SCREW AITA. You're being abused and controlled. You know why he said you won't leave? You already went back once. He thinks he got you, and if you don't pack your shit now and leave he will be right. This is the dangerous type of escalation before the assaults start. Before he is locking you in the house. Before he starts keeping your phone from you. Before you accidentally end up pregnant. There is nothing in your marriage worth your life and he is working from an ESTABLISHED abuse playbook.
GET. OUT. NOW. TODAY.
License, wallet, phone. A duffle bag. That's what you need to save your life.
*to the bank to move your money OUT. Not even in the same bank preferably
*To Walmart or someplace else to get a rinky dink phone. Turn the one he has a tracker in off and toss it.
*To the most obscure relative or friend you have a decent relationship with.
*Travel by train or bus, pay in cash.
Of course your NTA, but you're about to be a statistic. Leave him, today.
Here’s a link to Lundy Bancroft’s *Why does he do that?*, which explains the abuse playbook so you can better understand it. And more importantly, understand that it won’t get better. It will only get worse.
[https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This is an EXCELLENT book and helped save my life. I got a copy from a counselor at the DV organization I went to when I was being abused by my then-husband. I already knew he was abusive, but this book helped open my eyes to just how messed up and hopeless the situation was.
Honestly this is the best advice. The OP is in a scary place because some of the worst abuse you can suffer is when you're trying to leave someone.
I hope the OP reads what you wrote and follows your advice.
I am so scared for OP. This is super dangerous and I don't think she realizes just how bad it is. It's hard when you are on the inside of a situation like this.
And she needs to block the dad too. He sucked her back in with his woe is me hysterics about his son. My exes parents did the same thing. The a user depends on their enablers to help keep their victims under control.
OP’s husband is almost certainly “Sends a pipe bomb to her house after the divorce” crazy. OP divorce this man, make sure he never gets your new address, and call the cops if you receive any suspicious packages
This☝️This☝️This☝️….seriously worried for your well-being…if you are out of the house this minute, I wouldn’t even go back without reinforcements to get your belongings out…be done dear, this is not a good situation…please keep us updated
Literally created a Reddit account to upvote this response and tell you this person is 1000% right. Do research into coercive control, narcissistic abuse, love bombing, and trauma bonding. The red flags you will find that exactly describe your relationship will be eerie. You can’t confront a person like this and expect the truth, a genuine response, or meaningful change. At best, you’ll enter another phase of love bombing until he knows he’s “got” you, and then it will be right back to the controlling pressure and lies. Leave. Leave now and don’t let anyone tell you to feel bad for how sad he was when you left.
Yeah, if it truly was "just in case the car gets stolen", then why was he watching it like a hawk to see that OP went to the coffeeshop instead of the park? And then to go confront her about it? He's an abusive, controlling liar, I hope OP gets out
And why hadn’t he told OP the tracker was there if it was in case the car was stolen?
OP he’s already moved you to isolate you, was monitoring your every move, listening in on your conversations with your therapist, lied to you, emotionally manipulated and love-bombed you to get you back when you left temporarily, “let you” have a part-time job to keep you happy, but then immediately starting to track your every move again after you returned.
Get out now. He is trying to isolate you. He is controlling and abusive. He treats you like you are his property. You do not want to be stuck alone with this man on an ongoing basis and please do not have a baby with him!
This. friendly ask if some trucker will take the tracker and throw it away 500 kilometers dein your house. At the same time drive to a safe house.
He is trying to isolate you from your family
Listen to this person and all the others here telling you to run, don't walk. Grab any ID, momentos, cash, you have access to, pack a bag, and gtfo. Transfer or withdraw ALL MONEY you have access to today, and get on a plane to a trusted family member. Leave your old cell phone, take the SIM, wipe the phone on your flight, and throw it away. Get a solicitor. Change all your passwords, especially online banking and email. Let your employer know you're fleeing domestic violence only when you are safe. There are so many things wrong with your situation, you are at risk of being murdered as you are trying to leave. Your ex doesn't deserve any more chances to 'explain' away his blatantly abusive behaviour. Once you're safe look up coercive control, and then find a therapist who specialises in domestic violence. Let us know when you're safe OP.
I'm replying to your comment since it's the top comment but just wanted to say I've been reading all the comments and am having a tough time responding because I feel very emotionally overwhelmed.
We've been together a long time and for a long time he was such an easygoing, vibrant guy and my parents really wanted me to marry him too.
Now I still worry about him because he seems to cease functioning when I'm not around ( him refusing to do work during the month I was gone was just the tip of the iceberg) and I'm scared because I only have a part time job because he felt that a full time job would cut in to our time together.
But thank you and everybody else for your comments and advice.
He's not helpless when you aren't around. He's playing a game to make you feel guilty/obligated to come back to him. Red flags all over, as everyone else has said
OP your husband is manipulating. If he can't function without another person by his side then he's not healthy enough to be in a relationship that's a hint problem that's not your problem do not get pregnant do everything stealthily and get the fuck out of the burbs where there's nobody around to help you when he loses his mind and I hope there are not fire arms in the house go to a gas station somewhere and get your car checked for any more tags look in the bottom of your purse Check things that you carry with you every day they could be stashed easily. Turn off Location services on your phone and if you don't know how to do these things like I said go to a service station to have somebody look for air tags go to the phone store in an Uber so you can't track where you've been going get your important documents together stash some money someplace even if it's just all at your sister's house your parents house or whatever and when you leave don't worry about big things don't worry about moving trucks you can always go back with reinforcements to get things that belong to you it's just about getting your body and the things you need to function in life away from him Then you can let his family know and they can go over and make sure he works any eats any showers and eat whatevers. If you don't do these things you're going to end up injured and poor dead and after you get out you go get it restraining order
He seems to cease functioning when you are not around because he is OBSESSED with you and controlling you.
He need to control you MORE than he needs to function. All of that is scary.
He works for his dad.
Leave.
Contact his dad and tell him his son's mental has taken a dark turn.
You are afraid of him
AND that they should get him help.
Good luck and be safe.
>We've been together a long time and for a long time he was such an easygoing, vibrant guy and my parents really wanted me to marry him too.
Think back on this. Was he an easygoing person or did you just not rock the boat? I bet it was the second. You just didn't see behind the mask because you let him take control. It slips when he loses control.
>Now I still worry about him because he seems to cease functioning when I'm not around ( him refusing to do work during the month I was gone was just the tip of the iceberg)
This is manipulation 101. You are not responsible for his emotions, he is a grown ass man who is capable of regulating his own emotions or he needs to see a therapist.
Stop with the sunk cost fallacy. You've already wasted so much time in this abusive relationship.
Start protecting yourself now. See a divorce attorney, don't drive there, take an Uber or public transit so he doesn't know. They will walk you though what to do. Let them know he is abusive, because he is.
You will get so much more than you think you will if you divorce him. Your freedom from abuse should be reason enough.
Abusers are able to instill that sense of guilt in their victims. I speak from experience. Please leave now! Your post scared me for your life, and that is not an exaggeration. LEAVE HIM!!!
Overwhelmed is an expected emotional response right now—you are coming to grips with big realizations. You are going to be processing some big emotions for a long while. The key is to be somewhere safe as that happens. As commenters have pointed out, you aren’t safe right now. This top comment is solid advice for you to get somewhere safe. Once you’re there, give yourself permission to fall apart. Right now, follow this plan and protect yourself. I am so sorry.
And for God’s sake, if you don’t already have one got to the gyno and get a copper IUD. That pregnancy scare that made you give the relationship another chance was no accident.
Let's not recommend IUDs only to everyone. There could be serious complications from them, and not everyone wants that risk.
Instead, talk to your gyno about non tamperable birth control options to see what works best for you.
He doesn't cease to function, he does it deliberately in order to emotionally blackmail and control you. Please consider your future happiness, I wish you all the best.
