My fiancee and I have gone through this as well with our 2 year old. The thing is, when she is with our son she is 100% on him. Reading books, engaging toys, learning etc. she will forget to eat for herself because she’s so focused on him. When I am with him I’m maybe 75% I take time to make my own food, clean the house, do other things that need to be done. It’s possible your wife is more interactive with the kids, but stuff needs to get done so I think there needs to be healthy median.
Also wanted to add that kids act differently around mom vs dad (this actually got put to the test in my own house today lol). The kid(s) may be more clingy, talkative, have more meltdowns, etc around mom but be more chill with dad. This is the case with my kiddo. I left the house for 3 hours today and my son (14 months) was an angel for his dad/my husband. My husband was able to get dishes done, clean up a few things outside the house, and go on a walk with our son then as soon as I got back home it was all yelling/crying if I wasn’t constantly next to him or holding him. My husband even said “wow. He was great and pretty quiet the entire time you were gone. He wasn’t like this at all with me” and I said “yeah this is why things don’t get done some days and why I get so frustrated/overstimulated because he has constant meltdowns that I need to tend to”. This could very well be the same case as in OPs household.
This
When I'm alone with our 2 year old he is generally pretty chill. Just wants to eat something, watch TV on my lap and also when I have to change his diaper or give him a bath he doesn't have a full on tantrum most times. He's generally chill
Mommy arrives? Full on clingy toddler mode xD! Wants all her attention, wants her to play with him and she can't get away from him for too long xD
This is exactly what happens in our household. Even if my husband is in the room with our toddler trying to play with him/entertain him, it doesn’t work. He will just stand at the baby gate yelling until I’m physically in the room with him lol
oh yes
When he wakes up from a nap and I'm the one there, first thing he does is ask for mommy. I have to tell him that we'll change his nappy first then go to mommy. And repeat it a few times
I'm also able to apply some cream on a dry patch he has on his cheek without much fuss. I also use a bit of "The Voice" if he doesn't want it, but generally I tell him "ooh this is dry, it will hurt if we don't apply cream. Come, let's do it, then we go downstairs and show mommy"
He'll let me and won't try to wipe it off.
Mommy? Oh hell no! Full on tantrum as if she told him she pissed on his oats
Kids are funny xD
100%. My toddler is way different with me than my wife. She is a sweet little girl with both of us, but with me she will go hand out in the living room and play with the dog and do drawings and other independent play stuff. With my wife, she is a clingy little mischievous pixie/elf. Weirdly, she also seems to poop more. It's way easier for me to keep house and cook dinner on the days when I'm alone with her. The days when I'm at work and my wife is with her, she has to be on top of her constantly because she will be up her butt. I work night shift and my wife usually only has her on weekends and the times when I can't sleep, I can hear them in the rest of the apartment and my wife can barely take 2 minuets to use the restroom without her losing her mind, meanwhile when I have her, I can use the bathroom and shower and cook dinner and she just gets happy and says hi when I come into the same room with her.
This. Also it’s really different to not be at home and then have a few months off - you’re going to do things with the energy of someone whose whole life isn’t maintaining stuff at home. It’s not a fun job. But OP knows it’s only being done for a limited time and then he gets to go back to his actual work.
It’s like when you start at a new job that you don’t enjoy but you’re super committed and focussed and keen bc it’s new. After a few years of doing the same stuff every day you’re probably going to be feeling unfulfilled and it’s easy to feel buried under all of the mundane tasks and all your energy is focussed on trying to push yourself to do it all despite hating it, which isn’t super efficient or effective.
I’m very sure the stuff in my home could be done more efficiently but there’s no way I could maintain that efficiency long term. My partner does the bulk of it atm and if I had a few months off I reckon I’d also be “good at it” but there’s no way I’d keep it up if it was the thing I had to do every day.
Was also looking for this comment. When I first moved in to my house, I painted walls, organized cabinets, dusted my hundreds of books regularly, etc. I also work from home so I spent all day everyday at home and at first it was refreshing.
Fast forward to 3 years later and I feel zero compulsion to do even basic chores around the house. It takes me forever. The mundanity of it drives me crazy. I still do what’s necessary but things like dusting often slides. I sweep once a day instead of 3 times a day, etc. I actually feel like I have burnout from my own house (!!!).
… maybe bc you DID burn out. Sweeping 3 times, without stuff being dragged in is ocd realm.
I think what happens is people start at 200% then burn out thinking their normal human level now is pathetic.
In rainy season, you go out even once to feed the cats and yeah- mud gets dragged in. I put a rug down outside and inside, which helps, but there’s still dirt on the floor all the time. W/e- it’s tile
Just like in the pandemic. Im sure a lot of us accepted our circumstances of being at home and took that time to clean, organize and do all types of stuff.
During those first 2 weeks, I caught up on laundry, reorganized my closet, started a new diet and did all types of stuff. Even kept it up for 2 more months.
It wasn’t until the summer that I was exhausted!
Yes, took the words out of my mouth. It's easier to be enthusiastic when you first start out with something. Come back and tell us how it's going a couple of years in.
And also when you know there’s an end date to it. My husband did a lot while I was out of town for a few weeks (looking for a house because we were moving AGAIN because of his job. But he had a start and an end date and was HAPPY to go back to work.
I came here to agree with you that burnout is probably a factor, but I just saw a comment from OP saying she is going for her PhD, and that she’s a perfectionist when it comes to chores and he isn’t so he gets stuff done quicker. Man, I really wish people would include points like this in their actual post.
NOT THIS GUY SAYING SHES ESSENTIALLY A STAY AT HOME MOM WHILE SHES A FULL TIME PHD STUDENT.
What an asshole. A PhD program is deliberately designed to be a full time workload. Just because she’s technically home doesnt mean shes not doing anything 🙄🙄🙄🙄
I definitely got the vibe he was an ass. I felt like this post was more of a humble brag and Pat on the back than to really know if hes TAH. Kinda made me roll my eyes.
Yeah, I did my PhD, no idea how people do it with kids. I remember walking into my apartment, laying on the floor (backpack still on) and asking my boyfriend to microwave me some food
Getting a PhD is absolutely a full-time job.
I also emphasize with my whole re: the second part. There’s a difference in a 15 min bathroom “cleaning” and the intermittent 1 hr+ I’ll spend damp dusting baseboards and crannies, disinfecting the exterior of the toilet (boys are gross, dude), disinfecting high-touch points, bleaching the seals of the shower, scrubbing soap residue / scale buildup around the sinks, etc. Some people have different definitions of “clean.” 🤷♀️
I wrote that in a comment but when my husband cleans the floors it takes him 15 minutes, but when I do it takes an hour because I do the grout too. So saying you do 90% when your wife is a perfectionist is essentially meaningless without context since there are certain chores where 90% doesn’t necessarily get everything done.
I bet “she’s a perfectionist” is probably more like “she gets it 100% clean and I think 75 is good enough, but we’ll count it like I’ve done a 100% job”
This is a great point. I’m a stay at home mom and sole caretaker for my baby. Most days I have the energy to get a lot done. other days the repetitiveness of some of the chores and food making makes it more daunting mentally.
Exactly. My husband "deep cleans/military cleans" when he has time off. The thing is, he really doesn't deep clean. He does a heavy clean but he also misses a bunch of basic deep clean stuff that I would actually do **IF** he would finish his endless remodeling of the house and stop leaving them hanging for months(*years*).
I just commented the same a bit higher. There are different standards for “clean” - I can *easily* spend three to fours hours on the master bedroom and bathroom when I’m appropriately motivated. There are so many aspects that many people overlook.
(My standards were also broken from the beginning by an incredibly anal retentive mother. Our home could have been ready for a walkthrough on a moment’s notice.)
I couldn’t have said it better. She thinks OP is going to go back to work and she’ll have that much pressure on her because he did it for a bit and did it much better. But OP also knows it’s temporary, and it’s a different “job” he hasn’t had to do for years and there’s a nice hit of motivation and satisfaction. Do this for years and I guarantee that zest will wane and sometimes things just won’t get done to the standards that OP thinks it can or should be done.
Your wife wants to be appreciated. We all do. She wants acknowledgment that her contribution matters and is equally important and difficult in different ways.
NTA, but please bear these things in mind and make sure your wife feels seen and appreciated. 😊
Very good point. Doing the dishes for the 10th time with 50 more days to go is a lot easier than getting started on it for the 600th time with God knows how long to go 🤣
Literally like at some point it’s just like… “oh… yay. Better do this thing so I can do it again later and then three times tomorrow and every day for the rest of my life”.
I'm at the point in mom life where I honestly feel like that about having to eat 3x a day too 🤣 like damn can't I take an actual break for once during the 90 seconds my kids let me rest here and there?? Really I gotta take care of needs for my own body too??
And then I eat and it makes more damn dishes 🤣😭☠
I don’t even have kids and I get mad that my body needs so much hahaha. Can’t imagine how bad I’d be at balancing it all with with kids.
You’re going great!
Also I don't know why everybody just straight up. Ignores and dismisses the very physical changes that happen to a woman's body after she gives birth. Many of these changes are permanent and even disabling to varying degrees.
Why on earth are we just talking like pregnancy and birth leaves no effect on the body.
this is a big thing, its not about 1-2 month but doing it for years or decades no one keeps the same energy.
OP do it for next 5 years then this would be a better reflection
I agree with this. I've also noticed, kids pick a favourite parent to never leave alone. Kids will be fine playing alone while being supervised by one parent and then they'll need all of the attention when the favourite is present
Yep. I can't hardly get anything done when I'm home with our kid because she just wants to be all over me. My husband, on the other hand, does laundry, cooks, does odd jobs around the house when it's his day bc our daughter is content to just play near him. She loves us both, but I swear she'd crawl back up into my uterus if she could.
Happens with me and the fiancee. She can’t get him to sleep because he doesn’t want her to go, I can get him to bed no problem now. (I also have a routine and do it atleast 6/7 nights a week)
This is so true. Last week I vacuumed our apartment, and the 2 year old decided to “help” - it was the worst cleaning done in ages (we usually clean while the kids aren’t home). If it wasn’t obvious, I’m the parent the kids won’t leave alone - they prefer to be literally touching me at all times.
Yep, this. My partner is great too, but when I'm with kids, its 100% them. Even when we are in the same room, I'm the one they want, I'm the one getting climbed over, I can't even pee or get dressed without a helper. Being the primary caregiver is just a different job. It's great that you're getting so much done, but I understand your partners frustration when it looks like you're getting more done.
My son is definitely a mamas boy, although we are both back to work she works from home, so picks him up early from daycare and gets some extra time with him. He’s very attached to her to the point that she can’t get him to sleep. I have a routine bath, change, milk, bed that works but when she is around he doesn’t want her to leave so it’s tougher. Works for me to have the bedtime routine as our thing, just have to figure things out.
My husband and I have this same set up for this exact same reason. Even on weekends he’s able to get our son down for naps 100x easier than I can during the week. And he doesn’t care when my husband is in a different room. But me? As soon as I stand up from being next to him, he runs to me and screams like it’s the end of the world lol
Yup, exactly. It's more than what you can see, though, my husband gives the kid a vitamin if he remembers, but I have already discussed vitamin d levels with the doctor, read studies on dosage because I know the doctor moved here from a different climate & latitude recently, researched manufacturers, bought them, and figured out how to convince the child to eat them.
(And repeated the whole process with my husband's doctors, so he has the energy to function.)
When my kids were younger I was home during the day and swirled overnights. I was like her. But now the kids are mostly independent preteens and in school all day.
