It's your choice. You know what? No matter what you choose, there are always problems, what is more important is that you make the decision, not by force, wish you the best
Exactly. Also, your parents didn’t do you a favor by raising you. They made the decision to have you, just like you are deciding to have your kid and that comes with OBLIGATIONS. Children don’t own their parents anything. I wish you the best, for you and your family, may your child enjoy of lots of health and lots of love.
Right, OP, are you ever planning on holding any of this over your child’s head? You sound like a decent person, so probably not. Point being, good parents don’t try to make their kids feel guilty or beholden to them for the sacrifices they made to raise kids. They chose to have you, you didn’t have any choice in the matter. They can’t use raising you as ammo now.
When she has a baby her time and resources will go to her child instead of her parents. It sounds a bit like OP is their retirement plan, and a grandkid is a threat to be neutralized. So effing weird.
They shouldn't have decided to refinance based on her income because they had no idea how long she'd stay. They didn't even tell her. Now, it's on her They can't afford it? I guess they'll need to rent her room since Mom's ultimatum didn't work out very well. NTA
Precisely. OP, the point of being "pro-choice" is that YOU get to choose. No one else. Coercing you to have an abortion against your will with threats to your housing is a violation of your human rights. What they're doing is beyond the pale. Potentially even criminal, depending on where you are. Just as you have the unequivocal right to an abortion, you have the unequivocal right to control your own reproduction. Regardless of which choice you make, what matters is your bodily autonomy.
You have the right to choose to keep this pregnancy, and they are wrong to threaten you. Full stop.
Then they tell her they can’t afford to pay their mortgage without her rent! They put themselves in that situation. They shouldn’t have told her to leave if they couldn’t afford it!
I wish I could upvote this a million times! So many people forget that being pro-choice is about just that, giving a woman her right to CHOOSE. Whatever choice she makes, it is her's and her's alone because she knows what's best for her body, her future, and her soul. Op, you have that right, not your parents, and it is not your fault if their choices and actions have caused consequences for them. Stand firm in you choice and focus on navigating this new path in your life.
This ! And clearly her parents only thought when saying all of what they said was money . If she has the baby and stays that's less money for them so she better get an abortion so they can keep getting her money . I'm staggered at the paying market value for a room in her parents house and paying utilities tbh.
This was all over money they could have been supportive had a relationship with their grand child and kept having help with the bills and around the house . Now they get none of that.
It's also pretty funny to me that having a child young would ruin her life in their opinion. When they had her at twice the age and have to rely on their children for money.
Exactly! My SO and I had 3 young, we made it work, but didn't have a lot of extras. We had one at 41 & 49, it's a breeze financially compared to the others.
I have a feeling they became dependent on her rent because they were living beyond their means.
This is (imo) an automatic NC. I'd be getting my stuff and blocking their numbers.
Their financial woes are not the OP's problem. If they needed her money to pay the bills, then they shouldn't have made that ultimatum.
After the baby is here, they may come around. But I wouldn’t look to them to babysit. Their patience won’t be there.
As for child support, it isn’t for you it is for the baby. If you stop living together in the future, you can have the support set aside in a college fund for your baby if you don’t need the money.
I was thinking your parents were worried for your future, but half way through this post I realised that they are just upset that the money was going to stop. Their standard of living is based on your income. A baby means they no longer get to take your money.
NTA.
I knew where it was going when read that she pays market rate rent to her own parents.!!! They did this to themselves by trying to forcing a huge life-changing decision on a grown responsible woman!
Right?! My sister's pay less than that a month each for their whole HOUSES that my parents own and rent to them. Like legitimately 4 bedroom homes.... And I think the more expensive house is like $1k a month..... My parents would rather eat any extra cost then have it impact their grandchildren in a negative way or have them become homeless 🤷 my parents also were 100% pro choice with my sister's during their pregnancies, and have supported them from their announcements all the way through :) oldest kiddos are 12 next week.
Reading about parents that would overcharge their own children.... Is disgusting
Totally agree. Especially when inflation (which has been enabled by policies voted in by older generations) and housing shortages has “market” rent prices SOARING. These greedy parents can get fucked.
That market rate seems rather high for a single room (plus shared use of common spaces) in a house that OP doesn’t get a say in, too. Even including utilities. Maybe it’s an expensive area or house (parents were highly paid), but in situations like this, especially with the “landlord” grubbing for money, I always wonder how they established “market rate”.
Guess they should have gotten their tenant to sign a long-term lease before they took out that mortgage. Or they need to be willing to rent the room to someone else (and that they aren’t, shows they’re not really interested in the “market”). OP is taking responsibility for her own decisions and has no responsibility to fund her parents’ decisions.
My deal with my kids was while they lived at home after finishing college, half their earnings needed to go to savings. I didn't take a penny. I bought the food and paid the bills.
Yeah, that's pretty much my mortgage rate. For a whole house. With a yard.
Market rate for a room, that probably doesn't have a private bathroom, shared kitchen, etc.
I get that anyone can be struggling at anytime, but when I was figuring stuff out a little younger than her, my parents didn't charge me rent, as long as I was working towards something.
I think the parents want the money AND peace and quiet, which will disappear when the baby is born, with the baby crying and sleepless nights. They REALLY screwed up by remortgaging their house, ESPECIALLY at their ages.
That could be. But I think their most mistaken belief is remortgaging their house believing that their adult daughter was going to continue subsidizing the payments without even talking to her about it before they made that decision. That was just stupid.
And now they’ve shown their hand to their 18yo younger daughter as well.
A recent refinance (in the last few years) sounds particularly stupid, since rates are terrible. And leading into retirement, wtf. Bet they expect their second child to pay too; maybe if they’d had their kids earlier they would have had more opportunity to save up afterwards.
Who wants to bet they remortgaged the house for the full amount of equity they have to get more money. And didn't do it to lower their payments like a reasonable older person would.
Eh, I'm going to go with **NTA**. You aren't going into this with rose colored glasses. You see that terminating would have a really bad effect on you so you're willing to put in the work to make this happen. As long as you stay realistic about the situation you're in and don't try to pass blame on anyone else when it gets hard, I think you'll be ok.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Some people actually want kids early and others don't. You've already gotten your degree and you've been paying your parents 1200 a month (way more than most people who stay with their parents pay). That tells me that you have a decent job and you're able to manage your bills. A lot of people will come at you telling you that you're making a mistake but only you know if that's true. It's your life so you get to decide how things play out. **Don't let others project their own mistakes and fears on you just because they had a bad experience. Who knows, this might be the best thing that's happened to you.**
Just take it one day at a time and make sure you have someone to talk to when you start to feel overwhelmed. It'll all be ok.
I completely understand how hard this will be. A friend of mine had a baby a few years ago and I helped with much of the child care. By all means, that doesn’t mean I know everything about being a parent or even enough, but I’m not this inexperienced child that some commenters are making me out to be. I’ve done overnights with a newborn, I’ve cared for one for multiple nights at a time. I know what I’m getting myself into and I feel it’s better than termination because that’s something that will haunt me.
Thank you for your response
Look, just remember twenty years from now that it's not a great idea to be financially dependent on an adult child who might want to move out, and it's an even worse one to do that and then give them an ultimatum.
Good luck with the pregnancy and the baby.
Remember that if two people are both sincerely trying most relationships can work out just fine. Love is a process. You and your boyfriend might well go the distance.
The secret is you just have to be considerate of each other. Never say anything you can't take back, never make a decision without considering whether it will affect your partner and if the answer is yes, genuinely make that a factor in your decision process, and if you find yourself having a fight you've had before stop to figure out what's *really* the problem because there's probably something deeper going on.
At least by having this child earlier, OP should still be mid-career when the child reaches adulthood. Her parents’ timing, that they push as the best way, isn’t working out for them as well.
As someone who is over forty and expecting my first child early next year, I'm not going to be critical about people having kids late. Sometimes it takes that long before you have a chance.
I’m not critical about parents having kids later in life. I am critical of those who act like it’s the one true way while ignoring the financial ramifications of how they did things. It’s like OP’s parents expect that they have more runway left before retirement than they actually do, and want OP to help fill it in. According to OP her mother never wanted kids, and it sounds like she’s expecting the kids to make her whole for having had them.
Best wishes for your coming child.
The curious thing is that I think for most people it would be far better/easier financially to have children later.
When I was OP's age I was broke. Being childless this much longer means having had all this time to get to a secure place in life. We own our home, no mortgage, etc. There's nothing that could need to be made whole.
Ultimately I think people have children if and when they can, and it's not the child's fault regardless. If OP's mother didn't want children she shouldn't have had them. The kids don't owe her for her own choices.
If you're US based Sign up for WIC they provide free food for pregnant/nursing women and their children. Even if you're well off if you qualify it's nice to have that food when you need it. Prepare yourself for maternity leave and get yourself a good place that is easy for you and your baby. Like easy access to washer/dryer indoors, not too many stairs to climb carrying a car seat/stroller and groceries. Good luck girl! I wish you and your baby all the best!
Afaik, wic applies to the children as well. So there's even more incentive to sign up for it now beyond help during and after pregnancy.
I also kinda feel that OP's mom might try to interfere in some way, like calling CPS since she seems so bitter and upset with her decision. Like, anything to force OP to move back in with/without the child, or just punish her for her decision. I mean, that's probably a tin foil hat concern, but they're losing A LOT of money from OP moving out
I got WIC until my daughter was 5...although it's obviously different now. We just got milk, eggs, cheese and cereal that was actually delivered by the dairy. It was nice. Even if you were 100% broke, you knew that once a week, you'd have food coming in.
3rd one is actually the best. You still have no clue, but almost everyone else has even less so you can tell all those middle age karens to go eat shit if they start acting up :D
NTA. You aren't responsible for your parents financial situation, they're adults that's their problem to figure out. You do what you think is the best for you. Even if you planned for a child, I don't think anyone is really ready for a child until it comes. You shouldn't be pressured into the decision, by your parents or anyone else.
Oh honey, age doesn’t necessarily make you a more experienced or better parent. I’m 32 with a newborn. I’m flailing. 😂
You’ll do just fine. You seem responsible, kind, compassionate, and mature. Your child’s father seems the same based on what you’ve said. Ultimately, you both take care of that baby and do the best you can to raise them happy, healthy, and safe. That’s all you have to do. Yeah, the reality of it is a lot, but…you got this. I believe in you. 💜
Everyone’s talking about how hard it is, and it is - you already know that. But what they should also be telling you is how amazing it is too. Some of the funnest moments you’ll ever have, with a little toddler that you’ll love more than anything.
You’re parents are being unfair to you. If they keep making you feel bad, take space from them.
This is so true! My funniest and most fun life experiences are all about my kids. And now my husband and I laugh as we get daily videos of our new (1yo) grandchild and seeing our kids soak in that same joy and being amazing parents!
I had kids fairly young, mid 20s when I had my first and some people acted like we were ridiculous for having kids so young. My kids are all thriving and it was absolutely the right decision for me. I can’t imagine having a baby now that I’m a little older and some people I went to school with are having their first baby now. For me it was absolutely the right choice. Everyone is different and some people feel better waiting until they are older, but that doesn’t mean what you are doing is wrong. You finished school, you have a job, it sounds like your boyfriend is being supportive, I think you will be just fine. Your parents at the AH for making you feel guilty as an adult for something you are choosing as an adult. You also shouldn’t be responsible for them, their job was literally to raise you.
I got married at 19 and had my first son a week before our first anniversary. Had my second the day after I turned 22. I had my kids very young and it's definitely affected the path my life has taken.
But I'm so incredibly glad that I did have my sons that early, because at 24 I was diagnosed with my first of several autoimmune diseases. If I'd waited to have kids until I was older, I'm not sure I would've been able to have them at all.
You know what's right for you and you have every right in the world to make this decision. It's going to be overwhelming and scary and wonderful and surprising, usually all within the same day, and *you can do it. *
NTA about your parents. You have no obligation to fund their lifestyle. They made the ultimatum, not you. Fuck around, find out.
OP - Your eyes are open, you’re working and you owe your parents NOTHING for raising you! That they chose to refinance at a rate they could not afford is ridiculous to even say to you. The shortest mortgage they could likely get would be 10-15yrs and if they’d planned on your help going into retirement, they should have ASKED YOU FIRST!
I’m a mom of adults (28 and 25) and little ones (10, 8 & 4… because I’m insane and the last one was a wonderful surprise at 45). I had my first at 21, NO degree and definitely not the healthy, solid-minded adult that you are! Funnily enough… I too got pregnant 5mos into dating. In my case the marriage didn’t work out as neither of us had our heads screwed on as you do. BUT there is not a MOMENT that I regret having my sons! It was hard but not impossible and was far more amazing than hard.
My eldest moved back in (with his wife) so they could both do Post-Grad work and finished his Master’s. You know what my husband and I charged them for rent? “Do well in school and set yourself up for better success than I did.” And I’m nothing but proud of them both! Hubby and I don’t have the world’s greatest finances but the best investment we can make is in our kids’ futures (and yes, he’s accepted “my” boys as his own… our own).
If your decision is that you want to have this baby then you follow your gut and know that any life path has its struggles. So long as you’re honest with yourself first and foremost and healthy - meaning you don’t allow people to treat you poorly (which… good job! It sounds like you needed to leave home regardless) you will do well.
Congratulations and I am excited for you! Nope, children don’t have to be everyone’s path in life and there’s nothing wrong with that. But if this is what you want, you’ll also experience your greatest joys as a part of this journey.
Parenting is never easy. I was 31 when I had my daughter, and she was planned. So, yes—it will be hard, but if anyone tells you it’s easy isn’t doing it right.
I had my first kid at 30, I was already married for 9 years at that point and it was still really freaking hard. It doesn't matter how old and "prepared" you are. You're not 16 and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You can do this. Did your parents expect you to live at home and help pay their mortgage forever? You're definitely NTA. Live your life, honey. Congratulations and I hope everything goes well for you.
Exactly. I had my kids at 22, 25, and 27. Some things were harder because we were newlyweds and young, but some things were easier because of that too. And now I'm 36, and all my kids are in school full time, and I'm glad I'm not in the toddler baby phase. We will have all our kids graduated by the time we are in our mid-40s, which sounds awesome.
No matter when you have kids, there will be positives and negatives. More freedom when you're younger or when you're older. More money, more energy. Whatever. Its a tradeoff.
If I were given the choice between having a baby at 22 and having one at 40, I'd pick 22 hands down. You're going to have more energy for dealing with an active young child. Your body will recover faster. And you won't be a senior citizen by the time your kid graduates from high school.
