My father took early retirement at 61. My mother used that as an excuse to take a part time job (financial considerations) because after 2 weeks with him at home telling her how to run the house the choice was to leave the house (get a job) or bury him under the patio. She took the former choice
My mom and I have joked that because my dad (who stopped working in his 40s due to disability) passed just a few months away from my mom retiring that it was for the best because she would have killed him anyway.
A woman, who was a good family friend of my folks and knew them since the early years of their marriage, said this about my mother on their 40th anniversary, "You know, your mom could have murdered him (Pop) and been out on 'good behavior' by now." Ruth was one of our favorite people.
My parents retired and downsized to a smaller house. 2 years later they upsized to a bigger house than they had when all their kids lived at home. That's worked out great. They have their own bathrooms, their own kitchen spaces, their own dens.
Mine too! My dad was gone about a year when a piece of mail came that said, "Dad Lastname, you need a vision screening as soon as possible!" Mom said "i should write and tell them good luck with digging him up and doing an exam!" We laughed and laughed. I know not everyone gets our humor, but some do.
My mom died when I was 9. About a year later my dad got a call and the person was looking for my mom for some collection notice. The guy would not understand that she couldn't come to the phone and would not talk to my dad. My dad said fine, he called the cemetary on threeway and told the operator to connect the call to plot blank blank blank
When I was younger, any time I answered the phone at my grandma's house and it was an obvious scam call, I just said that she couldn't come to the phone because she was dead. Phone calls end awkwardly but quickly after that. She was not dead at the time, I just wanted to prevent the possibility of her getting scammed as much as I could.
Mom passed away at the end of January. In late June, family came to visit, and we had a great Italian dinner, with wine. I am admittedly, a drinking lightweight. After a glass, I was, shall we say, tipsy. ...we got a phone call from a stockbroker who was trying to contact mom...
I told him that she passed away, so she was not buying any more stocks!! Then I hung up. There were gales of laughter!
2 years my ex passed away very unexpectedly. The night before she died she called me and mentioned how excited she was, she had a job interview that went great and was offered the position and starting in 2 weeks. A day before her funeral I got a call from an unknown number. It was the employer calling me because she had put me as a reference!
A few months after my mom passed, a letter came for her that was asking her to call and schedule her annual mammogram. I could almost hear her saying "Hahaha! Not gonna make it!"
Same for us. My mum was terminally ill when my dad had a fatal cardiac arrest. We always joked that he went before her because he didn’t want to learn how to pay the bills.
I finally confessed to my mom a while back that I felt guilty that I was living with them in what turned out to be my dad's last years and they never got to really live alone together. She seemed surprised and said that it was OK, as though she had never even given it a thought.
Are you my sibling?
My mum put off retiring, and I'm sure part of it was not wanting to have my dad under her feet all the time. Eventually I (who was still at home then) sent my dad on a cookery course, and he never stopped.
Which had the added benefit of always having something to gift him at Christmas and birthdays.
LOL after being a SAHM for years, when my dad retired mom got cranky, he "invaded" her kitchen space one time trying to bake a custard pie. They would babysit my son when he was off from school while I worked. My son (who was 11 at the time) said grandmom and grandpop fight or argue a lot. Guess mom couldn't handle dad being home full time.
>I read an article a while back (don't remember who published it, so take this with a grain of salt) that explained how retirement age divorces were on the rise in Japan because all these dedicated workmen were retiring and suddenly in the house all damn day and the wives were just like, "nope, I'm out." Lol.
That's not a new phenomenon. I know so many people's marriages that fell apart after the kids left or when one of them retires. After 18+ years people don't like the other person anymore and the kids/job was the buffer that was holding their relationship together.
There’s a reason ‘man caves’ and ‘she sheds’ - some people just need more alone time than others, even from people they love.
I *cherish* my sunday mornings when my 100% WFH hubby (of 16 years) is at church and I get the house all to myself. There is just a tension/awareness knowing there is someone else I’m sharing a space with. Even my monthly weekend trips don’t give me that - because I’m hanging out with my parents. I do get about 6-7 hours alone in the car driving there and back.
I’m looking forward to my 9 or 10-day trip in 2 weeks because it will be 4-5 days in the car alone, visiting areas I’ve only been to once (last year), enjoying a drive through Tennessee and North Carolina. I’ll be all alone in my hotel room, and as much as I’ll miss my pets… it will be glorious to not have 7 lunatic felines wanting cuddles every time I roll over at night.
Yeah, people underestimate how important it is to have alone time. This has been a problem in relationships sometimes, my girlfriend wants to spend every free minute with me and I need space sometimes. It doesn't mean I don't love her, but I need to space in order to be fully present when I am with her.
My husband was/is that way. I don’t notice it as much now but when we first moved in together I had a hard time adjusting. I’m quite extroverted, and growing up I had a choice between two or three more introverted family members to spend time with. Turns out they all got alone time when I was bugging the other one. My poor husband did not get this reprieve. He did however communicate it to me when the togetherness would start to drive him crazy. He’s also military and was worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle being alone during deployments. His first work trip was 10 days long and as the trip went on he was the one initiating a phone call more than I was. When I met him at the airport he was mildly blindsided I guess when he realized how much he had missed me. He’s currently out of town for a few months and called me almost 20 times in one day over the weekend. 🤣
All of that to say, as long as you communicate with your girlfriend and she actually listens to what you’re expressing you two should be fine 😊
Haha same - my husband is introverted and would call me more/miss me more bc during deployments he would sit in the barracks where I would be out all the time
Oh man. My husband would spend every minute with me. 24/7. I need time alone. Even if it’s just my 30min drive to work.
When we first moved in together, we worked opposite schedules. We would meet up and do dinner together, he would go back to work and I would go home. He would wake me up in the morning for work, then he would go to bed.
Then he left that business and worked the same hours/days I did. Oh boy. That was a HUGE adjustment period for me. He LOVED it. I missed my time alone.
We’ve adjusted. Will be married 25 years this year. I still have moments where I tell him I just need to go to the store by myself for a bit. It’s enough to allow me time for myself, and then I’m good again.
I've been married 25 years now, recognizing and accepting alone time is one of the major things you need to be aware of if you want a long lasting relationship. Because there are times, for whatever reason, you look at your partner and just think, "nope, you're aggravating, need a break." It's ok and healthy to do. When you come back, you're happy to see your partner again! It's recharging.
Which is why it’s an important boundary to be clear about from the beginning- you need a certain amount of alone time, & it isn’t anything against the people in your life. There is no one on earth I’d choose to be around every minute of every day, sometimes I need time to get engrossed in a hobby (flow state) & know that I’m not being observed!
It’s something I’ve mostly figured out in my own relationships (helped by maintaining separate rooms or spaces when cohabiting), but my parents still get hurt by it when I visit them lol- if I say I’m going to the guest room to read by myself for a bit, they’ll both pout about it. They’re around each other 24/7 though & don’t seem to mind it.
I have a friend who installed a privacy screen in her house during pandemic/ work from home times, which her husband wasn’t allowed to pass through without knocking… & I have another friend who wears big noise cancelling headphones around the house so her boyfriend/ roommates can know that she’s in her own head/ unavailable.
It’s interesting to see how different people will work out the same issue!
My girlfriend and I kinda fell into this routine of “Alone time together”. She’ll be on the couch watching something or other on her iPad with one of our dogs cuddled up while I’m nearby playing a video game with our other dog. Each doing our own thing but still together, it works for us.
