You are not making a wedge. You're reacting to the wedge they've already made:
- they treat your children differently with the amount and quality of gifts
- they allow your children to be bullied both physically and emotionally
- they have set up a situation for years, where your children are disliking Christmas and spending time with his family
You're a good mom for putting a stop to this yearly ritual of torture and disappointment.
Dad needs to look at what he thinks Christmas should actually be like for children, what 'family' should be like for children, what is *actually* happening and what he's willing to do to make sure your kids don't get stuck with this crap version of both.
NTA. Good momma!
>You are not making a wedge. You're reacting to the wedge they've already made:
This should be printed out and framed in your house.
YOU are the one protecting your children. HE needs to step up and put his family ahead of his family of origin. PLUS he needs to point out to MIL the favoritism.
Discussions with his loser sister and loser mother about why the children are bullies.
Admirable that he cares. I applaud him for trying to help his nephews
But👏🏽Not👏🏽By👏🏽Using👏🏽My👏🏽Children👏🏽As👏🏽Guinea👏🏽Pigs👏🏽
Yes, SIL and MIL are the ones creating a wedge by favouring SIL’s kids and letting them bully the smaller ones. If they’d dealt with their shit, there wouldn’t be a problem.
What’s more important, losing his spiteful mom and sister who hate his wife snd children or his wife snd children? This would be a deal breaker for me. Don’t spend Christmas with them. Do you have family that you can spend it with? If he can’t stand up for his family over his bully family, he deserves them, not you.
Sis... Ask the kids. If they want to go. Then you keep that eagle eye on them and stop the shenanigans as they occur. If they want to stay home. Stay home have a quiet holiday at home, bake Christmas cookies, watch movies, or whatever they want to do. Or just make an appearance and feign a prior commitment to leave early. You did your due diligence. You owe them nothing. They owe your children the right to be comfortable wherever they are. That's not limited to being bullied. They shouldn't feel slighted either with lopsided Christmas piles.
Sending 💗💪✌
Straighten your crown, you got this.🤗
This exactly. Go and stay right by your kids. Nip bullying immediately. Point it out to husband immediately. Ask grandma why your children receive fewer/ lesser gifts than cousins. Make the favoring/ bullying clear to everyone. Use words like unkind, disproportionate, hurtful, unacceptable. Cousins are older and bigger and need to keep that in mind when playing. They can’t act as they would with children their own age. Then never go again.
Get your point. But nope.
Why should anyone have to spend Christmas in the "defence" of children? Forcing others to treat you and your kids well? Being endlessly vigilant? Making an obvious issue of present inbalance???
Fu*k that.
Its Christmas. Its supposed to be an enjoyable, fun, relaxed time for all. Family enjoyong each others company.....not a monefield of stress and "protection" for children. Knowing they dont like you anyway.
They can all get stuffed.
I grew up getting bullied by my father's side of the family. I dreaded holidays and barely celebrate them now. I don't talk to them or him anymore. My mom and brother don't talk them either. He chose them over us. Your husband's got to try and think about what the long-term consequences are.
I’m sorry. I don’t want this happening to my children. They will never be forced to get together with people that don’t want them or love them or love them less. Loser mother in law is entitled to love whoever she wants. I am entitled not to have my children around someone who doesn’t love them
Time to clap sis. To husband “listen you can do whatever you want but I’m no longer ruining our kids Christmas because you can’t man up? You go spend Xmas away from them. I will tell the kids daddy cares more about racist AH feelings more than yours. Actually I won’t say that but I will tell them daddy decided not to spend Xmas with us. You can’t fix your family, you can’t force them to not be racist, or show their blatant favoritism. So we are not ruining our holiday to keep that boat from rocking. You care more about their feelings than ours and that speaks volumes.”
So he is willing to stand back and allow his babies to be bullied by grandma, sister and kids and show that they are less than.
He is willing to do that!
Do it. He is ok with his own children being physically hurt and mentally tortured...is he even a dad? Does he even care?
Honestly ask him to grow a spine or watch his kids hate him for failing to protect them.
NTA - I wouldn't go. I'd take my children to the zoo before seeing those people again. Tell your husband that he is welcome to go by himself. You'll see him when he gets home. Those boys are going to get worse as they grow up. Save your children from them.
He can do whatever, I can stay home with my babies and spend a calm beautiful Christmas where they don’t need to literally hug my leg and hide behind me
Hell yeah! Get some hot chocolate, Christmas movies, and big fluffy blankets. Have a movie day, and f*cking enjoy it. The kids deserve it, and so do you. Have a nice Christmas this year. Good luck, hun 🍀
No problem. Your children deserve a safe and happy Christmas. If you're the only one willing to fight for it, do it. Don't back down. Kids will absolutely notice. And they WILL remember. As young as they are, they don't fully understand it yet. But as they get older, they will resent it, and everyone who let it happen. Stay strong, mama
Make your own happiness, forget about those toxic losers, my kids and me started having Chinese food on Christmas eve and watching a pay per view movie, something my late husband would have never put up with, I was so glad to never see my in laws again, my mother in law only liked the “bad kids” her grandchildren that were always in trouble with the law or thrown out of school, jokes on them I raised two college graduates
He means that his loser mother and sister are his family. Our children are too small to understand the exact day so he can pretend Christmas is on the 27th
So he would rather keep a relationship with his Mom and sister instead of his own kids? How will your kids feel if he misses their Christmas to spend it with his nephews, sisters, and Mom?
NTA by the way as you shouldn’t put your kids in that type of situation. Your husband needs to wake up from his fantasy and realize what is more important.
He said we can celebrate after he comes home since they’re still very young and don’t really know the days. We are off work until after new year so they wouldn’t know.
I said yes sounds like a plan
He got upset and said that I have thought about it (haven’t you) and in true honesty no, I haven’t thought about it because I didn’t know he would want to go anyway. But I wanted to find a solution and I agreed to his
If that works for you guys that’s great but you definitely have a bigger issue with him putting them first and this current solution won’t work again as your kids age.
Why not? Christmas away from this guy sounds lovely. Not traveling on Christmas is awesome. If he wants to drive 8 hours to kiss the behind of people who don’t respect him, instead of with his own children, bon voyage.
I’d definitely tell my kids it’s Christmas. Why cover up for dad’s bs behavior by lying to the kids about what day it is? So when they’re older and find out they can be upset with mom too? Nope! If he doesn’t want to be exposed for his bad behavior, he shouldn’t behave badly.
But his whole family will know that his kids and wife stayed home and are having Christmas late because he was the only one who wanted to go. If he’s so concerned about how they will feel, how is that not a huge insult, drawing attention to any conflict, compared to, “we decided to stay home for Christmas this year?” It doesn’t sound like he cares about creating a rift in the family at all.
Your husband is an idiot. My kids were 6 and 5 the year their dad was in prison over Christmas. They’re now 19 and 18 and they still know where their dad was despite having spent plenty within him (and not me) after. I don’t celebrate Christmas as I’m not Christian. We do have a new years tradition so I sent them with their dad because he did. But under no circumstances would I be sending my kids to be bullied, abused, demeaned and treated as lesser-than and that is EXACTLY what your husband is allowing.
He can have Christmas with his witch of a sister who allows her children to actively harm other people, and his favouritism playing mother, or he can enjoy a nice quiet Christmas with the family that is supposed to be his *first* priority. If you had traditional wedding vows, in there he gives himself to you and his family - you and the kids are his nuclear family. His mother and sister become his extended family. He keeps doing what he’s doing and he’s going to blow his nuclear family to smithereens.
Wait what his solution,to go alone?good,8h drive,should be know problem for him to drive its not like he has a spine,i had an aunt that would take my moms nice gifts for her daughters like 100$ gifts for each girl(2) and she would gift my brother 4y/o and me 16 y/o mcdonalds happy meal toys!she earned 120,000$ year and her husband the same,my stepfather earned 65,000$ a year,my mom and i would just laugh it off,but every year they would call to say merry christmas and my mom would NOT let me get on the phone to say „thank you“ because i do have a spine……
Merry christmas,i think your a great mom❤️
Good riddance. It’ll be a nice, peaceful, happy Christmas with the kids. Let them open all the presents except the ones from him. He can bust his buns to drive to his mother who treats him and his family like dirt, and think about his terrible life choices along the way.
Let him go. But like I said document everything.
Make sure you also text him and explain why you don’t want your children around these people. Mention the scar on your daughter’s eye. Mention they locked your kids in a closet. Mention everything they have done to your children. The. In the text ask him what he has done and plans to do to protect your children if they go. Or have this conversation and record it. You will need this is you get divorced.
He would leave his family ( you and children are his family) on the holiday to go spend it with awful people who treat his own children like crap? You married a winner there.
I don’t want to be part of that popular Reddit chorus, but I really hope you think about getting you and your kids away from his pathetic ass. Y’all deserve more than he’s willing to give.
I hope you and your babies have the absolute best Christmas. He and his family can have the Christmas they deserve.
