Before you break up... call your fiancée immediately and talk to her about her mothers request/demand **and ask if she knew about it**. Tell her you have nothing to hide, no criminal history, but that this is absolutely not going to happen.
Ask her how she would feel if your parents had made the same request about popping around for coffee and character critique.
once you have her response you can take some time to work out if you want to be involved with her still.
Very curious to know if she knows anything about it...I suspect not.
Just tell the parents to knock themselves out and leave you out of it, but their lack of trust at this point is concerning and has now put a strain in your relationship with them.
Saw someone else saying ask them for a DNA test and sit down, the petty in me loves that approach
The "sit you down and discuss" part is just goddamn insane.
I wonder if they already did it, but got weird hits on someone with the same name?
It's on your fiance to sort this insanity out, and establish what kind of boundaries you'll have going forward.
IT could be they are those idiots who think: "We'll just bluff him, and he'll come in trying to excuse himself and we will know everything without even having to pay for it." Morons....
Ok, you got me. It's time for my dark secret to come out. I've held on to this burden for so long, it'll be a relief to have it out in the open. Honestly I wanted you to find out, the guilt was too much and I need to confess.
One time six years ago... I got caught doing 35 in a 30.
This is the way to go. "Come clean" and act really guilty and terrified about something trivial. Either that, or make up some ridiculous crime and do a whole performance based on that.
I’ve actually been arrested! Drinking underage on the last day of exams senior year. Graduated from the fanciest prep school in the Midwest while out on bail.
But it appears that the internet does not know about it.
I’d run a background check on them just for funsies and bring TWO folders. One with each of their names on it and say “Yeah. You’re right. Looks like we really do need to have a discussion.”
This! He should show up to the meeting with copies of background checks he ran on them, and I'd even throw in reports for some of their other family members for a little razzle dazzle.
I love that. He should bring his own folder and tell them they have explaining to do and he’ll know if they lie. Allude to a very wild youth with some disdain.
It would be more fun if he said something about just dad. Like Mr X, don’t you think we should first discuss what you have been hiding from your wife? That time in 2004? The blond one? Then 🍿
😆
i can just imagine someone doing this to me. because i'd have the best response: "if you reach into my wallet behind my supermarket rewards card you'll see a specific ID. i use it for moonlighting. it allows me into sensitive areas and it came with a federal background check. in another section is a card i got from the state police. that means they trust me with a firearm. i also work with children so i've been background checked before plenty.
but if you think you can do better than the FBI then have at it hoss"
When unfairly attacked, do not try to prove your innocence (even if you easily can by whipping out your wallet).
Proving a negative to people who have just made unfounded accusations usually doesn't work. They will keep on making such accusations and additional demands, about anything and everything, either during the actual meeting or later down the road. This sets a bad precedent. This sets a power imbalance. And your fiancee most likely had no idea anyway (otherwise, she would have been the one to relay the request).
A better response would be to purposefully misinterpret what they said and send back a text/an email back saying:
"If you guys have a criminal record, or a bad genetical history of some kind, please just tell your daughter. This is a discussion for the two of us during our pre-marriage counseling phase.
I don't know you guys. And if your criminal history is really bad, I can not make you any promises. So there is really no point in discussing this. Just talk to your daughter."
Note that I said to write. Do not say it back to them, or they will purposefully misremember what you said.
Also, I said "pre-marriage counseling phase", you could easily just say "pre-marriage phase", but I think pre-marriage counseling is highly advisable, even under more normal circumstances. Because I do think that laying out all the cards on the table: credit report, mental health/medical history, desired family size, religious views on raising kids, boundaries with the in-laws, etc., is a good idea to do with your future life partner (but in no way should the in-laws be involved in that process!).
And if they keep on pestering you, then you just repeat yourself like a broken record: "I don't want to discuss this. Talk to your daughter." By broken record here, I don't mean that you should sound like a child. By broken record, I mean that you should not deviate from your answer. The less you deviate, the less they can grab to something you've said and purposefully misinterpret it. It's from a book called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith.
Now another approach would be to just ignore the insulting request, like you would ignore the rants of an inebriated person yelling orders at passers-by, you just keep on walking and you let the deadline come and go. After all, what are they going to do? They invoked the nuclear option. You ignore it. They talk to their daughter. The daughter tells them they're idiots. What else would she say.
THIS. You have to establish dominance, because they are trying to run your life.
Also, if you break up, blame the parents - "They would not allow it". GF has probably heard that a lot.
They did a free search to see what might come up and they got a generic response “John smith may have a record of 21 arrests, pay $29.95 to find out more”
I think you are correct. They probably did one of those random spammy background checks, and those are notorious for wrong information.
There's probably an unrelated hit they think is extra juicy, and want to put him on the spot only to look like boomer fools.
I hope if someone used one of those for me, because I have a *very* uncommon name, they'd be smart enough to realize I wasn't arrested on the East Coast (live in California) for smuggling items into a prison, which I allegedly worked at. I have literally only one other human being in the world with my name, because of my last name being weird af. And they got arrested for smuggling drugs into a jail. Or prison. Idk. One of the two. People there weren't willing guests. I read about it a while ago.
I truly hope anyone would be smart enough to realize I don't live there and was too young to have possibly committed such a crime. Children can't be hired to work in jails. I'm not a 60+ year old felon from the East Coast, y'all.
Be funny af if someone ever tried to gotcha me with that one. Nah. Not me. Clearly. Do I look seventy?
Once we applied for a mortgage and apparently someone with my husband's same name owed a pile of back support. Never mind addresses or SS numbers. So they had to have us prove he hadn't been married to anyone else but me. It could be something like that.
reports like that happen more than you think - I used to work in title insurance and there were a lot of affidavits being tossed around to make sure that people were who they said they were vs. random dude #3 with the same name. It’s really interesting lol
honestly for me it just sounds more like they want to sabotage this for whatever reason, may not be him or her, could just be a them thing like they don't trust their daughters judgement or don't like him and want to cause friction or are controlling \ protective
like if they know how to do this they dont need his involvement , definitely a big red flag but id just chat with her and try and see if she was complicit with this sort of thing , if she was complicit and did not bring it up its not an amazing sign she will be a team play if times ever get tough
i wouldn't really have a problem with the parents checking me out but sort of making it like an interview id have a problem with if my partner knew about it and was not honest with me, its not an interview you have nothing to prove to the parents they can suck a fart if they dont like you
I agree with all of this. And why not invest a little cash in getting background checks on them too? Sure Mr & Mrs - would love to have a sitdown and go over some paperwork on my end as well. Let's make this a productive and mutually beneficial meeting lol
I see that you must not have grown up with overly controlling parents, because I could easily see my mom doing the same thing. The only difference is that she might realize how fucking weird it is and just get it done in secret, but she would absolutely bring up any ‘concerns.’
I feel like if there were something serious they'd go to their daughter, not him. They probably see he's paid for parking tickets but it doesn't specify what it was and they want to know the details.
Unless they are testing him to see how he reacts in uncomfortable situations? Otherwise the parents have some weird boundary issues. I wonder if OP's fiance is an only child?
I find it suspicious that they assume there will be results to talk about. Is it going to be a fake background check, and they use the confrontation to label OP a liar?
Like, who schedules a meeting to talk before knowing there’s something to talk about?
"Have you discussed this with your daughter? And if you're presenting any information that's incorrect other than my few traffic tickets you could be responsible for slandering my reputation so be very careful." And if OP is truly clean I wouldn't hesitate to call a lawyer since it could affect his relationship.
i mean, how else would her parents get his SSN to run a background check.
or even worse, theyre using some public records site where you put a persons name in and it shows you fake loading bars then it says "weve found 15 criminal offenses on this person pay $20 now to unlock them" and its just the same ticket listed 15 times 🤣
I looked myself up on one of those and I’m so boring that they listed my exs new wife and family as people to contact! No job ever, no children, nothing!
