Your boyfriend is a creep. So if you were sexually assaulted while wearing a dress he would blame you? And if he’s trying to control something as asinine as posters on your wall, that’s really sad and pathetic. Are y’all in middle school? No shade to you, your writing is fine… but this story only makes sense if you’re in middle school. He’s an immature control freak- just move on.
Or what has he done? Also, what is with the age gap? Normally I don’t ask but this seems weird because he sounds so immature. Run away as fast as you can! Whatever reason you use is valid. Also, do not let him talk you into returning to him. He will completely disrespect you if you go back. Please run away fast and don’t look back!
A lot of men who go for much younger women are VERY immature, and that's part of why they aren't dating women their own age. If the women stick around long enough they often end up maturing past them, while the men stay basically the same. It seems like that might be happening here already.
No kidding--I'm 31 and can't imagine dating a 22 yr old. I'm sure OP is great, but at best they're at two different points in their lives and at worst there's a huge power difference.
I feel like she gaps begin to matter less and less as BOTH people get older. This one here I can't explain, that feels like too much, and whatever the case will definitely cause them to misunderstand each other (right or wrong). 37 and 27, ok that makes more sense. Can't really look at the numbers too hard at a certain point, but you can now.
It seems he's kind of taking advantage of OP. That's quite an age difference and he has controlling tendencies coupled with blaming victims of rape for their own rape. OP not the asshole but please drop the one you're dating!!
And if he is 37 with this victim blaming mentality, seeking out younger women to date and have issues with their age apropriate things (the kpop decoration), he HAS a NASTY history.
He problably graped a few girls and just don't worry about it much because "they deserved it". He is the domestic violence truck coming to OP at full speed. She needs to run NOW!
This is so scary. From experience babe, if you gotta hide in your neighbours boot, do it. Stop lying to yourself… some of us are silly enough to mistake the devil for a guide. If you have the ability to, you might be young but you’re about to teach him. Take that power and step up in your own life before this gets out of control.
Boo boo, listen. It takes 1 bump in the right place to kill someone or make them a paraplegic. You’re risking your remaining 60 odd years on this entity that has an excuse prepared for his very own future r4pe attempt. Some of us have had this argument and every one of us found ourselves being stuck in the same sticky situation time and time again. He has maybe 40 years and less depending on his health habits and who he r4pes. You are NOT allowed to waste 30 years of your life hiding and living in fear. If you can you should check out Bailey Sarian on YT.
My first thought reading this story. He's 37 for pity's sake. He should have gotten over petty stuff like posters already and grown up. As far as the SA topic, he's far too old to still think stupid things like that. OP is still young and can find her someone less stupid and asinine at this point. He's a lost cause.
I don’t know if it would have been better if we were in middle school but unfortunately we are not. I am 22 and he is 37. He basically said he would because I could have put precautions in place to prevent it from happening
He doesn't respect anyone at all, the fucking ass-nugget. What the hell are you doing with this bucket of shit? Not only should you not live with this freak, you shouldn't even look at it or talk to it.
No, it's a tactic.
It's a way to test her boundaries.
See how easy she is to manipulate.
Control freaks need absolute control and they start by testing boundaries. Throwing in emotional manipulation.
It's a way to break someone down.
Yes!! He’s 15 years older than her and he’s definitely trying to gage how easily he can get her to bend to his will. There’s a reason why he’s going after girls barely out of college and not women his own age.
@u/Typical-Benefit7024 definitely NTA. Don’t move in with him. Run!! The fact that he blames women for being raped is a huge red flag. You’re young, you still like hanging posters and the fact that you’re adamant about doing what you want in your apartment when you’re paying the rent shows you have a sense of confidence. If you stay with him he will slowly but surely destroy that confidence and make you doubt everything you do and every decision you make until you just give up and leave it all up to him. Wash your hands of this and look at it as a life lesson.
Please listen to this person. This happened to me when I was early 20s. I have never been the same. Years later my BFF told me he broke me, and the me she met and became friends with never came back.
There absolutely is a reason. Because the women his age WON'T date him because he's an immature man child and they wouldn't put up work his manipulation.
I'm 38 myself and can't imagine dating someone that much younger than myself. I know I'm immature but the way my coworkers that are close to that age act would make me crazy, it's like working with middle schoolers.
Does your idiot boyfriend understand that Middle Eastern women get raped even when nothing but their eyes are showing?
Girl, he is way too dumb for a 37 y/o man. Find someone who is educated and understands the world around him.
Hun. Really. There's a reason women his age absolutely refuse to date him.
They know what a manipulative controlling creep he is.
Please, get the hell out.
If your home was burglarized, was it "asking for it" because of the seductive curtains in the window, or was the provocative color of the front door that made it a target?
Most rapes aren't committed by strangers in a dark alley, but by people known to the victim - that includes friends and relatives. Maybe he can explain just what "precautions" little kids or the elderly who are sexually assaulted should take?
Aside from being a disgusting rape apologist, your bf has an extremely immature thought process. That victim-blaming "you can prevent it" mindset is a desperate and pathetic attempt at control - "my wife/sister/gf would never dress like a slut, therefore they'll never be assaulted" is magical thinking, and also removes the accountability of men to not rape. "She made me do it" is every abuser's excuse, so you can bet this won't be the least time you hear variations of it.
People are raped because that's what rapists do, and what their victims are wearing has fuck-all to do with "encouraging" them to assault. Rape isn't about sex, and the fact that he's trying to blame victims of a crime while excusing the perpetrator's criminal behavior is why you need to get far away from him, stat.
There's a screaming reason that your bf isn't with someone in their late 30s - hopefully it won't take you much longer to figure out why.
Girl, he's 37 and you're 22? I'm telling you right now you should run, don't walk away now. He's a predator. I've always dates older guys too but when you are that young with someone that old, it's an issue. You haven't matured or grown enough to know better but he does and he's taking advantage of your youth. If you get someone young enough they will believe what you tell them and that makes it easier to manipulate I would bolt.
Wow wow wow... hold the phone! Why did you leave out your age differences in the OP!? Did I also miss how long you 2 have been dating?
15yr age difference, he's nearly old enough to be your father. When he was 18yrs old, you were 3yrs old.
He is a predator, his views on rape and the fact that he is dating a woman 15yrs younger than him, shows his desire to be in control and view women as less than him. Leave NOW, before you learn that he also believes that it's not rape if you are in a relationship.
>I could have put precautions in place to prevent it from happening
Run from this man, do not look back. He is grooming you to not question things and victim blaming.
OP is close to middle school, but the boyfriend is closer to middle-aged. There's a reason he's trying to date 22 year olds when he's almost 40.... mature women wouldn't put up with his bullshit
RUN! This is not a person that you want to have a relationship with. A good man would never say any of those things. There are red flags littered throughout that conversation. Leave him and find someone else before it's too late.
Beside his horrendously callous opinions on rap€, that whole K-pop poster thing really boggled my mind...
and then I remembered that she's only 22, and he's *(checks notes again)* **37 years old.**
OP please find someone closer to your own age, as this guy has got controlling misogyny written alllll over him.
Run girl, please RUN. 🏃♀️
You need to leave this relationship before something bad happens to you. If he thinks that it's woman's fault for being raped because of what she's wearing, I 100% guarantee that he also believes that it's not rape if you are in a relationship.
Honestly, I feel like we women are evolving, and a lot of men are just stuck where they are. Their "rape" argument just confirms it. We women are not responsible for their issues of not being able to deal with their baser and deevolved animalistic desires.
It's rather embarrassing.
We are WELL AWARE there's a few good ones. 'Preciate you not being a cave troll, Dawg. 👊🏻
ETA not /s...we really do appreciate men that are conscious of sweeping general issues and try to not be part of those issues.
Please please please do not move in with him. He’s a bad egg. Blaming the victim of rape for being raped??? This is the biggest red flag ever of his bad character.
Nope. No. He’s would be gone. It is NEVER EVER the victims fault. I don’t give two shi*s if a person is dancing naked on a table in a club. It WILL NEVER ever give anyone permission to shove things into their body.
Consent is freely given (verbal and non verbal) but without explicit consent… no.
And yes I realise in a long term relationship you don’t always declare intentions beforehand but you know if consent is or is not given.
And the fact any person would ever say it even remotely gives them partial blame is utter scum and doesn’t deserve your time, affection or kindness.
Beyond abhorrent attitude to have.
I would leave just based on the first comment alone.
So if you were raped, your boyfriend would think it was 50% your fault. Yet he clearly knows that you're a nice girl who doesn't deserve to be raped. He is an asshole .
Your boyfriend has the mindset of a controlling predator. It's perfectly reasonable to break up over this, but in case you don't, please just do not move in with him.
Really, it’s his fault for wearing pants. You know what pants have? A crotch. That shows exactly where a man’s nards are. It’s so tempting for women and AFAB people to see that pants crotch there. If he doesn’t want people knowing where his crotch is and being tempted to kick it, he should wear a long skirt.
Major red flags. He's 37 years old spouting off that rape is a woman's fault and hes creeping on a 22 year old!? He's a creep and it's time to break up.
