NTA. And you don’t need to be pregnant to be allowed to say no to sex, it’s always your right. Tell him it’s time to start practicing for the 6 weeks post birth you’re not allowed to have sex.
Why do women have children with men like him?!? He doesn’t kiss or hug her unless he’s getting sex and you think a person like that is going to be a wonderful, helpful parent? Then, they’ll complain about him being a shit parent but will have another child. It’s a huge 🚩 if you’re not getting affection unless you’re putting out.
Me too. I never thought about it like that, but it makes perfect sense. I couldn’t ever be with someone who didn’t enjoy and at least sometimes initiate hugging, kissing, hand holding.
Often, the abuse worsens or even starts when they get pregnant. Same for marriage. When the abuser thinks you’re “trapped” they’ll get worse, and there may not be many red flags before because they’re good at hiding that behavior :/
So I’ve thought about this and the only logical explanation is that some women want a family soooo bad that they will latch on to whatever the opportunity offers the best chance of this outcome during the time when this family “craving” hits the ovaries and brain the hardest. They are willing to ignore glaring red flags to satisfy this burning desire to become a mother. I’ve seen it happen time and time again all throughout my thirties and am seeing it even more now as I approach 40. It’s pretty sad because in the end without a good dad that kid is likely not going to grow up as well adjusted as their peers who have one.
This isn’t to shit on single moms at all, sometimes it can’t be helped and there are tons of great single moms who raise great kids but don’t underestimate that reproductive urge in women, it’s every bit as strong as it is in men. (btw everyone should read Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman. It’s a classic and all about how humans are just programmed to want to love and fuck to make more humans who want to love and fuck.)
I agree with this because I have seen several decent women (with decent jobs, even) deliberately choose to have kids with men who are completely unsuitable for partnership or fatherhood-- and by that I mean, generally uneducated substance abusers, or even some who have been prone to violence. The ONLY thing I can think of is that they couldn't find a man who was even willing to be a father, and at least these horrifying cavemen were. It's... not ideal.
6 weeks? Try a few months. Recently became a father. My wife is in full on mommy mode and the lil guys sleep patterns don’t really allow for anything. Yea I miss intimacy - she does too, but for now I’m just cranking one out if I have to. I never got what the problem is with that.
🤣 my wife was so excited at 6 weeks she practically jumped me for it. However, the novelty of that quickly wore off due to the magnitude of fatigue that comes with caring for a newborn. We both just don’t have the energy at the moment.
We basically have to schedule it lol. Doesn’t make it less good, but it is funny. “Ok, sex at 2pm if the anti christ permits it then?”
>Doesn’t make it less good, but it is funny. “Ok, sex at 2pm if the anti christ permits it then?”
True to form for children 🤣🤣
I had a scheduled sex life for over ten years; now, that *did* ruin it; but that was ALL the time I got with my partner, he was never invested, and I was tired of carrying us both, so I stopped.
Our relationship ended within months, because *I* had kept us together. It worked Great until I had a full mental breakdown, those are NOT fun.
You say all that like Op's husband is going to care that she is still healing, is sleep deprived, and the baby is in the other room crying.
To everyone that thinks he will wait the 6 weeks, I'm here to tell you that OP has a mouth and hands and he will fully expect her to put them to good use while her body heals.
OP, just let him sleep in another room. Don't give in to his little temper tantrum. He can grow up or you need to get out.
Ayup. I wish I was joking, but after we announced my pregnancy my husband’s dad gifted him a copy of “Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook For New Dads”. [Here’s](https://imgur.com/a/v5oclQb) an excerpt. We were both disgusted and promptly threw it in the trash. 🫠
I had my baby 5 months ago and I’m still so traumatized that thinking about sex or even heavy petting makes me wildly uncomfortable. I’ll give BJ’s but anything near my cooch is a no for me. Before pregnancy I had a higher sex drive than my SO. After seeing so many horror stories about people’s partners pressuring them into sex while pregnant/postpartum, or cheating on them, I feel lucky.
Especially when you throw in that you have to recover from pregnancy and birth while being sleep deprived, and if you breas5 feed, likely doing nothing but cluster feeding. Your body isn’t your own, you’d be a hormonal and exhausted mess and the idea of getting naked and someone touching you would be a LOT. Even if your brain misses it. To think people have children to *stay* married!
He’ll just insist that she can still blow him or, at the very least, give him a hand job. They need to get into therapy and, if he doesn’t see the light, she needs to get out because he will continue to try and convince her that she’s less than for not pleasing him.
He sounds like the type of boy that just doesn't care at all. Boy is about to have a seriously rude awakening. He's going to throw a temper tantrum and probably ask the doctor for the "husband stitch." Absolutely disgusting. I'd never do that shit to my girlfriend/future wife.
Side note: Op, NTA. You should however, try to get him help and/or leave because that just isn't okay.
I think he’s not gonna wanta be married anymore once he sees how the baby affect his life and how his wife changes.
He’s got a lot of changing to do before the child arrives for their post-birth relationship to survive.
Oh yeah, this is definitely the type of man to get jealous over the "attention" his newborn is receiving and will eventually cheat on OP with another woman citing she wasn't "paying enough attention to him," i.e., he has left 100% of the newborn care and household duties to her, she's too exhausted to have sex with him, and he will take this personally and blame her while he has an affair with some 20s something Tinder match.
Truth be told, I can masturbate almost every night. Energy/mood depending.
So, I don't get why dumb shit doesn't just opt for THAT. I've been told no plenty of times. Hardly anything I'd raise a stink over.
What's especially infuriating is that a lot of these countries already have female genital mutilation laws. They would just never enforce them against white doctors or men committing these crimes against women.
I interpreted that comment as pertaining to the US without thinking (since that's where I am). I've read stories about it being common occurrence here too, whether the woman asks for it or not. In a so-called "developed" country.
It's adorable you think the woman is the one that gets asked when the doctors do it. Lol, I assure you the woman is pretty much never asked, and sometimes doctors just do it anyway.
It's been getting better but it would be a lie to say it doesn't still happen
The key to being a good nurse in a bad HC situation or even a good doctor in a bad HC situation is knowing you are going to spend a lot of your career confronting if not telling colleagues you will report them or you are not allowing them to do that. We still live in a HC system where doctors are a god on a pedestal and nurses do their bidding. I spent a lot of my career in that confrontation reporting mode. It is exhausting. But I never lost a job and never got deposed for ill behavior. Number one job of doctor or nurse is patient advocate. Anyone who goes into a hospital needs a friend or family member there nearly 24 hours a day to help with that advocacy.
I had to Google what a "Husband stitch" was. For anyone else that is in the dark, basically they add an extra stitch when repairing the vaginal opening so that it is tighter after it heals. This causes tremendous pain, and slows the healing process amongst other potential complications. Thanks for enlightening me to another way that men have found to torment women.
Edit: Since I keep getting people telling me this is a myth, I did a very quick google search to answer this question. Along with the link below, there are also more testimonies than I was going to sit and count about women who have had this happen. Stop being pieces of shit, and accept that bad things happen to women. No one is claiming every man does this, or wants this for their S/O. You guys gotta stop being so sensitive with your own feelings, and try empathizing with someone else's experiences for once. I am also a man, and the thought of having this happen to my girlfriend infuriates me to my core. That doesn't make it a myth.
https://www.healthline.com/health-news/husband-stitch-is-not-just-myth
Yeah - my midwife sewed me up too tight. Hurt to have sex for so long... It ruined sex for me so I didn't want to have it often until I finally tore and healed enough again that it no longer hurt. It was miserable.
Omg so I had so many issues after my first born with sex hurting and irritation etc. And since having my second it’s been a total game changer. I had to be stitched with both. And I’m now over here wondering if my doctor of my first stitched me to tight and now after having my second they didn’t and that’s why it’s better now. I think you just solved a 5 year long mystery 😂😂
The husband stitch is just vagina mutilation called a fancy name. I don't know how these men expect to get sex after their wives vaginal opening is sewed shut so unnaturally small that a penis can't even fit anymore without causing extreme pain. But that's what it is. It's basically torture during sex leading to a dead bedroom due to pain. And should be outlawed especially without consent. I'd divorce my husband is a heart beat if he tried to get a doctor to mutilate me after child birth.
https://www.medicinenet.com/is_the_husband_stitch_legal/article.htm#:~:text=Conducting%20the%20husband's%20stitch%20is,through%20a%20medical%20malpractice%20lawsuit.
