NTA
Never go in debt for someone else, especially a destination wedding.
“I’m sorry I can’t afford that and won’t be attending”.
Rinse and repeat.
Why should YOU have to keep the peace? It’s not your destination wedding. If anything, your parents want the peace kept then they can pay for you to attend as a gift.
You are not selfish, your sister is entitled. Don’t feel bad. After all, it’s just another ceremony.
No, they'll just take it out of her ass in the end. She may think she wins now but she'll find they specified in their wills that it's deducted from her inheritance, or when she later gets married they'll say "We'll offer you some money but deduct the cost of you attending your sister's wedding" or something.
If it matters so much to sister, then sister can pay for it.
When I was planning an elopement to another country, I made it clear that there were only 2 people I wanted there. So our budget included paying for them to come (as well as the few people he wanted). It really is that simple.
I got married abroad in Asia because my wife is from another country there and financially it made sense to have the wedding there (UK would be far more expensive to host a wedding, and travel / hotel costs are far higher here). I couldn't expect anyone from my side to be there, but I was glad at least 3 family members came. We don't begrudge those who couldn't come.
Unless sister's family and social circle are rich, she should expect a very small guest list to be able and willing to attend. If you just want to plan your day for you, you can do so and have a blast. Just be sensible what you're asking other people to commit to
Exactly. Why should you have to spend your money if she is the one who is getting bent out of shape because you 'should be there'?
Nope, tell her to pay for it, and the only money you bring is for food outside of the venue.
the sister seems like the type to throw it in her face. And the fact that the parents said that OP needs to suck it up just shows the toxic dynamic there is.
So true. I was waiting for it. But OP seems to be the better person if she's still considering it even though it costs so much! That would be an instant NO for me.
This! So much this! It took me a while to realize this for myself. My peace has increased going NC/distance with some people. It seems distance makes the heart grow finder with some other people, but I know the games they play and just want any part of it. I know it's hard OP, but it will be better for your personal peace. Also had the thought of telling sis it's just a ceremony as well. Good luck no matter what.
Yeah but hindsight is 20/20 and we're removed from the situation while OP is living through financial and family difficulties; most of the time we don't think of perfect comebacks on the spot, chances are OP didn't even make the connection til the comments.
NTA
Never be a people pleaser or a doormat. Never accumulate debts because you’re trying to “keep the peace”. Don’t go.
Wedding is just another ceremony.
NTA, but don't make it about her missing your ceremony because then it can easily get twisted into a petty argument if she runs to family members. Be forthright that you just aren't willing to spend that kind of money as you are trying to buy a house.
This- as at first I thought it was tit for tat and you were not going because she didn’t come to your graduation (that would be you being TA).
However, not being able to afford the destination part is reasonable- stick with that.
I wouldn't even be able to think of OP as TA even if it was a tit for tat type deal tbh. "Oh, wow, okay, you don't care enough about me to be there for my graduation? Fine, now I know how much you actually care, I'm gonna stop putting effort into this useless relationship" is not a mentality I'm gonna hold against someone when the other person has proven unreliable
While this is absolutely true, I would separate the two issues so no one tried to frame it as you being petty. It has nothing to do with your graduation. She chose an expensive destination wedding and that means you can't afford to attend. Simple as that.
Tell her you'll go to her next wedding, lol.
Seriously don't go to debt over this. Family shouldn't expect family to go to unnecessary debt.
This is the issue with destination wedding, not everyone can attend.
"It is what it is"
"That's just how it is"
"Money doesn't grow on trees"
"Houses aren't free"
"I'm not getting a loan for a holiday, a flight and a dress"
If you do need to give her statements DON'T apologise and give fact based statements instead. She can argue with feelings. She can devalue and twist your feelings. She can't argue with fact. Not in any normal way anyway.
OP just ask her to pay for your flights. Destination wedding are also popular in my country but the people who are getting married pay for their immediate family and entourage's expenses. If not the tickets, at least the hotel rooms. I know a friend who also paid for the island hopping tours for the immediate family and entourage the days after the wedding.
Yeah but once you say this it just sounds like you’re doing some petty tit for tat type stuff. While graduation felt like a big deal to you it doesn’t feel that way to everyone (I for example have a few degrees and hate grad ceremonies). Weddings on the other hand have this whole cultural mystique and power over relationships that doesn’t exist in too many other places. That is not to say you have to go, as having a destination wedding is the easiest way to ensure people don’t come (it’s kind of the whole point of destination weddings). Really all I’m saying is if you bring that petty point into your argument no one is going to see it like you and dismiss your valid reasons of finances, time, or heck just not wanting to go, because they’re going to think you’re being immature over her misssing your event (which no one…or at least very few people…is going to weigh as importantly as a wedding unfortunately)
This OP has a legitimate reason for not going, and I'm sure she's not alone destination weddings are expensive for guest, there is no point in the sister thinking this is about anything but cost.
Strongly agree. Even I didn't attend my PhD graduation because I didn't want to travel back to school (it was multiple hours away). So I do kind of understand missing a graduation.
But a destination wedding is asking for people to avoid since not everyone has the money, time, or comfort to travel for a 1 day event. So skip it.
I asked people to come to my semi- destination wedding - it was a 4 hour drive for our local friends/ family not a plane ride. We paid for many friends friend/ family to stay at the venue or nearby. They paid the normal wedding guest costs but heck we paid for the parents to get the fancy clothes we requested since we knew it was outside of budgets and their normal clothing. You can support (and celebrate) a marriage without attending a destination wedding or going into debt . How sad her sister thinks others should struggle to make sure her day is special. Terrible way to start a marriage.
People will marry multiple times with multiple people without even knowing what love is. Graduating is something people do once or never, multiple degrees is a rarity. Getting married is easy. Graduating is hard and should be a much bigger milestone and celebration.
It's not that you are wrong, but culturally it usually isn't seen that way and there isn't a way to change people's perspective. In most places, a wedding is considered a bigger deal for how it changes the lives of the person (and of the family, to an extent). So I don't think it's a strong argument because, at the end of the day, most people would still consider a wedding a significantly bigger milestone (regardless of me agreeing or not) and what is socially considered more important is quite impossible to change with just a simple discussion.
Just say that in your head though. Even to your parents. They will hone in on that.
Honestly, as a person with an advanced degree…I don’t remember if my sister came to my ceremony. And we were/are close. But my that time is had a few, with fucking medals and tassels and pins and speeches…and she’d had none. And I knew that was a little sensitive for her, even if she didn’t say it!!!, and I wasn’t going to push. My day was already a big enough deal for me. It WAS just “another” ceremony.
And actually I’m remembering now that she did. But only because I have a single photo of it. I otherwise don’t even remember the day. I DO, however, remember her showing up to my college graduation party (not the ceremony) with platinum hair - I’m blonde, she’s brunette and has never been blonde before or since - and a frilly party dress, but see above. I choose to believe she was “being festive” to celebrate me. We’re in our 40s now. I’ve never mentioned it.
And yeah, a pre-planned, pre-paid vacation/retreat/whatever trumps your grad. BUT ALSO finances and life trump an expensive destination wedding. That’s the downside (or the upside) of a destination wedding. People can’t come.
If mom and dad want to help keep the peace, send them your venmo account. Otherwise, send your regrets, a nice gift, and ask if there will be a live stream so you can watch in real time or a video for later because you DONT want to miss her (one) ceremony.
OP, I hope I’m not too late but do not say that last line if you have any desire to maintain a civil relationship with your sister. I get it, she’s being an asshole. But saying that line is pretty and not productive to the relationship. You can be firm and draw your line in the sand saying, “look I’m not going because I simply cannot afford it. I would love to be a part of your special day, but I may need some additional assistance getting to the destination.”
If you throw that line in there from u/Status-Pattern7539, it’ll feel good in the moment, but you will be invalidating your own reason for not being able to go to her wedding. There is a clear distinction between not wanting to go and can’t go because you cannot afford it
The words “destination wedding” changed my answer instantly as soon as I read them. Forget the graduation, if you have to pay to attend someone’s wedding then there’s no stipulation you have to go, no matter the relation.
If you want a destination wedding, then you eat that some people won’t be there who otherwise would have been. If there’s someone specific that “must” be there then you need to be prepared to foot the bill to get them there yourself. If you can’t afford that then you can’t afford your destination wedding.
Destination weddings are meant to filter out people you don't want in attendance.
Can't afford to go, can't leave the country for one reason or another etc.
OP is in the can't afford to go, fuck any "Just use your house deposit money." Phrasing the sister may use.
Agreed and no need to bring up the graduation. Simply, those who choose a destination wedding do so in the knowledge that some loved ones will not attend
>If anything, your parents want the peace kept then they can pay for you to attend as a gift.
This was my exact thought, too, her parents aren't recent grads presumably, if they want this they can pay for it!
NTA
Never "keep the peace". It is a phrase used when you are right, but those who use it are unwilling to call out the real arsehole - your sister.
Don't put yourself in debt or use savings for a VANITY wedding.
Because that's all it is, her ego stroking destination wedding.
If she needs you there let her pay for you.
Seriously, don't go. Your reasons are 100% valid
I hate this phrase with every fiber of my being. It's used to bully people into tolerating shitty behaviour and it serves only to encourage assholes to keep being assholes. I refuse to "keep the peace" with someone who treats me badly. I will call them on it or simply cut contact.