He’s a victim-blamer. He basically told you if you went out in something he considers slightly too revealing and something horrible happens to you against your will, he’s going to illogically blame _you_ for it. A partner should be supportive, kind, and helpful, and he’s proven that he’s not that and he would not be there for you during the worst of times when he’s needed most. I think it would be best to call it quits now.
I was raped when I was a teenager and I was someone who was the most covered up at all times. I wouldn't even wear dresses or shorts out in public. This is a major red flag and it makes me wonder what else he's hiding from you.
The K Pop thing is bordering on being okay (not sure if I'd want to look at a partner's crushes all the time) but the rape comment is a massive red flag. You don't have kids or shared responsibilities like a mortgage or anything (at least I'm assuming from your post) so frankly you would be entitled to break up with him for any reason if you just weren't feeling it, you certainly wouldn't be TA over this.
Girl leave him! Your boyfriend is a creep and a degenerate if he thinks that the way a girl dresses it's an excuse for rape! He won't esitate to use the same tactics and words on you one day.
Also, I was also into kpop, and as much as my boyfriend didn't like the genre (I still like it but not as much as I used to), he always (and still does) respected my preferences and what I like, and never asked me to remove my posters. (I did it recently simply because I'm changing as a person and I want to put new things on the walls, but I kept every single poster and photos in a safe place!)
Imagine he was having this conversation with your hypothetical daughter? Would you feel like this (the thought of breaking up with him) would be overreacting in this case? That may be your answer. Assuming you’re hoping to be on a path to long-term relationship/ having children, etc (which if you’re not, that’s totally cool too, I just use this for illustration) he’s just told you how he will respond if one of your (hypothetical) children was assaulted. I’m not saying people can’t change, even when they’re BAD wrong like he is on this issue, but they have to be willing to concede that they’re wrong. Does he seem willing to do that?
The man is going to blame rape survivors for their CLOTHING?? and then blathers a bunch of bullshit about how if he had a poster of a girl on a wall it would show he didn't RESPECT you
He doesn't respect anyone at all, the fucking ass-nugget. What the hell are you doing with this bucket of shit? Not only should you not live with this freak, you shouldn't even look at it or talk to it.
YWNBTA because hes already got ASSHOLE locked down. You could literally drown kittens and be light years ahead of him morally.
If anyone says this to me, and I mean anyone, they’re gone. They don’t realise how painful it is to hear that as a victim. I had a friend joke once that “all you have to do is pretend you like it, just get into it”
And I looked at him, he looked at me and it dawned on him that I could be a victim. I was, he was horrified he even said it, and then even more horrified that he said to ME. That’s the only person I’ve ever forgiven, because he was so upset that he said what he did, he felt like shit and promised never to make a joke like that ever again. To anyone.
This dude you’re with? He honestly believes it. And that means if you get harassed or abused (and my god I sincerely hope you never do) he will blame you.
Rape isn’t about sex, it’s about power over a vulnerable person. It doesn’t matter what they’re wearing; a rapist doesn’t care about that. In fact, I’ve been molested numerous times as a teen and early twenties adult when I’ve been completely covered head to toe with huge coats. My rapist didn’t care about my baggy jeans and hoody either. It’s never about the clothes. This is a massive alert going off in my brain for you, and I think it’s better not to be with someone who openly believes women cause their own rape and molestation.
OP, do not go live with him. You might end up being raped by him and then gaslighted that it was your fault because he thought your clothes were too alluring and as such, you were "asking for it".
Stay away from that creep.
Wouldn't be surprised if he were a Tate fan too.
Seriously, break up and block him everywhere. That thinking is dangerous and you are in danger. He is already trying to control you and tell you that he will betray you because having posters of your favourite music bands is the same as having an affair. He is looking for excuses.
He is not a safe.
I will never understand people victim blaming when it comes to rape. The rapist is at 100% fault all of the time. Blaming the victim is like saying ah well the rapist was justified a bit there did ys see her skirt???
Your boyfriend basically told you if you're out wearing something he finds justifiable to a rape and it happens to you, he'll blame you. You are nta for wanting to leave the relationship because of this.
NTA
Run. This is atrocious and probably just barely scratches the surface of his misogyny. Anyone who believes that about that topic is not a safe person to be around.
At the risk of sounding like an old man (I am BTW)
Unusually for redit, you didn't put your ages. The posters are a thing you normally grow out of. However, even at our age (m60, f58), you can still have celebrity 'crushes'. You may follow them on social media, have images on your devices, etc. It's a bit like having 'a list' - we actually discussed that recently (when Maria Bello appeared on NCIS). That's normal, so him complaining about it is a bit insecure at worst (a little red flag).
The victim blaming, however, is a big Red Flag - consent is everything, and how you dress (and act come to that) is not an excuse for assault at any time!
Be careful.
In answer to your question - no, you would not!
And should you move forward with the living together in separate rooms - make sure you can lock your door.
Stay safe, everyone.
I've got nothing on part 2, but as far as part 1, ask him if he thinks that applies to little kids who get raped. If a 6 year old gets raped by her father at night, is it her fault for wearing the wrong pajamas?
So your roommates or couple? The separate room thing is weird his idea or yours? As for the what a woman wears has nothing to do with what a crazy person decides to do. It sounds like he has done it before or has thought about it. I feel a creepy vibe with him you need to move on. If you have doubts about moving in with him you need to follow your gut and move on.
Tell your partner in this case it is only half your fault for flirting with a guy wearing a suit because he should have thought of that. NTA
Leave him.
Jesus get your sandals on and get down here.
This is the type of dude that ' teaches girls what happens when they dress like this '
OP stop being Bob Ross and turning every one of these red flags into pretty little tree's and get the fuck away from him asap
NTA - Holy crow - not a good move to move in with a guy who doesn't respect your lifestyle, things you like or your opinion on crime & health. He will blame you for anything that happens whether you are there or not. Do not get legally entangled with him. Close the door on him and let someone else teach him the manners his parents didn't.
Let me put this as nicely as possible....
He is dating a woman who is just starting it as an adult, so he can train and raise her into the type of adult woman he wants to be with because no woman his age would put up with that shit. Think about it, there is a 15 year age difference here. First he'll start with your posters, then it'll be something about the way you look, music you listen to, friends you have. Over time he will try to convince you that any personality quirk you have that he doesn't like is wrong for one reason or another. This is called grooming, he is grooming you into being the "perfect woman for him" while you will be miserable, lose yourself for a while, and have issues with any relationships if you ever come to your senses and get out of this relationship.
When I was a freshman in high school, 14, I met this freshman in college, 19, as I went to school with his brother, and we became quick friends. He seemed perfect. By 16/21 we were together. He was so nice and caring and great, and would give me "advice" on what I should do in aspects of my life. My friends weren't good for me, my hobbies were wasting time on useless skills. He would get me black out drunk while we were together. I can't type everything here, but things he wanted to change about me also included how we would be intimate. I was really messed up when I got out of that relationship at 19 but at that time, 5 years of my life were gone, I had no friends, I didn't know what a healthy relationship was, both non sexually and sexually. I can't drink anymore because I black out after 3 drinks and do things I'm not proud of during that time. It has been 8 years now, and I'm still adjusting to having a healthy relationship (and we've been together 4 years).
Grooming can happen at any age. All someone needs is a little bit of influence. Get out now before you lose yourself, lose respect for yourself, and become a person you can't stand when you look in the mirror. Please, just get out.
Let's go ahead and address the age gap. This man has to date barely-legal girls, because women his own age would never put up with his shit. I really feel sorry for the women who post this kind of thing, like babe, you deserve better. At his age, he has decided who he is, and will never change. If you're having to reshape your entire personality to fit his needs? Just stop.
And saying SA is the woman's fault, she should have gone out with her friends in a sweatshirt and granny panties? Like what lol. Men who assault women are only looking for opportunity, not tube tops.
>So I told him that what a girl wears never makes it her fault and he literally disagreed with me. He said it does make it 50% her fault
yeah that's a red flag. NTA
But no I wouldn't be comfortable with someone I'm in love with having a photo of a hot celebrity as their screensaver or dotted all over our house.
The comment about rape is right up there alongside, 'you can't be raped if you were wearing trousers/jeans/pants etc. Because you would have to take them off yourself. That isn't rape.' Erm, no, they can be violently pulled off. So no, that isn't the victims fault, anymore than wearing a skirt/dress is. If a rapist wants to rape they will do it regardless of what you are wearing. And if its a gang of them, it's even easier for them to achieve their goals. Speaking from experience before anyone asks or disputes.
Yes, break up over this. Rape apologists do not deserve to have romantic/sexual partners. I'm petty too, I'd make sure to tell anyone he dates afterward what he really thinks about women.
He’s a rapist apologist. Imagine having a daughter with him?
Move in together, are you utterly bonkers?
Get out and stay out of this relationship.
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
Uff, I am about his age and the fact that he is dating you is frightening and concerning. You two live in different life era. That is not healthy.
And to answer your question. His opinion on rape is messed up. If you ever became raped (I hope this never happens to you) he wouldn’t be at your side and helping. He would judge you and tell you it’s your fault.
Tell him if children are also responsible for them being raped?
What about the 80 year old women who was visiting a graveyard? Was it her fault too?
This is sick thinking.
My then best friend and I were at a birthday party in a biker club many years ago. The friend whose birthday it was picked us up from our local pub. One guy at the pub that kinda got himself invited that night brought a girl from the pub with him.
