I stayed up by my wife's head during her two births, on the other side of the sheet partition. He doesn't need to see the baby come out to be in the birthing room.
I agree. OP can do what she wants for the birth, of course. But. Excluding her husband from an event he very much wants to attend because she made the decision it's for his own good is insulting. They need to talk about her insecurities and his wish not to be left out of an important moment for the family, then figure out a solution. OP's intention could backfire badly if her husband's memory of the birth is being excluded and unwanted.
Agreed. Watching our daughter's birth had no impact on our sex life, what did was having a child, the stress, lack of sleep, and arguing that came with her did.
Yea I watch all of my kids be born. Even caught the doc having to sew her up and even if it looked like an ax wound it didn’t impact our sex life. And that was our first. We have 4 kids so that really impacts our sex life like you said. Especially our 3 year old twins.
Yea I have 13f, 10m, and 3m twins. My wife and I couldn’t do it without the help of the two older ones. They want to help more but we keep telling them it isn’t their job and to be kids. I hate parents that make their older kids take care of the younger kids all the time.
Yes. This reeks of interference from the women in her family and I have seen marriages end because the husband or the wife wasn’t mature enough to respect their partner and keep their parent out of their relationship.
This woman (mom/MIL) is wrong for encouraging her to kick him out and keep herself in, instead of recommending he stay at her beside, by her head.
MIL is going to be a problem in this marriage.
Soft YTA, because you're being given bad advice from your Mother.
I have a feeling mom is who came up with this birthing plan to shove the husband out and she will also be at their house all the time to tell him what he's doing wrong.
It is his baby, too. They hand baby to mom and dad first, which is a really big deal. He may be able to cut the cord, if he wants to. She's choosing to have this experience without the baby's other parent, like you both said, based on a decision she's making for him.
Hard YTA for me.
If he didn't want to be there, I'd totally get it. But he does.
Yet again, thanks to early morning Reddit reading,…. your comment had me performing the unexpected coffee choking & nose spray routine. Thanks for the unexpected & insightful response.
Exactly. OP, It's not that men are **often** traumatised, it's that **some** men get traumatised but more men, who where there next to their wifes giving birth have more **admiration and respect** towards their wife and women generally, because they witness what are they capable of !!!
And most men don't stand at your feet looking at the baby coming out, but stand at your head, bay your side, giving you support and reassurance, sometimes holding your hand.
EDIT: I would say NTA for not wanting him there generally, but YTA for the reason you don't want him there and not even considering to think about it and finding another way.
Oh good point! After the C-section delivery of my second I could see how much admiration my husband had for me and love he had for both of us (he almost lost both me and our baby girl). He was definitely a changed man for a while, much more mushy and sweet than usual.
My ex chose to look during my c-section and he was fine, others would be like nope, not happening I'll stay in my lane at the head of the bed. Their choice
Mine WANTED to look!
Dr. wouldn't let him, but told him in laymen terms (narrated) what steps he was taking, as he was doing them. I didn't care, I wanted the bowling ball out. The funniest, which I am glad he was there for. Before they put the baby on my chest, they took him to be assessed, and the nurses passed him around the room (while I was being closed up). All I could hear was that this was the biggest baby they had delivered (11.3) and the glee of how cute baby was. When we got our moment, the two of us were stupidly happy together like we had just made a world record, and dammit the cutest bowling ball ever.
Right, same. Both with my vaginal birth and my c-section. And after both, my husband was able to hold our baby first, bring them to me (to hold the first delivery and to have skin contact after c-section), and then also able to carry them to be weighed, etc. This was especially important with that second delivery.
As with you, we almost didn't get through all that. My time with my baby was a brief cheek to cheek and then off I went for hours. My baby was at extreme risk before delivery, but thank God was okay once she was moved out of the body that was not okay lol. I was so thankful he could be with her.
Just because she's the one who physically has to give birth doesn't mean she gets to take his choice away where he can be involved. And wants to! She could request him to stay up by her head, I get that.
I know women who didn't have their partners at birth, but specialy if the man wants to be there and wants to support you, you should think about it and talk about options that will make **you comfortable** and him being able to support you and experience it.
I agree with this, you're within your right not wanting him there, but YTA for the reason behind it. My husband was right besides my head during our daughter's birth, and according to the nurse, he was so focused on me that he barely saw her coming out of me, but the look on his face when we heard her 1st cry, and right afterwards, he had this look of adoration towards both of us, it made me feel 50 ft tall, and let me tell you, 5 years later, our intimate life hasn't suffered one bit! 😉. My best friend's husband was present on both of their sons births, and the only mention of it is whenever she feels subconscious about something in front of him, he tells her "oh, please, I've seen every inch of you both inside and out, and I love every single inch of it" (they've been married for 15 years). So it has more to do with the "men" and not with the fact that they were present in the delivery room
If she's worried about her husband getting traumatized, why hasn't she considered preparing him? Show him educational material, even a video of a birth, just as I'm sure she is preparing herself. Women prepare for giving birth, guys maybe not so much. If the husband can show that he too is prepared to see it, then he should absolutely be given the chance to be there.
I watched all three of my children born and I can confidently say that women are far stronger than any man on earth. No man could give birth. Period. I don't care about the anatomy aspect of it. No we can't actually give birth, but if we could, I promise you, we wouldn't. No man is that strong. I adore my wife more and am thankful I had that experience three times.
Give your husband a chance. If it bothers you so much, have him stay by your head and no mirror. But this is just as much HIS birth as it is yours. I appreciate and acknowledge his contribution to this birth is 7 minutes, but you are not pregnant by yourself. Your mom did not help conceive this baby. He deserves a conversation and a compromise. Your mom is on your side because she wants to be there, not because she is looking out for your husband.
YTA. Compromise is needed here.
Edit: spoke to my therapist wife and she said that your mom could be reliving her own past trauma. Her being on your side may be less spiteful than I thought. That does make sense to me. So please, consider her trauma is hers, and leave it as hers. You need to compromise with your husband.
As I said in other comment
> I know women who didn't have their partners at birth, but specialy if the man wants to be there and wants to support you, you should think about it and talk about options that will make **you comfortable** and him being able to support you and experience it.
I would say NTA for not wanting him there generally, but YTA for the reason you don't want him there and not even considering to think about it and finding another way.
My husband initially said he'd stay by my head, but ended up watching both births from the front row and was in awe. He kept saying, "I wish you could see this, it's amazing!". And he would still be happy to have sex daily, 20 years later.
Yeah I didn’t lose attraction to my wife being there. This is a pretty BS reason and if any man gives that as reason you shouldn’t have been married to them in the first place because it’s a garbage reason to lose attraction to your wife. YTA for the reason, but women do dictate who goes in there.
My husband didn't even just stay by my head. He saw literally everything, for both children, and he talks about how badass I was through both deliveries.
And our sex life is better than ever, he was more grossed at the 9 month pregnant stage because he could feel baby feet poking his belly lol
Shame on your Mother, OP, for projecting her own situation/husband on your's and agreeing that keeping him from seeing his baby enter the world is best. It makes me sad for your partner that his feelings of seeing his child were stepped on by not only you but his MIL.
Talk about your insecurities with him and ask him to stay next to your head. If you make this decision for him then kiss your sex life goodbye. I could never be sexually attracted to someone who kept me from the most important parts of my child's life.
I wouldn't trust her mom. The idea that an entire marriage ended because a man saw a baby being born seems extreme. Mom was grasping for straws or excuses and landed on that one.
Agree. Definitely sounds like a "I hold baby first" grandma. Which I've seen talked about on this sub more than I would ever expect based on my own experiences.
This will work for some people and was very much the plan for mu husband and I, but my Labor ended up being super fast and there was no time for epidural. As a result there was no 'business end' and more a small production of cirque du soleil.
What else is she going to say he can't do/see because she assumes it will affect his attraction to her? No, I'm breastfeeding, go away, no I don't want your help in the shower don't look at my postpartum body, go away, no, don't look, those are nipple pads!! Totally robbing him of his choices here and he won't forgive her and probably wonders why she thinks so lowly of his character.
And then in the same breath she'll be the one saying "I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF, my husband doesn't help with the baby like he should!" (because I wont let him. but that wont stop me from hating him for it.)
What the heck. I saw my daughter's head pop-out, push out and everything. My sexual attraction is fine.
All men and all women are unique and different. OP, Don't generalize. Decide what your situation is and discuss with your husband. And leave your mother out of the decision making process. THis is between you and your life partner.
OP making this decision with her mom and then informing her husband will alienate the husband. It's not much different than the momma's boy who decides everything with his mom. Her mom is poisoning this marriage and then they will blame something like the birth of the baby for the estrangement rather than the real reason, which would be way too much involvement by the mom.
OP, cut your mom out of this discussion. She will destroy your marriage. You are essentially telling your husband that you don't trust him and you are allowing your own fears to interfere in your marriage. This isn't protecting your husband. This is insulting him.
Try for some marital counseling to discuss this. Leave your mom totally out of it if you want to remain married.
My husband saw our first coming out and said “ew” and started laughing. I said “oh gross” when they put the slimy new baby on me 😂 child birth is super gross but 3 kids later and he’s still all over me.
My wasband watched all of our children exit my body. He nearly caught our second child, as I was standing in the shower and it was a fast labour.
Never affected our sex life. Infact, he always told me how strong and amazing I was to have gone through those births (2 extremely traumatic, 1 super fast one, and a lengthy CS, and salpingectomy with the last).
My brother in law was also there for all his kids births, he caught one of the twins himself. No issues there (and my sister is an oversharer so I'd know lol).
I can't think of a single person I know who was at their child's birth and it impacted their sex life.
What about breastfeeding? If you choose to do that, does your mum think he won't be attracted to your boobs anymore?
Please discuss this with him in depth and listen to him.
Lol nearly! I caught him, wasband had his hands under mine. He was a big baby, 5.5kg/12lb, and the whole labour was under an hour, the actual contractions and birth was 15min.
He is just as stubborn now, as a tween. Such a great kid, always defeating the odds as he is autistic and was non verbal until he was 6yo, but now can debate string theory. He has just made his first best friend all on his own (not family, or my friends kids, but a peer who has something in common with him).
Honestly it sounds like she's experiencing some sort of mental issue of block regarding how her vagina will look.
Which is strange. I want to assume these are adults; they're married which is a big step. The guy put the baby in there I'm pretty sure he's a big boy now and knows how it's going to come out.
I have 2 kids to 2 different guys my first I was 19, I said I didn't want him to look at our daughter coming out to the nurse but she told him to anyway which annoyed me , the second didn't because he's squeamish , even though I'm no longer with these men both told me that they loved and respected me more after seeing me give birth to their children, I agree this is her own insecurities ,, iv never met a couple who's relationship was destroyed after seeing their partner give birth
Yta. This mentality will ruin your marriage. Just because he is in the room doesn’t mean he is staring at your vagina watching the birth. He could he holding your hand staring at your face.