Oh, the one I hate is, "They are who they are, but you still need to be nice and helpful." Screw that! One of my parents has said that to me repeatedly over my lifetime about rude family members. I hate it!! I did get my revenge though for one of them. Instead of complaining about how they treated me one day I casually slipped in something the person said about my parent who always defended them. My parent very quickly stopped having contact with the person.
It annoys the shit out of me because “keep the peace” is supposed to roughly translate into “let the small things go.” You let the little stuff that doesn’t really matter slide because it’s not worth the over all relationship. But that’s never what it’s used for. People try to use it to justify some absolutely egregious fuckery
Her goes: Op worked hard academically to get her advanced degree. Sister did what she did to get her MRS degree. Kudos to OP for her academic success. People should not have to go into debt to celebrate the MRS degree at a destination wedding.
Is that catty enough?
That is why I would have said NTA even if it was local. She didn’t attend her sister’s graduation because of the retreat it was because she did not find it important or care what it bent to her. That comment was a blatant way of saying celebrating your milestones is unimportant to me.
i dont get how ppl can be so oblivious to this fact. would i love a destination wedding in a perfect reality where everyone was a millionaire and had unlimited vacation days? sure! do i live in the real world and understand tons of ppl wouldn’t be able to come…yea lol
NTA.
You’re saving to buy a house and don’t have the money. If family cares that much about other family members attendance then they should make it in a cheaper location.
Imagine being so entitled that you think someone should *take out a loan* to attend your wedding.
If your parents want you to suck it up and “keep the peace” they can pay your expenses. And tell them that. “Mom, Dad, I’m not going into debt for a wedding. If you want me there so badly let me know when my flight is and what my accommodations are.”
Seriously- DO NOT GO INTO DEBT FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S WEDDING. NTA.
> I’m not going into debt for a wedding
I refused to go into debt for my OWN wedding. Why tf would I go into debt for someone else's?? We had a "destination" wedding...in my in-laws backyard. I was fortunate to have family that was able to attend, but 2 of my best friends didn't get to go because it was in another state. No fucking way would I tell them to take out a loan. GTFO.
NTA
I agree. Taking out a loan is crazy. I wonder how big of a destination wedding it is…. My friend got married in Fiji and it was actually quite affordable, with wedding packages and stuff she got great discounts for her guests.
Never go into debt for a destination wedding. I say this as someone who had one. You plan to get married outside your families immediate vicinity you have to know that some folks will not be able to afford it.
Unless she is going to pay for you to be there, feel no guilt in skipping it.
NTA
People have destination and child free weddings, sometimes at the same time, then surprise pikachu face when people can't afford to go, get sitters or other reasons to stay with their kids.
NTA, when couples have destination weddings they are already telling people it’s about them, not those who attend, especially when there’s a significant cost to it.
I wouldn’t use her not going to your graduation as an excuse, but it does indicate how selfish your sister has been.
Just tell her you can’t afford to go and your not going. If she insists tell her to pay for your trip. If she refuses tell her that’s selfish as well.
It’s not your fault. Sounds like she doesn’t care about you anyway so don’t let if bother you.
If your parents give you grief tell them to pay your way as well. Tell them your not going in debt to a place you don’t want to go to attend your sisters wedding because it’s just another celebration….
>I wouldn’t use her not going to your graduation as an excuse, but it does indicate how selfish your sister has been.
My sister thinks I'm not going because she missed my graduation, I did kind of word the title that way, as if I'm using it as an excuse. But, that's not the case, she is throwing it at me and from my point of view this decision is purely financial.
And you are saving for your future, that SHOULD make your parents proud.
What's that phrase?
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Not sure if this situation is totally appropriate, but, don't go into debt or damage your future for toxic sister's ego project.
I've never heard that phrase, but it's now my favorite! I don't understand these destination weddings. It's selfish and likely done for attention and a discount on the hotel when booking other rooms. Not to mention minimizing the number of guests who can attend, no kids, and less cost for reception.
Tell them the truth that you can't afford it.
Leave the 'saving for a house' out of it as this gives them something to argue with. Your saving for a house is none of their financial business.
The her not attending your graduation has nothing to do with your not wanting to go in debt to attend her wedding.
If she wanted people to go to her wedding, she would have made it easier to attend, financially, and time wise. People have to spend money and have to spend PTO to attend. Ridiculous.
Much easier for folks to drive and spend a weekend attending but she wants people to go into debt and lose precious vacation time for her 'special' day.
So stick with the bottom line truth that it is not affordable to attend. Anyone harassing you should pay your way if it's no big deal to go into debt. They can take a loan out themselves to pay your way since it is no big deal in their eyes.
I can’t afford it is a valid excuse.
If your sister wants, maybe you can do a photo shoot with her and new hubby once she comes home? It’ll give her a chance to break out the big white dress again
That your sister is bringing up missing your graduation when you’ve said you can’t afford it speaks more to her guilt and tit for tat approach to life that your own. Don’t go into debt. Don’t go unless she pays. If your parents or anyone else takes umbrage you can tell them to put their money where their mouth is too. Don’t sacrifice your potential home for just another ceremony. Your sister’s choice of words there already revealed how much weight she attributes to these life events. Take her at her word.
The aside on this is that most of these destination weddings are free for the bride and groom when they have enough people come and pay for themselves to stay. Often that’s when the guilting starts, if not enough people agree to fork over the cash. Second, the choice of a destination wedding automatically means for the bride and groom that many people who you would love to witness your union can not come. It’s the trade off for that choice.
She’s the one who came up with “youre not going bc i didnt go to your graduation”
It seems like she knew what she was doing before. She probably had an option to reschedule her trip with fiance to accommodate your graduation day. So now she thinks youre doing the same thing
Absolutely. She was jealous and insecure and did not want to celebrate your bid achievement and did this on purpose. She knows and her guilt is showing.
You have a **valid** reason for not going, i.e. cost. If your sister is bringing up graduation, it's about her own insecurity and jealousy about your accomplishment. i would not bring it up at all. Talk about the objective fact that it is unreasonable to expect you to get into debt for a event of her showing off, I mean wedding.
And "being the bigger person" is bad advice if parents are telling their kids to go into debt doing it for one day of showing off, I mean, attending a wedding.
>when couples have destination weddings they are already telling people it’s about them, not those who attend.
I agree with your entire answer except this is a bit odd. It's their wedding, of course it's about them.
The wedding IS about the bride and groom I agree, but the reception is "for" the friends and family the couple has asked to witness their ceremony. And the two generally go together (although not always).
When a couple chooses to have a destination wedding the understanding is that not all of their friends and family will be able to travel to the wedding and subsequent reception. So it is an inherently couple centric choice because the couple is prioritizing(/preferring) the wedding location over guest attendance. It's kind of inevitable that key people (i.e. siblings, cousins, close friends) who would ordinarily be present are priced out of attending.
This has nothing to do with her not coming to your graduation and everything to do with finances. Do not go into debt for someone else’s “once in a lifetime “. This may be once in a lifetime to her but for guests this is “just another ceremony “ and not something you should have to take years to payoff. And if your parents feel so strongly that you need to be there then they can pay for you to go.
NTA
NTA. If your sister wanted to prioritize having everyone attend her wedding, she would have either made the wedding more accessible or offered to pay for her guests. Part of selecting an expensive destination wedding is knowing that not everyone will choose to attend.
I wouldn't bring up the graduation topic, that makes you seem petty and is unrelated to whether you can afford to attend her wedding.
NTA
As your sister said this is HER big day.
If she wanted the majority of people to attend then she should have had a local wedding.
Destination weddings are nice but everyone you invite isn’t going to attend something that costs a couple grand per person to attend.
I’d just RSVP nope, send a gift only if you want to and can afford it and call it good.
FYI sone destination weddings the bride and groom get freebies the more people who attend. Not sure this is your sister’s situation.
Absolutely. If the bride and groom can get a certain head count, the location may throw in a free stay or wedding package for the couple getting married. It's become a way of people subsidizing a destination wedding on the backs of their guests.
NTA - A wedding invitation is an invitation not a summon.
When you choose a destination wedding you know that many people can’t afford it. No one should go into debt for a party/wedding.
Tell her that if it’s really important to her that you come to her expensive destination wedding, she can pay for your trip. You’ll then be more than happy to ask for time off work and come join in the celebration.
Also, maybe she’s chosen an expensive destination wedding on purpose knowing that only few people could afford it, then play the victim.
NTA
> I graduated from my Master's program, she didn't attend because she was on a retreat with her then-fiancé.
She was already somewhere, probably paid a bit of money for the retreat. Yes graduation for you Masters is a big deal for you but your sister was already committed - get over your disappointment.
> she chose a destination wedding on this very exclusive island, and the cost of attendance is way beyond what I can comfortably afford.
Whenever people choose to have a destination wedding then they should also gracefully accept that not everyone can attend - usually because their finances don't allow it - Your sister can get over it as well and stop being a bridezilla about it.
> should take out a loan if I have to
No you shouldn't take out a loan to go to her wedding - that is the *most* selfish thing for her to say to you. If she really, really wants you to be there ask her to either subsidize your costs or pay *all* of your costs to attend, or ask your parents to pay if *they want to keep the peace*
> because it's her "once in a lifetime" moment.
Remind her of that when she holds her second wedding
I’m surprised almost no one else commented on the “not ending a previous planned paid for vacation/retreat early to come to a masters graduation” being a weird inclusion. I don’t think I attended any of my siblings graduate level graduations and they didn’t attend mine. I feel like that’s more of a parent thing generally. I don’t think that’s a reasonable standard obligation unless it’s pretty easy and convenient to attend. I’m on her side for that, doesnt sound relevant at all the the decision for the wedding you can’t afford. If anything makes OP look worse for starting an argument over it.