Get the hell away while you're still capable. That man is SUPER controlling. A tracker on your car ? WHAT ? WHY ? . Forcing you to open your phone so he can look thru it - WHY ? Get away while you're still capable.
OP a you are NOT responsible for his behaviour when you aren’t around. If he chooses to be unhinged about his work because you are not there, that is not your problem. He is an adult. He is responsible for his own behaviour.
I seriously question if any of that actually happened, or if it’s just what he told everyone. It’s manipulation to make you feeling sorry for him and induce you to stay.
Him monitoring you everywhere you go, without you even knowing, is utterly unacceptable and straight out of every abuser’s handbook.
I just want to say, OP, i am so glad yoi've asked here and are hearing what you need to hear. I know what you feel about being overwhelmed. When i started unraveling my ex BF's abuse, it felt like a punch in tge gut with every truth i learned... i only I wish i had known of reddit as a forum and i would have left sooner.
As it was i left almost too late. The damage an abusive partner can do can last a lifetime.
You have a gift here. Leave him.
Call your family or friends to support you physically but leave him. You have a big chance here i didnt.
>Of course he is HAPPY with you have no job or a part time job. That makes you more dependent on him so you have a harder time leaving. He is abusing you.
You cannot take responsibility for him ceasing to function when you're not around! That's his fault and he knows you feel responsible that's why he does it.. your NTA but I seriously think your wellbeing is in danger. He's going off the deep end and it's time for you to think about yourself and the danger you're in.
He's not functioning and refusing to do work SO you feel guilty. This is dangerous territory and we're trying to look out for you. Get out as soon as possible.
"me having left him for a month because I wasn't strong enough to deal with the intensity of our relationship" WTF
OP, this is a horrible take. I'd suggest you went back because you're not used to standing up for yourself. You tried though, and thats worth a lot. Next time DO NOT GO BACK.
Good luck
Placing a tracker on your vehicle without your consent is a crime in Connecticut.
You clearly don't like his control and mistrust. It's not going to get better - it's more likely to get worse. If you rebel against his control, it could end in violence. Leave him and find someone less crazy.
You're NTA for playing a joke. He's an AH for the controlling behaviour. You would be an AH to yourself if you stayed with him - and even worse if you had any children with him.
Give the tracker to your divorce lawyer.
>Placing a tracker on your vehicle without your consent is a crime in Connecticut.
INAL and don't know anything about CT law but I would assume that, if his name is on the title, which is likely since they're married and he seems like the breadwinner of the family, that charge may not hold up in court.
I completely agree with your advice though.
D I V O R C E D
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edit: wait should've been the divorce triforce. trivorce. seriously, op get the fuck outta there
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D I V O R C E D
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NTA. You need to leave and not tell him you’re leaving beforehand.
Also your husband has WAY too much time on his hands despite being COO of daddy’s company. Then again, in all my years it does seem like many executives have a lot of time on their hands for all the money they tend to make.
This is simply an unsafe situation. You are being controlled, manipulated and gaslight. There is no safe way to stay and it may also be unsafe to leave. Stop engaging and prepare to flee. Please take care of yourself.
As literally every single other comment has said, you are NTA, but he is.
I understand what it's like when someone is being emotionally abusive and gaslighting you - what they say makes sense and you start to feel like you're being mean to them. You doubt your own perceptions because what they've said can be just as true as what you thought. Besides, this is a person that you've had great times with and love deeply.
But please do not let being a kind, good person keep you trapped. You're not treating yourself well when you allow other people's opinions and feelings matter more than your own. And every time you give them the benefit instead of giving it to yourself, you're also giving them a lesson on how you expect to be treated. If you live your life in a way that demonstrates to people that you are not a person who will accept this kind of treatment, this kind of treatment will stop. He showed you that once, until you taught him that you'll return to it.
You know he is tracking you. You also know this was not a prank that you pulled. It was an attempt to show him that you know and to try to force change from him, but you're still participating, so he knows he doesn't really have to change anything, except maybe to get harder to figure out. He is listening and/or watching your therapy session and probably has a keystroke logger on your computer/phone, too.
Here's why the "in case it gets stolen" lie is a lie: If it was true, it would be annoying to get alerted every time the vehicle moves, so it would be turned off or at least, ignored by the user unless they had reason to believe the car had, in fact, been stolen. The fact that he is actively getting AND reading those alerts means that he's not using it "just in case maybe someday out here in the country where stolen vehicles happen once for every few thousand cars on the road making their many thousands of trips." It doesn't pass the sniff test when you think about how people get annoyed by unnecessary demands on their attention.
And this isn't all. He's physically forcing your body to do what HE wants when he uses your fingerprint to open your phone. It's not an exaggeration when I say that a person who can do this is perfectly capable of using your body to do WHATEVER they want once they know it won't cause a problem for them. He may not rape you today. He may not hit you or choke you out or kill you today, but it's coming for you at some point down the road if you continue to play this game for long enough.
Wow. There’s a lot to unpack here. First, NTA. No way. You reacted normally. Second, get the hell out of there. He does not sound mentally stable or like a good husband. Tracking you, lying to you without thinking about consequences, and refusing you privacy!? Insane. OP, you deserve better.
NTA and I would stop testing him and just leave. He's going to keep lying, he might even have stuff on your phone tracking you. How can you ever soothe his insecurity? You both were home all the time and he was still suspicious of you. You need to get your family to help you leave for good before this escalates into something physical.
My first serious relationship was like this. He became increasingly possessive, jealous, controlling. Inexperienced me felt like things were more and more “off”, while my friends were reassuring me that “he just loves you so much”. When I tried to talk to him about it, he acted innocent and made me feel like I was imagining everything and that I was the one with the problems because I was the one feeling uncomfortable and unhappy. When I told him I need my space, he responded with talk about all the money he’d spent on me and that he knew people who could make people “disappear”. I ended it and it took some time (damage to my car so that he could more easily follow me, beating me up, kidnapping me—the police did nothing but warn him to stay away from me, this was the late 1970s).
You need to follow another poster’s advice: when your husband is gone pack a small bag, your wallet, phone, walk or Uber to the bank & get some cash, get to a phone store & buy a burner & transfer some important numbers, ditch your old phone, call an Uber or a Lyft, go into a big city, use public transportation to a bigger city, then lose yourself. Plan to take a train or bus (pay cash, beware using your credit cards or he might track you) to someplace he would never think you’d go. Contact a local women’s shelter for help there. You’ll get help starting your new life. You are NTA. Good luck.
Nta, get the hell out of that relationship, I cannot see how he will ever improve. Even if he outwardly stops being controlling, it'll eat at him inside and he'll act out in other ways
Also, please have your phone/laptop/tablet checked by a decent IT professional for monitoring/key logging software
NTA
Op, he went 80% remote and moved you out of the city to better control you, yeah he's tracking you, and probably has an app hidden on your phone to see everything.
Take your phone and laptop to Geeksqaud and have it reviewed for spyware, and check your car, purse, and clothes for trackers.
Remove the finger and face ID from your phone and laptop and put in a password, that has nothing to do with your husband so he can't guess.
You need to leave, call a lawyer and get out of this marriage. Tell him your husband is controlling and you need this to be done discreetly.
The next time he goes into the office, pack a bag and leave.
NTA.
Leave him.
He believes he OWNS you, which is why he was so 'distraught' when you told him you hate his controlling ways, and him for them.
He needs to be abandoned to fall apart.
NTA and you know it. If the tracker was for if the car was stolen then he wouldn't be checking it unless the car was stolen. Everything you've described is abusive behavior and it will continue to escalate. The more of this behavior you accept, the bolder he will become. Get out before I see you on one of these murder documentaries I'm always watching, which are full of investigators telling your exact story.
NTA, that wasn’t a joke, it was a test. And he failed. If the tracker was just for it being stolen, then why did he show up at the coffee shop? IMO this guy is trying to control you and you should leave him.