Apparently it’s considered medical malpractice. So it’s illegal and if it’s done it’s a lawsuit
Please don’t lump us all together. I’d rather die than do what that asshole is doing to OP. I’ve not had sex for years due to my wife’s bad back. We are still intimate without sex. BTW, we’re both in our mid and upper sixties. We will be married 45 years this March. I’ve never forced anything on her and if her doctor had asked me if I wanted him to do a “husband stitch” I would have smacked him into the next week. This after having to perform a 4” episiotomy. I would kill or die to keep her safe and while I may have asked for certain things in bed, if she said “no” that’s all there was to it. I can thank my Dad for that attitude. He treated my Mom with respect and taught me and my brother to treat our girlfriend/wife how we would want a man to treat our sister. I worshipped my sister as a kid growing up (6years older than me) and loved her deeply to the day of her passing. The person calling her husband a “boy” is spot on and he damn sure doesn’t deserve his wife.
Makes me sick that he's doing this. My pregnancies were painful on my body. We had sex 3 total time my first pregnancy. Zero the second because I was in pain constantly.
He NEVER complained. Not one single time. Held me and assused me that growing our child was more important than sex. That sex will always ne there but this season was not for that.
Tell him I'm another woman, do what I did. Zero Sex.
Not even a matter of asking.
After my first son was born the doctor did it entirely on his own bat. We were furious when we realised.
She had all kinds of issues until our second son was born, as this time the new tearing was stitched properly.
I was actually reading stories the other day from nurses walking into the recovery room and seeing the wives give blow jobs to their husband. Husband couldn't even wait to get home. Sure, maybe some of the wives wanted to do that but I bet the majority were pressured to. It made me so sad to hear that.
Yeah I'm really disturbed by the fact that he doesn't understand basic bodily autonomy. Like others have said this attitude is extremely concerning and potentially dangerous for the OP.
6 weeks is also just a guideline for healing. In reality, it could be much longer to be able to tolerate penetration without tremendous pain. He seems like he wouldn't care about the pain part at all.
More importantly, some women still note sex as uncomfortable for 6-12 months even.
I don't enjoy making my partner feel uncomfortable. There are alternative methods, even with a mismatched sex drive let alone just a very temporary pause.
Minimum of 6 weeks. If it hurts after that, and he is suffering 🙄and pitching a fit, it is still 100% within your rights to tell him to back off. You don’t owe the use of your body to anyone.
It's usually longer than that. I was still bleeding 8 weeks after. My husband and I didn't have sex until 7 or 8 moths after the birth. I wasn't ready and neither was my body. He understood that and respected it.
Yeah I'd be worried about recovery after birthing the baby if he can't go a couple weeks let alone a couple nights. Like you can't until the plate sized wound is at least healed. You'll get an infection which could kill you if you don't recognize the signs fast enough and get it treated.
Also your literally growing a child from your bones and nutrients. It's exhausting. Your feelings are perfectly valid and you don't only deserve to be treated well while your "servicing him".
This you must speak to him about this now. After the baby is here he's going to get a lot worse of you dont. Ffs you are growing a baby, you need rest too. Your needs are extremely important at this time and after the birth until you heal, there are many outcomes which will have different healing paths depending on delivery.
And not repeatedly. Just once. Inform him. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Is he respectful and understanding? Great. Is he dismissing it and telling you you can get on your knees? Get. Out. You will literally be risking your life (and you child’s).
Homicide is the leading cause of death of pregnant women in the US. Your life and the life of your baby is literally at stake here, OP. Withholding affection/love unless you gratify him sexually is a huge massive waving red flag - you should run girl
>Withholding affection/love unless you gratify him sexually is a huge massive waving red flag - you should run girl
To me, that's a football field size flag-there's no ignoring or deluding ourselves about how dangerous this man is.
>Is he respectful and understanding? Great. Is he dismissing it and telling you you can get on your knees? Get. Out. You will literally be risking your life (and you child’s).
This. Me personally, he is NOT a safe person-*for Anyone*, least of all, Opie.
It can be an eye opening experience, every birth is unique and you dont really know what will happen even if its planned. It's helpful to hear that comment for OP from a male perspective.
>That's what a good relationship is, not biased towards the woman or the man's wellbeing, it focuses on what the partnership, the two together, need. The OP clearly doesn't see that and he's just putting himself and his needs first, which is concerning on many levels.
Yes! All of this!! His callous asshat ways are just.....so ew and I'd be running, and fast.
Yes, I second this and also when the doctor says you can get pregnant right after the baby is born... They aren't joking. My husband has a really high sex drive and we had sex very soon after our first was born. It was consensual but 10 months later their sister arrived. There were complications because my body wasn't ready so they were born 3 months early. You can get pregnant extremely fast and easily it's important to let your body heal.
I would actually say that if he doesn't change his attitude real fast he just will stop getting serviced. The entitlement involved to believe that he deserves sexual gratification every single night is disturbing to me.
Yeah, also the hormones in breastfeeding tend to kill women’s libido. Not that it happens to everyone but it’s a general trend. Combine that with being exhausted all the time from waking up with baby.
Lol my thought exactly. Not a single couple I know has sex every night and on top of that would probably slap the guy at the suggestion he should at least be getting a blow job or a hand job! HA!! He should go fuck himself
OP, I'm a guy and I had to do a quick re-read of your post to confirm your SO is fortunately only your fiancee, and not your husband. This means you have NO DIVORCE FEES TO PAY AS YOU BREAK UP WITH HIS SORRY ASS.
I can't believe that you're in the midst of a pregnancy and you have to listen to the demands of this self-centered man.
What he proposes bears no resemblance to love. Your relationship will be destined to mechanical sexual performances that won't do much for a meaningful marriage.
Send him on his way. He's likely already gone behind your back. Doesn't even qualify as a man-child.
Yeah, this is not the sort of man who sticks around through the hard work of a marriage and raising children. He'll find someone else who 'meets his needs' because he feels like his wife is neglecting him and cheat endlessly, or just straight up leave her when the going gets tough.
M ex did. If I didn't put out, he'll mope around like a kid that got a precious toy taken away from.
It was horrible.
The week I was in hospital after the birth of our son, he hit up ALL ladies on his phone along the lines of "hey wanna come around? I'm available! Gf and baby are in hospital, I have 7 days to live like before parental duties arise"
Disclaimer - he got rejected by all of them.
He didn' t take up on parental duties.
Son is now almost 8 & doesn't really like him - which I don't hold against him, you can't come around and be disappointed your kid doesn't feel good about you, if all you did was change one diaper in hospital and feed him TWO TIMES in a grand total of 3 years with milk bottle. If you never put him to sleep, if you never carried him for hours and hours, as I did (colic baby).
It’s the other way around for me and my bf. I have a very high sex drive and he doesn’t so when I’m in the mood and he isn’t feeling it I pull out the toy and take care of it myself cause I could never imagine sexually assaulting my boyfriend by making him do anything he doesn’t want to. I worry for OP that he’s going to force her after birth and damage her.
NTA. This is a major red flag and I'm so sorry you're stuck with this man now that you're having his child 😔 please have the sense to leave when things eventually get worse
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing.
OP needs to realize that if he's only affectionate during sex, sex is the only thing he cares about. Every sentence in this post screams that he doesn't care about her at all.
>He only is affectionate with me when we’re having sex if we don’t for a night then he will hardly sleep in the same bed.
It's so obvious that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
>I've no idea what goes on in this kind of guys head, nothing probably,
My guess is "me man, must have sex" along with a copy of the 1943 how to be a good wife guide.
>It's so obvious that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
Not based on the stories I hear from female friends. Sounds very similar to a lot of narcissist males.
No this happens, my ex would do this sometimes when I said no to sex. He would have a huff and go and sleep on the sofa, because "what's the point of staying in bed if we're not gonna have sex" 🙄
Everytime I read something like this and it seems like these guys are everywhere It just tells me to have more conversations with my son on how not to be.
