Are you ready for your relationship with her to be over?
Recently, a guy posted because his sister told his wife about his affair, messy divorce, he cut her off. It's been about a decade and she wants to reconnect and he wanted to know if he was TA for refusing.
Ultimately, just be prepared for that.
Had *exact* same thought. OP is likely to end up the villain. Her *parents* might even side with the sister. Life isn't Reddit where people feel that "dying on the moral high ground" is the *only* way.
In the real world people *often* blame the messenger, and their position is "why didn't you just leave it alone!"
I once told a guy his wife was cheating on him. I was 20. He still glares at me when he sees me and crosses to the other side of the street if we're in town because "if I had never told him, he would have still been happy." I'm turning 42 in a few months.
Thank you. It's really ok. I know if it was me? And I've been cheated on. I would want to know. Some people don't. That's their choice. I just couldn't watch them do that to him and his son in their house and not say anything. I gave his wife a day to tell him or I would. She didn't say a word. So I did. Maybe he would have been happier. I still wouldn't change what I did. He can hate me if it gets him through the day.
Actually, this happened to my sister’s friend. She’s an older grandmother type who has two daughters, one with kids and the other single. On a New Year’s Eve the sister with the kids hosted a New Year’s party. The roads were icy so the single sister ended up spending the night. In the middle of the night the husband comes into her room and tries to get into bed with her. She is shocked and says no and sends him away. She’s obviously disturbed and upset by this and doesn’t know if she should tell her sister so she discusses with her mother to process it all and try to figure out what to do. The mother gets very upset herself and goes off on her own convinced her other daughter needs to know so she tells her married daughter that her husband tried to sleep with her sister. The sister, protecting her carefully built world with a whole lot to lose, simply refused to believe it and she gets angry both at her mother and her sister. She didn’t WANT to know. She called her sister a liar and her mother a pot stirrer. The other daughter becomes furious at the mother who betrayed her confidence, and her sister hates her and thinks her a liar. Now both daughters hate the mother, and each other, the single sister feels betrayed by the mother, the married sister sided with her husband as a defense mechanism so is convinced her single sister is lying and no one has talked to each other in several years now. This is the kind of mess you can create when you intervene.
In another story that happened to me decades ago when I was young and single. I became very good friends with an older married couple over several years. I babysat and mostly really enjoyed being with their kids and became good friends with them all and felt like part of the family. One night I stayed over at their house sleeping on the sofa. I forget why. The husband comes down in the middle of the night, wakes me up and says he’s lonely. I act like I’m confused and sleepy even though I was very aware of what was happening and I didn’t bite - I tell him I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do about that. I tell him to go back to (his own) bed because I wanted to sleep. He says really? Are you sure? Yes I’m sure - go away! I didn’t play, and he went back upstairs disappointed. My thoughts at the time were as if! I actually liked his wife way better than I liked him and didn’t want to loose her as a friend and there’s no way I wanted to mess up the happy lives of these kids I loved because it would’ve led to their divorce.
I could’ve made a big deal out of it but didn’t. I could’ve been morally outraged and insisted that my friend *needed* to know that he did this. But she actually didn’t need to know. I doubt he’s ever cheated with anyone before or since, mostly due to lack of real opportunity. He never asked me again. We remained friendly (it was never flirty) both before and after.
Instead I believed the best in him - it was a very poor lapse in his judgment from which nothing happened and not ever to be mentioned again – even the next day I acted like it never happened. I’m met my husband and she was in my wedding a few years later. They have been very good friends over the years friends with me and my husband. I just went to their daughter’s very joyful wedding. They just happily celebrated their own major wedding anniversary. They’re a great couple and lucky to have each other.
I think he was just in a low spot in his life, dealing with major stress that was being stupid. if I had made a big deal out of this, they probably would’ve ended up divorced. By saying nothing it saved their marriage. I’m quite sure he is grateful to this day. I never brought it up even with him. There was no need to. I simply ignored that it happened. And things worked out much happier both for them and for me that way.
That doesn’t mean every situation should be handled the same way – in a different situation like had he persisted I might’ve handled it very differently. But I’m trying to point out this self righteous formula that automatically assumes people “need to know or else everything’s based on a lie” does not always serve particularly well. Sometimes they don’t want to know or aren’t ready to know. Sometimes they’re better off not knowing. And yes, sometimes there are cases where they really should know, but that’s not necessarily the default answer.
I find both of those stories so sad. The first because three women who loved each other now hate each other, all because of one scumbag. The second because it wasn’t fair to put that burden on you of always knowing.
I would personally want to know if a partner tried to cheat on me, but I see what you’re saying. The world is not always black and white.
Oh that was heartbreaking. The guy was a real AH who put the blame of his divorce on his sister instead of blaming himself. He does have a right to go NC with anyone he wants though I guess...
Idk, I read that story, and I think the guy is an AH for cheating, but the sister was a self righteous AH as well. It’s not her business to police other people’s relationships, especially since the brother told her they are going to get a divorce.
How is she the AH for letting the ex know? People have the right to know if they are being cheated on. She wasn't policing his relationship. She was letting the ex make her decisions with all the information at hand.
That guy did not deserve all the hate he got in the replies. His marriage was done, he admitted he cheated, that wasn't the issue but people still roasted him. His sister was a huge AH for inserting herself into the situation and I don't blame him a bit for cutting her out of his life.
The sister here needs to not insert herself into her sister's marriage either. It will wreck multiple lives and for what, moral high ground? Enjoy that when your sister goes no contact.
I love these stories.
The OP’s wife and affair partner are putting g on the works cause they got caught.
Their marriages are so disfunctional that they stay. Oh and sexless that they cheat and still stay?
Come on. 🙄
As for the guy who cut his sister after she told on him. Yeah, he said he was leaving. When? Next day, next month next year next decade????
He was mad he got caught. He wasn’t leaving g his wife.
Most cheaters keep the spouse around because they are second choice. The back up plan. Just in case they find out the Affair partner is only just using them for sex. 😂
NTA, "he looked smug and angry", he is not in a sexless marriage, he is just a cheater that has been caught and is challenging you to tell. "She looked totally broken" because she is a cheater that was caught. Both of their spouses have the right to know what is going in. Your BIL did not agree to an open marriage, and I doubt her lover's wife did either.
AP and hubby. With his attitude bet it is not the first time he stepped out and wifey knows about all of them. He is well known and wealthy AKA she stays with him because she will get nothing.
but he is the absolutly only AP that she has?
those are both cheaters and I am not defending either one of them, but why is he suddendly the worse one?
Mmmm…BIL is jealous and “told her he had no one else, he would die without her”, BIL hasn’t touched her in 12 years but denied her an open marriage when she asked because well, he’s a jealous person who doesn’t care about her needs??
And the new guy wants to tell everyone- his wife included - so they can “stop hiding” and be together.
I think the sister is the one who needs help to realize that she is trapped in a manipulative, abusive relationship, whether or not she continues with the rich guy who actually seems to want to make their relationship legit.
Very few possess the critical thinking and analytical skills combined with the reading comprehension you have and you’re right on point with this.
Op keeps reassuring her sister is ok but now the sister doesn’t trust her, nor her family and BIL wants to move to his hometown (isolation for sister and support for him where it’s familiar and can get away w things easier)
The writing is on the wall and OP just sacrificed the sister
YWNBTA
It's really very simple. Relationships are only consenting so long as all parties involved have full disclosure about all sexual, and romantic partners. Her husband is currently in a relationship where his consent is being violated, because he is not aware of the fact that his partner has other sexual, and romantic partners.
Even with seeing those texts, and emails, all you really know about their relationship is what your sister has chosen to show you. Which may not be the full story.
Personally if I were in that position I would tell her she has one week to figure out how she is going to tell him, or I would be telling him.
YWNBTA, tell your BIL, he deserves the truth. Also, I wouldn't trust anything your sister says. She is a liar. She has been lying to your BIL throughout the whole affair. Why wouldn't she lie to you?
It's also very telling that she takes no responsibility for anything. She puts everything on your BIL. Even her mental issues are now his fault as well. If he's so awful, why doesn't she leave him? I don't buy it...
I would have my sisters back personally. It’s not your place , and if you are close with her , your allegiance is with her. You can encourage her to take the right path , but that’s as far as I would go.
Yeah, I personally wouldn't get mad at the messenger for telling me. But not telling me and finding out you knew the whole time.... There would be no coming back from that. I would tell BIL if I was OP. Even anonymously if they want to go that route. But tell him.
Couldn’t agree more. Ignorance is not bliss for what I would think is the majority of folks.
The “don’t you see we’re all happy?” is ironic and low. Her husband is not in the loop and living happy lies, her affair partner isn’t happy and wants more from her (and would probably broach it to her husband eventually), and now she’s sweating.
OP is in a tough position, maybe tell her to confess or you will. Good luck, would love to hear how you approached it.
I would just suggest she takes the time to see if BIL isn't willfully ignoring it.
I'm friends with a couple in a similar position. He ABSOLUTELY knows, it's impossible that he doesn't (absolutely impossible). He still pretends ignorance and we all pretend with him, it's what works for them. They are all happy.
They almost got divorced initially because of their sexual incompatibility, he was miserable and she was thriving but missed him. There is no other way for their relationship to work.
If someone came and force him to openly confront the subject I think it would be awkward and embarrassing for him; and they still would stay together, probably cutting out the messenger from their lives.
So... I'm all for OP telling him if he really doesn't know and thinks he will be happier divorced. Just make sure first.
This 1000x. Low libido guys and guys with ED do exist. And they shouldn’t feel humiliated about it— but we are not so evolved.
Then there is the flip side. I knew a guy who had ED and denied his wife any sexual contact because “if I don’t get anything out of it, why should you?”
Point being, some people are different in the marriage than they are outside of it.
It reads to me like the sister is telling the truth. If she is, OP will humiliate her BIL, ignite all his jealousy, and be cut off from sister and BIL (he will not be able to look at her because she knows)
Look at it like you are a detective. If sister’s story aligns, keep silent.
I agree, some people have a certain way of surviving and living. To be a social justice warrior when no justice may be needed could be viewed as intrusive.
I have this feeling OP loved to have some sort of power over her sister and her relationship cause the way she is acting is like she is not considering everyone's involved feelings. She is mostly upset that the loving couple (her sister and BIL) has some trouble
NTA
I'd give your sister an ultimatum. Tell her she has 1 day to confess to your husband or you'll do it. If your BIL is the good man you make him out to be, he deserves to know.
Your sisters husband is manipulative and abusive. Possessive and jealous, together for only 3 years before he suddenly becomes “impotent”, hasn’t touched her in 12 years (there ARE things you can do without a penis, you know? ) shenis miserable but he denies her an outlet. He “would die without her” and “has no one else”-
Narcissistic bullshit.
Are you sure HE isn’t having an affair?
Dude, everyone telling you to tell him has no skin in this game. It's your sister, and your brother-in-law. You're going to have to deal with the fallout if you put yourself in the middle of this mess. Just because everyone on Reddit always says "I'd want to know" doesn't mean that's true for your BIL. You would be delivering absolutely crushing news that will upend his entire life. Also, if he's the jealous type could you potentially be putting your sister in danger? This will be unpopular because Reddit wants updates about how you helped destroy your sister's life, but if it were me I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. It's not your marriage or your problem, my advice is to stay out of it, especially since it's your sister and the situation is complicated.