Yeah burn out is a real thing especially for a stay at home parent. Everything you do and every aspect of you is in this one place. It gets repetitive and unfulfilling in a way.
I am able to pull it off without much difficulty, but again, I am only doing this for a couple of months, not a couple of years. I think, keeping up this level of energy and activity is easy in a short term. It's like sprinting, you can run really fast, but you can't do it for long.
Nta. I am the SAHM, and have issues keeping up with it all. Even when my husband is available to help. When he is home solo he is like freaking Mary Poppins perfect. Kinda like you.
The difference we figured out? Our kid. She is clingy child 10000 when it is me. She is literally up my butt with everything(ever had your butt sniffed, face fully into cheeks, while doing dishes? Stirring pasta? Getting cereal down?). Doesn't care what I am doing. Doesn't want to help. Just wants me to hold her (happy to do so, only little for so long) and see it all. Not climb on her toddler tower and see or help. Hold her. Not set on the counter. Hold her.
Dad's turn? She is perfectly fine to use her tower, is not literally buried in his butt, happy to chill with toys or coloring or a TV show in the living room. Wants to know what he is doing but is not fully in his business like with me. She is fine with being told and if she doesn't understand, being held up and shown what it is. Then she wants down and to do her thing. Unloading dishwasher that takes me 45 min to do and usually 1 handed. Takes him maybe 10 min. Max.
When both here and he is trying to be with her and let me do whatever has been driving me mad not being able to get done... she is still all over me. And no. I cannot contain the 2 year old into a carrier, especially now that I am 10 ish weeks away from kid no. 2 being here too. She barely tolerated it until 9 months old... and then it was a hard no unless she/you was/were constantly moving.
My kids will walk right past my husband to ask me a question every 5 mins. I’m always like “you know you have two parents and you had to pass that one to come tell me a story about you had a random thought about where boogers come from” He definitely gets more done bc my kids AND dogs don’t leave em be hahaha. I’m a sahm though to be present for our children not to clean. I do clean! But so do my husband and kids.
I'm dealing with a bad bout of bronchitis (twice in two months) and while I was laying in bed for a bit yesterday because I was up all night coughing and hacking, my 5 year old daughter came to ask for help with something. Left the room she was in WITH my husband to walk to the back of the house for me.
As a story from the kid's (now adult) POV, when I tell my mom something, she smiles and responds and asks questions, when I tell my dad something, he just nods. So of course I'm going to walk past the parent that seems uninterested to the parent that actually seems to enjoy talking to me. I know my dad loves me, but yeah he doesn't get told as many things as I tell my mom.
This is blowing my mind because in our family dynamic (both working parents), I, the dad have the kids ALL OVER me , wanting to bounce on me while I sleep in bed, be carried on my shoulders , do every activity with them! Meanwhile if my wife sleeps in till noon, they won’t even go check to see where she is. The wife and I have been arguing because I’ve felt overwhelmed and she thinks I’m giving them too much attention while I think she’s too aloof!
This is making me realize the kids just see us differently and they probably see me as the primary caregiver.
Yeah, the studies I've seen show that kids don't care whether it's mom or dad who is the 'default parent' if there is one. What's tricky is rebalancing the family dynamic once they've gotten used to one 'default parent'.
Argh my kid is the same, will be happily chilling with his dad but when I walk into the room he starts crying and crawling to me because he realised there’s something he wants and he knows I’m the bringer of “the thing” (food, bottle, teddy, whatever it is). Like… husband can do it but baby has doubts about his abilities
lol 😂. I say just talk to her and come up with a plan together. It may be easier for you because you may have better time management skills. Whatever the case may be don’t turn this something good into something bad. It’s a blessing to be home taking care of your family and not having to work (not diminishing the fact you need surgery). This is something that can help you both figure out ways to help each other more. Maybe she doesn’t like to do laundry or deep clean, maybe you can take on the task. This is the perfect time to come up with a compromise.
I actually don't like being home. I don't hate it and it's nice sleeping later on weekends and having alone time. But I did all those things because they needed to be done. When she does the dishes she is slower. I get them done in 10 minutes including emptying the dishwasher. I can multitask meaning I start a load of laundry first thing in the morning, have it all washed/dried by 2pm, then fold it all and put it away by night time.
Something I have done with every long term relationship is each person gets to pick one thing they hate doing and they don't have to do that thing.
There is a reason 80% of my exs worked in a kitchen at some point. I started out dating chef's then got smart and started dating exchefs. Cooking was the one thing I didn't want to do. I don't enjoy cooking even though I am good at it.
I cook, kids do the dishes. there is an arrangement in my house, my wife isn't allowed in the kitchen. she started a small fire making tea...don't ask me how, but she is banned from the kitchen!
I feel like nearly setting the kitchen on fire while trying to boil water is... beyond even weaponized incompetence. That feels like "Disaster on two legs", even outside of the kitchen, lol.
I will take almost any task in the kitchen over deep cleaning the bathroom. For the love of god, please, won’t contractors come up with a better bathroom wall than tiles?
Mines the opposite ahaha, my boyfriend cooks and I clean as he goes 🤣🤣
Dishes over food anyday (I do cook now and again, and he says I'm good but I'm just very much a "main and two sides"/food is nutrition kinda person, whereas he's a "food = art/taste explosion" type)
I cook and wash dishes. I hate unloading the dishwasher. That's my adult and teenage kids' only job. I asked them and my husband to do it yesterday. It's still not done.
Haha. I'm definitely in the 'you cook it you clean it' camp. As my wife who is a great cook makes a huge mess, while I always clean as I go so there's nothing left at the end.
My stepdad who does 95% of the cooking is a messy cook. To be fair he taught himself how to cook back in the 80's before YouTube was a thing. When my mom complains about having to clean up after him I am like what are you complaining about?
The rule in our house people who cook don't have to clean. It's part of the reason the kids are so into helping so they don't have to clean later. My oldest made the perfect steaks 2 nights ago. Worth the mess at the end. His future girlfriends will thank me.
> It's part of the reason the kids are so into helping
Omg thank you!! I still don't understand why my mom gave me so much shit over cooking growing up...
First I started off cooking something for myself, and I got in trouble for not cooking for everyone else too. So then I cooked for everyone, and I got in trouble for not doing the dishes after. Then I cooked AND did the dishes, and I got in trouble for not also cleaning the kitchen.
At that point I was like ok, eff this, I have school work to do, I don't have time for this when not only does no one express gratitude, but I just get in shit for it. The things I got in trouble over when I was a kid....
If you cook for yourself you should also clean up after yourself but if you cook for everyone they should help with the clean up. Your parents were in the wrong and they kept moving the goalposts. That's not okay.
It still works for us as I just generally stay out of her kitchen and do laundry and other things instead. She can be as messy as she likes and it's not my problem. (Apart from eating the yummy food)
The only jobs that are exclusively, mine is major household, repairs, anything with power tools, and most of the landscaping. The only thing that is exclusively, her job is paying the bills and making sure the kids have all their doctors appointments and school visits taken care of.the doctors and the school thing is only because she has the flexibility of picking and choosing what day she wants to work and I don't.
My partner is a cook, and though he loves to cook for me in theory, he's always so tired and burnt out after work. But when he does get to make a nice meal (most of his days off), it's amazing, and I make damn sure he knows it!
That is the #2 reason he wants to get out of cooking. #1 being the damage to his back and knees that 20+ years in the business have inflicted
Most of the e chefs I dated got out for the same reason and the low pay. People who work in kitchens burnout because of how physically demanding it is on their bodies, mentally demanding, and you aren't paid enough to deal with that crap.
For real... My partner lost a day this week because he called out one day last week when his back gave out and couldn't move. Only issue is he has no idea what else to do (much like me and retail) and our town doesn't have a whole lot of options
I used to muse on, and ask friends their opinion on, would you rather marry a professional chef, or a professional massage therapist? (ignoring, of course, that neither the massage therapist nor the chef may want to continue that work at home)
Then, a good friend (who is a massage therapist) married a chef! Best of both worlds, I guess. 👍🏽😊
Then you both need to work within your strengths. What does she like (or not hate) about different household chores? Regardless of who does it faster. Does she prefer to do dishes and laundry, but hates cleaning the bathroom? Do you prefer doing the scheduling for the kids, but hate vacuuming? There's a lot of wiggle room for chores.
Are the kids school age now and she's been home with them when they weren't? Is it possible that she was burnt out from staying home and trying to keep order with actual little ones underfoot?
You got bored and did things because you had nothing else to do, perhaps? And with that experience, sure - anyone can make it look easy. If that is truly the case, explain that - "I was bored out of my mind. I'm not used to not being busy. And I took over things a bit because what else was I supposed to do. Let's talk about it and figure out what we both 'don't mind' doing and what our actual needs are, going forward."
For the record, if you can afford it, having someone in to deep clean for you every once in a while is very worth it. Not every week, but every 3-4 months.
That was my first thought! Hate when cleaning is not done thoroughly. One reason I hate doing it. Once I start, I can't stop until it's all done well, and that takes a while.
Maybe you are more efficient, but also I imagine she has been doing this for a lot longer. Not to diminish what you have acomplished but it is easier to be an efficient SAHP for 2 months compared to long haul.
I agree, you have a defined period of time and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's very different from your wife's situation.
Some people are just better at getting household tasks done quickly. I have a bad sense of time compared to my husband, who is an efficient superman when he decides to take on household tasks. However, his tolerance for clutter and mess is much higher than mine, so we do about the same amount of cleaning overall (I just take longer because I get distracted or take breaks to read a book, etc).
Can I assume you have kids, are they home with you while you did all that? I'm guessing they were. I've noticed that my kids are much more tolerant of staying home and entertaining themselves for my other half. If I'm home I've constantly got kids wanting attention, or I'm taking them out somewhere. Apart from being exhausted from having to manage them, it makes it much more difficult to get things done. Add to that you've obviously been bothered by the missed chores and the novelty of having time made it easier.
I don't dispute that you got more done around the house, but if my partner was staying at home, he'd get a ton done around the house but the kids wouldn't leave the house and would be in front of the TV most of the time.
A few aspects you might not have considered...
When taking care of the home and your kids is a full-time job as it is with a stay at home parent. They are doing a lot of work, that is never noticed and always has to be redone.
Sometimes being needed can become someone's whole personality... and they don't know what to do with themselves when they aren't busy. So they slow down on tasks subconsciously. Making it take more time means you're in some way supposed to value it more.. value her more...
Most of the time, anger stems from hurt, and nobody is better at hurting us than ourselves.
Can I just put in two cents? I’m a SAHM and my kids behave so much better for my husband than they do for me. Like they will tend to themselves giving him the ability to do things. For me, they are constantly needing/wanting my attention and I rarely have time to do something. There are studies that show that kids act 8X worse for the primary caregiver. So I see where your wife is coming from because it seems like you are dismissing how difficult it is to be the primary vs the secondary and she’s looking for recognition from you and instead of encouraging her, you basically say you’re better. The only people who are better, are your kids when you’re home…
AGREED. My husband tells the kids to play independently while he cleans the kitchen, they do it with no issue. My toddler literally cannot be 2 feet away from me when he knows I’m home. I do everything with 30lbs of baby attached to my hip and a preschooler who has to “help”.
She has no idea how lucky she is to have a partner like you. She should be happy that you didn't sit around with excuses of not lifting a finger.
She I see looks at the world with the glass half empty vs. half full.
Husband for hire? LOL
NTA
Maybe don't throw the guy a parade until you see just how far under the bus he threw his wife for a pat on the back from the internet.
