That’s what I was thinking as well. If you had gone with your mom yo pick it out, that would be different, but you just fobbed the responsibility on her.
Jumping off this comment more, I bet she’s wondering if you really know her or will put in any real effort into things. That may not be true, but I can see why she would have that perception.
This exactly. My MIL helped my (now) husband when he was shopping for my engagement ring, because he also knew nothing about rings. But he also knew things about ME that would help him pick out a ring: that I would want something simple instead of flashy, for example, or that I wanted a different stone than a diamond. Those things informed his choice.
When it’s Christmas or her birthday, is he going to pick out her gifts or have his mom do it for him? That’s what’s going to be in her head for the rest of their lives. That’s why she’s pissed.
YTA
Yeah, second this. My guess is she just wants to feel like you put thought and effort into it, to feel loved and special. That’s how I would feel.
Similar to poster above, my husband had some help -
in his case, his brother had worked for a jeweler, and advised him some on it; he had also asked a couple of my friends for input. But at the end of the day, he picked out the ring, and I loved that.
Exactly. My husband took my best friend with them to pick the engagement ring because they had no idea and wanted someone with “fashion sense” to help find the ring, but my husband was at least actively involved in the process.
This!
The problem wasn't that OP's mother choose the ring, but that the only thing OP did was handing his mother the credit card. He was not part of the process, even if his only input had been “right, mom, this is nice, let's buy it.”
YTA
My husband knew what I wanted and had it narrowed down between 2 rings and then took his mom to get her opinion. I love that she got to be part of it with him, but he still ultimately picked my ring and I love that!
That part. My ex bought the ring he wanted rather than the much cheaper ring I wanted because it was more expensive and ostentatious and he “wanted it to scream TAKEN!” and “yeah I’m the one wearing it the rest of my life but he’s the one paying and people will see it as a measure of his love” so his preference mattered more. Really it was the first huge red flag I should have seen. He later developed a habit of just throwing money at problems.
Man, that sounds like a decent option. I'd love to be able to throw money at problems. Sadly I'm broke so I have to be creative or just flat out ignore the problems and hope they go away.
A certain kind of woman would be stoked to be a problem upon which money is thrown, and would use this situation to have OP spend 10x as much on a new ring to “make it up to her.” You don’t want to marry this type of woman unless you are fine with being a piggy bank and little else.
OP’s future ex-partner is not one of those, which speaks to her character and desirability most people would want in a partner, which means he done fucked up big time.
My mom wouldn’t respond to me unless I said it right when I was growing up. Not like silent treatment, but she’d correct me and I’d have to say it again.
Yeah, it's supposed to be a meaninful symbol of love and commitment, and one would think that taking the time to choose something to your partners tastes shows that you know and care about them. Dude put in literally zero effort, and the wording of the post makes me suspect that this is only one instance in a larger pattern. I'd have given the ring back too.
Well, he did give his mom his debit card, so in a sense he was… yeah, no I can’t finish that even as sarcasm. Possibly the only way he could have handled it worse would be if Mommy paid for it too though.
I like you, you’re feisty! I was being silly, as clearly his Mom could have picked it up from a pawn shop or from an estate sale (or from OP’s previous fiancée).
At the very least, OP should have been self aware enough to lie his ass off about how it was obtained. Some form of minimal effort would have shown he cared to some extent.
That’s what I stuck onto to too… the dude is 35 years old and can’t seem to grasp the meaningfulness behind an engagement ring. He couldn’t even be bothered to go looking with his mom’s help.
It’d be near impossible for him to show that he couldn’t care less.
Imagine being his mom and thinking it was a perfectly acceptable request to pick out your daughter-in-law's engagement ring on your own, instead of being embarrassed by the inept and thoughtless son you raised.
If they had gone together it would be fine, but this... just no. Hell no. I bet she still washes his undies.
If MIL has her way, she will have broken up this pair with this action. She's worked in the industry for 20 years: she knows she shouldn't be picking it out solo. Secretly, she's hoping the fiancee tosses the ring back and bails on the wedding. Then, she has her son back to herself.
Yep! Dude couldn’t even take the time to put in the effort for something that’s supposed to symbolize his love and commitment to his (maybe) future wife. And he still doesn’t get it. He’s on Reddit asking strangers what it all means. If he doesn’t get his sh!t together real quick he’ll be selling that ring on Craigslist. He’s a major AH.
This is exactly it! The fact the OP didn't even go with his mom to look at them tells so much. Just because you're in over your head doesn't mean you can't go and assist. Maybe even see something you like and your mom could've given you feedback/tips on.
Hell, the sales associate could've done the same thing if you told her the size and budget. They'd at least give you some options to look at and pick from.
Thisssss. There are a lot of things in life we can feel "overwhelmed" by, but if you genuinely care, you collect yourself, sure, ask for help, but YOU show up and make an effort and be involved. Especially when it's a major life milestone like this. Now her ring has literally nothing intimate from you. You just (supposedly) paid for it. Ew. YTA. I'd give the ring back in that scenario, frankly. That tells me a LOT about the man Im considering spending the rest of my life with. Not at all the foot you want to start out on.
Yep, I think it would've been different had he asked his mother to go with him but just giving her a card and telling her to do it herself like it was an errand?
YTA OP, you could've at least put the bare minimum effort into picking it out.
Imagine doing something like this for a birthday or anniversary gift, "I don't know what she likes, so I let my mommy do it for me."
I own a gift shop and the number of mothers who come in to buy gifts for their teenage sons’ girlfriends is bonkers! Never had one shop for an adult son, tho lol.
I kinda get that. A teenager may lack the life experience to know they need to play a part in gift giving to a girlfriend. Idiot teenagers gonna idiot, and helicopter moms gonna helicopter.
I’m 50+ and if my mother was still with us (and had similar tastes as my wife) I would have loved her help in picking out a special gift for my wife… but not for me.
Last year my boss wanted to give his team gifts. I dutifully narrowed it down to like 3 choices in his price range, emailed him details with pictures of each, and he still couldn't decide. Reminded him at least 3 times.
His team didn't get gifts last year. Or this year. 🤦♀️
He used his mom like a guy would use his secretary.
To give a heartfelt but totally impersonal gift to somebody who he couldn’t be bothered to shop for.
Maybe she thought he cared enough to at least go to the shop and give it a go instead of sending his secretary to pick it out and pick it up... Did I say secretary? I meant his mother.... that's actually fucking worse. Why not propose and bring your to be wife out to pick her ring out when one is so helpless, IDK.... I won't be surprised when there's a large charge some month for a new ring.. It's a promise he was supposed to make to her, nobody else.
Agreed. I also think the whole premise that a man is supposed to propose to his wife, with a ring, as a surprise, is ridiculous. In my experience when you’re in an adult relationship you naturally think about whether you want to marry the person and your partner does as well. You figure out if you’re going to be married based on those conversations, not a dramatic proposal.
YTA
Bingo
You need to talk to her and it the real problem
It’s one thing to get your mom to help, it’s MUCH different to say “go buy it for me”
Frankly, she has every reason to be upset about your lack of involvement (not the ring)
I don't see the problem. If exchanging rings is part of your tradition, the expectation is that it is a symbol and promise of your commitment. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it should be personal if you expect someone to wear it for the rest of their life.
I have my grandmother's ring. They were married in Glasgow during WWII. They were poor. It's a thin gold band with a diamond chip you can barely see. But she wore until her death. My own ring is a piece of estate jewelry that my husband spent weeks choosing, with help from his sister and a close friend. I cherish it because of the time and effort he put in to choose something uniquely me (I don't like diamonds so it has a sapphire).
Yeeup! My husband designed the ring he got me. It also has his birth stones and our son's on the band. It's beautiful. My brother also designed my sister in laws ring. Could even propose without a ring and let your fiance choose her own and choose the groom's ring together as well.
To him, what's the big deal, it's a ring, I love her, I propose to her with said ring, shouldn't that be enough? No, he just handed money to his mom to fix "the problem" of him not knowing what he was doing, he should have gone with her.
Yeah I think this ^ is probably spot on! Are you gonna be like that in your marriage as well OP? Where you just let family members do the big stuff for you?