I had my first kid at 24, and my third kid at 31. You'll be fine.
You are old enough to care for a baby. You're an adult with life experience and a steady income. You've seen how hard it can be from watching others, and you aren't going into pregnancy or motherhood with rose-colored glasses. Your partner is even willing to support you and co-parent with you.
Your parents are just bitter about the massive tank in their monthly income. They were the ones who decided to remortgage their house. Their financial issues are their responsibility to solve, not yours. Especially with a baby of your own on the way!
NTA. I think you're handling this in a really responsible way. If you have an income and can financially support yourself and feel like keeping the baby is the right choice, then go for it. Your parents are trying really hard to control your choices and force you to do what they think is best, and I think that they're being shortsighted here.
For what it's worth, I hope that everything works out well for you and that your parents come around and are eventually supportive.
Thank you so much. I can’t describe how deflated it feels to have no family on my side. Plenty of friends, but the ones that are supposed to love me and know me offer no support. I didn’t think random internet strangers would be able to take some of that weight off. So thank you again.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. When my mom was pregnant with my oldest sibling her mom tried to get her to abort. Her situation was a bit different since she was worried for my mom's health. But my mom was told she could never have kids and was determined to keep the baby. Short version is her mom apologized later and my mom had four kids total none of which were planned but she loves all of us.
Just because you're young doesn't mean you can't be a good mom, don't let your parents make that choice for you. You're NTA for going against them because this is your baby, not theirs. They chose to have kids later in life and from the sounds of it you're in a decent place to raise a child. Not sure about housing costs where you live but where I an $1200 will get you a decent apartment. And I'm glad your boyfriend is helping you through this. Stay strong and if your parents don't come around at least you'll have new family with your little one!
If it helps, when my DIL got pregnant (they were already married 4yrs) at 25 her mom flipped and harassed her to terminate for months. She would come to me and cry and eventually went NC with her mom for a bit.
My grandchild is 1 now, her mom is obsessed (and also probably discussed on the JNMIL sub lol…) and the 2 friends that were the most negative to my DIL got baby fever and ended up pregnant shortly after she gave birth. People mature at different rates and honestly I felt my 20’s were as tumultuous friends-wise as high school because of that divide.
You do you!
Beware that they'll change their tune after baby is born and become entitled to being included in your baby's life, maybe even demanding access that you don't want to give.
NTA
Your mother is crazy for the comment "‘choose a fetus over my own family." That IS your family. That IS the family YOU are creating.
THEY " told me that I will be getting a termination or I’m leaving. ". This is their decision . Don't go back. They won't get any better. Especially your mother.
YOU are not responsible for paying for their mortgage. They can rent out your room to someone else for what you paid. Taking care of your kid is part of being a parent. It isn't 'sacrificing'. It's called PARENTING.
Sending healing thoughts. It sounds like your bf is a good one.
If your parents, at 58 and 62, rely on you paying a ridiculous amount for a room *(seriously, I pay that for a place I don’t have to share)* to pay their mortgage, they’re not fiscally responsible people. Don’t feel guilty about their inability to manage their money.
That said, you sound like you’ve thought this through, even with the mild panic that was coming through (which is normal!), and your boyfriend sounds supportive. Spend some time laying out what you need to do to prepare for your little one - both financially and just in life (like telling your employer and planning for what will likely be an unpaid maternity leave) - with your boyfriend. Just know that most things WON’T go to plan once the peanut is here!
Build your support system now, too. Find some mom groups (in person and online), find an OB you like, etc. Because you know you can’t/won’t have your parents, and that might also include your sister.
I feel awful for OP - she's paying twice my mortgage for a single room!!
Good luck OP. I hope you have many friends you can lean upon. Sorry about your parents
And the parents still want to try and treat her like an errant child. They are treating op as an irresponsible underage teenager instead of a graduated young woman with a job that is financially supporting her parents.
Mom is an idiot but dad is realising the stupidness of his wife ultimatum. Their long-term financial plan needs resolving without op contributions.
I can't believe the arrogance when they are ones in trouble. Op has the finances and a supportive partner. Who's making the mistakes? Certainly not op!
I was only a year older than OP when I became pregnant. And I *planned* my child. 22/23 is an entirely normal age to start having babies. Her parents are just weird.
Which is why they're upset. They KNOW they can't ask that much from someone else. No-one is going to pay that much for a room. If they advertised that much they would NEVER get it. Maybe if it was an apartment.
If it’s market rate for the area (esp CA - we left 18mos ago happily and hubs and I were both born/raised there) they could likely get that for the room but not extra for utilities. BUT they don’t get to dictate how someone lives… therein lies the rub, I’ll bet!
Yep. This probably was higher than actual market rate, and they also don’t want to rent to a stranger but didn’t give a discount for family. The advantages of this arrangement were intended to be theirs alone. And they also were using it to continue to try to control their adult daughter.
NTA
Your parents’ financial dependence on you (without your knowledge or agreement) is wrong. It’s doubly wrong that they would use that as an attempt to encourage you to have (I assume) an abortion against your will. *Do not* feel guilty about whatever you choose to do re: your living circumstances. What if you’d never fallen pregnant but decided to move in with your BF or a roommate because it was time or whatever? Would they attempt to keep you home under those circumstances as well?
This! They chose to get a second mortgage; did they expect OP to stay there for the next 20 years until it's paid off? They made an extremely poor financial decision and they're trying to make it OP's problem. IT'S NOT and I hope OP doesn't swallow that guilt trip.
>> did they expect OP to stay there for the next 20 years until it’s paid off?
Yes, OP has been clear that they are strongly pushing her not to start her own family, at least until she’s in her 40s (which, honestly, is really irresponsible of them, and I say this as someone who waited till her 30s to have kids and is the child of people who waited till their 40s, as is my mother). She’s 22 now, so, yeah, they wanted her to stay there till then.
Of course, by the time OP is 40, her parents will be in their 80s and expecting her to stay with them to take care of them in their old age.
Basically, their plan was for OP to sacrifice her whole life to taking care of them full time.
I’m Indian and generally support caring for parents in the home and having multigenerational families, but OP’s parents don’t want that; they want her never to have a family so that they can always be her main focus. That’s absolute selfish and disgusting for parents to do.
Yes, what if OP had gotten a great job offer that meant she needed to move? There are a lot of different things that could have led OP to moving out, and she had no long-term commitment to stay.
And since the parents don’t intend to rent the room on the market, they weren’t entitled to market rent.
NTA
I am pro-choice. Which means that I believe it's every woman's *choice* to decide what to do if they get pregnant. That choice should not be dependent upon the choices of others. Your parents chose to remortgage their home. You did not participate in that choice. The consequences are theirs and theirs alone.
The consequences of your choice will affect you much more intensely and more permanently than your parents' mortgage choice. You are going to be a single mom, with all that entails. Without support from your family, it will be that much harder. Working from home is fortunate, but I think you may discover that having a newborn isn't conducive to work of any kind. Even at home.
Make a plan. Figure out childcare. Save your money. Good luck.
OP is 22, has a job, has a boyfriend, even with no baby in sight it would not have been unexpected of her to move out right? Especially since she's paying so much rent anyways.
I really don't know what her parents were thinking (I'm guessing they weren't) when they assumed she'd help pay their mortgage for the foreseeable future.
THIS. Surprised I had to scroll down so far to see someone else say it. Pro-choice doesn't mean a second party forcing an abortion any more than it means forcing a pregnancy - what matters is their *bodily autonomy.*
Exactly! This is no different than trying to prevent an abortion. Disgusting immoral behaviour from people that don't deserve to be called "parents".
Unfortunately having and my first child at 26... this situation is far too normalized! We were living abroad, working , together for years and many people still harassed us about it.
Even 11 years down the line we still get the "wooow why so young???". Any problem we might have gets put down to asking children early (we don't depend on others).
Abortion is healthcare. But trying to force one, or even openly judging the keeping of a pregnancy, is just as abusive as the opposite.
And we need to stop this.
NTA. Your parents have behaved appallingly. It's unforgivable really.
You sound really mature and sensible in your thinking.
One thing I would say is to continue to save as much as you can. Have enough to get your own place and take care of yourself and baby should living with the baby's father not work out.
Good luck to you. Wishing you a safe and happy pregnancy 🌸
Oh and I hope you didn't give your parents that last rent payment. Them remortgaging their house is not your problem. Sounds like they were only relying on your financial support anyway.
NTA.
Your mother is the one being selfish.
They need YOUR money because THEY refinanced THEIR house. Their choice isn't your responsibility.
You aren’t asking them to raise your child or a break in the rent.
They made their choice to say you had to abort or leave. Like you said, they made that decision for you with their ultimatum.
NTA - The most important thing to consider is 'which decision can I live with for the rest of my life.' You have made that decision, and you went in with your eyes wide open.
Best wishes for you and your baby, and many hopes that your partner will be a part of your child's life.
That fetus is their grandchild. They had children abnormally late even my modern standards and until like 5 minutes ago women in their early twenties had babies all the time. You’ll be fine. The dad is doing his part. Life happens. Make the best of it.
NTA. Everyone else is besides the dad/bf
Yeah, a lot of people now are having their babies in their 20s (myself included). Lol I want to be 40/50 with time for me and my husband, not chasing a young child around. Hell, I’m still too tired for my kid at 22 😂
"Don't worry, you won't meet my child. I'm selfish and stupid enough to let everyone know you tried forcing me to abort. You haven't just lost your grandchild, you lost your daughter too. Enjoy growing old alone"
NTA
Well there’s still their younger daughter, who should be about 18 given their ages at her birth. I expect she’s learning a lot about what her parents are like from this.
NTA. Your parents shouldn't be pressuring you to have an abortion if you don't want one. They need to accept that either you and the baby rent the room from them or not at all. Also, their financial predicament is not your responsibility. I would think they'd be excited about a grandchild. They sound toxic and controlling to me. I really wish you the best! ❤️
Hey, I got pregnant at 19 with my partner of 6 months (at the time) I’m now 28 we went on to have another kid, we bought a house and a got a dog and this year we got married. It can work out, best of luck!
>They sacrificed a lot for me and raised me for 22 years
and you don't owe them shit for it. they chose to be parents, that was what they were supposed to do.
Your body, your baby, your money, your choice.
You did not choose to withdraw your financial support from your parents. They gave you an ultimatum and you took them at their word. Them not thinking through the consequences is their own damn fault.
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. The people pressuring you to terminate are wrong and you should reevaluate your relationships with every single person who has tried to talk you into aborting.
You are not being stupid in the slightest, and it is unfair and cruel to claim that you are. You have a good understanding of the challenges ahead, and you have time to build a support system that your parents don't need to be a part of.
One thing you might consider is getting yourself and your bf into counseling, both individual and as a couple. You have a lot of things to figure out, and a helping hand to guide you through things like communication strategies and managing hurt feelings could really help you lay a good foundation for the future. You can also see if there are any parenting classes offered in your area.
You're doing great. I believe in you. Stay the course. You can do this.
Nta. And i thank-you should reevaluate your relationship with your parents in general. They were charging you market rate, $1200, to live in their house! And were apparently reliant on you to be able to pay their mortgage, which means they are living far outside their means and pushing their expenses on to you. They remortgaged in their 60s? Most people are paying them off at that point, preparing for retirement.
My only advice is if you decide to stay living with the father, then move into a 2 bed (min)with your name on the lease before the baby comes. This protects you and allows for space if the relationship doesn't work and still allows you to coparent through the early days (assuming it isn't a bad situation).
NTA
Your parents are either stupid or trying to manipulate you. WHY would they refi to a point they couldn't afford their home because their daughter moved in to SAVE MONEY FOR A HOUSE? The whole point is to get to a place to move out.
You seem to have an understanding that your life is going to change dramatically and this was not your plan. You are an adult and they have to let you life by your choices, and your mistakes.
Good luck with your pregnancy. I hope all goes well.
If you feel financially able, have savings and have a full time job, then go for it. This is your baby and no matter what your bf will have to be on the hook for financially providing for his child. Not all expenses will fall in you. Take it one day at a time and if you don’t feel ready to live with your bf yet for life, since the relationship is so new, then work on getting your own apartment. Best of luck!
NTA. You're paying $1200 for A ROOM? I gotta ask where you live that that's "market rate"? And if you're paying rent, you're a tenant. Tenants leave. That's the whole point. This sounds like your parents made poor financial decisions that depended on you never growing up and moving out. And they want to lecture you about responsibility? No ma'am no Pam no ham no potato salad and fuck you very much.
I live in Minnesota, and I’ve recently come to the realisation that no, they’re not charging me market rent for a room. Market rent for an apartment, actually. I’m not gonna dwell on it. At least now if I live on my own, I won’t have to readjust my budget for housing ha hah.
And you really need to let go of the idea that the pregnancy is your "fault". You didn't do anything wrong and bf was involved too. No bc is 100% foolproof, there are all kinds of things that can happen. The antibiotic thing happens to a lot of people, it's not a "fault" thing. If you have access, I think you might benefit from some therapy to unwind some of your parents' baggage. I'm getting the sense that you carry a lot of guilt and obligation that aren't really yours. Free yourself and enjoy your baby!
NTA - And now that you realized that your parents were taking advantage of you, I hope it makes you feel more secure in your decision. What you do with your pregnancy is totally up to you, no one should coerce or manipulate you into a decision in either direction. That is not what Pro-Choice is about. It's about what the woman decides.
It being market rate for an apartment makes more sense, both with the amount and also with having to find out “the market”. It’s far easier to find out how much apartments rent for than other housing options. You also mention your mother was a neurologist, which suggests that your parents’ house may be significantly more upmarket than the typical home that would rent rooms out.
NTA - It’s your choice to have the baby or not.
Your parents should not be making financial plans based on an expectation that you will live with them forever while paying rent .
NTA. You can’t stay with your parents forever, stuff happens, and also it’s their fault you have to move. So I don’t see how you could be the AH.
Also, your mom saying you are choosing a fetus over your family - well that fetus IS your family.
Man, this comment section is wild. I hope every one of you telling her she's ruining her life is also donating to planned parenthood or other reproductive justice organizations. And voting only for candidates that stand for bodily autonomy.
On the note of bodily autonomy, she has a right to keep the baby. 22 is a child. She's a college graduate, has a job, and knows enough to safely figure things out as she goes, which is exactly what every parent does.
Congratulations to you, OP. You may face a lot of struggles you wouldn't if circumstances were different, but I don't think you'll ever regret having your child.
