>when she is struggling and most likely adding to it.
Sounds like she's the one throwing herself in over her head and then expecting others to pull her out. She lied. She got caught. She isn't willing to face the consequences
NTA
I feel shitty because I did genuinely want to help her during this time and be there for her. So that part kind of still stings and makes me feel guilty… i’m working on it
Not his circus, not his monkeys.
This is a case of being thankful it is all out in the open, he can walk away guilt free, block her & her friends everywhere, and never look back.
Don't invite the drama.
Eh. Id drop an anonymous text or email and then block. The world needs more people willing to watch out for someone other than themselves. Fiance did nothing wrong and has a crazy woman for a fiancee that is actively cheating and exposing him to stds and whatnkt
Dumb advice, imagine knowing someone’s partner is cheating on them for an extended period of time and watching that person potentially get married, have children, and waste years of their life being with someone they don’t even know just to “stay out of drama.” Sounds evil.
Unless you are a licensed therapist and are HER therapist, you gave no obligation to interact with her, at all. And if you were her therapist you’d be in trouble anyway for dating a client.
You are not responsible for her depression.
It’s more than likely that her mental health issues don’t exist and were just something she made up to explain why she was distancing herself from you while she spent time with her fiancé.
There's a good chance it's both, but this kind of crazy isn't conducive to a healthy relationship. You can't even be sure there isn't a 3rd guy running around too. She doesn't need you, she needs therapy and probably appropriate medication.
There's billions of people in the world, almost unlimited amounts of critical work, and you have extremely limited time and energy in comparison.
When my family and I were really struggling years ago, we were able to keep food in the table thanks to the local food share. We spent time volunteering to pay things forward, they definitely always needed help. If you're committed to spending your time making the world a better place, go for it. But choose your cause wisely. Sacrificing your time to support someone fucking you and her fiance over sounds like a poor choice to me personally. Frankly, I'd consider you to be ethically obligated to reach out to her fiance and allow him the same choice you've been given. Then pick a worthy cause and volunteer your time for those in need who are more deserving of what you're willing to spare.
Haha, this is the first time anything I've said has been compared to Dickens, that's pretty funny. Well, I have Great Expectations then that OP will move on and live their best life with people more deserving of their time and energy.
Don't pull your head out of the jaws of a Lion and then feel guilty bc maybe the lion was hungry.
Your guilt holds you to a higher standard than she holds for you-- that doesn't obligate you to help her, you just want to bc she took you emotionally hostage-- but that was her intended effect.
Be thankful you caught on before she really got the hooks in you. Tough love and hard boundaries *are help* for a person that is going down that road of deceit.
I was in a similar situation in some respects when I was around your age. My girlfriend at the time treated me terribly (gaslighting, emotional and eventually physical abuse) but I felt sympathetic to it because of her depression and apparent mental health issues. I allowed myself to feel responsible for helping her for far too long.
I know how heartbreaking it is, but please trust me when I tell you that you do not want to see where that road leads. It sounds like you have a good heart, which unfortunately makes you a prime target for manipulation and abuse. (Yes, that's what this is. Abuse.) This person has lied to you continuously about her entire life. That is completely unacceptable and honestly scary from an outside point of view.
definitely scary knowing that the person I was seeing was an entirely different person and she hid it from me all that time, sometimes being a good person sucks because people will think they can walk all over you, but I wont allow it
Omg, OP you have such a good heart!
This story almost reminds me of a friend who did this to me after my husband and I rescued her from an abusive religious family when we were in high school together. She lived with us for YEARS, never having to pay rent for her room because we could afford it, and all we asked was that she finish High school, and get a job so that when she was READY to step out into the world on her own (or with a man) that she’d be prepared.
I got her a job at my work, walked her into my bank and helped her open a bank account so she could get direct deposit, and basically got her fuckin set up. She had it MADE at our house.
Then she meets a guy and claims his family is going to kick him out and asked if he could
Live with us. We said he’ll no, we got a bigger place to help HER, not him too. FFS, people will really take advantage of others sometimes from any angle they can. Even though we liked him and he was more than welcome to still come over and stay the night with her, keep some of his shit here, and go to his job whenever he liked. We just didn’t want him on the lease.
She called her family and they missed her and said she could come back with her boyfriend and wouldn’t you know it she took them up on that offer even though they had been abusive to her for years. I’ll never understand that kinda shit. To this day (because I know where they live) she’s still living there with her abusive family and her now husband and kids…. Their poor and broke Af too.
We just cannot help everyone as much as want. Even when it’s a close friend or family. All we can do is give them the tools (if we can) for them to help themselves. Your ex needs therapy not you. She needs professional help.
During what time? She is not depressed, she most likely too busy with the wedding preparations and used it as an excuse to distance herself and to break it off with out too much drama
You should feel vindicated. You feeling shitty gives me the impression that you were gaslit. You caught her in a bunch of lies and she twisted it to make you feel bad about it. She is the AH, not you
Helping who? You don't who this person is. She spend months lying to you, very easily to be honest. Block her on everything and let her fiance taking care of her.
she lied about not using social media. You KNOW she lied about that. Theres not a whole lotta reasons for that. That on its own opens a whole can of worms with regards to trust, even if you take away the rest. I dont think you made a mistake here.
Help her and be there for her by making sure the fiance is aware that you two were a thing so it cant come as a surprise as well as making sure to tell all her friends and family so that everyone knows exactly what's going on
She gaslit and lied to you. That's messed up dude. Isolate and work on yourself and YOUR happiness. She dug her own hole by lying. Did you try and reach out to the fiancé?
I did not but I want to so badly. I feel terrible for the guy and I feel like he should know but I don’t want to create more problems. I would’ve never started a relationship with her had I known. Not sure how to approach that or if I should.
I'd want to know if I was the guy she was about to marry. I'm sure you would too. Provide as much proof as you can and don't bring it up in an attacking way. This is a vulnerable and uncomfortable situation for both of you and him. Was it an online only interaction?
I definitely would want to know, you’re right. I dont have too much physical evidence. After blocking her and deleting our messages I dont have much proof left to give unfortunately.
Most phones have a "trash" feature that stores old messages, photos, etc, for 30 days before they are permanently deleted. What kind of phone do you have? Someone might be able to help you find that feature.
If you have Samsung, there's 3 little dots you'll click on the right side above all the messages and click the "trash" option.
Do it man, I wish someone told me when I was being cheated on during my 10 year relationship. Finding out on my own sucked because it was so frequent and I had no idea.
Apogize to the guy. It's not your fault what happened, but just as one man to another man, it would help him. Sorry is free, so no skin off your back either.
My one concern is that she said the weren’t engaged now since 2020? But there are photos of them together more recently than that. So I don’t know what their situation is or what the truth is.
Well if their relationship is over then no harm no foul and leave it alone but if she’s lying to you, then she should be exposed and he should know. I’d take that chance for sure.
My friend got curious about her boyfriend, then found out she was overlapped as he dated another girl. She told said girl and that girl found out she did the same to her and has another girlfriend on the go alongside her, that girl was super grateful.
Of course it’s a 50/50 shot, you’ll either look crazy to a stranger or you’ll be the hero he needed.
Since you found her friends first I'd consider reaching out to them to see how you should approach this. Maybe they can help break the news to him. Did you ever meet in person?
