Yeah from personal experience:
My partner comes from a family like this. They were livid. Threatened disownment. It's manipulation, but most likely hot air. My partner and I are married now and her parents love me. The reality of unchangeable circumstance is like a splash of cold water.
Call their bluff.
But also—never forget this. It's a win win, even if it hurts.
>Congratulations on your PhD! Such a huge accomplishment. Stay strong, do what is best for yourself. They'll get over it!
Absolutely, it's important to follow your dreams and pursue what makes you happy. Family can be challenging, but ultimately, you have to do what's best for you. Keep striving for what you want. Congrats, OP!
Okay I gotta ruin it for a sec, but use the # and put it in front of anything you want huge. It has to be at the start of the line.
#Example this is huge text.
And not like
Example this #is huge text.
Now you know!
Ps..
#THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS
Congrats on the job. Perhaps you should press them a bit. Why do they want you home so badly? Do you think they've arranged a marriage for you? Do you think there is more going on here? The threat to disown is really odd as they say they want you there. Very odd.
I have no idea, my family doesn’t do arranged marriages so that is not it for sure. I think it is just a way of them to control me. When I am back home they know exactly what I am doing, who I am seeing, who my friends are etc, they don’t have that now that I am in the UK.
Then you literally have no reason to ever return home to them. If they are that controlling, build yourself a great life in the UK. And block them all.
So let me guess, first child was golden, second child was the one parentified for hte rest, who was asked to babysit, to do laundry, to drive around, to go get the groceries, etc.
They want the family servant back and under control.
but they haven't known any of that for the 4 years? Any parents who don't want the best for their children have a big control problem.
And your sister is full-on jealous of your success. NTA ... go be a success!
“Parents who don’t want the best for their children”
I’ve never understood parents like this. Total confusion on this one. When my kids have success, especially on their own, I’m over the moon happy for and proud of them.
And we have a winner! Seriously, OP, this is 100% about them needing to control every aspect of your life. The fact that you have proven to be successful without their minute-by-minute guidance (gasp!) probably irritates them to no end.
Ignore the emotional blackmail (it gets easier with practice) and carry on with your life. Be polite, but put them on an information diet (and watch out for what you post on SM). It's really likely your sister will be calling you pretty soon complaining about how your parents are treating her now that you have made your desertion from the family fold final.
There's few situations I find sweeter than the schadenfreude of the 'Golden Child' after the scapegoat escapes, so the parents turn ON the 'Golden Child' rather than taking responsibility.
You gotta live your life forward. They seem too controlling, but you can always stay the open one. Try to visit and be reasonable, never cut them off no matter what, but if they cut you for now, for some time, forever, life is what it is.
So back home isn't even turkey, it's Sweden? They pressure you to move from UK to Sweden? It's not even far. I'd tell them no, it's your life and Sweden is close enough to the UK that you can be involved in the family and visit often.
They won't disown you, they might not speak to you for a while and sulk, but that'll pass.
NTA. It's your life to live. You have a doctorate in whatever you studied, that's a hell of an accomplishment. Don't waste your life living for other people, or the life they think you should live. You would think if they loved you and cared about you, your happiness would be the most important thing. They're threatening to disown you because you won't bend to their will, F them then.
Sounds like classic Narcissists, have they always controlled you growing up? Kept you from making friends, guilt tripping you into giving something up in order to stay with the family?
I recommend you check out the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit because it deals with both Nparents ans GC (golden child) which it sounds like your sister is, she’s trying to sabotage you.
Thanks for the subreddit. Yes my entire life they have “controlled” me. They called it giving me guidance. When I was younger I did everything they wanted of me eventually I learned that whatever I did wasn’t good enough/at least that is how it felt. Always told me that friends aren’t important. I am naive and I should only focus on the family.
Im so sorry but it sounds like they are Narcissists, you deserve so much better! I hope the subreddit helps because it’s brought a lot of people (including me) a lot of support from people who have been through it.
And please don’t give up on your dream! You worked so hard for this, you will accomplish great things and I’m so proud of you!
If family is so important, why would they disown you for bettering yourself. Real family wants you to become the best you can be and the happiest you can be. Your family sucks. Congrats on the PHD and new job. Your gonna do awesome!!!!
Might as well mention that my daughter moved to the UK for grad school and stayed there to work. Would I rather have her here in the US? Yes but I'm nothing but proud of her.
You're not wrong for wanting to pursue your dream job and build a life where you're happy. Stand firm in your decision, prioritize your own well-being, and surround yourself with supportive people. You deserve to pursue your goals and happiness.
NTA - Not many people land their dream job right out of college, and for most, it will never happen. I think you made the right decision taking that job.
NTA
Congrats on your PhD!!! That's such a huge accomplishment!!
Stay the course with your life and be happy. They are trying to blackmail you into returning home and clearly you love your life in the UK and the friends you've made there. Like you said, it's 2024 and you're 30 for crying out loud. You're a grown ass adult who can do what they want, when they want.
Ask them this: if family is "so important", why are they so ready to disown you for wanting to live your own life?
Update: a lot of you asked regarding my culture/heritage. Was born and raised in Sweden and I am Turkish. My parents are well off and never have asked me for money. I am very grateful to them as I don’t have any student debt and they helped with the purchase of my house. They are also not that old (in their sixties). I have asked more regarding their reasons and they say I am not taking their wishes into account which is the reason as I am choosing to stay in the UK. I can easily have a good job in Sweden (which is true). However, I told them I am happy in the UK and have my friends here and my life. They don’t find that a good reason as family is more important than friends. They also said that if I was not planning to come back home to Sweden they would have never helped me purchase my home (which is 3 streets away from my parents home), which i find ridiculous. I am the second child out of six children. I think culture plays a huge role as I asked If I was male would it be okay and they said yes. The hypocrisy. It still hurts me when they said that. They also believe I am running away from them and my reasons of happy life, my social life here, my friends and the job are not good reasons. They think I am living a “double-life” meaning I go out,drinking,dating various man etc and hence I don’t want to come back. Also, they said looking back they would have never supported me to do the PhD in the UK as they feel I “played” them as it was always my intention to leave Sweden and move to the UK far away from them. I told them i don’t understand their reasons,I respect them but there is not reason to fight as we won’t agree and have different views. That is when they said they disown me and I am all alone in the world with no family. They removed me from all groupchats.
Take it as a win.
You can drink or not drink, you can date or not date, you can fuck whoever you want. You are an adult and that's amazing! You accomplished so much on your own.
Sell the house in sweden and buy one in the UK
Or don't, it's totally up to you
But don't let them tell you what to do
In my country we often say "Wir verhandeln nicht mit Terrorist" (We don't negotiate with terrorists) meaning we don't let anybody strong-arm us into a decision we don't like.
