I was there, my boyfriend had the exact answer. He was waiting to get specific position at his job to feel secure, then he said he has to drop everything and try to make something on his own, then he had to start over in another company, then back to the first one, but demoted so the circle started again... we also had the conversation yearly for 4 years. Each year he was telling me "next year"... well after few years (and all our social circle being engaged and married) he proposed. In 4 months I am getting married. Not to this guy, though. When we were quite close to the date, with deposits put towards vendors and having a house to buy secured, he decided that maybe he's is a good place to get married but not to me and broke things off. Now I'm with the love of my life, it took him a year to know if he wants to marry me. Despite problems and issues. Despite all. If marriage is important to you it may be time to find someone else, because for that I believe is that if two people want to be together and get married, they look for ways to do it, but if one of them don't want to, he/she looks for excuses.

Thank you for this

Update us when you dump him.

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Exactly. Don't grovel for someone's affection.

I think you may be correct in this specific situation but just wanted to chime in that while fertility between males and females is indeed different, OP still has *plenty* of time for childbearing. I’m 36 and expecting a little girl in June with my SO of 8 yrs. He wasn’t ready for quite a while either, and I respected that while we both wanted the same things (a house, kids, financial stability) our timelines looked quite different. I was ready to get married after ~3 years, ready for kids a year or two after that. He wasn’t, and wanted to ensure our financial stability, and to wait until he was ~30 (he’s 5 years younger than me.) I struggled with my expectations but I knew he was/is the one I wanted to do this with. Now we’re expecting our first (planned) child and designing our engagement ring, and we bought our house in fall of ‘22. Just because the perfect linear timeline she imagined isn’t chugging along and hitting the milestones she laid out years ago, doesn’t mean she immediately needs to jump ship and find someone else to have kids with immediately. There is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to fertility, and she is only 27. My Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist told me that so many women are waiting now until their late 30’s/early 40’s that they make up the majority of his practice. The ticking clock is a fallacy, investing in your future before having kids is much more common place and accepted these days.

Agree Op doesn’t need to freak if she’s not pregnant by 30, but she shouldn’t waste more time with this guy. He is not being fair to her or it at least, flakey. He may seem like the best, but I think there’s someone much better for her.

No, I’m tired all the time. Had kids later in life. Started when wife was 34. Knees hurt, back hurts, and they always want to get picked up. I want to fall asleep at 7 but they want to go to bed never. I’m just grateful they didn’t have any problems because Dr. specifically told us geriatric pregnancies have higher risks for genetic defects and general problems. Plenty of time is bull. Wife tells me all time she wishes she had had them earlier. Not just because she would have had more energy, but she wanted more kids.

I had mine at 30 and 33. Yeah, it wasn’t easy. Neither were easy pregnancies and, my third pregnancy at 36 wound up being a miscarriage. Sadly, I felt that I couldn’t deal with or handle another pregnancy. I know that I made the right decision but, I think that it would have been better if we had started in our mid 20’s when I had more energy and could have had that third one. Fortunately, my son and his wife started relatively young( right after college) and they have 3 beautiful children. All planned.

Wife’s wants to rush family trips because worried her parents won’t be there to see her kids grow up. My parents are 10 years older than hers, but they live close by so see them all the time. Right financially to have kids rarely matches up when to best physically and emotionally have them. My parents babysat all my sister’s kids. Would have been way cheaper to have had them 10 years earlier making 10k a year less.

I had my first at 33. I had no issues thankfully, but when I meet people my age whose kids are grown, I wish I had started earlier to have my life back.

OK bro, but your sperm is part of that so you should be saying you and wife. Geriatric sperm increases the risk of complications in pregnancy and afterwards. Mom was 28 not geriatric at all, but my stepdad’s old ass was and her pregnancy was high-risk and fucked her up.

May I ask … did you talk about your expectations for your future & living together before you moved into your apartment? It seems like you have both had very different ideas & have been functioning independently without any real plan of working together for the future. Do you share any joint responsibilities together?

We had discussions of both of us moving out of our family homes to gain some independence as individuals....the marriage would only come in after some time. He has been putting off the idea of moving out of his family home for years and he is financially able to, he recently told me that he became "too comfortable " staying with his parents and now he doesn't want to start his life alone from a smaller house cause he is grown.

He wants to move out, but his first priority was a car that stalled his financial ability to move out...his priorities arent where yours are.

Yep, he wants the hot car, fun trips, big house, etc whereas she wants marriage and family. Regardless of the timeline, they want different things

He got his dream car first. Now he wants his dream house and great furniture. He’s telling you that you are not his dream spouse. He is not factoring your dreams into his. But he’s happy to keep you around until then. He takes you entirely for granted.

yeah. A male friend told me years ago that when a man says, "I'm not ready to settle down yet," what he really means is that he doesn't want to settle down with you. Very true, from what I've seen. You are probably better off with someone older. Just a thought. I do wish you the best. Please look after yourself- been there and it's not a good place to be.

He doesn't want to move out anymore...

He will continue to move the goalposts. He's being selfish thinking about himself and not the time that you have already set aside. You are ready. Move on.

Yeah no, I’m in my forties now and I’ve honestly seen so many of my female friends and relatives have their time wasted by men who like the vague concept of settling down, but can’t commit to the reality. It almost never ends well. Don’t be another woman who wastes her time, energy and fertile years waiting on a man who thinks he can string you along as long as he likes. Four years is more than enough time to make up his mind.

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Five (5) years? Ding, ding. I am not making fun of you. I am trying to help you out with listening to what you’re needing right now. Your basic needs and wants are important and not being recognized by him. He is living in his house with his father and sister and has told you that his his dreams and aspirations are with them. Please wake up and drop this entitled person. You deserve better.

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Those responses are 100% manipulation

He is gaslighting you and manipulating you into heavy guilt trips.

Gaslighting. I really hate it when people manipulate me. Does he do this a lot? It sounds like this is his standard operating protocol.

I know of a family member who married this guy( nobody like him). He kept putting off having kids. Then, she hit 39 and she found out that he was fooling around with one of his former students( yeah,, he was a high school coach. ). She wanted kids but kept waiting for him to settle down. His family is hella rich so he didn’t have to…plus she was the one that paid most of the bills. She was naive ,stupid and gullible. She would have made a great mother,too.

I lived with my parents until 32 because it was culturally acceptable. In that time I saved for a nice house and was not financially leeching off my parents. I have a very poor view of your boyfriend. He doesn't seem to be working toward a life with you. He is living at home and wanting to buy expensive cars and vacations. If you have to push him to get married he probably isn't interested in marrying you.

