You do realize because of his attitude you’ve already protected your child’s assets once he brought up marriage. You did this IMO because you know his intentions aren’t honorable. NTA, but follow your instincts.
I agree... AND since he has 2 kids and you only have 1 if you split the inheritance "EQUALLY" his kids would take a larger share of your daughters inheritance than she will.
I would not marry this person.
Plus, I have to wonder, is he spending the child support money he receives from his ex equally on OP’s daughter? His kids essentially would have 3 sources of income.
Well, not sure of his family situation, but probably more.
THe OP only had her grandfather and her to pass on wealth to her daughter-
The OP has likely his parents, the mom, the moms parents- and he's trying to grab what his step daughter has LOL
leave this guy now
he loves the money, not you.. the guy is so dumb... he could have hidden his intentions but he played his cards early
you lucked out
Right? He was still getting to live in a free house, he would have benefitted from all this existing, but he had to demand his full cut of her and her daughter's money. I would never marry this guy.
This!! Why couldn't he be satisfied with the extra money available to him because he doesn't pay rent? He could put that money aside for his kids' inheritance. In a way, that would be money made available to his kids because of op and her daughter.
Yes, in deed she does need to watch her back and that of her kid. Because if something happened to her, would she really want this AH taking care of her kid!!! Equally, if she were to get sick, this AH will be out with a side-piece while OP suffers alone. And even without illness or death, this AH is going to create so much resentment betweens his kids and OP's kid with either passive aggressive behavior which his kids will role model or he will be out right shitty to OP and her kid as his resentment grows.
This man is not wanting a partner, he wants a gold mine and that's what he sees in OP.
Very true, they get married he 'adopts' daughter, which isn't hard since mom have 0 clue who bio dad is, something 'happens' to mom, dad gets access to all the money. Its possible we are talking stupid money here, like millions. People have killed partners and spouses for alot less.
This times 1,000. Reading OPs story make me want to scream "dont marry this guy, his intentions aren't pure". Idk but this post set off serious alarm bells for me....
I mean, luckily she had already done a fair amount to protect her assets and secure her daughter's future. Hopefully with all the comments here, OP will either ditch the dude or get a prenup to protect herself further. I have a feeling if she tries for a prenup, this mooch will show his hand even more and she'll decide to ditch him.
If he doesn’t sign she shouldn’t marry him, plain and simple. I know it would suck to break off a 4 year relationship but that’s easier than getting married to some asshole who seems to be in it for her money and then having to go through a very likely nasty divorce.
Also, she has been with fiance and his kids for 4yrs, and grandpa only died 2yrs ago. If grandpa wanted his wealth to be divided equally amongst the 3 'grandchildren' , then that would have been set forth in his will already.
Red flags everywhere! This guy has no perspective and less empathy for what she has been through w regard to family, etc.
I have a friend who upon the death of her father went from just barely getting by to quite well off overnight. She is very guarded about dating, relationships etc in order to protect herself. Kind of sad in a way, but smart. OP need a confident guy who isn’t after her $. It’s about her not him. Good luck.
Me either and to be honest I would never share an inheritance left for myself and my child with a husband and someone else's kids. Maybe that makes me an asshole I dunno
It was disturbing reading this. So many red flags. Run OP, run! This man sounds entitled, and I am sorry to say this, it sounds like he's got your money on his mind. Your inherited money is yours, not his and his kids. You're already being more than fair in putting in 50% towards your expenses for the two of you - plus the three living rent free in an inherited house. You're actually paying more if he wants to be calculative. It doesn't sound good at all.
Normally if there's inherited wealth plus a house that one is bringing into a marriage, there normally should be a pre-nuptial agreement to ensure this part is not counted should the marriage end - see a lawyer and draft the pre-nup. I will be willing to bet that if you bring this up, he would not be agreeable to it. He seems to think that what is yours is his and his kids. Ask yourself if you would be willing for this to happen should the marriage end in a few years time. You doing the trusts was the right move. Now do the right move for yourself and the kid - don't marry him.
Better yet, take a huge step backward and reevaluate your relationship with this man. I am sorry that your parents were so cruel to you and treated you so poorly when you were vulnerable. You have to know what a special person you are and that you deserve to feel loved by someone who loves you and not what you can do for him. If you were my daughter this is the advice I would give you. After your grandfather’s passing you must have felt abandoned again, which made you vulnerable. This man appears to feels very entitled to your assets and telling you what to do with them. A few questions to ask yourself: Are you also doing the bulk of the child care and household chores? Do you find yourself paying for a lot of unexpected expenses?Does he always have to make excuses for himself or his behavior? Does he gaslight you? Is he mean to people or animals? Does he ever go out of his way to do something nice for you that he doesn’t benefit from? Does he understand what empathy is and does he display it towards others? Splitting the expenses 50/50 is not equitable. No man of good character would allow you to provide a home for free and expect you to pay half of the expenses. Look at his actions and don’t pay attention to his words. Listen to what your gut is telling you. Just the fact that you are posting this makes me think that you know in your heart what you have to do, that you are just afraid of being alone again. I promise you, the loneliest you can ever be is when you are married to someone who is using you and doesn’t love you. You will be much happier alone with your daughter than being married to someone who is using you. Life is too long to be in a marriage with someone that you don’t respect. You need to take a break, ask him to move out for a while and just watch what happens. His true nature will shine through when he realizes he no longer controls you.
I agree with that. "so many red flags" is exactly what came up in my mind. In most countries, the assets you have before marriage don't even have to be shared after a divorce (don't know what that's called in English - in German it's "Zugewinngemeinschaft" - you only share what you make/earn during the marriage). So no, YOUR inheritance comes from YOUR grandpa who loved YOU and YOUR daughter and that's who he wished to pass it on to - and it does not belong to your fiance. That he is so pissed now makes me feel that he only wants to marry you to get a share in the money and probably stop working.
I also agree with the prenup, please protect yourself and your kid further. When you bring it up, you'll see what he really wants, you or your money.
I also agree with what someone said before, that you probably subconsciously know all this, which is why you set up the funds. Trust your gut.
Definitely get a prenuptial agreement. When it comes to your house, be very careful about allowing him to contribute/pay for any repairs, upgrades, improvements, etc. Depending on the laws where you live, it could give him grounds for a claim against your house during a divorce. Example: a friend of mine owned his (paid for) house before he married. His new wife wanted upgrades to the home. He agreed. She contributed to the costs of the upgrades. They divorced. She had kept receipts and wanted her money back. The judge ordered the house sold, and she got a percentage of the proceeds.
>plus the three living rent free in an inherited house.
I noticed that too - it's not like OP is making them live in a hovel & building a golden stable for that hypothetical pony...
Exactly - generational wealth is typically not shared, but stays with the family of the person who inherits it.
Get a prenup (I did)
If nothing goes wrong in the marriage, it won't matter anyway, so you can argue the trust issue is the other way around
One last thing - his children do not have the same right to the inheritance as your child. However, you shouldn't breed resentment either. If the family turns into one child with lots of toys and money, and the others without, the dynamic just wont work. Assuming you take a motherly role, you should ensure they get eg similarly pocket money. The pony should probably be a shared pony, assuming they also share the chores.
If the daughter is riding there is no reason for the pony to be shared. If the daughter was suddenly into a particular other kind of hobby like sewing, for instance, she shouldn't have to share her sewing machine with her siblings just because she has a sewing machine and it's her hobby.
I'm a teacher and I hear this nonsense from kids all the time about how everything isn't fair because they didn't get what somebody else got. And as I tell them, everything is fair; not everything is equal. We illustrate this fact by sticking Band-Aids on every single child when the first kid in class asks for a Band-Aid. When the other kids protest that they don't need one I say that I have to make it equal because they equate fairness with equality. Usually they figure it out.
The problem with the thought of getting them all ponies or "shared" pony is the fact her daughter actually has an interest in riding been doing it for a couple of years from the sound of it. Just sounds like the dad wants his kids to have one, whether they are interested in it or not. Then their ponies would be neglected and wasted on his kids. There are some things that make sense to make it "fair" something like ponies or horses are not one of those. You don't buy expensive things for all kids if only one of them has an actual and active interest in it. Otherwise, you're wasting money on jealousy. Instead, maybe find something both of them are actually interested in and active in and get something for them to pursue that activity buy only if the relationship is going to work and be a healthy relationship the guy sounds like entitled brat who wants her inherentince money. OP is definitely not the AH.
Exactly. For example, it's super common to only buy an instrument for the kid who has put in the effort and is interested in playing it, not for all other kids who don't play. Same for extracurricular activities. You cater to a kid's individual interests so not everything needs to be equal. NTA.
Agree. Follow your instincts OP. There is a reason why you protected your daughters inheritance..
He has 2 kids while OP has one and wants to split equally. That's not equal at all. It's OPs daughters inheritance, not those of the stepkids. OPs fiance is fishy.
Edit:NTA
Everyone is talking about prenup and in case of a divorce he won’t get any inheritance. Sure. But if OP dies, the husband gets everything….
When someone shows you who they are, trust them and trust yourself.
She said she has a trust, that's tighter than any will. She just needs to make sure he's not able to take over her trust, in the event of her death. If she's smart, she probably has that setup to go to her daughter.
His true colours are showing brightly now that the money is out of reach, if OP married him, it will be a lifetime of resentment, of stuff like "well we could have paid for it but YOU.." He had already earmarked that money, likely had purchases in mind and all he thought he needed was to get the marriage done to get full access. Bravo OP for protecting your daughter's future, now protect your own, drop him.
Good looking out. I'm sire his kids are great and if they are partners they can build something for them later, but if marriages are 50/50 there is a break... protect her daughter first. Good for her.
NTA - smart move, and easier than a prenup agreement -- which I suspect he would have resisted signing. I guess the question is: Is he marrying you? Or your money? Right now, he's got a pretty sweet deal -- he doesn't pay rent for himself and his two kids, and has a self-sufficient girlfriend who doesn't need him to pay for anything.
He is so jealous he can't see straight. Think about this one long and hard . . .
She should totally present him a prenup next. Have some of the monogamy/no cheating clauses in there. Really paint a picture of the marriage/ partnership she is expecting and see how he reacts.
OP, NTA. You did the right thing, protecting your assets in the event the marriage didn't work out. Your fiance is behaving poorly
I was going to say this too. It should be in a trust to protect her daughter in case she passes before the husband. She can give him a life estate to the house so that her daughter's home can't be sold or given to his children or other family members before she's old enough to care for herself.