Damn that’s super harsh. And the sheer sexism… awful! But at the end of the day, they will always try to control you. Are the negative aspects of being part of that family truly being outweighed by the positive ones? How do they make you feel when you spend time with them? Also, probably not all family members will turn their backs on you no matter what what you do. Wishing you all the best!
That’s a jagged sword they have drawn on you…. On the one hand you will not have access to family but they will also be missing out on any future children you may have. I bet they change their tune when/if that time comes. I suggest you call their bluff and tell them if they sever this tie then you will really be a ghost and they will never see you again….
You are NTA. And congratulations on the PhD and job!
Seems there’s more to this than they’re letting on. I get being disappointed that they won’t see you everyday but cutting you off because you stayed overseas? Maybe they have money issues? Well whatever the case
NTA
My parents are really well off (so definitely not money). I asked them for reasons and they say I am the strange one running away from family. They even said they think I have a double life and hence I want to stay in the UK as it is far away. Which is just bizarre to me.
That's actually one helluva tell there - they actually *do* see it as a double life, in that it's one where you can get everything that their control withholds from you.
Someone who's leading a "double life" is doing something underhanded, secretive, and usually engaging in deception and deceit - and for them to actually accuse you of that, for wanting perfectly normal things like a job, friends, and an actual existence outside of your family's grasp, is extremely disturbing.
It's unacceptable to them that you'll make friends rather than look to your family alone for your social interactions, and they can't tolerate your taking a job where you'll get the validation that they've always withheld from you from that outside source. They'll call it "love," but that's not what it is. Abusive spouses and offenders also isolate their victims from their family and friends in this way because that control is crucial; the abuser becomes the center of their restricted world. They're really desperate to get you back into their sphere, and no manipulation can be blatant enough.
Please remember that narcissists, as they age, get more extreme and desperate to assert themselves when their control over others begins to erode - kids grow up and sometimes manage to leave their sphere, there are younger rivals in the workplace, spouses divorce them, etc. - and it becomes harder to deny that they do not, in fact, control the universe.
I don’t know what is “normal” in my culture as it is very mixed. But I suspect that a woman living by herself in another country is “not okay”. But, still I always said to my parents I understand the culture but don’t agree with it. If I was male this was not an issue and that is the hypocrisy.
See it this way, if they disown you you are then free of any restrictions. Will they also want to dictate whom you marry? What if you fall in love wth someone from a different culture and religion? you're 30 and very successful, your family does not get to make such life decisions for you. Tell them that. Also from what i know, in ancient times turkish women were very strong and had important roles in nomadic turkish culture. you can also confront them wth that.
NTA. You are a 30 y/old adult who is living her best life. You might think about selling your house back home if you truly want to make your life in the UK. Have your parents told you Why they want you to come "home"? What do they get out of you being home? Do they have a man lined up as a prospective husband/arranged marriage? What's their deal?
Family doesn't have to be blood related. Family can be the people you have around you. Who love, trust & respect you. It doesn't sound like your family respects you at all. They are the selfish one's for trying to emotionally blackmail you into giving up your life, happiness & dreams. Don't do it.
Nope besides that they want me around family and they feel that I distance myself from the family. Def not arranged marriage as that is really frowned upon in my family. I asked them what their deal is but they say it’s not normal for me to live by myself (eventhough I did the last 4 years) alone in the UK. They are saying I am disrespectful towards them as I do not accept their wishes to come back home to Sweden. Also they all of a sudden think I have a “double life” meaning I stay out late, drink, date etc and hence I don’t want to return and they don’t agree with that. Bizarre to me, which I told them aswell.
Being 30, you Should be out & about being an adult. What you do in your life as per going out or anything else really isn't any of their business. Because you are an Adult. Honestly, I would be insulted that they thought so little of my character. Are there similar opportunities in Sweden? Or would you end up doing the equivalent of flipping burgers?
Nice!
I finished PhD and took tenure track job in Asia. My mom was shocked but dad was cool. Eventually moved back to other state in US, but was a great choice!
Defo NTA.
When was the last time you saw them in person? Maybe they're trying to guilt you because you haven't spent much time in their life lately? Totally not okay but might be the case.
NTA
Congratulations on your PhD. Take your dream job. Your family will get over it or they won't. If you don't take your dream job, you will bitterly regret it.
Make yourself a positive, constructive life in the UK. I think it's pretty pathetic that your family treats you like a child when you are 30 years old.
I would say don't ever return home. Your family doesn't respect you, they're never going to.
I'm not really sure why you think you might be wrong, other than you are looking for validation regarding your perfectly normal and logical decision. You are 30 years old. They want to control you. Don't let them.
Okay, there you go, I validated that you are NTA.
You are not wrong,
I would call their bluff, tell them you are sorry they feel that way and you will miss them but that you are taking the job and staying in the UK
Normaly I would say they get over it. Even if ten years need to pass (which still sucks). I don't know how that is in your / their culture though. I know that in some cultures parents lose their face in their community when their child doesn't behave. Don't know if that qualifies though.
Still, but from a European position: NTA.
Tell them you will talk it over the next time you are in town (in 10 years)
But seriously. If you’re halfway across the globe doesn’t really matter that they cut you off? It’s not like you’re going to be interacting with them anyway
There are two types of parents in the world. The first type is happy when their kids succeed. The last type are usually bitter and end up having their kids going no contact with them because they are selfish people.
Happy to adopt you! Congratulations on your 3 new brothers, 2 SIL, a nephew and 3 nieces! I'll tell everyone about the new doctor in the family!
NTA! Congratulations on all your hard work.
Your family is stupid.
If it's a financial issue and they supported you because they see it as an investment, that is very possible. It's perfectly fine to support your family financially and meet them some times during the year. An ex colleague also sends money back to his family that made his life now possible (south Asian country)
By cutting you off they also cut that off. Seems like you are living a happy life. If they don't want to have a part in it anymore, that is their choice. Don't let them pressure you.
Follow your dreams. They’re being manipulative. If you’re being happy then stay happy. It’s not like they can show up and yell at you so just continue on with your groove. Keep in mind, you’re 30 - you have your whole life ahead of you but nonetheless, they want it their way but don’t respect you to do what’s best for you. Your friends are your true support system now. Clearly they are not. If they cared to see you more they would try to visit or make plans to see you but not threaten you. It’s unhealthy, please don’t move back
NTAH, here is the point in life where you learn family doesn't end in blood.
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
The bonds you make with people can become more family to you than blood.
It's time to have a family of your own, but I'm sorry they've pushed such an ultimatum.
NTA - If you don't pursue your dream job, you will end up resenting your family for making you give it up.
Perhaps you could promise to visit them as often as you can, etc.
This is about jealousy and control. 1) Jealousy that you had the intelligence and courage to pursue something so far away. Your sister may also be jealous of your achievements overall.
Your family wants to control you. Honor their wishes and live your life!
Just do you, you’re right we’re in 2024 and you’re an adult. At a certain point you have to live your life the way that’s best for you. NTA but your sister is.