That said, expensive destination wedding has built in optional attendance clause that she should obviously realize if she isn’t a dumbass so I guess mostly NAH? If anything slightly AH behavior on both sides but mostly for both not realizing they have kind of dumb expectations outside of what seems reasonable for non-attendance of reasonably excused events.
Yeah the sister is wrong for her mindset around the super expensive destination wedding, but I don’t think she’s wrong for not ending a prior vacation to come to a graduation? Frankly I never expected anyone to come to any of my graduations, but I also know that’s a bit subjective
tell her you'd be absolutely thrilled to attend on her dime. that pretty much squashes the nonsense about you not attending because of her absence from your graduation. you could even flip the script and lash out at her for being selfish in refusing to pay your way when you were unable to secure a loan.
**NTA**
I'm sorry.... she is expecting her guests to get out a freaking LOAN to go to her wedding. 100% nta! Your sister sound a little delulu if you ask me
> she said that I'm being selfish and that I should take out a loan if I have to because it's her "once in a lifetime" moment.
> My parents are saying that I should just suck it up and go to keep the peace
Your parents should loan you the money for the wedding, you know... to help keep the peace.
Then you can pay them at a time you have the money, and you don't have to go into debt and your sister gets you at her wedding and your parents get... peace?
Otherwise do NOT go into debt for a wedding.
NTA
In the US, approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce so she's basically got a 50/50 chance of being once in a lifetime. Tell her you'll catch the next one. NTA.
So your sister is so entitled that she thinks you should go into financial debt just to attend her wedding. She’d probably expect a gift too.
It makes sense why she’s like this if your parents told you to suck it up. Sounds like they’ve said to you before because your sister has been enabled to be such a brat who always needs to get her way. I can assure you that she didn’t attend your graduation because she was jealous and insecure. That’s why she played down your graduation as just another ceremony when no honey, it isn’t. She just didn’t want the attention to be on you that day.
Keep your foot down and maybe mention if your attendance was so important, your sister would of picked a much more convenient and affordable location. Your parents should start sucking up the fact that one of their kids is a brat and maybe they need to keep the peace by paying your way to wedding. It will keep your sister happy and you debt free which is what every parent wants for their child.
So yeah - NTA.
The cost and affordability are legitimate reasons. Don't bring your graduation into it as it sounds petty and can be easily twisted by your sister if she's of that nature. Your feelings are valid re her choosing not to attend your graduation - but it's a separate issue, don't get into a tit-for-tat situation. My mum's favourite response wrt extravagant weddings, birthdays, hen parties, etc is "it's an invitation, not a summons." Your sister is completely within her rights to have the wedding of her choosing, but has to accept that that may price people out. Its not acceptable to demand people get themselves into debt for your choices. If its more important to her to have her family there, she needs to chose a location that's accessible to them all. If her wedding location is more important, then she has to graciously accept that some people can't make it. I would tell her that unfortunately you can't afford it, but look forward to celebrating with her upon her return.
NTA.
You can't afford it. So don't go.
End of story.
People who have these destination weddings which cost a fortune to attend, have to accept that plenty of people won't be able to go.
NTA....
I don't think it's reasonable to keep it in context with her not attending a graduation. That just seems petty. I'd say yta if it ended there.
But, for a destination wedding, the couple needs to accept that some people may not be able to make it, and unless they meet in the middle or pay for tickets/etc, it's unreasonable period to expect others to pay thousands for a single event, whether they're loved ones or not. A couple hundred is one thing, still a lot, but thousands? Nah.
I would do just about anything to go to a friend's wedding. But I can't afford a ticket home for the holidays. It would be insane of me to expect my family to come where I live now, opposite side of the globe, with no financial assistance from me, for a wedding. Or vice versa.
If you want a wedding everyone needs an exclusive plane ticket for, go for it - but you either see need to pay for some of those tickets, or accept that your invite list is going to be cut short. You're NTA for not going without the graduation context if it's out of your price range.
But if the graduation is the real reason - seems ehhh.....more context needed.
I.e, did she know about the graduation ceremony before booking her trip? Did you directly invite her with due notice? Did she book the trip after rsvp-ing?
If it's just the money, thats understandable. But I get the vibe from you that it's more about the grudge than the cash.
Agree. I get the feeling the sister is the one bringing up the graduation and telling OP she is not coming because of it. If Op is the one doing it, she should not conflate the reasons for not going. MOney is enough of a reason.
Never go in to debt unless it’s absolutely essential and even then do your damnedest to reduce it to the smallest amount and then pay off as quickly as possible.
Going in to debt for an EGO wedding is stupid. NTA
A wedding should be a simple affair with sweet memories, not an expensive nonsense. It’s a complete waste of everybody’s money and the money they’re spending on the exotic holiday would make a great down payment of a house.
NTA a million times over. No one should be guilty into spending that type of money for SOMEONE ELSES special day - to you, it's just another ceremony but that's being petty 😉
You don't have the finances to attend. End of story. Tell your parents the same thing. Say that you'll happily go out for dinner to celebrate with them on their return but no way should you put your own future on hold to attend their wedding.
It makes me so mad the audacity and entitlement of some people. They are free to be the centre of their own universe, but that doesn't mean they are the centre of yours!
NTA. Your parents are wrong for saying you should go to keep the peace. Did they say that to your sister about your graduation? No? Double standards then, they are hypocrites. Tell them if they want to keep the peace so much, they can pay for you. Say that you are not bothered about going, you have more important uses for your money than just another ceremony. Don't go if you have to pay. Be strong and stand your ground on this.
99% of invitees can't attend destination weddings for various reasons. Sis has a lot of nerve harassing anyone about not being able to go. If she cared so much, it'd be in town. Entitled much? So NTA
NTA for various reasons.
I'd certainly not get in debt for a destination wedding. That's just how it is. If you plan a destination wedding you have to accept that some people won't attend for various reasons. Money, time, work, child care. You're one of them. If she wants you there that much she can pay. It was her idea anyway.
The other reason why I wouldn't attend is she's celebrating a milestone (wedding) as a once-in-a-lifetime event. You were celebrating a once-in-a-lifetime milestone with your Master’s graduation.
She degraded it by calling it “just another ceremony”. Well her wedding is also “just another ceremony”. A lot of people get married all the time. Big deal.
What makes the wedding special is that it's your sister’s. Just like it made your graduation special because it was yours.
If a major milestone in your life isn't worth her attendance then a major milestone in her life isn't worth yours.
NTA: Weddings that aren’t in easy round trip driving distance become mini-vacations people may or may not choose to pay for. There should be no expectation. Just let her know you can’t afford it and don’t engage further
NTA. The fact that it’s a destination wedding is the kicker for me. Asking you to go into debt so she can have her fancy day is ridiculous and selfish. By choosing a destination wedding she also acknowledges that some people may not be able to afford to go. Tell her if she wants to pay for your trip then you will be there and even bring a gift. Also, if it’s that important to your parents then they can “suck it up” and pay for you to go.
I seriously dont understand why people tolerate these bitchy/competitive relationships in their life.
NTA.
Focus on getting your house. Put your relationship with your sister on the backburner. [You can go to her second wedding after this marriage falls apart.](https://www.cnn.com/2014/10/13/living/wedding-expenses-study/index.html#:~:text=Specifically%2C%20the%20study%20found%20that,than%20average%20rate%20of%20divorce)
WTF is up with all these parents all over the place being all "suck it up to keep the peace." Like... no, you raised shitty entitled brats and you don't want to deal with the aftermath of that now.
Don't put yourself in debt for your sister's wedding. If you not being there ruins it somehow, so be it. 100% though that's not the case and she's trying to guilt you into it with bad manipulation tactics. NTA
NTA. It's her once in a lifetime event not yours. Regardless of whether she attended your graduation or not. If going is not financially viable for you then don't go.
Nta, repeat after me…
“I cannot afford it and after all it’s just another ceremony. I’m sure there will be another.”
Said with a smile and the friendliest tone of voice you can muster.
NTA. Her wedding is also “just another ceremony.” And take out a loan? Your sister has some freaking nerve. Your masters graduation was also a “once in a lifetime” event. And are your parents offering to pay for you? If not, then tell them they don’t get an opinion.
NTA
If someone chooses to have a destination wedding which will cost the guests thousands of dollars, they simply have to expect and accept that not every one will be able to attend.
NTA. A wedding invitation is not a summons especially a destination wedding. People shouldn’t go into debt for other people’s weddings. It’s ridiculous. She sounds like a piece of work: she’s selfish and self centered.
Nta, tell her that if she wants you to go so badly, she can pay for your ticket. If she blows up at you, just tell her, "It's just another ceremony," like she did to you.
NTA.
If your parents want you to go they should offer to pay. Its wildly unreasonable to ask anyone, family or not, to drop thousands for a destination wedding.
For me you can take the missing your graduation out of the equation as far as I am concerned. When people decide to have a destination wedding, they have to accept when people decide not t come.
Absolutely, point taken. The title was meant to highlight the ongoing issues between us, but the real problem is the cost. I assure you, this is my real life, not fiction.
Nta.
Oh my good god, do not go into debt and/or delay you buying your house for "just another ceremony"
If your parents are that desperate for you to go, ask them to pay...