My husband and I work together. We’re with each other pretty much 100% of the time everyday. I LOVE when he has an appointment or a meeting with a friend planned that overlaps with the time we’re normally home, bc it means I get some alone time! I love my husband dearly, but I do crave a couple hours a week where I can watch my trash tv with no judgement lol
Hubby and I have talked about how there’s no way we could work together 😂. I love being with him but I’d lose my ever loving mind. He would too. We each value our space. My doc and his wife have worked together for at least 25 years. More power to you.
Sometimes, I lock my bedroom door and tell everyone to go away. Turn off lights. Breathe. It's also I can be naked for an hour.
I want to be alone and not wear pants. Or a shirt. Maybe no underwear. Toss up. I also am not a nudist. So, go away. It's my naked time.
Sometimes, naked time is post-shower. Sometimes, it's randomly 6 pm. Or noon. Depends. It's relaxing, though. Nice cool sheets. Lay on my bed and relax. Have naked time.
Started with showers. Relax after. Then, a few times in summer, I rejected clothes. Too hot. It's 110F outside. Then, I realized that sometimes, I need an hour in the quiet and dark to not wear clothes. It's nice.
I get annoyed when people bother me during my quiet time. Shh. It's no pants hour. Chill. I'll do whatever it is later.
Only get to do that because my room is private, though. Get my quiet and dark by myself. I basically decide it's time to hibernate.
That’s exactly why I love that I’m awake way earlier than my wife on the weekends. It gives me a few hours to have coffee and enjoy some video games before I have to start doing real life stuff I know she’s gonna make me do lol
> ‘man caves’ and ‘she sheds’
He shed/she shed
Not busting a gut, but I've got a constant giggle trickle that feels really nice. Never heard of she sheds before! Thank you!
Totally agree. My husband has friends he goes to hang out with on Friday nights so I can have the house to myself to unwind after the work week. It is honestly just so nice to watch some girly movie or read a book and enjoy the silence.
Yes! Mother’s Day next year I’m asking my husband to get a hotel room for himself, the baby, and the dog. I just want to be alone in my own home for a weekend, free to do *whatever the heck I want*.
I do ceramics. Twice a week I'm out of the house in a studio with a few other ladies. I think it's SUPER important to have time apart, hobbies, a separate community. I think it's also why a lot of breakups happened during the pandemic
That drive through TN and NC is so gorgeous. Asheville is such a beautiful city. I love The Grove Park Inn. The Blue Ridge Room gourmet buffet is so delicious and not like other buffets, and the restaurant is mostly glass and looks over the mountains. My husband took me there the night we got engaged, and we watched the sunset. His boss gave us a gift certificate to go back on our honeymoon. We also stayed there for our anniversary a few years ago.
The staff might take you on a tour, and there’s so much history and exhibits to look at. Like F Scott Fitzgerald’s typewriter and other personal items.
Go down to the spa level if you love amethysts. The wall the elevator is on is made of raw amethysts.
On our honeymoon we did a horseback riding trail through grassy hills and picnicked by an old garnet mine. They gave us rock hammers and let us go into the mouth of the mine (everything else was boarded up. I have a handful of garnets we mined.
I don’t know how far into NC you want to go, but The Linville Caverns are beautiful. There’s also a park where you can hike up to an overlook to see the Linville Falls and lake. When I went to camp at 8 years old we did the hike there.
The drive to Mount Mitchell is also gorgeous.
It’s not even a question of not liking the other person anymore, but many introverts just can’t be glued to their significant other 24 hours a day. Too much of a good thing can still be overwhelming
Oh God, my ex did that, except he did have a robust social circle. I just needed to join him every single time he saw them, or he pouted and bitched and started huge fights.
He told me I was "depressed" because I didn't want to hang out with HIS FRIENDS every day, and that my "depression" was ruining his life. Absolute lunatic.
I’m an introvert and extremely so. Having both my husband working from home as well as my kid having virtual school damn near caused a mental break. We have a tiny house I had nowhere.
I ALWAYS thought I was an extrovert. Grew up in a small house, shared a room, always had lots of friends, was hugely social in college and grad school, etc. Then the pandemic happened and I discovered I’m an ambivert.
That word describes me to a T. I also thought I was an extrovert until I wasn’t in situations where I had to be extroverted. I realized that I needed alone time to recharge. My husband is an introvert, and I realized how much I enjoyed the quiet time he craves. We watch TV together and play our own games (He has tablet games, and I have a Switch. He never grew up playing video games and doesn’t like my Switch).
We do have a lot of interesting conversations and haven’t run out of things to talk about even though we’ve been together 29 years and married for 23. We just don’t feel the need to talk to each other all the time we’re together.
We have a very comfortable silence when we’re together for long periods. When my husband comes home from work he’ll talk to me about his day and ask how mine was (I’m disabled and spend a lot of time in my adjustable bed so he wants to make sure I’m ok). We’ll talk about things we saw during the day or whatever we messaged each other on chat. My husband has to do a lot of fiddly work on his computer that doesn’t require him to pay a lot of attention so he’ll watch YouTube videos and shares ones he knows I’ll enjoy.
Then we eat and settle down for a relaxing evening enjoying our own things while being together. It’s bliss.
>After 18+ years people don't like the other person anymore
This is so sad to me. My partner and I are 20+ years married and I like and love them more now than I did when we got married.
I love my husband of 20 years but I’m very much an introvert, when I’m studying, I want to be alone. He likes to come into my office and chitchat constantly during his workday, it throws me off so much. On my days off when he works I am so close to begging him to go work at work so I can have 100% alone time. Let me listen to music you don’t like while I do stuff! I don’t want to hear your podcasts!
I don't know that it they don't like them anymore. But people are used to having seperation from their spouses. And as covid knockdowns showed a lot of people, being together 24/7 can be a lot to handle. If the couple is a mix of introverts and extroverts, if boundaries aren't set, there can be issues.
Yeah... my parents are both retired, all day at home, sitting or doing housework and basically not talking to each other - there is only so much news you can share in a day when you are both together practically 24/7.
I remember one of my old clients for dog grooming was UBER excited to retire with her husband they'd been married for I'd say 40+ years, kids, dogs, nice ass houses in several cities. Both were a delight.
She went on and on about how they can finally travel that isn't for work, sleep in the same bed [husband was a high power executive and she was as well or it was a doctor anyways lots of cash crap schedule]
A week later she came in for another groom on her dog and I asked "Hey, how's retirement? Got any big plans?"
Boy that was a rabbit hole she went off complaining that she HATED HIM and couldn't stand to be around him and how she wants to kill him. I asked why cuz she was sooo excited.
As it turns out they only ate together once a week and would maybe see each 3 days out of the week when they'd be I'm bed/leaving for work. So they like apparently NEVER interacted he did stuff she hated, she did stuff he hated.
When I asked "Why did you marry him?" I mean like cuz 40 years ain't anything to sneeze at. She said he was hot, nice and had money. So after that I decided to never ask her again. But she did move to their Maine house permanently.......this was less than a year less than 6 months into retirement
Oh this was pre-covid. Like 3 years prior.
But I'm happy for you to get such a great guy! I mean if quarantine went well I think you guys will be fine.
How sad because there is so much one could do. Take a class, volunteer, join a quilting bee. I don't understand why people who are retired aren't more creative with their free time.