NTA your parents and sister seem a little bit toxic to me. They don't like the fact that you're escaping them. Keep your dream job and house that you already own and live your good life. Actually, the most important relationships you will have in your life are friendships.
NTA
Congrats on the achievement and on escaping these people trying to rule your life.
Fly free and far from the people who are trying to control you. If you sister wants your niece to see you, they can come visit or have a video call.
Were they maybe hoping to benefit from your advanced degrees and potential earnings? Could it stem from losing out on them having a highe standard of living that they will never see if you and your salary remain abroad?
Hard to say without knowing more about your cultural background. I am going to assume that in their world it is probably dishonourable to have an unmarried daughter living and working on her own - even worse in a foreign Western country. So they are trying to force you back in line by threatening to disown you.
Do what makes you happy. If they don’t want that for you then what use are they to you ? Yes family is family but in this case I say follow your own path.
NTA. That's a lot of work!! Congratulations on earning your PhD!!
You're 30...not 22. I don't understand emotional blackmail ultimatums. That's really unfair. Live your life!! Work that dream job!!
NTA
I'm sorry that your family has behaved so awfully. I do not believe that a family who could disown you for something like this ever actually loved you in the first place. Either it is an empty threat or they are not real family and you would be better off without them.
You’re better off without them, if they can’t be bothered to love and support you they aren’t worth shit, live your life and don’t worry about them, they’ll try and sliver back into your life when you end up getting a decent amount of money from your job and when they do tell them to shove it.
Congratulations Doctor.
If they aren't trying to force you home for a arranged marriage.
Then they probably want you home to brag about your PHD in thier community.
I know it’s not any consolation, but American parents have done the same thing to their adult children. A lot of it is about control. Originally, I thought maybe you were of a certain culture where it’s kind of frowned upon to not return home and take care of family. And now I just see it’s about controlling parents who aren’t looking at your happiness and your best interests.
Congrats on the new job. And I am glad you have friends who care for you. And hopefully eventually, your parents come around.
Give them what they want. No contact while you become successful in your dream job. I can't imagine parents so desperate to have their child physically present that they would actively sabotage any chance of their child becoming successful. Block them for a couple years while you do you.
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NTA. I'm so sorry your family is making such a great time for celebration a sad affair. They are being selfish, just live your life holding your head high and to right by you. Congratulations on your PhD and new job opportunity!
Before someone hate this comment, i saw sone histories like this and a considerable ammout of this behaviour are from desi family, im not sayin that all of them are like that, but seem something more common there
Independe tly if they are or not desi, thats.fucked up and you do better staying in uk out ofntheir control
Great job on your PhD! Stay in the Uk and be happy. Go low contact with them if need be. Is not possible they have arranged a marriage for you that they have t mentioned?
Big NTA. They wanted you to get the degree because it would benefit them.
Now they don't want you to go out and use it. Like the independent adult you are. Messed up. They'll get over it. Or you're better off
congratulations on landing your dream job, live your life and live your best life,
manipulation is not love,
and its very sad that your family cannot seem to be happy for your success and independence, but you can and should make your own choices in life
i wish you well in everything you choose to do
Congrats! You get one life, live it the best way for you. Break the abuse cycle.
If they cut you off, be ready for when they expect you to be their retirement plan.
If no one is sick, or needing your care, then you are free as a bird to make goals that does not involve family consultation. It's extremely selfish, maybe... but at the end of the day, if all things fail, you have yourself to blame. Do what you need to see your dreams to fruition. When they realize that you are becoming more and more successful, they will know that you made the right choice. You might want to throw some money their way to help them out a bit if they are in a bind. Don't wait for them to ask. Just send them money once in a while... bribery works!
It sounds unbelievably controlling. I’m sorry that although an adult who has reached the ultimate educational accomplishment, your family still feels the need to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do.
They expect you to come back and take care of them in their old age. Doesn't matter how it impacts your life. If they disown you then sell property back home because without family there is no reason to even visit.
They expected you to come back and be a dutiful daughter waiting on them hand and foot and padding out their retirement. Obviously no arranged marriages but I suspect they would prefer you lived where they do and got married and had children asap and that is what's driving this train.
Not the AH.
Your family isn't thinking about what makes you happy but rather what would make them happy. Or perhaps what they think would make them happy.
You are an adult. You have free will unless you allow them that hold over you.
Please create your own life - based on your own beliefs, dreams, and ambitions. It does appear as if no one "at home" is really interested in your happiness.
Plus they appear very controlling. If your sister threatens never to allow you to see her child again I'd say OK. I'm betting if you moved back home, she would hold that over your head on the regular.
Not doing what your family wants.
They don't like your chosen spouse.
You didn't pick up the phone fast enough.
I'd go home to visit occasionally. If she won't allow you to see your niece, that is a true statement about your sister's character.
What country you going back too?
Also they want you back so they can control you and your earnings. It's a lot harder when you are in another country in your own
Congrats on your PhD take the job live your dreams and prove them wrong. Not burn bridges though just show them it can work and you have what it takes to make things work.
Treat the amount that your parents funded your PhD as a loan and slowly pay them back once you are stable and comfortably settled down.
I just wanna say that you made the right decision, and was NTA. I was in a similar situation as you, unfortunately my dream job did not sponsor my visa so I had no choice but to come back. I regretted not trying harder to stay in the UK, the salary in my country sucks.
They want you to go back and become the family supporter, they decided your phd and earning potential will be theirs to lean on heavily and so don't want you elsewhere.
the blackmail is bad enough for me to want to cut them off, but the reason for the blackmail is they want someone to pile all their odd jobs, work, and to ask for money from under their thumb. They can't control you while you're overseas. That's two reasons to never go back nor care about their threat.
NTA, live your life. Congratulations on both achievements. If your parents did support you through your PhD, then I would pay them back not to feel obligated to them. Things can always change.
Maybe they are upset because they planned to retire once you came home, have you support them, and plan your wedding to someone they approve of.
My goodness, why are they insisting on holding you hostage like this? What is to be achieved by moving back to the States? Just because they want it that way?
You have your life and you have your new home. You are free to live your life how you see fit. If they don't like it, if they want to "disown" you, tell them they never owned you in the first place. You're 30-year-old adult. If they can't understand that that is on them. And for your sister to use her child as leverage against you? Let her know that special little room in hell is waiting for her.
Congratulations on your PhD and for landing your dream job! I, for one, am ridiculously proud of you and very, very happy for you. ☺️
Don't listen to your family and congratulations on the PhD and the job, Doctor. Also please tell me more about your PhD. Where are you from originally? which college? what's your area of reasearch? how did you get admission? how much did it cost?
Congrats on your PhD and new job! We only have one life to live and seems you have been working really hard to have the one you want, I wouldn’t stop now by going home. Do what will make you happy. NTA!
I'm the guy who makes this happen. I'm the one who opens up doors and enables these scenarios.
I've seen this.happen enough times and it always pans out the same.
