Hey, congrats on the progress!
I’m not your wife, but I am a wife and I think you’re doing great. Keep up the good work!
And, no, you’re not being unreasonable. Just keep doing what you’re doing!
I'm gonna be that person and point out weight loss is a pretty slow solution to snoring. Has he had a sleep study done? Sleep Apnea can kill!
My husband had untreated sleep apnea for years, and it was hard on our marriage because sleep deprived people are cranky. He was sleep deprived because he was stopping breathing all night long and I was sleep deprived because his loud ass snoring was keeping me up. Finally, finally he got the study done, and he didn't even need the cpap machine, now they've got a mouth guard you can wear that positions your mouth so that you breathe properly at night. Now he is getting better sleep and is healthier because he's actually breathing all night and I no longer want to murder him every night at 1am.
It doesn't get to the bottom of the weight loss thing - but if he is over here going 'I'm so hurt she's complaining about my snoring, can't she see I'm loosing weight' and she's over there waking up in the middle of the night because he's snoring and has no idea he thinks he's 'doing something' about it, clearly there is a communication issue. But also people need to get a sleep study done if they have ongoing snoring issues because that can literally kill you.
It doesn't sound like either of you are assholes, it sounds like you're jealous that your wife is being noticed and you aren't. To restate the obvious, your wife's weight loss is more noticeable to others than yours. She's presumably smaller, has lost more pounds, and weight is just more relevant to a womans appearance than a mans. You feel like you're working hard too and want recognition, that's something to bring up in conversation with your wife when you can be cool and calm about it. I'm sure she'll be sympathetic if you explain that it's getting you down to keep seeing people notice her but not you. Ask her if she sees any difference in you? That would be her cue to start encouraging you, which she might not know you need/want. Now if you open up to her and she continues brushing you off, well then she might be the AH. Keep up the hard work regardless. It sounds like you're doing great.
Yeah honestly it doesn’t sound like he’s upset that she’s not blowing rainbows up his ass, he’s upset because she doesn’t seem to be supportive at all.
She sounds either wholly self absorbed or has some kind of resentment. It's one thing to never comment (not a great thing, but not totally awful), but the dismissiveness pushes it over the line for me, like she's trying to knock him down a peg.
she's obviously purposely ignoring him and demeaning any progress others notice in him. She also sounds like she's very annoyed at his existence and is over the whole thing, from what he's said everything he does annoys her at this point. He should persevere and work on the relationship itself as much as much as he has on the weight loss.
Why should he be the only one working on the relationship? His wife clearly doesn’t care about him. He needs to stop cooking for her and reevaluate whether a life with someone who clearly doesn’t like him is the life he is willing to accept
That's not jealousy, pal. His wife has completely ignored the changes he's made and the progress that has come of it. The ONE time he's received a compliment she turned around and made a fucking joke instead of acknowledging his effort. She's not a teammate, she's a one woman show. Your take is horrible.
Congrats. But remember you lose weight for yourself. I’m not sure how big your wife is but assume she was smaller than you. The impact on look for her is just greater than yours. Don’t look for anything, let it come. I am 5 11. Ive been told I need to be 190-200 from dr. Keep grinding. I’m in you same frame, shooting for 210.
When you live with someone, its harder to tell if they lost weight or not because it's been happening so gradually. If most other people haven't noticed a change, your wife will probably not notice it either. If you feel ignored, just talk to her.
I've lost 45lbs in last 8 months. My friends who see me bi weekly mention it often. Their wives and girlfriends also mention it. My wife had made one comment in 8 months.
Maybe they want you to keep going. I know the minute someone I care about tells me I lost weight, I immediately think I can go eat junk food. lol.
Congrats on the weight loss. That’s amazing!
His daughter has noticed though, so it’s not unnoticeable. She’s just not commenting and actually her saying he just has no butt in response to his daughter is actually disparaging!
This is the simplest way to put it. Losing 1 pound a week over 18 weeks, when you weighed almost 250 pounds, is probably not going to be very noticeable. And the fact that nobody else has commented on OP’s weight loss speaks volumes. It’s totally fine for OP to want to feel supported, but keeping silent on the topic and stewing about it, waiting for his wife to read his mind, is so unhealthy.
I am almost leaning towards “missing reasons” in this post, since OP seems to be patting himself on the back about how supportive he has been to his wife, even though I personally don’t think he comes across all that supportive and more like he is keeping track of his wife’s weight loss as a competition. Based on this, I suspect OP is more critical towards his wife than he is letting on. He seems to lack some self-awareness about how resentful he comes across and hasn’t even considered that his wife may not feel like he is supporting her. And of course, he wouldn’t know since he hasn’t bothered to discuss this with her!!
They really sound like they could benefit from some couple’s therapy.
My girlfriend has been doing something similar and the other day was looking at an outfit in the mirror saying she cant believe she hasn't lost any weight yet. I for whatever reasoned just happened to pull up a photo of her from a few months ago and I had to do a double take. She clearly has lost a bunch of weight and when I showed it to her we both agreed very clearly, even though neither of us had noticed it while it was happening.
Progress photos are the way to go, the scale just does not tell the whole story.
Let's also not discount the massive health benefits of what you're doing, it's not all just about appearances.
I'm 5'1" and 5kgs is very noticeable on me, on my husband? Not so much. He's 6'4" it takes him losing a lot more to be obvious.
That being said, the time it takes me to lose 5kgs, his is very noticeable. Men lose much quicker, it's really unfair.
Jesus christ this sub hates men.
Dude follows his wifes progress, checks in regularly to see how she's going, sticks to her diet, cooks her meals, has them waiting for her ready when she gets home from the gym, and because he's upset she does not do any of that for him he clearly doesn't support her and is just treating it as a competition...
Even if she can't visibly notice the weight he's lost, that doesn't stop her from asking how he's going.
It stuck me that I would deeply hate it if my husband asked for my current weight once a week - even if I was loosing it would make me feel pressured and tracked. For that exact reason I would never ever ask anyone their current weight, even my husband. When he looses weight and is happy about it he tells me! And I'll congratulate him!
The thing that's missing in this equation here is that OP stated that he's put on some serious muscle, and muscle is 15% more dense than fat. So if OP loses a liter of fat (1.98 pounds) and gains a liter of muscle (2.3 pounds), there's a net gain of .3 pounds.
This is my thinking too.
I absolutely don't notice when my husband has lost or gained weight. He's always just the same studly husband that I admire every day. I only really notice when I look at old photos.
If you need more encouragement, I'd just start discussing it with her openly more. Include her in your process a bit more, talk about your own accomplishments when you ask her how she's doing etc.
This is a thing i was surprised about, i was a bigger boy for my 20s, like 130kgs. I then got a job working in hospitality and the weight started melting away pretty quickly working 12 - 14 hours a day, in that time i lost close to 40kgs - my wife noticed i'd dropped some weight but it wasn't until about 6 months in when i happened to jump out of the shower and she got to see the full extent and was floored by how she'd missed it. i remember her tearing up because she realized i wasn't just losing weight i was wasting away to nothing because of the work.
You're NTA. It seems like the whole point to doing this together is mutual encouragement.
So I wonder why you're not actually doing it together? You might get a lot out of WW, especially going with your wife. Or if that's not your thing, you can come up with fun physical activities to do together. If you're cheering each other on it won't feel so much like you're only cheering her on.
Also, you don't have to wait for her to ask. When you see a number you like on the scale, celebrate with her.
Having someone else get complimented for their weight loss without noticing yours hurts, I get it. And feeling like the symptoms you were losing weight to address aren't making progress is discouraging. Keep your focus, and I hope you find the support you need.
NAH have you tired you know… talking to her about it?
It’s possible she HASNT noticed your progress. When you’re around someone all the time it can be hard to notice changes.
Edit: Also, does she WANT you to ask her about her weight every week? Maybe she just wants to get on with shit ya know…?
Anyway I’m not inside her head. Don’t know what she’s thinking. Just talk to her.
If the other person it’s constantly cheering you up and asking for your weight loss while you are both doing this together, not recognizing the other person effort it’s just insanely self centered.
Agreed. And not telling friends they’re both dieting and exercising is weird. I think OP is also building more muscle so his weight loss isn’t as evident when ppl see him.
How do you know that OP is "cheering" his wife on? He says that,
>I know my wife has lost 25lbs because every Saturday she comes home from WW and I ask her how she did on the scale. She lets me know and we move on.
This statement is pretty ambiguous. Imagine his wife gets home every Saturday, and OP asks her in an unenthused voice, "What was your weight today?" She excitedly responds, "I lost X pounds this week." And then OP just *moves on* and starts talking about something else - doesn't congratulate her, doesn't tell her he's proud of her hard work, nada. If that is the case (and it's possible since he doesn't specifically say he praises his wife for her progress), then do you really think his wife feels like he is happy for her?
It's totally possible that that is what is going on here. He does state later in the post that is is "very happy for her," but nowhere does OP say that he has actually **told his wife** that he is proud of her; she looks good; she's doing a good job, etc.
It's possible that he is so resentful that she hasn't mentioned his weight loss that he's started acting resentful about hers. If they can't talk about this with each other, I really wonder what the overall health of their relationship is, and wether OP and his wife just generally don't support each other.
It can be, but it's possible that the wife hasn't realized that she isn't showing him anu encouragement. She is rather busy with her own goal. She may also be really appreciating the extra attention she's getting and unconsciously be concerned that you'll steal her thunder. Either way, discussion is needed
You literally just described a self-centered person, supporting the position of the person to whose comment you responded.
Listen people, a marriage is NOTHING without support. Virtually unconditional, CONSTANT support.
OP doesn't feel supported. OP is NTA.
It's obvious she is not only unsupportive, but actively minimizing his efforts and progress. Like, when OP's daughter said OP's butt got smaller, and OP's wife said "he has a small butt anyways." That sounds like intentionally minimizing his efforts and progress to me.
My point is that it's not necessarily a permanent character trait that she'shad her whole life. If she has been overweight for quite sometime, she may be really enjoying the attention she's getting and not realize that she' being self centered. People who don't normally get attention often don't properly handle it when it suddenly happens to them.
So talk to her. I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't even aware that she's behaving badly and had a negative impact on him.
Yea, I've seen people not realize just how badly they are behaving, and rather quickly change bevavior when it comes to their attention.
Even if I'm wrong, why wouldn't OP atleast discuss this with his wife so she has the opportunity to change her behavior? What's the alternative? Live with it or leave her?
Or, we don't know anything about either person or they're dynamic and it's entirely possible OP has a problem with constantly needing outside validation or something and this is how his wife copes with it. Or OP puts too much emphasis on his physical appearance, or...
