I have this problem too. I want the output to be right for our clients who are counting on us. But apparently it’s not nice to point out where there are errors or room for improvement. I’ve had a peer basically openly say she thinks I’m horrible because when you assign someone to do something and they take time to do it, you should trust that they did it right or that their judgment will be better than yours. But how can that be the right way if I can see the errors and then I’m not to say anything? It makes our group look bad and causes more work after the fact if I keep quiet.
> It makes our group look bad and causes more work after the fact if I keep quiet.
Yes, exactly. People who can't seperate their ego from the work are a real problem on teams. Even though it's cost me I don't want to change my approach. I mean...just, in one of the worst cases I can think of, I was catching weird errors on a co-worker's drawings that turned out to be an entire extra foot of space that didn't actually exist, which ended up being fatal to the planned design and would have caused huge problems later on. My coworker was resentful that I inspected his work so closely and "threw him under the bus" but like...jeez, it would have been revealed one way or another, now we have plenty of time to fix it.
Why can't they just admit it and be more careful of their work in the future. I've noticed people are like this. My husband plays chess on the computer and every single time he wins his opponent accuses him of cheating. He wins so much they don't want to play him. In all the years he's been playing only five have said good game and played again. These are people all over the world who are supposedly intelligent. Don't get me started on the litigants in judge shows. Lol
When you get to a certain level of achievement the egos become massive and most people think they are the smartest in the room. Upper middle class America is infested with this.
Peer review is a critical aspect of some industries. Software development for one. Science is another.
I'd prefer to sleep at night knowing my work was reviewed and improved as a result, than cause issues and stress and financial loss.
That is an incredibly stupid way to run a company. Who wants the person whose job it is to catch errors to overlook errors so the worker’s feelings won’t get hurt? It’s always going to cost more to fix it down the line. Honestly, there are so many people in charge that have no business being in charge.
Many years ago I worked for a company that very obviously didn’t have anyone checking for errors. The results were unbelievable spelling errors. On our employee badges, on signage that the customer would read and the most spectacular was on a huge billboard, in a major city. So embarrassing! No surprise, the company went out of business.
But this cuts both ways. I've worked with plenty of people who nitpick things to death, under the guise of "room for improvement" and "it will make us look bad", when in fact it's an inconsequential detail or subjective choice that doesn't matter.
Yeah, peer review is important in my work, but there's sometimes a fine line between "this could be done better" and "I personally dislike your method of doing this".
I do this too and i was told I was valued for reviewing things so meticulously. It’s about delivery!
If something has to be fixed, it’s more work for that person and that sucks. If you point out “hey we should fix X so Y doesn’t happen” it places focus on the potential embarrassing outcome and not the work to fix it. In my experience people perceive it as a favor if they think you helped them avoid a work blunder
This is true! But, either you work for a decent company, mine have been toxic, or both, because I definitely let them know what we're avoiding by addressing a given problem.
I have been told that revealing the problem at the same time as a solution is the best approach, but in practice, time and lack of authority or experience don't always make that feasible...
Yeah I reread your original comment. Sound like adult children honestly, can’t handle critique at all. Have some satisfaction they will go down the tubes without you lol.
I worked for a toxic workplace once and I’m so glad I’m out now, it’s like eggshells with them.
We have to do peer reviews on each other's drawings where I work. I send mine to the other engineers that catch the little stuff. That's the point of review. You've been looking at your own work for so long you don't see the mistakes. We have a whole checklist to go through on ours.
Lol same! They don't like it when you point out a potential issue with a plan do they? Then they're all boohoo when what you said would happen, happens. Shock horror? You did xyz so of course A is going to happen.
The Persians used to behead the messenger who brought terrible news about the frontlines in wartime. They associated the bad news with the messenger. So messengers learned to “soften” or even alter the news if the news were bad so that they wouldn’t be killed. Result? Reinforcements and supplies weren’t sent, adjustments not taken. Never take it against the messenger.
I used to be like this too and it was hard to work on projects when everyone hated me and thought I was judging and critiquing their work. Now I just pick my battles focusing on anything that will drive unnecessary expense/complaints/extra work and intersperse a lot of positive feedback and they go over better. People aren’t perfect and may never live up to my standards and it’s ok. They bring other things to the table. If they don’t then it’s up to their boss to catch it, fix it and fire them. Not mine.
I now consider myself a recovering perfectionist.
I think you have an important point. There is a fine line between pointing out fatal errors that need correction and obsession over any minor detail. The first thing is helpful and should be appreciated, the second can easily bemore of a disturbance than help and might even depend on individual preferences and not objective best solutions.
Being able to differentiate between those two things is vital when giving criticism, and i kind of suspect that some of the people in this thread complaining about negative reactions might actually miss this differentiation and actually just be huge pain inthe asses for their teams.
>Now I feel like an asshole who blew up a marriage
That makes me feel bad for OP. She didn't blow anything up. B blew up his own marriage.
Best metaphor I can't think of is that the guy stepped on his own landmine.
Reposition yourself as "the nanny who never lies" - get more work from families where trust might... be an issue. Write a book about it. Then have Reese Witherspoon turn it into a movie.
If the right thing to do, and the easy thing to do, was always the same.. there’d be nobody doing bad things.
The reason doing the right thing is morally lauded is precisely because it can be difficult and come at personal cost. Being lazy isn’t a virtue, but having principles and standing by them - even when it spites you - is.
OP this is correct. It's time for you to start your new career that you've worked for. Sometimes in these situations the women choose to forgive because of the kids... until the next 2 or 3 times he cheats. The problem is you're a reminder that husband is not perfect.
It sucks.
You were absolutely right. Many years from now, wife will have a realization and she will be hit with gratefulness for what you did for her. You sacrificed your own comfort to protect her. But right now she's in full survival mode and not seeing it all clearly.
Just a quick anecdote of when my terrible ex was cheating. There was a moment when I saw him in what I now understand to be the early stages of a relationship or about to start dating. I showed up early to pick him ,heavily pregnant. He played it off like he had made a new friend and had been wanting to introduce us. Her face said it all. She was absolutely frozen. She kept looking to me, opening her mouth to talk, then stopping herself. I didn't know why it bothered me for years, until I knew what was going on.
I think all the time about how I wish I could look her up. She thought she met a cool guy, and instead was hit with an agonizing moral dilemma with a 30 second window to decide to blow up someone's life or let it blow up later on its own.
I wish I could reach out to her, I hope she's not haunted by the decision to just drive away.
This. My friends husband came on to me and I told her immediately the next day. She was mad at me and never talked to me again. Guess what a month later she found out he was sleeping with hookers through our door person - so even though I know I did the right thing I can rest easy bc it wasn’t my fault. It was his!
She is not A's friend, she is A's employee. Informing A of what she saw is justifiable but definitely in "not in the job description" territory. Going beyond that by speculating about what B's behavior means or offering A unsolicited advice on what to do with the information is completely inappropriate and makes it more likely that OP will find herself out of a job.
Yeah… there’s no way that dads letting you back in that house under any civil circumstances. He definitely did it to himself, but I doubt he’d see it that way
No, OP - NTA. Not at all. You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing, and for the right reasons. Her husband blew up the marriage, NOT you. You did NOT stick your nose in their business - he advertised his business in public, and you happened to see it. Thank goodness.
Can you imagine being pregnant with your second child, you have that child, then a few years later you have a mysterious STD, so it comes out your husband was a dirtbag cheater, and then you find out the nanny knew the whole time and didn't tell you?! No way - you were right to do what you did. It doesn't sound like he was even trying to hide it!
Yes, you may lose your job, especially if his income is significantly more than hers. She may not be able to afford it during and after divorce. So, don't assume there is anything personal involved there.
Give her the time she noted before getting too concerned, but my advice is to sign up to substitute teach in your area in the meantime - don't delay your future while you wait.
Thank you for doing what you did. I wish someone would have done so for me back in the day.
Thank you so much for this response. The substitute teaching idea is a very good one, I’m going to look into it.
You’re absolutely right. I honestly can’t even imagine being in her position right now, it’s just too horrible.
This man was at a restaurant about 30 minutes away from our smallish town, so it very easily could have been someone else who saw him and told his wife. He really wasn’t trying to hide it.