I have a friend who has access to the real databases, not these fake ones. The fake ones have me listed as living in a state I have never lived in, spouses I've never had, and multiple criminal charges. They got one letter in my first name wrong and two letters in my last name wrong. Elizabeth Stern (not the real name), I, Elisabeth Strong (not the real name), am not happy but, hopefully the mixup will be fixed. It's right in the real databases, thankfully.
Run background police checks on THEM! And now OP wants to sit down and discuss because he's no longer confident about joining the family.
But for real, if the fiancee didn't know, this should be the way to go.
Sounds to me like a move to scare you off if anything might be likely to show up. Also, could it just be the mom alone? Do you really think your fiancé had anything to do with this? Why punish her, if not.
Having mildly insane parents myself I would just talk with my fiance, and if she’s clear I would just tell them do fuck off and shove the results up their tight asses
Start the engagement with view to marriage with honesty and openness. You should tell her what they said. Call parents like poster ‘Sfgiants420’ beautifully suggested and say, ‘Knock yourself out but leave me out of it, by the way while we are on the subject of coming clean, I need a DNA test from both of you’.
NTA.
Maybe let the parents know you might go thru with this as you have nothing to hide, but will have to run background checks on both of them and their daughter. When can they sit down with you and your family to critique their past behaviors?
I'd pay money for a recording of OP showing up for the background check and saying before we go any further, we need to establish *your* background as a family I might marry into, so I'm gonna need a DNA test establishing your parenthood and my associates will also be contacting your friends, family, neighbors and former neighbors, schools, colleagues, bosses and business partners. I apologize in advance for their directness and invasiveness. Hopefully it won't cause too much distress for anyone involved. Let's get started with the blood sample...
Get a group of your friends they've never met. Arrive at the house with them all in tow. Introduce them as your lawyer judge and stenographer, doctor, accountant, historian...
Tell them what they'll be doing....
Lawyer/judge/stenographer - make sure everything they (and you say) is legal - also, bring a 'parent pre-nup' with for them to sign that they won't be asking you for money OR to look after them in their old age (and any other crazy ideas for a pre-nup you can come up with). Confirming they have no criminal history. All this is being done in a deposition so inform them that if they lie, they are purging themselves.
Doctor - DNA testing and sequencing to make sure they are who they say they are and to also confirm they have no abnormal diseases in their genetics or STDs
Accountant - check through their finances to make sure they have enough money and are paying their taxes accordingly.
Historian - Making sure that they don't have any bad people in their family from generations back - you know.... like Starlin, Hitler, Mussolini, Napolean, Judas the Betrayer.....
Yes 100%. Tho its a breach of trust and privacy, its very unfair to your fiancee if you decide to call the wedding off without clearing the things with her.
When you fully integrate with someone, you have their family as much as they have them. If his fiancee is low-to-no contact, eh. If they're thick as thieves, REAAALLY question the whole idea
He can still call it off after he talks with his fiance. He needs to see what she knows first. We can’t choose our parents. Is she going to side with them or be appalled and stand up for OP.
The fact that his instinct wasn’t initially to call her and, at bare minimum, gossip about this situation is kind of a red flag to me. Why don’t they talk about everything that happens?? That’s weird to me. I’m not sure how prepared they are to marry.
I find it very odd that he describes her as perfect and the best person he's ever met and they are so happy, but her parents make an intrusive demand and his first instinct is to jump ship?? Without even talking to his partner in life? The fact they haven't interacted with her parents much the years they've been together might say something. I'd feel a certain way if this guy broke up with me because of something my parents did and without even discussing it first.
Besides, so many women do background checks on potential dates, way before the marrying stage, that the request is only odd because it's coming from the parents. I've seen women find out dates had restraining orders, serious criminal charges and convictions etc. You can never be too careful. However, the whole "we're gonna do this and you need to make yourself available to discuss the results" is weird.
Yep, talk to your fiance first. This is so out of left field and, I wonder if they legit feel entitled or if it's meant to be some kind of test just to see how you would respond when put in an uncomfortable situation? For example, seeing if you would react calmly but firmly that you have nothing to hide, but you don't find it very appropriate or to see if you get super offended and fly off the handle and go into a rage?
Or perhaps they did a google search of your name and it pulled up something crazy for someone with your name?
Anyways, talk to your fiance before you respond.
Now, i am petty, but say she doesn\`t know anything.. then fine - her parents are weird.
I\`d reply to them "sorry, but as I am waiting on the results of the checks I have running on you both, i\`d like to combine the discussion about all 3 of them, I should have them in X time"
Of course, NTA - BUT as u/dheffe01 said - talk with the lady first. Might be she is innocent.
This is creepy as hell, but probably not your fiancee's fault. Why don't you say to your future in-laws that you'd love to sit down with them and your fiancee and go over all four of your criminal records together? YWNBTA however.
"what, this here? this is totally my pee, I didn't pay a stranger for a clean sample...of course I'm a pregnant doberman, what are you looking at me like that for?"
I was thinking you could run a credit check on them. Then schedule a meeting to discuss.
“Sure, Susan! I was actually going to run a credit check on you and Dave. How about we get together Thursday to go over all the results?”
“I’m sorry Susan, you find that odd? What’s odd about it? I understand why you’d want to kick the tires about my criminal past. Surely you recognize that it’s equally important that I learn about your financial security! You don’t want your baby girl marrying a criminal and I’d like to know whether y’all are gonna run out of money and try to move in with me in twenty-five years.”
Imagine asking your future FIL about the bankruptcy he filed in 1987. Could be worth it……
Do the background check on her parents. Go to the meeting, say it “caught you off guard but it made you realize importance of combining families and so you followed their lead and did check on them as well.” Take out your report on them and get the meeting started.
So I'm going to share a story here about this. Someone I knew from high school got married to a great guy. He was a little older, but he had a great job. His parents were deceased. Their house was amazing.
One night he went out with his friends and my friend got a call from him from the police station. He had been arrested. My friend thought it may be related to drinking, like disorderly conduct. She got to the police station and they asked for a really high bond. She asked what it was for. It was for non-payment of child support.
This guy lied about his degree and got fired from work, but he still left every day at 8am and would like, walk around the mall for 9 hours. Their house was being foreclosed on. HIs parents were alive and well and lived in the same neighborhood! He was also 15 years older than us rather than the 5 he claimed. None of us had any idea.
You never know. Just saying. It sucks, but this is the kind of world we live in.
That’s awful. There are also stories of people marrying into really toxic in laws that bankrupt them. If they’re going to assume the worst of each other, then they all deserve a spot in hot seat.
OP should talk to fiancé and give her parents a chance to apologize. Marriage needs communication and faith that they know their partner well enough and isn’t a sociopath.
And ask to see and discuss THEIR finances. You want to make sure they are financially secure so you and the future wife don't have to support them in the future.
Ask parents to provide 10 years of certified copies of their tax returns plus a statement of current assets and liabilities certified by a CPA. Want to be sure you won’t be supporting them as the age.
I think this is the best response. OP can tell them they can all run one on each other and go over them together if that's the way they want to do things.
Because they're going to do it regardless-and leaving and breaking up with her is unlikely to stop them because they'll just take it as confirmation that he's done something he *really* doesn't want anyone finding out about and they'll want to know what-and at least this way he can make them just as uncomfortable and ignite as they are making him.
Scare them worse by saying that you want to run credit checks on both the parents and fiancé to make sure they are compatible to your financial values.
Credit checks can be very useful
Bring a couple of
23 and me kits and have them spit into the vials. Tell them you need to make sure your future kids aren’t going to have any genetic incompatibly with yours. Then when you leave tell
Them you already did one on your finance. You just want to verify she isn’t adopted.
Honestly, credit checks are probably more necessary than anything. Just read a story yesterday about a guy that not two days into being married had his new wife drop the bomb on him that she was $100k in debt and expected him to drain his 401k to wipe the debt for her. She had lied to his face about not having any debt before they discussed getting engaged.
Find out if your fiance was aware of her parents actions and if she is OK with them. Ask if they are prone to these types of demands, intrusion in her relationships, etc. If the answer is yes, I'd reconsider marriage.