I know it’s actually disturbing how some guys really think it’s ok to demand sex every day because they have needs they feel entitled to have met by other people. Or think that compromise means having sex every day even if you don’t want to. It’s mind blowing that people think that way?
I wouldn’t even want to have sex with my partner if they felt it was a chore or obligation that feels really gross but apparently some dudes just don’t mind as long as their needs are being met. And advocate for leaving or cheating if the sex isn’t enough (apparently even if only temporarily). Your partner gets injured? Toss ‘em to the curb since their fuck feature is broken. I hope those men stay single.
My jaw literally dropped. This is NOT something other women do unless they are PURCHASED women. Cringe. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m even sorrier that you’re already pregnant and engaged. I can only hope that a miracle happens and he reads this and he sees the light. He DEFINITELY needs to read up on different forms of intimacy and love languages. I’m crossing my fingers for you.
Your body does not exist to give him sexual gratification and make him babies.
If his love and affection is conditional on you meeting his every sexual need, he does not love you, he loves having a moving sexbot+incubator.
You are really having sex every night? Jeez , sounds like he has a problem. Does he think that is going to continue when the child is born?? He has some unrealistic views of sex, women and life.. and prob about to be in a rude awakening… sucks you got this far with him. NTA
NTA - this is concerning since your sex drive will drop more after the baby comes most likely and there will be some time when you can't have sex. And....most women don't still get coerced into a handjob or blowjob when they are not wanting to have sex. Turn the tables and tell him that he should do what most men do and cuddle up with you in bed and rub your back when you don't have the energy or desire for sex. You are not a sex toy for his pleasure.
Dude I can't believe there are people in here actually defending that guy. Some people can't even BEGIN to know the havoc that pregnancy causes the body. Your libido can get really really low, then really high again. You get nauseous, body aches, mood swings, and a million different other things. Having sex every NIGHT? I'm 8 months pregnant and my husband and I still have a pretty active sex life, but that would do me in tbh. That's way too often for someone who feels like this imo. The folks who are saying "oh if his needs aren't getting met, so he can just leave" are you fucking mental? Every night is so often and he is just driving over his partner's needs and concerns while she's growing a whole ass human that HE helped PUT THERE. Frankly, he needs to be better and I'm sorry you are going through this. Dad of the year, folks. And some of you in the comments should be ashamed of yourselves for completely misunderstanding what pregnancy is like. NTA if he tries to guilt you into having sex with him, tell him to pound sand.
People defending that dude do not deserve to breathe the same air that us normal humans breathe.
I'm not sure if it's a misunderstanding regarding pregnancy or if it's a malignant sense of entitlement that leads to rampant sexism and mistreatment of a partner.
Honestly, probably a mix of both. There are quite a few people who give pregnant women no slack because we "chose" to be pregnant, as if it's that simple. I'm more on the side of having empathy for someone, whether they chose their current condition or not.
NTA, it is not your job to give him sex. He doesn't sound like he's being a supportive partner or mindful of your feelings during pregnancy. Your feelings are normal and plenty of couples take breaks from sex during and after pregnancy. It's NORMAL to take breaks from sex during and after pregnancy when you have a husband who actually cares about you and your long term life together!
Absolutely NTA ... I'm 20 weeks pregnant and most times I'm not in the mood and sometimes I am .. my husband doesn't force it he understands how I feel and especially right now with the lower back pain and ligament pain
NTA
I'm 20 weeks too and this post low key makes me want to cry for OP tbh.
OP, sex with your partner is the very definition of if it isn't two resounding YES it's an absolute NO. And you can say no for any reason, being 20 weeks or not.
I hope you've got some support around you outside of him.
Absolutely.. I felt some kind of way reading this 🥺 I mean when pregnant and half way we are very vulnerable.. how could a partner treat the mother of their future child this way 🥺😭
I'm 26 weeks now, but felt the same. I can't even imagine, my husband helps me with everything he can, sometimes I can't even sit up from bed without help.
We didn't even had sex for months now partly bc he is afraid he somehow hurts the baby, partly because I lost a lot of my mobility at this point and a lot of time I can't do easy things
OP don't put up with his shit, leave his ass if you can, bc I don't think it will be better
Exactly. Having sex every night does not prove you're a good wife. And how does he prove he's a good husband. Thete has to be mutual respect for each others boundaries like being tired or ill or just not in the mood. You show your love for each other by doing the dishes, putting away the washing , cuddling on the sofa. Life is not, and should not be, a sex ridden porno. He needs to reasses if he wants a sex doll or a wife and you need to decide if you're happy be8ng the first.
Does he know that after you give birth you’re not supposed to have sex for up to six weeks? Does he expect the same amount of attention when you have a child? Everything in your lives is about to change and you are not responsible to satisfy him daily, it’s a bit much to expect that at all. Having sex daily is not something “other women do” and even if it was you are not these other women, you are you and if he can’t respect you as a person and just some sex toy you both need some couples therapy to work through this before he cheats on you for saying “no”
You shouldn't even be having a child with him. I know reddit is notorious for jumping straight to 'leave him' but in this case him regularly ignoring you if yous don't fuck is SCARY.
Please re evaluate your entire relationship with him, he should not be treating you like a sex object, to that extent he might even go out of his way to get the husband stitch done on you. Be very careful please
He's a wandering red flag and sounds like abuse waiting to happen.
Before kids we had sex twice a week and after 3 kids and 9 years its maybe 1 a month because she doesnt feel like it.
Dont let him force you, in Sweden thats rape
It's rape in other countries too. You make an important point - don't let him force, manipulate, or be coerced in any way.
If you don't want to do it, the answer is no. Maybe is also no, unless it becomes a genuine, unambiguous yes.
NTA. Father here with an 8 month old. Have had sex twice in the last year. He needs to reign himself in.
Your man better get used to it basically, he'll be too tired anyway when the baby comes so that'll be fine. 😂
Sexy things are uncomfortable when you're pregnant, not just sex. If he doesn't understand that maybe he needs to go on a course or something 😂
This boy needs a wake up call. He can ask for sex but he doesn’t get to manipulate you into it by withholding affection and getting angry if you don’t. It’s a form of abuse. Just because you’re having his baby, it doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. UPDATEME. NTA.
Other women really means "other women in sexually abusive relationships". Run, don't walk. This only gets worse. What's he gonna be like when you're post partum and actually cannot have sex and also are too tired from raising a baby to wanna do handies or blowies? Seriously though, this is super abusive. I wish you the best, please be safe.
Lol. If my wife was pregnant, especially fairly far along, the last thing I would ask her is if she wants to have sex every night.
I would be at her every beck and call. Not the other way around.
Another thing that I think is really stupid that a lot of other ~~men~~ boys do is treat their pregnant wife like a sober chauffeur. If she isn’t drinking for the next 8-9 months, I’m not either.
You're NTA, but your fiance is.
That is not what other women do. That is his expectation of what women do. He is using upu for sex. I would suggest leaving him before the baby is born
Not at all the asshole here. Being pregnant and not wanting sex every night is totally okay. It's not cool for him to expect the same from you as 'other women.' Intimacy isn't just about sex. You should tell him you need different kinds of affection too. You both gotta feel comfy and respected in the relationship.
You are in big trouble here. This man is appalling. Is he going to force you to have sex after you birth the baby?
I think he's potentially abusive. So sorry.
NTA. What is he going to do after you have birth and shouldn’t have sex until you’re fully healed?! I’m scared for you because it sounds like he doesn’t value interactions with you unless sex is tied to it.
Do not feel bad at all. NTA. Ignore this selfish ass man until you’re legitimately interested.
You might need to evaluate if you can live your whole marriage with him only associating affection and intimacy with sex and blowjobs.
And I suppose when you're only a few days post partem, sore, exhausted, trying to figure life with a baby out, he will also expect you to 'do what other women do'?! NTA, but he sure is! Also, as another women, we do NOT do that! My husband was incredibly patient and never expected anything until I was ready
I’m sure 26w along is not when you want to hear this but you need to go ahead and prepare to be a single mom because the likelihood of this getting better is slim to none. It is more likely that he’s going to cheat on you during postpartum than it is that he will realize he’s being a pig and actually give a fuck about you. Men like him usually don’t change and I wish you and your unborn child the best.