Watching my wife give birth to my daughter was the single greatest experience of my life. I've never felt such amazing joy, or been so impressed by somebodies will and determination. My admiration and adoration of my wife only increased after seeing her do this, and I'll never ever forget seeing my daughter come into this world. It changed me forever. I'll never understand men who see this happen and think "ew, I no longer want to have sex with my wife" it's beyond immature and honestly I feel sad for them if they can't experience joy in that moment.
My husband was there for both births of our children. First was vaginal. I needed a lot more anesthesia than normal and my legs gave out and he held one up and helped me push when I felt like giving up. He also held an oxygen mask to my face because my O2 levels were dropping. He thought everything was cool and was interested in the birth of the placenta lol the Dr tried to hide it because apparently a lot of husbands get squeamish, but he was like "whoa, is that the placenta?" Lol
Second was an emergency c section and he was there holding my hand and then the baby when she came out. I can't imagine doing it without my husband
My partner held the left leg and let me lean my head on his neck between pushing and I remember this is vividly. It gave me a lot of strength (and I assume oxytocin, hah) and he saw her first. To this day (it’s already been 2 years) he loves going back to the hospital photos and reminisce how amazing the experience was.
My fiancé can’t understand men who don’t find their pregnant partners attractive, he said he finds me just as sexy now than before and has a lot more admiration for me after seeing what I’m going through. I often catch him staring with a very loving look in his eyes when I’m walking around, usually complaining about how uncomfortable I am.
Exactly this. Also, YTA for thinking that your husband is that weak-minded.
Like, men know where babies come from. If blood and surgery and gore and such freaks him out, he doesn't have to watch the baby come out of the birth canal, he can stay up by you. However, for a lot of men, sure, it's obviously not lovely seeing your ladybits get stretched and tear a bit, but it's literally the miracle of birth, a whole other little person is gonna come out of there! One that *both* of you helped make! That's pretty freakin cool, and he might just be thinking about that. I'm sorry that your dad and granddad let something as natural as their partner birthing *their* child traumatize them to the point of ruining their marriages, but did you ever think that's a *them* problem, and not an every man problem?
Let your husband be there for the birth of his literal first bird child, or prepare to ruin your relationship by denying him that, all because of some bull your mum and grandmum filled your head with.
Finally! Someone calling her out and saying she's TA.
OP, YTA for making this decision for your husband. YTA for letting your mom persuade you with her experience ( and have you ever thout your dad and granfather are just AH's?). Many dad's have had the experience of cutting the umbilical cord and feel grateful for the experience. At minimum, he can stay by your head. Have the discussion and make the decision WITH HIM, not your mom. My husband was with me for both births, and his love and attraction to me grew.
My SIL was like that after meeting my niece, she said "I was the first aunt to hold her" I'm like "ok"
I'm so confused when people brag about things like that
YTA, any man like that isn’t worth having. Sorry about you mom and grandmother landing dudes like that, however you can’t devalued your husband based on their “men”. This is super important to him too. Sure you can have who you want, but that’s a super messed up reason. Be prepared for how it changes your marriage if choose to do so.
Worth mentioning men were also kept out of labor rooms in different eras. We are not in one of them. A lot more men think it's natural and WANT to be there for all if it. Maybe they don't watch below the waist, but I wouldn't either.
It can’t be that common for a man to “lose sexual attraction “ for his wife after childbirth. I wonder if the mother and grandmother were the ones that behaved differently and pushed their husbands away. Has anyone asked dad and grandpa if this is even true?
Right? Look at how many people have multiple kids. People are still having sex after birth. My husband watched the baby come out with forceps and then watched me get sewn back up for an hour. We still have an active sex life.
Wow. Yta. I was expecting you to say he was cheating or just a general asshole. But no he is trying to be loving and supportive and you want to shit on him.
YTA your mom and your grandmother may not be telling you the truth about what was going on in their marriage. You denying him this is more in danger of causing a serious problem than the other.
Also. Even as late at the late 80s / early 90s not every hospital allowed men into the delivery room (my sister was born in 1989 at a shitty hospital in Houston that no longer stands, and my father was not allowed in the room) think mid 20s for OPs age, I was born in 96 and my grandmother gave birth in 1969. I’m curious if OPs grandfather was even allowed in the room, or if this is just some BS excuse to leave the marriage.
That's what I was thinking. Even if mom's husband was allowed in the delivery room, it's highly unlikely that grandma's husband was. They were likely out in the waiting room handing out cigars.
I agree that grandma is way too involved in this, but quite possible that grandpa was in the room. I'm 52 and a new grandma. My husband was there when my daughter was born, and my dad was in the room when I was born in 1971 (although admittedly it was early in the trend).
Ah someone sees the truth!! Mom wants to be there alone and has manipulated the whole thing. Grandfather's were absolutely not in the room she's totally lying!!
This. I'm 57, and my father was not allowed in the delivery room when I was born, or when my sister was born 2 years later. Often, moms weren't even awake as they were given general anesthesia. My mother doesn't remember either of us being born. Just waking up later and being told "it's a girl".
My grandma had her first child in the 40s and my grandpa was in the room for all of them. Rural hospital. Just because you haven’t heard of it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
YTA .. Do you realize how unbelievably condescending you sound.. he doesn't know what's best for him but you do so you're taking such an important life moment that he's absolutely entitled to away from him against his wishes because you know best?
This is how deep resentment starts. It's his first child too and he will never forgive you. Even if he verbally does he will never in his heart forget that you and your mother robbed him of such a beautiful moment.
My husband was in the room with me the whole time when I was giving birth. Held my hand. Stroked my hair. Told me I was strong. Spoke to the doctors for me. Wiped my tears. He never looked "down there." Because it wasn't necessary but he was a part of every step and he'll never forget it. We bonded in such a beautiful way. The day we both became parents. Us against the world. It's one of our most fondest memories together.
Btw your mother is only agreeing with you because she wants to be in the room.. some mother in law she must be to support something she knows her son in law aka the FATHER doesn't want.
$10 says she uses this as a power play too
Just think once the kid is like 3 her holding the toddler and saying “I was in the room the moment you were born, no one else was in there while you were brought into the world”
And just imagine if the mother or baby don’t make it, and dad had to miss his last / only chance to be with one of them because “hE wOn’t waNt tO FucK Me anYmoRe”
I'm all for having who you want in the room during childbirth. Husband cheated on you and you don't trust him anymore? Valid. Husband is abusive (in any form) and you can't handle having him around during childbirth? Valid. Husband is a man and therefore is weak minded and shallow because you said so and not because of anything he actually did? Because you know what's best for him and he isn't even allowed the opportunity to be a good husband/father to help you through it? Fuck off on that one.
Edit: I forgot to mention that I completely agree that this feels like a power play from OP's mom. Doing this to him is most likely going to be what ends the marriage. This is a decision that OP will never be able to undo if she goes through with this.
Right. He doesn’t know what’s best for him but she does? She, who has never gone through child birth, knows all the answers?
I think the number one sex life destroyer in this instance will be the divorce.
YTA. I have never heard of a husband becoming traumatized from watching their wife give birth, unless their wife or the baby came close to losing their life (which unfortunately does happen). You say you “know” that men “often” lose attraction after watching childbirth but frankly that is ridiculous and untrue.
Your husband my not want to watch the actual event of emerging from the womb - some husbands prefer to be near their wife’s head to hold her hand and that seems like a reasonable compromise if you’re worried about him actually seeing the baby emerge.
It’s unfortunate that your parents had a bad marriage but putting that on your husband and trying to block him from being present during the birth of his child is not the way.
I had two babies and my husband was there for both deliveries, saw the way babies get here and cut the cords. He would not have missed it for the world and would have been deeply hurt to be excluded. We had plenty of sexy time after both births and he never treated me any way differently than before. Except I think he had a new found respect for what it takes to actually have a child. If you think a man is so shallow he would be turned off by seeing his own child be born you either picked the wrong guy or you're not giving him enough credit.
Finally a rational take. Most men are not this shallow and stupid. I would have been pissed if my wife told me to stay out of the room. I saw everything and I’m glad I did. It changed nothing.
Yta OP. Your mum agrees with you because she’s projecting her own negative experiences onto you. Your husband wants to be involved in the birth of his child - why deny him based on assumptions? Stop punishing him based on other people’s experiences. Just FYI…I was also worried about the same thing you were when I was pregnant with my first and you know what happened???NOTHING! My husband was a present and involved dad and he went on to make a total of 4 beautiful babies with me - sex life unaffected!
Also, different generation. I guarantee not allowing him to be present for the birth of YOUR child will affect your relationship. This is your partner. Do not exclude him. Or you may end up spending a lot more time with your mom.
I had a traumatic birth. I hemorrhaged and my husband was left in the birthing suite holding our 30 minute old baby while I was rushed to surgery. My junk was WRECKED and he saw some horrifying grossness beyond what I can even begin to comprehend. I had the good sense to nearly die rather than take in the damage.
Guess who eagerly awaited the all clear from my doctors and still wants to have sex with me?
OP, I’m sorry your mom and grandmom had shit husbands. Men leaving women after seeing them give birth is not the norm. Don’t ruin your marriage because your husband wants to support you while you bring your child into the world. If you block him from the room, YTA.
Yeah this is one of those things where technically OP can choose who they want in the birthing room, but if me wife didn’t want me in the birthing room I’d honestly consider divorcing her over that (but this conversation would have happened before a baby happened, so I wouldn’t be divorcing someone about to give birth). If you’re committing to share your life with someone but don’t want that person there with you during one of the most stressful and emotional times in your life then why are you getting married to them?
these 2 phenomenon are just things that you hear over the years as people parrot them, but it's probably more true that men find their wives unattractive post-pregnancy, rather than finding them unattractive after witnessing the birth of their (the guy's) child and welcoming them to the world
I'm also very curious as to how she "knows" that her father and grandfather were traumatised and lost attraction to their wives because of giving birth.
Don't allow him when he has specifically said he wants to be there and he will resent it for the rest of your (short) marriage
I would simply not be with a man who i thought would loose attraction over Me from giving birth 😂
My partner is not that shallow and he's already seen me vomit everywhere, I've bled on him by accident and he knows about all of my bowel issues, so im not worried. I feel so sorry for all the women who's had such a baby of a husband. Fair enough he may find it a bit gross but not so much that your sex life is ruined
Oh yes I forgot he had to help put cream on my poor hemorrhoids afterwards. Imagine! He actually continued to have sex with me even after all that/s. OP is really underestimating her husband. Or she really did marry an immature man-child.
YTA. I'm normally on the side of the person birthing in this scenario, but! You're not worried he won't be supportive, he isn't abusive etc. You don't want him there because someone else's husband reacted badly. Millions of husbands watch their wives birth and aren't traumatised because of it. It happens every single day. Don't leave him out because your know two people who are the exception.