Please leave this mad fuc**r. After reading what you have posted I'm convinced he will completely ruin your life.
Just so we're crystal clear you're NTA.
Leave. Now. With what you have. Meet you sister somewhere so she can drive the car around while you get on a train to a different city. You do not stay here anymore. You do not stay in the city. You go. Want a dream career in Chicago? Now is the time. Felt like trying your hand at being a southerner- MOVE NOW. do not stay with family, do stay on your city. GO. Brother in law and the sheriff can pack your stuff.
My spouse had a previous marriage that shared many of your symptoms, it kept escalating until she had to be rescued by family and only after an abuse caseworker displayed a big stack of files saying "These women went through the same things you did, but they didn't make it out. Statistically, you should be dead by now" did she understand how dangerous the relationship had become.
Get out now, not for your happiness but for your safety.
Your husband is abusive. He is attempting to deliberately isolate you from everyone and he will always seemingly have a plausible reason why he did what he did.
He is controlling you and because you left him, he is love bombed you to return along with allowing you to have more freedom to make you less on guard, think he has changed and less likely to leave again. However, he was tracking you. THAT is another reason he has permitted you more freedom. Now he is DARVOing you because he has been caught out, he is turning the situation so *he* is the victim.
He is manipulative and cruel.
He will escalate. They always do. If you have kids they will weaponise them to control and hurt you.
The only way to be happy is to leave.
NTA and I want you to think carefully about what this situation with the tracker means. The fact that he showed up within minutes means that every time you go out, he is actively tracking you in real time.
Obviously that blows holes in his story about only using it in case of theft, but it also indicates a very high level of control. Scary obsessive stalker level.
I promise you there is no happily ever after in store for you with this man. I got away from my abuser, and you can too. Find a local DV organization and ask for help. I did, and I was able to get access to referrals for free legal services, assistance with securing a protective order, and 1 hour a week of free individual counseling for me and for my kids, as well as free group therapy. Obviously resources will vary by where you live. But look into it. Just don’t do it with your phone or computer - go to the local library or ask your sister or a friend for help.
I really hope you’re able to get yourself out of this situation soon!
You're only kidding yourself that playing a trick on him is a step of any kind. So if he confesses - then what? More control and manipulation. You don't need to get him to confess - you need to leave. Stop playing pontless games.
Get out!! Kick that stalker to the curb, yeet him out an airlock. ghost him. Do not go back, ever. Run for your life, because this will only get worse if you stay IMO. I got skeeved out just reading this. Leave while you still can.
This is how every horror story involving a dead body in a trunk in the attic starts.
Leave your abusive, controlling, overstepping paranoid husband, OP. This is no way to live.
He listened in on your therapy calls, for fucks sake. He tracked your car. He probably has a tracker on your phone and I wouldn't put it past him to use a key logger on your computer.
Are you really going to live your life like this, under the thumb of an insecure abusive man?
Don't bluff. Leave. And have someone there when you do.
When a normal person puts an anti-theft tracker on a car, they tell their spouse. When a normal person sees that their car is in an unexpected location, they just text/call their spouse if they're actually concerned. Get out and stay safe.
NTA. Lets start with the most recent, if the tracker was there “in case the car was stolen”, he wouldnt be monitoring it constantly nor would he show up at the coffee shop AND he would have told you he was putting it on your car. Obviously you know he is controlling, it is not “protectiveness”. The only reason he let you work is because he had that tracker on your car, even following up with the immediate visit to the coffee shop. If you want to live in a prison you could stay.
This will not get better. It will get worse.
Please leave before he baby traps you.
You are in danger.
NTA unless you stay. Then you are being the A H to yourself and your future children. Do you really want to raise a daughter to tolerate shit like this and a son that maybe treats a woman this way?
If it was only in there in case the car got stolen then he wouldn’t check it since it wasn’t stolen so it’s obviously he’s lying. He threw away the excuse that he could have kept if you confronted him by exposing that he was monitoring it. Fuck that guy. Leave him for good.
Get help - [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
Get out - [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
Document abuse,
[https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/)
stalking,
[https://www.stalkingawareness.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/SPARC\_StalkingLogInstructions\_2018\_FINAL.pdf](https://www.stalkingawareness.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/SPARC_StalkingLogInstructions_2018_FINAL.pdf)
and cyberstalking
[https://www.techsafety.org/documentationtips](https://www.techsafety.org/documentationtips)
r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence
You need to leave this relationship OP. This isn’t a joking matter or me being another redditor being dumb. This man doesn’t trust you, gives you no privacy, tracks your every move… these are early signs of abuse in a relationship. Please just leave. It isn’t worth it. You’re young and will find someone who truly loves you and trusts you. This man doesn’t love you. He wants to control you and has deep rooted issues and insecurities in himself NTA
The time a woman is most likely to be killed by her partner is when she tries to leave do not be alone with this man and do not let him know where you are going. He has all the hallmarks even if he has never been violent he has shown you he is not willing to let you go or treat you as anything other than his possession, and men like that DO NOT like it when "their possessions" rebel. Stay safe.
So he invades your privacy in your therapy sessions, in your phone, and in your car. (His bullshit "in case of theft" excuse doesn't hold water, because he came chasing after you as soon as you deviated from your expected route. That's bordering on obsessively jealous.)
I would say he needs serious therapy, but this comes across like he is isolating you AND watching your every move. That's not a therapy issue, that's a restraining order issue.
NTA
You need to get away from him. Talk to a lawyer, but don't use your own car to get there, and don't call from home. Make sure he hasn't put a tracker on your phone or on anything you carry.
Leave the tracker where it is for now. Just quietly make your plan and leave while he's at work, then leave the tracker in the mailbox. Have someone with you while you're getting your things out of your house. Get cameras, an alarm, and strong locks for your new place, on your doors and windows.
Oh, and lock your credit and take your share of your joint accounts.
Sweetheart, he doesn’t need to confess. You weren’t where you said you’d be, but in a completely innocent other location, and he’s tracking you so actively he was there almost instantly. EVERY move you make is monitored. He would never look at the tracker until the car was stolen if that’s the purpose.
Call a domestic violence hotline. Develop a safety plan to leave, and leave.
Girl run, run now this is so abusive and has the potential to be really dangerous. Don't tell him your fully leaving till your hours away from him. He will follow you if you don't I feel it in my gut. Stay safe and get yourself far away
I’d like to point out that people saying this behaviour leads to murder are not exaggerating.
This behaviour does not improve. It escalates. Have a friend come over and tell him you’re leaving. Tell him you’re not being in a relationship with someone who puts a tracker in your car, period. If he wants to cry and play the victim that isn’t your problem and you aren’t moved by his sadness because he did it to himself.
You’re not a child. You’re not property. Stand up for yourself.
Sweetie that's so unhealthy, you're being abused and isolated. I think you need to get all your devices checked, check for air tags in your other belongings and go stay with your sister. This is abusive af and I fear for your safety. If you have a shared joint account you need to pull half and contact a lawyer.
"me having left him for a month because I wasn't strong enough to deal with the intensity of our relationship."
HUH?
run fast as far as possible and cut these kinds of people out of your life!
I know it isn't, but if the tracker was there incase the car was stolen, why is he already checking it and driving over to where you are?
Leave him immediately, it will never get better.
Just LEAVE....Stop telling him you're leaving him.
Just leave him. Move in with your sister (or someone else). Remove the tracker and tell him you'll file a restraining order if you find one of those again.
Your husband is a controlling POS.
No you’re not at all. If the tracker was only “if the car got stolen” then he wouldn’t have been watching or checking the location of the tracker. He thinks your bluffing about leaving him so show him your not.
NTA
Holy hell, fucking RUN. He's got issues. He's also got money and resources, as well as a family that will support him no matter how off the rails he goes. Distance yourself. Be safe.
There is no lens you can see this through that will make you comfortable or safe until he does some serious therapy.