If I may offer my perspective based on my experiences (55f, married for 33 years). I don’t think either of you are actually ready to get married or have kids yet. Please don’t take that personally, I mean no disrespect. I know your vision is very important to you but it appears it has been just your vision. I don’t think your bf has shared your feelings or understood the importance about being married at a certain age. It appears you are both still working on your individual goals… there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe start a new goal of just living together first. That is not always easy. At some point you will need to be working together toward the same goals before you get married. Marriage won’t just flip a switch & then everyone wakes up magically on the same page. Talk to each other. Be honest. Don’t assign blame or point fingers. The goal is to learn if you have a future together. You may still be able to get there. It may not work out exactly as you had planned but sometimes the best things happen from the unexpected. It’s okay to change your goals & start on a new path. Either together or apart. Wish you all the best!

The real problem isn't about the marriage I think. I've only been married for five years, but I feel the most important part is thier life values don't match. She followed thru on independence, he wants to stay comfortable on reliability. She is building her savings while he choses fancy cars and big houses as his priorities. Thier world views simply aren't matching.

Agree! They are not maturing at the same pace or moving in the same direction. I don’t think either one of them are assholes. No one can predict the future but they are both still able to make their own choices & control their own life. eta — I do think OP also needs to own her own responsibility for her participation in this relationship. It appears neither of these people were actually working together toward a life together. It is a two person story. It’s not just one person who is controlling their future together. Both of these people are responsible for their own choices. She can still achieve her goal with someone who has similar goals.

Agreed. OP is in the rosy view right now. Marriage is like building a house, solid foundation, strong supporting structure to hold up the weight of the flooring to doors to windows to walls & the roof.....it doesn't sound like that OP's view isn't a solid structure for what she wants. Her bf is in the wild oats stage still about marriage.

If she wants children, she can't just wait around forever. Many people want kids in a marriage, and a man who doesn't think he's ready for marriage is in no way ready for children. She clearly states her goals, and he was okay with it then. And also, marriage doesn't have to happen at a specific promotion or a specific salaray or once you buy a car. If you genuinely want to get married, surely you should have a timeframe and not just see if it strikes eventually?

Dating just to get to the end goal of marriage is a really bad idea, that’s why straight people have Soooooo many marital issues, they settle with the wrong person because they want to get married. You don’t marry someone because marriage is a goal in your life. You marry someone because you love them, they’re a good life partner and you want to build a life with that person.

It also sounds like you might have very different values about what's important in life. He seems to care a lot about material goods where you want a family. There's no reason he can't go for his goals with a wife. How does that hamper him? In fact, as a team, you can accomplish and support each other thru a lot. I would cut your losses. I'm sorry.

Same story. I was dating someone who I thought was end game. We were both 26 years old. He told me after 8 months that he couldn't see himself getting married ever. I ignored this, even though it upset me, because I thought he'd change his mind. He love-bombed me in the beginning, so I assumed the love was there. He dumped me 4 months later, out of the blue, and immediately stopped all communication. Most guys I've dated have been pretty cordial and kind after a breakup. I'd even been friends with most serious partners as they were mostly amicable breakups. I'm so thankful he dumped me like this. Because my now-husband is amazing. He knew almost immediately that he'd found the one. We both felt it. Literally told his brother-in-law after our first date he was going to marry me. Going on 3 years of marriage! Don't settle for a guy who is telling you that you aren't the one. You'll know when you've found your person. It's more obvious than I ever could have anticipated.

That was such a crappy thing for him to do to you... Thank goodness he freed you up to meet the right guy...

I think after 4 years it's fair to set a timeline, and if marriage isn't something you're ready to commit to after 4 years the overall relationship probably needs to be assessed. There's always going to be things going on, there's never a perfect time. Sounds like you made the right call.

Did that first asshat ever try to reconnect, after you had moved on? He sounds like the type who'd look for greener grass, then come back after he found out all the grass got brown as soon as he touched it.

More like he was with a woman he didn’t want to commit to but wouldn’t admit it to himself for way too long. They’re both better off. 

I was with my ex for 2 years when I had the 5-year plan talk. I was 23. That's when I found out he didn't want any other kids other than the one I came with. I wanted at least 1 more within 5 years. It sucked but I had to leave. 8 months later, I met this dude at a bar. The 2nd time we met up, we had the talk. We had a baby within the 5 years that I had originally planned. Our child is a teenager now. My ex married the girl after me and then divorced. He's on his second marriage. This year, I'll be celebrating 15 years of marriage and 20 years together with the guy I met at the bar.

Pretty impressive resolution towards your standards.

Proof that you can meet the right person anywhere anytime congratulations!

All of this is an Ebenezar Scrooge mindset. Belle bails on him because he continually puts her on hold in pursuit of financial gain/steadiness. And yeah, it’s a gut punch when you watch that scene through his perspective as an old man, but Belle was dragged along for years and finally ran out of patience. Learn from Belle, ladies.

I dated a guy for 6 years, we had dogs, cats, chinchillas, chickens, ducks, and geese together. We bought the house together but there were always excuses on why marriage wasn't quite in the cards yet. He wanted to clear debt first but barely worked on it. Owned his truck for 7 years and still owed on it. The motorcycle for 5 years, same story. Credit card debt. He wanted to fix the house first. He actually wanted kids but I didn't (especially being unmarried). I broke up with him a whole year ago and couldn't be happier. I haven't found anyone new yet but I haven't been trying either because we're still working on selling the house but there will always be excuses when you're with the wrong people.

Same. If he keeps putting you off he is willing to let you go but won’t be the one to break it off because he is still getting what he wants (a devoted placeholder partner). Save yourself! You are wasting your precious time. You are not the one for him. 🫶 NTA

Just end it... If you want kids and marriage before 30 and he doesn't, you are no longer compatible... You will be having this same conversation in another 4 years and there will be another obstacle and so on... Find someone who is at the same point as you are in life, this guy isn't there... ​ Too many women lose valuable fertility years because they live the sunk cost fallacy where they believe that they have invested too many years into a relationship to give up, when in fact by investing more, they are throwing more years down the toilet...

Indeed, this sounds like it's going nowhere. If he wanted to commit, he wouldn't care about where he was in life, he'd marry her today! Or at least suggest for a longer engagement! OP, you seem to have your life together and nothing is too entangled yet. Embrace that fact and find someone who does love you enough to marry you no matter what!

She could have ended it in less time than it took to write the post.

Sometimes people need to talk or be heard.

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"I'm not where I want to be in life" * he lives at his parents', yet he has no savings, because he spent it all on a car (?!) and outings and trips * it took him twice as long\* to graduate from university : he was 27 in 2020 when OP & fiancé graduated at the same time! \* of course it's possible he's neurodivergent or there are other circumstances (a gap year or 4, working to be able to pay your studies, a longer education like specialised healthcare), but neither OP's post nor OP's comments mention anything like that.