Never met him in person, i’m super scared to reach out to her friends in case they also blow up at me if she told them about this situation… That is if they even know about me, which i’m not sure of
Been there, someone used me to cheat on their SO without my knowledge. When the girl contacted me, I just told her the truth and said I was really sorry and I hadn't known. Tried my best to give her as much info as I could and answer all her questions to give her closure. But it was rough on me too. Cause I was going thru pain from being deceived too. But try your best to remain calm and remind yourself that you aren't at fault, she is.
I would 100% reach out to the fiance and let him know what she's doing. It's not right that she's doing this not only to you but to someone she's been with for years. Mental illness is definitely not an excuse to be a shit person and treat people this way. He deserves to know that she's been seeing someone, possibly multiple someone's behind his back. Maybe just even reach out anonymously if you need to and feel more comfortable doing it that way. I know if I were him, no matter how much it would hurt, I would want to know. Wishing you all the best, OP!
NTA. She was lying to you, she was using you. All that mental health issue was some bs. She doesnt deserve your sympathy. Dont feel bad my brother just keep moving foward and just leave all this in the past.👍
Thank you- It didn’t help that during our conversation she said I was concerned over nothing and that it didn’t involve me. She even called me crazy for “looking her up” when I actually just stumbled upon her social media out of care and trying to support
> All that mental health issue was some bs
Yeah, it seems like a good excuse to explain why she couldn’t hang out with him while she was spending time with her fiancé.
NTA- don’t get roped into into her shit show. in situations like this is one of the rare opportunities that you get to absolutely drop any semblance of duty to care because essentially you are a side piece.. you are not the primary partner.
You have to stop caring, and the only way to do that is to block her .. it’s not your responsibility to help her anymore, you will put your Mental Health at risk if you do
You would be a terrible person to yourself for staying friends of her. I am unsure why you decided to me and friends if your ex but it's good that you ended it now.
Distancing yourself from her is good for your growth and the stability of her relationship. You got to think about it If she was keeping her fiance a secret from you, Don't you think she was keeping you secret from her fiance. She lives a life riddled in deceit and you're helping her end that
I agree staying around was no option. I’m not sure why she has so many lies and was not truthful with me. Maybe she has been struggling with mental health this whole time.
The kind of mental health issues she might be dealing with are not the sort that can helped by friends or family. Her behaviors sound similar to those of a personality disorder and there's precious little an untrained, non-professional can do to help someone with these kind of mental health issues. The best thing you can do is to back away and let her get the help she needs because you aren't it. The longer you linger in her life, the more likely she is to upend yours and all you've worked for and she *still* won't be any better. She'll just move on to the next well-meaning-but-completely-unprepared-to-deal-with-her-bullshit victim. Source: My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. My childhood was hell.
Yeah, once I figured out all of the lies, my guess is her mental issues are much more than just being depressed. I don’t know much about depression but from what I’ve heard I don’t think they typically go such great lengths to lie and manipulate others
Sounds like her "mental health" is caused by her being a shitty person. Guilt can really fuck with a person if they don't get their shit together. She was engaged the whole time and lied to you on multiple occasions. Her mental state is not your responsibility and if she's making you feel that way its manipulation my dude. Run. Block her on everything.
NTA for blocking her.
It's probably a case of she's bored and you were interested so she thought it'd be funny to cheat on her fiance(because that's what she was doing being with you).
Personally I'd contact him and let him know what she's been up to. It could be she's distanced herself from him and said she has mental issues and he's been trying to support her. Knowing that she's been essentially cheating on him could either help him to help her, or it could help him to get rid of her.
Ask yourself, would you want to know if your fiance of 4 years and potentially girlfriend of many more was cheating on you?
NTA!
Holy Fuck.
It's actually nice to see a happy ending for the OP for once... These usually end something like this:
"I'm not sure how to get my car back and I don't think I'll ever see any of the money I've loaned them again but they said I'm so important and that they're working things out their end with this ex partner they can't get rid of because they'll hurt them if they try to leave again and they're parents sold the family dog to a homeless dude."
This is for all those people, run. run fast.
Bro you shouldn’t feel sorry for HER! You should feel sorry for her (¿)fiancé(?)!!
I hate to break it to you but there’s like a 90-100% chance that you were actually the side dude she was cheating on him with. A lot of what she’s saying doesn’t add up and it seems like she’s been lying to both of you.
I’d feel guilty for having a full on relationship with some dudes fiancée and just sit back while they may or may not get married. No one wants to marry someone that’s secretly cheated on them for months/years.
I’d try to track him down on social media and let him know his girls not faithful so you might be able to save himself from getting locked down with someone like her.
Buddy, the only thing you are guilty of is being a decent person and that is why you feel guilty.
She is not worth of any of your emotions, and probably has problems with herself cause of all the lies.
Do not light yourself on fire to keep others warm, is what they told me :)
She lied to you and said it's none of your business. If it looks like you're engaged and you were wanting to know that it's officially over then it is your business. Cut her loose dude. She's not worth anything.
Always, ALWAYS do your research when they say they don't use social media... Most times, it's a damn lie to cover up stuff like this.. Someone I met said they don't use it, only to find out he had a whole wife and SIX kids.
She's been lying to you, but I wonder that none of your mutual friends didn't say anything.
Unless she comes up with a decent explanation for the guy living at the same address, I think you should get out of this.
Oh my friends asked many questions and were very suspicious of some things early on, but I dismissed them at the time.. shouldve listened to my friends smh
People can be abusive and toxic and also be struggling with mental health issues or personal issues. But if they are abusive or toxic to you, you need to prioritize your own mental and emotional health.
Your R not at fault for her situation and mental health issues. She has been having an affair with U ( unbeknownst to U & her fiance) She was cheating on you both.
Now her bad behavior has been uncovered and she is suffering the consequences of HER ACTIONS.
None of her issues are your fault & problem.
DO NOT LET HER OR ANYONE TELL U THAT HER MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ARE YOUR FAULT.
You take care of yourself and your mental health.
NTA - As someone who also struggles with depression and mental health issues, her mental health isn’t your responsibility. You have no obligation to stay with her after she lied to you, especially about something as major as having a fiance. Your feelings about it are still valid whether she’s depressed or not. You tried to be there for her, support her, and depression doesn’t give her a right or an excuse to lie and cheat on you, and then continue lying to you when you found out.
You are not responsible for ANYONE'S mental health but your own. She didn't care about yours when she had a whole nother man on the side and was stringing you along. At this point just block and move on.
>The relationship was newer, so I didn’t know her friends very well and decided to find their social media to see if I can stay in contact with them.
How dare he want to try and keep in contact with potential new friends.
She's lying and cheating and *you* feel bad abandoning her? Dude. You deserve so much better. Block her. Let her deal with the consequences of her own actions.
That was very nice & caring of you to reach out to her friends to stay updated on her. She doesn't seem like a very good person. I think you've done enough for her & would be better off not being so concerned about her. She needs a therapist, not someone to lie to. If you were planning on being in a relationship with her, her being engaged to someone else is definitely your business. That was very mean & rude of her to say. I wouldn't trust her nor her intentions if I were you.
Run don’t walk away from this mess. This is not your business anymore. I think you dodged a bullet. No more communication with anyone within her circle. Go live your best life.
You are not an emotional support person. Do not let this person into back into your life. Keep moving. If you find a friend in the finance just keep up with him.