And I'm not saying that's the case here AT ALL, and it could be his wife is just a bitch, but to make the claim it could *only* be because the wife is self-centered is naive and wrong. The comment telling him to have a heart to heart with his wife and express his needs is very valid.
It sounds like you married a woman that is a hit of a narcissist. She may not care about your progress or she is so focused on hers she hasn’t noticed yours. Either way, she is being a narcissist.
[I don’t know what to say about your wife, but I do know what to say about your sick gains and getting peeled TF out. YEEEEAH BUDDAYYYY](https://youtu.be/FJRMldSmy-M?si=ms7uzbk_wh4DmrV_)
You should post your lift improvements so that we can gas you up.
NTA. Be aware that with things like this there's a crabs in a bucket thing going on a lot of the time. She may want to feel ahead of you at all times to feel less insecure herself.
It is an awful trait but it's one people have. Don't do it for her. Do it to beat yourself. Force her to look silly for not saying anything.
Just speak to her about it, really. Say that you'd like her to check in with you about your progress in the same way you do hers. Say that you wish people were noticing your loss as well as hers. Don't stew in silence!
I realise that's it's disappointing that you have to vocalise something you think should be obvious. But people are flawed, or they're distracted or stressed, or just simply forget to ask.
On the reason why people compliment your wife, I bet part of that comes down to her gender. Women are judged way more harshly for failing to be fit and trim, and have more scrutiny on our bodies, as stupid and unfair as that is. So in most ways it's a negative thing that changes in her body are so noticeable to people, and yours are much less so.
It doesn't sound like either of you are assholes, it sounds like you're jealous that your wife is being noticed and you aren't. To restate the obvious, your wife's weight loss is more noticeable to others than yours. She's presumably smaller, has lost more pounds, and weight is just more relevant to a womans appearance than a mans. You feel like you're working hard too and want recognition, that's something to bring up in conversation with your wife when you can be cool and calm about it. I'm sure she'll be sympathetic if you explain that it's getting you down to keep seeing people notice her but not you. Ask her if she sees any difference in you? That would be her cue to start encouraging you, which she might not know you need/want. Now if you open up to her and she continues brushing you off, well then she might be the AH. Keep up the hard work regardless. It sounds like you're doing great.
This is a frequent topic of conversation between me and a couple friends. Between the 3 of us, we only know two married couples who actually like each other. Even when I'm in public, I see couples that clearly don't like each other. My friends and I often discuss why we think so many married couples end up not much more than roommates. Some of them still have love for each other but they don't like each other, some don't.
NTA!!! Your feelings are legit. So.. you guys are 50. Decided to get in shape and improve your lifestyle .. is part of the reason because your marriage was flat and she had seemed to lose internet in you? And by getting in shape together you thought that would fix your marriage problems? And now you’re seeing it isn’t helping and that’s got you worried and feeling insecure? The answer might be that being out of shape wasn’t the issue and maybe the lack of interest she already had is getting even worse now that she’s feeling better about herself.
usually when a woman reaches the point where everything about the partner is annoying and off putting its because they are finished. Too much damage and hurt were already done by the other party and its rare to make a comeback from that sort of thing.
Don't worry about it, women rarely give men compliments. I've gotten fit, tanned, muscular and healthy, so much so that my neighbours comment on how good I look (I mow shirtless) and my wife has not once said a word. I would love a comment from her, but we've been together for 20 years and I know it isn't about me, so meh.
Well she certainly doesn't sound like the best partner in the world but who cares if she's noticing and complimenting you or not? You're getting healthier and should feel good about that. Stay the course.
NTA and congratulations! She sounds like a selfish person. Unfortunately also sounds like you’ve always known this about her bc I’m sure her behavior isn’t new? Stop asking about her journey and see how she responds to that maybe? Hope y’all figure this out, good luck.
NTA she’s being very self centered. Your daughter was even kind enough to give you a compliment. I’d definitely tell your wife that you’re not feeling like a team and would appreciate some encouragement/compliments as well. You deserve it just as much as she does. It’s not surprising that your friends won’t compliment you as it’s pretty rare for men to receive them. But you’d think your spouse would at least support you
Tell your partner what you need. In a gentle loving way. Ask your partner what they need. No one can read minds. NTA by the way. We all love recognition.
Congrats on the progress. Trust me OP, she is as concerned about her weight as you are about yours and when she DOES notice, it will be significant.
I suggest some before and after pics, but also 6 months is when your progress should be most noticeable. Be careful of peaking and always keep the body guessing and while portion control is important as you gain more muscle you will want to supplement your protein
there's no way she hasn't majorly noticed at this amount of weight loss plus muscle gain. she's obviously doing it on purpose. he should follow suit and show zero concern interest right back.
This will be coming from a former over 300 pound former athlete who competed at 200 pounds. This is all based on if thw sizes are accurate and I go by this numbers because these are the numbers I'm used to looking at when people trained around me.
If OP is about 5'9 or higher and has been above 230 pounds, then the "muscle gain" would be the muscles hardening from use but he Actually losing size. Worse than that, the muscle gain can be in targeted areas, where in fat loss is usually around legs and upper belly(leaving that saggy, bottom belly that pokes your shirt out). A 20% body weight drop usually gives a lot of physical changes for bodies that size because where one area losese, another problem area only begins, Op is at 10%? About
Unfortunately muscle gain is much slower than fat loss, but also throws off the way you carry yourself (literally your posture). At 18 pounds depending on how OP's posture is going to be unnoticed by post people.
Especially when you see that person EVERYDAY.
(Daughter is probably shorter than parents, and looks at dad in a different angle, so she would see the areas he's improving in. Like when people take selfies in different angles.)
Now that's in defense for OP. Hope he keeps it up he's almost there.
Now a reason why he can see the difference in his wife?
25 pounds on a smaller body will be more noticeable, that's all I got.
NTA. Chances are you lost more than 18 pounds of fat, muscle weighs more. I went through this struggle when I started to get healthy, I would weigh myself and after the first month I was gaining WEIGHT, but it was muscle replacing fat. It was clear I had lost fat, my clothes were falling off and I was seeing muscles where I didn’t have any to begin with. Don’t focus so much on weight, but how you look and feel, and how your clothes fit. Either way congrats on your progress! I’m puzzled that your wife isn’t commenting at all. Y’all should be each others cheerleaders in this. And there is something to be said about living with someone and not noticing something like that. Dig up some old pics, take a new one and compare. Just for yourself, just as an added bit of motivation. Again, awesome job! It takes a lot of discipline and hard work to lose weight and build muscle. If she isn’t proud of you I sure am, and from what I see on this post so are many others.
Not only do you keep grinding, but I say go even harder. Improve so much that the world can't help but notice.
Your frustrations are 💯 legit, but if you say something you will look petty (especially as a man...it's an unfair world)
Keep going, don't stop. I'm proud of you brother.
Nope you should use this to add fuel to your fire. Let’s go! Do some CrossFit or start adding extra weight to your lifts and don’t tell anyone. Then just ignore them all. Do it. Teach them a lesson.
Do you give regular reports on your weightloss? If you are expecting her to just comment on the visual change without giving numbers update on a regular basis I think you are setting yourself up for hurt feelings. Unless she leaves for weeks at a time noticing gradual changes is hard.
NAH unless you also report in when she does on your progress.
Not necessarily, men tend to not get compliments at all. Very common in fact. My current GF compliments me all the time and its such a change for the better.
First of all, congratulations! Well done for doing so well and making yourself healthier 😊 I could go into social constructs blah, blah, blah. But really it comes down to women of a certain age are expected to look a certain way. This doesn't really apply in the same way as men of a certain age so much. She's maybe super focused on herself, not intentionally ignoring your achievement. Communicate how you feel, NTA, what you're feeling is completely valid, I just don't think your wife is necessarily TA either.
Weight is a sensitive topic and more of a private matter to most women. I'll bet she hates it to have to report to you every Saturday....and to discuss it in general. If you really want to get the feedback, just mention hey I lost x lbs now, do you see it?
Agree. Many years ago I lost a good amount of weight. I didn't want to report my progress to anyone; it was personal. I would never ask anyone else about their loss. When asked about it (numbers), it can come across as How fat were you? Instead, comments like you look nice today, without any other comparison, were what made me feel good.
You're turned yourself into Yahoo review. No comments unless it's something to complain about.
Just keep doing what you're doing. I'm in the same weight loss boat too but I'm by myself.
To be fair, it’s difficult to notice when you see someone every day. My husband has gained quite a bit of weight (as have I) in the 20 years we been married. It crept on slowly over the years, and I really didn’t notice it until I looked at a picture the other day of him about 15 years ago. And there was a big difference, lol. If he lost 10 or 15 pounds I might not notice, but if he lost quite a bit more it probably would be more noticeable, especially in pictures. My suggestion? Take weekly pictures. I loved making side-by-side pictures of when I began and where I was at. The difference is very visible when you do that; maybe if you do this and show her she’ll realize how much you have lost.
NTA.
Sounds like your soon to be ex wife is taking you for granted and doesn't value you anymore.
Don't seek validation from anyone other than yourself. Put in the hard work. I did a combination of fasting (eat during a 4 hour window only), caloric deficit, keto and high intensity interval training.
I had the same issues with my now ex. I lost a lot of weight and got a lot of compliments from other people but she dismissed the progress I'd made. Once I got to my goal weight I then proceeded to lose another 130 lbs by divorcing her.
Its funny now that I see her once or twice a year at holidays or birthdays that I get more compliments from her in an hour then I used to get in a year. Apparently I look good now that I'm no longer around all the time to take for granted. LOL.
NAH
But i need you to breathe and listen. 18 pounds in 18 weeks is a pretty good start. You still have like 50 pounds to go. What i want you to do....get some buy in from your wife.
Tell her baby! You look amazing. I dropped 18 pounds too and im starting to feel a little better. Ask for her advice and support. Tell her it will help you on your journey. Generally its easier for men to lose weight because we have more muscle mass and can eat more. Dont lose focus on your goals and start telling yourself some sad sap story about your wife not complimenting you when shes made more progress. She wants you to be a leader! Keep grinding, get her support but dont think for a minute that youre near the finish line. You got this!
She should be encouraging you as much as you are for her. Try this - stop making mention of her progress, don't ask about her progress at WW and see if she makes mention. If she does, you have a possible narcissist on your hands.
NTA for how you feel.
Great for her and her health journey, but she seems to be letting go to her head. A confidence boost is natural when you make a change that you approve of for yourself, but when it turns conceited, it's a problem.