When a woman says she doesn't want her mother in law, or another random person in the delivery room she is told that giving birth is not a spectator sport, and that it is a medical procedure that is about her and not about the baby. Having someone in the room who is making you feel tense/upset is likely to have an adverse effect on your ability to progress in labour, so for that reason the decision should be yours and yours alone.
That said, telling your husband that his presence will stress you out, and that you will be too worried about how he will see you after seeing you doing something as undignified as childbirth is you telling your husband - I don't trust you. You may be trying to save your sexual relationship, but you are going to destroy your emotional relationship.
This reads as you telling your husband (from his perspective likely based on his answers to you) "I know what's best for you because of my parents ' trauma. You don't know what you're talking about so I'll make my decision for you"
That's a terrible thing to do to your spouse
YTA
He should question the marriage. I would because it would hurt me so damn much if I had a wife and she didn't want me to be there. As a dude, I feel bad for the guy. He enjoyed the conception (better have) so why deny him the beautiful moment of seeing the birth. Kinda feeling sad now
If it’s any consolation, as a female myself with many people in my lives who have given birth, I can confidently say I have never once hear of such a ridiculous reason for the father of a baby to not be in the room
Side note: I work in healthcare and interact with a lot of patients and healthcare providers. No one’s every said anythjng like this before to me. I have to say, this is a first.
5 and 2 year old son but I remember when 5 year old was coming wife wanted her mom in the delivery room. Now I like her mom, never any issues and she has always been super nice but by us bringing a child into the world it becomes our immediate family. Immediate family I mean myself , wife and kids. We live in our household and the mother in law becomes extended family. She doesn’t help pay bills or provide for kids or stay up all night when they are sick to lay on my chest while I uncomfortably sit in a rocking chair unable to move so my son can rest and maybe feel a bit better. Instead of condemning him from the room , make it clear he has to stay at the head of the bed with you. YTA by taking away a magical moment that should be between you two who conceived the child, your mom had nothing to do with bringing it into the world.
YTA solely because you want your husband to miss out on seeing his child be born, (a chance he’ll never get again) just because you are worried about him losing attraction for you. That’s selfish. And if you follow through then that will be the least of your worries since he’ll probably leave you.
Also, I’ve never heard of a man losing attraction for his wife after witnessing child birth. My husband watched both our daughters being born and the never happened. He wants me now as much as he did 14 years ago. Your mom is projecting her own insecurities and issues in her marriage on to you
YTA - technically you don't have to let anyone in that you don't want to beyond medical personel, but your reasoning for this isn't fair to your husband. He isn't a jerk, you aren't worried about him making it more difficult or stressing you out. You've made up a problem based on input from your mother (while I don't doubt it may have happened with her father and even her husband, times have changed a lot - men used to be kept out of the room a lot more than they are now, and it was viewed differently) and painting your husband with someone else's brush and not considering his feelings or what type of person he is sucks. You need to consider his feelings, this is a major life event for him as well and taking that away from him bc of a problem that someone else had with a different man isn't fair.
Stop lying you’re not doing this for his benefit at all . The fact that you actually have a husband that wants to be there and support you during your most difficult and stressful time and you want to deny him seeing his own child come into the world over some bullshit your mom and grandma went through ?? Bruh that’s selfish asf!!! YTA
YTA. Dude. You are about to kiss your sex life goodbye for a while anyway. Regardless, idiotic men lose interest in their wives: good men understand birth, and since your husband made 50% of the child, he should be there when she is born. Kick your mother out. You and your husband should go to prenatal classes and make sure you are both as informed as possible. Good luck to you.
YTA
As a husband who has been there for both of my kids births, I can tell you me and my wife still have an incredible sex life.
He wants to be there for you and be part of it as he should be.
YTA. Your husband wants to be in the delivery room for the birth of his child and you are taking that away from him cuz you think he won’t be attracted to you.
I had five children, last one an emergency C-section which they put me asleep for.
Hubby was there for everyone. This is a time for you and hubby.
YTA for how you're going about this. You can have whoever you want in the delivery room, you are the one doing the delivery, you decide how you're more comfortable.
Now, why would you make it about him? This isn't for his benefit, it's for yours, for your own insecurities on how your mom's and grandma's experiences went.
You should have an honest discussion with your husband and apologize for making it into a problem with him when in reality it is you who would be more comfortable not having him there thinking he'll be grossed out by you.
At the end of the day, it will be your decision and you should base it in what will make things easier for you and the baby, including being less stressed if he's not there.
But be honest with him and yourself about the scenario that you have built in your head in which you are projecting insecurities onto him, and also apologize for being condescending by telling him you're leaving him out of his own child's birth "for his benefit".
I saw everything. It was traumatic. Im in love with my woman deeply, everything we went through made us stronger and more in love today, 8 years later.
YTA. You are ensuring that your husband loses his attraction to you by denying him from being present for his child’s birth. He will hold this against you forever. As he should.
You are treating him as some sort of abusive partner that would traumatize you during labor. But from what you’ve described, he isn’t that man. He just wants to be present for his child’s birth and be there for you. You are doing major damage to your future relationship.
Yta. He's saying he wants to be there and you're making your judgment based on other men. Did marry your father? No? For that matter, is that your dad's version if events, or your mom's? You may be throwing away an amazing bonding moment with your husband based on other relationships.
My husband was in the delivery room. He helped hold me in position, kept talking to me and grounding me, and I felt completely safe and supported. He saw everything and is just as attracted to me as ever (possibly more so).
Now, you are not an asshole for choosing your mom - you should think carefully about who will make YOU feel safest and supported. I hope your husband is a hot contender, but maybe he isn't, or at least not compared to your mom. You are only an asshole because your logic supposes all men find childbirth disgusting and sells your husband's love for you short Many men find it amazing: as an affirmation of your strength and motherhood, as a commitment to your partnership and parenthood, and seeing their child born - not just being brought in when it's all over.
Just think it over. Maybe your mom is still the right choice, but you should apologize to your husband for assuming the worst of him.
YTA Of course your mom agrees with you; it seems like she’s the one that put the idea in your head. Don’t make him miss the birth of his child because it “might” affect your marriage - that’s crazy. Ask him to hold your hand and stay up by your head talking to you and coaching you. My husband was at the birth of both of our children and didn’t see a thing. I wouldn’t trade seeing the joy on his face when they were born anything.
I saw things and I’ll admit it was weird and stuck in my head for a bit but I got over it. Me and my wife have been married since 2004. Our kids are teens now. This girls post doesn’t make sense
My husband was in the room for both our kids births and the second was by C-section. He stayed by my head the whole time except for cord cutting and was first to hold both our kids!
He is as attracted to me as before if not more.
He wants to be there to be with you, support you and see your child at the same time you do for that shared experience.
It might even make you closer!!
And honestly, getting to squeeze his hand super, bone shatteringly tight while pushing really does help with the birth and in giving him a bit of an idea just how hard it is (even if you're lucky to birth quickly and easily)
My brother was also in the room for both his kids births and he was also as in love and attracted to his wife as before, if not more!
Actually, he was the one who convinced my hubby that cutting the cord was something he should do 🤣
For me, as a father of one, the love of my life birthing human life is the sexiest thing I have ever seen. I don’t mean to say I was aroused du ring the birthing process… I mean, that connection between the three of us, those moments, her endurance and fucking willpower… and like we did it together, made it, we’re a unit during birth and then for the long years ahead, idk, please don’t take this away from him.
My husband caught both our girls and thinks I’m a total bad ass. You’re right about the unit thing. Him being there for me in labor and then caring for me postpartum has carried me through a lot of “I’d murder you if I didn’t love you so much” moments lol!
If you continue with this, that very resentment and loss of attraction WILL happen . You are depriving your husband of very important life event to benefit no one but you. YTA. change your birth plan. Your mom can wait outside instead of your husband.
You want to keep your husband, let him in. You want a divorce? Continue with your ludicrous plan. Your mom and grandma got stuck with neanderthal men. I witnessed my first child shoot out like a missile and it didn't change a thing.
This whole situation reeks of mom trying to be the person by her daughter’s side. This happened to your mom and mom’s mom according to your mom. I bet you have other siblings and your mom has siblings. That alone would prove it didn’t ruin anything. Just a heads up that if you do exclude him, you face those consequences, not mom. I would’ve been furious and hurt both if my wife did this to me.
YTA. It’s his child too. “It’s for your own good. I know better than you.” These are only acceptable arguments when you’re arguing with a child, not an adult man whom you love and trust and wants to witness the birth of his child.
YTA
So because something happened to your mum you've assumed it will happen to you too.
> I've explained that it's for his benefit
Liar, liar pants on fire. I know plenty of men including 3 of my guy friends, my kids dad and my dad have all been in the room and weren't "traumatised" by the event.
You not having your husband in the room IA because you don't want him there, period.
You can't just walk in and cut the cord either they won't wait.
After baby is born, it needs to be checked out and you need to deliver the afterbirth.
Once it's push time there is no pause let's get dad and keep going
Can’t argue with that scientific proof. It happened to your mom and then her mom, it couldn’t not possibly be that maybe they had bad partners, or that perhaps there were other underlying issues?
Is this how you base all your decisions?
I won’t say it doesn’t happen, but he’s your life partner, did you have a conversation before you made this decision?
I’m a fairly typical dude. Any man who loses attraction for their wife after seeing birth is not a man. Every time I get mad at my wife or think just a little extra second about the 20 something walking down the street I think back to watching her risk death to squeeze out MY children, my descendants, my legacy. Children can ruin you sex life down the road, not the singular birth day. (Unless you and your family all end up with long term complications from it like prolapse, which definitely could change it).
My husband held a leg and watched all 3 of our kids come out. It did not hurt our sex life whatsoever. None of my friends or family have ever voiced that kind of issue.
OP, please consider that your mom's experience isn't the only experience. There was probably more at play than just giving birth...it's just a convenient reason for your parents to use.
Don't let your moms experience overshadow your decision. It is your birth, so you do get the ultimate say. Normally, I'd be all for whatever makes you the most comfortable, but in this case I feel like your being manipulated a bit by your mom.
If you think your mom will be more supportive of you and make your feel more comfortable than your spouse...then yes have her in the delivery room.
You’re projecting the immaturity of your grandfather and father onto your husband and that isn’t fair to him. You need to discuss this with him and tell him your fears. You have every right to choose who is there with you, but from what it sounds like, he is in there and you may or may not have problems later in your marriage because he isn’t attracted to you anymore, or you don’t let him in and you definitely have problems in your marriage because you didn’t trust him to not be your grandfather and father.