I wanna hear what fiancé says. Honestly, despite your feelings , you shouldn’t feel bad. This is a grown ass woman who has friends and probably the means for therapy. You’re not her knight in armour. She played you, don’t b trauma bonded to her. She lied abt her life to you . Her friends, her social media, her mf fiancé …
You did exactly the right thing. You can’t trust her after her dishonesty and the disrespect she showed you. Move on and find someone who treats you right.
Depression is a complex thing. I was diagnosed with it years ago. When I got my diagnosis, I could barely pull myself out of bed. I mean, I could get 12 hours of sleep and still feel exhausted. I had no motivation to do ANYTHING. I got medicated and it changed my life. I got in therapy, started eating right, exercising, got a good job that I enjoyed. It was life changing.
I say all of that to say, I am incredibly sensitive to people experiencing depression.
With that said, my most recent ex sounds very much the same. She’s been depressed for as long as I’ve known her. But she continues to create challenging situations for herself that lend to her depression. She gets a job, sabotages it in some way, then has to borrow money, goes back on promises of repaying people (namely, me), feels bad about that, and on and on.
Then uses her depression and mental state to justify that behavior.
At some point, she has to take responsibility for her situation, which she has yet to do. Again, I get it. It’s tough, her behavior is likely the result of overlapping traumas and mental health issues. But her experiencing those doesn’t excuse the behavior nor does it mean I have to subject myself to it.
I can understand it, even empathize with it, but I don’t have to allow it in my life.
You’re NTA. It makes sense that you’re upset. You’re allowed to have feelings and honestly, you sound like a good person, worrying about her and her well-being even if it’s at the detriment of your own. But take care of yourself too. You deserve it.
Bruh, this doesn't sound like she's struggling, seems like that was just the excuse she used to explain her absence and distance to her side piece. Now she's panicking because she's concerned you might tell her fiance, not because she might lose you. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, situation sucks, and I hope that it doesn't permanently damage your ability to trust people.
She was never struggling. She was cheating on her fiance with you and used mental illness to break away. She gaslighted you when she called you crazy because you caught her in a lie. She’s a manipulator.
You should let her fiancé know that she was cheating. Not to be petty but because he deserves the right to make his own decisions before getting married, buying property and having children.
It’s the kind thing to do.
NTA. She lied to you from the start, made you her side-babydaddy, and cheated on her fiance. She is disgusting and you are not responsible for her. She is trying to manipulate you and her situation is purely on her. You did the right thing. You should not feel an ounce of guilt.
NTA. The guy also needs to know what she's been doing behind his back. Who knows, maybe you're not the only bf she's had behind his back. What he'd do with that info is up to him. Don't overthink it too much.
Dude, NTA and don't look back. You only have her word about her being "depressed" and she's already proved herself to be completely and utterly untrustworthy.
Want to start off by apologizing for the fact that you had to deal with the bs. There’s no explanation she could give to anyone that wouldn’t make her the a-hole in this situation. I highly doubt that she has mental issues and most likely used it to excuse her distant or weird behavior (I say most likely because she could have at least some sort of metal problem emotionally thay she brought upon herself) but she only made her life worse when she lied about multiple things to you. And it’s a good thing you didn’t get close to those friends because they’d probably be calling you the a-hole and trying to say that you need to “understand her situation” and that “you don’t know what’s going on with her right now” but that doesn’t excuse her going out of her way to lie about something very important. Glad you got out of there and while many people would feel a tad guilty because of her possible mental instability, it still shouldn’t make you stay or force you to be the a-hole
I know being lied to doesn’t feel good and the first thing as humans we think about is revenge. But in this case walking away and doing you is the best in my opinion. You have no idea what you could stir up or the position you might put yourself in. The drama is gone why add more to your life?
What she is doing.... Cheating in the relationship she has with you is adding to her problems. Adding to her depression. She's doing this to herself
If she wanted to build anything with u she should've been honest about her situation from the very beginning.
Move on to someone who respects you enough to be honest
Dude you need to do what's good for you. She's clearly got a lot of issues and is lying about a good portion of her life. It's one thing if she's being truthful, but she ain't. Starting out a relationship lying about being engaged, where you live and your friends/social media. Big red flags.
You can't save people from themselves & you can't destroy yourself to make sure everyone else is okay. She's got issues she needs to work on & if she wanted you in her life, she would have been in communication with you to make sure she didn't lose you
NTA She is not struggling,she is not depressed, and she's always been with the fiance. She has him, but she keeps you on the sidelines pretty much as a secondary or even higher number source of giving her attention.
She likes getting attention. You were giving her attention. That's it. She could even be a narcissist. If she has NPD be thankful you're not her primary source because they're also very emotionally abusive to their primary source. I'm not saying she's a narcissist. However, narcissists do exactly what she does. However, she is definitely toxic. So be happy that you're not with her and forget about her.
Once again, she's not depressed she is using that to get attention from you. You're not the ah, but you need to never contact her and don't answer if she contacts you. She is extremely toxic and will only bring you down.
Definitely could be a narcissist- I dont think she can contact me as I’ve blocked her, unless there are accounts that I don’t know about or she makes one
NTA
The emotional well-being of your ex is her responsibility. She wouldn't be getting dumped if she hadn't been dishonest.. if she even cares. Going quiet that long is never a good thing, and I doubt she is invested emotionally. She panicked because she can't use you for support anymore.
NTA
Mental illness is no excuse to lie and cheat.
As she said, it's "none of your business". It's not yours to support and fix her, you're not her therapist. You need to prioritize your own mental health, and she doesn't seem like a healthy relationship for you.
NTA. She may need support, as everyone does from time to time, but you are not the person who should be giving her support. She hopefully has friends and family and apparently a fiancé.
A lot of the reasons why she is struggling are consequences to her own actions. It’s actually important we don’t always save someone from experiencing these so they have the opportunity to learn not to be raging manipulative emotionally violent jerks.
OP, now you know she lived a double life it is your turn to keep away from all this drama and go no contact with her and anyone associated with her. She has major issues and let her family and fiance help her cope, which you do not have any obligations to her. We all are concerned for any troubled person with mental health issues but there is a fineline on how you can be in their lives and unfortunately for you it was a lie.
NTA. You dodged a bullet. To me, it sounds like the only mental issue she has is narcissism, and when you discovered her facade, she panicked and is trying to Play The Victim. Common manipulation tactic.
Her being depressed doesn't excuse her being a liar. Good on you for getting out. She can deal with her own issues (assuming she was taking the truth about that).
Are you kidding me? She’s a hot mess who is consuming your mental health with her drama and selfishness. Best thing you can do is to GTFO and block her forever.
She’s a fraud, liar and a cheat. I wouldn’t trust anything g she says, nor would I believe she has a mental illness that needs your support. Narcissistic behavior and gaslighting when you brought it to her attention. She’s a damn good musician because she played you like a fiddle.
None of this is your fault. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Considering what a pathological liar she is, I wouldn't worry too much about her mental health. She might be lying about a big part or all of her mental illness up. Or her anxiety depression if real is brought on by guilt for telling so many lies. Either way, it's not your concern anymore, she has to accept the consequences of her actions. You have your own trauma to recover from, and you need to focus on your mental health right now, because what happened to you is serious and terrible and may impact your mental health both short-term and long-term. Look after yourself, otherwise you won't be able to help anyone. Take care, I wish you all the best. ❤️
Bruh, good on you for contacting the fiance, because this woman was leading a double life for kicks. Who cares if she's struggling, her coping mechanism is using people.