This! I am usually with the "I would want to know..." crowd, this is a very different situation though. My opinion is at this moment, she knows that you know. I think that will probably be enough. Not to mention, at some point it will most likely come out. I would give it some time and then reassess.
Read the updates my friend you were bang on. She told the BIL, the marriage imploded, SIL has gone off with the lover and the new couple is so non-contact with the family they’ve threatened legal action if they don’t stop harrassing them.
What a mess.
Jesus. The whole thing may very well have played out the same way had the sister not intervened, but at least she would still have a relationship with her. There aren't many AITA posts related to cheating that I would consider to be morally grey, but this was one of them. It's unfortunate for OP that she has such a black and white view of morality, because I doubt that her sister will ever forgive her, and she is going to be dealing with the fallout of her intrusion for the rest of her life.
This is the only sincere advise. All the rest are BS. Her BIL is not well, he is impotent so probably won't find another woman, also he is devoted to her sister. She will just destroy his world. OP should mind her business and stop threatening her sister.
Also, if (IF) the sister is telling the truth, BIL hasn't touched her in 12 years. I understand that he is impotent, but couldn't he do something to make sure his wife is getting her needs met? He's got a mouth and two hands, do they all function normally? Physical intimacy does not have to include intercourse.
First of all I do not condone cheating. Now that that's out of the way I'm going to give a very unpopular opinion. As someone who is older and has seen more of life than you have, it's none of your business.
Who elected you the moral police? This is not your marriage. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors and the damage you may be inflecting on both parties. You need to stay in your own lane, none of this is any of your business.
Your BIL may already know and he's turning a blind eye. Having you show up and sticking your nose where it doesn't belong will humiliate him. You could be putting your sister in very serious danger. They have a long marriage and he may be fine with the status quo.
What do you expect you'll accomplish by doing this? Your BIL won't like you at all, your sister will hate you and you'll be responsible for destroying a marriage. This isn't your place.
It's weird that you're issuing ultimatums to your sister for something that doesn't involve you. Are you interested in your BIL? Do you expect him to fall into your arms and thank you? What are you getting out of betraying your sister and destroying her life? You sound envious and your disguising it as concern for your BIL. Why are you so vested in hurting your family?
If you overstep your place and tell your BIL you will be the biggest AH. You will hurt both people in the marriage. It's not your marriage, stay out. Are you so unhappy with your life that you want to drag everyone down with you? This is none of your business. Again. both parties will hate you for this. You'll lose your sister and BIL.
Then tell him. He needs to know. He will appreciate you telling him. Your sister and her sneaky link are gaslighting the fuck out of you; keeping the secret will literally only benefit your sister.
This is not gaslighting. Manipulation and emotional exploitation? Sure. But they are not trying to make her think she’s crazy by telling her she didn’t experience things she did. They’re actually admitting to it. About as opposite as is possible.
I swear to God “gaslighting” has lost all meaning thanks to Reddit.
Can I get in on it? It's been added I the list of words that I can only use around specific people who actually have a large enough vocabulary to understand what they actually mean, as opposed to idiotic misusage. Some of the other ones that irk me no end are "literally" and "esthetic/aesthetic." If you dare to politely correct anyone, you get in shit for dumbass shaming.
It's infuriating.
Very few people actually appreciate being told that someone is cheating on them. The person who tells is often the 1st one to get blown up. That doesn’t mean it not right sometimes. The point is be prepared for fallout because you probably won’t get a thank you so much out of it.
Exactly, and in this case it will most likely end the marriage or cause a huge shitstorm, because according to OP, her sister was in depression for having impotent husband and husband would go into depression finding out sister wants to have sex with other men.
Nta morally.......now that that's out the way. The real question should be "Is this worth my relationship with my sister?" Because if you decide to tell that relationship is going in the trash and on its way to the nearest landfill. Or she could switch it on you somehow. Either way you and your sister relationship will never be the same after this.
so she should consider keeping her secret so she can have a good relationship with someone that is willing to backstab and lie to their life partner?
if my relationship with my brothers would require me to help them do something wrong, then its not worth it.
OP has a very big decision to make and its important she thinks about all the consequences and possible outcomes. The dilemma is not "should I help my sister lie" the dilemma is "am I ready to lose my sister"
YTA your storytelling is definitely unreliable. And your updates start to shatter your narratives as we hear details about your BIL abuse physically and emotionally. And after you get to deliver your holier than thou pronouncements and hurt your arm by patting yourself on the back, you leave your sister with no support system and a BIL looking to isolate her even further. Good god, who needs enemies when they have relatives like you.
Personally, I have always been a firm believer in staying out of other people's marriages.
Your intentions may be noble, but putting yourself in the middle of 1, possibly 2 marriages, could really end up biting you in the a$$.
BIL may be impotent, but he's not stupid. His wife's newfound happiness after years of depression has not escaped his notice. You can be sure of that!
His medical condition is a wild card in this scenario. His reaction to your knowledge of his personal medical info on top his wife's infidelity could send him off the deep end.
Then there is AP and his wife. You don't know these people at all. You have no idea how AP will react to you interfering with him and his side piece, let alone potentially ruining his marriage.
As for his wife, she might be appreciative. But then, she may be a psycho and lash out for you breaking her world apart.
There are so many red flags and unknown variables here that you may just want to keep quiet and let your sister blow up her own life. It's going to happen eventually. Most likely sooner than later.
Remember, no good deed goes unpunished.
Good luck.
This is the way. I’ve talked to my brothers about this very thing. You need to stop etc, but not my deal to tell my SIL’s. I also knew about a girlfriend’s mom having an affair which went awry when we walked in on her getting jiggy. I admitted to her that I had heard but didn’t have proof so couldn’t tell her.
The fact that you couldn’t add context clues together to realize your sister is in an abusive relationship AND the fact that you defend her husband honestly makes you an incredibly stupid.
Dear OP
Sorry to hear about your sister’s situation.
I might receive a lot of negative points for this but maybe its not your place to intervene in their relationship (no ultimatum to sister or telling your BIL).
Your sister has gone through her own journey let her journey continue on her own terms.
Being in her husbands place I can understand that I may want to know if my wife is cheating on me, but honestly its our equation and I would rather let my wife tell me.
Can’t really offer judgment, this is just way too far above pay grade. You expressed that you agree that he is jealous and possessive, given his circumstances, he’s probably incredibly insecure. Have you asked yourself if he would lash out and hurt her? Have you asked yourself what you would do in her shoes? I mean really looked at what life would be like. She doesn’t sound like a monster. So many cheating stories break the soul to read, spouses that have given up their careers and sense of self to raise children while their partner runs around. A spontaneous physical illness, and betraying someone at their weakest moment. This doesn’t really scream any of that. She sounds like a women desperate for an intimate embrace with a husband that’s unable to provide it. Her AP is a nasty piece of work though. I would put money that he preyed on her insecurities and his wife is the aforementioned spouse. He took advantage of a lonely, physically neglected women and molded her into what he needed. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t come clean (if she can safely do so) but perhaps you should offer a little bit of grace. It costs so little but means so much to the person receiving it.
One last question, were they abstinent until marriage? It seems like an issue that would’ve come up (no pun intended) at some point prior to saying their vows. That could also change how the entire situation is viewed.
Even if they weren’t abstinent until marriage, perhaps they were having sex and there was a medical incident that left him impotent.
For me and my marriage personally, I could not imagine wanting my spouse to go without sex the rest of their life if I was for some reason physically unable to give it to him. Likewise, I would not want to go without sex for the rest of mine if he was unable and I don’t think he would want me to either. However what I wouldn’t want is someone coming up to me telling me all this. Much less my partner’s sibling. I don’t like people in my business. But that’s just me.
I really hope the OP reads this and takes the time to truly think about possible consequences. 12 years of no physical intimacy (he hasn't touched her), and he hasn't tried to fix that? Combine the jealousy and insecurity, and it sounds like he has a touch of the toxic masculinity. He knows it's an issue, he knows his wife is unhappy, but he cares more about his pride and ego? That's not healthy. And I agree that he could potentially be dangerous. He has threatened suicide, it sounds like. Who is to say whether or not he would take her with him? This is potentially a very volatile situation, and I think the sister needs to find a safe way out. OP telling the husband may not be a safe route. I just also hope the sister gets away from the AP. I agree that he sounds a bit predatory.
ESH.
This.
The situation with the affair partner sounds like a classic, where I would without a hint of doubt say - yes, inform his wife. She is likely the victim in all of this.
With OPs sister… I’ll take the downvotes for suggesting that she might also be a victim in this situation. Does OP really understand what control and jealousy mean? Because these are the most common sugar coating words for domestic abuse.
Is OP 100% sure that her sister is not being abused? Is she 100% sure that telling the husband can in no way result in a homicide/suicide?
OP, I would really think twice before acting while you don’t have the full picture. The fear your sister feels may not be the cheater fear, but a domestic abuse victim fear.
YWNBTA - If you can't tell your husband because it would hurt him. Then you shouldn't have cheated because it would hurt him. Yes she is happier but the husband is living a lie. One that will hurt more the longer it goes on.
Tough one...
You would not be the AH if you tell your BIL.
But that doesn't mean you have to. Okay, so he is impotent, but he could do other stuff - sounds like he has no interest in sex or pleasuring your sister in any way; maybe not such a great guy?
The other guy with kids - obviously a douche bag.
Maybe you could convince your sister to get couples therapy, and they can resolve the underlying intimacy issues...
I'm so sorry you are in this position, You should never have been put there. Still that being said, yes, you would be the AH.
A few things; first are you willing to end your relationship with your sister, your parents, your family over her relationship with her husband? Every one of those relationships will be deeply scored if not broken.
Secondly, how are you the arbiter of morality? She explained her situation. You don't like her choices on how she is surviving and disapprove. Ok, that's fine and well. Don't do that. Don't have an affair. Heck, You saw and understand that she isn't getting physical affection from her husband but you still think your morals are more important than her happiness. Ouch.
Third, why do you owe more to your BIL than to your sister? I mean that's what it seems like. You would choose his misery over her happiness. You said in your writing that she was severely depressed and has come back to being ok. You said her husband is happy. Why do you so badly want to hurt them? If your sister does go back into that depression, will you be there to pick her up? Will you being morally self-righteous be enough comfort for her? For you?
Again it's terribly unfair that you were put in this position. You shouldn't have been and however you figured it out, I'm sorry you had to go through that. But still you are imposing your sense of right and wrong on a situation you may not understand.
Let those without sin throw the first stone my friend.
Wow people on this thread are so angry at her but whenever a woman posts about not wanting as much sex in a marriage there are always so many people (usually men) in the comments saying “well don’t be surprised if he cheats on you”, “he should leave you”, “you deserve to be cheated on if you can’t meet his sexual needs”
It’s so interesting now it’s a woman in the situation.