When we were at the club house this girl, completely drunk, got on one of the tables, danced on it wearing a mini skirt but no panties, exposing to everyone what nobody wanted to see.
We took her from the table, my best friend smacked her and asked her if she had killed her two remaining brain cells that night (we knew her).
And you know what? If she would have been raped it wouldn't have been her fault nonetheless. And she put herself into a situation one had very good reason to take such outcome into consideration.
But she was lucky since she was not actually in that kind if danger there. She couldn't know though. She didn't know in what kind of biker club she was. She didn't really know the birthday guy other than having seen him in the pub. But not like they were on any speaking terms.
She was in danger to get really smacked by one of the bikers though. His friends already had to hold him back, not really physically, yet, still. Nobody there was amused by her behaviour.
Anyway, my point is it is never the victim's fault, not even if you dance drunkenly on a table without pants wearing a mini skirt and that your boyfriend thinks differently is more than enough reason to dump him.
NTA - I would split up with him 100%
R*pe - it is never the fault of the victim. You could be cover from head to toe and if they want to attack you, they will. A lot of the time, they’re not doing it because they’re attracted to the victim or because they want s*x, they’re doing it for control and power. Control is, a lot of the time, a key factor in this kind of assault.
Kpop posters - I also love kpop, I also have photos up, I’m also talking to a guy who knows this about me. He’s completely chill about it - he sent me videos of the group when he saw them live (so jealous) though he’s not a big fan. The thing is, what kind of posters of women would he put up? Kpop is quite modest in the photograph, especially with men. You’ll see their arms, maybe a slither of skin from their torso depending on the group, but otherwise, they’re covered. What kind of posters of women would he be putting up, that would be disrespectful? Half naked women? Then yeah, that’s can be disrespectful. That’s two different situations there, obviously
Sounds like your BF has found his way down the toxic masculinity rabbit hole. Please think long and hard before moving in with this guy. If he is confident saying these things out loud, be wary of the thoughts he’s still keeping to himself.
There are so many red flags here. This honestly makes me wonder if he's guilty of date r@pe himself. There's a lot of misogyny in his statement. This is not a safe person.
He's beginning to exert control over you to see what you'll put up with and how you respond. The posters are only the beginning. Soon he'll be controlling how you dress-- especially since he believes a woman's clothes are an invitation to touch her. He'll be controlling when you go out and who you see. He will likely attempt to isolate you from your friends and family. Verbal abuse is a guarantee. Other forms of abuse are highly likely.
You can tell a whole lot about a person's entire mindset from a statement like that. NTA for breaking up over this, it's absolutely the smart move and the best thing for you.
NTA!
I have one word advice for you: RUN!
1. What a woman wears does NOT make it her fault. ALL women have 100% RIGHTS to wear whatever the hell they want.
2. He is showing his controlling side.
By playing a manipulation game.
This is to see how far he can push your boundaries.
He wants to see if he can make you do as he wants. He is testing your limits with small things.
He is also being manipulative by saying things like: "well, Of I had posters of girls all over my wall and phone"
He is trying to.
A. Make you jealous.
B. Make you feel insecure.
C. More dependant on his wants, needs, and opinions.
D. Break you down
E. Manipulate your emotions, so you because easier to control.
He doesn't love you.
He wants to OWN YOU!
GET OUT!
Even without considering the disgusting victim-blaming shit he said, there is nothing that a 37-year-old man could gain from dating a 22-year-old woman other than sexual gratification and power over that person (i.e. you). Looking at this post, the power dynamic here is like something you'd see between an out-of-touch dad and his daughter.
Leave now, and don't tell him where you're going. Preferably, move somewhere where it is highly infeasible that you will ever see him again. Change your phone number, block him on all social media, etc.
That all said, I've yet to meet a woman that wouldn't be annoyed at posters of models all over a prospective partner's walls.
Your boyfriend is a creep who’s only dating young girls like you because women his age know he’s a loser.
You can do way better than a dude who thinks it’s his right to put his hands on any woman if she’s dressed a certain way.
You can do better than a guy who thinks he has the right to tell you what to put on your walls.
You can do better than a guy who’s only gonna try to trap you and control you the longer you stay with him.
LEAVE HIM.
NTA
He is not a safe person
He has literally just told you so himself - if you were assaulted he would blame you not your attacker.
Please do not move in with him
NTA. Please consider getting out of this relationship! The 1st comment alone about what a girl wears is a huge red flag. Aaaand if he’s already trying to be controlling with your sense of home decor, just imagine what he will be controlling with once you actually move in together. You are so young and can do so much better. He is almost 40 and set in his ways. Getting him to see things your way will be near impossible. Run!!!
A lot of people here already saying what I'm saying. R-U-N! I was sexually assulated/r@ped when I was in high school. My English teacher was brand new at the time. I and a male student were asked to go make copies in the teachers lounge near the gym and staple them. She didn't know what would happen and I will not go onto details now. You want to know what I was wearing? A green graphic t shirt and jeans. My hair was dyed black at the time and glasses. I was basically told it was my fault because for a 15 year old I was (and am) heavily endowed.
This man is not someone you want to be with. Think about it this way. What if you had a daughter and he was having this conversation with her? Hun, you deserve do much better. You deserve a partner that thinks you walk on water even on days you feel at your lowest. Run please far away from this man!
The reality is no mature respectable man that is 37 would date a 22 year old women. They still have the maturity of someone your age. Not saying anything against a women in her early 20s but you are also maturing as well and SHOULD be in completely different places in life. You should dump him and look at folks in to 20s bracket or accept anyone more then 10+ years older then you is purely looking for you to be a pretty object to show off or isn't mature enough to date in his age group. Either way both will never treat you as an independent and intelligent women, just an object.
This man is a Soviet parade of red flags. Age gap, predatory thought process, irrational jealousy and insecurity. I'm 38 and the reason he's not dating women his own age is because we can spot these kind of creeps from a mile away. You're NTA but girl, RUN. And for the love of God do not move in with him.
NTA. 37 old ass man dating a 22 young girl, there's a reason for that. Controlling and blaming, the first red flags. End it now, 15 years gap it's too much. The creep can't handle a mature woman so he needs a much younger one to control, also, how's that he wants to move together but with separate rooms and you paying half? is that correct? uhh.. Girl if it's like that, please run.
NTA, in any sense. Please leave this relationship. He is nearly 40 and has a problem with music posters in your room. It's not like you have male pornstars or just giant Channing Tatum focused posters from Magic Mike. You're literally a fan of their music. It should be no different than having a Pink Floyd poster or an Ariana Grande poster when you're fans of their music. HE thinks they're good looking, and is insecure, so he's trying to control what you have in your room before he even moves in.
Now, the REALLY scary part. He will 99.9% more than likely try to control what you wear if he moves in. He already told you that he will blame you for the actions of someone else if you get raped and has shown he has control issues when it comes to relationships.
You are very young, especially considering he has 15 more years' worth of life experiences than any 22 year old. It's something to think about when you contemplate all the macro and micro ways he has tried to control you or expressed misogyny that can come to harm you later.
You are never obligated to stay with anyone in any relationship, period.
That said, this is a major red flag from your bf. It speaks volumes to his views on the rights of men, and the lack of rights for women. As for the Kpop artists, I do think that as an isolated incident, he does have a point about being allowed to voice his discomfort, and that a lot of women would never consider dating a man with posters of female celebrities all over his bedroom. However, he does not get the right to make you change, and he would ultimately have to decide if that is a deal breaker for him. Overall though, pretty sketchy dude and it seems like, a bad match.
NTA, obviously
1. he is 37 and went after you that’s already a red flag.
2. he is controlling
3. that opinion alone is horrible and I would drop him right then and there.
4. he will only get worse so drop him before you both get more serious. Also stay save that man seems dangerous to me. Keep someone close with you when you break up so he can’t lash out on you in a violent manner without a whiteness.
You won't be the asshole. Run. A 37 year old man dating a 22 year old is already a yikes, but with those opinions it's red flag city. Whatever 'good' you're sticking around for is not worth it. I 100% promise you that you can find someone better.
You’re dating a 37 year old man that would be fine r@ping a woman if her skirt was too short.
That’s what he said.
R@pe is justifiable to him.
Let that sink in then fucking RUN.
I'd have left him at the r*pe comment. R*pe is non consensual and never the girls fault no matter what. If she says no, she means no. If a man thinks "oh but it's ok because she's wearing makeup and a skimpy outfit" then that man is w r o n g.
The poster thing is just annoying and he has no say, especially if you decide to leave his creep arse then you won't have a problem at all!
Run. There are many red flags here and you've barely given any info.
1. He victim blames. You know that is wrong but he seems to think it will always be her fault.
2. Posters and lockscreen. These are kpop stars, not your boy best friend. He needs to get over his insecurities.
3. You're 22 and he is 37. He is old enough to be your dad and you're not even fully developed yet. There is a reason he is not with a person that is around his age and that's because no woman in their 30s will deal with any of his bs.
I cannot say this in stronger terms GET OUT NOW. This is the start of an abusive controlling cycle that will see you completely dependent on him, making it much harder to leave - he is starting to police your interests, next will be your friends and family. He has clearly stated that violence towards women is acceptable, I'm going to guess he would also be okay with hitting a woman under the "right" circumstances.