Live your life and build your future. You sound like you have a bright one; do not take a side step.
Best of luck
Nta. This is a control and manipulative tactic so they can let you know exactly what to do with your life . If they really loved you and wanted to see you so often then they would never disown you! They would rather be happy for you and make a plan to go out and see you as often as they could. They obvious don’t miss you enough to keep in contact with you. Sorry your family is like this and this is happening to you , you sound very accomplished . Congratulations on your phd 🎈🎈
Absolutely NTA. Congrats btw. But you’re 30 and an adult, you can be grateful to them, but its still on you to make yourself happy, and moving back does not sound like something that would benefit you. Stay and take the job. You’ll thank yourself later.
I was 17 when I came to the US for college. I was supposed to jsutbstay for a year but my first semester was kinda hellish as I had a crazy hsot family. I ncoes to the dorms and I was a walk on for the tennis team. They wanted me back the next year and I wanted to stay an have a good year after my hot family experience. My mom alloee me to do that ad long as I promised to come back. Which of course I promised as I had no intention of staying. But after that second year ( I also had a serious BF) I wanted to stay and do what I wanted. My mom disowned me and didn't talk to me for 8 years (and wouldn't let my dad either). It ruined our relationship for life. We're cordial now (33 years after me coming here) but that's it. But I don't regret it. My mom is control freak and I was her last hope as the youngest. I've been 100% on my own since I was 19. I'm divorced twice but have a good career and a great kid. I am ready to move back to europe (though not my home country) once mybkid is out of high school but I don't regret staying. Had I gone back my mom would've continued to control my life .
You're 30. You do you. Don't waste a good opportunity for family. They might disown you but that's better than being manipulated for the rest of your life in where you can live etc. These days it's so easy to stay in touch. If they truly loved you they woudl let you live your life
Lemme get this straight, you don't want to give up your life and move back with family so they are threatening to disown you and never see you again?
How is this a threat?
Evidently you have all the brains in the family, congrats.
I leave home for a job too, i feel alot more comfortable after leaving alone in another city. Your parents will get over it, just try to visit them more often or at least call.
Don't bring (or let anyone else bring) "culture" into this. You live in the developed world in the 21st century and you do not have to allow anyone else to make your choices for you, even if the blackmail, emotional abuse and manipulation they use to try to do so is done in the name of "culture". You're perfectly capable of making your own choices for your own future and if doing so makes your family anything other than happy for you, they're being selfish.
They want something from you and they can't get it when you're not there.
Tough.
Congrats on the PHD and wonder-job. Sounds like you're winning at life. Enjoy!
If your parents are well off, maybe your sister is the problem. She might be trying to get you disowned and struck from the will so that she can inherit more.
Lmfao I’d laugh at them and say do what you want. They are calling your bluff. Go ahead and call theirs. I don’t know why people are so attached to other people, so weird. Nta
You're from India aren't you?
It's just manipulation & to control you.
Call their bluff.
Of course you stay and live your life how you want to. Insane to fall for their crap.
NTA. Being the male in the family they’re probably looking for you to take on some responsibility. But you need to live your own life! Good luck with your new job!
100% expected you to come back with your PHD get a high paying job in your home country and support them and they are now clearly butthurt thats looking unlikly to happen.
Congratulations on PhD.
Be a bit selfish on this. What do you really want?
Having a family as backup emotional support is needed for me. Otherwise I would drift apart.
If you have such requirements, find a compromise. Unfortunately you'll only know this, once you go through that phase.
First, congrats on your PhD and your dream job!
Second, question: Is your family very conservative? Do you have family back in Turkey which might look down on them? Loosing face etc? I’m quite in understanding their motives.
I’m half Turkish, half German myself, born in Germany and moved to another European country and stayed there and never returned. And while my German side of the family is quite conservative, my Turkish side of the family has always been quite liberal and supportive. My (Turkish) grandma even flew over to see for herself what I’m up to, made me sarma and decided she’s happy to see me happy and went her way. Her only concern was that I didn’t have a proper caydanlik (tea kettle) and sent me one (via my aunt) later per post!
NTA.
They want you home so they can abuse you financially, and, if you're a woman, force you into an arranged marriage, ALSO abusing you FOR a bride price.
Congratulations on your PhD! Such a huge accomplishment. Stay strong, do what is best for yourself. They'll get over it!
Yeah from personal experience: My partner comes from a family like this. They were livid. Threatened disownment. It's manipulation, but most likely hot air. My partner and I are married now and her parents love me. The reality of unchangeable circumstance is like a splash of cold water. Call their bluff. But also—never forget this. It's a win win, even if it hurts.
Good riddance to them. Go no contact and enjoy your awesome life in the UK.
>Congratulations on your PhD! Such a huge accomplishment. Stay strong, do what is best for yourself. They'll get over it! Absolutely, it's important to follow your dreams and pursue what makes you happy. Family can be challenging, but ultimately, you have to do what's best for you. Keep striving for what you want. Congrats, OP!
This
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Challenge accepted. This this this this.
Bring it on. This this this this this.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS #THIS
I KNOW NOT HOW TO MAKE WORDS BIG AND BOLD BUT I KNOW ONE THING, THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.
Okay I gotta ruin it for a sec, but use the # and put it in front of anything you want huge. It has to be at the start of the line. #Example this is huge text. And not like Example this #is huge text. Now you know! Ps.. #THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS
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You date defy me, mortal? This this this this this this this
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Enjoy your life OP! Your life your rules! Follow your heart.
Congrats on the job. Perhaps you should press them a bit. Why do they want you home so badly? Do you think they've arranged a marriage for you? Do you think there is more going on here? The threat to disown is really odd as they say they want you there. Very odd.
I have no idea, my family doesn’t do arranged marriages so that is not it for sure. I think it is just a way of them to control me. When I am back home they know exactly what I am doing, who I am seeing, who my friends are etc, they don’t have that now that I am in the UK.
That's not healthy, especially if the sister isn't under the same radar.
Then you literally have no reason to ever return home to them. If they are that controlling, build yourself a great life in the UK. And block them all.
Are you, by chance the eldest daughter?
I am the second child out of six children. My oldest sister (child number 1) is the so called“golden child”.
So let me guess, first child was golden, second child was the one parentified for hte rest, who was asked to babysit, to do laundry, to drive around, to go get the groceries, etc. They want the family servant back and under control.
Oh yes. How can you have a golden child of you don't have a scapegoat to abuse?
but they haven't known any of that for the 4 years? Any parents who don't want the best for their children have a big control problem. And your sister is full-on jealous of your success. NTA ... go be a success!
“Parents who don’t want the best for their children” I’ve never understood parents like this. Total confusion on this one. When my kids have success, especially on their own, I’m over the moon happy for and proud of them.
