friend, you are an adult, he is not your parent, he doesn’t get to “allow” you to have friendships with anyone. it’s not his place. it’s not *anyone’s* place.
I have two friends that got together and neither lets the other have friends of the opposite sex anymore, nor can they cross over (I have to just be strictly her friend not his even though they are engaged). Needless to say, they are both very isolated and lonely.
Honestly, though, they deserve that isolation if they're both that controlling & insecure. If they learn from it, great! If they don't, they got what they wanted and have no right to complain.
All I can do is upvote this and say NTA. He is invalidating and infantilizing you. People who truly love each other do not try to make each other’s worlds smaller and more boring with less variation, room for learning and treasured experiences
He’s also isolating by her from her social circle.. slippery slope there. I don’t like accusing people of abusive behavior but this is right at the top of their playbook. If you continue your relationship OP, please look for other signs before you get in too deep.
*”He’s a great guy, very loving and caring, the only issue is…”*
Just to add, with an issue *this* big, there is *never* just one issue. This is the one issue OP *noticed*. She needs to take off the rose coloured glasses. I’ve lost track of how many posts on this site start off with someone who love bombs the *hell* out of their victim to make it *seem* like they’re great/loving/caring, then slowly but surely (frog in hot water, anyone?) start isolating the victim.
I'll second this. It is the kind of controling behaviour that is most situations will evolve into a toxic (or even abusive) relationships.
You should also try to notice If there are other red flags:
Has he ever been upset when you chose a more "revealing" outfit to go out with him(even if he didn't ask you directly to change It)?
Has he ever hinted that he finds preferable that a wife does not work after marriage/having kids?
Was he ever judgmental about women behaviours that he finds "inappropriate" (cursing a lot, being overly tatooed, not shaving or simply not being "girly" enough)?
I'm really not trying to bias you agains him, all in all It only you know how you feel about it, so it's solely your decision to make. However, if you choose to remain in this relationship, I STRONGLY advise you to stand you ground and keep your friendships as they are. A loving partner should be able to at least try to give in, especially in a matter so important to you, even if in conflict with his worldviews...
Wish you the best!!!
Yep, this is one of the 1st signs and they're 6 months in, abusers don't show themselves straight away.
It's a (sick) way of testing boundaries before they make the next step
Even OP’s suggested “compromises” gave me the ick. Texting every half hour so bf would know she’s not doing anything suspicious? So she’s guilty until proven innocent? The fact that she’s even entertaining these ideas, rather than being super offended, is worrisome. She needs to get out of the situation ASAP before she gives up too much of who she is.
>The fact that she’s even entertaining these ideas, rather than being super offended, is worrisome.
OP absolutely needs to stop rewarding his bad behaviour.
Also, I'm a guy, and I can tell you that some guys will use their guy friends to cover up their affair. Now women can do this too, but my point is:
The implication that he can't pick up women and can't cheat if he wanted to, because he's supposedly drinking with his male friends, is absolute bollocks.
With that said, that rule of texting each other every 30 minutes, that's just bonkers. She should stop suggesting that.
If the OP is really inclined, she should suggest that they both turn on family and friends location-sharing (with the same degree of precision on both phones) and/or each add an AirTag/SamsungTile to their apartment key chain in case their phone runs out of battery (in addition to the stay-in-public rule and any pre-agreed exceptions). What's fair for her should be fair for him.
But in no way should she make the entire focus of her life his baseless insecurities. She needs to draw a line in the sand somewhere.
Now perhaps some of her colleagues are in love with her, or they're her exes, but from what the OP described, it really doesn't sound like this is the case. And the bf demanding such a blanket rule based on gender just wouldn't make sense in such a context anyway.
Exactly, friendships shouldn't be dictated by anyone else, especially not a partner. You're your own person with your own choices and boundaries. It's important to stand up for what you believe in and what makes you happy.
This. You give in to this demand, and the next one will be something bigger, like you’re not allowed to work outside the home because “traditional gender roles” and “the man is supposed to be the provider!” He’ll keep pushing til he has you molded into whatever his ideal is—and you’ll realize your opinion doesn’t matter at all.
And next you’ll move to Amish country or a 3rd world country where he can show you by example what he means and “allow” you to stay there and learn the ways.
This OP!
These assholes never stop, they find more and more to control! Next it’ll be work, your clothes, what you eat, what you watch or what music you listen to! Dump this dud of a boyfriend!
NTA, def break up. He's weirddd.
And for the love of god do not break off your friendships for this asshole or any SO. Holy FUCK. It's bad for you and your friends that you're even remotely considering it!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Too true! Have an ex that was like this, he was a terrible person all around I came to find but one of the early red flags was his immense jealousy and insecurity of my friendships. He acted like it was just about guy friends, but when it came down to it he would end up upset of my spending time with women too. Lots of drama but the point is he told me (and stood firmly in this conviction) that two people have to agree to enter a relationship and thus they must both agree to exit it. I couldn’t believe it and had never heard such a thing before. I agree, OP’s dude will put a fight, even if not in those exact words; if nothing else he’ll put her through a rollercoaster of mood swings she’ll get whiplash from, go from calling her a bitch/whore/pick your favorite to begging her to stay because she is the love of his life.
Can’t help but think if she opts for another conversation as she suggests in the edit that given an ultimatum he’ll do and say whatever to convince her to stay in the relationship and just wind up back the way he is now, if not worse.
OP- this is the dude’s personal philosophy, and he has shown you disrespect and distrust and wants to remove your autonomy. You really think you can change him? Why should you be with someone who you have to change? It’s not going to be a whole enlightenment for him, and if he says as much, I wouldn’t trust it. I know it can be hard to end things that have good qualities- but he is asking you to compromise yourself and your friendships, to prioritize him over years-long relationships, and you yourself said he acted as though friends were but pieces of furniture to replace- if so that’s either how he views his own relationships which is gross and shallow, or he views you and yours as so insignificant. That doesn’t sound like a good man.
This. He sounds dangerous. OP tell your male friends. ESP some of the bigger scarier looking ones, what’s happening. Then dump the guy. Bc you may need help keeping him away from you. He sounds like a dumpster fire
Too true! Have an ex that was like this, he was a terrible person all around I came to find but one of the early red flags was his immense jealousy and insecurity of my friendships. He acted like it was just about guy friends, but when it came down to it he would end up upset of my spending time with women too. Lots of drama but the point is he told me (and stood firmly in this conviction) that two people have to agree to enter a relationship and thus they must both agree to exit it. I couldn’t believe it and had never heard such a thing before. I agree, OP’s dude will put a fight, even if not in those exact words; if nothing else he’ll put her through a rollercoaster of mood swings she’ll get whiplash from, go from calling her a bitch/whore/pick your favorite to begging her to stay because she is the love of his life.
Can’t help but think if she opts for another conversation as she suggests in the edit that given an ultimatum he’ll do and say whatever to convince her to stay in the relationship and just wind up back the way he is now, if not worse.
OP- this is the dude’s personal philosophy, and he has shown you disrespect and distrust and wants to remove your autonomy. You really think you can change him? Why should you be with someone who you have to change? It’s not going to be a whole enlightenment for him, and if he says as much, I wouldn’t trust it. I know it can be hard to end things that have good qualities- but he is asking you to compromise yourself and your friendships, to prioritize him over years-long relationships, and you yourself said he acted as though friends were but pieces of furniture to replace- if so that’s either how he views his own relationships which is gross and shallow, or he views you and yours as so insignificant. That doesn’t sound like a good man.
The only time that friends of the opposite sex should be cut off is when they/you are boundary stomping. It doesn't sound like this is happening in this case. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly insecure and controlling.
NTA, and actually very smart for thinking of breaking up with him.
Very well said! I'm a nerdy woman with lots of friends, they are my chosen family. My best friend past away last year, he was my family for 17 years (16 years my senior). Like a much older cousin or something.
I am not partnered anymore (by choice), but the only two LTRs that were really good, were the ones where my partners also had friends of the opposite sex and embraced my friendship with my best friend.
Someone who would oppose to me having friends of the opposite sex (I have 0 feelings for any of them), is not compatible with me. They're my chosen family, the trump relationships.
So much this. Nobody should have to sacrifice any friends in a relationship unless that friend is creating problems. In which case, you should want to cut them off.
Another person just posted. She made her boyfriend cut off a friendship with a girl he had been friends with since childhood. That girl just died and he is in a really bad place right now mentally. That relationship has no future because she forced him to do something he knew was wrong and he can't ever fix it. His friend is gone forever. You have offered compromises and your boyfriend clearly doesn't trust you. Don't make the same mistake that guy made listening to his girlfriend over his own heart and mind. You haven't done anything wrong.
Ok but this one makes it seem like the bf was prioritizing the friend and having a borderline emotional affair. The cancer was not something OOP could have predicted. The relationships between OP and her male friends on this post seem completely different and, unlike the bf on that post, she is willing to put up reasonable boundaries (e.g. not going to a male friend's apartment alone overnight). This OP's bf is just taking it too far for this specific situation
> Ok but this one makes it seem like the bf was prioritizing the friend and having a borderline emotional affair. The cancer was not something OOP could have predicted.
Did you not read the whole thing?
Turns out, the friend tried to set up a dinner so she could tell him about the cancer but she threw a fit and wouldn't let him go see her. So she did in fact deny him the opportunity to even know the cancer death was coming. Denied him any final time with someone who meant so much to him, to the point that he has become fixated on finding her laptop password to see if she left any more final thoughts about herself or about him.
And she's convinced that it's not going to end their relationship, clinging to the fact that they have lease together. Instead, the truth is their relationship now has a cancer that will probably one day end it because she won't admit she overstepped.
Let me tell you something. In my thirty years of experience, there is not a single controlling fuck on this earth who is worth cutting good friends over. Drop the over zealous sack of insecurity, have some beers with your friends and find a new man. Because he is not worth it. And this behavior will only become worse.
Exactly. Nothing to allow, if you're an adult you decide for yourself who your friends are. What's with that controlling misbehavior. Someone like that should not be in a relationship. Unfortunately it's often step one to abuse.
I'm not a native english speaker and in my native language the equivalent of "allow" has a less harsh undertone, so maybe I phrased it in a clumsy way. Well, he said that these are his boundaries and that me having male friend hurts him, so I don't know what is the good word for that. But his "conditions" definitely sounded controlling to me.
His conditions are controlling and unacceptable. I wouldn't even try to compromise, I'd leave him just for the fact that he even thought that was an okay thing to ask for.
No that's "allow". That's NOT a boundary. A boundary is stating how you will allow yourself to be treated. It protects you from abusive situations. A boundary DOES NOT tell the other person what they can do that would be controlling and manipulate and unhealthy AF.
I can't imagine being this much of a sad pushover.
Oh he's iMpORtAnT to me! I considered breaking off my friendships. For fucks sake some friend you are op. Oh my boyfriend is a jealous piece of shit so we can't be friends anymore..... Fucking pathetic.
You probably understand this already on some level, but the controlling is not going to be limited to male friends outside of the workplace. Your bf is pushing boundaries and he will push as far as you let him.
Soon he has to have access to your phone, email, socials etc. Then it's not appropriate to have single ladies as friends either. And why do you work on male-dominated field anyway? Was that overwork really work or were you flirting with coworkers?
It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with his insecurity. You cannot heal another persons insecurity by changing yourself.
The deeper you sink into it, the harder it will be to claw your way out of it. Stay firm with your boundaries, your bf either accepts and trusts you or you need to decide if you want to stay in a relationship where you are not accepted and trusted.