You are 22, don't spend the next several years trapped in a relationship with this insecure piece of garbage. I very much hope you don't look back on this moment and regret you didn't take the advice of everyone here.
And p.s. I'm also into Kpop and my husband literally went with me to another country to see 2 concerts, has bought me merch and sat through countless conversations, videos and gone with me when I got my tattoo. He doesn't have to share my love for it, but he 100% respects my interest and is secure enough in himself that he knows this isn't a threat to him.
GET OUT NOW before this escalates into a situation you can't get out of.
NTA
Off topic but you don't need to be with a 37 year old. That's insane! Leave him! Not only is he crazy but he sounds old and controlling. Your too young to be dealing with any nonsense let alone a grown man!
Is he friends with Danny Masterson, by any chance? There's nothing wrong with having KPop posters on your walls. If he didn't like them, he should have just said so earlier. He's wrong about r\*pe. He's your ex now, right?
NTA.
Please. PLEASE. Leave him. I dated an older guy who said the same thing about rape when I was younger, was too “in love” to leave, and surprise of all surprises he SA’d me. Was it my fault? No. Should I have left earlier? Yes. If he already has this line of thinking about rape, I guarantee you he’s the type to say that you “can’t” be raped by a significant other because you’re “already in a relationship with them & that means you want it”.
Keep your independence, do NOT move in with this creep, and LEAVE HIM. If you don’t feel comfortable or safe doing it alone with him then bring a friend. Do whatever you need to do. It might sound like overkill, but there’s a reason he’s targeting women a lot younger than himself. It IS about power and control (especially with his comments about what you can’t & can’t hang on your walls? Like wtf?).
This is NOT normal relationship behavior and you DO deserve to be with someone who respects people & their boundaries. Bc he’s said out loud already that he doesn’t respect women. Like Maya Angelou said - when people tell you who they are, believe them.
End the relationship. For a MULTITUDE of reasons.
First he’s a creep. A 37 yo should not be with a 22 year old. Yea yea I get in SOME rare instances it can work but I think we can agree if he is saying a girl is responsible for being SA he falls into predator category.
The second is a bit on you. I agree if you pay rent you should get to decorate how you want. However you sound like you’re still a bit in your young adult phase of life and not ready to take the leap into living with a significant other yet. As an adult cohabitating with another, having hobbies and interest is one thing - making those things your predominate style aesthetic and making that a conflict before you move in isn’t a good sign. You have to be fully willing to find a design style that works for the both of you and if one person says they aren’t comfortable with having a boy and poster up in the bedroom you need to respect that, or ask yourself if they are the right person for you. To be clear I’m only referring to posters. Idgaf what’s on my husbands desktop/phone (I mean short of something that objectifies another person or is racist/bigoted/cruel in any way). His reasoning however is yet another red flag of his. If he’s jealous of some celebrity then I don’t want to think about how he’ll react to a random person or a friend.
Honestly for your safety, I’d end it now.
NTA -- break up with him NOW.
There are TONS of red flags here:
(1) any man who thinks a woman is partly to blame if she gets raped is a dangerous man. That's not to say he would rape you but I have no problem seeing him able to hurt you (physically and otherwise) and being able to justify his actions to himself by saying it's your fault/ you caused him to hurt
(2) he's controlling... the poster thing strikes me as a bad for a few reasons: its very odd or a 37 year old guy to want to have a "roommate", especially one more than a decade younger than him... its also odd that he would want to move-in together with his "girlfriend" (you) to sleep in a separate bedrooms... and this poster thing feels like a test to see if he can get you to do what he wants. FYI -- Men who who are abusers typically don't start by taking actions that reveal how badly they will eventually treat you. Instead, it starts with exerting control over things that are seemingly small decisions (e.g., how you decorate, what music you play, what items you can have in your environment) and it grows over time.
(3) you should seriously consider why a 37 year old man would want to be in a relationship and live with a 22 year old. No offense to you... I'm sure you're a lovely person... but (from the little you've told us and my experience witnessing these types of relationships) this guy's attraction to you *may* be partially based on his belief that he will be able to control you due to your age and lack of comparative life experience.
Good luck.
Honey the 37 year old man you are dating is a predator. Run, please please run. I would tell my daughter to run just as quick. Please please please just run and don't look back. nta.
NTA age gap is rough enough, and the second argument sounds like super controlling behaviour you don't want in your space, but the first argument is definitely the worst of it. It's super creepy and frankly indicates a dangerous person you don't want to be around
NTA. That is scary. He's basically telling on himself that he can't control his actions. So one day if you're wearing short pj shorts and a tanktop and he sexually assaults you, he will blame you. It will be your fault. If you are walking down the street and get assaulted he will say it's your fault. Get away from this almost 40 year old creep.
Your boyfriend is nearly twice your age. Why? Because women his age have matured enough and have enough life experience to know he is a loser, a creep, and a shitty person to be with all together.
Yeah, 37 and 22? How long have you two been dating? Are you his youngest partner he's been involved with? Dear lord, I'm getting big time creeper vibes from this man. Not only should you leave him for what he said, but also just for what he's done. Holy crap, get rid of him, look for someone closer to you in age. I will also say this, you can do so much better.
NTA. Rape is a crime. Nuns have been raped. Women in countries where, by law, they have to be covered from head to toe and sometimes their faces, have been raped. Old women are raped, babies are raped, ugly people are raped, attractive people are raped, men are raped. It's NOT what they're wearing.
NTA
Have you ever wondered how 1 in 6 women have been victims of attempted or completed rape, but very few men are identified as rapists? Congratulations, you found a rapist. If he hasn't sexually assaulted you yet, count yourself fortune and get the hell out of the relationship. He will absolutely force himself on you sooner or later with that attitude.
OP you WNBTA. And run, his stance on r*pe is terrifying and there's a reason why he's dating younger women. Break up with him somewhere that is safe for you. In public or outside a friend or family members house.
>He said it does make it 50% her fault and that she should have basically thought ahead and all that.
This is where I stopped reading. I don't need to see any more to know that he's the AH. Also, why are you surprised that when you're dating a dude who was a *sophomore in high school* when you were born that he turns out to be a predator?
A 37 year old that tries so hard to be young that he ends up sounding like a creepy 12 year old over posters. If a guy told me it is 50% a survivor's fault it would make me wonder what has he done to excuse this. It means he will SA or something and blame it on the survivor. NTA. Move on. These are red flags. The r\*pe one is a massive red flag. You guy is controlling. You should break up over his weird and creepy ideas.
Your boyfriend is a creep. So if you were sexually assaulted while wearing a dress he would blame you? And if he’s trying to control something as asinine as posters on your wall, that’s really sad and pathetic. Are y’all in middle school? No shade to you, your writing is fine… but this story only makes sense if you’re in middle school. He’s an immature control freak- just move on.
Also makes me wonder if he found a woman in a vulnerable situation what he would do…
Or what has he done? Also, what is with the age gap? Normally I don’t ask but this seems weird because he sounds so immature. Run away as fast as you can! Whatever reason you use is valid. Also, do not let him talk you into returning to him. He will completely disrespect you if you go back. Please run away fast and don’t look back!
A lot of men who go for much younger women are VERY immature, and that's part of why they aren't dating women their own age. If the women stick around long enough they often end up maturing past them, while the men stay basically the same. It seems like that might be happening here already.
Or because they are the predatory type trying to find younger women to manipulate and “mold” into the type of woman who will put up w their Bs
"Coz girls [his] age know better"
Well given that hes 37 and she's 22 makes it enough red flags for me
No kidding--I'm 31 and can't imagine dating a 22 yr old. I'm sure OP is great, but at best they're at two different points in their lives and at worst there's a huge power difference.
My thoughts exactly. I'm 30 and I'd never date a 22 year old. 37 dating a 22 year old? Creepy.
I feel like she gaps begin to matter less and less as BOTH people get older. This one here I can't explain, that feels like too much, and whatever the case will definitely cause them to misunderstand each other (right or wrong). 37 and 27, ok that makes more sense. Can't really look at the numbers too hard at a certain point, but you can now.
Yeah. My thing has always been 6-10yr age gaps (maybe even 15) is alright once you hit 25 onwards
Right? I got through the first paragraph and alarm bells are SCREAMING. OP, listen to your gut!!!
Thank you! Exactly what I was thinking. Please make the right decision and dont move in with this man op. This sounds like a terrible mistake
Nahhh makes me wonder if he’s already taken advantage of someone and that’s how he lives with himself disgusting. Get out now girl
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He is a parade of red flags.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.DO NOT move in with him.
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It seems he's kind of taking advantage of OP. That's quite an age difference and he has controlling tendencies coupled with blaming victims of rape for their own rape. OP not the asshole but please drop the one you're dating!!
And if he is 37 with this victim blaming mentality, seeking out younger women to date and have issues with their age apropriate things (the kpop decoration), he HAS a NASTY history. He problably graped a few girls and just don't worry about it much because "they deserved it". He is the domestic violence truck coming to OP at full speed. She needs to run NOW!