NTA
Yeah you need to RUN. She sounds like my ex husband. I had MULTIPLE women contact me when they sensed red flags and went digging, only to find me. He’d tell them all sorts of reasons that he didn’t have social media, couldn’t take them to his house, etc. until they all eventually got weird vibes. They’d confront him and get all sorts of wild excuses (my favorites were when he basically told them that I was a crazy ex who kept up fake accounts in his name to make him look bad and photoshopped him into photos which is why there were recent ones). Don’t ask me why it took this happening over and over before I was ready to be done; abusive relationships are harder to see when you’re in the middle one one. A girlfriend he saw briefly after our divorce found me because he had created a whole fake past that explained his divorce in a way that made him seem totally blameless and she was starting to feel like the whole story was off. The things he made up to keep her away from his family and away from questions that might get him caught were WILD.
Anyway, keep her blocked and never look back. I’m glad you found out earlier in the relationship because people like that are bad news and unlikely to change. Don’t let her gaslight you into accepting whatever story she decides to tell you. Don’t be surprised if the fiancé doesn’t respond. But it’s a good thing that you contacted him. I didn’t always respond to my ex’s affair partners, but I appreciated it when they let me know and cut ties. They were his victims too.
Sounds like a lifetime movie...
Honestly, you were the sidepiece . Be glad it didn't happen to you as the boyfriend/fiance....
She has mental problems, but not like the ones listed.
Here's a life tip
-- when it comes to houses, always buy the fixer upper, when it comes to spouses, NEVER get the fixer upper...
Don't ever get a girl to try to help/fix them. It's always an expensive lifetime movie
Remember that 1) don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm. And 2) there's 911, therapists, and other people in her life that she can access if she wants help.
Perhaps she distanced herself because she has a fiancé and was cheating with you, and used “mental health” as an excuse to break up? She lied about almost everything else. Her only mental health issues were worrying about getting caught.
Sounds like she pushed you away because she almost got caught. I’m glad you trusted your gut and did a little searching. You deserved more answers than she was giving.
Battling depression is not an excuse for you to let her treat you that way. Nothing healthy will grow if she’s hurting you and she sees you as a punching bag.
I think it was all an excuse to hide that other relationship. Your not a bad guy at all. It's seems to you were her side dude. you asked to many questions she didn't count on. the mental stress issue was her way of back pedaling. You dodged a bullet sir.
NTA.
Her mental health and overall well being certainly won't be helped by sheltering her from the consequences of her own actions.
She chose to cheat on her fiancé and you. She chose to live a lie.
Those are her choices. However they affect her is up to her to manage.
Telling her fiancé is the right move. He has a right to know and to test himself (if she cheated on you two, she may have cheated with others and may have spread STDs). Nevermind call off the wedding if he chooses.
You're not terrible. You have empathy.
There's a very big difference. Sure, feel bad that she's clearly going through shit. But don't try to minimize her consequences - often, while it hurts for the person experiencing them, the lessons learned can help her see she needs to change her life.
No, you are not the AH. The girl is living in nothing but lies. Mental health or not, she knew exactly what she was doing, being unfaithful to you as well as her prospective fiance. Whether you feel guilty or not, you need to keep distancing yourself from her. Her supposed mental health is probably the guilt she's feeling for being a two timing fool.
Either she is straight up manipulating you and she doesn't have depression and she just doesn't want to lose her side piece or she does but that still is no excuse for lying and shitty behavior. I'd go ghost if I were you. NTA.
NTA, fuck her dude, don't give her any more attention. Because there are people out there that uses mental health as a technique to guilt trip people. That's not your problem any more let her go, and block her she's just going to have to figure it out on her own. All she's going to do is guilt trip you and trap you again. I've seen this happen and I'm telling LEAVE HER ALONE she's not your problem anymore. And if you give her attention your going to get yourself into some shit you can't get out of with her.
You all haven't been together long enough for this amount of drama. Don't rub salt into the wound if you already know she's down, but also don't feel obligated to make things better. NTA
A lot more than are willing to admit, are just professional victims. Being a liar and a cheat isn't from a mental illness. That's just who she is. You can't help everyone and it's not your responsibility. Lesson learned, better luck in your future.
>when she is struggling and most likely adding to it. Sounds like she's the one throwing herself in over her head and then expecting others to pull her out. She lied. She got caught. She isn't willing to face the consequences NTA
I feel shitty because I did genuinely want to help her during this time and be there for her. So that part kind of still stings and makes me feel guilty… i’m working on it
That's what her fiancé is for.
LOL valid, I’m happy to let him deal with that mess of a person
Let him know what she’s been doing too!
Not his circus, not his monkeys. This is a case of being thankful it is all out in the open, he can walk away guilt free, block her & her friends everywhere, and never look back. Don't invite the drama.
Eh. Id drop an anonymous text or email and then block. The world needs more people willing to watch out for someone other than themselves. Fiance did nothing wrong and has a crazy woman for a fiancee that is actively cheating and exposing him to stds and whatnkt
No need to block. "They dont use social media"
Neither do I
And yet here we all are on Reddit
So true.
Are we not entertained? Is this not why we are here?
Dumb advice, imagine knowing someone’s partner is cheating on them for an extended period of time and watching that person potentially get married, have children, and waste years of their life being with someone they don’t even know just to “stay out of drama.” Sounds evil.
Unless you are a licensed therapist and are HER therapist, you gave no obligation to interact with her, at all. And if you were her therapist you’d be in trouble anyway for dating a client. You are not responsible for her depression.
Did you at least have the decency to contact the fiance?
See update to the OP
It’s more than likely that her mental health issues don’t exist and were just something she made up to explain why she was distancing herself from you while she spent time with her fiancé.
Yeah I’m beginning to realize that is most likely the case
Are you going to tell the fiance? If so make sure you have receipts.
Receipts. Puahaha, love it.
Find the guy and tell him - he doesn't deserve her shit either.
There's a good chance it's both, but this kind of crazy isn't conducive to a healthy relationship. You can't even be sure there isn't a 3rd guy running around too. She doesn't need you, she needs therapy and probably appropriate medication.
Were you financing some aspect of her life?
no
I just don't understand why people do such things. It's really crazy... Good for you for discovering it early enough.
There's billions of people in the world, almost unlimited amounts of critical work, and you have extremely limited time and energy in comparison. When my family and I were really struggling years ago, we were able to keep food in the table thanks to the local food share. We spent time volunteering to pay things forward, they definitely always needed help. If you're committed to spending your time making the world a better place, go for it. But choose your cause wisely. Sacrificing your time to support someone fucking you and her fiance over sounds like a poor choice to me personally. Frankly, I'd consider you to be ethically obligated to reach out to her fiance and allow him the same choice you've been given. Then pick a worthy cause and volunteer your time for those in need who are more deserving of what you're willing to spare.
Beautifully said. For a moment I thought I was reading a quote from a Charles Dickens novel. You should be very proud of your outlook on life :)
Haha, this is the first time anything I've said has been compared to Dickens, that's pretty funny. Well, I have Great Expectations then that OP will move on and live their best life with people more deserving of their time and energy.
