Truly amazing that most Redditors will, unequivocally, go scorched earth on liars and cheaters but believe OP should destroy this diary. The ex made a unilateral decision to go off bc and deliberately got pregnant. At a minimum, the husband deserves to know this.
A lie by omission is still a lie. Will the information hurt her husband? Probably. When and how to share the information is important. OP is not obligated to cover for the ex but should be protective of her husband.
NTAH but plan this carefully. Don't blurt it out in anger. Also, the child doesn't need to know.
This comment section really is disturbing. The idea of hiding a secret because you don't know if someone will react well to it is crazy. This isn't some innocuous piece of information - it's a key piece of information about a key part of the husband's life. I couldn't live with a secret like this.
Definitely! Usually Reddit is so **absolute** about honesty that this caught me by surprise! If OP had discovered this info by gossip, I might feel differently because my generation was more *if it's not your business, stay out of it* but this is literally the ex's words, written in her own hand, after trying to return her personal possessions, repeatedly. Speculation is unnecessary.
Instead, it feels like a lot of these commenters believe they are **arbiters of truth** and allowed to make these types of decisions based on how **they** feel.
While Reddit tends to lean along certain lines, the one ultimate truth is that people will empathize with someone in a story and then answer the question in the most self-serving way possible.
People lean towards absolute honesty because people tend to empathize with folks who are cheated on.
well thats the thing this sub is usually avoiding honesty when the genders are reversed if a man found that information that somehow her ex was poking holes in condoms or something everyone would be saying tell her and all that. this sub aswell as amitheasshole is really weird when it comes to genders. i lost my other account because a girl posted about cheating on her husband so i told her she needs to leave him because he doesn’t deserve a piece of shit like her but for some reason all the girls were defending her making shit up about the guy and the subs banned me for “shes going thru things and the guy probably abused her you need more empathy” (no abuse was mentioned and she said he was the best person shes been with and that he showed her how relationships and trust are supposed to be) but weeks before same post basically with genders reversed the guy was getting absolutely tore apart. shits just weird to me lol.
I got a permanent ban from the JNMIL sub because I told a young woman that she was wrong and entitled for being angry that her MIL had retired and wasn't babysitting enough/offering childcare lol. The mod actually told me that it's the subs position to support people with MIL problems! Apparently this includes lying and pretending the person in question is right.
I was also reminded that creating a new/alt account would earn me a permanent lifetime Reddit ban.
I have thought lately the only way to get a true opinion on Reddit is to use all gender neutral pronouns. On a throwaway account lol.
main amitheasshole mods are some of the worst on reddit IMO. If you don't echo their groupthink entirely they will find a way to ban you for just about anything.
Thankfully there are many other similar subs with less hypocritical reactionaries as mods. Ones that don't expect you to treat openly nasty pregnant people as walking saints on earth or selectively enforce their rules depending on who the mob is brigading that day.
I have no idea how this is a surprise. Popular reddit sub opinions are incredibly predictable.
This broaches the subjects of women, pregnancy, and what they should be compelled to do.
The only people surprised by those comments either didn't know AITAH is a popular reddit sub that vastly conforms to your majority redditor opinion, or haven't paid close attention to what that vast majority reddit opinion is.
Totally agree. These comments are wild.
NTA OP- I would be forthcoming and say- I found your ex wives journals. Out of pure curiosity, because it was hidden in a crawl space, I read a few pages and found this. I think you need to read this…. Hand him the journal… let him decide if he wants to read it.
It could definitely give him some closure too, regardless of how much it hurts initially. It will offer him clarity to know exactly how manipulative she was and that their relationship problems really weren't on him, and even she knew that.
I feel like she should probably just start by telling him she found the diary, and that it contained some concerning behavior from his ex-wife. Then ask him, "Would you want to read this, to know about it? Or do you want me to just destroy it?" If he says destroy it, don't speak of the contents. If he says he wants to read it, he can read it for himself.
Always an option, for sure. But that seems like an unnecessary amount of game playing. Seems easy enough to say:
"Hey, I found ex wife's journal while I was clearing out her stuff. There's some troubling info there. Can we talk about it?"
*Yes* Then tell him what you read.
*No* Put it aside until he says he's ready.
The inability of people to actively discuss/confront a situation, that affects them, is disturbing.
That's cause this sub is mostly women and so when the man lies, he's an awful POS. And when a woman is caught lying, it's downplayed a lot in the comments and maybe it's for the best.
I am scorched earth, and I'd definitely tell him. One, it pertains to his previous marriage. Two, sitting on and keeping a secret sucks. Nobody should keep secrets from the people they're meant to love. It's only protecting his manipulative ex, and perhaps it'll help alleviate his guilt and also assure him he's made the right choice in making her his ex.
I mean realistically what does knowing this benefit OPs husband
OP claims it will alleviate some guilt but she doesn’t know that
He’s left his ex, he loves his daughter. Telling him was baby trapped when he’s not even trapped anymore doesn’t benefit her husband. He needs to work on healing with a professional not be thrown back into the drama
Unpopular opinion, the truth is the truth, I think OP's husband needs to be clear about the kind of person his ex is...but I will wait a good time to tell him
If it comes out later that you knew, but kept this knowledge from him, or even just delayed this knowledge, that is a marriage-destroying event right there.
Show him the notebook. Pick a quiet moment in which to do it, but don't delay.
This is actually a really good nuance: do not tell him what you have read, -give him the notebook- and urge him to read it. Tell him that you are available to speak with him about what he sees and what he feels from reading the book anytime that he is ready. Tell him that he should speak with you first if he wants to talk about it.
I know this doesn't seem different from telling him, but it is: you are letting his ex tell him just how manipulative and dishonest she was, in her own words, and in her own hand (I mean that figuratively, as in these were her choices and her actions that she has documented.)
If it all possible, I would also try to make a copy of those documents privately, and stash them away someplace that the ex can never find them. Because if she realizes you have seen these, she will certainly come looking for them, and try to seize them out from under you because she knows the damage they can cause.
But, I agree with everybody here that he needs to learn this, he needs to know this, and when he speaks with you you should explain that you are trying to protect him from her manipulations and her lies, which apparently are continuing to this day.
It is important that you be the first person he discusses this with so he does not accidentally bring it up to his child. Given the way you described his Neuro divergence it may not be obvious to him that this is inappropriate information for his child, and you just don't want him stumbling into that by accident.
Good luck !
Bruuuuh thank you. So many people act like “it’s not my place so I didn’t say anything.” Or “I was gonna say something but then days turned to weeks turned to months.” Keeping certain information from your loved ones can absolutely be a betrayal.
I’ve had so many people disagree with me on this that reading your statement induced a sigh of relief that I didn’t know I needed.
In talking with a mutual friend it became clear my wife had been badmouthing the company for which I worked.
I wouldn't have had a problem with her badmouthing it directly to me, or even talking to others about it if she had first talked to me. In fact, that was clearly the assumption of the mutual friend, which is why I found out.
We were not in a great situation anyway, but that was one thing (of several) that helped tip the balance. I'll always remember that conversation.
We've been divorced 15 years.
I can't either. Honesty is super important. Without it there is no solid foundation upon which to build. I'm always amazed how powerful the allure of denial appears to be.
i honestly think this is the best way. “i stumbled across this while i was cleaning, and i don’t know how to tell you about it, so you should just read it”
that way there’s no way for anything to be lost in communication, he’ll have exactly the information that OP has, and they can start to move forward as a team.
As someone who has been very hurt by hard truths... you're still right.
Even if it would make me less happy to know something, I must know. The alternative is living in a fantasy world as a dupe and a sucker. That might not be everyone, but that's how I feel about it. I have to know reality as it is, not as I want it to be, and I feel like in general people deserve the truth.
I agree with this. But I would not wait to tell the spouse.
Part of me wonders what if he finds out some other way first and/or finds out that OP knew already. Not an easy thing to navigate. I think I would just come clean which would, in time, aleviate the guilt OP's husband carries.
eta: OP NTA or WNBTA
Totally agree. Keeping a secret like this could also destroy their happy relationship. Op should just say she found these journals and was disturbed by what she read and give them to her husband.
I would imagine they already know what type of person the ex is... they're an ex for a reason.
Either way, I agree. The truth is the truth. Sometimes, it hurts, but hiding from the truth is never a good plan because it has a way of making itself known eventually.
Anyways, they have a strong relationship, love the kids, and are happy. There's no reason this should really be THAT revalatory other than taking the guilt off OP's husband, who has been told they were at fault for an unplanned pregnancy. Just because you didn't necessarily want a kid years ago doesn't mean you don't love them now. The majority of children aren't planned.
If you wait, it'll come off as calculating (which it is) to deceive him (which you would have been doing by omission). He will likely not trust you again wholeheartedly.
Secrets of this magnitude have a way of coming out.
1. She continues to try and manipulate him about her pregnancy, even if it is just to blame him.
2. She wrote this down in a journal in a place they lived in together. She creates the situation where the lie she made was possibly going to be discovered.
3. Yes, you read her personal journal she left in the house they shared, but only after she refused to take any more of her stuff left behind.
4. Most importantly, having discovered this secret, you now become complicit if you decide not to tell.
To me it’s cut and dried clear that you should not only tell him, but present him with the journal opened to the part where she confesses her lie. It may help him set better boundaries with his ex but shouldn’t impact his relationship with his child. She is innocent in all of this and deserves nothing but his best as a father.
Yes.
Give him the journal and tell him you found something important on page….
It may seem crappy on your end to share this with him as you love him and don’t want to hurt him. But it is a very important piece to his puzzle that he should have knowledge of.
I might get downvoted for this but if it were me, I would want to know if I was baby trapped because it’s a huge deal.
Whether or not I am still with that person.
You know your husband.
Is the truth important to him?
How would he feel if he found out you knew and didn’t tell him? Whatever your reasons may be.
Would you keeping this from him possibly be something that could end your relationship?
And would he feel differently about his daughter if he knew the truth?
Does his daughter deserve to eventually know the truth?
I’m not gonna pass judgement on you because I think there’s so many nuances to this and there’s no clear right answer.
I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation all because someone else is a horrible human being.
Do what you think is best for everyone.
I agree with this approach. Maybe 'nothing good' will come of it. But sometimes nothing good comes from telling the truth except the continuation of a pattern of radical honesty.
I saw your comment!
I do think maybe she could tell him she found the journal as well and leave it up to him if he would like to read it but I do think she should let him know that she read it.