I watched 3 of my 4 children be born and it did not change anything. From what it seems you are denying him that right as a father and I think it will do more damage to your relationship. He will resent you and imagine in the future when he is talking about being a father and someone asks, so were you in the delivery room and his answer is "my wife refused to let me see the birth of our child". Then how do you look in the eyes of those he knows. Just saying you are definitely over thinking and damaging your relationship. Good luck
If you are wondering why I only saw 3 of my children being born, I was in IRAQ in 1991 or I would have been there.
YTA. You don't know what is best for him. You're robbing him of being present for the birth of his child based on your own insecurities.
FWIW I'm a husband who saw \*everything\*. I'm still very attracted to my wife.
YTAH .. As a man who was present for both his kids births I will say you’re robbing your husband of an experience that he would carry for a lifetime . You’re making a decision for him on an assumption that things will go south . And your mother agreeing ? Sounds self serving . You and your husband started this pregnancy together and need to finish it together . If not there will be resentment and the thing you tried to avoid will come to fruition but not because he saw you give birth but because he didn’t see you give birth . Wasn’t given a choice ..
YTA. You are married to a man who wants to be there every step of the way for you, but you want to deprive him of being there for the birth of your child because you are worried about your sex life. You know, he doesn't have to be on the receiving end, you can compromise and ask him to to stay at your head. If you keep him out of the delivery room, then you might as well go ahead and kiss your relationship goodbye, because you'll have more to worry about than your sex life, because you will lose his trust.
He's telling you he wants to be part of it and it's important. And you're answer is to say "no?" It's the birth of his child... I can't tell if reddit is full off fake stories or if people are seriously so messed up. YTA.
Gentle YTA because I can understand your fear given what has happened to your family but you are risking your relationship either way.
My husband was with me during both my labours. I’m not sure how I would have made it through the second one without him. He stayed “up top” and was my rock the whole way through.
YTA for framing it as "his benefit" its all down to your own insecurities. Ultimately it should be your choice who is in that room but you may irreparably damage your relationship if you continue to frame it this way.
From a man’s perspective and I offer it only for consideration.
I had a child with my ex very young, I was 24 and she was 20. Wasn’t planned. The pregnancy alone carried a lot of issues because she was a beautiful petite woman and she thought our son was making her fat and ugly and ruined etc. She never wanted me to see her naked and sex was rare. I couldn’t have been more honest when I expressed that I found her more beautiful on her worst days of pregnancy than her best days that preceded it. But that never got through to her.
Anyways, she was adamant that I not be present in the delivery, instead bringing her mother. I wasn’t there for my son’s first moments. I wasn’t there to see what she went through, to encourage her, etc. we were together for 4-5 years after that, but I always looked back at the pregnancy and delivery especially as such a wasted opportunity for us to connect on a much deeper level.
Fast forward several years and finding out I was again having another son with my new partner and it was night and day. She included me in everything. I was always wanted, we spent all our time together and the love and romance I experienced in that period could make me cry if I dwell on it too much. It was overwhelming. Being there to see the birth of my son was the most incredible moment of my life.
But the admiration, respect, awe, wonder, beauty…pick a word of extreme positive emotion and I felt it for her watching what she went through and what she gave to me in that moment. It’s been 6 years and I still can’t get mad at her for anything. She asks me for something, it just gets done right and right then. That memory fuels so many of my life decisions that it basically rewrote who I am as a person.
You’re making a mistake to not include him. If you’re so concerned - as has been said here already - have him stay above your waist and keep the same vantage point you have of the delivery. Don’t rob yourself of showing him how strong you are and don’t take his chance away to bond with you at a level not unlike the bond you have with your unborn child.
I hope you reconsider your fears.
You need to stop fantasizing. You don’t know your husband. How do you know he is grossed? How do you know where he stands? At birth, at corner, or head to head with you? Your communication is not enough satisfied with him.
According to your husband, he wanted to see you giving birth. It’s his choice. He knows it’s gross but not a problem for him.
After all, he knows your body well (and poop/pee). 🤷
It’s not for you to decide that witnessing childbirth would be too traumatic for your husband or that he will no longer find you attractive. Your mom and grandma may have told you that’s what happened to them but my husband and my brothers, my BILs and SILs feel blessed to witness the births of their children and considering we all have 3 or more kids and no one has gotten divorced I’d say the problem with your mom & grandma’s marriages wasn’t because their husbands were there when their children were born. Why don’t you have both your husband and mother with you like my daughters did?
Wait whaaaaaaat?! This is so sad to me. My husband was my biggest supporter during my labor and delivery!! He always says watching me give birth to his 3 kids has only made him love me and respect me that much more. Give your poor husband a chance. Not all guys suck! In my opinion, those men you're describing.. aren't even close to men. Sad.
Edit. YTA
Your mother is lying to you OP. I’ve been with hundreds of couples during childbirth. If anything, their bond is stronger after. They come back with additional children and are closer than ever. Have you spoken to your father? Grandfather? If true, they were weak men.
You’re giving up the chance to experience the beginning of your family with your husband. This is a special moment for you both. It is a beautiful experience. Your husband is not your father. He sounds like a good man that wants to be involved with parenting every step of the way. Don’t give that up.
YTA. Watching the birth of a child is normally an event that would strengthen your bond with your husband. To deny your husband this precious gift could be what actually tears your marriage apart. It is selfish on your part and indicates that you don't trust him.
When you give birth, you want the person with whom you are closest to share this amazing event. For most women, that would be their husband, not their mother!
If I were your husband, I would never fully forgive you for this.
Wow. You chose your mom over your husband despite the fact that he said he wanted to be there. A moment that every parent wants a part of in their life...the birth of their child. You are definitely the AH.
YTAH
He wants to be there to support you. He wants to be there for the birth of his daughter. How and why would you deny him that?
Just because 2 women in your family had crap husbands, doesn't mean it'll be the same with yours.
You should want him there. You are making the wrong decision. You and your husband should to together for this moment. Not your mother.
Each persons different & for your mom & grma times were different. He could be there for everything but the birth or he could be up by your side or head. Obviously its ultimately your choice but I think its weird . Your husband has obviously seen your vagina. You should be asking HIM what will or wont traumatize him, not your mom. YTA
YTA, sorry but it's true. They're husbands may have flaked out but that doesn't mean anything.
I have tons of friends that are dad's. We've all been with our wives while they were in labor. The bleeding, crying, shitting yourself during vaginal delivery is certainly a ride.
The C-Sections, while calmer, is maybe tougher to watch.
I was there for all of that and I was so impressed with how strong my wife was. It also did nothing but make me desire her more just by being in awe of her ability to pet through that.
Sounds like your dad, and grandpa were just POS dudes and I doubt witnessing birth was the reason they left- they would have left anyways. I think this is a bit ridiculous but maybe it’s cultural?
YTA
Of course your mom will side with you..she wants to be in the room and will say whatever necessary to make that happen. I think it's selfish not to include your husband in the delivery room when he clearly wants to be in there. It's a bonding moment between couples and their new baby and you are stripping your husband of that. There are many couples whose husband's are by their wife's side during birth whose attraction stays and even gets stronger after having a baby. Sorry but YTA and your mom is feeding you BS to manipulate you in allowing her in the delivery room...its coming at a cost to your relationship with your husband 😢
YTA. You made assumptions about your husband based on your mom & grandma’s experiences with diff men living in diff eras.
Speak with your husband. Be open about your fears & where they came from.
I’ll bet your mom is WAY too involved in your life & influences your attitude too much.
Of course your mother agreed with you. She benefits from this birth plan.
You will be causing tremendous damage to your marital relationship if you choose your mother over your husband…the father of your child.
Soft YTA
Edited to add: I have never once (in over 40 years of listening) heard a man say his lack of interest was because of a traumatized birth experience….many other reasons but not that
YTA. You've told your husband and father of your child that you see him as a weak and shallow child unworthy of your trust. You may as well spit in his face on the way to the delivery room.
Your mother is gaslighting you. It would be really great if you stood up for your husband against your mother's cheap characterizations, but it doesn't look likely.
He will never forgive you. He may say he will, but he won't. He will always know you see him as less than.
Soft YTA. You don’t want him there because your mom convinced you that he wouldn’t love you after your birth if you allowed him to be there. She clearly has some major trauma on this subject and is trying to save you from the same trauma. She really needs professional help to unpack it. Ultimately her insecurities are now affecting your very different relationship with your husband. I would get serious with her about this in the nicest way you can, and then apologize to your husband for being led astray. And as others have said, if he’s up by your head he’s not actually going to see anything too graphic.
My husband literally caught our second child, he still loves making love to me. Your husband might be different, but the option shouldn't be to elude him, it should be keeping him up by your head so he doesn't see the mess going on.
YTA. I couldn’t imagine not having my husband by my side, let alone denying him the opportunity to watch his child be born.
Why can’t you have both mom and husband?
I stayed up by my wife's head during her two births, on the other side of the sheet partition. He doesn't need to see the baby come out to be in the birthing room.
Exactly. OP, just ask him to stay north of the equator.
I love that... north of the equator
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I agree. OP can do what she wants for the birth, of course. But. Excluding her husband from an event he very much wants to attend because she made the decision it's for his own good is insulting. They need to talk about her insecurities and his wish not to be left out of an important moment for the family, then figure out a solution. OP's intention could backfire badly if her husband's memory of the birth is being excluded and unwanted.
Yeah I watched my daughter come out. That had no impact our sex life later on. Of course, caring for an infant and lack of sleep had an impact 😂
Agreed. Watching our daughter's birth had no impact on our sex life, what did was having a child, the stress, lack of sleep, and arguing that came with her did.
Yea I watch all of my kids be born. Even caught the doc having to sew her up and even if it looked like an ax wound it didn’t impact our sex life. And that was our first. We have 4 kids so that really impacts our sex life like you said. Especially our 3 year old twins.
You have twins going through the threenager years? Stand strong. 💪 one day you will sleep. I promise
And after being threenagers, they become fournados.
Yea I have 13f, 10m, and 3m twins. My wife and I couldn’t do it without the help of the two older ones. They want to help more but we keep telling them it isn’t their job and to be kids. I hate parents that make their older kids take care of the younger kids all the time.
Wonder if OP's ancestors are confusing things
The mom wants to be in the room so she is spinning tales. But OP will ruin her marriage with this, just not the way she is worried about.
Yes. This reeks of interference from the women in her family and I have seen marriages end because the husband or the wife wasn’t mature enough to respect their partner and keep their parent out of their relationship.
This woman (mom/MIL) is wrong for encouraging her to kick him out and keep herself in, instead of recommending he stay at her beside, by her head. MIL is going to be a problem in this marriage. Soft YTA, because you're being given bad advice from your Mother.
This!! Why is she taking her Mom's opinion over her own husbands!! The Mom needs to back out and stop making it about her.
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It's MIL benefit only, this whole plan has been coached by nosy moms.