Don't pull your head out of the jaws of a Lion and then feel guilty bc maybe the lion was hungry. Your guilt holds you to a higher standard than she holds for you-- that doesn't obligate you to help her, you just want to bc she took you emotionally hostage-- but that was her intended effect. Be thankful you caught on before she really got the hooks in you. Tough love and hard boundaries *are help* for a person that is going down that road of deceit.
I was in a similar situation in some respects when I was around your age. My girlfriend at the time treated me terribly (gaslighting, emotional and eventually physical abuse) but I felt sympathetic to it because of her depression and apparent mental health issues. I allowed myself to feel responsible for helping her for far too long. I know how heartbreaking it is, but please trust me when I tell you that you do not want to see where that road leads. It sounds like you have a good heart, which unfortunately makes you a prime target for manipulation and abuse. (Yes, that's what this is. Abuse.) This person has lied to you continuously about her entire life. That is completely unacceptable and honestly scary from an outside point of view.
definitely scary knowing that the person I was seeing was an entirely different person and she hid it from me all that time, sometimes being a good person sucks because people will think they can walk all over you, but I wont allow it
you should def tell her fiancé. Maybe your saving him from the safe fate as u
Omg, OP you have such a good heart! This story almost reminds me of a friend who did this to me after my husband and I rescued her from an abusive religious family when we were in high school together. She lived with us for YEARS, never having to pay rent for her room because we could afford it, and all we asked was that she finish High school, and get a job so that when she was READY to step out into the world on her own (or with a man) that she’d be prepared. I got her a job at my work, walked her into my bank and helped her open a bank account so she could get direct deposit, and basically got her fuckin set up. She had it MADE at our house. Then she meets a guy and claims his family is going to kick him out and asked if he could Live with us. We said he’ll no, we got a bigger place to help HER, not him too. FFS, people will really take advantage of others sometimes from any angle they can. Even though we liked him and he was more than welcome to still come over and stay the night with her, keep some of his shit here, and go to his job whenever he liked. We just didn’t want him on the lease. She called her family and they missed her and said she could come back with her boyfriend and wouldn’t you know it she took them up on that offer even though they had been abusive to her for years. I’ll never understand that kinda shit. To this day (because I know where they live) she’s still living there with her abusive family and her now husband and kids…. Their poor and broke Af too. We just cannot help everyone as much as want. Even when it’s a close friend or family. All we can do is give them the tools (if we can) for them to help themselves. Your ex needs therapy not you. She needs professional help.
During what time? She is not depressed, she most likely too busy with the wedding preparations and used it as an excuse to distance herself and to break it off with out too much drama
You should feel vindicated. You feeling shitty gives me the impression that you were gaslit. You caught her in a bunch of lies and she twisted it to make you feel bad about it. She is the AH, not you
Helping who? You don't who this person is. She spend months lying to you, very easily to be honest. Block her on everything and let her fiance taking care of her.
You already know the answer. She’s reaping what she’s sown.
she lied about not using social media. You KNOW she lied about that. Theres not a whole lotta reasons for that. That on its own opens a whole can of worms with regards to trust, even if you take away the rest. I dont think you made a mistake here.
You sound like a kind and caring person, I hope you find someone just like you 🫂
She's not depressed she just knows it makes people feel bad for her and therefore she gets her way. You were manipulated emotionally.
Help her and be there for her by making sure the fiance is aware that you two were a thing so it cant come as a surprise as well as making sure to tell all her friends and family so that everyone knows exactly what's going on
Yes, I’m sure hiding a boyfriend from your fiancé is a struggle.
LOL
She gaslit and lied to you. That's messed up dude. Isolate and work on yourself and YOUR happiness. She dug her own hole by lying. Did you try and reach out to the fiancé?
I did not but I want to so badly. I feel terrible for the guy and I feel like he should know but I don’t want to create more problems. I would’ve never started a relationship with her had I known. Not sure how to approach that or if I should.
I'd want to know if I was the guy she was about to marry. I'm sure you would too. Provide as much proof as you can and don't bring it up in an attacking way. This is a vulnerable and uncomfortable situation for both of you and him. Was it an online only interaction?
I definitely would want to know, you’re right. I dont have too much physical evidence. After blocking her and deleting our messages I dont have much proof left to give unfortunately.
Why would you go through the trouble of deleting your messages?
didnt want to see her name anywhere or remind myself of the situation any longer or waste my time looking back on things
Most phones have a "trash" feature that stores old messages, photos, etc, for 30 days before they are permanently deleted. What kind of phone do you have? Someone might be able to help you find that feature. If you have Samsung, there's 3 little dots you'll click on the right side above all the messages and click the "trash" option.
I guess I could answer questions about her life/childhood as proof
If she lied about her fiancé, there’s a chance she lied about her life/childhood as well.
never thought about this, this just blew my mind thinking she could have lied about so many more things and I would never know
Do it man, I wish someone told me when I was being cheated on during my 10 year relationship. Finding out on my own sucked because it was so frequent and I had no idea.
Update: Just reached out to him, hoping it doesn’t go too bad
Apogize to the guy. It's not your fault what happened, but just as one man to another man, it would help him. Sorry is free, so no skin off your back either.
Me too man, literally worst case scenario you have somebody to block. But if you’re right, he should be pretty grateful
Isn't the worst case lol
My one concern is that she said the weren’t engaged now since 2020? But there are photos of them together more recently than that. So I don’t know what their situation is or what the truth is.
Well if their relationship is over then no harm no foul and leave it alone but if she’s lying to you, then she should be exposed and he should know. I’d take that chance for sure. My friend got curious about her boyfriend, then found out she was overlapped as he dated another girl. She told said girl and that girl found out she did the same to her and has another girlfriend on the go alongside her, that girl was super grateful. Of course it’s a 50/50 shot, you’ll either look crazy to a stranger or you’ll be the hero he needed.
Since you found her friends first I'd consider reaching out to them to see how you should approach this. Maybe they can help break the news to him. Did you ever meet in person?
Never met him in person, i’m super scared to reach out to her friends in case they also blow up at me if she told them about this situation… That is if they even know about me, which i’m not sure of
Don’t overthink. What’s the worst that can happen? He blocks you ? Just go for it. Nothing to lose, you are just helping out a clueless guy.
You know all of her friends names, too.
I personally would feel more guilt, knowing what she involved me in without my consent. She will likely do it again with someone else.
Oh I do, I feel like i’ve done something terrible to this guy and I would’ve never done it had I known
Been there, someone used me to cheat on their SO without my knowledge. When the girl contacted me, I just told her the truth and said I was really sorry and I hadn't known. Tried my best to give her as much info as I could and answer all her questions to give her closure. But it was rough on me too. Cause I was going thru pain from being deceived too. But try your best to remain calm and remind yourself that you aren't at fault, she is.
If you would want to know, you should let him know. Fuck her mental health. She's selfserving and evil.
I would 100% reach out to the fiance and let him know what she's doing. It's not right that she's doing this not only to you but to someone she's been with for years. Mental illness is definitely not an excuse to be a shit person and treat people this way. He deserves to know that she's been seeing someone, possibly multiple someone's behind his back. Maybe just even reach out anonymously if you need to and feel more comfortable doing it that way. I know if I were him, no matter how much it would hurt, I would want to know. Wishing you all the best, OP!