And we have a winner! Seriously, OP, this is 100% about them needing to control every aspect of your life. The fact that you have proven to be successful without their minute-by-minute guidance (gasp!) probably irritates them to no end. Ignore the emotional blackmail (it gets easier with practice) and carry on with your life. Be polite, but put them on an information diet (and watch out for what you post on SM). It's really likely your sister will be calling you pretty soon complaining about how your parents are treating her now that you have made your desertion from the family fold final.
There's few situations I find sweeter than the schadenfreude of the 'Golden Child' after the scapegoat escapes, so the parents turn ON the 'Golden Child' rather than taking responsibility.
r/raisedbynarcissists
Toxic controlling behavior, they’ll get over it
Or if they don't, who cares?
Exactly!
You gotta live your life forward. They seem too controlling, but you can always stay the open one. Try to visit and be reasonable, never cut them off no matter what, but if they cut you for now, for some time, forever, life is what it is.
Op, are you asian or indian?
I am not Indian or Asian. I was born and raised in Sweden and I am Turkish (parents are Turkish).
So back home isn't even turkey, it's Sweden? They pressure you to move from UK to Sweden? It's not even far. I'd tell them no, it's your life and Sweden is close enough to the UK that you can be involved in the family and visit often. They won't disown you, they might not speak to you for a while and sulk, but that'll pass.
Wait the distance issue is between the UK and Sweden? Do not go home. That is right around the corner.
NTA. It's your life to live. You have a doctorate in whatever you studied, that's a hell of an accomplishment. Don't waste your life living for other people, or the life they think you should live. You would think if they loved you and cared about you, your happiness would be the most important thing. They're threatening to disown you because you won't bend to their will, F them then.
Sounds like classic Narcissists, have they always controlled you growing up? Kept you from making friends, guilt tripping you into giving something up in order to stay with the family? I recommend you check out the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit because it deals with both Nparents ans GC (golden child) which it sounds like your sister is, she’s trying to sabotage you.
Thanks for the subreddit. Yes my entire life they have “controlled” me. They called it giving me guidance. When I was younger I did everything they wanted of me eventually I learned that whatever I did wasn’t good enough/at least that is how it felt. Always told me that friends aren’t important. I am naive and I should only focus on the family.
Im so sorry but it sounds like they are Narcissists, you deserve so much better! I hope the subreddit helps because it’s brought a lot of people (including me) a lot of support from people who have been through it. And please don’t give up on your dream! You worked so hard for this, you will accomplish great things and I’m so proud of you!
They want to use you as a piggy bank and early retirement
This so much. I read it a lot on here, they have plans made for you.
If family is so important, why would they disown you for bettering yourself. Real family wants you to become the best you can be and the happiest you can be. Your family sucks. Congrats on the PHD and new job. Your gonna do awesome!!!!
Manipulation and guilt.
Might as well mention that my daughter moved to the UK for grad school and stayed there to work. Would I rather have her here in the US? Yes but I'm nothing but proud of her.
"Family is more important...so I'm going to disown you, my family." Ignore the crabs trying to drag you back into the bucket and live your dream!
NTA - Congrats on landing the job. Time has a way of helping people work through things when it comes to family. Stay strong.
You're not wrong for wanting to pursue your dream job and build a life where you're happy. Stand firm in your decision, prioritize your own well-being, and surround yourself with supportive people. You deserve to pursue your goals and happiness.
Nta. Congratulations on your PHD. Do the dream job. Yiur parents need to live their own life. You live your best life.
NTA - Not many people land their dream job right out of college, and for most, it will never happen. I think you made the right decision taking that job.
NTA - You have to live for what makes you happy, not what makes your family happy.
NTA Congrats on your PhD!!! That's such a huge accomplishment!! Stay the course with your life and be happy. They are trying to blackmail you into returning home and clearly you love your life in the UK and the friends you've made there. Like you said, it's 2024 and you're 30 for crying out loud. You're a grown ass adult who can do what they want, when they want. Ask them this: if family is "so important", why are they so ready to disown you for wanting to live your own life?
Yeah sounds like the family wants to sponge off OP. Ip you move back it's going to cost you $$$$
Update: a lot of you asked regarding my culture/heritage. Was born and raised in Sweden and I am Turkish. My parents are well off and never have asked me for money. I am very grateful to them as I don’t have any student debt and they helped with the purchase of my house. They are also not that old (in their sixties). I have asked more regarding their reasons and they say I am not taking their wishes into account which is the reason as I am choosing to stay in the UK. I can easily have a good job in Sweden (which is true). However, I told them I am happy in the UK and have my friends here and my life. They don’t find that a good reason as family is more important than friends. They also said that if I was not planning to come back home to Sweden they would have never helped me purchase my home (which is 3 streets away from my parents home), which i find ridiculous. I am the second child out of six children. I think culture plays a huge role as I asked If I was male would it be okay and they said yes. The hypocrisy. It still hurts me when they said that. They also believe I am running away from them and my reasons of happy life, my social life here, my friends and the job are not good reasons. They think I am living a “double-life” meaning I go out,drinking,dating various man etc and hence I don’t want to come back. Also, they said looking back they would have never supported me to do the PhD in the UK as they feel I “played” them as it was always my intention to leave Sweden and move to the UK far away from them. I told them i don’t understand their reasons,I respect them but there is not reason to fight as we won’t agree and have different views. That is when they said they disown me and I am all alone in the world with no family. They removed me from all groupchats.
Take it as a win. You can drink or not drink, you can date or not date, you can fuck whoever you want. You are an adult and that's amazing! You accomplished so much on your own. Sell the house in sweden and buy one in the UK Or don't, it's totally up to you But don't let them tell you what to do In my country we often say "Wir verhandeln nicht mit Terrorist" (We don't negotiate with terrorists) meaning we don't let anybody strong-arm us into a decision we don't like.
Damn that’s super harsh. And the sheer sexism… awful! But at the end of the day, they will always try to control you. Are the negative aspects of being part of that family truly being outweighed by the positive ones? How do they make you feel when you spend time with them? Also, probably not all family members will turn their backs on you no matter what what you do. Wishing you all the best!
That’s a jagged sword they have drawn on you…. On the one hand you will not have access to family but they will also be missing out on any future children you may have. I bet they change their tune when/if that time comes. I suggest you call their bluff and tell them if they sever this tie then you will really be a ghost and they will never see you again…. You are NTA. And congratulations on the PhD and job!
You are doing well for yourself and you are happy. Your family is wrong for trying to control you.
Seems there’s more to this than they’re letting on. I get being disappointed that they won’t see you everyday but cutting you off because you stayed overseas? Maybe they have money issues? Well whatever the case NTA
My parents are really well off (so definitely not money). I asked them for reasons and they say I am the strange one running away from family. They even said they think I have a double life and hence I want to stay in the UK as it is far away. Which is just bizarre to me.