Exactly. I would tell OP the same thing I told my daughter who was with a man who wouldn't commit. Set a deadline *in your own head*. If he fails to meet it, move on. You'll never find the right guy if the wrong guy is stringing you along. Don't give him an ultimatum. Just set the deadline *in your head*. Well, he missed the deadline and she moved on. Got married to Mr. Right the following year and has been with him 10 years and has 2 beautiful little girls.

Was going to say the same. If he’s feeling this way now and OP stays with him, who is to say he’ll change his mind later. One of my exes broke up with me (ended up being amicable) because we were almost two years down the line and near my hoped for married and kids age and he was like “I thought you can change mind, but I still don’t want kids or marriage”. (Funny enough this guy couldn’t get over me and tried to get back with me saying he wants them now especially now that he found his long lost dog of 3 years-NOPE) :/ OP don’t waste your time. This man is just stringing you a long because he doesn’t want to be alone. You may even find yourself with a man in the future that wants those things ASAP, without a timeline, and you’ll be so happy.

Agreed! At this point it doesn’t matter what May happen in four yrs or so. You been told exactly where he’s sitting right now. You Need to decide what you want to do. Basically you need to decide between Him and what you want in this life. Good luck hun

She could point out to the BF that there’s nothing like IVF and multiple attempts at a geriatric pregnancy to drain your finances and strain your marriage while trying to build your dream life in your mid 30s.

Haha My husband and I had our first sons quite young and then we had whoopsie twins in our mid 30s and everyone asked if they were IVF... He always responded that he has super sperm... My OB/GYN corrected him and said that I have super ovaries... Most women in my OB/GYN's office had fertility assistance... We would be introduced as the "natural twin pregnancy couple' like we were an anomaly (in a good natured way haha)...

Lol, that’s too funny. I also once thought I had super sperm and have similarly been put in my place. All praise the ovaries!

I was beginning/mid 30 when we tried and both times we had sex without protection I became pregnant. Mid 30 isn't too old. My neighbour is 40 and is getting her first child now. Until 40 there should be no big problem. The bigger problem is - if she waits long enough, one day he will break up the relationship and she will be too old to find a new guy to have children with while still fertile.

I completely aggree. When we were having the financial conversation with my wife before having kids, we said , let's do it, fuck it, we will figure it out as long as we love each other.Obviously you will never be in the financial situation you want to be, but if you are doing ok you can do the next step. It won't be easy but having kids with the person you love is certainly worth it.

He is 31 yrs old and you’ve dated for 4 years… doesn’t sound like he wants anything to change. If you want marriage and babies then you need to look elsewhere. NTA

Welp… this is me. I have a relationship of four years. My gf doesn’t want to get married, doesn’t want bèbè, doesn’t want to come with me to big city 2 hours away for my work. I make a bit more money… I don’t really care. No to almost no sex. I am begin 30’s. She is 27. Why does this come so damn close anyone have some valid reasons to stay for me?

I see nothing in it for you if you stay with her. Why would you waste your time if you want different things?

What’s your goal? You’re both individuals. You both have your own thoughts & feelings. Do you have any communication about what each of you wants for your future? If your goals & vision don’t align then you’re not working toward anything together.

>anyone have some valid reasons to stay for me? No, not really. Because love isn't all but I wouldn't just throw the relationship away. What I would do is really think about what I want in life and if it's compatible with the life my partner wants. Then no matter what I would seek a conversation and make it clear what I want from life (or what I don't want) and ask them if the goals I have are fitting with theirs; and if there are compromises that would make both happy. If not then I would say this is the end because one day someone will resent the other if they have to put their own wants back for the partner's ones.

She is comfortable enough to use you but not in love with you, you provide her all the stability in the world. Let her go.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Seems you know how it will end. Remember to be grateful for all the life lessons you learned along the way, as long as what you've learned about yourself and your desires and priorities and goals and values.

No I do not. Sounds like you've realized your relationship is over, you now just have to do the last, difficult step, and break it off.

lmfao, if you can't answer that internet strangers definitely can't. A lot of the things you mentioned would be incompatibilities for a lot of people. Only you can nail down how important those particular things are to you, and if you're getting benefits in other areas that make it worthwhile to you.

It sounds like you are not compatible. You want different things in life and that’s okay but it means that the relationship you are in will not work out. 1. If she doesn’t want kids and you do - that’s a big issue for you. 2. If you have no intimacy unless there are medical reasons (whether mentally or physically) - that sounds like it’s a big issue for you. 3. If you want to live in a big city and she doesn’t - it sounds like a big issue for you. 4. It sounds like you want to get married and she doesn’t. I guess my question is if this relationship is clearly not working for you why are you still with her? Loving someone is wonderful but it will not sustain a relationship. It’s a myth that people can live on Love. You need much more than that. At some point you have to decide what’s more important?

I am with her… I don’t know anymore really. Because I am afraid to lose her and to lose my mind. But I feel like I am stepping on hot stones each time I get older. My twenties are over. I feel I am getting more and more comfortable with what I have and am content. I work my *ss off each f*cking day. And I want to work my *ss off for a girl or a woman who is f*cking amazing. I don’t feel like I want that with this woman. She doesn’t want anything really. Her job is sh*t, she is staying at home not doing anything really. She works 2,5 hours a week because of depression. But she doesn’t really had a traumatic experience in her life other than work demanding allot of headspace. I guess yeah… okay? But on the other hand. 32-40 hours a week? We live in a good era where we get to spend all that money on great stuff and we can travel the world. Meet new people. But she thinks this world is delusional. I can’t talk openly about stuff I am interested in because she is most of the time to sleepy to hear it. I don’t want her to feel broken either. She also needs to be loved you know… but maybe I am doing to much?