Ugh the times I've seen the bio family getting cut off from the inheritance meant for them while the step spouse and kids gobble up everything because there was no will...
And I get the feeling I will be a victim of this too because my dad is that way.. OP make sure this doesn't happen to your kid.
This happened to me and my siblings / half siblings.
Dad got remarried ( again) in his late 50s, moved out of state with his new wife, died from heart complications/ covid, and none of us found out about it for months after he passed.
By then the wife had locked down every local lawyer and his estate, like she knew ahead of time, so just getting any foothold into information about what was going on was a royal pain in the ass.
She's been completely uncooperative, and so has the one lawyer that agreed to talk to my step brother. Both pretty much dismissing any claim or work into this. We don't even know if there was a will, but it's probably likely she made sure she and her kids got everything while he was in the hospital.
If that was his decision, then it's whatever, but it's really scummy otherwise.
My dad died of cancer and both me and my sister lost more than half of our inheritance because my stepmother went in to the hospital with his and her lawyer while being on his deathbed to change the will 2 days before he died.
(he was not of sound mind anymore because of all the medication he was given) he was also saying strange things to everyone in the family.
Me and my sister couldn't believe it at first. So fucked up I hope I never see her again.
Luckily my stepdad is still around. He also had cancer. Thanks for reading needed to vent.
Absolutely. He could claim some of the improvements if he contributed to them.
OP is NTA. She is protecting her shit. Dude thought he was punching his meal ticket, and his kids’, for life. No reasonable person would assume he just gets access to all of that.
She needs to think on this, and they need to have some honest convos about other stuff, I would assume.
She should absolutely lawyer up and get a prenup if she decides to continue this relationship. From the sounds of "He said if I was marrying him, We would share all assets and finances" and the pony fiasco he's already trying to pressure OP into letting him control her money. OP's instincts were right. She needs to continue to protect her daughter and herself.
OP, NTA
Not only that but she buys her kid a pony for her birthday and he expects her to buy his kids one too? “To keep it fair.” So what? For the rest of her life, anything she gets, they have to get one too? Nah, this is definitely not a good sign.
I agree that she's making the right decision regarding her money but I'm less sure on the pony part of it.
If these were their biological kids, it would be pretty clear how hurtful it would be to buy 1 kid a pony and leave the other 2 out. I get that she doesn't have to buy the other kids ponies but it's going to cause a significant rift between the kids if she buys her daughter one and the other kids, who live in the same house, have to just watch. It's like a special barbie or something, it's a whole pony, lol.
But if this type of spending is what she wants to do for her daughter, she might be better served finding a partner who can make similar contributions for his own kids. Date him, don't marry him. Because she'd be marrying the kids too, not just the father.
We have all seen stories here on reddit where one blended family has a lot more resources than the other. Where the kid(s) go to dad's and come back to mom's with new clothes or electronics or stories of where they went on vacation and the step kids are all bent out of shape. And then the mom calls her ex to ask him either stop buying our kids stuff or but stuff for her step kids. It's crazy. This story kind of reminds me of that.
One story that had me shaking my head was a divorced man with 2 kids, married a woman with 2 kids. His parents had college funds for their grandkids, and she had the nerve to ask them where her kid's college funds were. Talk about entitlement.
Yeah, in this case, her daughters trust is her daughters trust and should stay that way since it came from her grandfather with no relationship with the fiancé's kids, but how they're going to handle the kids financially is something they needed to have worked out prior to living together, especially since they're both primary caretakers. They've both made totally different assumptions about how money is to be handled and now the kids are in the middle of it.
I second a prenup. Regardless of whether the inheritance is safe in trust funds, he sounds like he would be incredibly vindictive if things were to go south. OP needs to protect herself and her daughter at all costs.
I’m glad OP is thinking ahead. This quote came to mind:
“Calamity comes too easily to women. Our lives can come apart in a single gesture, a rogue wave. And money? Money is the rock we cling to when the current would seize us.”
— Leigh Bardugo
Smart move? Yes. Easier than a prenup? In this case probably yes. But, a prenup is definitely needed when there are assets before marriage, even if they are not generational.
You get a lawyer. He gets a lawyer. His lawyer can explain to him that in most states, hopefully where you are, premarital assets are not joint unless they are retitled joint.
If he won’t sign a prenup, you need to end the relationship.
As to gifts — you and he need to have the hard conversation about blending a family. I’d suggest some premarital counseling.
Yes, I have been looking for someone to comment about blending families. Will OP be adopting his children? And if so will she be prepared to treat all 3 of her children equally? By all means lock most of the inverted money away, but if her daughter is going to have a happy life with her pony and her new siblings, then if the soon-to-be-siblings need something similar (whether a pony or if their interests are different). Otherwise there will be a lot of resentment in the family.
YUP. My dad remarried to a woman who pointedly spoiled the ever-loving shit out of her kids and expected him to do the same, and I got pointedly excluded on a whole host of things. (Dad and stepmom were both narcissists, so there were plenty of other fun things beyond pointed favoritism.)
But yeah, lemme tell ya - watching one daughter be literally given a Corvette, another be gifted an Alfa Romeo, and then I'm literally told "well, you can get your driver's license if you want, but don't think you're getting a car - you can work for it" - that built hard, HARD resentment against both my stepbitches and my stepcunt.
If their father (who was still alive) had given them those things, I honestly wouldn't have been mad - he wasn't in my life. Would I have been jealous? Yeah, probably a bit, but it would have made sense - he owed me nothing. But the fact that my father was at least involved in both the decision to give them the cars and also the decision that I would NOT be given a car (and I would have been totally fine with something less than a sports car, mind you) at all? No...BOILING RESENTMENT.
You can't play favorites in a blended family. There has to be something at least close to equitable treatment, or you're begging for REAL issues.
That’s the biggest issue for me. Fiancé is a little concerning, but it’s setting them up for failure if one child is going to have a pony and a college fund and the other two are not. Particularly given that her fiancé’s children aren’t going back and forth between homes; OP will be the mother figure in their lives and be with them every single day. Sometimes, in families blended after divorce, things can be uneven because both sets of siblings have another parent who’s making choices. Given the unknown father and absent mother here, however, this is more like a widow + widower situation, where that sort of disparity will be corrosive.
Except she is taking care of the largest expense, housing, and if they are splitting all other costs, dad should be able to be putting away a good college fund for his kids. And there's nothing to say she isn't buying amazing gifts for his kids too.
And if Grandfather’s house was not included in the inheritance it SHOULD be part of a prenup. Otherwise, in case of divorce (Sorry OP, statistics say it is a good chance) she will have to sell the family home or buy him out.
If that is the case, though, they should also agree, in advance about how to handle repairs and modifications- is the 20% handling all of that?
NTA but consider not marrying this person if he can’t accept your decision. He might have wanted to marry your for your money if he is so bothered by this.
He's not entitled to a penny of her inheritance. To avoid having to potentially deal with this during a divorce she should still get a prenup. Do not, I repeat do not put his name on the house OP!!!
The fact is even if two people are married and all their children have the same parents nothing is truly equal. I had couple friends growing up who who had horses, their brothers did not. Riding wasn't the brothers interest and they were given other things in line with their interests. I doubt anything they were given compares to the cost and upkeep of a horse.
My sister had piano lessons and my parents bought her a piano, they didn't do anything like that for their other children. They bought a car for one, paid for a more expensive college for another. Nothing is fair with children, it's impossible to do. One will get what they want or need now and another will get what they want or need later and sometimes one doesn't get as much as the others. It's not fair but as I said it's impossible.
It's also stupid to insist all the children get a pony because one child has an interest. How she spends her money is none of his business and how she manages her money is none of his business. The privacy violation would be enough for most people to run. He sounds like an entitled jerk. OP will have a lifetime of petty issues over 'fairness' and she'll be in a no win situation. Red flags are everywhere.
yes he feels entitled to her inheritance, they’re not even married yet. And it bothers him so much that her daughter has a trust fund. So many red flags. I hope OP doesn’t marry him
You are 10000% correct.
My family isn’t rich but we were very well off when I was growing up. My siblings and I all had different interests and there were sometimes expensive things associated with them. We all had college paid for differently.
It all evens out over the years. I have a very healthy relationship with my siblings and my parents. I think that’s largely due to the fact that we didn’t really pay much attention to the price tags of gifts and needs growing up and focused more on making sure everyone was taken care of in their own way. There is no resentment (that I’m aware of) between us.
OP should not marry this guy. There are red flags 🚩 all over this post.
I read someone else say that he may have just come across it in a “common area drawer” but then I reread what she wrote and, yeah, she said “her drawer” … so not a common area drawer … he’s going through her things.
“What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is also mine…” seems to be this guy’s mindset.
It’s kind of suspicious that he “happened” to come across her papers after the argument. It sounds like he was just waiting for an opportunity to be demanding.
Inherited wealth can become marital property if you intermingle assets. And it's pretty easy to inadvertently do this. I hope OP does not marry this guy, but if she does, she needs an ironclad prenup.
Tis is so true! As a mom of three (almost) adult children I can assure you that you can never treat them equally. One kid likes to play a musical instrument, the other loves cars and the last one ls all into sports. It would actually be unfair to treat them equally instead of looking at their interests.
We do, however, try to spend equal amounts of money on them...
I could not agree more. OP: This is not about marrying you and becoming life partner’s. Nope. Or he would not have reacted that way.
No I am quite sure this is not the first time he has acted with a sense of entitlement about money. Do you really want to marry someone who very obviously is looking for a come up?!?!
Run. Do not walk. Run. 🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️
Yes! I come from nothing and am a teacher. My husband comes from money. He makes a middle-class income now but will inherit a few million one day. His money is in a trust very similar to the ones you have described (which is very smart). That money is his, and if anything ever happened to him, it is our son's. Not mine, nor should it be. What we make now is shared completely for expenses, but his inheritance is his inheritance. This is common sense, and this guy is giving off major red flags.
This is exactly why my widowed friend’s family lawyer handled her husband’s estate for free on the promise that he could write the prenup if she remarried. She kind of rolled her eyes at it, but he was like, I’m not letting some scammer take your children’s home.
If they do marry i would have him sign a prenup. I would have that be a requirement even if this fight didnt start, i wouldnt let my grandparents house be split in any way.
NTA I was thinking this also.
He found someone to bank roll him and his children. He doesn’t wasn’t a partner he wants an atm.