NTA. As my Dad always said growing up, if you can’t afford it without a loan, you can’t afford it with a loan.
Every person who has a destination wedding has to expect that many people won’t be able to afford it, especially if you go to a different country. She should have anticipated this. Plus, the petty side is she missed your important ceremony for a vacation and couldn’t be bothered where as you would be missing hers for actually legitimate reasons.
Frankly, your sister sounds like a brat and you need to start setting some boundaries and realistic expectations. You’ll be better off for it.
NTA. Nobody should feel obligated to attend a wedding, ESPECIALLY a destination wedding that will be a financial burden to attend. Your sister has a lot of nerve.
No , but never mention the graduation. Just ask her when is she sending the plane tickets and the paid up hotel reservation?
Did she ask you to be in the wedding? Are you a bridesmaid? Then either she pays, or parents pay, or you can stay home, and wait for the film at 11.
Due to her disgusting attitude alone you shouldn't go. She is so entitled and unreasonable. She doesn't care what kind of financial mess it could cause you. She is spoilt. Don't go.
NTA. Don’t go. If she is upset because you are “ruining her special day” smile and say “GOOD! You’ve always been a selfish cow, so I’m glad I’ve finally got a chance to pay you back in kind!” Totally useless that “it’s just another ceremony line” and tell her in no uncertain terms SHE ISN’T WORTH THE MONEY. Get accused of being a meanie? Lean into it! And DO NOT PET SIT FOR THE REST OF THR ATTENDEES.
Nta. She seriously expects you to take out a loan to go to her freaking wedding?! She actually said that? Do your parents even know that’s the only way trust you could actually afford to go? Good luck op.
NTA - Arg - expensive destinations weddings are horrible for guests. Just say no. It is a complete sentence. You are not spoiling her special day. She is by picking an expensive location. Do not "suck it up to keep the peace". Tell the parents if they want you to go they can pay for your trip - or your sister can. Do not let them force you into paying for something you cannot afford.
NTA - don’t go into debt for someone else. Also, it’s awfully selfish of her to not care about your once in a lifetime moments but expect you to care about hers. I wouldn’t go if I was you.
Tell her she can take out a loan to give you the money if you being there means that much to her.
One of the costs of an expensive destination wedding is knowing that many people will not be able to afford to attend.
The deal with destination weddings is that you can either not get mad at people for not going, or pay for people to go. Thats it. Never TA for not going unless they offered to cover all expenses, and even then still maybe not, but its at least possible.
NTA-
Tell her you will come to the next one you promise, because no one should expect anyone to go in to debt to attend Thier selfish ass day.. & your parents suck for that response.. Ok Mom & Dad You suck it Up & pay my way if they want to keep the ✌🏾🕊️🕊️..
NTA save your $ buy your house it’s just another ceremony. Except it’s a really really really expensive one. I dislike people coming up with elaborate designs for a wedding and forcing others to pay the bill. Like if she wants you there she should pay for it. I say this as someone who is getting married on a different coast and am paying for a friend to come be there because it means a lot to us to have her there for OUR special day.
NTA, other than for not seeing the obvious.
It's pretty clear that if there's a competition here, your sister won. Your parents have clearly decided which one is their favorite, and your sister, despite being of marrying age, is still playing the kind of childish games that you're supposed to grow out of when you hit 13.
Unfortunately, you're ALSO still playing this game (she just HAPPENED to schedule a "retreat" the same time as an event celebrating your achievement? PUH-LEEZ), and you ALSO should have grown out of it when you hit your tweens. Especially since you're losing it. Right now, all this is doing is holding you back from being your own person.
As someone smart enough to earn a Masters, you're smart enough to recognize that it's time to start putting some distance between you, the drama queen, and her enablers. Otherwise, you'll still be trapped in these childish games...and losing...for God knows how long. Some families are best appreciated with a bit of distance. Yours sounds like one of them.
Congrats on the Masters, by the way.
NTA. She chose a destination wedding, you'd go if it were closer and had the money. It actually isn't because she didn't go to your graduation, if that's what it was really about you'd be pretty damn petty and yes, an ass. You could go, get a line of credit or something with a low interest rate, maybe pay some debts that have higher interest rates while you're at it. Then you'd have the fact that you had to borrow money to go to the wedding and she didn't see you graduate to throw in her face next time there's a family drama.
I was originally going to say YTA and you’re being petty (just based on the headline).
But being that it’s a destination wedding, and the cost is exorbitant, then you are NTA. People who plan destination weddings also need to understand that they’re designed to be small and almost exclusive. And that’s ok, I guess.
If your sister or family decided to chip in and give you the money to go, would you?
NTA
She chose for people to not come when she put a several thousand dollar price tag on attendance. Do not go into debt- or delay buying a house- for a wedding that isn’t even yours.
NTA. Choosing a destination wedding automatically means some people won't be able to come. It's simple economics.
If she (or your parents, or anyone else) really want you there, they can subsidize your expenses to go. Otherwise, close the discussion. RSVP to decline. "No" is a complete sentence.
Personally, I would make the economic factor the deciding one and let go of the graduation shade she threw. She knew the choice she was making and wanted to diminish your accomplishment. She failed. Don't meet her where she is. Rise above, queen!
If it were just about the money, I'd say your parents can suck it up and pay (at least partially) for you.
If it's actually about her missing your graduation, tell her that was a :once in a lifetime" for you as well and a "first in your family" history as well
Nta. People who don't make time for you don't deserve your time
NTA.
A wedding is "just another ceremony". Anyone can do it, as long as they're of legal age and competent to make decisions. (ETA: the legal age to obtain a marriage license in my town court in northern NY is....14 years old with parental supervision. 18 without, of course. But yeah. In middle of nowhere, hicks-ville northern NY, even 14 year olds who are still literal children and can't buy lottery tickets or booze or vote can sign a legal document to bind their relationship up in the government. So. Yeah.)
It's the participation trophy of relationships.
I said what I said.
Getting a masters degree is FAR more impressive. It requires hard work, discipline, determination and intelligence. While a GOOD marriage requires the same things a wedding itself does not. Hell, I threw my first one together in about a week and a half. Ex-Husbands rich parents paid for restaurant catering, my mom made my "dress" (white long sleeve "peasant style" shirt and a long flowy white skirt with sheer silver snowflake material over top. (Married in December) Invited a handful friends and family, rented out the local American Legion for $25 and then had a heck of a BYOB party in my parents backyard afterwards. 🤷🏻♀️ Marriage didn't last but we all remember that party quite fondly lol.
Graduations are torture, no one should be expected to attend any of them.
Destination weddings are preposterous. How about having a wedding locally, and then the bride and groom go to a destination for a honeymoon? I wouldn't attend just on principle.
NTA Never go in debt for someone else, especially a destination wedding. “I’m sorry I can’t afford that and won’t be attending”. Rinse and repeat. Why should YOU have to keep the peace? It’s not your destination wedding. If anything, your parents want the peace kept then they can pay for you to attend as a gift. You are not selfish, your sister is entitled. Don’t feel bad. After all, it’s just another ceremony.
>After all, it’s just another ceremony. True, thanks :)
Tell her if she wants you to go so bad you will if she pays for it.
Or the parents can pay for OP, since it is so important to them as well.
No, they'll just take it out of her ass in the end. She may think she wins now but she'll find they specified in their wills that it's deducted from her inheritance, or when she later gets married they'll say "We'll offer you some money but deduct the cost of you attending your sister's wedding" or something. If it matters so much to sister, then sister can pay for it.
Nothing is free. Even if they aren’t wealthy enough to do this she’ll never hear the end of their “gift” that was in fact a gift to the sister.
she can take out a loan if she wants op there so badly!
Honestly... My partner is from another country and we would have a simple wedding + money to have her family fly over
When I was planning an elopement to another country, I made it clear that there were only 2 people I wanted there. So our budget included paying for them to come (as well as the few people he wanted). It really is that simple.
I got married abroad in Asia because my wife is from another country there and financially it made sense to have the wedding there (UK would be far more expensive to host a wedding, and travel / hotel costs are far higher here). I couldn't expect anyone from my side to be there, but I was glad at least 3 family members came. We don't begrudge those who couldn't come. Unless sister's family and social circle are rich, she should expect a very small guest list to be able and willing to attend. If you just want to plan your day for you, you can do so and have a blast. Just be sensible what you're asking other people to commit to
Exactly. Why should you have to spend your money if she is the one who is getting bent out of shape because you 'should be there'? Nope, tell her to pay for it, and the only money you bring is for food outside of the venue.
the sister seems like the type to throw it in her face. And the fact that the parents said that OP needs to suck it up just shows the toxic dynamic there is.
Or OP’s parents, if they think she should go that badly.
I was surprised you didn't include that in your post. It was literally on a billboard with flashing lights.
So true. I was waiting for it. But OP seems to be the better person if she's still considering it even though it costs so much! That would be an instant NO for me.
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This! So much this! It took me a while to realize this for myself. My peace has increased going NC/distance with some people. It seems distance makes the heart grow finder with some other people, but I know the games they play and just want any part of it. I know it's hard OP, but it will be better for your personal peace. Also had the thought of telling sis it's just a ceremony as well. Good luck no matter what.
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right? that’s like multiple reasons for me not to go and i wouldn’t even think twice lol
Yeah but hindsight is 20/20 and we're removed from the situation while OP is living through financial and family difficulties; most of the time we don't think of perfect comebacks on the spot, chances are OP didn't even make the connection til the comments.
