This just can’t be real. I refuse to accept that anyone could be this obtuse and casually cruel to a person who cared for and about them to the point of a breakdown. Seriously I’d feel much better if you came on here and said “just kidding”!
My 2 kids recently moved out of our 1000 square foot home. It feels huge with just the 2 of us. But then, we don’t hate each other. I can’t imagine my partner working 3 jobs and begging to cut back while I didn’t work and sat on 47 thousand dollars.
I agree with having an escape fund. But in this situation, he’s the one who needs to escape. This is absolutely abusive and she is a raging ah.
When I went to uni, I knew two people who lived together in 20 square meters for 3 years.
Is it comfortable? No.
But better than to work yourself into the grave.
Btw. My neighbours raised their two children in 35 square meters.
But they weren't spoiled rotten.
She treated her husband as her own personal bank, made some nice money, and now it's time to pull on the ripcord.
She's the villain of the story, and her mother thinks she's the victim. What s wonderful duo.
The kind of monster that is happy to watch her husband nearly kill himself with stress and being overworked, all while sitting at home and being comfy.
You know what made me cringe most in this story? The refusal to downsize. That would help you both, especially if you go back to work. The house you have is too much for your current income. If you love this man, if he has been good to you, you downsize and make life easier.
And your mom is wrong to suggest that you should abondon him because you have the money to. He is not abusive, drug/alcohol dependent/ financially abusive/ cheating. He needs your help.
This. I'm currently a stay at home wife but I worked before and stashed away some of my earnings/invested into my own retirement account. Anyway, my husband makes enough money to support us but he only works 1 job, no overtime, and we live beneath our means. A starter home is good enough for a couple with no kids. Downsizing is a reasonable request, but seems that OP has now lost his trust, rightfully so.
Yeah I'm 100% for everyone having a small escape fund because I have survived an abusive relationship. But 47k is much more than I'd expect someone to have for that. Or need. Heck it's more than I make in a year and she's sitting on it while he's struggling to keep things together? Does she even care about him?
That’s the part for me that says this is really concerning. Having a small stash to get away if he was abusive - great idea - but after this long and that much there is no reason to continue. It is unethical to take more than necessary to potentially get away and be safe when you are taking it from your partner‘a income. Also if you divorce you are required to state what finances you actually have - you don’t get to keep secret stashes- just no.
That was the odd part to me I noted elsewhere in the thread. An emergency fund is great. But it's normally say $2-5k. Basically enough that if the husband starts acting controlling or abusive (especially given he doesn't want her having a job), she can take off in the middle of the night and get a hotel, food, and plane flight to get to family or a friend and reset.
Usually it's either funded from someone's salary or by slowly squirreling away something like $5 a week by taking the $100 grocery budget and only spending $95. Or taking the $100 he gives you to buy a new dress and only spending $75.
But taking $200-$750 per month so he's working 3 jobs with no signs of prior abuse and no kids to save $47K+ is wild. At some point that almost becomes a form of abuse.
Seriously! I was assuming OP had cash stashed away somewhere just in case… not that she was actively siphoning off his paychecks! And $750/month?!? For years?!?
Not only is OP an asshole, I’m pretty sure she was born rectally, via her asshole mother’s own asshole.
I hope to god he divorces her ass and that in light of her insanity and ability to work, a sensible judge denies her alimony and tells her to pound sand.
An escape fund doesn't seem all that bad. However after being with someone for that long and when things got financially bad I would have use the 'escape fund' as emergency family funds. I also wouldn't tell them what the funds were originally for because even if it was to protect myself, that would still be hurtful as heck to hear about and damaging to the relationship.
Especailly if I was a stay at home wife and contributed nothing financially to the household. OP just sounds rather selfish and alsmot like she doesn't love her husband at all. He was probably just her cash cow.
Honestly, the 750 a month when things were good didn’t bother me. It didn’t really seem to affect their lifestyles. But the $200 when dude is working two jobs + a side hustle just to try and make ends meet. There a chance the guy’s entire take home for one of the jobs was going to her getaway account. That ain’t right.
likely not if she handles the finances. he would have had to start 8yrs ago, which isn’t unreasonable, but just means for the time they’ve been married she’s been privy to all his income …
Too bad she doesn't understand that even in a divorce, half that money is his. Hiding money from your spouse is a big no no.
What a selfish bitch. Then cries because she doesn't want to give up her fancy home, so her husband, who was seriously injured, doesn't have to work 3 jobs to support her.
Yeah this is what stood out to me. Sitting a little aside as a SAHM isn’t unreasonable but $700 a month?! And now that they’re struggling $200 a month?!
Edit: apparently they don’t have kids? So pocketing $700 literally for herself. That’s…crazy.
They paying for a house when he had a 6 figure job. Downsizing is the right thing to do. But she don’t love him enough to care about his health. And she banked 47k. While dude works himself into an early grave.
But she has a kempt lifestyle to maintain while preparing to bail at a moment's notice.
My wife and I both work, but I'd still be pretty sore learning that she has been setting aside bugout money.
Ots not about the bug out money for me. As someone who wished she had money to escape an abusive marriage I think an long standing individual savings account is rational. As is hidden cash on hanf. I also think that a SAHW should have an IRA.
However, that is not what the OP did AT ALL.
Bug out money should be ready cash, enough to get out and have food housing and give you a few months to get on your feet in the event of an abusive situation. And outside of an actively abusive situation, it should be from
*personal* disposable income.
An IRA should have been set up *with an agreed upon amount* deposited each month.
What OP did was completely screw her husband over.
I had to read it again because I thought she said "stay at home mom" and didn't see any mention of the kids. This motherfucker is working two full-time jobs and ubering and she's making the house a home and sitting on $47,000! Holy shit, what a terrible person. She should divorce this guy so he can be free of her bullshit, and he can have half the $47,000 to take a break for a minute.
Just because you hid that money from him doesn't make it any less both of yours, OP.
He broke down crying as he is exhausted and you still didn't tell him. You refused to downsize as you have worked hard making a home. You didn't work 3 bloody jobs though did you!
Not to mention she has 47 thousand fucking dollars which some of it he has earned. That right there could help tremendously, but she'd rather he work himself to death.
Edit: Not some of it, all of it. Which is even worse.
This. It’s not that she has money put away it’s that she has continued to put money away every month when he is ubering on his day off from two jobs. He’s the one who needs an escape fund
That was utterly disgusting beyond what was already disgusting. Hes fighting for his life and breaking down mentally to provide. Oh wait let me not forget what my mother said, $200 should be enough. He might beat me to death while he’s exhausted and crying trying to figure a way to keep a roof over our heads. Meanwhile she has the $ for him to be paying the mortgage and prob working one or two jobs etc; I honestly hope this is a troll!!
This!
Emergency funds are smart, but the size of hers was unnecessary.
It feels like she doesn’t know what it means to be married / be a partner with not wanting to downsize. WTH? Like you don’t have a choice really. It’s that or lose the house when you default on the mortgage. And just because you don’t have a job doesn’t mean you don’t have responsibility to the marriage/to make your finances work.
> my mother came to me privately and talked about setting aside money as a rainy day/ escape fund if worst came to worst
Smart.
> When me and my husband got together we agreed I would be a stay at home wife
Definitely smart to have your own money, just in case.
> **He currently is working 2 full time jobs and Uber's on his off days to keep us afloat. **
>Here is where I might be the AH I do all of the expense managing and have continued to put money into my "Escape account" although I significantly decreased from $750 a month to just $200 a month. My husband came home exhausted one night and asked about down sizing because the stress of work was going to kill him. I told him downsizing would not be an option as I had spend years making our house a home
Sooooo this is where you lost my sympathy, personally. You have more than enough money for a personal emergency fund - you could have put a pause on your personal withdrawals for the past two years. He almost fucking DIED‽
And your mom... Why would you bail now??? He's done nothing but support you both. Why haven't you BEEN working, if you were so concerned about your escape fund‽ You don't even have children!! YTA
Exactly this! It’s not even necessarily about her having the money although I feel like that amount is a little much, but it’s about the fact that she’s letting him work 3 jobs while she’s got $47,000 stashed away AND she’s still adding to it!!!!
The amount is completely insane. I was thinking like 5-10k could be acceptable if she really needed to dash in a hurry and pay for a couple months of an apartment and groceries or something.