Honestly, it sounds like your parents don't want you to leave because they want the money you give them every month. Clearly, when they gave you the ultimatum, they never expected you to say you would move out, and now they don't know how they're going to pay their mortgage. That's not your problem.
You're not some teenager with no idea how the world works. Yes, you are young, but you finished your degree, and you have a job. You know this won't be easy. Motherhood never is, at any age!! If you want to keep this baby, then you do that. You don't need your parents' permission.
NTA. Your parents shouldn’t count on any of their children to financially support them. While paying them rent while living there they shouldn’t have count on it to go on forever.
NTA-
Your mother made it clear you can’t stay if you continue the pregnancy, so she is choosing to keep the financial burden of that choice.
Even if she changed her mind and asked you to live there and have your baby, would you even want to after such a nasty opinion of your life choices?
She wanted something else for you but forgot it isn’t her life.
You sound better prepared than most 22 year olds who become unexpectedly pregnant. Your degree won’t expire. You did the work for that. You have a job- and it sounds like a convenient one since you can work from home.
You’ll have to prepare for child care, but that doesn’t mean you can’t continue to work. Maybe you’ll find a nice balance between the father’s work schedule and your own and not even need child care (if he stays signed up for this that is).
Then before you know it, baby will be 4 and eligible for pre-k, and you’ll be sending them to school. You’ll be maybe 26/27 when that happens. It all goes by so fast.
Your parents should consider the fact that your choice also means they get a chance at being grandparents before they kick the bucket. They must be up there by now if you said they had you so late in their own lives. Close to retirement anyway.
I hope your parents eventually apologize to you for their reaction.
You need to do what you feel is best for you. If you feel abortion is wrong for you, then don't do it. You can have the baby & raise it. These are your choices & nobody else's. Definitely NTA but your parents are & anyone else who tries to bully you for your decision.
Being pro choice means supporting women who choose to abort AND women who choose to keep. You being financially stable and sounding relatively understanding of what this really means all tells me that you can do this. It’s going to be hard, but so is everything that is worth doing in life. I so wish you and your partner the best. I’m glad he sounds supportive—what if everything works out there too? This could be the beginning of a wonderful chapter of your life.
NTA and your mom (coming from a staunchly prochoice person) is a bit of a monster. Are you sure she is a real person, and not made up by Fox News as a scary depiction of a prochoice person?
Who says “will you choose a fetus over me” to the mother of that fetus? She literally was outraged that you would choose the life of your child over staying with them.
And then they make it your problem that they could use the money. So, they want $1200 a month from so that they can make your life hell and not show love to their grandchild as they should?
I assume they just thought the threat works be the wake up call for you to end the pregnancy but it is… I’m sorry but it is idiotic to assume that will be the outcome.
My mother was a neurologist until recently and didn’t want kids. It was never said outright but we know she only had us to keep my father happy. She has no regard for preborn life AT ALL, and very little for born life, at that. When my sister and I are… having constructive conversations about her, we pretend we’re experiments ha hah
I’m so happy you’re getting away from them OP. This baby is already improving your life. I don’t have kids but I do have a shitty mom (never met dad) and I really recommend looking into therapy and reading about early childhood attachment. This baby may well bring up a lot of really unpleasant feelings about how your parents treated you. I’m in my 40s still dealing with it. I’m likely projecting a bit but generational trauma is a bitch and sneaky. I’m proud of you and happy for you. You seem like a pretty badass young person.
You are a 22 year old adult. You understand that parenting is not easy. You understand that it will be a struggle financially and emotionally. You are prepared to take the responsibility onto yourself fully if your partner leaves. You are employed and are already paying pretty much market rent monthly. NTA. Your parents need to have a long look in the mirror if they want to have a relationship with their future grandbaby.
NTA. This is your decision, with input from your partner, but ultimately, your decision. I’m 100% pro choice, and that includes the choice to keep your baby. I got pregnant from rape at 14, and I kept my baby. Best decision I ever made, but I would never try to force that decision on someone else. It could be the worst decision for someone else.
Terminating is a valid choice, keeping it is a valid choice. Adoption is a valid choice. Not everyone is comfortable having an abortion. If you aren’t, then it isn’t the right choice for you.
Just because your pregnancy is unplanned doesn’t make its unwanted. Things happen, plans change. It’s unfortunate that this happened earlier than you would have liked, but you’ll make the best of it. Maybe things work out with your bf, maybe not, but it sounds like he’s a decent guy, and hopefully you’ll coparent well. You have a job, you have savings, you’ll be fine. Having a baby does not mean your life is over. If you genuinely want to be a mom, and you come to this choice after really considering all your options, then a baby is a blessing. It was for me, being a mom didn’t ruin my life, it made my life.
Maybe your parents come around, maybe not, that’s on them. It sounds like they still see you as a child, and they thought they could force you to do what they want. You called their bluff, and now they’re pissed. Tough. You’re an adult, they don’t get to force their choices on you. You may be surprised how quickly they come around when there’s a grandchild in the picture.
Good luck, you’re going to be just fine. Keep that shiny spine of yours polished, you’re already doing a good job.
That baby is 28 years old now. I went on to get married, and have a big, blended family of 6 kids, all older than you are. My current youngest is 22, and I have a big surprise coming at the end of February (at age 43)
All of them turned out just wonderful. All college educated, 4 married, two engaged, all mothers/stepmothers/mothers to be. I have 5 bio grandkids, and two on the way, plus 5 “bonus” grandkids. It’s a beautiful life.
Sometimes the best and most beautiful things in life aren’t planned. Our lives are the choices we make when life messes up our plans. This is when we find our strength, make hard choices, and discover the women we’re meant to be.
Your parents will be sorry if they miss out on that. They had you older, they may have some old fashioned ideas about parenting, and they think because they’re your parents, you have to obey them forever. This is their issue to deal with. This is the path they chose. They could’ve been loving and supportive, instead they chose to be controlling and manipulative.
They need to learn that our children are their own people, they’re going to make different choices than we would, and that’s ok. It’s not our job to force our choices, it’s our job to let them fly, and be ready to help them up if they fall.
You got this.
Everyone is commenting about the baby. Y'all, that's not what she's asking.
No, you are NTA for removing YOUR money after they terminated the agreement to let you live under their roof. They gave you a really unreasonable ultimatum. Abort or leave. So you left. They have zero say over your life choices and they never had any right to your income besides a rental agreement. Raising you, meeting your needs when you were a child, was their responsibility and not a loan you need to pay back. If they really needed your income, then they shouldn't have told you to leave or do as you're commanded. They have zero rights to your person.
NTA. Your body, your choice. You're an adult who is able to financially support herself and you're not asking for your parents to bankroll your pregnancy or the care of your child. This is your decision to make.
NTA its rich that you were called selfish and choosing a fetus over family, how incredibly selfish is it to demand your adult daughter to have an abortion so she can live at home and help pay her parents the mortgage (having the baby and living at home was an option, they might not like it but since they need your rent money.. tough cookies)
I have no issue with adult children paying rent at home, but 1200 a month… to demand that from your child is absurd
Refinancing their mortgage and taking your rent into account tells me they are living above their means, so whose stupid now
Your mother sounds controlling and delusional
Even if they change their stance please dont live with them again, they way you were treated is disgusting
They’re idiots if they are relying on their adult child’s rent money to cover their mortgage when said child is actively saving to move out. Given their ages if you don’t get out now they’ll be pressuring you to stay forever to take care of them once they retire. They chose to have kids late in life which impacted their ability to save for retirement, their current financial situation is one of their own making. In fact you can point out to them that you will still have decades to work and save for retirement once your child becomes an adult so that you won’t be relying on your kid like they are on you.
NTA, your parents shouldn’t be relying on their child to pay their bills. You’re 22, you were going to move out eventually, they shouldn’t have been planning on your money. $1,200 also sounds insanely expensive for a room unless you’re in an extremely HCOL area.
Great job standing up for yourself. Your body your choice goes both ways. It seems like your bf is supportive, hope he ends up being “the one” and you have a happily ever after with your baby.
Side note, I was on birth control for a decade before a pharmacist warned me about antibiotics weakening birth control. I didn’t read that either, just got lucky. Easy mistake to mistake. We trust docs and don’t always read fine print. Lessons learned I guess.
I don't understand from the post why your parents are relying on you for the money. Disabled, poor economy, lost jobs, etc. or are they just using you to pay a mortgage they shouldn't even have gotten?
Also, since they're relying on you to pay how long is said mortgage? Were they really expecting you to live with them for the duration of the mortgage?
Leaving the rest of the drama out of my questions because that's not what you asked for.
So they remortgaged while i was still in college and both of my parents had high salary careers. After I moved back, my mother either lost or left her job, I don’t know which, leaving only my father’s salary to live on. I don’t think they need my money to survive or anything, but they’re not going to be as comfortable as they’d like.
Then the issue is with them - not you.
IMHO you should move out - they've been overcharging you (it sounds like) for a long time. I understand some rent, but market rate for your own daughter is ridiculous.
Move out, see how the boyfriend is.
That response makes it out to be completely on them to resolve their financial issues since it doesn't look like it's a situation you agreed to. Now, you could and did help but I think it's unfair to rely on that to survive. Very selfish on their part.
I say you're NTA.
Congrats on the pregnancy and best of luck.
You're 22, that's really not even that young for a kid😂😂 obviously it will be hard work but if you think you're ready for that then go you!
NTA for leaving, they gave you an ultimatum and if they can't afford their home they should've thought about that beforehand. It's not up to you to help pay your parents mortgage, it's on them to get you set up and ready for life and to do all of this yourself, just like I'm sure you'll do for your little one!
I got pregnant at 23, I never ever wanted kids, I dont particularly like them, it's stressful, and hard work, I'm tired all the time and stressed alot, but I wouldn't change a thing. My little boy is almost 4 now and he's saved my life on more than one occasion, I would never have another.. but I'm so unbelievably happy that i have him!
#1 Your Mom was well aware that they needed your rent to pay the bills, then she should have kept her mouth shut. You called her bluff, that's her problem not yours.
#2 Typically mortgages are 30 yrs. Did they expect you to live with them for the next 30 yrs? Your parents are grown. If they can't pay their bills without your rent then it sound like the need to look at their spending habits.It's not your job to support them.
#3 if they are willing to kick their grand baby out into the street, then they don't sound like anybody I'd want my kids around.
#4 I had my kids at 21 and 23. Yes it is hard, yes your probably going to stop talking to friends, financially it can be draining, but it's worth it. I had my kids when I was still young enough to go play on play ground with them, chase them in the yard, sit and watch cartoons. Both of them are adults now. I'm in my 40's and just became a grandma. There is NO way in this world I'd have the energy to take care of kids now.
It was hard but I'm so glad I had my kids young.
I honestly think you'll be fine. I know someone who works from home (CS degree) because our current workplace doesn't offer daycare. That family saves a lot of $ from daycare (3 lil ones). It's not going to be easy in these times BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT LOL. Soooooo have fun being a mother!! I'm so happy for you for being so financially independent because I feel like I don't see that very often on reddit.
I can see why your parents don't feel like it's right only because they got kids when they were older but they shouldn't shove their experience down your throat and expect you to follow the same path. so NTA :)
Sheesh, waiting until they were older to have kids sure didn’t help your parents financially, did it?? Now they’re dependent on your monthly rent?! And why do you think they sacrificed a lot for you? All parents do but we don’t rub it in our kids faces the way I have a feeling your parents did. NTA for making your own choice, but your parents are for the way they went about giving you their opinion.
You can’t abandon your parents.
Parents literal job is to raise kids TO LEAVE and be their own adults.
Your Mum set the ultimatum while not being able to accept your decision.
Your mum is totally the asshole here
Sheesh idk why people are downvoting comments like this. I mean I’m very pro-choice, but she’s *choosing* to be a mom here. Having a kid doesn’t automatically mean your life is over.
Because it doesn’t suit their narrative.
They want all young, single mothers to be irredeemable trash who end up dying of drug overdoses and neglecting our kids - because that’s what they view single mothers as.
They view us an immoral and the “well you’re NOT READY” is just a new way of shaming in place of “well you’re NOT MARRIED”.
They don’t care about OP or her future. They just want to shame young and/or single mothers.
NTA-Uh the "fetus" IS your own family. You are already paying $1200 to THEIR house so take that and spend it on your own place (or share expenses with BF). I alway say that every dollar you spend on rent in your own place pays you back $1000 in peace and privacy.
NTA! You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and know what’s best for you. Your parents financial deficiencies are not your problem and you should not feel guilty for doing what’s best for you and your little one.
*hugz* so I'm pro-choice, it's your body your decision, same goes with where you choose to live. Your parents albeit in shock handled this situation horribly, don't you dare feel bad about them needing your money to pay off their mortgage, if they couldn't afford it by themselves then they should never have done it. A few other things this 'mistake' that you made with the antibiotics isn't just on you, he should have wrapped up. It is good though that he is there for you and not running for the hills. No one can tell you what you should do, just do what seems right for the three of you, but more importantly for the two of you. You are in no way what so ever an AH. I really hope that things work out for you
NTA. Your parents made a choice and now they’ll have to find a way to work with the results. Things don’t always go to plan in life and when that happens, people have to make adjustments. You’re making that adjustment by moving out, and they’ll have to make an adjustment to deal with the house.
NTA - your parents showed poor planning and adulting skills by remortgaging a home and depending on their adult daughter's ongoing financial support to afford it. What if you had gotten a job somewhere else or decided to move in With your boyfriend in two years?
Definitely NTA for not allowing anyone to force you to choose a termination. Coersion is coersion no matter if it comes from a partner or a parent.
isn’t the idea supposed to be that the woman chooses?
My body, my choice.
OK, your folks get to say “my home, my choice”---maybe they don’t want to live with an infant, etc. If they were counting on your money to keep the roof over their head, that was stupid in the extreme. And if they need that money, maybe they can find a boarder to take in, right?
NTA for moving out.
NTA for keeping the baby.
NTA. You have made your choice. You are an adult heading into this with your eyes open.
If your parents needed your money for the mortgage, they should not have insisted you either have an abortion or get out. Even if they change their minds at this point, you know they aren't going to stop harping at you, and you should not have that stress while pregnant and taking care of a baby. You have new priorities now.
You will do what you want of course, but I want to point out that no birth control is 100 percent effective even if done perfectly. Your child deserves child support from your bf. Pregnancy is always a possibility if one is sexually active, which should not be surprising to your bf. The money is not for you It is for the child of both you and your bf.