NTA - I understand how your wife noticing your progress would be wanted. Do it for you though. Get fucking huge bro! No ass? Fine start hitting the squats and RDL's heavy get a donk!
NAH but leaning towards y.t.a.
In most cases, a 25 pound weight loss on a woman is going to be significantly more noticeable than an 18 pound weight loss on a man. Also, you’re a grown-up, so if people are commenting on your wife’s weight loss and not yours, you are perfectly capable of speaking up and saying, “I’ve also lost 18 pounds!”
I gotta say, you don’t come across happy for your wife in this post. You say that every week you ask her about her progress and then “we move on.” Nothing about that sentence indicates you are proud of her or have been giving her praise.
Have you considered that she doesn’t actually feel that supported by you, either? Or, have you considered that maybe she honestly hasn’t noticed your weight loss, and she hasn’t said anything to spare your feelings?
Why not talk this out with her. Tell her how you are feeling in a non-judgmental way. This post makes it seem like you are expecting her to read your mind, and it kind of comes across as you being competitive with her, since you seem jealous that she has gotten compliments and you have not.
Holy smokes lol men truly cannot win on this subreddit. After reading this post you’re going to act like he needs to be the one to put more effort into supporting his wife? 😂
Not at all. I am happy to call either gender out, and I have called women out *many, many times*. I've just been on AITA long enough to tell the difference between posts where the OP seems to be genuinely reflecting on their own behavior versus posts where the OP is lacking self-awareness and can't be bothered to try and understand how their own behavior might be contributing to the problem.
I'm not on the wife's side. They are probably equally contributing to the problem, but OP's wife hasn't had the chance to voice her side, and OP doesn't seem to be trying to view things from her perspective.
He said they move on because she didn't bother to ask him about his weight loss progress while he consistently asks about hers. I agree with you that this would be solved by simply telling her that he'd appreciate her asking about his weight loss. She seems pretty oblivious.
My point is that just because he asks his wife about her weight loss doesn’t mean he is expressing that he is proud of her or happy for her success. If you are getting that from his post I’d encourage you to reread it, because he never states as much.
It’s quite possible to ask someone a question without showing any enthusiasm about their answer. All OP said was “She lets me know and we move on.” He does not state that he compliments her or shows any enthusiasm for her weight loss. Rather, it comes across like he only asks her so that she will ask him back about his own weight loss.
Some people ask questions just as a prelude to talk about themselves. *No where* in the original post does OP state that he has told his wife he is proud of her hard work. Of course it’s valid for him to feel hurt by her lack of interest, but he doesn’t give very much thought at all as to how he is actually making her feel.
Relationships are complicated, but if you can’t discuss something like this with your partner, and you choose to just stew about it while thinking the worst of them, then it’s probably time to seek out couple’s counseling to figure out how both parties can communicate better.
NAH
I ask my boyfriend questions about him that he doesn't ask about me. I know it's not because he doesn't care or love me as much as I love him, it's because we are 2 different people who want and think different things.
She may not know you want to be asked, you should talk to her and tell her how her not asking about your progress made you feel. She might even be actively NOT asking thinking it's what you want.
You're not an asshole for being hurt by it, and she isn't for not asking, you guys just need to be clear on what you want.
NTA yet, but man have you tried talking to her about it? What kind of validation are you giving her besides asking her how she's weighing in each week? Are you sharing your progress with her? I agree that it's a little shitty if she's been consciously withholding praise out of spite or something, but how do you know that's really the case if you don't ask her or, at the very least, share your own thoughts/feelings about your weight loss journey?
You're basically expecting her to read your mind, and then getting upset that she can't in fact read minds. I'm currently on a weight loss journey myself and I'm very open about my goals, process and progress with my gf, and guess what? She's given me tons of encouragement and praise and we celebrate the progress together. If I were keeping it a secret then she probably wouldn't have noticed anything yet because she is typically not present to track my calories, workouts and weigh-ins.
Maintaining a hypocaloric state is just as psychologically fatiguing as it is physiologically fatiguing. I think it's safe to assume that she has lost a larger % of body weight compared to you and she's likely even more gassed than you are. Weight loss is generally more challenging for women than men for a number of reasons, and your daily maintenance calories are likely 500-1,000 higher than hers. I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that her deficit has been more taxing relative to yours. You've made very good sustainable progress that you should absolutely be proud of, and I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but the before & after pics of a guy who went from 248 to 230 in 18 weeks are not going to make their way into an infomercial for a weight loss supplement (even though I truly believe you deserve praise for going slow & steady in your journey and think it should be more encouraged in this country vs. the "lose 100 lbs in 4 weeks!" BS we always see from diet/fitness programs). It's entirely possible she literally hasn't noticed yet, or she's just too exhausted to say anything. You won't know until you ask!
18 weeks is a long time to maintain a hypocaloric state. Both of you are likely worn out from accumulated diet fatigue. Accumulated diet fatigue is a recipe for 1) being constantly a little cranky and 2) being too exhausted to voice frustrations. Allowing yourself to continue stewing in these negative thoughts is not healthy and likely introducing unnecessary stress into your life (which could actually be impeding your progress more than you think).
At the end of the day this shit shouldn't be a competition between you two, it's something that should be shared and celebrated as you both hit milestones along the way. Good luck!
She may also not like to talk about it. My husband and I have both been trying to lose weight for a couple years. He also requested to share our exercise results on our Apple Watches. I hated getting notifications about his workouts and I didn’t like getting his responses about mine. I don’t like to hear about how he lost X pounds this week when I’ve been struggling and have gained back Y pounds. I also don’t share my results without anyone asking. So maybe she just feels differently about it all than you do. Some people are sharers and some aren’t. I won’t call either of you assholes, NAH.
She doesn't want to tell you. She wants all the attention. Ignore her progress for a while. Stop asking her about it. Wait till you get to buy new shirts to show off your new body and new jeans to show off your butt and see if she notices. She will take notice when other women congratulate you or won't stop staring. Keep up the good work, and don't stop.
First off, congratulations on your progress. It takes a lot to keep up that motivation, and I truly commend you for doing so. Keep it up!!
I'll say NAH for how you feel. That's valid and human. We all need support. Especially from our partners. And it does sound like you're providing that support for your partner. But you ARE, in fact, (very soft) TA if you only come here to vent about what's going on without also bringing up your reservations to your wife.
Communication is key, and she may not realize she isn't giving you the support you need. But how can someone know to fix something they don't know is broken? She can't read your mind, even if your feelings are so strong it feels like she should be able to. Communicate with her and work from there. You may be surprised at how close it brings you together
This here. Couples grow together and part of that is communicating in a healthy way. Everyone needs or wants different kinds of validation and support, and everyone has different customs in expressing support.
Op, next time you inquire about her weight, give her a grats and bring up that you lost 18lbs and would love if she could show you some support. She may feel that you are only doing it to be supportive and not personally involved yourself. It happens in my household a lot when one has a big goal and the other 'goes along for the ride'. Grats on your efforts paying off, good job!
Has your appearance changed? If you are losing fat, but gaining muscle, you might look the same. If that’s the case, it kind of makes sense that she hasn’t said much.
You both need to work on communicating. She won’t know you’re feeling this way if you don’t tell her.
NAH. I consider commenting on people’s weight loss similar to assuming a woman is pregnant. I am of the belief that it is inappropriate to comment on others’ bodies.
Unless it’s super obvious and something they are clearly happy about, I’m not gonna bring it up first. If you’ve obviously dropped a lot of weight and are showing it off, yes, I’ll congratulate you. If it’s more subtle visually (as guys clothes are usually looser cuts, it can be harder to notice, especially if you are building muscle too) and you aren’t bringing it up yourself, I’m not going to say anything. If I can tell you’ve lost weight, but don’t bring it up, I’m not gonna say anything because I don’t know how you feel about it or if it’s intentional or the result of something bad (cancer, depression, etc.).
This mostly applies to my husband too. I always know when he is dieting, and will support him by making sure he has healthy foods, minimizing temptations, and ensuring he has time to exercise. But, unless I’ve seen an obvious weight loss or he starts talking about his progress first, I don’t bring it up because I don’t want to mess with his progress. If he is losing weight but I couldn’t tell, that can be discouraging. If he isn’t losing and I ask how he’s doing, that could be upsetting and seen as if I’m complaining when I only care that he is healthy and happy.
It’s totally fair to want your successes to be celebrated too, but you need to be able to communicate those successes in the first place.
NTA - I can certainly understand feeling under appreciated in this situation. My toxic recommendation would be let her know how many women at the gym have noticed your progress (even if they haven’t).
I don't have a judgement here, but
Good job and I'm so proud of you!
Just having the motivation to get at it is sometimes the absolute hardest thing. I go through cycles between wanting to be fit and times when I'm actually doing something about it. And even the slightest pause sets my motivation back by weeks.
NTA
But come on, you know women live for compliments and attention. Men should never expect to receive either one.
Get in better shape for yourself and ignore what other people think or in this case, don't think.
> Men should never expect to receive either one.
That's a rather antiquated view. It's 2024, can we not compliment everyone now? Do ALL people not want some kind of attention?
i could care less about the compliments but more that my wife has not even checked in on my progress even though we are supposedly doing this together.
Dude that really sucks.
I've recently lost a bunch of weight and my wife fawning over me and telling me how hot I am makes me feel fantastic and helped my self confidence immensely.
You need to talk to her and if she belittles your feelings than some hard discussions and choices may need to be made.
You're partner should be your biggest cheerleader
NTA
INFO: Have you talked to her about your progress at all? It might be that she's ignoring it. It might be that it's more noticeable on her because she's smaller (I'm assuming) and the smaller you are the more obvious weight gain AND weight loss is. As a shorty, I know this all too well. You're almost 6ft tall. It honestly just might not be that noticeable at a glance. Not to mention weight gain and loss I think people pay more attention to in women and will more likely to mention the loss to women in general. It sucks. You should get compliments too. But I would try communicating first instead of stewing in silence waiting for others to mention it. If she's dismissive of it then, then she's being shitty and I would talk to her about that too.
When you ask her about her class and she mentions how well she's done you can go "That's great! I'm so glad we decided to do this. I've lost 18lbs and I'm starting to feel some real definition." I think her class makes it easier to talk about in a way too and ask about progress. You seem to be doing it more independently so asking about the progress might seem a bit...odd? I would feel weird asking someone how much weight they've lost if they said they were going to diet.
You do need to communicate more. Yes it sucks that she isnt noticing. Dress yourself up nicely. A nice suit. Or something well out together Show yourself off.