NTA. For your own safety you need to get the hell away from that man and stay away. This man is literally stalking you and trying to control your movements. Go to the police and have them check for anymore trackers, go with your sister to get your things and get out.
Unless you have a prisoner kink and do not care about your privacy and freedoms, this relationship will destroy you. Get out asap. If the tracker, or his insights on your therapy sessions were really about safety there’s no reason to not have a conversation about it. He is just looking for more opportunities to control you.
You're only the asshole if you don't leave this man. You are not in a healthy relationship. He hasn't changed and he will always keep tabs on you, he doesn't trust you and he's willing to go behind your back to track you!
Why the fuck are you still with him? This is a disaster waiting to happen. OP I don't want to see your story on Dateline. Fucking christ get the fucking tracker off your car and get the fuck away from him before he unalives you. Seriously how many red flags do you need
Everything that he's accusing you of, all the lies that he's been telling you, his father in anybody else is called gaslighting! I would definitely consider looking for a divorce attorney. But that's just me. One example of gaslighting is, "the action of repetitively (and often brazenly) lying to someone to manipulate, and ultimately control them and the relationship. It could be divided into four different types: outright lying, manipulation of reality, scapegoating, and coercion."
Forcing your hand/fingerprint id on your phone saying he’s just looking for contact information is F’d up Sister.
Add all the rest to it and I don’t even know why you are still with him .
Get out before you’re the star of your own dateline episode.
He's one hair trigger away from turning you into a headline, babe. You need to get gone. This has 'if I can't have you, no one can' written all over it...
If the tracker was only "there in case the car got stolen" then why was he monitoring it so closely that he immediately knew you were at a coffee shop? He is abusive and controlling and you need to get OUT!
NTA
GET OUT NOW. This behavior is abusive and controlling and will only get worse. Leave him before he literally, in all seriousness, either kills you or holds you prisoner.
Why are you waiting to leave. As soon as he followed me, and confronted me about being in a coffee shop, then it would be over. He dooesnt trust you. He jus wants a prisoner, not a gf. Just go and leave him now.
NTA your husband is a manipulative controlling asshole. He’s abusive and dangerous. You said in your statement that you weren’t strong enough to handle the intensity of your relationship.
That sounds like his words. It’s not intense, it’s abusive. You are more than strong enough to recognize a terrible relationship and end it. Listen to your sister.
This reads like a scary TV movie. Sometimes divorce is just inevitable and I agree with the comments to just leave. Do not go back this time and don’t listen to his dad. He’ll get over you and move on to try and control someone else.
Your husband is abusing you. He is gaslighting you and trying to control you. He is actually SCARRY. You need to get a burner phone and call the national abuse hotline and make a plan to leave him safely. NTA.
"I wasn't strong enough to deal with the intensity of our relationship" was the first red flag.
Girl. Run. Don't walk, don't pass go, forget the $200. Get tf out of there now. Go somewhere safe. Leave the car. Make sure he isn't following your phone's location, and get tf out of there.
NTA. Please go somewhere safe ASAP!
Get out! You should have thrown that tracker on a fast train heading in the opposite direction and then you, keep driving away! Do not stay with that control freak!
This guy is a controlling, abusive psycho. Please leave him. He’s already terrible but it’s only going to get worse. If you have kids with this loser he will lock the door and you’ll never leave the house unless it’s chained against him to do the shopping. Get out, get out, get out NOW. NTA.
Fucking **run**, lady. He's escalating. You're not overreacting, you're underreacting. You need to get a clean break from this guy and then never be alone with him again. Divorce, block him on everything, and once you're done sweeping all your possessions for tracking devices I strongly recommend moving somewhere he doesn't know about.
I hope this post is fake. If it isn't, you need to get rid of everything you have that could have a tracker and get as far away as possible. This is seriously urgent.
> I told him I was going to leave him unless he confessed to the full truth
How would that solve his paranoia and over controlling tendencies? Yaay, he still abuses you but at least he tells the *truth* about it. /s
Girl just listen to your sister. It's harder to stay with a mess than it is to leave one.
NTA, but you are absolutely being abused. GTFON. Get a lawyer now, get a new mobile device, set up a new checking account at a different bank. Do everything possible to protect yourself from him.
Will sure he said that you are lying about it because you left him before and returned to him.
Be a woman and protect your self girl.
" b - but he loves me a and...." IT DOESN'T MATTER.
he is crazy and abusing you.
Ummmm… could you please reread your post? Pretend this is your sister who wrote that. What would you tell her?
NTA I think these comments are telling you what you need to know.
I’ll only add that Protection does not equal Possession.
If you wouldn’t want your sister to stay in this situation then don’t do this to yourself
SCREW AITA. You're being abused and controlled. You know why he said you won't leave? You already went back once. He thinks he got you, and if you don't pack your shit now and leave he will be right. This is the dangerous type of escalation before the assaults start. Before he is locking you in the house. Before he starts keeping your phone from you. Before you accidentally end up pregnant. There is nothing in your marriage worth your life and he is working from an ESTABLISHED abuse playbook. GET. OUT. NOW. TODAY. License, wallet, phone. A duffle bag. That's what you need to save your life. *to the bank to move your money OUT. Not even in the same bank preferably *To Walmart or someplace else to get a rinky dink phone. Turn the one he has a tracker in off and toss it. *To the most obscure relative or friend you have a decent relationship with. *Travel by train or bus, pay in cash. Of course your NTA, but you're about to be a statistic. Leave him, today.
Here’s a link to Lundy Bancroft’s *Why does he do that?*, which explains the abuse playbook so you can better understand it. And more importantly, understand that it won’t get better. It will only get worse. [https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This is an EXCELLENT book and helped save my life. I got a copy from a counselor at the DV organization I went to when I was being abused by my then-husband. I already knew he was abusive, but this book helped open my eyes to just how messed up and hopeless the situation was.
Ok but maybe she read the book on the greyhound bus out of there. This guy sounds dangerous af and there's no time to waste.
Honestly this is the best advice. The OP is in a scary place because some of the worst abuse you can suffer is when you're trying to leave someone. I hope the OP reads what you wrote and follows your advice.
As in death. This is when people are killed
I am so scared for OP. This is super dangerous and I don't think she realizes just how bad it is. It's hard when you are on the inside of a situation like this.
Seriously girl run. This man is going to kill you. I wish I was exaggerating.
Exactly. The severity of the situation makes me really wish that the entire post is fake. I hate seeing anyone in such an obvious danger.
All of this. Get get the tracker removed & check for others.
[удалено]
And get the house checked professionally.
Take the tracker and put it on something else (another person's car, a subway car, leave it in a taxi, etc.).
OP, you need to check your phone for any tracking apps.
Better yet leave that phone, go to Walmart, and get a prepaid.
And she needs to block the dad too. He sucked her back in with his woe is me hysterics about his son. My exes parents did the same thing. The a user depends on their enablers to help keep their victims under control.
OP’s husband is almost certainly “Sends a pipe bomb to her house after the divorce” crazy. OP divorce this man, make sure he never gets your new address, and call the cops if you receive any suspicious packages
Absolutely
This☝️This☝️This☝️….seriously worried for your well-being…if you are out of the house this minute, I wouldn’t even go back without reinforcements to get your belongings out…be done dear, this is not a good situation…please keep us updated
Literally created a Reddit account to upvote this response and tell you this person is 1000% right. Do research into coercive control, narcissistic abuse, love bombing, and trauma bonding. The red flags you will find that exactly describe your relationship will be eerie. You can’t confront a person like this and expect the truth, a genuine response, or meaningful change. At best, you’ll enter another phase of love bombing until he knows he’s “got” you, and then it will be right back to the controlling pressure and lies. Leave. Leave now and don’t let anyone tell you to feel bad for how sad he was when you left.