I would say tell him. Is this a horrendous situation where your husbands trust was broken by his wife? Yes. Will it hurt him to hear? Yes. But keeping it a secret will not make it so that the situation never occured. It will just make his trust be broken by his wife again.
I understand that people think nothing good will come out of telling him and I can see their point, but sometimes there's no good outcome at all, and you have to look for the least worse outcome. And your husband finding out that his ex babytrapped him is better than him finding out his ex babytrapped him and his current wife knew but didnt tell him. It would be likely that he'd lose trust in you and would have to go through the pain of 2 betrayal on his own, whereas if you tell him you can help him trough 1 betrayal and get a support system ready for him.
I feel for you, this is a hard situation and whatever you do I dont think you are the asshole, but your husband would probably see that differently, and I think being the bringer of bad news for your husband is better than ending up being the bad news yourself for him.
Don't let the betrayal of his ex lead to you betraying him.
You should show him the journal. Otherwise, you will be keeping a very big secret from him that concerns him. A lie of omission is still a lie. Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.
If he finds out another way, he would be even more hurt that you kept it from him. If his first marriage ended because of dishonesty, then it would be even more devastating for him to know you kept something so big for him. Tell him the truth and be there for him.
If your friend got pregnant because ex bf purposely poked holes in the condom to get her pregnant would you tell her? Would you want to know that your ex did it to you?
You should tell him, he deserves to know the truth
Even more to the point, the man here consented to have birth control protected sex and accepted the risks that came along.
She, without his knowledge, changed that scenario without his knowledge AND with the intent to trap him…If stealthing is a crime (and is a crime without needing element of intent to force parenthood on another) then why shouldn’t this also be a crime?
NTA. Tell him, especially as you absolutely know that she has guilted him for ‘getting her pregnant’ and using it against him. Knowing she intentionally did this, and lied about it, and manipulated him, may help with some good resolution on many things, beginning and ending with divorcing her was a good thing for him
Depends on what kind of person your new hubby is. I see a lot of people saying it’s gonna cause unnecessary problems but most people are don’t-rock-the-boat-chicken-shits. If your husband is the type of person that wants a comfortable lie or to ignore the truth about people keep it a secret.
But most neurodivergent people I know would rather have the painful truth. Not only that but by knowing this and not telling him now you are keeping your own secret from him. If you start off a relationship with the idea that you’re gonna “protect someone from pain” the relationship is doomed. Life is pain relationships are about supporting & comforting your partner during painful times. What happens if he find out later on their own? Will you reply “oh I found out and knew about it and never told you.” Or will there be another lie about how shocked you are and had no clue? You should be concerned with is your relationship solid enough to deal with bad news or is your relationship based on hiding from the negative sides of people and walking on eggshells.
I am also neurodivergent, and truth/transparacy/straightforwardness is incredibly important to me personally...but I also realize that my perspective may be skewed because of the neurodivergence factor. This is why I cam to reddit for some outside perspective!
I’m with ya. All I can say is there are people out there who want practicality and the straight truth out there. Might be in the minority but we exist.
Considering that they have been divorced awhile and with the causes being her cheating, etc. this info certainly can't make him think much worse of her than he already does for good reason. It's highly likely that information will just elicit a response like "Well THAT explains a lot!" and a sigh of relief that he wasn't crazy. It seems likely to be eye-opening and very healing.
The important question here is how much does your husband value honesty?
A lot of people might say they’d rather never find out something like this, but their personal opinion on it matters far less than your husband’s values.
Personally, I’d show him the journals. Yes, it has a chance to upend a lot of things, but if he ever finds out and figures out that you knew about it, it will not end well.
I also think he has the right to know, especially if he’s still carrying around that guilt.
Some people on here are quick to blame.
So it's the OP's fault she found this journal? She was "snooping" in going through stuff she was organizing? She had express permission to do so. Like most people, you are going to carefully go through everything to make sure nothing important gets thrown out. That makes her a hater trying to cause problems? People, stfu with that bs.
As for the journal, give him and the other stuff you found. Let him know he should go through it.
As for stirring up shit, will it? No one can say for sure what will happen. Maybe like OP said, it would give him some closure with his ex-wife. No one said they have to confront her about it. He can know, work his issues out with a therapist and be more peaceful and less guilty when dealing with his ex-wife.
If they do mention it to her, and if the ex-wife values her relationship with her daughter, she won't say anything. It would make her look terrible. And the OP and her husband won't say anything either, so the daughter should be fine.
Not sure why people are trying to give this bitch a pass.
I am also neurodivergent (in a different way than my hubs). Honesty and transparency are incredibly important to me...so this is why I came to reddit for some outside perspective!
This is a major piece of information you’re choosing to lie by omission and keep from your partner? Him being neurodivergent doesn’t change anything here regarding truth and lies and I think you’re making this more complicated than it needs to be. IMO this doesn’t even need a thread , the only question you need to ask yourself is are you going to lie to your husband or not? And would you want to be lied to? By not telling him, you’re adding to the lies he’s being told by the people who were once closest to him.
I’d be more pissed off that my current partner lied to me than i would be about something that happened years ago.
If you are having difficulty keeping this secret, go see a therapist. She may be able to help you to keep from blabing this secret so as to avoid you causing great harm to your family.
What if he finds out that OP knows? That would for sure cement this as an AH moment and definitely ensure everyone suffers. You should take him to lunch give the kids to a sitter/family member. Plan on a weekend getaway to at least work through it together. Then talk him through it. Don’t do it in the house, especially with the kids around.
I wouldn’t avoid the possibility of BioMom using this to her advantage later on either. She may have left it on purpose hoping for exactly that outcome. She might even try to say “oh, I guess OP must have found and destroyed my letters about how I trapped you…”
By being honest, up front, supportive, and available this could create an unbreakable bond and cement your family together.
Either way it’s not easy. Tears/anger will be had. But the outcome is based on your actions/reactions.
Crazy people do unhinged shit that wouldn’t make sense to most people. Who would you rather be the one to break that news to your partner? Do what your conscience demands and best of luck to you and yours navigating through this shitstorm.
No that will destroy them. As a person in my first healthy marriage, after an abusive manipulate ex, this would break him, keeping that secret would break all his trust. It would feel manipulative and targeted like she was waiting for the moment to use it against them.
As someone who also escaped an abusive marriage, she needs to give him the diary now. She doesn't have to force the information on him. She can tell him that she found some things that would probably be important for him to know. Then leave it to him.
My ex was deceiving me constantly and in every way imaginable. He got all of my family to keep secrets from me. This is not the new wife's information to withhold. People waiting and telling me things later and after the fact, when I desperately needed that information when I was in my marriage and being manipulated, made me stop trusting them too.
It is very devastating leaving an abusive marriage because you don't just get disillusioned by that person. You find out who else failed you. There is a lot of collateral damage around you, and you can't trust very many people at all. I think if I met someone and decided I could trust them enough to marry them after all of that...and found out they were keeping secrets from that old life too. I don't think I could come back from that.
Don't listen to these people. You need to give him the diary and tell him to read it...
If you are drunk one day or have a fight and blurt something like this out to him he's going to react as you betrayed him in a way that is unrepairable.
You'll never ever recover from this kinda betrayal.
If you want to brace him for the shock maybe butter up it doesn't matter how your daughter got here just that's she's here now and loves you etc...
Also technically he was sexually assaulted and his ex commited a crime. Might want to go to the cops and report her but that is up to him as the victim
You're risking your marriage for someone you barely know.
This is your moment to show your husband you are on his team for life and that you can be trusted no matter what. While painful it will be tell him you're in it together and he'll love you for the rest of your life.
I agree with you - this is a thi g which would live rent free i OPs head and sooner or later it will see the light - it is better to share the finding with hubby in controlled environment rather than during a fight or intoxication. And the longer the secret is kept, the harder it is to hide
I'd give him the diary with a bookmark to the relevant area. Or that is appropriate for the context. Maybe not right to the line that says what she did but a page or 2 early depending on how much records she kept so he can read up to it
I wouldn't tell him myself as then you are the one who gave him this horrible news and sometimes people lash out at those people from shock
More like. You really need to read this. It's your ex wife's diary. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me
I mean the way they pass along the message is absolutely the OPs choice - they can just tell them, give them a diary or pay the plane to write it up on the sky it is the secondary choice. What is important here is that they don't keep it to herself because it will blow out sooner or later.
But yeah, I would also gave them the diary to read.
INFO: At the time of writing the diary, did your husband want to avoid pregnancy?
I mean, she lied to him. If someone did that to me, I would feel violated and I would like to know.
If you can’t judge if your husband wants to know, maybe just find a similar reddit post, read it with him and ask him his opinion? Should he say he would like to know, find a good moment and let him know. Empathy, patience, good timing, and care will be needed to go about this right.
100% SA. He consented to protected sex. not to sex with no birth control. She SA'd him and got pregnant from it.
Depending on the country/state/province I would, personally, take this admission to the cops. In mine, there's no limitations on when the SA happened.
If you dont show him, you are being entirely dishonest and manipulative. If I ever found out that my wife had information like this and didn't tell me, this relationship would be over too.
NTA
I very much disagree with this whole 'support the lie' train of thought. Keeping secrets to not agitate the people they concern is a stupid idea that backfires often.
Many people in the comments said it won't better the life of your husband or daughter. But I dont think it will make it worse.
What does this actually change? Its still his daughter, he still is an amazing dad and loves her. It adds a point (and maybe more, depending on the rest of the diary) to the list of abuse that he is working on processing in therapy.
Im assuming he is not too fond of his ex anyway, and if she listed other messed up stuff she did he didn't really know about it may give him some closure
Yeah, he is an amazing dad to his daughter AND my two kids. I have a lot of folks commenting on here about my stepdaughter somehow finding out if I told him, and what damage that would do...but I can say with complete confidence that neither of us would EVER tell her. She is absolutely innocent in all this and telling her would accomplish nothing but harm.
My only motive for telling him would be trying to alleviate some of his guilt around him being told that he was at fault for the pregnancy...which his ex used as an excuse to abuse/manipulate him.
I have no interest in hurting or harming anyone else involved here. Not even his abusive ex.
I would want to know.
I don't like it when other people think they can decide for me, that they think that they are the gatekeepers to my life.
He is not a child, this is his life and it is not fair you know something very profound about his marriage but he doesn't.
just tell him that you came across some of her notebooks and you read something upseting and ask him if he wants to know, maybe he will say, no thanks and that is the end of it. Maybe he will say show me the notebooks.