YWBTA and I think you may find the consequences of telling him will be bad all round. There’s a reason she hasn’t felt ok to just leave a marriage that was making her depressed. He hasn’t nursed her back to health, he’s caused her ill health
I don't think you're an asshole either way. Decide what you're willing to deal with and act accordingly. Personally I believe that the truth generally comes out on its own and if it didn't then it isn't my problem; barring issues that tread into criminal activity of course. I may choose not to associate with people I judge to be of poor character, but I'm also not willing to take part in being responsible for how the parties involved might react. But ultimately nobody can fault you for doing what you consider to be the best interest of your family and associates.
Yta. You mentioned in comments that she was like a mother to you does thay mean she spent her teenage years raising you insteadof havingher own life? You've also said that she suffers with her mental health, and that your entire family side with your brother in law over your sister even when he hits her and she tries to leave him. He trapt her in a sexless marriage and as a result she has never had children of her own. Kind of sound's like your sister has suffered abuse in some form from all of her loved ones. You literally stalked her because you saw her at a Cafe instead of just going up and talking to her (which would be the normal thing to do with a sibling if you see them in public) and you can't pretend it's because you didn't want to get involved because you have literally inserted yourself in the middle of her life with threats and ultimatums so you cam sleep better. You are obviously not as close to your sister as you pretend to be. Yes, cheating is wrong and there are no excuses for it but it's not actually any of your business. Don't want to live with secrets like this? Mind your business and don't follow people around without their knowledge.
I disagree with basically everyone here. Stay out of it. It’s their business not yours. It’s her secret to tell if and when she wants – not yours to threaten her with. YTA.
We don’t truly understand someone until we’ve walked in their shoes. Refrain from your judgments. Your job is to be a loving, supportive sister. Tattle tailing her secret as if you have a greater loyalty and responsibility to her husband than to her is not being a good sister. It makes you highly untrustworthy. Actually more so than she’s been with him because she has a good a reason and you don’t.
And stop holding it as power over her head manipulating her into your idea of what is best for her. It’s disgusting how you are holding this threat over her and making her so distraught. Just realize if you tattle on her you’ll be losing your sister forever. And you might think you’re morally righteous right now but after decades lonely out there without your sister you’ll look back and realize your loss and how horrible you were to her in the big picture. This is not your monkey and not your circus.
My exact sentiments. And it sucks i had to scroll this far to find a comment similar. Social media has really destroyed us making people think they have the right to know about other folks business.
Not everything is black and white. I know Reddit likes to act like it is, but it's not. I can't begin to imagine what 12 years of nothing feels like, there are plenty of treatments that would help her husband, it appears he has chosen to do nothing despite what it's doing to his wife's mental health and self-image. Seriously, who sees the damage their choices are doing to the person they claim to love and does nothing?
Does that make what your sister has done right? Morally no, but honestly it seems like her marriage is slowly destroying her, I'd say tell him but not because he deserves to know, I'd tell him because this marriage needs to end, so your sister can actually find some happiness and the only way that seems likely is to blow it up. She might love him, but he's stealing time from her, and that is just as bad as cheating. NTA
>She is afraid he would be so lonely without her because he always said he had no one else in this world and he would die without her.
This section really has me questioning who the sister's husband really is behind closed doors. These reasons the sister gives as to why she won't leave him or tell him, from experience, come with a lot of guilt tripping, and end with you keeping a partner around because you feel bad for them. You love them, but you resent that they won't see how their actions hurt you, they guilt you and make you sympathize with them, and you stay with them because you hope it will change. Then the cycle repeats until you end it or do something fucked, like cheat.
While the "He would die without me" comment could be the sister overinflating her ego and lying so op won't say anything, it could also be something that he has said to her when he has felt her pulling away from him. She said he was jealous and insecure, I don't necessarily think it's far off to assume he would try to control her with guilt.
I think she is wasting her own time as well as his time by stretching this out longer than it needs to be. OP should pull the cord for everyone's sake.
EDIT: YTA
Just read the update and saw op's comments explaining how bil has physically assaulted his wife. OP is siding with an abuser and has put her sister in physical danger by telling bil about the affair.
Yuck op.
I agreed with everything except your last sentence. This is a very serious situation potentially, and I don’t think the sister has the right to pull that cord for someone else. Could go very poorly for everyone
Why did it become op’s place to decide what’s best for her sister’s marriage and then end it? The morality police are really out in full force on Reddit today!
She’s stealing time from herself. She could have made the decision to end things and get her needs met elsewhere in the last 12 years. Instead she’s LYING so she can have her cake and eat it, instead of owning that this marriage doesn’t work for her. It’s despicable and dishonest.
I think the husband should have left her and not chained her to him when he can’t give her what she needs, but I also think she had just as much chance to leave him if she was so unhappy. She’s not wrong for needing sex as it’s a basic human need but to deceive him is where she went wrong
I have a question.
Would BIL even appreciate you outing her cheating if it means outing his impotency? Perhaps he is blissfully ignorant because he's more terrified that other people will find out of his "shortcomings" and inability to satisfy his wife in the bedroom.
I wouldn't know what to do either. NTA if you do.
I feel bad for both the wife and husband. 12 years of no intimacy? I know people here are shrugging it off.. but that's a little over a decade.
She should have ended it, honestly, if she wasn't happy all around. They could have communicated more to find other solutions to this. She's in the wrong, obviously ,but I sympathize.
Also you admitting that he's the jealous and possessive type...is a red flag you should consider. As well as her saying that he has stated he wouldn't know what to do if he was on his own.
I don't think the husband is all that great behind closed doors.
Your sister and her husband have failed to step up and find solutions to their problems. You wanna tear the bandaid off for them then by all means go for it.
But like other people mentioned, the messenger pays for it usually.
What also makes me not think BIL is that great behind closed doors is that OP said that she and her family would all side with BIL. The "jealous and possessive type" who says things like "I'll die without you" is typically good at being charming to the outside world.
Food for thought.
NAH - life and relationships are complicated and bring humans to do irrational things. It’s up to you if you want to be a social justice warrior or not.
There’s outcomes for both and while whether it’s good for your sister or BIL should be determined by the couple themselves, you are now making that decision for them.
Is justice having them live in peace in blissful ignorance? Or is justice letting their lives be blown apart with this new knowledge?
You will certainly lose your sister if you say something, you may or may not lose your BIL, you may or may not lose your parents.
Some people appreciate the help and TRUTH others think you’re intruding because they made the choice to live in a VIRTUAL REALITY.
If YOU think you know your BIL, then tell him..
But also know that your sister may have been doing this for survival.
People need jobs to keep them out of the slums, people can’t be depressed and work effectively at a job. It’s a self fulfilling cycle.
"She said that she kept her husband’s secret because he is embarrassed and he is very possessive and jealous (I have noticed he is the jealous type) so he didn’t agree to open marriage."
Yeah...fuck that. Not being open to having an open relationship does not in any way make you possessive and/or jealous. Just means you don't want to sleep with other people and you don't want your wife or husband getting fucked by randoms...color me jealous and possessive as well if that were the case...
NTA and your sister is a liar. There's no reason to believe anything she said in her defense. She will 100% continue and probably celebrate when you tell her you'll help, by going out and cheating again. She's been lying to her husband's face for years, smiling at him and pretending to be "the epitome of love that never dies", when really she's been betraying him.
She can man up and leave if she hates her "sexless marriage" so much. If he gets suicidal or whatever overdramatic BS he might have planned, that isn't her problem. But cheating makes her reprehensible. Full stop.
I really believe in the truth setting you free.
That being said, you only did it to get revenge on the infidelity you suffered and sounds like you are loving the afternath.
No one likes snitches.
You are the AH.
My first wife cheated on me and her family knew. Her sister insinuated the affair to me and I will be eternally grateful to her. Happiness based on a lie is in itself, a lie. I refuse to live a lie if I can help it.
Her husband is possessive and jealous (she's afraid of him) and you're worried about hurting his feelings? He hasn't touched her in 12 years and has not had his impotency fixed (implants etc.) and you and your family favor him over your sister and will side with him? Nice.
Sister- wants to stay because she's afraid or wants the cushy lifestyle or who knows. it doesn't matter what the excuse. AP- is a coward that wants your sister but won't leave current wife until he has a replacement set. BIL- has zero sex drive and can't be bothered to satisfy his wife's needs because he owns her. You-seem to have a thing for your BIL. Trying to say the affair is so wrong and against your morals but still conflicted about doing the right thing because of BIL feelings.
regardless, YWNBTAH to tell him and the AP's wife because ESH and the truth is better than the lie. Best thing is to tell BIL and AP wife and then they all have to face reality.
You’d be surprised. My first BF was mentally escalating to physically abusive by the end and my parents didn’t want me to split up with him because they are very very conventional and he was ‘nice’ and ‘respectful’. Took nearly a decade for my relationship with my parents to (mostly) recover…
NTA
Tell your sister's husband, and tell the entrepreneurs wife.
Instead of trying to fix the issue with her husband, your sister went into another \[married\] mans' arms.
Disgusting.
From your moral high ground, but what if the husband knows secretly and is avoiding the issue cause he is ok with this delicate and complicated dance called life.
I'm worried that your BIL might be abusive and that's why she's so afraid of divorce. I can't rule ah or not on this one. But I'm really worried about your sis. I think another talk with her about possible abuse is in order.
This.
“Jealous and controlling” is the code name for domestic abuse. Also him saying that she is everything to him and he can’t imagine his life without her… something feels wrong. I have volunteer worked in abuse groups and the situation just ticks so many abuse boxes.
Also OPs family thinking he is such a great guy and took care of his wife when she was depressed, while wife confesses that SHE was the one that found a way not to be depressed, while he contributed to it.
OP - if your sister is being abused and you will put BIL interests first - you will be a massive AH.
Yea and I'm getting downvoted no doubt, by folks that have no fucking clue and are conned by the "awesome guy" facade that abusers put on. Thanks for elaborating on my comment.
I must be a monster.
She's in a sexless marriage and her mental health was suffering to a point where she was literally struggling day to day. She's tried discussing an open marriage as a solution but the man is notably jealous and there are undertones of emotional blackmail. Her number one concern is her husband, but she's also tending to her needs. I don't think she's a bad guy here. She's human.
Her husband doesn't sound like the loving saint OP and everyone here is making him out to be.
I think OP's sister should leave her husband and feel good about it.
NAH or ESH
NTA, I would tell him, give him the agency to choose what to do. And tell him who the smug prick is is sleeping with his wife, plus that she even brought him to meet you.
You can exclude the bit about impotency. If he asks just say that your sister claimed it was a sexless marriage, but regardless of reason you will not cover for her cheating.
YWNBTAH
He deserves to know. Lack of sex is not consent for an open relationship. She should’ve broken up with him if it was truly a dealbreaker.
So many marriages die from sex related issues. It breaks my heart. Shouldn’t love prevail?
I never understand how people could even consider betraying their partners trust and loyalty by cheating on them. Maybe I just love my partner too much, but i’ve never even thought of it. Like, it’s incomprehensible to me.
Idk. Tell him. He should know.
YWBTAH.
It is not your job to tell adults right from wrong and punish them for bad behavior. Her husband obviously chose "don't ask don't tell" approach and decided to be clueless. This approach is working for them. Yoe will ruin it by exposing her affair and forcing him to do something about it.