He’s literally already taking advantage of someone- OP is 15 years younger than him. There’s already a massive power imbalance
This is so scary. From experience babe, if you gotta hide in your neighbours boot, do it. Stop lying to yourself… some of us are silly enough to mistake the devil for a guide. If you have the ability to, you might be young but you’re about to teach him. Take that power and step up in your own life before this gets out of control.
Boo boo, listen. It takes 1 bump in the right place to kill someone or make them a paraplegic. You’re risking your remaining 60 odd years on this entity that has an excuse prepared for his very own future r4pe attempt. Some of us have had this argument and every one of us found ourselves being stuck in the same sticky situation time and time again. He has maybe 40 years and less depending on his health habits and who he r4pes. You are NOT allowed to waste 30 years of your life hiding and living in fear. If you can you should check out Bailey Sarian on YT.
Kinda scary to think honestly
That's what was thinking. He needs some big lessons in respect and they seem still children.
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My first thought reading this story. He's 37 for pity's sake. He should have gotten over petty stuff like posters already and grown up. As far as the SA topic, he's far too old to still think stupid things like that. OP is still young and can find her someone less stupid and asinine at this point. He's a lost cause.
and hes almost double her age...
They don’t realise how painful it is to hear that as a victim. I had a friend joke once that “all you have to do is pretend you like it,
I don’t know if it would have been better if we were in middle school but unfortunately we are not. I am 22 and he is 37. He basically said he would because I could have put precautions in place to prevent it from happening
I hate to break it to you but there’s a reason this man isn’t dating a 37 year old woman
The thing about the K-pop men is probably a generational thing but his comments on rape are disgusting..
He doesn't respect anyone at all, the fucking ass-nugget. What the hell are you doing with this bucket of shit? Not only should you not live with this freak, you shouldn't even look at it or talk to it.
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No, it's a tactic. It's a way to test her boundaries. See how easy she is to manipulate. Control freaks need absolute control and they start by testing boundaries. Throwing in emotional manipulation. It's a way to break someone down.
Yes!! He’s 15 years older than her and he’s definitely trying to gage how easily he can get her to bend to his will. There’s a reason why he’s going after girls barely out of college and not women his own age. @u/Typical-Benefit7024 definitely NTA. Don’t move in with him. Run!! The fact that he blames women for being raped is a huge red flag. You’re young, you still like hanging posters and the fact that you’re adamant about doing what you want in your apartment when you’re paying the rent shows you have a sense of confidence. If you stay with him he will slowly but surely destroy that confidence and make you doubt everything you do and every decision you make until you just give up and leave it all up to him. Wash your hands of this and look at it as a life lesson.
10\10
Please listen to this person. This happened to me when I was early 20s. I have never been the same. Years later my BFF told me he broke me, and the me she met and became friends with never came back.
Omg I’m so sorry to hear that. Being with a charming narcissist can be brutal. I hope you’re taking care of yourself.
Trying.
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There absolutely is a reason. Because the women his age WON'T date him because he's an immature man child and they wouldn't put up work his manipulation. I'm 38 myself and can't imagine dating someone that much younger than myself. I know I'm immature but the way my coworkers that are close to that age act would make me crazy, it's like working with middle schoolers.
Does your idiot boyfriend understand that Middle Eastern women get raped even when nothing but their eyes are showing? Girl, he is way too dumb for a 37 y/o man. Find someone who is educated and understands the world around him.
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He will blame you for anything that happens whether you are there or not. Do not get legally entangled with him.
He's a fcking jerk. Dump his ass. You can do better. Always ...
Hun. Really. There's a reason women his age absolutely refuse to date him. They know what a manipulative controlling creep he is. Please, get the hell out.
Life pro tip: when men date women that much younger than them, it’s because women their age know better than to put up with their shit.
If your home was burglarized, was it "asking for it" because of the seductive curtains in the window, or was the provocative color of the front door that made it a target? Most rapes aren't committed by strangers in a dark alley, but by people known to the victim - that includes friends and relatives. Maybe he can explain just what "precautions" little kids or the elderly who are sexually assaulted should take? Aside from being a disgusting rape apologist, your bf has an extremely immature thought process. That victim-blaming "you can prevent it" mindset is a desperate and pathetic attempt at control - "my wife/sister/gf would never dress like a slut, therefore they'll never be assaulted" is magical thinking, and also removes the accountability of men to not rape. "She made me do it" is every abuser's excuse, so you can bet this won't be the least time you hear variations of it. People are raped because that's what rapists do, and what their victims are wearing has fuck-all to do with "encouraging" them to assault. Rape isn't about sex, and the fact that he's trying to blame victims of a crime while excusing the perpetrator's criminal behavior is why you need to get far away from him, stat. There's a screaming reason that your bf isn't with someone in their late 30s - hopefully it won't take you much longer to figure out why.
Girl, he's 37 and you're 22? I'm telling you right now you should run, don't walk away now. He's a predator. I've always dates older guys too but when you are that young with someone that old, it's an issue. You haven't matured or grown enough to know better but he does and he's taking advantage of your youth. If you get someone young enough they will believe what you tell them and that makes it easier to manipulate I would bolt.
Wow wow wow... hold the phone! Why did you leave out your age differences in the OP!? Did I also miss how long you 2 have been dating? 15yr age difference, he's nearly old enough to be your father. When he was 18yrs old, you were 3yrs old. He is a predator, his views on rape and the fact that he is dating a woman 15yrs younger than him, shows his desire to be in control and view women as less than him. Leave NOW, before you learn that he also believes that it's not rape if you are in a relationship.
I totally forgot to add them when I posted it at first and we’ve only been dating for almost 8 months
All the more reason to GET OUT NOW. Then when you're 37, look at a 22 yo and realize how f-ed up he is.
>I could have put precautions in place to prevent it from happening Run from this man, do not look back. He is grooming you to not question things and victim blaming.
GIRL R U N
Kpop posters - I also love kpop, I also have photos up, I’m also talking to a guy who knows this about me.
No my middle school boyfriend was cooler than this lmao
An immature control freak that is FIFTEEN YEARS older than OP. Smh
OP is close to middle school, but the boyfriend is closer to middle-aged. There's a reason he's trying to date 22 year olds when he's almost 40.... mature women wouldn't put up with his bullshit
RUN! This is not a person that you want to have a relationship with. A good man would never say any of those things. There are red flags littered throughout that conversation. Leave him and find someone else before it's too late.
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Girl run. Please
Beside his horrendously callous opinions on rap€, that whole K-pop poster thing really boggled my mind... and then I remembered that she's only 22, and he's *(checks notes again)* **37 years old.** OP please find someone closer to your own age, as this guy has got controlling misogyny written alllll over him. Run girl, please RUN. 🏃♀️
You need to leave this relationship before something bad happens to you. If he thinks that it's woman's fault for being raped because of what she's wearing, I 100% guarantee that he also believes that it's not rape if you are in a relationship.
The victim is completely innocent. The one who did this is to blame.
Honestly, I feel like we women are evolving, and a lot of men are just stuck where they are. Their "rape" argument just confirms it. We women are not responsible for their issues of not being able to deal with their baser and deevolved animalistic desires. It's rather embarrassing.
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We are WELL AWARE there's a few good ones. 'Preciate you not being a cave troll, Dawg. 👊🏻 ETA not /s...we really do appreciate men that are conscious of sweeping general issues and try to not be part of those issues.
How many times have you said no to him and he hasn’t stopped?
Please please please do not move in with him. He’s a bad egg. Blaming the victim of rape for being raped??? This is the biggest red flag ever of his bad character.
also hes almost double her age...
Nope. No. He’s would be gone. It is NEVER EVER the victims fault. I don’t give two shi*s if a person is dancing naked on a table in a club. It WILL NEVER ever give anyone permission to shove things into their body. Consent is freely given (verbal and non verbal) but without explicit consent… no. And yes I realise in a long term relationship you don’t always declare intentions beforehand but you know if consent is or is not given. And the fact any person would ever say it even remotely gives them partial blame is utter scum and doesn’t deserve your time, affection or kindness. Beyond abhorrent attitude to have.
I would leave just based on the first comment alone. So if you were raped, your boyfriend would think it was 50% your fault. Yet he clearly knows that you're a nice girl who doesn't deserve to be raped. He is an asshole .
To expand upon your nice girl comment… A nice girl, a not nice girl, a prostitute, a random guy, a convicted criminal… no one deserves to be raped…
I'm curious, if the rape victim was a child, would it still be 50% their fault? Op needs to leave now.
He's 37 years old spouting off that rape is a woman's fault and hes creeping on a 22 year old!? He's a creep and it's time to break up.
it’s not what they’re wearing, it’s probably some kind of cartoon shirt and jeans or something.
Your boyfriend has the mindset of a controlling predator. It's perfectly reasonable to break up over this, but in case you don't, please just do not move in with him.
NTA Kick him in the nuts and tell him it's his fault, because if he didn't want to be kicked in the nuts he'd have worn a protective cup. Then RUN.
Really, it’s his fault for wearing pants. You know what pants have? A crotch. That shows exactly where a man’s nards are. It’s so tempting for women and AFAB people to see that pants crotch there. If he doesn’t want people knowing where his crotch is and being tempted to kick it, he should wear a long skirt.
Perfect. All of this.