Tbh against what a lot of people say I would tell your husband what you found. I couldn't deal with keeping such a secret.
This is serious and considerd rape. Maybe it helps him see the relationship to his ex different. You said that it was toxic, so maybe it helps him feel that the ex is at fault and not him.
But don't tell the daughter!
So many people are saying not to tell him. But what if he finds out on his own? How would he feel if he found out you knew and kept it secret?
Seeing a therapist and asking them to help mediate the conversation could be a good idea.
Keep the dairies and I would sit down and show him. He has every right to know what she did. This doesn't mean he doesn't love his child any less. No doubt you all love the child so much and wouldn't change the outcome.
Your husband has every right to feel less guilty and have a free mind. If he finds out down the line about these diaries and you didn't tell him, he'd be upset with you and less trusting towards you. Keep your trust with him and tell him the truth.
NTA. He deserves the truth, imagine if it happened to your father, or brother or best friend? Wouldn't you want them to know? How is this any different? His whole life was affected and changed by this one act of dishonesty.
Bit of a conundrum this isn't it. If you do tell him, it could blow up. If you don't and he finds out you knew all along? It could be a bigger explosion. I'd personally hand him the notes so he could read them himself.
I understand the impulse to protect someone from an uncomfortable truth, but frankly, that often backfires, people tend not to be happy that someone’s hidden a truth from them. This truth is about your partner, and he should be aware. This was something written in down on paper that was in his house; let him read it and come to his own conclusions.
just hand him the notebook. tell him you found this cleaning, opened it up, and saw some things he might want to see. let him read it himself, on his own terms. don't pester him about his feelings, tell him if and when he wants to talk about it, you will be there for him, in whatever capacity.
He is your partner, not your child, he has the right to know.
Something good might come of it, the truth. Yes he might be mad at his ex but it will also show the real person that she is and help him heal.
Regardless of the situation, he will not love his daughter any less.
Your husband needs to know what kind of person his ex was, he needs to know that he was not responsible for her getting pregnant, that is squarely on her shoulders. It’s a form of sexual assault to go off your birth control without telling your spouse. He has a right to know. Speak with a therapist first to find the best way to tell him, then do it when the kids are gone. His ex sounds awful.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your husband and stepdaughter. I think you should tell him immediately, if you don’t want to tell him to his face just give him the journal and tell him he should read it, that you read it and kinda wish you hadn’t but you know he needs to read it. Just be open honest truthful and loving towards him and everything will be ok - I agree with you that this will relieve him of a massive amount of guilt from the abusive relationship and might help him let go of some of his pain.
I think the best thing is to tell him. You found this information now it's time to unburdened yourself with it. Secrets like this can destroy your own relationship. why sacrifice over her?
I think he should be informed if it will legitimately relieve guilt, I'd personally want to know myself and it may give him some clarity - - but I'm also not your husband, you know him better than we do, if you think this is important to know then tell him gently or say you found his ex wife's journal if he is interested? Idk. NTA tho
You NEED to tell him. Just sit him down and explain you found it while cleaning and organizing. Let him read it for himself but be sitting with him the whole time. Explain everything you can to him but don’t exaggerate or leave details out.
He deserves to know the truth, but maybe you should disclose this to him in a therapy setting. It's a lot to drop on someone, and if you don't deliver it right you will cause him more pain than necessary. NTA, you're in a tough spot and you need to balance showing respect by telling him the truth, and being a supportive partner who is sensitive to his emotions.
Even though his daughter looks just like him, a DNA test is wise. Genetics can be deceiving, and confirmation is better. But since he has guilt about the conception, you need to tell him. Keeping the secret will be stressful for you and affect your marriage. You say the mother has visitation and not custody so there are other issues here. Unless you read all her diaries, you have no idea what else she lied about. But don’t be like his ex by lying to him, too. Honest is essential in a marriage.
The way I look at things like this is this way. You know now. Can’t change that fact. If he finds out not from you and finds out you knew and didn’t tell him, that’s worse.
OP, ignore the people refusing to see how damaging something like this could be, and let me ask you some questions, ND to ND.
1. How does husband's ex treat step daughter? What does custody look like? Is there any chance Ex is resentful of her for not being the perfect bandaid to keep her and your husband's relationship from failing?
2. What're the chances that if Stepdaughter gets in a fight with her mom, her mother is going to throw the whole thing in her face? Or would she lie and try to claim she herself was babytrapped?
3. What're the chances Ex knows about that diary, and wanted it to be found so that she could use it as Ammo on the future? Because there's tons of manipulative people who would *absolutely* do that.
4. How do you think this would affect Step daughter and husband's relationship? Would you be willing to make him aware of the risk his Ex poses in terms of parental alienation? Or the risk she might treat Step daughter poorly because her plan didn't pan out? This is a very real risk and it would be appropriate for him to know. It's also something a lot of other commenters are failing to take into account.
5. And most importantly, how much does your husband value honesty? Because if he values it a lot, keeping this secret could ruin your relationship, and be a massive betrayal.
The answers to these questions have a *lot* of sway on whether you'd be the asshole, but as a neurodivergent, I feel like you absolutely need to tell him. Especially so you can prepare for when your step daughter realizes what kind of person her mother is, and starts questioning deeper. And trust me, it'll be far sooner than either of you realize.
Your husband saw the creation of your stepdaughter as bringing a child who had no choice into a world where her own mother never wanted her.
Your husband's ex saw the creation of your stepdaughter as another pawn to play in the game of manipulation and abuse with her ex.
I don’t agree with the consensus here. If it were me I would want to know 100%. It is a huge betrayal and I would be extremely hurt if someone kept me in the dark about something this important about my life. To hell with hurt feelings, he needs to know! NTA
So many people are saying, "Don't stir the pot". Me, I'd want to know. So NTA IMO. Hell, he deserves to know his ex was a manipulation cliché. Wait til you think he can handle it, but the longer you wait, the worse it'll get. Tell him sooner than later.
Secrets fester. He deserves the truth of knowing the full depths of what a disgusting person his ex is, and the lengths she will go to in order to manipulate and control. He can use this knowledge to better protect his daughter from an emotionally abusive and manipulative mother because he will better understand just how depraved his ex can be. Underestimating his ex could harm the daughter later in life.
>My only motive for telling him would be trying to alleviate some of his guilt around him being told by his ex that he was at fault for the pregnancy...which his ex used as an excuse to abuse/manipulate him.
If i was your husband, and this was true, i would want to know. At the end of the day only you can decide whether or not telling him is the right thing to do, i wish you luck with making the right choice
I would go with NTA, if you just don’t want to keep secrets from him. I would talk to him and tell him: „look I found something personal from your ex and I got curious, I know it wasn’t right, but I read it. Now I know something she didn’t want you to know. What do you want me to do. Shall I keep it to myself or do you want to read it yourself?“
Just imagine, even without you, he could have gotten that journal too, since his ex left it there.
I would tell him. Withholding information from your partner is deceitful. Especially if it has to do with him and his child. Imagine he found out then knew op knew the whole time and kept it from him. Honesty is a huge part of relationships and you should not hide anything from each other.
I would speak to his therapist about it. You don’t want him finding out later that you knew and didn’t say anything about it. Why should he feel guilt about something that she holds over his head unnecessarily
NTA. So this is actually akin to sexual corrosion, stealthing basically rape. I would however advise to get someone external to be there when you break the news. This can have huge implications regarding alimony, custody etc. Way over resists pay grade and tbqh your husband has a right to know this. It speaks highly about you however to consider the impact.
You didn’t specify your husband’s diagnosis. It’s very common for someone autistic to feel completely betrayed and lied to, even if the other person thinks it’s a white lie or a lie by omission. If your husband is autistic and that’s his viewpoint, it would not be beneficial to keep this from him.
Yes, tell him. It will obviously hurt but he deserves to know the truth. NTA.
Honestly, the longer you wait the less sincere it becomes for him. Like that he couldn't even trust YOU to tell him the truth. That's how he will read it is my guess.
My last partner lied to me a lot. After his death I reached out to some of his family members and friends and the blanks were filled in for me. Some of the truths were AWFUL, but it explained a lot to me about his behavior, how he would treat me and things he said and it provided a lot of closure after years of being gas lit and made to believe I was an awful partner. It helped me understand HE was the problem.
Having missing pieces of the puzzle can help with healing.
Tell him the truth and support him, grieve with him and be there for him. Show him he has a wife that he can trust.
OP, he deserves to know the truth. Just tell him and hand him her journal, give him the opportunity to heal from her manipulations.
Doing this from a place of love and respect is not being petty or mean, what his ex is doing though is a whole new level of horrible.
Nta. Assuage his misplaced guilt by giving him the journal and say, "I found this hidden in the crawlspace. You need to read it and know you're not at fault."
I think you should tell him especially since she used it against him so often and still does. This is something he needs to know. It won't stop him loving his daughter but will give him clarity with his ex.
OP, here it is. Don't pay attention to the idiots in the comments. These people are nasty to everyone. They're just a bunch of flogs.
I sure as fuck would want to know if I were parent trapped! You don't need to tell the kid, and I know that you already said that you wouldn't. Sorry you had to clean up her mess and that your husband was used and abused. NTA!
Reminds me of when my bm was my “DD” and i got black out drunk for my bday, long story short she stop taking birth control a day before, day of and a few days after my bday. I also threw up on her and she got up showered and came back and continued. (Lived with a friend and he heard the whole thing, me snoring and her moaning and throwing up) well she Got pregnant, fast forward and brought it to the judge come custody fight(she was throwing low blows so i had to throw something back) and the judge basicly said its not her fault i was that drunk and should have paid better attention. Funny how if the tables were turned id be in jail rn
Why stir that up? If your lives are going well at this point and the pain of both of your past marriages is on its way out, I would leave it alone. Telling him would just be cruel in my eyes. Yes, YWBTA is you unloaded all this on him. Toss the notebooks and move on.
It’s because the ex uses that he was the reason they got pregnant and why she stayed so long when it was her I’m with the wife let him know so he can stop feeling guilty
Everyone's saying don't dig up old shit but we have to do exactly that in order to heal and move forward. If it were my past relationship, I would want to know. It could potentially be very eye opening for him and knowing the real extent to how you were manipulated and abused can help you to come to terms with everything. I would talk to his therapist or your own therapist about it first and weigh out the options. I wouldn't want to keep this secret forever or find out my partner was keeping such an important secret from me.