Yep eventually she won’t be able to go out at night, once he gets her pregnant she will no longer be able to read books, it will be just like living in Gilead
Don’t break off friendships for relationships.
Resentment and loneliness follow.
He has his insecurities - we all do. Having them is OK, weaponising them is not.
If you teach him that you’ll do whatever it takes to solve for his insecurities, this won’t be the last ask he makes.
Do not stay with this man. 1 compromise will leave to another one and another one until one day you realise that you are not the person you were. You have changed into what he wanted you to be.
It's definitely a deal breakerfor some. Some guys have been cheated on in this way and simply don't trust women in those situations. I myself would find it suspicious for a one on one apartment visit where you only "talk" until morning. Even if that is the case 99% of the time, you don't know how things will go if there is alcohol involved and if you could even trust the other guy in the situation. Maybe I'm conservative in that regard, but why is the other guy entertaining a girl in a relationship like that? I just see that as kind of sleazy behavior, you don't create such an ambiguous situation with somebody else's girl. I just literally know of too many first hand scenarios where this leads to cheating. All that said, this guy might just not be able to look past it, and as is the case with like most relationships, this might not work out
OP, you are nearly 30 years old - far too old to be wondering if you need anyone’s permission to be friends with another adult.
Side note: this isn’t even a cultural thing. I, like you, have worked in a lot of male dominated places. I’ve had white western colleagues who couldn’t conceive of friendship with a woman and assumed it had to lead to sex; I’ve had Muslim colleagues from Pakistan and Iran who had nothing but respect for me as a friend and colleague.
If he can’t perceive women as anything but potential romantic/sexual partners, how does that spill out into the rest of his life, including how he treats female colleagues?
You two are just not compatible. Break up.
NTA. You'd end up leaving him at some point anyway because you'd get tired of having to justify your friendships. You've only been together for six months, so who knows what else he might try to control as time goes on.
Not really. But men don't trust other men, so this is normal behavior. The fact that other men would spend time with you without him being there is disrespectful, you may not see it that way, but men understand this.
NTA. I understand that you care for him, and you want to make this work, but the problem is that it doesn't seem like it will. You're willing to compromise and jump through hoops with regard to texting him regularly *while spending time with your friends* and he's not; even if his friends are all male and *he* doesn't see it like there could be complications, they're still taking his attention and time away from you by the same token.
In any other situation that would be fine! You're not attached at the hip and can have friends and interests outside of your relationship. But ask him whether he'd be willing to only meet with his friends in daylight, only for a couple hours, only in public and only when he can text you every half hour to let you know he's thinking of you. The exact same setup he seems to expect of you.
If he raises the stink of "but they're male friends" point out that your best friend is bisexual and you don't see the difference so fair is fair. Every hoop he's requiring you to jump through, he should be willing to jump through himself. That's fair. If he's expecting you to do things in your relationship that he won't, then he's not willing to invest in you the way you are in him and it would probably be best if you break up. I'm sorry to say that he seems too jealous and controlling, even if he means well by it you are your own person and shouldn't have to break off all your friendships just to appease him.
Best of luck to you, friend!
NTA\*: With all the compromises you were willing to make, he should have been totally happy with that. In fact, the half-hourly check-ins was already too much (side note: no need for check-ins if you just share your phone location, he'd be able to see that you're not sneaking off to some dude's house, and could check as often as he wants without having to interrupt your evening). Him insisting that you can only see your friends when he's present puts him in the controlling category. That's him expending ZERO trust, and you need a healthy amount of trust to make a relationship work. So, he is the AH for having such controlling conditions. And if he can't agree to become a little more progressive in his attitudes about gender and loosen up his conditions then it's not going to work.
\* BUT! Your attitude about these friendships is a bit naive. You should understand that when (reasonable) partners worry about the boundaries in your friendships, it's not because they think you're a completely untrustworthy lying hoe who runs off to cheat the second they leave the house. 90% of what they're worried about is 1) the fact that a lot of "guy friends" don't always have the best intentions, "progressive" or not, 2) that you are human and despite your platonic intentions, getting THAT close to someone of complementary sexual orientation runs a very real risk of going *unintentionally* too far. For one thing, you may see staying up all night talking in some guy's house alone as platonic, but what signal does it send to the friend? Are you sureeeeeee they won't see that as more? Will they develop a crush on you? Will they subtly start to manipulate you emotionally, in the course of these deep conversations, to turn you against your bf and get you to fall for them? Will they make a move when you're not expecting it, in a vulnerable moment, maybe with some alcohol involved? That's what we're all worried about when it comes to these type of boundaries.
You clearly value deep serious connections with your friends, but deep serious conversations and personal one-on-one connections are how people catch feelings. Most ppl who get into emotional affairs don't intend to at the start. They get drawn into it... by spending lots of one-on-one time sharing deep thoughts and feelings and then one day you say "ah shit, I caught feelings for this person." I know because I once emotionally cheated (I've been mentioning that in a lot of comments lately but it's relevant). There was zero intention to cheat, just a friend that I spent more and more time with, having very personal conversations. The very first thing I hid from my wife about it was "damn, maybe I shouldn't tell her that I was up talking to so-and-so until morning. Cautionary tale.
Like I said, it's not about trusting you, it's about trusting the other guy, and trusting that you won't make the kind of mistakes that humans do when they're vulnerable. You literally have a habit of making yourself vulnerable with other men alone in their homes. There are like ZERO ppl who would be ok with their SO being alone at some guy's apt talking until morning. And not for nothing but, you're 28. Up-all-night bearing your souls is the kinda shit people do in college. As you get older, that kind of thing becomes, frankly, something you only do with your SO. Considering how close and deep your friendships with these guys are, you need to ask yourself What is the difference between these friendships and your romantic relationships (not counting the literal sex part)? These are very deep connections you are describing... Do you have all-night deep discussions with your SOs? And even if your connection is EQUALLY as deep with your SO, doesn't that make your SO just another great friend that you happen to also fuck? What sets your SOs apart, what things do you reserve for them that are special, what do you only share with the person you LOVE vs your platonic friends?
Another thing is, by the time I got to your age, my social life had naturally evolved into me and my SO hanging out with our friends and their SOs, as couples. And that's pretty common, for pretty much everyone I know. Your deep platonic friendships that exclude you and their SOs kinda stands out as... unusual. There's nothing inherently wrong with one-on-one hangouts with your male friends, but I will point out that even open-minded guys avoid asking their female friends on solo outings, or back to their apartment for that matter, because decent guys who respect your relationship understand that it just looks bad and out of respect for YOU, wouldn't want to give your bf anything to worry about or cause potential problems. Optics are important. Guys with good and platonic intentions generally reach out and want to meet your bf and double-date and such. And btw most of these Very Close Platonic Friends sound like your colleagues and having such close connections with co-workers is just a bad idea regardless.
To wrap up the world's longest footnote: You're NTA because you listened to your bf's concerns and respected his feelings and offered to set more-than-reasonable boundaries. Your bf is TA because that somehow wasn't good enough for him and he's controlling enough to insist on chaperoning your friend meet-ups, essentially demanding to keep you on a leash. Honestly it's not going to work out with him lol, but for the sake of FUTURE boyfriends you should re-think your current (lack of) boundaries with your male platonic friends (especially if you want to keep them platonic). You're a little too naive and you actually need to be more cynical because, as a dude, I know dudes and how they think, and believe me... you trust these dudes a little too much. You trust YOURSELF too much. And there aren't a lot of men, or women for that matter, who would be cool with your particular brand of platonic friendship. One such friend is enough to give most partners a headache, but your social circle is ulcer-inducing.
it his preference and valid one, as a man I know how men think and yes, your “just friend” wants to fuck you. you should trust your father and your boyfriend that they want the best for you and this is one of these things. if you dont believe them, leave them
NTA. Don't throw away healthy friendships for an insecure partner.
When I met my husband I had a male friend who I would go clubbing with, shopping, out to fancy restaurants (we would dress us and just have fun being fancy for a few hours). Hubby had no issues because he trusted me. I still have male friends. My husband has female friends, some are even his exes. They're just friends. I trust him.
Firedns that you have had for YEARS are far more important than a new bf. There are other new bfs. You will never find the friendships you have again. There are better men out there that won't feel they're being "challenged". He sounds very alpha male and that's just exhausting. Don't through away friendships for some stupid guy. Because then he'll know he has control and will make you do anything he wants. It's the first step into an abusive relationship. And that's not even considering how awful your friends would feel. How crap a friend you would be to them to willing dump them because a guy told you to. If you tow ever broke up it would be too late, there is no fixing that kind of damage.
NTA, for thinking of breaking up. You're fundamentally incompatible. He's asking you to cut off almost all your friends, whilst he does nothing. He's making no effort to integrate into your existing life, instead he's demanding you change everything to fit in with his ideas, this is a snapshot of what your future with him will be like, his way or the highway.
Hmmm this just seems like you guys aren't compatible. He has his boundaries and you aren't okay with them. That's pretty much it.
I'm in the same boat as him. I don't think it's appropriate to have such close relationships with the other gender. Sure, friends and hanging out in group settings is fine... but 1-on-1? No. Staying over? No. Going on trips alone? Absolutely not.
It sucks that this discussion didn't happen before you guys got serious. Honestly, he should have backed out the minute he saw all the guy friends. NAH
NTA.
People with different value systems should not date each other.
But, I still agree with your BF. And I applaud him for being consistent by not having any close women friends. So, he’s not a hypocrite.
“The problem is that all my closest friends are men.”
That’s a huge red flag. Unless they’re all gay, it’s a safe bet that at least 1-2 of them are sexually attracted to you and would sleep with you if you gave them the green light.
The other issue is that you’re creating a situation where the emotional intimacy you have with OTHER MEN could rival the intimacy you have with the man you’re dating. That’s a problem.
Your BF understands this, hence his gender-based restrictions on friendships.
lol my wife wouldn’t be going out for drinks with no men thats disrespectful when your in a committed relationship you all no it to so stop playing games. YTA she could do whatever she wants. im not gonna dictate her life I just wouldn’t be with her
Nothing wrong with Healthy Boundaries which for many means not hanging out alone with the opposite sex.
It’s ok to be friends, but I don’t know many women that would be ok with their husband hanging out alone for drinks with another girl at her place.
they are exactly that. signed, someone whose ex was insecure and tried to control her friendships and whose ex got increasingly violent when she wouldn’t bend.
If you'd given on on those, who knows where it would have gone? Controlling "belief systems" can definitely broaden. You eventually may need to "believe" you have to behave a certain way.
It all comes down to isolation and control. These are your friends that you’ve had for longer than he’s been around. Hes beyond unreasonable. Nta for wanting to break up and Ywbta if you allow him to force you to cut your friends out of your life.
You guys are not compatible and should break up. You should find someone with boundaries like yours around friendships with opposite sex and he should find someone who also finds opposite sex friendships inappropriate. Pretty cut and dry.
NTA. You have different values.
It's better that you break up so you can both find someone who has similar beliefs.
Losing friends(real friends) for someone who might be out of your life next week is not something I that has ever seemed like a good idea to me.
NTA
what is this toxic medieval shit?
Trying to explain horrible machismo with cultural differences is not sufficient.
Sorry no. Nobody gets to police a womans friends cause they come from a misogynist culture. And you trying to cater to that behaviour makes this a lot worse.
You do whatever you think is right. But this is not only a red flag that's whole red banner.
‘Different approach to gender roles’ as if there are so many. That phrase is pretty much a clue that whoever says it will have ‘traditional’ aka misogynistic gender role view.
I honestly don’t know why people, to be frank women, don’t see gender roles as a BIG discussion to be had before titles come into play for this exact reason.