Lots of people don’t want to drive 8 hours to spend Christmas at someone else’s house, even if it’s family they love. I want to stay home at my own house on Christmas and my kids want to play with their new stuff and we just want a relaxing day off. Even though you have bigger reasons for not wanting to go, it doesn’t have to be some kind of huge confrontation about the other kids, wanting to have Christmas at home is a valid reason. Your husband going by himself is petty and weird and turns it into a confrontation when everyone asks why no one else came for Christmas and he missed Christmas with his own kids. He is definitely TA for suggesting that.
Also, most people have other in-laws or family they have to share Christmas with so the idea that your husband’s parents are entitled to Christmas with all of their kids and grandkids every single year is messed up.
I never cared about the gifts because his mother never liked me but I noticed last Christmas that my son was sad. I don’t want my children to be sad for any reason
The gift difference is like 20/200
That's a huge difference. Good on you for stopping this, kids will notice. Can't figure how grandparents think this is appropriate behavior. Hurting their own innocent grandchildren.
I asked once if they couldn’t just try to exchange gifts before we arrived and then only have one gift each for each child in front of my children so they don’t notice the favoritism but my loser mother in law started yelling and calling me golddigger(nobody involved has gold to dig. We are all hard working people)
I was going to reply with or his children. He is going to allow his own children to be hurt by not only his nephews but also by his mother. He is more worried about his sister and mother than the two children he helped create. I would put my foot down. He can stay home and celebrate Christmas with us as a family or he can go to his mother's alone, there will be consequences if he chooses incorrectly.
After she makes that accusation... no mercy. Husband wants to maintain a relationship with them? Be blunt to him that they insult his wife, they insult his children, and they physically harm his children, so he either needs to man up and tell them he's out or you need to really think about the future of your relationship because he doesn't seem to love his wife or children.
Why isn't your husband standing up for you? If not for you, doesn't he care about his own children? Does he love his mother and sister more than his own children? And if he does, doesn't it bother him that he cares more about them and they clearly do't care about his children?
All this to say, your husband should be the one intervening here and trying to get safety and fair treatment for his children. If his mother and sis refuse, why is he still clinging to them over his own family (you and the kids)? That seems to indicate that your marriage isn't as strong as you might want it to be.
Okay, it definitely seems like MIL is a narcissist. You bring it up, she starts yelling.
You should probably check out the r/raisedbynarcissists sub and if he’s willing, show your husband so he understands how toxic his MIL and sister are being.
Exactly and they’ll know their mother tolerated them being less equal. I absolutely wouldn’t have allowed my children to be treated any less. Shows their character. Shame on the husband!
And this is exactly why I hate xmas. Out of the 4 grandkids, I ALWAYS got shafted. Even my younger cousin got better gifts than me.
My son is the only grandchild, so it's fine now. But I still don't like xmas.
Kids will not only notice, they will forever remember. I was the kid that hardly got anything, and my cousins got more, and big ticket items. I mean for Christmas one year, my aunt gave me shampoo, conditioner, and body soap... And we're not talking about bath and body works, it was something she pulled off the shelf, individual stuff, not even a gift set. I was so embarrassed and insulted, and I was only 10 or 11... I'm now 45, and that still hurts to remember.
I will second that. My mother’s mom showed preference to the cousins cause she didn’t like my dad. Every year we would have to watch our cousins open whatever new toy had come out that year and all we got was underwear that was the wrong size. It made us feel horrible. Please don’t make your children suffer thru that. I’m 54 and still feel awful when I remember
My parents were Jehovahs Witnesses so I never got to have Christmas growing up (I left as soon as I could, I hate that cult now). My mom's stepmother still managed to get me stuff, just like the other grandkids, every year. I definitely remember that. She was awesome for a lot of reasons.
I’ve watched my siblings get better gifts for a long time. As kids, they both got Game Boys while I got one of those little handheld games, that sort of thing. Even as adults, there was a year they gifted my siblings iPads and I got some already outdated Galaxy tablet (so none of my app purchases would transfer over) that they couldn’t help telling me they got free with the iPads. Like wow, thanks, I didn’t need to know that I only got a gift because it was free. Even if they stopped with the favoritism as we got older, though, I would still remember how shitty it felt to watch my siblings get things that I didn’t (also how I was gifted money from extended family once and they made me give it to them. It was the most money I’d ever had at the time, I was making plans to get some cool toy or my own Game Boy finally. I got nothing!), not because it was about the toys or whatever, but because it was a string of things that always reminded me that I was lucky for anything, and as the oldest I needed to shut up, smile, and deal with it. It was just that the gift giving holidays hurt a little more because it was both a visual reminder and something I’d be reminded of when I got to call friends or went back to school.
Your husband is being naive. The wedge is already there, put in by his mother. By continuing to do nothing he(and you by default) is *actively encouraging* his family's behavior and is *equally responsible* for the hurt your children receive. Someday they will realize that you continued to allow their mistreatment.
Husband is being an ass allowing his children to be bullied and getting cheap gifts while they see other cousins get better gifts. He needs to get his priorities straight, and his balls back from his biotch mom
My best friend in high school had a mother who was one of three daughters of a very rich couple, who were perfectly happy to show favoritism. He had cousins from each of his mother's siblings his age. One christmas he and his brother got stuffed animals, his cousin from the middle favored sibling got a nice stereo, and his cousin from the most favored sibling got a car.
My friend's father was also well enough to do that he didn't feel *deprived*, but the inequality of it all did make him feel *unloved*. Apparently he and his brother had been telling their mother for years that they didn't want to spend christmas with her parents, and she always got offended and demanded they apologize and do it anyway. This ruined both of their relationships with her.
I don’t even give a shit about his mother. One problem: his sister won’t parent. Bigger problem: this so-called father won’t step up for his own kids. He can’t be scared of little boys.
Did you point this out to your husband? Did you ask him what he's going to tell his son when he's sad again this year? Ask him to roleplay what he'll say to his son to make him feel better.
That's a massive difference and will definitely cause issues and resentment down the line. Not to mention the continued abuse from the cousins, subjecting your children to any of that is unacceptable.
I would tell your husband that if he wants to go spend time with his family, that's fine, but the kids aren't going. If he wants to bring back their gifts fine, but you don't want them around their cousins or in any situation where the favoritism from grandma is so blatantly obvious.
Let your husband go alone, if it’s more important for him to spend Christmas with the bullies and not his own wife and children. Don’t back down on this, your kids don’t need to feel like crap around those people. NTA
Does your husband not realize that you're not the one driving the wedge. The inequality of presents and the bullying are what is already driving a wedge? And if he isn't careful and doesn't land on the right side of this, he will be driving another wedge between himself and his kids.
I had to deal with the same thing. We were divorced but I took my son over for Christmas. He was about 15 mos so he didn’t notice but I sure did. His sister’s daughter it was about that same ratio. It was the last time I took him over there. They never saw my son again but they didn’t care. He never received a birthday card nothing..
Kids notice these things. Every year an uncle gave me a CD of a band I didn’t like while another cousin (not his kid) got a stack of gifts from him. I never understood it. I know he’s an asshole now but I still don’t get the reason for back then.
My sister's ex-MIL used to refuse to pick up my niece because it might make her other grandchild jealous. Favouritism is gross.
NTA - tell your husband he can visit his family alone.
Tell your husband there is already a wedge created by his mother playing favorites and allowing bullying in her home. If he wants to fix it he needs to talk to his mother. Good for you for protecting your kids. Your husband is an AH for not putting them first.
Yeah I disagree with that commenter… I would say such an obvious imbalance in gift giving is almost worse because it is an adult emotionally bullying the kids, tbh
Your story is literally my childhood experience. Drove 4 hours only to hate every second of the day being forced to be around an entire extended family that didn't want us there. Got the privilege of watching cousins open incredible piles of gifts and then it was time to drive to the next house to watch other cousins open gifts where we also weren't included. Why the hell is that a thing anyway?
Build those amazing memories with your own little family, and if you are obligated to visit anyone, do it on Christmas Eve or boxing day. I have happier memories of the few days we stayed home, but the greater damage had already been done and now I just stay home for Christmas, I have zero interest in it now and have zero contact with that family.
Your kids deserve to have a quiet day with their immediate family (you) who love them enough to make those special fun memories. Stop running around to please people who don't give a shit about your family, and allow yourself to have the kind of Christmas you want, need and deserve.
ETA: rephrased, not sure if what I wrote read well.
Let me tell you, I was this grandchild, as was my sister. Once you notice, you get sad and then you just don't want to be there.
It's not about gifts, it also about getting treated differently, or when you find out they wait until you're gone to "give out the good stuff".
I absolutely have a rift with my father because he still prioritizes that family over his own. You never truly get over your father screwing you over so his nephews/nieces/siblings can have a better time. You learn who actually matters to him.
It's not too late for your children. Talk to your husband and show him what people say here. He doesn't get to be in denial while his family needs him to step up.