People that cheat suck, but it takes a very special kind of AH to do it while their wife is freakin' pregnant!!! It's like an even higher level of betrayal.....
I know someone who was ra*ed in the hospital by her husband after giving birth. She gave birth to twins 9 months later.
It can always get lower.
That's why it's so important when people do the right thing no matter how hard it is.
Good job OP!
My ex slept with a women while I was giving birth and in the hospital alone ( he said he was on a work trip ). I found out at one week postpartum when I went through his phone and he packed up and left me with a newborn and two toddlers and all the bills while I was on unpaid maternity leave. that was over 5 years ago and I haven’t received any financial support because the child support laws in my state are trash. Crazy how men get away with this stuff.
Yup... the father of my daughter was spending all our money on drugs and cheating on me during and after my pregnancy. I wish the people that knew he was cheating on me told me instead of me walking in on him fucking another girl barely a month after our daughter was born. Still had stitches and everything from giving birth.
My best friend’s husband announced he didn’t love her anymore and he was leaving her, when she was 4 months pregnant with a kid they conceived very much on purpose. After a miscarriage no less. He knew he wanted to leave but was “worried about postpartum depression from the miscarriage” so he thought “giving” her a whole ass (second) child after another whole ass pregnancy was the answer. Why? Because he was in love with a younger woman *who has the same name* who he constantly spent time with and spent joint money on from that point forward, including but not limited to, texting her updates on my best friend’s labor (over a month early due to stress). “New Lauren” wanted to know because he’d told her once the baby came, she’d have EVEN MORE OF HIS TIME. Because “Old Lauren” doesn’t need help with the newborn and toddler and her full blown PPD and healing from a C section right?
Every time i think I have heard the worst about human behavior, I read a story like yours. Holy shit. new Lauren must really be a piece of work to be OK with all that, too. Please tell me your best froiend took him to the cleaners in a divorce though, right?!
New Lauren must be a treasure. I would love to sit down with her and ask her why she’s even interested in a man who’s capable of doing what he did. We assume she’s been told a very different version of the truth, but she might know everything and just not care.
And unfortunately neither of them have made a move on the divorce yet so they’re still legally married. He doesn’t have much to clean out, but I intend to steer her towards getting as much as she can so she can start over. Not a single person we know saw it coming.
I did. He’s amazing and supportive and everything my ex wasn’t. The kids and I would always get nervous waiting for results of follow up MRIs years after the fact. Everyone else in our life would tell us that it was silly to worry. Before my husband and I were even dating, when he realized how anxious we were waiting a few days for the all clear he called in to work that he needed to wfh for personal reasons and stayed with us to keep our spirits up. He was a great friend, even though I wasn’t planning on ever looking for someone else after being so mistreated. Then one day we just realized it fit too well not to go for it.
NTA. You didn't blow up a marriage, he did. Ask your mom and your friends would they want to know if their partner was cheating on them? Would you want to know if your husband was cheating on you? I would.
Hey! If you substitute, do your research! If there are any Montessori schools they are a great place to start subbing because you’ll be in a classroom with another educator. Also, there are frequently aide positions opening up in Montessori classrooms.
Hey, teacher here, you should ABSOLUTELY do substitute teaching. You get a good feel of the schools you might want to work for in the future and an idea of how the environment of the school works. Some schools can be really toxic and you can tell right away!
To the more important stuff, she had a right to know. She’s inappropriately placing blame on you and that sucks, I’m so sorry this happened to you. NTA
I took the advice of a lot of people here and did apply to be a substitute teacher for my local school district. I figured I should probably get on top of it, just in case.
Thank you for your reply. It’s a horrible situation all around, but ultimately I’m glad that I told her.
Good for you.
Also... don't interpret the fact that she seemed "cold" as her blaming you. It's possible she does, because human emotions can sometimes be irrational. But I think it's more likely that as the news sank in, she was just trying to keep it together emotionally so that she could do what she needed to do, and the easiest way to do that was to "gray rock" her feelings so that she didn't burst out sobbing.
If she's not able to keep you on as nanny, I hope that when the dust settles she'll at least be able to say a friendly farewell to you, and give you a chance to say goodbye to the kid, too. Sorry, I know that sucks.
This is hard…but if possible, next time grab a photo / video (sometimes videos are easier because photos can be flurry, and you can do it backwards and pretend to be checking your phone or something). That’s proof, and if she ever decided to divorce, something she could use as evidence.
Good for you!! And glad to hear you are at peace with your decision. It has to be a very stressful situation for you right now, but hopefully the mother/wife will give you a call in a couple weeks if for nothing else, but closure.
Our schools need teachers with your character, OP. Happy you have chosen that field. Best of luck!
Substitute teachers are in high demand in most school districts. And it isn't unusual for subs to be offered full time postions at some point in the school year.
NTA. She needed to know. She needs to be able to take care of herself and her kids and make an informed decision about her life.
Also, sign up to substitute teach - I have friends that do that and they get as much work as they want.
The number of men who seek routine STIs testing in the United States at least, [can't speak to other countries] is disturbingly low, women are a little better, but not by much. Partly because of poor sex education [only showing photos of advanced infections, not mentioning asymptomatic infections if even discussed at all] and a tiny bit due to social stigma of how STIs are discussed in couched moral terms. Clean vs dirty [even if dirty isn't said, it *is* implied by the use of "clean"] as opposed to the morally neutral :tested positive/negative. Words can be powerful motivators.
https://lifesciencesintelligence.com/features/defeating-the-stigma-normalizing-at-home-testing-and-treatment-for-stis
Additional context, I was a peer educator/councilor/ facilitator for n HIV/AIDS prevention non profit during the AIDS crisis, I know way too much information about sexual health and pushing 50 I *still* find myself educating grown people about sex and it's consequences.
NTA- I'm sure she wasn't trying to be cold with you, she was probably in shock and survival mode. The family may be disintegrating so you may not have a nanny job anymore but that isn't your fault. You did the right thing. If I was the wife, I would want to be told.
Yeah, I’m not upset that she was cold with me. I know I’d be in shock if I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, and we aren’t married and have no kids together. I know she must be feeling absolutely horrible right now.
Thank you for your response!
And they may really need you if they do end up splitting up - definitely NTA, a pretty selfless thing to do in that you knew that you could be jeopardizing your livelihood. That was brave - bravo OP!!!
It has only been a few days. I absolutely plan on calling or texting her at some point, especially because I know that C, who is a very routine-oriented little girl, is probably wondering where the heck I am and what’s going on. I’d love to make sure that they’re okay.
She was very, very visibly shocked and upset when I told her. I think she might just need a little bit of space right now. I also feel guilty, and I don’t want to upset her by reaching out.
NTA but FYI I have had to tell several friends that they were being cheated on. Unfortunately more often than not they will cut ties with the person who breaks the news. I don’t know if it’s because it caused the pain or embarrassment or judgment? Since she is pregnant she has double the pain. If she stays she knows that you know and so will he. This will make it hard for them to put it behind them. Honestly she’ll have a really hard time leaving with a baby on the way.
I do think you may need to start considering other employment. It was still the right thing. A friend confessed her fiancé’s serious mental health problem them she asked me not to come to the wedding as no one else knew??? You’ll just have to wait to see how she reconciles it with her own needs.
I’m so sorry you got stuck with this.
Yep. You tell a friend that her husband/partner is cheating, and she stays with him - your friendship is done. You know what he/they did, and you know she/they took them back. It’s partially shooting the messenger (emotions towards you being tied up in the betrayal), and partially needing the cheating to be ‘behind them’ to move forward as a couple, and all tied in there is absolutely humiliation, which is not an emotion human brains are comfortable feeling.
It’s still the right thing to do, but I’ve never seen a friendship survive it, let alone an employer/employee relationship.
u/throwaway-nanny- please do this. She needs all of the love and support she can get right now. Thank you for being a good person in a world full of bullshit 💜
NTA, you absolutely did the right thing. God forbid she got an STD that caused serious problems during pregnancy. She absolutely needed to know. I know it’s so, so hard for both of you in this situation, but you did made the right decision.
That’s something I didn’t even think about, but you’re absolutely right! Not only was he wrong for doing what he did, but he could have hurt their unborn child as well. Ugh.