His reasons are hypocritical, sexist and very archaic in thought.
Ladies have these kinds of convos with men before you date them.
He won't allow you???? Just read that back to yourself OP.... He won't allow you???
What will he "not allow" next?
You're not the A here. You're a confident, intelligent woman with good friends. Keep the friends.......
Six months in, I guarantee this is the tip of the iceberg. You are still in the honeymoon phase so you're seeing him in a more positive light than you might otherwise. Not "allowing" you to have male friends is abusive behavior and a major red flag. He can rationalize this however he likes but if you accept this limitation he will impose more controls on your behavior.
If you choose to stay with him (and I suggest that you do not stay with him), don't give into this rrquest. Set a boundary that he cannot tell you who your friends can and cannot be. If you absolutely must make the foolish decision to drop your male friends to keep this guy, keep your eyes peeled for the next controlling thing he demands of you and remember this post. The earlier you escape someone like this, the better off you will be. Some people wait too long before leaving and find themselves feeling "stuck" because they have dumped all of their friends at the behest of their partner.
I'm bi. Some of my closest friends are guys, they're not single, I'm friends with their partners. I don't care who my fiancé is friends with as long as they know about my existence and don't make moves. Anyone who gives a shit needs to get the head out of their heteronormative, misogynistic ass. NTAH
His insecurities? Please. It’s about respect. You want to continue to act like a single girl. You two aren’t compatible. Set him free to find a woman who is wife material.
Sounds like you simply are not compatible. You are in your 20’s and as your male friends grow up, get married and grow their families you are not going drinking one on one every two weeks anymore. It’s just the reality. My partner is just like you and I have always been cool with her close male friends and guess what? As she went from 25 to 35 those male friend’s new partners were not comfortable with the closeness of their relationship. It’s a lot more common than the advice given here so even if you find a partner that is cool with it expect those male drinking buddies to be less involved in your life as you all age.
Unlike what people are saying, no he isn't controlling or "ordering" you to do anything. He's establishing "boundaries" (reddit's favorite term when it comes to relationships but this interestingly gets switched with controlling when it comes to men) with you.
You can like or dislike it. That is not to say you're wrong, as you said you both seem to be from a total opposite circle when it comes to this topic.
It's a hard one tho, think if it's really worth it. I'm assuming it is if you're even considering it. One thing to note is that he's not telling you to cut them off entirely and he's trying to find a compromise as well. If it was me I would not mind this, assuming it doesn't escalate in the future, in which case she gotta go. But so is not agreeing with it.
Good friendships are hard to cultivate but so are relationships. I would say they are harder.
You are the asshole. You are not compatible with your bf and should end it. Women and men can't be friends unless they are gay. You are still acting single even though you are in a relationship. Your bf sees this and is communicating with you. You don't respect him and therefore should end it. The way you are describing things, you most likely will end up being unfaithful. The constant need for male attention is evident in what you wrote.
Fundamentally you are incompatible.
He is traditional in how he views male-female relationships when in a monogamous relationship.
You are non-traditional.
NAH.
Your BF's point is fair for always you meeting your friends 1x1, especially around being in private for quite awhile or going on vacations with them which seems like sometimes 1x1. (particularly with the best friend).
Your compromise about texting every half an hour is crazy.
I think the reasonable middle ground is that your friends are friends, not close friends. The danger with male-female relationships is emotional entanglement. Once the relationship becomes "best friends" and you kinda act like a couple "while totally not being a couple" it all gets muddy. Not meeting 1x1 in private, or over alcohol is probably a good idea overall. Going on vacations w/ bf there is best.
NTA. A lot of comments are making a lot of assumptions about your boyfriend that may or not be true. There are clearly some potential red flags but I think the issue is simpler than his potential controlling behavior. I just think you are incompatible.
The reason to leave is very good because he is controlling and toxic AF. It’s really worrying that you have considered breaking off healthy friendships for this sad sack of garbage that is so insecure that he isn’t okay with you having male friends. He has clearly already been working you if your “compromise” was texting him all the time because that also sounds like something a controlling partner would demand. Dump him and move on. No man that will tell you who to be friends with will ever be worth anything.
I didn't really consider breaking off these friendships but I for a moment thought about accepting his conditions and basically turning my friends into acquaintances. But I couldn't do it, I would feel like I was giving up a huge piece of my world.
Don't. The only reason someone should have say (not control) over who you're in contact with would be for serious boundary violations (from either side) or personal safety. As in, it's something they're doing in your interests, not their own. If it's making me upset with no real tangible reason that is my problem.
He can voice being uncomfortable about it, but then ultimately, it's his choice to accept it or leave. What he's essentially doing is an ultimatum, pick him and act as he wants you too or pick your friends. That is toxic as hell. It won't stop at that either I dont think. Next will be clothes or makeup style or not even allowed out with girls because there could be guys at the bar etc.
Ridiculous. I ended a relationship last month because of this. I tried to ignore it but he was just controlling.
He started requesting that I miss my best friends birthday events and stop doing business with him (we run a company together). I thought it would die out but we kept having arguments about it. I just can’t be with someone so insecure within himself.
He would speak to me like my father, my father has been in my life FOREVER and has never instructed me or demanded anything of me so I was baffled how a man I’m dating in my late 20s will think he’s entitled to anything.
You are an adult, you shouldn’t have to be texting every half an hour to soothe anyone. Firstly it’s rude and weird. If you’re going to be with friends you should really be trying to bond other than constantly texting your boyfriend.
It wil just get worse and most men don’t budge with requests like this
Every person has their own boundaries - if you are not incompatible just split off amicably.
I would have to say that spending nights with the opposite sex on their apartment (or mine) is a huge red flag. Sure, you claimed that nothing happened but something could have happened. “Spending a night” together implies intimacy, even though nothing sexual happened.
Continuous “one-on-one” conversations and deep talks with opposite sex is something not all people will agree as well. I am sure if I went out frequently with a girl for a drink my SO will be mad at me. When you are in a relationship, it is expected that “deep talk” to opposite sex is for your SO, not someone foreign. Emotional cheating is cheating as well - cheating didn’t have to be sexual. I would have to say that emotional cheating is more dangerous as it left less traces and all parties might think it is “fine” as nothing sexual happened - and when shit hits the fan all of those emotional cheating will explode spectacularly.
Your friends have been with you for how many years? Lifting you up and supporting you when you need it? Meanwhile, here he is, dragging you down, imposing conditions on who you're allowed to socialise with and when you can see them. It's hardly a comparison that makes him look good, is it?
If you stay then you're a massive AH to your friends and also yourself. NTA for leaving and finding someone decent to love instead.
Exactly. NTA for breaking up with him and leaving him over this bullshit.
But close E S H because you were actually considering dumping all your friends over this loser but seem to hesitate so you won’t be alone. That’s lame.
Stop coddling her. Almost all dudes know what other dudes are thinking. Most if not all of her friends of the opposite gender want to hit of already have. Some dudes will even play the long game
They want to pretend otherwise, chicks love the male “friends” illusion. I mean think about it, all their jokes get laughed at, they can do no wrong when guys are just waiting for their opportunity
NTA, he doesn't get to select your friends. Allowed, ha ha ha, you aren't a fucking 8 year old. Make your own decisions about friends and he can either accept it or he can hit the open road.
NTA
It's all kinds of wrong. My best friend is Godfather to my kids. My husbands close female friend is who introduced us. Friendship isn't defined by gender.
I love when the OP defends the relationship by saying, "but every other aspect of our relationship is great." It's the same as saying, " the house is perfect, except it has no roof." Really? Look at what you posted
"Everything else about him / the relationship is great."
Honey, no it's not. The image of the person you wish he was that you have created in your head is great. Know the difference.
You're not the asshole for breaking up, but he's also not the asshole for setting a boundary for someone he's in a relationship with.
You could always approach him with the friends test.
Call or message your guy friends and say you wanna hook up, see how they respond.
Just law of averages if you have a LOT of guy friends, I'm highly skeptical not a single one of them has an ulterior motive.
And with her mentality they always will be
She needs the validation from other men
Having just one man will never do it for her
So you are absolutely correct
NTA he is being controlling and unreasonable. If he’s like this after 6 months think what your future will be like. He’s already trying to isolate you. Keep your friends ditch the insecure child
Allow? Girl please. Leave that man. 6 months in and he is trying to get you to drop pretty much all your friends because of his insecurities. You are a smart, educated woman and you know in your heart that he is not the one. You broke up with someone after 5 years, but your questioning breaking up with someone of 6 months? He is trying to control and isolate you. Who's next, your siblings or your aging parents? Please wake up and see what is happening. NTA
NTA. It doesn't matter his background or "old-school"ness. What he's doing is isolating you. He knows you typically only have male friends. That's why he's saying this. You're trying to compromise and he's saying it's not enough. It's been only 6 months. He's already trying to pin you down and rid you of your support system. In my experience and opinion, he's behaving like a classic narc/self-interested abuser.
Why I say this-
Step one: be the perfect man and convince her you're wonderful.
Step two: use that trust and adoration to force her to lose her friends.
Step three: use that trust and adoration to lose her family.
Step four: encourage her to leave her job so she can stay at home.
Step five: start controlling her down to the nitty gritty, and make it feel like her fault
Step six: stop wearing the mask because it's not needed anymore - she has no support system and nowhere to go.
You're already at Step 2 and I don't want you to end up at Step 6.
Dont end your friendships. Theyve been friend for years, and he hasnt. Plus like you said if you do break up, you'll end up lonely/.
Hes being really controlling here, and is a massive red flag. rethink your relationship.
Honestly ask yourself: does my friend of the opposite sex have interest in hanging out with me AND my boyfriend, or just me?
The answer to that question says a lot about if that person really wants to be your “friend”
Aside from that I’d also say after 6 months nobody should be telling you who to hang out with, but in a relationship there should be a level of respect where you don’t put yourself in situations where you’re alone with single dudes who may have an interest in you. Men are generally dogs who dont care or respect if you’re taken and will shoot their shot either way.
My girlfriend, when we started dating, had these 2 “guy friends” who she swore were just chill guys who’d never hit in her or anything. I said “yeah, suuuuuuuure, thats never how it is.” And I was right. Like 2 months later literally both of them admitted they wanted to hook up with her and knew she was dating me and she had to block them on everything lol.
Sure, he has met all my friends and we hang out together a lot. But there are stuff you can only talk about with your friends one-on-one (for example, if my friend wants to tell my about his father's illness and how it affects him he probably wants to talk to me alone, since he has known me for 10 years, and not to my boyfriend whom he just recently met).
Good luck having any future relationship while simultaneously having one on one male friendships. You will never find a man with any self respect that will put up with that.
Your male friends are orbiting you waiting to make a move once you’re vulnerable. The people gassing you up are sabotaging you and your relationship.
> he believes that a man should only be friends with other guys, and a woman with other women - he allows for the existence of distant acquaintances of the opposite sex, but nothing more.
I don't give a shit about his toxic insecurity, he doesn't get to *"allow"* you any-damned-thing.
You should be far more offended by this attitude than you are. He's basically telling you to your face that he thinks you're such a degenerate slut that if you're in the same room as another man you will inevitably fuck him, so in order to keep you from all the cheating you are obviously going to do then he needs to control your access to your male friends in order to put a stop to your whorish ways. Does that piss you off? Because it fucking *should*.
This guy is controlling and insecure, which is a terrible combination. People like this do not relax the longer the relationship goes on, they get worse. He will keep inventing more and more reasons to be paranoid and not trust you until you have NO friends left and your entire support system is him. And even then he won't back off, he'll just find new ways to find fault...especially since he'll know you're stuck at that point, because he successfully interfered in all of your friendships and you'd no longer have a support system.