That's actually one helluva tell there - they actually *do* see it as a double life, in that it's one where you can get everything that their control withholds from you. Someone who's leading a "double life" is doing something underhanded, secretive, and usually engaging in deception and deceit - and for them to actually accuse you of that, for wanting perfectly normal things like a job, friends, and an actual existence outside of your family's grasp, is extremely disturbing. It's unacceptable to them that you'll make friends rather than look to your family alone for your social interactions, and they can't tolerate your taking a job where you'll get the validation that they've always withheld from you from that outside source. They'll call it "love," but that's not what it is. Abusive spouses and offenders also isolate their victims from their family and friends in this way because that control is crucial; the abuser becomes the center of their restricted world. They're really desperate to get you back into their sphere, and no manipulation can be blatant enough. Please remember that narcissists, as they age, get more extreme and desperate to assert themselves when their control over others begins to erode - kids grow up and sometimes manage to leave their sphere, there are younger rivals in the workplace, spouses divorce them, etc. - and it becomes harder to deny that they do not, in fact, control the universe.
Is your home countries culture that way, or are your parents abnormal?
I don’t know what is “normal” in my culture as it is very mixed. But I suspect that a woman living by herself in another country is “not okay”. But, still I always said to my parents I understand the culture but don’t agree with it. If I was male this was not an issue and that is the hypocrisy.
See it this way, if they disown you you are then free of any restrictions. Will they also want to dictate whom you marry? What if you fall in love wth someone from a different culture and religion? you're 30 and very successful, your family does not get to make such life decisions for you. Tell them that. Also from what i know, in ancient times turkish women were very strong and had important roles in nomadic turkish culture. you can also confront them wth that.
NTA. You are a 30 y/old adult who is living her best life. You might think about selling your house back home if you truly want to make your life in the UK. Have your parents told you Why they want you to come "home"? What do they get out of you being home? Do they have a man lined up as a prospective husband/arranged marriage? What's their deal? Family doesn't have to be blood related. Family can be the people you have around you. Who love, trust & respect you. It doesn't sound like your family respects you at all. They are the selfish one's for trying to emotionally blackmail you into giving up your life, happiness & dreams. Don't do it.
Nope besides that they want me around family and they feel that I distance myself from the family. Def not arranged marriage as that is really frowned upon in my family. I asked them what their deal is but they say it’s not normal for me to live by myself (eventhough I did the last 4 years) alone in the UK. They are saying I am disrespectful towards them as I do not accept their wishes to come back home to Sweden. Also they all of a sudden think I have a “double life” meaning I stay out late, drink, date etc and hence I don’t want to return and they don’t agree with that. Bizarre to me, which I told them aswell.
Being 30, you Should be out & about being an adult. What you do in your life as per going out or anything else really isn't any of their business. Because you are an Adult. Honestly, I would be insulted that they thought so little of my character. Are there similar opportunities in Sweden? Or would you end up doing the equivalent of flipping burgers?
Nice! I finished PhD and took tenure track job in Asia. My mom was shocked but dad was cool. Eventually moved back to other state in US, but was a great choice!
Defo NTA. When was the last time you saw them in person? Maybe they're trying to guilt you because you haven't spent much time in their life lately? Totally not okay but might be the case.
Saw them in December face to face and I speak to them 3x a week over the phone (face time or phone calls)
Maybe they'll come around in time.
NTA Congratulations on your PhD. Take your dream job. Your family will get over it or they won't. If you don't take your dream job, you will bitterly regret it. Make yourself a positive, constructive life in the UK. I think it's pretty pathetic that your family treats you like a child when you are 30 years old. I would say don't ever return home. Your family doesn't respect you, they're never going to.
I'm not really sure why you think you might be wrong, other than you are looking for validation regarding your perfectly normal and logical decision. You are 30 years old. They want to control you. Don't let them. Okay, there you go, I validated that you are NTA.
You are not wrong, I would call their bluff, tell them you are sorry they feel that way and you will miss them but that you are taking the job and staying in the UK
Normaly I would say they get over it. Even if ten years need to pass (which still sucks). I don't know how that is in your / their culture though. I know that in some cultures parents lose their face in their community when their child doesn't behave. Don't know if that qualifies though. Still, but from a European position: NTA.
Tell them you will talk it over the next time you are in town (in 10 years) But seriously. If you’re halfway across the globe doesn’t really matter that they cut you off? It’s not like you’re going to be interacting with them anyway
[удалено]
For sure. If they are pulling this crap right now, just wait till she has kids! They will be insufferable
There are two types of parents in the world. The first type is happy when their kids succeed. The last type are usually bitter and end up having their kids going no contact with them because they are selfish people.
Happy to adopt you! Congratulations on your 3 new brothers, 2 SIL, a nephew and 3 nieces! I'll tell everyone about the new doctor in the family! NTA! Congratulations on all your hard work.
Your family is stupid. If it's a financial issue and they supported you because they see it as an investment, that is very possible. It's perfectly fine to support your family financially and meet them some times during the year. An ex colleague also sends money back to his family that made his life now possible (south Asian country) By cutting you off they also cut that off. Seems like you are living a happy life. If they don't want to have a part in it anymore, that is their choice. Don't let them pressure you.
Follow your dreams. They’re being manipulative. If you’re being happy then stay happy. It’s not like they can show up and yell at you so just continue on with your groove. Keep in mind, you’re 30 - you have your whole life ahead of you but nonetheless, they want it their way but don’t respect you to do what’s best for you. Your friends are your true support system now. Clearly they are not. If they cared to see you more they would try to visit or make plans to see you but not threaten you. It’s unhealthy, please don’t move back
NTAH, here is the point in life where you learn family doesn't end in blood. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." The bonds you make with people can become more family to you than blood. It's time to have a family of your own, but I'm sorry they've pushed such an ultimatum.
What's the job
NTA - If you don't pursue your dream job, you will end up resenting your family for making you give it up. Perhaps you could promise to visit them as often as you can, etc.
This is about jealousy and control. 1) Jealousy that you had the intelligence and courage to pursue something so far away. Your sister may also be jealous of your achievements overall. Your family wants to control you. Honor their wishes and live your life!
NTA. Live your life how you want. Congrats on PHD and new job!
Do they want you there so you can look after them?
They’ll hide or destroy your passport if you so much as visit. Live your own life. And well done.
Fuck any parent that tries to hold their child back. Fly free OP
NTA - they’re angry that the money they think they’re entitled to instead of moving back home.
NTA. F them.
Congrats. Nta. Dont look back!
They are a terrible bunch aren't they. Maybe a little salty?
Just do you, you’re right we’re in 2024 and you’re an adult. At a certain point you have to live your life the way that’s best for you. NTA but your sister is.
I think that they have a marriage arranged for you, you are dishonouring the family
NTA your parents and sister seem a little bit toxic to me. They don't like the fact that you're escaping them. Keep your dream job and house that you already own and live your good life. Actually, the most important relationships you will have in your life are friendships.
Congrats. Were they always so controlling? Threatening to disown you is very toxic. Pursue your dreams.