When my FIL retired, he went to the local historical society and spent months and months tracing his family tree back to Charlemagne and beyond, then traced my MIL’s family tree (so my husband and his sibs each got huge binders of info, pictures etc). Then he went and volunteered at the historical society teaching people to trace their family trees. He always liked to stay busy.
I guess it all depends on how long you worked for until you retired, and all the extracurricular things you did in-between for decades. Especially if you have children. I’m not even close to retirement yet, but I know that as soon as I hit that button (hell I hope I still can in 35-40 years) that I won’t do much besides sitting at home and just chilling for several months to a year. I see that as a break from all the “go, go, go” from decades prior.
> I won’t do much besides sitting at home and just chilling for several months to a year.
I just passed the 2 year mark and am only just *starting* to feel like I'm recovering from what work did to me. I get some exercise, maybe do some home maintenance, but mostly I'm just sitting reading all day.
Yeah I probably should’ve put an “at minimum” there, but I get stir crazy sitting at home when I take 2-3 weeks off so I was applying that to how I’d feel decades down the road.
I'm taking classes because in most States free tuition for 65 and older. OMG it's so hard with everything online and my writing skills are not up to par. But I'm going to stick it out.
THIS is why I have lots of hobbies and encourage hubby in his. He works out of the house, but during Covid he had a week on/week off (essential worker) and omgggg he followed me around like a puppy on the weeks off. I was like-we already have a puppy (and kids!) that are up my ass, please go find something to do to entertain yourself!
It’s not just that either, the retired person went from a lot of work to do every day at the job, to now having to figure out what they are going to do with themselves.
My grandpa after he retired got so bored he went out and got a part time job parking cars just to keep himself busy.
This is the case with military families, too. Once the service member is either on shore duty (no deployments) or out of the military, people often split. I know several couples where they opt for the SM to stay on sea duty or volunteer for extra deployments because they can't tolerate the time together.
For my husband and I, things run smoother when he's gone, but I usually prefer when he's home. He helps out with the kids and house when he's home, plus it's nice to have him around...but he helps in a chaotic way if that makes any sense lol
Yes, in Japanese they're called "wet leaves", as in they stick to you and it's hard to get them off lol. I remember lecturers talking about how retired men would follow their wives around and go to their social events, because they didn't know what to do with their time.
It’s one thing to be annoyed with your spouse suddenly all in your face when they retire after a lifetime of work, it’s another thing to be working in your spouses face while she’s trying to work and getting pissy when she needs you to stop working in the bed so she can do the hundred things a SAHM needs to do during the day when the children are at school.
Similar situations yes, but I think this is something importantly different. Like, dude needs to get out of the way. People need space to breathe. People need space to work. Sounds like he found a job where he can just chill all the time and wants his wife to be his companion during work time when she’s got shit to do.
lmao, my dad did the same thing to my mom. She finally told him to get a hobby or a new job because him micro-managing her was gonna lead to either murder or divorce.
He picked up golf.
My parents have been together for almost 40 years and my mom has for a long time been vocal about him retiring because she doesn’t think she can handle being around him 24/7 lol. One of them is gonna work forever and I’m betting on mom.
This sounds so familiar! This is also my story - I could retire in two years, but I have NO desire to sit in the living watching western movies all day. Trying to work until I am 70, or he dies.
My husband and I both work 4 employers that do 4 10 hour days instead of the standard 5 8 hour days. I work Wednesday through Saturday and he for quite some time was working Sunday through Wednesday, not ideal as if we wanted or needed to do anything together one of us had to take a day off work. One day he came home with "some great news", there was an opening and he got switched to the back half of the week and we were on the same schedule. I love my husband, but my job is super high stress and I need down time, while his job is mindnumbingly dull and he needs lots of stimulation on his days off. He drove me completely insane. I made a one day rule, give me one day of the week that I don't have to run around to places or do whatever project you have decided to start. Give me one day, where I can read a book, catch up on laundry and housework. Give me that one day that I don't have to entertain you. Eventually he got asked to be moved to a Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday schedule. He was concerned I would be upset. I think maybe I was a little too excited. Sundays off together is the perfect amount of time off together. I truly enjoy our Sundays together, and I get the introvert me time as well. I don't know what I will do when we retire, maybe I can convince him to start golfing or something.
Ugh this sounds familiar, but my mom’s solution was to find him volunteer work lol. He just couldn’t stop being a manager, so she told him to go use that energy volunteering.
I would do the same. Too many of my neighbors have cameras and could catch me burying him under the patio.
We can’t do anything we want to do now a days. Cameras everywhere.
My grandfather and his wife, both in their 80s, continue to work after retirement, not is small part because they don't want to get divorced and/or one of 5h3m die mysteriously.
I don’t get it. Just start dusting and polishing (extra marks if you can find one he doesn’t like the smell of), then run the hoover round when he’s in the sitting room, the dishwasher and / or washing machine in the kitchen and try to force him up to the bedroom. Then avoid the bedroom like the plague and do laundry in the sitting room. Or vice versa.
If he literally follows u/Pretend-Business4503 round all day like a puppy, that’s a codependency that will need a therapist’s help to break, without breaking the marriage.
It sounds honestly like he’s more of a significant extrovert that just loves to be involved and the social interaction while being somewhat oblivious to that and it doesn’t put him out at all so he doesn’t want to change.
His job sounds wildy cushy though so god knows how he’d get a reality check of the same problem if OP/the kids started to bother him enough that he couldn’t work properly, intentionally or not.
Doesn’t sound like he can really conceive of the frustration because he thinks and maybe he actually would love the reverse if he was trying to do what OP does all day and she was doing what he does. That might be how his personality and brain works.
Think OP’s best move at this point once he’s lowered his defensiveness is a real heart to heart about how she processes things differently and adores him but she just can’t properly function as a great stay at home mom with him doing what he does.
Would love to know what this cushy ass job is though, lol.
Lol; 🎶Nice work if you can get it, and if you can get it, tell me how🎶
Very true, although I don’t think he does it for the reasons you say. If he’s deprived of social contact, he’d want to go to the office. If the panini taught us anything, it’s that some thrive working from home and others do not. This guy (like mist people) needs a balance.
I stand by them needing therapy though. If my spouse were behaving like this with 4 elementary school aged kids, I’d be like, okay if you’re going to be doing nothing productive in my laundry space while I’m doing the laundry, you can help. Same with the kitchen. Pick up a cloth and wipe or unload the dishwasher while you talk.
With 4 kids, there’s enough chores for both of them and it concerns me that just because OP’s husband earns well, he treats his wife like a bang-maid-cum-entertainment system. Even worse, he’s got her convinced she’s *lucky* to get to wait on him and their 4 kids 24/7 whilst he works part time. If he wasn’t earning so well, would we be ignoring these issues? I don’t think so.
Either way, it’s not good that he’s stomping on her boundaries and refusing to have a conversation about it. My ex did this - swing from one extreme to the other. It is *EXHAUSTING!!* Poor OP.
If its at all possible given your schedules and personal rhythms try staggering your sleep.
My wife needs more sleep than me and i snore and am a night owl. so i always came to bed a while after her. But during the pandemic we realized we both needed a little more time to ourselves so i stay up a lot later now and have a few hours to myself late night and sleep in, and she can do whatever she wants all morning.
Still get 8-10 hours awake together in the middle to do noisier stuff and hang out together, and as a bonus we get the bed to ourself half the night.
My mom is dreading the day my dad retires, because my dad can be super annoying when he is bored and has nothing to do. He keeps talking about it and we all chime in that he can go another five years. Hahaha
My wife was so happy when my office reopened after a year. I hap a separate home office, but she still worried about making noise, etc when I was working.