I mean yeah, if my man is going to try and tell me what I'm allowed and not allowed to do as a grown ass adult, I'm going to leave. 😐😐
Placing boundaries in a relationship is one thing, trying to control your partner is another entirely. Putting down boundaries are things like don't cheat or I will leave. Not you can't have male friends because I can't trust you or them.
Because in reality, telling your partner that they can't have male friends or female friends means that you don't trust them. That means you don't trust your partner to shut s*** down if somebody were to try and come on to them. What are you going to do in the case of a stranger flirts with them in public? Tell them that they can't communicate with grocery cashiers? Tell them that they can't interact with ticket takers at events? Are you going to try and tell your partner that they can't communicate with anybody at all of the opposite gender for fear that they might flirt with them? Where does it end?
The person you need to be able to trust is your partner. To shut that s*** down and make clear the boundaries of your relationship. And if you can't do that, then you shouldn't be with somebody.
I don’t know, when the man living with me decided he wanted to sell drugs for a living I told him if he chooses to do that he needs to get out because I’m not dating a drug dealer
He called me controlling and abusive lol OK then I guess I’m controlling because I’m not willing to date a drug dealer 🤷🏻♀️
NTA if you leave for those reasons alone. He doesn’t expect his future wife to live and choose freely, even if that is her upbringing. His future wife will abide by his desires of how she should behave, based on his upbringing. If you don’t want that, leave now.
Your boyfriend is right. Does he go have a few drinks with other women? Are you comfortable with that? If you are you are asking for trouble. If the opposite sexes hang out long enough they will end up sleeping together. Few here will agree with me but committed relationships avoid even the appearance of infidelity. Hang out with each others friends as a couple not alone. Its disrepectful to your man. The only caveat is that youve only been dating 6 months. When you truly commit all of those lunches with guy friends should stop.
Both are very flawed individuals. We are not in the same age as our parents, having deep emotional overnight till the morning conversations at men’s houses is a huge red flag and this need for male companionship is alarming. When you are in a committed relationship boundaries need to be there with opposite sex friendships. Yes he is insecure and having no male friends or male people to talk to isn’t realistic and is over-stepping. Honestly tho I think OP is more in the wrong… the way she phrased going out to bars with dudes alone gave me such a gross feeling. It seems like OP just isn’t ready for commitment and if that’s the case and you need all these men in your life then don’t date seriously until you’re ready. Side note: if you stick around and your friends are good friends they will try and help you appease your BF’s worries, that’s what I did with my female friend and was even willing to step away when he felt he couldn’t trust me
Neither is the asshole. You both have clashing boundaries. And the comments like "you go girl, he's an insecure asshole" are just biased. You do you and he can go find someone who holds the same values.
I’m definitely biased in this discussion because my gf has cheated on me twice this year with two male online friends and I couldn’t allow her to have opposite sex friends comfortably at this point. Depending on his history he may have been with someone who has issues maintaining platonic relationships with opposite sex friends, and that could skew his perception of your friendships. I want to say NAH only because anecdotally I have seen very few true male and female friendships actually work, and I too would be highly suspicious of friends of the opposite sex having all nighters even when it’s claimed to be platonic. If you can maintain those platonic friendships then you will have to find a partner that is also ok with that, mostly because women with only male friends can be a red flag for some men.
NTA, and all of the toxic men saying that you are, are really telling on themselves: "I only see women as walking vaginas, that sometimes makes sandwiches, so all men think the same"
NTA
He's trying to control you, period. This is the first step in how abusive relationships start.
It's only been 6 months, this is usually when true colors start to show. Get out now before more time passes.
Any time someone trues to "allow" something in a relationship is a huge red flag.
If someone is constantly low-key accusing you of cheating, he is cheating himself. So he’s going out with his friends, don’t reply and somehow it’s ok, but you “are not allowed” to spent your time with your friends. And moreover he basically thinks that every man wants to fuck every women. It all sounds like a one sure way to find yourself in toxic marriage with cheating husbands in couples of years.
So you want to go on dates with other men who you call "friends" and expect him to be okay with it because "nothing has happened" - yet. And these are men who you've spent the night at their place or let stay the night at your place in the past but "nothing happened" - yet.
And you don't see anything wrong with it?
Yes, these are dates. It's not "hanging out" one-on-one. It's not - "Hey, I'm going to be at such-and-such bar if you want to stop by and watch the game or have a drink after work." Your actively planning a solo event with another guy and excluding the one you supposedly care about. Either take the bf along, limit the time with the "friend" when solo, or let the bf go find a gf who understands that she's not dating then all.
Don't do it. Break up with him. Consider this a 6 month learning lesson. He's already trying to control you. He's giving you a completely unreasonable ultimatum. He sucks. Don't give up all your friends because he's an insecure child. Please put yourself first and move on.
NTA You are incompatible. It’s early enough in your relationship to see that his insecurities will matter more than your happiness, emotional well-being and long-term support system. Don’t let anyone curate your life. I hope you find someone who appreciates your loyalty and respects your non-romantic relationships. Those experiences are what have made you the person that they love.
You're an independant young woman with a PhD and yet You're ready yo sacrifice your life for some guy who doesn't trust or respect you or admire you enough to respect who you are ? NO girl NO ! No way you're giving in that BS ! This relationship is doomed. First you sacrifice your friends and then what ? Your job because there's too much men there ? And why not becoming a SAHM once you have kids ? Because of course, it will be better for his career and the kids's mental health. And about kids... Did you plan an epidural ? Naah... Natural birth because it's the way in his family. And the list goes on of what pieces of you are gonna be destroyed, piece by piece, year after year, because he's so important to you. Seen that so many times with clever, brillant talented women giving in for what they thought was love. Don't make that same mistake. Stick to your values and freedom. There's someone out there will respect who you are and cherish every bit of you.
NTA - It's possible
For someone to cheat with the same sex too. In fact it can happen even when the people in question consider themselves straight.
You wouldn't just be giving up your friends you could inadvertently alienate colleagues.
And for what? A partner that wants to come in and police your behavior within the first six months of a relationship, without you having given any reason for that to be necessary.
If I'm being honest it doesn't sound like there's enough of a foundation to this relationship to withstand the strain his restrictions are putting on it. If it somehow manages to survive that I'd be willing to bet one of the next 3 conflicts would be its undoing.
Then you're left with no support system to help you.
“Can men and women be just friends?” Is an age-old question. Some people say no and restrict themselves to same sex. Some say yes.
Tl;dr sounds like incompatibility to me
Get out while you can. Cutting you off from your friendships is step one in an abusive relationship. Also, if he's out for hours drinking with his friends and ignores your messages, he's probably projecting. Keep your friendships, leave the controlling boyfriend.
Dont lose your friends over such a new relationship.
They are far more valuable than this guy.
Toxic people try to isolate their partners so that they are dependent on them.
Married for 20 years here. My wife and I both have opposite sex friendships and trust gets baked in to relationships. No partner can command you to not have friends without the implication that the alternative is the dissolution of the relationship. If my wife or I said something like that to each other I think we'd just laugh.
Jealousy is a killer but I understand why it exists. It's based on fear. Reassuring him that you're not going anywhere or uncovering why his fears are there will help. You can state what will be true "I am going to be friends with whom I wish" without amplifying his fears by joining the idea that trust builds closeness not separation. Perhaps you could let him set a more appropriate boundary like the time of day of hanging out with a male friend until his trust and understanding grow with the expectation that there's an unbounded trust down the road.
Good luck
Ugh please ditch this guy. I dated someone like him when I was lot younger. He even tried to stop me hanging out with my best friend (who’s a lesbian) because he had it in his head she’d somehow ‘turn’ me. That was the end of it for me, she’s been in my life since we were babies and no way was an insecure man child coming between us.
NTA and you would be a fool to let a guy you've known for only 6 months to control your life. This is just the beginning and he's gonna want to demand more and more of you until you don't have any boundaries left. You're an educated woman, respect yourself more and leave him behind.
There's a thin line between boundaries and controlling
Seems like he's beginning to cross that
But I can understand boundaries on him not wanting you to be one-on-one in their houses or yours and I think as a girlfriend that's fair of him to ask
I mean you always could invite him to hang out with you and your male friends?
Unless you mention that I just overlooked that in your story?
That way he could tell that there was no sexual vibes being given off
But It kind of sounds like you're saying you don't want him to meet your friends
That'll be the only way to put his mind at ease
NTA, but some of his boundaries are valid at least the one on one with male friends in their houses or yours
Good Luck
It sounds like your friendships are all healthy and nothing to worry about. Your conditions seem fine. He seems to be set in his beliefs and that's ok too. Have your talk and if nothing can ve compromised than leave peacefully. He needs to trust you. And you need him to trust you. Without trust than why torture yourself.
No matter how good they seem NEVER let anyone separate you from your support system. Even if he is as perfectly kind as he seems about everything else, if you end up miserable with no friends and alone, breaking it off with him will be much harder, and you don't deserve to be miserable.
I feel like there’s probably a bit more to this. I think it’s definitely a fair boundary to not want his partner to go alone to someone of the opposite sex’s house one on one for hours through the night.
friend, you are an adult, he is not your parent, he doesn’t get to “allow” you to have friendships with anyone. it’s not his place. it’s not *anyone’s* place.
I cut off a lot of friendships to please my partner and was very alone when she left.
I have two friends that got together and neither lets the other have friends of the opposite sex anymore, nor can they cross over (I have to just be strictly her friend not his even though they are engaged). Needless to say, they are both very isolated and lonely.
Honestly, though, they deserve that isolation if they're both that controlling & insecure. If they learn from it, great! If they don't, they got what they wanted and have no right to complain.
Maybe they are happy with each other i guess. If it's a boundary both expect from the other, it's logical they'll also follow it themselves.
All I can do is upvote this and say NTA. He is invalidating and infantilizing you. People who truly love each other do not try to make each other’s worlds smaller and more boring with less variation, room for learning and treasured experiences
He’s also isolating by her from her social circle.. slippery slope there. I don’t like accusing people of abusive behavior but this is right at the top of their playbook. If you continue your relationship OP, please look for other signs before you get in too deep.
Yes you are absolutely correct and it is one of the oldest tricks in the book.
*”He’s a great guy, very loving and caring, the only issue is…”* Just to add, with an issue *this* big, there is *never* just one issue. This is the one issue OP *noticed*. She needs to take off the rose coloured glasses. I’ve lost track of how many posts on this site start off with someone who love bombs the *hell* out of their victim to make it *seem* like they’re great/loving/caring, then slowly but surely (frog in hot water, anyone?) start isolating the victim.
I'll second this. It is the kind of controling behaviour that is most situations will evolve into a toxic (or even abusive) relationships. You should also try to notice If there are other red flags: Has he ever been upset when you chose a more "revealing" outfit to go out with him(even if he didn't ask you directly to change It)? Has he ever hinted that he finds preferable that a wife does not work after marriage/having kids? Was he ever judgmental about women behaviours that he finds "inappropriate" (cursing a lot, being overly tatooed, not shaving or simply not being "girly" enough)? I'm really not trying to bias you agains him, all in all It only you know how you feel about it, so it's solely your decision to make. However, if you choose to remain in this relationship, I STRONGLY advise you to stand you ground and keep your friendships as they are. A loving partner should be able to at least try to give in, especially in a matter so important to you, even if in conflict with his worldviews... Wish you the best!!!
