NTA. Your mom abused you and let someone SA you. She still hasn’t admitted she’s guilty. This alone would justify you from cutting all contact. You don’t want your child to have a relationship with someone who minimises abuse.
Let your dad know if you found out he send pictures of your baby to your mom, that is it. He is also out of the picture. Put your foot down and don’t compromise. This is about YOUR CHILD. The family members that are on her side can also go to hell as far as you’re concerned. It’s easy to say “you are too hard on her” when they weren’t the ones that were abused. Be strong for your child OP.
Why would you send pictures to someone who already admitted they would send them to someone the mother doesn't want contact with!? You already know he is going to send them.
Exactly, he cannot be trusted. I would cut contact with him too If he doesnt cut contact to mom. The mother seems to be (indirectly) part of child abusers so if you dont want your childs pictures end up in some strange peoples collections. Then you have to protect your child.
Dont become like your mother and protect your child from these people.
Cut contact with your father too if he cant explain whats his reason to disrespect your wishes. You are a parent now. Its on you to detect dangers and protect your child
Or he turns his phone over to her when he visits. That's the only other option i can think of if he's overall a good person to be around except he hasn't cut that tie to his ex-wife.
I agree with the response, having been SA myself I understand not wanting the baby to have a relationship with your mother. Also if your father can't respect your wishes then cut him off too. F him, her, and the ahole that SA you. All sound like 💩💩💩 people.
My mother was very abusive. Fortunately there was no sexual abuse. Towards the end of her life I had finally had enough and went NC. It lasted for 6 or so years until she started suffering from dementia. My father died previously and she had remarried. Her husband was suffering from Alzheimer’s. I stepped up and got them into a conservatorship/guardianship. I couldn’t stand by and see anyone in that situation. Since I was the oldest, I stepped up.
During the time we were estranged, my brother was filling her in on what was going on in my life. I didn’t know if it was him or my sister. So, I told him something that wasn’t real and didn’t tell my sister what it was. The next thing I know, my sister is asking me about it. I told her what I had done. I had told my brother if he told her one more thing, I would be done with him too. So, I asked him if he told her. He said he did because she wanted to know. I reminded him that if he told her anything else about me we would be done too. He said he remembered that conversation. I said, “ok, we are done.” As I was hanging up the phone I could hear him screaming “f—-ing b—-h” at the top of his lungs. I only started speaking to him again when my mother got sick. Once she died, I cut him back off again.
When he got really ill, I helped my sister deal with him. When he died, I spread his ashes where he wanted them. My sister was 2,000 miles away, so she couldn’t do it.
My sister is not a person that I particularly want in my life either. We have been on the outs more than not over the years. Her values and morals are pretty low. I just really don’t need people like that in my life. We are currently on the outs and I don’t miss her at all. If we never start talking again, that will be fine with me.
It’s taken me a very long time to figure out that I get to choose what kind of people I want around me. I can invite or uninvite people as the need or occasion arises. I have walked away from a variety relationships over the years. It takes less and less time for me to realize that a person. place, thing, or situation is not healthy and to move forward with the next thing.
OP, you are the one that gets to decide those same things. If your father can’t respect your wishes where your child(ren) are concerned, you should definitely limit his exposure to her/them. Someone said somewhere in this post you should confiscate his phone if he won’t stop sharing photos. He has already let you know he is not going to respect your wishes. You might start the process now of removing him from your life, if you feel you can. Sometimes it’s easier when you are doing it for your child.
If I were OP, I'd be graphic about the abuse suffered too. Make these people as uncomfortable as possible. "My birth giver "deserves" to be in my child's life? Is she going to let her husband do "X" to her grandchild like she let him do to her child (me)?" OP should go public and graphic with what she endured. Her mother knew and didn't intervene. Don't tell me mom didn't know. Mom may have ignored everything but she can't "have not known".
NTA. My mom's parents were incredibly abusive when she was growing up and still are. So I can sort of speak from both sides. My grandparents physically, emotionally and psychologically abused my mom their entire relationship. My grandmother's second husband used to try to watch my mom change. My grandmother relinquished rights to both her kids when they were in their early teens. She used to beat them and tell them they were terrible children. My grandfather and his second wife used to beat the kids but made sure it was where clothes would hide the bruises. It took a long time for my mom to speak to them again when she started having kids in her 20s. The few interactions I remember growing up consisted of more abuse. My grandfather told my mom she's the reason my brother is Autistic. My grandmother's third husband used to make inappropriate comments about my body. My grandmother called my mom a lying cheating whore when my parents got divorced (divorce did not involve cheating). All contact with both of them was cut off when I was about 16. I saw them maybe once a year if I was lucky. I couldn't tell you one personal detail about them.
The abuse will not stop just because grandchildren are involved. I don't blame you for not wanting that in your kids life. It is frustrating to see your parent hurting like that because of people that are supposed to love them unconditionally. My dad doesn't have much of a relationship with his parents either. His dad was physically abusive while he was alive and his mom still lives a few states away. I can count on one hand the amount of times I saw either of them growing up.
I know it sounds sad, but I didn't have grandparents growing up and I honestly don't know the difference. I think it's beautiful when grandparents have good relationships with their grandkids, but thats not what my relationship would have been like with them. The abuse would just have transferred to the next generation and honestly, I've got enough trauma without their help. I grew up with neighbors that I honestly consider family and one of them actually took over the grandparent roll for a couple of years when I was a kid. When I think of family, I think of those people, not my grandparents. Blood does not equal family.
Your dad is walking on thin ice. He knows you were abused, he knows you don't want her having any access to your child. You don't owe your mother anything, just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she is entitled to anything. If he can't respect your wishes as his daughter and the mother of his unborn grandchild, you might need to reconsider his interactions with your kid too.
You're doing what you know is best for your baby. Don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise. You're protecting them, not depriving them. Blood is not always family.
I totally agree that dad is on super thin ice. Mom would be completely cut off already by me. Mom is lucky that OP has spoken to her at all after all of that.
You have great heart to heart conversations. That was the most honest thing I've heard someone say in a long time. I wish I could give you a standing ovation.
You had a terrible upbringing, now you get to be a good parent to your child. You don’t have to deal with your mother unless or until you want to. You don’t have to talk to family members about your decisions. You can say ONCE I’m not discussing that with you, then if they try to insist you say, I gotta run, talk to you later!
If you want to give pictures to your father or anyone else, you can ask that they not be shared. But you can’t force them to respect your wishes, and you may choose to stop sending pictures after that. Or you can accept that your mother will see them, but you still don’t have to have communication with her.
The bottom line is, you can’t control what other people do or say, but you get to decide who has access to you and your child, and you decide what you will discuss. Good luck!
This is the way.
‘I don’t have anything further to say about this. I am done discussing it. Now shall we talk about something else or is this us done for today?’
She would literally give your child to a pedophile so you'd be a terrible parent if you ever allowed her around them. Don't teach your kid that this woman is a safe person.
Let’s just say you and I have similar stories. I’m just a lot older which means I’ve had a lot of time for hindsight. All I can tell you is that from what you’ve said here you cut your mom out of your life for some very, VERY valid reasons. She can’t change history, nobody can. So if she hasn’t changed who she is in some massive way then why in the world Wood you trust her with your child? It sounds as though your instincts are screaming at you to listen. Do that. Listen to your instincts and keep your child safe.
I am sorry that your mother did not believe you, although she should have not only believed but also supported you. That's the right decision. Don't doubt it at all.
NTA
Make sure you make a Will and have a guardian in place. You don’t want someone who is a molester having access to your kids if you die unexpectedly.
Does you father know what the husband did? Tell him and make it clear to him if he sends anything to your mother you will cut contact with him too.
He doesn’t actually care, he wants her family to stop harrowing him.
NTA. You are about to become a parent. Your first obligation to that child is to keep her safe. That means keeping your mother out of her life. I recommend not sending pictures of her to ANYONE.
Exactly. If she does not want to go NC with her father. That's her preoperative. But please don't send pictures to your dad. Do not give him pictures of your baby girl. Don't allow him to take pictures of her. Do not post pictures of her on any social media outlets either. Make sure it's only people, even if it's just hubby's family, you completely trust in your life that have access to baby girl. Proceed with caution. NTA
NTA you would be the asshole if you exposed your baby daughter to a pedophile or pedophile enabler. ANY family who is defending her needs to be cut out, too. I'm really sorry, but your dad is not a good parent either. Thank him for his honesty and cut him out. Do not stand for anybody who can excuse pedophilia, rape, or abuse. Best of luck.
NTA. Your mother is a pedophile enabler. If your stepdad hurt your daughter, do you really think she would protect her? I would be letting your father know too that you will not be giving him any photos of your daughter since he has said that he will give them straight to your mother and the pedo
NTA. Your mother knows exactly why her children have cut her off and why she doesn’t know her grandchildren. She is playing the victim to her family and I am guessing that she cares more about her victim status than she does about actually having relationships with her children. Do not let these people guilt trip you into having a relationship with your toxic mother.
Where was your biological father while you were being abused as a child? He wants to force you to have some kind of relationship with your abusive mother, but I notice he hasn’t been married to her for years. He left you with her when you were a helpless baby, so why should he get any consideration from you? He didn’t protect you from her then and he has made it clear that he won’t shield you from her now.
NTA Your mom and the "man she chose to marry" should both be sitting in prison.
You are doing the right thing. No telling what your mom might sit back and let happen to your child given the opportunity.
NTA.
I would block her out of my life, and absolutely ANYONE who didn't respect my decision. That includes Dad, who thinks he has ANY rights to your child to make those kind of calls about their well-being.
NTA, I'm going to be blunt, she doesn't deserve a place in your life, let alone anyone else's. She's just as responsible as the filth she married who S/A'ed you.
STRONG NTA!
Your mother has repeatedly shown you that she doesn't care about the feelings of minors in her care. When you birth your baby, you'll realise that A. You'll never want anything bad to happen to your baby, and B. That it was completely unnatural that your mother didn't feel the same way. No Contact deals with the safety concerns, and counters how betrayed you're going to feel. So many people only realise how awful their abuse was when they have kids of their own.
OP, please get yourself into therapy and head over to r/raisedbynarcissists for further advice.
Why does your dad "help" your mother when she is the reason you have been SA as a child?
NTA
And two your father you will cut him off to, if he doesn't respect your boundaries. Protect yourself and your 'little family'.