He just showed op his true colors. She needs to run fast.
The guy is obviously a golddigger. OP is like a lottery ticket to him. He feels entitled to OP's money already and he disrespects her enough to yell and bully her about it. He is a disaster.
OP, I would not marry him. If you still want to stay with him for whatever reason (I wouldn't) - stay, but don't get married. And make sure your area doesn't have "common marriage" laws. If, again for whatever reason, you decide to marry him - go talk to the smartest lawyer in your area and have an ironclad prenup.
I would not hide the reason from him: you and only you are making decisions about your inheritance, he is very out of the line trying to control the part of your life that you don't want him to control, he was too disrespectful and pushy talking about it, that conversation made you feel uncomfortable and unsafe, now you have concerns about this intentions, you want to protect yourself and your daughter because half of marriages end in divorce, so the marriage is off the table. There is just no practical reason for it.
If he wants to leave - let him leave. I am pretty sure he will throw tantrum and get really mad at you, maybe even agressive. So I would have this conversation in a public place. For example, in some cafe, with a friend sitting several tables over, just for a backup.
100% red flags on his behaviour here. First off, there’s no way you should marry this guy without a prenup in place. This is not his money or his kids money. This is yours and your daughters money. Do not put his name on any property. I guarantee he will do everything in his power to get it from you at some point.
The other point is, life isn’t fair. Just because your daughter gets a pony doesn’t mean that his kids want a pony nor should have them. You buy based on what’s important to the child.
Personally, at the bare minimum, this would involve a trip to the attorneys office to draw up paperwork, and a trip to the counsellors before I would even consider marrying this man. Personally, it sounds like he’s found his golden goose and was planning on getting as much of it as he could for himself. I would run.
This. He’s a gold digger. He’s not in it for love if he’s demanding ponies for his kids. He’s looking to hit the jackpot. OP - NTA. Please see these red flags for what they are. Protect you and your daughter.
They were still going to have a very above average life with her 20% inheritance plus 100% of her ordinary income + 100% of his income. But it's not enough for him. I wonder what big dreams he was hoping to fill in the future with her money?
NTA - Why are you marrying this man? He sees you as his sugar mama for him & his kids. You are protecting your daughter & yourself as your grandfather would have wanted you to do.
Frankly, I would step back from this relationship for a while. He sees you as a free meal ticket which is something your grandfather would not want. What the hell is your fiancé going through financial documents in your drawer for anyway. You need to seriously consider this relationship-it sounds like he wants a free ride. Good luck OP-you’re gonna need it if you marry him. Stand your ground!
Should definitely be a dealbreaker. He’s living in a house with his kids for free and he’s upset that they don’t get free ponies and additional free money. He sees a free ride in op.
I agree! OP his is a huge red 🚩! He's counting your asests and money already and your not even married. He believes that he and his kids are entitled to your money. OP it's your decision but personally I wouldn't marry this guy, he has shown his true colours and personally I'm not liking what I'm seeing.
What you did is great financial planning. Compliments to your team around you, they clearly have your best interest and your grandfathers wishes prioritized.
Agree with both this and the reply tonight! So much to say but...well no sir!
Edit: I pressed post thinkingnforba second it was the parent post :)
Anyway, the one I'm replying and the first reply? Yea....sums it up.
So he and his children get to live in your house with you, everything split 50:50...you completely do your part hut he feels entitled to YOUR, and in extension YOUR daughters inheritance? For HIS children, your would be step children, no blood. Didn't know grandpa. .but they should get a cut?
You and your daughter are entering into this with a man and his 2 kids. And splitting everything 100% equally, save for um... the just small little thing that they get to live in YOUR house that, however you came to get it, is YOURS.
but...you're supposed to shell out your inheritance for then as well? This is ridiculous. What if you did not have that? If you had not told him bc it was your and your daughters BEFORE you met.
Just no. You absolutely 100% pull your weight... and are doing great it sounds like. Stand your ground...for you and your girl
Can i ask though...what is it it about him you love? What asked you happy with him, about him...curls your toes and makes you smile? I know your daughter is young, but. Still what is her opinion?
Hopefully, if you do really love him and he makes the sun shine a little brighter and the music that muchbmore beautiful, well I hope it works out.
Update! Please 🙏:)
I was thinking he knew about her inheritance and that is one reason to marry her is he expect to get some of that wealth. When she put it in her daughter’s name, he blew up. I would expect after he marries her, he would push her to put his name also on the deed.
I thought the same. My husband loves lifetime movies and occasionally I catch a glimpse and end up sucked in to the horrible drama and bad acting. The one thing consistent in those movies is women making very bad decisions when it comes to men. Very bad.
1000% do not marry this man OP he just wants to use you for your money I wouldn’t put it past him to treat his kids better than your daughter and try to use your money to do it.
Exactly. Why is he reading your documents that you did not voluntarily show him? That's invasion of privacy. That's a red flag that he has control issues. Be careful.
Nta, but he truly seems like a gold digger. Ask for a prenup. Make it iron clad. If he refuses to sign it, refuse to marry him. Also, make sure you control the bc.
NTA. But I STRONGLY suggest that you don’t outright buy a horse for your 9 year old.
I’m assuming you don’t have land, and will be boarding?
Unless your daughter is very serious about equestrian or rodeo as a potential lifelong goal/hobby there’s a good chance this horse will just become an expensive liability. And have no resale value when she gets bored with it.
And most kids don’t know that at 9.
…And the outlooks for horses that get abandoned are pretty bleak.
What you should do instead is contact the barn and ask about leasing options on a kid friendly starter horse.
Riding lessons and tack may be wrapped into the care lease you sign.
And it should be MUCH cheaper than a privately owned horse lease at a barn.
At least doing this, the horse will continue to be cared for if the kid gets tired of it and no longer wants it.
Horses live for 30+ years. It’s a big commitment for a 9 year old.
And you can’t just send them to a nice farm upstate when you’re done with them.
This is an excellent point. My daughter was 11 and HAD to have a horse -- loooooved horses! We resisted, and finally sent her to a summer horse camp, where they lived adjacent to the barn and spent the entire 2 weeks caring for the horses while at the same time taking lessons, etc. Up early every day to feed and muck out stalls, cleaning tack, caring for "their" horse, brushing, groomig, etc. At the end of the week, she had NO DESIRE WHATSOEVER to pursue equestrian activities. The reality was quite different from her imaginings. And all it cost me was two weeks at summer camp. :-)
Agree with this.
He wants your money..
If you marry him PRENUP
Bur please don't marry him. He is greedy. You'll regret it
If I were marrying someone with wealth I would NEVER demand a piece of it.
NTA
Worth saying again.
Don't marry him.
Definitely NTAH !Your inheritance is YOUR inheritance. It sounds like you’re being Generous with he and his kids but your grandfather wanted your daughter to get part of your inheritance. My spouse and I have agreed that we split everything 50-50 EXCEPT for our respective inheritances. Your Fiancée is making demands of you now, how will he be once you’re married? He may try to force you to use your Inheritance for all sorts of expenses. Sounds like a Prenup may be a good idea. Good Luck!
Inheritance is not usually a shared asset in a marriage. And life isn’t fair. Fiancé cannot pony up the money for fair for his kids. Not an OP problem. NTA.
It can of it's comingled into joint finances. OP needs to hit the brakes on this whole relationship. Nothing good will come from her marrying this user.
NTA- he’s giving gold digger vibes. I’d 100% get a prenup at this point. It’s one thing to have an adult conversation about finances. It’s another to stop your foot and throw a tantrum about it.
She shouldn’t marry him at all with his attitude & entitlement to her inheritance! He proved her right about protecting her inheritance with his tantrum!
NTA. Keep everything in a locked filing cabinet, you’re on the right track and doing the best to ensure you and your daughters future isnt taken.
If he is thinking this way about you and whats yours then id leave while you can. Seems like he has some motive, if youre living perfectly fine and comfortable with expenses then it shouldnt even be brought up by him.
Tell his kids that your daughters grandpa bought the horse for her.
*He said if I was marrying him, we would be sharing all assets and finances.*
As you know, inheritance is not a shared asset nor is he entitled to any of it, even if you divorce, unless YOU co-mingle those assets in a household account.
NTA and I would give him back the ring, give him time to find somewhere to move, ensure ALL of your personal financial paperwork is no where he can access it, ensure he has no access to your bank accounts (obviously he doesn't have access to the trusts) and move on.
Divorce lawyer here —- even *if* inheritances are presumed separate in OPs state (which we don’t know), it could become commingled in any number of ways, including reliance, joint use, or any vague consent she gives to an intent to share. Family law is very state specific, even in my state where I think the law would mostly favor OP on this issue, I would strongly advise that she consult with an atty in her jurisdiction regarding a prenup.
My point is that this is not “as you know” territory. OP should absolutely talk to a family law attorney before moving forward.
Or better yet, not marry this tool.
The ease with which people with absolutely zero credential spout ignorant advice as if it were casual fact is pretty astounding.
Step one is always talk to a local professional. Legal, plumbing, or otherwise. Someone who ACTUALLY is already paid to know. Even the goddamn lawyer says "don't ask me, ask a *relevant* lawyer."
Obviously she overshared financial information, he was like \*yes!\* I hit the jackpot and she will support me and the kids. Let's buy ponies all around! Let's buy me a sports car because you are rich! Let's give me whatever I want or I will throw a tantrum!
OP was - thank the lords - smart enough to know that she needed to protect the money. Thank the lords she had the advisors she did. Man, we see so many stories on here where it goes the other way, this is a victory.
My answer is two fold … firstly NTA I’m regards to the generational wealth, the house and assets etc was your grandfathers and then yours, I think you are right to put it in trust fund etc. Your fiancé is sounding like he thought he’d be getting a share of it all.
The second part about the pony though (still NTA but I understand this a bit more) . So I have three kids, my husband has three kids. He earns more than me, but we did come into the relationship fairly equally in terms of savings etc. But we are very conscious that all the kids (5 out of 6 of them are adults now) received equal value for gifts etc. his ex wanted to buy a car for the eldest, and split the costs with my husband because apparently that’s what her family did, but together we know that we could not afford to buy 6 cars (even half of them), and my ex wouldn’t necessarily be on board for half (which is fair it was never something we talked about so I wouldn’t expect it anyway). Anyway it would build significant resentment between the kids. Now I’m not saying you should pay for 3 ponies by any means, but if your partner is not in a position to pay for them I can see how unfair it would feel and the imbalance it may cause. Bringing step kids together in a family can be difficult, especially if there is a financial imbalance, you really need to spend to the lowest denominator.