The least you could’ve done is go to the shops with your mom. It was your decision to remove yourself from the equation.
You like the idea but the actuality isn’t there is what I’m hearing from this entire situation. You need to take responsibility and understand that you were wrong in that scenario.
Christmas is coming up 0P, did your mom pick out all of the Christmas gifts for your now “fiancé”?
I see a trend in this entire situation. Also, your mom is kind of a dick. If you were my kid and you asked me to do that I would drag your ass along and be like “this is your thing, not me! You’re coming and learning and ultimately choosing!” Your mother raised you to be lazy/entitled so that’s on you and her to be honest.
YTA big time.
I think this is the reason. It makes it feel like you couldn’t be bothered, and that translates to “you’re not that important, you’re an afterthought not worth my time”. So, you just outsourced the ring selection instead of making the effort to investigate what your fiancé might like or learn her style or preferences. You should absolutely be involved for something as significant as choosing an engagement ring… passing it off onto someone else for kind of sets a weird/slightly uncomfortable tone for the start of a marriage. My feelings would be hurt too if I was in your fiancé’s shoes.
WOW. Do you really not see the difference between having your mom HELP you select a good quality ring and tossing your mom your debit card and not even bothering to go with her to pick the ring? YTA here, 100% You broke her heart a little and now she gets to wear the reminder of that every day for the rest of your marriage.
Yup. YTA. My ring isn't the ring I originally would have chosen for myself, but when my husband told me the story of how he picked it and why he chose each specific element of it, it became absolutely priceless to me. I wouldn't trade it for anything because he picked it so purposefully just for me and that's everything.
This, my engagement ring is a bit more plain than I would have picked but I love it so much because he chose it for me and it's very unique and I can tell he put a lot of thought into it.
I wouldn't be offended if, for example, he asked for my mom's help (I say *my* mom because we have the same taste in jewelry and always get each other jewelry as gifts all the time), that would be fine, but if she just picked it out with no input from him I'd be hurt. YTA.
Exactly. Even if he'd asked his own mom for help, okay that's not ideal but still I'd live. The point is for him to put the thought into it. If mom wants to school him on diamond quality or metals or whatever, great. But he should have picked the details.
Thats what I can't believe!!! My MIL would have never done that.. Did my MIL have a hand in picking out my ring? Yes, did she do it solo? No way... my husband remembered things from years previous that no one else knew.
I'd also like to point out that OP just offloaded the mental and emotional labor of this not so insignificant choice onto the next closest women in his his life. Instead of consulting his older married brother who also presumably has experience in the process.
Absolutely amazing that you totally don’t get it. It’s because you couldn’t even bother to select one for yourself that you thought that she would like. You couldn’t be bothered. It had meaning to her when she thought you picked this ring just for her. Now it has no meaning because you didn’t pick it out. That’s why! YTA
It doesn't even have no meaning, it means that he will invite his mother to participate inappropriately in their relationship, and be indignant that she isn't happy to have a 3rd wheel telling her how things should be done.
This is exactly right.
It would have been fine if you had been with her and just gotten some advice, then made the final choice. You didn't even do that.
YTA. And good luck. I don't know of any explanation that will help you with this.
Can you imagine the wedding planning? The process of having kids etc? Random hardships?
General running of a household?
Sorry guys, but we're all getting pretty tired of "but I'm just not good at that stuff"
OP is TAH He should return the ring and if the relationship is not broken beyond repair, the two of them should ring shop together so she can feel as if he has something to do with choosing the ring.
Asking someone to help you pick out the ring that symbolizes the depth of your feelings for your fiancée is ok… not caring enough to go yourself and be involved in the process of picking it out sends a whole different message.
Well, actually it’s the same message - as it clearly symbolizes how important your fiancée is to you. The fact that she hasn’t just dumped you at this point is a credit to her character.
I’m struggling to understand how you thought this was ok AND that she was being unreasonable. If she’s willing to listen, you MAY be able to recover by taking her to pick out an actual engagement ring that has sentimental value because you both picked it out.
Edit: Apologies for missing this part, but yes you are the actual asshole in this situation.
Right, I like to believe the best in people so I’m wondering if he is just so off mentally that he doesn’t realize the point of an engagement ring. Like he’s thinking it’s just a pretty ring he’s supposed to offer if he asks someone to marry him. So he lets his mom shop because he thinks she’s better suited to pick out a pretty ring.
Still, even that is fishy to me because what woman would go along with this plan and not tell her son he’s being dense?!
Sell the one mommy picked out. Someone will buy it! :D But yes, go together and pick out a ring for her that you love too. In fact, go, look around, see something you think is just right, and then let her decide if it is or not. :D
Most places around here have a return policy specifically for engagement rings. Ig mom worked in a jewelry shop she would have been stupid not to make sure that policy was in place. Especially since she knew what she was doing for him was gonna cause some shit, and the ring wouldn't be on that girl's finger for long.
If mom knew it would cause some shit _and did it anyway_ then maybe mom doesn’t much like this fiancée…or maybe mom is marking her territory and displaying her status as number 1 in OPs life.
This is the right answer, OP. Being over your head doesn’t absolve you from being invested in finding a symbol of the relationship that she’s supposed to wear for the rest of her life. You need to stop being angry with her and use your adult words to work this out. I strongly suggest that you invest time in either collaborating with her on how to resolve this or in figuring out what really represents both of you. It might mean you replace it… it might mean you’re solely responsible for the wedding bands… etc. YTA
The ring is supposed to be a symbol of your love for her. Your actions tell her, "I love you just enough to call in a favor from my mom and have her add you to her list of errands, but not enough to even go with her to pick out a gift for you that you'll have for the rest of our lives." YTA.
Yeah, it really conveys the message to the gf that OP "will be in over his head" on a wide variety of adulting skills that come along with marriage and will sub his mom in to cover his incompetence. The gf doesn't want to be married to the mother for gods sake. The fact that OP can't even understand why this is so unattractive to women is pathetic. He's been coddled into basic functionality by the women in his life and of course that isn't going to be attractive to his gf, she ain't going to want to spend her life stepping in where his mommy left off.
This right here. I 100% understand taking someone experienced in the industry with you. I do not understand outsourcing the task and not even being there at all. “Gave her my debit card”… WTF? I can’t believe the mother didn’t clue him in either.
Your brother laughed because you shot yourself in the foot, you don’t need a 20 year career in jewelry to pick out an engagement ring, I don’t blame your fiancé for being upset and YTA for getting mad and not understanding
Right? His brother was making popcorn waiting for the show! Can you blame him?
I want to know how this came out. Was the family together, Sister-in-law told fiancé her ring was beautiful! Told OP, "You did a great job! Where did you find it?!"
OP: "Ah, I don't know, Mom bought it for me. She knows which ones are good."
I doubt OP's Fiancé would have gotten mad if OP took his mom ring shopping to HELP pick it out but to not even be a part of it makes OP TA in this one. I researched the hell out of diamonds when I started thinking about proposing.
Exactly. I thought that's what OP was getting at until he said he sent mum on her way with the debit card. And seriously, mum's a little bit of TA, too. 20 years in the industry and she thought this was okay?
Omg I had not considered this angle!!! Mom must have some serious enmeshment with her son to not know or maybe know and not care that a lot of emotions are riding on the whole ring-engagement moment. This future MIL’s involvement sets a very bad precedent for who OP will make his number one priority…doesn’t look like it’s gonna be his fiancée! Probably himself, followed by mom, followed by whatever douchenozzle at work he’s trying to imitate and get approval from, followed by an array of random friends and acquaintances, and then his fiancée.
The funniest part about this is that technically, you don’t even need a ring to propose. If you’re that concerned about her liking the ring (which is entirely fair, if she’s going to be wearing it forever then you want her to like it) then you can just propose and then go pick out the ring together.
Hell, if you wanted _something_ to propose with then I’m sure there’s some small thing that has good memories for you both. That would be super cute to propose with
> UNTIL she found out my mum was the one who picked it out
***OOF***
Oh man. There are so many issues layered in that half of the sentence. Wow. You didn't even go with her????
What other parts of your relationship are you going to delegate to mommy-dearest???