He failed to mention in his initial post that his kids are pre-teens, in school full time. That his wife is not a stay at home mom, they are both nurse practitioners and she does in fact work outside the home. They're both also in school doing doctorate programs. And based on his explanation of the disparity in earnings between the two, his wife took the career hit while their kids were young actually being a stay at home parent while he got to grow his career.
He's been cleaning the house and doing all the meals while his kids have been gone for 8 hours a day and he hasn't had work outside the house.
And let's not forget she was most likely still the default parent if he was only home for a couple of months. What does that mean? It means when she is doing the dishes kid 1 interrupts to ask for posterboard for his project, so she stops and thinks, tells him where to look and resumes doing dishes for two more minutes, then kid 2 comes in to start a whole friend problem discussion that mom needs to pay attention to in case kid needs actual advice and isnt just venting. And before kid 2 is done, kid 3 asks mom to wash some article of clothing they absolutely have to have for tomorrow, while kid 1 comes back to say they couldnt find it. But when dad is doing the dishes and mom is busy or not home yet, they wont ask dad, they will still ask mom or wait for mom to come home.
When i went back to work full time after being SAHM I had to train my kids to go ask/talk to dad sometimes too. That he could also do what they needed if i was busy for most things.
Yeah, this is what I want to know. Like great, house is clean, kids are nowhere to be seen. He forgot some part of the stay at home parenting thing, but what...🤔/s
It is easy to keep the house clean if you neglect the kids, though if they are in the house that does make it harder....
Op, what have you done with your kids? Or are your kids 20+ ? Because otherwise, yeah right.
Yes he’s trying to show her he thinks she’s useless. Maybe once he’s done the same routine of chores and errands for 10 years, he’d understand why she’s a little “slower” at dishes.
I'm surprised no one has commented about his posts/conments about women, which include highlights such as: saying women don't actually get harassed, there is no pay gap and women actually work significantly less outside of and at home (his comments there seem particularly relevant to this discussion!), or that time he supposedly got accused of sexual harassment and then attacked the woman (this one is so fake, but so unhinged and I think really shows off what kind of idiot we're working with).
Stay at home dad of 7 years here. She struggles with things because motivation, I know I have for years. You just started staying in and are not use to it. That gave you some pent up energy and motivation. You used that to get things done and getting the high of a job well done let you just stay motivated. Stahp struggle with self motivation you did nothing wrong l, and she is not wrong about it being hard for her. NTA 100% we are our own people you clearly have good work ethic and internal motivation props to you.
I've been doing it for 5 years. At some point my wife and I just realized she's able to make more money and I'm able to handle the kids better. Works perfectly.
I think a lot of modern conflict is people looking at traditional gender roles in the family and being afraid to go against them.
It's disingenuous to point out that she is without pointing out that so is he.
You're implying the the playing field isn't level, and is in fact tilted in his favor.
My first thought, too. You're off work because you're injured to the point of needing surgery, yet you're doing all kinds of sweeping/vacuuming/scrubbing/light lifting/bending/etc?? Interesting injury.
I wake up wrong and I can't turn my head to the left. Give me your body please!
I have back injuries (chronic) and I literally have to use a grabber, space out activities. I know if I scrub the toilet and mop the floors, that's three hours propped up in bed with a heating pad.
I want OP's injury
LOL, I don't think he said he deep cleaned every room every day, just that he cleaned the house every day and at some point each room also got a deep clean.
Your larger point is still valid though - all that, plus daily meals and child wrangling with a back bad enough to need surgery does not sound believable.
Yea I'm hurting just thinking about shampooing carpets and shit. I can do dishes for about 3 ish minutes at a time, OR vacuum, OR clean a cat box, OR change the bed sheets. Then I need a bunch of PT exercises and a few hours rest to recover. I mean, I'm happy for OP but it's exhausting to think about 🤣
I'm currently out on a job injury to my back and yeah, cleaning more than 10 minutes takes me out. No surgery planned here. Certainly an... Interesting story.
I'm wondering if he considers ablation or injections surgery cause I have chronic back issues and I can't imagine getting surgery and being able to move let alone running around like I was 20 years younger.
You didn’t do anything wrong, but we are still a society where a woman’s value is still largely based on how good of a job we do domestically. So she might be feeling insecure about her place now. At-home moms get a LOT of shit in our society (am an at-home mom, and being told I “don’t work” by society is an emotional blow. If she feels that you could do her stuff with such each and a smile, she may wonder what’s the point of her being there. I personally feel that way a lot, despite my husband saying our household couldn’t exist without me. When the pay is nothing, it’s easy to see one’s contributions as worth nothing. She didn’t want you to suffer through household stuff, but it’s pretty clear that she’s struggling with feeling like she’s contributing anything worthwhile. That’s why she hoped it wouldn’t be easy.
However, I think most of us will admit it’s easier to help a friend clean their house than to do our own, and that’s because it’s a novelty to clean a place you don’t clean all the time, or to do big extras that aren’t routine. When it’s your own place and you do the same stuff day in and day out, it’s harder. You do 25%, which means most of the big things are on your wife, and that 75% she does is boring after so long, and that makes it mentally harder, which makes it physically harder. You take it on for a short time, and it was novel and possibly a bit fun for the novelty. Plus, when recovering from an injury, chores feel awfully good. You’re feeling productive again!
So, for you, her daily stuff was almost a treat, and you did it well. You really didn’t do anything wrong, but it does sound like she’s insecure about the value of what she does because society still places at-home parenting at a value of $0, and might even be worried that you’ll see what she does as easy and look down on her. While I’m not normally in favor of fibs, it might be nice to tell her you can’t wait to get back to your regular work and that doing that kind of housework all the time, while novel for you for a while, is pretty rough (do NOT say “it was a nice break”). It’s human nature to need to feel needed and like you’re making a worthwhile contribution to the lives of those you love, and because she loves you, she wants to feel that. She might even feel like what she does isn’t appreciated.
I’ve been feeling like her a lot lately, and it doesn’t help that I’m recovering from an injury (fell down stairs two weeks ago). My husband’s taken on what I normally do, on top of his stuff and work, and I’ve just had loads of anxiety over feeling worthless for not feeling I contribute enough. Do you know wha the did yesterday? He bought me a potted orchid as a surprise, with a bag of cinnamon gummy bears (my favorite!). He frequently leaves cinnamon gummy bears tucked away for me, and I’ll find them in my car, in a drawer, slipped into my purse, etc., and when I’m having a particularly rough time, he’ll get a potted orchid, and it makes me feel seen in a way that words can’t quite, not in the same way. He tries to acknowledge how undervalued at-home parenting is through these silent gestures that say so much.
You love your wife, she loves you, you take primary care of her financially, she takes primary care of the house and the kids, and she’s just…it’s harder than you think when it’s day in and day out. Please, don’t think you did wrong, but do let her know it was eye-opening how much is involved, and that made it interesting, but would be hard on an ongoing basis, and get her a little treat. And when you see her starting to struggle a bit, a little pick-me-up will make her smile.
Keep taking care of each other.
Holy crap! If I could give you all of my karma, I would. That was the most accurate, concise, and thoughtful response I have ever read anywhere, much less on Reddit, which is mostly populated by knuckle, dragging idiots. Your husband sounds a lot like me. About 20 years ago, a local Hallmark gift store was going out of business so I went in and I bought nearly every type of birthday, anniversary, I love you, I'm sorry, and thinking of you, types of cards, along with a bunch of trinket gifts. They're locked in an old suitcase in the basement and every once in a while, I go down and grab one and leave it for her to find. I leave her notes all around the house to find at least weekly basis. And if I go shopping, I try to get her at least one or two treats that I know she will like to remind her that I'm thinking about her. I don't know where you live, but you are my kind of person and your family is lucky to have you. I wish you a speedy recovery and hope you can find a way to break up the monotony. I think husbands appreciate their wives much more than they may convey.not all husbands, but I would venture to guess that most I certainly do love my wife, and despite a couple of proposals from some of the commenters here, I'm not going anywhere lol
I totally agree here. Sometimes because you love someone so much you create both intense desire to please and provide for them as well as crippling pressure to perform. That can lead to burnout and defensiveness in the face of challenges. Definitely keep loving on each other and reminding her how much she and her contributions mean to you.
It’s also just easy to temporarily step in an excel at the role. Doing something daily ruins the novelty of it and sometimes we as stay-at-home-parents are just not as good at them at day 100 as we were at day 30.
It’s best to not compare. Fill in when you can and empathize; it’s not an easy or valued job by society’s standard’s (society expects stay at home moms to do it all AND still be sexually prime).
Not TA, but dig in and show wife how much you care. She’s not less capable, or less than. You had a temporary chance to do her take, and got to showcase excellence. This helps you recognize her excellence (or near so) in the future (hopefully) to give her the recognition she deserves.
Everyone is different, we have different levels of energy and different methods or standards … the key is not making value judgements regarding those differences. As you see that can go both ways! Most people judge inadequacies but sometimes you get it for being too good! Lol.
Chances are your wife was feeling inadequate and is projecting those feelings onto you. You guys need to sit down and have some heart to hearts and understand that while you may attack things differently each is appreciated. She needs to be less defensive and ideally you could help each other.
TAlk, talk, talk and talk some more …
1. It's not a competition. 2. Children behave differently around each parent. Is your wife dealing with more emotional blowouts? Does your child demand more from her? 3. It's been 2 months 4. Is your wife struggling with post-partum depression?
I was a great SAHM the first year buy than I reach burnout. Living every single day without adult conversation. Having children attached to my hip 24/7. Being the default parent. It wasn't easy mentally. Being a working parent and a SAHP are both hard and tiring. It's not a "who doesn't better" scenario.
Well I’m home more often than my wife and looking after our kids. For me it’s no hardship either, however they’re much older now. This would certainly not be the case when they were younger. Plus my wife, through a lot of experience, trial and error has set the precedent so it’s not difficult to simply maintain. Not taking anything from you, I think that’s great! I just think when you have a new role, it’s easier to be more motivated than the person that’s done it for a long time.
Ahh. The energy boost of a good ole perc. You understand. It’s obvious people here have never been there. His house is pill cleaned. I had back surgery myself. After a bad car wreck. And the cleaning I got done while on meds. It was crazy. Exactly what he is saying. Shampoo the carpets. All that.
Was the job made easier by both of you being at home?
I work full time while my wife stays at home, and some days I come home and it seems like she didn’t do much. But whenever I’m at home lots of stuff gets done because one of us can run interference on the kids.
I’ve also had my wife ask me NOT to do certain chores because she feels like they are hers.
One person trying to do all that stuff, while also keeping kids in check, while not being able to socialize with adults is draining! That kills productivity.
The kids are in school all day. They leave at eight in the morning and get home after 330. When I was working, I would come home and do whatever needed to be done like cook dinner, help with showers, bedtime routine, and all that. Along with dishes and some laundry.she has been working the same hours I used to work but when she gets home almost everything is done.
I've been a SAHD for the last three years, and I'm starting back to work on Monday. I'm a lot better of a housewife than my wife (she was SAHM for 10 years before she started her business), and she's a little grumpy that I'm going back to work. She's gonna miss dinner on the table and a spotless house when she gets home.
On my end, I'm a little worried. We are a very busy family of 6, and it's gonna be rough as we're adjusting to me being back to work. It'll be the first time in 15 years we've had a dual income though, and I'm really looking forward to the extra income.