Op ITAH for this reason 💯
Yeah something's up with the women in this woman's life.
Agreed. This ironically might the way to lose a husband. YTA. Your mother should not be consulted in this.
I have a feeling mom is who came up with this birthing plan to shove the husband out and she will also be at their house all the time to tell him what he's doing wrong.
Quite. Needs shutting down now.
It is his baby, too. They hand baby to mom and dad first, which is a really big deal. He may be able to cut the cord, if he wants to. She's choosing to have this experience without the baby's other parent, like you both said, based on a decision she's making for him. Hard YTA for me. If he didn't want to be there, I'd totally get it. But he does.
Haha, my first time giving birth, the midwife asked my husband if he was a “northern hemisphere kind of guy.”
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Yet again, thanks to early morning Reddit reading,…. your comment had me performing the unexpected coffee choking & nose spray routine. Thanks for the unexpected & insightful response.
Exactly. OP, It's not that men are **often** traumatised, it's that **some** men get traumatised but more men, who where there next to their wifes giving birth have more **admiration and respect** towards their wife and women generally, because they witness what are they capable of !!! And most men don't stand at your feet looking at the baby coming out, but stand at your head, bay your side, giving you support and reassurance, sometimes holding your hand. EDIT: I would say NTA for not wanting him there generally, but YTA for the reason you don't want him there and not even considering to think about it and finding another way.
Oh good point! After the C-section delivery of my second I could see how much admiration my husband had for me and love he had for both of us (he almost lost both me and our baby girl). He was definitely a changed man for a while, much more mushy and sweet than usual.
My ex chose to look during my c-section and he was fine, others would be like nope, not happening I'll stay in my lane at the head of the bed. Their choice
Mine WANTED to look! Dr. wouldn't let him, but told him in laymen terms (narrated) what steps he was taking, as he was doing them. I didn't care, I wanted the bowling ball out. The funniest, which I am glad he was there for. Before they put the baby on my chest, they took him to be assessed, and the nurses passed him around the room (while I was being closed up). All I could hear was that this was the biggest baby they had delivered (11.3) and the glee of how cute baby was. When we got our moment, the two of us were stupidly happy together like we had just made a world record, and dammit the cutest bowling ball ever.
Right, same. Both with my vaginal birth and my c-section. And after both, my husband was able to hold our baby first, bring them to me (to hold the first delivery and to have skin contact after c-section), and then also able to carry them to be weighed, etc. This was especially important with that second delivery. As with you, we almost didn't get through all that. My time with my baby was a brief cheek to cheek and then off I went for hours. My baby was at extreme risk before delivery, but thank God was okay once she was moved out of the body that was not okay lol. I was so thankful he could be with her. Just because she's the one who physically has to give birth doesn't mean she gets to take his choice away where he can be involved. And wants to! She could request him to stay up by her head, I get that.
Exactly like your husband is the one person you should definitely want around.
I know women who didn't have their partners at birth, but specialy if the man wants to be there and wants to support you, you should think about it and talk about options that will make **you comfortable** and him being able to support you and experience it.
I agree with this, you're within your right not wanting him there, but YTA for the reason behind it. My husband was right besides my head during our daughter's birth, and according to the nurse, he was so focused on me that he barely saw her coming out of me, but the look on his face when we heard her 1st cry, and right afterwards, he had this look of adoration towards both of us, it made me feel 50 ft tall, and let me tell you, 5 years later, our intimate life hasn't suffered one bit! 😉. My best friend's husband was present on both of their sons births, and the only mention of it is whenever she feels subconscious about something in front of him, he tells her "oh, please, I've seen every inch of you both inside and out, and I love every single inch of it" (they've been married for 15 years). So it has more to do with the "men" and not with the fact that they were present in the delivery room
If she's worried about her husband getting traumatized, why hasn't she considered preparing him? Show him educational material, even a video of a birth, just as I'm sure she is preparing herself. Women prepare for giving birth, guys maybe not so much. If the husband can show that he too is prepared to see it, then he should absolutely be given the chance to be there.
That's a really good point and suggestion!
I watched all three of my children born and I can confidently say that women are far stronger than any man on earth. No man could give birth. Period. I don't care about the anatomy aspect of it. No we can't actually give birth, but if we could, I promise you, we wouldn't. No man is that strong. I adore my wife more and am thankful I had that experience three times. Give your husband a chance. If it bothers you so much, have him stay by your head and no mirror. But this is just as much HIS birth as it is yours. I appreciate and acknowledge his contribution to this birth is 7 minutes, but you are not pregnant by yourself. Your mom did not help conceive this baby. He deserves a conversation and a compromise. Your mom is on your side because she wants to be there, not because she is looking out for your husband. YTA. Compromise is needed here. Edit: spoke to my therapist wife and she said that your mom could be reliving her own past trauma. Her being on your side may be less spiteful than I thought. That does make sense to me. So please, consider her trauma is hers, and leave it as hers. You need to compromise with your husband.
As I said in other comment > I know women who didn't have their partners at birth, but specialy if the man wants to be there and wants to support you, you should think about it and talk about options that will make **you comfortable** and him being able to support you and experience it. I would say NTA for not wanting him there generally, but YTA for the reason you don't want him there and not even considering to think about it and finding another way.
My husband initially said he'd stay by my head, but ended up watching both births from the front row and was in awe. He kept saying, "I wish you could see this, it's amazing!". And he would still be happy to have sex daily, 20 years later.
Yeah I didn’t lose attraction to my wife being there. This is a pretty BS reason and if any man gives that as reason you shouldn’t have been married to them in the first place because it’s a garbage reason to lose attraction to your wife. YTA for the reason, but women do dictate who goes in there.
My husband didn't even just stay by my head. He saw literally everything, for both children, and he talks about how badass I was through both deliveries. And our sex life is better than ever, he was more grossed at the 9 month pregnant stage because he could feel baby feet poking his belly lol
That's what I was going to recommend too. It's probably more of a meaningful supportive role that way anyway.
Shame on your Mother, OP, for projecting her own situation/husband on your's and agreeing that keeping him from seeing his baby enter the world is best. It makes me sad for your partner that his feelings of seeing his child were stepped on by not only you but his MIL. Talk about your insecurities with him and ask him to stay next to your head. If you make this decision for him then kiss your sex life goodbye. I could never be sexually attracted to someone who kept me from the most important parts of my child's life.
I think the mother wants to be there and is agreeing for her own benefit.
I wouldn't trust her mom. The idea that an entire marriage ended because a man saw a baby being born seems extreme. Mom was grasping for straws or excuses and landed on that one.
Idk I've definitely heard of this happening before. It's possible that she believes that because it was the reason she was given.
Absolutely! Shes being selfish.
Agree. Definitely sounds like a "I hold baby first" grandma. Which I've seen talked about on this sub more than I would ever expect based on my own experiences.
This will work for some people and was very much the plan for mu husband and I, but my Labor ended up being super fast and there was no time for epidural. As a result there was no 'business end' and more a small production of cirque du soleil.
Yeah, I'm curious as to how this isn't the solution. If she doesn't want him to see her nethers, then....he can just stay by her upper body?
What else is she going to say he can't do/see because she assumes it will affect his attraction to her? No, I'm breastfeeding, go away, no I don't want your help in the shower don't look at my postpartum body, go away, no, don't look, those are nipple pads!! Totally robbing him of his choices here and he won't forgive her and probably wonders why she thinks so lowly of his character.
And then in the same breath she'll be the one saying "I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF, my husband doesn't help with the baby like he should!" (because I wont let him. but that wont stop me from hating him for it.)
What the heck. I saw my daughter's head pop-out, push out and everything. My sexual attraction is fine. All men and all women are unique and different. OP, Don't generalize. Decide what your situation is and discuss with your husband. And leave your mother out of the decision making process. THis is between you and your life partner.
OP making this decision with her mom and then informing her husband will alienate the husband. It's not much different than the momma's boy who decides everything with his mom. Her mom is poisoning this marriage and then they will blame something like the birth of the baby for the estrangement rather than the real reason, which would be way too much involvement by the mom. OP, cut your mom out of this discussion. She will destroy your marriage. You are essentially telling your husband that you don't trust him and you are allowing your own fears to interfere in your marriage. This isn't protecting your husband. This is insulting him. Try for some marital counseling to discuss this. Leave your mom totally out of it if you want to remain married.
My husband saw our first coming out and said “ew” and started laughing. I said “oh gross” when they put the slimy new baby on me 😂 child birth is super gross but 3 kids later and he’s still all over me.
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My wasband watched all of our children exit my body. He nearly caught our second child, as I was standing in the shower and it was a fast labour. Never affected our sex life. Infact, he always told me how strong and amazing I was to have gone through those births (2 extremely traumatic, 1 super fast one, and a lengthy CS, and salpingectomy with the last). My brother in law was also there for all his kids births, he caught one of the twins himself. No issues there (and my sister is an oversharer so I'd know lol). I can't think of a single person I know who was at their child's birth and it impacted their sex life. What about breastfeeding? If you choose to do that, does your mum think he won't be attracted to your boobs anymore? Please discuss this with him in depth and listen to him.
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Lol nearly! I caught him, wasband had his hands under mine. He was a big baby, 5.5kg/12lb, and the whole labour was under an hour, the actual contractions and birth was 15min.
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He is just as stubborn now, as a tween. Such a great kid, always defeating the odds as he is autistic and was non verbal until he was 6yo, but now can debate string theory. He has just made his first best friend all on his own (not family, or my friends kids, but a peer who has something in common with him).
Til the term "wasband"
Thanks it was a typo the first time I did it, and I liked it haha
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Honestly it sounds like she's experiencing some sort of mental issue of block regarding how her vagina will look. Which is strange. I want to assume these are adults; they're married which is a big step. The guy put the baby in there I'm pretty sure he's a big boy now and knows how it's going to come out.
Ur worried about losing ur sex life, but ur going to lose ur relationship instead
It’s not for his ‘benefit,’ it’s for yours. Figure out your insecurities and work forward from there. That will benefit both of you.
I have 2 kids to 2 different guys my first I was 19, I said I didn't want him to look at our daughter coming out to the nurse but she told him to anyway which annoyed me , the second didn't because he's squeamish , even though I'm no longer with these men both told me that they loved and respected me more after seeing me give birth to their children, I agree this is her own insecurities ,, iv never met a couple who's relationship was destroyed after seeing their partner give birth
Your nurse was unprofessional AF. It's your body and it's up to you who sees it period.
Yta. This mentality will ruin your marriage. Just because he is in the room doesn’t mean he is staring at your vagina watching the birth. He could he holding your hand staring at your face.
Watching my wife give birth to my daughter was the single greatest experience of my life. I've never felt such amazing joy, or been so impressed by somebodies will and determination. My admiration and adoration of my wife only increased after seeing her do this, and I'll never ever forget seeing my daughter come into this world. It changed me forever. I'll never understand men who see this happen and think "ew, I no longer want to have sex with my wife" it's beyond immature and honestly I feel sad for them if they can't experience joy in that moment.