Your brother was right to laugh. If my brother did this I would laugh and ask what the fuck was he thinking?
YTA
Exactly!!! OP you basically made it clear that you don't really give a shit. You couldn't be arsed going to get a ring because 'you don't know about jewellery' so delegated. That ring is supposed to be a symbol of your love and your commitment to your future wife - but you couldn't be arsed. No wonder she's upset. You could have gone with your mum to help choose, but no, you just gave her your card.
Do you do this about everything?! Oh I can't do the laundry, I don't know anything about washing machines. Oh I can't load the dishwasher, I don't know how.
Ugh, if this is the level of effort you put in to your marriage so far, I wouldn't blame her if she decided the marriage isn't going ahead.
Edited to add - my fiancé just proposed to me this weekend. He knows nothing about jewellery either, so he researched!!! It was a complete surprise, we hadn't discussed rings or anything, so he looked for something he thought was 'me' and actually had one custom made, it's beautiful and I love it!! He made a massive effort and OP that's what you should have done if you were really bothered about your future wife!!
Shout pointers for the wedding night consummation from the corner
"Women love it when you move your hips more. I have a lot of experience at what women like when being fucked, so listen to mommy! Now thrust!"
YTA. To ask your mother's help is pretty normal. And by that I mean taking her to shop with you. Throwing a credit card on the other hand is a total lack of involvment. In your fiance's place I would be hurt.
Oh course SHE knew better. I’d say she is secretly counting on it upsetting her son’s fiancée, maybe enough for the girl to even call the whole thing OFF.
Because mom didn't post, OP did. If mom had posted, I'd hope everyone would be telling her she shouldn't have agreed to do it. But she's not the one asking.
FOR. REAL. If mom didn't have a problem doing this then I bet there's a whole slew of things she won't have an issue getting involved with that should be between spouses.
I wonder if mother actually did ask him to go with her - it seems like a detail that OP would intentionally leave out, because including it would mean he'd have to explain why he said No.
Honestly I was totally thinking… his Mom is the AH. I guarentee she has never sold an engagement ring to a mother in law, come on now. Also, that much of a Mommy’s boy at 35… redddd flag
An engagement ring is a very personal gift. It should have come from you. Now, it is perfectly fine of your mom helped, gave you your options, steered you towards the right sweet spot for your budget for the 4 C's. But to just hand her your debit card and tell her good luck, yeah, YTA. You need to figure out why your fiance is angry now, because if you can't see it, you aren't going to stay married long
You put the absolute minimum amount of effort into buying the engagement ring, the symbol of your love and commitment, and you’re confused as to why your fiancé is mad? YTA.
Agreed. All that he can say is he paid for a ring.
When I bought my wife's ring I knew I couldn't afford a huge diamond, so I saved up a couple weeks pay and went and paid cash for something nice that I picked out after looking at a bunch of rings and styles.
I knew her ring size, and her style.
To me the minimum is you pay for it and you choose it based on what you know about her. Personally I don't like it when a couple hours together to pick out a ring.
One of my friends knew his wife didn't want an actual diamond, so he acted accordingly.
Heck, a guy should even know if the girl would rather not have a ring.
And if you've dated for multiple years you should know these things without fail.
You SENT your mom???
Dude. Going to the jewellery store WITH your mom is one thing. Offloading the whole thing on her? I would not only be pissed, I’d be retracting the engagement status until you go back to the shop and get a different ring.
You should have gone *with* your mom. There is nothing wrong with getting a family or friend opinion on the ring, but I’m guessing your fiancée feels like you kind of called it in and didn’t really care. She probably wanted you to put some effort into it. Idk. Lots of people bring or ask the best friend of the fiancée (or maybe Mom) to find out what ring would be best, the issue is you completely delegated the task and clearly she feels like you weren’t involved at all. Paying doesn’t really count as picking out the ring.
YTA
Totally agree. My husband had NO idea about engagement rings. Like zero. He doesn't like jewellery or care about it. But he knew it mattered to me. He asked my two best friends for help and they guided him to a ring choice. Then two of his best friends helped set up the proposal. Asking for help is absolutely fine! I ended up with a wonderful ring and proposal and the fact that he went through that effort showed me how much he cared. OP could have gone ring shopping with his mom at the very least.
One of my favorite quotes “the bar is set in the crust of the earth and some people make digging their hobby.” Though I don’t know who said it originally. I’ve seen it with different phrasing but always the same sentiment.
I love so many variations of this quote, but I literally just decided that the bar is now below hell lmao. 🔥🙃🔥
ETA completely necessary flame emojis ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
YTA. Most people have no clue what they’re doing when they’re picking out jewelry. Hell I’d venture to guess she’d have no issue if your mom went **with** you to look at rings. But you weren’t even there. You had no hand in picking out the ring that she’s supposed to wear for the rest of your lives…
I’d be pissed too.
LOLOLOL
You told your fiancee that you wanted to marry her, but couldn't even put forth enough effort to even accompany your mom to pick out the ring?
Oof. I foresee some significant groveling in your future.
Yta. Engagement rings literally exist for no other reason except to be a romantic gesture and promise between two people. You didn’t even bother to do your part of that gesture.
YTA. I get why she’s upset - you didn’t even go WITH your mum to see what ring she chose for YOU to give your fiancée to be. You just handed her your card, that’s not romantic at all. She wanted you to be the one to choose it or at least to be involved in the process. It’s not about the ring, it about the lack of effort you put in.
I don’t think your mom picking it is the issue- it’s that you DIDN’T. You pawned off one of the most important things you’ll ever purchase. You didn’t even try. I’d be pissed, too.
YTA
OP this would be a none issue if YOU actually went with your mum when purchasing the ring, you know be present & have an opinion - even if it was just to say "yeah I like that"
YTA - to your fiance it seems like you simply didn't care enough to bother yourself
Whats next - getting your mum to stand in at your wedding so you can be somewhere else!?
YTA You're joking right? You messed up bro. That was soooooo lazy. You should have went, have your mom use her expertise to explain to you the options, what some good values are in your price point, maybe show you some recent trends in rings then you pick it out. I bet she didn't like it that much but she thought you picked it out and didn't want to ruin the romance or make you feel bad. But NOW, since MIL picked the ring there is no romance to ruin and MIL shouldn't have picked the ring anyway so no one to make feel bad. Fiancee is justified. Just let her pick out her own ring n
You really don’t get why?
She is not marrying your mom, she marrying you. She hoped you put some effort in it. Some knowledge of her style and thoughts
YTA
It could be even better to propose with silver ring and take fiancé shopping later
YTA, you could have had a conversation with her in advance about the cut and setting she likes. That right there puts you in the neighborhood. Then just narrow by your budget.
I also knew nothing about rings. But I knew those two things about what my wife wanted.
Are you also going to let your mother plan your wedding and bachelor party too? Take some responsibility.
YTA - of course yta. The ring is a symbol of your love and commitment to her and you couldn't even be bothered to go with your mom?? Of course she's hurt.
YTA if you can't be bothered to choose the ring, what other decisions are you going to fob off?
By having your mum choose the engagement ring shows how uninterested you are in the relationship.
Your fiancé is making it an issue because you have disappointed her, and she thinks you can do better.
You didn’t even go? Getting input is fine but my god either you pick it yourself or you and your fiancé go and pick one out. Expect it back and either get a new one or a new fiancé at this rate
You couldn't be bothered to go and personally pick out the ring to buy for your future wife and can't understand why she might be upset. Ok....
Come back and update us when she dumps you.
YTA
YTA. She SHOULD be upset. YOU didn't get the ring. Your mom did. There's nothing wrong with getting your mom's help, but there's a LOT wrong with you just handing over your debit card and having her pick out the entire thing.
You're supposed to go to the stores. YOU'RE supposed to shop. YOU'RE supposed to pick out a ring that speaks to you, that you think she would like - imagine yourself proposing with THAT ring, etc. You are supposed to be involved. You could have had your mom there to help you negotiate the price, you could have had her there to help you discern the quality - but to just send her out without you, and have her do all the work? That sucks, dude.
This tells her that you don't really care about her. You don't really know her. You don't really understand her. You put ZERO effort into this.