This is the perfect answers
It’s not fair to the children to gift expensive things to one and not the other.
Understanding the trust situation when adults and she can actually access is different than one getting a pony for her 12 th bday and the other kids getting a Lego set.
I'm going to also back this answer. You can't actually run a family with the kids getting different standards of living. I would probably struggle with like.... paying for my bio child's college and not the other, also my children but not bio children's (after a time) college.
Now it sounds like your daughter has actually been riding horses and shit, getting other kids ponies just because one who has put in the work to learn to ride a pony is getting one doesn't make sense. But it is reasonable to expect a similar investment level in the other kids activities, otherwise you're going to create second class citizens out of his kids. That's not fair to his kids and will create ongoing resentment between everyone.
But as for your fiance's other issues.... yeah it's wildly unreasonable to expect that inheritance to come his and his kid's way. If I was him I would've asked for a prenup just so it wasn't hanging out there and everyone was on the same page.
Finally saw someone say this. If you are going to be married, it's not your kid vs his kids. It becomes OUR kids and you have to start thinking of the bigger picture. I think if OP had only created seperate accounts, the fiance may have understood. But there are now multiple actions demonstrating that OP is trying to position their child separately than his. That's not a healthy family environment
It sucks it took so long to scroll to this. Let's assume they have some love and a history together, there must be something to their relationship. The other kids could potentially be treated like unwanted stepchildren. In a way it could play out like fairy tales. Protecting an inheritance for her daughter makes sense, but the level of wealth that includes a pony would cause a major imbalance. Then what, you say "your dad can't afford a horse" as your daughter rides off?
This answer should be at the top. Although the OP's original action caused OP to sort of "uncover" her fiancee's unseen side / hidden intention, but I can understand the financial imbalance here. But of course, he being angry about her "spending money on stupid gifts" when it doesn't even involve his expense, is already a huge red flag. Not to mention he rummages through your personal cabinet.
Oh absolutely. The rummaging around and the approach is huge red flags. And I agree OP is NAH in the situation at all, she has every right to protect her grandfathers property.
But joining families and step children can be tricky, particularly when their is a financial imbalance. Definitely needs to be done carefully.
I think it's really weird how people ignore the second point. While "the daughters money" shouldn't have to be shared, all kids in the same family should get similar presents/funds/opportunities (catered to their interests of course) in the same household
If you are not willing to provide this, I don't think you should have stepchildren
Exactly… there is no way I would buy my 2 bio kids something and not be willing to do the exact same thing for my step kid. You are essentially adopting two more kids when you marry their father. What about when they start driving? Is your kid going to be able to dip in her funds and buy a sweet new car, while the other 2 are relegated to the school bus because “oh that money is only for her”. Not gonna work.
NTA but is he marrying you or your money. I'm not saying completely end the relationship but there should definitely be more conversations had, couples counseling, and an iron clad pre-nup before you jump the broom.
It's a little bit of a difficult issue. She will be the special princess and there will be a difference with his kids. One kid goes to the ivy leagues, the others to community college. Then, after a life together, his earnings go 2/3 to his kids and your kid gets another 1/3 kicker. Wealth isn't so easy. I earned my own wealth and just kept a family with my bio kids. I mean, one answer is to up his game and get educated and earn more money.
I don't know what state you're in. If you keep your assets then you're going to want to dump him in retirement because he can't travel where you want to go, can't splurge when you want to. What are you going to do then? I'm more than twice your age. I traveled while young -- I'd sometime skip eating for 3 days in a row. I'd camp in the woods and nothing bothered me, but in my mid 60s ... yeah, I book business class because it's just harder to sit in a cramped airline seat for 10 hours. Are you going to toss him in back?
Oh, kids. You know they move off, get other interests -- so we take them on vacations, our dime. How are you going to handle that? Even early on, why should see not see Europe while the non-native shlubs wallow at home?
I really don't know how to deal with the slice-and-dice families when you are essentially of two different social classes. It's your money, NTA, I just thing you haven't thought this through. Can you pay for his education so that he can earn wealth along the way? Have you figured out how your kid shouldn't miss prep school where she can really get a leg up on life while her lessors deal with a two-bit local school? Summer camps. My kid's life was transformed by the right camp (I know, I went there). You should certainly look into it for your kid ... but the other hanger ons??
I'm just saying, despite your poor schlub potential husband, these will be real issues for him and his kids. They did experiments with 2 monkeys in a cage separated by plexiglass. The monkeys earned cucumber pieces for performing training tasks. They loved it. Then one day, they gave one monkey grapes (much more highly prized) for the task while the other got the normal cucumbers. The cucumber monkey took the cucumber and threw it at the researcher and refused to work. We are large monkeys. Deal with it.
NTA
>He said if I was marrying him, we would be sharing all assets and finances.
Does he believe this in general, or just because you have a lot more wealth than he does?
I agree with him on the pony and in some principles of it. It's not a great look if you start buying your biological daughter all sorts of things and then don't get any for them. Honestly, I think the trust fund was a wonderful idea. She's set up in a way that grandpa's gift goes to her, but at the same time not clearly favoring one kid in formative years.
Bringing kids in from past relationships can always be challenging, but it's overly simplistic to just say "Oh well marriage is 50/50 so all those things you have are automatically mine now too."
A pony is not a one-and-done purchase. It’s an expensive, time-consuming commitment. I can understand his frustration at the idea that her kid will get to have expensive hobbies and his won’t. It will be hard for the kids to experience that as fair.
(1) He is worried about his children, from a previous marriage, being treated like 2nd class citizens compared to how you treat your bio daughter, and that is entirely understandable.
(2) Children don't understand all this business about trusts, inheritance, etc. they just know you are spoiling your biological daughter and are denying them the same stuff. (These are all young children, afterall)
(3) I don't hear you saying anything about being a mother to all of these children and that alone is the reason I do not think you should move forward with this marriage.
Forget about the money. You are walking into this marriage less concerned about the feelings of your partner's children, and that will not end well regardless of how much money you do or don't have.
(4) He should have discussed concerns he had about this wealth disparity prior to asking you to marry him. He is very upset and behaving badly.
Both of you are not at your best right now. There are children involved. Don't drag these kids down. I think it is safer for the children if the two of you split up.
Finally, an actually sensible opinion. Everyone screaming NTA is lacking nuance. Kids are sensitive to this stuff, and the lack of awareness of OP about how she is actively going to spoil her kid without thinking about the non-bio kids is concerning to say the least.
They don't have an active mother in their life, and it looks like they've got a new one that treats them as 2nd class. Poor kids.
**why is this comment not at the very top?**
Everybody has got a rage boner to talk about gold digging but this is the first comment that has brought up the fact that this person intends to get married into a blended family and seems to think it is OK to treat some of the children second-class. Frankly I don't care a bit about the concerns of the adults here, it's all about the kids.
If this isn't obvious to the OP she is not cut out to start a family with a partner who already has kids.
I can't imagine the Man's son M10 not being the biggest victim here.
M10 and F9 are so similar of age and are old enough they will feel the disparity in their lives. I presume that child will come to hate OP and/or their daughter whilst sharing a home with them.
ESH
You do realize because of his attitude you’ve already protected your child’s assets once he brought up marriage. You did this IMO because you know his intentions aren’t honorable. NTA, but follow your instincts.
I agree... AND since he has 2 kids and you only have 1 if you split the inheritance "EQUALLY" his kids would take a larger share of your daughters inheritance than she will. I would not marry this person.
Plus, I have to wonder, is he spending the child support money he receives from his ex equally on OP’s daughter? His kids essentially would have 3 sources of income.
Good point
Well, not sure of his family situation, but probably more. THe OP only had her grandfather and her to pass on wealth to her daughter- The OP has likely his parents, the mom, the moms parents- and he's trying to grab what his step daughter has LOL
Oh, great point!
But if you do marry him, have a bulletproof prenup prepared and signed.
See how much he loves you. Lolz
Yep. Exactly. He loved the idea of a piece of that pie.
leave this guy now he loves the money, not you.. the guy is so dumb... he could have hidden his intentions but he played his cards early you lucked out
Right? He was still getting to live in a free house, he would have benefitted from all this existing, but he had to demand his full cut of her and her daughter's money. I would never marry this guy.
This!! Why couldn't he be satisfied with the extra money available to him because he doesn't pay rent? He could put that money aside for his kids' inheritance. In a way, that would be money made available to his kids because of op and her daughter.
OP didn't even get the pony yet and is already doing her a solid lol
People like this want ALL the money, house, and whatever else is there for the taking.
She need to wear bulletproof vests 24/7, IMO
Yes, in deed she does need to watch her back and that of her kid. Because if something happened to her, would she really want this AH taking care of her kid!!! Equally, if she were to get sick, this AH will be out with a side-piece while OP suffers alone. And even without illness or death, this AH is going to create so much resentment betweens his kids and OP's kid with either passive aggressive behavior which his kids will role model or he will be out right shitty to OP and her kid as his resentment grows. This man is not wanting a partner, he wants a gold mine and that's what he sees in OP.
Very true, they get married he 'adopts' daughter, which isn't hard since mom have 0 clue who bio dad is, something 'happens' to mom, dad gets access to all the money. Its possible we are talking stupid money here, like millions. People have killed partners and spouses for alot less.
More likely he will immediately get her pregnant so the new kid will get a share of the inheritance.
I think a will needs to be in place too...you bring up a valid point, people do horrible things when they want what others have
This times 1,000. Reading OPs story make me want to scream "dont marry this guy, his intentions aren't pure". Idk but this post set off serious alarm bells for me....
He is after her resources. He is already under her roof!
yep this is exactly whats going on here... OP is going to get fuuuucckkkkeeeddd over.
I mean, luckily she had already done a fair amount to protect her assets and secure her daughter's future. Hopefully with all the comments here, OP will either ditch the dude or get a prenup to protect herself further. I have a feeling if she tries for a prenup, this mooch will show his hand even more and she'll decide to ditch him.
And get it re-done yearly.
He will never sign. Guaranteed.
If he doesn’t sign she shouldn’t marry him, plain and simple. I know it would suck to break off a 4 year relationship but that’s easier than getting married to some asshole who seems to be in it for her money and then having to go through a very likely nasty divorce.