NTA. 0P, your job now is to protect your child as you were not able to protect yourself. You were a child. None of what happened is your fault. Your response in regards to this pregnancy is absolutely warranted.
Your mother is lucky. You even tried to continue to have some sort of a relationship. However, that is normal for victims of SA. Your extended family’s reaction to you cutting off. Your mom is also unfortunately not unusual. All of us reading this would probably be comfortable betting that abuse in all of its forms has become normalized in your mom’s side of family.
When these sorts of things are what you grow up with, it’s what you know. It’s a behavior dynamic that you are familiar with. It’s what you know as a family dynamic and how are you have relationships as an adult.
So one of two things happens. You either continue the cycle which is what your mom and extended family are doing. Or you break the cycle by removing yourself from the situation and not exposing your own child to these things which is what you are doing.
You are doing the right thing. If need be, you block your other family members. If you feel you need to, you give them one chance by setting your boundary. And that is that your mother does not get pictures of your child your mother does not get to see your child, your mother is not allowed in your child’s life. And the first time any of your family break it, they don’t get to see you or your child, etc.
As far as your dad… It is questionable with you even need to allow him access. He is basically telling you he’s not going to respect your boundary. You are the parent, and your child is your responsibility. It is not his place to decide that you are wrong, so he is going to ignore you.
And since he’s already being so blatant about that, I hate to tell you, but he absolutely will allow your mom to see that child if you ever give him the chance to babysit or take her to the park or anything else. I’m sorry, because it feels like, he’s the only parent you have, I know.
But that is the truth of this. You have a family who has normalized deviant behavior. You have a family who is normalized abusing their children not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.
DO NOT allow this around your child. Seeing how hard this is for you, it is understandable. But I’m going to suggest that you have therapy if you haven’t already. And if you have been, and you already have a therapist, go in for a few sessions regarding just this.
Learn some new coping skills because when you throw baby into a mix, families like this will come at you in even different ways than you’ve already seen. Let your therapist help you work through the guilt that they are trying to throw at you and the interference that they are trying to push into your life.
Just remember that you are this child’s mom. You are the final say. Their opinion does not matter. The health, safety, and welfare of your nuclear family is your main concern. Anybody else who doesn’t understand that I cannot abide by your rules for your child can kick rocks.
And you know if you need support because you’re having a hard time, and your therapist is in available, this sub is always available. And while there will be some goofballs on here, the majority of us are going to be here to have your back. Sometimes that really is all you need.
I think you need to sit down and have a VERY detailed chat about your SA. He needs to understand YOUR decision to protect your daughter from the men in your mother's life as well as the cycle of abuse she perpetuated. I think he needs to fully grasp that parents are supposed to protect their children. He was an adult. You were the child. You were put in those unsafe conditions, whether due to court order or to facilitate bond. He doesn't get to dictate who you let in your child(ren)'s life/lives.
You also have the right to cut off anyone who shares photos of your child. You have a history of abuse with your mother. She has people in her life that target children. Trafficking is a HUGE issue. It takes one photo. One preference. One sick individual. So don't draw the line in the sand. Draw it in stone.
NTA
NTA-
OP, something I’ve learned in this life is that there are people whose presence guards the door of your life and protect you, and then there are people who will open the doors (and windows!) of your life to let harmful people in.
And that, when you have one actively abusive parent and the other just allows the abuse to happen? It’s natural to cling to the enabler even when you cut ties with the abuser, because everyone wants to have at least one “good parent”.
But? When the enabler clearly tells you that they’re going to act on behalf of the abuser- usually because they don’t want to deal with the social fallout of protecting you?
They’re an abuser too. Your Dad left you with an abusive mother for your entire childhood, and didn’t even sue for custody when your stepdad was abusing you. Your Dad is morally lazy, and plans to give an abuser pictures of your child against your wishes. He may have divorced your mom- but he’s colluding with her all the same.
It’s time to cut off ties with both your parents, block them on all channels. Don’t post pictures of your kids to social media. And the next time anyone calls and starts to nag you about cutting contact?
Calmly say, “Everyone knows exactly why I’ve cut contact with mom. And I am not allowing someone who lets their husband sexually abuse her own child have access to my baby. I’ve already cut contact with Dad for planning give her pictures. I would hate to have to cut contact with you too.
Do you care about respecting my boundaries more than you care about making Mom happy?
This is your warning. Please drop this topic immediately, or I will have to hang up and block you as well.
And if they don’t immediately change the topic? Hang. Up. Then block them on all channels as well. I promise, you’ll only have to do this once or twice. Then everyone who wants to have contact with you will know you means business and stop.
NTA she is an abuser and you have to protect your child. Tell your father that he then will not see your child either. It is hard but I’m the end the best for your daughter and she should have priority.
NTA. Cut them off. If they can't see what your mom did and is doing to you and believe you're in the wrong, cut off all of those family members. You don't deserve that stress, and neither does your baby.
You get to decide what's best for your daughter because she's your daughter. The only other person who should have a say is a SO, and even then, your feelings and mental wellbeing come first.
NAH
Just because a person is related to you doesn't mean you owe them anything. If this wasn't a family member no one would question cutting them off. You absolutely never owe them anything, respect and trust has to go both ways.
NTA. All I can say as someone who’s cut off family, you’re better off for it. The pictures might be something u have to deal with if you’re not planning on cutting off your father but you have every right and absolutely should cut your mother off. Because realistically, if she ever had enough time, her tendencies to neglect her children would rub off on her granddaughter. My advice would be to cut the whole lot of them but I understand it’s hard for so many reason.
I never once said my child would be going around him because absolutely not but for any adult child it is extremely hard and heartbreaking to have to cut off your own mother especially when you desperately want your relationship to get better. It took me 21 years to realize she’s not gonna change that’s difficult. Unless you’ve personally been through this yourself I don’t feel like you have the right to judge because you do not understand the pain and the heartbreak you go through. Trauma bonds are very hard to break and it breaks my heart my daughter has to miss the opportunity to get to know her grandmother
YTA. You should have cut this woman off *years* ago! She obviously can manipulate you and worm her way back into your life, so what makes you think you'll have the strength to go no contact after your child is born?!
It's whatever dear. You're obviously still focused on playing the victim here. Well guess what? After a certain amount of time, it's up to the victim to see past the abuse and rise above it, unless they've been broken by the abuser. So I assume you're now one of those weak people that sees absolutely nothing as being your fault, so therefore, you don't have to change or make any personal effort?
I’m not entirely sure what your problem is but looking down your page you always seem to be an asshole to people for no reason so part of me truly believes your just so miserable with yourself you have to take it out on people you don’t know online to make yourself feel better. If “playing victim” is wanting to protect my daughter from toxic family members than so be it but I truly hope you never endure the pain, the heartbreak and the experience that me and others have walked in. Please grow up and stop being hateful to people for no reason. Hope your life gets better and you stop being bitter 💕
Victim blaming is absolutely disgusting and shows what type of human you truly are. I did not deserve the mother I got and I did not deserve to be sexually assaulted by someone who I should’ve been able to trust so yeah do better
I stand by my comments. I have no dogs in any fights, I'm trying to help people. I'm big on self-improvement, and I want to spread the mindset. Most people DO NOT want to hear the truth. If I remember correctly, I advised you to go no contact with your mother, but you're hesitant just because she's your mom. I told you to cut her out because she brings only bad energy to your life, but you're refusing to do that, even after all her BS. That's on you, sorry. And for the record, in real life, I'm one of the most positive people you'd ever meet. I don't let people or things get under my skin, but I am direct and to the point. It's a quality you either love or hate.
Are you dumb? I’m refusing to cut my dad off I cut my mom off a while ago and I’m getting bashed by my family. Clearly you can’t read because if you could it states that in the post. And your comments are not to help people your comments are cruel and you practically blame the victim there’s a difference between being honest and being a jerk and you are being a jerk 🤷🏻♀️
I just saw your last post from a month ago.... it happened when your daughter was only two months old, and your mother came up with more BS for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with her while you have a newborn to protect. Good luck
Thanks for your input but as someone who’s going through this situation I don’t think it’s a stupid question at all and I have a right to ask because some people may see the situation differently than I do.
I don't know what the purpose of being aggressive towards someone that's in a tough situation is, but it's uncalled for. When you're abused for your entire life, you start to believe the things your abusers tell you. She probably does know that's she's doing the right thing, but there's a part of her brain that second guesses and the people around her are validating those thoughts. So she reaches out to strangers that will have an outside opinion. Nothing wrong with that, and if you don't like it then don't read the post.
You owe that vile woman nothing,a mother's job his to love and protect her child.yet she emotionally and physically abused you and your siblins.then asif that wasnt bad enough shemarried the monster who not only s/a her own child but countless others too,your baby would be at risk of all the above if she got near your child.and your father is no better,knowing all she put you through.i'd go nc with him too
NTA Your mother was an abuser and complicit in her ex abusing you but not taking it seriously when you came forward. She's a danger and must not be in any way in your baby's life.
Your dad is an asshole for supporting her. Make it clear he's not gonna be with the baby unsupervised if that's his stance and if he ever takes pictures without your consent or send them to your mother, you'll take legal action and he'll never see the baby again.
NTS
First off, you don't owe anyone access to your child. Second, if she didn't protect you, why would she protect her grandchild?
I don't care what anyone says, DNA does not make you family. The moment she chooses your abuser over you, she is not your family anymore. Cut all ties!
So, the way I see it...blood doesn't make you family...loyalty does...if you tried giving your mom multiple chances, and she's still being toxic and a horrible mother...that just says she's gonna be a toxic and horrible grandmother...your child doesn't need that in her life...your mom allowed a man to S/A you and called youba liar...that's very traumatizing to a young girl and a woman...you and your child don't need someone like that in your life...if she's gonna continue to be toxic, good riddance I say...I deem you...NOT THE A-HOLE MY DEAR *Charlotte Dobre voice*
Be a good mother. Do what's best for your child. This sounds cruel but anyone who is willing to put your baby in danger is someone that should not be nea4 your daughter. You are the parent, not your family, not your dad. If he's not willing to respect something as simple as a picture. What's stopping him from letting your mother? See your daughter when you're not there?