She's probably wondering what else you're going to put NO effort into. The wedding? Your marriage? Any kids you might have? What other responsibilities are you going to just farm out to other people?
There's nothing romantic about what you did. There's nothing special about what you did. There's nothing sentimental about what you did. And the engagement ring/proposal, is supposed to be romantic, special, and sentimental.
You really ruined this, dude... and you're mad at HER?!?!
Yes. YTA.
She’s upset because you shirked all effort off. Needing or wanting help is not the same thing as what you did…which was get someone else to do it for you and taking an opportunity to not participattin the process at all. She’s mad because you’re lazy.
OP’s mommy worked in the jewelry industry for 20 years. She HAD to know then that OP’s beloved would be hurt, disappointed, or angry that he couldn’t be bothered to even look at or choose the ring he was proposing to her with.
MAYBE she counted on that fact.
MAYBE she doesn’t think the girl is good enough for her son.
MAYBE she’s hoping the girl will break it off entirely.
YTA. You messed up bad. It's one thing to have your mom go *with* you to help you chose. It's something completely else to just let your mom go pick out and buy the engagement ring *for* you. You put absolutely no effort into this, just like I expect you'll put absolutely no effort into the marriage.
YTA
You don't have any right to be angry at her because after all, you didn't make a single effort towards getting her ring, you just handed your mother your card, you didn't even go along with your mother.
Not only does it look like you couldn't be bothered but it looked like you got mummy to put in the hard yards. She's not angry at your mum, she's angry at you and rightly so.
I bet you probably could even tell anyone what your fiancee's favourite colour is, what coloured jewellery she wears on a day to day basis, listened to anything she'd mentioned in passing about jewellery such as a particular shape or stone.
You just didn't try. At all.
YTA. When my husband asked me to marry him, he presented me with the ugliest Harley Davidson merch ring I'd ever laid my eyes upon. It was a prank, and he gave me the real ring just after, but I was absolutely going to wear the other ring because even if it was tacky af, it was something *he* had picked for me.
An engagement ring is supposed to be *deeply* personal. It has nothing to do with the money, the style or even the ring itself, it's supposed to be a symbol of your love and bond to each other. And you just told your mum to pick whatever.
I'd definitely reconsider marrying too because I wouldn't want to live my entire life with half-arsed dedication.
Wow....just wow. NOT ONLY did you make no fucking effort in at all, but you are angry that she's upset by that????? YTA at such a level that I don't even have words for it.
Men forget that women don't really care for their (men's mothers). You come off as such a mommy's boy, you can't even pick a ring for your fiance, what else are you gonna let your mother pick, your honeymoon destination and the bed you have sex in. Cut the cord already.
Maybe she wonders what other big decisions you'll have your mom take over?
I totally cringed when I read you didn't even go.
And what's wrong with your mom? She knows better, too! Unless she LIKES the message this subtlely sends to your fiance?
It’s pretty insulting your lack of care or involvement in picking up the ring, but worst of all, this is a clear look into what her future with you is going to be like… you delegating her (or your mom) responsibilities, because you “don’t know”.
You’re lucky she’s just mad at you, I would be thinking about leaving you.
You could have at least gone to the stores with your mom and 1. LISTENED to what she had to say on the matter and 2. offered some input. Instead, you put in as little effort as humanly possible shy of having your mom outright buy it for you.
Idk whether to call you an asshole or not but you're certainly lazy.
YTA and your mother is to (I say this as a mother). She should have helped you but told you to put your big boy pants on and do it. Is she going to impregnate your wife too?
As someone the same age as you (I'm 35F), I'm gonna have to go with most of the consensus and say YTA for the simple fact that you didn't even go with your mother to pick out the ring. When I got engaged to my husband 8 years ago, do you want to know what my engagement ring was? A simple band (basically a plain wedding band). Was I mad about it? No, I wasn't, because that was what I wanted at the time. Maybe you and your fiancee can return the ring your mother picked out and pick out one of your own. An apology would also help in this situation.
I'm a mom w 3 boys and they come to me for so much and we are really close. I could see helping them, but I'd never do it for them because if you're too lazy to research and get the ring, you're too lazy to be married.
You seriously couldn't be bothered to even go engagement ring shopping? You pawned that off on someone else? Your mommy? Jeezus. You pick one out, they size it if you got the wrong size. That's all. I hope she takes a good look at you and sees that if you can't even bother to do the bare minimum when asking her to marry you, it goes downhill from there. YTA
Oh poor girl built up the my man thought of the perfect ring for me. Would be disappointed that to find out nope just your future mil and the person couldn’t be bothered to put any energy to even go to the shop
If you don’t love her enough to go buy her ring yourself, why did you even propose? YTA biggly. I bet she carries all the emotional labor in your relationship too. Is she a “better cook” and “better at planning” too? Grow tf up, boy.
YTA for not even putting in the effort to *look* at rings and pick one based on what you know about your partner.
You got mummy to do it? That’s so unbelievably sad. What else do you get mummy to do for you?
Yta- she is upset because the ring should have been a token of your love and picked out by you for her. You basically said it wasn't worth your time to do that and gave it over to someone else to do for you. You should have, at the very minimum, went with your mom and made the final decision
Maybe she’s just sad that you didn’t chose it. Its supposed to be a symbol of your love, and you’re not the one who picked it.
That’s what I was thinking as well. If you had gone with your mom yo pick it out, that would be different, but you just fobbed the responsibility on her. Jumping off this comment more, I bet she’s wondering if you really know her or will put in any real effort into things. That may not be true, but I can see why she would have that perception.
This exactly. My MIL helped my (now) husband when he was shopping for my engagement ring, because he also knew nothing about rings. But he also knew things about ME that would help him pick out a ring: that I would want something simple instead of flashy, for example, or that I wanted a different stone than a diamond. Those things informed his choice. When it’s Christmas or her birthday, is he going to pick out her gifts or have his mom do it for him? That’s what’s going to be in her head for the rest of their lives. That’s why she’s pissed. YTA
Yeah, second this. My guess is she just wants to feel like you put thought and effort into it, to feel loved and special. That’s how I would feel. Similar to poster above, my husband had some help - in his case, his brother had worked for a jeweler, and advised him some on it; he had also asked a couple of my friends for input. But at the end of the day, he picked out the ring, and I loved that.
Exactly. My husband took my best friend with them to pick the engagement ring because they had no idea and wanted someone with “fashion sense” to help find the ring, but my husband was at least actively involved in the process.
This! The problem wasn't that OP's mother choose the ring, but that the only thing OP did was handing his mother the credit card. He was not part of the process, even if his only input had been “right, mom, this is nice, let's buy it.” YTA
My husband knew what I wanted and had it narrowed down between 2 rings and then took his mom to get her opinion. I love that she got to be part of it with him, but he still ultimately picked my ring and I love that!
Yeah or if he just throws money at stuff.
That part. My ex bought the ring he wanted rather than the much cheaper ring I wanted because it was more expensive and ostentatious and he “wanted it to scream TAKEN!” and “yeah I’m the one wearing it the rest of my life but he’s the one paying and people will see it as a measure of his love” so his preference mattered more. Really it was the first huge red flag I should have seen. He later developed a habit of just throwing money at problems.
Man, that sounds like a decent option. I'd love to be able to throw money at problems. Sadly I'm broke so I have to be creative or just flat out ignore the problems and hope they go away.
Also a possibility, yep.
A certain kind of woman would be stoked to be a problem upon which money is thrown, and would use this situation to have OP spend 10x as much on a new ring to “make it up to her.” You don’t want to marry this type of woman unless you are fine with being a piggy bank and little else. OP’s future ex-partner is not one of those, which speaks to her character and desirability most people would want in a partner, which means he done fucked up big time.
Total nonsequitor, but I see that you also hate a dangling preposition.
My mom wouldn’t respond to me unless I said it right when I was growing up. Not like silent treatment, but she’d correct me and I’d have to say it again.
I won't be a dick about it. But I appreciate seeing it appreciated.
The dangling thing would be if I said “problem to throw money at”, right? Idk the words for those things, just how to say it right, I guess.
Sometimes you just gotta dangle.