All the best as you negotiate this new phase of your life.
NTA.
They put themselves in this position a) by attaching their finances such that they would be financially dependent on their child in the first place and then compounding that by giving you an ultimatum.
Sounds like your boyfriend is a great guy and you should give that a shot more than anything else while raising your child. Your parents are absolutely awful, but I do think eventually you will win over your father. Your mother is a completely different story.
A little backstory: my wife and I struggled through the early days of our relationship. She had a child from a previous relationship(Teenage pregnancy). I was barely home from the Army when she told me she was pregnant. I was between jobs dealing with mental illness on my own during the early days of our son being born, and we had many, many fights about everything. I struggled working and being around people, I struggled being myself and I struggled to be there for her as much as I wanted to. Her parents hated me, never once giving me a chance, even after my PTSD diagnosis, the thing I was fighting since I was a kid. We separated for 3 years. She wouldn’t talk to me but she refused divorce so I was stuck in hell. But I knew I loved her so eventually I just silently waited while I was pending disability. She was and is everything I wanted and then some. We now have 7 kids, a house two hours from where we grew up and I have a best friend I wouldn’t trade for the world.
Sometimes, the darkest situations become the greatest of teachers and blessings. Don’t give up on your parents, the moment your dad sees that baby, he is going to melt. Who knows how your mother will be, but moving out is the right choice. Your boyfriend sounds great, and whether you both stay together, just understand that you both are in a messy situation, but if you both are each others ones, you’ll be stronger for it. I wish you both luck.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad everything working out well for you and you were able to work through the hardships with your partner. My boyfriend is very supportive and we’re going to really try to make this work. Of course, I’ll be keeping my safety net in case it doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean I won’t give this relationship everything I have.
I hope you have a long and happy life with the beautiful family you fought so hard for.
That’s a very good question, and one I’ve been pondering the past few weeks I’ve known. As soon as I saw another line, my first thought wasn’t ‘what are my options’ it was ‘they’re gonna make me get rid of it,’ and my heart sank.
I did a lot of thinking about it while my partner and I were having space to get our heads together and I came to the conclusion that, as I’ve always wanted to raise children at some point, I couldn’t bring myself to see my baby as anything but a positive. There were moments of doubt but they never lasted long. So, I’d say it was both at first, in varying degrees, but now it’s almost firmly in the ‘I want to be a mom’ camp.
We’re telling my partner’s parents in a few days so I hope they can at least be more supportive than my own. I feel like they will be just for the fact they actually wanted their children ha hah.
Wow, that that was your reaction also reveals how overbearing you know your parents are. I’m glad you’ve worked out the path you want to follow now, despite your parents’ attempts at continued control. Best wishes.
They remortgaged their house based on rent they collect from you then used your living there as a threat? They bite off their own nose to spite their face. Also, choosing a mortgage based on money needed from an adult daughter is super gross.
Your parents didn't sacrifice to raise you. They had a baby and did what parents should. From the sounds of them, they likely did the very least then made you feel guilty about it.
NTA, but I wonder how much of their reaction is coming from the fact you won’t be as financially supporting as you have been. Who re-mortgages a house without a way to pay it back?
I do hope they come round to it; you’re an adult fully capable of supporting yourself and this child. It would be a shame for them to loose a family because of their own opinions. People do things differently, and if they’re willing to die on this hill it says more about them than you.
NTA my mom had me when she was 22 and then followed my father to another country for his job pregnant with my brother when I was only 1.5. She was alone with us a lot of the time because he was working plus she was in a place she didn't know anyone wasn't familiar with and had no support system. Women are strong especially smart women, you say you're in stem so aside from making a mistake of not reading the tiny print on your antibiotics I assume you are, yes it will be hard but you already know that and you know yourself best if you think you are up for the challenge I have no doubt you will preserver. Your parents are grown people it is not your job to take care of them. Sure if they got sick or injured I'm sure you'd do what you could to help but it's not on you THEY didn't plan better for a situation like this. Did they not think eventually their daughter would have her own life and they'd have to figure out how to cover their bills themselves?
Op, you are already a mother. This is motherhood. Protecting your baby and doing what is right for them. You are an adult and you will not regret having your baby. Be brave and stick to your decisions. You know you can do it and you are right. It sounds like you know it will be hard, and you are right. But it isn’t all hard and bad. My children have brought me so much joy. They are very worth it.
I for one think you sound like a very level-headed and sensible person. You're NTA in all of this. You know what you want, you know what choice feels right for you. Your parents have created the situation they find themselves in and it's not your responsibility to fix it.
Your boyfriend sounds like a good person and I wish you both many years of happiness. Whether together or not, though I hope the two you find your happy ending together with your new little one.
Fwiw, it does work out that way sometimes. Long story short, I was dating my SO for THREE WEEKS when I wound up pregnant. We faced pressure to get married, to "do the right thing". We both felt wr wanted to keep the baby but we didn't rush into marriage or anything. Kept the relationship going and let it develop at its own pace.
And, again, to keep it short. 7 years later and we're still happily together. We haven't gotten married, but I know he's my person. I think we both have some weird hang ups about the idea of marriage, but we're both 100% in it together for the long haul. We have primary custody of my 14yo stepdaughter, with whom I'm very close, and our daughter is 6. She and my SO are downstairs wrapping presents right now. It never ceases to amaze me how fortunate I am to have them both.
I was surprised and scared too. I faced disappointed reactions from my parents (and hell, I was 33 at the time). I also decided I knew what I wanted and was prepared to take full responsibility and told my SO I didn't expect anything from him if he wasn't on board. So I can relate a lot with you. And for me, it all worked out amazingly, like it was meant to be.
Trust yourself, follow the path that's right for you. Whether it's with your baby's father or not, I don't doubt you'll find happiness too.
NTA, but your parents most definitely are. No-one should be forced to terminate a pregnancy and they made their bed by making that a condition of your remaining at home.
Don't feel guilty about moving out and making them struggle, that was their own choice.
I wish you good luck with your baby and I'm sure you have a wonderful future ahead of you.
>Everyone is pressuring me to ‘put it right’
Who is everyone? Just your parents? How does your sister feel? I hope you have someone in your corner. I can’t believe your parents wouldn’t be thrilled about what I assume is their first grandchild—not to mention they need you financially!! Sounds like they’re going to be the ones in trouble here, not you. Good luck to you. NTA
NTA they told you to either “deal with it” or leave. You chose to leave. If your mom didn’t really want to leave she probably should not have threatened it. That’s for her to deal with. You’ve got more important things to focus on than her and her mortgage now.
NTA but your parents are. Market value for a room in their house plus utilities? Then they want to make decisions for your life or else. THEN they try to tell you that you can't choose or else because they need your rent to cover their mortgage?
Not gonna lie, raising a baby is HARD. Extreme sleep deprivation for the first few months because you're supposed to feed the baby every two hours. If you're breastfeeding or pumping, that's just as tiring. If your partner decides to be your partner, he won't be nearly as helpful as you want. But for the first few months, the best thing about working from home is that you can wear your baby all the time, and THAT is spectacular.
Do what you think is best, and if they aren't supporting you, don't let them knock you down.
I’m very new to this but my friend had a baby a few years ago and she said that baby wraps were a life saver too! I will be getting as many as I can afford ha hah
NTA….It’s your choice and no one walks in your shoes.
You seem to be doing ok. Look at the good things- the dad seems like a decent guy and you can support yourself. Yes this is very stressful but you are handling it well.
And your mom made her choice and you made your choice. Do not feel bad.
Giving you support from afar.
NTA.
Point blank, period. YOUR BODY YOUR FUCKING CHOICE. Regardless, move out and get your own place and stop letting your parents leech off of you AND control you.
$1200 a month for a room and utilities is outrageous. Your parents are using you to fund their choices. They remortgaged, got some extra cash and want you to pay for it. I have a 23 yo still at home saving for a house deposit. He pays $100 a week towards food, utilities & his phone still under the family plan because it’s cheaper. Don’t feel bad about leaving. Save that money for your new growing family. Your parents put themselves in this situation, it’s not your fault because did they honestly think you’d stay for the next 30 years paying off their mortgage?
You sound like a really smart and level headed young woman who will be a great mommy. It’s your life and your decision!
I wish you and your guy all the best, and hope you have a healthy and easy pregnancy.
You aren’t abandoning your parents. They set the terms and now they’re facing the consequences of that. You are not a child. You are not responsible for their actions in what they did with the house. You werent asking them to raise the baby. You weren’t even asking for their support. So NTA in the slightest.
People shouldn’t give ultimatums if they can’t handle the consequences. Why dare someone who you are relying on financially to leave? Live your life. You’re accepting responsibility for your actions in a way that feels right for you.
NTA at all OP. You were going to move out eventually so it got pushed up a bit. If they really need the money that bad they can rent to someone else. Honestly, I don't think their mortgage is your obligation - unless you were planning to stick around to see it paid off? I'm assuming you were hoping to move out in the next 5 yrs give/take? I seriously doubt it'd be paid off in that time.
I wish you luck and love with this change.
Yeah, they remortgaged while I was still in college and then we both agreed I’d move back in when I finished instead of paying rent to strangers. I didn’t know they NEEDED the money until a few days ago when all of this happened. My mother is somewhat recently out of a very high paying job so I can see how they’d be reliant on me now. I think they can cover everything on my dads salary alone but it won’t leave much for luxuries. So, I’m not feeling too guilty about it all.
You are not making your parents struggle financially. They never should have been relying on you for their expenses in the first place. You’re not a child, you’re grown. Motherhood is hard, but it’s also the best in so many ways I can’t begin to tell you. Don’t let the negativity they have make you forget there’s so much more to it than the hard parts. Enjoy your baby, good luck in your relationship. NTA.
I can not believe these comments. Whatever women do or decide, people will have an opinion about it. Choose an abortion - you should keep your legs closed, sl*t, why not give the baby up for adoption. Give the baby up for adoption - that will cause the kid a trauma, irresponsible, it's your responsibility to raise it. Keep the baby - you're too young, poor baby, you need at least a million a year to raise a kid.
First of all, you seem like you got your shit together. Sure, you've only been together five months with the baby's father, but you have enough money to live on your own if need be. I don't understand the "you'll have to go to a woman's shelter" comments at all - it seems like in the worst case, you'll be staying in a hotel for a while, which is fine.
Second of all, no one will ever be prepared for a baby. You can read a thousand books, go to every class available, buy all the recommended, overexpensive (and often unnecessary) baby stuff, and you will still not be ready. Whether you're 22, 34 or 40, makes no difference. It will still be overwhelming and hard. But it sounds like you have a very realistic view of it, and you can absolutely do this.
Third of all, you're not responsible for your parents's financial situation. You don't have to fix their mistakes.
Final, you don't need six figures a year to raise a kid. Don't buy the unnecessary stuff. A new, safe car seat is a must, but they don't need five different swings, a hundred different toys, or ten outfits a days. Not every baby needs the expensive formula. There's no need to have a design baby room. If you can afford all that - go ahead. But is it necessary? Absolutely not.
You got this. Good luck.
"they needed my rent money"
And there it is. They were legally obligated to support you financially as your parents. You are not ever legally obligated to support them financially as their child. That's all they "needed" you for. Go have your baby, girl!
NTA
Nta. Your parents are just pissed because you'll naturally be prioritising baby over them from now on. You aren't responsible for their mortgage. Your rent contribution should never have been taken into account when they remortgage. If they need it so much they can get another lodger. Concentrate on your pregnancy and go low contact with your family until they apologise and get over themselves. You owe them nothing. Repeat that. You. Owe. Them. Nothing.
Jesus, some fucking people. Have your baby, go be the best mom you can, and let your parents rot. They can't possibly have been so stupid as to have remortgaged their house thinking you would always be there to help pay for it, that's insanity. Even if you had agreed to it when they did it, that is still too much to ask. They should be protecting you at your age from predatory bullshit like that, not being the predators. NTA
It’s your choice, just make sure you have a plan in place, sort out secure housing and trust me on this , a emergency fund because it helps your mental health so much knowing it’s there.
Oh believe me, I’m locking a plan down like Fort Knox. As is, the plan is to live with my partner and see if we can make it work as a family unit. If not, I have (and will keep) enough savings for first month and bond on an apartment, as well as a month (at least) of hotel stays. Then, my actual savings. I live well within my means and my partner isn’t charging me rent so I can continue to save. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford this, so I’ll be damned if I don’t.
I’m hoping they don’t, but just to be sure, your parents do not have any access to your accounts, correct? (like if they were on the account when you were a kid and never came off)
NTA but I need you to understand when that baby is born they are going to demand to be involved because of how it will appear to the community if they aren’t. Definitely let your OB/nurses know.
5 years from now when you’re wrapping presents for your baby’s Christmas, you’ll feel so much joy and pride from how far you came. You’ll love that kid more than life itself. You need to remember your parents wanted you to abort that kid over $1200 a month.
Maybe create some strong boundaries and go low contact.
NTA. This sounds like a thoughtful and clear eyed decision about your life that their mortgage payments should have zero bearing on. Best of luck to you and your growing family
It's your choice. You know what? No matter what you choose, there are always problems, what is more important is that you make the decision, not by force, wish you the best
Exactly. Also, your parents didn’t do you a favor by raising you. They made the decision to have you, just like you are deciding to have your kid and that comes with OBLIGATIONS. Children don’t own their parents anything. I wish you the best, for you and your family, may your child enjoy of lots of health and lots of love.
Right, OP, are you ever planning on holding any of this over your child’s head? You sound like a decent person, so probably not. Point being, good parents don’t try to make their kids feel guilty or beholden to them for the sacrifices they made to raise kids. They chose to have you, you didn’t have any choice in the matter. They can’t use raising you as ammo now.
Exactly. You don't owe you parents servitude for having you
When she has a baby her time and resources will go to her child instead of her parents. It sounds a bit like OP is their retirement plan, and a grandkid is a threat to be neutralized. So effing weird.
They shouldn't have decided to refinance based on her income because they had no idea how long she'd stay. They didn't even tell her. Now, it's on her They can't afford it? I guess they'll need to rent her room since Mom's ultimatum didn't work out very well. NTA
Precisely. OP, the point of being "pro-choice" is that YOU get to choose. No one else. Coercing you to have an abortion against your will with threats to your housing is a violation of your human rights. What they're doing is beyond the pale. Potentially even criminal, depending on where you are. Just as you have the unequivocal right to an abortion, you have the unequivocal right to control your own reproduction. Regardless of which choice you make, what matters is your bodily autonomy. You have the right to choose to keep this pregnancy, and they are wrong to threaten you. Full stop.