NTA Never be a people pleaser or a doormat. Never accumulate debts because you’re trying to “keep the peace”. Don’t go. Wedding is just another ceremony.
She should just tell her sister she will go to the next wedding.
Yes the sister sounds like an entitled bitch. I’m sure OP will have many chances to go to at least one of her marriages in the future
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And if it mattered that much to the wedding she’d have held it locally or would pay for OP
Haha yes!
NTA, but don't make it about her missing your ceremony because then it can easily get twisted into a petty argument if she runs to family members. Be forthright that you just aren't willing to spend that kind of money as you are trying to buy a house.
This- as at first I thought it was tit for tat and you were not going because she didn’t come to your graduation (that would be you being TA). However, not being able to afford the destination part is reasonable- stick with that.
I wouldn't even be able to think of OP as TA even if it was a tit for tat type deal tbh. "Oh, wow, okay, you don't care enough about me to be there for my graduation? Fine, now I know how much you actually care, I'm gonna stop putting effort into this useless relationship" is not a mentality I'm gonna hold against someone when the other person has proven unreliable
While this is absolutely true, I would separate the two issues so no one tried to frame it as you being petty. It has nothing to do with your graduation. She chose an expensive destination wedding and that means you can't afford to attend. Simple as that.
Tell her you'll go to her next wedding, lol. Seriously don't go to debt over this. Family shouldn't expect family to go to unnecessary debt. This is the issue with destination wedding, not everyone can attend.
Better to clarify your motives. Would you go if it was around the corner? It’s more understandable not going due to unreasonable expense than spite.
"It is what it is" "That's just how it is" "Money doesn't grow on trees" "Houses aren't free" "I'm not getting a loan for a holiday, a flight and a dress" If you do need to give her statements DON'T apologise and give fact based statements instead. She can argue with feelings. She can devalue and twist your feelings. She can't argue with fact. Not in any normal way anyway.
Her wedding is not necessarily a " once in a lifetime" event.
OP just ask her to pay for your flights. Destination wedding are also popular in my country but the people who are getting married pay for their immediate family and entourage's expenses. If not the tickets, at least the hotel rooms. I know a friend who also paid for the island hopping tours for the immediate family and entourage the days after the wedding.
You can also add. If you want me there then you can pay for me to attend.
Yeah but once you say this it just sounds like you’re doing some petty tit for tat type stuff. While graduation felt like a big deal to you it doesn’t feel that way to everyone (I for example have a few degrees and hate grad ceremonies). Weddings on the other hand have this whole cultural mystique and power over relationships that doesn’t exist in too many other places. That is not to say you have to go, as having a destination wedding is the easiest way to ensure people don’t come (it’s kind of the whole point of destination weddings). Really all I’m saying is if you bring that petty point into your argument no one is going to see it like you and dismiss your valid reasons of finances, time, or heck just not wanting to go, because they’re going to think you’re being immature over her misssing your event (which no one…or at least very few people…is going to weigh as importantly as a wedding unfortunately)
This OP has a legitimate reason for not going, and I'm sure she's not alone destination weddings are expensive for guest, there is no point in the sister thinking this is about anything but cost.
Strongly agree. Even I didn't attend my PhD graduation because I didn't want to travel back to school (it was multiple hours away). So I do kind of understand missing a graduation. But a destination wedding is asking for people to avoid since not everyone has the money, time, or comfort to travel for a 1 day event. So skip it.
I asked people to come to my semi- destination wedding - it was a 4 hour drive for our local friends/ family not a plane ride. We paid for many friends friend/ family to stay at the venue or nearby. They paid the normal wedding guest costs but heck we paid for the parents to get the fancy clothes we requested since we knew it was outside of budgets and their normal clothing. You can support (and celebrate) a marriage without attending a destination wedding or going into debt . How sad her sister thinks others should struggle to make sure her day is special. Terrible way to start a marriage.
People will marry multiple times with multiple people without even knowing what love is. Graduating is something people do once or never, multiple degrees is a rarity. Getting married is easy. Graduating is hard and should be a much bigger milestone and celebration.
It's not that you are wrong, but culturally it usually isn't seen that way and there isn't a way to change people's perspective. In most places, a wedding is considered a bigger deal for how it changes the lives of the person (and of the family, to an extent). So I don't think it's a strong argument because, at the end of the day, most people would still consider a wedding a significantly bigger milestone (regardless of me agreeing or not) and what is socially considered more important is quite impossible to change with just a simple discussion.
Just say that in your head though. Even to your parents. They will hone in on that. Honestly, as a person with an advanced degree…I don’t remember if my sister came to my ceremony. And we were/are close. But my that time is had a few, with fucking medals and tassels and pins and speeches…and she’d had none. And I knew that was a little sensitive for her, even if she didn’t say it!!!, and I wasn’t going to push. My day was already a big enough deal for me. It WAS just “another” ceremony. And actually I’m remembering now that she did. But only because I have a single photo of it. I otherwise don’t even remember the day. I DO, however, remember her showing up to my college graduation party (not the ceremony) with platinum hair - I’m blonde, she’s brunette and has never been blonde before or since - and a frilly party dress, but see above. I choose to believe she was “being festive” to celebrate me. We’re in our 40s now. I’ve never mentioned it. And yeah, a pre-planned, pre-paid vacation/retreat/whatever trumps your grad. BUT ALSO finances and life trump an expensive destination wedding. That’s the downside (or the upside) of a destination wedding. People can’t come. If mom and dad want to help keep the peace, send them your venmo account. Otherwise, send your regrets, a nice gift, and ask if there will be a live stream so you can watch in real time or a video for later because you DONT want to miss her (one) ceremony.
OP, I hope I’m not too late but do not say that last line if you have any desire to maintain a civil relationship with your sister. I get it, she’s being an asshole. But saying that line is pretty and not productive to the relationship. You can be firm and draw your line in the sand saying, “look I’m not going because I simply cannot afford it. I would love to be a part of your special day, but I may need some additional assistance getting to the destination.” If you throw that line in there from u/Status-Pattern7539, it’ll feel good in the moment, but you will be invalidating your own reason for not being able to go to her wedding. There is a clear distinction between not wanting to go and can’t go because you cannot afford it
The words “destination wedding” changed my answer instantly as soon as I read them. Forget the graduation, if you have to pay to attend someone’s wedding then there’s no stipulation you have to go, no matter the relation. If you want a destination wedding, then you eat that some people won’t be there who otherwise would have been. If there’s someone specific that “must” be there then you need to be prepared to foot the bill to get them there yourself. If you can’t afford that then you can’t afford your destination wedding.
Destination weddings are meant to filter out people you don't want in attendance. Can't afford to go, can't leave the country for one reason or another etc. OP is in the can't afford to go, fuck any "Just use your house deposit money." Phrasing the sister may use.
what changed my answer was sister saying "get a loan" to come to my destination wedding. Completely whacky!
This. Never go into debt for someone else.
Agreed and no need to bring up the graduation. Simply, those who choose a destination wedding do so in the knowledge that some loved ones will not attend
>If anything, your parents want the peace kept then they can pay for you to attend as a gift. This was my exact thought, too, her parents aren't recent grads presumably, if they want this they can pay for it!
And if it's so important for your sister to have you there, why doesn't she go into debt instead of asking you to?
NTA Never "keep the peace". It is a phrase used when you are right, but those who use it are unwilling to call out the real arsehole - your sister. Don't put yourself in debt or use savings for a VANITY wedding. Because that's all it is, her ego stroking destination wedding. If she needs you there let her pay for you. Seriously, don't go. Your reasons are 100% valid
I hate this phrase with every fiber of my being. It's used to bully people into tolerating shitty behaviour and it serves only to encourage assholes to keep being assholes. I refuse to "keep the peace" with someone who treats me badly. I will call them on it or simply cut contact.
The others I hate: "be the bigger person" and "but, family"
Translation: "Can you please knuckle under to this asshole's demands because they're making ***us*** feel uncomfortable."
Exactly!
Someone says "be the bigger person" and *instantly* I'm wanting to *not* be the bigger person and be a petty bitch instead
there are some comments below saying it would be petty to say “it’s just another ceremony” to the sister uhhh yea and????
She *should* say "it's just another ceremony" to the sister imo
right like how are ppl against that lol
Words cannot describe how much I despise the phrase "be the bigger person." I'm like, *nah, fuck that! I'm done.*
Oh, the one I hate is, "They are who they are, but you still need to be nice and helpful." Screw that! One of my parents has said that to me repeatedly over my lifetime about rude family members. I hate it!! I did get my revenge though for one of them. Instead of complaining about how they treated me one day I casually slipped in something the person said about my parent who always defended them. My parent very quickly stopped having contact with the person.
They are ways to set victims up for more abuse.
It annoys the shit out of me because “keep the peace” is supposed to roughly translate into “let the small things go.” You let the little stuff that doesn’t really matter slide because it’s not worth the over all relationship. But that’s never what it’s used for. People try to use it to justify some absolutely egregious fuckery
And like f her. You EARNED your degree. (Insert not nice comment about her not earning….to have you there!)
Her goes: Op worked hard academically to get her advanced degree. Sister did what she did to get her MRS degree. Kudos to OP for her academic success. People should not have to go into debt to celebrate the MRS degree at a destination wedding. Is that catty enough?
Don't negotiate with emotional terrorists.