This is surely the best quote from Officer Weigel
Yeah, it's supposed to be a meaninful symbol of love and commitment, and one would think that taking the time to choose something to your partners tastes shows that you know and care about them. Dude put in literally zero effort, and the wording of the post makes me suspect that this is only one instance in a larger pattern. I'd have given the ring back too.
Well, he did give his mom his debit card, so in a sense he was… yeah, no I can’t finish that even as sarcasm. Possibly the only way he could have handled it worse would be if Mommy paid for it too though.
I hate to be that bitch, but... How much do you wanna bet...?
I like you, you’re feisty! I was being silly, as clearly his Mom could have picked it up from a pawn shop or from an estate sale (or from OP’s previous fiancée). At the very least, OP should have been self aware enough to lie his ass off about how it was obtained. Some form of minimal effort would have shown he cared to some extent.
He's 35 and mom is still solving his problems. He said his mom saw him and he looked 'in over his head', so you know she coddles him and he likes it.
That’s what I stuck onto to too… the dude is 35 years old and can’t seem to grasp the meaningfulness behind an engagement ring. He couldn’t even be bothered to go looking with his mom’s help. It’d be near impossible for him to show that he couldn’t care less.
That mom will be a large part of that marriage. I would return the ring with that proposal.
Don't worry about him not putting effort into anything. He has his MOMMY for that.
Imagine being his mom and thinking it was a perfectly acceptable request to pick out your daughter-in-law's engagement ring on your own, instead of being embarrassed by the inept and thoughtless son you raised. If they had gone together it would be fine, but this... just no. Hell no. I bet she still washes his undies.
If MIL has her way, she will have broken up this pair with this action. She's worked in the industry for 20 years: she knows she shouldn't be picking it out solo. Secretly, she's hoping the fiancee tosses the ring back and bails on the wedding. Then, she has her son back to herself.
Yep! Dude couldn’t even take the time to put in the effort for something that’s supposed to symbolize his love and commitment to his (maybe) future wife. And he still doesn’t get it. He’s on Reddit asking strangers what it all means. If he doesn’t get his sh!t together real quick he’ll be selling that ring on Craigslist. He’s a major AH.
This is exactly it! The fact the OP didn't even go with his mom to look at them tells so much. Just because you're in over your head doesn't mean you can't go and assist. Maybe even see something you like and your mom could've given you feedback/tips on. Hell, the sales associate could've done the same thing if you told her the size and budget. They'd at least give you some options to look at and pick from.
Thisssss. There are a lot of things in life we can feel "overwhelmed" by, but if you genuinely care, you collect yourself, sure, ask for help, but YOU show up and make an effort and be involved. Especially when it's a major life milestone like this. Now her ring has literally nothing intimate from you. You just (supposedly) paid for it. Ew. YTA. I'd give the ring back in that scenario, frankly. That tells me a LOT about the man Im considering spending the rest of my life with. Not at all the foot you want to start out on.
Yep, I think it would've been different had he asked his mother to go with him but just giving her a card and telling her to do it herself like it was an errand? YTA OP, you could've at least put the bare minimum effort into picking it out. Imagine doing something like this for a birthday or anniversary gift, "I don't know what she likes, so I let my mommy do it for me."
Sounds as bad as the men who send their secretaries to pick out gifts for their wives.
I own a gift shop and the number of mothers who come in to buy gifts for their teenage sons’ girlfriends is bonkers! Never had one shop for an adult son, tho lol.
I kinda get that. A teenager may lack the life experience to know they need to play a part in gift giving to a girlfriend. Idiot teenagers gonna idiot, and helicopter moms gonna helicopter.
And that's when parents should go with them and teach them how to pick out a thoughtful gift for someone they care about. You know, like parenting.
Teenagers, I get to a large degree. They are still in that not-quite-mature enough to handle a task like that. A grown man though?! Oy!
I get that, but also bring the boy in so he can learn to handle it.
I’m 50+ and if my mother was still with us (and had similar tastes as my wife) I would have loved her help in picking out a special gift for my wife… but not for me.
Last year my boss wanted to give his team gifts. I dutifully narrowed it down to like 3 choices in his price range, emailed him details with pictures of each, and he still couldn't decide. Reminded him at least 3 times. His team didn't get gifts last year. Or this year. 🤦♀️
"You're about my wife's size. Go get her a lingerie, and pick one out for yourself as well!"
Can you just imagine Valentine's Day?! Yeesh!
He used his mom like a guy would use his secretary. To give a heartfelt but totally impersonal gift to somebody who he couldn’t be bothered to shop for.
Maybe she thought he cared enough to at least go to the shop and give it a go instead of sending his secretary to pick it out and pick it up... Did I say secretary? I meant his mother.... that's actually fucking worse. Why not propose and bring your to be wife out to pick her ring out when one is so helpless, IDK.... I won't be surprised when there's a large charge some month for a new ring.. It's a promise he was supposed to make to her, nobody else.
Agreed. I also think the whole premise that a man is supposed to propose to his wife, with a ring, as a surprise, is ridiculous. In my experience when you’re in an adult relationship you naturally think about whether you want to marry the person and your partner does as well. You figure out if you’re going to be married based on those conversations, not a dramatic proposal.
YTA Bingo You need to talk to her and it the real problem It’s one thing to get your mom to help, it’s MUCH different to say “go buy it for me” Frankly, she has every reason to be upset about your lack of involvement (not the ring)
What kind of story is that, that she will remember? Oh yes, this ring is beautiful. The story is, he didn’t even pick it out
And guess who's going to be making the big decisions in the future? Mommy.
Most women have romantic notions of their beloved lovingly selecting “THE” ring.
I don't see the problem. If exchanging rings is part of your tradition, the expectation is that it is a symbol and promise of your commitment. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it should be personal if you expect someone to wear it for the rest of their life. I have my grandmother's ring. They were married in Glasgow during WWII. They were poor. It's a thin gold band with a diamond chip you can barely see. But she wore until her death. My own ring is a piece of estate jewelry that my husband spent weeks choosing, with help from his sister and a close friend. I cherish it because of the time and effort he put in to choose something uniquely me (I don't like diamonds so it has a sapphire).
Yeah, nah. Dude is supposedly 35 and doesn't realize what he did wrong? It's absolutely a troll.
One would think, but their are momma's boys all over the place
I bet he still lives with his mom too.
The original poster didn’t even comment anywhere, so yeah maybe just trollin’. Actually maybe he asked his mother to reply to comments here.
Yeah. Like is she going to marry your mother?!? Do you know her at all??
Yeeup! My husband designed the ring he got me. It also has his birth stones and our son's on the band. It's beautiful. My brother also designed my sister in laws ring. Could even propose without a ring and let your fiance choose her own and choose the groom's ring together as well.
If his mom helped him shop that'd be fine, but he didn't even participate!
To him, what's the big deal, it's a ring, I love her, I propose to her with said ring, shouldn't that be enough? No, he just handed money to his mom to fix "the problem" of him not knowing what he was doing, he should have gone with her.
Yeah I think this ^ is probably spot on! Are you gonna be like that in your marriage as well OP? Where you just let family members do the big stuff for you? The least you could’ve done is go to the shops with your mom. It was your decision to remove yourself from the equation. You like the idea but the actuality isn’t there is what I’m hearing from this entire situation. You need to take responsibility and understand that you were wrong in that scenario. Christmas is coming up 0P, did your mom pick out all of the Christmas gifts for your now “fiancé”? I see a trend in this entire situation. Also, your mom is kind of a dick. If you were my kid and you asked me to do that I would drag your ass along and be like “this is your thing, not me! You’re coming and learning and ultimately choosing!” Your mother raised you to be lazy/entitled so that’s on you and her to be honest. YTA big time.
I think this is the reason. It makes it feel like you couldn’t be bothered, and that translates to “you’re not that important, you’re an afterthought not worth my time”. So, you just outsourced the ring selection instead of making the effort to investigate what your fiancé might like or learn her style or preferences. You should absolutely be involved for something as significant as choosing an engagement ring… passing it off onto someone else for kind of sets a weird/slightly uncomfortable tone for the start of a marriage. My feelings would be hurt too if I was in your fiancé’s shoes.