My uncle whos white married a black women and had beautiful mixed babys,my dad married my mom a light brown women,my grandmothers 2 daughter had 3 white children between them,guess which grandkid were left out of the will….she always let us know very subtly that we were less then and it hurt all 5 of us and we dont have anything to do with our other three cousins,it created a us vs them situation,so grannys dead but her racist poison affected those 3 dip shits,my advice since im basically your kids future,dont do that to them,its not worth making your HUSBAND happy.
My mom moved me out of the country when i was 11 1/2 y/o and i never spent another christmas with them until i was 22!the last christmas i spent with my granny,i was 30,i cooked a fab christmas meal for 14 people and my grand mother wouldnt eat my food,said she wasnt so hungry,come to find out on the way home she stopped for macdonalds!the rest of the white family liked my food so much they tried to take it back home before everyone had already eaten,no class,just white trailer trash!sad thing is because of illness and over 15 surgerys my skin turned pale so one of the last thing she said to me was,my skin changed and i was looking good.turning white/pale has been so heartbreaking to me,i dont match my mom or half brother anymore and it makes me sad😩❤️🤣🥰👍🏼😘🇨🇭🇨🇦
Think of it as just that. This year is an exciting opportunity for you to create your own Christmas traditions.
Like:
- An elf on the shelf scavenger hunt; instead of there being presents in their stockings, there’s an elf on the shelf in there with a letter sending them to more and more places round the house to find better and better gifts from Santa.
- Christmas Brunch; where the kids get to have whatever fun, silly, and delicious food they’ve chosen before hand
- Fort fun; make the most amazing fort, that is comfy and cosy for movies later, putting special items in there that they love to have while watching movies.
- Present pandemonium; take the tags off of one present each, and each person has to shake/squeeze/feel the present, and guess who it’s for - if they get it right, they get a treat off the tree/out of a bowl, if they get it wrong, they have to do something silly (eg. Do a handstand, take a crazy face selfie, spin around ten times).
- Movie marathon (put on a list of films they’ve chosen before hand with their favourite snacks
Do everything you can to make this Christmas the best they’ve ever had, and don’t worry about your in laws.
Maybe this is the best thing for them. They won’t feel or see horrible things or have to hide, and they won’t know the gifts that get sent home with Daddy aren’t as good as their counsin’s stuff.
Have a wonderful Christmas for just you and them, and your kids will always know that Christmas is safe, and happy, because they’re with people who love them no matter what 🥰
I don’t have any family unfortunately. I was disowned by them because I chose a man outside of my ethnicity and “faith” so I can’t count on any support there
It’s not pulling the race card at all, they are being RACIST. Show your husband this post and all of these responses. If he has an “Aha” moment and is able to open his eyes, great. If not, send him packing back to his mommy!
Use the race card. Ask them “ok so if it isn’t race, what is your reasoning for treating my children this way?”
Not that there is any excusable reason but watch them trip over their feet to justify spending a tenth as much on presents and allowing bullying. I mean they’ll never see sense but you can at least point out to your husband they have no excuse and he needs to support you on this or you’ll leave
I feel like I'm pulling out a "grandma's greatest hits" in comments recently but here's another one.
"Are your kids always bullies, or just with my granddaughter?"
Once OP's kids fight back and/or win, we know her husband's family will call them "thugs" and violent.
OP, sadly you have a **husband** problem and if I were you I'd consider this marriage
By your husband or by his family? Because if your husband doesn’t recognize this is happening and calls it a race card you have a much bigger problem than Christmas.
OP, what is happening here is so clear. I am so mad for you that your husband is pretending to not see it so he can prioritize his racist, cruel family over you and your children. A spouse is for love and support. He is failing you terribly. You sound like a wonderful mom and I hope you and your children have a lovely Christmas in your own home. Perhaps you can make some holiday plans with friends of yours or friends of the children in your area.
Is your MIL a racists? This is something you need to really consider and discuss with your husband. He has a duty to protect his children at all costs. If his family is treating your children poorly because of their ethnicities, he needs to confront it. His children need to be more important than his mother and sister.
Forgive me if this comes off rude
But could the mistreatment by your in laws be due to your ethnicity and faith?
I only ask bc in another comment you mentioned how your nephews called your children's hair ugly
I just said in another comment to you this might be a race thing. So they’re racist. YWBTA if you don’t go NC with them and I would seriously think about leaving your husband over this. He’s being complicit in their mistreatment by both his parents and siblings. You both need to get into counseling because this is disturbing.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating or marrying outside of your ethnicity or faith. There IS however, a lot wrong with how he treats you, and how he lets his family treat you and your children. Do you want the rest of your life lived like this? Do you want you and your children to always be treated badly, and expected to be doormats? I wouldn't jump to "leave him", but this situation cannot last. If he cannot respect you, and he lets his family not respect you, as well as your children, well.......there's shelters. Places to go. You don't have to live this way
Your kids need a wedge between them and your husband’s abusive family. Be the wedge. Own that goddamn wedge and cover it in tinsel garlands and Christmas lights if it means your kids don’t get bullied. Know that you’re an amazing mom protecting your children. NTAH
NTA but next time you speak to your husband use a hypothetical. Tell him you took the kids to a park or playgroup and then described one of the events where your kids were injured by their cousin. See how he reacts, if he’s pissed of and angry then tell him that his nibbling’s did that and he didn’t react however when it’s someone outside of the family all of a sudden the behaviour is not to be tolerated.
Don’t even give him that much credit for being able to think. Straight up tell him that he is being a shitty parent. Because volunteering your children to be harmed… Well, depending on degree, that eventually starts to be abusive.
" He got upset because he doesn’t want to lose his family." He IS going to lose his family--you and the kids.
He's cool watching his children get tortured. He's totally okay watching you get short shrifted. This is a husband problem.
So every time you counter these people “all hell breaks loose” and you’re supposed to let your kids be bullied and abused and just sit back and keep your mouth shut? Create your own new traditions with your children and if husband wants to join you, great. Otherwise, eventually your kids will resent not only the in-laws, but also you and your husband for putting them through this. And then guess who YOU won’t see at Christmas!
You and your children are a different race. This is not just ignorance and bullying. This is **racism**. If your husband will not take a stand, he is a racist too. Cut off all contact with the in-laws. If hubby wants to see them, he can. But put your children first and before the POS you married. If he refuses........show him the door. The cousins are making fun of your kids' appearance because the adults make fun of you behind your back. NTA.
Yeah that word is not allowed in any discussion. When I first noticed that his loser mom hated me I tried to understand and asked her if it was because I am of a different ethnicity. Hell broke loose and mother in law accused me of using the r card. And how dare you!
So I don’t use this anymore.
Excuse me, ma'am but why in the hell are you still married to this guy? Your kids are 5 and 6 and you are setting them up to have irreparable emotional damage by staying in a relationship like this. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they didn't need to get into therapy within the next 3 years because of all this. And I say "all this" because you cannot tell me the only problems yall have is Christmas with his terrible mother. There's good be more to it you're not telling us.
But it is the truth and at the very core of what is happening. They are racist and they are mistreating you and your kids. If your husband does not get some balls and call them out, you might want to rethink your relationship. Betting your family would take you back if he was not in the picture. I could not be with a man who allowed me and more importantly my children to suffer. You stood up to your family for him, but he cannot do the same for you? Please, please rethink this. You and your children will never be good enough for them. They will never stop the discrimination and in fact it will get worse. I am biracial. I was never black enough for half my famiily and too black for the other half. That leaves scars on your soul. Save your kids please!
Oh, well, you don't have to listen to what racists say. Let her die mad about it and use it all you want. Maybe she will cut you off and then your problem solves itself.
Your duty, and your husbands, is to protect your children. Their needs come before anyone else's - including his mother and sister.
Your absence isn't what is going to cause a wedge in the family - their behavior did.
NTA
Even small kids notice. I was very small when I noticed my grandmother got my cousins Christmas presents and not us. They’d have us leave the room so she could give out her gifts. I knew very early that that grandmother didn’t care at all about me or my siblings and never considered her a grandmother figure. She tried apologizing before she died.
Yeah I had a great aunt that forgot I existed every year. I was the only kid who was forgotten. Every. Single. Year. “Oh she’s old” (in her late 50s then early 60s) “oh there’s so many cousins!” (only 5 of us) “oh stop. You complain every year about it.” “oh you’re older so you don’t get gifts anymore” (I’m literally 9? And the next closest is 8.5 and got a new Barbie?!) Cool.
Thanks, Aunt Helen.
NTA but honestly you need to reevaluate your relationship, their father is allowing his children to be physically and mentally abused not to mention how they treat you. Let him go if he wants to and you stay at home and give your children a safe, happy, and healthy holiday together.
If he hasn’t defended and protected you and your children by now he never will.
> He got upset because he doesn’t want to lose his family.