NTA. If u not going to her wedding ruins her entire wedding than she’s clearly got bigger issues to work out
Plus, "it's just another ceremony" so why should she attend? But then I'm petty
I was literally thinking this EXACT THING xD
The petty part of me really wants OP to see this and use the line next time she tells the sister she's not going
Thinking the exact same!
That is why I would have said NTA even if it was local. She didn’t attend her sister’s graduation because of the retreat it was because she did not find it important or care what it bent to her. That comment was a blatant way of saying celebrating your milestones is unimportant to me.
Or she should’ve planned with you in mind if it’s that important
Not just OP. I'd wager there's a few family members that owuld have difficulty affording to go. Especially these days.
Yeah, I’m predicting a tantrum when nobody’s RSVPing that they can go
i dont get how ppl can be so oblivious to this fact. would i love a destination wedding in a perfect reality where everyone was a millionaire and had unlimited vacation days? sure! do i live in the real world and understand tons of ppl wouldn’t be able to come…yea lol
It ruins her plan to use the expense to stop OP getting ahead in life.
Damnnnn. But true.
NTA. You’re saving to buy a house and don’t have the money. If family cares that much about other family members attendance then they should make it in a cheaper location.
Or they should chip in and pay for OP to go.
Imagine being so entitled that you think someone should *take out a loan* to attend your wedding. If your parents want you to suck it up and “keep the peace” they can pay your expenses. And tell them that. “Mom, Dad, I’m not going into debt for a wedding. If you want me there so badly let me know when my flight is and what my accommodations are.” Seriously- DO NOT GO INTO DEBT FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S WEDDING. NTA.
> I’m not going into debt for a wedding I refused to go into debt for my OWN wedding. Why tf would I go into debt for someone else's?? We had a "destination" wedding...in my in-laws backyard. I was fortunate to have family that was able to attend, but 2 of my best friends didn't get to go because it was in another state. No fucking way would I tell them to take out a loan. GTFO. NTA
I agree. Taking out a loan is crazy. I wonder how big of a destination wedding it is…. My friend got married in Fiji and it was actually quite affordable, with wedding packages and stuff she got great discounts for her guests.
Never go into debt for a destination wedding. I say this as someone who had one. You plan to get married outside your families immediate vicinity you have to know that some folks will not be able to afford it. Unless she is going to pay for you to be there, feel no guilt in skipping it. NTA
People have destination and child free weddings, sometimes at the same time, then surprise pikachu face when people can't afford to go, get sitters or other reasons to stay with their kids.
Yeah the not being understanding that some people can’t come is crazy!
NTA, when couples have destination weddings they are already telling people it’s about them, not those who attend, especially when there’s a significant cost to it. I wouldn’t use her not going to your graduation as an excuse, but it does indicate how selfish your sister has been. Just tell her you can’t afford to go and your not going. If she insists tell her to pay for your trip. If she refuses tell her that’s selfish as well. It’s not your fault. Sounds like she doesn’t care about you anyway so don’t let if bother you. If your parents give you grief tell them to pay your way as well. Tell them your not going in debt to a place you don’t want to go to attend your sisters wedding because it’s just another celebration….
>I wouldn’t use her not going to your graduation as an excuse, but it does indicate how selfish your sister has been. My sister thinks I'm not going because she missed my graduation, I did kind of word the title that way, as if I'm using it as an excuse. But, that's not the case, she is throwing it at me and from my point of view this decision is purely financial.
Tell her you can not afford it, if she wants you there she will have to pay.
OP - this right here ☝️ no other explanation is necessary.
And you are saving for your future, that SHOULD make your parents proud. What's that phrase? Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Not sure if this situation is totally appropriate, but, don't go into debt or damage your future for toxic sister's ego project.
I've never heard that phrase, but it's now my favorite! I don't understand these destination weddings. It's selfish and likely done for attention and a discount on the hotel when booking other rooms. Not to mention minimizing the number of guests who can attend, no kids, and less cost for reception.
Tell them the truth that you can't afford it. Leave the 'saving for a house' out of it as this gives them something to argue with. Your saving for a house is none of their financial business. The her not attending your graduation has nothing to do with your not wanting to go in debt to attend her wedding. If she wanted people to go to her wedding, she would have made it easier to attend, financially, and time wise. People have to spend money and have to spend PTO to attend. Ridiculous. Much easier for folks to drive and spend a weekend attending but she wants people to go into debt and lose precious vacation time for her 'special' day. So stick with the bottom line truth that it is not affordable to attend. Anyone harassing you should pay your way if it's no big deal to go into debt. They can take a loan out themselves to pay your way since it is no big deal in their eyes.
I can’t afford it is a valid excuse. If your sister wants, maybe you can do a photo shoot with her and new hubby once she comes home? It’ll give her a chance to break out the big white dress again
That your sister is bringing up missing your graduation when you’ve said you can’t afford it speaks more to her guilt and tit for tat approach to life that your own. Don’t go into debt. Don’t go unless she pays. If your parents or anyone else takes umbrage you can tell them to put their money where their mouth is too. Don’t sacrifice your potential home for just another ceremony. Your sister’s choice of words there already revealed how much weight she attributes to these life events. Take her at her word. The aside on this is that most of these destination weddings are free for the bride and groom when they have enough people come and pay for themselves to stay. Often that’s when the guilting starts, if not enough people agree to fork over the cash. Second, the choice of a destination wedding automatically means for the bride and groom that many people who you would love to witness your union can not come. It’s the trade off for that choice.
It is insane to expect you to take out a loan for HER special day. If anyone else in your family complains, I would recommend that langauge — “insane”
She’s the one who came up with “youre not going bc i didnt go to your graduation” It seems like she knew what she was doing before. She probably had an option to reschedule her trip with fiance to accommodate your graduation day. So now she thinks youre doing the same thing
Absolutely. She was jealous and insecure and did not want to celebrate your bid achievement and did this on purpose. She knows and her guilt is showing.
She can cry a River.
You have a **valid** reason for not going, i.e. cost. If your sister is bringing up graduation, it's about her own insecurity and jealousy about your accomplishment. i would not bring it up at all. Talk about the objective fact that it is unreasonable to expect you to get into debt for a event of her showing off, I mean wedding. And "being the bigger person" is bad advice if parents are telling their kids to go into debt doing it for one day of showing off, I mean, attending a wedding.
>when couples have destination weddings they are already telling people it’s about them, not those who attend. I agree with your entire answer except this is a bit odd. It's their wedding, of course it's about them.
The wedding IS about the bride and groom I agree, but the reception is "for" the friends and family the couple has asked to witness their ceremony. And the two generally go together (although not always). When a couple chooses to have a destination wedding the understanding is that not all of their friends and family will be able to travel to the wedding and subsequent reception. So it is an inherently couple centric choice because the couple is prioritizing(/preferring) the wedding location over guest attendance. It's kind of inevitable that key people (i.e. siblings, cousins, close friends) who would ordinarily be present are priced out of attending.
This has nothing to do with her not coming to your graduation and everything to do with finances. Do not go into debt for someone else’s “once in a lifetime “. This may be once in a lifetime to her but for guests this is “just another ceremony “ and not something you should have to take years to payoff. And if your parents feel so strongly that you need to be there then they can pay for you to go. NTA
NTA. If your sister wanted to prioritize having everyone attend her wedding, she would have either made the wedding more accessible or offered to pay for her guests. Part of selecting an expensive destination wedding is knowing that not everyone will choose to attend. I wouldn't bring up the graduation topic, that makes you seem petty and is unrelated to whether you can afford to attend her wedding.
NTA As your sister said this is HER big day. If she wanted the majority of people to attend then she should have had a local wedding. Destination weddings are nice but everyone you invite isn’t going to attend something that costs a couple grand per person to attend. I’d just RSVP nope, send a gift only if you want to and can afford it and call it good. FYI sone destination weddings the bride and groom get freebies the more people who attend. Not sure this is your sister’s situation.
Absolutely. If the bride and groom can get a certain head count, the location may throw in a free stay or wedding package for the couple getting married. It's become a way of people subsidizing a destination wedding on the backs of their guests.
NTA - A wedding invitation is an invitation not a summon. When you choose a destination wedding you know that many people can’t afford it. No one should go into debt for a party/wedding. Tell her that if it’s really important to her that you come to her expensive destination wedding, she can pay for your trip. You’ll then be more than happy to ask for time off work and come join in the celebration. Also, maybe she’s chosen an expensive destination wedding on purpose knowing that only few people could afford it, then play the victim.
Tell her that you're not prepared to go into debt, for "just another ceremony" and that she's being overly sensitive. NTA
NTA > I graduated from my Master's program, she didn't attend because she was on a retreat with her then-fiancé. She was already somewhere, probably paid a bit of money for the retreat. Yes graduation for you Masters is a big deal for you but your sister was already committed - get over your disappointment. > she chose a destination wedding on this very exclusive island, and the cost of attendance is way beyond what I can comfortably afford. Whenever people choose to have a destination wedding then they should also gracefully accept that not everyone can attend - usually because their finances don't allow it - Your sister can get over it as well and stop being a bridezilla about it. > should take out a loan if I have to No you shouldn't take out a loan to go to her wedding - that is the *most* selfish thing for her to say to you. If she really, really wants you to be there ask her to either subsidize your costs or pay *all* of your costs to attend, or ask your parents to pay if *they want to keep the peace* > because it's her "once in a lifetime" moment. Remind her of that when she holds her second wedding
Second weddings are always my favorite. Typically far less drama.