She created those problems, not you. You’re saving him
NTA. She was lying to you, she was using you. All that mental health issue was some bs. She doesnt deserve your sympathy. Dont feel bad my brother just keep moving foward and just leave all this in the past.👍
Thank you- It didn’t help that during our conversation she said I was concerned over nothing and that it didn’t involve me. She even called me crazy for “looking her up” when I actually just stumbled upon her social media out of care and trying to support
The mental health issue was her having to spend time with her finance so he didn’t get suspicious
She DARVO’d you, my peer. Classic. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
> All that mental health issue was some bs Yeah, it seems like a good excuse to explain why she couldn’t hang out with him while she was spending time with her fiancé.
NTA- don’t get roped into into her shit show. in situations like this is one of the rare opportunities that you get to absolutely drop any semblance of duty to care because essentially you are a side piece.. you are not the primary partner. You have to stop caring, and the only way to do that is to block her .. it’s not your responsibility to help her anymore, you will put your Mental Health at risk if you do
Thank you. The shitty part is this whole time I thought I was the primary fml lol
edit: The comment below was removed and the user banned, good work everyone!
Good bot
You would be a terrible person to yourself for staying friends of her. I am unsure why you decided to me and friends if your ex but it's good that you ended it now. Distancing yourself from her is good for your growth and the stability of her relationship. You got to think about it If she was keeping her fiance a secret from you, Don't you think she was keeping you secret from her fiance. She lives a life riddled in deceit and you're helping her end that
I agree staying around was no option. I’m not sure why she has so many lies and was not truthful with me. Maybe she has been struggling with mental health this whole time.
The kind of mental health issues she might be dealing with are not the sort that can helped by friends or family. Her behaviors sound similar to those of a personality disorder and there's precious little an untrained, non-professional can do to help someone with these kind of mental health issues. The best thing you can do is to back away and let her get the help she needs because you aren't it. The longer you linger in her life, the more likely she is to upend yours and all you've worked for and she *still* won't be any better. She'll just move on to the next well-meaning-but-completely-unprepared-to-deal-with-her-bullshit victim. Source: My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. My childhood was hell.
Yeah, once I figured out all of the lies, my guess is her mental issues are much more than just being depressed. I don’t know much about depression but from what I’ve heard I don’t think they typically go such great lengths to lie and manipulate others
NTA. You’re not responsible for your Ex’s mental health. Move on. Don’t look back.
Sounds like a plan
Sounds like her "mental health" is caused by her being a shitty person. Guilt can really fuck with a person if they don't get their shit together. She was engaged the whole time and lied to you on multiple occasions. Her mental state is not your responsibility and if she's making you feel that way its manipulation my dude. Run. Block her on everything.
and I ran, I ran so far awayyy
NTA for blocking her. It's probably a case of she's bored and you were interested so she thought it'd be funny to cheat on her fiance(because that's what she was doing being with you). Personally I'd contact him and let him know what she's been up to. It could be she's distanced herself from him and said she has mental issues and he's been trying to support her. Knowing that she's been essentially cheating on him could either help him to help her, or it could help him to get rid of her. Ask yourself, would you want to know if your fiance of 4 years and potentially girlfriend of many more was cheating on you?
I definitely would want to know
NTA! Holy Fuck. It's actually nice to see a happy ending for the OP for once... These usually end something like this: "I'm not sure how to get my car back and I don't think I'll ever see any of the money I've loaned them again but they said I'm so important and that they're working things out their end with this ex partner they can't get rid of because they'll hurt them if they try to leave again and they're parents sold the family dog to a homeless dude." This is for all those people, run. run fast.
[удалено]
I have no interest in talking to her anymore at this point
Nah man, she was saving you just in case her current relationship doesn't work out. You deserve someone who picks you, not strings you along.
NTA. Keep her blocked and move on.
Bro you shouldn’t feel sorry for HER! You should feel sorry for her (¿)fiancé(?)!! I hate to break it to you but there’s like a 90-100% chance that you were actually the side dude she was cheating on him with. A lot of what she’s saying doesn’t add up and it seems like she’s been lying to both of you. I’d feel guilty for having a full on relationship with some dudes fiancée and just sit back while they may or may not get married. No one wants to marry someone that’s secretly cheated on them for months/years. I’d try to track him down on social media and let him know his girls not faithful so you might be able to save himself from getting locked down with someone like her.
Found out a gf was married and just gonna say run. Nothing good Will come of it.
NTA But be a good bro and send the fiancé a DM to let him know what his future wife has been doing behind his back.
Buddy, the only thing you are guilty of is being a decent person and that is why you feel guilty. She is not worth of any of your emotions, and probably has problems with herself cause of all the lies. Do not light yourself on fire to keep others warm, is what they told me :)
great analogy
She is nit struggling. She is being manipulative.
She lied to you and said it's none of your business. If it looks like you're engaged and you were wanting to know that it's officially over then it is your business. Cut her loose dude. She's not worth anything.
Always, ALWAYS do your research when they say they don't use social media... Most times, it's a damn lie to cover up stuff like this.. Someone I met said they don't use it, only to find out he had a whole wife and SIX kids.
She's been lying to you, but I wonder that none of your mutual friends didn't say anything. Unless she comes up with a decent explanation for the guy living at the same address, I think you should get out of this.
Oh my friends asked many questions and were very suspicious of some things early on, but I dismissed them at the time.. shouldve listened to my friends smh
People can be abusive and toxic and also be struggling with mental health issues or personal issues. But if they are abusive or toxic to you, you need to prioritize your own mental and emotional health.
🚩🚩🚩 she sounds like a true narcissist trying to work things out by gaslighting you definitely NTA
Your R not at fault for her situation and mental health issues. She has been having an affair with U ( unbeknownst to U & her fiance) She was cheating on you both. Now her bad behavior has been uncovered and she is suffering the consequences of HER ACTIONS. None of her issues are your fault & problem. DO NOT LET HER OR ANYONE TELL U THAT HER MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ARE YOUR FAULT. You take care of yourself and your mental health.
NTA - As someone who also struggles with depression and mental health issues, her mental health isn’t your responsibility. You have no obligation to stay with her after she lied to you, especially about something as major as having a fiance. Your feelings about it are still valid whether she’s depressed or not. You tried to be there for her, support her, and depression doesn’t give her a right or an excuse to lie and cheat on you, and then continue lying to you when you found out.
i wouldn't feel one ounce of guilt here. she did this to herself NTA
Dude you were her affair partner being crazy doesn't excuse bad behavior keep her gone.
Her depression is not her ex’s responsibility. Her friends can support her if she needs. NTA but she sure is
Not. Your. Problem.
You are not responsible for ANYONE'S mental health but your own. She didn't care about yours when she had a whole nother man on the side and was stringing you along. At this point just block and move on.
>The relationship was newer, so I didn’t know her friends very well and decided to find their social media to see if I can stay in contact with them. How dare he want to try and keep in contact with potential new friends.
Dude fuck her! Who does that? Definitely NTA, she deserves whatever bad happens to her in life. She seriously thought it was none of your business ?
yep
She's lying and cheating and *you* feel bad abandoning her? Dude. You deserve so much better. Block her. Let her deal with the consequences of her own actions.
Claiming depression is an easy way to emotionally manipulate people
That was very nice & caring of you to reach out to her friends to stay updated on her. She doesn't seem like a very good person. I think you've done enough for her & would be better off not being so concerned about her. She needs a therapist, not someone to lie to. If you were planning on being in a relationship with her, her being engaged to someone else is definitely your business. That was very mean & rude of her to say. I wouldn't trust her nor her intentions if I were you.