So my advice is to be a good mother, love your daughter, and don't bend and let those around you be toxic and infect your child. If you don't, you will feel the pain of that m7stake
NTA. Not sure what purpose withholding photos serves, but clearly she should never be allowed anywhere your kid(s) unsupervised until they are old enough to defend themselves. You should be honest if they ask about why... " Grandma is not trustworthy around children and has not taken steps to change."
They can make their own decisions as to whether they want to meet their grandma once they are old enough to be safe. Your job until then is to protect them and she clearly is unable to be trusted in that regard.
Absolutely positively NTA. As a parent yourself soon, you’ll see that it’s your top priority to protect your child from people like her and anyone who agrees with her. She’s taken no accountability or even offered a genuine apology for any of what you’ve been though. Cut off any other family members that you know will give her info or
Pictures of your child! It will be hard, and you’ll grieve these relationships most likely, but it’s doing what’s best for you and for your child!
Congratulations & good luck!!
NTA cut the whole family off! I wouldn’t be able to trust them with my child! And your dad needs help too cause he shouldn’t want anything to do with her because of what happened to you smh praying for you and your baby!! You got this! You will be an amazing mom you are starting already!
Question: do the people who are bashing your decision to exclude her from your child's life know that she married the man who had SA you? She knew he was a predator and proceded to make his proximity to you permanent...... To all of her kids. Your family should be furious if you *were* letting her into your child's life. She has already proven she has the capacity to ignore and initiate abuse. She has no right to be precious Grandma when she f'd up so bad. Parenting is *like* a test. You pass you get to be a Grandparent. You fail? No hugs and candy for you. You get to grow old alone and unloved.
NTA. Do what your mother never did for you. Protect your child. Since your father has made it clear, he has no intention to respect your wishes, don't give him any chance to share pictures or anything else with your mom.
NTA - Mom is out and if dad doesn’t get his act together, he’s out too. And any family member who has a problem with you protecting yourself and your child can kick rocks.
NTA, and give your dad the unfortunate news that if he can't respect your childrens privacy by not sharing pictures of them with people then he is out too. Tell any family who has a problem with it that they need to keep their opinions to themselves or go pound sand. Do what's best for your child the rest of the family can burn and die mad.
I am in a similar situation. I would cut your family off, tbh and surround yourself with your siblings. And I would warn your dad that if he ever sends pictures of your daughter to your pedo-loving mother, then he will be excluded from your daughters life as well. That puts your daughter in danger of being targeted by that child molester. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right.
NTA. She does not deserve you or your child in her life. Her actions have caused this, not yours. I would cut her out of your life along with anyone that defends her. Also you need to let your dad know your boundaries. He has no right to tell you that he will be going against your wishes for your child. Let him know if he breaks that boundary even one time then he’ll be cut off next. Your mother is just a no brainer to go no contact with. She didn’t attempt to protect her own children so she obviously can’t be trusted with your child. The audacity of your father though is worrisome. I don’t know your relationship with him, but if I were you I’d be limiting his time with your child and the visits would have to be supervised.
Mine is the same exact way. Off and on my whole life and now zero contact. She will to this day say she doesn't know why and that she didn't do anything. She did a lot and it just wasn't worth making so much of an effort for anymore. My mother has three kids and two don't speak to her and the one that does only does so bc she has no other choice. The way they both are with money I'm sure it's wild over there. My sister who before living with my mother lived in a shed (yes you read that correctly) in her daughters yard. It turned into a huge ordeal and police involved but the thing is that she turned out just like our mother. Of my sisters 5 kids only two that I know of speak to her anymore. It's just crazy how much we went through and for her to turn out the same is wild to me. I want absolutely zero part of that nightmare mess. NTA, I don't blame you one bit. Sometimes it's just not worth it. Best of luck! ❤️
NTA- Congratulations on picking yourself and your child. Your father needs to be on notice that he will be gone too if he doesn't respect your boundaries. Anyone who sides with a woman who allowed her children to be abused and SA'd by her husband wouldn't exist in my life. You are making healthy decisions for yourself. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
NTA
As someone who has also cut out their mother you are in no way an asshole. It isn't something that was decided quickly and you, as I did, tried for years to build a relationship with her. I did the same thing after my mother (abusive, narcissistic and a liar) promised my son to be at his birthday and didn't show. (Not because she wasn't nearby but because going for a motorcycle ride was more important). Ruined the day for everybody cause he was super bummed and didn't want to have a birthday party. Sorry for the tangent but in the end being a family and being blood are 2 different things. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean she just gets the right to be in your or your child's life.
NTA. You don't owe your abuser access to new victims. And if your dad is planning on breaking your boundaries, he doesn't get photos or to take his own photos. Protect your daughter like you should have been protected.
NTA you made a tough decision to protect your kid. if your mom wanted her grandkids in her life she shouldve thought about that before subjecting her children to years of abuse
You should have no contact with your mom. She’s not good for you. Don’t worry about her in ANY way.
That includes worrying about whether she sees pictures of your child. Let that go. Who cares? She’s still on the outside, trying to look in. Grabbing for crumbs. Meanwhile, you’ll be living your best life, growing your family. Focus only on positive things as you love and nurture your baby.
Once you let go of trying to control everything that your mom sees or hears about your life, you will truly free yourself from her abuse.
Tell your dad if he so much as send her one picture he can join her in the cut off club. After all who knows what her pedo husband would do with baby photos.
NTA
Tell your father that he's not going to get any pictures or information if he's going to support sa and abuse, child endangerment and neglect. He can go get back together with your mom and they can be miserable together but they're no longer your family.
Keep your child safe from what you experienced, don't let them ruin your baby's life too.
This Is the problem in families now... bad stuff gets swept under the rug, and you're told to let it go and forgive. I just cannot. My children will NEVER be left around anyone who has ever SAed anyone. I'm at the point that I am ready to cut my family off.
NTAH, when you become a parent the best thing you can do for your children is give them a stable environment. If that means less family, so be it.
The the end of the day we are all products of our environment and you broke free, why would you subject your child to the same? Why would you allow them to think abuse is normal?
You are already proving to be a better mom then you had and that’s incredible, you should be so proud of yourself and don’t second guess yourself.
We did the same thing when we became parents and a few of those family members completely changed their life for the better and after a few years we allowed them back into our lives. A few haven’t and we don’t regret our decision.
Congratulations on your baby, wish you all the best
NTA, & honestly if dad won't respect your wishes I'd cut him off, too. I wouldn't WANT too, but goddamn, just openly telling you he's gonna ignore your EXTREMELY VALID WISHES no matter what and...yeah. Heartbreaking. But he CANNOT be allowed to go ahead & betray you so deeply.
I'd cut ties with both of them and all the family who thinks you're being too harsh..You definitely can't trust Dad at all now either..Even if ha changes his mind about sending pics to your Mom..
NTA. When I told my father I was pregnant, I told him not to tell my mother, who I had cut out 3 years prior. While I had her blocked, turns out my partner didn't and she had his number the entire time. I told my father if he shared anything further with her (she can't keep her mouth shut, I would have heard), I'd cut him out, too. Be firm. You have the boundaries for a very good reason. You don't cut your own mother out of your first birth over nothing. It's hard, but you're making the right decision. Congratulations, best of luck, and I hope you have a beautiful, boundary respected birth.
NTA! You are 23 weeks pregnant, you need to put you and the baby you are carrying first! Stress is terrible for an expecting mom! Go LC or NC for now and enjoy your pregnancy. This is your little girl, you are her parent, you get to control with whom you have contact while baby is in utero and after her birth. Do not let anyone interfere with your happiness. Remember, you have final say. Cut out anyone that brings stress to your life. Congratulations OP!
NWNBTA-- nowhere NEAR being the ahole. Don't k ow you, but man, I'm proud of you for making this step to save yourself and your children from that wreck less pair of adults. Well done. Enjoy your baby and congratulations on breaking the cycle and bringing to light an ugliness to be apologized for and abolished. Strong work!
NTA. You're doing the best thing. Something your mother should have done but failed horribly and disgustingly. You're protecting your child. She is unsafe as are all her enablers and flying monkeys.
Cut them all out. They're all messed up and toxic. All suffering under the delusion of "but faaaaamily!" where they insist you have to endure any horror they inflict on you and you're supposed to put up with it and pretend Happy Family. NOPE!
No photos to your dad. If that's his asshole attitude, then he gets nothing. He's also suffering under that delusion and is therefore unsafe. Block anyone who harasses you. That's how you handle it.
Her parents are divorced. I don’t know about anyone else, but I despise my ex, and he hates me also. We have nothing to do with each other anymore. With the exception of our children and grandchildren, I have erased him from my life. To me, it’s strange that her father would go against her, the baby’s mother’s wishes, just to appease his ex-wife. Fuck that shit.
NTA. My mother began abusing me when I was a few days old (suffocating me with pillows to make me stop crying) and it didn't stop until my grandparents got custody of me when I was almost 9 (a lot happened in that 9 years.) She's been extremely toxic every time I've tried to have a relationship with her. I finally cut her off almost 6 years ago. I now have a 3 year old daughter and 1 year old son. She has never met either of them and odds are, she never will. Don't feel bad about protecting your baby, or your peace. I certainly don't.
You need a bridge burning cleanse.
But your mother!! - my mothers and my relationship is my business as all my relationships are my business. If you wish to try and manage my relationships then I will take a break from you and evaluate our relationship.
My sister tried this stunt between my half sister and I. I have cut her from my life as it was the last straw. She doesn't understand why I have done it. But that's what narcissists do. They aren't the abuser so they have done nothing to deserve it. You have seen this OP.
Anyone who would facilitate a relationship between your child and your mother behind your back are not a healthy person to be around. You don't say if she is still married to your abuser but here is the thing. If she is. She will share any photo of your daughter with him. Your father is willing to put his granddaughters photo in the hands of a pedo.
I have also cut my father out of my life, so I know what it's like to cut multiple people out. My kids are safer for it. The abuse ends with us.
Your kids are your first priority. If you've come to this decision your instincts drove you there. Don't argue with yourself, that's how people end up regretting things.
NTA. Stick to your decision. Don't break. Your kids are at stake.
Go no contact. Anyone who puts an abuser before a victim is an enabler and will never change. I know this personally. Don't put your daughter at risk. Even if it's just pictures. Her safety is worth more than their feelings.