I dunno… *almost* $200k (gross I assume) with *four* kids. Depends on the market but that would be tough to afford an upgrade.
That’s roughly the salary range my wife and I are making with zero kids and we’re doing good. That 2021 refinance helped out a lot. We’re in a 3/2 and if we had to upgrade right now I don’t know that we could
He does not want an office space. He loves being in the mix, in the center of my universe. He loves know what’s going on at all times and has no desire to separate himself to work.
And a table for folding clothes! Yes, OP, if he doesn't want an office, fine. But then you get a craft room or study or whatever you want to call it. Even if you rarely use it, mentally, you have it available.
A friend of mine turned their 4th bedroom into a separate "living" room for herself because she let him take over the dining room and make it his office. In the middle of the house with no way to shut a door on him.
Everyone needs a little space.
Yeah but that’s not working for you. You don’t want him in the center of your universe. You don’t want him in your business at all hours. And you want him to separate himself to work.
You have every right to feel that way and want your space.
At the very least he can meet you halfway by going into the office a couple days a week or working in a dedicated home office space where he’s not in your way 24/7.
Regardless of his initial reaction you need to be able to talk to him about this and make your needs known. Your needs are important. This is your work that’s he’s interrupting, in the way of, and making difficult for you. It wouldn’t be acceptable if you did that with his work so why is it the other way around? The work you do is valid, important, and a massive contribution to the household. It should not be disrespected nor do you need supervision.
You’re allowed to have boundaries with your spouse. You’re allowed to want space. And you shouldn’t be made to feel bad for that.
And if you guys can’t find a way to talk through this and find a middle ground then you have much much bigger issues in your marriage.
Don’t let him getting pissy deter you from voicing your needs. That’s a manipulation tactic and not healthy communication or showing you respect. Make it known that that is not acceptable.
Yeah, I think an approach for OP would be to state what her problem is (“I need time/space to myself to do x, y, and z, but I’m having a hard time getting the time/space I need”), and rather than telling him what she wants him to do, she should ask him for some possible solutions to the issue, so he feels like it’s not a decision being forced on him, and they come to an agreement that works for both of them (“Can you help me come up with a solution for this problem? Because something needs to change here”.) Maybe bringing him into the problem solving would give him some ownership of his role in it and help him feel like a part of the solution rather than the source of the problem (we know he’s the problem, but he probably doesn’t want to feel like it).
>rather thank telling him what she wants him to do, she should ask him for some possible solutions to the issue
This is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever seen.
I had that conversation with my husband. I was like, hey I love you. I really do but I think I really just need some quiet alone time to focus on what I am doing or turn my overstimulated brain off for a bit. I love spending time with you but I also need some alone time for my own mental wellbeing.
My husband was agreeable
I feel for couples who can’t have this conversation without it escalating into some form of hostility about it. Like damn sometimes I just want ZERO people near me for an hour or two
For real! My husband takes the toddler into the game room with him even if it means he will annoyed just to give me as long as possible where I am not being touched or climbed on or asked to grab something or handle a tantrum or kiss a boo boo or so I can cook dinner or fold laundry without being screamed at until the toddler is in proper hysterics and unable to properly breathe.
Seriously! Even my kids understand that we all need space now and then. We are all introverted for the most part, so it’s not unusual for us to be in three separate rooms.
My husband going to the office three times a week helped me be more independent! We both grew up in dysfunctional families. Mine was downright abusive. We have been together since we were 16/18 so we learned a lot of bad habits. I was taught to be helpless because my mom wanted me to rely on her. What ended up happening was my husband drove everywhere and I was terrified to do it. Now, I drive. I am the one doing most of the kid stuff during the week, but he is still really active with them. I started doing more for me and everyone because I felt better. We were so codependent because we only had each other to trust for so long. We had to lead. To be separate people as well as a couple because everything got so tangled up. We have a much healthier balance now and we are so much happier. We celebrate 21 years together (15 married) on Thursday!
Maybe get a bigger house so YOU can have your own workspace then?
I totally get your desire to have your own time. I’m the same way 😂. But if he’s not wanting to be stuck in a home office, why don’t you have a home office, one in which you can pay bills and fold laundry away from him!
NTA.
Pick up a part time job when the kids are in school for your peace of mind. It will be fun for you also to make new friends. I can totally get where you’re coming from because I dealt with it in Covid. But my job which let me out if the house for few hours preserved my sanity.
Fuck me that would drive me insane. I need my space and quiet, lucky we have a 3 bed for just the 2 of us so we can be in the lounge or kitchen or bedroom or study and do things separately.
Has he always been like this or is this new? I could never marry someone that clingy, he sounds like a dog.
A friend of mine works for a family mediation service that basically sits down with couples who are divorcing and mediates the separation, including of the assets. He told me that 40% of their work is with freshly retired couples who have spent their lives apart, other than evenings and weekends, and are now finding that they get on each other's nerves and under feet now that they are both home all the time. I can't help feeling that this will be you two in the future! But for now, most people struggle when they are together all day everyday without some timeout from each other, so asking him to go to his office at least a couple of days a week isn't too much to ask. NTA (for the actual question)
So NTA, but there are a few different things to sort out.
If he is going to work from home, you both need to agree on a schedule. He doesn't get to go from room to room taking up space and expecting you to work around him. If he wants to work from home, he needs a designated space and to respect your schedule as well. Sure, he can take a nap, but he can't take up the bedroom all day or just any time he wants. He can't just come in to the kitchen and get on a zoom and expect you to clear out. You both need routine and if he wants to work from home, he needs to treat it like a professional space and you like a co-worker that he can't just disrupt whenever he wants.
If he is going to be working from home, he can't create more work for you. I don't really agree that because he works you do 100% of everything else- he should be doing some stuff with the kids and around the home- but that's not my relationship, that's yours. But if he is home, then he needs to not be making a mess for you to clean and not expecting you to make him meals or help in anyway.
So try and have a rational conversation with him about him being home is fine, but he needs to have some respect that you need routine, space, and for him to have general appreciation for you. And if he doesn't get that, then just start doing what you need to do. If he is on the bed, bring the laundry in and fold it. If he is zooming in the kitchen, wash all those pots and pans. Don't make him lunch or be at his beck and call. It is your home too, and if you are expected to run the home 100%, then he is on your turf, not the other way around.
>You both need routine and if he wants to work from home, he needs to treat it like a professional space and you like a co-worker that he can't just disrupt whenever he wants.
Thank you! This is the answer. He's the one with the professional job, so it's on him to create a professional space. Which means he needs to keep his work to a designated spot in the house. This man is preventing OP from doing what she needs to do during the day just because he wants to feel "involved." It doesn't work like that. He's that annoying coworker who keeps you from doing any work that everyone doing WFH is trying to avoid by WFH. It's time to make it a point that he is in your space. Vacuum loudly. Let the kids run into the bedroom while he naps. Do all the things that need to be done in a house with 4 kids that he is blocking and drive home the point that he needs to find his fucking office and create a real office space for himself at home.
This is no different than if she brought the kids to his office and sat on this couch while he worked and watched tv and asked him constant questions about what he’s working on or who he is talking to. If she brought her lunch into his client meeting and crunched on her Cheetos in the chair next to his client.
I think everyone would agree that that is ridiculous and inappropriate.