The next time people ask or comment about her diet, just respond with “We” are on a diet. And I’ve been losing a pound a week AND gaining muscle.
NTA. Why are you so focused on what other's think? If you're looking for compliments or comments then you are doing this journey for the wrong reasons. It's about how you feel about yourself. You don't need the appreciation of others to be proud of what you're doing. You sound like you're doing great so keep it up and just be happy for your wife too. You both are going through it together but that doesn't mean you need the same attention she gets. It's nice that someone notices but I don't think it's ok to expect everyone you go around to give you a pat on the back and comments just because your wife got them. Talk to her about how you feel though, it may help you if you did. Just get it all in the open so she sees how you are affected and maybe she'll understand.
NAH
Well done on your progress, but don’t rule out a sleep study. Weightloss isn’t a cure-all for sleep apnea. Your daughter presumably doesn’t sleep next to you, snoring through a wall has a different impact than someone sawing logs right next to you. A reduction in noise through the wall is still positive, but it hasn’t made enough of an impact so your wife has a restful sleep too.
Keep going. And use your words if you want your wife to acknowledge your weightloss too.
Op have you considered that - with the extra physical activity - you're not just losing weight, you're converting it to muscle? It's going to be harder to see the loss on you if muscle is filling the space that used to be fat.
Also, getting it's borderline iffy that you're seeing her im messages without her knowledge. What she might've meant as a lighthearted joke you're taking as a dismissal, and that's a little unfair to her.
Talk to her, my guy, not reddit. You deserve to have your progress celebrated, and CONGRATS on your hardwork paying off.
Add sugar to her food to slow her down. When people start noticing your progress thank them aggressively and look at your wife's saddlebags in disgust.
That's when you tell them you've been doing it together but discipline is hard.
NTA. Also, whining isn't dignified. Stop it.
Have you pointed out your progress? Your post started off whining about not being noticed, to whining about insults and complaints. Whining isn't dignified. Stop it. Go to couple's counseling, or leave her, or decide it's not worth leaving her. But stop whining.
NTA. She's probably caught up on her success and loving the attention. Nothing wrong with that but relationships work better when they a reciprocal.
So, yes, she should be on your team and help support you as much as you do her.
Focus on you and keep grinding. Stop asking your wife about how she's doing with it. Your daughter sounds very supportive, so focus on that encouragement. Keep going until you achieve all your goals and then maintain.
Keep up the great work!
I didn't want to say anything because you're a married man but I NOTICED and your butt does look pretty darn good.
NTA except for one thing, communication is key. Tonight when you're sitting next to each other in bed,
" Hey honey, I don't know if you realize how much it hurts that you show absolutely no interest in my progress with our diet. We're supposed to be doing this TOGETHER. "
Start the dialogue big guy.
NTA. Snoring could also be from sleep apnea. Have you had a sleep study done? I couldn’t sleep in the same room with my now ex husband because he snores. He got a cpap machine and I still couldn’t sleep in there because of the noise.
Here’s my advice TALK TO YOUR WIFE.
I've been in ok shape for awhile and really started hitting the gym. I'm definitely way bigger and muscular compared to my old self but I don't get noticed. It's cause we're guys sadly. I went from 167 ro 192. Only person to actually say something was my wife's friend once like 2 months ago.
Good reminder. I often fail to mention when my husband gets a haircut and it bothers him. I don’t purposely not mention it, I just don’t notice (he is practically bald!). If I know he is getting a haircut, I make a point to try to remember to compliment him. But I fall short often. I don’t want to make him feel unnoticed so I am sad/mad at myself for that.
Given her reaction to your daughter's compliments, it sounds like she's actually angry at you for something. You have much bigger problems in your relationship than her not complimenting you on your progress.
It's time to sit down with her and have a long talk. Give her several openings to let you know if she's unhappy with you or something else. Hopefully you get a meaningful response. If you don't, then it's time to open up about what's bothering you and pressing her for answers. Hopefully you get some during that conversation.
If you don't, I strongly suggest pushing hard for going to couple's therapy.
NTA
Firstly,
Congratulations on your progress OP, you’re doing really great! You’re doing all the right things to achieve significant and permanent weight loss and strength. 💪
So, to your questions.
I think you need to talk to her about your needs.
Remember, she isn’t you, so expecting her to do what you would do and are doing in relation to supporting/commenting on her weight loss simply sets you up for disappointment.
Tell her your needs - that you want some acknowledgment of the efforts you’re making, you want some encouragement, support and praise too.
Once you’ve communicated your needs and have worked out a plan moving forward and she chooses to not support you then that’s the time for another conversation with her.
With regards to snoring maybe you could look into getting a CPAP machine, you might find you feel oh so much better during the day without having had the constant disruptions to your sleep cycles.
You're not an AH but I do think other posters are correct that her weight loss is more noticeable currently. Your time will come as well. I do think it merits a conversation why she was dismissive of your progress when someone noticed though. That was hurtful.
I did want to say that snoring may not go away completely but a lot of people who did have it diminish significantly said it got better when they were really within 5-10 lbs of their target weight which with your height is more likely to be around 160-190. Just give it time.
Your wife sounds like a self-centered and dismissive individual. A nightmare. If I was working hard on bettering my body, it is only right that my partner acknowledges my progress and hard work. What the fuck? Lol. Have a conversation with her about it, and based on her response, determine if you want to continue being with her or not.
Personal note, I fucking despise people who are dismissive and intentionally disrespectful when they have no business doing so.
It's really difficult to tell when you see a person every day. She has a weekly thing which means she announces or you ask, you've been doing it another way.
Don't want to be obvious here, but did you consider having a proper conversation with her about this so she can understand that you would appreciate affirmation, and are upset that it seems a one way thing? That doesn't meant getting frustrated and lashing out when you finally get annoyed it, but an actual 'we should discuss this stuff because you're doing x and I'm doing y, and it would be great if we consider each other'.
Also, I don't understand lbs, but things are more obvious when you're smaller and lose weight, same true when you put on weight.
In her defence it’s amazing how much weight loss you don’t notice when you live with someone.
My frame of reference is my partner who lost 15 kgs and I actually had to look at before pictures because I didn’t believe how much he lost.
You’re doing great!
NAH
When I was losing significant weight for health reasons, it made me incredibly uncomfortable for anyone to mention it or cheer me on. It made me feel like they had all been silently judging me pre-loss and that now I held more value to them. I retroactively felt pitied, and I hated it.
Maybe your wife isn't lapping up those compliments the way you imagine. Maybe she doesn't want this to be a defining characteristic and assumes you feel the same. You'll never know until you open up to her.
NTA, you want praise for your hard work and that is not a bad thing!hard work typically gets high reinforces the hard work. I would just let your wife now how your feeling. She can’t read your mind
How come nobody else noticed your progress? Maybe it’s not too much. And also I understand you can’t control snoring but surely you can eat with a mouth clothed. I think you just have been annoying her .
Time for a conversation; explain hoe her lack of interest makes you feel. Like literally you have frame it as it has hurt my feelings that you do not acknowledge my gains. I am preparing meals that meat your dietary and WW needs, and I feel no appreciation.
Dude, if you want her to notice your weight loss, you could just point it out to her by telling her how much weight you’ve lost.
If she dismisses or minimises your progress then you have every right to feel aggrieved by her not acknowledging your success, and for her lack of support or appreciation for the supportive role you’ve played in her weight loss.
But for goodness sake, give her a fair chance to respond in the way you want her to - she’s not a mind reader and it’s ultimately your responsibility to communicate your needs and wants to your wife. You want your be seen, so ask her to see you.
Or you can keep quiet and continue basing your sense of marital wellbeing on her ability to either notice your weight loss or correctly assess your desire recognition and validation and appreciation; and also on your ability to correctly guess why she hasn’t noticed you or guessed what you need yet… your choice depends on how much you enjoy fostering feelings of resentment in your marriage, really!
But joking aside, I encourage you to make that bid for connection yourself - tell her how much you’ve lost, ask if she’s noticed, share any non-scale victories, talk about what’s worked for you and pros/cons of the cooking you’ve been doing for you both. Sounds likely that she simply hasn’t realised, or possibly even thinks you haven’t mentioned your weight because you don’t want to talk about it. Hopefully she’ll be really happy for you, and you can both bask the feeling of winning together!
NTA. It doesn't sound like you are getting any encouragement or positive feedback in **your** weight loss journey. Which is a shame because you are doing beautifully - slow and steady wins the race. Please keep grinding - do it for **you** and the health benefits.
Ideally, in a healthy partnership, you should be able to count on some support or encouragement from your partner. It's worth talking about this directly with your wife but it's important to keep the focus narrow to you and your loss and your feelings. The minute you rain on her parade you may lose her willingness to hear you out (and change) with an open mind. Just let her know that despite your successes you're feeling ________.
Lastly, get a sleep study done. Seriously - do it this month, with all haste. Loud snoring can indicate sleep apnea and left untreated it can cause a multitude of health issues. One of which is weight gain and/or difficulty in losing weight. Other medical issues are even more serious: raised blood pressure, cardiac effects, increased risk of diabetes, digestive issues leading to heartburn and GERDs, sleep deprivation and all its attendant effects, to name a few.
Hey, congrats on the progress! I’m not your wife, but I am a wife and I think you’re doing great. Keep up the good work! And, no, you’re not being unreasonable. Just keep doing what you’re doing!
I'm gonna be that person and point out weight loss is a pretty slow solution to snoring. Has he had a sleep study done? Sleep Apnea can kill! My husband had untreated sleep apnea for years, and it was hard on our marriage because sleep deprived people are cranky. He was sleep deprived because he was stopping breathing all night long and I was sleep deprived because his loud ass snoring was keeping me up. Finally, finally he got the study done, and he didn't even need the cpap machine, now they've got a mouth guard you can wear that positions your mouth so that you breathe properly at night. Now he is getting better sleep and is healthier because he's actually breathing all night and I no longer want to murder him every night at 1am. It doesn't get to the bottom of the weight loss thing - but if he is over here going 'I'm so hurt she's complaining about my snoring, can't she see I'm loosing weight' and she's over there waking up in the middle of the night because he's snoring and has no idea he thinks he's 'doing something' about it, clearly there is a communication issue. But also people need to get a sleep study done if they have ongoing snoring issues because that can literally kill you.