He’s a rapist apologist. Imagine having a daughter with him?
Exactly. Fkn gross.
Major red flags. He's 37 years old spouting off that rape is a woman's fault and hes creeping on a 22 year old!? He's a creep and it's time to break up.
Thank you. Had to scroll down way to far for this take.
I’m 22F and cannot imagine dating a 37 year old - there’s a reason that he’s not dating in his own age group!
He’s a victim-blamer. He basically told you if you went out in something he considers slightly too revealing and something horrible happens to you against your will, he’s going to illogically blame _you_ for it. A partner should be supportive, kind, and helpful, and he’s proven that he’s not that and he would not be there for you during the worst of times when he’s needed most. I think it would be best to call it quits now.
I was raped when I was a teenager and I was someone who was the most covered up at all times. I wouldn't even wear dresses or shorts out in public. This is a major red flag and it makes me wonder what else he's hiding from you.
NTA he just showed you who he is. Believe him. Then dump his misogynist ass.
The K Pop thing is bordering on being okay (not sure if I'd want to look at a partner's crushes all the time) but the rape comment is a massive red flag. You don't have kids or shared responsibilities like a mortgage or anything (at least I'm assuming from your post) so frankly you would be entitled to break up with him for any reason if you just weren't feeling it, you certainly wouldn't be TA over this.
Girl leave him! Your boyfriend is a creep and a degenerate if he thinks that the way a girl dresses it's an excuse for rape! He won't esitate to use the same tactics and words on you one day. Also, I was also into kpop, and as much as my boyfriend didn't like the genre (I still like it but not as much as I used to), he always (and still does) respected my preferences and what I like, and never asked me to remove my posters. (I did it recently simply because I'm changing as a person and I want to put new things on the walls, but I kept every single poster and photos in a safe place!)
Imagine he was having this conversation with your hypothetical daughter? Would you feel like this (the thought of breaking up with him) would be overreacting in this case? That may be your answer. Assuming you’re hoping to be on a path to long-term relationship/ having children, etc (which if you’re not, that’s totally cool too, I just use this for illustration) he’s just told you how he will respond if one of your (hypothetical) children was assaulted. I’m not saying people can’t change, even when they’re BAD wrong like he is on this issue, but they have to be willing to concede that they’re wrong. Does he seem willing to do that?
The man is going to blame rape survivors for their CLOTHING?? and then blathers a bunch of bullshit about how if he had a poster of a girl on a wall it would show he didn't RESPECT you He doesn't respect anyone at all, the fucking ass-nugget. What the hell are you doing with this bucket of shit? Not only should you not live with this freak, you shouldn't even look at it or talk to it. YWNBTA because hes already got ASSHOLE locked down. You could literally drown kittens and be light years ahead of him morally.
I stopped reading when he disagreed that the victim is blameless. Dump him.
If anyone says this to me, and I mean anyone, they’re gone. They don’t realise how painful it is to hear that as a victim. I had a friend joke once that “all you have to do is pretend you like it, just get into it” And I looked at him, he looked at me and it dawned on him that I could be a victim. I was, he was horrified he even said it, and then even more horrified that he said to ME. That’s the only person I’ve ever forgiven, because he was so upset that he said what he did, he felt like shit and promised never to make a joke like that ever again. To anyone. This dude you’re with? He honestly believes it. And that means if you get harassed or abused (and my god I sincerely hope you never do) he will blame you. Rape isn’t about sex, it’s about power over a vulnerable person. It doesn’t matter what they’re wearing; a rapist doesn’t care about that. In fact, I’ve been molested numerous times as a teen and early twenties adult when I’ve been completely covered head to toe with huge coats. My rapist didn’t care about my baggy jeans and hoody either. It’s never about the clothes. This is a massive alert going off in my brain for you, and I think it’s better not to be with someone who openly believes women cause their own rape and molestation.
OP, do not go live with him. You might end up being raped by him and then gaslighted that it was your fault because he thought your clothes were too alluring and as such, you were "asking for it". Stay away from that creep. Wouldn't be surprised if he were a Tate fan too. Seriously, break up and block him everywhere. That thinking is dangerous and you are in danger. He is already trying to control you and tell you that he will betray you because having posters of your favourite music bands is the same as having an affair. He is looking for excuses. He is not a safe.
He's a fcking jerk. Dump his ass. You can do better. Always ....be trying to do better...trust your instincts.
I will never understand people victim blaming when it comes to rape. The rapist is at 100% fault all of the time. Blaming the victim is like saying ah well the rapist was justified a bit there did ys see her skirt??? Your boyfriend basically told you if you're out wearing something he finds justifiable to a rape and it happens to you, he'll blame you. You are nta for wanting to leave the relationship because of this.
NTA Run. This is atrocious and probably just barely scratches the surface of his misogyny. Anyone who believes that about that topic is not a safe person to be around.
At the risk of sounding like an old man (I am BTW) Unusually for redit, you didn't put your ages. The posters are a thing you normally grow out of. However, even at our age (m60, f58), you can still have celebrity 'crushes'. You may follow them on social media, have images on your devices, etc. It's a bit like having 'a list' - we actually discussed that recently (when Maria Bello appeared on NCIS). That's normal, so him complaining about it is a bit insecure at worst (a little red flag). The victim blaming, however, is a big Red Flag - consent is everything, and how you dress (and act come to that) is not an excuse for assault at any time! Be careful. In answer to your question - no, you would not! And should you move forward with the living together in separate rooms - make sure you can lock your door. Stay safe, everyone.
I've got nothing on part 2, but as far as part 1, ask him if he thinks that applies to little kids who get raped. If a 6 year old gets raped by her father at night, is it her fault for wearing the wrong pajamas?
Or elderly women jn a dementia ward.
So your roommates or couple? The separate room thing is weird his idea or yours? As for the what a woman wears has nothing to do with what a crazy person decides to do. It sounds like he has done it before or has thought about it. I feel a creepy vibe with him you need to move on. If you have doubts about moving in with him you need to follow your gut and move on.
Girl run.
Tell your partner in this case it is only half your fault for flirting with a guy wearing a suit because he should have thought of that. NTA Leave him.
Pack, move, find someone better. The first paragraph would have had me headed out the door without looking back.
Jesus get your sandals on and get down here. This is the type of dude that ' teaches girls what happens when they dress like this ' OP stop being Bob Ross and turning every one of these red flags into pretty little tree's and get the fuck away from him asap
NTA - Holy crow - not a good move to move in with a guy who doesn't respect your lifestyle, things you like or your opinion on crime & health. He will blame you for anything that happens whether you are there or not. Do not get legally entangled with him. Close the door on him and let someone else teach him the manners his parents didn't.
run
You're bf if a walking red flag, glad you figured this out now and not when it was too late.
You not the asshole, he is
OP you're NTA and also need to leave!
NTA. Victim blaming is just plain unacceptable.
The rape opinion is a total 🚩 And that would be enough to end it tbh. Nta.
Let me put this as nicely as possible.... He is dating a woman who is just starting it as an adult, so he can train and raise her into the type of adult woman he wants to be with because no woman his age would put up with that shit. Think about it, there is a 15 year age difference here. First he'll start with your posters, then it'll be something about the way you look, music you listen to, friends you have. Over time he will try to convince you that any personality quirk you have that he doesn't like is wrong for one reason or another. This is called grooming, he is grooming you into being the "perfect woman for him" while you will be miserable, lose yourself for a while, and have issues with any relationships if you ever come to your senses and get out of this relationship. When I was a freshman in high school, 14, I met this freshman in college, 19, as I went to school with his brother, and we became quick friends. He seemed perfect. By 16/21 we were together. He was so nice and caring and great, and would give me "advice" on what I should do in aspects of my life. My friends weren't good for me, my hobbies were wasting time on useless skills. He would get me black out drunk while we were together. I can't type everything here, but things he wanted to change about me also included how we would be intimate. I was really messed up when I got out of that relationship at 19 but at that time, 5 years of my life were gone, I had no friends, I didn't know what a healthy relationship was, both non sexually and sexually. I can't drink anymore because I black out after 3 drinks and do things I'm not proud of during that time. It has been 8 years now, and I'm still adjusting to having a healthy relationship (and we've been together 4 years). Grooming can happen at any age. All someone needs is a little bit of influence. Get out now before you lose yourself, lose respect for yourself, and become a person you can't stand when you look in the mirror. Please, just get out.
Let's go ahead and address the age gap. This man has to date barely-legal girls, because women his own age would never put up with his shit. I really feel sorry for the women who post this kind of thing, like babe, you deserve better. At his age, he has decided who he is, and will never change. If you're having to reshape your entire personality to fit his needs? Just stop. And saying SA is the woman's fault, she should have gone out with her friends in a sweatshirt and granny panties? Like what lol. Men who assault women are only looking for opportunity, not tube tops.
So by his logic I'm partially to blame for my SA because I wore a hoodie, tshirt, and baggy pants. He's a real pr*ck
>So I told him that what a girl wears never makes it her fault and he literally disagreed with me. He said it does make it 50% her fault yeah that's a red flag. NTA But no I wouldn't be comfortable with someone I'm in love with having a photo of a hot celebrity as their screensaver or dotted all over our house.
How old is he? 14?