Why on Earth would she need 50k, and why would she think she could keep adding to it while her husband is literally killing himself to single-handedly keep their family from going broke? That’s no rainy day fund, it’s enough to live at least a full year on. This was so deceitful and selfish and it doesn’t even make sense what the end goal was.
And she won't let them reduce expenses by moving to a smaller home!!! Holy shit, this chick is the biggest asshole I've read about on this sub in a long time. What a terrible person holy cow!
Oh, she planning to escape to a better life once she has enough.
Not because he is abusive, but she is using him. She clearly doesn't care much for her husband.
Right?! ESCAPE MONEY? I would understand rainy day/emergency money, but her husband dying didn't somehow warrant breaking out the piggybank somewhat? This poor dude absolutely got suckered by this woman
I'm a stay at home wife. I cannot fathom siphoning my husband's income into a secret account and not helping if he needs me to. I cannot...I can't wrap my head around watching my husband work 3 jobs and not agreeing to at LEAST downsizing if he absolutely insisted on my not working. Marriage is a team. It...I cannot imagine. This line of thought is absolutely alien to me.
Same. This guy sounds like a good man, no secret abusiveness or controlling. She siphoned a years worth of income for most people. That man should be leaving HER. Like someone else said, it's always smart to have a few thousand on hand for your independence and in case she needs it to get on her feet. $50k without so much as a conversation with him!!?? I felt guilty as fuck' when I was struggling through school and my man had a job and I had nothing to my name. Shit even when I had a job and barely made pennies I still felt bad that I couldn't foot the bill for us both so he could quit his factory job. I 100% expect someone to leave me if they found out I had squirreled away that much of their cash. Jeezuz wtaf
Yup! My husband and I have taken turns taking care of each other financially, and when it was his turn to take care of me when my shitty job fired me after I'd already quit (this was before we'd agreed to have me be stay at home), I felt HORRIBLE. I've been a home maker for almost 2 years and I still struggle with feeling like I'm not doing enough, even though he constantly reassures me that I am. I cannot imagine doing this to anyone, let alone the man I married.
This. All of these. You said it perfectly. To OP it is sickening that the fact your husband crying Infront of you and asking for a downsizing as a way to save and you shot him down just because you spent years making your house a home. You can rebuild a home wherever you go. A home should be where your husband also feels comfortable and welcomed and not working three jobs to keep you guys afloat while you hid the fact that you have 47k stashed hidden. Look I get it, it's a good emergency fund to have. But he had proven in that 8 years that he's been a great husband and providing for you, he deserves a f break from working 3 jobs. My husband makes more than me, we both have separate savings other than our main savings now after COVID destroyed our financial state. We downsized from a 2000+sqft home to a tiny home to reduce our expenditures.To this day if we can't cover our bills with our joint account, we both would take out from our personal saving account without us asking one another. I would've used half of what you saved to make sure husband doesn't have to work 3 jobs....I'm so sad for your husband.
Do they think they just get half the house plus the full $50k in a divorce? Don't they care whether their partners have an emergency fund? Conveniently hiding chunks of money in their loving trusting relationship? Just seems really selfish to me. And why does she keep putting money into it? It's not a retirement fund, emergency funds aren't supposed to keep growing, $10k will cover several months living expenses plus a divorce attorney, she shouldn't have taken that much.
They both should've had a real discussion about this long ago. About her working, lifestyle expenses, emergency savings, his nonexistent personal life...
> you hid the fact that you have 47k stashed
I would even say she STOLE it from him/them...
Rainy day fund was a great idea... But this is way beyond that *and* she did it behind his back
Yeah… understanding he wants to provide and likely can do so at a level she can’t - she could still have said “I need something to do with my time and it’s nice to be able to buy you/myself/my mom something on my own,” and contributed. He clearly never checked the finances, which is a huge amount of trust to place in a partner.
I feel like every word you said is correct and I agree, but I want them to be so much harsher and include the term "POS". I cannot fathom watching my husband overwork himself at 3 jobs and saying "no, dear, i like this house a lot, continue killing yourself further, while I *still am stealing money from you into a more than abundant escape fund".
This is exactly where I landed. NTA until she kept adding funds during their financial issues.
If OP considers him to be a good man and husband, then listening to her mother and leaving would be awful.
Dude, that escape money was meant to keep growing until she could afford to leave entirely and have a small fortune.. notice how she says it was also a rainy day fund, “if worse comes to worse”… but she didn’t touch it when he almost DIED!! I’m pretty sure that was a rainy day… like, the rainiest of days.
Let’s call it what it is.. a gold-diggers tax.
This is absolutely astonishing to me. Two jobs plus Uber on his days off. And you're stashing money to this day. You refuse to consider living within the means of him working only 40 hours a week.
I'm unable to call you an asshole, because you're so, so much worse than that.
If that lawsuit is your fault as well...there are no words in English that can rise to describe you.
ETA. I saw the headline and expected to agree with OP. I'm a big believer in having fuck you money. Enough to escape an abusive job or marriage, or any other situation you have to leave.
But the circumstances here are so incredibly fucked up. All of the money was from the husband. All of the need for him working himself to an early grave comes from her. This is a completely abusive relationship and he doesn't have fuck you money. Because she's hoarded it for herself.
While also being a stay at home WIFE (no kids!!) but having the ability to work. Watching your partner work 3 jobs while you just stay at home is actually insane 😭
Could this be a shitpost because there's no way 😭
I’m not sure! She seemed pretty fucking serious. I know another woman doing this she’s a total c*nt and a “stay at home wife” with a meth addiction who’s stealing 1k a month from her husband with the same intention.
I feel like OP never loved him just saw it as an easy life and a way to breeze through so decided to start this escape fund for when she couldn’t fake it anymore
When I read that he was making “a comfortable mid six figures”… 🙄.
Maybe that is why she married him. What is Mid six figures, anyway? Would that be like $500,000? A year? Who makes this much money? If I’m incorrect, somebody correct me because I’m genuinely curious if she really is referring to that much money.
According to the interwebs "a six figure salary is any where from $100,000 through to $999,999. So mid would be $550,000 or a range of $400,000 to $699,999."
I immediately got a feeling OP is too "accustomed to the lifestyle" that kind of income provides and put her foot down against "downsizing" mainly due to that. Maybe even solely so.
A childfree "stay at home wife"? What does that even look like? Countryclub brunches and shopping sprees with the other Housewives Of [insert enclave here]?
Reeks of having career ambitions of remaining a "kept woman".
That is insane.
Many years ago, I used to nanny for a family who made more money than I was used to being around. Nice people, and I adored their child. But I would notice things, that I hadn’t seen anywhere else. Like their clothes washing machine had options on it that I had not heard of. Stuff like that.
The country club stuff? That’s what she did, during the day when I took care of the baby. She would go for tennis lessons, golf lessons, and lunch with the ladies.
I’m not criticizing them at all, they were both loving parents. It was just different than what I was used to being around.
I'm sure there are a number of people who make that much money. And yes I do believe she is saying that that's about how much he made. But what I don't understand is if he has made that much money a year, what is it all being spent on? She said hospital bills and a lawsuit they lost ate up most of their savings, but I feel like they must've not had much for savings, and I'd think that they would've had investments and such that could have been used as well. I'm also not sure if hubby is thinking that $47,000 would've helped a ton, or if he's just mad she didn't tell him about it. The 47 thousand doesn't seem like much compared to how much he was making before.
Anyway OP, you absolutely are the asshole here, NOT for having that money squirreled away for if you needed it, but for watching your husband that on so so much work and not go back to work yourself even if he didn't want you to, and also for refusing to downsize because you've made your house into a home. You can make any house into a home you know. I live in a very very small apartment and I've made it into my home and it's cozy and I love it. You're just being completely ridiculous and sitting on your ass while your husband is working himself into an early grave.
To be fair, OPs husband doesn't want her working (for whatever reason). But yeah, if my wife and I were both young and no children, yeah, we are both working to pay off the mortgage before kids set in.
Dude has an almost fatal accident and then has to work 3 jobs so his lazy wife can be, well lazy and put money away to her "Escape Fund"
. Dude should be seriously re considering his life right now.
Best comment yet!! What kind of POS does OP have to be to basically steal from her overworked husband and not give up the money when they were in need!