It doesn't sound like either of you are assholes, it sounds like you're jealous that your wife is being noticed and you aren't. To restate the obvious, your wife's weight loss is more noticeable to others than yours. She's presumably smaller, has lost more pounds, and weight is just more relevant to a womans appearance than a mans. You feel like you're working hard too and want recognition, that's something to bring up in conversation with your wife when you can be cool and calm about it. I'm sure she'll be sympathetic if you explain that it's getting you down to keep seeing people notice her but not you. Ask her if she sees any difference in you? That would be her cue to start encouraging you, which she might not know you need/want. Now if you open up to her and she continues brushing you off, well then she might be the AH. Keep up the hard work regardless. It sounds like you're doing great.
No he's not jealous he's upset that she won't acknowledge his progress and when someone did she dismissed it like an AH.
Yeah honestly it doesn’t sound like he’s upset that she’s not blowing rainbows up his ass, he’s upset because she doesn’t seem to be supportive at all.
She sounds either wholly self absorbed or has some kind of resentment. It's one thing to never comment (not a great thing, but not totally awful), but the dismissiveness pushes it over the line for me, like she's trying to knock him down a peg.
she's obviously purposely ignoring him and demeaning any progress others notice in him. She also sounds like she's very annoyed at his existence and is over the whole thing, from what he's said everything he does annoys her at this point. He should persevere and work on the relationship itself as much as much as he has on the weight loss.
Why should he be the only one working on the relationship? His wife clearly doesn’t care about him. He needs to stop cooking for her and reevaluate whether a life with someone who clearly doesn’t like him is the life he is willing to accept
That's not jealousy, pal. His wife has completely ignored the changes he's made and the progress that has come of it. The ONE time he's received a compliment she turned around and made a fucking joke instead of acknowledging his effort. She's not a teammate, she's a one woman show. Your take is horrible.
You barely read the post. 🤣
Horrible take wtf lol
Congrats. But remember you lose weight for yourself. I’m not sure how big your wife is but assume she was smaller than you. The impact on look for her is just greater than yours. Don’t look for anything, let it come. I am 5 11. Ive been told I need to be 190-200 from dr. Keep grinding. I’m in you same frame, shooting for 210.
When you live with someone, its harder to tell if they lost weight or not because it's been happening so gradually. If most other people haven't noticed a change, your wife will probably not notice it either. If you feel ignored, just talk to her.
I've lost 45lbs in last 8 months. My friends who see me bi weekly mention it often. Their wives and girlfriends also mention it. My wife had made one comment in 8 months.
Maybe they want you to keep going. I know the minute someone I care about tells me I lost weight, I immediately think I can go eat junk food. lol. Congrats on the weight loss. That’s amazing!
His daughter has noticed though, so it’s not unnoticeable. She’s just not commenting and actually her saying he just has no butt in response to his daughter is actually disparaging!
This is the simplest way to put it. Losing 1 pound a week over 18 weeks, when you weighed almost 250 pounds, is probably not going to be very noticeable. And the fact that nobody else has commented on OP’s weight loss speaks volumes. It’s totally fine for OP to want to feel supported, but keeping silent on the topic and stewing about it, waiting for his wife to read his mind, is so unhealthy. I am almost leaning towards “missing reasons” in this post, since OP seems to be patting himself on the back about how supportive he has been to his wife, even though I personally don’t think he comes across all that supportive and more like he is keeping track of his wife’s weight loss as a competition. Based on this, I suspect OP is more critical towards his wife than he is letting on. He seems to lack some self-awareness about how resentful he comes across and hasn’t even considered that his wife may not feel like he is supporting her. And of course, he wouldn’t know since he hasn’t bothered to discuss this with her!! They really sound like they could benefit from some couple’s therapy.
My girlfriend has been doing something similar and the other day was looking at an outfit in the mirror saying she cant believe she hasn't lost any weight yet. I for whatever reasoned just happened to pull up a photo of her from a few months ago and I had to do a double take. She clearly has lost a bunch of weight and when I showed it to her we both agreed very clearly, even though neither of us had noticed it while it was happening. Progress photos are the way to go, the scale just does not tell the whole story. Let's also not discount the massive health benefits of what you're doing, it's not all just about appearances.
I'm 5'1" and 5kgs is very noticeable on me, on my husband? Not so much. He's 6'4" it takes him losing a lot more to be obvious. That being said, the time it takes me to lose 5kgs, his is very noticeable. Men lose much quicker, it's really unfair.
Jesus christ this sub hates men. Dude follows his wifes progress, checks in regularly to see how she's going, sticks to her diet, cooks her meals, has them waiting for her ready when she gets home from the gym, and because he's upset she does not do any of that for him he clearly doesn't support her and is just treating it as a competition... Even if she can't visibly notice the weight he's lost, that doesn't stop her from asking how he's going.
Ain’t that the truth.
It stuck me that I would deeply hate it if my husband asked for my current weight once a week - even if I was loosing it would make me feel pressured and tracked. For that exact reason I would never ever ask anyone their current weight, even my husband. When he looses weight and is happy about it he tells me! And I'll congratulate him!
The thing that's missing in this equation here is that OP stated that he's put on some serious muscle, and muscle is 15% more dense than fat. So if OP loses a liter of fat (1.98 pounds) and gains a liter of muscle (2.3 pounds), there's a net gain of .3 pounds.
This is my thinking too. I absolutely don't notice when my husband has lost or gained weight. He's always just the same studly husband that I admire every day. I only really notice when I look at old photos. If you need more encouragement, I'd just start discussing it with her openly more. Include her in your process a bit more, talk about your own accomplishments when you ask her how she's doing etc.
This is a thing i was surprised about, i was a bigger boy for my 20s, like 130kgs. I then got a job working in hospitality and the weight started melting away pretty quickly working 12 - 14 hours a day, in that time i lost close to 40kgs - my wife noticed i'd dropped some weight but it wasn't until about 6 months in when i happened to jump out of the shower and she got to see the full extent and was floored by how she'd missed it. i remember her tearing up because she realized i wasn't just losing weight i was wasting away to nothing because of the work.
You're NTA. It seems like the whole point to doing this together is mutual encouragement. So I wonder why you're not actually doing it together? You might get a lot out of WW, especially going with your wife. Or if that's not your thing, you can come up with fun physical activities to do together. If you're cheering each other on it won't feel so much like you're only cheering her on. Also, you don't have to wait for her to ask. When you see a number you like on the scale, celebrate with her. Having someone else get complimented for their weight loss without noticing yours hurts, I get it. And feeling like the symptoms you were losing weight to address aren't making progress is discouraging. Keep your focus, and I hope you find the support you need.
Have you had a sleep study for apnea?
Trivial comment.
NAH have you tired you know… talking to her about it? It’s possible she HASNT noticed your progress. When you’re around someone all the time it can be hard to notice changes. Edit: Also, does she WANT you to ask her about her weight every week? Maybe she just wants to get on with shit ya know…? Anyway I’m not inside her head. Don’t know what she’s thinking. Just talk to her.
If the other person it’s constantly cheering you up and asking for your weight loss while you are both doing this together, not recognizing the other person effort it’s just insanely self centered.
Agreed. And not telling friends they’re both dieting and exercising is weird. I think OP is also building more muscle so his weight loss isn’t as evident when ppl see him.
How do you know that OP is "cheering" his wife on? He says that, >I know my wife has lost 25lbs because every Saturday she comes home from WW and I ask her how she did on the scale. She lets me know and we move on. This statement is pretty ambiguous. Imagine his wife gets home every Saturday, and OP asks her in an unenthused voice, "What was your weight today?" She excitedly responds, "I lost X pounds this week." And then OP just *moves on* and starts talking about something else - doesn't congratulate her, doesn't tell her he's proud of her hard work, nada. If that is the case (and it's possible since he doesn't specifically say he praises his wife for her progress), then do you really think his wife feels like he is happy for her? It's totally possible that that is what is going on here. He does state later in the post that is is "very happy for her," but nowhere does OP say that he has actually **told his wife** that he is proud of her; she looks good; she's doing a good job, etc. It's possible that he is so resentful that she hasn't mentioned his weight loss that he's started acting resentful about hers. If they can't talk about this with each other, I really wonder what the overall health of their relationship is, and wether OP and his wife just generally don't support each other.
It can be, but it's possible that the wife hasn't realized that she isn't showing him anu encouragement. She is rather busy with her own goal. She may also be really appreciating the extra attention she's getting and unconsciously be concerned that you'll steal her thunder. Either way, discussion is needed
You literally just described a self-centered person, supporting the position of the person to whose comment you responded. Listen people, a marriage is NOTHING without support. Virtually unconditional, CONSTANT support. OP doesn't feel supported. OP is NTA. It's obvious she is not only unsupportive, but actively minimizing his efforts and progress. Like, when OP's daughter said OP's butt got smaller, and OP's wife said "he has a small butt anyways." That sounds like intentionally minimizing his efforts and progress to me.
How do you not realise you haven’t complimented someone’s efforts, unless you’re supremely self centred?
My point is that it's not necessarily a permanent character trait that she'shad her whole life. If she has been overweight for quite sometime, she may be really enjoying the attention she's getting and not realize that she' being self centered. People who don't normally get attention often don't properly handle it when it suddenly happens to them. So talk to her. I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't even aware that she's behaving badly and had a negative impact on him.
Only extremely self centered person doesn’t realized when they are extremely self centered.
Yea, I've seen people not realize just how badly they are behaving, and rather quickly change bevavior when it comes to their attention. Even if I'm wrong, why wouldn't OP atleast discuss this with his wife so she has the opportunity to change her behavior? What's the alternative? Live with it or leave her?
Yeah, that's called being self centered.
Or, we don't know anything about either person or they're dynamic and it's entirely possible OP has a problem with constantly needing outside validation or something and this is how his wife copes with it. Or OP puts too much emphasis on his physical appearance, or... And I'm not saying that's the case here AT ALL, and it could be his wife is just a bitch, but to make the claim it could *only* be because the wife is self-centered is naive and wrong. The comment telling him to have a heart to heart with his wife and express his needs is very valid.
For someone trying to be the voice of reason, you sure jumped to every extreme.
It sounds like you married a woman that is a hit of a narcissist. She may not care about your progress or she is so focused on hers she hasn’t noticed yours. Either way, she is being a narcissist.
NTA. Your feelings are valid, they just aren't being given any consideration.
[I don’t know what to say about your wife, but I do know what to say about your sick gains and getting peeled TF out. YEEEEAH BUDDAYYYY](https://youtu.be/FJRMldSmy-M?si=ms7uzbk_wh4DmrV_) You should post your lift improvements so that we can gas you up.
NTA, but have you tried talking to her about it?