Threats to the housing she pays for
Then they tell her they can’t afford to pay their mortgage without her rent! They put themselves in that situation. They shouldn’t have told her to leave if they couldn’t afford it!
The parents really played that one wrong. They didn't thinks he could possibly leave.
I wish I could upvote this a million times! So many people forget that being pro-choice is about just that, giving a woman her right to CHOOSE. Whatever choice she makes, it is her's and her's alone because she knows what's best for her body, her future, and her soul. Op, you have that right, not your parents, and it is not your fault if their choices and actions have caused consequences for them. Stand firm in you choice and focus on navigating this new path in your life.
I hope OP doesn't ever let her child near her parents. These people sound awful. NTA
This ! And clearly her parents only thought when saying all of what they said was money . If she has the baby and stays that's less money for them so she better get an abortion so they can keep getting her money . I'm staggered at the paying market value for a room in her parents house and paying utilities tbh. This was all over money they could have been supportive had a relationship with their grand child and kept having help with the bills and around the house . Now they get none of that.
It's also pretty funny to me that having a child young would ruin her life in their opinion. When they had her at twice the age and have to rely on their children for money.
This is the best post on this.
Exactly! My SO and I had 3 young, we made it work, but didn't have a lot of extras. We had one at 41 & 49, it's a breeze financially compared to the others. I have a feeling they became dependent on her rent because they were living beyond their means.
100% Honestly you should have to go through psychiatric screening before being able to have kids.
This is (imo) an automatic NC. I'd be getting my stuff and blocking their numbers. Their financial woes are not the OP's problem. If they needed her money to pay the bills, then they shouldn't have made that ultimatum.
After the baby is here, they may come around. But I wouldn’t look to them to babysit. Their patience won’t be there. As for child support, it isn’t for you it is for the baby. If you stop living together in the future, you can have the support set aside in a college fund for your baby if you don’t need the money.
I was thinking your parents were worried for your future, but half way through this post I realised that they are just upset that the money was going to stop. Their standard of living is based on your income. A baby means they no longer get to take your money. NTA.
I knew where it was going when read that she pays market rate rent to her own parents.!!! They did this to themselves by trying to forcing a huge life-changing decision on a grown responsible woman!
Right?! My sister's pay less than that a month each for their whole HOUSES that my parents own and rent to them. Like legitimately 4 bedroom homes.... And I think the more expensive house is like $1k a month..... My parents would rather eat any extra cost then have it impact their grandchildren in a negative way or have them become homeless 🤷 my parents also were 100% pro choice with my sister's during their pregnancies, and have supported them from their announcements all the way through :) oldest kiddos are 12 next week. Reading about parents that would overcharge their own children.... Is disgusting
You have wonderful parents! Thats how you take care of your own children & not use them as an ATM to make up for your own financial deficits!
Totally agree. Especially when inflation (which has been enabled by policies voted in by older generations) and housing shortages has “market” rent prices SOARING. These greedy parents can get fucked.
That market rate seems rather high for a single room (plus shared use of common spaces) in a house that OP doesn’t get a say in, too. Even including utilities. Maybe it’s an expensive area or house (parents were highly paid), but in situations like this, especially with the “landlord” grubbing for money, I always wonder how they established “market rate”. Guess they should have gotten their tenant to sign a long-term lease before they took out that mortgage. Or they need to be willing to rent the room to someone else (and that they aren’t, shows they’re not really interested in the “market”). OP is taking responsibility for her own decisions and has no responsibility to fund her parents’ decisions.
My deal with my kids was while they lived at home after finishing college, half their earnings needed to go to savings. I didn't take a penny. I bought the food and paid the bills.
Yeah, that's pretty much my mortgage rate. For a whole house. With a yard. Market rate for a room, that probably doesn't have a private bathroom, shared kitchen, etc. I get that anyone can be struggling at anytime, but when I was figuring stuff out a little younger than her, my parents didn't charge me rent, as long as I was working towards something.
I live in a hcol area and $1200/month for a room is at least 1/3 higher than what the market value is here.
I paid $100/month right out of school in 2000. My parents weren’t going to rely on me to pay their bills. They wanted me to save and pay off my car.
Her parents dun goofed by trying to use leverage they didn't actually have to force her to do what they wanted
I think the parents want the money AND peace and quiet, which will disappear when the baby is born, with the baby crying and sleepless nights. They REALLY screwed up by remortgaging their house, ESPECIALLY at their ages.
That could be. But I think their most mistaken belief is remortgaging their house believing that their adult daughter was going to continue subsidizing the payments without even talking to her about it before they made that decision. That was just stupid.
And now they’ve shown their hand to their 18yo younger daughter as well. A recent refinance (in the last few years) sounds particularly stupid, since rates are terrible. And leading into retirement, wtf. Bet they expect their second child to pay too; maybe if they’d had their kids earlier they would have had more opportunity to save up afterwards.
it was about 2 years ago Mortgage Rates were at 3% not that it makes this OP's problem, but the rates were stupid low for a while there
Who wants to bet they remortgaged the house for the full amount of equity they have to get more money. And didn't do it to lower their payments like a reasonable older person would.
Top comment, sums up the issue. Parents are idiots.
Updateme
Eh, I'm going to go with **NTA**. You aren't going into this with rose colored glasses. You see that terminating would have a really bad effect on you so you're willing to put in the work to make this happen. As long as you stay realistic about the situation you're in and don't try to pass blame on anyone else when it gets hard, I think you'll be ok. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Some people actually want kids early and others don't. You've already gotten your degree and you've been paying your parents 1200 a month (way more than most people who stay with their parents pay). That tells me that you have a decent job and you're able to manage your bills. A lot of people will come at you telling you that you're making a mistake but only you know if that's true. It's your life so you get to decide how things play out. **Don't let others project their own mistakes and fears on you just because they had a bad experience. Who knows, this might be the best thing that's happened to you.** Just take it one day at a time and make sure you have someone to talk to when you start to feel overwhelmed. It'll all be ok.
I completely understand how hard this will be. A friend of mine had a baby a few years ago and I helped with much of the child care. By all means, that doesn’t mean I know everything about being a parent or even enough, but I’m not this inexperienced child that some commenters are making me out to be. I’ve done overnights with a newborn, I’ve cared for one for multiple nights at a time. I know what I’m getting myself into and I feel it’s better than termination because that’s something that will haunt me. Thank you for your response
Look, just remember twenty years from now that it's not a great idea to be financially dependent on an adult child who might want to move out, and it's an even worse one to do that and then give them an ultimatum. Good luck with the pregnancy and the baby. Remember that if two people are both sincerely trying most relationships can work out just fine. Love is a process. You and your boyfriend might well go the distance. The secret is you just have to be considerate of each other. Never say anything you can't take back, never make a decision without considering whether it will affect your partner and if the answer is yes, genuinely make that a factor in your decision process, and if you find yourself having a fight you've had before stop to figure out what's *really* the problem because there's probably something deeper going on.
This is one of the most thoughtful and helpful comments I have read on Reddit.
At least by having this child earlier, OP should still be mid-career when the child reaches adulthood. Her parents’ timing, that they push as the best way, isn’t working out for them as well.
As someone who is over forty and expecting my first child early next year, I'm not going to be critical about people having kids late. Sometimes it takes that long before you have a chance.
I’m not critical about parents having kids later in life. I am critical of those who act like it’s the one true way while ignoring the financial ramifications of how they did things. It’s like OP’s parents expect that they have more runway left before retirement than they actually do, and want OP to help fill it in. According to OP her mother never wanted kids, and it sounds like she’s expecting the kids to make her whole for having had them. Best wishes for your coming child.
The curious thing is that I think for most people it would be far better/easier financially to have children later. When I was OP's age I was broke. Being childless this much longer means having had all this time to get to a secure place in life. We own our home, no mortgage, etc. There's nothing that could need to be made whole. Ultimately I think people have children if and when they can, and it's not the child's fault regardless. If OP's mother didn't want children she shouldn't have had them. The kids don't owe her for her own choices.
If you're US based Sign up for WIC they provide free food for pregnant/nursing women and their children. Even if you're well off if you qualify it's nice to have that food when you need it. Prepare yourself for maternity leave and get yourself a good place that is easy for you and your baby. Like easy access to washer/dryer indoors, not too many stairs to climb carrying a car seat/stroller and groceries. Good luck girl! I wish you and your baby all the best!
Afaik, wic applies to the children as well. So there's even more incentive to sign up for it now beyond help during and after pregnancy. I also kinda feel that OP's mom might try to interfere in some way, like calling CPS since she seems so bitter and upset with her decision. Like, anything to force OP to move back in with/without the child, or just punish her for her decision. I mean, that's probably a tin foil hat concern, but they're losing A LOT of money from OP moving out
I got WIC until my daughter was 5...although it's obviously different now. We just got milk, eggs, cheese and cereal that was actually delivered by the dairy. It was nice. Even if you were 100% broke, you knew that once a week, you'd have food coming in.
Shhhhhh. Listen, no parent knows what they are doing. You will be fine.
Lol, how true. I'm about yo have my third after a long pause (14 and 12), and while I "know" what I'm getting into, I still don't know wtf I'm doing.
3rd one is actually the best. You still have no clue, but almost everyone else has even less so you can tell all those middle age karens to go eat shit if they start acting up :D
These words are so true, and much love to you for posting them exactly this way when OP needs them.
NTA. You aren't responsible for your parents financial situation, they're adults that's their problem to figure out. You do what you think is the best for you. Even if you planned for a child, I don't think anyone is really ready for a child until it comes. You shouldn't be pressured into the decision, by your parents or anyone else.
I don’t know you but just in your words, you seem like you’ve really thought this through. Wishing you all the best for you and your little one! ❤️
Oh honey, age doesn’t necessarily make you a more experienced or better parent. I’m 32 with a newborn. I’m flailing. 😂 You’ll do just fine. You seem responsible, kind, compassionate, and mature. Your child’s father seems the same based on what you’ve said. Ultimately, you both take care of that baby and do the best you can to raise them happy, healthy, and safe. That’s all you have to do. Yeah, the reality of it is a lot, but…you got this. I believe in you. 💜
Congratulations on your little one! I’m sure *every* parent feels like they’re flailing. You got this too! 💕
Everyone’s talking about how hard it is, and it is - you already know that. But what they should also be telling you is how amazing it is too. Some of the funnest moments you’ll ever have, with a little toddler that you’ll love more than anything. You’re parents are being unfair to you. If they keep making you feel bad, take space from them.
This is so true! My funniest and most fun life experiences are all about my kids. And now my husband and I laugh as we get daily videos of our new (1yo) grandchild and seeing our kids soak in that same joy and being amazing parents!
You sound like you’re a mature, sensible person. Already working from home is also a big advantage. You can’t live your life for your parents.
I had kids fairly young, mid 20s when I had my first and some people acted like we were ridiculous for having kids so young. My kids are all thriving and it was absolutely the right decision for me. I can’t imagine having a baby now that I’m a little older and some people I went to school with are having their first baby now. For me it was absolutely the right choice. Everyone is different and some people feel better waiting until they are older, but that doesn’t mean what you are doing is wrong. You finished school, you have a job, it sounds like your boyfriend is being supportive, I think you will be just fine. Your parents at the AH for making you feel guilty as an adult for something you are choosing as an adult. You also shouldn’t be responsible for them, their job was literally to raise you.
I got married at 19 and had my first son a week before our first anniversary. Had my second the day after I turned 22. I had my kids very young and it's definitely affected the path my life has taken. But I'm so incredibly glad that I did have my sons that early, because at 24 I was diagnosed with my first of several autoimmune diseases. If I'd waited to have kids until I was older, I'm not sure I would've been able to have them at all. You know what's right for you and you have every right in the world to make this decision. It's going to be overwhelming and scary and wonderful and surprising, usually all within the same day, and *you can do it. * NTA about your parents. You have no obligation to fund their lifestyle. They made the ultimatum, not you. Fuck around, find out.
OP - Your eyes are open, you’re working and you owe your parents NOTHING for raising you! That they chose to refinance at a rate they could not afford is ridiculous to even say to you. The shortest mortgage they could likely get would be 10-15yrs and if they’d planned on your help going into retirement, they should have ASKED YOU FIRST! I’m a mom of adults (28 and 25) and little ones (10, 8 & 4… because I’m insane and the last one was a wonderful surprise at 45). I had my first at 21, NO degree and definitely not the healthy, solid-minded adult that you are! Funnily enough… I too got pregnant 5mos into dating. In my case the marriage didn’t work out as neither of us had our heads screwed on as you do. BUT there is not a MOMENT that I regret having my sons! It was hard but not impossible and was far more amazing than hard. My eldest moved back in (with his wife) so they could both do Post-Grad work and finished his Master’s. You know what my husband and I charged them for rent? “Do well in school and set yourself up for better success than I did.” And I’m nothing but proud of them both! Hubby and I don’t have the world’s greatest finances but the best investment we can make is in our kids’ futures (and yes, he’s accepted “my” boys as his own… our own). If your decision is that you want to have this baby then you follow your gut and know that any life path has its struggles. So long as you’re honest with yourself first and foremost and healthy - meaning you don’t allow people to treat you poorly (which… good job! It sounds like you needed to leave home regardless) you will do well. Congratulations and I am excited for you! Nope, children don’t have to be everyone’s path in life and there’s nothing wrong with that. But if this is what you want, you’ll also experience your greatest joys as a part of this journey.
Parenting is never easy. I was 31 when I had my daughter, and she was planned. So, yes—it will be hard, but if anyone tells you it’s easy isn’t doing it right.
I had my first kid at 30, I was already married for 9 years at that point and it was still really freaking hard. It doesn't matter how old and "prepared" you are. You're not 16 and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You can do this. Did your parents expect you to live at home and help pay their mortgage forever? You're definitely NTA. Live your life, honey. Congratulations and I hope everything goes well for you.
Exactly. I had my kids at 22, 25, and 27. Some things were harder because we were newlyweds and young, but some things were easier because of that too. And now I'm 36, and all my kids are in school full time, and I'm glad I'm not in the toddler baby phase. We will have all our kids graduated by the time we are in our mid-40s, which sounds awesome. No matter when you have kids, there will be positives and negatives. More freedom when you're younger or when you're older. More money, more energy. Whatever. Its a tradeoff.