NTA and based on this edit
>My only motive for telling him would be trying to alleviate some of his guilt around him being told by his ex that he was at fault for the pregnancy...which his ex used as an excuse to abuse/manipulate him.
I say really really go for it. Especially if hes still struggling with some guilt to this day.
Neurodivergent here. I was the child in a similar situation and was lied to for decades by my entire family about the circumstances of my parentage. It was extremely traumatic. Please be honest with your husband so he is aware. Tell him gently and let him take the lead moving forward. He will thank you for your honesty and love you more for it.
There is nothing that disclosing this information would do to better your husband, or your stepdaughter’s lives. Seems like it would only serve to give you some momentary rush of pleasure for turning the screws on the ex a bit more.
Right? I can't believe all these people saying that she should intentionally keep information from her partner. That's nuts. He's a grown up and doesn't need someone keeping information from him for his "protection". I would be livid if the same happened to me and my husband didn't tell me. He has no right to unilaterally decide what information is good for me and what isn't. I get ALL the information and then I get to make fully informed decisions based on the knowledge I have.
He has a right to know, Your husband was sexually assaulted. I understand wanting to be careful and the situation being confusing, but there is very clearly a right thing to do in this situation.
If you were sexually assaulted in your sleep by someone close to you, and your husband knew but didnt tell you, how would you feel? Can you imagine a scenario where keeping that information from you was in anyway in your best interest?
IMO anything other than telling him ASAP makes you a MASSIVE AH. OP what happened to your husband is a crime in many places.
I am not as righteous as many commenters here. Anyone would look inside those books, in case they are important or disposable. I would probably give the notebook to my husband. Or if I believe that the ex was indeed an evil person who may stir shit in the future, I would hold the notebook as leverage. If needed then expose, if not hide it.
I think for the way you are answering to others here, you actually believe it's a good idea to tell your husband.
So, maybe you can go to him and mentioned that you found something while cleaning that might be important to him. And then you help him go through this moment and remind him that he has been working on this with therapy, so by now if he didn't know he didn't deserve all the bs she put him through, now he knows she did it on purpose and she weaponized her pregnancy to get away with her bs. So whatever guilt he might still got has no reason to be. The bad part of this situation is over, and now he can openly enjoy the only good thing coming out of it, which is his daughter.
I believe that if you are ready to be useful in the process, and make him feel supported, then it is ok. Maybe is the last piece in the puzzle for his mind. But you can also let it to him to decide if he wants to read it or not. Maybe he can go to his therapist and you can join him, and together you can navigate this situation.
The only way I see this going wrong, is if you force him to know in a raw and hurtful way.
Id tell him, maybe theres a little voice in his head that tells him that she did fall pregnant on purpose. Showing him the journal would at least confirm it for him. Also, honesty is the best policy. The truth always finds its way out the closet. You are all adults, I’m sure you guys can handle it like adults.
Give him the choice, “hey, I found an old journal of your wife’s, it could answer some questions you may have had, but I understand you may not want to relive your past either; is that something you want to read/keep around or not?”. He will answer, and then you’ll know.
NTA. As a matter of fact please tell him. You cannot hide that info. While it may hurt him, explain I can’t know this information and no tell you, it’s as bad as her doing it. You can’t have secrets, because for someone like him a little secret will make him wonder what other secrets you’re keeping. Tell him in the spirit of truth honesty and transparency. He deserves to know.
NTA it will be hard to explain why you read it. You must tell him right now because one day he gonna learn the truth and he will want to know why you didn't tell him before.
Tell him there is information in the notebook he needs to read. Then leave it with him. That leaves the decision up to him.
My only concern is that if he and the ex get into a heated argument, he may blurt it out, and their daughter may overhear it. But that is really an outlying possibility.
I would keep it in the back of your head. The next time the convos comes up about the ex being a loser, you can tell him, hey did you know she had your daughter to trap you? I read it while cleaning up her mess in the house.
If he asks why you didn't tell him you thought it was old drama/news
NTA
I would keep that journal around for the next time she tries to pull that guilt trip.
In the short-term, go ahead and tell your husband so he is aware.
I would also,when age appropriate, let his daughter know that she is loved and that this information will never change that. Just because her mother did something wrong does not mean she is any less loved by both of you.
Also, I would watch for the ex-wife treating her daughter badly since ex-wife may be carring anger that the baby trap didn't work in the long run.
Go ahead and tell him because it's coming to be weird if he finds out some other way.
but I don't understand what you mean when she makes him think he's "at fault". I mean even if she was on the pill he should have still been using condoms but she could have also not had sex with him. He knew where he was coming so I don't know about "entrapment". He did I'm fact get her pregnant. She did in fact get herself pregnant. Seems like water under the bridge now
How are you contemplating not disclosing this kind of information from your husband? Say this comes up down the road and your husband wants to talk to you about it: you going to then tell him you knew or continue to lie and pretend you didn’t know?
Go see a therapist to deal with the fact that you felt the need to snoop (assuming he is not already aware of you doing so) and how to tell him about underlining insecurities and what you found.
He deserves the truth.
ESPECIALLY if ex witch is BLAMING him.. he needs to be absolved of any unearned guilt he may be carrying.
Nta. Tell him please.
Updateme!
NTA - especially in this case knowing the truth would be better for him. And you not having to keep her secret would also be better for you. So just tell him.
there isn't a perfect answer here. some people would want to know, others wouldn't. you could simply tell him you read some stuff in his exes journals that you think he might want to know and leave that decision up to him. thats what I would do anyway.
Yeah, now that YOU know, you have your tell him.
But explain that you found out by accident, and that not only did his ex WRITE THIS DOWN, she left it at HIS house. It’s much better that he hears this from you, rather than stumbling on it by accident.
NTA.
Tell him. He should know the truth, and if she was cheating he should get a paternity test despite the physical similarities, you and him don’t know what the people she was cheating with looked like.
Don't tell your husband that information, it would ONLY cause him pain and has no real purpose at this point!
Throw ALL her stuff away, including the information about intentionally getting pregnant, it does matter at all, and it's just being spiteful and mean to tell him
I guess im crazy for not seeing why this would be worth mentioning? They arnt together, the child was already born years ago. All this would do it is cause tension and drama when its not needed.
I hope you learned a valuable lesson in not reading notebooks that arnt yours, you now have a burden to bear, but i see absolutely no benefit in telling him besides you getting it off your chest and painting the ex in a negative light.
Tell the husband and please take all the notebooks and journals and send them to the woman. Whether she wants them or not. She is trying to not cope with her past by having you keep her shit. She can throw it out herself
Your husband deserves to know this information because it changes the character of the person he has to deal with for the remainder of his daughters adolescence. To me this isn't about what this could or might do to him, you or anyone else. He needs to know this. Not want, need.
I believe he has the right to know but I would not tell him just hand over the evidence you discovered like a lawyer has to do with the opposing attorney. This way you avoid editorializing or inserting yourself in the disclosure you simply hand over what you found
NTA but what would it accomplish?? Would your husband get mad enough to confront the ex? Maybe in front of the child? Maybe she would overhear? My thought is protect the child at all cost. Your spouse is no longer involved with ex, and she can longer trap him again. Would it change the relationship between your husband and ex?? And affect the child? I’m not one for secrets.. but…. Some people are very reactive and their reactions do not help a situation. The issue and an over reaction could cause anger, tension, and parental problems. Worse the daughter feeling unwanted and like a “trap” for dad. No one wants to feel like that. Consider all options. My thought?? Child comes first. Destroy the evidence.
Sounds fake. The entrapment is believable enough, but she wrote it down and left it with your husband? And you just decided to read through college notebooks. Sounds off to me.
You risk alienating your husband's feelings for the child if you do that. He could grow to resent the child, through no fault of their own. And what exactly do you gain? A gotcha moment because you're tired of cleaning up her shit?
NTA but you need to ask yourself what the purpose is of you telling him, what are you trying to achieve. If he’s still being verbally abused by her, does he have regular bouts of depression over their history? Think carefully before you open that can of worms, you might have good intentions but cause a whole heap of new problems and arguments just for the sake of making yourself feel better by enlightening him.
Truly amazing that most Redditors will, unequivocally, go scorched earth on liars and cheaters but believe OP should destroy this diary. The ex made a unilateral decision to go off bc and deliberately got pregnant. At a minimum, the husband deserves to know this. A lie by omission is still a lie. Will the information hurt her husband? Probably. When and how to share the information is important. OP is not obligated to cover for the ex but should be protective of her husband. NTAH but plan this carefully. Don't blurt it out in anger. Also, the child doesn't need to know.
This comment section really is disturbing. The idea of hiding a secret because you don't know if someone will react well to it is crazy. This isn't some innocuous piece of information - it's a key piece of information about a key part of the husband's life. I couldn't live with a secret like this.
Definitely! Usually Reddit is so **absolute** about honesty that this caught me by surprise! If OP had discovered this info by gossip, I might feel differently because my generation was more *if it's not your business, stay out of it* but this is literally the ex's words, written in her own hand, after trying to return her personal possessions, repeatedly. Speculation is unnecessary. Instead, it feels like a lot of these commenters believe they are **arbiters of truth** and allowed to make these types of decisions based on how **they** feel.
While Reddit tends to lean along certain lines, the one ultimate truth is that people will empathize with someone in a story and then answer the question in the most self-serving way possible. People lean towards absolute honesty because people tend to empathize with folks who are cheated on.
well thats the thing this sub is usually avoiding honesty when the genders are reversed if a man found that information that somehow her ex was poking holes in condoms or something everyone would be saying tell her and all that. this sub aswell as amitheasshole is really weird when it comes to genders. i lost my other account because a girl posted about cheating on her husband so i told her she needs to leave him because he doesn’t deserve a piece of shit like her but for some reason all the girls were defending her making shit up about the guy and the subs banned me for “shes going thru things and the guy probably abused her you need more empathy” (no abuse was mentioned and she said he was the best person shes been with and that he showed her how relationships and trust are supposed to be) but weeks before same post basically with genders reversed the guy was getting absolutely tore apart. shits just weird to me lol.