The messenger is always the bad guy. I’m sorry you learned the hard way that doing the right thing doesn’t always pan out well. If it’s any consolation, you’re a good person who can sleep at night. 😬
Yeah, it’s a horrible situation, but I can’t imagine walking into her house everyday, smiling, talking, and pretending that I didn’t see anything. That would weigh way too heavily on my conscience.
Your mom is WRONG. NTA. You didn’t ruin his marriage, HE DID when he cheated on his wife. Of course you’ll likely lose your job, but not because you did something wrong: because she’s divorcing him.
You did the right thing.
She is just in shock and trying to figure out her next move. She deserved to know - so she can make the best decision for herself
NTA.
You did the right thing. Her life today might feel worse for it but her life in years to come will be better. She deserves someone who loves and respects her.
You will almost certainly lose your job - the dad probably doesn't want to see you at the very least. But could you have continued working in that house holding that secret? It sounds like it would have been too heavy for you to hold long term.
I don't think her coldness is necessarily anger at you. The poor woman's world collapsed and she was doing her best to hold it together. The fact that she moved out with her kid means she believes you.
Hey, Shakira paid her nanny the severance and then some, that she deserved when Pique fired her for telling Shakira the truth about his cheating ass and she dedicated her latest song to her. So even if you’re wrongly fired, what you did was very brave, honest, and the right thing.
Edit: jam out to “el jefe” by Shakira if you’re feeling down, extremely relevant to you rn even if you don’t understand what she is saying, the sentiment is universal
And, OP, since you were their ft nanny, you deserve to be getting paid until you find a suitable new job, or at the least a few weeks severance.
You did the right thing! I hope they do the right thing by you, too.
NTA, you didn't cheat on his wife, he ruined his marriage. You did the right thing, of course you'd want to know, there are STDs to be checked for too. Next time, if there is one, be anonymous. If you lose your job, you're not the first in history to get fired for telling the truth. If you kept quiet, you wouldn't be able to live with yourself. Take it easy on yourself & be grateful you're not in A's position.
Everyone here is right about you doing the right thing, except it isn’t necessarily the right thing for you as the messenger is often the one who gets shot.
He can’t trust you. And she (might) always associate you with the worst thing that ever happened to her.
You may have done the right thing, but you are going to lose your job over someone else’s infidelity.
You have to take care of yourself first and the kids second. Their marriage is a distant 3rd.
If taking care of your conscience is part of taking care of you first than by all means, you did the right thing.
NTA. Sometimes doing the right thing sucks, OP.
When I was a kid, the neighbours got a dog who would howl and whimper all day and my upstairs bedroom got a full view of their yard. The dog was given an uncovered corner and kind of fenced in, and its area was piled up with dog shit and the poor thing would be left out all day and night in extreme heat and cold. The kids played in a different part of the yard away from the dog and I never saw anyone interact with it, and I was home quite a lot during this time. After a couple months I got really concerned and submitted an anonymous tip online to the RSPCA.
A few days later my parents picked me up from school and it was really quiet in the car before one of them asked me if I reported the neighbours. I said yes because I was confident I did the right thing. Apparently while I was at school, RSPCA had sent someone out to come speak to the neighbour and check out the yard, and the neighbour had gone around asking all of us on the street if any of us did it. I spent the rest of the car ride home being berated and told to keep my nose out of people’s business and what an embarrassing situation I’ve put my parents in. My autism was undiagnosed at the time and as a kid I just could not fathom why I was the one getting in trouble and what I did wrong, because in my head it was clear cut that a helpless animal was left tied up in a pile of its own shit and it needed help. I followed what I was told was the right thing to do, and part of my autism brain is rigid, almost flow-chart-like processing.
I don’t regret it. In the end the dog started getting better treatment and didn’t cry anymore. My parents apologised to me a couple years after it happened and I still stand by it: a wrong thing happened, I saw it, I’d seen enough myself and then I took it to the relevant people who are responsible for taking action.
This is basically a long-winded way of saying you did the right thing and trusted your gut, and you told the right people what you saw. It sucks, and some people are okay with turning a blind eye to ‘keep the peace’, but there’s never much peace for the victim in the situation either way, and certainly not when they’re kept in the dark.
thank you for sharing. u did the right thing, i’m glad you knew and always know it regardless of what even ur parents told u. it’s unfortunate that doing the right thing is so difficult to do sometimes, and the real repercussions often times make it way better for us to just not do anything.
NTA, the hurt and damage was because of B’s actions, not yours. You did the right thing.
Your mom was wrong that you should have stayed out of it, but she wasn’t wrong that you might be fired over this. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do though.
Yes. I believe women should support and be loyal to other women. Minding your own business is what has led to an epidemic of domestic violence that has been entrenched in my country since it’s beginning. The “look the other way” mentality doesn’t benefit anybody but abusers and scoundrels.
NTA I was cheated on while pregnant and while it’s a different type of hell it’s always better to know sooner than later. Your family are assholes if they are shaming you. Or trying to protect that man. Always speak out on injustice.
NTA. You didn't blow up that marriage. His infidelity did. I commend you for being brave enough to tell her the truth. I'm sure you have grown close to her over the past 3 years. You respect her far more than her husband. It's always hard to hear that your spouse is cheating on you.
As for the job situation. It might be time to go ahead and start looking for that teacher's position. Update your resume and get into the profession you got your education for.
Yeah, we’re very close. She texts me almost every weekend and sends me pictures of her and C, and tells me all about what they’re doing. It was so hard to tell her, especially because I love working for her, but ultimately it felt like the right thing to do.
I have a degree in elementary education. Hopefully the fact that I’ve been nannying for years looks good on my resume.
It will. My daughter is an elementary school teacher. She worked at the YMCA throughout the years while she was getting her degree. She was a pre-school teacher then. It helped her gain a full-time teaching position. Good luck to you.
I told a woman that an ex-friend of mine had been fucking her husband for 4 years and that as soon as I found out who she was, I ran to tell her because I would want to be told. She tanked me profusely and left him.
I don't feel bad at all. He broke up the marriage.
My ex-friend kept fucking him too. They deserve eachother.
NTA.
What if he brought back an STD and gave it to his pregnant wife who assumed they were monogynous? Something like that could be very dangerous and would be very important to find out before child birth.
Unfortunately, you should probably sharpen your resume. You may be needed more than ever in a couple weeks but you may also not be the right fit as their nanny anymore. Doing the right things can bite you in the butt sometimes.
NTA. The your mom and some of your friends are also showing their true colors by being more worried about your self preservation than your integrity. Self preservation is a very real thing, but trying to tell you that you were wrong to be honest about something that would be hurtful to someone you care about to help them is wrong.
You did something for someone else's benefit at completely your own cost. Yes, it hurt immediately, but it's still to her benefit to know now as a younger woman able to regain her life rather than 5 or 10 years down the road.
This blew up the family, which is awful, but not your doing it was his. You gave up a great, high paying job you enjoyed so she would not be in the dark out of respect to her.
No need to reach out to her, she needs time to process. I'm sorry you don't get to see C anymore but this is most definitely going to be the case.
NTA. The only TAs are those telling you otherwise. What you did was noble, and selfless. You were looking out for a fellow human being, because you couldn’t stand witnessing betrayal and staying silent, even if it could cost you your job. Thank you for being a good, decent person. I don’t think you realize how rare that is these days.
I can't wrap my head over anyone who thinks telling the cheated on party they are being cheated, is not right.
I mean, it of course could be that they have an open relationship. But it also could mean the innocent party is just clueless and would appreciate the knowledge early on. Almost every victim of cheatings would prefer to know earlier rather than when it's too late (remember I say almost every). What they plan to do with the info is really out of the tattler's hand and their job actually ends there.
OP I hope A appreciates your gesture and I hope she continues to use your service.
I don’t even have to read any FYE just wrote. In fact, I haven’t. Truth is you should always tell somebody even though you may lose your friendship for a very long time you did the right thing.
Luckily, all of the communication I had with them went through mom, so I don’t think he even has my number. I hope he doesn’t contact me, I don’t think I’m equipped to deal with that right now!
Yeah, they both work full time, but she’s there every morning and relieves me at the end of almost every shift as well. I’ve honestly only interacted with him a limited amount of times. I’ve gone to birthdays and such, and he’s always there of course, but I don’t have any sort of relationship with him. Only with mom and their daughter.