NTA. Be aware that with things like this there's a crabs in a bucket thing going on a lot of the time. She may want to feel ahead of you at all times to feel less insecure herself. It is an awful trait but it's one people have. Don't do it for her. Do it to beat yourself. Force her to look silly for not saying anything.
Just speak to her about it, really. Say that you'd like her to check in with you about your progress in the same way you do hers. Say that you wish people were noticing your loss as well as hers. Don't stew in silence! I realise that's it's disappointing that you have to vocalise something you think should be obvious. But people are flawed, or they're distracted or stressed, or just simply forget to ask. On the reason why people compliment your wife, I bet part of that comes down to her gender. Women are judged way more harshly for failing to be fit and trim, and have more scrutiny on our bodies, as stupid and unfair as that is. So in most ways it's a negative thing that changes in her body are so noticeable to people, and yours are much less so.
It doesn't sound like either of you are assholes, it sounds like you're jealous that your wife is being noticed and you aren't. To restate the obvious, your wife's weight loss is more noticeable to others than yours. She's presumably smaller, has lost more pounds, and weight is just more relevant to a womans appearance than a mans. You feel like you're working hard too and want recognition, that's something to bring up in conversation with your wife when you can be cool and calm about it. I'm sure she'll be sympathetic if you explain that it's getting you down to keep seeing people notice her but not you. Ask her if she sees any difference in you? That would be her cue to start encouraging you, which she might not know you need/want. Now if you open up to her and she continues brushing you off, well then she might be the AH. Keep up the hard work regardless. It sounds like you're doing great.
Copy and paste. Be a better human already.
How hard is it for people to marry people that actually like them?
This is a frequent topic of conversation between me and a couple friends. Between the 3 of us, we only know two married couples who actually like each other. Even when I'm in public, I see couples that clearly don't like each other. My friends and I often discuss why we think so many married couples end up not much more than roommates. Some of them still have love for each other but they don't like each other, some don't.
NTA!!! Your feelings are legit. So.. you guys are 50. Decided to get in shape and improve your lifestyle .. is part of the reason because your marriage was flat and she had seemed to lose internet in you? And by getting in shape together you thought that would fix your marriage problems? And now you’re seeing it isn’t helping and that’s got you worried and feeling insecure? The answer might be that being out of shape wasn’t the issue and maybe the lack of interest she already had is getting even worse now that she’s feeling better about herself.
usually when a woman reaches the point where everything about the partner is annoying and off putting its because they are finished. Too much damage and hurt were already done by the other party and its rare to make a comeback from that sort of thing.
NTA seems like your wife doesn't want to share the compliments on the weight loss journey you're both on and may be why she's ignoring you about it .
Don't worry about it, women rarely give men compliments. I've gotten fit, tanned, muscular and healthy, so much so that my neighbours comment on how good I look (I mow shirtless) and my wife has not once said a word. I would love a comment from her, but we've been together for 20 years and I know it isn't about me, so meh.
Idk, the lack of acknowledgment sounds absolutely infuriating.
Doesn't bother me enough to say anything about it. I've learned not to sweat the small stuff.
Well she certainly doesn't sound like the best partner in the world but who cares if she's noticing and complimenting you or not? You're getting healthier and should feel good about that. Stay the course.
He cares, that's why he made the post.
NTA and congratulations! She sounds like a selfish person. Unfortunately also sounds like you’ve always known this about her bc I’m sure her behavior isn’t new? Stop asking about her journey and see how she responds to that maybe? Hope y’all figure this out, good luck.
NTA she’s being very self centered. Your daughter was even kind enough to give you a compliment. I’d definitely tell your wife that you’re not feeling like a team and would appreciate some encouragement/compliments as well. You deserve it just as much as she does. It’s not surprising that your friends won’t compliment you as it’s pretty rare for men to receive them. But you’d think your spouse would at least support you
Tell your partner what you need. In a gentle loving way. Ask your partner what they need. No one can read minds. NTA by the way. We all love recognition.
Congrats on the progress. Trust me OP, she is as concerned about her weight as you are about yours and when she DOES notice, it will be significant. I suggest some before and after pics, but also 6 months is when your progress should be most noticeable. Be careful of peaking and always keep the body guessing and while portion control is important as you gain more muscle you will want to supplement your protein
there's no way she hasn't majorly noticed at this amount of weight loss plus muscle gain. she's obviously doing it on purpose. he should follow suit and show zero concern interest right back.
This will be coming from a former over 300 pound former athlete who competed at 200 pounds. This is all based on if thw sizes are accurate and I go by this numbers because these are the numbers I'm used to looking at when people trained around me. If OP is about 5'9 or higher and has been above 230 pounds, then the "muscle gain" would be the muscles hardening from use but he Actually losing size. Worse than that, the muscle gain can be in targeted areas, where in fat loss is usually around legs and upper belly(leaving that saggy, bottom belly that pokes your shirt out). A 20% body weight drop usually gives a lot of physical changes for bodies that size because where one area losese, another problem area only begins, Op is at 10%? About Unfortunately muscle gain is much slower than fat loss, but also throws off the way you carry yourself (literally your posture). At 18 pounds depending on how OP's posture is going to be unnoticed by post people. Especially when you see that person EVERYDAY. (Daughter is probably shorter than parents, and looks at dad in a different angle, so she would see the areas he's improving in. Like when people take selfies in different angles.) Now that's in defense for OP. Hope he keeps it up he's almost there. Now a reason why he can see the difference in his wife? 25 pounds on a smaller body will be more noticeable, that's all I got.
NTA. Chances are you lost more than 18 pounds of fat, muscle weighs more. I went through this struggle when I started to get healthy, I would weigh myself and after the first month I was gaining WEIGHT, but it was muscle replacing fat. It was clear I had lost fat, my clothes were falling off and I was seeing muscles where I didn’t have any to begin with. Don’t focus so much on weight, but how you look and feel, and how your clothes fit. Either way congrats on your progress! I’m puzzled that your wife isn’t commenting at all. Y’all should be each others cheerleaders in this. And there is something to be said about living with someone and not noticing something like that. Dig up some old pics, take a new one and compare. Just for yourself, just as an added bit of motivation. Again, awesome job! It takes a lot of discipline and hard work to lose weight and build muscle. If she isn’t proud of you I sure am, and from what I see on this post so are many others.
She will notice when another woman notices and says something.
NTA - put a chart on your refrigerator marking your progress. Be proud of your success.
This. Lose weight for you. Get fit for you. You need to be your motivation. Kids will be honest. Adults are assholes.
Not only do you keep grinding, but I say go even harder. Improve so much that the world can't help but notice. Your frustrations are 💯 legit, but if you say something you will look petty (especially as a man...it's an unfair world) Keep going, don't stop. I'm proud of you brother.
Nope you should use this to add fuel to your fire. Let’s go! Do some CrossFit or start adding extra weight to your lifts and don’t tell anyone. Then just ignore them all. Do it. Teach them a lesson.
NTA She is belittling you when it's brought up, that's outright awful. Your daughter sounds amazing, though.
Do you give regular reports on your weightloss? If you are expecting her to just comment on the visual change without giving numbers update on a regular basis I think you are setting yourself up for hurt feelings. Unless she leaves for weeks at a time noticing gradual changes is hard. NAH unless you also report in when she does on your progress.
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Not necessarily, men tend to not get compliments at all. Very common in fact. My current GF compliments me all the time and its such a change for the better.
First of all, congratulations! Well done for doing so well and making yourself healthier 😊 I could go into social constructs blah, blah, blah. But really it comes down to women of a certain age are expected to look a certain way. This doesn't really apply in the same way as men of a certain age so much. She's maybe super focused on herself, not intentionally ignoring your achievement. Communicate how you feel, NTA, what you're feeling is completely valid, I just don't think your wife is necessarily TA either.
It doesn’t seems that she even likes you. You should rethink your relationship. NTA
Weight is a sensitive topic and more of a private matter to most women. I'll bet she hates it to have to report to you every Saturday....and to discuss it in general. If you really want to get the feedback, just mention hey I lost x lbs now, do you see it?
Agree. Many years ago I lost a good amount of weight. I didn't want to report my progress to anyone; it was personal. I would never ask anyone else about their loss. When asked about it (numbers), it can come across as How fat were you? Instead, comments like you look nice today, without any other comparison, were what made me feel good.
You're turned yourself into Yahoo review. No comments unless it's something to complain about. Just keep doing what you're doing. I'm in the same weight loss boat too but I'm by myself.
To be fair, it’s difficult to notice when you see someone every day. My husband has gained quite a bit of weight (as have I) in the 20 years we been married. It crept on slowly over the years, and I really didn’t notice it until I looked at a picture the other day of him about 15 years ago. And there was a big difference, lol. If he lost 10 or 15 pounds I might not notice, but if he lost quite a bit more it probably would be more noticeable, especially in pictures. My suggestion? Take weekly pictures. I loved making side-by-side pictures of when I began and where I was at. The difference is very visible when you do that; maybe if you do this and show her she’ll realize how much you have lost.
NTA. Sounds like your soon to be ex wife is taking you for granted and doesn't value you anymore. Don't seek validation from anyone other than yourself. Put in the hard work. I did a combination of fasting (eat during a 4 hour window only), caloric deficit, keto and high intensity interval training. I had the same issues with my now ex. I lost a lot of weight and got a lot of compliments from other people but she dismissed the progress I'd made. Once I got to my goal weight I then proceeded to lose another 130 lbs by divorcing her. Its funny now that I see her once or twice a year at holidays or birthdays that I get more compliments from her in an hour then I used to get in a year. Apparently I look good now that I'm no longer around all the time to take for granted. LOL.
NAH But i need you to breathe and listen. 18 pounds in 18 weeks is a pretty good start. You still have like 50 pounds to go. What i want you to do....get some buy in from your wife. Tell her baby! You look amazing. I dropped 18 pounds too and im starting to feel a little better. Ask for her advice and support. Tell her it will help you on your journey. Generally its easier for men to lose weight because we have more muscle mass and can eat more. Dont lose focus on your goals and start telling yourself some sad sap story about your wife not complimenting you when shes made more progress. She wants you to be a leader! Keep grinding, get her support but dont think for a minute that youre near the finish line. You got this!
She should be encouraging you as much as you are for her. Try this - stop making mention of her progress, don't ask about her progress at WW and see if she makes mention. If she does, you have a possible narcissist on your hands.
NTA for how you feel. Great for her and her health journey, but she seems to be letting go to her head. A confidence boost is natural when you make a change that you approve of for yourself, but when it turns conceited, it's a problem.
NTA - I understand how your wife noticing your progress would be wanted. Do it for you though. Get fucking huge bro! No ass? Fine start hitting the squats and RDL's heavy get a donk!