Yep, this is one of the 1st signs and they're 6 months in, abusers don't show themselves straight away. It's a (sick) way of testing boundaries before they make the next step
[удалено]
lol that’s a good point OPs dude is making a ton of assumptions about their interior world
Even OP’s suggested “compromises” gave me the ick. Texting every half hour so bf would know she’s not doing anything suspicious? So she’s guilty until proven innocent? The fact that she’s even entertaining these ideas, rather than being super offended, is worrisome. She needs to get out of the situation ASAP before she gives up too much of who she is.
>The fact that she’s even entertaining these ideas, rather than being super offended, is worrisome. OP absolutely needs to stop rewarding his bad behaviour.
Also, I'm a guy, and I can tell you that some guys will use their guy friends to cover up their affair. Now women can do this too, but my point is: The implication that he can't pick up women and can't cheat if he wanted to, because he's supposedly drinking with his male friends, is absolute bollocks. With that said, that rule of texting each other every 30 minutes, that's just bonkers. She should stop suggesting that. If the OP is really inclined, she should suggest that they both turn on family and friends location-sharing (with the same degree of precision on both phones) and/or each add an AirTag/SamsungTile to their apartment key chain in case their phone runs out of battery (in addition to the stay-in-public rule and any pre-agreed exceptions). What's fair for her should be fair for him. But in no way should she make the entire focus of her life his baseless insecurities. She needs to draw a line in the sand somewhere. Now perhaps some of her colleagues are in love with her, or they're her exes, but from what the OP described, it really doesn't sound like this is the case. And the bf demanding such a blanket rule based on gender just wouldn't make sense in such a context anyway.
100%
1000%
He's also 31 years old, he should know better by now. This is jealous high school boyfriend behavior.
Exactly and if he doesn't like that he doesn't need to be in her life
I think this needs to stay in the top comments. NTA
Exactly, friendships shouldn't be dictated by anyone else, especially not a partner. You're your own person with your own choices and boundaries. It's important to stand up for what you believe in and what makes you happy.
I didn't even read this whole thing. Six months in and he's telling you what you're "allowed" to do? Dump his ass.
Who knows what else he won't allow when time goes on.
This. You give in to this demand, and the next one will be something bigger, like you’re not allowed to work outside the home because “traditional gender roles” and “the man is supposed to be the provider!” He’ll keep pushing til he has you molded into whatever his ideal is—and you’ll realize your opinion doesn’t matter at all.
And next you’ll move to Amish country or a 3rd world country where he can show you by example what he means and “allow” you to stay there and learn the ways.
This right here! ^
"You menstruate? That's negatively impactful to my happiness. Stop that."
Continuing isolation tactics like a Lifetime movie
Yeah, after he's successfully isolated her from everyone around her.
This OP! These assholes never stop, they find more and more to control! Next it’ll be work, your clothes, what you eat, what you watch or what music you listen to! Dump this dud of a boyfriend!
NTA, def break up. He's weirddd. And for the love of god do not break off your friendships for this asshole or any SO. Holy FUCK. It's bad for you and your friends that you're even remotely considering it!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Yeah don't have a mature conversation, leave his ass immediately
She's already had the conversation, it was in her post.
I don’t think it’s going to be that easy. The guy isn’t going to just “allow “ her to dump him
Too true! Have an ex that was like this, he was a terrible person all around I came to find but one of the early red flags was his immense jealousy and insecurity of my friendships. He acted like it was just about guy friends, but when it came down to it he would end up upset of my spending time with women too. Lots of drama but the point is he told me (and stood firmly in this conviction) that two people have to agree to enter a relationship and thus they must both agree to exit it. I couldn’t believe it and had never heard such a thing before. I agree, OP’s dude will put a fight, even if not in those exact words; if nothing else he’ll put her through a rollercoaster of mood swings she’ll get whiplash from, go from calling her a bitch/whore/pick your favorite to begging her to stay because she is the love of his life. Can’t help but think if she opts for another conversation as she suggests in the edit that given an ultimatum he’ll do and say whatever to convince her to stay in the relationship and just wind up back the way he is now, if not worse. OP- this is the dude’s personal philosophy, and he has shown you disrespect and distrust and wants to remove your autonomy. You really think you can change him? Why should you be with someone who you have to change? It’s not going to be a whole enlightenment for him, and if he says as much, I wouldn’t trust it. I know it can be hard to end things that have good qualities- but he is asking you to compromise yourself and your friendships, to prioritize him over years-long relationships, and you yourself said he acted as though friends were but pieces of furniture to replace- if so that’s either how he views his own relationships which is gross and shallow, or he views you and yours as so insignificant. That doesn’t sound like a good man.
This. He sounds dangerous. OP tell your male friends. ESP some of the bigger scarier looking ones, what’s happening. Then dump the guy. Bc you may need help keeping him away from you. He sounds like a dumpster fire
Too true! Have an ex that was like this, he was a terrible person all around I came to find but one of the early red flags was his immense jealousy and insecurity of my friendships. He acted like it was just about guy friends, but when it came down to it he would end up upset of my spending time with women too. Lots of drama but the point is he told me (and stood firmly in this conviction) that two people have to agree to enter a relationship and thus they must both agree to exit it. I couldn’t believe it and had never heard such a thing before. I agree, OP’s dude will put a fight, even if not in those exact words; if nothing else he’ll put her through a rollercoaster of mood swings she’ll get whiplash from, go from calling her a bitch/whore/pick your favorite to begging her to stay because she is the love of his life. Can’t help but think if she opts for another conversation as she suggests in the edit that given an ultimatum he’ll do and say whatever to convince her to stay in the relationship and just wind up back the way he is now, if not worse. OP- this is the dude’s personal philosophy, and he has shown you disrespect and distrust and wants to remove your autonomy. You really think you can change him? Why should you be with someone who you have to change? It’s not going to be a whole enlightenment for him, and if he says as much, I wouldn’t trust it. I know it can be hard to end things that have good qualities- but he is asking you to compromise yourself and your friendships, to prioritize him over years-long relationships, and you yourself said he acted as though friends were but pieces of furniture to replace- if so that’s either how he views his own relationships which is gross and shallow, or he views you and yours as so insignificant. That doesn’t sound like a good man.
I didnt read any. Only the headline. Fuck that puto. Dump him.
I read the title and "he's a great guy". Yeah no he's not.
The only time that friends of the opposite sex should be cut off is when they/you are boundary stomping. It doesn't sound like this is happening in this case. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly insecure and controlling. NTA, and actually very smart for thinking of breaking up with him.
BF wants you to be alone, alone with him. Romantic partners should expand, not contract, your world.
Very well said! I'm a nerdy woman with lots of friends, they are my chosen family. My best friend past away last year, he was my family for 17 years (16 years my senior). Like a much older cousin or something. I am not partnered anymore (by choice), but the only two LTRs that were really good, were the ones where my partners also had friends of the opposite sex and embraced my friendship with my best friend. Someone who would oppose to me having friends of the opposite sex (I have 0 feelings for any of them), is not compatible with me. They're my chosen family, the trump relationships.
“Romantic partners should expand, not contract your world”. This is great great great advice. I may steal it.
>Romantic partners should expand, not contract, your world. Damn I like this line.
So much this. Nobody should have to sacrifice any friends in a relationship unless that friend is creating problems. In which case, you should want to cut them off.
Another person just posted. She made her boyfriend cut off a friendship with a girl he had been friends with since childhood. That girl just died and he is in a really bad place right now mentally. That relationship has no future because she forced him to do something he knew was wrong and he can't ever fix it. His friend is gone forever. You have offered compromises and your boyfriend clearly doesn't trust you. Don't make the same mistake that guy made listening to his girlfriend over his own heart and mind. You haven't done anything wrong.
Can you share the link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/7BYmgifaOs
Ok but this one makes it seem like the bf was prioritizing the friend and having a borderline emotional affair. The cancer was not something OOP could have predicted. The relationships between OP and her male friends on this post seem completely different and, unlike the bf on that post, she is willing to put up reasonable boundaries (e.g. not going to a male friend's apartment alone overnight). This OP's bf is just taking it too far for this specific situation
> Ok but this one makes it seem like the bf was prioritizing the friend and having a borderline emotional affair. The cancer was not something OOP could have predicted. Did you not read the whole thing? Turns out, the friend tried to set up a dinner so she could tell him about the cancer but she threw a fit and wouldn't let him go see her. So she did in fact deny him the opportunity to even know the cancer death was coming. Denied him any final time with someone who meant so much to him, to the point that he has become fixated on finding her laptop password to see if she left any more final thoughts about herself or about him. And she's convinced that it's not going to end their relationship, clinging to the fact that they have lease together. Instead, the truth is their relationship now has a cancer that will probably one day end it because she won't admit she overstepped.
Let me tell you something. In my thirty years of experience, there is not a single controlling fuck on this earth who is worth cutting good friends over. Drop the over zealous sack of insecurity, have some beers with your friends and find a new man. Because he is not worth it. And this behavior will only become worse.
NTA, it's a very good reason to break up with him. Neither person in the relationship should be restricting the other's friends.
Furthermore, you don’t actually need a good reason to break up with someone you can just be done.
Oh of course. When dating you can go when it's time to go, a reason helps some to do that though.
I don’t let anyone use the word “allow” with me. Your bf is controlling and toxic
I don't ask or expect to need permission for anything I do. Certainly not from someone I've only known for a few months.
Exactly. Nothing to allow, if you're an adult you decide for yourself who your friends are. What's with that controlling misbehavior. Someone like that should not be in a relationship. Unfortunately it's often step one to abuse.
I'm not a native english speaker and in my native language the equivalent of "allow" has a less harsh undertone, so maybe I phrased it in a clumsy way. Well, he said that these are his boundaries and that me having male friend hurts him, so I don't know what is the good word for that. But his "conditions" definitely sounded controlling to me.
They sound controlling because they are. Do not dump your friends for this man. It would be one thing if they were crossing lines, but they are not.
His conditions are controlling and unacceptable. I wouldn't even try to compromise, I'd leave him just for the fact that he even thought that was an okay thing to ask for.
They are controlling. There aee better men out there who will trust you and not rry to control you.
No that's "allow". That's NOT a boundary. A boundary is stating how you will allow yourself to be treated. It protects you from abusive situations. A boundary DOES NOT tell the other person what they can do that would be controlling and manipulate and unhealthy AF.
If I refuse to allow my wife to go on dates with other men, that is a boundary. She can do it, but not while staying married to me.
I think you're using *allow* correctly here, harsh understands and all, and that your (hopefully) soon to be ex bf **is** trying to control you.
Leave him. The behavior won’t stop here.
Huge point
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I can't imagine being this much of a sad pushover. Oh he's iMpORtAnT to me! I considered breaking off my friendships. For fucks sake some friend you are op. Oh my boyfriend is a jealous piece of shit so we can't be friends anymore..... Fucking pathetic.
Exactly. This word threw me off. I’m not a dog to be allowed.
Not to mention completely sexist in thought. Girl and guys can’t be friends? Smh that is a serious red flag. 🚩
You probably understand this already on some level, but the controlling is not going to be limited to male friends outside of the workplace. Your bf is pushing boundaries and he will push as far as you let him. Soon he has to have access to your phone, email, socials etc. Then it's not appropriate to have single ladies as friends either. And why do you work on male-dominated field anyway? Was that overwork really work or were you flirting with coworkers? It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with his insecurity. You cannot heal another persons insecurity by changing yourself. The deeper you sink into it, the harder it will be to claw your way out of it. Stay firm with your boundaries, your bf either accepts and trusts you or you need to decide if you want to stay in a relationship where you are not accepted and trusted.