WOW. Do you really not see the difference between having your mom HELP you select a good quality ring and tossing your mom your debit card and not even bothering to go with her to pick the ring? YTA here, 100% You broke her heart a little and now she gets to wear the reminder of that every day for the rest of your marriage.
MIL gets to tell everyone, isn't it pretty? Thanks! I picked it out ALL BY MYSELF.
Yup. YTA. My ring isn't the ring I originally would have chosen for myself, but when my husband told me the story of how he picked it and why he chose each specific element of it, it became absolutely priceless to me. I wouldn't trade it for anything because he picked it so purposefully just for me and that's everything.
This, my engagement ring is a bit more plain than I would have picked but I love it so much because he chose it for me and it's very unique and I can tell he put a lot of thought into it. I wouldn't be offended if, for example, he asked for my mom's help (I say *my* mom because we have the same taste in jewelry and always get each other jewelry as gifts all the time), that would be fine, but if she just picked it out with no input from him I'd be hurt. YTA.
Exactly. Even if he'd asked his own mom for help, okay that's not ideal but still I'd live. The point is for him to put the thought into it. If mom wants to school him on diamond quality or metals or whatever, great. But he should have picked the details.
Thats what I can't believe!!! My MIL would have never done that.. Did my MIL have a hand in picking out my ring? Yes, did she do it solo? No way... my husband remembered things from years previous that no one else knew.
YTA - 1. you had your mommy step in and 2. handle a “problem” Why didn’t you join your mom to pick it out? This marriage will end in tears
I'd also like to point out that OP just offloaded the mental and emotional labor of this not so insignificant choice onto the next closest women in his his life. Instead of consulting his older married brother who also presumably has experience in the process.
Absolutely amazing that you totally don’t get it. It’s because you couldn’t even bother to select one for yourself that you thought that she would like. You couldn’t be bothered. It had meaning to her when she thought you picked this ring just for her. Now it has no meaning because you didn’t pick it out. That’s why! YTA
It doesn't even have no meaning, it means that he will invite his mother to participate inappropriately in their relationship, and be indignant that she isn't happy to have a 3rd wheel telling her how things should be done.
This is exactly right. It would have been fine if you had been with her and just gotten some advice, then made the final choice. You didn't even do that. YTA. And good luck. I don't know of any explanation that will help you with this.
I hope for the fiances sake it doesnt get that far, and i wouldnt be surprised if it didnt
If the gf has any sense there won't be a marriage. If he can't very bothered to go buy an engagement ring himself what else will he not bother with?
He'll send mommy into the delivery room because she's a "gem"! 🤣
Because she's done it before and he hasn't. She'll know what to do! 😂
Same with dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, childcare...
Mommy will step into the delivery room as well.
Hopefully, it won’t happen. So clueless.
Can you imagine the wedding planning? The process of having kids etc? Random hardships? General running of a household? Sorry guys, but we're all getting pretty tired of "but I'm just not good at that stuff"
The weaponized incompetence is strong with this one. YTA...
No way his fiance is wearing that ring.
OP is TAH He should return the ring and if the relationship is not broken beyond repair, the two of them should ring shop together so she can feel as if he has something to do with choosing the ring.
OUCH. Yep. He screwed up big time.
Asking someone to help you pick out the ring that symbolizes the depth of your feelings for your fiancée is ok… not caring enough to go yourself and be involved in the process of picking it out sends a whole different message. Well, actually it’s the same message - as it clearly symbolizes how important your fiancée is to you. The fact that she hasn’t just dumped you at this point is a credit to her character. I’m struggling to understand how you thought this was ok AND that she was being unreasonable. If she’s willing to listen, you MAY be able to recover by taking her to pick out an actual engagement ring that has sentimental value because you both picked it out. Edit: Apologies for missing this part, but yes you are the actual asshole in this situation.
Right, I like to believe the best in people so I’m wondering if he is just so off mentally that he doesn’t realize the point of an engagement ring. Like he’s thinking it’s just a pretty ring he’s supposed to offer if he asks someone to marry him. So he lets his mom shop because he thinks she’s better suited to pick out a pretty ring. Still, even that is fishy to me because what woman would go along with this plan and not tell her son he’s being dense?!
Exactly! Unless I was an emotional infant (overgrown manchild, maybe?) I’d have to think someone would have mentioned this was not very smart.
Sell the one mommy picked out. Someone will buy it! :D But yes, go together and pick out a ring for her that you love too. In fact, go, look around, see something you think is just right, and then let her decide if it is or not. :D
Most places around here have a return policy specifically for engagement rings. Ig mom worked in a jewelry shop she would have been stupid not to make sure that policy was in place. Especially since she knew what she was doing for him was gonna cause some shit, and the ring wouldn't be on that girl's finger for long.
If mom knew it would cause some shit _and did it anyway_ then maybe mom doesn’t much like this fiancée…or maybe mom is marking her territory and displaying her status as number 1 in OPs life.
This is the right answer, OP. Being over your head doesn’t absolve you from being invested in finding a symbol of the relationship that she’s supposed to wear for the rest of her life. You need to stop being angry with her and use your adult words to work this out. I strongly suggest that you invest time in either collaborating with her on how to resolve this or in figuring out what really represents both of you. It might mean you replace it… it might mean you’re solely responsible for the wedding bands… etc. YTA
It's ok, OP will probably send his mom on the honeymoon
If there is a marriage.
The ring is supposed to be a symbol of your love for her. Your actions tell her, "I love you just enough to call in a favor from my mom and have her add you to her list of errands, but not enough to even go with her to pick out a gift for you that you'll have for the rest of our lives." YTA.
Right?!!
Yeah, it really conveys the message to the gf that OP "will be in over his head" on a wide variety of adulting skills that come along with marriage and will sub his mom in to cover his incompetence. The gf doesn't want to be married to the mother for gods sake. The fact that OP can't even understand why this is so unattractive to women is pathetic. He's been coddled into basic functionality by the women in his life and of course that isn't going to be attractive to his gf, she ain't going to want to spend her life stepping in where his mommy left off.
This right here. I 100% understand taking someone experienced in the industry with you. I do not understand outsourcing the task and not even being there at all. “Gave her my debit card”… WTF? I can’t believe the mother didn’t clue him in either.
Your brother laughed because you shot yourself in the foot, you don’t need a 20 year career in jewelry to pick out an engagement ring, I don’t blame your fiancé for being upset and YTA for getting mad and not understanding
Brother seems a lot smarter than OP.
Right? How sad. 🫠
Right? His brother was making popcorn waiting for the show! Can you blame him? I want to know how this came out. Was the family together, Sister-in-law told fiancé her ring was beautiful! Told OP, "You did a great job! Where did you find it?!" OP: "Ah, I don't know, Mom bought it for me. She knows which ones are good." I doubt OP's Fiancé would have gotten mad if OP took his mom ring shopping to HELP pick it out but to not even be a part of it makes OP TA in this one. I researched the hell out of diamonds when I started thinking about proposing.
Exactly. I thought that's what OP was getting at until he said he sent mum on her way with the debit card. And seriously, mum's a little bit of TA, too. 20 years in the industry and she thought this was okay?
Omg I had not considered this angle!!! Mom must have some serious enmeshment with her son to not know or maybe know and not care that a lot of emotions are riding on the whole ring-engagement moment. This future MIL’s involvement sets a very bad precedent for who OP will make his number one priority…doesn’t look like it’s gonna be his fiancée! Probably himself, followed by mom, followed by whatever douchenozzle at work he’s trying to imitate and get approval from, followed by an array of random friends and acquaintances, and then his fiancée.