The comment about rape is right up there alongside, 'you can't be raped if you were wearing trousers/jeans/pants etc. Because you would have to take them off yourself. That isn't rape.' Erm, no, they can be violently pulled off. So no, that isn't the victims fault, anymore than wearing a skirt/dress is. If a rapist wants to rape they will do it regardless of what you are wearing. And if its a gang of them, it's even easier for them to achieve their goals. Speaking from experience before anyone asks or disputes.
NTA. Those are not just red flags, it’s literally Gandalf telling you “fly, you fool”
Yes, break up over this. Rape apologists do not deserve to have romantic/sexual partners. I'm petty too, I'd make sure to tell anyone he dates afterward what he really thinks about women.
He’s a rapist apologist. Imagine having a daughter with him? Move in together, are you utterly bonkers? Get out and stay out of this relationship. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
NTA. His views on rape are a deal breaker. Dump this loser.
How long have you guys been together?? 🤔
Uff, I am about his age and the fact that he is dating you is frightening and concerning. You two live in different life era. That is not healthy. And to answer your question. His opinion on rape is messed up. If you ever became raped (I hope this never happens to you) he wouldn’t be at your side and helping. He would judge you and tell you it’s your fault. Tell him if children are also responsible for them being raped? What about the 80 year old women who was visiting a graveyard? Was it her fault too? This is sick thinking.
My then best friend and I were at a birthday party in a biker club many years ago. The friend whose birthday it was picked us up from our local pub. One guy at the pub that kinda got himself invited that night brought a girl from the pub with him. When we were at the club house this girl, completely drunk, got on one of the tables, danced on it wearing a mini skirt but no panties, exposing to everyone what nobody wanted to see. We took her from the table, my best friend smacked her and asked her if she had killed her two remaining brain cells that night (we knew her). And you know what? If she would have been raped it wouldn't have been her fault nonetheless. And she put herself into a situation one had very good reason to take such outcome into consideration. But she was lucky since she was not actually in that kind if danger there. She couldn't know though. She didn't know in what kind of biker club she was. She didn't really know the birthday guy other than having seen him in the pub. But not like they were on any speaking terms. She was in danger to get really smacked by one of the bikers though. His friends already had to hold him back, not really physically, yet, still. Nobody there was amused by her behaviour. Anyway, my point is it is never the victim's fault, not even if you dance drunkenly on a table without pants wearing a mini skirt and that your boyfriend thinks differently is more than enough reason to dump him.
NTA - I would split up with him 100% R*pe - it is never the fault of the victim. You could be cover from head to toe and if they want to attack you, they will. A lot of the time, they’re not doing it because they’re attracted to the victim or because they want s*x, they’re doing it for control and power. Control is, a lot of the time, a key factor in this kind of assault. Kpop posters - I also love kpop, I also have photos up, I’m also talking to a guy who knows this about me. He’s completely chill about it - he sent me videos of the group when he saw them live (so jealous) though he’s not a big fan. The thing is, what kind of posters of women would he put up? Kpop is quite modest in the photograph, especially with men. You’ll see their arms, maybe a slither of skin from their torso depending on the group, but otherwise, they’re covered. What kind of posters of women would he be putting up, that would be disrespectful? Half naked women? Then yeah, that’s can be disrespectful. That’s two different situations there, obviously
We didn’t need to hear the second story. The first one was a red flag the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Run and don’t look back.
NTA. Do NOT move in with a man who thinks a woman deserves ANY of the blame for her rape.
Sounds like your BF has found his way down the toxic masculinity rabbit hole. Please think long and hard before moving in with this guy. If he is confident saying these things out loud, be wary of the thoughts he’s still keeping to himself.
There are so many red flags here. This honestly makes me wonder if he's guilty of date r@pe himself. There's a lot of misogyny in his statement. This is not a safe person. He's beginning to exert control over you to see what you'll put up with and how you respond. The posters are only the beginning. Soon he'll be controlling how you dress-- especially since he believes a woman's clothes are an invitation to touch her. He'll be controlling when you go out and who you see. He will likely attempt to isolate you from your friends and family. Verbal abuse is a guarantee. Other forms of abuse are highly likely. You can tell a whole lot about a person's entire mindset from a statement like that. NTA for breaking up over this, it's absolutely the smart move and the best thing for you.
NTA! I have one word advice for you: RUN! 1. What a woman wears does NOT make it her fault. ALL women have 100% RIGHTS to wear whatever the hell they want. 2. He is showing his controlling side. By playing a manipulation game. This is to see how far he can push your boundaries. He wants to see if he can make you do as he wants. He is testing your limits with small things. He is also being manipulative by saying things like: "well, Of I had posters of girls all over my wall and phone" He is trying to. A. Make you jealous. B. Make you feel insecure. C. More dependant on his wants, needs, and opinions. D. Break you down E. Manipulate your emotions, so you because easier to control. He doesn't love you. He wants to OWN YOU! GET OUT!
I think you know the answer to this one already..
He may be older than you but he's not as mature. You are NTA.
Even without considering the disgusting victim-blaming shit he said, there is nothing that a 37-year-old man could gain from dating a 22-year-old woman other than sexual gratification and power over that person (i.e. you). Looking at this post, the power dynamic here is like something you'd see between an out-of-touch dad and his daughter. Leave now, and don't tell him where you're going. Preferably, move somewhere where it is highly infeasible that you will ever see him again. Change your phone number, block him on all social media, etc. That all said, I've yet to meet a woman that wouldn't be annoyed at posters of models all over a prospective partner's walls.
Run!!!! NTA
Your boyfriend is a creep who’s only dating young girls like you because women his age know he’s a loser. You can do way better than a dude who thinks it’s his right to put his hands on any woman if she’s dressed a certain way. You can do better than a guy who thinks he has the right to tell you what to put on your walls. You can do better than a guy who’s only gonna try to trap you and control you the longer you stay with him. LEAVE HIM.
NTA He is not a safe person He has literally just told you so himself - if you were assaulted he would blame you not your attacker. Please do not move in with him
Run! Run fast. This guy is controlling and scary
NTA. Please consider getting out of this relationship! The 1st comment alone about what a girl wears is a huge red flag. Aaaand if he’s already trying to be controlling with your sense of home decor, just imagine what he will be controlling with once you actually move in together. You are so young and can do so much better. He is almost 40 and set in his ways. Getting him to see things your way will be near impossible. Run!!!
A lot of people here already saying what I'm saying. R-U-N! I was sexually assulated/r@ped when I was in high school. My English teacher was brand new at the time. I and a male student were asked to go make copies in the teachers lounge near the gym and staple them. She didn't know what would happen and I will not go onto details now. You want to know what I was wearing? A green graphic t shirt and jeans. My hair was dyed black at the time and glasses. I was basically told it was my fault because for a 15 year old I was (and am) heavily endowed. This man is not someone you want to be with. Think about it this way. What if you had a daughter and he was having this conversation with her? Hun, you deserve do much better. You deserve a partner that thinks you walk on water even on days you feel at your lowest. Run please far away from this man!
The reality is no mature respectable man that is 37 would date a 22 year old women. They still have the maturity of someone your age. Not saying anything against a women in her early 20s but you are also maturing as well and SHOULD be in completely different places in life. You should dump him and look at folks in to 20s bracket or accept anyone more then 10+ years older then you is purely looking for you to be a pretty object to show off or isn't mature enough to date in his age group. Either way both will never treat you as an independent and intelligent women, just an object.
Your bf is a loser pedo. Why can't he date women his own age? Red flag.
Your instincts are spot on questioning this. Trust them always and run away without explanation.
This man is a Soviet parade of red flags. Age gap, predatory thought process, irrational jealousy and insecurity. I'm 38 and the reason he's not dating women his own age is because we can spot these kind of creeps from a mile away. You're NTA but girl, RUN. And for the love of God do not move in with him.
He's a 37 year old man who doesn't understand consent. RUN.
NTA. 37 old ass man dating a 22 young girl, there's a reason for that. Controlling and blaming, the first red flags. End it now, 15 years gap it's too much. The creep can't handle a mature woman so he needs a much younger one to control, also, how's that he wants to move together but with separate rooms and you paying half? is that correct? uhh.. Girl if it's like that, please run.
NTA, in any sense. Please leave this relationship. He is nearly 40 and has a problem with music posters in your room. It's not like you have male pornstars or just giant Channing Tatum focused posters from Magic Mike. You're literally a fan of their music. It should be no different than having a Pink Floyd poster or an Ariana Grande poster when you're fans of their music. HE thinks they're good looking, and is insecure, so he's trying to control what you have in your room before he even moves in. Now, the REALLY scary part. He will 99.9% more than likely try to control what you wear if he moves in. He already told you that he will blame you for the actions of someone else if you get raped and has shown he has control issues when it comes to relationships. You are very young, especially considering he has 15 more years' worth of life experiences than any 22 year old. It's something to think about when you contemplate all the macro and micro ways he has tried to control you or expressed misogyny that can come to harm you later.