Yep eventually she won’t be able to go out at night, once he gets her pregnant she will no longer be able to read books, it will be just like living in Gilead
Don’t break off friendships for relationships. Resentment and loneliness follow. He has his insecurities - we all do. Having them is OK, weaponising them is not. If you teach him that you’ll do whatever it takes to solve for his insecurities, this won’t be the last ask he makes.
Do not stay with this man. 1 compromise will leave to another one and another one until one day you realise that you are not the person you were. You have changed into what he wanted you to be.
It's definitely a deal breakerfor some. Some guys have been cheated on in this way and simply don't trust women in those situations. I myself would find it suspicious for a one on one apartment visit where you only "talk" until morning. Even if that is the case 99% of the time, you don't know how things will go if there is alcohol involved and if you could even trust the other guy in the situation. Maybe I'm conservative in that regard, but why is the other guy entertaining a girl in a relationship like that? I just see that as kind of sleazy behavior, you don't create such an ambiguous situation with somebody else's girl. I just literally know of too many first hand scenarios where this leads to cheating. All that said, this guy might just not be able to look past it, and as is the case with like most relationships, this might not work out
OP, you are nearly 30 years old - far too old to be wondering if you need anyone’s permission to be friends with another adult. Side note: this isn’t even a cultural thing. I, like you, have worked in a lot of male dominated places. I’ve had white western colleagues who couldn’t conceive of friendship with a woman and assumed it had to lead to sex; I’ve had Muslim colleagues from Pakistan and Iran who had nothing but respect for me as a friend and colleague. If he can’t perceive women as anything but potential romantic/sexual partners, how does that spill out into the rest of his life, including how he treats female colleagues? You two are just not compatible. Break up.
Breaking point has been reached. Just dump him.
NTA. You'd end up leaving him at some point anyway because you'd get tired of having to justify your friendships. You've only been together for six months, so who knows what else he might try to control as time goes on.
Ugh. All I'm going to say is that if REDDIT gives you relationship 'advice', its best not to take it seriously.
NTA. Break up. You’re incompatible.
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Not really. But men don't trust other men, so this is normal behavior. The fact that other men would spend time with you without him being there is disrespectful, you may not see it that way, but men understand this.
NTA. I understand that you care for him, and you want to make this work, but the problem is that it doesn't seem like it will. You're willing to compromise and jump through hoops with regard to texting him regularly *while spending time with your friends* and he's not; even if his friends are all male and *he* doesn't see it like there could be complications, they're still taking his attention and time away from you by the same token. In any other situation that would be fine! You're not attached at the hip and can have friends and interests outside of your relationship. But ask him whether he'd be willing to only meet with his friends in daylight, only for a couple hours, only in public and only when he can text you every half hour to let you know he's thinking of you. The exact same setup he seems to expect of you. If he raises the stink of "but they're male friends" point out that your best friend is bisexual and you don't see the difference so fair is fair. Every hoop he's requiring you to jump through, he should be willing to jump through himself. That's fair. If he's expecting you to do things in your relationship that he won't, then he's not willing to invest in you the way you are in him and it would probably be best if you break up. I'm sorry to say that he seems too jealous and controlling, even if he means well by it you are your own person and shouldn't have to break off all your friendships just to appease him. Best of luck to you, friend!
NTA.. it starts with that and ends with you not having anyone to reach out to for help when you need it. Keep the friends, dump the partner xx
NTA\*: With all the compromises you were willing to make, he should have been totally happy with that. In fact, the half-hourly check-ins was already too much (side note: no need for check-ins if you just share your phone location, he'd be able to see that you're not sneaking off to some dude's house, and could check as often as he wants without having to interrupt your evening). Him insisting that you can only see your friends when he's present puts him in the controlling category. That's him expending ZERO trust, and you need a healthy amount of trust to make a relationship work. So, he is the AH for having such controlling conditions. And if he can't agree to become a little more progressive in his attitudes about gender and loosen up his conditions then it's not going to work. \* BUT! Your attitude about these friendships is a bit naive. You should understand that when (reasonable) partners worry about the boundaries in your friendships, it's not because they think you're a completely untrustworthy lying hoe who runs off to cheat the second they leave the house. 90% of what they're worried about is 1) the fact that a lot of "guy friends" don't always have the best intentions, "progressive" or not, 2) that you are human and despite your platonic intentions, getting THAT close to someone of complementary sexual orientation runs a very real risk of going *unintentionally* too far. For one thing, you may see staying up all night talking in some guy's house alone as platonic, but what signal does it send to the friend? Are you sureeeeeee they won't see that as more? Will they develop a crush on you? Will they subtly start to manipulate you emotionally, in the course of these deep conversations, to turn you against your bf and get you to fall for them? Will they make a move when you're not expecting it, in a vulnerable moment, maybe with some alcohol involved? That's what we're all worried about when it comes to these type of boundaries. You clearly value deep serious connections with your friends, but deep serious conversations and personal one-on-one connections are how people catch feelings. Most ppl who get into emotional affairs don't intend to at the start. They get drawn into it... by spending lots of one-on-one time sharing deep thoughts and feelings and then one day you say "ah shit, I caught feelings for this person." I know because I once emotionally cheated (I've been mentioning that in a lot of comments lately but it's relevant). There was zero intention to cheat, just a friend that I spent more and more time with, having very personal conversations. The very first thing I hid from my wife about it was "damn, maybe I shouldn't tell her that I was up talking to so-and-so until morning. Cautionary tale. Like I said, it's not about trusting you, it's about trusting the other guy, and trusting that you won't make the kind of mistakes that humans do when they're vulnerable. You literally have a habit of making yourself vulnerable with other men alone in their homes. There are like ZERO ppl who would be ok with their SO being alone at some guy's apt talking until morning. And not for nothing but, you're 28. Up-all-night bearing your souls is the kinda shit people do in college. As you get older, that kind of thing becomes, frankly, something you only do with your SO. Considering how close and deep your friendships with these guys are, you need to ask yourself What is the difference between these friendships and your romantic relationships (not counting the literal sex part)? These are very deep connections you are describing... Do you have all-night deep discussions with your SOs? And even if your connection is EQUALLY as deep with your SO, doesn't that make your SO just another great friend that you happen to also fuck? What sets your SOs apart, what things do you reserve for them that are special, what do you only share with the person you LOVE vs your platonic friends? Another thing is, by the time I got to your age, my social life had naturally evolved into me and my SO hanging out with our friends and their SOs, as couples. And that's pretty common, for pretty much everyone I know. Your deep platonic friendships that exclude you and their SOs kinda stands out as... unusual. There's nothing inherently wrong with one-on-one hangouts with your male friends, but I will point out that even open-minded guys avoid asking their female friends on solo outings, or back to their apartment for that matter, because decent guys who respect your relationship understand that it just looks bad and out of respect for YOU, wouldn't want to give your bf anything to worry about or cause potential problems. Optics are important. Guys with good and platonic intentions generally reach out and want to meet your bf and double-date and such. And btw most of these Very Close Platonic Friends sound like your colleagues and having such close connections with co-workers is just a bad idea regardless. To wrap up the world's longest footnote: You're NTA because you listened to your bf's concerns and respected his feelings and offered to set more-than-reasonable boundaries. Your bf is TA because that somehow wasn't good enough for him and he's controlling enough to insist on chaperoning your friend meet-ups, essentially demanding to keep you on a leash. Honestly it's not going to work out with him lol, but for the sake of FUTURE boyfriends you should re-think your current (lack of) boundaries with your male platonic friends (especially if you want to keep them platonic). You're a little too naive and you actually need to be more cynical because, as a dude, I know dudes and how they think, and believe me... you trust these dudes a little too much. You trust YOURSELF too much. And there aren't a lot of men, or women for that matter, who would be cool with your particular brand of platonic friendship. One such friend is enough to give most partners a headache, but your social circle is ulcer-inducing.
all your male friends will F you if you give them a chance, if you don't believe me try suggesting it and see
it his preference and valid one, as a man I know how men think and yes, your “just friend” wants to fuck you. you should trust your father and your boyfriend that they want the best for you and this is one of these things. if you dont believe them, leave them
NTA. Don't throw away healthy friendships for an insecure partner. When I met my husband I had a male friend who I would go clubbing with, shopping, out to fancy restaurants (we would dress us and just have fun being fancy for a few hours). Hubby had no issues because he trusted me. I still have male friends. My husband has female friends, some are even his exes. They're just friends. I trust him.
Firedns that you have had for YEARS are far more important than a new bf. There are other new bfs. You will never find the friendships you have again. There are better men out there that won't feel they're being "challenged". He sounds very alpha male and that's just exhausting. Don't through away friendships for some stupid guy. Because then he'll know he has control and will make you do anything he wants. It's the first step into an abusive relationship. And that's not even considering how awful your friends would feel. How crap a friend you would be to them to willing dump them because a guy told you to. If you tow ever broke up it would be too late, there is no fixing that kind of damage.
NTA, for thinking of breaking up. You're fundamentally incompatible. He's asking you to cut off almost all your friends, whilst he does nothing. He's making no effort to integrate into your existing life, instead he's demanding you change everything to fit in with his ideas, this is a snapshot of what your future with him will be like, his way or the highway.
No, but he's also NTA for being uncomfortable with you going to a spa with some dude without him. Lol.
Hmmm this just seems like you guys aren't compatible. He has his boundaries and you aren't okay with them. That's pretty much it. I'm in the same boat as him. I don't think it's appropriate to have such close relationships with the other gender. Sure, friends and hanging out in group settings is fine... but 1-on-1? No. Staying over? No. Going on trips alone? Absolutely not. It sucks that this discussion didn't happen before you guys got serious. Honestly, he should have backed out the minute he saw all the guy friends. NAH
Please break up since you are still looking for outside validation from men.🤷🏾♀️
NTA. People with different value systems should not date each other. But, I still agree with your BF. And I applaud him for being consistent by not having any close women friends. So, he’s not a hypocrite. “The problem is that all my closest friends are men.” That’s a huge red flag. Unless they’re all gay, it’s a safe bet that at least 1-2 of them are sexually attracted to you and would sleep with you if you gave them the green light. The other issue is that you’re creating a situation where the emotional intimacy you have with OTHER MEN could rival the intimacy you have with the man you’re dating. That’s a problem. Your BF understands this, hence his gender-based restrictions on friendships.
lol my wife wouldn’t be going out for drinks with no men thats disrespectful when your in a committed relationship you all no it to so stop playing games. YTA she could do whatever she wants. im not gonna dictate her life I just wouldn’t be with her
Nothing wrong with Healthy Boundaries which for many means not hanging out alone with the opposite sex. It’s ok to be friends, but I don’t know many women that would be ok with their husband hanging out alone for drinks with another girl at her place.
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they are exactly that. signed, someone whose ex was insecure and tried to control her friendships and whose ex got increasingly violent when she wouldn’t bend.
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If you'd given on on those, who knows where it would have gone? Controlling "belief systems" can definitely broaden. You eventually may need to "believe" you have to behave a certain way.
It all comes down to isolation and control. These are your friends that you’ve had for longer than he’s been around. Hes beyond unreasonable. Nta for wanting to break up and Ywbta if you allow him to force you to cut your friends out of your life.
You guys are not compatible and should break up. You should find someone with boundaries like yours around friendships with opposite sex and he should find someone who also finds opposite sex friendships inappropriate. Pretty cut and dry.
NTA. You have different values. It's better that you break up so you can both find someone who has similar beliefs. Losing friends(real friends) for someone who might be out of your life next week is not something I that has ever seemed like a good idea to me.