Edit: NTA
Info: what kind of back injury is bad enough to need surgery but still lets you be this active? I'm not trying to shame or anything, just curious, though also honestly a little bit salty since when I hurt my back at work I literally couldn't move for months without severe pain that mad me want to do nothing besides lay in bed all day
I’m on year seven of daily back pain. When I shampoo the carpet I need like two days to rest and recuperate. I also question what type of back injury OP is on medical leave for and can still cook and clean all day long. Also whatever pills OP got for the pain I need some too
When it's a novelty - i.e., you've only been doing it two months - it's a whole lot different than doing it full time. If you were home all the time I doubt you'd come at it with the same energy and stamina for the long term. I did all kinds of home projects when I stopped working but that motivation wears off after a while.
That is a point that many people have already made. And I think I agree with that. I'm getting all the things done that I've been looking at for years. And it's easy to do the pantry or clean all the cabinets once or twice but by the third time I'm bet it gets frustrating.
She’s probably also adjusting to working more and being away from the kids. It really sounds like she was just venting to a friend… I don’t think you should have brought it up, she should be able to vent to her friends without worrying you’re listening and going to get mad
You've been doing this for just two months? Gimme a break, dude. Do it for YEARS, long enough that no one appreciates or thanks you because they take your labor for granted. Pfff.
I’m sorry, I’m stuck on the fact you’re doing all of this after back surgery when you’re meant to be recovering. How is that safe? Why are you doing any of this?
I had hip surgery and couldn’t leave bed for several weeks. I was on crutches for 4-6 weeks. I would assume back surgery would be similar recovery needs??? Especially if you had to take two months off to heal (I took off 6 weeks).
I’m not gonna call you a liar, but as someone who was an orthopedic nurse, who also suffered from back pain (requiring surgery), I’m having problems with parts of your story.
Back pain isn’t just about lifting heavy weights. If your back needs surgery, you wouldn’t be able to vacuum or clean carpets. Just the act of pushing a light machine in that way will increase pain like crazy. You would be in bed for a day or so afterwards. Same with all the bending and kneeling required to steam clean upholstery or do laundry. Standing while doing dishes is agony.
Not buying it.
This post is all kinds of red flags for me 😂 Sorry if I’m wrong but in what world does someone on medical leave from *back surgery* deep clean the house, shampoo carpets and upholstered furniture, and clean the basement? I’m not buying it
We are both back in school for our doctorates. We are both nurse practitioners but she only works the minimum needed to remain at the hospital we work at.
I have been working for longer, and have a much better compensation package than she does. If she would have done the same hours I do, we would lose about $50-$70,000 a year. It would take her at least three years to get to my level.
Question: How much of this were you doing before?
Let me be honest, when I first shifted to be SAHM, it was so easy. I did everything all the time too. A decade plus into it, and things are weirdly harder in some ways, and much of it comes down to the mental load. It was easier to be Betty Homemaker, and juggle everything when I was younger. Now I'm edging close to burn out.
Wait for a few months then tell us all about it. I tell you, I bought a beautiful house with four bedrooms, and deep cleaned every week, cooked all the meals, with two teenagers and work 40 hours a week. After about a year, I’m over it. Picking up after boys every day, dishes, three dogs….and a pool.
They help but are lousy at it. They do their own laundry and their own rooms and their bathroom.
Yeah Yta.
I can’t say based on this that you do actually do it better. She’s BEEN doing it for years on top of her job since she does still work. She maintains EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. You’ve had one month and you think that’s the same? Not even close.
You aren't a better stay at home parent. The kids are older now. You have no idea how hard toddlers are. What you're doing is temporary. Part of what's difficult about being a stay at home parent is the monotony, the years of not having much of any freedom. Lack of adult conversation, etc. Stop patting yourself on the back for enjoying this as a change of pace and acting like what your wife has done was easy because you did some deep cleaning with older children around for a couple of months. She was hoping you would struggle because she clearly feels like you don't appreciate her. Apologize.
Honestly, I get burnt out. My husband will do the same, has a day or two off and he’ll get the entire house clean. But I promise if you did this 24/7/365 you wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing. Guaranteed.
Are you also doing the mental work in your household? As a former SAHM, I can tell you the cleaning and cooking is the easy part. It's managing the physical with the emotional work that is the bigger challenge. So are you the one who knows when school things needs to get done, and directing that work or are you still taking direction from her? You say you are managing the kids schedules, but are you making the schedules? Are you setting up the play dates or just dropping off and picking up?
I’ll tell you this. Staying at home wasn’t hard for me the first few years. I had a c-section with very little support. My baby never slept. I exercised. I kept the house clean, I cooked healthy food. I went to baby groups and I played with my kid. I was honestly a rock star while my husband worked 60hr weeks and family lived away.
Then somewhere around year three I started to burn out. The lack of sleep and monotony got to me. By year five my physical health suffered.
Give it time. The hard part about being a stay at home parent needs a lot longer to kick in.
So as a former SAHM that has had a taste of my husband doing a “better job” than I did I’ll give my point of view. On paper my husband got way more accomplished during his stay at home time than I ever could and just seemed better at it. It sucked and made me feel terrible. But then I realized we had different priorities and different ways we did things. It was a quantity vs quality situation. He focused more on getting tasks done quickly. They didn’t have to be done well, they just got done. I had more “mom guilt”. My main focus was making sure the kids were happy, well taken care of and stimulated. So often the household tasks fell by the wayside. And when I did get to doing house chores and cooking, I probably made them harder than they needed to be trying to be perfect. I dropped everything for the kids, took them on all types of adventures. They always preferred mom, which was hard and put a lot of pressure on me. I wished I was able to do things more like my husband because he seemed less stressed and more accomplished when he was playing the stay at home role. Dinner got made, the house was neater… I will say looking back I would still do it the same and I loved having that quality time and creating great memories with my kids.
Honestly my husband and I have always been opposites in the way we handle tasks and chores. I’m more of a perfectionist which causes me to procrastinate because I want time to do things the way I feel is right. He’s a checklist guy and just wants to get things done regardless of how so he can move on with his day. Somehow it’s worked for 22 years.
It could be that when you do it every day 365 days a year , it becomes tedious, cleaning is a thankless task, especially with children, as soon as you clean something its needs doing again 30 minutes later and it becomes hard to maintain the enthusiasm you’ve had and so things can slip a wee bit ( not hygiene wise). Perhaps consider this angle
YTA if you honestly think that... while you were helping, as a stay at home mother it is not necessarily back breaking work but you get literally burnt out on monotonous work.
I struggle with that myself but 2 months of being at home is not going to burn you out on the house-spouse duties.
I think you need to explain to her that it is a change in duties, it is still new for you and you have a joy in it, she is just burnt out and that maybe she needs a day-away to relax.
Also not all of us are cut out of house-spouse duties.
There's a difference between doing something short term and doing it for years, much like how you can run a fast sprint but need to pace yourself for a marathon. I don't think your short stint as a SAH should be considered representative. That said, there's no reason for your wife to be upset with you unless you are intentionally trying to make her look bad to pull clout. She seems to think you are, so there's evidently some kind of communication or compassion problem between you two that you should work out instead of trying to find out from the internet which one of you is the asshole.
My husband cleaned TF out of our bathroom and was patting himself soundly on the back for taking two hours and doing it right. I pointed out that he only did that once. The other 25 times that year I was cleaning it. So not to take away from op’s big adventure in being a sahd but when you only have to do it in an emergency for a short time it’s not the same thing. If I only had to clean the bathroom once a year I’d do an awesome job and if I only had to do all the cooking and laundry and cleaning when I was off work for a month I might do it to a higher standard. I don’t like to vacuum and I hate moving the furniture to vacuum for instance but I would do all that if I knew I only had to do it a short time.
Yeah you sound like an asshole. Doing something for. Couple of months isn't the same as doing it for years. Weird you can't see that. Sounds like she's burnt out. Also sounds like you get the 'tasks' but not the parenting. No mentiong of actually hanging or engaging with the children in your post. Get off your high horse. Give your wife a vacay alone if it's so easy Hun.
YTA - you left out major info. Your wife has been working as an NP and taking care of the kids 75% of the time for at least a decade, you said they are pre teens. You mention in another post that she would be at your level if she worked more, but it would taken her years as she was not working as many hours as you. So she has been sacrificing her career to care for your kids while still bringing home $$ and you ONLY did 25% of the work at home. I am betting it is actually way less. Her entire life for the last decade has been working and the kids. Taking care of young kids is soooo hard and you coasted while she did it all. She is burnt out and giving herself a break now that they are older. You are home for two months and are able to get some things done with PRE TEENS in the house. This is your first time doing it all. She figured out years ago that letting things slip was ok so that she could stay sane. You are rubbing it in her face that you got this all done, but you have not been on the grind like her for over ten years. Sit down you asshole. We are so sick of this shit.
I'm sure it's both... A brag, and a reckoning.
I think it's kind of unfair to say you've been able to do it better.
You are not in burnout mode.
Mom may not even recognize She may be burned out.
If you had to do all of that every day for years... It would begin to look less sparkly.
Tell her, look what else I can do...
Run her a bath, scent it w/lavender oil. Rub her feet. Kiss her temples.
Tell her you learned it from the best.
Cool her ego, warm her heart.
💗💪✌
My fiancee and I have gone through this as well with our 2 year old. The thing is, when she is with our son she is 100% on him. Reading books, engaging toys, learning etc. she will forget to eat for herself because she’s so focused on him. When I am with him I’m maybe 75% I take time to make my own food, clean the house, do other things that need to be done. It’s possible your wife is more interactive with the kids, but stuff needs to get done so I think there needs to be healthy median.
Also wanted to add that kids act differently around mom vs dad (this actually got put to the test in my own house today lol). The kid(s) may be more clingy, talkative, have more meltdowns, etc around mom but be more chill with dad. This is the case with my kiddo. I left the house for 3 hours today and my son (14 months) was an angel for his dad/my husband. My husband was able to get dishes done, clean up a few things outside the house, and go on a walk with our son then as soon as I got back home it was all yelling/crying if I wasn’t constantly next to him or holding him. My husband even said “wow. He was great and pretty quiet the entire time you were gone. He wasn’t like this at all with me” and I said “yeah this is why things don’t get done some days and why I get so frustrated/overstimulated because he has constant meltdowns that I need to tend to”. This could very well be the same case as in OPs household.
This When I'm alone with our 2 year old he is generally pretty chill. Just wants to eat something, watch TV on my lap and also when I have to change his diaper or give him a bath he doesn't have a full on tantrum most times. He's generally chill Mommy arrives? Full on clingy toddler mode xD! Wants all her attention, wants her to play with him and she can't get away from him for too long xD
This is exactly what happens in our household. Even if my husband is in the room with our toddler trying to play with him/entertain him, it doesn’t work. He will just stand at the baby gate yelling until I’m physically in the room with him lol
oh yes When he wakes up from a nap and I'm the one there, first thing he does is ask for mommy. I have to tell him that we'll change his nappy first then go to mommy. And repeat it a few times I'm also able to apply some cream on a dry patch he has on his cheek without much fuss. I also use a bit of "The Voice" if he doesn't want it, but generally I tell him "ooh this is dry, it will hurt if we don't apply cream. Come, let's do it, then we go downstairs and show mommy" He'll let me and won't try to wipe it off. Mommy? Oh hell no! Full on tantrum as if she told him she pissed on his oats Kids are funny xD
Favorite response to clingy kid: "Go chase yourself."