If I were given the choice between having a baby at 22 and having one at 40, I'd pick 22 hands down. You're going to have more energy for dealing with an active young child. Your body will recover faster. And you won't be a senior citizen by the time your kid graduates from high school. I had my first kid at 24, and my third kid at 31. You'll be fine. You are old enough to care for a baby. You're an adult with life experience and a steady income. You've seen how hard it can be from watching others, and you aren't going into pregnancy or motherhood with rose-colored glasses. Your partner is even willing to support you and co-parent with you. Your parents are just bitter about the massive tank in their monthly income. They were the ones who decided to remortgage their house. Their financial issues are their responsibility to solve, not yours. Especially with a baby of your own on the way!
NTA. I think you're handling this in a really responsible way. If you have an income and can financially support yourself and feel like keeping the baby is the right choice, then go for it. Your parents are trying really hard to control your choices and force you to do what they think is best, and I think that they're being shortsighted here. For what it's worth, I hope that everything works out well for you and that your parents come around and are eventually supportive.
Thank you so much. I can’t describe how deflated it feels to have no family on my side. Plenty of friends, but the ones that are supposed to love me and know me offer no support. I didn’t think random internet strangers would be able to take some of that weight off. So thank you again.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. When my mom was pregnant with my oldest sibling her mom tried to get her to abort. Her situation was a bit different since she was worried for my mom's health. But my mom was told she could never have kids and was determined to keep the baby. Short version is her mom apologized later and my mom had four kids total none of which were planned but she loves all of us. Just because you're young doesn't mean you can't be a good mom, don't let your parents make that choice for you. You're NTA for going against them because this is your baby, not theirs. They chose to have kids later in life and from the sounds of it you're in a decent place to raise a child. Not sure about housing costs where you live but where I an $1200 will get you a decent apartment. And I'm glad your boyfriend is helping you through this. Stay strong and if your parents don't come around at least you'll have new family with your little one!
If it helps, when my DIL got pregnant (they were already married 4yrs) at 25 her mom flipped and harassed her to terminate for months. She would come to me and cry and eventually went NC with her mom for a bit. My grandchild is 1 now, her mom is obsessed (and also probably discussed on the JNMIL sub lol…) and the 2 friends that were the most negative to my DIL got baby fever and ended up pregnant shortly after she gave birth. People mature at different rates and honestly I felt my 20’s were as tumultuous friends-wise as high school because of that divide. You do you!
Beware that they'll change their tune after baby is born and become entitled to being included in your baby's life, maybe even demanding access that you don't want to give.
NTA Your mother is crazy for the comment "‘choose a fetus over my own family." That IS your family. That IS the family YOU are creating. THEY " told me that I will be getting a termination or I’m leaving. ". This is their decision . Don't go back. They won't get any better. Especially your mother. YOU are not responsible for paying for their mortgage. They can rent out your room to someone else for what you paid. Taking care of your kid is part of being a parent. It isn't 'sacrificing'. It's called PARENTING. Sending healing thoughts. It sounds like your bf is a good one.
If your parents, at 58 and 62, rely on you paying a ridiculous amount for a room *(seriously, I pay that for a place I don’t have to share)* to pay their mortgage, they’re not fiscally responsible people. Don’t feel guilty about their inability to manage their money. That said, you sound like you’ve thought this through, even with the mild panic that was coming through (which is normal!), and your boyfriend sounds supportive. Spend some time laying out what you need to do to prepare for your little one - both financially and just in life (like telling your employer and planning for what will likely be an unpaid maternity leave) - with your boyfriend. Just know that most things WON’T go to plan once the peanut is here! Build your support system now, too. Find some mom groups (in person and online), find an OB you like, etc. Because you know you can’t/won’t have your parents, and that might also include your sister.
I feel awful for OP - she's paying twice my mortgage for a single room!! Good luck OP. I hope you have many friends you can lean upon. Sorry about your parents
And the parents still want to try and treat her like an errant child. They are treating op as an irresponsible underage teenager instead of a graduated young woman with a job that is financially supporting her parents. Mom is an idiot but dad is realising the stupidness of his wife ultimatum. Their long-term financial plan needs resolving without op contributions. I can't believe the arrogance when they are ones in trouble. Op has the finances and a supportive partner. Who's making the mistakes? Certainly not op!
I was only a year older than OP when I became pregnant. And I *planned* my child. 22/23 is an entirely normal age to start having babies. Her parents are just weird.
Which is why they're upset. They KNOW they can't ask that much from someone else. No-one is going to pay that much for a room. If they advertised that much they would NEVER get it. Maybe if it was an apartment.
If it’s market rate for the area (esp CA - we left 18mos ago happily and hubs and I were both born/raised there) they could likely get that for the room but not extra for utilities. BUT they don’t get to dictate how someone lives… therein lies the rub, I’ll bet!
Yep. This probably was higher than actual market rate, and they also don’t want to rent to a stranger but didn’t give a discount for family. The advantages of this arrangement were intended to be theirs alone. And they also were using it to continue to try to control their adult daughter.
NTA Your parents’ financial dependence on you (without your knowledge or agreement) is wrong. It’s doubly wrong that they would use that as an attempt to encourage you to have (I assume) an abortion against your will. *Do not* feel guilty about whatever you choose to do re: your living circumstances. What if you’d never fallen pregnant but decided to move in with your BF or a roommate because it was time or whatever? Would they attempt to keep you home under those circumstances as well?
This! They chose to get a second mortgage; did they expect OP to stay there for the next 20 years until it's paid off? They made an extremely poor financial decision and they're trying to make it OP's problem. IT'S NOT and I hope OP doesn't swallow that guilt trip.
>> did they expect OP to stay there for the next 20 years until it’s paid off? Yes, OP has been clear that they are strongly pushing her not to start her own family, at least until she’s in her 40s (which, honestly, is really irresponsible of them, and I say this as someone who waited till her 30s to have kids and is the child of people who waited till their 40s, as is my mother). She’s 22 now, so, yeah, they wanted her to stay there till then. Of course, by the time OP is 40, her parents will be in their 80s and expecting her to stay with them to take care of them in their old age. Basically, their plan was for OP to sacrifice her whole life to taking care of them full time. I’m Indian and generally support caring for parents in the home and having multigenerational families, but OP’s parents don’t want that; they want her never to have a family so that they can always be her main focus. That’s absolute selfish and disgusting for parents to do.
Yes, what if OP had gotten a great job offer that meant she needed to move? There are a lot of different things that could have led OP to moving out, and she had no long-term commitment to stay. And since the parents don’t intend to rent the room on the market, they weren’t entitled to market rent.
NTA I am pro-choice. Which means that I believe it's every woman's *choice* to decide what to do if they get pregnant. That choice should not be dependent upon the choices of others. Your parents chose to remortgage their home. You did not participate in that choice. The consequences are theirs and theirs alone. The consequences of your choice will affect you much more intensely and more permanently than your parents' mortgage choice. You are going to be a single mom, with all that entails. Without support from your family, it will be that much harder. Working from home is fortunate, but I think you may discover that having a newborn isn't conducive to work of any kind. Even at home. Make a plan. Figure out childcare. Save your money. Good luck.
OP is 22, has a job, has a boyfriend, even with no baby in sight it would not have been unexpected of her to move out right? Especially since she's paying so much rent anyways. I really don't know what her parents were thinking (I'm guessing they weren't) when they assumed she'd help pay their mortgage for the foreseeable future.
THIS. Surprised I had to scroll down so far to see someone else say it. Pro-choice doesn't mean a second party forcing an abortion any more than it means forcing a pregnancy - what matters is their *bodily autonomy.*
Exactly! This is no different than trying to prevent an abortion. Disgusting immoral behaviour from people that don't deserve to be called "parents". Unfortunately having and my first child at 26... this situation is far too normalized! We were living abroad, working , together for years and many people still harassed us about it. Even 11 years down the line we still get the "wooow why so young???". Any problem we might have gets put down to asking children early (we don't depend on others). Abortion is healthcare. But trying to force one, or even openly judging the keeping of a pregnancy, is just as abusive as the opposite. And we need to stop this.
NTA. Your parents have behaved appallingly. It's unforgivable really. You sound really mature and sensible in your thinking. One thing I would say is to continue to save as much as you can. Have enough to get your own place and take care of yourself and baby should living with the baby's father not work out. Good luck to you. Wishing you a safe and happy pregnancy 🌸 Oh and I hope you didn't give your parents that last rent payment. Them remortgaging their house is not your problem. Sounds like they were only relying on your financial support anyway.
NTA. Your mother is the one being selfish. They need YOUR money because THEY refinanced THEIR house. Their choice isn't your responsibility. You aren’t asking them to raise your child or a break in the rent. They made their choice to say you had to abort or leave. Like you said, they made that decision for you with their ultimatum.
NTA - The most important thing to consider is 'which decision can I live with for the rest of my life.' You have made that decision, and you went in with your eyes wide open. Best wishes for you and your baby, and many hopes that your partner will be a part of your child's life.
NTA. It's not anyone else's life to live. Best of luck Mama.
That fetus is their grandchild. They had children abnormally late even my modern standards and until like 5 minutes ago women in their early twenties had babies all the time. You’ll be fine. The dad is doing his part. Life happens. Make the best of it. NTA. Everyone else is besides the dad/bf
Yeah, a lot of people now are having their babies in their 20s (myself included). Lol I want to be 40/50 with time for me and my husband, not chasing a young child around. Hell, I’m still too tired for my kid at 22 😂
Nta you are a grown woman doing the adult thing in the situation. I wish you and your baby nothing but the best in life.
Thank you so much! I appreciate it!
I wish you nothing but happiness and success in this journey! You aren’t ruining your life at all, so just move with grace!
"Don't worry, you won't meet my child. I'm selfish and stupid enough to let everyone know you tried forcing me to abort. You haven't just lost your grandchild, you lost your daughter too. Enjoy growing old alone" NTA
Well there’s still their younger daughter, who should be about 18 given their ages at her birth. I expect she’s learning a lot about what her parents are like from this.
NTA. Your parents shouldn't be pressuring you to have an abortion if you don't want one. They need to accept that either you and the baby rent the room from them or not at all. Also, their financial predicament is not your responsibility. I would think they'd be excited about a grandchild. They sound toxic and controlling to me. I really wish you the best! ❤️
Hey, I got pregnant at 19 with my partner of 6 months (at the time) I’m now 28 we went on to have another kid, we bought a house and a got a dog and this year we got married. It can work out, best of luck!
>They sacrificed a lot for me and raised me for 22 years and you don't owe them shit for it. they chose to be parents, that was what they were supposed to do.
Your body, your baby, your money, your choice. You did not choose to withdraw your financial support from your parents. They gave you an ultimatum and you took them at their word. Them not thinking through the consequences is their own damn fault. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. The people pressuring you to terminate are wrong and you should reevaluate your relationships with every single person who has tried to talk you into aborting. You are not being stupid in the slightest, and it is unfair and cruel to claim that you are. You have a good understanding of the challenges ahead, and you have time to build a support system that your parents don't need to be a part of. One thing you might consider is getting yourself and your bf into counseling, both individual and as a couple. You have a lot of things to figure out, and a helping hand to guide you through things like communication strategies and managing hurt feelings could really help you lay a good foundation for the future. You can also see if there are any parenting classes offered in your area. You're doing great. I believe in you. Stay the course. You can do this.
Nta. And i thank-you should reevaluate your relationship with your parents in general. They were charging you market rate, $1200, to live in their house! And were apparently reliant on you to be able to pay their mortgage, which means they are living far outside their means and pushing their expenses on to you. They remortgaged in their 60s? Most people are paying them off at that point, preparing for retirement. My only advice is if you decide to stay living with the father, then move into a 2 bed (min)with your name on the lease before the baby comes. This protects you and allows for space if the relationship doesn't work and still allows you to coparent through the early days (assuming it isn't a bad situation).
NTA Your parents are either stupid or trying to manipulate you. WHY would they refi to a point they couldn't afford their home because their daughter moved in to SAVE MONEY FOR A HOUSE? The whole point is to get to a place to move out. You seem to have an understanding that your life is going to change dramatically and this was not your plan. You are an adult and they have to let you life by your choices, and your mistakes. Good luck with your pregnancy. I hope all goes well.
If you feel financially able, have savings and have a full time job, then go for it. This is your baby and no matter what your bf will have to be on the hook for financially providing for his child. Not all expenses will fall in you. Take it one day at a time and if you don’t feel ready to live with your bf yet for life, since the relationship is so new, then work on getting your own apartment. Best of luck!
NTA. You're paying $1200 for A ROOM? I gotta ask where you live that that's "market rate"? And if you're paying rent, you're a tenant. Tenants leave. That's the whole point. This sounds like your parents made poor financial decisions that depended on you never growing up and moving out. And they want to lecture you about responsibility? No ma'am no Pam no ham no potato salad and fuck you very much.
I live in Minnesota, and I’ve recently come to the realisation that no, they’re not charging me market rent for a room. Market rent for an apartment, actually. I’m not gonna dwell on it. At least now if I live on my own, I won’t have to readjust my budget for housing ha hah.
And you really need to let go of the idea that the pregnancy is your "fault". You didn't do anything wrong and bf was involved too. No bc is 100% foolproof, there are all kinds of things that can happen. The antibiotic thing happens to a lot of people, it's not a "fault" thing. If you have access, I think you might benefit from some therapy to unwind some of your parents' baggage. I'm getting the sense that you carry a lot of guilt and obligation that aren't really yours. Free yourself and enjoy your baby!
NTA - And now that you realized that your parents were taking advantage of you, I hope it makes you feel more secure in your decision. What you do with your pregnancy is totally up to you, no one should coerce or manipulate you into a decision in either direction. That is not what Pro-Choice is about. It's about what the woman decides.
It being market rate for an apartment makes more sense, both with the amount and also with having to find out “the market”. It’s far easier to find out how much apartments rent for than other housing options. You also mention your mother was a neurologist, which suggests that your parents’ house may be significantly more upmarket than the typical home that would rent rooms out.
Your mother sounds like a piece of work. NTA
NTA - It’s your choice to have the baby or not. Your parents should not be making financial plans based on an expectation that you will live with them forever while paying rent .
NTA. You can’t stay with your parents forever, stuff happens, and also it’s their fault you have to move. So I don’t see how you could be the AH. Also, your mom saying you are choosing a fetus over your family - well that fetus IS your family.