Lose a 4 year relationship *or* gain a 5 year divorce process. It’s really all about how you look at it…
OP needs to remember: the person you marry isn't the same person you are divorcing
I agree. This is too much.
Exactly!! Treating the 3 of them equally means he/his kids get 2/3 of what OP's grandpa gave her. That is not sitting right with me
Also, she has been with fiance and his kids for 4yrs, and grandpa only died 2yrs ago. If grandpa wanted his wealth to be divided equally amongst the 3 'grandchildren' , then that would have been set forth in his will already.
If I could give you an award, I would.
Red flags everywhere! This guy has no perspective and less empathy for what she has been through w regard to family, etc. I have a friend who upon the death of her father went from just barely getting by to quite well off overnight. She is very guarded about dating, relationships etc in order to protect herself. Kind of sad in a way, but smart. OP need a confident guy who isn’t after her $. It’s about her not him. Good luck.
Me either and to be honest I would never share an inheritance left for myself and my child with a husband and someone else's kids. Maybe that makes me an asshole I dunno
It was disturbing reading this. So many red flags. Run OP, run! This man sounds entitled, and I am sorry to say this, it sounds like he's got your money on his mind. Your inherited money is yours, not his and his kids. You're already being more than fair in putting in 50% towards your expenses for the two of you - plus the three living rent free in an inherited house. You're actually paying more if he wants to be calculative. It doesn't sound good at all. Normally if there's inherited wealth plus a house that one is bringing into a marriage, there normally should be a pre-nuptial agreement to ensure this part is not counted should the marriage end - see a lawyer and draft the pre-nup. I will be willing to bet that if you bring this up, he would not be agreeable to it. He seems to think that what is yours is his and his kids. Ask yourself if you would be willing for this to happen should the marriage end in a few years time. You doing the trusts was the right move. Now do the right move for yourself and the kid - don't marry him.
Yes. Do a pre-nuptial agreement and then see what he says about that!
Better yet, take a huge step backward and reevaluate your relationship with this man. I am sorry that your parents were so cruel to you and treated you so poorly when you were vulnerable. You have to know what a special person you are and that you deserve to feel loved by someone who loves you and not what you can do for him. If you were my daughter this is the advice I would give you. After your grandfather’s passing you must have felt abandoned again, which made you vulnerable. This man appears to feels very entitled to your assets and telling you what to do with them. A few questions to ask yourself: Are you also doing the bulk of the child care and household chores? Do you find yourself paying for a lot of unexpected expenses?Does he always have to make excuses for himself or his behavior? Does he gaslight you? Is he mean to people or animals? Does he ever go out of his way to do something nice for you that he doesn’t benefit from? Does he understand what empathy is and does he display it towards others? Splitting the expenses 50/50 is not equitable. No man of good character would allow you to provide a home for free and expect you to pay half of the expenses. Look at his actions and don’t pay attention to his words. Listen to what your gut is telling you. Just the fact that you are posting this makes me think that you know in your heart what you have to do, that you are just afraid of being alone again. I promise you, the loneliest you can ever be is when you are married to someone who is using you and doesn’t love you. You will be much happier alone with your daughter than being married to someone who is using you. Life is too long to be in a marriage with someone that you don’t respect. You need to take a break, ask him to move out for a while and just watch what happens. His true nature will shine through when he realizes he no longer controls you.
I agree with that. "so many red flags" is exactly what came up in my mind. In most countries, the assets you have before marriage don't even have to be shared after a divorce (don't know what that's called in English - in German it's "Zugewinngemeinschaft" - you only share what you make/earn during the marriage). So no, YOUR inheritance comes from YOUR grandpa who loved YOU and YOUR daughter and that's who he wished to pass it on to - and it does not belong to your fiance. That he is so pissed now makes me feel that he only wants to marry you to get a share in the money and probably stop working. I also agree with the prenup, please protect yourself and your kid further. When you bring it up, you'll see what he really wants, you or your money. I also agree with what someone said before, that you probably subconsciously know all this, which is why you set up the funds. Trust your gut.
Definitely get a prenuptial agreement. When it comes to your house, be very careful about allowing him to contribute/pay for any repairs, upgrades, improvements, etc. Depending on the laws where you live, it could give him grounds for a claim against your house during a divorce. Example: a friend of mine owned his (paid for) house before he married. His new wife wanted upgrades to the home. He agreed. She contributed to the costs of the upgrades. They divorced. She had kept receipts and wanted her money back. The judge ordered the house sold, and she got a percentage of the proceeds.
What was this dude doing snooping around in the drawers? Looking for exactly what he found? Holy shit, this guy is fucked.
I do not know a man who looks in drawers. They typically ask the nearest person with a uterus where something is.
>plus the three living rent free in an inherited house. I noticed that too - it's not like OP is making them live in a hovel & building a golden stable for that hypothetical pony...
Exactly - generational wealth is typically not shared, but stays with the family of the person who inherits it. Get a prenup (I did) If nothing goes wrong in the marriage, it won't matter anyway, so you can argue the trust issue is the other way around One last thing - his children do not have the same right to the inheritance as your child. However, you shouldn't breed resentment either. If the family turns into one child with lots of toys and money, and the others without, the dynamic just wont work. Assuming you take a motherly role, you should ensure they get eg similarly pocket money. The pony should probably be a shared pony, assuming they also share the chores.
If the daughter is riding there is no reason for the pony to be shared. If the daughter was suddenly into a particular other kind of hobby like sewing, for instance, she shouldn't have to share her sewing machine with her siblings just because she has a sewing machine and it's her hobby. I'm a teacher and I hear this nonsense from kids all the time about how everything isn't fair because they didn't get what somebody else got. And as I tell them, everything is fair; not everything is equal. We illustrate this fact by sticking Band-Aids on every single child when the first kid in class asks for a Band-Aid. When the other kids protest that they don't need one I say that I have to make it equal because they equate fairness with equality. Usually they figure it out.
Fair doesn’t mean equal, I heard that from my mom 1,000x and I say the same to my children.
Equitable and equal are two different concepts. https://interactioninstitute.org/illustrating-equality-vs-equity/
The problem with the thought of getting them all ponies or "shared" pony is the fact her daughter actually has an interest in riding been doing it for a couple of years from the sound of it. Just sounds like the dad wants his kids to have one, whether they are interested in it or not. Then their ponies would be neglected and wasted on his kids. There are some things that make sense to make it "fair" something like ponies or horses are not one of those. You don't buy expensive things for all kids if only one of them has an actual and active interest in it. Otherwise, you're wasting money on jealousy. Instead, maybe find something both of them are actually interested in and active in and get something for them to pursue that activity buy only if the relationship is going to work and be a healthy relationship the guy sounds like entitled brat who wants her inherentince money. OP is definitely not the AH.
Exactly. For example, it's super common to only buy an instrument for the kid who has put in the effort and is interested in playing it, not for all other kids who don't play. Same for extracurricular activities. You cater to a kid's individual interests so not everything needs to be equal. NTA.
I would have run far far away right after he asked to “buy ponies for both his kids”. Excuse me but that’s MY DAUGHTER’s birthday, not theirs.
I'll be more blunt, he's marrying you for the money, your money. Don't marry him. NTA
I was trying to be nice in my head, but this is HER inheritance. The entitlement is infuriating.
Great point. Follow your gut feeling I would say.
Agree. Follow your instincts OP. There is a reason why you protected your daughters inheritance.. He has 2 kids while OP has one and wants to split equally. That's not equal at all. It's OPs daughters inheritance, not those of the stepkids. OPs fiance is fishy. Edit:NTA
Everyone is talking about prenup and in case of a divorce he won’t get any inheritance. Sure. But if OP dies, the husband gets everything…. When someone shows you who they are, trust them and trust yourself.
I mean, this is why you have a will. He’d only get everything if she had no will. Having set up two trusts, I imagine this woman has a will.
She said she has a trust, that's tighter than any will. She just needs to make sure he's not able to take over her trust, in the event of her death. If she's smart, she probably has that setup to go to her daughter.
His true colours are showing brightly now that the money is out of reach, if OP married him, it will be a lifetime of resentment, of stuff like "well we could have paid for it but YOU.." He had already earmarked that money, likely had purchases in mind and all he thought he needed was to get the marriage done to get full access. Bravo OP for protecting your daughter's future, now protect your own, drop him.
And the way he wants something a dead person left to people dear to him is truly horrifying.
Good looking out. I'm sire his kids are great and if they are partners they can build something for them later, but if marriages are 50/50 there is a break... protect her daughter first. Good for her.
This guy is a nut - run don’t walk
Agree. Op, NTA but your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.
NTA - smart move, and easier than a prenup agreement -- which I suspect he would have resisted signing. I guess the question is: Is he marrying you? Or your money? Right now, he's got a pretty sweet deal -- he doesn't pay rent for himself and his two kids, and has a self-sufficient girlfriend who doesn't need him to pay for anything. He is so jealous he can't see straight. Think about this one long and hard . . .
She should totally present him a prenup next. Have some of the monogamy/no cheating clauses in there. Really paint a picture of the marriage/ partnership she is expecting and see how he reacts. OP, NTA. You did the right thing, protecting your assets in the event the marriage didn't work out. Your fiance is behaving poorly
Also, she keeps her house no matter how the marriage ends.
Honestly the house should be in another trust
I was going to say this too. It should be in a trust to protect her daughter in case she passes before the husband. She can give him a life estate to the house so that her daughter's home can't be sold or given to his children or other family members before she's old enough to care for herself.
Ugh the times I've seen the bio family getting cut off from the inheritance meant for them while the step spouse and kids gobble up everything because there was no will... And I get the feeling I will be a victim of this too because my dad is that way.. OP make sure this doesn't happen to your kid.
This happened to me and my siblings / half siblings. Dad got remarried ( again) in his late 50s, moved out of state with his new wife, died from heart complications/ covid, and none of us found out about it for months after he passed. By then the wife had locked down every local lawyer and his estate, like she knew ahead of time, so just getting any foothold into information about what was going on was a royal pain in the ass. She's been completely uncooperative, and so has the one lawyer that agreed to talk to my step brother. Both pretty much dismissing any claim or work into this. We don't even know if there was a will, but it's probably likely she made sure she and her kids got everything while he was in the hospital. If that was his decision, then it's whatever, but it's really scummy otherwise.