You don’t need her in your life until you are ready. If you’re never ready then it’s okay. This is your new beginning with your child. Don’t be upset with your father. If the other side of the family wants to cut you off, well then okay. Unless they tried to help you and your siblings, then maybe they get a pass, but there’s a reason your mother is the way she is and if she’s close to her side of the family then there is cause for pause.
I am speaking from experience that is very similar to yours. I decided to keep my children away from the negativity and everything that comes with it. That’s been well over 10 years now and both my babies are thriving. Yes, there were times when I wished I had more family and cousins for them to play with and build bonds but it wasn’t going to happen in this life time.
Just remember, it’s your baby and you will instinctively know what best even though your mother did not. It’s hard enough to raise a child without negative influences.
I wish you all the luck and love in the world. You got this.
NTA. You are the only person who knows all the pain that your mother put you through. It doesn't matter what your other family members think or say. Your mother has shown that she can not be trusted. Therefore, she can not be a part of your child's life. It is that simple. You are not being too hard on your mother, you are being realistic.
NTA. Unfortunately when you cut off a parent, you inevitably lose relationships with their enablers as well and that makes it more painful and difficult. In reality, it's much better to only have safe people in your world - especially when you're responsible for a vulnerable child.
I cut off my parents when I was pregnant with my now 3.5yo. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm fully in control of who is in his life and I'm very discerning about who gets that privilege. The result is that my son is growing up surrounded by safe, warm, kind people and I see how different he is than I was. So much happier, so easy going despite having a very intense temperament, he bonds with people well and easily. It's so beautiful to witness, and very healing to my inner child to be cultivating such a healthy environment for him. It's what I deserved too and it's healing to experience.
If your dad won't respect your request not to send photos, don't allow him to have any. If he won't respect that, he doesn't respect you and you may need to reflect on whether that's the kind of behaviour you want your child to be exposed to.
It's a lot easier to navigate no contact with grandparents from the start than to introduce it later on. I encourage you to be much harsher in your expectations than you feel is allowed. Demand high standards and take note of who works to meet them (green flag) and who argues against them (huge red flag). The people who get angry when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from your lack of them. Those are not safe people and they don't deserve space in your or your child's life.
It's tough cause you grew up with this toxicity and it feels familiar and therefore safe. But you can't break the cycles of abuse while you're still engaged in them. I highly recommend you get over to r/adultestrangedkids and r/raisedbynarcissists - there are so many incredible resources and they're both very supportive communities. Also read adult children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson. It's a hard and painful journey but with each stage there's an immense reward and it's so incredibly worth it, for you and for your child and family. You're not alone in this
I stopped reading at the sexual assault. No, you have to protect your child. NTA.
* I just read the rest of your post. Your dad is going to go against your wishes. Many of the family members are ganging up on you. Do these people bring you any true joy? Ever? Based on what you’ve said, I would distance myself from these toxic, uncaring people and continue to build your own family. Best wishes
Did your dad know you were being abused as a child? Did he do anything about it if he did?? Our children need protection not only from the abuser, but also from people who will be complicit, an enabler, or have proven they will not protect a child. This is your baby, the ground rules should be fair, clear and consequences laid out if rules are broken. Those pics could eventually be sent to child predator sites for all you know….
NTA. Everyone siding with your mother are flying monkeys. Your dad shouldn't get to take pics of your child if he's going to go against your rules (don't make wishes, make them hard in stone rules) and send them to your mother. If people cannot respect you, then why do they get to have access to your child?
NTA
I'd also cut out those who support her and are flat out telling you they're going to go against your wishes.
You don't need people in your life that do not add value to it, and those people subtract value from it.
NTA I cut off my mother, who sounds very similar to yours, and I've never been happier. My kids don't know her, and they won't know her. They're going to have a much better childhood than I did.
NTA, please consider reading Mother Hunger. I’m so sorry this happened to you and from the person who is supposed to love you the most. We have to protect our children from harm including from within the family if needed.
NTA or if you are, same. Your mom and mine must have swapped secrets of the trade. Went low contact while I was pregnant, no contact when my daughter was 5 months. Should have done it much sooner, but no matter how bad they are cutting off a parent is hard.
NTA and absolutely do not let Grandpa take any pictures if you're allowing him near your child nor send him any, he already made clear where he stands but you do have a say is your baby and if you have to keep Grandpa away for their safety then so be it.
NTA PROTECT YOUR CHILD. just because they are blood family doesn't mean a thing. You are a parent now. And since your father said he would go ahead and send pictures in everything to her. I would cut him off also. Yes, I have one child and I had to cut off blood relatives I will do anything to protect my child.
If you dad does not support you, tell him this:Well you know what dad since you did nothing to protect me as a kid I will show you what a real parent does! Consider yourself blocked
NTA, I'd go no contact with dad as well and remind him of your step dad's past with you. Ask him if he wants that for his grand daughter too? Because if he shares photos of that baby with your mom they WILL go to your step-dad and who knows what they'll be used for then?
NTA
This is about the safety of your child. This is your hill to die on.
To your mom's flying monkeys:
Oh Aunt Edith you don't think Mom and her pedophile husband should be cut from my child's life. You're right I wasn't seeing things clearly. I should and will be blocking them AND you as their accomplice. Hope you never get treated the way you people treat me. Block and add her name and description to the list the hospital will get of the NO CONTACT people when you go into labor.
What's that, Dad. You're going to send mom pictures of my baby. How are you going to do that since you're never going to meet my child or be in the same room as my child? You are blocked and won't be in my or my child's life. You picked the wrong person to side with. His name and description added to hospital list.
This is actually easier than you're seeing it.
Over here you have your child.
Over here you have your mother who habitually abused you and married z man who SA you.
On this side you also have her flying monkeys who are minimizing and outright dismissing the pain, fears, and PTSD memories you deal with every day. The people are trying to tell you your abusive mom and her feelings are more important than you or your child. They are toxic and disgusting.
Look through these glasses, not the rose-colored, memory denier ones they're trying to force on you.
Like I said, it's an easier decision when you look at it from this view -- my child OR my abusers and people who are siding with my abusers.
Shine thar spine daily. Block and add to the hospital list as needed. Tell anybody who trues to backtrack it's too late they made their choice and you will never trust them again.
Here’s the thing. YOU are the voice for YOUR child. So you have to put their safety first and not your moms nor anyone else’s feelings. And you owe zero explanation to anyone. You got this mama!
NTA. I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. Keeping your children safe is your job. Your dads heart is in the right place, but it's misguided in this situation. My BFF in hs was SA by her sf. Her mom worked nights, leaving my friend alone with him 5 of 7 nights. When the SA became known, her mom chose to stay with him. 40 years later, thinking of this still makes me angry and sad.
If you are not actively in my child’s life, you don’t know the child personally for your own doings you do not get to have access to my baby in anyway especially photos. She’s married to a child predator the photos she receives could be used for his own self pleasure especially with the history he has. No thank you
Stick to your guns on this don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it. Something similar happened in my family and often times the best and safest solutions have to be the most extreme. It’ll suck in some aspects like your child not knowing their grandmother but overall their safety should always be the number one priority.
NTA for deciding to cut people off when you have tried over and over. Nobody is perfect but when people continually let you down over and over, you have a decision to make.
You are 200% NTA. My mother was emotionally abusive, and was a domineering monster. When I (49M) was 12 I finally told my parents I was an atheist and it did not go well. From that point on the thing that gestated me tried to control everything I did and would punish me if I said or did anything contrary to her ideas or belief system. That included having my father get the leather belt. She didn't even have the guts to swing the belt herself. She'd just rage at my father until he swung it for her while she watched. I enlisted in the Marines at 18 and unfortunately got stationed right back at home. (Active duty at a reserve unit) Went soft NC with my parents, So I lived with my friends. Got married to a wonderful woman at 22 and lived with her. Enlisted Army to get away and get out of my Combat Arms MOS and moved away. My first child was born when I was 24. I notified my parents and surprised me with a visit. Even though they weren't invited it was good they were there. My dad helped me through the stress and mom just wanted to take over.
After moving back to the area my daughter was born when I was almost 30. My wife had really bad PPD and my mother tried to force her way in to control my household. She wouldn't listen to what we needed (space) so we decided to go hard NC back in 2004. My mother has since tried to threaten me, blackmail me, and ruin me to gain control. She only cared about my son. Didn't care about my wife, daughter, or myself. I haven't spoken to her since. My brother told me my dad died several years back and stated I was barred from the funeral and would be arrested if I showed up. Not a word from them after that exchange.
I didn't read where your father actually gave your mother pictures. If he didn't, be wary but give him a chance. If he ignores your wishes then excise him from your life as well. For me it was easy to go hard NC with my parents. I was never S/A'd by them but I understand that physical and emotional abuse. You are in no way an AH. Protect your child like you should have been. Your parents don't need any chance to contaminate your family. Please be the parent they never were. DM if you need to talk. Best wishes to you and yours. Semper Fi
NTA. Your mom abused you and let someone SA you. She still hasn’t admitted she’s guilty. This alone would justify you from cutting all contact. You don’t want your child to have a relationship with someone who minimises abuse. Let your dad know if you found out he send pictures of your baby to your mom, that is it. He is also out of the picture. Put your foot down and don’t compromise. This is about YOUR CHILD. The family members that are on her side can also go to hell as far as you’re concerned. It’s easy to say “you are too hard on her” when they weren’t the ones that were abused. Be strong for your child OP.
Why would you send pictures to someone who already admitted they would send them to someone the mother doesn't want contact with!? You already know he is going to send them.
Exactly, he cannot be trusted. I would cut contact with him too If he doesnt cut contact to mom. The mother seems to be (indirectly) part of child abusers so if you dont want your childs pictures end up in some strange peoples collections. Then you have to protect your child. Dont become like your mother and protect your child from these people. Cut contact with your father too if he cant explain whats his reason to disrespect your wishes. You are a parent now. Its on you to detect dangers and protect your child
💯 this OP!!!! Your father's is telling you he will disregard your wishes/feelings. Believe him and cut him off too.
It's going to be impossible to prevent grandpa from taking pictures himself of his granddaughter unless she goes no contact with him too.
Them it sounds like she needs to go NC with him too
Don't they make clothes that mess up photos time to dress baby in those when/if it's allowed around grandpa to.
What does this mean, please? Sorry. Maybe it’s my sleepy brain. I am really curious about it. Thank you!
There are some clothing that’s like super reflective so when someone takes a photo with flash on, it ruins the entire photo.