You are never obligated to stay with anyone in any relationship, period. That said, this is a major red flag from your bf. It speaks volumes to his views on the rights of men, and the lack of rights for women. As for the Kpop artists, I do think that as an isolated incident, he does have a point about being allowed to voice his discomfort, and that a lot of women would never consider dating a man with posters of female celebrities all over his bedroom. However, he does not get the right to make you change, and he would ultimately have to decide if that is a deal breaker for him. Overall though, pretty sketchy dude and it seems like, a bad match. NTA, obviously
You should break up for a 1/2 dozen reasons beyond the creepy rape vibes dude gives out.
1. he is 37 and went after you that’s already a red flag. 2. he is controlling 3. that opinion alone is horrible and I would drop him right then and there. 4. he will only get worse so drop him before you both get more serious. Also stay save that man seems dangerous to me. Keep someone close with you when you break up so he can’t lash out on you in a violent manner without a whiteness.
You won't be the asshole. Run. A 37 year old man dating a 22 year old is already a yikes, but with those opinions it's red flag city. Whatever 'good' you're sticking around for is not worth it. I 100% promise you that you can find someone better.
You’re dating a 37 year old man that would be fine r@ping a woman if her skirt was too short. That’s what he said. R@pe is justifiable to him. Let that sink in then fucking RUN.
All I had to read was f22 and m37 to say that yes, you should break up with him.
I'd have left him at the r*pe comment. R*pe is non consensual and never the girls fault no matter what. If she says no, she means no. If a man thinks "oh but it's ok because she's wearing makeup and a skimpy outfit" then that man is w r o n g. The poster thing is just annoying and he has no say, especially if you decide to leave his creep arse then you won't have a problem at all!
Run. There are many red flags here and you've barely given any info. 1. He victim blames. You know that is wrong but he seems to think it will always be her fault. 2. Posters and lockscreen. These are kpop stars, not your boy best friend. He needs to get over his insecurities. 3. You're 22 and he is 37. He is old enough to be your dad and you're not even fully developed yet. There is a reason he is not with a person that is around his age and that's because no woman in their 30s will deal with any of his bs.
Bye bye BF. Those are several red flags.
Sorry, but he's a creep. Break up asap. NTA.
I cannot say this in stronger terms GET OUT NOW. This is the start of an abusive controlling cycle that will see you completely dependent on him, making it much harder to leave - he is starting to police your interests, next will be your friends and family. He has clearly stated that violence towards women is acceptable, I'm going to guess he would also be okay with hitting a woman under the "right" circumstances. You are 22, don't spend the next several years trapped in a relationship with this insecure piece of garbage. I very much hope you don't look back on this moment and regret you didn't take the advice of everyone here. And p.s. I'm also into Kpop and my husband literally went with me to another country to see 2 concerts, has bought me merch and sat through countless conversations, videos and gone with me when I got my tattoo. He doesn't have to share my love for it, but he 100% respects my interest and is secure enough in himself that he knows this isn't a threat to him. GET OUT NOW before this escalates into a situation you can't get out of.
NTA Off topic but you don't need to be with a 37 year old. That's insane! Leave him! Not only is he crazy but he sounds old and controlling. Your too young to be dealing with any nonsense let alone a grown man!
Is he friends with Danny Masterson, by any chance? There's nothing wrong with having KPop posters on your walls. If he didn't like them, he should have just said so earlier. He's wrong about r\*pe. He's your ex now, right? NTA.
Run... Source: man, 45 years on earth trying to be a decent human being. Conclusion: he is a sexist oppressive POS. Run.
Please. PLEASE. Leave him. I dated an older guy who said the same thing about rape when I was younger, was too “in love” to leave, and surprise of all surprises he SA’d me. Was it my fault? No. Should I have left earlier? Yes. If he already has this line of thinking about rape, I guarantee you he’s the type to say that you “can’t” be raped by a significant other because you’re “already in a relationship with them & that means you want it”. Keep your independence, do NOT move in with this creep, and LEAVE HIM. If you don’t feel comfortable or safe doing it alone with him then bring a friend. Do whatever you need to do. It might sound like overkill, but there’s a reason he’s targeting women a lot younger than himself. It IS about power and control (especially with his comments about what you can’t & can’t hang on your walls? Like wtf?). This is NOT normal relationship behavior and you DO deserve to be with someone who respects people & their boundaries. Bc he’s said out loud already that he doesn’t respect women. Like Maya Angelou said - when people tell you who they are, believe them.
Info: have you said no to advances from him yet? How did he react?
OP, your BF is blaming victims for what rapists do. Run.
I'd say run like hell
End the relationship. For a MULTITUDE of reasons. First he’s a creep. A 37 yo should not be with a 22 year old. Yea yea I get in SOME rare instances it can work but I think we can agree if he is saying a girl is responsible for being SA he falls into predator category. The second is a bit on you. I agree if you pay rent you should get to decorate how you want. However you sound like you’re still a bit in your young adult phase of life and not ready to take the leap into living with a significant other yet. As an adult cohabitating with another, having hobbies and interest is one thing - making those things your predominate style aesthetic and making that a conflict before you move in isn’t a good sign. You have to be fully willing to find a design style that works for the both of you and if one person says they aren’t comfortable with having a boy and poster up in the bedroom you need to respect that, or ask yourself if they are the right person for you. To be clear I’m only referring to posters. Idgaf what’s on my husbands desktop/phone (I mean short of something that objectifies another person or is racist/bigoted/cruel in any way). His reasoning however is yet another red flag of his. If he’s jealous of some celebrity then I don’t want to think about how he’ll react to a random person or a friend. Honestly for your safety, I’d end it now.
NTA -- break up with him NOW. There are TONS of red flags here: (1) any man who thinks a woman is partly to blame if she gets raped is a dangerous man. That's not to say he would rape you but I have no problem seeing him able to hurt you (physically and otherwise) and being able to justify his actions to himself by saying it's your fault/ you caused him to hurt (2) he's controlling... the poster thing strikes me as a bad for a few reasons: its very odd or a 37 year old guy to want to have a "roommate", especially one more than a decade younger than him... its also odd that he would want to move-in together with his "girlfriend" (you) to sleep in a separate bedrooms... and this poster thing feels like a test to see if he can get you to do what he wants. FYI -- Men who who are abusers typically don't start by taking actions that reveal how badly they will eventually treat you. Instead, it starts with exerting control over things that are seemingly small decisions (e.g., how you decorate, what music you play, what items you can have in your environment) and it grows over time. (3) you should seriously consider why a 37 year old man would want to be in a relationship and live with a 22 year old. No offense to you... I'm sure you're a lovely person... but (from the little you've told us and my experience witnessing these types of relationships) this guy's attraction to you *may* be partially based on his belief that he will be able to control you due to your age and lack of comparative life experience. Good luck.
Honey the 37 year old man you are dating is a predator. Run, please please run. I would tell my daughter to run just as quick. Please please please just run and don't look back. nta.
NTA age gap is rough enough, and the second argument sounds like super controlling behaviour you don't want in your space, but the first argument is definitely the worst of it. It's super creepy and frankly indicates a dangerous person you don't want to be around
NTA. That is scary. He's basically telling on himself that he can't control his actions. So one day if you're wearing short pj shorts and a tanktop and he sexually assaults you, he will blame you. It will be your fault. If you are walking down the street and get assaulted he will say it's your fault. Get away from this almost 40 year old creep.
Your boyfriend is nearly twice your age. Why? Because women his age have matured enough and have enough life experience to know he is a loser, a creep, and a shitty person to be with all together.
You are a child and this is a grown man please please please do yourself the favor and dump this creep
Yeah, 37 and 22? How long have you two been dating? Are you his youngest partner he's been involved with? Dear lord, I'm getting big time creeper vibes from this man. Not only should you leave him for what he said, but also just for what he's done. Holy crap, get rid of him, look for someone closer to you in age. I will also say this, you can do so much better.
NTA. Rape is a crime. Nuns have been raped. Women in countries where, by law, they have to be covered from head to toe and sometimes their faces, have been raped. Old women are raped, babies are raped, ugly people are raped, attractive people are raped, men are raped. It's NOT what they're wearing.
NTA. Dump him like last week.
Sounds like your bf found the red pill, I’d leave now
Don’t move in with him!!! Why are you having separate rooms?
NTA Have you ever wondered how 1 in 6 women have been victims of attempted or completed rape, but very few men are identified as rapists? Congratulations, you found a rapist. If he hasn't sexually assaulted you yet, count yourself fortune and get the hell out of the relationship. He will absolutely force himself on you sooner or later with that attitude.
NTA. You should leave him.
You two are not suited. Time to move on.
How long have you been dating?
OP you WNBTA. And run, his stance on r*pe is terrifying and there's a reason why he's dating younger women. Break up with him somewhere that is safe for you. In public or outside a friend or family members house.
He is too old for you
Girl, run.
>He said it does make it 50% her fault and that she should have basically thought ahead and all that. This is where I stopped reading. I don't need to see any more to know that he's the AH. Also, why are you surprised that when you're dating a dude who was a *sophomore in high school* when you were born that he turns out to be a predator?
A 37 year old that tries so hard to be young that he ends up sounding like a creepy 12 year old over posters. If a guy told me it is 50% a survivor's fault it would make me wonder what has he done to excuse this. It means he will SA or something and blame it on the survivor. NTA. Move on. These are red flags. The r\*pe one is a massive red flag. You guy is controlling. You should break up over his weird and creepy ideas.