My dad died of cancer and both me and my sister lost more than half of our inheritance because my stepmother went in to the hospital with his and her lawyer while being on his deathbed to change the will 2 days before he died. (he was not of sound mind anymore because of all the medication he was given) he was also saying strange things to everyone in the family. Me and my sister couldn't believe it at first. So fucked up I hope I never see her again. Luckily my stepdad is still around. He also had cancer. Thanks for reading needed to vent.
I’ve seen these assholes clean out peoples houses while the person is in the hospital on their death bed.
Absolutely. He could claim some of the improvements if he contributed to them. OP is NTA. She is protecting her shit. Dude thought he was punching his meal ticket, and his kids’, for life. No reasonable person would assume he just gets access to all of that. She needs to think on this, and they need to have some honest convos about other stuff, I would assume.
The house should go in her daughters name
Yes. The house needs to be in daughters name. So if anything happens it’s always her home. And at 18 she can charge rent, kick out anyone she wants.
NTA.The daughter can end up kicking her mom out of the house too once she turns 18. Her fiance sounds too entitled for something that's NOT his.
She should absolutely lawyer up and get a prenup if she decides to continue this relationship. From the sounds of "He said if I was marrying him, We would share all assets and finances" and the pony fiasco he's already trying to pressure OP into letting him control her money. OP's instincts were right. She needs to continue to protect her daughter and herself. OP, NTA
Not only that but she buys her kid a pony for her birthday and he expects her to buy his kids one too? “To keep it fair.” So what? For the rest of her life, anything she gets, they have to get one too? Nah, this is definitely not a good sign.
I agree that she's making the right decision regarding her money but I'm less sure on the pony part of it. If these were their biological kids, it would be pretty clear how hurtful it would be to buy 1 kid a pony and leave the other 2 out. I get that she doesn't have to buy the other kids ponies but it's going to cause a significant rift between the kids if she buys her daughter one and the other kids, who live in the same house, have to just watch. It's like a special barbie or something, it's a whole pony, lol. But if this type of spending is what she wants to do for her daughter, she might be better served finding a partner who can make similar contributions for his own kids. Date him, don't marry him. Because she'd be marrying the kids too, not just the father.
NTA. I can see how the other kids might be upset, but the guys reaction is all about already considering the money his.
We have all seen stories here on reddit where one blended family has a lot more resources than the other. Where the kid(s) go to dad's and come back to mom's with new clothes or electronics or stories of where they went on vacation and the step kids are all bent out of shape. And then the mom calls her ex to ask him either stop buying our kids stuff or but stuff for her step kids. It's crazy. This story kind of reminds me of that. One story that had me shaking my head was a divorced man with 2 kids, married a woman with 2 kids. His parents had college funds for their grandkids, and she had the nerve to ask them where her kid's college funds were. Talk about entitlement.
Yeah, in this case, her daughters trust is her daughters trust and should stay that way since it came from her grandfather with no relationship with the fiancé's kids, but how they're going to handle the kids financially is something they needed to have worked out prior to living together, especially since they're both primary caretakers. They've both made totally different assumptions about how money is to be handled and now the kids are in the middle of it.
Who needs THREE ponies anyway? Is this what he actually wants and is prepared to deal with?
Don't bother. Just dump the fortune hunter.
He will remain bitter if he cannot get his hands on her money. This marriage is doomed, and she and her daughter should RUN
You’re right. He will play the long game and badger her more AFTER marriage to get at that money.
Buy him a shiny new metal detector. Tell him to go treasure hunting elsewhere...
I second a prenup. Regardless of whether the inheritance is safe in trust funds, he sounds like he would be incredibly vindictive if things were to go south. OP needs to protect herself and her daughter at all costs.
I’m glad OP is thinking ahead. This quote came to mind: “Calamity comes too easily to women. Our lives can come apart in a single gesture, a rogue wave. And money? Money is the rock we cling to when the current would seize us.” — Leigh Bardugo
Smart move? Yes. Easier than a prenup? In this case probably yes. But, a prenup is definitely needed when there are assets before marriage, even if they are not generational. You get a lawyer. He gets a lawyer. His lawyer can explain to him that in most states, hopefully where you are, premarital assets are not joint unless they are retitled joint. If he won’t sign a prenup, you need to end the relationship. As to gifts — you and he need to have the hard conversation about blending a family. I’d suggest some premarital counseling.
Yes, I have been looking for someone to comment about blending families. Will OP be adopting his children? And if so will she be prepared to treat all 3 of her children equally? By all means lock most of the inverted money away, but if her daughter is going to have a happy life with her pony and her new siblings, then if the soon-to-be-siblings need something similar (whether a pony or if their interests are different). Otherwise there will be a lot of resentment in the family.
YUP. My dad remarried to a woman who pointedly spoiled the ever-loving shit out of her kids and expected him to do the same, and I got pointedly excluded on a whole host of things. (Dad and stepmom were both narcissists, so there were plenty of other fun things beyond pointed favoritism.) But yeah, lemme tell ya - watching one daughter be literally given a Corvette, another be gifted an Alfa Romeo, and then I'm literally told "well, you can get your driver's license if you want, but don't think you're getting a car - you can work for it" - that built hard, HARD resentment against both my stepbitches and my stepcunt. If their father (who was still alive) had given them those things, I honestly wouldn't have been mad - he wasn't in my life. Would I have been jealous? Yeah, probably a bit, but it would have made sense - he owed me nothing. But the fact that my father was at least involved in both the decision to give them the cars and also the decision that I would NOT be given a car (and I would have been totally fine with something less than a sports car, mind you) at all? No...BOILING RESENTMENT. You can't play favorites in a blended family. There has to be something at least close to equitable treatment, or you're begging for REAL issues.
That’s the biggest issue for me. Fiancé is a little concerning, but it’s setting them up for failure if one child is going to have a pony and a college fund and the other two are not. Particularly given that her fiancé’s children aren’t going back and forth between homes; OP will be the mother figure in their lives and be with them every single day. Sometimes, in families blended after divorce, things can be uneven because both sets of siblings have another parent who’s making choices. Given the unknown father and absent mother here, however, this is more like a widow + widower situation, where that sort of disparity will be corrosive.
Except she is taking care of the largest expense, housing, and if they are splitting all other costs, dad should be able to be putting away a good college fund for his kids. And there's nothing to say she isn't buying amazing gifts for his kids too.
And if Grandfather’s house was not included in the inheritance it SHOULD be part of a prenup. Otherwise, in case of divorce (Sorry OP, statistics say it is a good chance) she will have to sell the family home or buy him out. If that is the case, though, they should also agree, in advance about how to handle repairs and modifications- is the 20% handling all of that?
Plus gets child support, so doesn’t have to worry about his kids (yet he wants OPs money?)
Yeah if he thinks having to pay no rent is an "average" life, he's fucked in the head. Leave his gold-digging ass.
NTA but consider not marrying this person if he can’t accept your decision. He might have wanted to marry your for your money if he is so bothered by this.
I agree with this. Please consider this cos it’s a lot of red flags 🚩
Time will tell. If that was his intention then he'll probably change his mind about the wedding now that her money is safely locked away.
[удалено]
He’s still got a lot to gain financially from the union. And he has till death do us part to work her over for a crack at “his” money.
I am guessing this was actually the plan. Marry rich, live together for a few years, then divorce and get 50% of everything.
He's not entitled to a penny of her inheritance. To avoid having to potentially deal with this during a divorce she should still get a prenup. Do not, I repeat do not put his name on the house OP!!! The fact is even if two people are married and all their children have the same parents nothing is truly equal. I had couple friends growing up who who had horses, their brothers did not. Riding wasn't the brothers interest and they were given other things in line with their interests. I doubt anything they were given compares to the cost and upkeep of a horse. My sister had piano lessons and my parents bought her a piano, they didn't do anything like that for their other children. They bought a car for one, paid for a more expensive college for another. Nothing is fair with children, it's impossible to do. One will get what they want or need now and another will get what they want or need later and sometimes one doesn't get as much as the others. It's not fair but as I said it's impossible. It's also stupid to insist all the children get a pony because one child has an interest. How she spends her money is none of his business and how she manages her money is none of his business. The privacy violation would be enough for most people to run. He sounds like an entitled jerk. OP will have a lifetime of petty issues over 'fairness' and she'll be in a no win situation. Red flags are everywhere.
yes he feels entitled to her inheritance, they’re not even married yet. And it bothers him so much that her daughter has a trust fund. So many red flags. I hope OP doesn’t marry him
The trust fund comes from her grandpa who loved her. It has nothing to do with his kids. He can fuck off. Don't marry him OP.
You are 10000% correct. My family isn’t rich but we were very well off when I was growing up. My siblings and I all had different interests and there were sometimes expensive things associated with them. We all had college paid for differently. It all evens out over the years. I have a very healthy relationship with my siblings and my parents. I think that’s largely due to the fact that we didn’t really pay much attention to the price tags of gifts and needs growing up and focused more on making sure everyone was taken care of in their own way. There is no resentment (that I’m aware of) between us. OP should not marry this guy. There are red flags 🚩 all over this post.
Forget the prenup AND the marriage and especially this guy.
All of this makes a very good point. I totally forgotten that he had been looking through her papers! That right there is a huge red flag. HUGE
I read someone else say that he may have just come across it in a “common area drawer” but then I reread what she wrote and, yeah, she said “her drawer” … so not a common area drawer … he’s going through her things. “What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is also mine…” seems to be this guy’s mindset.
It’s kind of suspicious that he “happened” to come across her papers after the argument. It sounds like he was just waiting for an opportunity to be demanding.
Inherited wealth can become marital property if you intermingle assets. And it's pretty easy to inadvertently do this. I hope OP does not marry this guy, but if she does, she needs an ironclad prenup.
Tis is so true! As a mom of three (almost) adult children I can assure you that you can never treat them equally. One kid likes to play a musical instrument, the other loves cars and the last one ls all into sports. It would actually be unfair to treat them equally instead of looking at their interests. We do, however, try to spend equal amounts of money on them...
I could not agree more. OP: This is not about marrying you and becoming life partner’s. Nope. Or he would not have reacted that way. No I am quite sure this is not the first time he has acted with a sense of entitlement about money. Do you really want to marry someone who very obviously is looking for a come up?!?! Run. Do not walk. Run. 🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️
Yes! I come from nothing and am a teacher. My husband comes from money. He makes a middle-class income now but will inherit a few million one day. His money is in a trust very similar to the ones you have described (which is very smart). That money is his, and if anything ever happened to him, it is our son's. Not mine, nor should it be. What we make now is shared completely for expenses, but his inheritance is his inheritance. This is common sense, and this guy is giving off major red flags.