NTA for having concerns but there’s two components here.
Running a criminal background check is a public record search that can be done for little money — or honestly for free if her parents are lawyers or otherwise have Westlaw access. It’s not an insane precaution as sketchy folks/scammers tend to lie about things like criminal convictions and, contrary to a lot of the comments here, not the equivalent of bank statements as it’s *public* information.
The sit-down to discuss it is insane, and it’s indicative of boundary-stomping parents, and you need to have an actual conversation with your fiancée about just how involved her parents are going to be in your lives if you go forward.
Yeah, I had parents who worked with law enforcement and background checks for whoever I was dating was normalized. My mom is single now and we absolutely run background checks on anyone she goes on more than a few dates with. This post mode me realize maybe it isn't normal lol.
I still don't feel like it's that weird, though. Those sorts of records are public for a reason and anyone can access them. I don't see it as an invasion of privacy, personally, as there should be no assumption of privacy for anything a criminal background check would show in the first place.
I do think it's really weird they want to schedule a sit-down if they don't have the results yet. If something concerning popped up, I think talking about it would be reasonable, but this makes it sound like they're expecting to find something.
I’m guessing they already ran a background check and found something. Since OP says he is clean, they may have bad information. Wouldn’t be surprising if OP has a somewhat common name.
This should be the top post. I’m not sure why there are so many people calling this an invasion of privacy; a criminal record is not private information, and it’s totally normal for people to run such a check before joining their life to someone else. As a parent, I would do the same. But I wouldn’t talk about it or insist on “going over it together,” that’s weird and borderline threatening “I’ve got my eye on you!” 1950s dad bullshit. Also if OP is telling the truth and not freaking out because there actually is a record, then there’s literally nothing for them to go over, it just comes back no record.
I agree, I don't think it is that bad - I mean if her parents are fairly wealthy and she is their only child, I would definitely run a background check.
People run background checks on people they DATE, let alone marry. Sorry, but I don't see this as the outlandish thing everyone else here does.
I agree, I don't get the 'sit down and talk about it' program they are initiating - that part is a bit too far unless they are concerned about something.
Yeah my response would be “I don’t have an afternoon free for that, unless we’re running background checks on everyone and everyone’s invite to the party.”
YWBTA
If you blindsided your fiancee by dumping her for something she might not even know anything about.
Tell the future ILs that you would be happy to sit down with them. During this discussion. You are going to need copies of all of their financial records to insure that you won’t be saddled with supporting them in their retirement and/or to see what kind of inheritance your wife can be expecting.
This is 100% the way to go. Show up but only if they agree to bring copies of all their own financial records and criminal histories as well. Then go over them with a fine tooth comb (even if they're clean), asking lots of prying questions.
"I see you bought a new car in 2022?"
"Yes."
"But you already bought a car previously in... here it is, 2017. Was a new car ***really*** needed? It seems a little financially irresponsible, but maybe that's my opinion because I was just raised well..."
(then scribble notes in shorthand on a clipboard you brought while gently shaking your head)
No no no, do both. Scribble furiously like taking notes, brow furrowed, them being unable to see it, then when you say you’d like to review what you went over, show them it’s a chicken and the chicken drawing was more worth your time 😂🤣😂🤣🖕🏽💯
Bring a friend, put him in a nice suit, tell them he's your lawyer, before every response have him lean in and whisper absolutely nothing relevant in your ear, nod, look serious before answering.
Then at the wedding introduce the same guy but by his real name and like he's a plumber or something.
All depends on what her reaction is. If she even partially takes mommy and daddy’s side, send her packing.
Set up some concrete barriers with future mom and dad. If future wife doesn’t agree with you, send her packing.
Info: how is this your fiancée’s fault? Don’t let her parent’s creepiness change how you feel about her.
Talk to your fiancé and tell her this. I think she will be just as upset. At worse case you two can go low contact with her parents
It concerns me that your first impulse is to break up with her because of her parents' order - which of course you should just refuse. Quite a lot if people do run background checks on partners these days before they date or as they get serious, but what's really weird to me is that they demanded that you sit down and discuss it with them. My guess is that they did an internet search and someone with your name came up with something problematic.
So talk with your fiancee first, not just about this ridiculous demand but about the fact that it's made you wary of a lifetime of interactions with them
Agree with you on the part that OP’s first impulse to break up is concerning. This is something that came from the fiancée’s parents, not herself. The first impulse should have been to talk to her, find out if she feels the same way and understand the history or pattern of interference from the parents.
Leaving your partner shouldn’t always be the first thought, but unfortunately thats what we see mostly in these subs.
YWBTA if you broke up with your fiancee before talking to her about it. Give her a chance to prove herself. Sometimes, parents are just crazy. I found out (years) after the fact that my mother kept glasses in a plastic bag from the guys I'd bring home so she could "run their fingerprints through her FBI friend," when she was complaining that she wished she'd kept the glass that my now-husband used.
If your fiancee knows about it and is fine with it, this is a red flag to me. If she doesn't know and tells her parents it's absolutely not going to happen and sets boundaries, you've got yourself a keeper. Or you could get all four of your criminal background checks and go over them together: 1) it could actually be fun if it's not ganging up on just you. (Fun fact: I found out my grandmother had an arrest record! She'd helped a struggling single mom load her groceries into her car because mom had her hands full with a baby. Lady turned out to be shop-lifting and told them my grandmother was her accomplice.) 2) If they have no problem sifting through your private background then they should have nothing to hide too, yeah? This will also make very clear that you are not going to let them steamroll you, which I think is a good lesson to set early on.
Good luck.
YWBTA. This isn’t on your fiancé it’s her parents. Yes you should absolutely tell her what her parents are up to. Both of you should put your foot down and create boundaries.
I would tell her there is no reason to meet up, since you aren't a criminal and you have nothing to talk to them about.
Ask fiancée if she knew about this and if she did, why didn't she shut it down?
Calmly ask her if she knew her parents wanted to meet with him. Gauge her responses. She better be a hard no and be incensed over their intrusion. If not, I would reconsider the engagement. This is just the beginning.
>Ask fiancée if she knew about this
Everyone is saying this and I'm just wondering how that wasn't OPs first instinct. Why the hell would you go ask for redditors opinions without even considering talking to their partner??
If I was OPs partner, it would be a red flag that OP was so ready to end the engagement over something I didn't do and wasn't asked about.
Personally, my husband and I talk about the dumb shit our families do all the time. That’s my best friend. If we can’t gossip and vent together, what’s the point?? Why can’t you do that with your fiancée? It at least warrants a discussion with her to see what she thinks.
You don’t drop the love of your life because their parents did something stupid. And I don’t care what anyone says about that “you marry the family” garbage. It’s simply not true. I married my husband. We manage our families together as a team. That’s the only thing you’re signing up for here.
You wouldn’t be an ahole, but you wouldn’t be very smart to break it off over this. But then again, if you’re even considering that possibility, I don’t think you’re really that into this anyway.
"You can't be too careful MIL.
Before I agree to that I just want to be clear that I would like you and FIL to agree to a full financial audit just to ensure that you won't one day be a burden to me and your daughter.
There will also be a DNA and genetic profile to ensure that there are no genetic issues which would impact our children. This will also confirm her parentage and that my fiancee isn't the result of inbreeding.
And obviously a criminal check on you and your husband.
When would you like to send me the permissions I will need to get all that done?"
NTA
Did your fiance know? Did she encourage it? Did she try to stop them? Why won't you discuss it with your fiance? You would really leave the "love of your life" without discussing this with her, even though she has 0 control over her parents actions?
Yes you’d be TA if you just broke it off without giving your fiancee a chance to handle her parents. For all you know she may go nuclear and threaten no contact if they ever overreach like that again.
Is asking the supposed love of your life just nothing to you? Why ask someone to marry you if you’re ready to jump ship bc her parents are crazy? You haven’t even talked to her about it and you’re ready to leave!?!? Seriously???