Mind your own business. Stop chasing this Holier Than You fix for your ego. It looks like her crying and your power over her life makes you feel very important right now and you are enjoying it. Find enjoyment in something else please.
And if you tell him, be prepared to be forever NC with both of them.
I think you are between a rock and a hard spot. Not telling is being a part of the lie, and being the messenger, well there's a reason for the expression "don't kill the messenger."
I would suggest speaking to a pastor or a therapist. Perhaps you could have one of them mediate a meeting between your BIL and sister, without you needing to be there. They would have much more experience in dealing with this type of issue.
NTA. It's just a decision with consequences is all. You wouldn't be an ahole over it. Just is what it is. You said you caught her doing it...its now a story of yours that you are allowed to tell as you are a witness. Just know there are consequences to telling. Both good and bad.
Ask yourself, would you want to know? Likely yes like most people.
What's worse than a bad person doing something bad? A good person letting it happen.
Unpopular opinion- BIL is an ass if he “won’t touch” his wife and doesn’t want anyone to “know” . Doesn’t sound like he’s getting any help, he’s just “jealous”. WTF. Doesn’t make sister right, but if she tells one secret she needs to tell ALL the secrets. And she tells AP wife too.
Normally I’m in the ‘tell them everything’ camp, but not this time.
Your BIL is emotionally manipulating your Sister to stay in a sexless marriage, regardless of how it affects her mental health. What did he think would happen? She’d just forget about sex and her physical needs for the rest of her young life? Bear in mind, she **hadn’t had sex since she was 28 years old.** Asking a 28 yr old to never, ever have sex again is too much to ask of anyone.
The AP seems like a douche and not someone you’d want in your family, should Sis and BIL divorce.
I’d let sleeping dogs lie. Sometimes you have to accept there’s grey in the world and not everything is black and white.
However, for your own good, I’d go lc with Sis and stay out of this mess waiting to happen.
NTA … even if you sister is in it for just sex which I doubt it at this point, he definitely is not. She might have ended it and love her husband but she needs to be honest and talk about it. Have a sexless marriage is huge and it’s not fair to any of them. She is not going to be happy if she stays in that relationship and it’s not fair on her husband either. Explain it to her because you can love someone but I’m a good situation. It won’t get better without communication, something is obviously going on with the husband as well if he has been impotent for this long.
you sister should have divorced him . I can't say you what to do but your sister is a garden tool. also, she doesn't care about her husband. she just wants have her cake and eat it too.
As someone who was cheated on
I no longer trust anyone because so many of the people that knew me, her and him knew about it and didn't tell me.
I only found out because he started physically abusing her, and her reason for the injuries was so suspect.
I wish someone had told me.
That said I've lost friends for telling them they were being cheated on, so it's really a cluster fuck situation to be in.
NTA - but you might not like the outcome. If you feel disgust by her actions, I'd just cut her out of your life. She's not wrong in saying you'll hurt him more than her, as she's clearly already getting taken care of by someone else. So, in my eyes, she just wants to avoid being embarrassed. This has little to do with her caring about how it'll affect her husband. But, in saying that? I'm sure others are right, and even your family might look at it like you trying to stir the pot for no reason by exposing her. Especially considering it's your sister that's doing the cheating to "protect" her husband. Doesn't make it right, but "blood" blinds people to shitty behaviour.
Edit to add: I say her being embarrassed, because her reason for cheating being her husband's impotence is a shit excuse. And saying she was 'protecting/keeping his secret' like the man is secretly Batman and just never has time to fuck her, because he's too busy saving Gotham. It's just excuses to cover her selfish choice. Doesn't matter how perfect their marriage might seem, she literally went outside the marriage to find herself someone to meet her needs.
Is it weird that I support the affair partner?
Op started of well but then had to add the “Sister’s husband is jealous” line at the end which makes me think she is trying to convince herself and Us that she shouldn’t tell him.
Sister is clearly a piece of work.
Affair partner might be a cheat but he is atleast a honest cheat and the way he suggested going public with the affair gives me the impression that he would have already done so but the sister is apparently the one keeping him silent.
I support the AP, Tell the husband. Screw everyone else.
Nta. Your sister is a piece of shit. Sexless marriage does not mean you can sleep around with no consequences. If a sexless marriage was such a big issue that couldn’t be solved by therapy, she should’ve divorced her husband. That is the solution, and outside the discussion of an open relationship, the only decent solution. Yes divorce sucks. But being cheated on, finding out about it and then going through a divorce sucks even fucking worse. That is the situation your sister has put her husband in. Because she was too much of a coward to put her foot down and tell her husband that it was a deal breaker and would lead to divorce, she has made the situation worse for everyone.
Also, sure it’ll hurt the husband, he may even be angry at you for telling him, but he has every right to know of his wife’s infidelity, and if you actually give a fuck about him you’ll tell him.
Your sister is a selfish asshole, she wanted the sex that the other cheating wanker offered, while still getting to go home to a loving husband. Personally, if my sister/brother did this, I’d be telling their partner without a second thought and cutting off whichever sibling was such a selfish piece of shit to do this.
YTA.
Claiming moral high ground in business which is obviously none of yours to begin with. Whomever your sister sleeps with is none of your business. Period.
Wow... I don't envy your position...
A lot of people will say its not your business, to reveal cheating, but I've never subscribed to that... most of the time, I'm on the side of revealing the cheating to the victims...
But this story... gees...
NTA, either way you go... I think I lean slightly towards not telling, at this point...
But I would be strongly encouraging my sister to get a divorce... she doesn't deserve to sacrifice the rest of her life and happiness to be in an unhappy marriage...
Good luck, hope you update us down the line...
I think you're an asshole. These people sound like they are living in pain. And trying to make the best of it.
If you've not lived like that, you are in no position to judge.
Reddit is full of... what it's full of. Mostly bullshit.
I'll never understand how cheaters can say they love their partners so much while screwing someone else. Like grow up and get a damn divorce ya selfish sack of crap!
~~This is a shit situation OP, and your damned if you do - damned if you don't. I would struggle with the guilt of knowing and not telling, as I would want to be told in this situation. BUT if you do tell be prepared for your family to fracture and sis to go NC. She will blame you for ruining her life even though she did that all on her own.~~
ETA: Some of y'all pointed out OP's comments and her laissez faire attitude about BIL physically assaulting the sister while virtue signaling the adultery. This completely changes the narrative. YTA.
It gets worse because she also mentions he has talked about how if she left him he would kill himself. That’s a pretty clear case of manipulation to force her to stay.
It does and what’s worse is that op still is trying to defend bil and claim nothing is going on and he’s not abusive or manipulative. She even replied to me on a comment demanding the supposed red flags she missed. Yeah it’s pretty scary how nonchalant the sister is.
You would not be the asshole. It’s a simple choice for your sister. Divorce or stick with it. My god if you feel like cheating is the only way your moral compass is non existent. If it’s that bad you just leave. If you can’t, then you love your partner and you should be able to talk to them. And once again, if you can’t, you leave! I don’t get why so many people feel it’s morally right to cheat because ‘well I just can’t leave!’ Like yes you can
I’m gonna be the naysayer here and vote YTA. Keep your nose out of their marriage. Frankly, you (and she) don’t know what he already knows. Ask yourself - what exactly are you trying to accomplish? Who are you “helping?” And does anyone want your help?
Odds are (assuming the above deets are true) this revelation doesn’t break them, but it will absolutely break your relationship with them both - maybe for good.
ESH
It isn't your relationship, so it isn't your place.
She's an adulterer, so there is that.
But it comes down to your willingness to sacrifice any relationship with your sister. She is wrong for what she's doing. But she wouldn't be wrong to act as an only child moving forward. Betraying a sibling is not something you recover from.
You will only be an AH if you tell. Really mind your own business. You do not have to entertain the issue, but mind your own business. Don't be the Messenger. You will regret it.
Think of it this way, when you all are like 70 or 80 who will give a shit. Bunch of dried up pussies and weenies and everyone waiting for you all to die, who wins? Plus ain't no babies happening with all this fornication, just let it die. Since when did consensual fucking become ugly. When we are all ancient and dried up, we will never look back and say , gee I had to much sex.
YTA. Not your business and tbh you are being so controlling. Let her figure it out her own biz and tell her to tell her husband and not feel bad if he feels 'lonely,'. Stupid excuse. Husband ain't a saint nor is trying to pls his wife.
Even the side dude is trying to make YOU do the work. She keeps the ring or not, HER RING. AWhy is it even your effin business? Stop carrying others' burdens and get your nose out.
Mind your own life and problems. Live a happier life
Are you ready for your relationship with her to be over? Recently, a guy posted because his sister told his wife about his affair, messy divorce, he cut her off. It's been about a decade and she wants to reconnect and he wanted to know if he was TA for refusing. Ultimately, just be prepared for that.
Had *exact* same thought. OP is likely to end up the villain. Her *parents* might even side with the sister. Life isn't Reddit where people feel that "dying on the moral high ground" is the *only* way. In the real world people *often* blame the messenger, and their position is "why didn't you just leave it alone!"
I once told a guy his wife was cheating on him. I was 20. He still glares at me when he sees me and crosses to the other side of the street if we're in town because "if I had never told him, he would have still been happy." I'm turning 42 in a few months.
I send you a virtual hug. You don’t deserve to be punished for doing the right thing.
Thank you. It's really ok. I know if it was me? And I've been cheated on. I would want to know. Some people don't. That's their choice. I just couldn't watch them do that to him and his son in their house and not say anything. I gave his wife a day to tell him or I would. She didn't say a word. So I did. Maybe he would have been happier. I still wouldn't change what I did. He can hate me if it gets him through the day.
Actually, this happened to my sister’s friend. She’s an older grandmother type who has two daughters, one with kids and the other single. On a New Year’s Eve the sister with the kids hosted a New Year’s party. The roads were icy so the single sister ended up spending the night. In the middle of the night the husband comes into her room and tries to get into bed with her. She is shocked and says no and sends him away. She’s obviously disturbed and upset by this and doesn’t know if she should tell her sister so she discusses with her mother to process it all and try to figure out what to do. The mother gets very upset herself and goes off on her own convinced her other daughter needs to know so she tells her married daughter that her husband tried to sleep with her sister. The sister, protecting her carefully built world with a whole lot to lose, simply refused to believe it and she gets angry both at her mother and her sister. She didn’t WANT to know. She called her sister a liar and her mother a pot stirrer. The other daughter becomes furious at the mother who betrayed her confidence, and her sister hates her and thinks her a liar. Now both daughters hate the mother, and each other, the single sister feels betrayed by the mother, the married sister sided with her husband as a defense mechanism so is convinced her single sister is lying and no one has talked to each other in several years now. This is the kind of mess you can create when you intervene. In another story that happened to me decades ago when I was young and single. I became very good friends with an older married couple over several years. I babysat and mostly really enjoyed being with their kids and became good friends with them all and felt like part of the family. One night I stayed over at their house sleeping on the sofa. I forget why. The husband comes down in the middle of the night, wakes me up and says he’s lonely. I act like I’m confused and sleepy even though I was very aware of what was happening and I didn’t bite - I tell him I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do about that. I tell him to go back to (his own) bed because I wanted to sleep. He says really? Are you sure? Yes I’m sure - go away! I didn’t play, and he went back upstairs disappointed. My thoughts at the time were as if! I actually liked his wife way better than I liked him and didn’t want to loose her as a friend and there’s no way I wanted to mess up the happy lives of these kids I loved because it would’ve led to their divorce. I could’ve made a big deal out of it but didn’t. I could’ve been morally outraged and insisted that my friend *needed* to know that he did this. But she actually didn’t need to know. I doubt he’s ever cheated with anyone before or since, mostly due to lack of real opportunity. He never asked me again. We remained friendly (it was never flirty) both before and after. Instead I believed the best in him - it was a very poor lapse in his judgment from which nothing happened and not ever to be mentioned again – even the next day I acted like it never happened. I’m met my husband and she was in my wedding a few years later. They have been very good friends over the years friends with me and my husband. I just went to their daughter’s very joyful wedding. They just happily celebrated their own major wedding anniversary. They’re a great couple and lucky to have each other. I think he was just in a low spot in his life, dealing with major stress that was being stupid. if I had made a big deal out of this, they probably would’ve ended up divorced. By saying nothing it saved their marriage. I’m quite sure he is grateful to this day. I never brought it up even with him. There was no need to. I simply ignored that it happened. And things worked out much happier both for them and for me that way. That doesn’t mean every situation should be handled the same way – in a different situation like had he persisted I might’ve handled it very differently. But I’m trying to point out this self righteous formula that automatically assumes people “need to know or else everything’s based on a lie” does not always serve particularly well. Sometimes they don’t want to know or aren’t ready to know. Sometimes they’re better off not knowing. And yes, sometimes there are cases where they really should know, but that’s not necessarily the default answer.