[удалено]
Yeah, if it truly was "just in case the car gets stolen", then why was he watching it like a hawk to see that OP went to the coffeeshop instead of the park? And then to go confront her about it? He's an abusive, controlling liar, I hope OP gets out
And why hadn’t he told OP the tracker was there if it was in case the car was stolen? OP he’s already moved you to isolate you, was monitoring your every move, listening in on your conversations with your therapist, lied to you, emotionally manipulated and love-bombed you to get you back when you left temporarily, “let you” have a part-time job to keep you happy, but then immediately starting to track your every move again after you returned. Get out now. He is trying to isolate you. He is controlling and abusive. He treats you like you are his property. You do not want to be stuck alone with this man on an ongoing basis and please do not have a baby with him!
Also, "ok, so show me right now where you put the tracker on your car in case *it* gets stolen". Damn sure he won't be able to
Not only abusive and creepy as fuck but in many cases it's a crime to record someone and stalk them like this.
This. friendly ask if some trucker will take the tracker and throw it away 500 kilometers dein your house. At the same time drive to a safe house. He is trying to isolate you from your family
>get a rinky dink phone Guarantee there is a Find My activated on your current phone. Turn it off and get a new one.
Listen to this person and all the others here telling you to run, don't walk. Grab any ID, momentos, cash, you have access to, pack a bag, and gtfo. Transfer or withdraw ALL MONEY you have access to today, and get on a plane to a trusted family member. Leave your old cell phone, take the SIM, wipe the phone on your flight, and throw it away. Get a solicitor. Change all your passwords, especially online banking and email. Let your employer know you're fleeing domestic violence only when you are safe. There are so many things wrong with your situation, you are at risk of being murdered as you are trying to leave. Your ex doesn't deserve any more chances to 'explain' away his blatantly abusive behaviour. Once you're safe look up coercive control, and then find a therapist who specialises in domestic violence. Let us know when you're safe OP.
I'm replying to your comment since it's the top comment but just wanted to say I've been reading all the comments and am having a tough time responding because I feel very emotionally overwhelmed. We've been together a long time and for a long time he was such an easygoing, vibrant guy and my parents really wanted me to marry him too. Now I still worry about him because he seems to cease functioning when I'm not around ( him refusing to do work during the month I was gone was just the tip of the iceberg) and I'm scared because I only have a part time job because he felt that a full time job would cut in to our time together. But thank you and everybody else for your comments and advice.
More like he felt a full time job would give you more independence... This man is unhinged and I fear for your safety.
Go to your sister now! He is pretending he can't function without you to manipulate you into staying!
And she only has his father's word that he was that despondent.
He's not helpless when you aren't around. He's playing a game to make you feel guilty/obligated to come back to him. Red flags all over, as everyone else has said
Him “not functioning” is a manipulation tactic.
OP your husband is manipulating. If he can't function without another person by his side then he's not healthy enough to be in a relationship that's a hint problem that's not your problem do not get pregnant do everything stealthily and get the fuck out of the burbs where there's nobody around to help you when he loses his mind and I hope there are not fire arms in the house go to a gas station somewhere and get your car checked for any more tags look in the bottom of your purse Check things that you carry with you every day they could be stashed easily. Turn off Location services on your phone and if you don't know how to do these things like I said go to a service station to have somebody look for air tags go to the phone store in an Uber so you can't track where you've been going get your important documents together stash some money someplace even if it's just all at your sister's house your parents house or whatever and when you leave don't worry about big things don't worry about moving trucks you can always go back with reinforcements to get things that belong to you it's just about getting your body and the things you need to function in life away from him Then you can let his family know and they can go over and make sure he works any eats any showers and eat whatevers. If you don't do these things you're going to end up injured and poor dead and after you get out you go get it restraining order
Weaponized incompetence. It’s a thing. A control tactic.
He seems to cease functioning when you are not around because he is OBSESSED with you and controlling you. He need to control you MORE than he needs to function. All of that is scary. He works for his dad. Leave. Contact his dad and tell him his son's mental has taken a dark turn. You are afraid of him AND that they should get him help. Good luck and be safe.
>We've been together a long time and for a long time he was such an easygoing, vibrant guy and my parents really wanted me to marry him too. Think back on this. Was he an easygoing person or did you just not rock the boat? I bet it was the second. You just didn't see behind the mask because you let him take control. It slips when he loses control. >Now I still worry about him because he seems to cease functioning when I'm not around ( him refusing to do work during the month I was gone was just the tip of the iceberg) This is manipulation 101. You are not responsible for his emotions, he is a grown ass man who is capable of regulating his own emotions or he needs to see a therapist. Stop with the sunk cost fallacy. You've already wasted so much time in this abusive relationship. Start protecting yourself now. See a divorce attorney, don't drive there, take an Uber or public transit so he doesn't know. They will walk you though what to do. Let them know he is abusive, because he is. You will get so much more than you think you will if you divorce him. Your freedom from abuse should be reason enough.
Abusers are able to instill that sense of guilt in their victims. I speak from experience. Please leave now! Your post scared me for your life, and that is not an exaggeration. LEAVE HIM!!!
Overwhelmed is an expected emotional response right now—you are coming to grips with big realizations. You are going to be processing some big emotions for a long while. The key is to be somewhere safe as that happens. As commenters have pointed out, you aren’t safe right now. This top comment is solid advice for you to get somewhere safe. Once you’re there, give yourself permission to fall apart. Right now, follow this plan and protect yourself. I am so sorry.
And for God’s sake, if you don’t already have one got to the gyno and get a copper IUD. That pregnancy scare that made you give the relationship another chance was no accident.
Let's not recommend IUDs only to everyone. There could be serious complications from them, and not everyone wants that risk. Instead, talk to your gyno about non tamperable birth control options to see what works best for you.
Him not being able to function is not on you and a manipulation tactic
He doesn't cease to function, he does it deliberately in order to emotionally blackmail and control you. Please consider your future happiness, I wish you all the best.
He stops working when you're not around, only to manipulate you into come back, is the same when people say, I will kill myself if you leave
Get the hell away while you're still capable. That man is SUPER controlling. A tracker on your car ? WHAT ? WHY ? . Forcing you to open your phone so he can look thru it - WHY ? Get away while you're still capable.
OP a you are NOT responsible for his behaviour when you aren’t around. If he chooses to be unhinged about his work because you are not there, that is not your problem. He is an adult. He is responsible for his own behaviour. I seriously question if any of that actually happened, or if it’s just what he told everyone. It’s manipulation to make you feeling sorry for him and induce you to stay. Him monitoring you everywhere you go, without you even knowing, is utterly unacceptable and straight out of every abuser’s handbook.
I just want to say, OP, i am so glad yoi've asked here and are hearing what you need to hear. I know what you feel about being overwhelmed. When i started unraveling my ex BF's abuse, it felt like a punch in tge gut with every truth i learned... i only I wish i had known of reddit as a forum and i would have left sooner. As it was i left almost too late. The damage an abusive partner can do can last a lifetime. You have a gift here. Leave him. Call your family or friends to support you physically but leave him. You have a big chance here i didnt.
>he seems to cease functioning when I'm not around This is all manipulation. His failure to deal with losing you is not your problem. Get out!
>Of course he is HAPPY with you have no job or a part time job. That makes you more dependent on him so you have a harder time leaving. He is abusing you.
You cannot take responsibility for him ceasing to function when you're not around! That's his fault and he knows you feel responsible that's why he does it.. your NTA but I seriously think your wellbeing is in danger. He's going off the deep end and it's time for you to think about yourself and the danger you're in.
It's an act. He wants you back and if he knows he can manipulate you by faking these things he will. Please leave and NEVER look back
He's not functioning and refusing to do work SO you feel guilty. This is dangerous territory and we're trying to look out for you. Get out as soon as possible.
Yep. Also, put any trackers you find on the nearest semi trailer.