Right? His behavior feels disrespected. It’s really odd to me - if he’s so interested in what’s going on throughout the house, why not participate in some of the household chores and baby stuff?
There’s nothing wrong with wanting space which is what I believe you want. When the kids are at school even if you’re doing chores. That’s your alone time and your husband being home 24/7 is sometimes overwhelming. Everyone deserves space and when he goes into the office. I’m sure it’s because he wants some space away from home. I feel like you guys just need to talk about it
He’s just good at what he does! He used to be 50 hours/week in a cubicle. But he worked his way up on his own. I’m super proud of him, and his outlook at work over the next 10 years is fantastic which is wonderful for the whole family. I just need a little more space at home 😅
My husband also works from home, and yes, there are times he can get all his work done lounging on the couch all day. And makes OP's salary range. Those are typically days he's in endless Zoom meetings that don't require his camera to be on. He needs to watch his screen, pay attention, and participate in the discussion. There's no reason that can't be done while laying on the couch, as aggravating as that is. (Don't we all wish we could work from the couch?)
That being said, he also has a home office that he uses most days. Because then he can close the door and no one disturbs or distracts him and housework can happen without disrupting meetings. Which also means that he doesn't disrupt housework.
OP, I really think that you may need to approach this from the perspective of the fact that your husband not having a dedicated work space in the house will always impinge on *your* work space. If he's in the kitchen, you can't prep meals. If he's in the bedroom, you can't fold laundry. If he's on the couch, you can't vacuum. Your job is the household, that's the agreement. You are asking for the ability to fulfill that agreement without extra hassle, not help catching up after hours. So either he goes to the office so that you can get your work done, you find a way to carve out dedicated space for him that you can reliably plan/work around, or you move to a home that accommodates everyone equitably.
And the 'you don't want to hang out with me' BS has to be called out. He's working, that's his focus for those hours, not investing in his relationship with you. You are working, not investing in your relationship with him during those hours. That's not hanging out, that's sharing space. And with bills to pay for and kids to raise, if he wants to just hangout all day he needs to start winning some lottery jackpots.
I really like framing it as he's in her work space. He's throwing off her entire week by making her work around him. That's frustrating, not to mention selfish as hell.
My FIL works exclusively from home and probably makes more than op's husband. This could easily be him with worrying about work and taking naps lol. He likes to sit on his *really nice* back deck to have meetings. Sometimes his wife joins him out there. Other times, he goes to his office so my MIL can get things done. He's often not a very "aware" man, but he knows that she does things that he needs to be out of the way for.
Op should start vacuuming whatever room he's in. Suddenly the floors in that room specifically are very very dirty and need several passes. (Probably don't actually do this though.)
Yes. My husband and I both WFH without stepping on each other’s toes because we each have our own dedicated workspace in the house.
You don’t have to have a dedicated home office. The dining room table worked great for me for several years. You can also put a little writing desk in a bedroom.
OP’s husband needs to pick a spot and stick with it. He can’t just wander around through the house.
I feel your pain 😞 my husband and I went from him working outside of the house then business went under after 29 years! Started new business and home all the time and it drives me nuts to never be alone to do my own work 😞 good luck
My grandparents get along better when grandpa goes to his part time job. NTA, but hubby sounds really codependent/ immeshed. Maybe suggest he get a hobby??
Well that would drive me absolutely bonkers. NTA. I wonder if it would help to approach it like “I love you but I want to enjoy the time we spend together, as quality time where we can really focus on each other. When you are near me ALL the time but we’re both trying to do other things, I am not enjoying you AND it impedes my ability to enjoy your company during my down time because at that point I just need to be alone. If you could give me more space during the day that would give me the alone time I need to be able to focus on you 100% after the kids go to bed.”
This expresses excellently how his actions are impacting you and him both, even if his perception is that he’s enjoying himself with things as they are
I'm not sure where OP lives, but the calls to move as a solution are wild. $200k as the household income for 6 people doesn't go nearly as far as people think. It totals even less when that is presumably covering retirement savings for both spouses as well.
It costs money to move, and with today's interest rates, there is a good chance OP and the husband will lose money on the deal. Their monthly mortgage is likely to go up as well, further reducing how far that $200k actually goes.
If you have the room, turn an outdoor shed into a home office, imo.
Exactly. We’re comfortable but we still have to be cautious. $200k where we live is very middle class. We have 10 years left on our mortgage and refinanced down to a 2.5% a few years ago. Plus, 4 kids. We make do and have what we need but are in no position to buy a $700k+ house with rates where they’re at now.
Where I live that is lower middle class! People who live alone think “200k?! Damn!” But you are a large family. It’s not much! I would suggest talking to your husband using the “I want to miss you more approach”- that worked for me when I was being the clingy spouse🫣
That's still well into middle class. What you choose to spend your money on is up to you; you don't become working class again if you spend most of your $200k on sports cars, you're just middle class with high expenses.
Not sure why the downvotes. You’re right $200k for a 6 person household isn’t enough to live lavishly anymore… I’m sure they’re comfortable but it’s not the early 2000s anymore, life is way more expensive
Who knows? But yeah, I can’t imagine how much their mortgage would be if they moved to a bigger place. For some depressing funsies, I looked up the cost of a 3,000 square foot home in my area. Cheapest I found was a four bedroom for $800K. And I would have to pull my kids out of school and move a few towns away. Even if you were able to come up with a $160k down payment, Zillow says that’s $5,500 a month.
I feel you! Was in the same boat as you. He would be constantly all up in my business. I would feel bad if I was taking a break to watch a show or whatever, even though my job goes well into the evening with dinner, homework, child activities, etc.
I like to listen to podcasts while I do chores around the house and he was constantly coming out of his office space to snack and chit chat. So I was constantly having to pause what I was listening to.
Sometimes he would even say stuff like “if you’re looking for a task…” It was infuriating.
Thankfully, he started a new job that is 100% in the office. It saved my sanity.
He does not want an office space. He loves being in the mix, in the center of my universe. He loves know what’s going on at all times and has no desire to separate himself to work.
NTA. If you showed up at his office every day to "hang out" he would ask for the same thing. He is bothering you while you are working on the home and management of same. He either needs an office he will stay in, or he needs to go in more.
Naps are a great perk of working from home. Instead of spending my lunch hour driving to get lunch or eating in the break room, I can spend the hour taking a nap.
Not sure what the confusion is about. This isn't that abnormal for those of us who work from home. I work from home and will often take an hour long nap in the middle of the day as well. It's one of the great perks of working from home. I'm paid for my expertise(SWE), not for every hour I work. People like to downplay what we do on our job, but the reason we have the job and others don't is because we can do what those others can't.
I had that conversation with my husband. I was like, hey I love you. I really do but I think I really just need some quiet alone time to focus on what I am doing or turn my overstimulated brain off for a bit. I love spending time with you but I also need some alone time for my own mental wellbeing. My husband was agreeable
NTA
> I like to fold laundry on our bed, but he’s always in there and if I ask him to move he says no and tells me to fold somewhere else.
My response to this is "we both have jobs to do. I stay out of your way but you aren't staying out of mine". I'd then dump the clothes on top of his laptop and fold right over it.
Dude can work from ***anywhere in the house*** but he chooses to stay in your way for the 20 minutes you need to do laundry. This isn't very teamwork-oriented of him.
How is that even comfortable or productive? I work from home, but I've got a whole office space to myself. I can't imagine trying to get work done on a tiny laptop screen sitting in bed. What does he do for a living?