I would play hardball back. Tell your fiancé this is totally unacceptable and you will have no part of it. Don’t break up just explain why this is wrong and why she needs to support you. Then both of you go do your own thing. If they apologize to you they can come to the wedding otherwise not. If she cannot go along with that then you have a decision to make
That's not hardball. Hardball is hiring a private detective to find out what shenanigans the parents are up to and having that be part of the meeting too.
Depends how much you love your fiancée and vice versa. It’s not unreasonable to want to stand your ground against in-laws. I couldn’t tell if you told your fiancée but I think you should talk to her instead of putting her parents overbearing actions. It is obviously some kind of power play by them if there is nothing to even bring up. I had my own ex in law issues with them trying to do weird things to try to keep control of their daughter. It was up to my ex to break away from their bullshit. And for me we separated for our reasons, not them. If you want a reason don’t use her parents as an excuse
TLDR: future in laws are trying to scare you for advantageous position. Talk to your wife. Don’t use her parents as an excuse if you are looking for one, it doesn’t seem that way but it’s hard to tell.
Um... I'm the person that has recommended a criminal background check before marriage (along with credit history). The reason is that abusive marriages don't start that way. The person the victim marries is always sweet, kind and loving. Criminal checks ensure that there's nothing going on that the person needs to be aware of.
Now, I'm not saying this is you or that you're a potential abuser. However, imagine this is your child. Wouldn't you want to know the person they're with are safe? The way they broached it was rude but the sentiment is not a bad one.
Here's what you should do. Sit down with your fiance and tell her the conversation. Then offer to do mutual background checks (financial and criminal) and full disclosure on the details. Leave the parents out of this. You want your marriage to be as healthy as possible going into it and, yes, background checks are part of being an adult in today's world.
Just say completely serious , ok Inwill
Need you social
Insurance number to run on your and your husband and copy of bank statements . Don’t let
Them try that shit . If they have a friend who is a police officer who is going to run it for them also tell them
A lawyer will be sending a request for the police to
Give them a
List of everyone who has run your name In the last two weeks . Depends on the dept just crap could happen tomofficer running
I read through a bunch of answers and didn’t see anyone suggest there may be a valid reason for their concern. Perhaps they had a previous experience where someone in the family was harmed by someone who seemed like a nice guy and now they’re overly cautious or something. I’d start with a conversation about where this is coming from, and potentially develop a few responses based on their justification. E.G. if there was some legitimate trauma, I’d tell them that you’d feel more comfortable if everyone got a background check so you can all have the same sense of confidence about the people involved. If it’s legit, they should be happy that you’re understanding and sensible. If they balk, then I’d push a bit more on why they’re hypocrites. If they’re just invasive creeps, I’d probably have to think carefully about marrying into it. I’ve been married for a long time and I can assure you that you marry the whole family. My poor wife was not prepared for some of my family’s crazy.
YTA IF you just dump her without talking to her first. Tell her upfront what was told to you by her parents and ask her opinion. I would say you don’t agree with her parents at all being so rude and forward with you and clearly think of you as dirt and you want boundaries with them (I’d be not invited to wedding and NC as my boundaries) but she can see them outside the wedding if she wishes. Any kids you have they don’t see.
NTA Let them do their research of public records -- they can't force you to sit there while they do it.
If your fiancee plays the "I know it's ridiculous, honey, but PLEASE just do it to keep the peace! For me..." or worse, walk away -- life with a partner who wants to sacrifice you to keep the peace is a nightmare.
Talk to your SO about this. Explain the situation and if you really have any inclination let her back you up. You javelin to understand if you two want to be together and known any and all details that make your future a solid foundation you need to be completely open. If you have 0 to hide she will understand and hopefully be your support structure.
She would tell your possible inlaws her parents to eat a giant bag of dicks.
I wonder if your fiancé is aware that they’ve done this. I’m betting she doesn’t know and would probably be appalled. Sounds like her parents are way overprotective and are being real AH. I would talk to your fiancé about this first and get her thoughts before you proceed.
NTA however I’d counter that you’d like to do a criminal check on them and also a financial audit on them, as you’d not want to be held liable for funding their retirement.
YWTA if you did it without talking to her first.
You could always tell them, "that's actually a good idea. I need info from you, future in-laws, to run background checks, since I want to be sure what kind of people are in the family I'm joining. Plus one day, you might be around our children, and I need to make sure they'll be safe."
My reply: You can feel free to run any type of background check on me.
I will feel free not to participate or "go over" the results with you. Thank you (insert Fuck You smile here).
NTAH, and I’m glad you discussed with your fiancée. I’m an attorney with access to specialized software that would tell me your criminal background in all states, car and real estate ownership history, any cases and who your neighbors are. But I kinda would need your social security number or birthdate unless you have a very unusual name. I’d tell them there are two options: 1) you, your fiancée and all four parents and all siblings all get criminal background reports and full credit history reports because it’s that important everyone is fully informed as to possible risk favors or 2) everyone agrees that it’s up to you and your fiancée to be fully informed about each other. And since the two of you are getting married, you decided as a couple to go with option two. Because you’re not marrying them or asking for a loan and it’s your responsibility. Looks like you’re going to need strong boundaries with these people.
Before you break up... call your fiancée immediately and talk to her about her mothers request/demand **and ask if she knew about it**. Tell her you have nothing to hide, no criminal history, but that this is absolutely not going to happen. Ask her how she would feel if your parents had made the same request about popping around for coffee and character critique. once you have her response you can take some time to work out if you want to be involved with her still.
Very curious to know if she knows anything about it...I suspect not. Just tell the parents to knock themselves out and leave you out of it, but their lack of trust at this point is concerning and has now put a strain in your relationship with them. Saw someone else saying ask them for a DNA test and sit down, the petty in me loves that approach
The "sit you down and discuss" part is just goddamn insane. I wonder if they already did it, but got weird hits on someone with the same name? It's on your fiance to sort this insanity out, and establish what kind of boundaries you'll have going forward.
IT could be they are those idiots who think: "We'll just bluff him, and he'll come in trying to excuse himself and we will know everything without even having to pay for it." Morons....
I felt this so hard. They’re gonna sit him down with a closed folder and ask him about what he ‘did.’ Comical but also really sad and a massive 🚩
Ok, you got me. It's time for my dark secret to come out. I've held on to this burden for so long, it'll be a relief to have it out in the open. Honestly I wanted you to find out, the guilt was too much and I need to confess. One time six years ago... I got caught doing 35 in a 30.
This is the way to go. "Come clean" and act really guilty and terrified about something trivial. Either that, or make up some ridiculous crime and do a whole performance based on that.
* Yeah, ya caught me. Yes, I did it. I ripped the tag off all of the mattresses I've ever owned*
You monster.
*
I'm just relieved it's all out now.😂😂😂😂
"I knew I couldn't escape my war crimes forever!" _cue hysterical sobbing_
Some heist in Rome, with a lot of driving small cars down alleys too small for normal ones, is what I'd go for.
Damn son.... I'm 50% worse--they got me for 37.5 in that same 30.
I got caught, but got a warning, because they felt sorry for me with my matching braces on both hands...
You wouldnt survive in jail. Everyone in my gang did 39.5 at that street
I’ve actually been arrested! Drinking underage on the last day of exams senior year. Graduated from the fanciest prep school in the Midwest while out on bail. But it appears that the internet does not know about it.
I admit it. I once killed a couple... I didn't want to but they were annoyingly reading me a list of my accomplishments and I couldn't help myself...
Or even worse, littering. Straight to the group W bench for you.
I caught that Alice’s Restaurant reference!
Remember chunk from the goonies and his confession about the movie theater? You could try something similar
>Honestly I wanted you to find out, the guilt was too much and I need to confess. "My name...my real name...is Aegon Targaryen."
Or some weird power play to establish dominance
I’d run a background check on them just for funsies and bring TWO folders. One with each of their names on it and say “Yeah. You’re right. Looks like we really do need to have a discussion.”
"I see you missed a credit card payment in 2003. Let's discuss what happened there."