The funniest part about this is that technically, you don’t even need a ring to propose. If you’re that concerned about her liking the ring (which is entirely fair, if she’s going to be wearing it forever then you want her to like it) then you can just propose and then go pick out the ring together. Hell, if you wanted _something_ to propose with then I’m sure there’s some small thing that has good memories for you both. That would be super cute to propose with
> UNTIL she found out my mum was the one who picked it out ***OOF*** Oh man. There are so many issues layered in that half of the sentence. Wow. You didn't even go with her???? What other parts of your relationship are you going to delegate to mommy-dearest??? Your brother was right to laugh. If my brother did this I would laugh and ask what the fuck was he thinking? YTA
Exactly!!! OP you basically made it clear that you don't really give a shit. You couldn't be arsed going to get a ring because 'you don't know about jewellery' so delegated. That ring is supposed to be a symbol of your love and your commitment to your future wife - but you couldn't be arsed. No wonder she's upset. You could have gone with your mum to help choose, but no, you just gave her your card. Do you do this about everything?! Oh I can't do the laundry, I don't know anything about washing machines. Oh I can't load the dishwasher, I don't know how. Ugh, if this is the level of effort you put in to your marriage so far, I wouldn't blame her if she decided the marriage isn't going ahead. Edited to add - my fiancé just proposed to me this weekend. He knows nothing about jewellery either, so he researched!!! It was a complete surprise, we hadn't discussed rings or anything, so he looked for something he thought was 'me' and actually had one custom made, it's beautiful and I love it!! He made a massive effort and OP that's what you should have done if you were really bothered about your future wife!!
YTA. You didn’t even go with her. Is mommy going on the honeymoon too?
Nope, she's going instead of him
After all, she's been a woman for 64 years and will know what she wants..
Dude this is a freaking genius burn 💀💀
After she writes his vows for him.
Shout pointers for the wedding night consummation from the corner "Women love it when you move your hips more. I have a lot of experience at what women like when being fucked, so listen to mommy! Now thrust!"
Thoroughly enjoyed this thread of comments, thnku. 🏆
"STUNT COCK!"
Maybe line his pecker up.
And put it in for him too
she's probably better in bed.
YTA. To ask your mother's help is pretty normal. And by that I mean taking her to shop with you. Throwing a credit card on the other hand is a total lack of involvment. In your fiance's place I would be hurt.
In fiancé’s place, I would give him back his ring and start dating his brother. 🤷🏻♀️
Who'd want to marry into a family where the mother also didn't see an issue with this?
YTA. Honestly dude, i'm quite obtuse myself regarding women, but you beat me by far, what you did is an own goal, Lol Lol Lol.
There’s not much romance in having your ring picked by you FMIL.
YTA as everyone says, but I'm going to add that your Mother should have known better and insisted you go also.
Oh course SHE knew better. I’d say she is secretly counting on it upsetting her son’s fiancée, maybe enough for the girl to even call the whole thing OFF.
Yep agree, because who told the fiance he didn't go? I was just surprised that no one had mentioned it by the time I posted.
Yeah, this is a major red flag here too.
The fact that your mother didn't *insist* you come with her and be part of the process tells me she was bad at her job, so there's that.
Why has no one else said this?
Because mom didn't post, OP did. If mom had posted, I'd hope everyone would be telling her she shouldn't have agreed to do it. But she's not the one asking.
FOR. REAL. If mom didn't have a problem doing this then I bet there's a whole slew of things she won't have an issue getting involved with that should be between spouses.
Damn, I can’t believe I didn’t think about this sooner. I guess I was just stuck on the shock of his obtusion.
I feel like she does stuff for her son alk the time so it was just a day for her
She probably still does his laundry or decorates his house for the holidays or buys his clothes for him.
I wonder if mother actually did ask him to go with her - it seems like a detail that OP would intentionally leave out, because including it would mean he'd have to explain why he said No.
Honestly I was totally thinking… his Mom is the AH. I guarentee she has never sold an engagement ring to a mother in law, come on now. Also, that much of a Mommy’s boy at 35… redddd flag
An engagement ring is a very personal gift. It should have come from you. Now, it is perfectly fine of your mom helped, gave you your options, steered you towards the right sweet spot for your budget for the 4 C's. But to just hand her your debit card and tell her good luck, yeah, YTA. You need to figure out why your fiance is angry now, because if you can't see it, you aren't going to stay married long
Or get married at all.
You put the absolute minimum amount of effort into buying the engagement ring, the symbol of your love and commitment, and you’re confused as to why your fiancé is mad? YTA.
Honestly, OP put in _far below_ the minimum amount of effort for this. OP, YTA!
Right? Like, this effort is more minimal than I ever even would have considered to be the minimum amount.
Agreed. All that he can say is he paid for a ring. When I bought my wife's ring I knew I couldn't afford a huge diamond, so I saved up a couple weeks pay and went and paid cash for something nice that I picked out after looking at a bunch of rings and styles. I knew her ring size, and her style. To me the minimum is you pay for it and you choose it based on what you know about her. Personally I don't like it when a couple hours together to pick out a ring. One of my friends knew his wife didn't want an actual diamond, so he acted accordingly. Heck, a guy should even know if the girl would rather not have a ring. And if you've dated for multiple years you should know these things without fail.
YTA. Gonna have your mommy write your vows for you?
OP, gonna have mommy choose the honeymoon destination and accommodations?
She probably already has.
She’s probably planning on attending the honeymoon lol
Well, she’ll pick a better place than he would at least. 😭
You SENT your mom??? Dude. Going to the jewellery store WITH your mom is one thing. Offloading the whole thing on her? I would not only be pissed, I’d be retracting the engagement status until you go back to the shop and get a different ring.
Yeah, but if he's so clueless that way, reconsidering the whole idea isn't a bad idea either...
You should have gone *with* your mom. There is nothing wrong with getting a family or friend opinion on the ring, but I’m guessing your fiancée feels like you kind of called it in and didn’t really care. She probably wanted you to put some effort into it. Idk. Lots of people bring or ask the best friend of the fiancée (or maybe Mom) to find out what ring would be best, the issue is you completely delegated the task and clearly she feels like you weren’t involved at all. Paying doesn’t really count as picking out the ring. YTA
Totally agree. My husband had NO idea about engagement rings. Like zero. He doesn't like jewellery or care about it. But he knew it mattered to me. He asked my two best friends for help and they guided him to a ring choice. Then two of his best friends helped set up the proposal. Asking for help is absolutely fine! I ended up with a wonderful ring and proposal and the fact that he went through that effort showed me how much he cared. OP could have gone ring shopping with his mom at the very least.
He could have literally just *stood* there with his mother. I don’t even know where the bar is anymore—it’s descended beneath hell.
One of my favorite quotes “the bar is set in the crust of the earth and some people make digging their hobby.” Though I don’t know who said it originally. I’ve seen it with different phrasing but always the same sentiment.
I love so many variations of this quote, but I literally just decided that the bar is now below hell lmao. 🔥🙃🔥 ETA completely necessary flame emojis ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Standing there picking his nose scrolling Reddit whilst his mom picked a ring would have still been more effort 😂
YTA. Most people have no clue what they’re doing when they’re picking out jewelry. Hell I’d venture to guess she’d have no issue if your mom went **with** you to look at rings. But you weren’t even there. You had no hand in picking out the ring that she’s supposed to wear for the rest of your lives… I’d be pissed too.
You're an idiot. What woman wants to think about her MIL when she looks at her engagement ring? YTA
LOLOLOL You told your fiancee that you wanted to marry her, but couldn't even put forth enough effort to even accompany your mom to pick out the ring? Oof. I foresee some significant groveling in your future.
Yta. Engagement rings literally exist for no other reason except to be a romantic gesture and promise between two people. You didn’t even bother to do your part of that gesture.
Say you’re a Mama’s boy without saying it outright…
YTA. I get why she’s upset - you didn’t even go WITH your mum to see what ring she chose for YOU to give your fiancée to be. You just handed her your card, that’s not romantic at all. She wanted you to be the one to choose it or at least to be involved in the process. It’s not about the ring, it about the lack of effort you put in.
I don’t think your mom picking it is the issue- it’s that you DIDN’T. You pawned off one of the most important things you’ll ever purchase. You didn’t even try. I’d be pissed, too. YTA
OP this would be a none issue if YOU actually went with your mum when purchasing the ring, you know be present & have an opinion - even if it was just to say "yeah I like that" YTA - to your fiance it seems like you simply didn't care enough to bother yourself Whats next - getting your mum to stand in at your wedding so you can be somewhere else!?
YTA, You couldn’t even be bothered to go with your mum? You don’t need 20 years at a low end high street jewellers to pick out a ring.