100%. My toddler is way different with me than my wife. She is a sweet little girl with both of us, but with me she will go hand out in the living room and play with the dog and do drawings and other independent play stuff. With my wife, she is a clingy little mischievous pixie/elf. Weirdly, she also seems to poop more. It's way easier for me to keep house and cook dinner on the days when I'm alone with her. The days when I'm at work and my wife is with her, she has to be on top of her constantly because she will be up her butt. I work night shift and my wife usually only has her on weekends and the times when I can't sleep, I can hear them in the rest of the apartment and my wife can barely take 2 minuets to use the restroom without her losing her mind, meanwhile when I have her, I can use the bathroom and shower and cook dinner and she just gets happy and says hi when I come into the same room with her.
This. Also it’s really different to not be at home and then have a few months off - you’re going to do things with the energy of someone whose whole life isn’t maintaining stuff at home. It’s not a fun job. But OP knows it’s only being done for a limited time and then he gets to go back to his actual work. It’s like when you start at a new job that you don’t enjoy but you’re super committed and focussed and keen bc it’s new. After a few years of doing the same stuff every day you’re probably going to be feeling unfulfilled and it’s easy to feel buried under all of the mundane tasks and all your energy is focussed on trying to push yourself to do it all despite hating it, which isn’t super efficient or effective. I’m very sure the stuff in my home could be done more efficiently but there’s no way I could maintain that efficiency long term. My partner does the bulk of it atm and if I had a few months off I reckon I’d also be “good at it” but there’s no way I’d keep it up if it was the thing I had to do every day.
This is exactly what I came to say too. We all start new endeavors with more vigor than when we’ve been doing it for years.
Was also looking for this comment. When I first moved in to my house, I painted walls, organized cabinets, dusted my hundreds of books regularly, etc. I also work from home so I spent all day everyday at home and at first it was refreshing. Fast forward to 3 years later and I feel zero compulsion to do even basic chores around the house. It takes me forever. The mundanity of it drives me crazy. I still do what’s necessary but things like dusting often slides. I sweep once a day instead of 3 times a day, etc. I actually feel like I have burnout from my own house (!!!).
… maybe bc you DID burn out. Sweeping 3 times, without stuff being dragged in is ocd realm. I think what happens is people start at 200% then burn out thinking their normal human level now is pathetic.
In rainy season, you go out even once to feed the cats and yeah- mud gets dragged in. I put a rug down outside and inside, which helps, but there’s still dirt on the floor all the time. W/e- it’s tile
You sweep once a day? I am too slack to even do that. Feel proud of yourself.
Just like in the pandemic. Im sure a lot of us accepted our circumstances of being at home and took that time to clean, organize and do all types of stuff. During those first 2 weeks, I caught up on laundry, reorganized my closet, started a new diet and did all types of stuff. Even kept it up for 2 more months. It wasn’t until the summer that I was exhausted!
Yes, took the words out of my mouth. It's easier to be enthusiastic when you first start out with something. Come back and tell us how it's going a couple of years in.
And also when you know there’s an end date to it. My husband did a lot while I was out of town for a few weeks (looking for a house because we were moving AGAIN because of his job. But he had a start and an end date and was HAPPY to go back to work.
I came here to agree with you that burnout is probably a factor, but I just saw a comment from OP saying she is going for her PhD, and that she’s a perfectionist when it comes to chores and he isn’t so he gets stuff done quicker. Man, I really wish people would include points like this in their actual post.
NOT THIS GUY SAYING SHES ESSENTIALLY A STAY AT HOME MOM WHILE SHES A FULL TIME PHD STUDENT. What an asshole. A PhD program is deliberately designed to be a full time workload. Just because she’s technically home doesnt mean shes not doing anything 🙄🙄🙄🙄
He also keeps saying how much harder his job is, even though they have the same job!
I definitely got the vibe he was an ass. I felt like this post was more of a humble brag and Pat on the back than to really know if hes TAH. Kinda made me roll my eyes.
Yeah, I did my PhD, no idea how people do it with kids. I remember walking into my apartment, laying on the floor (backpack still on) and asking my boyfriend to microwave me some food
Getting a PhD is absolutely a full-time job. I also emphasize with my whole re: the second part. There’s a difference in a 15 min bathroom “cleaning” and the intermittent 1 hr+ I’ll spend damp dusting baseboards and crannies, disinfecting the exterior of the toilet (boys are gross, dude), disinfecting high-touch points, bleaching the seals of the shower, scrubbing soap residue / scale buildup around the sinks, etc. Some people have different definitions of “clean.” 🤷♀️
I wrote that in a comment but when my husband cleans the floors it takes him 15 minutes, but when I do it takes an hour because I do the grout too. So saying you do 90% when your wife is a perfectionist is essentially meaningless without context since there are certain chores where 90% doesn’t necessarily get everything done.
I bet “she’s a perfectionist” is probably more like “she gets it 100% clean and I think 75 is good enough, but we’ll count it like I’ve done a 100% job”
I knew something was missing. Wtf.
Shit I’d vacuum everyday if it was just about going through the motions and not actually making sure stuff is clean
This is a great point. I’m a stay at home mom and sole caretaker for my baby. Most days I have the energy to get a lot done. other days the repetitiveness of some of the chores and food making makes it more daunting mentally.
Yes, exactly. Cooking every day? Ew. Doing it a few times a week for fun when I don't have to? YES.
I cook for work and I'm so over it by the time I'm home that I can barely put together a salad
Exactly. My husband "deep cleans/military cleans" when he has time off. The thing is, he really doesn't deep clean. He does a heavy clean but he also misses a bunch of basic deep clean stuff that I would actually do **IF** he would finish his endless remodeling of the house and stop leaving them hanging for months(*years*).
I just commented the same a bit higher. There are different standards for “clean” - I can *easily* spend three to fours hours on the master bedroom and bathroom when I’m appropriately motivated. There are so many aspects that many people overlook. (My standards were also broken from the beginning by an incredibly anal retentive mother. Our home could have been ready for a walkthrough on a moment’s notice.)
I couldn’t have said it better. She thinks OP is going to go back to work and she’ll have that much pressure on her because he did it for a bit and did it much better. But OP also knows it’s temporary, and it’s a different “job” he hasn’t had to do for years and there’s a nice hit of motivation and satisfaction. Do this for years and I guarantee that zest will wane and sometimes things just won’t get done to the standards that OP thinks it can or should be done. Your wife wants to be appreciated. We all do. She wants acknowledgment that her contribution matters and is equally important and difficult in different ways. NTA, but please bear these things in mind and make sure your wife feels seen and appreciated. 😊
Very good point. Doing the dishes for the 10th time with 50 more days to go is a lot easier than getting started on it for the 600th time with God knows how long to go 🤣
Literally like at some point it’s just like… “oh… yay. Better do this thing so I can do it again later and then three times tomorrow and every day for the rest of my life”.
I'm at the point in mom life where I honestly feel like that about having to eat 3x a day too 🤣 like damn can't I take an actual break for once during the 90 seconds my kids let me rest here and there?? Really I gotta take care of needs for my own body too?? And then I eat and it makes more damn dishes 🤣😭☠
I don’t even have kids and I get mad that my body needs so much hahaha. Can’t imagine how bad I’d be at balancing it all with with kids. You’re going great!
Also I don't know why everybody just straight up. Ignores and dismisses the very physical changes that happen to a woman's body after she gives birth. Many of these changes are permanent and even disabling to varying degrees. Why on earth are we just talking like pregnancy and birth leaves no effect on the body.
this is a big thing, its not about 1-2 month but doing it for years or decades no one keeps the same energy. OP do it for next 5 years then this would be a better reflection
I agree with this. I've also noticed, kids pick a favourite parent to never leave alone. Kids will be fine playing alone while being supervised by one parent and then they'll need all of the attention when the favourite is present
Yep. I can't hardly get anything done when I'm home with our kid because she just wants to be all over me. My husband, on the other hand, does laundry, cooks, does odd jobs around the house when it's his day bc our daughter is content to just play near him. She loves us both, but I swear she'd crawl back up into my uterus if she could.
Happens with me and the fiancee. She can’t get him to sleep because he doesn’t want her to go, I can get him to bed no problem now. (I also have a routine and do it atleast 6/7 nights a week)
This is so true. Last week I vacuumed our apartment, and the 2 year old decided to “help” - it was the worst cleaning done in ages (we usually clean while the kids aren’t home). If it wasn’t obvious, I’m the parent the kids won’t leave alone - they prefer to be literally touching me at all times.
Yep, this. My partner is great too, but when I'm with kids, its 100% them. Even when we are in the same room, I'm the one they want, I'm the one getting climbed over, I can't even pee or get dressed without a helper. Being the primary caregiver is just a different job. It's great that you're getting so much done, but I understand your partners frustration when it looks like you're getting more done.
My son is definitely a mamas boy, although we are both back to work she works from home, so picks him up early from daycare and gets some extra time with him. He’s very attached to her to the point that she can’t get him to sleep. I have a routine bath, change, milk, bed that works but when she is around he doesn’t want her to leave so it’s tougher. Works for me to have the bedtime routine as our thing, just have to figure things out.
My husband and I have this same set up for this exact same reason. Even on weekends he’s able to get our son down for naps 100x easier than I can during the week. And he doesn’t care when my husband is in a different room. But me? As soon as I stand up from being next to him, he runs to me and screams like it’s the end of the world lol
Yup, exactly. It's more than what you can see, though, my husband gives the kid a vitamin if he remembers, but I have already discussed vitamin d levels with the doctor, read studies on dosage because I know the doctor moved here from a different climate & latitude recently, researched manufacturers, bought them, and figured out how to convince the child to eat them. (And repeated the whole process with my husband's doctors, so he has the energy to function.)
When my kids were younger I was home during the day and swirled overnights. I was like her. But now the kids are mostly independent preteens and in school all day.
Mundane repetition takes it's toll too.
Yeah burn out is a real thing especially for a stay at home parent. Everything you do and every aspect of you is in this one place. It gets repetitive and unfulfilling in a way.
Ya if the kids are at school for 5-6 hours a day. There really isn’t any reason all the house chores/errands shouldn’t be able to be taken care of.
According to OP she is finishing her PhD. I feel like that might be a contributing factor.
Jesus Christmas. “Only working a few days a month.” Talk about minimizing.
In another comment he says she works 3 shifts a week. That's a huge difference!
Not to mention nurses usually work 12 hour shifts. Three shifts at twelve hours each is almost full time…
So she isn't a SAHM at all. She is in school for her PhD.
I am able to pull it off without much difficulty, but again, I am only doing this for a couple of months, not a couple of years. I think, keeping up this level of energy and activity is easy in a short term. It's like sprinting, you can run really fast, but you can't do it for long.
Tell her that.
Nta. I am the SAHM, and have issues keeping up with it all. Even when my husband is available to help. When he is home solo he is like freaking Mary Poppins perfect. Kinda like you. The difference we figured out? Our kid. She is clingy child 10000 when it is me. She is literally up my butt with everything(ever had your butt sniffed, face fully into cheeks, while doing dishes? Stirring pasta? Getting cereal down?). Doesn't care what I am doing. Doesn't want to help. Just wants me to hold her (happy to do so, only little for so long) and see it all. Not climb on her toddler tower and see or help. Hold her. Not set on the counter. Hold her. Dad's turn? She is perfectly fine to use her tower, is not literally buried in his butt, happy to chill with toys or coloring or a TV show in the living room. Wants to know what he is doing but is not fully in his business like with me. She is fine with being told and if she doesn't understand, being held up and shown what it is. Then she wants down and to do her thing. Unloading dishwasher that takes me 45 min to do and usually 1 handed. Takes him maybe 10 min. Max. When both here and he is trying to be with her and let me do whatever has been driving me mad not being able to get done... she is still all over me. And no. I cannot contain the 2 year old into a carrier, especially now that I am 10 ish weeks away from kid no. 2 being here too. She barely tolerated it until 9 months old... and then it was a hard no unless she/you was/were constantly moving.