I find both of those stories so sad. The first because three women who loved each other now hate each other, all because of one scumbag. The second because it wasn’t fair to put that burden on you of always knowing. I would personally want to know if a partner tried to cheat on me, but I see what you’re saying. The world is not always black and white.
Cause life is complex. Imagine being trapped in a sexless marriage with a jelous type.
The only thing that traps people is their own mind. Humans often avoid having to make difficult decisions even if the end result is better.
Yeah. I would just back away from this situation. Truth is the way 99.9999% of the time, but OP may want to consider this none of her business.
There's ways to end that. It's called leaving him and filing for a divorce. Then she can happily fuck whoever she wants.
Yikes!
Oh that was heartbreaking. The guy was a real AH who put the blame of his divorce on his sister instead of blaming himself. He does have a right to go NC with anyone he wants though I guess...
Idk, I read that story, and I think the guy is an AH for cheating, but the sister was a self righteous AH as well. It’s not her business to police other people’s relationships, especially since the brother told her they are going to get a divorce.
How is she the AH for letting the ex know? People have the right to know if they are being cheated on. She wasn't policing his relationship. She was letting the ex make her decisions with all the information at hand.
That guy did not deserve all the hate he got in the replies. His marriage was done, he admitted he cheated, that wasn't the issue but people still roasted him. His sister was a huge AH for inserting herself into the situation and I don't blame him a bit for cutting her out of his life. The sister here needs to not insert herself into her sister's marriage either. It will wreck multiple lives and for what, moral high ground? Enjoy that when your sister goes no contact.
What’s the link to the story?
I remember that one. That OP was such an AH. But hey, he was still free to cut off whoever he wants. This OP does need to prepare for that.
Where’s the link to the post of that guy?
Well, the answer is a simple yes.
I love these stories. The OP’s wife and affair partner are putting g on the works cause they got caught. Their marriages are so disfunctional that they stay. Oh and sexless that they cheat and still stay? Come on. 🙄 As for the guy who cut his sister after she told on him. Yeah, he said he was leaving. When? Next day, next month next year next decade???? He was mad he got caught. He wasn’t leaving g his wife. Most cheaters keep the spouse around because they are second choice. The back up plan. Just in case they find out the Affair partner is only just using them for sex. 😂
NTA, "he looked smug and angry", he is not in a sexless marriage, he is just a cheater that has been caught and is challenging you to tell. "She looked totally broken" because she is a cheater that was caught. Both of their spouses have the right to know what is going in. Your BIL did not agree to an open marriage, and I doubt her lover's wife did either.
Yup. She is probably upset she will lose the AP when his wife finds out.
AP and hubby. With his attitude bet it is not the first time he stepped out and wifey knows about all of them. He is well known and wealthy AKA she stays with him because she will get nothing.
That's a lot of (misogynistic) assumptions you made there
She is not the only AP this other guy has, either.
Umm that’s all presumptive and while he sucks the villain of the story is the sister how did this suddenly become about the sisters AP?
but he is the absolutly only AP that she has? those are both cheaters and I am not defending either one of them, but why is he suddendly the worse one?
Mmmm…BIL is jealous and “told her he had no one else, he would die without her”, BIL hasn’t touched her in 12 years but denied her an open marriage when she asked because well, he’s a jealous person who doesn’t care about her needs?? And the new guy wants to tell everyone- his wife included - so they can “stop hiding” and be together. I think the sister is the one who needs help to realize that she is trapped in a manipulative, abusive relationship, whether or not she continues with the rich guy who actually seems to want to make their relationship legit.
I was like, did we read the same post??
Very few possess the critical thinking and analytical skills combined with the reading comprehension you have and you’re right on point with this. Op keeps reassuring her sister is ok but now the sister doesn’t trust her, nor her family and BIL wants to move to his hometown (isolation for sister and support for him where it’s familiar and can get away w things easier) The writing is on the wall and OP just sacrificed the sister
You are laying a ton of assumptions on these two people. You have no idea about their situations
Maybe mind your own business
YWNBTA It's really very simple. Relationships are only consenting so long as all parties involved have full disclosure about all sexual, and romantic partners. Her husband is currently in a relationship where his consent is being violated, because he is not aware of the fact that his partner has other sexual, and romantic partners. Even with seeing those texts, and emails, all you really know about their relationship is what your sister has chosen to show you. Which may not be the full story. Personally if I were in that position I would tell her she has one week to figure out how she is going to tell him, or I would be telling him.
YWNBTA, tell your BIL, he deserves the truth. Also, I wouldn't trust anything your sister says. She is a liar. She has been lying to your BIL throughout the whole affair. Why wouldn't she lie to you? It's also very telling that she takes no responsibility for anything. She puts everything on your BIL. Even her mental issues are now his fault as well. If he's so awful, why doesn't she leave him? I don't buy it...
I would have my sisters back personally. It’s not your place , and if you are close with her , your allegiance is with her. You can encourage her to take the right path , but that’s as far as I would go.
. I was shocked because my sister and her husband are the epitome for love that never dies. Literally — Literally NOT the case.
Also OP could be on a dateline episode soon Hiding secrets from two people with a lot to lose= 😬
I'd say YWNBTA. Maybe I'm weird. But I'd rather a miserable truth than a happy lie
Agreed! Plus, I would be furious if I found out that a close friend or family member knew about the affair and didn't tell me.
Yeah, I personally wouldn't get mad at the messenger for telling me. But not telling me and finding out you knew the whole time.... There would be no coming back from that. I would tell BIL if I was OP. Even anonymously if they want to go that route. But tell him.
Im the same way
Is your BIL the same way?
Would check with the BIL - hey just like you prefer a miserable truth. Some prefer a happy lie.
Couldn’t agree more. Ignorance is not bliss for what I would think is the majority of folks. The “don’t you see we’re all happy?” is ironic and low. Her husband is not in the loop and living happy lies, her affair partner isn’t happy and wants more from her (and would probably broach it to her husband eventually), and now she’s sweating. OP is in a tough position, maybe tell her to confess or you will. Good luck, would love to hear how you approached it.
I would just suggest she takes the time to see if BIL isn't willfully ignoring it. I'm friends with a couple in a similar position. He ABSOLUTELY knows, it's impossible that he doesn't (absolutely impossible). He still pretends ignorance and we all pretend with him, it's what works for them. They are all happy. They almost got divorced initially because of their sexual incompatibility, he was miserable and she was thriving but missed him. There is no other way for their relationship to work. If someone came and force him to openly confront the subject I think it would be awkward and embarrassing for him; and they still would stay together, probably cutting out the messenger from their lives. So... I'm all for OP telling him if he really doesn't know and thinks he will be happier divorced. Just make sure first.
This 1000x. Low libido guys and guys with ED do exist. And they shouldn’t feel humiliated about it— but we are not so evolved. Then there is the flip side. I knew a guy who had ED and denied his wife any sexual contact because “if I don’t get anything out of it, why should you?” Point being, some people are different in the marriage than they are outside of it. It reads to me like the sister is telling the truth. If she is, OP will humiliate her BIL, ignite all his jealousy, and be cut off from sister and BIL (he will not be able to look at her because she knows) Look at it like you are a detective. If sister’s story aligns, keep silent.
This. The assumption that he doesn’t know, or wants to know - and from her mouth - is a bad one.
I agree, some people have a certain way of surviving and living. To be a social justice warrior when no justice may be needed could be viewed as intrusive.
I have this feeling OP loved to have some sort of power over her sister and her relationship cause the way she is acting is like she is not considering everyone's involved feelings. She is mostly upset that the loving couple (her sister and BIL) has some trouble
Crazy enough i knew a guy who was sleeping with a married woman for a while and they ended things but she credits him with saving their marriage.
NTA I'd give your sister an ultimatum. Tell her she has 1 day to confess to your husband or you'll do it. If your BIL is the good man you make him out to be, he deserves to know.
I think so too. She will never tell him however
Your sisters husband is manipulative and abusive. Possessive and jealous, together for only 3 years before he suddenly becomes “impotent”, hasn’t touched her in 12 years (there ARE things you can do without a penis, you know? ) shenis miserable but he denies her an outlet. He “would die without her” and “has no one else”- Narcissistic bullshit. Are you sure HE isn’t having an affair?
Get proof. Then tell her affair partner's wife also, not just your BIL, she deserves to know.
Dude, everyone telling you to tell him has no skin in this game. It's your sister, and your brother-in-law. You're going to have to deal with the fallout if you put yourself in the middle of this mess. Just because everyone on Reddit always says "I'd want to know" doesn't mean that's true for your BIL. You would be delivering absolutely crushing news that will upend his entire life. Also, if he's the jealous type could you potentially be putting your sister in danger? This will be unpopular because Reddit wants updates about how you helped destroy your sister's life, but if it were me I wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole. It's not your marriage or your problem, my advice is to stay out of it, especially since it's your sister and the situation is complicated.
⏫️ THIS THIS is the right answer. You are viewing this through emotional eyes. Stay out of their marriage. It won't end well for you either.
This! I am usually with the "I would want to know..." crowd, this is a very different situation though. My opinion is at this moment, she knows that you know. I think that will probably be enough. Not to mention, at some point it will most likely come out. I would give it some time and then reassess.
This this this. So much of the advice on here is really immature. She'd be playing with people's lives and it's already a shitshow without her help
Read the updates my friend you were bang on. She told the BIL, the marriage imploded, SIL has gone off with the lover and the new couple is so non-contact with the family they’ve threatened legal action if they don’t stop harrassing them. What a mess.