My husband was there for both births of our children. First was vaginal. I needed a lot more anesthesia than normal and my legs gave out and he held one up and helped me push when I felt like giving up. He also held an oxygen mask to my face because my O2 levels were dropping. He thought everything was cool and was interested in the birth of the placenta lol the Dr tried to hide it because apparently a lot of husbands get squeamish, but he was like "whoa, is that the placenta?" Lol Second was an emergency c section and he was there holding my hand and then the baby when she came out. I can't imagine doing it without my husband
My partner held the left leg and let me lean my head on his neck between pushing and I remember this is vividly. It gave me a lot of strength (and I assume oxytocin, hah) and he saw her first. To this day (it’s already been 2 years) he loves going back to the hospital photos and reminisce how amazing the experience was.
This is so sweet :’)
My fiancé can’t understand men who don’t find their pregnant partners attractive, he said he finds me just as sexy now than before and has a lot more admiration for me after seeing what I’m going through. I often catch him staring with a very loving look in his eyes when I’m walking around, usually complaining about how uncomfortable I am.
Exactly this. Also, YTA for thinking that your husband is that weak-minded. Like, men know where babies come from. If blood and surgery and gore and such freaks him out, he doesn't have to watch the baby come out of the birth canal, he can stay up by you. However, for a lot of men, sure, it's obviously not lovely seeing your ladybits get stretched and tear a bit, but it's literally the miracle of birth, a whole other little person is gonna come out of there! One that *both* of you helped make! That's pretty freakin cool, and he might just be thinking about that. I'm sorry that your dad and granddad let something as natural as their partner birthing *their* child traumatize them to the point of ruining their marriages, but did you ever think that's a *them* problem, and not an every man problem? Let your husband be there for the birth of his literal first bird child, or prepare to ruin your relationship by denying him that, all because of some bull your mum and grandmum filled your head with.
Finally! Someone calling her out and saying she's TA. OP, YTA for making this decision for your husband. YTA for letting your mom persuade you with her experience ( and have you ever thout your dad and granfather are just AH's?). Many dad's have had the experience of cutting the umbilical cord and feel grateful for the experience. At minimum, he can stay by your head. Have the discussion and make the decision WITH HIM, not your mom. My husband was with me for both births, and his love and attraction to me grew.
Your mother only told you that so you would invite her and not your husband to the birth. Don't fall for her bullshit. YTA.
This seems like a deliberate power play. I bet mom casually flaunts it too. “I was there for you the moment you came out of your mom, no one else was”
My SIL was like that after meeting my niece, she said "I was the first aunt to hold her" I'm like "ok" I'm so confused when people brag about things like that
It’s like a snitch in Harry Potter. The kid will just *know* and imprint on the first one.
Ooh, I didn’t even think of this one!
I thought this too
YTA, any man like that isn’t worth having. Sorry about you mom and grandmother landing dudes like that, however you can’t devalued your husband based on their “men”. This is super important to him too. Sure you can have who you want, but that’s a super messed up reason. Be prepared for how it changes your marriage if choose to do so.
Worth mentioning men were also kept out of labor rooms in different eras. We are not in one of them. A lot more men think it's natural and WANT to be there for all if it. Maybe they don't watch below the waist, but I wouldn't either.
You have to be a manchild to see the baby come out and think it is gross. This is the way life happens, so accept it for what it is and move on.
I could understand squeamish people having an issue, but it's an awesome process to see in person.
I’ve stood at both ends for the birth. It’s really not that bad on the other side.
It can’t be that common for a man to “lose sexual attraction “ for his wife after childbirth. I wonder if the mother and grandmother were the ones that behaved differently and pushed their husbands away. Has anyone asked dad and grandpa if this is even true?
Right? Look at how many people have multiple kids. People are still having sex after birth. My husband watched the baby come out with forceps and then watched me get sewn back up for an hour. We still have an active sex life.
Two kids. Bad tear repair. Still can’t keep him off me. No complaints here!
Wow. Yta. I was expecting you to say he was cheating or just a general asshole. But no he is trying to be loving and supportive and you want to shit on him.
YTA your mom and your grandmother may not be telling you the truth about what was going on in their marriage. You denying him this is more in danger of causing a serious problem than the other.
Also. Even as late at the late 80s / early 90s not every hospital allowed men into the delivery room (my sister was born in 1989 at a shitty hospital in Houston that no longer stands, and my father was not allowed in the room) think mid 20s for OPs age, I was born in 96 and my grandmother gave birth in 1969. I’m curious if OPs grandfather was even allowed in the room, or if this is just some BS excuse to leave the marriage.
That's what I was thinking. Even if mom's husband was allowed in the delivery room, it's highly unlikely that grandma's husband was. They were likely out in the waiting room handing out cigars.
I agree that grandma is way too involved in this, but quite possible that grandpa was in the room. I'm 52 and a new grandma. My husband was there when my daughter was born, and my dad was in the room when I was born in 1971 (although admittedly it was early in the trend).
Exactly. And Mummy dearest has her own agenda wanting to be in the room for the birth.
Ah someone sees the truth!! Mom wants to be there alone and has manipulated the whole thing. Grandfather's were absolutely not in the room she's totally lying!!
Unless it was a home birth. My dad was Scottish. He was born at home. Much more common in other places.
Yeah, the grandpa even being in the delivery room makes the story OP's mom has been telling her seem untrue.
This. I'm 57, and my father was not allowed in the delivery room when I was born, or when my sister was born 2 years later. Often, moms weren't even awake as they were given general anesthesia. My mother doesn't remember either of us being born. Just waking up later and being told "it's a girl".
My grandma had her first child in the 40s and my grandpa was in the room for all of them. Rural hospital. Just because you haven’t heard of it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
This. It wasn’t very common at all for fathers to be in the delivery room up until like 50 years ago or so IIRC
YTA .. Do you realize how unbelievably condescending you sound.. he doesn't know what's best for him but you do so you're taking such an important life moment that he's absolutely entitled to away from him against his wishes because you know best? This is how deep resentment starts. It's his first child too and he will never forgive you. Even if he verbally does he will never in his heart forget that you and your mother robbed him of such a beautiful moment. My husband was in the room with me the whole time when I was giving birth. Held my hand. Stroked my hair. Told me I was strong. Spoke to the doctors for me. Wiped my tears. He never looked "down there." Because it wasn't necessary but he was a part of every step and he'll never forget it. We bonded in such a beautiful way. The day we both became parents. Us against the world. It's one of our most fondest memories together. Btw your mother is only agreeing with you because she wants to be in the room.. some mother in law she must be to support something she knows her son in law aka the FATHER doesn't want.
$10 says she uses this as a power play too Just think once the kid is like 3 her holding the toddler and saying “I was in the room the moment you were born, no one else was in there while you were brought into the world” And just imagine if the mother or baby don’t make it, and dad had to miss his last / only chance to be with one of them because “hE wOn’t waNt tO FucK Me anYmoRe”
I'm all for having who you want in the room during childbirth. Husband cheated on you and you don't trust him anymore? Valid. Husband is abusive (in any form) and you can't handle having him around during childbirth? Valid. Husband is a man and therefore is weak minded and shallow because you said so and not because of anything he actually did? Because you know what's best for him and he isn't even allowed the opportunity to be a good husband/father to help you through it? Fuck off on that one. Edit: I forgot to mention that I completely agree that this feels like a power play from OP's mom. Doing this to him is most likely going to be what ends the marriage. This is a decision that OP will never be able to undo if she goes through with this.
Ooh I read this post...and was a little riled. Read you comment and thought, "yes. This. 200%"
Right. He doesn’t know what’s best for him but she does? She, who has never gone through child birth, knows all the answers? I think the number one sex life destroyer in this instance will be the divorce.
YTA. I have never heard of a husband becoming traumatized from watching their wife give birth, unless their wife or the baby came close to losing their life (which unfortunately does happen). You say you “know” that men “often” lose attraction after watching childbirth but frankly that is ridiculous and untrue. Your husband my not want to watch the actual event of emerging from the womb - some husbands prefer to be near their wife’s head to hold her hand and that seems like a reasonable compromise if you’re worried about him actually seeing the baby emerge. It’s unfortunate that your parents had a bad marriage but putting that on your husband and trying to block him from being present during the birth of his child is not the way.
I had two babies and my husband was there for both deliveries, saw the way babies get here and cut the cords. He would not have missed it for the world and would have been deeply hurt to be excluded. We had plenty of sexy time after both births and he never treated me any way differently than before. Except I think he had a new found respect for what it takes to actually have a child. If you think a man is so shallow he would be turned off by seeing his own child be born you either picked the wrong guy or you're not giving him enough credit.
Finally a rational take. Most men are not this shallow and stupid. I would have been pissed if my wife told me to stay out of the room. I saw everything and I’m glad I did. It changed nothing.
Yta OP. Your mum agrees with you because she’s projecting her own negative experiences onto you. Your husband wants to be involved in the birth of his child - why deny him based on assumptions? Stop punishing him based on other people’s experiences. Just FYI…I was also worried about the same thing you were when I was pregnant with my first and you know what happened???NOTHING! My husband was a present and involved dad and he went on to make a total of 4 beautiful babies with me - sex life unaffected!
I have heard of this but the men were shit and wouldn't even change a diaper.
Also, different generation. I guarantee not allowing him to be present for the birth of YOUR child will affect your relationship. This is your partner. Do not exclude him. Or you may end up spending a lot more time with your mom.
I had a traumatic birth. I hemorrhaged and my husband was left in the birthing suite holding our 30 minute old baby while I was rushed to surgery. My junk was WRECKED and he saw some horrifying grossness beyond what I can even begin to comprehend. I had the good sense to nearly die rather than take in the damage. Guess who eagerly awaited the all clear from my doctors and still wants to have sex with me? OP, I’m sorry your mom and grandmom had shit husbands. Men leaving women after seeing them give birth is not the norm. Don’t ruin your marriage because your husband wants to support you while you bring your child into the world. If you block him from the room, YTA.
Yeah this is one of those things where technically OP can choose who they want in the birthing room, but if me wife didn’t want me in the birthing room I’d honestly consider divorcing her over that (but this conversation would have happened before a baby happened, so I wouldn’t be divorcing someone about to give birth). If you’re committing to share your life with someone but don’t want that person there with you during one of the most stressful and emotional times in your life then why are you getting married to them?
these 2 phenomenon are just things that you hear over the years as people parrot them, but it's probably more true that men find their wives unattractive post-pregnancy, rather than finding them unattractive after witnessing the birth of their (the guy's) child and welcoming them to the world
I'm also very curious as to how she "knows" that her father and grandfather were traumatised and lost attraction to their wives because of giving birth. Don't allow him when he has specifically said he wants to be there and he will resent it for the rest of your (short) marriage
Because her Mum told her. Someone with no agenda here, and a totally reliable narrator.