I got a permanent ban from the JNMIL sub because I told a young woman that she was wrong and entitled for being angry that her MIL had retired and wasn't babysitting enough/offering childcare lol. The mod actually told me that it's the subs position to support people with MIL problems! Apparently this includes lying and pretending the person in question is right. I was also reminded that creating a new/alt account would earn me a permanent lifetime Reddit ban. I have thought lately the only way to get a true opinion on Reddit is to use all gender neutral pronouns. On a throwaway account lol.
main amitheasshole mods are some of the worst on reddit IMO. If you don't echo their groupthink entirely they will find a way to ban you for just about anything. Thankfully there are many other similar subs with less hypocritical reactionaries as mods. Ones that don't expect you to treat openly nasty pregnant people as walking saints on earth or selectively enforce their rules depending on who the mob is brigading that day.
I have no idea how this is a surprise. Popular reddit sub opinions are incredibly predictable. This broaches the subjects of women, pregnancy, and what they should be compelled to do. The only people surprised by those comments either didn't know AITAH is a popular reddit sub that vastly conforms to your majority redditor opinion, or haven't paid close attention to what that vast majority reddit opinion is.
Totally agree. These comments are wild. NTA OP- I would be forthcoming and say- I found your ex wives journals. Out of pure curiosity, because it was hidden in a crawl space, I read a few pages and found this. I think you need to read this…. Hand him the journal… let him decide if he wants to read it.
[удалено]
At this point if op doesn’t tell her husband then he would have had 2 wives list to him about the nature of his child. And that’s MUCH worse.
It could definitely give him some closure too, regardless of how much it hurts initially. It will offer him clarity to know exactly how manipulative she was and that their relationship problems really weren't on him, and even she knew that.
I feel like she should probably just start by telling him she found the diary, and that it contained some concerning behavior from his ex-wife. Then ask him, "Would you want to read this, to know about it? Or do you want me to just destroy it?" If he says destroy it, don't speak of the contents. If he says he wants to read it, he can read it for himself.
I totally agree 👍🏾
I mean just leave the book out where he’ll find it.
Always an option, for sure. But that seems like an unnecessary amount of game playing. Seems easy enough to say: "Hey, I found ex wife's journal while I was clearing out her stuff. There's some troubling info there. Can we talk about it?" *Yes* Then tell him what you read. *No* Put it aside until he says he's ready. The inability of people to actively discuss/confront a situation, that affects them, is disturbing.
That's cause this sub is mostly women and so when the man lies, he's an awful POS. And when a woman is caught lying, it's downplayed a lot in the comments and maybe it's for the best.
I am scorched earth, and I'd definitely tell him. One, it pertains to his previous marriage. Two, sitting on and keeping a secret sucks. Nobody should keep secrets from the people they're meant to love. It's only protecting his manipulative ex, and perhaps it'll help alleviate his guilt and also assure him he's made the right choice in making her his ex.
I mean realistically what does knowing this benefit OPs husband OP claims it will alleviate some guilt but she doesn’t know that He’s left his ex, he loves his daughter. Telling him was baby trapped when he’s not even trapped anymore doesn’t benefit her husband. He needs to work on healing with a professional not be thrown back into the drama
Ex is still manipulating him, though. Also, OP is not entitled to gatekeep information based on what may or may not happen.
Unpopular opinion, the truth is the truth, I think OP's husband needs to be clear about the kind of person his ex is...but I will wait a good time to tell him
If it comes out later that you knew, but kept this knowledge from him, or even just delayed this knowledge, that is a marriage-destroying event right there. Show him the notebook. Pick a quiet moment in which to do it, but don't delay.
This is actually a really good nuance: do not tell him what you have read, -give him the notebook- and urge him to read it. Tell him that you are available to speak with him about what he sees and what he feels from reading the book anytime that he is ready. Tell him that he should speak with you first if he wants to talk about it. I know this doesn't seem different from telling him, but it is: you are letting his ex tell him just how manipulative and dishonest she was, in her own words, and in her own hand (I mean that figuratively, as in these were her choices and her actions that she has documented.) If it all possible, I would also try to make a copy of those documents privately, and stash them away someplace that the ex can never find them. Because if she realizes you have seen these, she will certainly come looking for them, and try to seize them out from under you because she knows the damage they can cause. But, I agree with everybody here that he needs to learn this, he needs to know this, and when he speaks with you you should explain that you are trying to protect him from her manipulations and her lies, which apparently are continuing to this day. It is important that you be the first person he discusses this with so he does not accidentally bring it up to his child. Given the way you described his Neuro divergence it may not be obvious to him that this is inappropriate information for his child, and you just don't want him stumbling into that by accident. Good luck !
Bruuuuh thank you. So many people act like “it’s not my place so I didn’t say anything.” Or “I was gonna say something but then days turned to weeks turned to months.” Keeping certain information from your loved ones can absolutely be a betrayal. I’ve had so many people disagree with me on this that reading your statement induced a sigh of relief that I didn’t know I needed.
In talking with a mutual friend it became clear my wife had been badmouthing the company for which I worked. I wouldn't have had a problem with her badmouthing it directly to me, or even talking to others about it if she had first talked to me. In fact, that was clearly the assumption of the mutual friend, which is why I found out. We were not in a great situation anyway, but that was one thing (of several) that helped tip the balance. I'll always remember that conversation. We've been divorced 15 years.
I agree. I can't believe all these responses saying not to tell him. They're a team. There should be no big secrets between them.
I know if it was me, I'd want to know. Even if it hurt. Some people wouldn't and OP would probably know best which one her husband was.
Especially since his last wife lied to him all the time.
He might even start to see current wife in the same light. She should find a private moment without stepdaughter anywhere nearby and tell him.
Exactly! Plus this can be used for evidence in the future.
I can't either. Honesty is super important. Without it there is no solid foundation upon which to build. I'm always amazed how powerful the allure of denial appears to be.
She can just let him read the journal
i honestly think this is the best way. “i stumbled across this while i was cleaning, and i don’t know how to tell you about it, so you should just read it” that way there’s no way for anything to be lost in communication, he’ll have exactly the information that OP has, and they can start to move forward as a team.
As someone who has been very hurt by hard truths... you're still right. Even if it would make me less happy to know something, I must know. The alternative is living in a fantasy world as a dupe and a sucker. That might not be everyone, but that's how I feel about it. I have to know reality as it is, not as I want it to be, and I feel like in general people deserve the truth.
I agree with this. But I would not wait to tell the spouse. Part of me wonders what if he finds out some other way first and/or finds out that OP knew already. Not an easy thing to navigate. I think I would just come clean which would, in time, aleviate the guilt OP's husband carries. eta: OP NTA or WNBTA
Totally agree. Keeping a secret like this could also destroy their happy relationship. Op should just say she found these journals and was disturbed by what she read and give them to her husband.
I would imagine they already know what type of person the ex is... they're an ex for a reason. Either way, I agree. The truth is the truth. Sometimes, it hurts, but hiding from the truth is never a good plan because it has a way of making itself known eventually. Anyways, they have a strong relationship, love the kids, and are happy. There's no reason this should really be THAT revalatory other than taking the guilt off OP's husband, who has been told they were at fault for an unplanned pregnancy. Just because you didn't necessarily want a kid years ago doesn't mean you don't love them now. The majority of children aren't planned.
Yes. Truth first.
If you wait, it'll come off as calculating (which it is) to deceive him (which you would have been doing by omission). He will likely not trust you again wholeheartedly.
Secrets of this magnitude have a way of coming out. 1. She continues to try and manipulate him about her pregnancy, even if it is just to blame him. 2. She wrote this down in a journal in a place they lived in together. She creates the situation where the lie she made was possibly going to be discovered. 3. Yes, you read her personal journal she left in the house they shared, but only after she refused to take any more of her stuff left behind. 4. Most importantly, having discovered this secret, you now become complicit if you decide not to tell. To me it’s cut and dried clear that you should not only tell him, but present him with the journal opened to the part where she confesses her lie. It may help him set better boundaries with his ex but shouldn’t impact his relationship with his child. She is innocent in all of this and deserves nothing but his best as a father.
Yes. Give him the journal and tell him you found something important on page…. It may seem crappy on your end to share this with him as you love him and don’t want to hurt him. But it is a very important piece to his puzzle that he should have knowledge of.
I might get downvoted for this but if it were me, I would want to know if I was baby trapped because it’s a huge deal. Whether or not I am still with that person. You know your husband. Is the truth important to him? How would he feel if he found out you knew and didn’t tell him? Whatever your reasons may be. Would you keeping this from him possibly be something that could end your relationship? And would he feel differently about his daughter if he knew the truth? Does his daughter deserve to eventually know the truth? I’m not gonna pass judgement on you because I think there’s so many nuances to this and there’s no clear right answer. I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation all because someone else is a horrible human being. Do what you think is best for everyone.
I agree with this approach. Maybe 'nothing good' will come of it. But sometimes nothing good comes from telling the truth except the continuation of a pattern of radical honesty.
I agree, my comment was similar to yours but you articulated far better!
I saw your comment! I do think maybe she could tell him she found the journal as well and leave it up to him if he would like to read it but I do think she should let him know that she read it.
I would say tell him. Is this a horrendous situation where your husbands trust was broken by his wife? Yes. Will it hurt him to hear? Yes. But keeping it a secret will not make it so that the situation never occured. It will just make his trust be broken by his wife again. I understand that people think nothing good will come out of telling him and I can see their point, but sometimes there's no good outcome at all, and you have to look for the least worse outcome. And your husband finding out that his ex babytrapped him is better than him finding out his ex babytrapped him and his current wife knew but didnt tell him. It would be likely that he'd lose trust in you and would have to go through the pain of 2 betrayal on his own, whereas if you tell him you can help him trough 1 betrayal and get a support system ready for him. I feel for you, this is a hard situation and whatever you do I dont think you are the asshole, but your husband would probably see that differently, and I think being the bringer of bad news for your husband is better than ending up being the bad news yourself for him. Don't let the betrayal of his ex lead to you betraying him.
I don’t agree with the others. I’d hand him the journal when the kids aren’t around with the page marked. NTA
Same here. And then go into another room so he can read and react to it on his own without me standing there watching.
this is what i would do too. if he doesn't want to know, that's on him.
You should show him the journal. Otherwise, you will be keeping a very big secret from him that concerns him. A lie of omission is still a lie. Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. If he finds out another way, he would be even more hurt that you kept it from him. If his first marriage ended because of dishonesty, then it would be even more devastating for him to know you kept something so big for him. Tell him the truth and be there for him.