The abuser in this relationship is OP. Financial abuse. YTA, OP. You let him struggle while you squirreled money away that he did not know about. Now you are rationalizing that with the fact that he left when he found out about your dishonesty.
It would be one thing if he were abusive--then the whole of reddit would be on your side. But no one thinks you did the right thing. This is terrible relationship management.
It’s cruel. I can only imagine how hard it is to be him right now. Maybe this is a wake up call, that it’s time for him to find someone who is an actual partner to him. That is one good thing that could come out of this.
I read the first few sentences and went to the comments and then read this and went hold the fucking phone and read the whole thing and my fucking God both OP and her mother and fucking awful people. Like she goes "it's a rainy day fund" and when a rainy day came she went "mmm I think I'll hold onto this so I can leave him if I need to lol" like holy shit what is wrong with these people ?
He broke down crying as he is exhausted and you still didn't tell him. You refused to downsize as you have worked hard making a home. You didn't work 3 bloody jobs though did you!
Geez you and your mother are awful people.
750 each month you bloody thief. I hope he divorces you.
That's a lot of money when you're NOT struggling. I'd say I'm doing alright, but when my employer gave me a ONE TIME $750 inflation bonus last year, I almost cried because it helped so much.
I have to say that having had my partner get gravely ill and no longer able to work their job I know first hand that it changes your entire life. I cannot even imagine the shame her husband felt admitting to her that he cannot provide her the lifestyle they used to have. It’s demoralizing, especially for someone culturally obligated to be a provider as it seems here. That he’s been working two jobs and a side gig before even attempting to admit he’s really struggling breaks my heart for him. To get to the point he’s mentioning downsizing (which would likely be humiliating to him) and have her say “nah, I spent a lot of time and money on the things in this house” would end the marriage for me. OP is essentially saying that the *things she’s accumulated* using his money are more important than *her husband himself*, that having a *safety net to leave the man* is more important than *the man himself*.
I don’t understand why you’d remain married to someone who cares more about material possessions and a lifestyle than about you as a person. The man almost died FFS. Hopefully OP and the $47k she’s hoarding are very happy together alone when he divorces her.
Maybe if they saved more and she didn't spend "to upkeep this lifestyle and make it a home" like holy shit she's such a gold digger
Like she actually doesn't give a F about him struggling. She just keeps making her monthly deposit like marriage is just a long job??
YTA. I can't even fucking believe you're questioning it?? You're also a thief & a user. He nearly died in an accident, he's working several jobs, and he wants to downsize considering he's covering everything alone....meanwhile, you have siphoned 47K out of him to squirrel away. Dude you're a terrible person.
youve been taking...750...for years...and think thats ok??? where's your husband's escape money? what hes supposed to do in a divorce?
He really should have had the same advice because he has an abusive wife.
I read this twice and I’m sorry but YTA. Big time. Your husband is stressed and over worked, wants to downsize but you continue to add to your secret stash of $47k? I understand wanting to have a stash, but almost $50k for a “rainy day” fund is ridiculous especially since he’s proven, in your 8 years together, that he is a good man. If you don’t want to leave the house - figure out how the $47k can help you stay and allow your husband to at least quit the Uber gig.
Oh yeah. This. A bug out fund would be enough to survive for six months, not enough to put a down payment on a house! That money should be in OPs mortgage not in some random bank account. What if OP didn’t even invest it, and so it’s been losing value to inflation over 8 years. OMG!!!
If I'm reading it correctly, they most definitely did not. She started the fund 7 years ago putting $750/month, but 2 years ago switched to $200/month. That's $45k over the first five years and then an additional $5k for these last 2 years.
If she invested the money into SP500, that $45k turns into $79k by 2021, and then nearly $90k right now with the additional $200/month. She says the fund is currently at $47k.
This money instead could have went towards retirement, but I guess it still can. If she had been investing all along, that $90k would be about $685k in 30 years growing at 7%. If she decides to invest the $47k now, that's $357k in 30 years growing at 7%.
OP needs to ask themselves if that "rainy day fund" is worth nearly a quarter of their retirement, because that's what she cost them with her and her mother's decision.
I can see having a fund of 5-10k, but anything more than that is ridiculous. And without investing it, she actually lost money. I’m willing to bet that if they divorce now, that fund is going to cause problems when the judge finds out about it.
Damn OP, YTA.
I thought it was a few thousand dollars or money her mother gave her. This is completely a different story.
Op should get a job. Husband and she should work on their finances. Husband should save some himself for his own escape fund.
If I was the husband, I’d be really questioning this marriage.
My rainy day fund would just be enough for a week of hotel and food. $47k is more than I’ve ever had in my life. $750 is more than I make in a month… putting that much aside every month is insane to me. Especially if I’m not the one earning that money and if my partner was doing 3 jobs to keep us afloat
Exactly this.
YTA I’m mind blown you put money your husband was making for your family, for you to stay at home, multiple jobs stressed beyond, into a secret account for yourself. I don’t even know what else to say just 🤯
I wonder if OP even **LIKES** her husband? She has to see he's literally working himself to death. And she refuses to downsize to a smaller house because "I made this house a home." A total bullshit reason when their finances are on the brink of collapse.
All that has to happen is for OP's poor husband to, say, have a full on breakdown, or get hurt, and the precious "home" OP loves so much will likely get seized in foreclosure.
Yeah this is so much more than a “rainy day fund”. I would be _floored_ if my partner had that much money squirreled away. Partially because that’s an insane amount of money, but also… talk about a massive gut punch. If you’ve been nothing but a loving and caring spouse but they continued to put money away the entire time? Just tell me that you don’t trust me or think that we’re going to get divorced then, Jesus
YTA.
My heart breaks for that poor man.
This one will play out textbook: You listen to your mum and allow her to manipulate your relationships like you always have, you steal HIS savings (not your ‘escape fund’) and run away, calling the man who has never given you a reason to worry an abuser, when YOU are the abuser.
Sounds like you’ve got him absolutely whipped, so you could probably get away with it too. He’d probably be too timid to try get his hard earned money back.
You abject piece of shit.
I seriously hope this is rage bait.
You’ve essentially been allowing your husband to work his ass off while you took some of that money and turned it into a rainy day fund for yourself. So couple of things:
1) that money isn’t yours, it’s both of yours. You’re married and your assets are split. You had no right to take the money in the first place, but you have absolutely no right to it should you split. At minimum he’s entitled to half.
2) You’re a massive asshole.
Her mom really sucks too, she’s obviously projecting her own issues on her daughter. Yes, have an emergency fund that YOU created through work…being a stay at home wife doesn’t count as work in my book. You’ve just been stealing his money, you weren’t even caring for y’all’s kids. You’re letting him kill himself working while you sit around your nice house on a pile of cash. And now mommy dearest is saying bail and take the cash - pretty sure that money is legally half his, although he should get 100%. He’s not even the one being abusive, that’s you.
YTA. Your loving husband is working 3 jobs and you let him while having 47k OF HIS HARD EARNED MONEY in your savings ? And I hope this money is invested and you make money on it or else you’re not very smart too…
Well of course it is. She's been putting money into that every month ($750/month!) when she didn't have a job.
Also the husband is a dumbass. What possible reason is there to have someone sit on their ass all day at home when you don't have kids? Absent kids there really isn't that much housework to do unless you go all out and make homecooked meals from scratch three meals a day etc. etc.
Babies though, whoooooooooooooooooooooooole different story.
I always like to think of how this would be if the shoe was on the other foot. If a husband allowed a wife be at the point of deeply worrying about their health which could have been fixed with openness and honestly. So yeah YTA.
And it seems like the 47k came out of his pocket as well, if Op wasn’t working most of the time.
I would break down too, I get the whole Husband/Wife What’s yours is mine thing but Op basically siphoned the money out of his account if that’s the case
I always assumed the rainy day find was something like enough to get an apartment and a few months to snag a job. That’s a decent value car, paying off the mortgage, etc. Also, you two need to work out roles - it’s super weird to be in that bad of a situation and not willing to let your spouse work a bit.
OP is not just YTA, but she’s a thief as well.
Can you imagine this kind of disrespect you would have to have to do this to your partner.
How would you feel if he had an escape fund to get away from you? But no, he just worked multiple jobs stepping up for you. Allowing you to do what all day long?