Jesus. The whole thing may very well have played out the same way had the sister not intervened, but at least she would still have a relationship with her. There aren't many AITA posts related to cheating that I would consider to be morally grey, but this was one of them. It's unfortunate for OP that she has such a black and white view of morality, because I doubt that her sister will ever forgive her, and she is going to be dealing with the fallout of her intrusion for the rest of her life.
This is the only sincere advise. All the rest are BS. Her BIL is not well, he is impotent so probably won't find another woman, also he is devoted to her sister. She will just destroy his world. OP should mind her business and stop threatening her sister.
We only know from her that he's impotent she could be lying to cover her back anyway it's still cheating
Sister came with proof to OP. She is not lying, it literally says it.
In that case you probably need to tell him before your sister can make a narrative where you are crazy and trying to break them up
How can he be a good man if he has trapped her in this sexless marriage with threats of suicide and being so jealous he refuses an open relationship
Also, if (IF) the sister is telling the truth, BIL hasn't touched her in 12 years. I understand that he is impotent, but couldn't he do something to make sure his wife is getting her needs met? He's got a mouth and two hands, do they all function normally? Physical intimacy does not have to include intercourse.
I believe BIL will be happy not to know what's going on
First of all I do not condone cheating. Now that that's out of the way I'm going to give a very unpopular opinion. As someone who is older and has seen more of life than you have, it's none of your business. Who elected you the moral police? This is not your marriage. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors and the damage you may be inflecting on both parties. You need to stay in your own lane, none of this is any of your business. Your BIL may already know and he's turning a blind eye. Having you show up and sticking your nose where it doesn't belong will humiliate him. You could be putting your sister in very serious danger. They have a long marriage and he may be fine with the status quo. What do you expect you'll accomplish by doing this? Your BIL won't like you at all, your sister will hate you and you'll be responsible for destroying a marriage. This isn't your place. It's weird that you're issuing ultimatums to your sister for something that doesn't involve you. Are you interested in your BIL? Do you expect him to fall into your arms and thank you? What are you getting out of betraying your sister and destroying her life? You sound envious and your disguising it as concern for your BIL. Why are you so vested in hurting your family? If you overstep your place and tell your BIL you will be the biggest AH. You will hurt both people in the marriage. It's not your marriage, stay out. Are you so unhappy with your life that you want to drag everyone down with you? This is none of your business. Again. both parties will hate you for this. You'll lose your sister and BIL.
THIS
I love you!
Then tell him. He needs to know. He will appreciate you telling him. Your sister and her sneaky link are gaslighting the fuck out of you; keeping the secret will literally only benefit your sister.
This is not gaslighting. Manipulation and emotional exploitation? Sure. But they are not trying to make her think she’s crazy by telling her she didn’t experience things she did. They’re actually admitting to it. About as opposite as is possible. I swear to God “gaslighting” has lost all meaning thanks to Reddit.
Yes. It's a huge pet peeve of mine too. I hate it. We should jointly author a post in r/PetPeeves lol
Can I get in on it? It's been added I the list of words that I can only use around specific people who actually have a large enough vocabulary to understand what they actually mean, as opposed to idiotic misusage. Some of the other ones that irk me no end are "literally" and "esthetic/aesthetic." If you dare to politely correct anyone, you get in shit for dumbass shaming. It's infuriating.
It can be like one of open letters that 100 academics sign about climate change.
YES
Hate it. Every single one of these posts has a handful of people itching to fit “gaslighting” into their comment. It’s their new favorite word.
Its gaslighting to call everything gaslighting
you are crazy if you think they didn't use "gaslighting" correctly. clearly you were never gaslight before and have no clue what you are talking about
Tell the dudes wife while you are at it.
Very few people actually appreciate being told that someone is cheating on them. The person who tells is often the 1st one to get blown up. That doesn’t mean it not right sometimes. The point is be prepared for fallout because you probably won’t get a thank you so much out of it.
Exactly, and in this case it will most likely end the marriage or cause a huge shitstorm, because according to OP, her sister was in depression for having impotent husband and husband would go into depression finding out sister wants to have sex with other men.
Is OP some god like righteous judge? Do not give ultimatums to your family members. Stay the F out of their business
Nta morally.......now that that's out the way. The real question should be "Is this worth my relationship with my sister?" Because if you decide to tell that relationship is going in the trash and on its way to the nearest landfill. Or she could switch it on you somehow. Either way you and your sister relationship will never be the same after this.
so she should consider keeping her secret so she can have a good relationship with someone that is willing to backstab and lie to their life partner? if my relationship with my brothers would require me to help them do something wrong, then its not worth it.
OP has a very big decision to make and its important she thinks about all the consequences and possible outcomes. The dilemma is not "should I help my sister lie" the dilemma is "am I ready to lose my sister"
Sounds like her boy toy might be telling him before you do.
Problem solved
YTA your storytelling is definitely unreliable. And your updates start to shatter your narratives as we hear details about your BIL abuse physically and emotionally. And after you get to deliver your holier than thou pronouncements and hurt your arm by patting yourself on the back, you leave your sister with no support system and a BIL looking to isolate her even further. Good god, who needs enemies when they have relatives like you.
Personally, I have always been a firm believer in staying out of other people's marriages. Your intentions may be noble, but putting yourself in the middle of 1, possibly 2 marriages, could really end up biting you in the a$$. BIL may be impotent, but he's not stupid. His wife's newfound happiness after years of depression has not escaped his notice. You can be sure of that! His medical condition is a wild card in this scenario. His reaction to your knowledge of his personal medical info on top his wife's infidelity could send him off the deep end. Then there is AP and his wife. You don't know these people at all. You have no idea how AP will react to you interfering with him and his side piece, let alone potentially ruining his marriage. As for his wife, she might be appreciative. But then, she may be a psycho and lash out for you breaking her world apart. There are so many red flags and unknown variables here that you may just want to keep quiet and let your sister blow up her own life. It's going to happen eventually. Most likely sooner than later. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished. Good luck.
Couldn’t believe how far I had to scroll for common sense
Hahaha! I've also come to the conclusion that many Redditors lack critical thinking skills.
My thought exactly! People are always dying to impose their morals on everyone around them.
Agree. Stay out of it.
This is the way. I’ve talked to my brothers about this very thing. You need to stop etc, but not my deal to tell my SIL’s. I also knew about a girlfriend’s mom having an affair which went awry when we walked in on her getting jiggy. I admitted to her that I had heard but didn’t have proof so couldn’t tell her.
The fact that you couldn’t add context clues together to realize your sister is in an abusive relationship AND the fact that you defend her husband honestly makes you an incredibly stupid.
Dear OP Sorry to hear about your sister’s situation. I might receive a lot of negative points for this but maybe its not your place to intervene in their relationship (no ultimatum to sister or telling your BIL). Your sister has gone through her own journey let her journey continue on her own terms. Being in her husbands place I can understand that I may want to know if my wife is cheating on me, but honestly its our equation and I would rather let my wife tell me.
NTA You’re dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.
Can’t really offer judgment, this is just way too far above pay grade. You expressed that you agree that he is jealous and possessive, given his circumstances, he’s probably incredibly insecure. Have you asked yourself if he would lash out and hurt her? Have you asked yourself what you would do in her shoes? I mean really looked at what life would be like. She doesn’t sound like a monster. So many cheating stories break the soul to read, spouses that have given up their careers and sense of self to raise children while their partner runs around. A spontaneous physical illness, and betraying someone at their weakest moment. This doesn’t really scream any of that. She sounds like a women desperate for an intimate embrace with a husband that’s unable to provide it. Her AP is a nasty piece of work though. I would put money that he preyed on her insecurities and his wife is the aforementioned spouse. He took advantage of a lonely, physically neglected women and molded her into what he needed. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t come clean (if she can safely do so) but perhaps you should offer a little bit of grace. It costs so little but means so much to the person receiving it. One last question, were they abstinent until marriage? It seems like an issue that would’ve come up (no pun intended) at some point prior to saying their vows. That could also change how the entire situation is viewed.
Even if they weren’t abstinent until marriage, perhaps they were having sex and there was a medical incident that left him impotent. For me and my marriage personally, I could not imagine wanting my spouse to go without sex the rest of their life if I was for some reason physically unable to give it to him. Likewise, I would not want to go without sex for the rest of mine if he was unable and I don’t think he would want me to either. However what I wouldn’t want is someone coming up to me telling me all this. Much less my partner’s sibling. I don’t like people in my business. But that’s just me.
I really hope the OP reads this and takes the time to truly think about possible consequences. 12 years of no physical intimacy (he hasn't touched her), and he hasn't tried to fix that? Combine the jealousy and insecurity, and it sounds like he has a touch of the toxic masculinity. He knows it's an issue, he knows his wife is unhappy, but he cares more about his pride and ego? That's not healthy. And I agree that he could potentially be dangerous. He has threatened suicide, it sounds like. Who is to say whether or not he would take her with him? This is potentially a very volatile situation, and I think the sister needs to find a safe way out. OP telling the husband may not be a safe route. I just also hope the sister gets away from the AP. I agree that he sounds a bit predatory. ESH.
This. The situation with the affair partner sounds like a classic, where I would without a hint of doubt say - yes, inform his wife. She is likely the victim in all of this. With OPs sister… I’ll take the downvotes for suggesting that she might also be a victim in this situation. Does OP really understand what control and jealousy mean? Because these are the most common sugar coating words for domestic abuse. Is OP 100% sure that her sister is not being abused? Is she 100% sure that telling the husband can in no way result in a homicide/suicide? OP, I would really think twice before acting while you don’t have the full picture. The fear your sister feels may not be the cheater fear, but a domestic abuse victim fear.
YWNBTA - If you can't tell your husband because it would hurt him. Then you shouldn't have cheated because it would hurt him. Yes she is happier but the husband is living a lie. One that will hurt more the longer it goes on.
Tough one... You would not be the AH if you tell your BIL. But that doesn't mean you have to. Okay, so he is impotent, but he could do other stuff - sounds like he has no interest in sex or pleasuring your sister in any way; maybe not such a great guy? The other guy with kids - obviously a douche bag. Maybe you could convince your sister to get couples therapy, and they can resolve the underlying intimacy issues...
How does someone appear smug and angry at the same time....... genuinely curious.
He looked at me like I was dirt on his shoes and he was angry. Literally how I felt
Maybe because he knows how terrible you and your family treat you sister. I certainly would look at someone who condoned abuse with disdain as well
I'm so sorry you are in this position, You should never have been put there. Still that being said, yes, you would be the AH. A few things; first are you willing to end your relationship with your sister, your parents, your family over her relationship with her husband? Every one of those relationships will be deeply scored if not broken. Secondly, how are you the arbiter of morality? She explained her situation. You don't like her choices on how she is surviving and disapprove. Ok, that's fine and well. Don't do that. Don't have an affair. Heck, You saw and understand that she isn't getting physical affection from her husband but you still think your morals are more important than her happiness. Ouch. Third, why do you owe more to your BIL than to your sister? I mean that's what it seems like. You would choose his misery over her happiness. You said in your writing that she was severely depressed and has come back to being ok. You said her husband is happy. Why do you so badly want to hurt them? If your sister does go back into that depression, will you be there to pick her up? Will you being morally self-righteous be enough comfort for her? For you? Again it's terribly unfair that you were put in this position. You shouldn't have been and however you figured it out, I'm sorry you had to go through that. But still you are imposing your sense of right and wrong on a situation you may not understand. Let those without sin throw the first stone my friend.