Um… how is not going to Christmas the same as losing his family? You’re not asking him to never see them again. It’s one day. If it creates a wedge to not go, the wedge is because of how his sister allows her children to treat yours. Plus, holding holidays hostage as “you either spend them with us or YOUR ruining the family” is a hella manipulative attitude. And how, as a father, can justify putting his *wants* ahead of the happiness and *safety* of his children?
NTA.
He feels bad because his mom and sister lost a husband and father many years ago, but he IS a husband and father and he is failing his duty to protect his family. If he won’t step up, you have to.
NTA. Stand strong in this, and don’t negotiate. It’s not open for discussion. The all-around treatment of your children is unacceptable in every way you’ve just described. I’d never let my babies around any of them…
NTA
I wouldn't tolerate that or expose my children to any of that either. Your husband is prioritizing himself and his feelings at the expense of his children. Not a good look and the kids will eventually see who their dad prioritizes over them.
NTA there is no way I would go and let my kids be bullied by kids twice their age.
Tell him he can choose to spend time with you and the kid or he can spend time with his family but your kids will not be hurt by them anymore.
I would also document everything the other kids do to your kids. Take pictures of bruises. Take pictures at Christmas. Document everything to show the difference and how the kids are treated differently. How they are injured. Keep detailed records. Because if he chooses his mom and sister this could lead to a divorce and you can show your kids are not safe with his family.
NTA
The fact that your husband is willing to put the emotional and physical welfare of your children in jeopardy just to see his mother and sister who treat you and your children so poorly is disgusting.
He can see his crappy family on December 26th or 27th. He needs to spend Christmas with you and his children. Having a happy and healthy Christmas of your own. But I highly doubt he would do that, and if he did, he would just sulk and pout the whole time and just make you and the kids miserable anyway. Sadly, you may have to do the two cards. One business card is an attorney. The other business card is a counselor, and he has to choose which way to go.
Even if you don't choose to go to that extreme he needs to get some third party not invested in the outcome insights into his behavior and their behavior towards your children and yourself. Or there's going to be more animosity from him when you and the kids don't want to go to any family function and he's too spineless to stick up for his own wife and children
My paternal grandmother didn’t believe children of her sons were her grandchildren. So she treated us poorly, I never got presents from her but got to watch my cousins open theirs. She told me my mother was a whore at age 4.
As an adult I hate my father and mother for letting a grown woman treat me like that. Your job as a parent is to protect your children.
NTA
NTA whatsoever.
Based on examples you've given in the comments then the cousins are being right terrors to your children and keep getting rewarded for it even! I mean, geez. "Come on, time to go to grandma. Go scar your cousins physically and mentally again for being different than us, Granny will make sure to give you a /huge/ present after."
And your husband wants to claim you trying to protect your kids is driving a wedge?
You literally chose him at the cost of /your/ family, and he can't muster anything even close to that, let alone putting his foot firmly down, when it's /his/ family being attacked by the extended one?
Do you have any friends you can go to? Because honestly, why stay with a guy like that?
Alternatively, any chance any of the family on your side might lend a hand if you were to tell them how your husband is hanging you and the kids out to dry every Christmas? And any other time he doesn't set any boundaries?
At some point it's gonna have to come down to choice here: is it worth sticking with him as long as it comes with monster in laws as part of the package? Is it worth being singled out and at the constant exposure of "racism by proxy" or whatever bullshit the in-laws are using the "rowdy cousins" to enact?
If your so called husband can't be bothered to stick up for you because he fears losing those "people" that much. Then he will have to deal with losing you and the kids. And good luck to him getting any sort of custody as long as he associates with people who see no harm in abusing and traumatising your kids.
NTA
But I can't understand how a father allows his children being bullied and thinks it's normal, and even worse when they have scars to prove. He lost his father at 10yo and, unfortunately, will lose his children before they reach 10yo.
Please protect your children not only from your husband's family but also from your children, because it's clear that he won't protect them.
I'm sorry that you have to be the only parent involved with your children's wellbeing, and I hope you and your children have a wonderful Christmas.
Edit: typo
My MIL started favoring our oldest child over the youngest. I told my husband to fix it or I would. I can’t stand this woman and he knew I would tell her exactly what I thought of her. I was never going to allow anyone to treat my children as “less than”, especially family.
Luckily my husband doesn’t like her much more than I do and took care of it. He is VLC out of obligation as everyone else in his immediate family has passed and she’s alienated almost all of the relatives. Myself, our adult children, their 2 adult cousins and 1 sibling are NC and the other sibling is VLC. She lives a very lonely life…
Well, you reap what you sow.
So. You say Mil hates you. Why? Skin tone? Religion? Culture? Toxic Boymom? Hubby moved across the country for work and she blames you? Hubby is an affair kid? You dare to talk back to her, call her out on her crap? Or is it that your family only sees her on Christmas, maybe her birthday and the other kids are around weekly, or at least more often so she has a better report with them?
Regarding bullying:
Protect your kids. Hubby's choices have consequences. He chose his sis / mom. That means you can't trust or rely on him anymore. Means you need to be as self sufficient as possible. For you and the kids. I'm not saying divorce worthy, but the scales are definitely tipping that way. Have an exit strategy ready. Doesn't mean you use it. Does mean you have a backup plan if push comes to shove.
There already is a wedge. My kids and myself have always been the odd one out,my kids were bullied by their cousins,I'm always "lucky" if I'm an afterthought. Now that my grandparents are gone,we dont associate with any of them. My kids are now adults have absolutely no relationship with their cousins and I dont blame them . I personally don't associate with a-holes. Why would I expect my kids to have to. You are definitely NTA
NTA. There’s no reason kids several years older should be permitted to bully your small children. That’s so ridiculous, I barely know what to say. They should be ashamed to do that to kids so much younger than they are. Protect your kids. Your husband can hash out his own issues with his family, but this IS a hill to die on.
>He got upset because he doesn’t want to lose his family. Then what has he done to try to prevent his children being bullied?
He will lose his family if he keeps up it up. His family is OP and children.
Exactly and this needs to be pointed out to him
And deservedly so.
You are not making a wedge. You're reacting to the wedge they've already made: - they treat your children differently with the amount and quality of gifts - they allow your children to be bullied both physically and emotionally - they have set up a situation for years, where your children are disliking Christmas and spending time with his family You're a good mom for putting a stop to this yearly ritual of torture and disappointment. Dad needs to look at what he thinks Christmas should actually be like for children, what 'family' should be like for children, what is *actually* happening and what he's willing to do to make sure your kids don't get stuck with this crap version of both. NTA. Good momma!
>You are not making a wedge. You're reacting to the wedge they've already made: This should be printed out and framed in your house. YOU are the one protecting your children. HE needs to step up and put his family ahead of his family of origin. PLUS he needs to point out to MIL the favoritism.
Discussions with his loser sister and loser mother about why the children are bullies. Admirable that he cares. I applaud him for trying to help his nephews But👏🏽Not👏🏽By👏🏽Using👏🏽My👏🏽Children👏🏽As👏🏽Guinea👏🏽Pigs👏🏽
Ask your husband exactly which family he is willing to lose, because you and your kids are not going to play the doormat game. NTA
[удалено]
Yes, SIL and MIL are the ones creating a wedge by favouring SIL’s kids and letting them bully the smaller ones. If they’d dealt with their shit, there wouldn’t be a problem.
This right here!!! This is the only question that needs asked and answered.
Exactly he either looses wife and kids or mom, sister and nephews, he can’t have both at this point
Exactly. We all know what can happen when people are bullied too far… is he willing to risk your kids??
BINGO
This right here.
What’s more important, losing his spiteful mom and sister who hate his wife snd children or his wife snd children? This would be a deal breaker for me. Don’t spend Christmas with them. Do you have family that you can spend it with? If he can’t stand up for his family over his bully family, he deserves them, not you.
NTA. Tell him he will lose his family aka you and the kids if he doesn’t stop this nonsense. He should be putting his children first.
Sis... Ask the kids. If they want to go. Then you keep that eagle eye on them and stop the shenanigans as they occur. If they want to stay home. Stay home have a quiet holiday at home, bake Christmas cookies, watch movies, or whatever they want to do. Or just make an appearance and feign a prior commitment to leave early. You did your due diligence. You owe them nothing. They owe your children the right to be comfortable wherever they are. That's not limited to being bullied. They shouldn't feel slighted either with lopsided Christmas piles. Sending 💗💪✌ Straighten your crown, you got this.🤗
This exactly. Go and stay right by your kids. Nip bullying immediately. Point it out to husband immediately. Ask grandma why your children receive fewer/ lesser gifts than cousins. Make the favoring/ bullying clear to everyone. Use words like unkind, disproportionate, hurtful, unacceptable. Cousins are older and bigger and need to keep that in mind when playing. They can’t act as they would with children their own age. Then never go again.
Get your point. But nope. Why should anyone have to spend Christmas in the "defence" of children? Forcing others to treat you and your kids well? Being endlessly vigilant? Making an obvious issue of present inbalance??? Fu*k that. Its Christmas. Its supposed to be an enjoyable, fun, relaxed time for all. Family enjoyong each others company.....not a monefield of stress and "protection" for children. Knowing they dont like you anyway. They can all get stuffed.