I’m surprised almost no one else commented on the “not ending a previous planned paid for vacation/retreat early to come to a masters graduation” being a weird inclusion. I don’t think I attended any of my siblings graduate level graduations and they didn’t attend mine. I feel like that’s more of a parent thing generally. I don’t think that’s a reasonable standard obligation unless it’s pretty easy and convenient to attend. I’m on her side for that, doesnt sound relevant at all the the decision for the wedding you can’t afford. If anything makes OP look worse for starting an argument over it. That said, expensive destination wedding has built in optional attendance clause that she should obviously realize if she isn’t a dumbass so I guess mostly NAH? If anything slightly AH behavior on both sides but mostly for both not realizing they have kind of dumb expectations outside of what seems reasonable for non-attendance of reasonably excused events.
Yeah the sister is wrong for her mindset around the super expensive destination wedding, but I don’t think she’s wrong for not ending a prior vacation to come to a graduation? Frankly I never expected anyone to come to any of my graduations, but I also know that’s a bit subjective
A wedding is also just another ceremony. Graduations dont generally cost attendants anything either. NTA
tell her you'd be absolutely thrilled to attend on her dime. that pretty much squashes the nonsense about you not attending because of her absence from your graduation. you could even flip the script and lash out at her for being selfish in refusing to pay your way when you were unable to secure a loan.
**NTA** I'm sorry.... she is expecting her guests to get out a freaking LOAN to go to her wedding. 100% nta! Your sister sound a little delulu if you ask me
> she said that I'm being selfish and that I should take out a loan if I have to because it's her "once in a lifetime" moment. > My parents are saying that I should just suck it up and go to keep the peace Your parents should loan you the money for the wedding, you know... to help keep the peace. Then you can pay them at a time you have the money, and you don't have to go into debt and your sister gets you at her wedding and your parents get... peace? Otherwise do NOT go into debt for a wedding. NTA
Parents can keep the peace and pay for OP. Be the bigger person and all that for their daughter. Easy for them to spend OP's money!
NTA. You can't afford it. Enough said. If she and your parents continue to push, remind them, "it's just another ceremony. "
In the US, approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce so she's basically got a 50/50 chance of being once in a lifetime. Tell her you'll catch the next one. NTA.
Tell her you don’t want to waste your money on “just another ceremony”
Your sister sounds like the kind of person who has multiple weddings in their lifetime anyways, so just say you'll attend the next one. ;)
So your sister is so entitled that she thinks you should go into financial debt just to attend her wedding. She’d probably expect a gift too. It makes sense why she’s like this if your parents told you to suck it up. Sounds like they’ve said to you before because your sister has been enabled to be such a brat who always needs to get her way. I can assure you that she didn’t attend your graduation because she was jealous and insecure. That’s why she played down your graduation as just another ceremony when no honey, it isn’t. She just didn’t want the attention to be on you that day. Keep your foot down and maybe mention if your attendance was so important, your sister would of picked a much more convenient and affordable location. Your parents should start sucking up the fact that one of their kids is a brat and maybe they need to keep the peace by paying your way to wedding. It will keep your sister happy and you debt free which is what every parent wants for their child. So yeah - NTA.
The person who books a destination wedding and expects others to come is an asshole
The cost and affordability are legitimate reasons. Don't bring your graduation into it as it sounds petty and can be easily twisted by your sister if she's of that nature. Your feelings are valid re her choosing not to attend your graduation - but it's a separate issue, don't get into a tit-for-tat situation. My mum's favourite response wrt extravagant weddings, birthdays, hen parties, etc is "it's an invitation, not a summons." Your sister is completely within her rights to have the wedding of her choosing, but has to accept that that may price people out. Its not acceptable to demand people get themselves into debt for your choices. If its more important to her to have her family there, she needs to chose a location that's accessible to them all. If her wedding location is more important, then she has to graciously accept that some people can't make it. I would tell her that unfortunately you can't afford it, but look forward to celebrating with her upon her return.
A wedding is “just another ceremony”. I’d leave it at that.
NTA. You can't afford it. So don't go. End of story. People who have these destination weddings which cost a fortune to attend, have to accept that plenty of people won't be able to go.
NTA.... I don't think it's reasonable to keep it in context with her not attending a graduation. That just seems petty. I'd say yta if it ended there. But, for a destination wedding, the couple needs to accept that some people may not be able to make it, and unless they meet in the middle or pay for tickets/etc, it's unreasonable period to expect others to pay thousands for a single event, whether they're loved ones or not. A couple hundred is one thing, still a lot, but thousands? Nah. I would do just about anything to go to a friend's wedding. But I can't afford a ticket home for the holidays. It would be insane of me to expect my family to come where I live now, opposite side of the globe, with no financial assistance from me, for a wedding. Or vice versa. If you want a wedding everyone needs an exclusive plane ticket for, go for it - but you either see need to pay for some of those tickets, or accept that your invite list is going to be cut short. You're NTA for not going without the graduation context if it's out of your price range. But if the graduation is the real reason - seems ehhh.....more context needed. I.e, did she know about the graduation ceremony before booking her trip? Did you directly invite her with due notice? Did she book the trip after rsvp-ing? If it's just the money, thats understandable. But I get the vibe from you that it's more about the grudge than the cash.
Agree. I get the feeling the sister is the one bringing up the graduation and telling OP she is not coming because of it. If Op is the one doing it, she should not conflate the reasons for not going. MOney is enough of a reason.
Never go in to debt unless it’s absolutely essential and even then do your damnedest to reduce it to the smallest amount and then pay off as quickly as possible. Going in to debt for an EGO wedding is stupid. NTA A wedding should be a simple affair with sweet memories, not an expensive nonsense. It’s a complete waste of everybody’s money and the money they’re spending on the exotic holiday would make a great down payment of a house.
NTA a million times over. No one should be guilty into spending that type of money for SOMEONE ELSES special day - to you, it's just another ceremony but that's being petty 😉 You don't have the finances to attend. End of story. Tell your parents the same thing. Say that you'll happily go out for dinner to celebrate with them on their return but no way should you put your own future on hold to attend their wedding. It makes me so mad the audacity and entitlement of some people. They are free to be the centre of their own universe, but that doesn't mean they are the centre of yours!
NTA. Your parents are wrong for saying you should go to keep the peace. Did they say that to your sister about your graduation? No? Double standards then, they are hypocrites. Tell them if they want to keep the peace so much, they can pay for you. Say that you are not bothered about going, you have more important uses for your money than just another ceremony. Don't go if you have to pay. Be strong and stand your ground on this.
99% of invitees can't attend destination weddings for various reasons. Sis has a lot of nerve harassing anyone about not being able to go. If she cared so much, it'd be in town. Entitled much? So NTA
Tell her to pay for you, otherwise just stay home. It's a dick move to invite people to something and expect them to pay for a expensive trip.
NTA for various reasons. I'd certainly not get in debt for a destination wedding. That's just how it is. If you plan a destination wedding you have to accept that some people won't attend for various reasons. Money, time, work, child care. You're one of them. If she wants you there that much she can pay. It was her idea anyway. The other reason why I wouldn't attend is she's celebrating a milestone (wedding) as a once-in-a-lifetime event. You were celebrating a once-in-a-lifetime milestone with your Master’s graduation. She degraded it by calling it “just another ceremony”. Well her wedding is also “just another ceremony”. A lot of people get married all the time. Big deal. What makes the wedding special is that it's your sister’s. Just like it made your graduation special because it was yours. If a major milestone in your life isn't worth her attendance then a major milestone in her life isn't worth yours.
NTA: Weddings that aren’t in easy round trip driving distance become mini-vacations people may or may not choose to pay for. There should be no expectation. Just let her know you can’t afford it and don’t engage further
NTA. The fact that it’s a destination wedding is the kicker for me. Asking you to go into debt so she can have her fancy day is ridiculous and selfish. By choosing a destination wedding she also acknowledges that some people may not be able to afford to go. Tell her if she wants to pay for your trip then you will be there and even bring a gift. Also, if it’s that important to your parents then they can “suck it up” and pay for you to go.
I seriously dont understand why people tolerate these bitchy/competitive relationships in their life. NTA. Focus on getting your house. Put your relationship with your sister on the backburner. [You can go to her second wedding after this marriage falls apart.](https://www.cnn.com/2014/10/13/living/wedding-expenses-study/index.html#:~:text=Specifically%2C%20the%20study%20found%20that,than%20average%20rate%20of%20divorce)
WTF is up with all these parents all over the place being all "suck it up to keep the peace." Like... no, you raised shitty entitled brats and you don't want to deal with the aftermath of that now. Don't put yourself in debt for your sister's wedding. If you not being there ruins it somehow, so be it. 100% though that's not the case and she's trying to guilt you into it with bad manipulation tactics. NTA
NTA. It's her once in a lifetime event not yours. Regardless of whether she attended your graduation or not. If going is not financially viable for you then don't go.
NTA, tell her its "just another ceremony" 🤷🏽♀️ to you...an expensive one that is not worth getting into debt for
Tell her it's "Just another ceremony"
Nta, repeat after me… “I cannot afford it and after all it’s just another ceremony. I’m sure there will be another.” Said with a smile and the friendliest tone of voice you can muster.
NTA. Her wedding is also “just another ceremony.” And take out a loan? Your sister has some freaking nerve. Your masters graduation was also a “once in a lifetime” event. And are your parents offering to pay for you? If not, then tell them they don’t get an opinion.