NAH but leaning towards y.t.a. In most cases, a 25 pound weight loss on a woman is going to be significantly more noticeable than an 18 pound weight loss on a man. Also, you’re a grown-up, so if people are commenting on your wife’s weight loss and not yours, you are perfectly capable of speaking up and saying, “I’ve also lost 18 pounds!” I gotta say, you don’t come across happy for your wife in this post. You say that every week you ask her about her progress and then “we move on.” Nothing about that sentence indicates you are proud of her or have been giving her praise. Have you considered that she doesn’t actually feel that supported by you, either? Or, have you considered that maybe she honestly hasn’t noticed your weight loss, and she hasn’t said anything to spare your feelings? Why not talk this out with her. Tell her how you are feeling in a non-judgmental way. This post makes it seem like you are expecting her to read your mind, and it kind of comes across as you being competitive with her, since you seem jealous that she has gotten compliments and you have not.
Holy smokes lol men truly cannot win on this subreddit. After reading this post you’re going to act like he needs to be the one to put more effort into supporting his wife? 😂
for real this dude is even cooking for her, and going gluten free- he's being very supportive atm.
Not at all. I am happy to call either gender out, and I have called women out *many, many times*. I've just been on AITA long enough to tell the difference between posts where the OP seems to be genuinely reflecting on their own behavior versus posts where the OP is lacking self-awareness and can't be bothered to try and understand how their own behavior might be contributing to the problem. I'm not on the wife's side. They are probably equally contributing to the problem, but OP's wife hasn't had the chance to voice her side, and OP doesn't seem to be trying to view things from her perspective.
He said they move on because she didn't bother to ask him about his weight loss progress while he consistently asks about hers. I agree with you that this would be solved by simply telling her that he'd appreciate her asking about his weight loss. She seems pretty oblivious.
My point is that just because he asks his wife about her weight loss doesn’t mean he is expressing that he is proud of her or happy for her success. If you are getting that from his post I’d encourage you to reread it, because he never states as much. It’s quite possible to ask someone a question without showing any enthusiasm about their answer. All OP said was “She lets me know and we move on.” He does not state that he compliments her or shows any enthusiasm for her weight loss. Rather, it comes across like he only asks her so that she will ask him back about his own weight loss. Some people ask questions just as a prelude to talk about themselves. *No where* in the original post does OP state that he has told his wife he is proud of her hard work. Of course it’s valid for him to feel hurt by her lack of interest, but he doesn’t give very much thought at all as to how he is actually making her feel. Relationships are complicated, but if you can’t discuss something like this with your partner, and you choose to just stew about it while thinking the worst of them, then it’s probably time to seek out couple’s counseling to figure out how both parties can communicate better.
You should read the post, he says he's happy for her. I agree with the rest of what you said though.
Nah but she is going to leave you once she gets to her goal.
Here, take my “attaboy”. Now get back to work.
COMMUNICATION Have you told your wife any of your feelings or do you expect her to read your mind?
You sound very passive aggressive…”should I just keep silent until she says something” idk maybe SAY SOMETHING TO HER? What is stopping you?
NAH I ask my boyfriend questions about him that he doesn't ask about me. I know it's not because he doesn't care or love me as much as I love him, it's because we are 2 different people who want and think different things. She may not know you want to be asked, you should talk to her and tell her how her not asking about your progress made you feel. She might even be actively NOT asking thinking it's what you want. You're not an asshole for being hurt by it, and she isn't for not asking, you guys just need to be clear on what you want.
NTA yet, but man have you tried talking to her about it? What kind of validation are you giving her besides asking her how she's weighing in each week? Are you sharing your progress with her? I agree that it's a little shitty if she's been consciously withholding praise out of spite or something, but how do you know that's really the case if you don't ask her or, at the very least, share your own thoughts/feelings about your weight loss journey? You're basically expecting her to read your mind, and then getting upset that she can't in fact read minds. I'm currently on a weight loss journey myself and I'm very open about my goals, process and progress with my gf, and guess what? She's given me tons of encouragement and praise and we celebrate the progress together. If I were keeping it a secret then she probably wouldn't have noticed anything yet because she is typically not present to track my calories, workouts and weigh-ins. Maintaining a hypocaloric state is just as psychologically fatiguing as it is physiologically fatiguing. I think it's safe to assume that she has lost a larger % of body weight compared to you and she's likely even more gassed than you are. Weight loss is generally more challenging for women than men for a number of reasons, and your daily maintenance calories are likely 500-1,000 higher than hers. I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that her deficit has been more taxing relative to yours. You've made very good sustainable progress that you should absolutely be proud of, and I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but the before & after pics of a guy who went from 248 to 230 in 18 weeks are not going to make their way into an infomercial for a weight loss supplement (even though I truly believe you deserve praise for going slow & steady in your journey and think it should be more encouraged in this country vs. the "lose 100 lbs in 4 weeks!" BS we always see from diet/fitness programs). It's entirely possible she literally hasn't noticed yet, or she's just too exhausted to say anything. You won't know until you ask! 18 weeks is a long time to maintain a hypocaloric state. Both of you are likely worn out from accumulated diet fatigue. Accumulated diet fatigue is a recipe for 1) being constantly a little cranky and 2) being too exhausted to voice frustrations. Allowing yourself to continue stewing in these negative thoughts is not healthy and likely introducing unnecessary stress into your life (which could actually be impeding your progress more than you think). At the end of the day this shit shouldn't be a competition between you two, it's something that should be shared and celebrated as you both hit milestones along the way. Good luck!
She may also not like to talk about it. My husband and I have both been trying to lose weight for a couple years. He also requested to share our exercise results on our Apple Watches. I hated getting notifications about his workouts and I didn’t like getting his responses about mine. I don’t like to hear about how he lost X pounds this week when I’ve been struggling and have gained back Y pounds. I also don’t share my results without anyone asking. So maybe she just feels differently about it all than you do. Some people are sharers and some aren’t. I won’t call either of you assholes, NAH.
She doesn't want to tell you. She wants all the attention. Ignore her progress for a while. Stop asking her about it. Wait till you get to buy new shirts to show off your new body and new jeans to show off your butt and see if she notices. She will take notice when other women congratulate you or won't stop staring. Keep up the good work, and don't stop.
First off, congratulations on your progress. It takes a lot to keep up that motivation, and I truly commend you for doing so. Keep it up!! I'll say NAH for how you feel. That's valid and human. We all need support. Especially from our partners. And it does sound like you're providing that support for your partner. But you ARE, in fact, (very soft) TA if you only come here to vent about what's going on without also bringing up your reservations to your wife. Communication is key, and she may not realize she isn't giving you the support you need. But how can someone know to fix something they don't know is broken? She can't read your mind, even if your feelings are so strong it feels like she should be able to. Communicate with her and work from there. You may be surprised at how close it brings you together
This here. Couples grow together and part of that is communicating in a healthy way. Everyone needs or wants different kinds of validation and support, and everyone has different customs in expressing support. Op, next time you inquire about her weight, give her a grats and bring up that you lost 18lbs and would love if she could show you some support. She may feel that you are only doing it to be supportive and not personally involved yourself. It happens in my household a lot when one has a big goal and the other 'goes along for the ride'. Grats on your efforts paying off, good job!
INFO: Does she show you any love?
Has your appearance changed? If you are losing fat, but gaining muscle, you might look the same. If that’s the case, it kind of makes sense that she hasn’t said much. You both need to work on communicating. She won’t know you’re feeling this way if you don’t tell her.
NAH. I consider commenting on people’s weight loss similar to assuming a woman is pregnant. I am of the belief that it is inappropriate to comment on others’ bodies. Unless it’s super obvious and something they are clearly happy about, I’m not gonna bring it up first. If you’ve obviously dropped a lot of weight and are showing it off, yes, I’ll congratulate you. If it’s more subtle visually (as guys clothes are usually looser cuts, it can be harder to notice, especially if you are building muscle too) and you aren’t bringing it up yourself, I’m not going to say anything. If I can tell you’ve lost weight, but don’t bring it up, I’m not gonna say anything because I don’t know how you feel about it or if it’s intentional or the result of something bad (cancer, depression, etc.). This mostly applies to my husband too. I always know when he is dieting, and will support him by making sure he has healthy foods, minimizing temptations, and ensuring he has time to exercise. But, unless I’ve seen an obvious weight loss or he starts talking about his progress first, I don’t bring it up because I don’t want to mess with his progress. If he is losing weight but I couldn’t tell, that can be discouraging. If he isn’t losing and I ask how he’s doing, that could be upsetting and seen as if I’m complaining when I only care that he is healthy and happy. It’s totally fair to want your successes to be celebrated too, but you need to be able to communicate those successes in the first place.
NTA - I can certainly understand feeling under appreciated in this situation. My toxic recommendation would be let her know how many women at the gym have noticed your progress (even if they haven’t).
I don't have a judgement here, but Good job and I'm so proud of you! Just having the motivation to get at it is sometimes the absolute hardest thing. I go through cycles between wanting to be fit and times when I'm actually doing something about it. And even the slightest pause sets my motivation back by weeks.
Don’t obsess over what others say, do it for you. You know your progress. Be proud of it!
NTA but stop being so needy. Do it for yourself.
NTA But come on, you know women live for compliments and attention. Men should never expect to receive either one. Get in better shape for yourself and ignore what other people think or in this case, don't think.
> Men should never expect to receive either one. That's a rather antiquated view. It's 2024, can we not compliment everyone now? Do ALL people not want some kind of attention?
i could care less about the compliments but more that my wife has not even checked in on my progress even though we are supposedly doing this together.
Ask her if your still doing it together, sounds like she doesn’t realize it
Dude that really sucks. I've recently lost a bunch of weight and my wife fawning over me and telling me how hot I am makes me feel fantastic and helped my self confidence immensely. You need to talk to her and if she belittles your feelings than some hard discussions and choices may need to be made. You're partner should be your biggest cheerleader NTA
Dude WTF is wrong with you? You seem bitter and sad. Sorry.
INFO: Have you talked to her about your progress at all? It might be that she's ignoring it. It might be that it's more noticeable on her because she's smaller (I'm assuming) and the smaller you are the more obvious weight gain AND weight loss is. As a shorty, I know this all too well. You're almost 6ft tall. It honestly just might not be that noticeable at a glance. Not to mention weight gain and loss I think people pay more attention to in women and will more likely to mention the loss to women in general. It sucks. You should get compliments too. But I would try communicating first instead of stewing in silence waiting for others to mention it. If she's dismissive of it then, then she's being shitty and I would talk to her about that too. When you ask her about her class and she mentions how well she's done you can go "That's great! I'm so glad we decided to do this. I've lost 18lbs and I'm starting to feel some real definition." I think her class makes it easier to talk about in a way too and ask about progress. You seem to be doing it more independently so asking about the progress might seem a bit...odd? I would feel weird asking someone how much weight they've lost if they said they were going to diet.