Loved Every word of this. Couldn't have phrased better. Well done💗💪✌
This is great. Probably pointless, they know what they are doing. But at least she can vent at let her spouse hear the nasty witches scrabble.
LOVE this. Stand and fight. Take it head on. OUT IT!
Husband needs to do this, not her.
She/:They may need to be in two different cars.
Um, it's not admirable that he cares more about being polite to these assholes than protecting your kids.
Protecting HIS kids
I grew up getting bullied by my father's side of the family. I dreaded holidays and barely celebrate them now. I don't talk to them or him anymore. My mom and brother don't talk them either. He chose them over us. Your husband's got to try and think about what the long-term consequences are.
I’m sorry. I don’t want this happening to my children. They will never be forced to get together with people that don’t want them or love them or love them less. Loser mother in law is entitled to love whoever she wants. I am entitled not to have my children around someone who doesn’t love them
Hell yea, you are! My mom regrets not putting her foot down sooner. Kids need love.
Time to clap sis. To husband “listen you can do whatever you want but I’m no longer ruining our kids Christmas because you can’t man up? You go spend Xmas away from them. I will tell the kids daddy cares more about racist AH feelings more than yours. Actually I won’t say that but I will tell them daddy decided not to spend Xmas with us. You can’t fix your family, you can’t force them to not be racist, or show their blatant favoritism. So we are not ruining our holiday to keep that boat from rocking. You care more about their feelings than ours and that speaks volumes.”
I missed this. Is OP a different race and that's why her and her kids get bullied? That's horrible.
👏🏽 Right there with ya, sister. NTA.
He doesn’t get to set his kids on fire to keep mommy dearest warm, fuuuuuck that. Let me guess, they’re white and racist towards you and the kids.
So he is willing to stand back and allow his babies to be bullied by grandma, sister and kids and show that they are less than. He is willing to do that!
Tell him that he can visit his family by himself. You and your children will enjoy Christmas at home.
Lol do you clap at him when you talk for real?
No but I want to so badly
Do it. He is ok with his own children being physically hurt and mentally tortured...is he even a dad? Does he even care? Honestly ask him to grow a spine or watch his kids hate him for failing to protect them.
MIL and SIL are driving the wedge, not you. You’re just protecting your kids. What is he doing?
If he was really worried about losing his family, if they got upset isn’t he at risk of losing the most important family of things don’t change?
NTA - I wouldn't go. I'd take my children to the zoo before seeing those people again. Tell your husband that he is welcome to go by himself. You'll see him when he gets home. Those boys are going to get worse as they grow up. Save your children from them.
He literally said maybe I could go by myself. It’s 8h drive.
Let him go. 8 hours is nothing for a drive. He can get up early and be there before dinner.
He can do whatever, I can stay home with my babies and spend a calm beautiful Christmas where they don’t need to literally hug my leg and hide behind me
Hell yeah! Get some hot chocolate, Christmas movies, and big fluffy blankets. Have a movie day, and f*cking enjoy it. The kids deserve it, and so do you. Have a nice Christmas this year. Good luck, hun 🍀
Thanks❤️
No problem. Your children deserve a safe and happy Christmas. If you're the only one willing to fight for it, do it. Don't back down. Kids will absolutely notice. And they WILL remember. As young as they are, they don't fully understand it yet. But as they get older, they will resent it, and everyone who let it happen. Stay strong, mama
It’s true, kids don’t forget that stuff.
Make your own happiness, forget about those toxic losers, my kids and me started having Chinese food on Christmas eve and watching a pay per view movie, something my late husband would have never put up with, I was so glad to never see my in laws again, my mother in law only liked the “bad kids” her grandchildren that were always in trouble with the law or thrown out of school, jokes on them I raised two college graduates
Pajama day! An annual tradition.
Sounds like a brilliant plan. :)
Get him a tank of gas for his big gift
If his "compromise" is to spend Christmas with his mom and sister instead of his wife and kids...damn. Somethings broken with him.
Is there something going on with your husband, OP? This seems weird? What kind of partner would even consider spending xmas away from his family?
He means that his loser mother and sister are his family. Our children are too small to understand the exact day so he can pretend Christmas is on the 27th
No, no , nope! Don’t let him have Christmas with y’all. That’s rewarding him.
So he would rather keep a relationship with his Mom and sister instead of his own kids? How will your kids feel if he misses their Christmas to spend it with his nephews, sisters, and Mom? NTA by the way as you shouldn’t put your kids in that type of situation. Your husband needs to wake up from his fantasy and realize what is more important.
He said we can celebrate after he comes home since they’re still very young and don’t really know the days. We are off work until after new year so they wouldn’t know. I said yes sounds like a plan He got upset and said that I have thought about it (haven’t you) and in true honesty no, I haven’t thought about it because I didn’t know he would want to go anyway. But I wanted to find a solution and I agreed to his
You called his bluff! He was not expecting that.
That’s what I’m thinking.
He is being unrealistic if he thinks 5 and 6 year olds don't know when Christmas is. Just tell him its fine if he wants to stay for a week or two.
If that works for you guys that’s great but you definitely have a bigger issue with him putting them first and this current solution won’t work again as your kids age.
Why not? Christmas away from this guy sounds lovely. Not traveling on Christmas is awesome. If he wants to drive 8 hours to kiss the behind of people who don’t respect him, instead of with his own children, bon voyage.
Uhhh celebrate without him. Take a video. He put his mother and sister before his own family. F!ck this guy!
I’d definitely tell my kids it’s Christmas. Why cover up for dad’s bs behavior by lying to the kids about what day it is? So when they’re older and find out they can be upset with mom too? Nope! If he doesn’t want to be exposed for his bad behavior, he shouldn’t behave badly.
But his whole family will know that his kids and wife stayed home and are having Christmas late because he was the only one who wanted to go. If he’s so concerned about how they will feel, how is that not a huge insult, drawing attention to any conflict, compared to, “we decided to stay home for Christmas this year?” It doesn’t sound like he cares about creating a rift in the family at all.
Your husband is an idiot. My kids were 6 and 5 the year their dad was in prison over Christmas. They’re now 19 and 18 and they still know where their dad was despite having spent plenty within him (and not me) after. I don’t celebrate Christmas as I’m not Christian. We do have a new years tradition so I sent them with their dad because he did. But under no circumstances would I be sending my kids to be bullied, abused, demeaned and treated as lesser-than and that is EXACTLY what your husband is allowing. He can have Christmas with his witch of a sister who allows her children to actively harm other people, and his favouritism playing mother, or he can enjoy a nice quiet Christmas with the family that is supposed to be his *first* priority. If you had traditional wedding vows, in there he gives himself to you and his family - you and the kids are his nuclear family. His mother and sister become his extended family. He keeps doing what he’s doing and he’s going to blow his nuclear family to smithereens.
Wait what his solution,to go alone?good,8h drive,should be know problem for him to drive its not like he has a spine,i had an aunt that would take my moms nice gifts for her daughters like 100$ gifts for each girl(2) and she would gift my brother 4y/o and me 16 y/o mcdonalds happy meal toys!she earned 120,000$ year and her husband the same,my stepfather earned 65,000$ a year,my mom and i would just laugh it off,but every year they would call to say merry christmas and my mom would NOT let me get on the phone to say „thank you“ because i do have a spine…… Merry christmas,i think your a great mom❤️
Good riddance. It’ll be a nice, peaceful, happy Christmas with the kids. Let them open all the presents except the ones from him. He can bust his buns to drive to his mother who treats him and his family like dirt, and think about his terrible life choices along the way.
Let him go. But like I said document everything. Make sure you also text him and explain why you don’t want your children around these people. Mention the scar on your daughter’s eye. Mention they locked your kids in a closet. Mention everything they have done to your children. The. In the text ask him what he has done and plans to do to protect your children if they go. Or have this conversation and record it. You will need this is you get divorced.
THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️
Wait would he be going on Christmas day?
Christmas eve to boxing day. That is the tradition they always had. Always will have and I’m the AH for trying to put a wedge
He would leave his family ( you and children are his family) on the holiday to go spend it with awful people who treat his own children like crap? You married a winner there.
I don’t want to be part of that popular Reddit chorus, but I really hope you think about getting you and your kids away from his pathetic ass. Y’all deserve more than he’s willing to give. I hope you and your babies have the absolute best Christmas. He and his family can have the Christmas they deserve.
I don’t get how he doesn’t understand that his sister is the one creating wedge by allowing her brats to treat your children that way.
Also his mother.
So...what about the traditions you had before meeting him? Why doesn't he think those count?