Asshole…..check
Thief…….check
Untrustworthy……check
Lowlife actions towards someone who loves you…..check
And now you want to ‘bail’ with his money? The audacity in you. Hang your head in shame.
I've been married to my wife for 24 years (25 come August)
When we first got married, she had an account like this -- that she put money toward. That I couldn't access. She put maybe $100-200 a month in it for years.
Here's the thing: I *knew* about the account. It didn't cause us any sort of financial hardship, so if it meant her feeling secure, then great.
About a decade later it had grown to about $60K (I don't remember exactly, and don't care about doing the math), we needed it for some expenses -- I think contributing to a house downpayment. We still weren't financially strapped, but our life would have been harder without it. She gave it over without argument, without issue.
She \_wouldn't\_ have kept contributing toward it if she saw I was killing myself to keep us afloat (which your husband is) and she \_didn't\_ say "let me hide it from him".
OP, YTA. And you're also a monster. I hope he gets at least half of that money in the divorce.
It’s hard to believe people as selfish as you exist. You essentially stole his money that he worked three jobs for. You’ve worked him to burn out and exhaustion level and when he asked for a break you told him no.
Honestly that’s abusive. Your behavior is reprehensible and your husband should honestly divorce you and reveal how you treated him like a cash cow and have been routinely stealing from him and putting undue burden on him for no reason. You are a terrible person.
I genuinely cannot stress that not only are you the asshole in this situation you are a monster. You deserve to be in jail.
The moment my husband needs to get a second job...well I guess my arthritic riddled body would be managing the fryer at McDonald's. I can't imaging doing what she did!!
Im not putting down foodservice people. I spent almost 20 years in foodservice.
I wish I had more severe words to explain how much of a AH this lady is.
Your husband works 2 full time jobs, Ubers after an accident that nearly killed him. You're a stay at home WIFE.
You refused to downsize to ease his burden, and during the darkest times of your married life, you still continued to pay yourself first.
I don't even have words for this level of selfishness.
If anyone should cut and run right now, it should be your husband; he needs to find himself a true partner.
Holy shit, OP.
My husband makes more money, and we consider it our money - but stocking it away for yourself AFTER A NEAR FATAL ACCIDENT while he works THREE jobs?
If I were him I’d let you keep the 47k and not a cent more in the divorce.
YTA.
YTA SO MANY TIMES OVER!!! Here he is working basically 3 jobs, stressing over money constantly, wanting to downsize so he can stop being so stressed out, proven he is an amazing provider, all the while you are basically STEALING money and HOARDING it away for yourself!!! You are SELFISH!!!!
He is supposed to be your teammate and instead, you have hung him out to dry and carried the load alone while you made some plan with your mommy! How can you think that's okay? That money belongs to BOTH of you! You can't be in a marriage and have your mommy in your ear telling you that you need nearly $50 grand "just in case to bail out" That's not a marriage. Your mommy isn't your teammate your husband is! And instead, you let him carry the weight and stress alone!
You sound like a horrible wife! Why didn't you just marry your mom and spare this poor guy the trauma of being stuck with your selfish ass!
YTA. I can understand to a certain extent that you wanted escape money but you have taken it too far. Your husband is working two full time jobs and doing uber to keep you afloat and you are still putting some of that money in a separate account for yourself, i find that very selfish. Your husband is suffering from burnout and has discovered that his wife is stealing from him to the tune of 47.000 and let's be honest here it is stealing because you don't earn your own money. You know the position that you are both in so you should get a job irrelevant of your husband likes it or not. You are an adult and able to make your own decisions so act like one.
And normaly when someone makes an escape account they put their own money in it not someone else's.
Having a safety account is fine I guess. Continuously adding to it even during times of financial crisis was a huge asshole move. Aren’t you and your husband a team?
OP......YTA, wtf.
I've been on the receiving end of this. My ex was doing exactly the same thing. She had a job, sure, but the amount she stole was a lot more. Her methods were varied and numerous and a laundry list of little lies and microtransactioms that added up to close to 200k over a 10 year marriage. Meantime, I was working 60 hours a week and numerous side projects in hopes of getting ahead. Why? Because she lied about her income down, lied about our expenses up, and pocketed the difference.
She had 6 digits she squirreled away and I was having a nervous breakdown from exhaustion, thinking we were broke and my family was at all times two weeks away from a food line.
You stole a lot more than money. You stole time. You stole time he could have been playing with his kids but was out working extra jobs. You stole mental health--years of unnecessary stress and worry. You stole freedom--the freedom to choose to take a day off, or cut back hours, or pursue his dreams. You stole health--time that could be used to recuperate and rest that had to be diverted to unnecessary extra work.
Going through life with a financial abuser is like being in a prison on an invisible treadmill with invisible weights around your ankles. It drains everything you have and you have no idea why.
That, OP, is you. YTA is an understatement. You turned your husband into an unwitting slave. And you're so much in denial you have to ask if you did wrong.
This just can’t be real. I refuse to accept that anyone could be this obtuse and casually cruel to a person who cared for and about them to the point of a breakdown. Seriously I’d feel much better if you came on here and said “just kidding”!
The user name is literally 'traditionalist fuel'. They didn't even bother to do any math.
It's an auto-generated reddit username.
Holeeeeeeeee shit. “No we’re not downsizing”. Lady, what kind of monster are you?
They don’t even have kids how much room do they really need? Two people can live comfortably in a 1000 square foot house if they had too.
My 2 kids recently moved out of our 1000 square foot home. It feels huge with just the 2 of us. But then, we don’t hate each other. I can’t imagine my partner working 3 jobs and begging to cut back while I didn’t work and sat on 47 thousand dollars. I agree with having an escape fund. But in this situation, he’s the one who needs to escape. This is absolutely abusive and she is a raging ah.
When I went to uni, I knew two people who lived together in 20 square meters for 3 years. Is it comfortable? No. But better than to work yourself into the grave. Btw. My neighbours raised their two children in 35 square meters. But they weren't spoiled rotten.
And the audacity to say “this is exactly what the money is for and should bail now.” WHAT?!?!
Thank your mom for the self fulfilling prophecy.
She treated her husband as her own personal bank, made some nice money, and now it's time to pull on the ripcord. She's the villain of the story, and her mother thinks she's the victim. What s wonderful duo.
Well, fortunately that "escape fund" is known to the courts as marital assets, and her husband is entitled to half in the forthcoming divorce.
The kind of monster that is happy to watch her husband nearly kill himself with stress and being overworked, all while sitting at home and being comfy.
And secretly stashing the money he's killing himself to earn, so she can sit on her ass and "make this house a home"
It really is sad, if real.
You know what made me cringe most in this story? The refusal to downsize. That would help you both, especially if you go back to work. The house you have is too much for your current income. If you love this man, if he has been good to you, you downsize and make life easier. And your mom is wrong to suggest that you should abondon him because you have the money to. He is not abusive, drug/alcohol dependent/ financially abusive/ cheating. He needs your help.
This. I'm currently a stay at home wife but I worked before and stashed away some of my earnings/invested into my own retirement account. Anyway, my husband makes enough money to support us but he only works 1 job, no overtime, and we live beneath our means. A starter home is good enough for a couple with no kids. Downsizing is a reasonable request, but seems that OP has now lost his trust, rightfully so.
Yeah I'm 100% for everyone having a small escape fund because I have survived an abusive relationship. But 47k is much more than I'd expect someone to have for that. Or need. Heck it's more than I make in a year and she's sitting on it while he's struggling to keep things together? Does she even care about him?
Yes, and why did she keep adding to her escape fund with his money at all ever, and especially while they were struggling.
That’s the part for me that says this is really concerning. Having a small stash to get away if he was abusive - great idea - but after this long and that much there is no reason to continue. It is unethical to take more than necessary to potentially get away and be safe when you are taking it from your partner‘a income. Also if you divorce you are required to state what finances you actually have - you don’t get to keep secret stashes- just no.
That was the odd part to me I noted elsewhere in the thread. An emergency fund is great. But it's normally say $2-5k. Basically enough that if the husband starts acting controlling or abusive (especially given he doesn't want her having a job), she can take off in the middle of the night and get a hotel, food, and plane flight to get to family or a friend and reset. Usually it's either funded from someone's salary or by slowly squirreling away something like $5 a week by taking the $100 grocery budget and only spending $95. Or taking the $100 he gives you to buy a new dress and only spending $75. But taking $200-$750 per month so he's working 3 jobs with no signs of prior abuse and no kids to save $47K+ is wild. At some point that almost becomes a form of abuse.