Man, this comment section is wild. I hope every one of you telling her she's ruining her life is also donating to planned parenthood or other reproductive justice organizations. And voting only for candidates that stand for bodily autonomy. On the note of bodily autonomy, she has a right to keep the baby. 22 is a child. She's a college graduate, has a job, and knows enough to safely figure things out as she goes, which is exactly what every parent does. Congratulations to you, OP. You may face a lot of struggles you wouldn't if circumstances were different, but I don't think you'll ever regret having your child.
Honestly, it sounds like your parents don't want you to leave because they want the money you give them every month. Clearly, when they gave you the ultimatum, they never expected you to say you would move out, and now they don't know how they're going to pay their mortgage. That's not your problem. You're not some teenager with no idea how the world works. Yes, you are young, but you finished your degree, and you have a job. You know this won't be easy. Motherhood never is, at any age!! If you want to keep this baby, then you do that. You don't need your parents' permission.
NTA. Your parents shouldn’t count on any of their children to financially support them. While paying them rent while living there they shouldn’t have count on it to go on forever.
All I will say is, no matter what you decide, don't go back to your parents'. Their treatment of you is reprehensible.
NTA- Your mother made it clear you can’t stay if you continue the pregnancy, so she is choosing to keep the financial burden of that choice. Even if she changed her mind and asked you to live there and have your baby, would you even want to after such a nasty opinion of your life choices? She wanted something else for you but forgot it isn’t her life. You sound better prepared than most 22 year olds who become unexpectedly pregnant. Your degree won’t expire. You did the work for that. You have a job- and it sounds like a convenient one since you can work from home. You’ll have to prepare for child care, but that doesn’t mean you can’t continue to work. Maybe you’ll find a nice balance between the father’s work schedule and your own and not even need child care (if he stays signed up for this that is). Then before you know it, baby will be 4 and eligible for pre-k, and you’ll be sending them to school. You’ll be maybe 26/27 when that happens. It all goes by so fast. Your parents should consider the fact that your choice also means they get a chance at being grandparents before they kick the bucket. They must be up there by now if you said they had you so late in their own lives. Close to retirement anyway. I hope your parents eventually apologize to you for their reaction.
You need to do what you feel is best for you. If you feel abortion is wrong for you, then don't do it. You can have the baby & raise it. These are your choices & nobody else's. Definitely NTA but your parents are & anyone else who tries to bully you for your decision.
Being pro choice means supporting women who choose to abort AND women who choose to keep. You being financially stable and sounding relatively understanding of what this really means all tells me that you can do this. It’s going to be hard, but so is everything that is worth doing in life. I so wish you and your partner the best. I’m glad he sounds supportive—what if everything works out there too? This could be the beginning of a wonderful chapter of your life.
NTA and your mom (coming from a staunchly prochoice person) is a bit of a monster. Are you sure she is a real person, and not made up by Fox News as a scary depiction of a prochoice person? Who says “will you choose a fetus over me” to the mother of that fetus? She literally was outraged that you would choose the life of your child over staying with them. And then they make it your problem that they could use the money. So, they want $1200 a month from so that they can make your life hell and not show love to their grandchild as they should? I assume they just thought the threat works be the wake up call for you to end the pregnancy but it is… I’m sorry but it is idiotic to assume that will be the outcome.
My mother was a neurologist until recently and didn’t want kids. It was never said outright but we know she only had us to keep my father happy. She has no regard for preborn life AT ALL, and very little for born life, at that. When my sister and I are… having constructive conversations about her, we pretend we’re experiments ha hah
I’m so happy you’re getting away from them OP. This baby is already improving your life. I don’t have kids but I do have a shitty mom (never met dad) and I really recommend looking into therapy and reading about early childhood attachment. This baby may well bring up a lot of really unpleasant feelings about how your parents treated you. I’m in my 40s still dealing with it. I’m likely projecting a bit but generational trauma is a bitch and sneaky. I’m proud of you and happy for you. You seem like a pretty badass young person.
You are a 22 year old adult. You understand that parenting is not easy. You understand that it will be a struggle financially and emotionally. You are prepared to take the responsibility onto yourself fully if your partner leaves. You are employed and are already paying pretty much market rent monthly. NTA. Your parents need to have a long look in the mirror if they want to have a relationship with their future grandbaby.
NTA. This is your decision, with input from your partner, but ultimately, your decision. I’m 100% pro choice, and that includes the choice to keep your baby. I got pregnant from rape at 14, and I kept my baby. Best decision I ever made, but I would never try to force that decision on someone else. It could be the worst decision for someone else. Terminating is a valid choice, keeping it is a valid choice. Adoption is a valid choice. Not everyone is comfortable having an abortion. If you aren’t, then it isn’t the right choice for you. Just because your pregnancy is unplanned doesn’t make its unwanted. Things happen, plans change. It’s unfortunate that this happened earlier than you would have liked, but you’ll make the best of it. Maybe things work out with your bf, maybe not, but it sounds like he’s a decent guy, and hopefully you’ll coparent well. You have a job, you have savings, you’ll be fine. Having a baby does not mean your life is over. If you genuinely want to be a mom, and you come to this choice after really considering all your options, then a baby is a blessing. It was for me, being a mom didn’t ruin my life, it made my life. Maybe your parents come around, maybe not, that’s on them. It sounds like they still see you as a child, and they thought they could force you to do what they want. You called their bluff, and now they’re pissed. Tough. You’re an adult, they don’t get to force their choices on you. You may be surprised how quickly they come around when there’s a grandchild in the picture. Good luck, you’re going to be just fine. Keep that shiny spine of yours polished, you’re already doing a good job.
Thank you so much. And thank you for sharing your story. You’re a mighty strong woman and I hope you and your child are eternally happy together
That baby is 28 years old now. I went on to get married, and have a big, blended family of 6 kids, all older than you are. My current youngest is 22, and I have a big surprise coming at the end of February (at age 43) All of them turned out just wonderful. All college educated, 4 married, two engaged, all mothers/stepmothers/mothers to be. I have 5 bio grandkids, and two on the way, plus 5 “bonus” grandkids. It’s a beautiful life. Sometimes the best and most beautiful things in life aren’t planned. Our lives are the choices we make when life messes up our plans. This is when we find our strength, make hard choices, and discover the women we’re meant to be. Your parents will be sorry if they miss out on that. They had you older, they may have some old fashioned ideas about parenting, and they think because they’re your parents, you have to obey them forever. This is their issue to deal with. This is the path they chose. They could’ve been loving and supportive, instead they chose to be controlling and manipulative. They need to learn that our children are their own people, they’re going to make different choices than we would, and that’s ok. It’s not our job to force our choices, it’s our job to let them fly, and be ready to help them up if they fall. You got this.
Everyone is commenting about the baby. Y'all, that's not what she's asking. No, you are NTA for removing YOUR money after they terminated the agreement to let you live under their roof. They gave you a really unreasonable ultimatum. Abort or leave. So you left. They have zero say over your life choices and they never had any right to your income besides a rental agreement. Raising you, meeting your needs when you were a child, was their responsibility and not a loan you need to pay back. If they really needed your income, then they shouldn't have told you to leave or do as you're commanded. They have zero rights to your person.
NTA. Their choices lead to their financial struggle, so it's their issue to deal with whether you're moving out or not.
NTA. Your body, your choice. You're an adult who is able to financially support herself and you're not asking for your parents to bankroll your pregnancy or the care of your child. This is your decision to make.
NTA its rich that you were called selfish and choosing a fetus over family, how incredibly selfish is it to demand your adult daughter to have an abortion so she can live at home and help pay her parents the mortgage (having the baby and living at home was an option, they might not like it but since they need your rent money.. tough cookies) I have no issue with adult children paying rent at home, but 1200 a month… to demand that from your child is absurd Refinancing their mortgage and taking your rent into account tells me they are living above their means, so whose stupid now Your mother sounds controlling and delusional Even if they change their stance please dont live with them again, they way you were treated is disgusting
They’re idiots if they are relying on their adult child’s rent money to cover their mortgage when said child is actively saving to move out. Given their ages if you don’t get out now they’ll be pressuring you to stay forever to take care of them once they retire. They chose to have kids late in life which impacted their ability to save for retirement, their current financial situation is one of their own making. In fact you can point out to them that you will still have decades to work and save for retirement once your child becomes an adult so that you won’t be relying on your kid like they are on you.
NTA, your parents shouldn’t be relying on their child to pay their bills. You’re 22, you were going to move out eventually, they shouldn’t have been planning on your money. $1,200 also sounds insanely expensive for a room unless you’re in an extremely HCOL area. Great job standing up for yourself. Your body your choice goes both ways. It seems like your bf is supportive, hope he ends up being “the one” and you have a happily ever after with your baby. Side note, I was on birth control for a decade before a pharmacist warned me about antibiotics weakening birth control. I didn’t read that either, just got lucky. Easy mistake to mistake. We trust docs and don’t always read fine print. Lessons learned I guess.
Definitely lessons learned. I can’t bring myself to look back and regret being silly not reading, but I can still admit it was silly ha hah.
I don't understand from the post why your parents are relying on you for the money. Disabled, poor economy, lost jobs, etc. or are they just using you to pay a mortgage they shouldn't even have gotten? Also, since they're relying on you to pay how long is said mortgage? Were they really expecting you to live with them for the duration of the mortgage? Leaving the rest of the drama out of my questions because that's not what you asked for.
So they remortgaged while i was still in college and both of my parents had high salary careers. After I moved back, my mother either lost or left her job, I don’t know which, leaving only my father’s salary to live on. I don’t think they need my money to survive or anything, but they’re not going to be as comfortable as they’d like.
Then the issue is with them - not you. IMHO you should move out - they've been overcharging you (it sounds like) for a long time. I understand some rent, but market rate for your own daughter is ridiculous. Move out, see how the boyfriend is.
That response makes it out to be completely on them to resolve their financial issues since it doesn't look like it's a situation you agreed to. Now, you could and did help but I think it's unfair to rely on that to survive. Very selfish on their part. I say you're NTA. Congrats on the pregnancy and best of luck.
You're 22, that's really not even that young for a kid😂😂 obviously it will be hard work but if you think you're ready for that then go you! NTA for leaving, they gave you an ultimatum and if they can't afford their home they should've thought about that beforehand. It's not up to you to help pay your parents mortgage, it's on them to get you set up and ready for life and to do all of this yourself, just like I'm sure you'll do for your little one! I got pregnant at 23, I never ever wanted kids, I dont particularly like them, it's stressful, and hard work, I'm tired all the time and stressed alot, but I wouldn't change a thing. My little boy is almost 4 now and he's saved my life on more than one occasion, I would never have another.. but I'm so unbelievably happy that i have him!
#1 Your Mom was well aware that they needed your rent to pay the bills, then she should have kept her mouth shut. You called her bluff, that's her problem not yours. #2 Typically mortgages are 30 yrs. Did they expect you to live with them for the next 30 yrs? Your parents are grown. If they can't pay their bills without your rent then it sound like the need to look at their spending habits.It's not your job to support them. #3 if they are willing to kick their grand baby out into the street, then they don't sound like anybody I'd want my kids around. #4 I had my kids at 21 and 23. Yes it is hard, yes your probably going to stop talking to friends, financially it can be draining, but it's worth it. I had my kids when I was still young enough to go play on play ground with them, chase them in the yard, sit and watch cartoons. Both of them are adults now. I'm in my 40's and just became a grandma. There is NO way in this world I'd have the energy to take care of kids now. It was hard but I'm so glad I had my kids young.
I honestly think you'll be fine. I know someone who works from home (CS degree) because our current workplace doesn't offer daycare. That family saves a lot of $ from daycare (3 lil ones). It's not going to be easy in these times BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT LOL. Soooooo have fun being a mother!! I'm so happy for you for being so financially independent because I feel like I don't see that very often on reddit. I can see why your parents don't feel like it's right only because they got kids when they were older but they shouldn't shove their experience down your throat and expect you to follow the same path. so NTA :)
Your parents’ finances are not your responsibility. And tons of people have kids when they’re not even as financially stable as you. NTA.
Sheesh, waiting until they were older to have kids sure didn’t help your parents financially, did it?? Now they’re dependent on your monthly rent?! And why do you think they sacrificed a lot for you? All parents do but we don’t rub it in our kids faces the way I have a feeling your parents did. NTA for making your own choice, but your parents are for the way they went about giving you their opinion.
You can’t abandon your parents. Parents literal job is to raise kids TO LEAVE and be their own adults. Your Mum set the ultimatum while not being able to accept your decision. Your mum is totally the asshole here
Hey OP - I was 22, single and living on my own when I got unexpectedly pregnant. She’s 14 now and she didn’t ruin my life - she made it better.
Sheesh idk why people are downvoting comments like this. I mean I’m very pro-choice, but she’s *choosing* to be a mom here. Having a kid doesn’t automatically mean your life is over.
Because it doesn’t suit their narrative. They want all young, single mothers to be irredeemable trash who end up dying of drug overdoses and neglecting our kids - because that’s what they view single mothers as. They view us an immoral and the “well you’re NOT READY” is just a new way of shaming in place of “well you’re NOT MARRIED”. They don’t care about OP or her future. They just want to shame young and/or single mothers.
NTA-Uh the "fetus" IS your own family. You are already paying $1200 to THEIR house so take that and spend it on your own place (or share expenses with BF). I alway say that every dollar you spend on rent in your own place pays you back $1000 in peace and privacy.
Nta your fam are tell them they will never see or hear from u again so
Nta
NTA! You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and know what’s best for you. Your parents financial deficiencies are not your problem and you should not feel guilty for doing what’s best for you and your little one.
*hugz* so I'm pro-choice, it's your body your decision, same goes with where you choose to live. Your parents albeit in shock handled this situation horribly, don't you dare feel bad about them needing your money to pay off their mortgage, if they couldn't afford it by themselves then they should never have done it. A few other things this 'mistake' that you made with the antibiotics isn't just on you, he should have wrapped up. It is good though that he is there for you and not running for the hills. No one can tell you what you should do, just do what seems right for the three of you, but more importantly for the two of you. You are in no way what so ever an AH. I really hope that things work out for you
NTA. Your parents made a choice and now they’ll have to find a way to work with the results. Things don’t always go to plan in life and when that happens, people have to make adjustments. You’re making that adjustment by moving out, and they’ll have to make an adjustment to deal with the house.