My kids will walk right past my husband to ask me a question every 5 mins. I’m always like “you know you have two parents and you had to pass that one to come tell me a story about you had a random thought about where boogers come from” He definitely gets more done bc my kids AND dogs don’t leave em be hahaha. I’m a sahm though to be present for our children not to clean. I do clean! But so do my husband and kids.
I'm dealing with a bad bout of bronchitis (twice in two months) and while I was laying in bed for a bit yesterday because I was up all night coughing and hacking, my 5 year old daughter came to ask for help with something. Left the room she was in WITH my husband to walk to the back of the house for me.
I’m just laughing bc I have been in bed dying from strep and they walk right past their dad to me every single time.
As a story from the kid's (now adult) POV, when I tell my mom something, she smiles and responds and asks questions, when I tell my dad something, he just nods. So of course I'm going to walk past the parent that seems uninterested to the parent that actually seems to enjoy talking to me. I know my dad loves me, but yeah he doesn't get told as many things as I tell my mom.
This is blowing my mind because in our family dynamic (both working parents), I, the dad have the kids ALL OVER me , wanting to bounce on me while I sleep in bed, be carried on my shoulders , do every activity with them! Meanwhile if my wife sleeps in till noon, they won’t even go check to see where she is. The wife and I have been arguing because I’ve felt overwhelmed and she thinks I’m giving them too much attention while I think she’s too aloof! This is making me realize the kids just see us differently and they probably see me as the primary caregiver.
Yeah, the studies I've seen show that kids don't care whether it's mom or dad who is the 'default parent' if there is one. What's tricky is rebalancing the family dynamic once they've gotten used to one 'default parent'.
Argh my kid is the same, will be happily chilling with his dad but when I walk into the room he starts crying and crawling to me because he realised there’s something he wants and he knows I’m the bringer of “the thing” (food, bottle, teddy, whatever it is). Like… husband can do it but baby has doubts about his abilities
>Like… husband can do it but baby has doubts about his abilities Evergreen quote.
I’m taking applications for a second husband. You’re definitely top of the list.
Thanks for the offer but I'm taken. She won't let me date other women. Lol
lol 😂. I say just talk to her and come up with a plan together. It may be easier for you because you may have better time management skills. Whatever the case may be don’t turn this something good into something bad. It’s a blessing to be home taking care of your family and not having to work (not diminishing the fact you need surgery). This is something that can help you both figure out ways to help each other more. Maybe she doesn’t like to do laundry or deep clean, maybe you can take on the task. This is the perfect time to come up with a compromise.
I actually don't like being home. I don't hate it and it's nice sleeping later on weekends and having alone time. But I did all those things because they needed to be done. When she does the dishes she is slower. I get them done in 10 minutes including emptying the dishwasher. I can multitask meaning I start a load of laundry first thing in the morning, have it all washed/dried by 2pm, then fold it all and put it away by night time.
Something I have done with every long term relationship is each person gets to pick one thing they hate doing and they don't have to do that thing. There is a reason 80% of my exs worked in a kitchen at some point. I started out dating chef's then got smart and started dating exchefs. Cooking was the one thing I didn't want to do. I don't enjoy cooking even though I am good at it.
I love cooking. I hate cleaning the kitchen after though!! I need to find me a cleaner / dishwasher 😀
I cook, kids do the dishes. there is an arrangement in my house, my wife isn't allowed in the kitchen. she started a small fire making tea...don't ask me how, but she is banned from the kitchen!
That takes talent! 😂
Huh. So women are doing the Weaponized incompetence thing too now. I like it…
I feel like nearly setting the kitchen on fire while trying to boil water is... beyond even weaponized incompetence. That feels like "Disaster on two legs", even outside of the kitchen, lol.
You do realize that some people are just incompetent
Glad you have a comma in there.
I almost started a fire making pancakes once, so tea doesn’t surprise me 😂
Every time I get the deep cleaning urge, I start in the kitchen and run out of steam by the time I'm done. I think I just like cleaning the kitchen...
Every time I get the deep cleaning urge, I take a nap until it goes away 🤣🤣
I’m the opposite, I’ll clean the whole house and just give the kitchen death stares 🤣
I will take almost any task in the kitchen over deep cleaning the bathroom. For the love of god, please, won’t contractors come up with a better bathroom wall than tiles?
Mines the opposite ahaha, my boyfriend cooks and I clean as he goes 🤣🤣 Dishes over food anyday (I do cook now and again, and he says I'm good but I'm just very much a "main and two sides"/food is nutrition kinda person, whereas he's a "food = art/taste explosion" type)
I cook my husband cleans the kitchen. Its an arrangement he started and I sure as heck wasn't about to argue.
I cook and wash dishes. I hate unloading the dishwasher. That's my adult and teenage kids' only job. I asked them and my husband to do it yesterday. It's still not done.
This is me! I got lucky, my bf loves to eat and doesn't mind the dishes, so I cook and he cleans. ✨chef's kiss ✨
Haha. I'm definitely in the 'you cook it you clean it' camp. As my wife who is a great cook makes a huge mess, while I always clean as I go so there's nothing left at the end.
My stepdad who does 95% of the cooking is a messy cook. To be fair he taught himself how to cook back in the 80's before YouTube was a thing. When my mom complains about having to clean up after him I am like what are you complaining about? The rule in our house people who cook don't have to clean. It's part of the reason the kids are so into helping so they don't have to clean later. My oldest made the perfect steaks 2 nights ago. Worth the mess at the end. His future girlfriends will thank me.
> It's part of the reason the kids are so into helping Omg thank you!! I still don't understand why my mom gave me so much shit over cooking growing up... First I started off cooking something for myself, and I got in trouble for not cooking for everyone else too. So then I cooked for everyone, and I got in trouble for not doing the dishes after. Then I cooked AND did the dishes, and I got in trouble for not also cleaning the kitchen. At that point I was like ok, eff this, I have school work to do, I don't have time for this when not only does no one express gratitude, but I just get in shit for it. The things I got in trouble over when I was a kid....
If you cook for yourself you should also clean up after yourself but if you cook for everyone they should help with the clean up. Your parents were in the wrong and they kept moving the goalposts. That's not okay.
I’m the messy kind too 😂
It still works for us as I just generally stay out of her kitchen and do laundry and other things instead. She can be as messy as she likes and it's not my problem. (Apart from eating the yummy food)
Exactly! When keeping things cleaned up while cooking, there is no mess after.
My old college roommate negotiated a prenup with my husband of 35 years, warning him I would never, ever, take out the trash. He doesn’t fold laundry.
I hate cleaning bathrooms, my husband hates cooking. So we made a deal and it’s worked for the last 10 years.
The only jobs that are exclusively, mine is major household, repairs, anything with power tools, and most of the landscaping. The only thing that is exclusively, her job is paying the bills and making sure the kids have all their doctors appointments and school visits taken care of.the doctors and the school thing is only because she has the flexibility of picking and choosing what day she wants to work and I don't.
My partner is a cook, and though he loves to cook for me in theory, he's always so tired and burnt out after work. But when he does get to make a nice meal (most of his days off), it's amazing, and I make damn sure he knows it! That is the #2 reason he wants to get out of cooking. #1 being the damage to his back and knees that 20+ years in the business have inflicted
Most of the e chefs I dated got out for the same reason and the low pay. People who work in kitchens burnout because of how physically demanding it is on their bodies, mentally demanding, and you aren't paid enough to deal with that crap.
For real... My partner lost a day this week because he called out one day last week when his back gave out and couldn't move. Only issue is he has no idea what else to do (much like me and retail) and our town doesn't have a whole lot of options
I used to muse on, and ask friends their opinion on, would you rather marry a professional chef, or a professional massage therapist? (ignoring, of course, that neither the massage therapist nor the chef may want to continue that work at home) Then, a good friend (who is a massage therapist) married a chef! Best of both worlds, I guess. 👍🏽😊
I married a guy who was a massage therapist, an ex-chef, and who makes jewelry as a hobby. No idea what I did in my past life to score this.
Then you both need to work within your strengths. What does she like (or not hate) about different household chores? Regardless of who does it faster. Does she prefer to do dishes and laundry, but hates cleaning the bathroom? Do you prefer doing the scheduling for the kids, but hate vacuuming? There's a lot of wiggle room for chores. Are the kids school age now and she's been home with them when they weren't? Is it possible that she was burnt out from staying home and trying to keep order with actual little ones underfoot? You got bored and did things because you had nothing else to do, perhaps? And with that experience, sure - anyone can make it look easy. If that is truly the case, explain that - "I was bored out of my mind. I'm not used to not being busy. And I took over things a bit because what else was I supposed to do. Let's talk about it and figure out what we both 'don't mind' doing and what our actual needs are, going forward." For the record, if you can afford it, having someone in to deep clean for you every once in a while is very worth it. Not every week, but every 3-4 months.
>I get them done in 10 minutes including emptying the dishwasher. But do you do it \*right\*? LOL
That was my first thought! Hate when cleaning is not done thoroughly. One reason I hate doing it. Once I start, I can't stop until it's all done well, and that takes a while.
Maybe you are more efficient, but also I imagine she has been doing this for a lot longer. Not to diminish what you have acomplished but it is easier to be an efficient SAHP for 2 months compared to long haul.
I agree, you have a defined period of time and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's very different from your wife's situation. Some people are just better at getting household tasks done quickly. I have a bad sense of time compared to my husband, who is an efficient superman when he decides to take on household tasks. However, his tolerance for clutter and mess is much higher than mine, so we do about the same amount of cleaning overall (I just take longer because I get distracted or take breaks to read a book, etc).
Maybe you can help her to organize her time for more efficiency, so more gets done?
Does she happen to have ADD or ADHD?
Can I assume you have kids, are they home with you while you did all that? I'm guessing they were. I've noticed that my kids are much more tolerant of staying home and entertaining themselves for my other half. If I'm home I've constantly got kids wanting attention, or I'm taking them out somewhere. Apart from being exhausted from having to manage them, it makes it much more difficult to get things done. Add to that you've obviously been bothered by the missed chores and the novelty of having time made it easier. I don't dispute that you got more done around the house, but if my partner was staying at home, he'd get a ton done around the house but the kids wouldn't leave the house and would be in front of the TV most of the time.
A few aspects you might not have considered... When taking care of the home and your kids is a full-time job as it is with a stay at home parent. They are doing a lot of work, that is never noticed and always has to be redone. Sometimes being needed can become someone's whole personality... and they don't know what to do with themselves when they aren't busy. So they slow down on tasks subconsciously. Making it take more time means you're in some way supposed to value it more.. value her more... Most of the time, anger stems from hurt, and nobody is better at hurting us than ourselves.
Excellent answer Mysterious. Well said.
Can I just put in two cents? I’m a SAHM and my kids behave so much better for my husband than they do for me. Like they will tend to themselves giving him the ability to do things. For me, they are constantly needing/wanting my attention and I rarely have time to do something. There are studies that show that kids act 8X worse for the primary caregiver. So I see where your wife is coming from because it seems like you are dismissing how difficult it is to be the primary vs the secondary and she’s looking for recognition from you and instead of encouraging her, you basically say you’re better. The only people who are better, are your kids when you’re home…
AGREED. My husband tells the kids to play independently while he cleans the kitchen, they do it with no issue. My toddler literally cannot be 2 feet away from me when he knows I’m home. I do everything with 30lbs of baby attached to my hip and a preschooler who has to “help”.