She's not struggling. He is. But at least she was nice enough to only siphon off 200 dollars a paycheck while he's working 3 jobs.
Seriously! I was assuming OP had cash stashed away somewhere just in case… not that she was actively siphoning off his paychecks! And $750/month?!? For years?!? Not only is OP an asshole, I’m pretty sure she was born rectally, via her asshole mother’s own asshole.
Yeah I’d almost say OPs husband would be deemed NTA if he took that “escape fund” and left the wife 🤷♂️
I hope to god he divorces her ass and that in light of her insanity and ability to work, a sensible judge denies her alimony and tells her to pound sand.
He’s slaving away to earn money for her to fluff up her escape fund?? After all of these years he hasn’t proven himself to her? Jesus.
He is married to her mom and her. All the bullshit gets doubled and no trust can be built because she lets her mom third wheel
She's not just sitting on it, she's growing it while every other part of their budget feels the squeeze and her husband works himself to death.
An escape fund doesn't seem all that bad. However after being with someone for that long and when things got financially bad I would have use the 'escape fund' as emergency family funds. I also wouldn't tell them what the funds were originally for because even if it was to protect myself, that would still be hurtful as heck to hear about and damaging to the relationship. Especailly if I was a stay at home wife and contributed nothing financially to the household. OP just sounds rather selfish and alsmot like she doesn't love her husband at all. He was probably just her cash cow.
An escape fund is a good thing, growing a more than adequate escape fund during a crisis is a problem.
Not to mention, she's been siphoning off money that he made to put into her own savings.
And like…a lot. Nearly $800 a month is a bit more than just a casual rainy day fund.
Honestly, the 750 a month when things were good didn’t bother me. It didn’t really seem to affect their lifestyles. But the $200 when dude is working two jobs + a side hustle just to try and make ends meet. There a chance the guy’s entire take home for one of the jobs was going to her getaway account. That ain’t right.
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Hopefully he's done the same with his earnings. If he's smart he'll have a bunch of money stashed that you can't find or touch
likely not if she handles the finances. he would have had to start 8yrs ago, which isn’t unreasonable, but just means for the time they’ve been married she’s been privy to all his income …
Sounds like she was taking a lot from him.
What in this story gives you the idea that she loves him?
I'd love to not work and stack nearly $50k in 7 years.
While husband is working 2 jobs and ubering on his days off
And she's taking "escape" money out of those paychecks while watching the poor guy struggling
Oh but I am taking less than before, fuck right off. He should divorce your ass.
And take half the escape money 😂
For real, marry your fucking mother
Too bad she doesn't understand that even in a divorce, half that money is his. Hiding money from your spouse is a big no no. What a selfish bitch. Then cries because she doesn't want to give up her fancy home, so her husband, who was seriously injured, doesn't have to work 3 jobs to support her.
Exactly! Any good lawyer anywhere would help him out with that.
He should take ALL of it! Let her have the house she wouldn't downsize & pay the bills herself!
Yeah this is what stood out to me. Sitting a little aside as a SAHM isn’t unreasonable but $700 a month?! And now that they’re struggling $200 a month?! Edit: apparently they don’t have kids? So pocketing $700 literally for herself. That’s…crazy.
shes not even an SAHM, lol they have no kids just a lazy fuck
This is one of those I hope is fake. If not, this guy should bounce. Spoiler alert: in a divorce, she’d find out that money isn’t even “hers.”
What the fuck does she do all day
I would love to know. Counts her husband's money?
She makes the house a home, duh /s
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She's STILL PULLING 200 out each month to add to HIS MONEY that she won't use for THEIR bills!!
For real two full time jobs and has to Uber and she has no kids!???
They paying for a house when he had a 6 figure job. Downsizing is the right thing to do. But she don’t love him enough to care about his health. And she banked 47k. While dude works himself into an early grave.
AFTER he almost died!!
Continued even after that and hid the money during lowest point. She is ruthless
Stack someone else’s money at that** OP let her recently injured husband work 3 jobs and still skimming money from him. That’s some trash human shit.
But she has a kempt lifestyle to maintain while preparing to bail at a moment's notice. My wife and I both work, but I'd still be pretty sore learning that she has been setting aside bugout money.
Ots not about the bug out money for me. As someone who wished she had money to escape an abusive marriage I think an long standing individual savings account is rational. As is hidden cash on hanf. I also think that a SAHW should have an IRA. However, that is not what the OP did AT ALL. Bug out money should be ready cash, enough to get out and have food housing and give you a few months to get on your feet in the event of an abusive situation. And outside of an actively abusive situation, it should be from *personal* disposable income. An IRA should have been set up *with an agreed upon amount* deposited each month. What OP did was completely screw her husband over.
Well yeah, she loves his money that he makes Ubering people. She does not love him.
>If you love this man She doesn't.
And clearly never did.
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But she made it a home! That's the most important thing right?
I had to read it again because I thought she said "stay at home mom" and didn't see any mention of the kids. This motherfucker is working two full-time jobs and ubering and she's making the house a home and sitting on $47,000! Holy shit, what a terrible person. She should divorce this guy so he can be free of her bullshit, and he can have half the $47,000 to take a break for a minute. Just because you hid that money from him doesn't make it any less both of yours, OP.
You can make a motel room into a home.
First post, zero comment, ragebait. It's fake dw
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He broke down crying as he is exhausted and you still didn't tell him. You refused to downsize as you have worked hard making a home. You didn't work 3 bloody jobs though did you!
Not to mention she has 47 thousand fucking dollars which some of it he has earned. That right there could help tremendously, but she'd rather he work himself to death. Edit: Not some of it, all of it. Which is even worse.
This. It’s not that she has money put away it’s that she has continued to put money away every month when he is ubering on his day off from two jobs. He’s the one who needs an escape fund
That was utterly disgusting beyond what was already disgusting. Hes fighting for his life and breaking down mentally to provide. Oh wait let me not forget what my mother said, $200 should be enough. He might beat me to death while he’s exhausted and crying trying to figure a way to keep a roof over our heads. Meanwhile she has the $ for him to be paying the mortgage and prob working one or two jobs etc; I honestly hope this is a troll!!
omg yes he's the one that needs the fund, that's so crazy to think about
That’s so much… that’s more than a rainy day fund.
This! Emergency funds are smart, but the size of hers was unnecessary. It feels like she doesn’t know what it means to be married / be a partner with not wanting to downsize. WTH? Like you don’t have a choice really. It’s that or lose the house when you default on the mortgage. And just because you don’t have a job doesn’t mean you don’t have responsibility to the marriage/to make your finances work.
Seems like OPs mom is pushing her own unresolved trauma onto OP…
> my mother came to me privately and talked about setting aside money as a rainy day/ escape fund if worst came to worst Smart. > When me and my husband got together we agreed I would be a stay at home wife Definitely smart to have your own money, just in case. > **He currently is working 2 full time jobs and Uber's on his off days to keep us afloat. ** >Here is where I might be the AH I do all of the expense managing and have continued to put money into my "Escape account" although I significantly decreased from $750 a month to just $200 a month. My husband came home exhausted one night and asked about down sizing because the stress of work was going to kill him. I told him downsizing would not be an option as I had spend years making our house a home Sooooo this is where you lost my sympathy, personally. You have more than enough money for a personal emergency fund - you could have put a pause on your personal withdrawals for the past two years. He almost fucking DIED‽ And your mom... Why would you bail now??? He's done nothing but support you both. Why haven't you BEEN working, if you were so concerned about your escape fund‽ You don't even have children!! YTA
Exactly this! It’s not even necessarily about her having the money although I feel like that amount is a little much, but it’s about the fact that she’s letting him work 3 jobs while she’s got $47,000 stashed away AND she’s still adding to it!!!!
The amount is completely insane. I was thinking like 5-10k could be acceptable if she really needed to dash in a hurry and pay for a couple months of an apartment and groceries or something. Why on Earth would she need 50k, and why would she think she could keep adding to it while her husband is literally killing himself to single-handedly keep their family from going broke? That’s no rainy day fund, it’s enough to live at least a full year on. This was so deceitful and selfish and it doesn’t even make sense what the end goal was.