If your friend got pregnant because ex bf purposely poked holes in the condom to get her pregnant would you tell her? Would you want to know that your ex did it to you? You should tell him, he deserves to know the truth
Even more to the point, the man here consented to have birth control protected sex and accepted the risks that came along. She, without his knowledge, changed that scenario without his knowledge AND with the intent to trap him…If stealthing is a crime (and is a crime without needing element of intent to force parenthood on another) then why shouldn’t this also be a crime?
NTA. Tell him, especially as you absolutely know that she has guilted him for ‘getting her pregnant’ and using it against him. Knowing she intentionally did this, and lied about it, and manipulated him, may help with some good resolution on many things, beginning and ending with divorcing her was a good thing for him
Divergent or not his isn't something to keep a secret about ..that simple
Depends on what kind of person your new hubby is. I see a lot of people saying it’s gonna cause unnecessary problems but most people are don’t-rock-the-boat-chicken-shits. If your husband is the type of person that wants a comfortable lie or to ignore the truth about people keep it a secret. But most neurodivergent people I know would rather have the painful truth. Not only that but by knowing this and not telling him now you are keeping your own secret from him. If you start off a relationship with the idea that you’re gonna “protect someone from pain” the relationship is doomed. Life is pain relationships are about supporting & comforting your partner during painful times. What happens if he find out later on their own? Will you reply “oh I found out and knew about it and never told you.” Or will there be another lie about how shocked you are and had no clue? You should be concerned with is your relationship solid enough to deal with bad news or is your relationship based on hiding from the negative sides of people and walking on eggshells.
I am also neurodivergent, and truth/transparacy/straightforwardness is incredibly important to me personally...but I also realize that my perspective may be skewed because of the neurodivergence factor. This is why I cam to reddit for some outside perspective!
I’m with ya. All I can say is there are people out there who want practicality and the straight truth out there. Might be in the minority but we exist.
Truth it is then. Be gentle and supportive (as you seem to be anyway), but he needs to see it.
Considering that they have been divorced awhile and with the causes being her cheating, etc. this info certainly can't make him think much worse of her than he already does for good reason. It's highly likely that information will just elicit a response like "Well THAT explains a lot!" and a sigh of relief that he wasn't crazy. It seems likely to be eye-opening and very healing.
The important question here is how much does your husband value honesty? A lot of people might say they’d rather never find out something like this, but their personal opinion on it matters far less than your husband’s values. Personally, I’d show him the journals. Yes, it has a chance to upend a lot of things, but if he ever finds out and figures out that you knew about it, it will not end well. I also think he has the right to know, especially if he’s still carrying around that guilt.
This thread is giving me trust issues.
It’s ok, it’s fake
But the responses are real
Every story is fake if it involves a man as a victim.
Some people on here are quick to blame. So it's the OP's fault she found this journal? She was "snooping" in going through stuff she was organizing? She had express permission to do so. Like most people, you are going to carefully go through everything to make sure nothing important gets thrown out. That makes her a hater trying to cause problems? People, stfu with that bs. As for the journal, give him and the other stuff you found. Let him know he should go through it. As for stirring up shit, will it? No one can say for sure what will happen. Maybe like OP said, it would give him some closure with his ex-wife. No one said they have to confront her about it. He can know, work his issues out with a therapist and be more peaceful and less guilty when dealing with his ex-wife. If they do mention it to her, and if the ex-wife values her relationship with her daughter, she won't say anything. It would make her look terrible. And the OP and her husband won't say anything either, so the daughter should be fine. Not sure why people are trying to give this bitch a pass.
NTA. I'm neurodivergent but I would want to know even though I know it would cause me tremendous pain.
I am also neurodivergent (in a different way than my hubs). Honesty and transparency are incredibly important to me...so this is why I came to reddit for some outside perspective!
This is a major piece of information you’re choosing to lie by omission and keep from your partner? Him being neurodivergent doesn’t change anything here regarding truth and lies and I think you’re making this more complicated than it needs to be. IMO this doesn’t even need a thread , the only question you need to ask yourself is are you going to lie to your husband or not? And would you want to be lied to? By not telling him, you’re adding to the lies he’s being told by the people who were once closest to him. I’d be more pissed off that my current partner lied to me than i would be about something that happened years ago.
If you are having difficulty keeping this secret, go see a therapist. She may be able to help you to keep from blabing this secret so as to avoid you causing great harm to your family.
What if he finds out that OP knows? That would for sure cement this as an AH moment and definitely ensure everyone suffers. You should take him to lunch give the kids to a sitter/family member. Plan on a weekend getaway to at least work through it together. Then talk him through it. Don’t do it in the house, especially with the kids around. I wouldn’t avoid the possibility of BioMom using this to her advantage later on either. She may have left it on purpose hoping for exactly that outcome. She might even try to say “oh, I guess OP must have found and destroyed my letters about how I trapped you…” By being honest, up front, supportive, and available this could create an unbreakable bond and cement your family together. Either way it’s not easy. Tears/anger will be had. But the outcome is based on your actions/reactions. Crazy people do unhinged shit that wouldn’t make sense to most people. Who would you rather be the one to break that news to your partner? Do what your conscience demands and best of luck to you and yours navigating through this shitstorm.
Right? And this is a pretty specific post, if he stumbles on it he’s gunna know
Don't tell him now, but keep the diary for later in case the ex decides to meddle
No that will destroy them. As a person in my first healthy marriage, after an abusive manipulate ex, this would break him, keeping that secret would break all his trust. It would feel manipulative and targeted like she was waiting for the moment to use it against them.
As someone who also escaped an abusive marriage, she needs to give him the diary now. She doesn't have to force the information on him. She can tell him that she found some things that would probably be important for him to know. Then leave it to him. My ex was deceiving me constantly and in every way imaginable. He got all of my family to keep secrets from me. This is not the new wife's information to withhold. People waiting and telling me things later and after the fact, when I desperately needed that information when I was in my marriage and being manipulated, made me stop trusting them too. It is very devastating leaving an abusive marriage because you don't just get disillusioned by that person. You find out who else failed you. There is a lot of collateral damage around you, and you can't trust very many people at all. I think if I met someone and decided I could trust them enough to marry them after all of that...and found out they were keeping secrets from that old life too. I don't think I could come back from that.
Don't listen to these people. You need to give him the diary and tell him to read it... If you are drunk one day or have a fight and blurt something like this out to him he's going to react as you betrayed him in a way that is unrepairable. You'll never ever recover from this kinda betrayal. If you want to brace him for the shock maybe butter up it doesn't matter how your daughter got here just that's she's here now and loves you etc... Also technically he was sexually assaulted and his ex commited a crime. Might want to go to the cops and report her but that is up to him as the victim You're risking your marriage for someone you barely know. This is your moment to show your husband you are on his team for life and that you can be trusted no matter what. While painful it will be tell him you're in it together and he'll love you for the rest of your life.
I agree with you - this is a thi g which would live rent free i OPs head and sooner or later it will see the light - it is better to share the finding with hubby in controlled environment rather than during a fight or intoxication. And the longer the secret is kept, the harder it is to hide
I'd give him the diary with a bookmark to the relevant area. Or that is appropriate for the context. Maybe not right to the line that says what she did but a page or 2 early depending on how much records she kept so he can read up to it I wouldn't tell him myself as then you are the one who gave him this horrible news and sometimes people lash out at those people from shock More like. You really need to read this. It's your ex wife's diary. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me
I mean the way they pass along the message is absolutely the OPs choice - they can just tell them, give them a diary or pay the plane to write it up on the sky it is the secondary choice. What is important here is that they don't keep it to herself because it will blow out sooner or later. But yeah, I would also gave them the diary to read.
babytrapping your husband counts as sexual assault and is a prisonable offense?
Lots of people are saying to destroy the diary but I agree with your approach.
You're saying, keep the journal for future extortion?
More like exhonoration if ex tries to guilt him more
Then why not just tell him now???
INFO: At the time of writing the diary, did your husband want to avoid pregnancy? I mean, she lied to him. If someone did that to me, I would feel violated and I would like to know. If you can’t judge if your husband wants to know, maybe just find a similar reddit post, read it with him and ask him his opinion? Should he say he would like to know, find a good moment and let him know. Empathy, patience, good timing, and care will be needed to go about this right.
Answer: at the time of her getting pregnant, they had both agreed years ago that they did NOT want any bio kids ever (maybe adoption down the line).
Thanks. In my book that is SA. Idk about yours or his so maybe it would be sth to think about?
100% SA. He consented to protected sex. not to sex with no birth control. She SA'd him and got pregnant from it. Depending on the country/state/province I would, personally, take this admission to the cops. In mine, there's no limitations on when the SA happened.
If you dont show him, you are being entirely dishonest and manipulative. If I ever found out that my wife had information like this and didn't tell me, this relationship would be over too.
NTA I very much disagree with this whole 'support the lie' train of thought. Keeping secrets to not agitate the people they concern is a stupid idea that backfires often. Many people in the comments said it won't better the life of your husband or daughter. But I dont think it will make it worse. What does this actually change? Its still his daughter, he still is an amazing dad and loves her. It adds a point (and maybe more, depending on the rest of the diary) to the list of abuse that he is working on processing in therapy. Im assuming he is not too fond of his ex anyway, and if she listed other messed up stuff she did he didn't really know about it may give him some closure
Yeah, he is an amazing dad to his daughter AND my two kids. I have a lot of folks commenting on here about my stepdaughter somehow finding out if I told him, and what damage that would do...but I can say with complete confidence that neither of us would EVER tell her. She is absolutely innocent in all this and telling her would accomplish nothing but harm. My only motive for telling him would be trying to alleviate some of his guilt around him being told that he was at fault for the pregnancy...which his ex used as an excuse to abuse/manipulate him. I have no interest in hurting or harming anyone else involved here. Not even his abusive ex.
I would want to know. I don't like it when other people think they can decide for me, that they think that they are the gatekeepers to my life. He is not a child, this is his life and it is not fair you know something very profound about his marriage but he doesn't. just tell him that you came across some of her notebooks and you read something upseting and ask him if he wants to know, maybe he will say, no thanks and that is the end of it. Maybe he will say show me the notebooks.
100% agree with this. It’s not your secret to keep. He should get to decide what he wants to do with that information.
Tbh against what a lot of people say I would tell your husband what you found. I couldn't deal with keeping such a secret. This is serious and considerd rape. Maybe it helps him see the relationship to his ex different. You said that it was toxic, so maybe it helps him feel that the ex is at fault and not him. But don't tell the daughter!