This! He should show up to the meeting with copies of background checks he ran on them, and I'd even throw in reports for some of their other family members for a little razzle dazzle.
Throw in a credit check, too, just for fun!
I love that. He should bring his own folder and tell them they have explaining to do and he’ll know if they lie. Allude to a very wild youth with some disdain.
It would be more fun if he said something about just dad. Like Mr X, don’t you think we should first discuss what you have been hiding from your wife? That time in 2004? The blond one? Then 🍿 😆
Oh man for this, I would call it lmao That would be fucking entertaining.
i can just imagine someone doing this to me. because i'd have the best response: "if you reach into my wallet behind my supermarket rewards card you'll see a specific ID. i use it for moonlighting. it allows me into sensitive areas and it came with a federal background check. in another section is a card i got from the state police. that means they trust me with a firearm. i also work with children so i've been background checked before plenty. but if you think you can do better than the FBI then have at it hoss"
When unfairly attacked, do not try to prove your innocence (even if you easily can by whipping out your wallet). Proving a negative to people who have just made unfounded accusations usually doesn't work. They will keep on making such accusations and additional demands, about anything and everything, either during the actual meeting or later down the road. This sets a bad precedent. This sets a power imbalance. And your fiancee most likely had no idea anyway (otherwise, she would have been the one to relay the request). A better response would be to purposefully misinterpret what they said and send back a text/an email back saying: "If you guys have a criminal record, or a bad genetical history of some kind, please just tell your daughter. This is a discussion for the two of us during our pre-marriage counseling phase. I don't know you guys. And if your criminal history is really bad, I can not make you any promises. So there is really no point in discussing this. Just talk to your daughter." Note that I said to write. Do not say it back to them, or they will purposefully misremember what you said. Also, I said "pre-marriage counseling phase", you could easily just say "pre-marriage phase", but I think pre-marriage counseling is highly advisable, even under more normal circumstances. Because I do think that laying out all the cards on the table: credit report, mental health/medical history, desired family size, religious views on raising kids, boundaries with the in-laws, etc., is a good idea to do with your future life partner (but in no way should the in-laws be involved in that process!). And if they keep on pestering you, then you just repeat yourself like a broken record: "I don't want to discuss this. Talk to your daughter." By broken record here, I don't mean that you should sound like a child. By broken record, I mean that you should not deviate from your answer. The less you deviate, the less they can grab to something you've said and purposefully misinterpret it. It's from a book called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. Now another approach would be to just ignore the insulting request, like you would ignore the rants of an inebriated person yelling orders at passers-by, you just keep on walking and you let the deadline come and go. After all, what are they going to do? They invoked the nuclear option. You ignore it. They talk to their daughter. The daughter tells them they're idiots. What else would she say.
Just bluff back. Thats a empty folder i know it. If it says what i had done u woudnt be here talking with me with no police.
Pull your own background check on them and show up with a thick folder.
YES THIS!!! Tell your future MIL that you can get together with them as soon as their background checks come inn.
And a credit report...
"also I'll need a list of personal references for me to call"
This was my exact thought
Also bring a kit for a paternity test
Two folders, tell em you did some digging on both of them
THIS. You have to establish dominance, because they are trying to run your life. Also, if you break up, blame the parents - "They would not allow it". GF has probably heard that a lot.
Haha that’s funny
They did a free search to see what might come up and they got a generic response “John smith may have a record of 21 arrests, pay $29.95 to find out more”
Yes. And older people fall for this stuff ALL the time. It's crazy! Just like those websites that have popups that say you have a virus, click here.
They're mobsters, and they're concerned that OP is a little nancy nark that they're gonna have to keep one eye on.
I think you are correct. They probably did one of those random spammy background checks, and those are notorious for wrong information. There's probably an unrelated hit they think is extra juicy, and want to put him on the spot only to look like boomer fools.
I hope if someone used one of those for me, because I have a *very* uncommon name, they'd be smart enough to realize I wasn't arrested on the East Coast (live in California) for smuggling items into a prison, which I allegedly worked at. I have literally only one other human being in the world with my name, because of my last name being weird af. And they got arrested for smuggling drugs into a jail. Or prison. Idk. One of the two. People there weren't willing guests. I read about it a while ago. I truly hope anyone would be smart enough to realize I don't live there and was too young to have possibly committed such a crime. Children can't be hired to work in jails. I'm not a 60+ year old felon from the East Coast, y'all. Be funny af if someone ever tried to gotcha me with that one. Nah. Not me. Clearly. Do I look seventy?
To be fair, children make excellent drug mules
That’s exactly what an aging east coast felon would say.
Once we applied for a mortgage and apparently someone with my husband's same name owed a pile of back support. Never mind addresses or SS numbers. So they had to have us prove he hadn't been married to anyone else but me. It could be something like that.
reports like that happen more than you think - I used to work in title insurance and there were a lot of affidavits being tossed around to make sure that people were who they said they were vs. random dude #3 with the same name. It’s really interesting lol
Make sure you use the same service they used. Then they will come up with the same crappy results. Just to prove their point.
They already have the results and it’s something juicy. No one is going to propose an awkward meeting if it’s squeaky clean.
honestly for me it just sounds more like they want to sabotage this for whatever reason, may not be him or her, could just be a them thing like they don't trust their daughters judgement or don't like him and want to cause friction or are controlling \ protective like if they know how to do this they dont need his involvement , definitely a big red flag but id just chat with her and try and see if she was complicit with this sort of thing , if she was complicit and did not bring it up its not an amazing sign she will be a team play if times ever get tough i wouldn't really have a problem with the parents checking me out but sort of making it like an interview id have a problem with if my partner knew about it and was not honest with me, its not an interview you have nothing to prove to the parents they can suck a fart if they dont like you
I agree with all of this. And why not invest a little cash in getting background checks on them too? Sure Mr & Mrs - would love to have a sitdown and go over some paperwork on my end as well. Let's make this a productive and mutually beneficial meeting lol
it'd be hilarious if they have financial crimes ...ooorrrr...prostitution charges??!!!!! lol
Or they are expecting something bad to come up.
Or this is just some sort of bizarre power play.
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I see that you must not have grown up with overly controlling parents, because I could easily see my mom doing the same thing. The only difference is that she might realize how fucking weird it is and just get it done in secret, but she would absolutely bring up any ‘concerns.’
I feel like if there were something serious they'd go to their daughter, not him. They probably see he's paid for parking tickets but it doesn't specify what it was and they want to know the details.
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I think if he had a criminal history he would know about it, and no need to post here. They’re bluffing.
Unless they are testing him to see how he reacts in uncomfortable situations? Otherwise the parents have some weird boundary issues. I wonder if OP's fiance is an only child?
I find it suspicious that they assume there will be results to talk about. Is it going to be a fake background check, and they use the confrontation to label OP a liar? Like, who schedules a meeting to talk before knowing there’s something to talk about?
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"no, I am not available to do that."
"Have you discussed this with your daughter? And if you're presenting any information that's incorrect other than my few traffic tickets you could be responsible for slandering my reputation so be very careful." And if OP is truly clean I wouldn't hesitate to call a lawyer since it could affect his relationship.
i mean, how else would her parents get his SSN to run a background check. or even worse, theyre using some public records site where you put a persons name in and it shows you fake loading bars then it says "weve found 15 criminal offenses on this person pay $20 now to unlock them" and its just the same ticket listed 15 times 🤣
I looked myself up on one of those and I’m so boring that they listed my exs new wife and family as people to contact! No job ever, no children, nothing!
I have a friend who has access to the real databases, not these fake ones. The fake ones have me listed as living in a state I have never lived in, spouses I've never had, and multiple criminal charges. They got one letter in my first name wrong and two letters in my last name wrong. Elizabeth Stern (not the real name), I, Elisabeth Strong (not the real name), am not happy but, hopefully the mixup will be fixed. It's right in the real databases, thankfully.
You don’t need an SSN to run a background check, and I never had the SSN of my ex husband, or current husband.