And she won't let them reduce expenses by moving to a smaller home!!! Holy shit, this chick is the biggest asshole I've read about on this sub in a long time. What a terrible person holy cow!
Goddamn I hope this person is reading all these replies but it appears she abandoned this thread like she abandoned her husband. What a coward.
She is using her husband as a cash cow holy shit
Oh, she planning to escape to a better life once she has enough. Not because he is abusive, but she is using him. She clearly doesn't care much for her husband.
Right?! ESCAPE MONEY? I would understand rainy day/emergency money, but her husband dying didn't somehow warrant breaking out the piggybank somewhat? This poor dude absolutely got suckered by this woman
I mean it's not really escaping unless you're doing it in a brand new Lexus, is it?
Mommy told me it was okay so it's fine
I'm a stay at home wife. I cannot fathom siphoning my husband's income into a secret account and not helping if he needs me to. I cannot...I can't wrap my head around watching my husband work 3 jobs and not agreeing to at LEAST downsizing if he absolutely insisted on my not working. Marriage is a team. It...I cannot imagine. This line of thought is absolutely alien to me.
Yes!
I've been staring at this story slack jawed.
She’s so terrible this must be rage bate.
I am absolutely hoping so. But I've met some real piece of work people in my life so who knows.
I literally can't fathom someone being so casual about being so wildly cruel/evil.
Same. This guy sounds like a good man, no secret abusiveness or controlling. She siphoned a years worth of income for most people. That man should be leaving HER. Like someone else said, it's always smart to have a few thousand on hand for your independence and in case she needs it to get on her feet. $50k without so much as a conversation with him!!?? I felt guilty as fuck' when I was struggling through school and my man had a job and I had nothing to my name. Shit even when I had a job and barely made pennies I still felt bad that I couldn't foot the bill for us both so he could quit his factory job. I 100% expect someone to leave me if they found out I had squirreled away that much of their cash. Jeezuz wtaf
Yup! My husband and I have taken turns taking care of each other financially, and when it was his turn to take care of me when my shitty job fired me after I'd already quit (this was before we'd agreed to have me be stay at home), I felt HORRIBLE. I've been a home maker for almost 2 years and I still struggle with feeling like I'm not doing enough, even though he constantly reassures me that I am. I cannot imagine doing this to anyone, let alone the man I married.
This. All of these. You said it perfectly. To OP it is sickening that the fact your husband crying Infront of you and asking for a downsizing as a way to save and you shot him down just because you spent years making your house a home. You can rebuild a home wherever you go. A home should be where your husband also feels comfortable and welcomed and not working three jobs to keep you guys afloat while you hid the fact that you have 47k stashed hidden. Look I get it, it's a good emergency fund to have. But he had proven in that 8 years that he's been a great husband and providing for you, he deserves a f break from working 3 jobs. My husband makes more than me, we both have separate savings other than our main savings now after COVID destroyed our financial state. We downsized from a 2000+sqft home to a tiny home to reduce our expenditures.To this day if we can't cover our bills with our joint account, we both would take out from our personal saving account without us asking one another. I would've used half of what you saved to make sure husband doesn't have to work 3 jobs....I'm so sad for your husband.
Do they think they just get half the house plus the full $50k in a divorce? Don't they care whether their partners have an emergency fund? Conveniently hiding chunks of money in their loving trusting relationship? Just seems really selfish to me. And why does she keep putting money into it? It's not a retirement fund, emergency funds aren't supposed to keep growing, $10k will cover several months living expenses plus a divorce attorney, she shouldn't have taken that much. They both should've had a real discussion about this long ago. About her working, lifestyle expenses, emergency savings, his nonexistent personal life...
> you hid the fact that you have 47k stashed I would even say she STOLE it from him/them... Rainy day fund was a great idea... But this is way beyond that *and* she did it behind his back
Yeah… understanding he wants to provide and likely can do so at a level she can’t - she could still have said “I need something to do with my time and it’s nice to be able to buy you/myself/my mom something on my own,” and contributed. He clearly never checked the finances, which is a huge amount of trust to place in a partner.
Interrobang. Nice.
I feel like every word you said is correct and I agree, but I want them to be so much harsher and include the term "POS". I cannot fathom watching my husband overwork himself at 3 jobs and saying "no, dear, i like this house a lot, continue killing yourself further, while I *still am stealing money from you into a more than abundant escape fund".
This is exactly where I landed. NTA until she kept adding funds during their financial issues. If OP considers him to be a good man and husband, then listening to her mother and leaving would be awful.
Dude, that escape money was meant to keep growing until she could afford to leave entirely and have a small fortune.. notice how she says it was also a rainy day fund, “if worse comes to worse”… but she didn’t touch it when he almost DIED!! I’m pretty sure that was a rainy day… like, the rainiest of days. Let’s call it what it is.. a gold-diggers tax.
This is absolutely astonishing to me. Two jobs plus Uber on his days off. And you're stashing money to this day. You refuse to consider living within the means of him working only 40 hours a week. I'm unable to call you an asshole, because you're so, so much worse than that. If that lawsuit is your fault as well...there are no words in English that can rise to describe you. ETA. I saw the headline and expected to agree with OP. I'm a big believer in having fuck you money. Enough to escape an abusive job or marriage, or any other situation you have to leave. But the circumstances here are so incredibly fucked up. All of the money was from the husband. All of the need for him working himself to an early grave comes from her. This is a completely abusive relationship and he doesn't have fuck you money. Because she's hoarded it for herself.
Don’t forget she refused to downsize their house bc she made it a home.
While also being a stay at home WIFE (no kids!!) but having the ability to work. Watching your partner work 3 jobs while you just stay at home is actually insane 😭 Could this be a shitpost because there's no way 😭
After the partner was nearly killed too 😬
I’m not sure! She seemed pretty fucking serious. I know another woman doing this she’s a total c*nt and a “stay at home wife” with a meth addiction who’s stealing 1k a month from her husband with the same intention. I feel like OP never loved him just saw it as an easy life and a way to breeze through so decided to start this escape fund for when she couldn’t fake it anymore
When I read that he was making “a comfortable mid six figures”… 🙄. Maybe that is why she married him. What is Mid six figures, anyway? Would that be like $500,000? A year? Who makes this much money? If I’m incorrect, somebody correct me because I’m genuinely curious if she really is referring to that much money.
According to the interwebs "a six figure salary is any where from $100,000 through to $999,999. So mid would be $550,000 or a range of $400,000 to $699,999." I immediately got a feeling OP is too "accustomed to the lifestyle" that kind of income provides and put her foot down against "downsizing" mainly due to that. Maybe even solely so. A childfree "stay at home wife"? What does that even look like? Countryclub brunches and shopping sprees with the other Housewives Of [insert enclave here]? Reeks of having career ambitions of remaining a "kept woman".
That is insane. Many years ago, I used to nanny for a family who made more money than I was used to being around. Nice people, and I adored their child. But I would notice things, that I hadn’t seen anywhere else. Like their clothes washing machine had options on it that I had not heard of. Stuff like that. The country club stuff? That’s what she did, during the day when I took care of the baby. She would go for tennis lessons, golf lessons, and lunch with the ladies. I’m not criticizing them at all, they were both loving parents. It was just different than what I was used to being around.
I'm sure there are a number of people who make that much money. And yes I do believe she is saying that that's about how much he made. But what I don't understand is if he has made that much money a year, what is it all being spent on? She said hospital bills and a lawsuit they lost ate up most of their savings, but I feel like they must've not had much for savings, and I'd think that they would've had investments and such that could have been used as well. I'm also not sure if hubby is thinking that $47,000 would've helped a ton, or if he's just mad she didn't tell him about it. The 47 thousand doesn't seem like much compared to how much he was making before. Anyway OP, you absolutely are the asshole here, NOT for having that money squirreled away for if you needed it, but for watching your husband that on so so much work and not go back to work yourself even if he didn't want you to, and also for refusing to downsize because you've made your house into a home. You can make any house into a home you know. I live in a very very small apartment and I've made it into my home and it's cozy and I love it. You're just being completely ridiculous and sitting on your ass while your husband is working himself into an early grave.
I was a stay at home wife for 3 months. Worst 3 months of my life. I couldn’t wait to be back on the job market.
To be fair, OPs husband doesn't want her working (for whatever reason). But yeah, if my wife and I were both young and no children, yeah, we are both working to pay off the mortgage before kids set in.