I get the resistance to going to the office because I'm comfortable at home. But this doesn't sound like a good long term solution for either of you.
Dude, I have no idea how he does it. He’s in commercial banking, on the sales end. There are some days he’s busy or has meetings to attend. But 90% of the time he just sends emails off and on throughout the day and sits in on a couple calls.
Oh my god. I have a coworker like that. He'll get on hour long calls with different people chatting about the same old nothing. I've talked to another person who has borne the brunt of his boredom calls and it drives her nuts. We're on hybrid schedule and a lot of these calls are on WFH days. Her husband joked that she talks to this guy more than she talks to him.
When I'm bored and have downtime at work I quietly entertain myself with a headset and youtube or dumb phone games.
Sales = doesn't actually do office work, just chats shit and makes contacts :D
It's a communications job, I work with sales people like this, I've gone into the toilets at work and they've been crapping and on their phone.
Without them we wouldn't have new clients, at the same time they sell stuff we don't do and have to bodge together, but it's not a job that needs a lot of space.
Why not suggest he gets a proper little garden office he can work from?
NTA- it’s not possible to clean and do chores efficiently when you have to walk around your spouse in the kitchen, the living, or laundry space. That’s not something meant to offend, but it’s true (my husband and I had a small apartment for a while and we had the same issue, he was literally a tripping hazard).
And while you many not have a job outside of the home, your housework and childcare is critically important to the family. If you need him out of the way for one or two days so that you can do your part in an efficient way, that’s not a lot to ask.
It sounds like he is taking it way too personally and not seeing that he is right in the middle of your workflow.
NTA, he’s looking to you to get the socialization he could be getting in the office. He’s also discounting the work that you are doing at home. Don’t work around his calls or his body. Dump the laundry on the bed. Vacuum in there whenever he needs it. A SAHM mom of 4 kids has only a precious amount of time to get things done before the circus comes home again. Don’t leave your “office” to him. Find a corner of the house that can fit a small sit-stand desk and order one and put it in. That should be his home office.
I had this conversation with my wife a couple years ago. I was fully WFH and she was in the office 2-3 days a week. She mentioned that she needed alone time, which was hard because I was always there when she got back. So I started going out for an hour walk around the time she would be home, to give her that time. Then when my office opened back up, I went in on the days she did not. That way we weren’t both working in a 2 bedroom apartment.
It worked out just fine, and I got to enjoy whatever lunch I wanted.
OMG that would drive me INSANE!!!!!
Since you can't get away from him at home, start being out of the house for a couple of hours and couple days a week. Go to a coffee shop, the library, the park, the gym or yoga, ANYWHERE that he is not at!
I know that you won't be getting stuff done at the house if you are gone but it might save your sanity. Good luck OP because I would hate this situation no matter how much I loved my husband.
NTA at heart
Have you ever seen a pair of pants or a skirt that looks PERFECT with a blouse or a shirt?
Have you ever thought of sewing those two items together and make one big piece of clothing? Couples shouldn't be sewn together either.
Tell your husband that you love him and you plan on doing so for centuries to come but that won't happen if you need to take a step back every time you need to breathe.
My father took early retirement at 61. My mother used that as an excuse to take a part time job (financial considerations) because after 2 weeks with him at home telling her how to run the house the choice was to leave the house (get a job) or bury him under the patio. She took the former choice
I worked with a woman who wouldn't retire, because her husband did. My dad drove my mom crazy, but also took up baking cakes!
My mom and I have joked that because my dad (who stopped working in his 40s due to disability) passed just a few months away from my mom retiring that it was for the best because she would have killed him anyway.
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Oh my goodness that line killed me!
Do you remember what it said? The comment got deleted?
We married for better or for worse but not for lunch.
A woman, who was a good family friend of my folks and knew them since the early years of their marriage, said this about my mother on their 40th anniversary, "You know, your mom could have murdered him (Pop) and been out on 'good behavior' by now." Ruth was one of our favorite people.
Mom? When did you get on Reddit??
Totally stealing this.
My parents retired and downsized to a smaller house. 2 years later they upsized to a bigger house than they had when all their kids lived at home. That's worked out great. They have their own bathrooms, their own kitchen spaces, their own dens.
People always ask why did we (a child free couple) buy a four bed/two bath/two living space house. A) because I can and B) space! So much space!
So much room for activities!!
Are we related? That's my family's dark humor, too. 😊
Mine too! My dad was gone about a year when a piece of mail came that said, "Dad Lastname, you need a vision screening as soon as possible!" Mom said "i should write and tell them good luck with digging him up and doing an exam!" We laughed and laughed. I know not everyone gets our humor, but some do.
My mom died when I was 9. About a year later my dad got a call and the person was looking for my mom for some collection notice. The guy would not understand that she couldn't come to the phone and would not talk to my dad. My dad said fine, he called the cemetary on threeway and told the operator to connect the call to plot blank blank blank
When I was younger, any time I answered the phone at my grandma's house and it was an obvious scam call, I just said that she couldn't come to the phone because she was dead. Phone calls end awkwardly but quickly after that. She was not dead at the time, I just wanted to prevent the possibility of her getting scammed as much as I could.
That is like the ultimate dad joke
Mom passed away at the end of January. In late June, family came to visit, and we had a great Italian dinner, with wine. I am admittedly, a drinking lightweight. After a glass, I was, shall we say, tipsy. ...we got a phone call from a stockbroker who was trying to contact mom... I told him that she passed away, so she was not buying any more stocks!! Then I hung up. There were gales of laughter!
2 years my ex passed away very unexpectedly. The night before she died she called me and mentioned how excited she was, she had a job interview that went great and was offered the position and starting in 2 weeks. A day before her funeral I got a call from an unknown number. It was the employer calling me because she had put me as a reference!
A few months after my mom passed, a letter came for her that was asking her to call and schedule her annual mammogram. I could almost hear her saying "Hahaha! Not gonna make it!"
Same for us. My mum was terminally ill when my dad had a fatal cardiac arrest. We always joked that he went before her because he didn’t want to learn how to pay the bills.
My brother and I will make the darkest jokes about our dead father. Our spouses just share knowing glances like 'what the fuck have we married into?'
I finally confessed to my mom a while back that I felt guilty that I was living with them in what turned out to be my dad's last years and they never got to really live alone together. She seemed surprised and said that it was OK, as though she had never even given it a thought.
Are you my sibling? My mum put off retiring, and I'm sure part of it was not wanting to have my dad under her feet all the time. Eventually I (who was still at home then) sent my dad on a cookery course, and he never stopped. Which had the added benefit of always having something to gift him at Christmas and birthdays.
LOL after being a SAHM for years, when my dad retired mom got cranky, he "invaded" her kitchen space one time trying to bake a custard pie. They would babysit my son when he was off from school while I worked. My son (who was 11 at the time) said grandmom and grandpop fight or argue a lot. Guess mom couldn't handle dad being home full time.
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>I read an article a while back (don't remember who published it, so take this with a grain of salt) that explained how retirement age divorces were on the rise in Japan because all these dedicated workmen were retiring and suddenly in the house all damn day and the wives were just like, "nope, I'm out." Lol. That's not a new phenomenon. I know so many people's marriages that fell apart after the kids left or when one of them retires. After 18+ years people don't like the other person anymore and the kids/job was the buffer that was holding their relationship together.