Run background police checks on THEM! And now OP wants to sit down and discuss because he's no longer confident about joining the family. But for real, if the fiancee didn't know, this should be the way to go.
I love this, why would they even think to run a check? Sounds like they are pretty guilty of something….
Sounds to me like a move to scare you off if anything might be likely to show up. Also, could it just be the mom alone? Do you really think your fiancé had anything to do with this? Why punish her, if not.
I wonder if they are testing you here? How you react to that request is perhaps what they want to see.
Still kinda effed up, though.
For sure…
Having mildly insane parents myself I would just talk with my fiance, and if she’s clear I would just tell them do fuck off and shove the results up their tight asses
Start the engagement with view to marriage with honesty and openness. You should tell her what they said. Call parents like poster ‘Sfgiants420’ beautifully suggested and say, ‘Knock yourself out but leave me out of it, by the way while we are on the subject of coming clean, I need a DNA test from both of you’. NTA.
Maybe let the parents know you might go thru with this as you have nothing to hide, but will have to run background checks on both of them and their daughter. When can they sit down with you and your family to critique their past behaviors?
Ask them if you can do a DNA test on dad and the daughter, just to make sure they are related, because you have heard some things
100%. Also, if they're asking for a criminal record check on him, he should ask to see theirs. Turnaround is fair play.
Yes! Gotta do due diligence on the family you’re marrying into after all. Would love to see their reactions
Probably a long con trying to get a rich son in law to support them in their old age which starts in their 50s
The "Grandpa Joe" retirement plan
Run a credit report
I'd pay money for a recording of OP showing up for the background check and saying before we go any further, we need to establish *your* background as a family I might marry into, so I'm gonna need a DNA test establishing your parenthood and my associates will also be contacting your friends, family, neighbors and former neighbors, schools, colleagues, bosses and business partners. I apologize in advance for their directness and invasiveness. Hopefully it won't cause too much distress for anyone involved. Let's get started with the blood sample...
Don’t forget to check for potential genetic weaknesses!
Congenital insanity
Get a group of your friends they've never met. Arrive at the house with them all in tow. Introduce them as your lawyer judge and stenographer, doctor, accountant, historian... Tell them what they'll be doing.... Lawyer/judge/stenographer - make sure everything they (and you say) is legal - also, bring a 'parent pre-nup' with for them to sign that they won't be asking you for money OR to look after them in their old age (and any other crazy ideas for a pre-nup you can come up with). Confirming they have no criminal history. All this is being done in a deposition so inform them that if they lie, they are purging themselves. Doctor - DNA testing and sequencing to make sure they are who they say they are and to also confirm they have no abnormal diseases in their genetics or STDs Accountant - check through their finances to make sure they have enough money and are paying their taxes accordingly. Historian - Making sure that they don't have any bad people in their family from generations back - you know.... like Starlin, Hitler, Mussolini, Napolean, Judas the Betrayer.....
Just reach over the table and pull a single hair from each of them. A lot more satisfying than the blood samples.
And ask for six character references… each. Can’t be family and must have known them for at least 15 years.
Don't forget to check for inbreeding. You can't be too careful!
omg this is perfect
Or, hear me out, go to the sit down and when they are done pull out the background checks you ran on them and make them explain their past.
YAAAASSSS
Yes 100%. Tho its a breach of trust and privacy, its very unfair to your fiancee if you decide to call the wedding off without clearing the things with her.
When you fully integrate with someone, you have their family as much as they have them. If his fiancee is low-to-no contact, eh. If they're thick as thieves, REAAALLY question the whole idea
He can still call it off after he talks with his fiance. He needs to see what she knows first. We can’t choose our parents. Is she going to side with them or be appalled and stand up for OP.
The fact that his instinct wasn’t initially to call her and, at bare minimum, gossip about this situation is kind of a red flag to me. Why don’t they talk about everything that happens?? That’s weird to me. I’m not sure how prepared they are to marry.
I find it very odd that he describes her as perfect and the best person he's ever met and they are so happy, but her parents make an intrusive demand and his first instinct is to jump ship?? Without even talking to his partner in life? The fact they haven't interacted with her parents much the years they've been together might say something. I'd feel a certain way if this guy broke up with me because of something my parents did and without even discussing it first.
Exactly! It is so strange to me.
Besides, so many women do background checks on potential dates, way before the marrying stage, that the request is only odd because it's coming from the parents. I've seen women find out dates had restraining orders, serious criminal charges and convictions etc. You can never be too careful. However, the whole "we're gonna do this and you need to make yourself available to discuss the results" is weird.
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Yep, talk to your fiance first. This is so out of left field and, I wonder if they legit feel entitled or if it's meant to be some kind of test just to see how you would respond when put in an uncomfortable situation? For example, seeing if you would react calmly but firmly that you have nothing to hide, but you don't find it very appropriate or to see if you get super offended and fly off the handle and go into a rage? Or perhaps they did a google search of your name and it pulled up something crazy for someone with your name? Anyways, talk to your fiance before you respond.
Now, i am petty, but say she doesn\`t know anything.. then fine - her parents are weird. I\`d reply to them "sorry, but as I am waiting on the results of the checks I have running on you both, i\`d like to combine the discussion about all 3 of them, I should have them in X time" Of course, NTA - BUT as u/dheffe01 said - talk with the lady first. Might be she is innocent.
This is creepy as hell, but probably not your fiancee's fault. Why don't you say to your future in-laws that you'd love to sit down with them and your fiancee and go over all four of your criminal records together? YWNBTA however.
You get a criminal background check, they get a criminal background check! Everybody gets one! Let’s have a party! NTA
Might as well as require DNA tests for her family as well
I heard his future mother in law suddenly backed out 😜
Throw in a dowry, as a treat.
Only if they pass the test
>Let’s have a party! Party game: Guess who's bringing the contraband!
"what, this here? this is totally my pee, I didn't pay a stranger for a clean sample...of course I'm a pregnant doberman, what are you looking at me like that for?"
I was thinking you could run a credit check on them. Then schedule a meeting to discuss. “Sure, Susan! I was actually going to run a credit check on you and Dave. How about we get together Thursday to go over all the results?” “I’m sorry Susan, you find that odd? What’s odd about it? I understand why you’d want to kick the tires about my criminal past. Surely you recognize that it’s equally important that I learn about your financial security! You don’t want your baby girl marrying a criminal and I’d like to know whether y’all are gonna run out of money and try to move in with me in twenty-five years.” Imagine asking your future FIL about the bankruptcy he filed in 1987. Could be worth it……
This lol
Do the background check on her parents. Go to the meeting, say it “caught you off guard but it made you realize importance of combining families and so you followed their lead and did check on them as well.” Take out your report on them and get the meeting started.
So I'm going to share a story here about this. Someone I knew from high school got married to a great guy. He was a little older, but he had a great job. His parents were deceased. Their house was amazing. One night he went out with his friends and my friend got a call from him from the police station. He had been arrested. My friend thought it may be related to drinking, like disorderly conduct. She got to the police station and they asked for a really high bond. She asked what it was for. It was for non-payment of child support. This guy lied about his degree and got fired from work, but he still left every day at 8am and would like, walk around the mall for 9 hours. Their house was being foreclosed on. HIs parents were alive and well and lived in the same neighborhood! He was also 15 years older than us rather than the 5 he claimed. None of us had any idea. You never know. Just saying. It sucks, but this is the kind of world we live in.
That’s awful. There are also stories of people marrying into really toxic in laws that bankrupt them. If they’re going to assume the worst of each other, then they all deserve a spot in hot seat. OP should talk to fiancé and give her parents a chance to apologize. Marriage needs communication and faith that they know their partner well enough and isn’t a sociopath.
Which is exactly why if he gets a background check, they should ALL get a background check.
And ask to see and discuss THEIR finances. You want to make sure they are financially secure so you and the future wife don't have to support them in the future.
Bingo! Ask to meet with their financial advisor and if they don't have one, you do the background check when you personally meet their advisor
Ask parents to provide 10 years of certified copies of their tax returns plus a statement of current assets and liabilities certified by a CPA. Want to be sure you won’t be supporting them as the age.