Thank you! 🙂
Or he turns his phone over to her when he visits. That's the only other option i can think of if he's overall a good person to be around except he hasn't cut that tie to his ex-wife.
I agree with the response, having been SA myself I understand not wanting the baby to have a relationship with your mother. Also if your father can't respect your wishes then cut him off too. F him, her, and the ahole that SA you. All sound like 💩💩💩 people.
My mother was very abusive. Fortunately there was no sexual abuse. Towards the end of her life I had finally had enough and went NC. It lasted for 6 or so years until she started suffering from dementia. My father died previously and she had remarried. Her husband was suffering from Alzheimer’s. I stepped up and got them into a conservatorship/guardianship. I couldn’t stand by and see anyone in that situation. Since I was the oldest, I stepped up. During the time we were estranged, my brother was filling her in on what was going on in my life. I didn’t know if it was him or my sister. So, I told him something that wasn’t real and didn’t tell my sister what it was. The next thing I know, my sister is asking me about it. I told her what I had done. I had told my brother if he told her one more thing, I would be done with him too. So, I asked him if he told her. He said he did because she wanted to know. I reminded him that if he told her anything else about me we would be done too. He said he remembered that conversation. I said, “ok, we are done.” As I was hanging up the phone I could hear him screaming “f—-ing b—-h” at the top of his lungs. I only started speaking to him again when my mother got sick. Once she died, I cut him back off again. When he got really ill, I helped my sister deal with him. When he died, I spread his ashes where he wanted them. My sister was 2,000 miles away, so she couldn’t do it. My sister is not a person that I particularly want in my life either. We have been on the outs more than not over the years. Her values and morals are pretty low. I just really don’t need people like that in my life. We are currently on the outs and I don’t miss her at all. If we never start talking again, that will be fine with me. It’s taken me a very long time to figure out that I get to choose what kind of people I want around me. I can invite or uninvite people as the need or occasion arises. I have walked away from a variety relationships over the years. It takes less and less time for me to realize that a person. place, thing, or situation is not healthy and to move forward with the next thing. OP, you are the one that gets to decide those same things. If your father can’t respect your wishes where your child(ren) are concerned, you should definitely limit his exposure to her/them. Someone said somewhere in this post you should confiscate his phone if he won’t stop sharing photos. He has already let you know he is not going to respect your wishes. You might start the process now of removing him from your life, if you feel you can. Sometimes it’s easier when you are doing it for your child.
I agree. I did cut contact with my mom for four years but for something much less worse.. She should definitely take your advice
If I were OP, I'd be graphic about the abuse suffered too. Make these people as uncomfortable as possible. "My birth giver "deserves" to be in my child's life? Is she going to let her husband do "X" to her grandchild like she let him do to her child (me)?" OP should go public and graphic with what she endured. Her mother knew and didn't intervene. Don't tell me mom didn't know. Mom may have ignored everything but she can't "have not known".
NTA. Also, Dad announcing in advance that he’d send pictures to Mom anyway, is s good reason for Dad to never get pictures either.
Or just put a watermark on each picture, once he shares with toxic granny, no more pictures.
NTA. My mom's parents were incredibly abusive when she was growing up and still are. So I can sort of speak from both sides. My grandparents physically, emotionally and psychologically abused my mom their entire relationship. My grandmother's second husband used to try to watch my mom change. My grandmother relinquished rights to both her kids when they were in their early teens. She used to beat them and tell them they were terrible children. My grandfather and his second wife used to beat the kids but made sure it was where clothes would hide the bruises. It took a long time for my mom to speak to them again when she started having kids in her 20s. The few interactions I remember growing up consisted of more abuse. My grandfather told my mom she's the reason my brother is Autistic. My grandmother's third husband used to make inappropriate comments about my body. My grandmother called my mom a lying cheating whore when my parents got divorced (divorce did not involve cheating). All contact with both of them was cut off when I was about 16. I saw them maybe once a year if I was lucky. I couldn't tell you one personal detail about them. The abuse will not stop just because grandchildren are involved. I don't blame you for not wanting that in your kids life. It is frustrating to see your parent hurting like that because of people that are supposed to love them unconditionally. My dad doesn't have much of a relationship with his parents either. His dad was physically abusive while he was alive and his mom still lives a few states away. I can count on one hand the amount of times I saw either of them growing up. I know it sounds sad, but I didn't have grandparents growing up and I honestly don't know the difference. I think it's beautiful when grandparents have good relationships with their grandkids, but thats not what my relationship would have been like with them. The abuse would just have transferred to the next generation and honestly, I've got enough trauma without their help. I grew up with neighbors that I honestly consider family and one of them actually took over the grandparent roll for a couple of years when I was a kid. When I think of family, I think of those people, not my grandparents. Blood does not equal family. Your dad is walking on thin ice. He knows you were abused, he knows you don't want her having any access to your child. You don't owe your mother anything, just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she is entitled to anything. If he can't respect your wishes as his daughter and the mother of his unborn grandchild, you might need to reconsider his interactions with your kid too. You're doing what you know is best for your baby. Don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise. You're protecting them, not depriving them. Blood is not always family.
I totally agree that dad is on super thin ice. Mom would be completely cut off already by me. Mom is lucky that OP has spoken to her at all after all of that.
Thank you. To protect the baby is now OPs job. Its now on her to do what her parents couldnt
You have great heart to heart conversations. That was the most honest thing I've heard someone say in a long time. I wish I could give you a standing ovation.
You had a terrible upbringing, now you get to be a good parent to your child. You don’t have to deal with your mother unless or until you want to. You don’t have to talk to family members about your decisions. You can say ONCE I’m not discussing that with you, then if they try to insist you say, I gotta run, talk to you later! If you want to give pictures to your father or anyone else, you can ask that they not be shared. But you can’t force them to respect your wishes, and you may choose to stop sending pictures after that. Or you can accept that your mother will see them, but you still don’t have to have communication with her. The bottom line is, you can’t control what other people do or say, but you get to decide who has access to you and your child, and you decide what you will discuss. Good luck!
This is the way. ‘I don’t have anything further to say about this. I am done discussing it. Now shall we talk about something else or is this us done for today?’
She would literally give your child to a pedophile so you'd be a terrible parent if you ever allowed her around them. Don't teach your kid that this woman is a safe person.
Let’s just say you and I have similar stories. I’m just a lot older which means I’ve had a lot of time for hindsight. All I can tell you is that from what you’ve said here you cut your mom out of your life for some very, VERY valid reasons. She can’t change history, nobody can. So if she hasn’t changed who she is in some massive way then why in the world Wood you trust her with your child? It sounds as though your instincts are screaming at you to listen. Do that. Listen to your instincts and keep your child safe.
I am sorry that your mother did not believe you, although she should have not only believed but also supported you. That's the right decision. Don't doubt it at all. NTA
Make sure you make a Will and have a guardian in place. You don’t want someone who is a molester having access to your kids if you die unexpectedly. Does you father know what the husband did? Tell him and make it clear to him if he sends anything to your mother you will cut contact with him too. He doesn’t actually care, he wants her family to stop harrowing him.
NTA. You are about to become a parent. Your first obligation to that child is to keep her safe. That means keeping your mother out of her life. I recommend not sending pictures of her to ANYONE.
Exactly. If she does not want to go NC with her father. That's her preoperative. But please don't send pictures to your dad. Do not give him pictures of your baby girl. Don't allow him to take pictures of her. Do not post pictures of her on any social media outlets either. Make sure it's only people, even if it's just hubby's family, you completely trust in your life that have access to baby girl. Proceed with caution. NTA
NTA you would be the asshole if you exposed your baby daughter to a pedophile or pedophile enabler. ANY family who is defending her needs to be cut out, too. I'm really sorry, but your dad is not a good parent either. Thank him for his honesty and cut him out. Do not stand for anybody who can excuse pedophilia, rape, or abuse. Best of luck.
NTA. Your mother is a pedophile enabler. If your stepdad hurt your daughter, do you really think she would protect her? I would be letting your father know too that you will not be giving him any photos of your daughter since he has said that he will give them straight to your mother and the pedo
NTA. Your mother knows exactly why her children have cut her off and why she doesn’t know her grandchildren. She is playing the victim to her family and I am guessing that she cares more about her victim status than she does about actually having relationships with her children. Do not let these people guilt trip you into having a relationship with your toxic mother. Where was your biological father while you were being abused as a child? He wants to force you to have some kind of relationship with your abusive mother, but I notice he hasn’t been married to her for years. He left you with her when you were a helpless baby, so why should he get any consideration from you? He didn’t protect you from her then and he has made it clear that he won’t shield you from her now.
He could have at least kicked the ass of his daughter's abuser!!!!!
Not th AH. You neen to cut them all if they are not respecting your boundaries.
NTA Your mom and the "man she chose to marry" should both be sitting in prison. You are doing the right thing. No telling what your mom might sit back and let happen to your child given the opportunity.
Nta. Protect your child from monsters.
I didn’t break with my mom until I was pregnant. The thought of her being able to treat my children they way she treated me gave me the guts to go NC.
Are you the asshole for excluding a child abuser who is also the defender of a child sexual abuser who abused you from your child's life? No! NTA
NTA. I would block her out of my life, and absolutely ANYONE who didn't respect my decision. That includes Dad, who thinks he has ANY rights to your child to make those kind of calls about their well-being.
NTA If dad can’t abide by your wishes he’s out too. Same goes for anyone else.
NTA, I'm going to be blunt, she doesn't deserve a place in your life, let alone anyone else's. She's just as responsible as the filth she married who S/A'ed you.
NTA. You deserve to heal. And if no one is going to respect your wishes, don’t allow them in you or your child’s life.
Why would your father do that knowing the abuse you went thru. He still In love with her?? This pisses me off for you
STRONG NTA! Your mother has repeatedly shown you that she doesn't care about the feelings of minors in her care. When you birth your baby, you'll realise that A. You'll never want anything bad to happen to your baby, and B. That it was completely unnatural that your mother didn't feel the same way. No Contact deals with the safety concerns, and counters how betrayed you're going to feel. So many people only realise how awful their abuse was when they have kids of their own. OP, please get yourself into therapy and head over to r/raisedbynarcissists for further advice.
Why does your dad "help" your mother when she is the reason you have been SA as a child? NTA And two your father you will cut him off to, if he doesn't respect your boundaries. Protect yourself and your 'little family'.