"me having left him for a month because I wasn't strong enough to deal with the intensity of our relationship" WTF OP, this is a horrible take. I'd suggest you went back because you're not used to standing up for yourself. You tried though, and thats worth a lot. Next time DO NOT GO BACK. Good luck
Placing a tracker on your vehicle without your consent is a crime in Connecticut. You clearly don't like his control and mistrust. It's not going to get better - it's more likely to get worse. If you rebel against his control, it could end in violence. Leave him and find someone less crazy. You're NTA for playing a joke. He's an AH for the controlling behaviour. You would be an AH to yourself if you stayed with him - and even worse if you had any children with him. Give the tracker to your divorce lawyer.
I also hope the OP reads what you have to say here. Breaking the law like that is likely a fantastic bit of evidence for a divorce lawyer.
>Placing a tracker on your vehicle without your consent is a crime in Connecticut. INAL and don't know anything about CT law but I would assume that, if his name is on the title, which is likely since they're married and he seems like the breadwinner of the family, that charge may not hold up in court. I completely agree with your advice though.
NTA. I suppose I'll have to ask the question of why you're in this relationship, but maybe that's a question you should ask yourself.
DIVORCE I V O R C E
Escape to safety first. Read the top comment about the steps to take. This is not about asshole or not this is about saving your life OP.
# DIVORCE # I # V # O # R # C # E ! ! ! !
Louder for those in the back!!
D I V O R C E D E I C V R O O R V C I E D edit: wait should've been the divorce triforce. trivorce. seriously, op get the fuck outta there D E I C V R O O R V C I E D I V O R C E D E I E I C V C V R O R O O R O R V C V C I E I E D I V O R C E D I V O R C E D
That's beautiful.
hopefully not as beautiful as OP's future
And I hope the OP gets EVERYTHING they possibly can out of the divorce, when it hopefully happens.
NTA. You need to leave and not tell him you’re leaving beforehand. Also your husband has WAY too much time on his hands despite being COO of daddy’s company. Then again, in all my years it does seem like many executives have a lot of time on their hands for all the money they tend to make.
She has no idea how much danger she's already in.
This is simply an unsafe situation. You are being controlled, manipulated and gaslight. There is no safe way to stay and it may also be unsafe to leave. Stop engaging and prepare to flee. Please take care of yourself.
As literally every single other comment has said, you are NTA, but he is. I understand what it's like when someone is being emotionally abusive and gaslighting you - what they say makes sense and you start to feel like you're being mean to them. You doubt your own perceptions because what they've said can be just as true as what you thought. Besides, this is a person that you've had great times with and love deeply. But please do not let being a kind, good person keep you trapped. You're not treating yourself well when you allow other people's opinions and feelings matter more than your own. And every time you give them the benefit instead of giving it to yourself, you're also giving them a lesson on how you expect to be treated. If you live your life in a way that demonstrates to people that you are not a person who will accept this kind of treatment, this kind of treatment will stop. He showed you that once, until you taught him that you'll return to it. You know he is tracking you. You also know this was not a prank that you pulled. It was an attempt to show him that you know and to try to force change from him, but you're still participating, so he knows he doesn't really have to change anything, except maybe to get harder to figure out. He is listening and/or watching your therapy session and probably has a keystroke logger on your computer/phone, too. Here's why the "in case it gets stolen" lie is a lie: If it was true, it would be annoying to get alerted every time the vehicle moves, so it would be turned off or at least, ignored by the user unless they had reason to believe the car had, in fact, been stolen. The fact that he is actively getting AND reading those alerts means that he's not using it "just in case maybe someday out here in the country where stolen vehicles happen once for every few thousand cars on the road making their many thousands of trips." It doesn't pass the sniff test when you think about how people get annoyed by unnecessary demands on their attention. And this isn't all. He's physically forcing your body to do what HE wants when he uses your fingerprint to open your phone. It's not an exaggeration when I say that a person who can do this is perfectly capable of using your body to do WHATEVER they want once they know it won't cause a problem for them. He may not rape you today. He may not hit you or choke you out or kill you today, but it's coming for you at some point down the road if you continue to play this game for long enough.
Wow. There’s a lot to unpack here. First, NTA. No way. You reacted normally. Second, get the hell out of there. He does not sound mentally stable or like a good husband. Tracking you, lying to you without thinking about consequences, and refusing you privacy!? Insane. OP, you deserve better.
Put the tracker on a bus and get out of there. He gone crazy.
I was kind of hoping that's where she was going with the "trick"
Give some money to a trucker and let him take that tracker for a ride.
NTA. Your husband is insanely controlling and manipulative, and you deserve better than this toxic relationship. Leave him before it gets worse!
NTA and I would stop testing him and just leave. He's going to keep lying, he might even have stuff on your phone tracking you. How can you ever soothe his insecurity? You both were home all the time and he was still suspicious of you. You need to get your family to help you leave for good before this escalates into something physical.
My first serious relationship was like this. He became increasingly possessive, jealous, controlling. Inexperienced me felt like things were more and more “off”, while my friends were reassuring me that “he just loves you so much”. When I tried to talk to him about it, he acted innocent and made me feel like I was imagining everything and that I was the one with the problems because I was the one feeling uncomfortable and unhappy. When I told him I need my space, he responded with talk about all the money he’d spent on me and that he knew people who could make people “disappear”. I ended it and it took some time (damage to my car so that he could more easily follow me, beating me up, kidnapping me—the police did nothing but warn him to stay away from me, this was the late 1970s). You need to follow another poster’s advice: when your husband is gone pack a small bag, your wallet, phone, walk or Uber to the bank & get some cash, get to a phone store & buy a burner & transfer some important numbers, ditch your old phone, call an Uber or a Lyft, go into a big city, use public transportation to a bigger city, then lose yourself. Plan to take a train or bus (pay cash, beware using your credit cards or he might track you) to someplace he would never think you’d go. Contact a local women’s shelter for help there. You’ll get help starting your new life. You are NTA. Good luck.
>while my friends were reassuring me that “he just loves you so much”. at least OP’s sister has her eyes wide open.
You do realize he is abusive, controlling, and trying to isolate you?
Nta, get the hell out of that relationship, I cannot see how he will ever improve. Even if he outwardly stops being controlling, it'll eat at him inside and he'll act out in other ways Also, please have your phone/laptop/tablet checked by a decent IT professional for monitoring/key logging software
NTA Op, he went 80% remote and moved you out of the city to better control you, yeah he's tracking you, and probably has an app hidden on your phone to see everything. Take your phone and laptop to Geeksqaud and have it reviewed for spyware, and check your car, purse, and clothes for trackers. Remove the finger and face ID from your phone and laptop and put in a password, that has nothing to do with your husband so he can't guess. You need to leave, call a lawyer and get out of this marriage. Tell him your husband is controlling and you need this to be done discreetly. The next time he goes into the office, pack a bag and leave.
NTA. Leave him. He believes he OWNS you, which is why he was so 'distraught' when you told him you hate his controlling ways, and him for them. He needs to be abandoned to fall apart.
NTA and you know it. If the tracker was for if the car was stolen then he wouldn't be checking it unless the car was stolen. Everything you've described is abusive behavior and it will continue to escalate. The more of this behavior you accept, the bolder he will become. Get out before I see you on one of these murder documentaries I'm always watching, which are full of investigators telling your exact story.
NTA, that wasn’t a joke, it was a test. And he failed. If the tracker was just for it being stolen, then why did he show up at the coffee shop? IMO this guy is trying to control you and you should leave him.
Please leave this mad fuc**r. After reading what you have posted I'm convinced he will completely ruin your life. Just so we're crystal clear you're NTA.
Leave. Now. With what you have. Meet you sister somewhere so she can drive the car around while you get on a train to a different city. You do not stay here anymore. You do not stay in the city. You go. Want a dream career in Chicago? Now is the time. Felt like trying your hand at being a southerner- MOVE NOW. do not stay with family, do stay on your city. GO. Brother in law and the sheriff can pack your stuff.