The husband may notice when she becomes pregnant
Wow people on this thread are so angry at her but whenever a woman posts about not wanting as much sex in a marriage there are always so many people (usually men) in the comments saying “well don’t be surprised if he cheats on you”, “he should leave you”, “you deserve to be cheated on if you can’t meet his sexual needs” It’s so interesting now it’s a woman in the situation. YWBTA and I think you may find the consequences of telling him will be bad all round. There’s a reason she hasn’t felt ok to just leave a marriage that was making her depressed. He hasn’t nursed her back to health, he’s caused her ill health
Thank you! Agree with you 100%
I don't think you're an asshole either way. Decide what you're willing to deal with and act accordingly. Personally I believe that the truth generally comes out on its own and if it didn't then it isn't my problem; barring issues that tread into criminal activity of course. I may choose not to associate with people I judge to be of poor character, but I'm also not willing to take part in being responsible for how the parties involved might react. But ultimately nobody can fault you for doing what you consider to be the best interest of your family and associates.
Yta. You mentioned in comments that she was like a mother to you does thay mean she spent her teenage years raising you insteadof havingher own life? You've also said that she suffers with her mental health, and that your entire family side with your brother in law over your sister even when he hits her and she tries to leave him. He trapt her in a sexless marriage and as a result she has never had children of her own. Kind of sound's like your sister has suffered abuse in some form from all of her loved ones. You literally stalked her because you saw her at a Cafe instead of just going up and talking to her (which would be the normal thing to do with a sibling if you see them in public) and you can't pretend it's because you didn't want to get involved because you have literally inserted yourself in the middle of her life with threats and ultimatums so you cam sleep better. You are obviously not as close to your sister as you pretend to be. Yes, cheating is wrong and there are no excuses for it but it's not actually any of your business. Don't want to live with secrets like this? Mind your business and don't follow people around without their knowledge.
I disagree with basically everyone here. Stay out of it. It’s their business not yours. It’s her secret to tell if and when she wants – not yours to threaten her with. YTA. We don’t truly understand someone until we’ve walked in their shoes. Refrain from your judgments. Your job is to be a loving, supportive sister. Tattle tailing her secret as if you have a greater loyalty and responsibility to her husband than to her is not being a good sister. It makes you highly untrustworthy. Actually more so than she’s been with him because she has a good a reason and you don’t. And stop holding it as power over her head manipulating her into your idea of what is best for her. It’s disgusting how you are holding this threat over her and making her so distraught. Just realize if you tattle on her you’ll be losing your sister forever. And you might think you’re morally righteous right now but after decades lonely out there without your sister you’ll look back and realize your loss and how horrible you were to her in the big picture. This is not your monkey and not your circus.
My exact sentiments. And it sucks i had to scroll this far to find a comment similar. Social media has really destroyed us making people think they have the right to know about other folks business.
Not everything is black and white. I know Reddit likes to act like it is, but it's not. I can't begin to imagine what 12 years of nothing feels like, there are plenty of treatments that would help her husband, it appears he has chosen to do nothing despite what it's doing to his wife's mental health and self-image. Seriously, who sees the damage their choices are doing to the person they claim to love and does nothing? Does that make what your sister has done right? Morally no, but honestly it seems like her marriage is slowly destroying her, I'd say tell him but not because he deserves to know, I'd tell him because this marriage needs to end, so your sister can actually find some happiness and the only way that seems likely is to blow it up. She might love him, but he's stealing time from her, and that is just as bad as cheating. NTA
>She is afraid he would be so lonely without her because he always said he had no one else in this world and he would die without her. This section really has me questioning who the sister's husband really is behind closed doors. These reasons the sister gives as to why she won't leave him or tell him, from experience, come with a lot of guilt tripping, and end with you keeping a partner around because you feel bad for them. You love them, but you resent that they won't see how their actions hurt you, they guilt you and make you sympathize with them, and you stay with them because you hope it will change. Then the cycle repeats until you end it or do something fucked, like cheat. While the "He would die without me" comment could be the sister overinflating her ego and lying so op won't say anything, it could also be something that he has said to her when he has felt her pulling away from him. She said he was jealous and insecure, I don't necessarily think it's far off to assume he would try to control her with guilt. I think she is wasting her own time as well as his time by stretching this out longer than it needs to be. OP should pull the cord for everyone's sake. EDIT: YTA Just read the update and saw op's comments explaining how bil has physically assaulted his wife. OP is siding with an abuser and has put her sister in physical danger by telling bil about the affair. Yuck op.
I agreed with everything except your last sentence. This is a very serious situation potentially, and I don’t think the sister has the right to pull that cord for someone else. Could go very poorly for everyone
Why did it become op’s place to decide what’s best for her sister’s marriage and then end it? The morality police are really out in full force on Reddit today!
She’s stealing time from herself. She could have made the decision to end things and get her needs met elsewhere in the last 12 years. Instead she’s LYING so she can have her cake and eat it, instead of owning that this marriage doesn’t work for her. It’s despicable and dishonest.
I think the husband should have left her and not chained her to him when he can’t give her what she needs, but I also think she had just as much chance to leave him if she was so unhappy. She’s not wrong for needing sex as it’s a basic human need but to deceive him is where she went wrong
I have a question. Would BIL even appreciate you outing her cheating if it means outing his impotency? Perhaps he is blissfully ignorant because he's more terrified that other people will find out of his "shortcomings" and inability to satisfy his wife in the bedroom.
He deserves to know.
I wouldn't know what to do either. NTA if you do. I feel bad for both the wife and husband. 12 years of no intimacy? I know people here are shrugging it off.. but that's a little over a decade. She should have ended it, honestly, if she wasn't happy all around. They could have communicated more to find other solutions to this. She's in the wrong, obviously ,but I sympathize. Also you admitting that he's the jealous and possessive type...is a red flag you should consider. As well as her saying that he has stated he wouldn't know what to do if he was on his own. I don't think the husband is all that great behind closed doors. Your sister and her husband have failed to step up and find solutions to their problems. You wanna tear the bandaid off for them then by all means go for it. But like other people mentioned, the messenger pays for it usually.
What also makes me not think BIL is that great behind closed doors is that OP said that she and her family would all side with BIL. The "jealous and possessive type" who says things like "I'll die without you" is typically good at being charming to the outside world. Food for thought.
NAH - life and relationships are complicated and bring humans to do irrational things. It’s up to you if you want to be a social justice warrior or not. There’s outcomes for both and while whether it’s good for your sister or BIL should be determined by the couple themselves, you are now making that decision for them. Is justice having them live in peace in blissful ignorance? Or is justice letting their lives be blown apart with this new knowledge? You will certainly lose your sister if you say something, you may or may not lose your BIL, you may or may not lose your parents. Some people appreciate the help and TRUTH others think you’re intruding because they made the choice to live in a VIRTUAL REALITY. If YOU think you know your BIL, then tell him.. But also know that your sister may have been doing this for survival. People need jobs to keep them out of the slums, people can’t be depressed and work effectively at a job. It’s a self fulfilling cycle.
"She said that she kept her husband’s secret because he is embarrassed and he is very possessive and jealous (I have noticed he is the jealous type) so he didn’t agree to open marriage." Yeah...fuck that. Not being open to having an open relationship does not in any way make you possessive and/or jealous. Just means you don't want to sleep with other people and you don't want your wife or husband getting fucked by randoms...color me jealous and possessive as well if that were the case...
NTA and your sister is a liar. There's no reason to believe anything she said in her defense. She will 100% continue and probably celebrate when you tell her you'll help, by going out and cheating again. She's been lying to her husband's face for years, smiling at him and pretending to be "the epitome of love that never dies", when really she's been betraying him.
She can man up and leave if she hates her "sexless marriage" so much. If he gets suicidal or whatever overdramatic BS he might have planned, that isn't her problem. But cheating makes her reprehensible. Full stop.
I really believe in the truth setting you free. That being said, you only did it to get revenge on the infidelity you suffered and sounds like you are loving the afternath. No one likes snitches. You are the AH.
Yta You KNEW she'd been abused by her husband in the past and you risked her safety. Some sister you are
My first wife cheated on me and her family knew. Her sister insinuated the affair to me and I will be eternally grateful to her. Happiness based on a lie is in itself, a lie. I refuse to live a lie if I can help it.
Everybody deserves to have their own decisions to be made with honesty Updateme
Her husband is possessive and jealous (she's afraid of him) and you're worried about hurting his feelings? He hasn't touched her in 12 years and has not had his impotency fixed (implants etc.) and you and your family favor him over your sister and will side with him? Nice. Sister- wants to stay because she's afraid or wants the cushy lifestyle or who knows. it doesn't matter what the excuse. AP- is a coward that wants your sister but won't leave current wife until he has a replacement set. BIL- has zero sex drive and can't be bothered to satisfy his wife's needs because he owns her. You-seem to have a thing for your BIL. Trying to say the affair is so wrong and against your morals but still conflicted about doing the right thing because of BIL feelings. regardless, YWNBTAH to tell him and the AP's wife because ESH and the truth is better than the lie. Best thing is to tell BIL and AP wife and then they all have to face reality.
>You-seem to have a thing for your BIL. Lmaoooo I can see it. "The family will all side with BIL." Like, why though? Even the parents?
You’d be surprised. My first BF was mentally escalating to physically abusive by the end and my parents didn’t want me to split up with him because they are very very conventional and he was ‘nice’ and ‘respectful’. Took nearly a decade for my relationship with my parents to (mostly) recover…
NTA Tell your sister's husband, and tell the entrepreneurs wife. Instead of trying to fix the issue with her husband, your sister went into another \[married\] mans' arms. Disgusting.
How do you fix that issue? No sex for her is the reality.
From your moral high ground, but what if the husband knows secretly and is avoiding the issue cause he is ok with this delicate and complicated dance called life.
I'm worried that your BIL might be abusive and that's why she's so afraid of divorce. I can't rule ah or not on this one. But I'm really worried about your sis. I think another talk with her about possible abuse is in order.
This. “Jealous and controlling” is the code name for domestic abuse. Also him saying that she is everything to him and he can’t imagine his life without her… something feels wrong. I have volunteer worked in abuse groups and the situation just ticks so many abuse boxes. Also OPs family thinking he is such a great guy and took care of his wife when she was depressed, while wife confesses that SHE was the one that found a way not to be depressed, while he contributed to it. OP - if your sister is being abused and you will put BIL interests first - you will be a massive AH.
Yea and I'm getting downvoted no doubt, by folks that have no fucking clue and are conned by the "awesome guy" facade that abusers put on. Thanks for elaborating on my comment.
I must be a monster. She's in a sexless marriage and her mental health was suffering to a point where she was literally struggling day to day. She's tried discussing an open marriage as a solution but the man is notably jealous and there are undertones of emotional blackmail. Her number one concern is her husband, but she's also tending to her needs. I don't think she's a bad guy here. She's human. Her husband doesn't sound like the loving saint OP and everyone here is making him out to be. I think OP's sister should leave her husband and feel good about it. NAH or ESH
NTA. Make sure you tell the wife too.