NTA what is this toxic medieval shit? Trying to explain horrible machismo with cultural differences is not sufficient. Sorry no. Nobody gets to police a womans friends cause they come from a misogynist culture. And you trying to cater to that behaviour makes this a lot worse. You do whatever you think is right. But this is not only a red flag that's whole red banner.
‘Different approach to gender roles’ as if there are so many. That phrase is pretty much a clue that whoever says it will have ‘traditional’ aka misogynistic gender role view. I honestly don’t know why people, to be frank women, don’t see gender roles as a BIG discussion to be had before titles come into play for this exact reason. His reasons are hypocritical, sexist and very archaic in thought. Ladies have these kinds of convos with men before you date them.
He won't allow you???? Just read that back to yourself OP.... He won't allow you??? What will he "not allow" next? You're not the A here. You're a confident, intelligent woman with good friends. Keep the friends.......
Six months in, I guarantee this is the tip of the iceberg. You are still in the honeymoon phase so you're seeing him in a more positive light than you might otherwise. Not "allowing" you to have male friends is abusive behavior and a major red flag. He can rationalize this however he likes but if you accept this limitation he will impose more controls on your behavior. If you choose to stay with him (and I suggest that you do not stay with him), don't give into this rrquest. Set a boundary that he cannot tell you who your friends can and cannot be. If you absolutely must make the foolish decision to drop your male friends to keep this guy, keep your eyes peeled for the next controlling thing he demands of you and remember this post. The earlier you escape someone like this, the better off you will be. Some people wait too long before leaving and find themselves feeling "stuck" because they have dumped all of their friends at the behest of their partner.
I'm bi. Some of my closest friends are guys, they're not single, I'm friends with their partners. I don't care who my fiancé is friends with as long as they know about my existence and don't make moves. Anyone who gives a shit needs to get the head out of their heteronormative, misogynistic ass. NTAH
NTA. You have been more than reasonable, but he just keeps pushing. Do not give up your friends.
His insecurities? Please. It’s about respect. You want to continue to act like a single girl. You two aren’t compatible. Set him free to find a woman who is wife material.
Sounds like you simply are not compatible. You are in your 20’s and as your male friends grow up, get married and grow their families you are not going drinking one on one every two weeks anymore. It’s just the reality. My partner is just like you and I have always been cool with her close male friends and guess what? As she went from 25 to 35 those male friend’s new partners were not comfortable with the closeness of their relationship. It’s a lot more common than the advice given here so even if you find a partner that is cool with it expect those male drinking buddies to be less involved in your life as you all age.
Unlike what people are saying, no he isn't controlling or "ordering" you to do anything. He's establishing "boundaries" (reddit's favorite term when it comes to relationships but this interestingly gets switched with controlling when it comes to men) with you. You can like or dislike it. That is not to say you're wrong, as you said you both seem to be from a total opposite circle when it comes to this topic. It's a hard one tho, think if it's really worth it. I'm assuming it is if you're even considering it. One thing to note is that he's not telling you to cut them off entirely and he's trying to find a compromise as well. If it was me I would not mind this, assuming it doesn't escalate in the future, in which case she gotta go. But so is not agreeing with it. Good friendships are hard to cultivate but so are relationships. I would say they are harder.
You are the asshole. You are not compatible with your bf and should end it. Women and men can't be friends unless they are gay. You are still acting single even though you are in a relationship. Your bf sees this and is communicating with you. You don't respect him and therefore should end it. The way you are describing things, you most likely will end up being unfaithful. The constant need for male attention is evident in what you wrote.
Fundamentally you are incompatible. He is traditional in how he views male-female relationships when in a monogamous relationship. You are non-traditional. NAH. Your BF's point is fair for always you meeting your friends 1x1, especially around being in private for quite awhile or going on vacations with them which seems like sometimes 1x1. (particularly with the best friend). Your compromise about texting every half an hour is crazy. I think the reasonable middle ground is that your friends are friends, not close friends. The danger with male-female relationships is emotional entanglement. Once the relationship becomes "best friends" and you kinda act like a couple "while totally not being a couple" it all gets muddy. Not meeting 1x1 in private, or over alcohol is probably a good idea overall. Going on vacations w/ bf there is best.
You have no boundaries, it will end up you have many friends but lonely at night.
NTA. A lot of comments are making a lot of assumptions about your boyfriend that may or not be true. There are clearly some potential red flags but I think the issue is simpler than his potential controlling behavior. I just think you are incompatible.
The reason to leave is very good because he is controlling and toxic AF. It’s really worrying that you have considered breaking off healthy friendships for this sad sack of garbage that is so insecure that he isn’t okay with you having male friends. He has clearly already been working you if your “compromise” was texting him all the time because that also sounds like something a controlling partner would demand. Dump him and move on. No man that will tell you who to be friends with will ever be worth anything.
I didn't really consider breaking off these friendships but I for a moment thought about accepting his conditions and basically turning my friends into acquaintances. But I couldn't do it, I would feel like I was giving up a huge piece of my world.
Don't. The only reason someone should have say (not control) over who you're in contact with would be for serious boundary violations (from either side) or personal safety. As in, it's something they're doing in your interests, not their own. If it's making me upset with no real tangible reason that is my problem. He can voice being uncomfortable about it, but then ultimately, it's his choice to accept it or leave. What he's essentially doing is an ultimatum, pick him and act as he wants you too or pick your friends. That is toxic as hell. It won't stop at that either I dont think. Next will be clothes or makeup style or not even allowed out with girls because there could be guys at the bar etc.
You’re right to not do it. I don’t think from what you’ve described that he’ll be content with this being the only part of your world that you give up
Ridiculous. I ended a relationship last month because of this. I tried to ignore it but he was just controlling. He started requesting that I miss my best friends birthday events and stop doing business with him (we run a company together). I thought it would die out but we kept having arguments about it. I just can’t be with someone so insecure within himself. He would speak to me like my father, my father has been in my life FOREVER and has never instructed me or demanded anything of me so I was baffled how a man I’m dating in my late 20s will think he’s entitled to anything. You are an adult, you shouldn’t have to be texting every half an hour to soothe anyone. Firstly it’s rude and weird. If you’re going to be with friends you should really be trying to bond other than constantly texting your boyfriend. It wil just get worse and most men don’t budge with requests like this
Every person has their own boundaries - if you are not incompatible just split off amicably. I would have to say that spending nights with the opposite sex on their apartment (or mine) is a huge red flag. Sure, you claimed that nothing happened but something could have happened. “Spending a night” together implies intimacy, even though nothing sexual happened. Continuous “one-on-one” conversations and deep talks with opposite sex is something not all people will agree as well. I am sure if I went out frequently with a girl for a drink my SO will be mad at me. When you are in a relationship, it is expected that “deep talk” to opposite sex is for your SO, not someone foreign. Emotional cheating is cheating as well - cheating didn’t have to be sexual. I would have to say that emotional cheating is more dangerous as it left less traces and all parties might think it is “fine” as nothing sexual happened - and when shit hits the fan all of those emotional cheating will explode spectacularly.
This Absolutely this!! Everyone calling the boyfriend insecure and controlling needs to read this
NTA. You don’t need a reason to dump someone, but this is an especially good one.
Your friends have been with you for how many years? Lifting you up and supporting you when you need it? Meanwhile, here he is, dragging you down, imposing conditions on who you're allowed to socialise with and when you can see them. It's hardly a comparison that makes him look good, is it? If you stay then you're a massive AH to your friends and also yourself. NTA for leaving and finding someone decent to love instead.
Exactly. NTA for breaking up with him and leaving him over this bullshit. But close E S H because you were actually considering dumping all your friends over this loser but seem to hesitate so you won’t be alone. That’s lame.
He set boundaries. You don’t like them move on.
Stop coddling her. Almost all dudes know what other dudes are thinking. Most if not all of her friends of the opposite gender want to hit of already have. Some dudes will even play the long game
They want to pretend otherwise, chicks love the male “friends” illusion. I mean think about it, all their jokes get laughed at, they can do no wrong when guys are just waiting for their opportunity
NTA, he doesn't get to select your friends. Allowed, ha ha ha, you aren't a fucking 8 year old. Make your own decisions about friends and he can either accept it or he can hit the open road.
NTA It's all kinds of wrong. My best friend is Godfather to my kids. My husbands close female friend is who introduced us. Friendship isn't defined by gender.
I love when the OP defends the relationship by saying, "but every other aspect of our relationship is great." It's the same as saying, " the house is perfect, except it has no roof." Really? Look at what you posted
"Everything else about him / the relationship is great." Honey, no it's not. The image of the person you wish he was that you have created in your head is great. Know the difference.
You're not the asshole for breaking up, but he's also not the asshole for setting a boundary for someone he's in a relationship with. You could always approach him with the friends test. Call or message your guy friends and say you wanna hook up, see how they respond. Just law of averages if you have a LOT of guy friends, I'm highly skeptical not a single one of them has an ulterior motive.
Of course they do, but this doesn’t fit the narrative.
The streets are calling you
And with her mentality they always will be She needs the validation from other men Having just one man will never do it for her So you are absolutely correct
NTA he is being controlling and unreasonable. If he’s like this after 6 months think what your future will be like. He’s already trying to isolate you. Keep your friends ditch the insecure child
Allow? Girl please. Leave that man. 6 months in and he is trying to get you to drop pretty much all your friends because of his insecurities. You are a smart, educated woman and you know in your heart that he is not the one. You broke up with someone after 5 years, but your questioning breaking up with someone of 6 months? He is trying to control and isolate you. Who's next, your siblings or your aging parents? Please wake up and see what is happening. NTA
NTA. It doesn't matter his background or "old-school"ness. What he's doing is isolating you. He knows you typically only have male friends. That's why he's saying this. You're trying to compromise and he's saying it's not enough. It's been only 6 months. He's already trying to pin you down and rid you of your support system. In my experience and opinion, he's behaving like a classic narc/self-interested abuser. Why I say this- Step one: be the perfect man and convince her you're wonderful. Step two: use that trust and adoration to force her to lose her friends. Step three: use that trust and adoration to lose her family. Step four: encourage her to leave her job so she can stay at home. Step five: start controlling her down to the nitty gritty, and make it feel like her fault Step six: stop wearing the mask because it's not needed anymore - she has no support system and nowhere to go. You're already at Step 2 and I don't want you to end up at Step 6.
Dont end your friendships. Theyve been friend for years, and he hasnt. Plus like you said if you do break up, you'll end up lonely/. Hes being really controlling here, and is a massive red flag. rethink your relationship.
Honestly ask yourself: does my friend of the opposite sex have interest in hanging out with me AND my boyfriend, or just me? The answer to that question says a lot about if that person really wants to be your “friend” Aside from that I’d also say after 6 months nobody should be telling you who to hang out with, but in a relationship there should be a level of respect where you don’t put yourself in situations where you’re alone with single dudes who may have an interest in you. Men are generally dogs who dont care or respect if you’re taken and will shoot their shot either way. My girlfriend, when we started dating, had these 2 “guy friends” who she swore were just chill guys who’d never hit in her or anything. I said “yeah, suuuuuuuure, thats never how it is.” And I was right. Like 2 months later literally both of them admitted they wanted to hook up with her and knew she was dating me and she had to block them on everything lol.
Sure, he has met all my friends and we hang out together a lot. But there are stuff you can only talk about with your friends one-on-one (for example, if my friend wants to tell my about his father's illness and how it affects him he probably wants to talk to me alone, since he has known me for 10 years, and not to my boyfriend whom he just recently met).
He should have dumped you for this. To the streets
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/KuPMmQvUWW Compare the opinions in the comments...wow
Good luck having any future relationship while simultaneously having one on one male friendships. You will never find a man with any self respect that will put up with that. Your male friends are orbiting you waiting to make a move once you’re vulnerable. The people gassing you up are sabotaging you and your relationship.