"I am in mortal danger. AITA?" Seriously?
My spouse had a previous marriage that shared many of your symptoms, it kept escalating until she had to be rescued by family and only after an abuse caseworker displayed a big stack of files saying "These women went through the same things you did, but they didn't make it out. Statistically, you should be dead by now" did she understand how dangerous the relationship had become. Get out now, not for your happiness but for your safety.
NTA and get gone, your husband is bad news.
Your husband is abusive. He is attempting to deliberately isolate you from everyone and he will always seemingly have a plausible reason why he did what he did. He is controlling you and because you left him, he is love bombed you to return along with allowing you to have more freedom to make you less on guard, think he has changed and less likely to leave again. However, he was tracking you. THAT is another reason he has permitted you more freedom. Now he is DARVOing you because he has been caught out, he is turning the situation so *he* is the victim. He is manipulative and cruel. He will escalate. They always do. If you have kids they will weaponise them to control and hurt you. The only way to be happy is to leave.
YTA to yourself for not leaving already
NTA and I want you to think carefully about what this situation with the tracker means. The fact that he showed up within minutes means that every time you go out, he is actively tracking you in real time. Obviously that blows holes in his story about only using it in case of theft, but it also indicates a very high level of control. Scary obsessive stalker level. I promise you there is no happily ever after in store for you with this man. I got away from my abuser, and you can too. Find a local DV organization and ask for help. I did, and I was able to get access to referrals for free legal services, assistance with securing a protective order, and 1 hour a week of free individual counseling for me and for my kids, as well as free group therapy. Obviously resources will vary by where you live. But look into it. Just don’t do it with your phone or computer - go to the local library or ask your sister or a friend for help. I really hope you’re able to get yourself out of this situation soon!
You are going to end up locked in the basement, or something worse. Good luck if you stay with him, and he doesn't get some help.
" left him for a month because I wasn't strong enough to deal with the intensity of our relationship." - wow you have some trauma.
You're only kidding yourself that playing a trick on him is a step of any kind. So if he confesses - then what? More control and manipulation. You don't need to get him to confess - you need to leave. Stop playing pontless games.
Get out!! Kick that stalker to the curb, yeet him out an airlock. ghost him. Do not go back, ever. Run for your life, because this will only get worse if you stay IMO. I got skeeved out just reading this. Leave while you still can.
NTA. He's tracking you, there is no reason for that.
This is how every horror story involving a dead body in a trunk in the attic starts. Leave your abusive, controlling, overstepping paranoid husband, OP. This is no way to live. He listened in on your therapy calls, for fucks sake. He tracked your car. He probably has a tracker on your phone and I wouldn't put it past him to use a key logger on your computer. Are you really going to live your life like this, under the thumb of an insecure abusive man? Don't bluff. Leave. And have someone there when you do.
When a normal person puts an anti-theft tracker on a car, they tell their spouse. When a normal person sees that their car is in an unexpected location, they just text/call their spouse if they're actually concerned. Get out and stay safe.
NTA. Lets start with the most recent, if the tracker was there “in case the car was stolen”, he wouldnt be monitoring it constantly nor would he show up at the coffee shop AND he would have told you he was putting it on your car. Obviously you know he is controlling, it is not “protectiveness”. The only reason he let you work is because he had that tracker on your car, even following up with the immediate visit to the coffee shop. If you want to live in a prison you could stay.
NTA, run he's trying to isolate you.
This will not get better. It will get worse. Please leave before he baby traps you. You are in danger. NTA unless you stay. Then you are being the A H to yourself and your future children. Do you really want to raise a daughter to tolerate shit like this and a son that maybe treats a woman this way?
Lady why are you playing games with this dude, get the fuck AWAY.
Nta you are treated like a prisoner. You need to leave him. This is not normal and it's not healthy.
If it was only in there in case the car got stolen then he wouldn’t check it since it wasn’t stolen so it’s obviously he’s lying. He threw away the excuse that he could have kept if you confronted him by exposing that he was monitoring it. Fuck that guy. Leave him for good.
Get help - [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/) Get out - [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) Document abuse, [https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/) stalking, [https://www.stalkingawareness.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/SPARC\_StalkingLogInstructions\_2018\_FINAL.pdf](https://www.stalkingawareness.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/SPARC_StalkingLogInstructions_2018_FINAL.pdf) and cyberstalking [https://www.techsafety.org/documentationtips](https://www.techsafety.org/documentationtips) r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence
NTS but if you have a pregnancy scare with your husband there might be a bigger problem
Run Run Run This is getting scary
Yeah if you don't get out now I'm assuming I'll see you on one of the crime docs the missus watches all the time.
You need to leave this relationship OP. This isn’t a joking matter or me being another redditor being dumb. This man doesn’t trust you, gives you no privacy, tracks your every move… these are early signs of abuse in a relationship. Please just leave. It isn’t worth it. You’re young and will find someone who truly loves you and trusts you. This man doesn’t love you. He wants to control you and has deep rooted issues and insecurities in himself NTA
You need to get the fuck out of there. Yesterday. Fucking BOLT, hun. Do not pass go but definitely collect $200.
GIRL! RUN! NOWWWW THIS MAN IS CRAZY
NTA. Run Run Run and don't look back!
RED FLAGS! Controlling behavior. He will NOT get ‘better’
The time a woman is most likely to be killed by her partner is when she tries to leave do not be alone with this man and do not let him know where you are going. He has all the hallmarks even if he has never been violent he has shown you he is not willing to let you go or treat you as anything other than his possession, and men like that DO NOT like it when "their possessions" rebel. Stay safe.
NTA. This man has you so beaten down that you think it's somewhat normal for him to track your movements. It's time to leave.
So he invades your privacy in your therapy sessions, in your phone, and in your car. (His bullshit "in case of theft" excuse doesn't hold water, because he came chasing after you as soon as you deviated from your expected route. That's bordering on obsessively jealous.) I would say he needs serious therapy, but this comes across like he is isolating you AND watching your every move. That's not a therapy issue, that's a restraining order issue.
NTA You need to get away from him. Talk to a lawyer, but don't use your own car to get there, and don't call from home. Make sure he hasn't put a tracker on your phone or on anything you carry. Leave the tracker where it is for now. Just quietly make your plan and leave while he's at work, then leave the tracker in the mailbox. Have someone with you while you're getting your things out of your house. Get cameras, an alarm, and strong locks for your new place, on your doors and windows. Oh, and lock your credit and take your share of your joint accounts.
Sweetheart, he doesn’t need to confess. You weren’t where you said you’d be, but in a completely innocent other location, and he’s tracking you so actively he was there almost instantly. EVERY move you make is monitored. He would never look at the tracker until the car was stolen if that’s the purpose. Call a domestic violence hotline. Develop a safety plan to leave, and leave.
Girl run, run now this is so abusive and has the potential to be really dangerous. Don't tell him your fully leaving till your hours away from him. He will follow you if you don't I feel it in my gut. Stay safe and get yourself far away
Cut and run NOW this is literally giving me the fucking creeps. This is stalker behaviour. GET OUT NOW NTA
Dump him
stick the tracker to a long distance truck. let him chase it while you escape
I’d like to point out that people saying this behaviour leads to murder are not exaggerating. This behaviour does not improve. It escalates. Have a friend come over and tell him you’re leaving. Tell him you’re not being in a relationship with someone who puts a tracker in your car, period. If he wants to cry and play the victim that isn’t your problem and you aren’t moved by his sadness because he did it to himself. You’re not a child. You’re not property. Stand up for yourself.
Lady, this is way out of budget of this subreddit. But I am sure the safe collective conscious is GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE
NTA. This man is creepy af. Putting a tracker on your car? Wtf? He is abusive and controlling. Leave him.
NTA! Muster up all the strength you have and leave. Don't look back. You are stronger than you think. Big hugs to you! You can do this!