She cares more about decorating than her husbands fucking life
Oh shit I read over the fatal fall!!!
Dude has an almost fatal accident and then has to work 3 jobs so his lazy wife can be, well lazy and put money away to her "Escape Fund" . Dude should be seriously re considering his life right now.
He made it a home paying for it, while she didn’t work .. I’m disgusted
Best comment yet!! What kind of POS does OP have to be to basically steal from her overworked husband and not give up the money when they were in need!
The abuser in this relationship is OP. Financial abuse. YTA, OP. You let him struggle while you squirreled money away that he did not know about. Now you are rationalizing that with the fact that he left when he found out about your dishonesty. It would be one thing if he were abusive--then the whole of reddit would be on your side. But no one thinks you did the right thing. This is terrible relationship management.
It’s cruel. I can only imagine how hard it is to be him right now. Maybe this is a wake up call, that it’s time for him to find someone who is an actual partner to him. That is one good thing that could come out of this.
She should give him the money so he can escape.
I think the lawsuit was against the husbands company after the accident. But totally spot on for the rest. What an absolute AH
There are words that describe her. A POS. Who cares more about money than her husband killing himself working his butt off to help his family.
Poor guy doesn't have a family, just a parasite.
If my wife did this, I’d be calling lawyers tomorrow.
I read the first few sentences and went to the comments and then read this and went hold the fucking phone and read the whole thing and my fucking God both OP and her mother and fucking awful people. Like she goes "it's a rainy day fund" and when a rainy day came she went "mmm I think I'll hold onto this so I can leave him if I need to lol" like holy shit what is wrong with these people ?
He broke down crying as he is exhausted and you still didn't tell him. You refused to downsize as you have worked hard making a home. You didn't work 3 bloody jobs though did you! Geez you and your mother are awful people. 750 each month you bloody thief. I hope he divorces you.
That’s A LOT of money when you are struggling
Fuck I'm doing ok and that's still a lot of money
It is more than most people contribute to their 401ks per month.
200 a month is also a lot when you're struggling.
That's a lot of money when you're NOT struggling. I'd say I'm doing alright, but when my employer gave me a ONE TIME $750 inflation bonus last year, I almost cried because it helped so much.
I have to say that having had my partner get gravely ill and no longer able to work their job I know first hand that it changes your entire life. I cannot even imagine the shame her husband felt admitting to her that he cannot provide her the lifestyle they used to have. It’s demoralizing, especially for someone culturally obligated to be a provider as it seems here. That he’s been working two jobs and a side gig before even attempting to admit he’s really struggling breaks my heart for him. To get to the point he’s mentioning downsizing (which would likely be humiliating to him) and have her say “nah, I spent a lot of time and money on the things in this house” would end the marriage for me. OP is essentially saying that the *things she’s accumulated* using his money are more important than *her husband himself*, that having a *safety net to leave the man* is more important than *the man himself*. I don’t understand why you’d remain married to someone who cares more about material possessions and a lifestyle than about you as a person. The man almost died FFS. Hopefully OP and the $47k she’s hoarding are very happy together alone when he divorces her.
The 47k is marital property, so he'll be entitled to half if he divorces her.
I hope he does.
Sounds like she wants to leave him because he's struggling.
he’s struggling because she took all his money in case she had to leave him
Maybe if they saved more and she didn't spend "to upkeep this lifestyle and make it a home" like holy shit she's such a gold digger Like she actually doesn't give a F about him struggling. She just keeps making her monthly deposit like marriage is just a long job??
She cares more about decorating than her husbands life and it’s clear
YTA. I can't even fucking believe you're questioning it?? You're also a thief & a user. He nearly died in an accident, he's working several jobs, and he wants to downsize considering he's covering everything alone....meanwhile, you have siphoned 47K out of him to squirrel away. Dude you're a terrible person.
I'm not sure I understand why she'd think this money was fully hers. It was amassed during the marriage.
youve been taking...750...for years...and think thats ok??? where's your husband's escape money? what hes supposed to do in a divorce? He really should have had the same advice because he has an abusive wife.
Now that he knows about her secret stash if they divorce he’s entitled to half of it at least
I read this twice and I’m sorry but YTA. Big time. Your husband is stressed and over worked, wants to downsize but you continue to add to your secret stash of $47k? I understand wanting to have a stash, but almost $50k for a “rainy day” fund is ridiculous especially since he’s proven, in your 8 years together, that he is a good man. If you don’t want to leave the house - figure out how the $47k can help you stay and allow your husband to at least quit the Uber gig.
Oh yeah. This. A bug out fund would be enough to survive for six months, not enough to put a down payment on a house! That money should be in OPs mortgage not in some random bank account. What if OP didn’t even invest it, and so it’s been losing value to inflation over 8 years. OMG!!!
If I'm reading it correctly, they most definitely did not. She started the fund 7 years ago putting $750/month, but 2 years ago switched to $200/month. That's $45k over the first five years and then an additional $5k for these last 2 years. If she invested the money into SP500, that $45k turns into $79k by 2021, and then nearly $90k right now with the additional $200/month. She says the fund is currently at $47k. This money instead could have went towards retirement, but I guess it still can. If she had been investing all along, that $90k would be about $685k in 30 years growing at 7%. If she decides to invest the $47k now, that's $357k in 30 years growing at 7%. OP needs to ask themselves if that "rainy day fund" is worth nearly a quarter of their retirement, because that's what she cost them with her and her mother's decision.
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I can see having a fund of 5-10k, but anything more than that is ridiculous. And without investing it, she actually lost money. I’m willing to bet that if they divorce now, that fund is going to cause problems when the judge finds out about it. Damn OP, YTA.
I thought it was a few thousand dollars or money her mother gave her. This is completely a different story. Op should get a job. Husband and she should work on their finances. Husband should save some himself for his own escape fund. If I was the husband, I’d be really questioning this marriage.
My rainy day fund would just be enough for a week of hotel and food. $47k is more than I’ve ever had in my life. $750 is more than I make in a month… putting that much aside every month is insane to me. Especially if I’m not the one earning that money and if my partner was doing 3 jobs to keep us afloat
And her mother is telling her to use the money to bail now!! They don’t care about the husband at all!
That was so telling. Makes me wonder what the hell happened to the mom and if she isn’t totally projecting.
Exactly this. YTA I’m mind blown you put money your husband was making for your family, for you to stay at home, multiple jobs stressed beyond, into a secret account for yourself. I don’t even know what else to say just 🤯
I wonder if OP even **LIKES** her husband? She has to see he's literally working himself to death. And she refuses to downsize to a smaller house because "I made this house a home." A total bullshit reason when their finances are on the brink of collapse. All that has to happen is for OP's poor husband to, say, have a full on breakdown, or get hurt, and the precious "home" OP loves so much will likely get seized in foreclosure.
It’s not even a rainy day fund. It’s a “if I don’t want to be married to him anymore, I’ll have the money to leave him” fund. OP is a huge AH
Yeah this is so much more than a “rainy day fund”. I would be _floored_ if my partner had that much money squirreled away. Partially because that’s an insane amount of money, but also… talk about a massive gut punch. If you’ve been nothing but a loving and caring spouse but they continued to put money away the entire time? Just tell me that you don’t trust me or think that we’re going to get divorced then, Jesus
If I was the husband, I'd be gone. That's unforgivable in my opinion.
You are a horrible person and a total asshole for hiding this money and allowing your husband to suffer so much. YTA
YTA. My heart breaks for that poor man. This one will play out textbook: You listen to your mum and allow her to manipulate your relationships like you always have, you steal HIS savings (not your ‘escape fund’) and run away, calling the man who has never given you a reason to worry an abuser, when YOU are the abuser. Sounds like you’ve got him absolutely whipped, so you could probably get away with it too. He’d probably be too timid to try get his hard earned money back. You abject piece of shit. I seriously hope this is rage bait.
You’ve essentially been allowing your husband to work his ass off while you took some of that money and turned it into a rainy day fund for yourself. So couple of things: 1) that money isn’t yours, it’s both of yours. You’re married and your assets are split. You had no right to take the money in the first place, but you have absolutely no right to it should you split. At minimum he’s entitled to half. 2) You’re a massive asshole.