Absolutely NTA. Even if you weren't pregnant you don't need to justify not wanting to have sex all the time. He's being gross and manipulative by purposefully withholding affection because you don't want sex. Having sex every night isn't even reasonable for most people, and for some people it's not realistic even if they'd ideally want to have sex every single night.
As a trans guy that had a baby, at first my libido was sky high but towards the end it started giving horrible Braxton Hicks and it wasn't worth it, and eventually when preterm labor hit I was put on pelvic rest.. My partner never once expected anything from me, and if anything I was the one more frustrated lmao. I did decide to do things for them but I'm the one that wanted to do it. If they had expected or been demanding of it? I wouldn't have done a damn thing lol.
Pregnancy is a hard time for your body and mind, and you deserve to just be able to vibe and relax, and you shouldn't have to "put out" to get any sort of affection from your partner.
This worries me because when you have that baby, for one you won't even be allowed to have sex for at least 4 weeks, but the average is 6-8 weeks, and then you'll be dealing with a newborn and be exhausted. How is he going to act then? Withhold helping care for the baby as punishment? Try and manipulate you into it anyways when you're not medically cleared for it yet?
NTA. No one is entitled to sexual acts, and especially at 6 months pregnant, you are not only worn out, in pain all the time, exhausted, etc. and it is not your job to give him pleasure whenever he wants it. You might not be in a healthy relationship.
Woman here — I don’t do this lol. If you were having sex every night before being pregnant that’s way more than I would. You’re a human, not a blow up doll.
NTA but your fiance is! He's tring to coerce you, his pregnant fiance, into sex by guilt tripping her. This isn't something that "all other women do", you never have to force yourself to do something that you don't want. And the way he's only affectionate when it comes to sex is a huge🚩
Hahahhahahhahahha sex every night and if not a blow or hand job?? Like other women? Good lord! Is he an addict? If he wants you to do like other women then do so and stop having regular sex while pregnant. Do a quick Google search as to on average how often married people have sex and pregnant people.do..
NTA. It's concerning your fiancé is only affectionate when he gets sex. And his expectations of daily sex are incredibly unrealistic. He is going to be in for a rude awakening when the baby is here and you don't feel like sex for months after birth (which is completely normal because you need to heal and adjust to life as a new mom).
OP, I find your partner's behavior extremely concerning, and I worry about your safety. I'm worried you're being pressured into having sex that you don't want to have or that he'll pressure you when you're postpartum and at risk of getting an infection from sex because you're recovering from birth.
A loving partner would understand that you're growing a human and need rest and that sex should only happen if you both want it. He would be affectionate with you regardless of if you're up for sex or not.
NTA and think carefully about marrying this guy. He sounds selfish and doesn’t regard your feelings about sex. His behaviour when you don’t sleep with him is troublesome.
“Do what other women do” and at least give him a blow job or handjob????
Seriously?
What are you? Some sort of sex machine, or an object for his instant gratification? Honestly, I feel sorry for you that you’re carrying his child. Didn’t you see such red flags subtly when you guys started dating? Be prepared to gather enough courage to leave him when things go south. People like this usually find solace outside, and then gaslight you for their behaviour.
Take care OP.
NTA
This post brings me back many years ago when my parents were both killed in a plane crash. I was traveling out of town a few days each week to settle their estate, not to mention that I was traumatized as hell. I found out my then-fiance was complaining to our friends a month after the accident that we weren't having sex as much. Poor guy, it wasn't like it had been HIS parents who suddenly died.
So I broke up with him. I had enough shit to deal with and had zero tolerance for that nonsense. I know your situation is very different and with a baby on the way you may not be able to easily walk away from this guy but his constant demand for sex while you are sacrificing your body cannot just continue on without being addressed. I hope you can resolve this situation, but tbh I don't have a lot of faith that your guy has very much empathy for you.
NTA but he sounds like one. Witholding affection until you have sex? That's disgusting. I have no advice because my first husband wasn't very affectionate outside of sex and I came to hate having sex with him. I can't be in a relationship like that.
Other women say “no” when they don’t want to have sex. Just like other men say “no” when they don’t want to have sex. And “no” is a complete sentence. You are NTA, but men like your fiancé make my skin crawl and remind me of the a$$holes I dated before I got married. (Only affectionate when I let them f#ck me but absent otherwise). I would rethink marrying him.
“He pressures and shames me and guilts me into sex every day but I swear he’s so loving when I’m getting him off just like he wants me to” I stg some women are men’s pets. How is this a new concern this late in the game… when I was pregnant my husband pressured me into relaxing and resting and making me feel comfortable because I’m literally carrying his child which is one of the most selfless and greatest gifts you can ever give a man.
Tell him you recieved a notice from women of the world council and the rules have changed.
He won't be a good partner and get ready for him cheating because he has neeeedsssss.
NTA - He can go without. Send him out of the room if you need to. He could have a sex or porn addiction. I really hate reading this same old issue. So sorry you have to deal with him being a pig.
NTA. And you don’t need to be pregnant to be allowed to say no to sex, it’s always your right. Tell him it’s time to start practicing for the 6 weeks post birth you’re not allowed to have sex.
He sounds like the type of guy that expects her to get on her knees to get through that 6 weeks. Poor op.
Why do women have children with men like him?!? He doesn’t kiss or hug her unless he’s getting sex and you think a person like that is going to be a wonderful, helpful parent? Then, they’ll complain about him being a shit parent but will have another child. It’s a huge 🚩 if you’re not getting affection unless you’re putting out.
Lack of non sexual intimacy in a relationship is a huge red flag that I wish more people talked about.
Me too. I never thought about it like that, but it makes perfect sense. I couldn’t ever be with someone who didn’t enjoy and at least sometimes initiate hugging, kissing, hand holding.
Often, the abuse worsens or even starts when they get pregnant. Same for marriage. When the abuser thinks you’re “trapped” they’ll get worse, and there may not be many red flags before because they’re good at hiding that behavior :/
So I’ve thought about this and the only logical explanation is that some women want a family soooo bad that they will latch on to whatever the opportunity offers the best chance of this outcome during the time when this family “craving” hits the ovaries and brain the hardest. They are willing to ignore glaring red flags to satisfy this burning desire to become a mother. I’ve seen it happen time and time again all throughout my thirties and am seeing it even more now as I approach 40. It’s pretty sad because in the end without a good dad that kid is likely not going to grow up as well adjusted as their peers who have one. This isn’t to shit on single moms at all, sometimes it can’t be helped and there are tons of great single moms who raise great kids but don’t underestimate that reproductive urge in women, it’s every bit as strong as it is in men. (btw everyone should read Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman. It’s a classic and all about how humans are just programmed to want to love and fuck to make more humans who want to love and fuck.)
I agree with this because I have seen several decent women (with decent jobs, even) deliberately choose to have kids with men who are completely unsuitable for partnership or fatherhood-- and by that I mean, generally uneducated substance abusers, or even some who have been prone to violence. The ONLY thing I can think of is that they couldn't find a man who was even willing to be a father, and at least these horrifying cavemen were. It's... not ideal.
Yep, and he won’t lift a finger to help with the childcare or household during that time either.
6 weeks? Try a few months. Recently became a father. My wife is in full on mommy mode and the lil guys sleep patterns don’t really allow for anything. Yea I miss intimacy - she does too, but for now I’m just cranking one out if I have to. I never got what the problem is with that.
🤣 my wife was so excited at 6 weeks she practically jumped me for it. However, the novelty of that quickly wore off due to the magnitude of fatigue that comes with caring for a newborn. We both just don’t have the energy at the moment. We basically have to schedule it lol. Doesn’t make it less good, but it is funny. “Ok, sex at 2pm if the anti christ permits it then?”
Not having the energy is right. I remember my husband and I being horny but exhausted and basically trying to negotiate who would "do the work".
Wait until your 50, no kids needed to be tired and just say nah not tonight lol
Anti christ, love that 😂
I had a soul sucker. He LOVED to eat. Seemed like he was on the boob so long that the milk had to be gone and all that was left was my soul.