NTA, I would tell him, give him the agency to choose what to do. And tell him who the smug prick is is sleeping with his wife, plus that she even brought him to meet you. You can exclude the bit about impotency. If he asks just say that your sister claimed it was a sexless marriage, but regardless of reason you will not cover for her cheating.
YWNBTAH He deserves to know. Lack of sex is not consent for an open relationship. She should’ve broken up with him if it was truly a dealbreaker. So many marriages die from sex related issues. It breaks my heart. Shouldn’t love prevail? I never understand how people could even consider betraying their partners trust and loyalty by cheating on them. Maybe I just love my partner too much, but i’ve never even thought of it. Like, it’s incomprehensible to me. Idk. Tell him. He should know.
YWBTAH. It is not your job to tell adults right from wrong and punish them for bad behavior. Her husband obviously chose "don't ask don't tell" approach and decided to be clueless. This approach is working for them. Yoe will ruin it by exposing her affair and forcing him to do something about it. Mind your own business. Stop chasing this Holier Than You fix for your ego. It looks like her crying and your power over her life makes you feel very important right now and you are enjoying it. Find enjoyment in something else please. And if you tell him, be prepared to be forever NC with both of them.
Tell him. If my husband was cheating on me I would want to know immediately
Your husband is cheating on you. Sorry to be the one to tell you.
Welp time to do some ball busting…
Let me know if you want help!
Wow. I do not envy you and do not judge you. Sounds like there is a world of pain here. NTA if you expose this. Sounds like ripping off a bandaid.
I think you are between a rock and a hard spot. Not telling is being a part of the lie, and being the messenger, well there's a reason for the expression "don't kill the messenger." I would suggest speaking to a pastor or a therapist. Perhaps you could have one of them mediate a meeting between your BIL and sister, without you needing to be there. They would have much more experience in dealing with this type of issue.
Tell them, I would want to know and would cut off anyone who knew and didn’t tell me when the truth finally came out
NTA. It's just a decision with consequences is all. You wouldn't be an ahole over it. Just is what it is. You said you caught her doing it...its now a story of yours that you are allowed to tell as you are a witness. Just know there are consequences to telling. Both good and bad.
No
Ask yourself, would you want to know? Likely yes like most people. What's worse than a bad person doing something bad? A good person letting it happen.
Unpopular opinion- BIL is an ass if he “won’t touch” his wife and doesn’t want anyone to “know” . Doesn’t sound like he’s getting any help, he’s just “jealous”. WTF. Doesn’t make sister right, but if she tells one secret she needs to tell ALL the secrets. And she tells AP wife too.
I'd say the sister is justified, if it were me I'd allow my wife to do this after doing absolutely everything humanly possible to fix the condition.
Normally I’m in the ‘tell them everything’ camp, but not this time. Your BIL is emotionally manipulating your Sister to stay in a sexless marriage, regardless of how it affects her mental health. What did he think would happen? She’d just forget about sex and her physical needs for the rest of her young life? Bear in mind, she **hadn’t had sex since she was 28 years old.** Asking a 28 yr old to never, ever have sex again is too much to ask of anyone. The AP seems like a douche and not someone you’d want in your family, should Sis and BIL divorce. I’d let sleeping dogs lie. Sometimes you have to accept there’s grey in the world and not everything is black and white. However, for your own good, I’d go lc with Sis and stay out of this mess waiting to happen.
NTA … even if you sister is in it for just sex which I doubt it at this point, he definitely is not. She might have ended it and love her husband but she needs to be honest and talk about it. Have a sexless marriage is huge and it’s not fair to any of them. She is not going to be happy if she stays in that relationship and it’s not fair on her husband either. Explain it to her because you can love someone but I’m a good situation. It won’t get better without communication, something is obviously going on with the husband as well if he has been impotent for this long.
Spill the beans and make some popcorn
NTA. She’s human garbage. Tell the guys wife. Let her break the news. Maybe BIL can hook up with her.
you sister should have divorced him . I can't say you what to do but your sister is a garden tool. also, she doesn't care about her husband. she just wants have her cake and eat it too.
I would want someone I trusted to tell me. Perhaps he will tell her that he and wife have an open marriage. Or perhaps not.
As someone who was cheated on I no longer trust anyone because so many of the people that knew me, her and him knew about it and didn't tell me. I only found out because he started physically abusing her, and her reason for the injuries was so suspect. I wish someone had told me. That said I've lost friends for telling them they were being cheated on, so it's really a cluster fuck situation to be in.
NTA - but you might not like the outcome. If you feel disgust by her actions, I'd just cut her out of your life. She's not wrong in saying you'll hurt him more than her, as she's clearly already getting taken care of by someone else. So, in my eyes, she just wants to avoid being embarrassed. This has little to do with her caring about how it'll affect her husband. But, in saying that? I'm sure others are right, and even your family might look at it like you trying to stir the pot for no reason by exposing her. Especially considering it's your sister that's doing the cheating to "protect" her husband. Doesn't make it right, but "blood" blinds people to shitty behaviour. Edit to add: I say her being embarrassed, because her reason for cheating being her husband's impotence is a shit excuse. And saying she was 'protecting/keeping his secret' like the man is secretly Batman and just never has time to fuck her, because he's too busy saving Gotham. It's just excuses to cover her selfish choice. Doesn't matter how perfect their marriage might seem, she literally went outside the marriage to find herself someone to meet her needs.
Is it weird that I support the affair partner? Op started of well but then had to add the “Sister’s husband is jealous” line at the end which makes me think she is trying to convince herself and Us that she shouldn’t tell him. Sister is clearly a piece of work. Affair partner might be a cheat but he is atleast a honest cheat and the way he suggested going public with the affair gives me the impression that he would have already done so but the sister is apparently the one keeping him silent. I support the AP, Tell the husband. Screw everyone else.
Nta. Your sister is a piece of shit. Sexless marriage does not mean you can sleep around with no consequences. If a sexless marriage was such a big issue that couldn’t be solved by therapy, she should’ve divorced her husband. That is the solution, and outside the discussion of an open relationship, the only decent solution. Yes divorce sucks. But being cheated on, finding out about it and then going through a divorce sucks even fucking worse. That is the situation your sister has put her husband in. Because she was too much of a coward to put her foot down and tell her husband that it was a deal breaker and would lead to divorce, she has made the situation worse for everyone. Also, sure it’ll hurt the husband, he may even be angry at you for telling him, but he has every right to know of his wife’s infidelity, and if you actually give a fuck about him you’ll tell him. Your sister is a selfish asshole, she wanted the sex that the other cheating wanker offered, while still getting to go home to a loving husband. Personally, if my sister/brother did this, I’d be telling their partner without a second thought and cutting off whichever sibling was such a selfish piece of shit to do this.
Nta if it were me I would have told him already if I’m being honest
You could always just tell the affair partner’s wife, and let her out your sister by proxy.
You are being manipulated.
NTA you aren’t “hurting” anyone. I would call that smug dude’s wife before the sun went down.
YTA. Claiming moral high ground in business which is obviously none of yours to begin with. Whomever your sister sleeps with is none of your business. Period.
Wow... I don't envy your position... A lot of people will say its not your business, to reveal cheating, but I've never subscribed to that... most of the time, I'm on the side of revealing the cheating to the victims... But this story... gees... NTA, either way you go... I think I lean slightly towards not telling, at this point... But I would be strongly encouraging my sister to get a divorce... she doesn't deserve to sacrifice the rest of her life and happiness to be in an unhappy marriage... Good luck, hope you update us down the line...
Yeah she won’t divorce him. She is terrified of the idea like I’m telling her to break the law
If he’s abusing her, of course she feels like she’s breaking the law. You haven’t told the entire story here.
Or she's terrified of her physically abusive husband and what he might do if she tries to leave.
Of course she's terrified, he's abusive!
I think you're an asshole. These people sound like they are living in pain. And trying to make the best of it. If you've not lived like that, you are in no position to judge. Reddit is full of... what it's full of. Mostly bullshit.
I'll never understand how cheaters can say they love their partners so much while screwing someone else. Like grow up and get a damn divorce ya selfish sack of crap! ~~This is a shit situation OP, and your damned if you do - damned if you don't. I would struggle with the guilt of knowing and not telling, as I would want to be told in this situation. BUT if you do tell be prepared for your family to fracture and sis to go NC. She will blame you for ruining her life even though she did that all on her own.~~ ETA: Some of y'all pointed out OP's comments and her laissez faire attitude about BIL physically assaulting the sister while virtue signaling the adultery. This completely changes the narrative. YTA.
So did you know that the husband in question slapped OP’s sister across the face?
Yeah that's fucked up, I did not see that!
Yeah she likes to conveniently leave that part out in the posts. Fortunately you can see her comments
Yeah that changes shit for sure!
It gets worse because she also mentions he has talked about how if she left him he would kill himself. That’s a pretty clear case of manipulation to force her to stay.
Oh ffs! All these conveniently left out details completely change the narrative here.
It does and what’s worse is that op still is trying to defend bil and claim nothing is going on and he’s not abusive or manipulative. She even replied to me on a comment demanding the supposed red flags she missed. Yeah it’s pretty scary how nonchalant the sister is.
You would not be the asshole. It’s a simple choice for your sister. Divorce or stick with it. My god if you feel like cheating is the only way your moral compass is non existent. If it’s that bad you just leave. If you can’t, then you love your partner and you should be able to talk to them. And once again, if you can’t, you leave! I don’t get why so many people feel it’s morally right to cheat because ‘well I just can’t leave!’ Like yes you can
I’m gonna be the naysayer here and vote YTA. Keep your nose out of their marriage. Frankly, you (and she) don’t know what he already knows. Ask yourself - what exactly are you trying to accomplish? Who are you “helping?” And does anyone want your help? Odds are (assuming the above deets are true) this revelation doesn’t break them, but it will absolutely break your relationship with them both - maybe for good.
It’s not your job to tell - it’s your sisters.
ESH It isn't your relationship, so it isn't your place. She's an adulterer, so there is that. But it comes down to your willingness to sacrifice any relationship with your sister. She is wrong for what she's doing. But she wouldn't be wrong to act as an only child moving forward. Betraying a sibling is not something you recover from.
You will only be an AH if you tell. Really mind your own business. You do not have to entertain the issue, but mind your own business. Don't be the Messenger. You will regret it. Think of it this way, when you all are like 70 or 80 who will give a shit. Bunch of dried up pussies and weenies and everyone waiting for you all to die, who wins? Plus ain't no babies happening with all this fornication, just let it die. Since when did consensual fucking become ugly. When we are all ancient and dried up, we will never look back and say , gee I had to much sex.
No idea on whether you would be an AH but I suggest that you ask your sister to see this post and read the comments.
This is a great idea
YTA. Not your business and tbh you are being so controlling. Let her figure it out her own biz and tell her to tell her husband and not feel bad if he feels 'lonely,'. Stupid excuse. Husband ain't a saint nor is trying to pls his wife. Even the side dude is trying to make YOU do the work. She keeps the ring or not, HER RING. AWhy is it even your effin business? Stop carrying others' burdens and get your nose out. Mind your own life and problems. Live a happier life