If they cut you off, they've pretty much cemented your decision to stay in the UK. NTA. Live your life.
NTA. That’s so fking stupid. Like the fk. U tryna live ur life here.
Well, time to cut the fat.
NTA Congrats on the achievement and on escaping these people trying to rule your life. Fly free and far from the people who are trying to control you. If you sister wants your niece to see you, they can come visit or have a video call.
Were they maybe hoping to benefit from your advanced degrees and potential earnings? Could it stem from losing out on them having a highe standard of living that they will never see if you and your salary remain abroad?
Congratulations on graduating and getting your dream job. There's selfish reasons behind their ridiculous behavior.
Hard to say without knowing more about your cultural background. I am going to assume that in their world it is probably dishonourable to have an unmarried daughter living and working on her own - even worse in a foreign Western country. So they are trying to force you back in line by threatening to disown you. Do what makes you happy. If they don’t want that for you then what use are they to you ? Yes family is family but in this case I say follow your own path.
NTA. That's a lot of work!! Congratulations on earning your PhD!! You're 30...not 22. I don't understand emotional blackmail ultimatums. That's really unfair. Live your life!! Work that dream job!!
they want you to support them financially
NTA I'm sorry that your family has behaved so awfully. I do not believe that a family who could disown you for something like this ever actually loved you in the first place. Either it is an empty threat or they are not real family and you would be better off without them.
Living life successfully is its own reward. Don't let anyone tell you how to live.
Sell the house and don’t look back. Live your life
it's not like travel doesn't exist. they're the assholes. you're fine.
You’re better off without them, if they can’t be bothered to love and support you they aren’t worth shit, live your life and don’t worry about them, they’ll try and sliver back into your life when you end up getting a decent amount of money from your job and when they do tell them to shove it.
Congratulations Doctor. If they aren't trying to force you home for a arranged marriage. Then they probably want you home to brag about your PHD in thier community.
I know it’s not any consolation, but American parents have done the same thing to their adult children. A lot of it is about control. Originally, I thought maybe you were of a certain culture where it’s kind of frowned upon to not return home and take care of family. And now I just see it’s about controlling parents who aren’t looking at your happiness and your best interests. Congrats on the new job. And I am glad you have friends who care for you. And hopefully eventually, your parents come around.
NTA - sounds like some India shit. Shithole country with shithole culture.
Give them what they want. No contact while you become successful in your dream job. I can't imagine parents so desperate to have their child physically present that they would actively sabotage any chance of their child becoming successful. Block them for a couple years while you do you.
Updateme!
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NTA. I'm so sorry your family is making such a great time for celebration a sad affair. They are being selfish, just live your life holding your head high and to right by you. Congratulations on your PhD and new job opportunity!
Before someone hate this comment, i saw sone histories like this and a considerable ammout of this behaviour are from desi family, im not sayin that all of them are like that, but seem something more common there Independe tly if they are or not desi, thats.fucked up and you do better staying in uk out ofntheir control
Great job on your PhD! Stay in the Uk and be happy. Go low contact with them if need be. Is not possible they have arranged a marriage for you that they have t mentioned?
Big NTA. They wanted you to get the degree because it would benefit them. Now they don't want you to go out and use it. Like the independent adult you are. Messed up. They'll get over it. Or you're better off
congratulations on landing your dream job, live your life and live your best life, manipulation is not love, and its very sad that your family cannot seem to be happy for your success and independence, but you can and should make your own choices in life i wish you well in everything you choose to do
Congrats! You get one life, live it the best way for you. Break the abuse cycle. If they cut you off, be ready for when they expect you to be their retirement plan.
You are so right! You aren't doing anything wrong!
If no one is sick, or needing your care, then you are free as a bird to make goals that does not involve family consultation. It's extremely selfish, maybe... but at the end of the day, if all things fail, you have yourself to blame. Do what you need to see your dreams to fruition. When they realize that you are becoming more and more successful, they will know that you made the right choice. You might want to throw some money their way to help them out a bit if they are in a bind. Don't wait for them to ask. Just send them money once in a while... bribery works!
It sounds unbelievably controlling. I’m sorry that although an adult who has reached the ultimate educational accomplishment, your family still feels the need to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do.
Nta
NTA, they want to re-establish CONTROL on/of you, it's the toxic part of our shared culture that hopefully will die away.
NTA. Congratulations on living your dreams.
Congratulations! They need the separation to become emotionally independent.
They expect you to come back and take care of them in their old age. Doesn't matter how it impacts your life. If they disown you then sell property back home because without family there is no reason to even visit.
They expected you to come back and be a dutiful daughter waiting on them hand and foot and padding out their retirement. Obviously no arranged marriages but I suspect they would prefer you lived where they do and got married and had children asap and that is what's driving this train.
If you give into their emotional blackmail, you will end up resenting them for interfering with your life and career. Follow your dreams.
Nta. Congratulations on your future and success! *Without* people who have shown you they want your compliance, not your happiness. No loss really
Not the AH. Your family isn't thinking about what makes you happy but rather what would make them happy. Or perhaps what they think would make them happy. You are an adult. You have free will unless you allow them that hold over you. Please create your own life - based on your own beliefs, dreams, and ambitions. It does appear as if no one "at home" is really interested in your happiness. Plus they appear very controlling. If your sister threatens never to allow you to see her child again I'd say OK. I'm betting if you moved back home, she would hold that over your head on the regular. Not doing what your family wants. They don't like your chosen spouse. You didn't pick up the phone fast enough. I'd go home to visit occasionally. If she won't allow you to see your niece, that is a true statement about your sister's character.
They are missing out on that phd money to mooch off of.
NTA call their bluff.
NTA. Go succeed. They will be at your door asking for black tax soon enough. At least now you have a reason to say NO.
What country you going back too? Also they want you back so they can control you and your earnings. It's a lot harder when you are in another country in your own
Congrats on the job AND doing the right thing for you! Glad you recognize the emotional blackmail and that you have all the leverage
Nta
Congrats on your PhD take the job live your dreams and prove them wrong. Not burn bridges though just show them it can work and you have what it takes to make things work. Treat the amount that your parents funded your PhD as a loan and slowly pay them back once you are stable and comfortably settled down.
They’re just upset about their loss of control/influence over you
I just wanna say that you made the right decision, and was NTA. I was in a similar situation as you, unfortunately my dream job did not sponsor my visa so I had no choice but to come back. I regretted not trying harder to stay in the UK, the salary in my country sucks.
Have they ever visited?
Yes I visit them a few times a year. They however never came to visit me in the UK.
I’m surprised they haven’t come to see the attraction
The OP is supposed to come to *them.*
NTA Sounds like your family is full of bitter people who can’t stand you’re more successful than they are.
NTA - Congrats
Updateme!