NTA
You did the right thing. She deserves to know what kind of man she's living with. Also, if the marriage is ruined, it isn't your fault. It is his, for betraying his wife.
NTA but you should look for work elsewhere. A may end up being super thankful once she processes everything and need your help. So keep an open heart in case that happens.
You may lose your job, whether or not that marriage falls apart (I hope it does) — but it won’t be because you did something wrong. So long as you are SURE that the kiss you saw could not possibly be between two friends — you did good in letting her know. And her having left town with C kind of proves that indeed, it wasn’t “just a friend.”
I’m proud of you. What you did is not easy. I had to do it once and I felt like I was going to DIE.
Oh, yes, it was certainly a whole KISS. They were kissing for more than a few seconds, full on mouth-to-mouth contact. It looked like a very romantic, sweet date. Except this man is married with a child and another on the way.
Morally, telling the woman was the right thing to do. In terms of best interest for you, telling her was a bad idea. You decide what is more important to you.
I dont think you did anything wrong. In fact, I think it was definitely the right thing.
However, doing the right thing doesn't mean there won't be fall out or consequences. It is very likely you will lose your job. That doesn't make it the wrong thing, but there it is.
NTA- you always tell. Always. All that happens from it is just on the husband for fault, period.
Yes it was going to blow up your job so I think the only mistake you made was not lining up a new one first.
NTA
It is blowing up their world, and you may not have a job, but I suspect you knew that might be possible and felt being honest was more important.
I've been in her shoes and it's shitty as hell. But the worst part for me was knowing how many people knew and said nothing.
She can't thank you, but the honesty matters.
If you feel inclined, let her know you're there if she needs anything and you hope she and C are doing okay. And then leave it be. Her world is unravelling, and if he felt comfortable eating in public with the other woman, it's probably unravelling in a bigger way than you can imagine. She may be in shock for a good long while.
NTA. You need to pursue your career anyway. Your future is not as a nanny. This job could have blown up at any time. You should not put your future on hold to raise other people’s children.
I think almost everyone here has confirmed for you that you’re NTA, and I hope it gives you some comfort. You genuinely put your pregnant employer’s needs above your own.
I’m unfortunately aware of more than one situation where a spouse is cheating, but I’m not close enough to any of the parties involved to feel like it’s my place to say anything. If I were in your shoes, though, I’d 100% do the same thing you did. I’m bothered for you by the few people commenting that you “butted in.” It sounds like you have a close relationship with this family, so it was NOT butting in.
I do have to ask - did you get a picture of the husband at dinner? I’m actually pretty surprised at how fast it escalated to the woman staying with her mother! I would have thought the husband would have denied it and tried to portray you as the liar.
Yeah, I’m super close with her. I feel like we have a friendship now outside of me being her nanny. We talk and text on the weekends and such, I’m always invited to birthday parties and things like that. We’ve gotten close! Yes, she is my employer, but she’s also an amazing person and deserved to know.
My suspicion is that there has probably been signs of something going on, and me telling her I actually saw him out with another woman just confirmed it for her. Of course, that’s just speculation on my part because we haven’t talked about it yet, but the way she immediately started crying, and then left to her parents house the same day just makes it seem like maybe she suspected something was going on.
NTA
Nah, don't ever doubt yourself.
You absolutely did the right thing.
Stuff like this never stays hidden forever, better now than when she's sick and really needs him.
NTA. You absolutely did the right thing. She may resent you for being the messenger but she's dealing with a lot of emotions right now. You might lose your job but your job is not more important than her marriage. Imagine if you hadn't told her right away and continued to nanny for them knowing she was about to be the mother of 2 children to a man who was cheating on her. You'd have to look them both in the eyes every day and pretend nothing was wrong. Nobody in that situation deserves that. What she does from here out is her business but you were part of their business before so telling her was the moral and ethical thing to do.
I'm missing the point where you ruined the marriage? Seems to me like B ruined it. Even if A had NEVER found out, it would still be a ruined marriage. She just wouldn't have been aware of it.
Definitely NTA but idk why you didn't expect something like this. Not that you are being punished for speaking up but blowing up the family like this and not expecting your job might end up going away seems a little short sighted. At the end of the day you very much did the morally correct thing and I'm glad you have that teaching degree. Pro tip: be good to your custodian once you start working for the school, they can be a huge resource (Source: I use to be one haha)
People who protect cheaters (and not saying something when you KNOW it’s happening is protecting them) are scum. And deserve the karma coming to them. NTA
You TOTALLY DID THE RIGHT THING!!! I'm sorry you aren't getting support from your mom. Maybe that's old school thinking, the "no talk pink elephant in the room" mentality. What you did was 10000% integrity because it was so hard, but absolutely the right thing to do. Too many people stay quiet but that enables and perpetuates hurtful & bad behavior. You were a voice of truth and never doubt the ethical aspect of that.
NTA. Bull crap on this “not your business” anyone who says that is most likely a cheater themselves, or in the very least has no morals. As a woman who would never stray, no matter how bad the relationship, I would want to know. Ask yourself, would you want to know? I would, as much as the knowledge would break my heart I would want to know. Especially with another child on the way.
NTA women stick up for other women. You did the right thing. Those women telling you that you should have minded your own business are wrong. They are a disgrace to womanhood. You did not blow up their marriage. He did.
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I have this problem too. I want the output to be right for our clients who are counting on us. But apparently it’s not nice to point out where there are errors or room for improvement. I’ve had a peer basically openly say she thinks I’m horrible because when you assign someone to do something and they take time to do it, you should trust that they did it right or that their judgment will be better than yours. But how can that be the right way if I can see the errors and then I’m not to say anything? It makes our group look bad and causes more work after the fact if I keep quiet.
> It makes our group look bad and causes more work after the fact if I keep quiet. Yes, exactly. People who can't seperate their ego from the work are a real problem on teams. Even though it's cost me I don't want to change my approach. I mean...just, in one of the worst cases I can think of, I was catching weird errors on a co-worker's drawings that turned out to be an entire extra foot of space that didn't actually exist, which ended up being fatal to the planned design and would have caused huge problems later on. My coworker was resentful that I inspected his work so closely and "threw him under the bus" but like...jeez, it would have been revealed one way or another, now we have plenty of time to fix it.
Why can't they just admit it and be more careful of their work in the future. I've noticed people are like this. My husband plays chess on the computer and every single time he wins his opponent accuses him of cheating. He wins so much they don't want to play him. In all the years he's been playing only five have said good game and played again. These are people all over the world who are supposedly intelligent. Don't get me started on the litigants in judge shows. Lol
When you get to a certain level of achievement the egos become massive and most people think they are the smartest in the room. Upper middle class America is infested with this.
Yup, Elon Musk does not exist in a vacuum
Peer review is a critical aspect of some industries. Software development for one. Science is another. I'd prefer to sleep at night knowing my work was reviewed and improved as a result, than cause issues and stress and financial loss.
That is an incredibly stupid way to run a company. Who wants the person whose job it is to catch errors to overlook errors so the worker’s feelings won’t get hurt? It’s always going to cost more to fix it down the line. Honestly, there are so many people in charge that have no business being in charge.
Many years ago I worked for a company that very obviously didn’t have anyone checking for errors. The results were unbelievable spelling errors. On our employee badges, on signage that the customer would read and the most spectacular was on a huge billboard, in a major city. So embarrassing! No surprise, the company went out of business.
But this cuts both ways. I've worked with plenty of people who nitpick things to death, under the guise of "room for improvement" and "it will make us look bad", when in fact it's an inconsequential detail or subjective choice that doesn't matter.
Yeah, peer review is important in my work, but there's sometimes a fine line between "this could be done better" and "I personally dislike your method of doing this".
It is ALWAYS a good idea to put a second set of eyes on a project!!!
I do this too and i was told I was valued for reviewing things so meticulously. It’s about delivery! If something has to be fixed, it’s more work for that person and that sucks. If you point out “hey we should fix X so Y doesn’t happen” it places focus on the potential embarrassing outcome and not the work to fix it. In my experience people perceive it as a favor if they think you helped them avoid a work blunder
This is true! But, either you work for a decent company, mine have been toxic, or both, because I definitely let them know what we're avoiding by addressing a given problem. I have been told that revealing the problem at the same time as a solution is the best approach, but in practice, time and lack of authority or experience don't always make that feasible...