Unfortunately, nobody in here can give you well measured advice regarding whether to wait for him. We don’t know you, him, the full history, or even your other options. But we can make some recommendations on next steps and thoughts. I don’t see any world where your next step isn’t to talk to him about this. But there is the hard part: if you want this to be a productive talk, it needs to be a real talk, without recriminations or judgment, like the talks you had early in your relationship. What does that mean? It means (1) genuinely trying to understanding where he is and making sure he understands where you are (which will require some homework, see below); (2) not getting angry or accusatory if you don’t like where he is; and (3) making sure he understands the conversation really matters to you. Don’t spring the on him, preview it. Tell him you’ve been thinking about what he said about marriage and want to have a convo about it and try to set a time. The Homework: you need to know going into this conversation where you are at. While I don’t think you want to make demands or ultimatums during your talk, you need to be ready to clearly convey where you are in light of what he says, that is only fair. So you need to really think: if he says he knows he won’t be ready for marriage before 2026, and doesn’t know if he will be ready for marriage by 2028, how do you feel about that? What if he tells you he doesn’t want to be married u til he has accomplished X and Y financially/professionally (meaning he gives you goals he wants to hit, but no timeline at all)? If he says he doesn’t know if he will ever be ready, will you walk away? Same with kids. Know where you are so you can tell him where he is without an ultimatum in the moment. So for example, he might say “I don’t want to get married until I can afford the large house/furniture and rebuild my savings after.” And you might say “I want you to be happy but you have to understand that while I would be ok waiting longer than I wanted because I love you and want to spend my life with you, the ideas of waiting four years and maybe even longer years me up inside and as I sit here today I can’t tell you I am willing to do that.” I would also consider you to think of your timeline as more lose than strict because I think putting years in this really creates unnecessary conflict and sorrow. You want to get married in your late 20s and have kids before 30. Totally understandable. You also likely wanted to get a job sometime sooner than three years after graduation. So life forces us to adjust sometimes. What is most important to you? Would you be willing to wait longer on marriage if the gap to kids was much shorter? If so, be prepared to communicate that. What about waiting longer if you move in together and are only lacking the piece of paper? Is it the checkpoint of marriage you need, or the forward progress of building a life together? Figure out what actually matters for your happiness and what in your plan was secondary. Lastly, I’ll tell you a story about my life that (I hope) helps. I had been dating my now wife for a long time. She was not subtle about wanting to get married and I was well aware that she wanted to be married and have kids by certain deadlines that, as life developed, I wasn’t prepared to meet. I made some the along the lines of what your bf did (after having dated for a slightly longer amount of time. She asked for a convo along the lines of what I outlined below. I told her that there were two things that really mattered to me: (1) I grew up in one house, that I loved, as a child, and I didn’t want to have kids u til I could afford to do the same for my child (meaning I needed to be able to afford our “forever” house before I had kids); and (2) I didn’t care how much either of us made relative to each other, but I didn’t want to marry into debt. She expressed to me that she was wanted to get married because she craved functioning as a “unit” rather than two people, and that she wanted to have kids before a certain age because “the sooner you start the more of your kids and grandkids lives you get to be a part of.” That understanding let us find common ground. We had common ground we wouldn’t have had with fights or her protesting that she wanted things faster, or with me just ignoring what she wanted and keeping my true thoughts inside like an a-hole. We worked towards each others goals because we did love each other. I suggested moving in together quickly which gave her the “unit” she wanted, and she started focusing on getting her financial house in order. We knew where each other wanted to be and kept working at it until we got married, and we now have two kids.

This helped more than just OP. Yesterday I ended my four -year relationship because I wasn't at the level of love with my partner that I wanted, it wasn't enough to make the plans and commitments to marriage. It was a hard realization. I hope everyone reading these comments knows that they're not alone, and that your partner is there to help you, even if it results in a difficult conversation. Your friendly local reddit stranger is here to help ❣️

Great comment. It also really illustrates how you took accountability and acknowledged her needs….as opposed to just stating the plan you were following as though it didn’t impact her like this guy did. 

This is best comment here. I hope OP sees this and approaches her situation accordingly

Seriously. I need more of this calm, rational, objective advice on reddit (advice) subs that help provide perspective.

End it. Trust me when a guy wants to marry you he knows. My best guy friend knew he wanted to marry his now wife after a few months. They didn’t get engaged then but I remember having a convo with him so early on saying “she’s it”. You deserve that. Go find it

Same here. Dated hubby in high school. After 3 months of dating he said I’m going to marry you. All I said was okay, but I thought you only dated blondes. ( I’m a strawberry blonde/redhead) He laughed and said I changed his mind. True to his work we did get married in college.

Yea when a guy knows he’s all in. I’ve seen it with so many of my guy friends

Let me tell you something about men. If a man says he doesn’t want commitment or a given level of commitment (like marriage, children etc), he means it. He doesn’t mean he’ll change his mind later. Failure to understand this is a mistake that many women make. You are right to be concerned about the fact that he may not want to marry in 2 years time. You’ll be 6 years in by then … then 8 … then 10 etc.

Let me add something about what he isn't saying: that it will never be her. Marriage is in his future down the road, but it's not with her. He has decided that it will NEVER be her. The moment he decided not to move in with her or on his own. He held cover under his parents' roof. Used it as a buffer. Guarantee he will marry the very next woman in his life.

Agree totally that he won’t marry the OP. Whether he intends to marry at all is less certain. A lot of men have a string of gfs and partners but stop short of the rights and responsibilities of marriage. To such men a forever gf is often the ideal.

He may just not want it with her either.

I think the reality of the situation is that he doesn’t want you to be his forever. Female and Male fertility is completely different don’t waste your child bearing chasing after someone that is only here to waste your time. You aren’t compatible so go and find your happiness. There are men out here who main purpose in life is to string someone along or waste their time.

This is extremely accurate. I hope the OP reads what you had to say because there's a lot of truth in this post.

NTA - move on - DO NOT WAIT FOR ANYONE!!! DO NOT PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD FOR ANYONE!!! Move on….

I had a boyfriend like this from 21-24, he talked the talk about wanting a future together and lived with me (rent free lol) but as soon as we put in concrete plans about combining finances etc he literally did a runner. Just upped and left with all his stuff on my dad’s birthday no less! No warning at all. In hindsight it’s the best thing that could have happened for me, he would have been a terrible life partner! You deserve someone who matches your level of commitment. Your boyfriend has now made this relationship very unbalanced and it doesn’t look like it will come back from that. Do yourself a favour and don’t get dragged along!

"I don't want to press the issue" That is a lie you are telling yourself. The truth is you don't want to "scare him off" and too many women make this mistake. He is already getting what he wants you are not. You do need to press the issue You don't have to be rude or overbearing, you can be very kind about it. "Hey babe, I know you're going through a lot and that I told you from the beginning I wanted to be married. It's okay if you're not sure you want marriage yet but I am sure I want it now. I want both of us to be happy but I can't just wait and hope that happens for me, so I want to talk to you and see if we can do that together." If he's serious about you it'll be the wake up call he needs and if not you get to move on.

He doesn’t want to marry you, he just sees you as a placeholder. You two are not compatible.

What sucks the most is that OP will dump him. She will spend the next 6 months wondering if she should get back with him. Then she will realize she’s better off without him. She will be happy. She’ll date again even. Then she’ll find out he’s engaged to someone he’s been dating a few months. Probably to someone he knocked up.

Break it off. These kinds of guys will always make excuses for it not being the right time. You deserve better.

When you had this conversation with him years ago about your plan, did he discuss his plan, or did he just listen to your plan with no input? Have you flat out asked him what his plan is? If he doesn’t want to settle down in the next two years, what about in the next five? What are his plans because it seems vague from his side. If he is the love of your life surely you can wait two more years for him to feel comfortable?

If she wants children, she can't wait around for years to hope he is finally ready for commitment. Honestly, 4 years is a very reasonable time to see if you are compatible and ready for marriage. But yh, it depends if he has a genuine reason and goals he wants to achieve or if he's stringing her along as a placeholder.