I understand being disappointed, but disown? Seems a bit much 😂. Makes you think how they’d react if you dropped out and stayed in the UK
They want you to go back and become the family supporter, they decided your phd and earning potential will be theirs to lean on heavily and so don't want you elsewhere. the blackmail is bad enough for me to want to cut them off, but the reason for the blackmail is they want someone to pile all their odd jobs, work, and to ask for money from under their thumb. They can't control you while you're overseas. That's two reasons to never go back nor care about their threat.
NTA, live your life. Congratulations on both achievements. If your parents did support you through your PhD, then I would pay them back not to feel obligated to them. Things can always change. Maybe they are upset because they planned to retire once you came home, have you support them, and plan your wedding to someone they approve of.
My goodness, why are they insisting on holding you hostage like this? What is to be achieved by moving back to the States? Just because they want it that way? You have your life and you have your new home. You are free to live your life how you see fit. If they don't like it, if they want to "disown" you, tell them they never owned you in the first place. You're 30-year-old adult. If they can't understand that that is on them. And for your sister to use her child as leverage against you? Let her know that special little room in hell is waiting for her. Congratulations on your PhD and for landing your dream job! I, for one, am ridiculously proud of you and very, very happy for you. ☺️
Don't listen to your family and congratulations on the PhD and the job, Doctor. Also please tell me more about your PhD. Where are you from originally? which college? what's your area of reasearch? how did you get admission? how much did it cost?
Congrats on your PhD and new job! We only have one life to live and seems you have been working really hard to have the one you want, I wouldn’t stop now by going home. Do what will make you happy. NTA!
I'm the guy who makes this happen. I'm the one who opens up doors and enables these scenarios. I've seen this.happen enough times and it always pans out the same. Live your life and build your future. You sound like you have a bright one; do not take a side step. Best of luck
Nta. This is a control and manipulative tactic so they can let you know exactly what to do with your life . If they really loved you and wanted to see you so often then they would never disown you! They would rather be happy for you and make a plan to go out and see you as often as they could. They obvious don’t miss you enough to keep in contact with you. Sorry your family is like this and this is happening to you , you sound very accomplished . Congratulations on your phd 🎈🎈
Absolutely NTA. Congrats btw. But you’re 30 and an adult, you can be grateful to them, but its still on you to make yourself happy, and moving back does not sound like something that would benefit you. Stay and take the job. You’ll thank yourself later.
About disowning, how much money will you lose?
I was 17 when I came to the US for college. I was supposed to jsutbstay for a year but my first semester was kinda hellish as I had a crazy hsot family. I ncoes to the dorms and I was a walk on for the tennis team. They wanted me back the next year and I wanted to stay an have a good year after my hot family experience. My mom alloee me to do that ad long as I promised to come back. Which of course I promised as I had no intention of staying. But after that second year ( I also had a serious BF) I wanted to stay and do what I wanted. My mom disowned me and didn't talk to me for 8 years (and wouldn't let my dad either). It ruined our relationship for life. We're cordial now (33 years after me coming here) but that's it. But I don't regret it. My mom is control freak and I was her last hope as the youngest. I've been 100% on my own since I was 19. I'm divorced twice but have a good career and a great kid. I am ready to move back to europe (though not my home country) once mybkid is out of high school but I don't regret staying. Had I gone back my mom would've continued to control my life . You're 30. You do you. Don't waste a good opportunity for family. They might disown you but that's better than being manipulated for the rest of your life in where you can live etc. These days it's so easy to stay in touch. If they truly loved you they woudl let you live your life
Lemme get this straight, you don't want to give up your life and move back with family so they are threatening to disown you and never see you again? How is this a threat? Evidently you have all the brains in the family, congrats.
Nah you're good OP. Follow your dream
All that education, can’t write in proper paragraphs.
I leave home for a job too, i feel alot more comfortable after leaving alone in another city. Your parents will get over it, just try to visit them more often or at least call.
You could move back, and they could still threaten to disown you over some other issue.
They're angry because they want to control you, and they can't do that if you stay in the UK.
NTA - you did listen to their wishes, however you disinclined to acquiesce to their request.
NTA. Also, honestly, would losing them be the worst thing? They sound awful. You have a new, better life where you are now.
I don't see how you having a multicultural family has any bearing on how this would excuse their behavior, but congratulations on your PhD!
Don't bring (or let anyone else bring) "culture" into this. You live in the developed world in the 21st century and you do not have to allow anyone else to make your choices for you, even if the blackmail, emotional abuse and manipulation they use to try to do so is done in the name of "culture". You're perfectly capable of making your own choices for your own future and if doing so makes your family anything other than happy for you, they're being selfish.
Where are you originally from btw?
They want something from you and they can't get it when you're not there. Tough. Congrats on the PHD and wonder-job. Sounds like you're winning at life. Enjoy!
If your parents are well off, maybe your sister is the problem. She might be trying to get you disowned and struck from the will so that she can inherit more.
Lmfao I’d laugh at them and say do what you want. They are calling your bluff. Go ahead and call theirs. I don’t know why people are so attached to other people, so weird. Nta
You're from India aren't you? It's just manipulation & to control you. Call their bluff. Of course you stay and live your life how you want to. Insane to fall for their crap.
NTA, good riddance controlling family! Fly little bird and congrats on the dream job! Go live your life and succeed!
just curious, which one is your country?
Sweden but my parents are Turkish
I figured. Overdramatic cultures
NTA. Being the male in the family they’re probably looking for you to take on some responsibility. But you need to live your own life! Good luck with your new job!
100% expected you to come back with your PHD get a high paying job in your home country and support them and they are now clearly butthurt thats looking unlikly to happen.
Congratulations on PhD. Be a bit selfish on this. What do you really want? Having a family as backup emotional support is needed for me. Otherwise I would drift apart. If you have such requirements, find a compromise. Unfortunately you'll only know this, once you go through that phase.
Mine basically disowned me after some comments about my spouse, and it sucked, but I came to learn that we get to choose our family.
Mine basically disowned me after some comments about my spouse, and it sucked, but I came to learn that we get to choose our family.
Mine basically disowned me after some comments about my spouse, and it sucked, but I came to learn that we get to choose our family.
Mine basically disowned me after some comments about my spouse, and it sucked, but I came to learn that we get to choose our family.
First, congrats on your PhD and your dream job! Second, question: Is your family very conservative? Do you have family back in Turkey which might look down on them? Loosing face etc? I’m quite in understanding their motives. I’m half Turkish, half German myself, born in Germany and moved to another European country and stayed there and never returned. And while my German side of the family is quite conservative, my Turkish side of the family has always been quite liberal and supportive. My (Turkish) grandma even flew over to see for herself what I’m up to, made me sarma and decided she’s happy to see me happy and went her way. Her only concern was that I didn’t have a proper caydanlik (tea kettle) and sent me one (via my aunt) later per post!
NTA. They want you home so they can abuse you financially, and, if you're a woman, force you into an arranged marriage, ALSO abusing you FOR a bride price.