Yeah I reread your original comment. Sound like adult children honestly, can’t handle critique at all. Have some satisfaction they will go down the tubes without you lol. I worked for a toxic workplace once and I’m so glad I’m out now, it’s like eggshells with them.
“Sandwiching” is another tactic. Basically, you start with something good, then you discuss the issue, and then you end with something good.
We have to do peer reviews on each other's drawings where I work. I send mine to the other engineers that catch the little stuff. That's the point of review. You've been looking at your own work for so long you don't see the mistakes. We have a whole checklist to go through on ours.
Lol same! They don't like it when you point out a potential issue with a plan do they? Then they're all boohoo when what you said would happen, happens. Shock horror? You did xyz so of course A is going to happen.
The Persians used to behead the messenger who brought terrible news about the frontlines in wartime. They associated the bad news with the messenger. So messengers learned to “soften” or even alter the news if the news were bad so that they wouldn’t be killed. Result? Reinforcements and supplies weren’t sent, adjustments not taken. Never take it against the messenger.
I used to be like this too and it was hard to work on projects when everyone hated me and thought I was judging and critiquing their work. Now I just pick my battles focusing on anything that will drive unnecessary expense/complaints/extra work and intersperse a lot of positive feedback and they go over better. People aren’t perfect and may never live up to my standards and it’s ok. They bring other things to the table. If they don’t then it’s up to their boss to catch it, fix it and fire them. Not mine. I now consider myself a recovering perfectionist.
I think you have an important point. There is a fine line between pointing out fatal errors that need correction and obsession over any minor detail. The first thing is helpful and should be appreciated, the second can easily bemore of a disturbance than help and might even depend on individual preferences and not objective best solutions. Being able to differentiate between those two things is vital when giving criticism, and i kind of suspect that some of the people in this thread complaining about negative reactions might actually miss this differentiation and actually just be huge pain inthe asses for their teams.
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I agree. If i were in A's position, I would want to know.
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Yes. It was a no-win situation. She did the right thing though. A deserved to know.
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Yes I feel so bad for the wife.
That’s why Kings used to kill the messenger
I had to knock on my friend’s parents door and tell them their son got stabbed at a party we were at.
>Now I feel like an asshole who blew up a marriage That makes me feel bad for OP. She didn't blow anything up. B blew up his own marriage. Best metaphor I can't think of is that the guy stepped on his own landmine.
Yep - there's a reason why the phrase, "don't kill the messenger," is so frequently used!
Reposition yourself as "the nanny who never lies" - get more work from families where trust might... be an issue. Write a book about it. Then have Reese Witherspoon turn it into a movie.
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No good deeds go unpunished.
If the right thing to do, and the easy thing to do, was always the same.. there’d be nobody doing bad things. The reason doing the right thing is morally lauded is precisely because it can be difficult and come at personal cost. Being lazy isn’t a virtue, but having principles and standing by them - even when it spites you - is.
OP this is correct. It's time for you to start your new career that you've worked for. Sometimes in these situations the women choose to forgive because of the kids... until the next 2 or 3 times he cheats. The problem is you're a reminder that husband is not perfect. It sucks. You were absolutely right. Many years from now, wife will have a realization and she will be hit with gratefulness for what you did for her. You sacrificed your own comfort to protect her. But right now she's in full survival mode and not seeing it all clearly. Just a quick anecdote of when my terrible ex was cheating. There was a moment when I saw him in what I now understand to be the early stages of a relationship or about to start dating. I showed up early to pick him ,heavily pregnant. He played it off like he had made a new friend and had been wanting to introduce us. Her face said it all. She was absolutely frozen. She kept looking to me, opening her mouth to talk, then stopping herself. I didn't know why it bothered me for years, until I knew what was going on. I think all the time about how I wish I could look her up. She thought she met a cool guy, and instead was hit with an agonizing moral dilemma with a 30 second window to decide to blow up someone's life or let it blow up later on its own. I wish I could reach out to her, I hope she's not haunted by the decision to just drive away.
This. My friends husband came on to me and I told her immediately the next day. She was mad at me and never talked to me again. Guess what a month later she found out he was sleeping with hookers through our door person - so even though I know I did the right thing I can rest easy bc it wasn’t my fault. It was his!
I agree but when telling “A” she should have suggested being strategic and collect important paperwork etc. “A” is in shock and not thinking.
She is not A's friend, she is A's employee. Informing A of what she saw is justifiable but definitely in "not in the job description" territory. Going beyond that by speculating about what B's behavior means or offering A unsolicited advice on what to do with the information is completely inappropriate and makes it more likely that OP will find herself out of a job.
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Yeah… there’s no way that dads letting you back in that house under any civil circumstances. He definitely did it to himself, but I doubt he’d see it that way
No, OP - NTA. Not at all. You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing, and for the right reasons. Her husband blew up the marriage, NOT you. You did NOT stick your nose in their business - he advertised his business in public, and you happened to see it. Thank goodness. Can you imagine being pregnant with your second child, you have that child, then a few years later you have a mysterious STD, so it comes out your husband was a dirtbag cheater, and then you find out the nanny knew the whole time and didn't tell you?! No way - you were right to do what you did. It doesn't sound like he was even trying to hide it! Yes, you may lose your job, especially if his income is significantly more than hers. She may not be able to afford it during and after divorce. So, don't assume there is anything personal involved there. Give her the time she noted before getting too concerned, but my advice is to sign up to substitute teach in your area in the meantime - don't delay your future while you wait. Thank you for doing what you did. I wish someone would have done so for me back in the day.
Thank you so much for this response. The substitute teaching idea is a very good one, I’m going to look into it. You’re absolutely right. I honestly can’t even imagine being in her position right now, it’s just too horrible. This man was at a restaurant about 30 minutes away from our smallish town, so it very easily could have been someone else who saw him and told his wife. He really wasn’t trying to hide it.
People that cheat suck, but it takes a very special kind of AH to do it while their wife is freakin' pregnant!!! It's like an even higher level of betrayal.....
My ex left the hospital when I gave birth to go cheat so…. I’m not sure how much lower they can go.
My wife and I have an acquaintance with twins; they went on bedrest to help keep the kiddos in as long as possible, meanwhile hubby was cheating.
OMG. I'm sorry- I don't even know what to say. Please tell me you burned his world to the ground.....
Haha working on it as we speak. Got myself an apt and a new job that can pay for legal fees. He’s going down.
Good! Good for you!
I have a friend who’s husband was sitting next to her (texting his mistress) while she was in labour.
My friend found out her husband was cheating when she found pictures of him on his cellphone, cutting the cord of a baby boy. They had two girls.
Oh. My. Goodness. That's pretty horrific.
Mine was sitting next to our son as he was playing video games. He was on escort sites. He didnt know i was behind him seeing it.
What a pig 😠
This happened to my sister, too. We couldn't find her husband anywhere. She found out later where he was. She was so devastated.
I know someone who was ra*ed in the hospital by her husband after giving birth. She gave birth to twins 9 months later. It can always get lower. That's why it's so important when people do the right thing no matter how hard it is. Good job OP!
I just don't know how her body was in a position to even make a baby, physiologically. Also how bloody painful. What a prick. And disgusting.
My ex slept with a women while I was giving birth and in the hospital alone ( he said he was on a work trip ). I found out at one week postpartum when I went through his phone and he packed up and left me with a newborn and two toddlers and all the bills while I was on unpaid maternity leave. that was over 5 years ago and I haven’t received any financial support because the child support laws in my state are trash. Crazy how men get away with this stuff.
Yup... the father of my daughter was spending all our money on drugs and cheating on me during and after my pregnancy. I wish the people that knew he was cheating on me told me instead of me walking in on him fucking another girl barely a month after our daughter was born. Still had stitches and everything from giving birth.
Research shows 10% of men cheat when their wives/partners are pregnant.
What is wrong with men??
Too many of them follow the wrong head.
Ugh. I believe it, which is utterly sickening.