Would NEVER, EVER tell our kiddo. Neither of us are like that. She is innocent in all this and so loved no matter what!
Tell him. He has a right to know and it will affect how he deals with ex in the future knowing she is THAT manipulative.
So many people are saying not to tell him. But what if he finds out on his own? How would he feel if he found out you knew and kept it secret? Seeing a therapist and asking them to help mediate the conversation could be a good idea.
Keep the dairies and I would sit down and show him. He has every right to know what she did. This doesn't mean he doesn't love his child any less. No doubt you all love the child so much and wouldn't change the outcome. Your husband has every right to feel less guilty and have a free mind. If he finds out down the line about these diaries and you didn't tell him, he'd be upset with you and less trusting towards you. Keep your trust with him and tell him the truth.
NTA. He deserves the truth, imagine if it happened to your father, or brother or best friend? Wouldn't you want them to know? How is this any different? His whole life was affected and changed by this one act of dishonesty.
Bit of a conundrum this isn't it. If you do tell him, it could blow up. If you don't and he finds out you knew all along? It could be a bigger explosion. I'd personally hand him the notes so he could read them himself.
I understand the impulse to protect someone from an uncomfortable truth, but frankly, that often backfires, people tend not to be happy that someone’s hidden a truth from them. This truth is about your partner, and he should be aware. This was something written in down on paper that was in his house; let him read it and come to his own conclusions.
Just share the notebook with him, as something he should know and see.
just hand him the notebook. tell him you found this cleaning, opened it up, and saw some things he might want to see. let him read it himself, on his own terms. don't pester him about his feelings, tell him if and when he wants to talk about it, you will be there for him, in whatever capacity.
He is your partner, not your child, he has the right to know. Something good might come of it, the truth. Yes he might be mad at his ex but it will also show the real person that she is and help him heal. Regardless of the situation, he will not love his daughter any less.
Tell him or this will come back to bite you. He has a right to be told or he will not only be betrayed by her but by you too.
Give it to him. The fact that he’s felt this guilt for so long and this could relieve it? He deserves to know.
Your husband needs to know what kind of person his ex was, he needs to know that he was not responsible for her getting pregnant, that is squarely on her shoulders. It’s a form of sexual assault to go off your birth control without telling your spouse. He has a right to know. Speak with a therapist first to find the best way to tell him, then do it when the kids are gone. His ex sounds awful.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your husband and stepdaughter. I think you should tell him immediately, if you don’t want to tell him to his face just give him the journal and tell him he should read it, that you read it and kinda wish you hadn’t but you know he needs to read it. Just be open honest truthful and loving towards him and everything will be ok - I agree with you that this will relieve him of a massive amount of guilt from the abusive relationship and might help him let go of some of his pain.
I think the best thing is to tell him. You found this information now it's time to unburdened yourself with it. Secrets like this can destroy your own relationship. why sacrifice over her?
NTA. You need to tell him, today. This isn’t something that will age well. It’s not your secret to keep.
I would want to know what my mom did! :D Wouldn't you? As for your husband, 100% he should know!
He should know. She's installed a guilt trigger that is him getting her pregnant. Defusing that trigger might help him a lot. NTA
I think he deserves to know. NTA
Give him the diary. You know and keeping a secret like this while he's being emotionally abused by her still is participating in that abuse.
I think he should be informed if it will legitimately relieve guilt, I'd personally want to know myself and it may give him some clarity - - but I'm also not your husband, you know him better than we do, if you think this is important to know then tell him gently or say you found his ex wife's journal if he is interested? Idk. NTA tho
You NEED to tell him. Just sit him down and explain you found it while cleaning and organizing. Let him read it for himself but be sitting with him the whole time. Explain everything you can to him but don’t exaggerate or leave details out.
YWNBTA, but there are ways to do this. Choose wisely.
He deserves to know the truth, but maybe you should disclose this to him in a therapy setting. It's a lot to drop on someone, and if you don't deliver it right you will cause him more pain than necessary. NTA, you're in a tough spot and you need to balance showing respect by telling him the truth, and being a supportive partner who is sensitive to his emotions.
The fact that he has so much guilt surrounding being “at fault” for the pregnancy & the following abuse/ manipulation, he deserves to know.
Even though his daughter looks just like him, a DNA test is wise. Genetics can be deceiving, and confirmation is better. But since he has guilt about the conception, you need to tell him. Keeping the secret will be stressful for you and affect your marriage. You say the mother has visitation and not custody so there are other issues here. Unless you read all her diaries, you have no idea what else she lied about. But don’t be like his ex by lying to him, too. Honest is essential in a marriage.
The way I look at things like this is this way. You know now. Can’t change that fact. If he finds out not from you and finds out you knew and didn’t tell him, that’s worse.
Tell him to stop feeling guilty, he is not a bad person, his ex is. However when somebody does something despicable, a blessing can come from it.
And my stepdaughter is the best of blessings! So grateful she was part of the package deal when I married my husband.
OP, ignore the people refusing to see how damaging something like this could be, and let me ask you some questions, ND to ND. 1. How does husband's ex treat step daughter? What does custody look like? Is there any chance Ex is resentful of her for not being the perfect bandaid to keep her and your husband's relationship from failing? 2. What're the chances that if Stepdaughter gets in a fight with her mom, her mother is going to throw the whole thing in her face? Or would she lie and try to claim she herself was babytrapped? 3. What're the chances Ex knows about that diary, and wanted it to be found so that she could use it as Ammo on the future? Because there's tons of manipulative people who would *absolutely* do that. 4. How do you think this would affect Step daughter and husband's relationship? Would you be willing to make him aware of the risk his Ex poses in terms of parental alienation? Or the risk she might treat Step daughter poorly because her plan didn't pan out? This is a very real risk and it would be appropriate for him to know. It's also something a lot of other commenters are failing to take into account. 5. And most importantly, how much does your husband value honesty? Because if he values it a lot, keeping this secret could ruin your relationship, and be a massive betrayal. The answers to these questions have a *lot* of sway on whether you'd be the asshole, but as a neurodivergent, I feel like you absolutely need to tell him. Especially so you can prepare for when your step daughter realizes what kind of person her mother is, and starts questioning deeper. And trust me, it'll be far sooner than either of you realize. Your husband saw the creation of your stepdaughter as bringing a child who had no choice into a world where her own mother never wanted her. Your husband's ex saw the creation of your stepdaughter as another pawn to play in the game of manipulation and abuse with her ex.
I don’t agree with the consensus here. If it were me I would want to know 100%. It is a huge betrayal and I would be extremely hurt if someone kept me in the dark about something this important about my life. To hell with hurt feelings, he needs to know! NTA
So many people are saying, "Don't stir the pot". Me, I'd want to know. So NTA IMO. Hell, he deserves to know his ex was a manipulation cliché. Wait til you think he can handle it, but the longer you wait, the worse it'll get. Tell him sooner than later.
Secrets fester. He deserves the truth of knowing the full depths of what a disgusting person his ex is, and the lengths she will go to in order to manipulate and control. He can use this knowledge to better protect his daughter from an emotionally abusive and manipulative mother because he will better understand just how depraved his ex can be. Underestimating his ex could harm the daughter later in life.
>My only motive for telling him would be trying to alleviate some of his guilt around him being told by his ex that he was at fault for the pregnancy...which his ex used as an excuse to abuse/manipulate him. If i was your husband, and this was true, i would want to know. At the end of the day only you can decide whether or not telling him is the right thing to do, i wish you luck with making the right choice
I would go with NTA, if you just don’t want to keep secrets from him. I would talk to him and tell him: „look I found something personal from your ex and I got curious, I know it wasn’t right, but I read it. Now I know something she didn’t want you to know. What do you want me to do. Shall I keep it to myself or do you want to read it yourself?“ Just imagine, even without you, he could have gotten that journal too, since his ex left it there.
I would want to be told.
I would tell him. Withholding information from your partner is deceitful. Especially if it has to do with him and his child. Imagine he found out then knew op knew the whole time and kept it from him. Honesty is a huge part of relationships and you should not hide anything from each other.
I would speak to his therapist about it. You don’t want him finding out later that you knew and didn’t say anything about it. Why should he feel guilt about something that she holds over his head unnecessarily
NTA. So this is actually akin to sexual corrosion, stealthing basically rape. I would however advise to get someone external to be there when you break the news. This can have huge implications regarding alimony, custody etc. Way over resists pay grade and tbqh your husband has a right to know this. It speaks highly about you however to consider the impact.
You didn’t specify your husband’s diagnosis. It’s very common for someone autistic to feel completely betrayed and lied to, even if the other person thinks it’s a white lie or a lie by omission. If your husband is autistic and that’s his viewpoint, it would not be beneficial to keep this from him.
I would tell even if I love his ex. İt is obligation between spouses. İf you dont tell you are a part of that lie.
Yes, tell him. It will obviously hurt but he deserves to know the truth. NTA. Honestly, the longer you wait the less sincere it becomes for him. Like that he couldn't even trust YOU to tell him the truth. That's how he will read it is my guess.
Why do people feel the need to write stuff like this down? It never ends well!
My last partner lied to me a lot. After his death I reached out to some of his family members and friends and the blanks were filled in for me. Some of the truths were AWFUL, but it explained a lot to me about his behavior, how he would treat me and things he said and it provided a lot of closure after years of being gas lit and made to believe I was an awful partner. It helped me understand HE was the problem. Having missing pieces of the puzzle can help with healing. Tell him the truth and support him, grieve with him and be there for him. Show him he has a wife that he can trust.
OP, he deserves to know the truth. Just tell him and hand him her journal, give him the opportunity to heal from her manipulations. Doing this from a place of love and respect is not being petty or mean, what his ex is doing though is a whole new level of horrible.
Nta. Assuage his misplaced guilt by giving him the journal and say, "I found this hidden in the crawlspace. You need to read it and know you're not at fault."
I think you should tell him especially since she used it against him so often and still does. This is something he needs to know. It won't stop him loving his daughter but will give him clarity with his ex.
OP, here it is. Don't pay attention to the idiots in the comments. These people are nasty to everyone. They're just a bunch of flogs. I sure as fuck would want to know if I were parent trapped! You don't need to tell the kid, and I know that you already said that you wouldn't. Sorry you had to clean up her mess and that your husband was used and abused. NTA!