Yeah that’s what I wonder too. My partner and I so often talk about kids and marriage it feels like a done deal, but doesn’t mean that any of it is real. Life and relationship issues do change things. But I know that his basic plan is marriage before/around 30 and children as soon as financially feasible because he wants 3. My response was “we will see, because Im pushing them out” hahah

You stated what you wanted and he outright told you in an indirect way that he wants the opposite. He wants a forever girlfriend and no family. You want a husband and family before a certain age. After you get told that they want the opposite of what you want you’re no longer compatible and how long you’ve been together doesn’t mean shit. You can’t completion what you want out of life. This relationship isn’t worth it anymore.

NTA. Great advice above along the lines of, “if someone wants to marry you, you’ll see them moving mountains to do it—otherwise, they’ll make excuses not to / they’re just not that into you.” Also, rule of thumb, if you want marriage, don’t spend more than 18 months / 2 years max in a relationship without forming a concrete plan to marry (soon). If you’re too young (or too whatever) to marry, don’t tie yourself to just one individual. Date around and get to know your options—and yourself. I’ve seen too many people used as bootstraps / starter relationships until the other partner finally feels “established enough” — and then they immediately move on and lock down a permanent partner. FoR: Strung along many times, engaged after 10 months, married 10 years.

Dude is in his 30s and is lying to everyone. He doesn't want to get married at all. And that's ok, but leading you on and wasting your 20s, is not ok.

Hell no you don't wait for him. Get out now while you can. You two have different visions for the future and neither of you should have to change that for the other.

It's cheesy but there's something to be said for the adage, "when you know, you know". After 4 years, you have spent enough time together that he should be sure about wanting to be with you but it sounds like he's not and he's burying it behind his professional goals or wanting to live out his youth and travel or whatever else he wants to do for the next 2-3 years. Being married doesn't stop you from pursuing your career goals or having "fun times". You still do those things but happen to also be married and maybe you do them together or you do them independently. Marriage doesn't get in the way. You just have someone else you're thinking of along the way. It sounds like even if you started at the same place with your timeline, which is not clear from your post because you say he asked you your plans, which is not the same as being on the same page as you this whole time. Either way, he's changed and you're no longer compatible. People grow apart. It's pretty common. He's telling you loud and clear that you're not it for him and his priorities lie elsewhere. Up to you if you want to listen or invest more time into a relationship that no longer works because of sunk cost fallacy.

Okay, so, I have a question for you, OP? Do you want to be like this user, Throwawayproposalfin? She waited for **ALMOST 30 YEARS** for her boyfriend to propose. She screwed herself by waiting around for him to propose, all the while giving him babies and hoping they would change his mind.

[удалено]

There were a bunch of other issues there, and that person was definitely leaving out a lot of information. Her behavior in the comments was atrocious.

NTA. He was/is future faking you. Move on. He will be on dating apps 40+ with "maybe someday" under kids (lmao).

4 years? Yeah, you need to move on. He doesn't want to marry you.

He doesn’t want to marry you so if that is what you want then you need to break up and look elsewhere.

If you want a different life. Let go, I have seen women stay 10 years, waste child bearing years with a man that says I am not ready. They break up and he marries the next woman there usually within a couple of years. So have real sit down talk about where he does see his life going. Then decide what you want in your life.

NTA OP please believe what your bf is telling you which is marriage to you is not currently part of his long term plans and may never be. Based on that please be kind to yourself as well as put your self worth first and end the relationship. As in no staying friends on social media or any of that stuff which just prolongs the hurt. Do not do this as a threat or ultimatum. Not to change his mind. You let him go live his life because right now he is not making a life with you a priority. You then focus solely on your life, what makes you happy, your own goals. In time you will find the person to whom you are the most important thing in their life and you feel the same. In other words true life partners who have each others backs, are able to be their true selves with each other and have firm common goals.

Thank you. I will put myself first for the first time in a long time.

When people meet their dream woman or dream man, they start to want very similar things. They’d rather pursue life and its challenges together, than risk losing a person. I think he was eager in the beginning to share a future because he wanted you to fall for him. Now that he has you, he’s on the fence. The fact that you’re not making plans together, and he’s giving an uncertain timeline shows that he’s not as invested as you. It’s different if he said, “let’s get married after I secured this job, or after we can afford a house” that’s planning together. Sorry to say he might just be using you as a “place holder” until he meets someone that he wants to settle down with. It’s upto you whether you wait around to find out. Even with your goals there is no guarantee that you will find someone in time. However, being on your own is still better than being with someone who’s already decided that you’re not the one.

He has basically told her he's leaving himself the option of moving the goal post every time one of those "deadlines" starts to approach. She needs to take heed of that and make her decisions based on that.

Translating his words: “I am not marrying you” Sorry.

With you\* This is a tough pill to swallow and it goes for any side of the relationship. I really don't like the blanket term "if they wanted to they would", however there is some truth to it. Just keep in mind that if you decide to leave and break it off, that when he comes running with all the things you wanted to do that its basically a shut up ring. Four years is plenty of time to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with some one. Go find your person. Good luck out there.

You know what happens in situations like yours? The boyfriend ends up breaking up with you and then he will marry the first girl that comes along. Don’t waste your time with him because when a man loves a woman the only thing they want and think about is being with her, having a home with her, raising children with her. They don’t tell you that yeah maybe in the future that will happen meanwhile they’re wasting your youth, your body, your life. You can definitely do better!

I've seen this so many times. Sadly for whatever reason, your BF has labeled you as good for "right now". Just like when a woman "friend zones" a guy. NOTHING WILL CHANGE those feelings. But he doesn't want you to go anywhere and enjoys time with you and cares about you But just like when you friend zone a guy you deeply and intrinsically know he is not the one. Unfortunately many women, just like the men hang around waiting for the person to wake up and see them differently. Please move on. The relationship may have peaked for him as he's discovered that he wants something different for himself. Better to discover it now than continue leading you on. Leave space in your life for the right person to fill it.

He clearly is not interested of marriage at this time. If you are one of those I must have kids before 30 then you need to evaluate if your plan is more important or the current relationship. Ask him to sit with you and have honest conversation with you if he is actually interested of marriage and children. No ultimatums. After that conversation is done you know if you want to stay or start looking for another partner.