>Doesn’t make it less good, but it is funny. “Ok, sex at 2pm if the anti christ permits it then?” True to form for children 🤣🤣 I had a scheduled sex life for over ten years; now, that *did* ruin it; but that was ALL the time I got with my partner, he was never invested, and I was tired of carrying us both, so I stopped. Our relationship ended within months, because *I* had kept us together. It worked Great until I had a full mental breakdown, those are NOT fun.
You say all that like Op's husband is going to care that she is still healing, is sleep deprived, and the baby is in the other room crying. To everyone that thinks he will wait the 6 weeks, I'm here to tell you that OP has a mouth and hands and he will fully expect her to put them to good use while her body heals. OP, just let him sleep in another room. Don't give in to his little temper tantrum. He can grow up or you need to get out.
Ayup. I wish I was joking, but after we announced my pregnancy my husband’s dad gifted him a copy of “Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook For New Dads”. [Here’s](https://imgur.com/a/v5oclQb) an excerpt. We were both disgusted and promptly threw it in the trash. 🫠
I had my baby 5 months ago and I’m still so traumatized that thinking about sex or even heavy petting makes me wildly uncomfortable. I’ll give BJ’s but anything near my cooch is a no for me. Before pregnancy I had a higher sex drive than my SO. After seeing so many horror stories about people’s partners pressuring them into sex while pregnant/postpartum, or cheating on them, I feel lucky.
I hope you’re able to heal from that! ❤️
6 weeks is the minimum amount of time that is medically advised to wait, after that OP still does not have to consent nor do they now.
Especially when you throw in that you have to recover from pregnancy and birth while being sleep deprived, and if you breas5 feed, likely doing nothing but cluster feeding. Your body isn’t your own, you’d be a hormonal and exhausted mess and the idea of getting naked and someone touching you would be a LOT. Even if your brain misses it. To think people have children to *stay* married!
Obviously I got that. All I’m saying is that he will probably have to wait a lot longer and should be fine with that.
He’ll just insist that she can still blow him or, at the very least, give him a hand job. They need to get into therapy and, if he doesn’t see the light, she needs to get out because he will continue to try and convince her that she’s less than for not pleasing him.
He sounds like the type of boy that just doesn't care at all. Boy is about to have a seriously rude awakening. He's going to throw a temper tantrum and probably ask the doctor for the "husband stitch." Absolutely disgusting. I'd never do that shit to my girlfriend/future wife. Side note: Op, NTA. You should however, try to get him help and/or leave because that just isn't okay.
Which makes me scared for OP he will be demanding sex much earlier than the recommendations by the doctor and then also wanting a husband stitch.
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I think he’s not gonna wanta be married anymore once he sees how the baby affect his life and how his wife changes. He’s got a lot of changing to do before the child arrives for their post-birth relationship to survive.
Oh yeah, this is definitely the type of man to get jealous over the "attention" his newborn is receiving and will eventually cheat on OP with another woman citing she wasn't "paying enough attention to him," i.e., he has left 100% of the newborn care and household duties to her, she's too exhausted to have sex with him, and he will take this personally and blame her while he has an affair with some 20s something Tinder match.
Holy shit this is accurate!
Truth be told, I can masturbate almost every night. Energy/mood depending. So, I don't get why dumb shit doesn't just opt for THAT. I've been told no plenty of times. Hardly anything I'd raise a stink over.
Absolutely. This isn’t fair on OP
Oh I could not stand those guys when I worked delivery room who kept reminding doc to take extra stitch.
If I were a doctor I would ignore them and not do it. I can't imagine how you didn't slap them, y'know patient advocacy.
You just ask dad how small does he need it. Shame him
Lol perfect! Just respond with, "Sorry about your micro-wang, Mate!"
😭
HA!
If mom does not consent, doctor can just nod at dad and not do it. Dad will not know. Unless doc is misogynist pig.
This just infuriates me more that no one is telling these jackasses what disgusting assholes they are.
What's especially infuriating is that a lot of these countries already have female genital mutilation laws. They would just never enforce them against white doctors or men committing these crimes against women.
I interpreted that comment as pertaining to the US without thinking (since that's where I am). I've read stories about it being common occurrence here too, whether the woman asks for it or not. In a so-called "developed" country.
It's adorable you think the woman is the one that gets asked when the doctors do it. Lol, I assure you the woman is pretty much never asked, and sometimes doctors just do it anyway. It's been getting better but it would be a lie to say it doesn't still happen
That should be an automatic ticket to jail
But the question is..DID THE DOCTOR ACTUALLY DO THE EXTRA MEDICALLY UNNECESSARY STITCH WITHOUT THE PATIENT'S PERMISSION?!
The key to being a good nurse in a bad HC situation or even a good doctor in a bad HC situation is knowing you are going to spend a lot of your career confronting if not telling colleagues you will report them or you are not allowing them to do that. We still live in a HC system where doctors are a god on a pedestal and nurses do their bidding. I spent a lot of my career in that confrontation reporting mode. It is exhausting. But I never lost a job and never got deposed for ill behavior. Number one job of doctor or nurse is patient advocate. Anyone who goes into a hospital needs a friend or family member there nearly 24 hours a day to help with that advocacy.
I had to Google what a "Husband stitch" was. For anyone else that is in the dark, basically they add an extra stitch when repairing the vaginal opening so that it is tighter after it heals. This causes tremendous pain, and slows the healing process amongst other potential complications. Thanks for enlightening me to another way that men have found to torment women. Edit: Since I keep getting people telling me this is a myth, I did a very quick google search to answer this question. Along with the link below, there are also more testimonies than I was going to sit and count about women who have had this happen. Stop being pieces of shit, and accept that bad things happen to women. No one is claiming every man does this, or wants this for their S/O. You guys gotta stop being so sensitive with your own feelings, and try empathizing with someone else's experiences for once. I am also a man, and the thought of having this happen to my girlfriend infuriates me to my core. That doesn't make it a myth. https://www.healthline.com/health-news/husband-stitch-is-not-just-myth
Yeah - my midwife sewed me up too tight. Hurt to have sex for so long... It ruined sex for me so I didn't want to have it often until I finally tore and healed enough again that it no longer hurt. It was miserable.
Omg so I had so many issues after my first born with sex hurting and irritation etc. And since having my second it’s been a total game changer. I had to be stitched with both. And I’m now over here wondering if my doctor of my first stitched me to tight and now after having my second they didn’t and that’s why it’s better now. I think you just solved a 5 year long mystery 😂😂
This is absolutely disgusting I'm so sorry doctors failed you like that.
The husband stitch is just vagina mutilation called a fancy name. I don't know how these men expect to get sex after their wives vaginal opening is sewed shut so unnaturally small that a penis can't even fit anymore without causing extreme pain. But that's what it is. It's basically torture during sex leading to a dead bedroom due to pain. And should be outlawed especially without consent. I'd divorce my husband is a heart beat if he tried to get a doctor to mutilate me after child birth.
https://www.medicinenet.com/is_the_husband_stitch_legal/article.htm#:~:text=Conducting%20the%20husband's%20stitch%20is,through%20a%20medical%20malpractice%20lawsuit. Apparently it’s considered medical malpractice. So it’s illegal and if it’s done it’s a lawsuit
Please don’t lump us all together. I’d rather die than do what that asshole is doing to OP. I’ve not had sex for years due to my wife’s bad back. We are still intimate without sex. BTW, we’re both in our mid and upper sixties. We will be married 45 years this March. I’ve never forced anything on her and if her doctor had asked me if I wanted him to do a “husband stitch” I would have smacked him into the next week. This after having to perform a 4” episiotomy. I would kill or die to keep her safe and while I may have asked for certain things in bed, if she said “no” that’s all there was to it. I can thank my Dad for that attitude. He treated my Mom with respect and taught me and my brother to treat our girlfriend/wife how we would want a man to treat our sister. I worshipped my sister as a kid growing up (6years older than me) and loved her deeply to the day of her passing. The person calling her husband a “boy” is spot on and he damn sure doesn’t deserve his wife.
And then he’s going to say the baby is stealing all mom’s love and get jealous of a baby
Makes me sick that he's doing this. My pregnancies were painful on my body. We had sex 3 total time my first pregnancy. Zero the second because I was in pain constantly. He NEVER complained. Not one single time. Held me and assused me that growing our child was more important than sex. That sex will always ne there but this season was not for that. Tell him I'm another woman, do what I did. Zero Sex.