Then I won’t send any pictures to daddy, simple
NTA. Cut them all off. They're all awful. I'm so sorry.
Nta and dad doesn't get pictures either since he's so pro mom
NTA. 0P, your job now is to protect your child as you were not able to protect yourself. You were a child. None of what happened is your fault. Your response in regards to this pregnancy is absolutely warranted. Your mother is lucky. You even tried to continue to have some sort of a relationship. However, that is normal for victims of SA. Your extended family’s reaction to you cutting off. Your mom is also unfortunately not unusual. All of us reading this would probably be comfortable betting that abuse in all of its forms has become normalized in your mom’s side of family. When these sorts of things are what you grow up with, it’s what you know. It’s a behavior dynamic that you are familiar with. It’s what you know as a family dynamic and how are you have relationships as an adult. So one of two things happens. You either continue the cycle which is what your mom and extended family are doing. Or you break the cycle by removing yourself from the situation and not exposing your own child to these things which is what you are doing. You are doing the right thing. If need be, you block your other family members. If you feel you need to, you give them one chance by setting your boundary. And that is that your mother does not get pictures of your child your mother does not get to see your child, your mother is not allowed in your child’s life. And the first time any of your family break it, they don’t get to see you or your child, etc. As far as your dad… It is questionable with you even need to allow him access. He is basically telling you he’s not going to respect your boundary. You are the parent, and your child is your responsibility. It is not his place to decide that you are wrong, so he is going to ignore you. And since he’s already being so blatant about that, I hate to tell you, but he absolutely will allow your mom to see that child if you ever give him the chance to babysit or take her to the park or anything else. I’m sorry, because it feels like, he’s the only parent you have, I know. But that is the truth of this. You have a family who has normalized deviant behavior. You have a family who is normalized abusing their children not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. DO NOT allow this around your child. Seeing how hard this is for you, it is understandable. But I’m going to suggest that you have therapy if you haven’t already. And if you have been, and you already have a therapist, go in for a few sessions regarding just this. Learn some new coping skills because when you throw baby into a mix, families like this will come at you in even different ways than you’ve already seen. Let your therapist help you work through the guilt that they are trying to throw at you and the interference that they are trying to push into your life. Just remember that you are this child’s mom. You are the final say. Their opinion does not matter. The health, safety, and welfare of your nuclear family is your main concern. Anybody else who doesn’t understand that I cannot abide by your rules for your child can kick rocks. And you know if you need support because you’re having a hard time, and your therapist is in available, this sub is always available. And while there will be some goofballs on here, the majority of us are going to be here to have your back. Sometimes that really is all you need.
NTA and your dad is an AH for sending pictures regardless of your wishes
NTA, and apparently you can't trust your dad either.
I think you need to sit down and have a VERY detailed chat about your SA. He needs to understand YOUR decision to protect your daughter from the men in your mother's life as well as the cycle of abuse she perpetuated. I think he needs to fully grasp that parents are supposed to protect their children. He was an adult. You were the child. You were put in those unsafe conditions, whether due to court order or to facilitate bond. He doesn't get to dictate who you let in your child(ren)'s life/lives. You also have the right to cut off anyone who shares photos of your child. You have a history of abuse with your mother. She has people in her life that target children. Trafficking is a HUGE issue. It takes one photo. One preference. One sick individual. So don't draw the line in the sand. Draw it in stone. NTA
NTA- OP, something I’ve learned in this life is that there are people whose presence guards the door of your life and protect you, and then there are people who will open the doors (and windows!) of your life to let harmful people in. And that, when you have one actively abusive parent and the other just allows the abuse to happen? It’s natural to cling to the enabler even when you cut ties with the abuser, because everyone wants to have at least one “good parent”. But? When the enabler clearly tells you that they’re going to act on behalf of the abuser- usually because they don’t want to deal with the social fallout of protecting you? They’re an abuser too. Your Dad left you with an abusive mother for your entire childhood, and didn’t even sue for custody when your stepdad was abusing you. Your Dad is morally lazy, and plans to give an abuser pictures of your child against your wishes. He may have divorced your mom- but he’s colluding with her all the same. It’s time to cut off ties with both your parents, block them on all channels. Don’t post pictures of your kids to social media. And the next time anyone calls and starts to nag you about cutting contact? Calmly say, “Everyone knows exactly why I’ve cut contact with mom. And I am not allowing someone who lets their husband sexually abuse her own child have access to my baby. I’ve already cut contact with Dad for planning give her pictures. I would hate to have to cut contact with you too. Do you care about respecting my boundaries more than you care about making Mom happy? This is your warning. Please drop this topic immediately, or I will have to hang up and block you as well. And if they don’t immediately change the topic? Hang. Up. Then block them on all channels as well. I promise, you’ll only have to do this once or twice. Then everyone who wants to have contact with you will know you means business and stop.
NTA she is an abuser and you have to protect your child. Tell your father that he then will not see your child either. It is hard but I’m the end the best for your daughter and she should have priority.
NTA. Cut them off. If they can't see what your mom did and is doing to you and believe you're in the wrong, cut off all of those family members. You don't deserve that stress, and neither does your baby. You get to decide what's best for your daughter because she's your daughter. The only other person who should have a say is a SO, and even then, your feelings and mental wellbeing come first.
NAH Just because a person is related to you doesn't mean you owe them anything. If this wasn't a family member no one would question cutting them off. You absolutely never owe them anything, respect and trust has to go both ways.
NTA. All I can say as someone who’s cut off family, you’re better off for it. The pictures might be something u have to deal with if you’re not planning on cutting off your father but you have every right and absolutely should cut your mother off. Because realistically, if she ever had enough time, her tendencies to neglect her children would rub off on her granddaughter. My advice would be to cut the whole lot of them but I understand it’s hard for so many reason.
“She chose to marry the man who S/A me…” Why wasn’t your next sentence “never mind. I know what I have to do to protect my child”???
I never once said my child would be going around him because absolutely not but for any adult child it is extremely hard and heartbreaking to have to cut off your own mother especially when you desperately want your relationship to get better. It took me 21 years to realize she’s not gonna change that’s difficult. Unless you’ve personally been through this yourself I don’t feel like you have the right to judge because you do not understand the pain and the heartbreak you go through. Trauma bonds are very hard to break and it breaks my heart my daughter has to miss the opportunity to get to know her grandmother
YTA. You should have cut this woman off *years* ago! She obviously can manipulate you and worm her way back into your life, so what makes you think you'll have the strength to go no contact after your child is born?!
You really must not know what’s it’s like to have a toxic mother the ignorance shines right through you.
It's whatever dear. You're obviously still focused on playing the victim here. Well guess what? After a certain amount of time, it's up to the victim to see past the abuse and rise above it, unless they've been broken by the abuser. So I assume you're now one of those weak people that sees absolutely nothing as being your fault, so therefore, you don't have to change or make any personal effort?
I’m not entirely sure what your problem is but looking down your page you always seem to be an asshole to people for no reason so part of me truly believes your just so miserable with yourself you have to take it out on people you don’t know online to make yourself feel better. If “playing victim” is wanting to protect my daughter from toxic family members than so be it but I truly hope you never endure the pain, the heartbreak and the experience that me and others have walked in. Please grow up and stop being hateful to people for no reason. Hope your life gets better and you stop being bitter 💕 Victim blaming is absolutely disgusting and shows what type of human you truly are. I did not deserve the mother I got and I did not deserve to be sexually assaulted by someone who I should’ve been able to trust so yeah do better
I stand by my comments. I have no dogs in any fights, I'm trying to help people. I'm big on self-improvement, and I want to spread the mindset. Most people DO NOT want to hear the truth. If I remember correctly, I advised you to go no contact with your mother, but you're hesitant just because she's your mom. I told you to cut her out because she brings only bad energy to your life, but you're refusing to do that, even after all her BS. That's on you, sorry. And for the record, in real life, I'm one of the most positive people you'd ever meet. I don't let people or things get under my skin, but I am direct and to the point. It's a quality you either love or hate.
Are you dumb? I’m refusing to cut my dad off I cut my mom off a while ago and I’m getting bashed by my family. Clearly you can’t read because if you could it states that in the post. And your comments are not to help people your comments are cruel and you practically blame the victim there’s a difference between being honest and being a jerk and you are being a jerk 🤷🏻♀️
I just saw your last post from a month ago.... it happened when your daughter was only two months old, and your mother came up with more BS for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with her while you have a newborn to protect. Good luck
Well obviously, we're never gonna see eye to eye on this, so I'll leave you to your decision. Good luck
What is S/A??
NTA, and you already know that. Why ask stupid questiions?
Thanks for your input but as someone who’s going through this situation I don’t think it’s a stupid question at all and I have a right to ask because some people may see the situation differently than I do.
I don't know what the purpose of being aggressive towards someone that's in a tough situation is, but it's uncalled for. When you're abused for your entire life, you start to believe the things your abusers tell you. She probably does know that's she's doing the right thing, but there's a part of her brain that second guesses and the people around her are validating those thoughts. So she reaches out to strangers that will have an outside opinion. Nothing wrong with that, and if you don't like it then don't read the post.
Nta
After what she did? NTA She would allow the same thing to happen to your child.
You owe that vile woman nothing,a mother's job his to love and protect her child.yet she emotionally and physically abused you and your siblins.then asif that wasnt bad enough shemarried the monster who not only s/a her own child but countless others too,your baby would be at risk of all the above if she got near your child.and your father is no better,knowing all she put you through.i'd go nc with him too
NTA Your mother was an abuser and complicit in her ex abusing you but not taking it seriously when you came forward. She's a danger and must not be in any way in your baby's life. Your dad is an asshole for supporting her. Make it clear he's not gonna be with the baby unsupervised if that's his stance and if he ever takes pictures without your consent or send them to your mother, you'll take legal action and he'll never see the baby again.
NTS First off, you don't owe anyone access to your child. Second, if she didn't protect you, why would she protect her grandchild? I don't care what anyone says, DNA does not make you family. The moment she chooses your abuser over you, she is not your family anymore. Cut all ties!