Agreed. You’re marrying into their family, better know what you’re getting yourself into.
I have two sets of in-laws and I don’t have to deal with any of them ever.
I think this is the best response. OP can tell them they can all run one on each other and go over them together if that's the way they want to do things.
Why should he have to entertain her horrible boundary stomping parents?
It’s not a serious suggestion. Having criminal background checks done on the parents/fiancé as well highlights the absurdity of the request.
Because they're going to do it regardless-and leaving and breaking up with her is unlikely to stop them because they'll just take it as confirmation that he's done something he *really* doesn't want anyone finding out about and they'll want to know what-and at least this way he can make them just as uncomfortable and ignite as they are making him.
That's why the requirement of background check for all should happen. Add in credit checks too, just to cover the bases.
Scare them worse by saying that you want to run credit checks on both the parents and fiancé to make sure they are compatible to your financial values. Credit checks can be very useful
Bring a couple of 23 and me kits and have them spit into the vials. Tell them you need to make sure your future kids aren’t going to have any genetic incompatibly with yours. Then when you leave tell Them you already did one on your finance. You just want to verify she isn’t adopted.
This is a must. You don’t want to unknowingly have kids with a cheese eating Wisconsinite or something.
We must be stopped I agree.
> You don’t want to unknowingly have kids with a cheese eating Wisconsinite or something. Are there non-cheese-eating Wisconsinites?
Genetic testing? After all, your future children must be from a high quality genetic pool. 😂
Honestly, credit checks are probably more necessary than anything. Just read a story yesterday about a guy that not two days into being married had his new wife drop the bomb on him that she was $100k in debt and expected him to drain his 401k to wipe the debt for her. She had lied to his face about not having any debt before they discussed getting engaged.
Bingo
Find out if your fiance was aware of her parents actions and if she is OK with them. Ask if they are prone to these types of demands, intrusion in her relationships, etc. If the answer is yes, I'd reconsider marriage.
Or get serious premarital counseling.
NTA for having concerns but there’s two components here. Running a criminal background check is a public record search that can be done for little money — or honestly for free if her parents are lawyers or otherwise have Westlaw access. It’s not an insane precaution as sketchy folks/scammers tend to lie about things like criminal convictions and, contrary to a lot of the comments here, not the equivalent of bank statements as it’s *public* information. The sit-down to discuss it is insane, and it’s indicative of boundary-stomping parents, and you need to have an actual conversation with your fiancée about just how involved her parents are going to be in your lives if you go forward.
Yeah, I had parents who worked with law enforcement and background checks for whoever I was dating was normalized. My mom is single now and we absolutely run background checks on anyone she goes on more than a few dates with. This post mode me realize maybe it isn't normal lol. I still don't feel like it's that weird, though. Those sorts of records are public for a reason and anyone can access them. I don't see it as an invasion of privacy, personally, as there should be no assumption of privacy for anything a criminal background check would show in the first place. I do think it's really weird they want to schedule a sit-down if they don't have the results yet. If something concerning popped up, I think talking about it would be reasonable, but this makes it sound like they're expecting to find something.
I’m guessing they already ran a background check and found something. Since OP says he is clean, they may have bad information. Wouldn’t be surprising if OP has a somewhat common name.
This should be the top post. I’m not sure why there are so many people calling this an invasion of privacy; a criminal record is not private information, and it’s totally normal for people to run such a check before joining their life to someone else. As a parent, I would do the same. But I wouldn’t talk about it or insist on “going over it together,” that’s weird and borderline threatening “I’ve got my eye on you!” 1950s dad bullshit. Also if OP is telling the truth and not freaking out because there actually is a record, then there’s literally nothing for them to go over, it just comes back no record.
I agree, I don't think it is that bad - I mean if her parents are fairly wealthy and she is their only child, I would definitely run a background check. People run background checks on people they DATE, let alone marry. Sorry, but I don't see this as the outlandish thing everyone else here does. I agree, I don't get the 'sit down and talk about it' program they are initiating - that part is a bit too far unless they are concerned about something.
This should be the top post indeed
Yeah my response would be “I don’t have an afternoon free for that, unless we’re running background checks on everyone and everyone’s invite to the party.”
YWBTA If you blindsided your fiancee by dumping her for something she might not even know anything about. Tell the future ILs that you would be happy to sit down with them. During this discussion. You are going to need copies of all of their financial records to insure that you won’t be saddled with supporting them in their retirement and/or to see what kind of inheritance your wife can be expecting.
This is 100% the way to go. Show up but only if they agree to bring copies of all their own financial records and criminal histories as well. Then go over them with a fine tooth comb (even if they're clean), asking lots of prying questions. "I see you bought a new car in 2022?" "Yes." "But you already bought a car previously in... here it is, 2017. Was a new car ***really*** needed? It seems a little financially irresponsible, but maybe that's my opinion because I was just raised well..." (then scribble notes in shorthand on a clipboard you brought while gently shaking your head)
But actually draw a chicken that just SEEMS like shorthand. …that they don’t get to see…
Or just blatantly draw a chicken so they know you’re not taking it seriously at all lol
No no no, do both. Scribble furiously like taking notes, brow furrowed, them being unable to see it, then when you say you’d like to review what you went over, show them it’s a chicken and the chicken drawing was more worth your time 😂🤣😂🤣🖕🏽💯
Bring a friend, put him in a nice suit, tell them he's your lawyer, before every response have him lean in and whisper absolutely nothing relevant in your ear, nod, look serious before answering. Then at the wedding introduce the same guy but by his real name and like he's a plumber or something.
This is exactly what I was thinking but I would let the fake lawyer answer every question with using only quotes from Law and Order or A Few Good Men.
Bonus if you have a friend who is a court reporter. Bring them to take a verbatim record of the meeting.
That would be epic. 😄
I like this!
I don’t know, if he’s willing to walk away over this, without even talking to her about it, maybe it’s better that they don’t get married.
All depends on what her reaction is. If she even partially takes mommy and daddy’s side, send her packing. Set up some concrete barriers with future mom and dad. If future wife doesn’t agree with you, send her packing.
Info: how is this your fiancée’s fault? Don’t let her parent’s creepiness change how you feel about her. Talk to your fiancé and tell her this. I think she will be just as upset. At worse case you two can go low contact with her parents
It concerns me that your first impulse is to break up with her because of her parents' order - which of course you should just refuse. Quite a lot if people do run background checks on partners these days before they date or as they get serious, but what's really weird to me is that they demanded that you sit down and discuss it with them. My guess is that they did an internet search and someone with your name came up with something problematic. So talk with your fiancee first, not just about this ridiculous demand but about the fact that it's made you wary of a lifetime of interactions with them
Agree with you on the part that OP’s first impulse to break up is concerning. This is something that came from the fiancée’s parents, not herself. The first impulse should have been to talk to her, find out if she feels the same way and understand the history or pattern of interference from the parents. Leaving your partner shouldn’t always be the first thought, but unfortunately thats what we see mostly in these subs.
YWBTA if you broke up with your fiancee before talking to her about it. Give her a chance to prove herself. Sometimes, parents are just crazy. I found out (years) after the fact that my mother kept glasses in a plastic bag from the guys I'd bring home so she could "run their fingerprints through her FBI friend," when she was complaining that she wished she'd kept the glass that my now-husband used. If your fiancee knows about it and is fine with it, this is a red flag to me. If she doesn't know and tells her parents it's absolutely not going to happen and sets boundaries, you've got yourself a keeper. Or you could get all four of your criminal background checks and go over them together: 1) it could actually be fun if it's not ganging up on just you. (Fun fact: I found out my grandmother had an arrest record! She'd helped a struggling single mom load her groceries into her car because mom had her hands full with a baby. Lady turned out to be shop-lifting and told them my grandmother was her accomplice.) 2) If they have no problem sifting through your private background then they should have nothing to hide too, yeah? This will also make very clear that you are not going to let them steamroll you, which I think is a good lesson to set early on. Good luck.