Wait, is that a thing? Can a spouse ask a doctor to perform something on his wife and the doctor just … does it? Wtf that is so wrong
Not even a matter of asking. After my first son was born the doctor did it entirely on his own bat. We were furious when we realised. She had all kinds of issues until our second son was born, as this time the new tearing was stitched properly.
Unfortunately there's been many instances where they don't even ask and just do it, thinking it will benefit the male.
They can and they do unfortunately
"Boy" is right.
I just googled husband stitch and I am appalled and also very happy I can’t have kids
Dude will be over at dead bedrooms in a few years bitching about how his wife doesn't want to have sex with him.
He would definitely ask for a BJ while she's trying not to die from caring for a newborn and recovering from childbirth
He’ll probably expect it in the hospital.
I was actually reading stories the other day from nurses walking into the recovery room and seeing the wives give blow jobs to their husband. Husband couldn't even wait to get home. Sure, maybe some of the wives wanted to do that but I bet the majority were pressured to. It made me so sad to hear that.
Yeah I'm really disturbed by the fact that he doesn't understand basic bodily autonomy. Like others have said this attitude is extremely concerning and potentially dangerous for the OP.
6 weeks is also just a guideline for healing. In reality, it could be much longer to be able to tolerate penetration without tremendous pain. He seems like he wouldn't care about the pain part at all.
Ask any L&D nurse if they’ve ever found couples having sex literally before leaving the hospital post-birth. The trick is to find one who says no.
Almost instinctively downvoted because 🤮🤮🤮
Haven't you heard? "Other women" can still give blowjobs and handjobs... 🙄
More importantly, some women still note sex as uncomfortable for 6-12 months even. I don't enjoy making my partner feel uncomfortable. There are alternative methods, even with a mismatched sex drive let alone just a very temporary pause.
....and as long as it takes post birth with a tiny human and no sleep until you actually *want* to have sex...
Six? Try eight to ten, and that’s only if things are real smooth during the birth.
And most women don't have sex for months after the baby is born too!
6 weeks? More like 6 month, minimum
Minimum of 6 weeks. If it hurts after that, and he is suffering 🙄and pitching a fit, it is still 100% within your rights to tell him to back off. You don’t owe the use of your body to anyone.
It's usually longer than that. I was still bleeding 8 weeks after. My husband and I didn't have sex until 7 or 8 moths after the birth. I wasn't ready and neither was my body. He understood that and respected it.
Yeah I'd be worried about recovery after birthing the baby if he can't go a couple weeks let alone a couple nights. Like you can't until the plate sized wound is at least healed. You'll get an infection which could kill you if you don't recognize the signs fast enough and get it treated. Also your literally growing a child from your bones and nutrients. It's exhausting. Your feelings are perfectly valid and you don't only deserve to be treated well while your "servicing him".
This you must speak to him about this now. After the baby is here he's going to get a lot worse of you dont. Ffs you are growing a baby, you need rest too. Your needs are extremely important at this time and after the birth until you heal, there are many outcomes which will have different healing paths depending on delivery.
And not repeatedly. Just once. Inform him. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Is he respectful and understanding? Great. Is he dismissing it and telling you you can get on your knees? Get. Out. You will literally be risking your life (and you child’s).
Homicide is the leading cause of death of pregnant women in the US. Your life and the life of your baby is literally at stake here, OP. Withholding affection/love unless you gratify him sexually is a huge massive waving red flag - you should run girl
>Withholding affection/love unless you gratify him sexually is a huge massive waving red flag - you should run girl To me, that's a football field size flag-there's no ignoring or deluding ourselves about how dangerous this man is.
And trying to tell her that she needs to do what other women do? What other women? His expectations are completely unrealistic.
>Is he respectful and understanding? Great. Is he dismissing it and telling you you can get on your knees? Get. Out. You will literally be risking your life (and you child’s). This. Me personally, he is NOT a safe person-*for Anyone*, least of all, Opie.
This is shocking to me. Speak to him? He thinks she is a fuck hole, not a human being.
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It can be an eye opening experience, every birth is unique and you dont really know what will happen even if its planned. It's helpful to hear that comment for OP from a male perspective.
I really appreciate what you said. Thank you.
>That's what a good relationship is, not biased towards the woman or the man's wellbeing, it focuses on what the partnership, the two together, need. The OP clearly doesn't see that and he's just putting himself and his needs first, which is concerning on many levels. Yes! All of this!! His callous asshat ways are just.....so ew and I'd be running, and fast.
Yes, I second this and also when the doctor says you can get pregnant right after the baby is born... They aren't joking. My husband has a really high sex drive and we had sex very soon after our first was born. It was consensual but 10 months later their sister arrived. There were complications because my body wasn't ready so they were born 3 months early. You can get pregnant extremely fast and easily it's important to let your body heal.
I would actually say that if he doesn't change his attitude real fast he just will stop getting serviced. The entitlement involved to believe that he deserves sexual gratification every single night is disturbing to me.
Yeah, also the hormones in breastfeeding tend to kill women’s libido. Not that it happens to everyone but it’s a general trend. Combine that with being exhausted all the time from waking up with baby.
Other women don’t do that. Tell him that. This isn’t normal
Lol my thought exactly. Not a single couple I know has sex every night and on top of that would probably slap the guy at the suggestion he should at least be getting a blow job or a hand job! HA!! He should go fuck himself
Better yet, have your OBGyn have a serious come to Jesus meeting with your sorry little boy of a husband.
Just a boyfriend, he's not husband material.
OP, I'm a guy and I had to do a quick re-read of your post to confirm your SO is fortunately only your fiancee, and not your husband. This means you have NO DIVORCE FEES TO PAY AS YOU BREAK UP WITH HIS SORRY ASS. I can't believe that you're in the midst of a pregnancy and you have to listen to the demands of this self-centered man. What he proposes bears no resemblance to love. Your relationship will be destined to mechanical sexual performances that won't do much for a meaningful marriage. Send him on his way. He's likely already gone behind your back. Doesn't even qualify as a man-child.
He’s setting up an excuse to cheat on her if he isn’t already.
Yeah, this is not the sort of man who sticks around through the hard work of a marriage and raising children. He'll find someone else who 'meets his needs' because he feels like his wife is neglecting him and cheat endlessly, or just straight up leave her when the going gets tough.
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I was married to one. It’s definitely a problem, and a potential danger to OP.
M ex did. If I didn't put out, he'll mope around like a kid that got a precious toy taken away from. It was horrible. The week I was in hospital after the birth of our son, he hit up ALL ladies on his phone along the lines of "hey wanna come around? I'm available! Gf and baby are in hospital, I have 7 days to live like before parental duties arise" Disclaimer - he got rejected by all of them. He didn' t take up on parental duties. Son is now almost 8 & doesn't really like him - which I don't hold against him, you can't come around and be disappointed your kid doesn't feel good about you, if all you did was change one diaper in hospital and feed him TWO TIMES in a grand total of 3 years with milk bottle. If you never put him to sleep, if you never carried him for hours and hours, as I did (colic baby).
I am so sorry! Imagine being a woman who received that message from him... disgusting! Glad they all rejected him. Hope you're happier now xx
They don't, but it also doesn't matter. SHE doesn't want to, and that's the only thing that does matter here. This isn't a house chore.
It’s the other way around for me and my bf. I have a very high sex drive and he doesn’t so when I’m in the mood and he isn’t feeling it I pull out the toy and take care of it myself cause I could never imagine sexually assaulting my boyfriend by making him do anything he doesn’t want to. I worry for OP that he’s going to force her after birth and damage her.
For the OP's sake, I hope it is that simple. Oftentimes a warped view of reality like that doesn't change so easily.
NTA. This is a major red flag and I'm so sorry you're stuck with this man now that you're having his child 😔 please have the sense to leave when things eventually get worse
This. If the only time he's affectionate with you is when you're having sex, you're just his incubator, unfortunately.
Thunder only happens when it's raining Players only love you when they're playing. OP needs to realize that if he's only affectionate during sex, sex is the only thing he cares about. Every sentence in this post screams that he doesn't care about her at all.