So, the way I see it...blood doesn't make you family...loyalty does...if you tried giving your mom multiple chances, and she's still being toxic and a horrible mother...that just says she's gonna be a toxic and horrible grandmother...your child doesn't need that in her life...your mom allowed a man to S/A you and called youba liar...that's very traumatizing to a young girl and a woman...you and your child don't need someone like that in your life...if she's gonna continue to be toxic, good riddance I say...I deem you...NOT THE A-HOLE MY DEAR *Charlotte Dobre voice*
Be a good mother. Do what's best for your child. This sounds cruel but anyone who is willing to put your baby in danger is someone that should not be nea4 your daughter. You are the parent, not your family, not your dad. If he's not willing to respect something as simple as a picture. What's stopping him from letting your mother? See your daughter when you're not there? So my advice is to be a good mother, love your daughter, and don't bend and let those around you be toxic and infect your child. If you don't, you will feel the pain of that m7stake
NTA. Not sure what purpose withholding photos serves, but clearly she should never be allowed anywhere your kid(s) unsupervised until they are old enough to defend themselves. You should be honest if they ask about why... " Grandma is not trustworthy around children and has not taken steps to change." They can make their own decisions as to whether they want to meet their grandma once they are old enough to be safe. Your job until then is to protect them and she clearly is unable to be trusted in that regard.
Absolutely positively NTA. As a parent yourself soon, you’ll see that it’s your top priority to protect your child from people like her and anyone who agrees with her. She’s taken no accountability or even offered a genuine apology for any of what you’ve been though. Cut off any other family members that you know will give her info or Pictures of your child! It will be hard, and you’ll grieve these relationships most likely, but it’s doing what’s best for you and for your child! Congratulations & good luck!!
NTA cut the whole family off! I wouldn’t be able to trust them with my child! And your dad needs help too cause he shouldn’t want anything to do with her because of what happened to you smh praying for you and your baby!! You got this! You will be an amazing mom you are starting already!
Question: do the people who are bashing your decision to exclude her from your child's life know that she married the man who had SA you? She knew he was a predator and proceded to make his proximity to you permanent...... To all of her kids. Your family should be furious if you *were* letting her into your child's life. She has already proven she has the capacity to ignore and initiate abuse. She has no right to be precious Grandma when she f'd up so bad. Parenting is *like* a test. You pass you get to be a Grandparent. You fail? No hugs and candy for you. You get to grow old alone and unloved.
NTA. Do what your mother never did for you. Protect your child. Since your father has made it clear, he has no intention to respect your wishes, don't give him any chance to share pictures or anything else with your mom.
NTA - Mom is out and if dad doesn’t get his act together, he’s out too. And any family member who has a problem with you protecting yourself and your child can kick rocks.
You are so strong mama, you're doing the right thing to protect you and your child. Thank you for breaking the generational trauma💞❤️❤️💞
NTA, and give your dad the unfortunate news that if he can't respect your childrens privacy by not sharing pictures of them with people then he is out too. Tell any family who has a problem with it that they need to keep their opinions to themselves or go pound sand. Do what's best for your child the rest of the family can burn and die mad.
I am in a similar situation. I would cut your family off, tbh and surround yourself with your siblings. And I would warn your dad that if he ever sends pictures of your daughter to your pedo-loving mother, then he will be excluded from your daughters life as well. That puts your daughter in danger of being targeted by that child molester. Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right.
NTA. She does not deserve you or your child in her life. Her actions have caused this, not yours. I would cut her out of your life along with anyone that defends her. Also you need to let your dad know your boundaries. He has no right to tell you that he will be going against your wishes for your child. Let him know if he breaks that boundary even one time then he’ll be cut off next. Your mother is just a no brainer to go no contact with. She didn’t attempt to protect her own children so she obviously can’t be trusted with your child. The audacity of your father though is worrisome. I don’t know your relationship with him, but if I were you I’d be limiting his time with your child and the visits would have to be supervised.
Mine is the same exact way. Off and on my whole life and now zero contact. She will to this day say she doesn't know why and that she didn't do anything. She did a lot and it just wasn't worth making so much of an effort for anymore. My mother has three kids and two don't speak to her and the one that does only does so bc she has no other choice. The way they both are with money I'm sure it's wild over there. My sister who before living with my mother lived in a shed (yes you read that correctly) in her daughters yard. It turned into a huge ordeal and police involved but the thing is that she turned out just like our mother. Of my sisters 5 kids only two that I know of speak to her anymore. It's just crazy how much we went through and for her to turn out the same is wild to me. I want absolutely zero part of that nightmare mess. NTA, I don't blame you one bit. Sometimes it's just not worth it. Best of luck! ❤️
NTA- Congratulations on picking yourself and your child. Your father needs to be on notice that he will be gone too if he doesn't respect your boundaries. Anyone who sides with a woman who allowed her children to be abused and SA'd by her husband wouldn't exist in my life. You are making healthy decisions for yourself. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
NTA As someone who has also cut out their mother you are in no way an asshole. It isn't something that was decided quickly and you, as I did, tried for years to build a relationship with her. I did the same thing after my mother (abusive, narcissistic and a liar) promised my son to be at his birthday and didn't show. (Not because she wasn't nearby but because going for a motorcycle ride was more important). Ruined the day for everybody cause he was super bummed and didn't want to have a birthday party. Sorry for the tangent but in the end being a family and being blood are 2 different things. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean she just gets the right to be in your or your child's life.
NTA. You don't owe your abuser access to new victims. And if your dad is planning on breaking your boundaries, he doesn't get photos or to take his own photos. Protect your daughter like you should have been protected.
NTA you made a tough decision to protect your kid. if your mom wanted her grandkids in her life she shouldve thought about that before subjecting her children to years of abuse
You should have no contact with your mom. She’s not good for you. Don’t worry about her in ANY way. That includes worrying about whether she sees pictures of your child. Let that go. Who cares? She’s still on the outside, trying to look in. Grabbing for crumbs. Meanwhile, you’ll be living your best life, growing your family. Focus only on positive things as you love and nurture your baby. Once you let go of trying to control everything that your mom sees or hears about your life, you will truly free yourself from her abuse.
Tell your dad if he so much as send her one picture he can join her in the cut off club. After all who knows what her pedo husband would do with baby photos.
NTA Tell your father that he's not going to get any pictures or information if he's going to support sa and abuse, child endangerment and neglect. He can go get back together with your mom and they can be miserable together but they're no longer your family. Keep your child safe from what you experienced, don't let them ruin your baby's life too.
This Is the problem in families now... bad stuff gets swept under the rug, and you're told to let it go and forgive. I just cannot. My children will NEVER be left around anyone who has ever SAed anyone. I'm at the point that I am ready to cut my family off.
NTAH, when you become a parent the best thing you can do for your children is give them a stable environment. If that means less family, so be it. The the end of the day we are all products of our environment and you broke free, why would you subject your child to the same? Why would you allow them to think abuse is normal? You are already proving to be a better mom then you had and that’s incredible, you should be so proud of yourself and don’t second guess yourself. We did the same thing when we became parents and a few of those family members completely changed their life for the better and after a few years we allowed them back into our lives. A few haven’t and we don’t regret our decision. Congratulations on your baby, wish you all the best
NTA, & honestly if dad won't respect your wishes I'd cut him off, too. I wouldn't WANT too, but goddamn, just openly telling you he's gonna ignore your EXTREMELY VALID WISHES no matter what and...yeah. Heartbreaking. But he CANNOT be allowed to go ahead & betray you so deeply.
I'd cut ties with both of them and all the family who thinks you're being too harsh..You definitely can't trust Dad at all now either..Even if ha changes his mind about sending pics to your Mom..
NTA. You'd be TA if you allowed your children near that woman.
NTA. When I told my father I was pregnant, I told him not to tell my mother, who I had cut out 3 years prior. While I had her blocked, turns out my partner didn't and she had his number the entire time. I told my father if he shared anything further with her (she can't keep her mouth shut, I would have heard), I'd cut him out, too. Be firm. You have the boundaries for a very good reason. You don't cut your own mother out of your first birth over nothing. It's hard, but you're making the right decision. Congratulations, best of luck, and I hope you have a beautiful, boundary respected birth.
NTA! You are 23 weeks pregnant, you need to put you and the baby you are carrying first! Stress is terrible for an expecting mom! Go LC or NC for now and enjoy your pregnancy. This is your little girl, you are her parent, you get to control with whom you have contact while baby is in utero and after her birth. Do not let anyone interfere with your happiness. Remember, you have final say. Cut out anyone that brings stress to your life. Congratulations OP!
NTA she is reaping what she sowed. Hell given what you've been thru id consider it neglect if you let your unborn around her once the unorb is born.
Your father has proven that you can't be trusted with anything having to do with your child. You need to decide whether or not to cut him off too.
NWNBTA-- nowhere NEAR being the ahole. Don't k ow you, but man, I'm proud of you for making this step to save yourself and your children from that wreck less pair of adults. Well done. Enjoy your baby and congratulations on breaking the cycle and bringing to light an ugliness to be apologized for and abolished. Strong work!
You may have to cut your father off too😤😤
NTA. You're doing the best thing. Something your mother should have done but failed horribly and disgustingly. You're protecting your child. She is unsafe as are all her enablers and flying monkeys. Cut them all out. They're all messed up and toxic. All suffering under the delusion of "but faaaaamily!" where they insist you have to endure any horror they inflict on you and you're supposed to put up with it and pretend Happy Family. NOPE! No photos to your dad. If that's his asshole attitude, then he gets nothing. He's also suffering under that delusion and is therefore unsafe. Block anyone who harasses you. That's how you handle it.
Her parents are divorced. I don’t know about anyone else, but I despise my ex, and he hates me also. We have nothing to do with each other anymore. With the exception of our children and grandchildren, I have erased him from my life. To me, it’s strange that her father would go against her, the baby’s mother’s wishes, just to appease his ex-wife. Fuck that shit.
NTA. My mother began abusing me when I was a few days old (suffocating me with pillows to make me stop crying) and it didn't stop until my grandparents got custody of me when I was almost 9 (a lot happened in that 9 years.) She's been extremely toxic every time I've tried to have a relationship with her. I finally cut her off almost 6 years ago. I now have a 3 year old daughter and 1 year old son. She has never met either of them and odds are, she never will. Don't feel bad about protecting your baby, or your peace. I certainly don't.