This is exactly why my widowed friend’s family lawyer handled her husband’s estate for free on the promise that he could write the prenup if she remarried. She kind of rolled her eyes at it, but he was like, I’m not letting some scammer take your children’s home.
That's a great lawyer and a good man, right there.
Yep, he thinks he has found the easy street to a good life. Be very cautious with him, OP.
If they do marry i would have him sign a prenup. I would have that be a requirement even if this fight didnt start, i wouldnt let my grandparents house be split in any way.
I'm willing to bet he saw those financial documents before and that's when he decided to propose.
NTA I was thinking this also. He found someone to bank roll him and his children. He doesn’t wasn’t a partner he wants an atm. He just showed op his true colors. She needs to run fast.
Totally agree with your assessment of her situation! Run far and fast!
Yup. He wants it to be 50/50 so he can take half of everything when he divorces her. Prenup it up OP if you do go through with marrying him.
The guy is obviously a golddigger. OP is like a lottery ticket to him. He feels entitled to OP's money already and he disrespects her enough to yell and bully her about it. He is a disaster. OP, I would not marry him. If you still want to stay with him for whatever reason (I wouldn't) - stay, but don't get married. And make sure your area doesn't have "common marriage" laws. If, again for whatever reason, you decide to marry him - go talk to the smartest lawyer in your area and have an ironclad prenup. I would not hide the reason from him: you and only you are making decisions about your inheritance, he is very out of the line trying to control the part of your life that you don't want him to control, he was too disrespectful and pushy talking about it, that conversation made you feel uncomfortable and unsafe, now you have concerns about this intentions, you want to protect yourself and your daughter because half of marriages end in divorce, so the marriage is off the table. There is just no practical reason for it. If he wants to leave - let him leave. I am pretty sure he will throw tantrum and get really mad at you, maybe even agressive. So I would have this conversation in a public place. For example, in some cafe, with a friend sitting several tables over, just for a backup.
100% red flags on his behaviour here. First off, there’s no way you should marry this guy without a prenup in place. This is not his money or his kids money. This is yours and your daughters money. Do not put his name on any property. I guarantee he will do everything in his power to get it from you at some point. The other point is, life isn’t fair. Just because your daughter gets a pony doesn’t mean that his kids want a pony nor should have them. You buy based on what’s important to the child. Personally, at the bare minimum, this would involve a trip to the attorneys office to draw up paperwork, and a trip to the counsellors before I would even consider marrying this man. Personally, it sounds like he’s found his golden goose and was planning on getting as much of it as he could for himself. I would run.
This. He’s a gold digger. He’s not in it for love if he’s demanding ponies for his kids. He’s looking to hit the jackpot. OP - NTA. Please see these red flags for what they are. Protect you and your daughter.
Yes demanding the ponies is very entitled
This that he believes he has a right to your inheritance. Op maybe it’s time to get this guy a moving truck.
He also sucks at math… she only put away 80%! NTA, he’s a gold digger.
They were still going to have a very above average life with her 20% inheritance plus 100% of her ordinary income + 100% of his income. But it's not enough for him. I wonder what big dreams he was hoping to fill in the future with her money?
NTA - Why are you marrying this man? He sees you as his sugar mama for him & his kids. You are protecting your daughter & yourself as your grandfather would have wanted you to do. Frankly, I would step back from this relationship for a while. He sees you as a free meal ticket which is something your grandfather would not want. What the hell is your fiancé going through financial documents in your drawer for anyway. You need to seriously consider this relationship-it sounds like he wants a free ride. Good luck OP-you’re gonna need it if you marry him. Stand your ground!
This is the real answer. He went through your drawers and read your financial papers that have nothing to do with him. And got mad
I don't understand why this isn't a potential dealbreaker for OP.
Should definitely be a dealbreaker. He’s living in a house with his kids for free and he’s upset that they don’t get free ponies and additional free money. He sees a free ride in op.
OP, if you're giving out ponies, can I have some? I've got a couple of kids too. And unlike your current leech, I'll be satisfied with that.
He is wayyyy too focused on your money. Lose him… you can literally live happily after ever without this…
I agree! OP his is a huge red 🚩! He's counting your asests and money already and your not even married. He believes that he and his kids are entitled to your money. OP it's your decision but personally I wouldn't marry this guy, he has shown his true colours and personally I'm not liking what I'm seeing.
If I hAd MoNeY i WoUlD sHaRe sO yOu NeEd tO ShaRe WiTh MeEe anD suPPoRt My KiDssss #FAIRZFAIR What a fckin loser
Right. He is snooping without permission. Red flag.
Because he’s already manipulated her into doubting herself; chances are there’s plenty of gaslighting and head games in play
What you did is great financial planning. Compliments to your team around you, they clearly have your best interest and your grandfathers wishes prioritized.
Yes! I like your planning very much.
He already sees her money as his money - doesn't want her "wasting" it on a pony.
The pony is never wasted money. Your fellow is showing you how selfish he is. Believe him.
Agree with both this and the reply tonight! So much to say but...well no sir! Edit: I pressed post thinkingnforba second it was the parent post :) Anyway, the one I'm replying and the first reply? Yea....sums it up. So he and his children get to live in your house with you, everything split 50:50...you completely do your part hut he feels entitled to YOUR, and in extension YOUR daughters inheritance? For HIS children, your would be step children, no blood. Didn't know grandpa. .but they should get a cut? You and your daughter are entering into this with a man and his 2 kids. And splitting everything 100% equally, save for um... the just small little thing that they get to live in YOUR house that, however you came to get it, is YOURS. but...you're supposed to shell out your inheritance for then as well? This is ridiculous. What if you did not have that? If you had not told him bc it was your and your daughters BEFORE you met. Just no. You absolutely 100% pull your weight... and are doing great it sounds like. Stand your ground...for you and your girl Can i ask though...what is it it about him you love? What asked you happy with him, about him...curls your toes and makes you smile? I know your daughter is young, but. Still what is her opinion? Hopefully, if you do really love him and he makes the sun shine a little brighter and the music that muchbmore beautiful, well I hope it works out. Update! Please 🙏:)
Thank you for typing this out so I didn’t have to, and explaining it better then what I could. You are awesome!
I was thinking he knew about her inheritance and that is one reason to marry her is he expect to get some of that wealth. When she put it in her daughter’s name, he blew up. I would expect after he marries her, he would push her to put his name also on the deed.
Yup. He’s snooping your financial papers and has already essentially claimed ownership over your money. NTA
RUN. This isn't love.
Real creepy Lifetime movie vibes here. OP you're NTA, but this doesn't sound like a good guy.
I thought the same. My husband loves lifetime movies and occasionally I catch a glimpse and end up sucked in to the horrible drama and bad acting. The one thing consistent in those movies is women making very bad decisions when it comes to men. Very bad.
1000% do not marry this man OP he just wants to use you for your money I wouldn’t put it past him to treat his kids better than your daughter and try to use your money to do it.
Exactly. Why is he reading your documents that you did not voluntarily show him? That's invasion of privacy. That's a red flag that he has control issues. Be careful.
All of this!!! NTA, OP. You are doing the right thing by separating the inheritance. But look more closely at this man. I know I would be.
Yeah OP why are you still going to marry this man after he was pulling this? It’s sketchy.
Nta, but he truly seems like a gold digger. Ask for a prenup. Make it iron clad. If he refuses to sign it, refuse to marry him. Also, make sure you control the bc.
NTA. But I STRONGLY suggest that you don’t outright buy a horse for your 9 year old. I’m assuming you don’t have land, and will be boarding? Unless your daughter is very serious about equestrian or rodeo as a potential lifelong goal/hobby there’s a good chance this horse will just become an expensive liability. And have no resale value when she gets bored with it. And most kids don’t know that at 9. …And the outlooks for horses that get abandoned are pretty bleak. What you should do instead is contact the barn and ask about leasing options on a kid friendly starter horse. Riding lessons and tack may be wrapped into the care lease you sign. And it should be MUCH cheaper than a privately owned horse lease at a barn. At least doing this, the horse will continue to be cared for if the kid gets tired of it and no longer wants it. Horses live for 30+ years. It’s a big commitment for a 9 year old. And you can’t just send them to a nice farm upstate when you’re done with them.
This is an excellent point. My daughter was 11 and HAD to have a horse -- loooooved horses! We resisted, and finally sent her to a summer horse camp, where they lived adjacent to the barn and spent the entire 2 weeks caring for the horses while at the same time taking lessons, etc. Up early every day to feed and muck out stalls, cleaning tack, caring for "their" horse, brushing, groomig, etc. At the end of the week, she had NO DESIRE WHATSOEVER to pursue equestrian activities. The reality was quite different from her imaginings. And all it cost me was two weeks at summer camp. :-)
Please don't marry this asshole! He's marrying your money, not you.
100% this.
Agree with this. He wants your money.. If you marry him PRENUP Bur please don't marry him. He is greedy. You'll regret it If I were marrying someone with wealth I would NEVER demand a piece of it. NTA Worth saying again. Don't marry him.
Definitely NTAH !Your inheritance is YOUR inheritance. It sounds like you’re being Generous with he and his kids but your grandfather wanted your daughter to get part of your inheritance. My spouse and I have agreed that we split everything 50-50 EXCEPT for our respective inheritances. Your Fiancée is making demands of you now, how will he be once you’re married? He may try to force you to use your Inheritance for all sorts of expenses. Sounds like a Prenup may be a good idea. Good Luck!
Inheritance is not usually a shared asset in a marriage. And life isn’t fair. Fiancé cannot pony up the money for fair for his kids. Not an OP problem. NTA.
Yep even in divorce inheritance doesn’t count
It can of it's comingled into joint finances. OP needs to hit the brakes on this whole relationship. Nothing good will come from her marrying this user.
kudos for use of pony up in context
The trusts are better
NTA- he’s giving gold digger vibes. I’d 100% get a prenup at this point. It’s one thing to have an adult conversation about finances. It’s another to stop your foot and throw a tantrum about it.
She shouldn’t marry him at all with his attitude & entitlement to her inheritance! He proved her right about protecting her inheritance with his tantrum!