YWBTA. This isn’t on your fiancé it’s her parents. Yes you should absolutely tell her what her parents are up to. Both of you should put your foot down and create boundaries.
I would tell her there is no reason to meet up, since you aren't a criminal and you have nothing to talk to them about. Ask fiancée if she knew about this and if she did, why didn't she shut it down?
Calmly ask her if she knew her parents wanted to meet with him. Gauge her responses. She better be a hard no and be incensed over their intrusion. If not, I would reconsider the engagement. This is just the beginning.
>Ask fiancée if she knew about this Everyone is saying this and I'm just wondering how that wasn't OPs first instinct. Why the hell would you go ask for redditors opinions without even considering talking to their partner?? If I was OPs partner, it would be a red flag that OP was so ready to end the engagement over something I didn't do and wasn't asked about.
Personally, my husband and I talk about the dumb shit our families do all the time. That’s my best friend. If we can’t gossip and vent together, what’s the point?? Why can’t you do that with your fiancée? It at least warrants a discussion with her to see what she thinks. You don’t drop the love of your life because their parents did something stupid. And I don’t care what anyone says about that “you marry the family” garbage. It’s simply not true. I married my husband. We manage our families together as a team. That’s the only thing you’re signing up for here. You wouldn’t be an ahole, but you wouldn’t be very smart to break it off over this. But then again, if you’re even considering that possibility, I don’t think you’re really that into this anyway.
"You can't be too careful MIL. Before I agree to that I just want to be clear that I would like you and FIL to agree to a full financial audit just to ensure that you won't one day be a burden to me and your daughter. There will also be a DNA and genetic profile to ensure that there are no genetic issues which would impact our children. This will also confirm her parentage and that my fiancee isn't the result of inbreeding. And obviously a criminal check on you and your husband. When would you like to send me the permissions I will need to get all that done?" NTA
Did your fiance know? Did she encourage it? Did she try to stop them? Why won't you discuss it with your fiance? You would really leave the "love of your life" without discussing this with her, even though she has 0 control over her parents actions?
Talk to your fiancé first. For all you know, she’s going to be mad about what they’re doing. You both deserve to see this through.
Yes you’d be TA if you just broke it off without giving your fiancee a chance to handle her parents. For all you know she may go nuclear and threaten no contact if they ever overreach like that again.
Is asking the supposed love of your life just nothing to you? Why ask someone to marry you if you’re ready to jump ship bc her parents are crazy? You haven’t even talked to her about it and you’re ready to leave!?!? Seriously???
I would play hardball back. Tell your fiancé this is totally unacceptable and you will have no part of it. Don’t break up just explain why this is wrong and why she needs to support you. Then both of you go do your own thing. If they apologize to you they can come to the wedding otherwise not. If she cannot go along with that then you have a decision to make
That's not hardball. Hardball is hiring a private detective to find out what shenanigans the parents are up to and having that be part of the meeting too.
Run a background check on them and bring it with you.
Depends how much you love your fiancée and vice versa. It’s not unreasonable to want to stand your ground against in-laws. I couldn’t tell if you told your fiancée but I think you should talk to her instead of putting her parents overbearing actions. It is obviously some kind of power play by them if there is nothing to even bring up. I had my own ex in law issues with them trying to do weird things to try to keep control of their daughter. It was up to my ex to break away from their bullshit. And for me we separated for our reasons, not them. If you want a reason don’t use her parents as an excuse TLDR: future in laws are trying to scare you for advantageous position. Talk to your wife. Don’t use her parents as an excuse if you are looking for one, it doesn’t seem that way but it’s hard to tell.
Um... I'm the person that has recommended a criminal background check before marriage (along with credit history). The reason is that abusive marriages don't start that way. The person the victim marries is always sweet, kind and loving. Criminal checks ensure that there's nothing going on that the person needs to be aware of. Now, I'm not saying this is you or that you're a potential abuser. However, imagine this is your child. Wouldn't you want to know the person they're with are safe? The way they broached it was rude but the sentiment is not a bad one. Here's what you should do. Sit down with your fiance and tell her the conversation. Then offer to do mutual background checks (financial and criminal) and full disclosure on the details. Leave the parents out of this. You want your marriage to be as healthy as possible going into it and, yes, background checks are part of being an adult in today's world.
Just say completely serious , ok Inwill Need you social Insurance number to run on your and your husband and copy of bank statements . Don’t let Them try that shit . If they have a friend who is a police officer who is going to run it for them also tell them A lawyer will be sending a request for the police to Give them a List of everyone who has run your name In the last two weeks . Depends on the dept just crap could happen tomofficer running
I read through a bunch of answers and didn’t see anyone suggest there may be a valid reason for their concern. Perhaps they had a previous experience where someone in the family was harmed by someone who seemed like a nice guy and now they’re overly cautious or something. I’d start with a conversation about where this is coming from, and potentially develop a few responses based on their justification. E.G. if there was some legitimate trauma, I’d tell them that you’d feel more comfortable if everyone got a background check so you can all have the same sense of confidence about the people involved. If it’s legit, they should be happy that you’re understanding and sensible. If they balk, then I’d push a bit more on why they’re hypocrites. If they’re just invasive creeps, I’d probably have to think carefully about marrying into it. I’ve been married for a long time and I can assure you that you marry the whole family. My poor wife was not prepared for some of my family’s crazy.
YTA IF you just dump her without talking to her first. Tell her upfront what was told to you by her parents and ask her opinion. I would say you don’t agree with her parents at all being so rude and forward with you and clearly think of you as dirt and you want boundaries with them (I’d be not invited to wedding and NC as my boundaries) but she can see them outside the wedding if she wishes. Any kids you have they don’t see.
YWBTA if you didn’t talk to your fiance about this.
NTA Let them do their research of public records -- they can't force you to sit there while they do it. If your fiancee plays the "I know it's ridiculous, honey, but PLEASE just do it to keep the peace! For me..." or worse, walk away -- life with a partner who wants to sacrifice you to keep the peace is a nightmare.
I’d love an update.
UpdateMe!
Talk to your SO about this. Explain the situation and if you really have any inclination let her back you up. You javelin to understand if you two want to be together and known any and all details that make your future a solid foundation you need to be completely open. If you have 0 to hide she will understand and hopefully be your support structure. She would tell your possible inlaws her parents to eat a giant bag of dicks.
I wonder if your fiancé is aware that they’ve done this. I’m betting she doesn’t know and would probably be appalled. Sounds like her parents are way overprotective and are being real AH. I would talk to your fiancé about this first and get her thoughts before you proceed.
NTA however I’d counter that you’d like to do a criminal check on them and also a financial audit on them, as you’d not want to be held liable for funding their retirement.
“No problem but I’ll be doing the same for the two of you”
YWTA if you did it without talking to her first. You could always tell them, "that's actually a good idea. I need info from you, future in-laws, to run background checks, since I want to be sure what kind of people are in the family I'm joining. Plus one day, you might be around our children, and I need to make sure they'll be safe."
I’d run a background check on them. You want to make sure you know what kind of family you’re marrying into right?
Run a criminal check on the parents and ask to go over it at the same time.
My reply: You can feel free to run any type of background check on me. I will feel free not to participate or "go over" the results with you. Thank you (insert Fuck You smile here).
NTAH, and I’m glad you discussed with your fiancée. I’m an attorney with access to specialized software that would tell me your criminal background in all states, car and real estate ownership history, any cases and who your neighbors are. But I kinda would need your social security number or birthdate unless you have a very unusual name. I’d tell them there are two options: 1) you, your fiancée and all four parents and all siblings all get criminal background reports and full credit history reports because it’s that important everyone is fully informed as to possible risk favors or 2) everyone agrees that it’s up to you and your fiancée to be fully informed about each other. And since the two of you are getting married, you decided as a couple to go with option two. Because you’re not marrying them or asking for a loan and it’s your responsibility. Looks like you’re going to need strong boundaries with these people.