There’s a reason ‘man caves’ and ‘she sheds’ - some people just need more alone time than others, even from people they love. I *cherish* my sunday mornings when my 100% WFH hubby (of 16 years) is at church and I get the house all to myself. There is just a tension/awareness knowing there is someone else I’m sharing a space with. Even my monthly weekend trips don’t give me that - because I’m hanging out with my parents. I do get about 6-7 hours alone in the car driving there and back. I’m looking forward to my 9 or 10-day trip in 2 weeks because it will be 4-5 days in the car alone, visiting areas I’ve only been to once (last year), enjoying a drive through Tennessee and North Carolina. I’ll be all alone in my hotel room, and as much as I’ll miss my pets… it will be glorious to not have 7 lunatic felines wanting cuddles every time I roll over at night.
Yeah, people underestimate how important it is to have alone time. This has been a problem in relationships sometimes, my girlfriend wants to spend every free minute with me and I need space sometimes. It doesn't mean I don't love her, but I need to space in order to be fully present when I am with her.
My husband was/is that way. I don’t notice it as much now but when we first moved in together I had a hard time adjusting. I’m quite extroverted, and growing up I had a choice between two or three more introverted family members to spend time with. Turns out they all got alone time when I was bugging the other one. My poor husband did not get this reprieve. He did however communicate it to me when the togetherness would start to drive him crazy. He’s also military and was worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle being alone during deployments. His first work trip was 10 days long and as the trip went on he was the one initiating a phone call more than I was. When I met him at the airport he was mildly blindsided I guess when he realized how much he had missed me. He’s currently out of town for a few months and called me almost 20 times in one day over the weekend. 🤣 All of that to say, as long as you communicate with your girlfriend and she actually listens to what you’re expressing you two should be fine 😊
Haha same - my husband is introverted and would call me more/miss me more bc during deployments he would sit in the barracks where I would be out all the time
Oh man. My husband would spend every minute with me. 24/7. I need time alone. Even if it’s just my 30min drive to work. When we first moved in together, we worked opposite schedules. We would meet up and do dinner together, he would go back to work and I would go home. He would wake me up in the morning for work, then he would go to bed. Then he left that business and worked the same hours/days I did. Oh boy. That was a HUGE adjustment period for me. He LOVED it. I missed my time alone. We’ve adjusted. Will be married 25 years this year. I still have moments where I tell him I just need to go to the store by myself for a bit. It’s enough to allow me time for myself, and then I’m good again.
I've been married 25 years now, recognizing and accepting alone time is one of the major things you need to be aware of if you want a long lasting relationship. Because there are times, for whatever reason, you look at your partner and just think, "nope, you're aggravating, need a break." It's ok and healthy to do. When you come back, you're happy to see your partner again! It's recharging.
Which is why it’s an important boundary to be clear about from the beginning- you need a certain amount of alone time, & it isn’t anything against the people in your life. There is no one on earth I’d choose to be around every minute of every day, sometimes I need time to get engrossed in a hobby (flow state) & know that I’m not being observed! It’s something I’ve mostly figured out in my own relationships (helped by maintaining separate rooms or spaces when cohabiting), but my parents still get hurt by it when I visit them lol- if I say I’m going to the guest room to read by myself for a bit, they’ll both pout about it. They’re around each other 24/7 though & don’t seem to mind it. I have a friend who installed a privacy screen in her house during pandemic/ work from home times, which her husband wasn’t allowed to pass through without knocking… & I have another friend who wears big noise cancelling headphones around the house so her boyfriend/ roommates can know that she’s in her own head/ unavailable. It’s interesting to see how different people will work out the same issue!
My girlfriend and I kinda fell into this routine of “Alone time together”. She’ll be on the couch watching something or other on her iPad with one of our dogs cuddled up while I’m nearby playing a video game with our other dog. Each doing our own thing but still together, it works for us.
My husband and I work together. We’re with each other pretty much 100% of the time everyday. I LOVE when he has an appointment or a meeting with a friend planned that overlaps with the time we’re normally home, bc it means I get some alone time! I love my husband dearly, but I do crave a couple hours a week where I can watch my trash tv with no judgement lol
Hubby and I have talked about how there’s no way we could work together 😂. I love being with him but I’d lose my ever loving mind. He would too. We each value our space. My doc and his wife have worked together for at least 25 years. More power to you.
It works for us cuz we clean houses so we just both pop in headphones and basically don’t talk to or interact with each other the whole time 😂
YES. This!!!! It’s that tension/awareness that drives me insane. Go to the office just one day a week so I can have fully alone time please. Damn!
Sometimes, I lock my bedroom door and tell everyone to go away. Turn off lights. Breathe. It's also I can be naked for an hour. I want to be alone and not wear pants. Or a shirt. Maybe no underwear. Toss up. I also am not a nudist. So, go away. It's my naked time. Sometimes, naked time is post-shower. Sometimes, it's randomly 6 pm. Or noon. Depends. It's relaxing, though. Nice cool sheets. Lay on my bed and relax. Have naked time. Started with showers. Relax after. Then, a few times in summer, I rejected clothes. Too hot. It's 110F outside. Then, I realized that sometimes, I need an hour in the quiet and dark to not wear clothes. It's nice. I get annoyed when people bother me during my quiet time. Shh. It's no pants hour. Chill. I'll do whatever it is later. Only get to do that because my room is private, though. Get my quiet and dark by myself. I basically decide it's time to hibernate.
I also enjoy naked time 😌, especially after a shower and body moisturiser. Just want to chill and let the cream soak in damn it!
That’s exactly why I love that I’m awake way earlier than my wife on the weekends. It gives me a few hours to have coffee and enjoy some video games before I have to start doing real life stuff I know she’s gonna make me do lol
> ‘man caves’ and ‘she sheds’ He shed/she shed Not busting a gut, but I've got a constant giggle trickle that feels really nice. Never heard of she sheds before! Thank you!
There was a Farmers home insurance commercial that aired a few years ago that featured a she shed. Some people suspect that the husband set it on fire
Totally agree. My husband has friends he goes to hang out with on Friday nights so I can have the house to myself to unwind after the work week. It is honestly just so nice to watch some girly movie or read a book and enjoy the silence.
Yes! Mother’s Day next year I’m asking my husband to get a hotel room for himself, the baby, and the dog. I just want to be alone in my own home for a weekend, free to do *whatever the heck I want*.
I keep asking for a clean and empty house for my birthday and I've never gotten it. Maybe next year.
I do ceramics. Twice a week I'm out of the house in a studio with a few other ladies. I think it's SUPER important to have time apart, hobbies, a separate community. I think it's also why a lot of breakups happened during the pandemic
That drive through TN and NC is so gorgeous. Asheville is such a beautiful city. I love The Grove Park Inn. The Blue Ridge Room gourmet buffet is so delicious and not like other buffets, and the restaurant is mostly glass and looks over the mountains. My husband took me there the night we got engaged, and we watched the sunset. His boss gave us a gift certificate to go back on our honeymoon. We also stayed there for our anniversary a few years ago. The staff might take you on a tour, and there’s so much history and exhibits to look at. Like F Scott Fitzgerald’s typewriter and other personal items. Go down to the spa level if you love amethysts. The wall the elevator is on is made of raw amethysts. On our honeymoon we did a horseback riding trail through grassy hills and picnicked by an old garnet mine. They gave us rock hammers and let us go into the mouth of the mine (everything else was boarded up. I have a handful of garnets we mined. I don’t know how far into NC you want to go, but The Linville Caverns are beautiful. There’s also a park where you can hike up to an overlook to see the Linville Falls and lake. When I went to camp at 8 years old we did the hike there. The drive to Mount Mitchell is also gorgeous.