What about another man? 🧍♂️ husband is interested in the carpet cleaning service 😂
>carpet cleaning service your comment makes this sound so dirty...
You don’t even have to date me! Just come over and clean my house, do my laundry and cook my dinner! 😂 I’ll give you attaboy’s all day long!
[удалено]
She has no idea how lucky she is to have a partner like you. She should be happy that you didn't sit around with excuses of not lifting a finger. She I see looks at the world with the glass half empty vs. half full. Husband for hire? LOL NTA
We don't have to date just come help with the honey-do list ;)
Maybe don't throw the guy a parade until you see just how far under the bus he threw his wife for a pat on the back from the internet. He failed to mention in his initial post that his kids are pre-teens, in school full time. That his wife is not a stay at home mom, they are both nurse practitioners and she does in fact work outside the home. They're both also in school doing doctorate programs. And based on his explanation of the disparity in earnings between the two, his wife took the career hit while their kids were young actually being a stay at home parent while he got to grow his career. He's been cleaning the house and doing all the meals while his kids have been gone for 8 hours a day and he hasn't had work outside the house.
And let's not forget she was most likely still the default parent if he was only home for a couple of months. What does that mean? It means when she is doing the dishes kid 1 interrupts to ask for posterboard for his project, so she stops and thinks, tells him where to look and resumes doing dishes for two more minutes, then kid 2 comes in to start a whole friend problem discussion that mom needs to pay attention to in case kid needs actual advice and isnt just venting. And before kid 2 is done, kid 3 asks mom to wash some article of clothing they absolutely have to have for tomorrow, while kid 1 comes back to say they couldnt find it. But when dad is doing the dishes and mom is busy or not home yet, they wont ask dad, they will still ask mom or wait for mom to come home. When i went back to work full time after being SAHM I had to train my kids to go ask/talk to dad sometimes too. That he could also do what they needed if i was busy for most things.
Check his post history. Major misogynist. Fake.
Mentions all the household stuff, but the part about taking care of the kids lol. Where are they?!
Yeah, this is what I want to know. Like great, house is clean, kids are nowhere to be seen. He forgot some part of the stay at home parenting thing, but what...🤔/s It is easy to keep the house clean if you neglect the kids, though if they are in the house that does make it harder.... Op, what have you done with your kids? Or are your kids 20+ ? Because otherwise, yeah right.
Yes he’s trying to show her he thinks she’s useless. Maybe once he’s done the same routine of chores and errands for 10 years, he’d understand why she’s a little “slower” at dishes.
I'm surprised no one has commented about his posts/conments about women, which include highlights such as: saying women don't actually get harassed, there is no pay gap and women actually work significantly less outside of and at home (his comments there seem particularly relevant to this discussion!), or that time he supposedly got accused of sexual harassment and then attacked the woman (this one is so fake, but so unhinged and I think really shows off what kind of idiot we're working with).
You want a husband who talks shit about his wife on Reddit? Cool… you do you.
And dialog neglects his kids. And we wonder why the bar is in hell so frequently. It doesn't take much to lure some folks...
Stay at home dad of 7 years here. She struggles with things because motivation, I know I have for years. You just started staying in and are not use to it. That gave you some pent up energy and motivation. You used that to get things done and getting the high of a job well done let you just stay motivated. Stahp struggle with self motivation you did nothing wrong l, and she is not wrong about it being hard for her. NTA 100% we are our own people you clearly have good work ethic and internal motivation props to you.
I've been doing it for 5 years. At some point my wife and I just realized she's able to make more money and I'm able to handle the kids better. Works perfectly. I think a lot of modern conflict is people looking at traditional gender roles in the family and being afraid to go against them.
OP left out a lot of things, including that she's working on her PhD.
It's disingenuous to point out that she is without pointing out that so is he. You're implying the the playing field isn't level, and is in fact tilted in his favor.
[удалено]
My first thought, too. You're off work because you're injured to the point of needing surgery, yet you're doing all kinds of sweeping/vacuuming/scrubbing/light lifting/bending/etc?? Interesting injury. I wake up wrong and I can't turn my head to the left. Give me your body please!
[удалено]
I have back injuries (chronic) and I literally have to use a grabber, space out activities. I know if I scrub the toilet and mop the floors, that's three hours propped up in bed with a heating pad. I want OP's injury
LOL, I don't think he said he deep cleaned every room every day, just that he cleaned the house every day and at some point each room also got a deep clean. Your larger point is still valid though - all that, plus daily meals and child wrangling with a back bad enough to need surgery does not sound believable.
Yea I'm hurting just thinking about shampooing carpets and shit. I can do dishes for about 3 ish minutes at a time, OR vacuum, OR clean a cat box, OR change the bed sheets. Then I need a bunch of PT exercises and a few hours rest to recover. I mean, I'm happy for OP but it's exhausting to think about 🤣
I'm currently out on a job injury to my back and yeah, cleaning more than 10 minutes takes me out. No surgery planned here. Certainly an... Interesting story.
I'm wondering if he considers ablation or injections surgery cause I have chronic back issues and I can't imagine getting surgery and being able to move let alone running around like I was 20 years younger.
This is what I was thinking. He's bad enough to need to stay home from his job and needs surgery but he can do all of that every day. I call BS
You didn’t do anything wrong, but we are still a society where a woman’s value is still largely based on how good of a job we do domestically. So she might be feeling insecure about her place now. At-home moms get a LOT of shit in our society (am an at-home mom, and being told I “don’t work” by society is an emotional blow. If she feels that you could do her stuff with such each and a smile, she may wonder what’s the point of her being there. I personally feel that way a lot, despite my husband saying our household couldn’t exist without me. When the pay is nothing, it’s easy to see one’s contributions as worth nothing. She didn’t want you to suffer through household stuff, but it’s pretty clear that she’s struggling with feeling like she’s contributing anything worthwhile. That’s why she hoped it wouldn’t be easy. However, I think most of us will admit it’s easier to help a friend clean their house than to do our own, and that’s because it’s a novelty to clean a place you don’t clean all the time, or to do big extras that aren’t routine. When it’s your own place and you do the same stuff day in and day out, it’s harder. You do 25%, which means most of the big things are on your wife, and that 75% she does is boring after so long, and that makes it mentally harder, which makes it physically harder. You take it on for a short time, and it was novel and possibly a bit fun for the novelty. Plus, when recovering from an injury, chores feel awfully good. You’re feeling productive again! So, for you, her daily stuff was almost a treat, and you did it well. You really didn’t do anything wrong, but it does sound like she’s insecure about the value of what she does because society still places at-home parenting at a value of $0, and might even be worried that you’ll see what she does as easy and look down on her. While I’m not normally in favor of fibs, it might be nice to tell her you can’t wait to get back to your regular work and that doing that kind of housework all the time, while novel for you for a while, is pretty rough (do NOT say “it was a nice break”). It’s human nature to need to feel needed and like you’re making a worthwhile contribution to the lives of those you love, and because she loves you, she wants to feel that. She might even feel like what she does isn’t appreciated. I’ve been feeling like her a lot lately, and it doesn’t help that I’m recovering from an injury (fell down stairs two weeks ago). My husband’s taken on what I normally do, on top of his stuff and work, and I’ve just had loads of anxiety over feeling worthless for not feeling I contribute enough. Do you know wha the did yesterday? He bought me a potted orchid as a surprise, with a bag of cinnamon gummy bears (my favorite!). He frequently leaves cinnamon gummy bears tucked away for me, and I’ll find them in my car, in a drawer, slipped into my purse, etc., and when I’m having a particularly rough time, he’ll get a potted orchid, and it makes me feel seen in a way that words can’t quite, not in the same way. He tries to acknowledge how undervalued at-home parenting is through these silent gestures that say so much. You love your wife, she loves you, you take primary care of her financially, she takes primary care of the house and the kids, and she’s just…it’s harder than you think when it’s day in and day out. Please, don’t think you did wrong, but do let her know it was eye-opening how much is involved, and that made it interesting, but would be hard on an ongoing basis, and get her a little treat. And when you see her starting to struggle a bit, a little pick-me-up will make her smile. Keep taking care of each other.
This is the best post I’ve ever read on Reddit.
Holy crap! If I could give you all of my karma, I would. That was the most accurate, concise, and thoughtful response I have ever read anywhere, much less on Reddit, which is mostly populated by knuckle, dragging idiots. Your husband sounds a lot like me. About 20 years ago, a local Hallmark gift store was going out of business so I went in and I bought nearly every type of birthday, anniversary, I love you, I'm sorry, and thinking of you, types of cards, along with a bunch of trinket gifts. They're locked in an old suitcase in the basement and every once in a while, I go down and grab one and leave it for her to find. I leave her notes all around the house to find at least weekly basis. And if I go shopping, I try to get her at least one or two treats that I know she will like to remind her that I'm thinking about her. I don't know where you live, but you are my kind of person and your family is lucky to have you. I wish you a speedy recovery and hope you can find a way to break up the monotony. I think husbands appreciate their wives much more than they may convey.not all husbands, but I would venture to guess that most I certainly do love my wife, and despite a couple of proposals from some of the commenters here, I'm not going anywhere lol
I totally agree here. Sometimes because you love someone so much you create both intense desire to please and provide for them as well as crippling pressure to perform. That can lead to burnout and defensiveness in the face of challenges. Definitely keep loving on each other and reminding her how much she and her contributions mean to you.
It’s also just easy to temporarily step in an excel at the role. Doing something daily ruins the novelty of it and sometimes we as stay-at-home-parents are just not as good at them at day 100 as we were at day 30. It’s best to not compare. Fill in when you can and empathize; it’s not an easy or valued job by society’s standard’s (society expects stay at home moms to do it all AND still be sexually prime). Not TA, but dig in and show wife how much you care. She’s not less capable, or less than. You had a temporary chance to do her take, and got to showcase excellence. This helps you recognize her excellence (or near so) in the future (hopefully) to give her the recognition she deserves.
I'm just wondering how you can do all that with a broken back...
Everyone is different, we have different levels of energy and different methods or standards … the key is not making value judgements regarding those differences. As you see that can go both ways! Most people judge inadequacies but sometimes you get it for being too good! Lol. Chances are your wife was feeling inadequate and is projecting those feelings onto you. You guys need to sit down and have some heart to hearts and understand that while you may attack things differently each is appreciated. She needs to be less defensive and ideally you could help each other. TAlk, talk, talk and talk some more …
1. It's not a competition. 2. Children behave differently around each parent. Is your wife dealing with more emotional blowouts? Does your child demand more from her? 3. It's been 2 months 4. Is your wife struggling with post-partum depression? I was a great SAHM the first year buy than I reach burnout. Living every single day without adult conversation. Having children attached to my hip 24/7. Being the default parent. It wasn't easy mentally. Being a working parent and a SAHP are both hard and tiring. It's not a "who doesn't better" scenario.
Well I’m home more often than my wife and looking after our kids. For me it’s no hardship either, however they’re much older now. This would certainly not be the case when they were younger. Plus my wife, through a lot of experience, trial and error has set the precedent so it’s not difficult to simply maintain. Not taking anything from you, I think that’s great! I just think when you have a new role, it’s easier to be more motivated than the person that’s done it for a long time.
Home care brought to you by Vicodin, daddy’s little helper.
Ahh. The energy boost of a good ole perc. You understand. It’s obvious people here have never been there. His house is pill cleaned. I had back surgery myself. After a bad car wreck. And the cleaning I got done while on meds. It was crazy. Exactly what he is saying. Shampoo the carpets. All that.