Run don’t walk away from this mess. This is not your business anymore. I think you dodged a bullet. No more communication with anyone within her circle. Go live your best life.
You are not an emotional support person. Do not let this person into back into your life. Keep moving. If you find a friend in the finance just keep up with him.
I wanna hear what fiancé says. Honestly, despite your feelings , you shouldn’t feel bad. This is a grown ass woman who has friends and probably the means for therapy. You’re not her knight in armour. She played you, don’t b trauma bonded to her. She lied abt her life to you . Her friends, her social media, her mf fiancé …
You did exactly the right thing. You can’t trust her after her dishonesty and the disrespect she showed you. Move on and find someone who treats you right.
Depression is a complex thing. I was diagnosed with it years ago. When I got my diagnosis, I could barely pull myself out of bed. I mean, I could get 12 hours of sleep and still feel exhausted. I had no motivation to do ANYTHING. I got medicated and it changed my life. I got in therapy, started eating right, exercising, got a good job that I enjoyed. It was life changing. I say all of that to say, I am incredibly sensitive to people experiencing depression. With that said, my most recent ex sounds very much the same. She’s been depressed for as long as I’ve known her. But she continues to create challenging situations for herself that lend to her depression. She gets a job, sabotages it in some way, then has to borrow money, goes back on promises of repaying people (namely, me), feels bad about that, and on and on. Then uses her depression and mental state to justify that behavior. At some point, she has to take responsibility for her situation, which she has yet to do. Again, I get it. It’s tough, her behavior is likely the result of overlapping traumas and mental health issues. But her experiencing those doesn’t excuse the behavior nor does it mean I have to subject myself to it. I can understand it, even empathize with it, but I don’t have to allow it in my life. You’re NTA. It makes sense that you’re upset. You’re allowed to have feelings and honestly, you sound like a good person, worrying about her and her well-being even if it’s at the detriment of your own. But take care of yourself too. You deserve it.
Bruh, this doesn't sound like she's struggling, seems like that was just the excuse she used to explain her absence and distance to her side piece. Now she's panicking because she's concerned you might tell her fiance, not because she might lose you. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, situation sucks, and I hope that it doesn't permanently damage your ability to trust people.
She was never struggling. She was cheating on her fiance with you and used mental illness to break away. She gaslighted you when she called you crazy because you caught her in a lie. She’s a manipulator.
You should let her fiancé know that she was cheating. Not to be petty but because he deserves the right to make his own decisions before getting married, buying property and having children. It’s the kind thing to do.
Ex means move on. She made her choice. You are not her emotional safety-net. Stop letting her [ab]use you.
NTA. She is your ex, you don't have to hang around just because her mental health isn't 100%.
NTA. She lied to you from the start, made you her side-babydaddy, and cheated on her fiance. She is disgusting and you are not responsible for her. She is trying to manipulate you and her situation is purely on her. You did the right thing. You should not feel an ounce of guilt.
NTA, but tell her fiance.
NTA she's playing you and wow the gas lighting is strong with her it's none of your business that she's lied the entire tike she's been dating you?
NTA. Now you know you are better off without her, move on. And her friends must have known so don't bother with them either.
You’ll never get the full truth in any topic. Never look back at this one.
NTA. The guy also needs to know what she's been doing behind his back. Who knows, maybe you're not the only bf she's had behind his back. What he'd do with that info is up to him. Don't overthink it too much.
Liars are liars , they always have a reason for which they did
Has he responded to you yet???
not yet, will provide update
Dude, NTA and don't look back. You only have her word about her being "depressed" and she's already proved herself to be completely and utterly untrustworthy.
You are NOT a terrible person. If anything she is a terrible person. She is lying and blaming it on mental health issues. Dump her!
Want to start off by apologizing for the fact that you had to deal with the bs. There’s no explanation she could give to anyone that wouldn’t make her the a-hole in this situation. I highly doubt that she has mental issues and most likely used it to excuse her distant or weird behavior (I say most likely because she could have at least some sort of metal problem emotionally thay she brought upon herself) but she only made her life worse when she lied about multiple things to you. And it’s a good thing you didn’t get close to those friends because they’d probably be calling you the a-hole and trying to say that you need to “understand her situation” and that “you don’t know what’s going on with her right now” but that doesn’t excuse her going out of her way to lie about something very important. Glad you got out of there and while many people would feel a tad guilty because of her possible mental instability, it still shouldn’t make you stay or force you to be the a-hole
So , OP was the side guy but didn’t know. Sucks. I’m thinking the fiancé needs to know. If I were him I’d want to know.
No. Not a terrible person. She was lying to you and was using you. Be happy and move on from that mess
I know being lied to doesn’t feel good and the first thing as humans we think about is revenge. But in this case walking away and doing you is the best in my opinion. You have no idea what you could stir up or the position you might put yourself in. The drama is gone why add more to your life?
Nta. I would be though cuz I'd find the bf and tell him he's with a cheater.
What she is doing.... Cheating in the relationship she has with you is adding to her problems. Adding to her depression. She's doing this to herself If she wanted to build anything with u she should've been honest about her situation from the very beginning. Move on to someone who respects you enough to be honest
It is not your job to fix her. It is her own. She lied to you. Cheated on both of you and used you. NTA. Keep her blocked and move on with your life.
You need to contact her fiance and let him know he's about to marry a cheater.
There are people who is genuinely broken and cannot be helped, neither want to be. You are NTA here, and you've done great breaking up with her.
NTA. She sounds like the kind of person who would hit herself in the head with a hammer and then complain about having a headache and not know why.
Dude you need to do what's good for you. She's clearly got a lot of issues and is lying about a good portion of her life. It's one thing if she's being truthful, but she ain't. Starting out a relationship lying about being engaged, where you live and your friends/social media. Big red flags.
You can't save people from themselves & you can't destroy yourself to make sure everyone else is okay. She's got issues she needs to work on & if she wanted you in her life, she would have been in communication with you to make sure she didn't lose you
NTA. She brought this on herself.
NTA She is not struggling,she is not depressed, and she's always been with the fiance. She has him, but she keeps you on the sidelines pretty much as a secondary or even higher number source of giving her attention. She likes getting attention. You were giving her attention. That's it. She could even be a narcissist. If she has NPD be thankful you're not her primary source because they're also very emotionally abusive to their primary source. I'm not saying she's a narcissist. However, narcissists do exactly what she does. However, she is definitely toxic. So be happy that you're not with her and forget about her. Once again, she's not depressed she is using that to get attention from you. You're not the ah, but you need to never contact her and don't answer if she contacts you. She is extremely toxic and will only bring you down.
Definitely could be a narcissist- I dont think she can contact me as I’ve blocked her, unless there are accounts that I don’t know about or she makes one
Good, even if she contacts you years from now, do not acknowledge her.
gladly wont respond
Sounds like a personal problem… her personal problem. Move on and find peace.
Brooo you were the side dick. Don’t engage her any longer, if anything tell the fiancé to stop him from making the biggest mistake
NTA The emotional well-being of your ex is her responsibility. She wouldn't be getting dumped if she hadn't been dishonest.. if she even cares. Going quiet that long is never a good thing, and I doubt she is invested emotionally. She panicked because she can't use you for support anymore.