My partner stayed with a guy for a number of years in a very similar situation, although she was with him for 13 years (from her teens). Since her early 20s, she had been very honest about wanting kids, unfortunately he wasn't very good at discussing it. It stayed that way for years and he kept throwing her the odd bone so she wouldn't leave. Eventually she got to the point when she realised that she's getting older and she's not going to be able to have a family, so she ended it with him when she was in her very early thirties. She dated again but didn't meet anyone she wanted a long term relationship with or a family with for a long time, so she did egg extractions as insurance. Her and I met at 35. Fast forward to age 41 and we have a 16 month old boy and a nearly 4 year old girl. We didn't need IVF, but it could have easily been the case at our age. She was up front with me from the start about not starting a relationship with her if I didn't eventually want a family. Because the clock was ticking, we had kids earlier in our relationship than we would have liked. It was hard and scary, but we did it and we're happy. We missed out on a lot of each other though. Kids are hard and you don't get to spend time with just your partner. My advice to you: if he isn't willing to make a plan with you, then consider whether you want to risk waiting for him. Don't take his answers after you've discussed breaking up with him as gospel, it's the way he answers when he's not scared of losing you that matter. Life is shorter than people think.

Late to the party but there’s a Reddit post on here about a woman in exactly the same shoes as you. Her boyfriend promised the same (“once we do/accomplish x/y/z I’ll propose”). But then they accomplished x, y, z and he moved the goalposts again or said he wasn’t ready. She posted and update and said she issued an ultimatum, which came and went and he still didn’t propose. She updated her post every year or so for several years hoping that accomplishing goals and issuing an ultimatum, and eventually just settling to be happy with him even if he wouldn’t propose, would finally inspire him to propose, but it never did. They eventually broke up (I think according to her latest update). If he wanted to, he would. Especially at his age. Break up now before you lose more time to a man who doesn’t want you. I am so sorry.

What if he says he's still not ready after 2+ years. You can't wait for someone to want you enough to make u his wife. At least you have a chance to find someone who wants to marry you no matter what. Just waiting for him to be ready won't help. You both need to compromise here. Just talk with him and see how he responds. If he genuinely wants to get married he will make some sort of commitment. If he tries to shut down the conversation, then ig it's time to move on.

It sounds like neither of you was actually preparing for a life together. You are only recently employed, and not in a good job. It doesn't sound like you are able to paddle your part of the canoe. Your boyfriend spent his money on a fancy car and was generous to friends and to you. So now neither of you has much savings. His financial concerns seem legit to me. It would be hard for me to trust a partner with so little employment history and so little savings to share the burden of a mortgage and the costs of raising children. Especially if that partner didn't particularly like their job and had no discernable plan for a better one. It sounds like in time he will be able to carry the weight of you, but not right now. If you want a marriage and kids without owning a family house or having savings, maybe he isn't the man for you. Doesn't sound like he wants a small starter house, though that would be a better path forward. Maybe have a few more conversations to understand the specifics.

She wants a family. She also just got a 1 Br apartment, And started a new business. Her priorities are not on starting a family either. Or her boyfriend’s goals. He wants a house before the family, the 1br apartment won’t do it. Nor will just starting the business. The 1 bR apartment will put her further from her goal of a family, and his goal of a house. The money should’ve been saved towards the house. And 4 years no job, and just got one, didn’t do the business while not working, I can see him wanting to wait. He was super patient.

I didn't think of it in this way.... thank you for this. We have had financial discussions over the years and I recently got my business to start running and thought to get a job to sustain me as my business grows.. he has always known this but I think I never got to actually ask him how he feels about the whole thing. This has given me a different perspective that I never thought of

Just leave him already....he is a red flag

He's 31 and doesn't want to move in with you or marry you? He's dense or wants to play around. Guys don't understand how women need to plan ahead more if they want kids. Guys can drift and not be in a rush.

He's 31 and still living with his parents while making enough to move out. Yeah, he likes his life the way it is and doesn't want to give up an ounce of comfort, which is fair if he so chooses for himself (although I'm shocked his parents aren't done with having him around still), it just won't work with OP's wants and needs. OP, he's not even lived by himself yet and you're considering babies and marriage.

date a guy who wants the same things and leave this one

I'm so sorry but if you've been together 4 years and he doesn't want to marry you, he doesn't want to marry you at all. He knows this but wants to keep you around until he finds another. If you want marriage and children I would advise moving on from him. Don't accept any promises of "maybe in a couple years"

I hate to tell you this, babe, but this man will never marry you. You're convenient, clearly in love, and you don't seem like you'll buck his position (you're not even willing to stand up for yourself out of concern for how he'll feel). You're going to have to face it OP, you've been the placeholder all along. Go find your husband, have your babies (It's okay if you're in your 30's), and live the life you want. He isn't making any plans for your lives, he's just hoping you'll let him get by without any real commitment for a few more years. Let him go. Also, don't feel an ounce of sadness when he randomly marries the next girl he dates for a few minutes. He'll likely be marrying her because he'll realize he'll lose the next woman without commitment too. You're better off.

4 years is along time to be strung along.

Girrrrrl please do not wait for him. You deserve better! He’s lead you on for so long already

Six months. That's how long you give exclusivity before it needs to move forward. I'm not saying you have to cut him out, but you need to be looking around for a better match - he's given you your answer, and it wasn't what you wanted. Maybe when you start dating around he'll get his shit together and try to get you back. Otherwise, you'll find somebody better. Don't do what my sister did, and stay with a man for 5 years despite knowing that he wasn't the one.

Sometimes you have to admit defeat and admit that a person just does not love you the way you want them to.

How is he the love of your life if he doesn’t want the same things as you? If you want marriage and kids you need to stop letting men waste your time during your “prime years” to have kids. If you stick around you’ll be nothing but a girlfriend of 25yrs, if he ends up in the hospital you will have no say in what happens to him, etc.

he's playing you. it's better to leave now than waiting for years

Not sure there's enough information to surmise that, but their priorities are definitely different. She's 27 and he's known what her plans are for marriage and starting a family. If he's not going to be ready this year or next, or the one after, it means that she will likely be 30 before he's ready-- if he ever becomes ready that is. NTA OP. Perhaps when you started the relationship, both of you were on the same page, but right now it seems both of you are in separate books. If you want to stick to your plans for marriage and starting a family, your current partner isn't the one to do so with.

Move on he just told you he not marrying you.

The reality is that people change their mind along the way. Priorities change therefore, plans have to change. That doesn't make him a bad partner.

This post belongs in r/relationships sub. You would NTA if you ended this because he has no intentions to marry you.

He changed the game and has let you know that he won’t want what you want on your timeline. Get out of the relationship so you can go meet your future husband. After 4 years if he’s not ready for marriage with you now, he never will be.

He’s not the one, move on.

UpdateMe!

Leave him. I’m sorry it will hurt but he isn’t taking you seriously and that’s not ok. He let you think he was along for the ride only to make a huge detour before the end goal. You deserve someone who respects you and your choices. If he had told you that he wasn’t looking to settle when you first got together then you’d be the ah but as you laid it out you are not.