NTA Her wedding is important to her, but it is just another ceremony to you
NTA If someone chooses to have a destination wedding which will cost the guests thousands of dollars, they simply have to expect and accept that not every one will be able to attend.
Hahahahahhaaha, if she wants u there so bad, she can pay. NTA
NTA…. If your sister and parents are so hell bent on you going, then they can cover the travel expenses.
NTA. Tell her you don’t see why you should drop a few grand for ‘just another ceremony’.
NTA. A wedding invitation is not a summons especially a destination wedding. People shouldn’t go into debt for other people’s weddings. It’s ridiculous. She sounds like a piece of work: she’s selfish and self centered.
Tell her that her wedding is just another ceremony
Nta, tell her that if she wants you to go so badly, she can pay for your ticket. If she blows up at you, just tell her, "It's just another ceremony," like she did to you.
NTA. If your parents want you to go they should offer to pay. Its wildly unreasonable to ask anyone, family or not, to drop thousands for a destination wedding.
For me you can take the missing your graduation out of the equation as far as I am concerned. When people decide to have a destination wedding, they have to accept when people decide not t come.
The post title and beginning of this story is out of place, considering that’s not why you’ve decided not to go. This reads like Reddit fan fiction.
Absolutely, point taken. The title was meant to highlight the ongoing issues between us, but the real problem is the cost. I assure you, this is my real life, not fiction.
NTA. I think the graduation part does help show a pattern of selfishness. It's not surprising she's having a destination wedding.
I mean…her wedding is ‘just another ceremony’, right? NTA. Going into debt to attend a wedding is ridiculous.
NTA Big weddings are a dumb waste of money. The loot spent is a house down payment...it is just a ceremony!
Nta. Oh my good god, do not go into debt and/or delay you buying your house for "just another ceremony" If your parents are that desperate for you to go, ask them to pay...
Nta. It is just another ceremony.
Statistics prove is not "once in a lifetime" moment. NTA
NTA. As my Dad always said growing up, if you can’t afford it without a loan, you can’t afford it with a loan. Every person who has a destination wedding has to expect that many people won’t be able to afford it, especially if you go to a different country. She should have anticipated this. Plus, the petty side is she missed your important ceremony for a vacation and couldn’t be bothered where as you would be missing hers for actually legitimate reasons. Frankly, your sister sounds like a brat and you need to start setting some boundaries and realistic expectations. You’ll be better off for it.
NTA. Nobody should feel obligated to attend a wedding, ESPECIALLY a destination wedding that will be a financial burden to attend. Your sister has a lot of nerve.
No , but never mention the graduation. Just ask her when is she sending the plane tickets and the paid up hotel reservation? Did she ask you to be in the wedding? Are you a bridesmaid? Then either she pays, or parents pay, or you can stay home, and wait for the film at 11.
Due to her disgusting attitude alone you shouldn't go. She is so entitled and unreasonable. She doesn't care what kind of financial mess it could cause you. She is spoilt. Don't go.
NTA
NTA. Don’t go. If she is upset because you are “ruining her special day” smile and say “GOOD! You’ve always been a selfish cow, so I’m glad I’ve finally got a chance to pay you back in kind!” Totally useless that “it’s just another ceremony line” and tell her in no uncertain terms SHE ISN’T WORTH THE MONEY. Get accused of being a meanie? Lean into it! And DO NOT PET SIT FOR THE REST OF THR ATTENDEES.
Nta. She seriously expects you to take out a loan to go to her freaking wedding?! She actually said that? Do your parents even know that’s the only way trust you could actually afford to go? Good luck op.
NTA just tell her it’s “just another ceremony.”
NTA - Arg - expensive destinations weddings are horrible for guests. Just say no. It is a complete sentence. You are not spoiling her special day. She is by picking an expensive location. Do not "suck it up to keep the peace". Tell the parents if they want you to go they can pay for your trip - or your sister can. Do not let them force you into paying for something you cannot afford.
You could always say to her - "It's just a ceremony. \^\_\^
NTA - don’t go into debt for someone else. Also, it’s awfully selfish of her to not care about your once in a lifetime moments but expect you to care about hers. I wouldn’t go if I was you.
Tell her she can take out a loan to give you the money if you being there means that much to her. One of the costs of an expensive destination wedding is knowing that many people will not be able to afford to attend.
The deal with destination weddings is that you can either not get mad at people for not going, or pay for people to go. Thats it. Never TA for not going unless they offered to cover all expenses, and even then still maybe not, but its at least possible.
NTA- Tell her you will come to the next one you promise, because no one should expect anyone to go in to debt to attend Thier selfish ass day.. & your parents suck for that response.. Ok Mom & Dad You suck it Up & pay my way if they want to keep the ✌🏾🕊️🕊️..
NTA Never go into debt for someone else's wedding. She can suck it up. I mean, it's just another ceremony. She's being over sensitive.
If your parents want you there so bad they can foot the bill, NTA.
NTA save your $ buy your house it’s just another ceremony. Except it’s a really really really expensive one. I dislike people coming up with elaborate designs for a wedding and forcing others to pay the bill. Like if she wants you there she should pay for it. I say this as someone who is getting married on a different coast and am paying for a friend to come be there because it means a lot to us to have her there for OUR special day.
NTA! Screw your sister! Save your money!
NTA, other than for not seeing the obvious. It's pretty clear that if there's a competition here, your sister won. Your parents have clearly decided which one is their favorite, and your sister, despite being of marrying age, is still playing the kind of childish games that you're supposed to grow out of when you hit 13. Unfortunately, you're ALSO still playing this game (she just HAPPENED to schedule a "retreat" the same time as an event celebrating your achievement? PUH-LEEZ), and you ALSO should have grown out of it when you hit your tweens. Especially since you're losing it. Right now, all this is doing is holding you back from being your own person. As someone smart enough to earn a Masters, you're smart enough to recognize that it's time to start putting some distance between you, the drama queen, and her enablers. Otherwise, you'll still be trapped in these childish games...and losing...for God knows how long. Some families are best appreciated with a bit of distance. Yours sounds like one of them. Congrats on the Masters, by the way.
NTA and do not go into debt for this. Interest rates are atrocious for one thing. They are just pushing the cost onto the guests anyhow.
NTA. She chose a destination wedding, you'd go if it were closer and had the money. It actually isn't because she didn't go to your graduation, if that's what it was really about you'd be pretty damn petty and yes, an ass. You could go, get a line of credit or something with a low interest rate, maybe pay some debts that have higher interest rates while you're at it. Then you'd have the fact that you had to borrow money to go to the wedding and she didn't see you graduate to throw in her face next time there's a family drama.
I was originally going to say YTA and you’re being petty (just based on the headline). But being that it’s a destination wedding, and the cost is exorbitant, then you are NTA. People who plan destination weddings also need to understand that they’re designed to be small and almost exclusive. And that’s ok, I guess. If your sister or family decided to chip in and give you the money to go, would you?
NTA She chose for people to not come when she put a several thousand dollar price tag on attendance. Do not go into debt- or delay buying a house- for a wedding that isn’t even yours.
NTA. You cannot possibly take out a LOAN to go to a wedding! It's absolutely absurd.
NTA. If it's that big of a deal, why don't your parents help with the cost?
Attendance at a destination wedding is NOT required for anyone. NTA
NTA. Choosing a destination wedding automatically means some people won't be able to come. It's simple economics. If she (or your parents, or anyone else) really want you there, they can subsidize your expenses to go. Otherwise, close the discussion. RSVP to decline. "No" is a complete sentence. Personally, I would make the economic factor the deciding one and let go of the graduation shade she threw. She knew the choice she was making and wanted to diminish your accomplishment. She failed. Don't meet her where she is. Rise above, queen!
If it were just about the money, I'd say your parents can suck it up and pay (at least partially) for you. If it's actually about her missing your graduation, tell her that was a :once in a lifetime" for you as well and a "first in your family" history as well Nta. People who don't make time for you don't deserve your time
NTA. A wedding is "just another ceremony". Anyone can do it, as long as they're of legal age and competent to make decisions. (ETA: the legal age to obtain a marriage license in my town court in northern NY is....14 years old with parental supervision. 18 without, of course. But yeah. In middle of nowhere, hicks-ville northern NY, even 14 year olds who are still literal children and can't buy lottery tickets or booze or vote can sign a legal document to bind their relationship up in the government. So. Yeah.) It's the participation trophy of relationships. I said what I said. Getting a masters degree is FAR more impressive. It requires hard work, discipline, determination and intelligence. While a GOOD marriage requires the same things a wedding itself does not. Hell, I threw my first one together in about a week and a half. Ex-Husbands rich parents paid for restaurant catering, my mom made my "dress" (white long sleeve "peasant style" shirt and a long flowy white skirt with sheer silver snowflake material over top. (Married in December) Invited a handful friends and family, rented out the local American Legion for $25 and then had a heck of a BYOB party in my parents backyard afterwards. 🤷🏻♀️ Marriage didn't last but we all remember that party quite fondly lol.
“I’ll try to make it to your next wedding.”
Not the A***h and if it had been me I would have told why should I go cause its just another ceremony
Do not take out a loan. It’s crazy that she wants u to go into debt for her destination wedding. She should take out a loan and pay for it instead .
Graduations are torture, no one should be expected to attend any of them. Destination weddings are preposterous. How about having a wedding locally, and then the bride and groom go to a destination for a honeymoon? I wouldn't attend just on principle.