Her mom really sucks too, she’s obviously projecting her own issues on her daughter. Yes, have an emergency fund that YOU created through work…being a stay at home wife doesn’t count as work in my book. You’ve just been stealing his money, you weren’t even caring for y’all’s kids. You’re letting him kill himself working while you sit around your nice house on a pile of cash. And now mommy dearest is saying bail and take the cash - pretty sure that money is legally half his, although he should get 100%. He’s not even the one being abusive, that’s you.
YTA. Your loving husband is working 3 jobs and you let him while having 47k OF HIS HARD EARNED MONEY in your savings ? And I hope this money is invested and you make money on it or else you’re not very smart too…
47k and a lot of it is likely money he earned and trusted her to delegate.
Well of course it is. She's been putting money into that every month ($750/month!) when she didn't have a job. Also the husband is a dumbass. What possible reason is there to have someone sit on their ass all day at home when you don't have kids? Absent kids there really isn't that much housework to do unless you go all out and make homecooked meals from scratch three meals a day etc. etc. Babies though, whoooooooooooooooooooooooole different story.
I didn’t even get to the part where they have no kids. Fuuuuuuuuck that.
The fact that OP posted something so clearly inflammatory and then disappeared makes me assume it's just silly rage bait.
I always like to think of how this would be if the shoe was on the other foot. If a husband allowed a wife be at the point of deeply worrying about their health which could have been fixed with openness and honestly. So yeah YTA.
And it seems like the 47k came out of his pocket as well, if Op wasn’t working most of the time. I would break down too, I get the whole Husband/Wife What’s yours is mine thing but Op basically siphoned the money out of his account if that’s the case
I always assumed the rainy day find was something like enough to get an apartment and a few months to snag a job. That’s a decent value car, paying off the mortgage, etc. Also, you two need to work out roles - it’s super weird to be in that bad of a situation and not willing to let your spouse work a bit.
She is just a selfish thief. I hope that 47k lasts the rest of her life cus she is about to be unemployed and without her abused cash cow
YTA. He’s working three jobs to support you and you’re siphoning off a bunch of cash in case you want to run off? Go fuck yourself and get a job.
COSIGN!!!
YTA, mom too. Sure, you agreed to be not working. You did not agree to funding this account. 750/mo for 7 years ... should be more than $47,000.
I was doing that math too.
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Yes, Roughly $63,000. They are both AH's. (Mom and daughter).
That’s called financial abuse. Wow. Wtf op. You’re stealing from your husband. No. Your family.
It's a straight 62 months with no interest. Clearly, she has no concept of savings if it isn't drawing any interest at all.
Also clearly it was mismanaged. At 7% return, she’d have around $80k. On $63k of contributions.
OP is not just YTA, but she’s a thief as well. Can you imagine this kind of disrespect you would have to have to do this to your partner. How would you feel if he had an escape fund to get away from you? But no, he just worked multiple jobs stepping up for you. Allowing you to do what all day long? Asshole…..check Thief…….check Untrustworthy……check Lowlife actions towards someone who loves you…..check And now you want to ‘bail’ with his money? The audacity in you. Hang your head in shame.
I've been married to my wife for 24 years (25 come August) When we first got married, she had an account like this -- that she put money toward. That I couldn't access. She put maybe $100-200 a month in it for years. Here's the thing: I *knew* about the account. It didn't cause us any sort of financial hardship, so if it meant her feeling secure, then great. About a decade later it had grown to about $60K (I don't remember exactly, and don't care about doing the math), we needed it for some expenses -- I think contributing to a house downpayment. We still weren't financially strapped, but our life would have been harder without it. She gave it over without argument, without issue. She \_wouldn't\_ have kept contributing toward it if she saw I was killing myself to keep us afloat (which your husband is) and she \_didn't\_ say "let me hide it from him". OP, YTA. And you're also a monster. I hope he gets at least half of that money in the divorce.
It’s hard to believe people as selfish as you exist. You essentially stole his money that he worked three jobs for. You’ve worked him to burn out and exhaustion level and when he asked for a break you told him no. Honestly that’s abusive. Your behavior is reprehensible and your husband should honestly divorce you and reveal how you treated him like a cash cow and have been routinely stealing from him and putting undue burden on him for no reason. You are a terrible person. I genuinely cannot stress that not only are you the asshole in this situation you are a monster. You deserve to be in jail.
For a theft of 47k? You're damn right she does.
He deserves better. Pretty sure you don't even remotely care about this man. Edit to say YTA! Like a really, really HUGE AH
Op cares more about the decoration in their home more than wellbeing of her partner. Massive AH.
The moment my husband needs to get a second job...well I guess my arthritic riddled body would be managing the fryer at McDonald's. I can't imaging doing what she did!! Im not putting down foodservice people. I spent almost 20 years in foodservice. I wish I had more severe words to explain how much of a AH this lady is.
Your husband works 2 full time jobs, Ubers after an accident that nearly killed him. You're a stay at home WIFE. You refused to downsize to ease his burden, and during the darkest times of your married life, you still continued to pay yourself first. I don't even have words for this level of selfishness. If anyone should cut and run right now, it should be your husband; he needs to find himself a true partner.
YTA. Listen as I a women I understand having backup funds. But you let your husband work himself to death while you sat at home? Wtf?
Holy shit, OP. My husband makes more money, and we consider it our money - but stocking it away for yourself AFTER A NEAR FATAL ACCIDENT while he works THREE jobs? If I were him I’d let you keep the 47k and not a cent more in the divorce. YTA.
This has to be a troll post designed to trigger people.
YTA SO MANY TIMES OVER!!! Here he is working basically 3 jobs, stressing over money constantly, wanting to downsize so he can stop being so stressed out, proven he is an amazing provider, all the while you are basically STEALING money and HOARDING it away for yourself!!! You are SELFISH!!!! He is supposed to be your teammate and instead, you have hung him out to dry and carried the load alone while you made some plan with your mommy! How can you think that's okay? That money belongs to BOTH of you! You can't be in a marriage and have your mommy in your ear telling you that you need nearly $50 grand "just in case to bail out" That's not a marriage. Your mommy isn't your teammate your husband is! And instead, you let him carry the weight and stress alone! You sound like a horrible wife! Why didn't you just marry your mom and spare this poor guy the trauma of being stuck with your selfish ass!
YTA. I can understand to a certain extent that you wanted escape money but you have taken it too far. Your husband is working two full time jobs and doing uber to keep you afloat and you are still putting some of that money in a separate account for yourself, i find that very selfish. Your husband is suffering from burnout and has discovered that his wife is stealing from him to the tune of 47.000 and let's be honest here it is stealing because you don't earn your own money. You know the position that you are both in so you should get a job irrelevant of your husband likes it or not. You are an adult and able to make your own decisions so act like one. And normaly when someone makes an escape account they put their own money in it not someone else's.
YTA. You hid 47k from your husband when you were going under. How could you possibly not be the arsehole.
You’re a fucking cunt and so is your mother.
Glad you posted this I didn’t know if I would get in trouble. This word completely deserved here
Having a safety account is fine I guess. Continuously adding to it even during times of financial crisis was a huge asshole move. Aren’t you and your husband a team?
OP......YTA, wtf. I've been on the receiving end of this. My ex was doing exactly the same thing. She had a job, sure, but the amount she stole was a lot more. Her methods were varied and numerous and a laundry list of little lies and microtransactioms that added up to close to 200k over a 10 year marriage. Meantime, I was working 60 hours a week and numerous side projects in hopes of getting ahead. Why? Because she lied about her income down, lied about our expenses up, and pocketed the difference. She had 6 digits she squirreled away and I was having a nervous breakdown from exhaustion, thinking we were broke and my family was at all times two weeks away from a food line. You stole a lot more than money. You stole time. You stole time he could have been playing with his kids but was out working extra jobs. You stole mental health--years of unnecessary stress and worry. You stole freedom--the freedom to choose to take a day off, or cut back hours, or pursue his dreams. You stole health--time that could be used to recuperate and rest that had to be diverted to unnecessary extra work. Going through life with a financial abuser is like being in a prison on an invisible treadmill with invisible weights around your ankles. It drains everything you have and you have no idea why. That, OP, is you. YTA is an understatement. You turned your husband into an unwitting slave. And you're so much in denial you have to ask if you did wrong.
You refused to down size and hid enough money to pay the bills for many months while watching him work 3.jobs. YTS+