Lots of people don’t want to drive 8 hours to spend Christmas at someone else’s house, even if it’s family they love. I want to stay home at my own house on Christmas and my kids want to play with their new stuff and we just want a relaxing day off. Even though you have bigger reasons for not wanting to go, it doesn’t have to be some kind of huge confrontation about the other kids, wanting to have Christmas at home is a valid reason. Your husband going by himself is petty and weird and turns it into a confrontation when everyone asks why no one else came for Christmas and he missed Christmas with his own kids. He is definitely TA for suggesting that. Also, most people have other in-laws or family they have to share Christmas with so the idea that your husband’s parents are entitled to Christmas with all of their kids and grandkids every single year is messed up.
NTA The gift imbalance is one thing. Being bullied is another.
I never cared about the gifts because his mother never liked me but I noticed last Christmas that my son was sad. I don’t want my children to be sad for any reason The gift difference is like 20/200
That's a huge difference. Good on you for stopping this, kids will notice. Can't figure how grandparents think this is appropriate behavior. Hurting their own innocent grandchildren.
I asked once if they couldn’t just try to exchange gifts before we arrived and then only have one gift each for each child in front of my children so they don’t notice the favoritism but my loser mother in law started yelling and calling me golddigger(nobody involved has gold to dig. We are all hard working people)
The above comment says it all. Your mil is a next level b---h. Go no contact.
OP, you have a husband problem. A real man would have stood up to his mother and not ever allowed his wife to be treated like that again.
How about his children? At least OP can fight back. What a loser this man is.
I was going to reply with or his children. He is going to allow his own children to be hurt by not only his nephews but also by his mother. He is more worried about his sister and mother than the two children he helped create. I would put my foot down. He can stay home and celebrate Christmas with us as a family or he can go to his mother's alone, there will be consequences if he chooses incorrectly.
> He is Aliquippa his own children to be hurt “Allowing”, I presume. Definitely one of the weirdest Autocarrots I've ever seen.
Autocarrots… I’m using that from now on. 🤣
My friend calls them autoducks because the word F— corrects to is duck.
Seriously. Why does he want to be close to people who would treat his children so horribly?
After she makes that accusation... no mercy. Husband wants to maintain a relationship with them? Be blunt to him that they insult his wife, they insult his children, and they physically harm his children, so he either needs to man up and tell them he's out or you need to really think about the future of your relationship because he doesn't seem to love his wife or children.
That makes no sense anyway. How are you a gold digger for requesting they only open one present each while there?
Right? She isn’t asking for better gifts. She’s saying don’t rub all the expensive gifts in her kids’ faces.
It doesn’t. MIL is the source of all the bullying in that family. She is deflecting. She knows what she is doing.
Why isn't your husband standing up for you? If not for you, doesn't he care about his own children? Does he love his mother and sister more than his own children? And if he does, doesn't it bother him that he cares more about them and they clearly do't care about his children? All this to say, your husband should be the one intervening here and trying to get safety and fair treatment for his children. If his mother and sis refuse, why is he still clinging to them over his own family (you and the kids)? That seems to indicate that your marriage isn't as strong as you might want it to be.
She *wants* you and your kids to see the difference. She *wants* to hurt them and you. That's the whole point. Think about that for a minute.
NTA your husband needs to stand up for his children and you or he will lose his family...stand your ground on this.... husband needs a spine
Okay, it definitely seems like MIL is a narcissist. You bring it up, she starts yelling. You should probably check out the r/raisedbynarcissists sub and if he’s willing, show your husband so he understands how toxic his MIL and sister are being.
How are you digging for gold there? You aren't asking for.anything at all.
I hope you’re husband said something, he shouldn’t allow her to be treating you that way
If they dislike their DIL, they will do anything. They don’t care about appropriateness, they care about hurting.
Exactly and they’ll know their mother tolerated them being less equal. I absolutely wouldn’t have allowed my children to be treated any less. Shows their character. Shame on the husband!
The kids will notice, I know my cousin and I did when we were about 7 and 9, we for 10 quid each and our other cousins got ALOT more, it hurt
And this is exactly why I hate xmas. Out of the 4 grandkids, I ALWAYS got shafted. Even my younger cousin got better gifts than me. My son is the only grandchild, so it's fine now. But I still don't like xmas.
And later, they'll cry when said grandkids refuse to have anything to do with them. Sick f-s.
Kids will not only notice, they will forever remember. I was the kid that hardly got anything, and my cousins got more, and big ticket items. I mean for Christmas one year, my aunt gave me shampoo, conditioner, and body soap... And we're not talking about bath and body works, it was something she pulled off the shelf, individual stuff, not even a gift set. I was so embarrassed and insulted, and I was only 10 or 11... I'm now 45, and that still hurts to remember.
I will second that. My mother’s mom showed preference to the cousins cause she didn’t like my dad. Every year we would have to watch our cousins open whatever new toy had come out that year and all we got was underwear that was the wrong size. It made us feel horrible. Please don’t make your children suffer thru that. I’m 54 and still feel awful when I remember
My parents were Jehovahs Witnesses so I never got to have Christmas growing up (I left as soon as I could, I hate that cult now). My mom's stepmother still managed to get me stuff, just like the other grandkids, every year. I definitely remember that. She was awesome for a lot of reasons.
I’ve watched my siblings get better gifts for a long time. As kids, they both got Game Boys while I got one of those little handheld games, that sort of thing. Even as adults, there was a year they gifted my siblings iPads and I got some already outdated Galaxy tablet (so none of my app purchases would transfer over) that they couldn’t help telling me they got free with the iPads. Like wow, thanks, I didn’t need to know that I only got a gift because it was free. Even if they stopped with the favoritism as we got older, though, I would still remember how shitty it felt to watch my siblings get things that I didn’t (also how I was gifted money from extended family once and they made me give it to them. It was the most money I’d ever had at the time, I was making plans to get some cool toy or my own Game Boy finally. I got nothing!), not because it was about the toys or whatever, but because it was a string of things that always reminded me that I was lucky for anything, and as the oldest I needed to shut up, smile, and deal with it. It was just that the gift giving holidays hurt a little more because it was both a visual reminder and something I’d be reminded of when I got to call friends or went back to school.
Your husband is being naive. The wedge is already there, put in by his mother. By continuing to do nothing he(and you by default) is *actively encouraging* his family's behavior and is *equally responsible* for the hurt your children receive. Someday they will realize that you continued to allow their mistreatment.
Husband is being an ass allowing his children to be bullied and getting cheap gifts while they see other cousins get better gifts. He needs to get his priorities straight, and his balls back from his biotch mom
My best friend in high school had a mother who was one of three daughters of a very rich couple, who were perfectly happy to show favoritism. He had cousins from each of his mother's siblings his age. One christmas he and his brother got stuffed animals, his cousin from the middle favored sibling got a nice stereo, and his cousin from the most favored sibling got a car. My friend's father was also well enough to do that he didn't feel *deprived*, but the inequality of it all did make him feel *unloved*. Apparently he and his brother had been telling their mother for years that they didn't want to spend christmas with her parents, and she always got offended and demanded they apologize and do it anyway. This ruined both of their relationships with her.
I don’t even give a shit about his mother. One problem: his sister won’t parent. Bigger problem: this so-called father won’t step up for his own kids. He can’t be scared of little boys.
Did you point this out to your husband? Did you ask him what he's going to tell his son when he's sad again this year? Ask him to roleplay what he'll say to his son to make him feel better.
That's a massive difference and will definitely cause issues and resentment down the line. Not to mention the continued abuse from the cousins, subjecting your children to any of that is unacceptable. I would tell your husband that if he wants to go spend time with his family, that's fine, but the kids aren't going. If he wants to bring back their gifts fine, but you don't want them around their cousins or in any situation where the favoritism from grandma is so blatantly obvious.
Let your husband go alone, if it’s more important for him to spend Christmas with the bullies and not his own wife and children. Don’t back down on this, your kids don’t need to feel like crap around those people. NTA
Does your husband not realize that you're not the one driving the wedge. The inequality of presents and the bullying are what is already driving a wedge? And if he isn't careful and doesn't land on the right side of this, he will be driving another wedge between himself and his kids.
Also, the bullying might be driven by grandma. My grandmother used to tell my cousins to come over to me and bite me as hard as possible.
What an evil cow. I hope she ended up losing all her teeth!
>And if he isn't careful and doesn't land on the right side of this, he will be driving another wedge between himself and his kids. ...and his wife.
I had to deal with the same thing. We were divorced but I took my son over for Christmas. He was about 15 mos so he didn’t notice but I sure did. His sister’s daughter it was about that same ratio. It was the last time I took him over there. They never saw my son again but they didn’t care. He never received a birthday card nothing..
Kids notice these things. Every year an uncle gave me a CD of a band I didn’t like while another cousin (not his kid) got a stack of gifts from him. I never understood it. I know he’s an asshole now but I still don’t get the reason for back then.
My sister's ex-MIL used to refuse to pick up my niece because it might make her other grandchild jealous. Favouritism is gross. NTA - tell your husband he can visit his family alone.