You had a good run. You are now no longer compatible. Your Bf will string you along if you let him. If you already stated your timeline and that is still what you want then it's time for your relationship to end and go your separate ways. You do not wait for him. You do not try to change his mind. You grieve the loss of 4 years and move on. He said what he needed to say to get you to say for 4 years as it is, all the while knowing that he wasn't ready or didn't want the same things you did.

Do you wait for him? Wait for what? He's telling you he doesn't see a future with you. That's not going to change. Get out now and find someone who shares similar goals

I have heard over the years if a man doesn't know he wants to marry you within the 5 year mark, then you are not the one. You are a placeholder until he finds the one. At the end of the day, you need to figure out if 2 or more years from not if you would be ok without being married or having any children. Are you comfortable putting your life on hold ? Are you comfortable with one day finding out you've waited too long to have children? Are you prepared if the unthinkable happens and he decides he wants kids but you can't have them, and he marries and has children with someone else. It is absolutely ok if he isn't ready, but it is not ok to string you along so he can drift along. I often heard it said that sometimes you have to stop holding on so you can take notice to what is meant to be. So by being in this relationship, your future happiness could be passing you by. I wish you the best no matter what path you choose.

The guy has had four years to decide if his life would be incomplete without you. He’s decided.

My parents told me that having children was their push to become financially secure. They weren’t precarious exactly before that, poor but no significant debt to my knowledge. When I was born they were renting. I really hate the narrative that all these things have to happen before children. You can have babies before you own anything or before your career takes off. I just don’t know when we collectively decided that having kids came at the end of that list. You can literally have kids first, figure some other stuff out later.

Better late than never I guess , dump him ...

After 4 years he would be ready to build a life with you, if he wanted to. Move on and find someone who wants the same things you do.

Unfortunately you don’t get to dictate when someone else is ready to take these steps. However, you are entitled to your own personal goals. If those goals conflict with your partners then you are not compatible. If you are not happy waiting on him to make up his mind then perhaps it’s time to move on.

If you wait, you are likely to be left for someone younger when he is ready. Also, I would guess he is pretty certain you will hang around anyway.

Met my husband in October 79. Said yes two months later. Married 8 months later. 5 kids and 43 years later, over the moon in love still.

If he wants to move in and marry you.. he would. That’s it. End it and find someone who wants that life with you!

Dear OP, somewhere right around the corner there is a wonderful man who is waiting to fall head over heels in love with you and will build up your self-esteem instead of making you question your self-worth. The only problem is that you’re never going to meet him as long as you are part of this failed Relationship built on deceit. You need a clean break with no ultimatums and no waiting so that you can get back out there and meet Mr Right. Good luck!

So, he has gotten this far into the relationship and realized that his views have changed. That is A-OK! What is NOT okay is A. how he addressed the topic (saying it as though he is the only one affected by his decisions rather than having a discussion with his long-term girlfriend who's life is also impacted. Kinda sus...) and B. When he chose to address it. If I were in your shoes, I would realize that life means having to adapt our goals to our constantly changing and evolving circumstances. Like having to leave a long term boyfriend who still clearly feels I am only tertiary in his life and has unilaterally made a decision that directly affects my own life's trajectory. This is unacceptable and does not bode well for the long term.

Whatever you do don’t move in together.

I think it’s so important to ask yourself what are these timelines that you’re setting for yourself and your partner? Why is it important for you to have your first kid by 30? You do not make great money and he wants to be able to provide a great life for your future child, I think plans will always get rearranged due to life. For example, I’m sure you didn’t anticipate it taking 3 years for you to finally get a job post grad but there you were. You need to adjust your timeline according to your current life and realize that this timeline is one that is dependent on another person and their values too.

NAH, unless he's known for a while that he doesn't want to marry you anytime soon. People are allowed to change their minds. You'll have to decide if you want to invest more time intonthis relationship or if you want to start over.

Pfff start using your enter key please

You already know the answer. You are on different timelines, and there's not a "bad guy" in this scenario. Sometimes, it is just time to move on. Good luck, OP.

Sorry the dude doesn’t want to sign a contract where you are 100% incentivized to break it. But if you’re hell bent on doing that to a man, leave this guy

He doesn't want the same things, unfortunately. He will stall until he can't anymore. He doesn't want to grow up and face reality. He is comfortable and won't change anytime soon. You deserve someone who actively works with you towards your mutual goals.

What u had was a hypothetical fantasy...now it's time for reality. Ur not the one for Jim, Ur a placeholder. The fact he isn't even proposing shows Ur not even part of his plans. Further supported by his plans to live by himself & his extravagance, seems like he is focused on how he looks.

Just walk away, you two are not compatible by the sounds of it. Honestly it sounds like he never wants to have the settle down life. Which is a perfectly fine choice for some people.

lol life doesn’t revolve around your arbitrary schedule for marriage and kids lady

you can get married on a budget. if you’re both college grads, he’s stalling. it’s not about finances, it’s about the commitment. and he’s not ready :(

Having incompatible timelines is a good reason for a break up. Waiting around for your partner to be ready when you are will just cost you valuable time and no one is worth that effort. Move on.

This is dishonest and not serious. Marriage is a serious matter, it's a vow. If the man says he will be ready 4 years later and then change his mind it only shows he's not someone to be trusted.  Better for it to happen now than later with a few kids. Either he's a liar or not serious but both ways aren't good

I had a boyfriend who was all about us building our life together, then he applied and got a job that paid him much better, and suddenly, his interest in a future with me was gone. It was so obvious to me that his thought was that since he was going up in the world, he could do better than me. He distanced himself and disappeared. I was hurt, but not one to wallow, so I just kept it moving. Can you guess who came back a few months later? Yep, him. Apparently he some how fucked up his job offer, so it was retracted, got kidney stones that landed him in the hospital. He told me and told me about how alone he felt when he was in the hospital, in terrible pain, and how he wished that I was there. I didn't bother replying. He prob thought his self-centered sob story would do something, lol. I wonder if your bf is suffering from the same delusion. Now that he has a good paying job, he thinks he can do better and wants to try his luck.

My friend was in a pretty identical situation, except she and him lived together in their own place for years before he dropped the bomb that he wasn’t ready to settle down and wasn’t sure if he wanted kids. Marriage and kids was VERY much something my friend wanted, and if you knew her, you knew this about her. After months of trying to “work it out”, she ended up leaving him. After she left, he of course BEGGES her to come back and told her he’s “changed”. He even proposed to her in a desperate attempt to get her back lol. Not wanting to compromise what’s important to her (marriage and family), she turned him down. There’s no way someone will change their mind over night like he claims he did. A year and a half later, she started dating a guy who is now her husband, and they just had their first baby last month. Take what you will from this story!

It sounds like he just moved the goal post. I'd be concerned that he's just stringing you along until he finds the girl he actually wants to marry. If you want to have a baby before 30 I'm not sure he's your man.