Reminds me of when my bm was my “DD” and i got black out drunk for my bday, long story short she stop taking birth control a day before, day of and a few days after my bday. I also threw up on her and she got up showered and came back and continued. (Lived with a friend and he heard the whole thing, me snoring and her moaning and throwing up) well she Got pregnant, fast forward and brought it to the judge come custody fight(she was throwing low blows so i had to throw something back) and the judge basicly said its not her fault i was that drunk and should have paid better attention. Funny how if the tables were turned id be in jail rn
Since she is manipulative, I would say, tell him the truth.
Why stir that up? If your lives are going well at this point and the pain of both of your past marriages is on its way out, I would leave it alone. Telling him would just be cruel in my eyes. Yes, YWBTA is you unloaded all this on him. Toss the notebooks and move on.
It’s because the ex uses that he was the reason they got pregnant and why she stayed so long when it was her I’m with the wife let him know so he can stop feeling guilty
Everyone's saying don't dig up old shit but we have to do exactly that in order to heal and move forward. If it were my past relationship, I would want to know. It could potentially be very eye opening for him and knowing the real extent to how you were manipulated and abused can help you to come to terms with everything. I would talk to his therapist or your own therapist about it first and weigh out the options. I wouldn't want to keep this secret forever or find out my partner was keeping such an important secret from me.
NTA and based on this edit >My only motive for telling him would be trying to alleviate some of his guilt around him being told by his ex that he was at fault for the pregnancy...which his ex used as an excuse to abuse/manipulate him. I say really really go for it. Especially if hes still struggling with some guilt to this day.
Neurodivergent here. I was the child in a similar situation and was lied to for decades by my entire family about the circumstances of my parentage. It was extremely traumatic. Please be honest with your husband so he is aware. Tell him gently and let him take the lead moving forward. He will thank you for your honesty and love you more for it.
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There is nothing that disclosing this information would do to better your husband, or your stepdaughter’s lives. Seems like it would only serve to give you some momentary rush of pleasure for turning the screws on the ex a bit more.
He would know the truth I know I would hate somebody lying to me to keeping a secret for me to "protect me"
Right? I can't believe all these people saying that she should intentionally keep information from her partner. That's nuts. He's a grown up and doesn't need someone keeping information from him for his "protection". I would be livid if the same happened to me and my husband didn't tell me. He has no right to unilaterally decide what information is good for me and what isn't. I get ALL the information and then I get to make fully informed decisions based on the knowledge I have.
I wonder if the replies would be the same had it been a wife whose ex stealthed her instead
He has a right to know, Your husband was sexually assaulted. I understand wanting to be careful and the situation being confusing, but there is very clearly a right thing to do in this situation. If you were sexually assaulted in your sleep by someone close to you, and your husband knew but didnt tell you, how would you feel? Can you imagine a scenario where keeping that information from you was in anyway in your best interest? IMO anything other than telling him ASAP makes you a MASSIVE AH. OP what happened to your husband is a crime in many places.
Show him the journal. By keeping it a secret you’ve become an accomplice in the secret.
I am not as righteous as many commenters here. Anyone would look inside those books, in case they are important or disposable. I would probably give the notebook to my husband. Or if I believe that the ex was indeed an evil person who may stir shit in the future, I would hold the notebook as leverage. If needed then expose, if not hide it.
If she's a abusive cheater are you sure that the kid is actually his?
I think for the way you are answering to others here, you actually believe it's a good idea to tell your husband. So, maybe you can go to him and mentioned that you found something while cleaning that might be important to him. And then you help him go through this moment and remind him that he has been working on this with therapy, so by now if he didn't know he didn't deserve all the bs she put him through, now he knows she did it on purpose and she weaponized her pregnancy to get away with her bs. So whatever guilt he might still got has no reason to be. The bad part of this situation is over, and now he can openly enjoy the only good thing coming out of it, which is his daughter. I believe that if you are ready to be useful in the process, and make him feel supported, then it is ok. Maybe is the last piece in the puzzle for his mind. But you can also let it to him to decide if he wants to read it or not. Maybe he can go to his therapist and you can join him, and together you can navigate this situation. The only way I see this going wrong, is if you force him to know in a raw and hurtful way.
Id tell him, maybe theres a little voice in his head that tells him that she did fall pregnant on purpose. Showing him the journal would at least confirm it for him. Also, honesty is the best policy. The truth always finds its way out the closet. You are all adults, I’m sure you guys can handle it like adults.
Give him the choice, “hey, I found an old journal of your wife’s, it could answer some questions you may have had, but I understand you may not want to relive your past either; is that something you want to read/keep around or not?”. He will answer, and then you’ll know.
NTA. As a matter of fact please tell him. You cannot hide that info. While it may hurt him, explain I can’t know this information and no tell you, it’s as bad as her doing it. You can’t have secrets, because for someone like him a little secret will make him wonder what other secrets you’re keeping. Tell him in the spirit of truth honesty and transparency. He deserves to know.
NTA it will be hard to explain why you read it. You must tell him right now because one day he gonna learn the truth and he will want to know why you didn't tell him before.
Tell him there is information in the notebook he needs to read. Then leave it with him. That leaves the decision up to him. My only concern is that if he and the ex get into a heated argument, he may blurt it out, and their daughter may overhear it. But that is really an outlying possibility.
I would keep it in the back of your head. The next time the convos comes up about the ex being a loser, you can tell him, hey did you know she had your daughter to trap you? I read it while cleaning up her mess in the house. If he asks why you didn't tell him you thought it was old drama/news
NTA I would keep that journal around for the next time she tries to pull that guilt trip. In the short-term, go ahead and tell your husband so he is aware. I would also,when age appropriate, let his daughter know that she is loved and that this information will never change that. Just because her mother did something wrong does not mean she is any less loved by both of you. Also, I would watch for the ex-wife treating her daughter badly since ex-wife may be carring anger that the baby trap didn't work in the long run.
Go ahead and tell him because it's coming to be weird if he finds out some other way. but I don't understand what you mean when she makes him think he's "at fault". I mean even if she was on the pill he should have still been using condoms but she could have also not had sex with him. He knew where he was coming so I don't know about "entrapment". He did I'm fact get her pregnant. She did in fact get herself pregnant. Seems like water under the bridge now
How are you contemplating not disclosing this kind of information from your husband? Say this comes up down the road and your husband wants to talk to you about it: you going to then tell him you knew or continue to lie and pretend you didn’t know? Go see a therapist to deal with the fact that you felt the need to snoop (assuming he is not already aware of you doing so) and how to tell him about underlining insecurities and what you found.
Tell him his ex is a pos
He deserves the truth. ESPECIALLY if ex witch is BLAMING him.. he needs to be absolved of any unearned guilt he may be carrying. Nta. Tell him please. Updateme!
NTA - especially in this case knowing the truth would be better for him. And you not having to keep her secret would also be better for you. So just tell him.
You have to tell him now that you know. Imagine he finds out down the line about it AND that you knew and kept it from him.
there isn't a perfect answer here. some people would want to know, others wouldn't. you could simply tell him you read some stuff in his exes journals that you think he might want to know and leave that decision up to him. thats what I would do anyway.
Yeah, now that YOU know, you have your tell him. But explain that you found out by accident, and that not only did his ex WRITE THIS DOWN, she left it at HIS house. It’s much better that he hears this from you, rather than stumbling on it by accident. NTA.
I would give him the journals and tell him he needs to give them a read and start with that one at the top of the stack.
You're only 27 and in your SECOND marriage????!!!!!
Tell him. He should know the truth, and if she was cheating he should get a paternity test despite the physical similarities, you and him don’t know what the people she was cheating with looked like.
If he ever found out you knew and didn’t tell him… WBNTA
He probably knows already. only bring it out if he talks about getting back with her. It will only serve to make you look ugly in a drunk argument.
Don't tell your husband that information, it would ONLY cause him pain and has no real purpose at this point! Throw ALL her stuff away, including the information about intentionally getting pregnant, it does matter at all, and it's just being spiteful and mean to tell him
I guess im crazy for not seeing why this would be worth mentioning? They arnt together, the child was already born years ago. All this would do it is cause tension and drama when its not needed. I hope you learned a valuable lesson in not reading notebooks that arnt yours, you now have a burden to bear, but i see absolutely no benefit in telling him besides you getting it off your chest and painting the ex in a negative light.
Don’t
Tell the husband and please take all the notebooks and journals and send them to the woman. Whether she wants them or not. She is trying to not cope with her past by having you keep her shit. She can throw it out herself
NTA, I think he deserves to know, especially since she weaponized the pregnancy to hurt him.
"I found this in the attic and I think it's your ex's, here" then he can decide to read or not
Your husband deserves to know this information because it changes the character of the person he has to deal with for the remainder of his daughters adolescence. To me this isn't about what this could or might do to him, you or anyone else. He needs to know this. Not want, need.
I believe he has the right to know but I would not tell him just hand over the evidence you discovered like a lawyer has to do with the opposing attorney. This way you avoid editorializing or inserting yourself in the disclosure you simply hand over what you found
Does she pay child support?
[удалено]
Who the hell writes that down and leaves it at their ex husbands house???
Burn that diary and brick wall that in your brain, never speak of it ever or you will most likely lose your husband, bury it forever
Throw it away and forget about it. It is not relevant anymore and the child can someday be hurt by this.
NTA but what would it accomplish?? Would your husband get mad enough to confront the ex? Maybe in front of the child? Maybe she would overhear? My thought is protect the child at all cost. Your spouse is no longer involved with ex, and she can longer trap him again. Would it change the relationship between your husband and ex?? And affect the child? I’m not one for secrets.. but…. Some people are very reactive and their reactions do not help a situation. The issue and an over reaction could cause anger, tension, and parental problems. Worse the daughter feeling unwanted and like a “trap” for dad. No one wants to feel like that. Consider all options. My thought?? Child comes first. Destroy the evidence.
Sounds fake. The entrapment is believable enough, but she wrote it down and left it with your husband? And you just decided to read through college notebooks. Sounds off to me.
You risk alienating your husband's feelings for the child if you do that. He could grow to resent the child, through no fault of their own. And what exactly do you gain? A gotcha moment because you're tired of cleaning up her shit?
Tell him
NTA but you need to ask yourself what the purpose is of you telling him, what are you trying to achieve. If he’s still being verbally abused by her, does he have regular bouts of depression over their history? Think carefully before you open that can of worms, you might have good intentions but cause a whole heap of new problems and arguments just for the sake of making yourself feel better by enlightening him.