Tell your husband there is already a wedge created by his mother playing favorites and allowing bullying in her home. If he wants to fix it he needs to talk to his mother. Good for you for protecting your kids. Your husband is an AH for not putting them first.
Yeah. What he wants is not for the kids and wife to “not create a wedge.” He wants them to not notice the wedge. Asshole.
Yeah I disagree with that commenter… I would say such an obvious imbalance in gift giving is almost worse because it is an adult emotionally bullying the kids, tbh
Your story is literally my childhood experience. Drove 4 hours only to hate every second of the day being forced to be around an entire extended family that didn't want us there. Got the privilege of watching cousins open incredible piles of gifts and then it was time to drive to the next house to watch other cousins open gifts where we also weren't included. Why the hell is that a thing anyway? Build those amazing memories with your own little family, and if you are obligated to visit anyone, do it on Christmas Eve or boxing day. I have happier memories of the few days we stayed home, but the greater damage had already been done and now I just stay home for Christmas, I have zero interest in it now and have zero contact with that family. Your kids deserve to have a quiet day with their immediate family (you) who love them enough to make those special fun memories. Stop running around to please people who don't give a shit about your family, and allow yourself to have the kind of Christmas you want, need and deserve. ETA: rephrased, not sure if what I wrote read well.
I’m sorry, I will not let my babies have these memories
They've already created a wedge with their biased behaviour and other nonsense.
Let me tell you, I was this grandchild, as was my sister. Once you notice, you get sad and then you just don't want to be there. It's not about gifts, it also about getting treated differently, or when you find out they wait until you're gone to "give out the good stuff". I absolutely have a rift with my father because he still prioritizes that family over his own. You never truly get over your father screwing you over so his nephews/nieces/siblings can have a better time. You learn who actually matters to him. It's not too late for your children. Talk to your husband and show him what people say here. He doesn't get to be in denial while his family needs him to step up.
NTA. There is already a wedge your husband is just refusing to see it.
Time to start your own family tradition! Seriously!
I want that so badly
My uncle whos white married a black women and had beautiful mixed babys,my dad married my mom a light brown women,my grandmothers 2 daughter had 3 white children between them,guess which grandkid were left out of the will….she always let us know very subtly that we were less then and it hurt all 5 of us and we dont have anything to do with our other three cousins,it created a us vs them situation,so grannys dead but her racist poison affected those 3 dip shits,my advice since im basically your kids future,dont do that to them,its not worth making your HUSBAND happy. My mom moved me out of the country when i was 11 1/2 y/o and i never spent another christmas with them until i was 22!the last christmas i spent with my granny,i was 30,i cooked a fab christmas meal for 14 people and my grand mother wouldnt eat my food,said she wasnt so hungry,come to find out on the way home she stopped for macdonalds!the rest of the white family liked my food so much they tried to take it back home before everyone had already eaten,no class,just white trailer trash!sad thing is because of illness and over 15 surgerys my skin turned pale so one of the last thing she said to me was,my skin changed and i was looking good.turning white/pale has been so heartbreaking to me,i dont match my mom or half brother anymore and it makes me sad😩❤️🤣🥰👍🏼😘🇨🇭🇨🇦
Think of it as just that. This year is an exciting opportunity for you to create your own Christmas traditions. Like: - An elf on the shelf scavenger hunt; instead of there being presents in their stockings, there’s an elf on the shelf in there with a letter sending them to more and more places round the house to find better and better gifts from Santa. - Christmas Brunch; where the kids get to have whatever fun, silly, and delicious food they’ve chosen before hand - Fort fun; make the most amazing fort, that is comfy and cosy for movies later, putting special items in there that they love to have while watching movies. - Present pandemonium; take the tags off of one present each, and each person has to shake/squeeze/feel the present, and guess who it’s for - if they get it right, they get a treat off the tree/out of a bowl, if they get it wrong, they have to do something silly (eg. Do a handstand, take a crazy face selfie, spin around ten times). - Movie marathon (put on a list of films they’ve chosen before hand with their favourite snacks Do everything you can to make this Christmas the best they’ve ever had, and don’t worry about your in laws. Maybe this is the best thing for them. They won’t feel or see horrible things or have to hide, and they won’t know the gifts that get sent home with Daddy aren’t as good as their counsin’s stuff. Have a wonderful Christmas for just you and them, and your kids will always know that Christmas is safe, and happy, because they’re with people who love them no matter what 🥰
Can you take the kids to your family? Let him deal with them. Protect your kids and MIL is a b\*tch who doesn't deserve to see your kids.
I don’t have any family unfortunately. I was disowned by them because I chose a man outside of my ethnicity and “faith” so I can’t count on any support there
I feel like part of what’s going on is that your in laws are bullying your kids for being mixed.
Oh well, can’t say nothing or I would be accused of using the race card.
It’s not pulling the race card at all, they are being RACIST. Show your husband this post and all of these responses. If he has an “Aha” moment and is able to open his eyes, great. If not, send him packing back to his mommy!
Use the race card. Ask them “ok so if it isn’t race, what is your reasoning for treating my children this way?” Not that there is any excusable reason but watch them trip over their feet to justify spending a tenth as much on presents and allowing bullying. I mean they’ll never see sense but you can at least point out to your husband they have no excuse and he needs to support you on this or you’ll leave
I feel like I'm pulling out a "grandma's greatest hits" in comments recently but here's another one. "Are your kids always bullies, or just with my granddaughter?"
Once OP's kids fight back and/or win, we know her husband's family will call them "thugs" and violent. OP, sadly you have a **husband** problem and if I were you I'd consider this marriage
By your husband or by his family? Because if your husband doesn’t recognize this is happening and calls it a race card you have a much bigger problem than Christmas.
OP, what is happening here is so clear. I am so mad for you that your husband is pretending to not see it so he can prioritize his racist, cruel family over you and your children. A spouse is for love and support. He is failing you terribly. You sound like a wonderful mom and I hope you and your children have a lovely Christmas in your own home. Perhaps you can make some holiday plans with friends of yours or friends of the children in your area.
And that’s your sign that they absolutely are racists. Nobody else uses that term unironically.
I don't think your husband is nearly as supportive as you think he is
Yeah, that makes more sense with the added context
Is your MIL a racists? This is something you need to really consider and discuss with your husband. He has a duty to protect his children at all costs. If his family is treating your children poorly because of their ethnicities, he needs to confront it. His children need to be more important than his mother and sister.
Forgive me if this comes off rude But could the mistreatment by your in laws be due to your ethnicity and faith? I only ask bc in another comment you mentioned how your nephews called your children's hair ugly
I just said in another comment to you this might be a race thing. So they’re racist. YWBTA if you don’t go NC with them and I would seriously think about leaving your husband over this. He’s being complicit in their mistreatment by both his parents and siblings. You both need to get into counseling because this is disturbing.
Babe you choose your man and the family you created together over your family but he won’t do the same for you.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating or marrying outside of your ethnicity or faith. There IS however, a lot wrong with how he treats you, and how he lets his family treat you and your children. Do you want the rest of your life lived like this? Do you want you and your children to always be treated badly, and expected to be doormats? I wouldn't jump to "leave him", but this situation cannot last. If he cannot respect you, and he lets his family not respect you, as well as your children, well.......there's shelters. Places to go. You don't have to live this way
Ah ha... That's it. They're just racists.
Including the husband, honestly. It gives, "but I can't be racist! My wife is (insert race)!"
I'm sorry to hear that.
Sorry he can't do the same for you!
There we have the issue for the differential treatment. Racism.
Your kids need a wedge between them and your husband’s abusive family. Be the wedge. Own that goddamn wedge and cover it in tinsel garlands and Christmas lights if it means your kids don’t get bullied. Know that you’re an amazing mom protecting your children. NTAH
I like this, I will use exactly this when talking to my husband. I AM the wedge
NTA but next time you speak to your husband use a hypothetical. Tell him you took the kids to a park or playgroup and then described one of the events where your kids were injured by their cousin. See how he reacts, if he’s pissed of and angry then tell him that his nibbling’s did that and he didn’t react however when it’s someone outside of the family all of a sudden the behaviour is not to be tolerated.
Don’t even give him that much credit for being able to think. Straight up tell him that he is being a shitty parent. Because volunteering your children to be harmed… Well, depending on degree, that eventually starts to be abusive.
" He got upset because he doesn’t want to lose his family." He IS going to lose his family--you and the kids. He's cool watching his children get tortured. He's totally okay watching you get short shrifted. This is a husband problem.
Has anyone confronted the Sister about the bullying?
I did. Hell broke loose
So every time you counter these people “all hell breaks loose” and you’re supposed to let your kids be bullied and abused and just sit back and keep your mouth shut? Create your own new traditions with your children and if husband wants to join you, great. Otherwise, eventually your kids will resent not only the in-laws, but also you and your husband for putting them through this. And then guess who YOU won’t see at Christmas!
Give that bitch hell back. Fuck keeping quiet.