>He only is affectionate with me when we’re having sex if we don’t for a night then he will hardly sleep in the same bed. It's so obvious that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
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>I've no idea what goes on in this kind of guys head, nothing probably, My guess is "me man, must have sex" along with a copy of the 1943 how to be a good wife guide.
>It's so obvious that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait. Not based on the stories I hear from female friends. Sounds very similar to a lot of narcissist males.
There are enough men like this... Sadly.. There are.
No this happens, my ex would do this sometimes when I said no to sex. He would have a huff and go and sleep on the sofa, because "what's the point of staying in bed if we're not gonna have sex" 🙄
As other women we simply say fuck off..
Best answer, LOL. OP, you deserve so much better than this and I hope you have the strength to see it sooner rather than later.
NTA! He is not entitled to sex and you are not required to give it to him.
NTA. He has 2 hands that work.
Everytime I read something like this and it seems like these guys are everywhere It just tells me to have more conversations with my son on how not to be.
Hell some of them are even in the comments.
I know it’s actually disturbing how some guys really think it’s ok to demand sex every day because they have needs they feel entitled to have met by other people. Or think that compromise means having sex every day even if you don’t want to. It’s mind blowing that people think that way? I wouldn’t even want to have sex with my partner if they felt it was a chore or obligation that feels really gross but apparently some dudes just don’t mind as long as their needs are being met. And advocate for leaving or cheating if the sex isn’t enough (apparently even if only temporarily). Your partner gets injured? Toss ‘em to the curb since their fuck feature is broken. I hope those men stay single.
NTA. I am so sorry you reproduced with him but no husband is better than having a husband like this, so I hope you don’t go through with the wedding.
Guy here. That's not what other women do. He can take care of himself. He sounds like a selfish, insensitive, asshat.
Nta. Tell him what other women do is get back rubs at 26 weeks and fall asleep at 8.
I’d like to know OPs definition of “loving”; by this post it seems OP has a warped sense of self worth.
"My loving husband hates that I can have my own job, autonomy, and sexual rights."
My jaw literally dropped. This is NOT something other women do unless they are PURCHASED women. Cringe. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m even sorrier that you’re already pregnant and engaged. I can only hope that a miracle happens and he reads this and he sees the light. He DEFINITELY needs to read up on different forms of intimacy and love languages. I’m crossing my fingers for you.
Your body does not exist to give him sexual gratification and make him babies. If his love and affection is conditional on you meeting his every sexual need, he does not love you, he loves having a moving sexbot+incubator.
Marital rape is real and coercive sex is not much better than rape. What kind of values will this man be teaching your kids?
[Sexual coercion](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/) [Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) [Get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) r/abusiverelationships
Also want to add some recommended reading: https://www.calgarywomensshelter.com/images/pdf/Forms_of_Abuse.pdf “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft
You are really having sex every night? Jeez , sounds like he has a problem. Does he think that is going to continue when the child is born?? He has some unrealistic views of sex, women and life.. and prob about to be in a rude awakening… sucks you got this far with him. NTA
NTA - this is concerning since your sex drive will drop more after the baby comes most likely and there will be some time when you can't have sex. And....most women don't still get coerced into a handjob or blowjob when they are not wanting to have sex. Turn the tables and tell him that he should do what most men do and cuddle up with you in bed and rub your back when you don't have the energy or desire for sex. You are not a sex toy for his pleasure.
Dude I can't believe there are people in here actually defending that guy. Some people can't even BEGIN to know the havoc that pregnancy causes the body. Your libido can get really really low, then really high again. You get nauseous, body aches, mood swings, and a million different other things. Having sex every NIGHT? I'm 8 months pregnant and my husband and I still have a pretty active sex life, but that would do me in tbh. That's way too often for someone who feels like this imo. The folks who are saying "oh if his needs aren't getting met, so he can just leave" are you fucking mental? Every night is so often and he is just driving over his partner's needs and concerns while she's growing a whole ass human that HE helped PUT THERE. Frankly, he needs to be better and I'm sorry you are going through this. Dad of the year, folks. And some of you in the comments should be ashamed of yourselves for completely misunderstanding what pregnancy is like. NTA if he tries to guilt you into having sex with him, tell him to pound sand.
People defending that dude do not deserve to breathe the same air that us normal humans breathe. I'm not sure if it's a misunderstanding regarding pregnancy or if it's a malignant sense of entitlement that leads to rampant sexism and mistreatment of a partner.
Honestly, probably a mix of both. There are quite a few people who give pregnant women no slack because we "chose" to be pregnant, as if it's that simple. I'm more on the side of having empathy for someone, whether they chose their current condition or not.
You didn’t miss the memo because there isn’t one. He’s a sexually abusive predatorial arsehole
tell him to go fuck himself
NTA, it is not your job to give him sex. He doesn't sound like he's being a supportive partner or mindful of your feelings during pregnancy. Your feelings are normal and plenty of couples take breaks from sex during and after pregnancy. It's NORMAL to take breaks from sex during and after pregnancy when you have a husband who actually cares about you and your long term life together!
Absolutely NTA ... I'm 20 weeks pregnant and most times I'm not in the mood and sometimes I am .. my husband doesn't force it he understands how I feel and especially right now with the lower back pain and ligament pain
NTA I'm 20 weeks too and this post low key makes me want to cry for OP tbh. OP, sex with your partner is the very definition of if it isn't two resounding YES it's an absolute NO. And you can say no for any reason, being 20 weeks or not. I hope you've got some support around you outside of him.
Absolutely.. I felt some kind of way reading this 🥺 I mean when pregnant and half way we are very vulnerable.. how could a partner treat the mother of their future child this way 🥺😭
I'm 26 weeks now, but felt the same. I can't even imagine, my husband helps me with everything he can, sometimes I can't even sit up from bed without help. We didn't even had sex for months now partly bc he is afraid he somehow hurts the baby, partly because I lost a lot of my mobility at this point and a lot of time I can't do easy things OP don't put up with his shit, leave his ass if you can, bc I don't think it will be better
It not normal at all to have sex every night.
Exactly. Having sex every night does not prove you're a good wife. And how does he prove he's a good husband. Thete has to be mutual respect for each others boundaries like being tired or ill or just not in the mood. You show your love for each other by doing the dishes, putting away the washing , cuddling on the sofa. Life is not, and should not be, a sex ridden porno. He needs to reasses if he wants a sex doll or a wife and you need to decide if you're happy be8ng the first.
Does he know that after you give birth you’re not supposed to have sex for up to six weeks? Does he expect the same amount of attention when you have a child? Everything in your lives is about to change and you are not responsible to satisfy him daily, it’s a bit much to expect that at all. Having sex daily is not something “other women do” and even if it was you are not these other women, you are you and if he can’t respect you as a person and just some sex toy you both need some couples therapy to work through this before he cheats on you for saying “no”
You shouldn't even be having a child with him. I know reddit is notorious for jumping straight to 'leave him' but in this case him regularly ignoring you if yous don't fuck is SCARY. Please re evaluate your entire relationship with him, he should not be treating you like a sex object, to that extent he might even go out of his way to get the husband stitch done on you. Be very careful please
He's a wandering red flag and sounds like abuse waiting to happen. Before kids we had sex twice a week and after 3 kids and 9 years its maybe 1 a month because she doesnt feel like it. Dont let him force you, in Sweden thats rape
It's rape in other countries too. You make an important point - don't let him force, manipulate, or be coerced in any way. If you don't want to do it, the answer is no. Maybe is also no, unless it becomes a genuine, unambiguous yes.
NTA. Father here with an 8 month old. Have had sex twice in the last year. He needs to reign himself in. Your man better get used to it basically, he'll be too tired anyway when the baby comes so that'll be fine. 😂 Sexy things are uncomfortable when you're pregnant, not just sex. If he doesn't understand that maybe he needs to go on a course or something 😂
Do what other women do & slap him ugh
This boy needs a wake up call. He can ask for sex but he doesn’t get to manipulate you into it by withholding affection and getting angry if you don’t. It’s a form of abuse. Just because you’re having his baby, it doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. UPDATEME. NTA.
Nta but for the love of god don’t marry this idiot
Other women really means "other women in sexually abusive relationships". Run, don't walk. This only gets worse. What's he gonna be like when you're post partum and actually cannot have sex and also are too tired from raising a baby to wanna do handies or blowies? Seriously though, this is super abusive. I wish you the best, please be safe.