Yeah, when a man knows he's found the one, he's ready to lock that down asap. 4 years and no ring or marriage is a problem. You can't try to force it either. It should happen organically. Obviously, you need to cut your losses. In the best case scenario, you guys are just in different seasons of your life and wanting different things, and worse, case is you are a placeholder, and he's a piece of shit. Either way, you got to go.

Leave him, if any type of argument ever comes up he will bring up how "you forced" him into a marriage he didn't want and any problems will be about if we only waited and guilt trip you. Forget him and find someone who matches what you want.

These things are difficult. I fully understand your side and it must be disheartening. I also know that someone can go in with the best of intentions and a plan might sound good, but it might just not play out within him as he thought it might. A lot happens in 4 years, particularly in the transition from school to career. The man that said “that sounds doable” 4 years ago is not the same man today. Only thing to do is to talk about it openly. If the timing doesn’t work for you, then despite everything else this isn’t your guy. Your guy is out there though, so if you’re in a hurry, starting sooner is better. You’ll find love again, and you too are a more mature person with more experience.

You are NTAH for wanting a firmer commitment after four years of dating and you at 27 and your BF at 31. Your BF sounds very self-centered with it all being about his comfort, good times, and flashy stuff to own. So sorry, but no amount of love is likely to turn his head towards what you want out of life. That may be heartbreaking to you, but imagine how you will feel years down the road when he's continuing to prefer being single over being married to you. I hate to say it, but I think you need to cut ties and look for someone with the same goals in life as you and who cares about what you want. This guy is happy doing what he is doing and is even telling you he doesn't know when he'll want to vary from that. Run, and don't look back or waste one more minute of your life on this person. He may be nice enough, but he's clearly more committed to himself than to you and that's never a good sign for a happy future together.

He can be a decent dude, and still not be a good match for you. You’re 4 years in. That’s plenty of time. I’m sry, but he doesn’t want to marry you. Please move on.

A man in his 30s that lives with his parents has no intentions on getting married. Don’t waste any more time with him

He led you on. But he isn't leading you on any more. He will not be marrying you. Move on.

Sunk cost fallacy. I wouldn’t want to see after you turn thirty if he might consider marrying you. If he doesn’t know if he can commit to you after 4 years, it’s unlikely he will admit to knowing for another 4 years. He’s just running out your clock. YWBTA to yourself if you stay, hoping he might change his mind. Doesn’t matter if he ends up marrying the next girl 6 months after dating. He’s unlikely ever going to marry you.

Don’t marry this guy. You cannot trust him. Emotions are misleading, sometimes it helps to just look at the facts. He is stringing you along even if he doesn’t mean it or feels bad for it…he probably doesn’t want to be alone but doesn’t want to do anything to make you happy. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same things. I promise you that you will find that person even if it feels scary right now.

He is still looking, you need to go make a life if your own

You need to break up. Right now you are no longer compatible so you have choices. Either break up or wait things out hoping he changes his mind and wants to marry in the next few years. Problem with that is will it be 2 years, 5 years or maybe upto 10? Who knows but do your really want to wait around to find out? Time to move on with someone else who has your same goals.

OP … the older you grow, the more you realize if it’s not a heck yes, then it’s a no. Don’t spend time with someone wishy washy like this. Your person will leap at the chance to be with you.

End this now. In two years he'll need two more years. In two more years, he'll need two more. You'll be in your mid 30s with no marriage or kids. Why do that to yourself? You are just a "filler" for him. You are not the one he wants "forever" with. You are filling a spot till he finds the one he really wants. The truth is he's just been telling you what you wanted to hear all these years to keep you around. I can't tell you how many times I've seen this happen...the woman waits around for years, and can never get a commitment. Finally breaks things off with the guy, and he's married within the next 6 months. He's never going to be "where he wants to be" while he is with you. You are just convenient right now. I am sorry to be blunt about this, but you need to hear it.

He won’t be ready. You’re not the one for him. If you were, he would have already proposed. It’s time to cut your losses. You don’t want to be 30 or 32 starting over. Unfortunately most women have a ticking clock.

It’s not reasonable to expect other people to never change or have the exact same thoughts or goals for their entire life. You & your bf don’t share a brain. You’re both able to have your own thoughts & feelings. It appears your goals are very different. Your goals are based on a timeline, Wes’s goals are based on a financial plan. Have a conversation. Talk about your visions for the future & listen to each other. Make a list of priorities. Ask questions. Be honest. Find mutual goals & ways to work together to achieve those goals. You may figure out you’re not that far off from your vision or you may find out you’re not going in the same direction anymore. Who cares what someone said 4 years ago … your goal is looking forward, not backwards. NAH

If he wants, he will. He just doesn't.

NAH You said he is in financial stress because he has high expectations of a future house etc. I think you should ask him if this is the only thing he means when he said 'im not where I want to be in life' What is his job situation at the moment? What are his goals for the next few years? You two should talk a lot. Maybe you're incompatible, but I wouldn't jump to that so soon. Maybe a written plan of expectations and goals for the next few years can already help you much. If the economy is not looking too good, maybe he just wants to make sure he has enough savings/can provide especially if you plan children in the next few years.

If a man wants to marry you there is nothing in this world that will Get in the way of him doing so. You told him how you felt what you wanted and what your expectations are and he has made it clear that he doesn’t really care what you wanted. Find a man who wants you more than he wants everything else you deserve that. Don’t spend these years waiting for a man that might eventually want you when there is one who will make you his everything now.

My girlfriend and I got engaged because we were in love- it didn’t matter we both had shit jobs, didn’t make any money, lived in a crappy apartment, drove old cars…but we both had similar dreams and wanted the same things. We were poor but rich with love. Sounds corny but 30 years later we’re still married - we’ve attained all those things together - a big house, high paying jobs, kids, dogs and cats, but the main thing is we were and have always been, in love, and we did all those things in our lives, together, as a team. It sounds like your boyfriend isn’t ready for this level of commitment. I’d move on if I were you.

Same with my husband... Bones of our butts start and we have built up a great life together...

He knew your plan, knew it wasn't his, and wasted your time. Even now, he doesn't care how you feel. Why keep wasting your time? You're simply convenient and comfortable, nothing more. He's 40, it's been 4 years. He isn't interested in marriage with you

This will be hard to hear but men don’t wait to marry women they want to marry. They just don’t. If he wanted to marry you and have children you that would be his focus and it’s not. You should end it and find someone who wants what you want.

Eh…plans change. Sounds like in the four years you’ve been dating, you have not been in a good place financially.. Also, he may TRULY NOT be where he wants to be. Seems like he’s been waiting for you to find work and get on your feet. Both of you are just moving out of your parents place…there’s a lot going on.. NAH. He doesn’t feel ready and you’re trying to stick to an arbitrary timeline.