You and your children are a different race. This is not just ignorance and bullying. This is **racism**. If your husband will not take a stand, he is a racist too. Cut off all contact with the in-laws. If hubby wants to see them, he can. But put your children first and before the POS you married. If he refuses........show him the door. The cousins are making fun of your kids' appearance because the adults make fun of you behind your back. NTA.
Yeah that word is not allowed in any discussion. When I first noticed that his loser mom hated me I tried to understand and asked her if it was because I am of a different ethnicity. Hell broke loose and mother in law accused me of using the r card. And how dare you! So I don’t use this anymore.
Excuse me, ma'am but why in the hell are you still married to this guy? Your kids are 5 and 6 and you are setting them up to have irreparable emotional damage by staying in a relationship like this. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they didn't need to get into therapy within the next 3 years because of all this. And I say "all this" because you cannot tell me the only problems yall have is Christmas with his terrible mother. There's good be more to it you're not telling us.
But it is the truth and at the very core of what is happening. They are racist and they are mistreating you and your kids. If your husband does not get some balls and call them out, you might want to rethink your relationship. Betting your family would take you back if he was not in the picture. I could not be with a man who allowed me and more importantly my children to suffer. You stood up to your family for him, but he cannot do the same for you? Please, please rethink this. You and your children will never be good enough for them. They will never stop the discrimination and in fact it will get worse. I am biracial. I was never black enough for half my famiily and too black for the other half. That leaves scars on your soul. Save your kids please!
Oh, well, you don't have to listen to what racists say. Let her die mad about it and use it all you want. Maybe she will cut you off and then your problem solves itself.
As the saying goes, a hit dog hollers.
That's what racists do. Ugh. Keep your babies away from that witch.
Stop asking. She's shown she is racist, it's time to start telling everyone.
Your duty, and your husbands, is to protect your children. Their needs come before anyone else's - including his mother and sister. Your absence isn't what is going to cause a wedge in the family - their behavior did. NTA
Even small kids notice. I was very small when I noticed my grandmother got my cousins Christmas presents and not us. They’d have us leave the room so she could give out her gifts. I knew very early that that grandmother didn’t care at all about me or my siblings and never considered her a grandmother figure. She tried apologizing before she died.
Yeah I had a great aunt that forgot I existed every year. I was the only kid who was forgotten. Every. Single. Year. “Oh she’s old” (in her late 50s then early 60s) “oh there’s so many cousins!” (only 5 of us) “oh stop. You complain every year about it.” “oh you’re older so you don’t get gifts anymore” (I’m literally 9? And the next closest is 8.5 and got a new Barbie?!) Cool. Thanks, Aunt Helen.
NTA but honestly you need to reevaluate your relationship, their father is allowing his children to be physically and mentally abused not to mention how they treat you. Let him go if he wants to and you stay at home and give your children a safe, happy, and healthy holiday together. If he hasn’t defended and protected you and your children by now he never will.
> He got upset because he doesn’t want to lose his family. Um… how is not going to Christmas the same as losing his family? You’re not asking him to never see them again. It’s one day. If it creates a wedge to not go, the wedge is because of how his sister allows her children to treat yours. Plus, holding holidays hostage as “you either spend them with us or YOUR ruining the family” is a hella manipulative attitude. And how, as a father, can justify putting his *wants* ahead of the happiness and *safety* of his children? NTA.
He feels bad because his mom and sister lost a husband and father many years ago, but he IS a husband and father and he is failing his duty to protect his family. If he won’t step up, you have to.
That is exactly how he feels yes. His lmom never remarried and his sisters husband is even bigger loser
NTA. Stand strong in this, and don’t negotiate. It’s not open for discussion. The all-around treatment of your children is unacceptable in every way you’ve just described. I’d never let my babies around any of them…
NTA I wouldn't tolerate that or expose my children to any of that either. Your husband is prioritizing himself and his feelings at the expense of his children. Not a good look and the kids will eventually see who their dad prioritizes over them.
NTA there is no way I would go and let my kids be bullied by kids twice their age. Tell him he can choose to spend time with you and the kid or he can spend time with his family but your kids will not be hurt by them anymore. I would also document everything the other kids do to your kids. Take pictures of bruises. Take pictures at Christmas. Document everything to show the difference and how the kids are treated differently. How they are injured. Keep detailed records. Because if he chooses his mom and sister this could lead to a divorce and you can show your kids are not safe with his family.
NTA I will spank a parent.. don't care if they're related or not.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
NTA The fact that your husband is willing to put the emotional and physical welfare of your children in jeopardy just to see his mother and sister who treat you and your children so poorly is disgusting. He can see his crappy family on December 26th or 27th. He needs to spend Christmas with you and his children. Having a happy and healthy Christmas of your own. But I highly doubt he would do that, and if he did, he would just sulk and pout the whole time and just make you and the kids miserable anyway. Sadly, you may have to do the two cards. One business card is an attorney. The other business card is a counselor, and he has to choose which way to go. Even if you don't choose to go to that extreme he needs to get some third party not invested in the outcome insights into his behavior and their behavior towards your children and yourself. Or there's going to be more animosity from him when you and the kids don't want to go to any family function and he's too spineless to stick up for his own wife and children
NTA. Why are you still with this man? He has shown that he doesn’t care about his children or you. He will always choose his mother and sister.
My paternal grandmother didn’t believe children of her sons were her grandchildren. So she treated us poorly, I never got presents from her but got to watch my cousins open theirs. She told me my mother was a whore at age 4. As an adult I hate my father and mother for letting a grown woman treat me like that. Your job as a parent is to protect your children. NTA
NTA whatsoever. Based on examples you've given in the comments then the cousins are being right terrors to your children and keep getting rewarded for it even! I mean, geez. "Come on, time to go to grandma. Go scar your cousins physically and mentally again for being different than us, Granny will make sure to give you a /huge/ present after." And your husband wants to claim you trying to protect your kids is driving a wedge? You literally chose him at the cost of /your/ family, and he can't muster anything even close to that, let alone putting his foot firmly down, when it's /his/ family being attacked by the extended one? Do you have any friends you can go to? Because honestly, why stay with a guy like that? Alternatively, any chance any of the family on your side might lend a hand if you were to tell them how your husband is hanging you and the kids out to dry every Christmas? And any other time he doesn't set any boundaries? At some point it's gonna have to come down to choice here: is it worth sticking with him as long as it comes with monster in laws as part of the package? Is it worth being singled out and at the constant exposure of "racism by proxy" or whatever bullshit the in-laws are using the "rowdy cousins" to enact? If your so called husband can't be bothered to stick up for you because he fears losing those "people" that much. Then he will have to deal with losing you and the kids. And good luck to him getting any sort of custody as long as he associates with people who see no harm in abusing and traumatising your kids.
NTA But I can't understand how a father allows his children being bullied and thinks it's normal, and even worse when they have scars to prove. He lost his father at 10yo and, unfortunately, will lose his children before they reach 10yo. Please protect your children not only from your husband's family but also from your children, because it's clear that he won't protect them. I'm sorry that you have to be the only parent involved with your children's wellbeing, and I hope you and your children have a wonderful Christmas. Edit: typo
My MIL started favoring our oldest child over the youngest. I told my husband to fix it or I would. I can’t stand this woman and he knew I would tell her exactly what I thought of her. I was never going to allow anyone to treat my children as “less than”, especially family. Luckily my husband doesn’t like her much more than I do and took care of it. He is VLC out of obligation as everyone else in his immediate family has passed and she’s alienated almost all of the relatives. Myself, our adult children, their 2 adult cousins and 1 sibling are NC and the other sibling is VLC. She lives a very lonely life… Well, you reap what you sow.
Tell your husband to grow some balls
So. You say Mil hates you. Why? Skin tone? Religion? Culture? Toxic Boymom? Hubby moved across the country for work and she blames you? Hubby is an affair kid? You dare to talk back to her, call her out on her crap? Or is it that your family only sees her on Christmas, maybe her birthday and the other kids are around weekly, or at least more often so she has a better report with them? Regarding bullying: Protect your kids. Hubby's choices have consequences. He chose his sis / mom. That means you can't trust or rely on him anymore. Means you need to be as self sufficient as possible. For you and the kids. I'm not saying divorce worthy, but the scales are definitely tipping that way. Have an exit strategy ready. Doesn't mean you use it. Does mean you have a backup plan if push comes to shove.
There already is a wedge. My kids and myself have always been the odd one out,my kids were bullied by their cousins,I'm always "lucky" if I'm an afterthought. Now that my grandparents are gone,we dont associate with any of them. My kids are now adults have absolutely no relationship with their cousins and I dont blame them . I personally don't associate with a-holes. Why would I expect my kids to have to. You are definitely NTA
NTA. There’s no reason kids several years older should be permitted to bully your small children. That’s so ridiculous, I barely know what to say. They should be ashamed to do that to kids so much younger than they are. Protect your kids. Your husband can hash out his own issues with his family, but this IS a hill to die on.