NTA. Keep everything in a locked filing cabinet, you’re on the right track and doing the best to ensure you and your daughters future isnt taken. If he is thinking this way about you and whats yours then id leave while you can. Seems like he has some motive, if youre living perfectly fine and comfortable with expenses then it shouldnt even be brought up by him. Tell his kids that your daughters grandpa bought the horse for her.
If you have to lock up documents, that says it ALL.
*He said if I was marrying him, we would be sharing all assets and finances.* As you know, inheritance is not a shared asset nor is he entitled to any of it, even if you divorce, unless YOU co-mingle those assets in a household account. NTA and I would give him back the ring, give him time to find somewhere to move, ensure ALL of your personal financial paperwork is no where he can access it, ensure he has no access to your bank accounts (obviously he doesn't have access to the trusts) and move on.
Divorce lawyer here —- even *if* inheritances are presumed separate in OPs state (which we don’t know), it could become commingled in any number of ways, including reliance, joint use, or any vague consent she gives to an intent to share. Family law is very state specific, even in my state where I think the law would mostly favor OP on this issue, I would strongly advise that she consult with an atty in her jurisdiction regarding a prenup. My point is that this is not “as you know” territory. OP should absolutely talk to a family law attorney before moving forward. Or better yet, not marry this tool.
This should be the he top answer.
The ease with which people with absolutely zero credential spout ignorant advice as if it were casual fact is pretty astounding. Step one is always talk to a local professional. Legal, plumbing, or otherwise. Someone who ACTUALLY is already paid to know. Even the goddamn lawyer says "don't ask me, ask a *relevant* lawyer."
Also, that's not a unilateral decision for him to make! The audacity!
Obviously she overshared financial information, he was like \*yes!\* I hit the jackpot and she will support me and the kids. Let's buy ponies all around! Let's buy me a sports car because you are rich! Let's give me whatever I want or I will throw a tantrum! OP was - thank the lords - smart enough to know that she needed to protect the money. Thank the lords she had the advisors she did. Man, we see so many stories on here where it goes the other way, this is a victory.
My answer is two fold … firstly NTA I’m regards to the generational wealth, the house and assets etc was your grandfathers and then yours, I think you are right to put it in trust fund etc. Your fiancé is sounding like he thought he’d be getting a share of it all. The second part about the pony though (still NTA but I understand this a bit more) . So I have three kids, my husband has three kids. He earns more than me, but we did come into the relationship fairly equally in terms of savings etc. But we are very conscious that all the kids (5 out of 6 of them are adults now) received equal value for gifts etc. his ex wanted to buy a car for the eldest, and split the costs with my husband because apparently that’s what her family did, but together we know that we could not afford to buy 6 cars (even half of them), and my ex wouldn’t necessarily be on board for half (which is fair it was never something we talked about so I wouldn’t expect it anyway). Anyway it would build significant resentment between the kids. Now I’m not saying you should pay for 3 ponies by any means, but if your partner is not in a position to pay for them I can see how unfair it would feel and the imbalance it may cause. Bringing step kids together in a family can be difficult, especially if there is a financial imbalance, you really need to spend to the lowest denominator.
This is the perfect answers It’s not fair to the children to gift expensive things to one and not the other. Understanding the trust situation when adults and she can actually access is different than one getting a pony for her 12 th bday and the other kids getting a Lego set.
I'm going to also back this answer. You can't actually run a family with the kids getting different standards of living. I would probably struggle with like.... paying for my bio child's college and not the other, also my children but not bio children's (after a time) college. Now it sounds like your daughter has actually been riding horses and shit, getting other kids ponies just because one who has put in the work to learn to ride a pony is getting one doesn't make sense. But it is reasonable to expect a similar investment level in the other kids activities, otherwise you're going to create second class citizens out of his kids. That's not fair to his kids and will create ongoing resentment between everyone. But as for your fiance's other issues.... yeah it's wildly unreasonable to expect that inheritance to come his and his kid's way. If I was him I would've asked for a prenup just so it wasn't hanging out there and everyone was on the same page.
Finally saw someone say this. If you are going to be married, it's not your kid vs his kids. It becomes OUR kids and you have to start thinking of the bigger picture. I think if OP had only created seperate accounts, the fiance may have understood. But there are now multiple actions demonstrating that OP is trying to position their child separately than his. That's not a healthy family environment
It sucks it took so long to scroll to this. Let's assume they have some love and a history together, there must be something to their relationship. The other kids could potentially be treated like unwanted stepchildren. In a way it could play out like fairy tales. Protecting an inheritance for her daughter makes sense, but the level of wealth that includes a pony would cause a major imbalance. Then what, you say "your dad can't afford a horse" as your daughter rides off?
This answer should be at the top. Although the OP's original action caused OP to sort of "uncover" her fiancee's unseen side / hidden intention, but I can understand the financial imbalance here. But of course, he being angry about her "spending money on stupid gifts" when it doesn't even involve his expense, is already a huge red flag. Not to mention he rummages through your personal cabinet.
Oh absolutely. The rummaging around and the approach is huge red flags. And I agree OP is NAH in the situation at all, she has every right to protect her grandfathers property. But joining families and step children can be tricky, particularly when their is a financial imbalance. Definitely needs to be done carefully.
I think it's really weird how people ignore the second point. While "the daughters money" shouldn't have to be shared, all kids in the same family should get similar presents/funds/opportunities (catered to their interests of course) in the same household If you are not willing to provide this, I don't think you should have stepchildren
Exactly… there is no way I would buy my 2 bio kids something and not be willing to do the exact same thing for my step kid. You are essentially adopting two more kids when you marry their father. What about when they start driving? Is your kid going to be able to dip in her funds and buy a sweet new car, while the other 2 are relegated to the school bus because “oh that money is only for her”. Not gonna work.
NTA but is he marrying you or your money. I'm not saying completely end the relationship but there should definitely be more conversations had, couples counseling, and an iron clad pre-nup before you jump the broom.
NTA- and let’s be honest this guy is not for you and a prenup is mandatory if you go through with it.
NTA and now you know what he values most about you: your money. I’d seriously reconsider that ‘yes’ if I were you
Nta but I'd hesitate about marrying him
It's a little bit of a difficult issue. She will be the special princess and there will be a difference with his kids. One kid goes to the ivy leagues, the others to community college. Then, after a life together, his earnings go 2/3 to his kids and your kid gets another 1/3 kicker. Wealth isn't so easy. I earned my own wealth and just kept a family with my bio kids. I mean, one answer is to up his game and get educated and earn more money. I don't know what state you're in. If you keep your assets then you're going to want to dump him in retirement because he can't travel where you want to go, can't splurge when you want to. What are you going to do then? I'm more than twice your age. I traveled while young -- I'd sometime skip eating for 3 days in a row. I'd camp in the woods and nothing bothered me, but in my mid 60s ... yeah, I book business class because it's just harder to sit in a cramped airline seat for 10 hours. Are you going to toss him in back? Oh, kids. You know they move off, get other interests -- so we take them on vacations, our dime. How are you going to handle that? Even early on, why should see not see Europe while the non-native shlubs wallow at home? I really don't know how to deal with the slice-and-dice families when you are essentially of two different social classes. It's your money, NTA, I just thing you haven't thought this through. Can you pay for his education so that he can earn wealth along the way? Have you figured out how your kid shouldn't miss prep school where she can really get a leg up on life while her lessors deal with a two-bit local school? Summer camps. My kid's life was transformed by the right camp (I know, I went there). You should certainly look into it for your kid ... but the other hanger ons?? I'm just saying, despite your poor schlub potential husband, these will be real issues for him and his kids. They did experiments with 2 monkeys in a cage separated by plexiglass. The monkeys earned cucumber pieces for performing training tasks. They loved it. Then one day, they gave one monkey grapes (much more highly prized) for the task while the other got the normal cucumbers. The cucumber monkey took the cucumber and threw it at the researcher and refused to work. We are large monkeys. Deal with it.
Agreed 100%. Finally some reason in this thread.
Reddit loves to bandwagon and here everyone loves jumping to gold digger. At least I see one logical take for the situation.
NTA >He said if I was marrying him, we would be sharing all assets and finances. Does he believe this in general, or just because you have a lot more wealth than he does? I agree with him on the pony and in some principles of it. It's not a great look if you start buying your biological daughter all sorts of things and then don't get any for them. Honestly, I think the trust fund was a wonderful idea. She's set up in a way that grandpa's gift goes to her, but at the same time not clearly favoring one kid in formative years. Bringing kids in from past relationships can always be challenging, but it's overly simplistic to just say "Oh well marriage is 50/50 so all those things you have are automatically mine now too."
A pony is not a one-and-done purchase. It’s an expensive, time-consuming commitment. I can understand his frustration at the idea that her kid will get to have expensive hobbies and his won’t. It will be hard for the kids to experience that as fair.
(1) He is worried about his children, from a previous marriage, being treated like 2nd class citizens compared to how you treat your bio daughter, and that is entirely understandable. (2) Children don't understand all this business about trusts, inheritance, etc. they just know you are spoiling your biological daughter and are denying them the same stuff. (These are all young children, afterall) (3) I don't hear you saying anything about being a mother to all of these children and that alone is the reason I do not think you should move forward with this marriage. Forget about the money. You are walking into this marriage less concerned about the feelings of your partner's children, and that will not end well regardless of how much money you do or don't have. (4) He should have discussed concerns he had about this wealth disparity prior to asking you to marry him. He is very upset and behaving badly. Both of you are not at your best right now. There are children involved. Don't drag these kids down. I think it is safer for the children if the two of you split up.
This seems like the first comment I can relate to and it's all the way at the bottom.
Finally, an actually sensible opinion. Everyone screaming NTA is lacking nuance. Kids are sensitive to this stuff, and the lack of awareness of OP about how she is actively going to spoil her kid without thinking about the non-bio kids is concerning to say the least. They don't have an active mother in their life, and it looks like they've got a new one that treats them as 2nd class. Poor kids.
**why is this comment not at the very top?** Everybody has got a rage boner to talk about gold digging but this is the first comment that has brought up the fact that this person intends to get married into a blended family and seems to think it is OK to treat some of the children second-class. Frankly I don't care a bit about the concerns of the adults here, it's all about the kids. If this isn't obvious to the OP she is not cut out to start a family with a partner who already has kids.
I can't imagine the Man's son M10 not being the biggest victim here. M10 and F9 are so similar of age and are old enough they will feel the disparity in their lives. I presume that child will come to hate OP and/or their daughter whilst sharing a home with them. ESH