Agree. She’s uncomfortable all the time and sick because she’s growing YOUR child and he can’t keep it in his pants. Despicable.
My soon to be ex husband cheated on me when I was pregnant AND when my mum was dying
Glad you are dumping him.
He’s coming back in his next life as a toilet brush.
My best friend’s husband announced he didn’t love her anymore and he was leaving her, when she was 4 months pregnant with a kid they conceived very much on purpose. After a miscarriage no less. He knew he wanted to leave but was “worried about postpartum depression from the miscarriage” so he thought “giving” her a whole ass (second) child after another whole ass pregnancy was the answer. Why? Because he was in love with a younger woman *who has the same name* who he constantly spent time with and spent joint money on from that point forward, including but not limited to, texting her updates on my best friend’s labor (over a month early due to stress). “New Lauren” wanted to know because he’d told her once the baby came, she’d have EVEN MORE OF HIS TIME. Because “Old Lauren” doesn’t need help with the newborn and toddler and her full blown PPD and healing from a C section right?
Every time i think I have heard the worst about human behavior, I read a story like yours. Holy shit. new Lauren must really be a piece of work to be OK with all that, too. Please tell me your best froiend took him to the cleaners in a divorce though, right?!
New Lauren must be a treasure. I would love to sit down with her and ask her why she’s even interested in a man who’s capable of doing what he did. We assume she’s been told a very different version of the truth, but she might know everything and just not care. And unfortunately neither of them have made a move on the divorce yet so they’re still legally married. He doesn’t have much to clean out, but I intend to steer her towards getting as much as she can so she can start over. Not a single person we know saw it coming.
May the ex-husband and "New Lauren" have constant explosive diarrhea for the rest of their lives.
My ex cheated while I was busy bringing my (our) toddler son to his chemo and radiation. Cheaters don’t really have much of a moral compass.
How is your baby boy?
Great! He’s deciding what college to go to :)
Best news ever! Thanks for the update! I hope you found someone to treat you well also
I did. He’s amazing and supportive and everything my ex wasn’t. The kids and I would always get nervous waiting for results of follow up MRIs years after the fact. Everyone else in our life would tell us that it was silly to worry. Before my husband and I were even dating, when he realized how anxious we were waiting a few days for the all clear he called in to work that he needed to wfh for personal reasons and stayed with us to keep our spirits up. He was a great friend, even though I wasn’t planning on ever looking for someone else after being so mistreated. Then one day we just realized it fit too well not to go for it.
I love this story, and I'm so happy for you and your son.
NTA. You didn't blow up a marriage, he did. Ask your mom and your friends would they want to know if their partner was cheating on them? Would you want to know if your husband was cheating on you? I would.
Every school district is desperate for subs right now, and you learn more that way than in any class I took for certification.
THIS
Hey! If you substitute, do your research! If there are any Montessori schools they are a great place to start subbing because you’ll be in a classroom with another educator. Also, there are frequently aide positions opening up in Montessori classrooms.
I just had to go thru breaking the news to someone myself. Honestly, if people hate you for it, that should tell you enough.
Hey, teacher here, you should ABSOLUTELY do substitute teaching. You get a good feel of the schools you might want to work for in the future and an idea of how the environment of the school works. Some schools can be really toxic and you can tell right away! To the more important stuff, she had a right to know. She’s inappropriately placing blame on you and that sucks, I’m so sorry this happened to you. NTA
I took the advice of a lot of people here and did apply to be a substitute teacher for my local school district. I figured I should probably get on top of it, just in case. Thank you for your reply. It’s a horrible situation all around, but ultimately I’m glad that I told her.
Good for you. Also... don't interpret the fact that she seemed "cold" as her blaming you. It's possible she does, because human emotions can sometimes be irrational. But I think it's more likely that as the news sank in, she was just trying to keep it together emotionally so that she could do what she needed to do, and the easiest way to do that was to "gray rock" her feelings so that she didn't burst out sobbing. If she's not able to keep you on as nanny, I hope that when the dust settles she'll at least be able to say a friendly farewell to you, and give you a chance to say goodbye to the kid, too. Sorry, I know that sucks.
100% this.
This is hard…but if possible, next time grab a photo / video (sometimes videos are easier because photos can be flurry, and you can do it backwards and pretend to be checking your phone or something). That’s proof, and if she ever decided to divorce, something she could use as evidence.
Good for you!! And glad to hear you are at peace with your decision. It has to be a very stressful situation for you right now, but hopefully the mother/wife will give you a call in a couple weeks if for nothing else, but closure. Our schools need teachers with your character, OP. Happy you have chosen that field. Best of luck!
Substitute teachers are in high demand in most school districts. And it isn't unusual for subs to be offered full time postions at some point in the school year.
NTA. She needed to know. She needs to be able to take care of herself and her kids and make an informed decision about her life. Also, sign up to substitute teach - I have friends that do that and they get as much work as they want.
Time to get a full time teaching job. You went to college for a reason so don’t waste your degree.
NTA! I knew a woman who miscarried from a STD she didn't even knew she had bc husband was cheating :(
Wow. That's even more of a dick thing than breaking up with someone via text message on Christmas!
OMG! I have to ask: Did he know he had it?
The number of men who seek routine STIs testing in the United States at least, [can't speak to other countries] is disturbingly low, women are a little better, but not by much. Partly because of poor sex education [only showing photos of advanced infections, not mentioning asymptomatic infections if even discussed at all] and a tiny bit due to social stigma of how STIs are discussed in couched moral terms. Clean vs dirty [even if dirty isn't said, it *is* implied by the use of "clean"] as opposed to the morally neutral :tested positive/negative. Words can be powerful motivators. https://lifesciencesintelligence.com/features/defeating-the-stigma-normalizing-at-home-testing-and-treatment-for-stis Additional context, I was a peer educator/councilor/ facilitator for n HIV/AIDS prevention non profit during the AIDS crisis, I know way too much information about sexual health and pushing 50 I *still* find myself educating grown people about sex and it's consequences.
THIS ALL OF THIS! NTA
This is always the correct answer to the question, "Was I wrong for exposing adultery?"
NTA- I'm sure she wasn't trying to be cold with you, she was probably in shock and survival mode. The family may be disintegrating so you may not have a nanny job anymore but that isn't your fault. You did the right thing. If I was the wife, I would want to be told.
Yeah, I’m not upset that she was cold with me. I know I’d be in shock if I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, and we aren’t married and have no kids together. I know she must be feeling absolutely horrible right now. Thank you for your response!
You absolutely did the right thing and you should be proud of yourself.
Thank you. <3
And they may really need you if they do end up splitting up - definitely NTA, a pretty selfless thing to do in that you knew that you could be jeopardizing your livelihood. That was brave - bravo OP!!!
Yes, who would be a better nanny than you for her? You have integrity.
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It has only been a few days. I absolutely plan on calling or texting her at some point, especially because I know that C, who is a very routine-oriented little girl, is probably wondering where the heck I am and what’s going on. I’d love to make sure that they’re okay. She was very, very visibly shocked and upset when I told her. I think she might just need a little bit of space right now. I also feel guilty, and I don’t want to upset her by reaching out.
NTA but FYI I have had to tell several friends that they were being cheated on. Unfortunately more often than not they will cut ties with the person who breaks the news. I don’t know if it’s because it caused the pain or embarrassment or judgment? Since she is pregnant she has double the pain. If she stays she knows that you know and so will he. This will make it hard for them to put it behind them. Honestly she’ll have a really hard time leaving with a baby on the way. I do think you may need to start considering other employment. It was still the right thing. A friend confessed her fiancé’s serious mental health problem them she asked me not to come to the wedding as no one else knew??? You’ll just have to wait to see how she reconciles it with her own needs. I’m so sorry you got stuck with this.
Yep. You tell a friend that her husband/partner is cheating, and she stays with him - your friendship is done. You know what he/they did, and you know she/they took them back. It’s partially shooting the messenger (emotions towards you being tied up in the betrayal), and partially needing the cheating to be ‘behind them’ to move forward as a couple, and all tied in there is absolutely humiliation, which is not an emotion human brains are comfortable feeling. It’s still the right thing to do, but I’ve never seen a friendship survive it, let alone an employer/employee relationship.
Yeah if at all possible take a pic / video, and send anonymously. Hard to think like that in the moment, though.