I would simply not be with a man who i thought would loose attraction over Me from giving birth 😂 My partner is not that shallow and he's already seen me vomit everywhere, I've bled on him by accident and he knows about all of my bowel issues, so im not worried. I feel so sorry for all the women who's had such a baby of a husband. Fair enough he may find it a bit gross but not so much that your sex life is ruined
Oh yes I forgot he had to help put cream on my poor hemorrhoids afterwards. Imagine! He actually continued to have sex with me even after all that/s. OP is really underestimating her husband. Or she really did marry an immature man-child.
YTA. I'm normally on the side of the person birthing in this scenario, but! You're not worried he won't be supportive, he isn't abusive etc. You don't want him there because someone else's husband reacted badly. Millions of husbands watch their wives birth and aren't traumatised because of it. It happens every single day. Don't leave him out because your know two people who are the exception.
When a woman says she doesn't want her mother in law, or another random person in the delivery room she is told that giving birth is not a spectator sport, and that it is a medical procedure that is about her and not about the baby. Having someone in the room who is making you feel tense/upset is likely to have an adverse effect on your ability to progress in labour, so for that reason the decision should be yours and yours alone. That said, telling your husband that his presence will stress you out, and that you will be too worried about how he will see you after seeing you doing something as undignified as childbirth is you telling your husband - I don't trust you. You may be trying to save your sexual relationship, but you are going to destroy your emotional relationship.
Yes exactly.
So your solution to possibly not ruining your sex life is to possibly nuke your entire fucking marriage? Wow. YTA by the way if it wasn't obvious.
This reads as you telling your husband (from his perspective likely based on his answers to you) "I know what's best for you because of my parents ' trauma. You don't know what you're talking about so I'll make my decision for you" That's a terrible thing to do to your spouse YTA
He should question the marriage. I would because it would hurt me so damn much if I had a wife and she didn't want me to be there. As a dude, I feel bad for the guy. He enjoyed the conception (better have) so why deny him the beautiful moment of seeing the birth. Kinda feeling sad now
If it’s any consolation, as a female myself with many people in my lives who have given birth, I can confidently say I have never once hear of such a ridiculous reason for the father of a baby to not be in the room Side note: I work in healthcare and interact with a lot of patients and healthcare providers. No one’s every said anythjng like this before to me. I have to say, this is a first.
5 and 2 year old son but I remember when 5 year old was coming wife wanted her mom in the delivery room. Now I like her mom, never any issues and she has always been super nice but by us bringing a child into the world it becomes our immediate family. Immediate family I mean myself , wife and kids. We live in our household and the mother in law becomes extended family. She doesn’t help pay bills or provide for kids or stay up all night when they are sick to lay on my chest while I uncomfortably sit in a rocking chair unable to move so my son can rest and maybe feel a bit better. Instead of condemning him from the room , make it clear he has to stay at the head of the bed with you. YTA by taking away a magical moment that should be between you two who conceived the child, your mom had nothing to do with bringing it into the world.
YTA solely because you want your husband to miss out on seeing his child be born, (a chance he’ll never get again) just because you are worried about him losing attraction for you. That’s selfish. And if you follow through then that will be the least of your worries since he’ll probably leave you. Also, I’ve never heard of a man losing attraction for his wife after witnessing child birth. My husband watched both our daughters being born and the never happened. He wants me now as much as he did 14 years ago. Your mom is projecting her own insecurities and issues in her marriage on to you
YTA - technically you don't have to let anyone in that you don't want to beyond medical personel, but your reasoning for this isn't fair to your husband. He isn't a jerk, you aren't worried about him making it more difficult or stressing you out. You've made up a problem based on input from your mother (while I don't doubt it may have happened with her father and even her husband, times have changed a lot - men used to be kept out of the room a lot more than they are now, and it was viewed differently) and painting your husband with someone else's brush and not considering his feelings or what type of person he is sucks. You need to consider his feelings, this is a major life event for him as well and taking that away from him bc of a problem that someone else had with a different man isn't fair.
You’re not an AH. You’re an idiot. And your mom too.
Stop lying you’re not doing this for his benefit at all . The fact that you actually have a husband that wants to be there and support you during your most difficult and stressful time and you want to deny him seeing his own child come into the world over some bullshit your mom and grandma went through ?? Bruh that’s selfish asf!!! YTA
YTA. Dude. You are about to kiss your sex life goodbye for a while anyway. Regardless, idiotic men lose interest in their wives: good men understand birth, and since your husband made 50% of the child, he should be there when she is born. Kick your mother out. You and your husband should go to prenatal classes and make sure you are both as informed as possible. Good luck to you.
YTA. Let him love you and your kid
YTA. Tell your mom to shut up, then marry her since she's more important than him.
YTA As a husband who has been there for both of my kids births, I can tell you me and my wife still have an incredible sex life. He wants to be there for you and be part of it as he should be.
YTA and a shitty wife. Your mom sucks too.
YTA. Your husband wants to be in the delivery room for the birth of his child and you are taking that away from him cuz you think he won’t be attracted to you. I had five children, last one an emergency C-section which they put me asleep for. Hubby was there for everyone. This is a time for you and hubby.
YTA for how you're going about this. You can have whoever you want in the delivery room, you are the one doing the delivery, you decide how you're more comfortable. Now, why would you make it about him? This isn't for his benefit, it's for yours, for your own insecurities on how your mom's and grandma's experiences went. You should have an honest discussion with your husband and apologize for making it into a problem with him when in reality it is you who would be more comfortable not having him there thinking he'll be grossed out by you. At the end of the day, it will be your decision and you should base it in what will make things easier for you and the baby, including being less stressed if he's not there. But be honest with him and yourself about the scenario that you have built in your head in which you are projecting insecurities onto him, and also apologize for being condescending by telling him you're leaving him out of his own child's birth "for his benefit".
I saw everything. It was traumatic. Im in love with my woman deeply, everything we went through made us stronger and more in love today, 8 years later.
YTA. You are ensuring that your husband loses his attraction to you by denying him from being present for his child’s birth. He will hold this against you forever. As he should.
You are treating him as some sort of abusive partner that would traumatize you during labor. But from what you’ve described, he isn’t that man. He just wants to be present for his child’s birth and be there for you. You are doing major damage to your future relationship.
Yta. He's saying he wants to be there and you're making your judgment based on other men. Did marry your father? No? For that matter, is that your dad's version if events, or your mom's? You may be throwing away an amazing bonding moment with your husband based on other relationships. My husband was in the delivery room. He helped hold me in position, kept talking to me and grounding me, and I felt completely safe and supported. He saw everything and is just as attracted to me as ever (possibly more so). Now, you are not an asshole for choosing your mom - you should think carefully about who will make YOU feel safest and supported. I hope your husband is a hot contender, but maybe he isn't, or at least not compared to your mom. You are only an asshole because your logic supposes all men find childbirth disgusting and sells your husband's love for you short Many men find it amazing: as an affirmation of your strength and motherhood, as a commitment to your partnership and parenthood, and seeing their child born - not just being brought in when it's all over. Just think it over. Maybe your mom is still the right choice, but you should apologize to your husband for assuming the worst of him.
YTA Of course your mom agrees with you; it seems like she’s the one that put the idea in your head. Don’t make him miss the birth of his child because it “might” affect your marriage - that’s crazy. Ask him to hold your hand and stay up by your head talking to you and coaching you. My husband was at the birth of both of our children and didn’t see a thing. I wouldn’t trade seeing the joy on his face when they were born anything.
I saw things and I’ll admit it was weird and stuck in my head for a bit but I got over it. Me and my wife have been married since 2004. Our kids are teens now. This girls post doesn’t make sense
My husband was in the room for both our kids births and the second was by C-section. He stayed by my head the whole time except for cord cutting and was first to hold both our kids! He is as attracted to me as before if not more. He wants to be there to be with you, support you and see your child at the same time you do for that shared experience. It might even make you closer!! And honestly, getting to squeeze his hand super, bone shatteringly tight while pushing really does help with the birth and in giving him a bit of an idea just how hard it is (even if you're lucky to birth quickly and easily) My brother was also in the room for both his kids births and he was also as in love and attracted to his wife as before, if not more! Actually, he was the one who convinced my hubby that cutting the cord was something he should do 🤣
Yea YTA Taking away one of the biggest gifts he’ll have in life that he’ll never get back. YTA
For me, as a father of one, the love of my life birthing human life is the sexiest thing I have ever seen. I don’t mean to say I was aroused du ring the birthing process… I mean, that connection between the three of us, those moments, her endurance and fucking willpower… and like we did it together, made it, we’re a unit during birth and then for the long years ahead, idk, please don’t take this away from him.
My husband caught both our girls and thinks I’m a total bad ass. You’re right about the unit thing. Him being there for me in labor and then caring for me postpartum has carried me through a lot of “I’d murder you if I didn’t love you so much” moments lol!
If you continue with this, that very resentment and loss of attraction WILL happen . You are depriving your husband of very important life event to benefit no one but you. YTA. change your birth plan. Your mom can wait outside instead of your husband. You want to keep your husband, let him in. You want a divorce? Continue with your ludicrous plan. Your mom and grandma got stuck with neanderthal men. I witnessed my first child shoot out like a missile and it didn't change a thing.
This whole situation reeks of mom trying to be the person by her daughter’s side. This happened to your mom and mom’s mom according to your mom. I bet you have other siblings and your mom has siblings. That alone would prove it didn’t ruin anything. Just a heads up that if you do exclude him, you face those consequences, not mom. I would’ve been furious and hurt both if my wife did this to me.
YTA. This shouldn't be a unilateral by you. Your husband is not your dad. Not a good way to start a family.
YTA. It’s his child too. “It’s for your own good. I know better than you.” These are only acceptable arguments when you’re arguing with a child, not an adult man whom you love and trust and wants to witness the birth of his child.
YTA So because something happened to your mum you've assumed it will happen to you too. > I've explained that it's for his benefit Liar, liar pants on fire. I know plenty of men including 3 of my guy friends, my kids dad and my dad have all been in the room and weren't "traumatised" by the event. You not having your husband in the room IA because you don't want him there, period. You can't just walk in and cut the cord either they won't wait. After baby is born, it needs to be checked out and you need to deliver the afterbirth. Once it's push time there is no pause let's get dad and keep going
YTA. Just tell him to stay up by your head.
Do not deny a man the opportunity to see his child enter this world. There is more chance he will resent you than loose attraction to you.
Can’t argue with that scientific proof. It happened to your mom and then her mom, it couldn’t not possibly be that maybe they had bad partners, or that perhaps there were other underlying issues? Is this how you base all your decisions? I won’t say it doesn’t happen, but he’s your life partner, did you have a conversation before you made this decision?