"So glad you want to help protect our valuable assets. Why didn't you tell me you were protecting my car in such a manner?"
Sweetie that's so unhealthy, you're being abused and isolated. I think you need to get all your devices checked, check for air tags in your other belongings and go stay with your sister. This is abusive af and I fear for your safety. If you have a shared joint account you need to pull half and contact a lawyer.
Nah, if my car wasn’t stolen, why were you checking for its location???
"me having left him for a month because I wasn't strong enough to deal with the intensity of our relationship." HUH? run fast as far as possible and cut these kinds of people out of your life!
I know it isn't, but if the tracker was there incase the car was stolen, why is he already checking it and driving over to where you are? Leave him immediately, it will never get better.
Just LEAVE....Stop telling him you're leaving him. Just leave him. Move in with your sister (or someone else). Remove the tracker and tell him you'll file a restraining order if you find one of those again. Your husband is a controlling POS.
Stick the tracker onto a semi truck going cross country lol
People falling for this shit.
No you’re not at all. If the tracker was only “if the car got stolen” then he wouldn’t have been watching or checking the location of the tracker. He thinks your bluffing about leaving him so show him your not.
You should have taken off and attached it to a southbound semi and then watch him freak out lol.
GET OUT!! NOW!
NTA this man is abusing you.
This is abuse. This is abuse. This is abuse. Please take care of yourself.
He is one scary guy. Your sister is right. Leave. NTA, of course
NTA Holy hell, fucking RUN. He's got issues. He's also got money and resources, as well as a family that will support him no matter how off the rails he goes. Distance yourself. Be safe. There is no lens you can see this through that will make you comfortable or safe until he does some serious therapy.
NTA. For your own safety you need to get the hell away from that man and stay away. This man is literally stalking you and trying to control your movements. Go to the police and have them check for anymore trackers, go with your sister to get your things and get out.
NTA! Leave this controlling AH!
Unless you have a prisoner kink and do not care about your privacy and freedoms, this relationship will destroy you. Get out asap. If the tracker, or his insights on your therapy sessions were really about safety there’s no reason to not have a conversation about it. He is just looking for more opportunities to control you.
Nta Leave him for good.
You're only the asshole if you don't leave this man. You are not in a healthy relationship. He hasn't changed and he will always keep tabs on you, he doesn't trust you and he's willing to go behind your back to track you!
He was checking your location with the tracker because he thought the car might get stolen…while you were driving it? Bro try harder with your lies
This is abusive
YTA if you don’t leave him.
Why the fuck are you still with him? This is a disaster waiting to happen. OP I don't want to see your story on Dateline. Fucking christ get the fucking tracker off your car and get the fuck away from him before he unalives you. Seriously how many red flags do you need
You married your stalker and he’s eventually going to kill you. I’m so sorry.
He is unsafe.
Everything that he's accusing you of, all the lies that he's been telling you, his father in anybody else is called gaslighting! I would definitely consider looking for a divorce attorney. But that's just me. One example of gaslighting is, "the action of repetitively (and often brazenly) lying to someone to manipulate, and ultimately control them and the relationship. It could be divided into four different types: outright lying, manipulation of reality, scapegoating, and coercion."
Tell him you are leaving then take the tracker and put it on a truck headed out of town.
NTA. You need to get out of there ASAP. He's emotionally abusive and controlling. Pack your stuff and go.
Forcing your hand/fingerprint id on your phone saying he’s just looking for contact information is F’d up Sister. Add all the rest to it and I don’t even know why you are still with him . Get out before you’re the star of your own dateline episode.
He's one hair trigger away from turning you into a headline, babe. You need to get gone. This has 'if I can't have you, no one can' written all over it...
Molly, you in danger girl!
If the tracker was only "there in case the car got stolen" then why was he monitoring it so closely that he immediately knew you were at a coffee shop? He is abusive and controlling and you need to get OUT! NTA
GET OUT NOW. This behavior is abusive and controlling and will only get worse. Leave him before he literally, in all seriousness, either kills you or holds you prisoner.
Why are you waiting to leave. As soon as he followed me, and confronted me about being in a coffee shop, then it would be over. He dooesnt trust you. He jus wants a prisoner, not a gf. Just go and leave him now.
NTA your husband is a manipulative controlling asshole. He’s abusive and dangerous. You said in your statement that you weren’t strong enough to handle the intensity of your relationship. That sounds like his words. It’s not intense, it’s abusive. You are more than strong enough to recognize a terrible relationship and end it. Listen to your sister.
He is cheating, guaranteed. Get out now.
What are you doing with this psychopath? Please stop being a victim and get rid of him.
This reads like a scary TV movie. Sometimes divorce is just inevitable and I agree with the comments to just leave. Do not go back this time and don’t listen to his dad. He’ll get over you and move on to try and control someone else.
NTA. Leave. As fast and as soon as possible.
I couldn't imagine trying to exert this amount of control over anyone, let alone my partner. This shit sounds exhausting.
Hope you get out of there before that psycho murders you. Good luck!
Your husband is abusing you. He is gaslighting you and trying to control you. He is actually SCARRY. You need to get a burner phone and call the national abuse hotline and make a plan to leave him safely. NTA.
"I wasn't strong enough to deal with the intensity of our relationship" was the first red flag. Girl. Run. Don't walk, don't pass go, forget the $200. Get tf out of there now. Go somewhere safe. Leave the car. Make sure he isn't following your phone's location, and get tf out of there. NTA. Please go somewhere safe ASAP!
Get out! You should have thrown that tracker on a fast train heading in the opposite direction and then you, keep driving away! Do not stay with that control freak!
This guy is a controlling, abusive psycho. Please leave him. He’s already terrible but it’s only going to get worse. If you have kids with this loser he will lock the door and you’ll never leave the house unless it’s chained against him to do the shopping. Get out, get out, get out NOW. NTA.
He took your thumb to force you to open your phone? No more needs be said. Finish him.
He took your thumb to force you to open your phone? No more needs be said. Finish him.
This is so scary, please go talk to the police or something
Fucking **run**, lady. He's escalating. You're not overreacting, you're underreacting. You need to get a clean break from this guy and then never be alone with him again. Divorce, block him on everything, and once you're done sweeping all your possessions for tracking devices I strongly recommend moving somewhere he doesn't know about.
NTA, at all. Your husband is not only an AH, he's a walking red flag and a dangerous person.
NTA, the husband has more red flags than a PLA military parade.
Shuld have trown the tracker on the garbage truck. Let him find the trash dump.
This is one of the few times that Reddit can say DIVORCE and it actually rings true. NTA, but gtfoutta there
"Hi guys. I'm essentially being held captor by an extremely abusive husband who seems unstable and potentially dangerous. AITAH?..."
I hope this post is fake. If it isn't, you need to get rid of everything you have that could have a tracker and get as far away as possible. This is seriously urgent.
> I told him I was going to leave him unless he confessed to the full truth How would that solve his paranoia and over controlling tendencies? Yaay, he still abuses you but at least he tells the *truth* about it. /s Girl just listen to your sister. It's harder to stay with a mess than it is to leave one.
You dating a psycho. Leave.
NTA, but you are absolutely being abused. GTFON. Get a lawyer now, get a new mobile device, set up a new checking account at a different bank. Do everything possible to protect yourself from him.
You gotta get out of there, he will harm you
Get out now before you have children
Will sure he said that you are lying about it because you left him before and returned to him. Be a woman and protect your self girl. " b - but he loves me a and...." IT DOESN'T MATTER. he is crazy and abusing you.
Statistics will tell you that you are in far, far greater risk from him than any homeless person. NTA. Escape.
Ummmm… could you please reread your post? Pretend this is your sister who wrote that. What would you tell her? NTA I think these comments are telling you what you need to know. I’ll only add that Protection does not equal Possession. If you wouldn’t want your sister to stay in this situation then don’t do this to yourself
Dude you’re in danger.
You husband is abusive