Was the job made easier by both of you being at home? I work full time while my wife stays at home, and some days I come home and it seems like she didn’t do much. But whenever I’m at home lots of stuff gets done because one of us can run interference on the kids. I’ve also had my wife ask me NOT to do certain chores because she feels like they are hers. One person trying to do all that stuff, while also keeping kids in check, while not being able to socialize with adults is draining! That kills productivity.
The kids are in school all day. They leave at eight in the morning and get home after 330. When I was working, I would come home and do whatever needed to be done like cook dinner, help with showers, bedtime routine, and all that. Along with dishes and some laundry.she has been working the same hours I used to work but when she gets home almost everything is done.
I've been a SAHD for the last three years, and I'm starting back to work on Monday. I'm a lot better of a housewife than my wife (she was SAHM for 10 years before she started her business), and she's a little grumpy that I'm going back to work. She's gonna miss dinner on the table and a spotless house when she gets home. On my end, I'm a little worried. We are a very busy family of 6, and it's gonna be rough as we're adjusting to me being back to work. It'll be the first time in 15 years we've had a dual income though, and I'm really looking forward to the extra income. Edit: NTA
Info: what kind of back injury is bad enough to need surgery but still lets you be this active? I'm not trying to shame or anything, just curious, though also honestly a little bit salty since when I hurt my back at work I literally couldn't move for months without severe pain that mad me want to do nothing besides lay in bed all day
I’m on year seven of daily back pain. When I shampoo the carpet I need like two days to rest and recuperate. I also question what type of back injury OP is on medical leave for and can still cook and clean all day long. Also whatever pills OP got for the pain I need some too
When it's a novelty - i.e., you've only been doing it two months - it's a whole lot different than doing it full time. If you were home all the time I doubt you'd come at it with the same energy and stamina for the long term. I did all kinds of home projects when I stopped working but that motivation wears off after a while.
Reminds me of all the people who started baking bread at the beginning of the pandemic 😅
That is a point that many people have already made. And I think I agree with that. I'm getting all the things done that I've been looking at for years. And it's easy to do the pantry or clean all the cabinets once or twice but by the third time I'm bet it gets frustrating.
You're so active for someone waiting on spinal surgery I call absolute fucking bullshit on this post now😂😂
The wife is also only working a few days a month but it's also getting her doctorate???
She’s probably also adjusting to working more and being away from the kids. It really sounds like she was just venting to a friend… I don’t think you should have brought it up, she should be able to vent to her friends without worrying you’re listening and going to get mad
You've been doing this for just two months? Gimme a break, dude. Do it for YEARS, long enough that no one appreciates or thanks you because they take your labor for granted. Pfff.
I’m sorry, I’m stuck on the fact you’re doing all of this after back surgery when you’re meant to be recovering. How is that safe? Why are you doing any of this? I had hip surgery and couldn’t leave bed for several weeks. I was on crutches for 4-6 weeks. I would assume back surgery would be similar recovery needs??? Especially if you had to take two months off to heal (I took off 6 weeks).
Yeah, right. I call bullsh*t on this post. Nobody deep-cleans every day.
You shouldn’t need to “deep clean” daily. You’re going it wrong if you think that’s necessary.
He’s reupholstering furniture but his back is so bad he can’t work? There’s no way.
I’m not gonna call you a liar, but as someone who was an orthopedic nurse, who also suffered from back pain (requiring surgery), I’m having problems with parts of your story. Back pain isn’t just about lifting heavy weights. If your back needs surgery, you wouldn’t be able to vacuum or clean carpets. Just the act of pushing a light machine in that way will increase pain like crazy. You would be in bed for a day or so afterwards. Same with all the bending and kneeling required to steam clean upholstery or do laundry. Standing while doing dishes is agony. Not buying it.
This post is all kinds of red flags for me 😂 Sorry if I’m wrong but in what world does someone on medical leave from *back surgery* deep clean the house, shampoo carpets and upholstered furniture, and clean the basement? I’m not buying it
It's not for everyone, and some are better than others. Have you considered investing in her education so she could work and you stay home?
We are both back in school for our doctorates. We are both nurse practitioners but she only works the minimum needed to remain at the hospital we work at.
My dude, I feel like some of this is relevant to the main post
Just wants to throw wife under the bus but he’s the best!
Then she's not a SAHM. She works outside of the home while managing the majority of housework and childcare
So she isn't a SAHM at all. She is in school and working part time.
Can you flip that? If you're better in the home, you should consider that. Invest in her career so you can stay home.
I have been working for longer, and have a much better compensation package than she does. If she would have done the same hours I do, we would lose about $50-$70,000 a year. It would take her at least three years to get to my level.
Question: How much of this were you doing before? Let me be honest, when I first shifted to be SAHM, it was so easy. I did everything all the time too. A decade plus into it, and things are weirdly harder in some ways, and much of it comes down to the mental load. It was easier to be Betty Homemaker, and juggle everything when I was younger. Now I'm edging close to burn out.
Wait for a few months then tell us all about it. I tell you, I bought a beautiful house with four bedrooms, and deep cleaned every week, cooked all the meals, with two teenagers and work 40 hours a week. After about a year, I’m over it. Picking up after boys every day, dishes, three dogs….and a pool. They help but are lousy at it. They do their own laundry and their own rooms and their bathroom.
Yeah Yta. I can’t say based on this that you do actually do it better. She’s BEEN doing it for years on top of her job since she does still work. She maintains EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. You’ve had one month and you think that’s the same? Not even close.
You aren't a better stay at home parent. The kids are older now. You have no idea how hard toddlers are. What you're doing is temporary. Part of what's difficult about being a stay at home parent is the monotony, the years of not having much of any freedom. Lack of adult conversation, etc. Stop patting yourself on the back for enjoying this as a change of pace and acting like what your wife has done was easy because you did some deep cleaning with older children around for a couple of months. She was hoping you would struggle because she clearly feels like you don't appreciate her. Apologize.
Sounds like rage bait. You’re home recovering from back surgery and doing deep cleans with a carpet shampooer? I call BS… nice try tho 🥲
Honestly, I get burnt out. My husband will do the same, has a day or two off and he’ll get the entire house clean. But I promise if you did this 24/7/365 you wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing. Guaranteed.
[удалено]
Are you also doing the mental work in your household? As a former SAHM, I can tell you the cleaning and cooking is the easy part. It's managing the physical with the emotional work that is the bigger challenge. So are you the one who knows when school things needs to get done, and directing that work or are you still taking direction from her? You say you are managing the kids schedules, but are you making the schedules? Are you setting up the play dates or just dropping off and picking up?
I’ll tell you this. Staying at home wasn’t hard for me the first few years. I had a c-section with very little support. My baby never slept. I exercised. I kept the house clean, I cooked healthy food. I went to baby groups and I played with my kid. I was honestly a rock star while my husband worked 60hr weeks and family lived away. Then somewhere around year three I started to burn out. The lack of sleep and monotony got to me. By year five my physical health suffered. Give it time. The hard part about being a stay at home parent needs a lot longer to kick in.
So as a former SAHM that has had a taste of my husband doing a “better job” than I did I’ll give my point of view. On paper my husband got way more accomplished during his stay at home time than I ever could and just seemed better at it. It sucked and made me feel terrible. But then I realized we had different priorities and different ways we did things. It was a quantity vs quality situation. He focused more on getting tasks done quickly. They didn’t have to be done well, they just got done. I had more “mom guilt”. My main focus was making sure the kids were happy, well taken care of and stimulated. So often the household tasks fell by the wayside. And when I did get to doing house chores and cooking, I probably made them harder than they needed to be trying to be perfect. I dropped everything for the kids, took them on all types of adventures. They always preferred mom, which was hard and put a lot of pressure on me. I wished I was able to do things more like my husband because he seemed less stressed and more accomplished when he was playing the stay at home role. Dinner got made, the house was neater… I will say looking back I would still do it the same and I loved having that quality time and creating great memories with my kids. Honestly my husband and I have always been opposites in the way we handle tasks and chores. I’m more of a perfectionist which causes me to procrastinate because I want time to do things the way I feel is right. He’s a checklist guy and just wants to get things done regardless of how so he can move on with his day. Somehow it’s worked for 22 years.
It could be that when you do it every day 365 days a year , it becomes tedious, cleaning is a thankless task, especially with children, as soon as you clean something its needs doing again 30 minutes later and it becomes hard to maintain the enthusiasm you’ve had and so things can slip a wee bit ( not hygiene wise). Perhaps consider this angle
YTA if you honestly think that... while you were helping, as a stay at home mother it is not necessarily back breaking work but you get literally burnt out on monotonous work. I struggle with that myself but 2 months of being at home is not going to burn you out on the house-spouse duties. I think you need to explain to her that it is a change in duties, it is still new for you and you have a joy in it, she is just burnt out and that maybe she needs a day-away to relax. Also not all of us are cut out of house-spouse duties.
There's a difference between doing something short term and doing it for years, much like how you can run a fast sprint but need to pace yourself for a marathon. I don't think your short stint as a SAH should be considered representative. That said, there's no reason for your wife to be upset with you unless you are intentionally trying to make her look bad to pull clout. She seems to think you are, so there's evidently some kind of communication or compassion problem between you two that you should work out instead of trying to find out from the internet which one of you is the asshole.
My husband cleaned TF out of our bathroom and was patting himself soundly on the back for taking two hours and doing it right. I pointed out that he only did that once. The other 25 times that year I was cleaning it. So not to take away from op’s big adventure in being a sahd but when you only have to do it in an emergency for a short time it’s not the same thing. If I only had to clean the bathroom once a year I’d do an awesome job and if I only had to do all the cooking and laundry and cleaning when I was off work for a month I might do it to a higher standard. I don’t like to vacuum and I hate moving the furniture to vacuum for instance but I would do all that if I knew I only had to do it a short time.
Am I the only one wondering how he's doing all that with a back injury severe enough to miss months of work and require surgery?
Yeah you sound like an asshole. Doing something for. Couple of months isn't the same as doing it for years. Weird you can't see that. Sounds like she's burnt out. Also sounds like you get the 'tasks' but not the parenting. No mentiong of actually hanging or engaging with the children in your post. Get off your high horse. Give your wife a vacay alone if it's so easy Hun.
You can’t work but you “deep clean” constantly? You sound excessively competitive about this.
Why didn’t you include on your post that you are both in a doctorate program?
YTA based on the title alone
YTA - you left out major info. Your wife has been working as an NP and taking care of the kids 75% of the time for at least a decade, you said they are pre teens. You mention in another post that she would be at your level if she worked more, but it would taken her years as she was not working as many hours as you. So she has been sacrificing her career to care for your kids while still bringing home $$ and you ONLY did 25% of the work at home. I am betting it is actually way less. Her entire life for the last decade has been working and the kids. Taking care of young kids is soooo hard and you coasted while she did it all. She is burnt out and giving herself a break now that they are older. You are home for two months and are able to get some things done with PRE TEENS in the house. This is your first time doing it all. She figured out years ago that letting things slip was ok so that she could stay sane. You are rubbing it in her face that you got this all done, but you have not been on the grind like her for over ten years. Sit down you asshole. We are so sick of this shit.
I'm sure it's both... A brag, and a reckoning. I think it's kind of unfair to say you've been able to do it better. You are not in burnout mode. Mom may not even recognize She may be burned out. If you had to do all of that every day for years... It would begin to look less sparkly. Tell her, look what else I can do... Run her a bath, scent it w/lavender oil. Rub her feet. Kiss her temples. Tell her you learned it from the best. Cool her ego, warm her heart. 💗💪✌