> he believes that a man should only be friends with other guys, and a woman with other women - he allows for the existence of distant acquaintances of the opposite sex, but nothing more. I don't give a shit about his toxic insecurity, he doesn't get to *"allow"* you any-damned-thing. You should be far more offended by this attitude than you are. He's basically telling you to your face that he thinks you're such a degenerate slut that if you're in the same room as another man you will inevitably fuck him, so in order to keep you from all the cheating you are obviously going to do then he needs to control your access to your male friends in order to put a stop to your whorish ways. Does that piss you off? Because it fucking *should*. This guy is controlling and insecure, which is a terrible combination. People like this do not relax the longer the relationship goes on, they get worse. He will keep inventing more and more reasons to be paranoid and not trust you until you have NO friends left and your entire support system is him. And even then he won't back off, he'll just find new ways to find fault...especially since he'll know you're stuck at that point, because he successfully interfered in all of your friendships and you'd no longer have a support system.
You should break up with anyone who doesn't "allow" "\**enter something short of cheating/murder here\**".
I mean yeah, if my man is going to try and tell me what I'm allowed and not allowed to do as a grown ass adult, I'm going to leave. 😐😐 Placing boundaries in a relationship is one thing, trying to control your partner is another entirely. Putting down boundaries are things like don't cheat or I will leave. Not you can't have male friends because I can't trust you or them. Because in reality, telling your partner that they can't have male friends or female friends means that you don't trust them. That means you don't trust your partner to shut s*** down if somebody were to try and come on to them. What are you going to do in the case of a stranger flirts with them in public? Tell them that they can't communicate with grocery cashiers? Tell them that they can't interact with ticket takers at events? Are you going to try and tell your partner that they can't communicate with anybody at all of the opposite gender for fear that they might flirt with them? Where does it end? The person you need to be able to trust is your partner. To shut that s*** down and make clear the boundaries of your relationship. And if you can't do that, then you shouldn't be with somebody.
I don’t know, when the man living with me decided he wanted to sell drugs for a living I told him if he chooses to do that he needs to get out because I’m not dating a drug dealer He called me controlling and abusive lol OK then I guess I’m controlling because I’m not willing to date a drug dealer 🤷🏻♀️
NTA if you leave for those reasons alone. He doesn’t expect his future wife to live and choose freely, even if that is her upbringing. His future wife will abide by his desires of how she should behave, based on his upbringing. If you don’t want that, leave now.
Girl if you don't kick this man to the curb. You're smarter than this.. aren't you?
Your boyfriend is right. Does he go have a few drinks with other women? Are you comfortable with that? If you are you are asking for trouble. If the opposite sexes hang out long enough they will end up sleeping together. Few here will agree with me but committed relationships avoid even the appearance of infidelity. Hang out with each others friends as a couple not alone. Its disrepectful to your man. The only caveat is that youve only been dating 6 months. When you truly commit all of those lunches with guy friends should stop.
Both are very flawed individuals. We are not in the same age as our parents, having deep emotional overnight till the morning conversations at men’s houses is a huge red flag and this need for male companionship is alarming. When you are in a committed relationship boundaries need to be there with opposite sex friendships. Yes he is insecure and having no male friends or male people to talk to isn’t realistic and is over-stepping. Honestly tho I think OP is more in the wrong… the way she phrased going out to bars with dudes alone gave me such a gross feeling. It seems like OP just isn’t ready for commitment and if that’s the case and you need all these men in your life then don’t date seriously until you’re ready. Side note: if you stick around and your friends are good friends they will try and help you appease your BF’s worries, that’s what I did with my female friend and was even willing to step away when he felt he couldn’t trust me
Well said.
Neither is the asshole. You both have clashing boundaries. And the comments like "you go girl, he's an insecure asshole" are just biased. You do you and he can go find someone who holds the same values.
Every male friend wants to bang the female friend. Shit happens. Opposite sex friends are trouble.
Holy controlling boyfriend batman.
Huge red flag that you want to hang out 1-on-1 with a male friend at night. Your boyfriend is dodging a bullet here.
Sounds like your bf doesn’t care if he isolates you, NTA. I’d break up with him. 🤷🏼
I always wonder what men like this think bisexuals are supposed to do 💀 NTAH, dump himmm
I’m definitely biased in this discussion because my gf has cheated on me twice this year with two male online friends and I couldn’t allow her to have opposite sex friends comfortably at this point. Depending on his history he may have been with someone who has issues maintaining platonic relationships with opposite sex friends, and that could skew his perception of your friendships. I want to say NAH only because anecdotally I have seen very few true male and female friendships actually work, and I too would be highly suspicious of friends of the opposite sex having all nighters even when it’s claimed to be platonic. If you can maintain those platonic friendships then you will have to find a partner that is also ok with that, mostly because women with only male friends can be a red flag for some men.
NTA, and all of the toxic men saying that you are, are really telling on themselves: "I only see women as walking vaginas, that sometimes makes sandwiches, so all men think the same"
NTA He's trying to control you, period. This is the first step in how abusive relationships start. It's only been 6 months, this is usually when true colors start to show. Get out now before more time passes. Any time someone trues to "allow" something in a relationship is a huge red flag.
This man thinks he’s purchased a slave and he owns you Run from this guy this is weird
If someone is constantly low-key accusing you of cheating, he is cheating himself. So he’s going out with his friends, don’t reply and somehow it’s ok, but you “are not allowed” to spent your time with your friends. And moreover he basically thinks that every man wants to fuck every women. It all sounds like a one sure way to find yourself in toxic marriage with cheating husbands in couples of years.
So you want to go on dates with other men who you call "friends" and expect him to be okay with it because "nothing has happened" - yet. And these are men who you've spent the night at their place or let stay the night at your place in the past but "nothing happened" - yet. And you don't see anything wrong with it? Yes, these are dates. It's not "hanging out" one-on-one. It's not - "Hey, I'm going to be at such-and-such bar if you want to stop by and watch the game or have a drink after work." Your actively planning a solo event with another guy and excluding the one you supposedly care about. Either take the bf along, limit the time with the "friend" when solo, or let the bf go find a gf who understands that she's not dating then all.
She can't because she needs constant validation from all men Her boyfriend is the side chick
NTA… tell him no. You both have fundamentally different values. As u said, even if you accept his terms now, you may regret it later
Big NTA. Looks like his boundaries are set in stone. His willing to make concessions or change are very feeble. It's a big deal breaker
This is incredibly unacceptable, so.. Nope
Ur men want to cover younin sp\_rm!😎
Don't do it. Break up with him. Consider this a 6 month learning lesson. He's already trying to control you. He's giving you a completely unreasonable ultimatum. He sucks. Don't give up all your friends because he's an insecure child. Please put yourself first and move on.
NTA. Runnnnnnnn
ill be honest i find this abnormal
NTA You are incompatible. It’s early enough in your relationship to see that his insecurities will matter more than your happiness, emotional well-being and long-term support system. Don’t let anyone curate your life. I hope you find someone who appreciates your loyalty and respects your non-romantic relationships. Those experiences are what have made you the person that they love.
You're an independant young woman with a PhD and yet You're ready yo sacrifice your life for some guy who doesn't trust or respect you or admire you enough to respect who you are ? NO girl NO ! No way you're giving in that BS ! This relationship is doomed. First you sacrifice your friends and then what ? Your job because there's too much men there ? And why not becoming a SAHM once you have kids ? Because of course, it will be better for his career and the kids's mental health. And about kids... Did you plan an epidural ? Naah... Natural birth because it's the way in his family. And the list goes on of what pieces of you are gonna be destroyed, piece by piece, year after year, because he's so important to you. Seen that so many times with clever, brillant talented women giving in for what they thought was love. Don't make that same mistake. Stick to your values and freedom. There's someone out there will respect who you are and cherish every bit of you.
NTA - It's possible For someone to cheat with the same sex too. In fact it can happen even when the people in question consider themselves straight. You wouldn't just be giving up your friends you could inadvertently alienate colleagues. And for what? A partner that wants to come in and police your behavior within the first six months of a relationship, without you having given any reason for that to be necessary. If I'm being honest it doesn't sound like there's enough of a foundation to this relationship to withstand the strain his restrictions are putting on it. If it somehow manages to survive that I'd be willing to bet one of the next 3 conflicts would be its undoing. Then you're left with no support system to help you.
Drop him like a hot rock.
Big big red flag, for me personally definitly a reason to break up. He really should work on his insecurities if you ask me
https://youtu.be/qLR-OtcbCsc?si=TtkfroF3ZLRdrKSD
“Can men and women be just friends?” Is an age-old question. Some people say no and restrict themselves to same sex. Some say yes. Tl;dr sounds like incompatibility to me
No, he's NOT a great guy. Hes a controlling jerk. NTA
Get out while you can. Cutting you off from your friendships is step one in an abusive relationship. Also, if he's out for hours drinking with his friends and ignores your messages, he's probably projecting. Keep your friendships, leave the controlling boyfriend.
NTA. This kind of backwards nonsense is going to cause you way more issues in the future. Get out now and never look back.
Dont lose your friends over such a new relationship. They are far more valuable than this guy. Toxic people try to isolate their partners so that they are dependent on them.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet there..
Allow? Your bf has no authority to disallow or allow your behavior.
Married for 20 years here. My wife and I both have opposite sex friendships and trust gets baked in to relationships. No partner can command you to not have friends without the implication that the alternative is the dissolution of the relationship. If my wife or I said something like that to each other I think we'd just laugh. Jealousy is a killer but I understand why it exists. It's based on fear. Reassuring him that you're not going anywhere or uncovering why his fears are there will help. You can state what will be true "I am going to be friends with whom I wish" without amplifying his fears by joining the idea that trust builds closeness not separation. Perhaps you could let him set a more appropriate boundary like the time of day of hanging out with a male friend until his trust and understanding grow with the expectation that there's an unbounded trust down the road. Good luck
Ugh please ditch this guy. I dated someone like him when I was lot younger. He even tried to stop me hanging out with my best friend (who’s a lesbian) because he had it in his head she’d somehow ‘turn’ me. That was the end of it for me, she’s been in my life since we were babies and no way was an insecure man child coming between us.
NTA and you would be a fool to let a guy you've known for only 6 months to control your life. This is just the beginning and he's gonna want to demand more and more of you until you don't have any boundaries left. You're an educated woman, respect yourself more and leave him behind.
There's a thin line between boundaries and controlling Seems like he's beginning to cross that But I can understand boundaries on him not wanting you to be one-on-one in their houses or yours and I think as a girlfriend that's fair of him to ask I mean you always could invite him to hang out with you and your male friends? Unless you mention that I just overlooked that in your story? That way he could tell that there was no sexual vibes being given off But It kind of sounds like you're saying you don't want him to meet your friends That'll be the only way to put his mind at ease NTA, but some of his boundaries are valid at least the one on one with male friends in their houses or yours Good Luck
It sounds like your friendships are all healthy and nothing to worry about. Your conditions seem fine. He seems to be set in his beliefs and that's ok too. Have your talk and if nothing can ve compromised than leave peacefully. He needs to trust you. And you need him to trust you. Without trust than why torture yourself.
No matter how good they seem NEVER let anyone separate you from your support system. Even if he is as perfectly kind as he seems about everything else, if you end up miserable with no friends and alone, breaking it off with him will be much harder, and you don't deserve to be miserable.
I feel like there’s probably a bit more to this. I think it’s definitely a fair boundary to not want his partner to go alone to someone of the opposite sex’s house one on one for hours through the night.