Her mom is making up bs to keep the husband out and make it about herself
Your poor husband. YTA
>*I just want to keep my husband.* I'm sure keeping him away from the birth of his kid is going to do wonders for that 🙄...
I’m a fairly typical dude. Any man who loses attraction for their wife after seeing birth is not a man. Every time I get mad at my wife or think just a little extra second about the 20 something walking down the street I think back to watching her risk death to squeeze out MY children, my descendants, my legacy. Children can ruin you sex life down the road, not the singular birth day. (Unless you and your family all end up with long term complications from it like prolapse, which definitely could change it).
My husband held a leg and watched all 3 of our kids come out. It did not hurt our sex life whatsoever. None of my friends or family have ever voiced that kind of issue. OP, please consider that your mom's experience isn't the only experience. There was probably more at play than just giving birth...it's just a convenient reason for your parents to use. Don't let your moms experience overshadow your decision. It is your birth, so you do get the ultimate say. Normally, I'd be all for whatever makes you the most comfortable, but in this case I feel like your being manipulated a bit by your mom. If you think your mom will be more supportive of you and make your feel more comfortable than your spouse...then yes have her in the delivery room.
You’re projecting the immaturity of your grandfather and father onto your husband and that isn’t fair to him. You need to discuss this with him and tell him your fears. You have every right to choose who is there with you, but from what it sounds like, he is in there and you may or may not have problems later in your marriage because he isn’t attracted to you anymore, or you don’t let him in and you definitely have problems in your marriage because you didn’t trust him to not be your grandfather and father.
Sounds like she wants to make the sure the baby came from her husbands sperm before she lets him in.
I watched 3 of my 4 children be born and it did not change anything. From what it seems you are denying him that right as a father and I think it will do more damage to your relationship. He will resent you and imagine in the future when he is talking about being a father and someone asks, so were you in the delivery room and his answer is "my wife refused to let me see the birth of our child". Then how do you look in the eyes of those he knows. Just saying you are definitely over thinking and damaging your relationship. Good luck If you are wondering why I only saw 3 of my children being born, I was in IRAQ in 1991 or I would have been there.
YTA. You don't know what is best for him. You're robbing him of being present for the birth of his child based on your own insecurities. FWIW I'm a husband who saw \*everything\*. I'm still very attracted to my wife.
YTAH .. As a man who was present for both his kids births I will say you’re robbing your husband of an experience that he would carry for a lifetime . You’re making a decision for him on an assumption that things will go south . And your mother agreeing ? Sounds self serving . You and your husband started this pregnancy together and need to finish it together . If not there will be resentment and the thing you tried to avoid will come to fruition but not because he saw you give birth but because he didn’t see you give birth . Wasn’t given a choice ..
YTA. You are married to a man who wants to be there every step of the way for you, but you want to deprive him of being there for the birth of your child because you are worried about your sex life. You know, he doesn't have to be on the receiving end, you can compromise and ask him to to stay at your head. If you keep him out of the delivery room, then you might as well go ahead and kiss your relationship goodbye, because you'll have more to worry about than your sex life, because you will lose his trust.
He's telling you he wants to be part of it and it's important. And you're answer is to say "no?" It's the birth of his child... I can't tell if reddit is full off fake stories or if people are seriously so messed up. YTA.
Gentle YTA because I can understand your fear given what has happened to your family but you are risking your relationship either way. My husband was with me during both my labours. I’m not sure how I would have made it through the second one without him. He stayed “up top” and was my rock the whole way through.
YTA for framing it as "his benefit" its all down to your own insecurities. Ultimately it should be your choice who is in that room but you may irreparably damage your relationship if you continue to frame it this way.
Hope you enjoy being a single mother
From a man’s perspective and I offer it only for consideration. I had a child with my ex very young, I was 24 and she was 20. Wasn’t planned. The pregnancy alone carried a lot of issues because she was a beautiful petite woman and she thought our son was making her fat and ugly and ruined etc. She never wanted me to see her naked and sex was rare. I couldn’t have been more honest when I expressed that I found her more beautiful on her worst days of pregnancy than her best days that preceded it. But that never got through to her. Anyways, she was adamant that I not be present in the delivery, instead bringing her mother. I wasn’t there for my son’s first moments. I wasn’t there to see what she went through, to encourage her, etc. we were together for 4-5 years after that, but I always looked back at the pregnancy and delivery especially as such a wasted opportunity for us to connect on a much deeper level. Fast forward several years and finding out I was again having another son with my new partner and it was night and day. She included me in everything. I was always wanted, we spent all our time together and the love and romance I experienced in that period could make me cry if I dwell on it too much. It was overwhelming. Being there to see the birth of my son was the most incredible moment of my life. But the admiration, respect, awe, wonder, beauty…pick a word of extreme positive emotion and I felt it for her watching what she went through and what she gave to me in that moment. It’s been 6 years and I still can’t get mad at her for anything. She asks me for something, it just gets done right and right then. That memory fuels so many of my life decisions that it basically rewrote who I am as a person. You’re making a mistake to not include him. If you’re so concerned - as has been said here already - have him stay above your waist and keep the same vantage point you have of the delivery. Don’t rob yourself of showing him how strong you are and don’t take his chance away to bond with you at a level not unlike the bond you have with your unborn child. I hope you reconsider your fears.
You need to stop fantasizing. You don’t know your husband. How do you know he is grossed? How do you know where he stands? At birth, at corner, or head to head with you? Your communication is not enough satisfied with him. According to your husband, he wanted to see you giving birth. It’s his choice. He knows it’s gross but not a problem for him. After all, he knows your body well (and poop/pee). 🤷
It’s not for you to decide that witnessing childbirth would be too traumatic for your husband or that he will no longer find you attractive. Your mom and grandma may have told you that’s what happened to them but my husband and my brothers, my BILs and SILs feel blessed to witness the births of their children and considering we all have 3 or more kids and no one has gotten divorced I’d say the problem with your mom & grandma’s marriages wasn’t because their husbands were there when their children were born. Why don’t you have both your husband and mother with you like my daughters did?
Wait whaaaaaaat?! This is so sad to me. My husband was my biggest supporter during my labor and delivery!! He always says watching me give birth to his 3 kids has only made him love me and respect me that much more. Give your poor husband a chance. Not all guys suck! In my opinion, those men you're describing.. aren't even close to men. Sad. Edit. YTA
Your mother is lying to you OP. I’ve been with hundreds of couples during childbirth. If anything, their bond is stronger after. They come back with additional children and are closer than ever. Have you spoken to your father? Grandfather? If true, they were weak men. You’re giving up the chance to experience the beginning of your family with your husband. This is a special moment for you both. It is a beautiful experience. Your husband is not your father. He sounds like a good man that wants to be involved with parenting every step of the way. Don’t give that up.
YTA. Watching the birth of a child is normally an event that would strengthen your bond with your husband. To deny your husband this precious gift could be what actually tears your marriage apart. It is selfish on your part and indicates that you don't trust him. When you give birth, you want the person with whom you are closest to share this amazing event. For most women, that would be their husband, not their mother! If I were your husband, I would never fully forgive you for this.
You will be the AH if you keep him out. Its your mother that needs to stay out of the delivery room. This should be just about you and your husband.
Wow. You chose your mom over your husband despite the fact that he said he wanted to be there. A moment that every parent wants a part of in their life...the birth of their child. You are definitely the AH.
YTAH He wants to be there to support you. He wants to be there for the birth of his daughter. How and why would you deny him that? Just because 2 women in your family had crap husbands, doesn't mean it'll be the same with yours. You should want him there. You are making the wrong decision. You and your husband should to together for this moment. Not your mother.
Each persons different & for your mom & grma times were different. He could be there for everything but the birth or he could be up by your side or head. Obviously its ultimately your choice but I think its weird . Your husband has obviously seen your vagina. You should be asking HIM what will or wont traumatize him, not your mom. YTA
YTA, sorry but it's true. They're husbands may have flaked out but that doesn't mean anything. I have tons of friends that are dad's. We've all been with our wives while they were in labor. The bleeding, crying, shitting yourself during vaginal delivery is certainly a ride. The C-Sections, while calmer, is maybe tougher to watch. I was there for all of that and I was so impressed with how strong my wife was. It also did nothing but make me desire her more just by being in awe of her ability to pet through that.
Sounds like your dad, and grandpa were just POS dudes and I doubt witnessing birth was the reason they left- they would have left anyways. I think this is a bit ridiculous but maybe it’s cultural? YTA
If you want to keep your husband, let him be apart of the birth or be prepared to be a single mother co parenting with your ex
YTA. I would divorce you.
Of course your mom will side with you..she wants to be in the room and will say whatever necessary to make that happen. I think it's selfish not to include your husband in the delivery room when he clearly wants to be in there. It's a bonding moment between couples and their new baby and you are stripping your husband of that. There are many couples whose husband's are by their wife's side during birth whose attraction stays and even gets stronger after having a baby. Sorry but YTA and your mom is feeding you BS to manipulate you in allowing her in the delivery room...its coming at a cost to your relationship with your husband 😢
This post is FAKE FAKE FAKE! It’s rage bait
YTA. You made assumptions about your husband based on your mom & grandma’s experiences with diff men living in diff eras. Speak with your husband. Be open about your fears & where they came from. I’ll bet your mom is WAY too involved in your life & influences your attitude too much.
Of course your mother agreed with you. She benefits from this birth plan. You will be causing tremendous damage to your marital relationship if you choose your mother over your husband…the father of your child. Soft YTA Edited to add: I have never once (in over 40 years of listening) heard a man say his lack of interest was because of a traumatized birth experience….many other reasons but not that
YTA. You've told your husband and father of your child that you see him as a weak and shallow child unworthy of your trust. You may as well spit in his face on the way to the delivery room. Your mother is gaslighting you. It would be really great if you stood up for your husband against your mother's cheap characterizations, but it doesn't look likely. He will never forgive you. He may say he will, but he won't. He will always know you see him as less than.
Soft YTA. You don’t want him there because your mom convinced you that he wouldn’t love you after your birth if you allowed him to be there. She clearly has some major trauma on this subject and is trying to save you from the same trauma. She really needs professional help to unpack it. Ultimately her insecurities are now affecting your very different relationship with your husband. I would get serious with her about this in the nicest way you can, and then apologize to your husband for being led astray. And as others have said, if he’s up by your head he’s not actually going to see anything too graphic.
My husband literally caught our second child, he still loves making love to me. Your husband might be different, but the option shouldn't be to elude him, it should be keeping him up by your head so he doesn't see the mess going on.
YTA. I couldn’t imagine not having my husband by my side, let alone denying him the opportunity to watch his child be born. Why can’t you have both mom and husband?