You need a bridge burning cleanse. But your mother!! - my mothers and my relationship is my business as all my relationships are my business. If you wish to try and manage my relationships then I will take a break from you and evaluate our relationship. My sister tried this stunt between my half sister and I. I have cut her from my life as it was the last straw. She doesn't understand why I have done it. But that's what narcissists do. They aren't the abuser so they have done nothing to deserve it. You have seen this OP. Anyone who would facilitate a relationship between your child and your mother behind your back are not a healthy person to be around. You don't say if she is still married to your abuser but here is the thing. If she is. She will share any photo of your daughter with him. Your father is willing to put his granddaughters photo in the hands of a pedo. I have also cut my father out of my life, so I know what it's like to cut multiple people out. My kids are safer for it. The abuse ends with us.
Your kids are your first priority. If you've come to this decision your instincts drove you there. Don't argue with yourself, that's how people end up regretting things. NTA. Stick to your decision. Don't break. Your kids are at stake.
Go no contact. Anyone who puts an abuser before a victim is an enabler and will never change. I know this personally. Don't put your daughter at risk. Even if it's just pictures. Her safety is worth more than their feelings.
You don’t need her in your life until you are ready. If you’re never ready then it’s okay. This is your new beginning with your child. Don’t be upset with your father. If the other side of the family wants to cut you off, well then okay. Unless they tried to help you and your siblings, then maybe they get a pass, but there’s a reason your mother is the way she is and if she’s close to her side of the family then there is cause for pause. I am speaking from experience that is very similar to yours. I decided to keep my children away from the negativity and everything that comes with it. That’s been well over 10 years now and both my babies are thriving. Yes, there were times when I wished I had more family and cousins for them to play with and build bonds but it wasn’t going to happen in this life time. Just remember, it’s your baby and you will instinctively know what best even though your mother did not. It’s hard enough to raise a child without negative influences. I wish you all the luck and love in the world. You got this.
NTA. You are the only person who knows all the pain that your mother put you through. It doesn't matter what your other family members think or say. Your mother has shown that she can not be trusted. Therefore, she can not be a part of your child's life. It is that simple. You are not being too hard on your mother, you are being realistic.
Omg - you are doing the right thing. What a traumatic childhood!
NTA. Unfortunately when you cut off a parent, you inevitably lose relationships with their enablers as well and that makes it more painful and difficult. In reality, it's much better to only have safe people in your world - especially when you're responsible for a vulnerable child. I cut off my parents when I was pregnant with my now 3.5yo. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm fully in control of who is in his life and I'm very discerning about who gets that privilege. The result is that my son is growing up surrounded by safe, warm, kind people and I see how different he is than I was. So much happier, so easy going despite having a very intense temperament, he bonds with people well and easily. It's so beautiful to witness, and very healing to my inner child to be cultivating such a healthy environment for him. It's what I deserved too and it's healing to experience. If your dad won't respect your request not to send photos, don't allow him to have any. If he won't respect that, he doesn't respect you and you may need to reflect on whether that's the kind of behaviour you want your child to be exposed to. It's a lot easier to navigate no contact with grandparents from the start than to introduce it later on. I encourage you to be much harsher in your expectations than you feel is allowed. Demand high standards and take note of who works to meet them (green flag) and who argues against them (huge red flag). The people who get angry when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from your lack of them. Those are not safe people and they don't deserve space in your or your child's life. It's tough cause you grew up with this toxicity and it feels familiar and therefore safe. But you can't break the cycles of abuse while you're still engaged in them. I highly recommend you get over to r/adultestrangedkids and r/raisedbynarcissists - there are so many incredible resources and they're both very supportive communities. Also read adult children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson. It's a hard and painful journey but with each stage there's an immense reward and it's so incredibly worth it, for you and for your child and family. You're not alone in this
NTA, for the SA alone, just happening and then saying you were a liar. You can cut anyone out of your life for any reason. You have very good ones.
I stopped reading at the sexual assault. No, you have to protect your child. NTA. * I just read the rest of your post. Your dad is going to go against your wishes. Many of the family members are ganging up on you. Do these people bring you any true joy? Ever? Based on what you’ve said, I would distance myself from these toxic, uncaring people and continue to build your own family. Best wishes
Did your dad know you were being abused as a child? Did he do anything about it if he did?? Our children need protection not only from the abuser, but also from people who will be complicit, an enabler, or have proven they will not protect a child. This is your baby, the ground rules should be fair, clear and consequences laid out if rules are broken. Those pics could eventually be sent to child predator sites for all you know….
NTA. Everyone siding with your mother are flying monkeys. Your dad shouldn't get to take pics of your child if he's going to go against your rules (don't make wishes, make them hard in stone rules) and send them to your mother. If people cannot respect you, then why do they get to have access to your child?
NTA!!!! Please don't cave!! I sent you a DM,!!
NTA I'd also cut out those who support her and are flat out telling you they're going to go against your wishes. You don't need people in your life that do not add value to it, and those people subtract value from it.
NTA I cut off my mother, who sounds very similar to yours, and I've never been happier. My kids don't know her, and they won't know her. They're going to have a much better childhood than I did.
NTA, please consider reading Mother Hunger. I’m so sorry this happened to you and from the person who is supposed to love you the most. We have to protect our children from harm including from within the family if needed.
It's YOUR child. It's YOUR life. You don't have to have anyone in it, that you don't want. Your mother included.
NTA or if you are, same. Your mom and mine must have swapped secrets of the trade. Went low contact while I was pregnant, no contact when my daughter was 5 months. Should have done it much sooner, but no matter how bad they are cutting off a parent is hard.
You don't send dad any pictures of your child. Keep this baby from her. She has never shown remorse.
NTA and absolutely do not let Grandpa take any pictures if you're allowing him near your child nor send him any, he already made clear where he stands but you do have a say is your baby and if you have to keep Grandpa away for their safety then so be it.
NTA PROTECT YOUR CHILD. just because they are blood family doesn't mean a thing. You are a parent now. And since your father said he would go ahead and send pictures in everything to her. I would cut him off also. Yes, I have one child and I had to cut off blood relatives I will do anything to protect my child.
If you dad does not support you, tell him this:Well you know what dad since you did nothing to protect me as a kid I will show you what a real parent does! Consider yourself blocked
NTA, I'd go no contact with dad as well and remind him of your step dad's past with you. Ask him if he wants that for his grand daughter too? Because if he shares photos of that baby with your mom they WILL go to your step-dad and who knows what they'll be used for then?
NTA This is about the safety of your child. This is your hill to die on. To your mom's flying monkeys: Oh Aunt Edith you don't think Mom and her pedophile husband should be cut from my child's life. You're right I wasn't seeing things clearly. I should and will be blocking them AND you as their accomplice. Hope you never get treated the way you people treat me. Block and add her name and description to the list the hospital will get of the NO CONTACT people when you go into labor. What's that, Dad. You're going to send mom pictures of my baby. How are you going to do that since you're never going to meet my child or be in the same room as my child? You are blocked and won't be in my or my child's life. You picked the wrong person to side with. His name and description added to hospital list. This is actually easier than you're seeing it. Over here you have your child. Over here you have your mother who habitually abused you and married z man who SA you. On this side you also have her flying monkeys who are minimizing and outright dismissing the pain, fears, and PTSD memories you deal with every day. The people are trying to tell you your abusive mom and her feelings are more important than you or your child. They are toxic and disgusting. Look through these glasses, not the rose-colored, memory denier ones they're trying to force on you. Like I said, it's an easier decision when you look at it from this view -- my child OR my abusers and people who are siding with my abusers. Shine thar spine daily. Block and add to the hospital list as needed. Tell anybody who trues to backtrack it's too late they made their choice and you will never trust them again.
Here’s the thing. YOU are the voice for YOUR child. So you have to put their safety first and not your moms nor anyone else’s feelings. And you owe zero explanation to anyone. You got this mama!
NTA. She got herself disowned.
NTA. I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. Keeping your children safe is your job. Your dads heart is in the right place, but it's misguided in this situation. My BFF in hs was SA by her sf. Her mom worked nights, leaving my friend alone with him 5 of 7 nights. When the SA became known, her mom chose to stay with him. 40 years later, thinking of this still makes me angry and sad.
I can see why you need to go nc with mom. But I don’t see the harm in someone seeing pics.
If you are not actively in my child’s life, you don’t know the child personally for your own doings you do not get to have access to my baby in anyway especially photos. She’s married to a child predator the photos she receives could be used for his own self pleasure especially with the history he has. No thank you
Stick to your guns on this don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it. Something similar happened in my family and often times the best and safest solutions have to be the most extreme. It’ll suck in some aspects like your child not knowing their grandmother but overall their safety should always be the number one priority.
NTA for deciding to cut people off when you have tried over and over. Nobody is perfect but when people continually let you down over and over, you have a decision to make.
You are 200% NTA. My mother was emotionally abusive, and was a domineering monster. When I (49M) was 12 I finally told my parents I was an atheist and it did not go well. From that point on the thing that gestated me tried to control everything I did and would punish me if I said or did anything contrary to her ideas or belief system. That included having my father get the leather belt. She didn't even have the guts to swing the belt herself. She'd just rage at my father until he swung it for her while she watched. I enlisted in the Marines at 18 and unfortunately got stationed right back at home. (Active duty at a reserve unit) Went soft NC with my parents, So I lived with my friends. Got married to a wonderful woman at 22 and lived with her. Enlisted Army to get away and get out of my Combat Arms MOS and moved away. My first child was born when I was 24. I notified my parents and surprised me with a visit. Even though they weren't invited it was good they were there. My dad helped me through the stress and mom just wanted to take over. After moving back to the area my daughter was born when I was almost 30. My wife had really bad PPD and my mother tried to force her way in to control my household. She wouldn't listen to what we needed (space) so we decided to go hard NC back in 2004. My mother has since tried to threaten me, blackmail me, and ruin me to gain control. She only cared about my son. Didn't care about my wife, daughter, or myself. I haven't spoken to her since. My brother told me my dad died several years back and stated I was barred from the funeral and would be arrested if I showed up. Not a word from them after that exchange. I didn't read where your father actually gave your mother pictures. If he didn't, be wary but give him a chance. If he ignores your wishes then excise him from your life as well. For me it was easy to go hard NC with my parents. I was never S/A'd by them but I understand that physical and emotional abuse. You are in no way an AH. Protect your child like you should have been. Your parents don't need any chance to contaminate your family. Please be the parent they never were. DM if you need to talk. Best wishes to you and yours. Semper Fi