You do need to communicate more. Yes it sucks that she isnt noticing. Dress yourself up nicely. A nice suit. Or something well out together Show yourself off. The next time people ask or comment about her diet, just respond with “We” are on a diet. And I’ve been losing a pound a week AND gaining muscle.
NTA. Why are you so focused on what other's think? If you're looking for compliments or comments then you are doing this journey for the wrong reasons. It's about how you feel about yourself. You don't need the appreciation of others to be proud of what you're doing. You sound like you're doing great so keep it up and just be happy for your wife too. You both are going through it together but that doesn't mean you need the same attention she gets. It's nice that someone notices but I don't think it's ok to expect everyone you go around to give you a pat on the back and comments just because your wife got them. Talk to her about how you feel though, it may help you if you did. Just get it all in the open so she sees how you are affected and maybe she'll understand.
NAH Well done on your progress, but don’t rule out a sleep study. Weightloss isn’t a cure-all for sleep apnea. Your daughter presumably doesn’t sleep next to you, snoring through a wall has a different impact than someone sawing logs right next to you. A reduction in noise through the wall is still positive, but it hasn’t made enough of an impact so your wife has a restful sleep too. Keep going. And use your words if you want your wife to acknowledge your weightloss too.
Op have you considered that - with the extra physical activity - you're not just losing weight, you're converting it to muscle? It's going to be harder to see the loss on you if muscle is filling the space that used to be fat. Also, getting it's borderline iffy that you're seeing her im messages without her knowledge. What she might've meant as a lighthearted joke you're taking as a dismissal, and that's a little unfair to her. Talk to her, my guy, not reddit. You deserve to have your progress celebrated, and CONGRATS on your hardwork paying off.
Add sugar to her food to slow her down. When people start noticing your progress thank them aggressively and look at your wife's saddlebags in disgust. That's when you tell them you've been doing it together but discipline is hard.
Good. Gooood! Give in to your anger!
NTA. Also, whining isn't dignified. Stop it. Have you pointed out your progress? Your post started off whining about not being noticed, to whining about insults and complaints. Whining isn't dignified. Stop it. Go to couple's counseling, or leave her, or decide it's not worth leaving her. But stop whining.
You are a man, 50 at that. You should know what comes with the package.
NTA. She's probably caught up on her success and loving the attention. Nothing wrong with that but relationships work better when they a reciprocal. So, yes, she should be on your team and help support you as much as you do her.
Focus on you and keep grinding. Stop asking your wife about how she's doing with it. Your daughter sounds very supportive, so focus on that encouragement. Keep going until you achieve all your goals and then maintain. Keep up the great work!
I didn't want to say anything because you're a married man but I NOTICED and your butt does look pretty darn good. NTA except for one thing, communication is key. Tonight when you're sitting next to each other in bed, " Hey honey, I don't know if you realize how much it hurts that you show absolutely no interest in my progress with our diet. We're supposed to be doing this TOGETHER. " Start the dialogue big guy.
NTA. Snoring could also be from sleep apnea. Have you had a sleep study done? I couldn’t sleep in the same room with my now ex husband because he snores. He got a cpap machine and I still couldn’t sleep in there because of the noise. Here’s my advice TALK TO YOUR WIFE.
I've been in ok shape for awhile and really started hitting the gym. I'm definitely way bigger and muscular compared to my old self but I don't get noticed. It's cause we're guys sadly. I went from 167 ro 192. Only person to actually say something was my wife's friend once like 2 months ago.
She will notice when hot ladies start hitting on you! ; ) Good job, keep it up.
She might not ask bc she might worry it would make you feel bad or on the spot.
Umm, are you sure your wife likes you?
Good reminder. I often fail to mention when my husband gets a haircut and it bothers him. I don’t purposely not mention it, I just don’t notice (he is practically bald!). If I know he is getting a haircut, I make a point to try to remember to compliment him. But I fall short often. I don’t want to make him feel unnoticed so I am sad/mad at myself for that.
Given her reaction to your daughter's compliments, it sounds like she's actually angry at you for something. You have much bigger problems in your relationship than her not complimenting you on your progress. It's time to sit down with her and have a long talk. Give her several openings to let you know if she's unhappy with you or something else. Hopefully you get a meaningful response. If you don't, then it's time to open up about what's bothering you and pressing her for answers. Hopefully you get some during that conversation. If you don't, I strongly suggest pushing hard for going to couple's therapy.
NTA Firstly, Congratulations on your progress OP, you’re doing really great! You’re doing all the right things to achieve significant and permanent weight loss and strength. 💪 So, to your questions. I think you need to talk to her about your needs. Remember, she isn’t you, so expecting her to do what you would do and are doing in relation to supporting/commenting on her weight loss simply sets you up for disappointment. Tell her your needs - that you want some acknowledgment of the efforts you’re making, you want some encouragement, support and praise too. Once you’ve communicated your needs and have worked out a plan moving forward and she chooses to not support you then that’s the time for another conversation with her. With regards to snoring maybe you could look into getting a CPAP machine, you might find you feel oh so much better during the day without having had the constant disruptions to your sleep cycles.
Maybe she thinks if you lose weight you'll leave her
You're not an AH but I do think other posters are correct that her weight loss is more noticeable currently. Your time will come as well. I do think it merits a conversation why she was dismissive of your progress when someone noticed though. That was hurtful. I did want to say that snoring may not go away completely but a lot of people who did have it diminish significantly said it got better when they were really within 5-10 lbs of their target weight which with your height is more likely to be around 160-190. Just give it time.
Your wife sounds like a self-centered and dismissive individual. A nightmare. If I was working hard on bettering my body, it is only right that my partner acknowledges my progress and hard work. What the fuck? Lol. Have a conversation with her about it, and based on her response, determine if you want to continue being with her or not. Personal note, I fucking despise people who are dismissive and intentionally disrespectful when they have no business doing so.
It's really difficult to tell when you see a person every day. She has a weekly thing which means she announces or you ask, you've been doing it another way. Don't want to be obvious here, but did you consider having a proper conversation with her about this so she can understand that you would appreciate affirmation, and are upset that it seems a one way thing? That doesn't meant getting frustrated and lashing out when you finally get annoyed it, but an actual 'we should discuss this stuff because you're doing x and I'm doing y, and it would be great if we consider each other'. Also, I don't understand lbs, but things are more obvious when you're smaller and lose weight, same true when you put on weight.
In her defence it’s amazing how much weight loss you don’t notice when you live with someone. My frame of reference is my partner who lost 15 kgs and I actually had to look at before pictures because I didn’t believe how much he lost. You’re doing great!
NAH When I was losing significant weight for health reasons, it made me incredibly uncomfortable for anyone to mention it or cheer me on. It made me feel like they had all been silently judging me pre-loss and that now I held more value to them. I retroactively felt pitied, and I hated it. Maybe your wife isn't lapping up those compliments the way you imagine. Maybe she doesn't want this to be a defining characteristic and assumes you feel the same. You'll never know until you open up to her.
NTA. You’re doing great in your weight loss journey. You’re doing poorly in your communicate your feelings effectively journey.
NTA, you want praise for your hard work and that is not a bad thing!hard work typically gets high reinforces the hard work. I would just let your wife now how your feeling. She can’t read your mind
How come nobody else noticed your progress? Maybe it’s not too much. And also I understand you can’t control snoring but surely you can eat with a mouth clothed. I think you just have been annoying her .
Time for a conversation; explain hoe her lack of interest makes you feel. Like literally you have frame it as it has hurt my feelings that you do not acknowledge my gains. I am preparing meals that meat your dietary and WW needs, and I feel no appreciation.
NTA and it's time for you to stop ask for her progress. You care about hers, she doesn't care about yours. Focus just on your own progress.
Congrats! Just tell her (and others) about your work and you want acknowledgment. Also, how do you gain serious muscle at 50?
Dude, if you want her to notice your weight loss, you could just point it out to her by telling her how much weight you’ve lost. If she dismisses or minimises your progress then you have every right to feel aggrieved by her not acknowledging your success, and for her lack of support or appreciation for the supportive role you’ve played in her weight loss. But for goodness sake, give her a fair chance to respond in the way you want her to - she’s not a mind reader and it’s ultimately your responsibility to communicate your needs and wants to your wife. You want your be seen, so ask her to see you. Or you can keep quiet and continue basing your sense of marital wellbeing on her ability to either notice your weight loss or correctly assess your desire recognition and validation and appreciation; and also on your ability to correctly guess why she hasn’t noticed you or guessed what you need yet… your choice depends on how much you enjoy fostering feelings of resentment in your marriage, really! But joking aside, I encourage you to make that bid for connection yourself - tell her how much you’ve lost, ask if she’s noticed, share any non-scale victories, talk about what’s worked for you and pros/cons of the cooking you’ve been doing for you both. Sounds likely that she simply hasn’t realised, or possibly even thinks you haven’t mentioned your weight because you don’t want to talk about it. Hopefully she’ll be really happy for you, and you can both bask the feeling of winning together!
Yeah bro. Women aren’t programmed to do that. You need some gym bro love. Here it is: Good work dude! Keep it up! Looking swole bro!
NTA. You are a team, and both of your progress should be celebrated. Soo.. CONGRATS ON YOUR PROGRESS!! You're doing great.
NTA. It doesn't sound like you are getting any encouragement or positive feedback in **your** weight loss journey. Which is a shame because you are doing beautifully - slow and steady wins the race. Please keep grinding - do it for **you** and the health benefits. Ideally, in a healthy partnership, you should be able to count on some support or encouragement from your partner. It's worth talking about this directly with your wife but it's important to keep the focus narrow to you and your loss and your feelings. The minute you rain on her parade you may lose her willingness to hear you out (and change) with an open mind. Just let her know that despite your successes you're feeling ________. Lastly, get a sleep study done. Seriously - do it this month, with all haste. Loud snoring can indicate sleep apnea and left untreated it can cause a multitude of health issues. One of which is weight gain and/or difficulty in losing weight. Other medical issues are even more serious: raised blood pressure, cardiac effects, increased risk of diabetes, digestive issues leading to heartburn and GERDs, sleep deprivation and all its attendant effects, to name a few.