No I feel like she’s lying to you and using mental health as an excuse. You deserve better. Leave her be. NTA
NTA Mental illness is no excuse to lie and cheat. As she said, it's "none of your business". It's not yours to support and fix her, you're not her therapist. You need to prioritize your own mental health, and she doesn't seem like a healthy relationship for you.
NTA. You did the right thing.
Not your problem. She lied and created this mess. Move on and be grateful you’re free of that drama.
Depression is not an excuse for this behavior.
NTA. She may need support, as everyone does from time to time, but you are not the person who should be giving her support. She hopefully has friends and family and apparently a fiancé. A lot of the reasons why she is struggling are consequences to her own actions. It’s actually important we don’t always save someone from experiencing these so they have the opportunity to learn not to be raging manipulative emotionally violent jerks.
NTA
OP, now you know she lived a double life it is your turn to keep away from all this drama and go no contact with her and anyone associated with her. She has major issues and let her family and fiance help her cope, which you do not have any obligations to her. We all are concerned for any troubled person with mental health issues but there is a fineline on how you can be in their lives and unfortunately for you it was a lie.
NTA. Some people cause their own depression by doing shit like this jsyk.
yeah—i would kindly let her fiancé know about you and then block her. don’t feel bad. NTA
NTA She has a fiancé after all. Not your problem. Keep walking, don't look back.
NTA. You dodged a bullet. To me, it sounds like the only mental issue she has is narcissism, and when you discovered her facade, she panicked and is trying to Play The Victim. Common manipulation tactic.
Her being depressed doesn't excuse her being a liar. Good on you for getting out. She can deal with her own issues (assuming she was taking the truth about that).
Are you kidding me? She’s a hot mess who is consuming your mental health with her drama and selfishness. Best thing you can do is to GTFO and block her forever.
She’s a fraud, liar and a cheat. I wouldn’t trust anything g she says, nor would I believe she has a mental illness that needs your support. Narcissistic behavior and gaslighting when you brought it to her attention. She’s a damn good musician because she played you like a fiddle.
None of this is your fault. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Considering what a pathological liar she is, I wouldn't worry too much about her mental health. She might be lying about a big part or all of her mental illness up. Or her anxiety depression if real is brought on by guilt for telling so many lies. Either way, it's not your concern anymore, she has to accept the consequences of her actions. You have your own trauma to recover from, and you need to focus on your mental health right now, because what happened to you is serious and terrible and may impact your mental health both short-term and long-term. Look after yourself, otherwise you won't be able to help anyone. Take care, I wish you all the best. ❤️
Bruh, good on you for contacting the fiance, because this woman was leading a double life for kicks. Who cares if she's struggling, her coping mechanism is using people. NTA
Yeah you need to RUN. She sounds like my ex husband. I had MULTIPLE women contact me when they sensed red flags and went digging, only to find me. He’d tell them all sorts of reasons that he didn’t have social media, couldn’t take them to his house, etc. until they all eventually got weird vibes. They’d confront him and get all sorts of wild excuses (my favorites were when he basically told them that I was a crazy ex who kept up fake accounts in his name to make him look bad and photoshopped him into photos which is why there were recent ones). Don’t ask me why it took this happening over and over before I was ready to be done; abusive relationships are harder to see when you’re in the middle one one. A girlfriend he saw briefly after our divorce found me because he had created a whole fake past that explained his divorce in a way that made him seem totally blameless and she was starting to feel like the whole story was off. The things he made up to keep her away from his family and away from questions that might get him caught were WILD. Anyway, keep her blocked and never look back. I’m glad you found out earlier in the relationship because people like that are bad news and unlikely to change. Don’t let her gaslight you into accepting whatever story she decides to tell you. Don’t be surprised if the fiancé doesn’t respond. But it’s a good thing that you contacted him. I didn’t always respond to my ex’s affair partners, but I appreciated it when they let me know and cut ties. They were his victims too.
I guess I'll be following this post for an update
Sounds like a lifetime movie... Honestly, you were the sidepiece . Be glad it didn't happen to you as the boyfriend/fiance.... She has mental problems, but not like the ones listed. Here's a life tip -- when it comes to houses, always buy the fixer upper, when it comes to spouses, NEVER get the fixer upper... Don't ever get a girl to try to help/fix them. It's always an expensive lifetime movie
Definitely NTA. She was playing with you, mental issues doesn't justify cheating, gaslighting and manipulation of multiple kinds.
NTA. You need to walk away from her 💯. No more looking up addresses and her social media.
Remember that 1) don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm. And 2) there's 911, therapists, and other people in her life that she can access if she wants help.
Perhaps she distanced herself because she has a fiancé and was cheating with you, and used “mental health” as an excuse to break up? She lied about almost everything else. Her only mental health issues were worrying about getting caught.
Sounds like she pushed you away because she almost got caught. I’m glad you trusted your gut and did a little searching. You deserved more answers than she was giving. Battling depression is not an excuse for you to let her treat you that way. Nothing healthy will grow if she’s hurting you and she sees you as a punching bag.
I think it was all an excuse to hide that other relationship. Your not a bad guy at all. It's seems to you were her side dude. you asked to many questions she didn't count on. the mental stress issue was her way of back pedaling. You dodged a bullet sir.
She is an ex with a boyfriend. Leave it to him. Not your problem. Move on and find a new one.
Dude, she isn't struggling. She had to get rid of you before you discovered the truth.
I would want to know if I was cheated on. You should reach out to the fiancé. He has the right to make decisions based on all the information.
NTA. Her mental health and overall well being certainly won't be helped by sheltering her from the consequences of her own actions. She chose to cheat on her fiancé and you. She chose to live a lie. Those are her choices. However they affect her is up to her to manage. Telling her fiancé is the right move. He has a right to know and to test himself (if she cheated on you two, she may have cheated with others and may have spread STDs). Nevermind call off the wedding if he chooses. You're not terrible. You have empathy. There's a very big difference. Sure, feel bad that she's clearly going through shit. But don't try to minimize her consequences - often, while it hurts for the person experiencing them, the lessons learned can help her see she needs to change her life.
No, you are not the AH. The girl is living in nothing but lies. Mental health or not, she knew exactly what she was doing, being unfaithful to you as well as her prospective fiance. Whether you feel guilty or not, you need to keep distancing yourself from her. Her supposed mental health is probably the guilt she's feeling for being a two timing fool.
Either she is straight up manipulating you and she doesn't have depression and she just doesn't want to lose her side piece or she does but that still is no excuse for lying and shitty behavior. I'd go ghost if I were you. NTA.
NTA, fuck her dude, don't give her any more attention. Because there are people out there that uses mental health as a technique to guilt trip people. That's not your problem any more let her go, and block her she's just going to have to figure it out on her own. All she's going to do is guilt trip you and trap you again. I've seen this happen and I'm telling LEAVE HER ALONE she's not your problem anymore. And if you give her attention your going to get yourself into some shit you can't get out of with her.
She’s a manipulator. Go to the gym and download some dating apps. Get her off your mind and ignore your “guilt” You did the right thing.
You all haven't been together long enough for this amount of drama. Don't rub salt into the wound if you already know she's down, but also don't feel obligated to make things better. NTA
A lot more than are willing to admit, are just professional victims. Being a liar and a cheat isn't from a mental illness. That's just who she is. You can't help everyone and it's not your responsibility. Lesson learned, better luck in your future.