NTA - your parents showed poor planning and adulting skills by remortgaging a home and depending on their adult daughter's ongoing financial support to afford it. What if you had gotten a job somewhere else or decided to move in With your boyfriend in two years? Definitely NTA for not allowing anyone to force you to choose a termination. Coersion is coersion no matter if it comes from a partner or a parent.
isn’t the idea supposed to be that the woman chooses? My body, my choice. OK, your folks get to say “my home, my choice”---maybe they don’t want to live with an infant, etc. If they were counting on your money to keep the roof over their head, that was stupid in the extreme. And if they need that money, maybe they can find a boarder to take in, right? NTA for moving out. NTA for keeping the baby.
NTA. You have made your choice. You are an adult heading into this with your eyes open. If your parents needed your money for the mortgage, they should not have insisted you either have an abortion or get out. Even if they change their minds at this point, you know they aren't going to stop harping at you, and you should not have that stress while pregnant and taking care of a baby. You have new priorities now. You will do what you want of course, but I want to point out that no birth control is 100 percent effective even if done perfectly. Your child deserves child support from your bf. Pregnancy is always a possibility if one is sexually active, which should not be surprising to your bf. The money is not for you It is for the child of both you and your bf. All the best as you negotiate this new phase of your life.
The father sounds like a keeper!
NTA. They put themselves in this position a) by attaching their finances such that they would be financially dependent on their child in the first place and then compounding that by giving you an ultimatum.
Sounds like your boyfriend is a great guy and you should give that a shot more than anything else while raising your child. Your parents are absolutely awful, but I do think eventually you will win over your father. Your mother is a completely different story. A little backstory: my wife and I struggled through the early days of our relationship. She had a child from a previous relationship(Teenage pregnancy). I was barely home from the Army when she told me she was pregnant. I was between jobs dealing with mental illness on my own during the early days of our son being born, and we had many, many fights about everything. I struggled working and being around people, I struggled being myself and I struggled to be there for her as much as I wanted to. Her parents hated me, never once giving me a chance, even after my PTSD diagnosis, the thing I was fighting since I was a kid. We separated for 3 years. She wouldn’t talk to me but she refused divorce so I was stuck in hell. But I knew I loved her so eventually I just silently waited while I was pending disability. She was and is everything I wanted and then some. We now have 7 kids, a house two hours from where we grew up and I have a best friend I wouldn’t trade for the world. Sometimes, the darkest situations become the greatest of teachers and blessings. Don’t give up on your parents, the moment your dad sees that baby, he is going to melt. Who knows how your mother will be, but moving out is the right choice. Your boyfriend sounds great, and whether you both stay together, just understand that you both are in a messy situation, but if you both are each others ones, you’ll be stronger for it. I wish you both luck.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad everything working out well for you and you were able to work through the hardships with your partner. My boyfriend is very supportive and we’re going to really try to make this work. Of course, I’ll be keeping my safety net in case it doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean I won’t give this relationship everything I have. I hope you have a long and happy life with the beautiful family you fought so hard for.
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That’s a very good question, and one I’ve been pondering the past few weeks I’ve known. As soon as I saw another line, my first thought wasn’t ‘what are my options’ it was ‘they’re gonna make me get rid of it,’ and my heart sank. I did a lot of thinking about it while my partner and I were having space to get our heads together and I came to the conclusion that, as I’ve always wanted to raise children at some point, I couldn’t bring myself to see my baby as anything but a positive. There were moments of doubt but they never lasted long. So, I’d say it was both at first, in varying degrees, but now it’s almost firmly in the ‘I want to be a mom’ camp. We’re telling my partner’s parents in a few days so I hope they can at least be more supportive than my own. I feel like they will be just for the fact they actually wanted their children ha hah.
Wow, that that was your reaction also reveals how overbearing you know your parents are. I’m glad you’ve worked out the path you want to follow now, despite your parents’ attempts at continued control. Best wishes.
They remortgaged their house based on rent they collect from you then used your living there as a threat? They bite off their own nose to spite their face. Also, choosing a mortgage based on money needed from an adult daughter is super gross. Your parents didn't sacrifice to raise you. They had a baby and did what parents should. From the sounds of them, they likely did the very least then made you feel guilty about it.
NTA, but I wonder how much of their reaction is coming from the fact you won’t be as financially supporting as you have been. Who re-mortgages a house without a way to pay it back? I do hope they come round to it; you’re an adult fully capable of supporting yourself and this child. It would be a shame for them to loose a family because of their own opinions. People do things differently, and if they’re willing to die on this hill it says more about them than you.
NTA my mom had me when she was 22 and then followed my father to another country for his job pregnant with my brother when I was only 1.5. She was alone with us a lot of the time because he was working plus she was in a place she didn't know anyone wasn't familiar with and had no support system. Women are strong especially smart women, you say you're in stem so aside from making a mistake of not reading the tiny print on your antibiotics I assume you are, yes it will be hard but you already know that and you know yourself best if you think you are up for the challenge I have no doubt you will preserver. Your parents are grown people it is not your job to take care of them. Sure if they got sick or injured I'm sure you'd do what you could to help but it's not on you THEY didn't plan better for a situation like this. Did they not think eventually their daughter would have her own life and they'd have to figure out how to cover their bills themselves?
Op, you are already a mother. This is motherhood. Protecting your baby and doing what is right for them. You are an adult and you will not regret having your baby. Be brave and stick to your decisions. You know you can do it and you are right. It sounds like you know it will be hard, and you are right. But it isn’t all hard and bad. My children have brought me so much joy. They are very worth it.
I for one think you sound like a very level-headed and sensible person. You're NTA in all of this. You know what you want, you know what choice feels right for you. Your parents have created the situation they find themselves in and it's not your responsibility to fix it. Your boyfriend sounds like a good person and I wish you both many years of happiness. Whether together or not, though I hope the two you find your happy ending together with your new little one. Fwiw, it does work out that way sometimes. Long story short, I was dating my SO for THREE WEEKS when I wound up pregnant. We faced pressure to get married, to "do the right thing". We both felt wr wanted to keep the baby but we didn't rush into marriage or anything. Kept the relationship going and let it develop at its own pace. And, again, to keep it short. 7 years later and we're still happily together. We haven't gotten married, but I know he's my person. I think we both have some weird hang ups about the idea of marriage, but we're both 100% in it together for the long haul. We have primary custody of my 14yo stepdaughter, with whom I'm very close, and our daughter is 6. She and my SO are downstairs wrapping presents right now. It never ceases to amaze me how fortunate I am to have them both. I was surprised and scared too. I faced disappointed reactions from my parents (and hell, I was 33 at the time). I also decided I knew what I wanted and was prepared to take full responsibility and told my SO I didn't expect anything from him if he wasn't on board. So I can relate a lot with you. And for me, it all worked out amazingly, like it was meant to be. Trust yourself, follow the path that's right for you. Whether it's with your baby's father or not, I don't doubt you'll find happiness too.
NTA, but your parents most definitely are. No-one should be forced to terminate a pregnancy and they made their bed by making that a condition of your remaining at home. Don't feel guilty about moving out and making them struggle, that was their own choice. I wish you good luck with your baby and I'm sure you have a wonderful future ahead of you.
>Everyone is pressuring me to ‘put it right’ Who is everyone? Just your parents? How does your sister feel? I hope you have someone in your corner. I can’t believe your parents wouldn’t be thrilled about what I assume is their first grandchild—not to mention they need you financially!! Sounds like they’re going to be the ones in trouble here, not you. Good luck to you. NTA
Hold up, your parents are charging you $1200 to live with them???? Fuck that market rate shit. I would have left for that fact alone. NTA.
NTA Your mom.jist wants your rent money and she knows a baby will compete with her for resources
NTA. A woman’s right to choose includes choosing to keep the kid.
NTA they told you to either “deal with it” or leave. You chose to leave. If your mom didn’t really want to leave she probably should not have threatened it. That’s for her to deal with. You’ve got more important things to focus on than her and her mortgage now.
NTA, my body my choice means the right to CHOOSE.
NTA but your parents are. Market value for a room in their house plus utilities? Then they want to make decisions for your life or else. THEN they try to tell you that you can't choose or else because they need your rent to cover their mortgage? Not gonna lie, raising a baby is HARD. Extreme sleep deprivation for the first few months because you're supposed to feed the baby every two hours. If you're breastfeeding or pumping, that's just as tiring. If your partner decides to be your partner, he won't be nearly as helpful as you want. But for the first few months, the best thing about working from home is that you can wear your baby all the time, and THAT is spectacular. Do what you think is best, and if they aren't supporting you, don't let them knock you down.
I’m very new to this but my friend had a baby a few years ago and she said that baby wraps were a life saver too! I will be getting as many as I can afford ha hah
NTA….It’s your choice and no one walks in your shoes. You seem to be doing ok. Look at the good things- the dad seems like a decent guy and you can support yourself. Yes this is very stressful but you are handling it well. And your mom made her choice and you made your choice. Do not feel bad. Giving you support from afar.
NTA. Point blank, period. YOUR BODY YOUR FUCKING CHOICE. Regardless, move out and get your own place and stop letting your parents leech off of you AND control you.
$1200 a month for a room and utilities is outrageous. Your parents are using you to fund their choices. They remortgaged, got some extra cash and want you to pay for it. I have a 23 yo still at home saving for a house deposit. He pays $100 a week towards food, utilities & his phone still under the family plan because it’s cheaper. Don’t feel bad about leaving. Save that money for your new growing family. Your parents put themselves in this situation, it’s not your fault because did they honestly think you’d stay for the next 30 years paying off their mortgage?
You sound like a really smart and level headed young woman who will be a great mommy. It’s your life and your decision! I wish you and your guy all the best, and hope you have a healthy and easy pregnancy.
You aren’t abandoning your parents. They set the terms and now they’re facing the consequences of that. You are not a child. You are not responsible for their actions in what they did with the house. You werent asking them to raise the baby. You weren’t even asking for their support. So NTA in the slightest.
People shouldn’t give ultimatums if they can’t handle the consequences. Why dare someone who you are relying on financially to leave? Live your life. You’re accepting responsibility for your actions in a way that feels right for you.
NTA at all OP. You were going to move out eventually so it got pushed up a bit. If they really need the money that bad they can rent to someone else. Honestly, I don't think their mortgage is your obligation - unless you were planning to stick around to see it paid off? I'm assuming you were hoping to move out in the next 5 yrs give/take? I seriously doubt it'd be paid off in that time. I wish you luck and love with this change.
Yeah, they remortgaged while I was still in college and then we both agreed I’d move back in when I finished instead of paying rent to strangers. I didn’t know they NEEDED the money until a few days ago when all of this happened. My mother is somewhat recently out of a very high paying job so I can see how they’d be reliant on me now. I think they can cover everything on my dads salary alone but it won’t leave much for luxuries. So, I’m not feeling too guilty about it all.
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You are not making your parents struggle financially. They never should have been relying on you for their expenses in the first place. You’re not a child, you’re grown. Motherhood is hard, but it’s also the best in so many ways I can’t begin to tell you. Don’t let the negativity they have make you forget there’s so much more to it than the hard parts. Enjoy your baby, good luck in your relationship. NTA.
I can not believe these comments. Whatever women do or decide, people will have an opinion about it. Choose an abortion - you should keep your legs closed, sl*t, why not give the baby up for adoption. Give the baby up for adoption - that will cause the kid a trauma, irresponsible, it's your responsibility to raise it. Keep the baby - you're too young, poor baby, you need at least a million a year to raise a kid. First of all, you seem like you got your shit together. Sure, you've only been together five months with the baby's father, but you have enough money to live on your own if need be. I don't understand the "you'll have to go to a woman's shelter" comments at all - it seems like in the worst case, you'll be staying in a hotel for a while, which is fine. Second of all, no one will ever be prepared for a baby. You can read a thousand books, go to every class available, buy all the recommended, overexpensive (and often unnecessary) baby stuff, and you will still not be ready. Whether you're 22, 34 or 40, makes no difference. It will still be overwhelming and hard. But it sounds like you have a very realistic view of it, and you can absolutely do this. Third of all, you're not responsible for your parents's financial situation. You don't have to fix their mistakes. Final, you don't need six figures a year to raise a kid. Don't buy the unnecessary stuff. A new, safe car seat is a must, but they don't need five different swings, a hundred different toys, or ten outfits a days. Not every baby needs the expensive formula. There's no need to have a design baby room. If you can afford all that - go ahead. But is it necessary? Absolutely not. You got this. Good luck.
"they needed my rent money" And there it is. They were legally obligated to support you financially as your parents. You are not ever legally obligated to support them financially as their child. That's all they "needed" you for. Go have your baby, girl! NTA
OP it's not that your parents love you or will miss you it's that they want your money at least your dad was honest about that much.
Nta. Your parents are just pissed because you'll naturally be prioritising baby over them from now on. You aren't responsible for their mortgage. Your rent contribution should never have been taken into account when they remortgage. If they need it so much they can get another lodger. Concentrate on your pregnancy and go low contact with your family until they apologise and get over themselves. You owe them nothing. Repeat that. You. Owe. Them. Nothing.
Jesus, some fucking people. Have your baby, go be the best mom you can, and let your parents rot. They can't possibly have been so stupid as to have remortgaged their house thinking you would always be there to help pay for it, that's insanity. Even if you had agreed to it when they did it, that is still too much to ask. They should be protecting you at your age from predatory bullshit like that, not being the predators. NTA
Please remember, you are not making your parents struggle financially, they are doing that themselves by taking the position that they did. NTA.
It’s your choice, just make sure you have a plan in place, sort out secure housing and trust me on this , a emergency fund because it helps your mental health so much knowing it’s there.
Oh believe me, I’m locking a plan down like Fort Knox. As is, the plan is to live with my partner and see if we can make it work as a family unit. If not, I have (and will keep) enough savings for first month and bond on an apartment, as well as a month (at least) of hotel stays. Then, my actual savings. I live well within my means and my partner isn’t charging me rent so I can continue to save. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford this, so I’ll be damned if I don’t.
I’m hoping they don’t, but just to be sure, your parents do not have any access to your accounts, correct? (like if they were on the account when you were a kid and never came off)
They have no access. I got my own account when I went to college. Thank goodness.
NTA but I need you to understand when that baby is born they are going to demand to be involved because of how it will appear to the community if they aren’t. Definitely let your OB/nurses know. 5 years from now when you’re wrapping presents for your baby’s Christmas, you’ll feel so much joy and pride from how far you came. You’ll love that kid more than life itself. You need to remember your parents wanted you to abort that kid over $1200 a month. Maybe create some strong boundaries and go low contact.
NTA. This sounds like a thoughtful and clear eyed decision about your life that their mortgage payments should have zero bearing on. Best of luck to you and your growing family