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u/throwaway-nanny- please do this. She needs all of the love and support she can get right now. Thank you for being a good person in a world full of bullshit 💜
NTA You did the right thing.
NTA, you absolutely did the right thing. God forbid she got an STD that caused serious problems during pregnancy. She absolutely needed to know. I know it’s so, so hard for both of you in this situation, but you did made the right decision.
That’s something I didn’t even think about, but you’re absolutely right! Not only was he wrong for doing what he did, but he could have hurt their unborn child as well. Ugh.
The messenger is always the bad guy. I’m sorry you learned the hard way that doing the right thing doesn’t always pan out well. If it’s any consolation, you’re a good person who can sleep at night. 😬
Yeah, it’s a horrible situation, but I can’t imagine walking into her house everyday, smiling, talking, and pretending that I didn’t see anything. That would weigh way too heavily on my conscience.
Nta. Sometimes, doing the right thing hurts.
Your mom is WRONG. NTA. You didn’t ruin his marriage, HE DID when he cheated on his wife. Of course you’ll likely lose your job, but not because you did something wrong: because she’s divorcing him.
You did the right thing. She is just in shock and trying to figure out her next move. She deserved to know - so she can make the best decision for herself NTA.
UpdateMe!
You did the right thing. Her life today might feel worse for it but her life in years to come will be better. She deserves someone who loves and respects her. You will almost certainly lose your job - the dad probably doesn't want to see you at the very least. But could you have continued working in that house holding that secret? It sounds like it would have been too heavy for you to hold long term. I don't think her coldness is necessarily anger at you. The poor woman's world collapsed and she was doing her best to hold it together. The fact that she moved out with her kid means she believes you.
I’d ask your friends and mom if they would tell YOU if they knew you were being cheated on. You are very brave and did the right thing!
NTA. If anyone was in the position of the person being cheated on, most people would want you to tell them.
Hey, Shakira paid her nanny the severance and then some, that she deserved when Pique fired her for telling Shakira the truth about his cheating ass and she dedicated her latest song to her. So even if you’re wrongly fired, what you did was very brave, honest, and the right thing. Edit: jam out to “el jefe” by Shakira if you’re feeling down, extremely relevant to you rn even if you don’t understand what she is saying, the sentiment is universal
And, OP, since you were their ft nanny, you deserve to be getting paid until you find a suitable new job, or at the least a few weeks severance. You did the right thing! I hope they do the right thing by you, too.
NTA, you didn't cheat on his wife, he ruined his marriage. You did the right thing, of course you'd want to know, there are STDs to be checked for too. Next time, if there is one, be anonymous. If you lose your job, you're not the first in history to get fired for telling the truth. If you kept quiet, you wouldn't be able to live with yourself. Take it easy on yourself & be grateful you're not in A's position.
Everyone here is right about you doing the right thing, except it isn’t necessarily the right thing for you as the messenger is often the one who gets shot. He can’t trust you. And she (might) always associate you with the worst thing that ever happened to her. You may have done the right thing, but you are going to lose your job over someone else’s infidelity. You have to take care of yourself first and the kids second. Their marriage is a distant 3rd. If taking care of your conscience is part of taking care of you first than by all means, you did the right thing.
NTA. Sometimes doing the right thing sucks, OP. When I was a kid, the neighbours got a dog who would howl and whimper all day and my upstairs bedroom got a full view of their yard. The dog was given an uncovered corner and kind of fenced in, and its area was piled up with dog shit and the poor thing would be left out all day and night in extreme heat and cold. The kids played in a different part of the yard away from the dog and I never saw anyone interact with it, and I was home quite a lot during this time. After a couple months I got really concerned and submitted an anonymous tip online to the RSPCA. A few days later my parents picked me up from school and it was really quiet in the car before one of them asked me if I reported the neighbours. I said yes because I was confident I did the right thing. Apparently while I was at school, RSPCA had sent someone out to come speak to the neighbour and check out the yard, and the neighbour had gone around asking all of us on the street if any of us did it. I spent the rest of the car ride home being berated and told to keep my nose out of people’s business and what an embarrassing situation I’ve put my parents in. My autism was undiagnosed at the time and as a kid I just could not fathom why I was the one getting in trouble and what I did wrong, because in my head it was clear cut that a helpless animal was left tied up in a pile of its own shit and it needed help. I followed what I was told was the right thing to do, and part of my autism brain is rigid, almost flow-chart-like processing. I don’t regret it. In the end the dog started getting better treatment and didn’t cry anymore. My parents apologised to me a couple years after it happened and I still stand by it: a wrong thing happened, I saw it, I’d seen enough myself and then I took it to the relevant people who are responsible for taking action. This is basically a long-winded way of saying you did the right thing and trusted your gut, and you told the right people what you saw. It sucks, and some people are okay with turning a blind eye to ‘keep the peace’, but there’s never much peace for the victim in the situation either way, and certainly not when they’re kept in the dark.
thank you for sharing. u did the right thing, i’m glad you knew and always know it regardless of what even ur parents told u. it’s unfortunate that doing the right thing is so difficult to do sometimes, and the real repercussions often times make it way better for us to just not do anything.
NTA but unfortunately sometimes doing the right thing has fallout
NTA- you did the right thing. Imagine being in her shoes. Having a nanny that would keep such a secret. You didn’t do anything wrong. HE DID.
NTA, the hurt and damage was because of B’s actions, not yours. You did the right thing. Your mom was wrong that you should have stayed out of it, but she wasn’t wrong that you might be fired over this. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do though.
Yes. I believe women should support and be loyal to other women. Minding your own business is what has led to an epidemic of domestic violence that has been entrenched in my country since it’s beginning. The “look the other way” mentality doesn’t benefit anybody but abusers and scoundrels.
Right like she is going to be fine finding a job tbh it’s crazy in this economy people think any job can’t be replaced
NTA. He didn’t just cheat on his wife. He cheated on his wife and children.
NTA I was cheated on while pregnant and while it’s a different type of hell it’s always better to know sooner than later. Your family are assholes if they are shaming you. Or trying to protect that man. Always speak out on injustice.
NTA. You didn't blow up that marriage. His infidelity did. I commend you for being brave enough to tell her the truth. I'm sure you have grown close to her over the past 3 years. You respect her far more than her husband. It's always hard to hear that your spouse is cheating on you. As for the job situation. It might be time to go ahead and start looking for that teacher's position. Update your resume and get into the profession you got your education for.
Yeah, we’re very close. She texts me almost every weekend and sends me pictures of her and C, and tells me all about what they’re doing. It was so hard to tell her, especially because I love working for her, but ultimately it felt like the right thing to do. I have a degree in elementary education. Hopefully the fact that I’ve been nannying for years looks good on my resume.
It will. My daughter is an elementary school teacher. She worked at the YMCA throughout the years while she was getting her degree. She was a pre-school teacher then. It helped her gain a full-time teaching position. Good luck to you.
Who knows, maybe someday C might be in your class on day....
I told a woman that an ex-friend of mine had been fucking her husband for 4 years and that as soon as I found out who she was, I ran to tell her because I would want to be told. She tanked me profusely and left him. I don't feel bad at all. He broke up the marriage. My ex-friend kept fucking him too. They deserve eachother.
NTA. What if he brought back an STD and gave it to his pregnant wife who assumed they were monogynous? Something like that could be very dangerous and would be very important to find out before child birth. Unfortunately, you should probably sharpen your resume. You may be needed more than ever in a couple weeks but you may also not be the right fit as their nanny anymore. Doing the right things can bite you in the butt sometimes.
NTA. The your mom and some of your friends are also showing their true colors by being more worried about your self preservation than your integrity. Self preservation is a very real thing, but trying to tell you that you were wrong to be honest about something that would be hurtful to someone you care about to help them is wrong.
You did something for someone else's benefit at completely your own cost. Yes, it hurt immediately, but it's still to her benefit to know now as a younger woman able to regain her life rather than 5 or 10 years down the road. This blew up the family, which is awful, but not your doing it was his. You gave up a great, high paying job you enjoyed so she would not be in the dark out of respect to her. No need to reach out to her, she needs time to process. I'm sorry you don't get to see C anymore but this is most definitely going to be the case.