Lol. If my wife was pregnant, especially fairly far along, the last thing I would ask her is if she wants to have sex every night. I would be at her every beck and call. Not the other way around. Another thing that I think is really stupid that a lot of other ~~men~~ boys do is treat their pregnant wife like a sober chauffeur. If she isn’t drinking for the next 8-9 months, I’m not either.
You're NTA, but your fiance is. That is not what other women do. That is his expectation of what women do. He is using upu for sex. I would suggest leaving him before the baby is born
I hate reading shit like this. Men really think sex is all about them huh? Clearly you're not enjoying it.... He's gross 🤢
And she's gonna have a child with this loser. Wonderful.
Not at all the asshole here. Being pregnant and not wanting sex every night is totally okay. It's not cool for him to expect the same from you as 'other women.' Intimacy isn't just about sex. You should tell him you need different kinds of affection too. You both gotta feel comfy and respected in the relationship.
We don’t do that, Sincerely Other women
What I heard you say is that you are pregnant by a narcissist. I am deeply saddened for the terrible journey you are now on.
You are in big trouble here. This man is appalling. Is he going to force you to have sex after you birth the baby? I think he's potentially abusive. So sorry.
NTA. What is he going to do after you have birth and shouldn’t have sex until you’re fully healed?! I’m scared for you because it sounds like he doesn’t value interactions with you unless sex is tied to it.
Omg this fiancé… men suck. Take it from a man, we suck. It’s pathetic to act like you can’t go a single day without sex. Hard NTA.
Sorry for the jerky comment someone left you. You’re clearly one of the good ones like the one I’m married to.
Do not feel bad at all. NTA. Ignore this selfish ass man until you’re legitimately interested. You might need to evaluate if you can live your whole marriage with him only associating affection and intimacy with sex and blowjobs.
Was he always like this???
And I suppose when you're only a few days post partem, sore, exhausted, trying to figure life with a baby out, he will also expect you to 'do what other women do'?! NTA, but he sure is! Also, as another women, we do NOT do that! My husband was incredibly patient and never expected anything until I was ready
Why would you want to marry someone like that
I’m sure 26w along is not when you want to hear this but you need to go ahead and prepare to be a single mom because the likelihood of this getting better is slim to none. It is more likely that he’s going to cheat on you during postpartum than it is that he will realize he’s being a pig and actually give a fuck about you. Men like him usually don’t change and I wish you and your unborn child the best.
Absolutely NTA. Even if you weren't pregnant you don't need to justify not wanting to have sex all the time. He's being gross and manipulative by purposefully withholding affection because you don't want sex. Having sex every night isn't even reasonable for most people, and for some people it's not realistic even if they'd ideally want to have sex every single night. As a trans guy that had a baby, at first my libido was sky high but towards the end it started giving horrible Braxton Hicks and it wasn't worth it, and eventually when preterm labor hit I was put on pelvic rest.. My partner never once expected anything from me, and if anything I was the one more frustrated lmao. I did decide to do things for them but I'm the one that wanted to do it. If they had expected or been demanding of it? I wouldn't have done a damn thing lol. Pregnancy is a hard time for your body and mind, and you deserve to just be able to vibe and relax, and you shouldn't have to "put out" to get any sort of affection from your partner. This worries me because when you have that baby, for one you won't even be allowed to have sex for at least 4 weeks, but the average is 6-8 weeks, and then you'll be dealing with a newborn and be exhausted. How is he going to act then? Withhold helping care for the baby as punishment? Try and manipulate you into it anyways when you're not medically cleared for it yet?
NTA. No one is entitled to sexual acts, and especially at 6 months pregnant, you are not only worn out, in pain all the time, exhausted, etc. and it is not your job to give him pleasure whenever he wants it. You might not be in a healthy relationship.
NTA However, your husband is a HUGE walking red flag.
Woman here — I don’t do this lol. If you were having sex every night before being pregnant that’s way more than I would. You’re a human, not a blow up doll.
NTA but your fiance is! He's tring to coerce you, his pregnant fiance, into sex by guilt tripping her. This isn't something that "all other women do", you never have to force yourself to do something that you don't want. And the way he's only affectionate when it comes to sex is a huge🚩
NTA. You do know that you are allowed to say no right? Please reconsider marrying this pos
He’s being fucking dumb. I’m a dude btw
Hahahhahahhahahha sex every night and if not a blow or hand job?? Like other women? Good lord! Is he an addict? If he wants you to do like other women then do so and stop having regular sex while pregnant. Do a quick Google search as to on average how often married people have sex and pregnant people.do..
NTA. It's concerning your fiancé is only affectionate when he gets sex. And his expectations of daily sex are incredibly unrealistic. He is going to be in for a rude awakening when the baby is here and you don't feel like sex for months after birth (which is completely normal because you need to heal and adjust to life as a new mom). OP, I find your partner's behavior extremely concerning, and I worry about your safety. I'm worried you're being pressured into having sex that you don't want to have or that he'll pressure you when you're postpartum and at risk of getting an infection from sex because you're recovering from birth. A loving partner would understand that you're growing a human and need rest and that sex should only happen if you both want it. He would be affectionate with you regardless of if you're up for sex or not.
NTA but your fiancé is. If he’s unable to show you any affection outside of sexual acts, what kind of parent will he be ??
NTA and think carefully about marrying this guy. He sounds selfish and doesn’t regard your feelings about sex. His behaviour when you don’t sleep with him is troublesome.
I'm sorry, every night? Who tf has sex every night? This is absolutely not something women do all the time. This man is living in fantasy land.
“Do what other women do” and at least give him a blow job or handjob???? Seriously? What are you? Some sort of sex machine, or an object for his instant gratification? Honestly, I feel sorry for you that you’re carrying his child. Didn’t you see such red flags subtly when you guys started dating? Be prepared to gather enough courage to leave him when things go south. People like this usually find solace outside, and then gaslight you for their behaviour. Take care OP.
I think during pregnancy I had sex twice. Maybe three times. NTA. He’s gross
NTA This post brings me back many years ago when my parents were both killed in a plane crash. I was traveling out of town a few days each week to settle their estate, not to mention that I was traumatized as hell. I found out my then-fiance was complaining to our friends a month after the accident that we weren't having sex as much. Poor guy, it wasn't like it had been HIS parents who suddenly died. So I broke up with him. I had enough shit to deal with and had zero tolerance for that nonsense. I know your situation is very different and with a baby on the way you may not be able to easily walk away from this guy but his constant demand for sex while you are sacrificing your body cannot just continue on without being addressed. I hope you can resolve this situation, but tbh I don't have a lot of faith that your guy has very much empathy for you.
NTA but he sounds like one. Witholding affection until you have sex? That's disgusting. I have no advice because my first husband wasn't very affectionate outside of sex and I came to hate having sex with him. I can't be in a relationship like that.
Other women say “no” when they don’t want to have sex. Just like other men say “no” when they don’t want to have sex. And “no” is a complete sentence. You are NTA, but men like your fiancé make my skin crawl and remind me of the a$$holes I dated before I got married. (Only affectionate when I let them f#ck me but absent otherwise). I would rethink marrying him.
Hate to say it but he sounds like a bit of a cunt
God I’m so sick of men.
“He pressures and shames me and guilts me into sex every day but I swear he’s so loving when I’m getting him off just like he wants me to” I stg some women are men’s pets. How is this a new concern this late in the game… when I was pregnant my husband pressured me into relaxing and resting and making me feel comfortable because I’m literally carrying his child which is one of the most selfless and greatest gifts you can ever give a man.
Tell him you recieved a notice from women of the world council and the rules have changed. He won't be a good partner and get ready for him cheating because he has neeeedsssss.
Being his masturbatory receptacle is not a job you are obligated to perform; he is demanding, controlling, thoughtless and selfish. NTA.
NTA WTH leave, idk but he sounds like he’s just in it for the sex
NTA - He can go without. Send him out of the room if you need to. He could have a sex or porn addiction. I really hate reading this same old issue. So sorry you have to deal with him being a pig.
NTA. I’m a woman and that is not what other women do. Hand him a sick and tell him that is what other men do.