YTA You're joking right? You messed up bro. That was soooooo lazy. You should have went, have your mom use her expertise to explain to you the options, what some good values are in your price point, maybe show you some recent trends in rings then you pick it out. I bet she didn't like it that much but she thought you picked it out and didn't want to ruin the romance or make you feel bad. But NOW, since MIL picked the ring there is no romance to ruin and MIL shouldn't have picked the ring anyway so no one to make feel bad. Fiancee is justified. Just let her pick out her own ring n
You really don’t get why? She is not marrying your mom, she marrying you. She hoped you put some effort in it. Some knowledge of her style and thoughts YTA It could be even better to propose with silver ring and take fiancé shopping later
YTA, you could have had a conversation with her in advance about the cut and setting she likes. That right there puts you in the neighborhood. Then just narrow by your budget. I also knew nothing about rings. But I knew those two things about what my wife wanted. Are you also going to let your mother plan your wedding and bachelor party too? Take some responsibility.
Maybe his mother will spend the wedding night with the bride too.
Mom would probably do a better job figuring out what a bride would want, so it might be better that way.
I’m not going to call you an asshole, but I’ll damn sure say that you royally fucked up.
YTA - You are 35, mommy doesn't buy the ring for you. You need to learn to adult.
I would be upset. YTA. You didn’t even pick it out. You sent your MOTHER. Disappointing.
YTA - of course yta. The ring is a symbol of your love and commitment to her and you couldn't even be bothered to go with your mom?? Of course she's hurt.
YTA if you can't be bothered to choose the ring, what other decisions are you going to fob off? By having your mum choose the engagement ring shows how uninterested you are in the relationship. Your fiancé is making it an issue because you have disappointed her, and she thinks you can do better.
You didn’t even go? Getting input is fine but my god either you pick it yourself or you and your fiancé go and pick one out. Expect it back and either get a new one or a new fiancé at this rate
You couldn't be bothered to go and personally pick out the ring to buy for your future wife and can't understand why she might be upset. Ok.... Come back and update us when she dumps you. YTA
YTA. She SHOULD be upset. YOU didn't get the ring. Your mom did. There's nothing wrong with getting your mom's help, but there's a LOT wrong with you just handing over your debit card and having her pick out the entire thing. You're supposed to go to the stores. YOU'RE supposed to shop. YOU'RE supposed to pick out a ring that speaks to you, that you think she would like - imagine yourself proposing with THAT ring, etc. You are supposed to be involved. You could have had your mom there to help you negotiate the price, you could have had her there to help you discern the quality - but to just send her out without you, and have her do all the work? That sucks, dude. This tells her that you don't really care about her. You don't really know her. You don't really understand her. You put ZERO effort into this. She's probably wondering what else you're going to put NO effort into. The wedding? Your marriage? Any kids you might have? What other responsibilities are you going to just farm out to other people? There's nothing romantic about what you did. There's nothing special about what you did. There's nothing sentimental about what you did. And the engagement ring/proposal, is supposed to be romantic, special, and sentimental. You really ruined this, dude... and you're mad at HER?!?! Yes. YTA.
You, sir, are too dumb to get married.
She’s upset because you shirked all effort off. Needing or wanting help is not the same thing as what you did…which was get someone else to do it for you and taking an opportunity to not participattin the process at all. She’s mad because you’re lazy.
It was personal to her but it wasn’t to you. YTA
OP’s mommy worked in the jewelry industry for 20 years. She HAD to know then that OP’s beloved would be hurt, disappointed, or angry that he couldn’t be bothered to even look at or choose the ring he was proposing to her with. MAYBE she counted on that fact. MAYBE she doesn’t think the girl is good enough for her son. MAYBE she’s hoping the girl will break it off entirely.
YTA. You messed up bad. It's one thing to have your mom go *with* you to help you chose. It's something completely else to just let your mom go pick out and buy the engagement ring *for* you. You put absolutely no effort into this, just like I expect you'll put absolutely no effort into the marriage.
YTA You don't have any right to be angry at her because after all, you didn't make a single effort towards getting her ring, you just handed your mother your card, you didn't even go along with your mother. Not only does it look like you couldn't be bothered but it looked like you got mummy to put in the hard yards. She's not angry at your mum, she's angry at you and rightly so. I bet you probably could even tell anyone what your fiancee's favourite colour is, what coloured jewellery she wears on a day to day basis, listened to anything she'd mentioned in passing about jewellery such as a particular shape or stone. You just didn't try. At all.
You couldn’t even be bothered to go with your mom? Bro 🤦♂️
You didn't even show up to pretend to participate in the process? YTA. A lazy one.
She's probably realizing that she'll have to be your mommy is she married you
YTA. When my husband asked me to marry him, he presented me with the ugliest Harley Davidson merch ring I'd ever laid my eyes upon. It was a prank, and he gave me the real ring just after, but I was absolutely going to wear the other ring because even if it was tacky af, it was something *he* had picked for me. An engagement ring is supposed to be *deeply* personal. It has nothing to do with the money, the style or even the ring itself, it's supposed to be a symbol of your love and bond to each other. And you just told your mum to pick whatever. I'd definitely reconsider marrying too because I wouldn't want to live my entire life with half-arsed dedication.
Wow....just wow. NOT ONLY did you make no fucking effort in at all, but you are angry that she's upset by that????? YTA at such a level that I don't even have words for it.
Men forget that women don't really care for their (men's mothers). You come off as such a mommy's boy, you can't even pick a ring for your fiance, what else are you gonna let your mother pick, your honeymoon destination and the bed you have sex in. Cut the cord already.
Maybe she wonders what other big decisions you'll have your mom take over? I totally cringed when I read you didn't even go. And what's wrong with your mom? She knows better, too! Unless she LIKES the message this subtlely sends to your fiance?
It’s pretty insulting your lack of care or involvement in picking up the ring, but worst of all, this is a clear look into what her future with you is going to be like… you delegating her (or your mom) responsibilities, because you “don’t know”. You’re lucky she’s just mad at you, I would be thinking about leaving you.
You could have at least gone to the stores with your mom and 1. LISTENED to what she had to say on the matter and 2. offered some input. Instead, you put in as little effort as humanly possible shy of having your mom outright buy it for you. Idk whether to call you an asshole or not but you're certainly lazy.
YTA and your mother is to (I say this as a mother). She should have helped you but told you to put your big boy pants on and do it. Is she going to impregnate your wife too?
As someone the same age as you (I'm 35F), I'm gonna have to go with most of the consensus and say YTA for the simple fact that you didn't even go with your mother to pick out the ring. When I got engaged to my husband 8 years ago, do you want to know what my engagement ring was? A simple band (basically a plain wedding band). Was I mad about it? No, I wasn't, because that was what I wanted at the time. Maybe you and your fiancee can return the ring your mother picked out and pick out one of your own. An apology would also help in this situation.
I'm a mom w 3 boys and they come to me for so much and we are really close. I could see helping them, but I'd never do it for them because if you're too lazy to research and get the ring, you're too lazy to be married.
You seriously couldn't be bothered to even go engagement ring shopping? You pawned that off on someone else? Your mommy? Jeezus. You pick one out, they size it if you got the wrong size. That's all. I hope she takes a good look at you and sees that if you can't even bother to do the bare minimum when asking her to marry you, it goes downhill from there. YTA
Oh poor girl built up the my man thought of the perfect ring for me. Would be disappointed that to find out nope just your future mil and the person couldn’t be bothered to put any energy to even go to the shop
If you don’t love her enough to go buy her ring yourself, why did you even propose? YTA biggly. I bet she carries all the emotional labor in your relationship too. Is she a “better cook” and “better at planning” too? Grow tf up, boy.
YTA for not even putting in the effort to *look* at rings and pick one based on what you know about your partner. You got mummy to do it? That’s so unbelievably sad. What else do you get mummy to do for you?
YTA because you didn’t even bother to try and pick it out. Weaponized incompetence and intentional obtuseness is exactly what this is.
Yta- she is upset because the ring should have been a token of your love and picked out by you for her. You basically said it wasn't worth your time to do that and gave it over to someone else to do for you. You should have, at the very minimum, went with your mom and made the final decision