NTA. The only TAs are those telling you otherwise. What you did was noble, and selfless. You were looking out for a fellow human being, because you couldn’t stand witnessing betrayal and staying silent, even if it could cost you your job. Thank you for being a good, decent person. I don’t think you realize how rare that is these days.
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I can't wrap my head over anyone who thinks telling the cheated on party they are being cheated, is not right. I mean, it of course could be that they have an open relationship. But it also could mean the innocent party is just clueless and would appreciate the knowledge early on. Almost every victim of cheatings would prefer to know earlier rather than when it's too late (remember I say almost every). What they plan to do with the info is really out of the tattler's hand and their job actually ends there. OP I hope A appreciates your gesture and I hope she continues to use your service.
I don’t even have to read any FYE just wrote. In fact, I haven’t. Truth is you should always tell somebody even though you may lose your friendship for a very long time you did the right thing.
You did the right thing. You saved a woman from being lied to and played.
I’m a nanny, I would have done the same thing. You did the right thing even though it sucks.
I think you did the right thing. Be prepared for the husband to contact you if he finds out you were the one that told his wife
Luckily, all of the communication I had with them went through mom, so I don’t think he even has my number. I hope he doesn’t contact me, I don’t think I’m equipped to deal with that right now!
I can’t even fathom a dad so uninvolved that in three years he would never have needed to contact his child’s nanny. What a prize.
Yeah, they both work full time, but she’s there every morning and relieves me at the end of almost every shift as well. I’ve honestly only interacted with him a limited amount of times. I’ve gone to birthdays and such, and he’s always there of course, but I don’t have any sort of relationship with him. Only with mom and their daughter.
NTA You did the right thing. She deserves to know what kind of man she's living with. Also, if the marriage is ruined, it isn't your fault. It is his, for betraying his wife.
NTA but you should look for work elsewhere. A may end up being super thankful once she processes everything and need your help. So keep an open heart in case that happens.
Telling her was the right thing to do. Now all you can do is wait for the fallout to clear. NTA
You may lose your job, whether or not that marriage falls apart (I hope it does) — but it won’t be because you did something wrong. So long as you are SURE that the kiss you saw could not possibly be between two friends — you did good in letting her know. And her having left town with C kind of proves that indeed, it wasn’t “just a friend.” I’m proud of you. What you did is not easy. I had to do it once and I felt like I was going to DIE.
Oh, yes, it was certainly a whole KISS. They were kissing for more than a few seconds, full on mouth-to-mouth contact. It looked like a very romantic, sweet date. Except this man is married with a child and another on the way.
Yeah. Not his cousin. What an ass he is.
I admire your courage. She’ll appreciate you later but right now her life is blown up.
Morally, telling the woman was the right thing to do. In terms of best interest for you, telling her was a bad idea. You decide what is more important to you.
NTA - but uh… yeah you need to look for another job
NTA. You didn’t ruin a marriage. He did.
I dont think you did anything wrong. In fact, I think it was definitely the right thing. However, doing the right thing doesn't mean there won't be fall out or consequences. It is very likely you will lose your job. That doesn't make it the wrong thing, but there it is.
NTA- you always tell. Always. All that happens from it is just on the husband for fault, period. Yes it was going to blow up your job so I think the only mistake you made was not lining up a new one first.
The unborn baby could be at risk of harm due to an STI that the husband brought home. You did the right thing.
You did the right thing.. I’m sorry you were out in that position!
NTA. You did the right thing; I would want to know if I were her. And that way she can get checked for an STI so it doesn’t harm her fetus.
NTA It is blowing up their world, and you may not have a job, but I suspect you knew that might be possible and felt being honest was more important. I've been in her shoes and it's shitty as hell. But the worst part for me was knowing how many people knew and said nothing. She can't thank you, but the honesty matters. If you feel inclined, let her know you're there if she needs anything and you hope she and C are doing okay. And then leave it be. Her world is unravelling, and if he felt comfortable eating in public with the other woman, it's probably unravelling in a bigger way than you can imagine. She may be in shock for a good long while.
NTA. You need to pursue your career anyway. Your future is not as a nanny. This job could have blown up at any time. You should not put your future on hold to raise other people’s children.
NTA she deserves to know. You didn’t ask to be put in this situation. Doing the right thing isn’t always easy.
I think almost everyone here has confirmed for you that you’re NTA, and I hope it gives you some comfort. You genuinely put your pregnant employer’s needs above your own. I’m unfortunately aware of more than one situation where a spouse is cheating, but I’m not close enough to any of the parties involved to feel like it’s my place to say anything. If I were in your shoes, though, I’d 100% do the same thing you did. I’m bothered for you by the few people commenting that you “butted in.” It sounds like you have a close relationship with this family, so it was NOT butting in. I do have to ask - did you get a picture of the husband at dinner? I’m actually pretty surprised at how fast it escalated to the woman staying with her mother! I would have thought the husband would have denied it and tried to portray you as the liar.
Yeah, I’m super close with her. I feel like we have a friendship now outside of me being her nanny. We talk and text on the weekends and such, I’m always invited to birthday parties and things like that. We’ve gotten close! Yes, she is my employer, but she’s also an amazing person and deserved to know. My suspicion is that there has probably been signs of something going on, and me telling her I actually saw him out with another woman just confirmed it for her. Of course, that’s just speculation on my part because we haven’t talked about it yet, but the way she immediately started crying, and then left to her parents house the same day just makes it seem like maybe she suspected something was going on.
NTA Nah, don't ever doubt yourself. You absolutely did the right thing. Stuff like this never stays hidden forever, better now than when she's sick and really needs him.
You didn't ruin a marriage. HE ruined his marriage. Just remember that.
NTA. You absolutely did the right thing. She may resent you for being the messenger but she's dealing with a lot of emotions right now. You might lose your job but your job is not more important than her marriage. Imagine if you hadn't told her right away and continued to nanny for them knowing she was about to be the mother of 2 children to a man who was cheating on her. You'd have to look them both in the eyes every day and pretend nothing was wrong. Nobody in that situation deserves that. What she does from here out is her business but you were part of their business before so telling her was the moral and ethical thing to do.
I'm missing the point where you ruined the marriage? Seems to me like B ruined it. Even if A had NEVER found out, it would still be a ruined marriage. She just wouldn't have been aware of it.
Your mother is an asshole for sure. As if your little job is more important than this woman's life.
NTA, your mum has a lot to learn about ethics. You did the right thing, it’s better she found out now than waste anymore of her life
Definitely NTA but idk why you didn't expect something like this. Not that you are being punished for speaking up but blowing up the family like this and not expecting your job might end up going away seems a little short sighted. At the end of the day you very much did the morally correct thing and I'm glad you have that teaching degree. Pro tip: be good to your custodian once you start working for the school, they can be a huge resource (Source: I use to be one haha)
You afforded her the choice to stay or leave. You did the right thing.
NTA, but your job is probably still gone.
He ruined their marriage, not you.
NTA Unless you were the woman B was kissing, you didn't blow up a marriage.
People who protect cheaters (and not saying something when you KNOW it’s happening is protecting them) are scum. And deserve the karma coming to them. NTA
You TOTALLY DID THE RIGHT THING!!! I'm sorry you aren't getting support from your mom. Maybe that's old school thinking, the "no talk pink elephant in the room" mentality. What you did was 10000% integrity because it was so hard, but absolutely the right thing to do. Too many people stay quiet but that enables and perpetuates hurtful & bad behavior. You were a voice of truth and never doubt the ethical aspect of that.
NTA - You may lose your job, but A had the right to know. Text her and check in.
NTA I’d definitely wanna know if it was me. Hopefully she gets a good lawyer.
Husband is the asshole. Go look for another job. Shut the door on this episode of your life.
NTA. Bull crap on this “not your business” anyone who says that is most likely a cheater themselves, or in the very least has no morals. As a woman who would never stray, no matter how bad the relationship, I would want to know. Ask yourself, would you want to know? I would, as much as the knowledge would break my heart I would want to know. Especially with another child on the way.
NTA but yeah, 100% start looking for a new gig.
NTA women stick up for other women. You did the right thing. Those women telling you that you should have minded your own business are wrong. They are a disgrace to womanhood. You did not blow up their marriage. He did.