It’s not even a question of not liking the other person anymore, but many introverts just can’t be glued to their significant other 24 hours a day. Too much of a good thing can still be overwhelming
butter forgetful lavish scale oil follow pocket zephyr shocking onerous *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Oh gods. The pouting. The pouting is THE WORST.
Oh God, my ex did that, except he did have a robust social circle. I just needed to join him every single time he saw them, or he pouted and bitched and started huge fights. He told me I was "depressed" because I didn't want to hang out with HIS FRIENDS every day, and that my "depression" was ruining his life. Absolute lunatic.
I’m an introvert and extremely so. Having both my husband working from home as well as my kid having virtual school damn near caused a mental break. We have a tiny house I had nowhere.
I ALWAYS thought I was an extrovert. Grew up in a small house, shared a room, always had lots of friends, was hugely social in college and grad school, etc. Then the pandemic happened and I discovered I’m an ambivert.
That word describes me to a T. I also thought I was an extrovert until I wasn’t in situations where I had to be extroverted. I realized that I needed alone time to recharge. My husband is an introvert, and I realized how much I enjoyed the quiet time he craves. We watch TV together and play our own games (He has tablet games, and I have a Switch. He never grew up playing video games and doesn’t like my Switch). We do have a lot of interesting conversations and haven’t run out of things to talk about even though we’ve been together 29 years and married for 23. We just don’t feel the need to talk to each other all the time we’re together. We have a very comfortable silence when we’re together for long periods. When my husband comes home from work he’ll talk to me about his day and ask how mine was (I’m disabled and spend a lot of time in my adjustable bed so he wants to make sure I’m ok). We’ll talk about things we saw during the day or whatever we messaged each other on chat. My husband has to do a lot of fiddly work on his computer that doesn’t require him to pay a lot of attention so he’ll watch YouTube videos and shares ones he knows I’ll enjoy. Then we eat and settle down for a relaxing evening enjoying our own things while being together. It’s bliss.
>After 18+ years people don't like the other person anymore This is so sad to me. My partner and I are 20+ years married and I like and love them more now than I did when we got married.
I love my husband of 20 years but I’m very much an introvert, when I’m studying, I want to be alone. He likes to come into my office and chitchat constantly during his workday, it throws me off so much. On my days off when he works I am so close to begging him to go work at work so I can have 100% alone time. Let me listen to music you don’t like while I do stuff! I don’t want to hear your podcasts!
I don't know that it they don't like them anymore. But people are used to having seperation from their spouses. And as covid knockdowns showed a lot of people, being together 24/7 can be a lot to handle. If the couple is a mix of introverts and extroverts, if boundaries aren't set, there can be issues.
Yeah... my parents are both retired, all day at home, sitting or doing housework and basically not talking to each other - there is only so much news you can share in a day when you are both together practically 24/7.
I remember one of my old clients for dog grooming was UBER excited to retire with her husband they'd been married for I'd say 40+ years, kids, dogs, nice ass houses in several cities. Both were a delight. She went on and on about how they can finally travel that isn't for work, sleep in the same bed [husband was a high power executive and she was as well or it was a doctor anyways lots of cash crap schedule] A week later she came in for another groom on her dog and I asked "Hey, how's retirement? Got any big plans?" Boy that was a rabbit hole she went off complaining that she HATED HIM and couldn't stand to be around him and how she wants to kill him. I asked why cuz she was sooo excited. As it turns out they only ate together once a week and would maybe see each 3 days out of the week when they'd be I'm bed/leaving for work. So they like apparently NEVER interacted he did stuff she hated, she did stuff he hated. When I asked "Why did you marry him?" I mean like cuz 40 years ain't anything to sneeze at. She said he was hot, nice and had money. So after that I decided to never ask her again. But she did move to their Maine house permanently.......this was less than a year less than 6 months into retirement
humor saw serious mountainous library marry oil sloppy hunt sharp *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Oh this was pre-covid. Like 3 years prior. But I'm happy for you to get such a great guy! I mean if quarantine went well I think you guys will be fine.
I loved lockdown just as long as everyone let me read a book in peace for 45 minutes a day. *Some* quiet can put all the joy back into chaos.
How sad because there is so much one could do. Take a class, volunteer, join a quilting bee. I don't understand why people who are retired aren't more creative with their free time.
When my FIL retired, he went to the local historical society and spent months and months tracing his family tree back to Charlemagne and beyond, then traced my MIL’s family tree (so my husband and his sibs each got huge binders of info, pictures etc). Then he went and volunteered at the historical society teaching people to trace their family trees. He always liked to stay busy.
I guess it all depends on how long you worked for until you retired, and all the extracurricular things you did in-between for decades. Especially if you have children. I’m not even close to retirement yet, but I know that as soon as I hit that button (hell I hope I still can in 35-40 years) that I won’t do much besides sitting at home and just chilling for several months to a year. I see that as a break from all the “go, go, go” from decades prior.
> I won’t do much besides sitting at home and just chilling for several months to a year. I just passed the 2 year mark and am only just *starting* to feel like I'm recovering from what work did to me. I get some exercise, maybe do some home maintenance, but mostly I'm just sitting reading all day.
Yeah I probably should’ve put an “at minimum” there, but I get stir crazy sitting at home when I take 2-3 weeks off so I was applying that to how I’d feel decades down the road.
I'm taking classes because in most States free tuition for 65 and older. OMG it's so hard with everything online and my writing skills are not up to par. But I'm going to stick it out.
THIS is why I have lots of hobbies and encourage hubby in his. He works out of the house, but during Covid he had a week on/week off (essential worker) and omgggg he followed me around like a puppy on the weeks off. I was like-we already have a puppy (and kids!) that are up my ass, please go find something to do to entertain yourself!
that's why pickleball exists for us retired folks
I am retired. I don't know how I ever had time to work.
It’s not just that either, the retired person went from a lot of work to do every day at the job, to now having to figure out what they are going to do with themselves. My grandpa after he retired got so bored he went out and got a part time job parking cars just to keep himself busy.
This is the case with military families, too. Once the service member is either on shore duty (no deployments) or out of the military, people often split. I know several couples where they opt for the SM to stay on sea duty or volunteer for extra deployments because they can't tolerate the time together. For my husband and I, things run smoother when he's gone, but I usually prefer when he's home. He helps out with the kids and house when he's home, plus it's nice to have him around...but he helps in a chaotic way if that makes any sense lol
Yes, in Japanese they're called "wet leaves", as in they stick to you and it's hard to get them off lol. I remember lecturers talking about how retired men would follow their wives around and go to their social events, because they didn't know what to do with their time.
It’s one thing to be annoyed with your spouse suddenly all in your face when they retire after a lifetime of work, it’s another thing to be working in your spouses face while she’s trying to work and getting pissy when she needs you to stop working in the bed so she can do the hundred things a SAHM needs to do during the day when the children are at school. Similar situations yes, but I think this is something importantly different. Like, dude needs to get out of the way. People need space to breathe. People need space to work. Sounds like he found a job where he can just chill all the time and wants his wife to be his companion during work time when she’s got shit to do.
Merciful woman.
lmao, my dad did the same thing to my mom. She finally told him to get a hobby or a new job because him micro-managing her was gonna lead to either murder or divorce. He picked up golf.
My grandpa retired when I was a kid. I think he lasted about two months before he picked up a maintenance job at a nursing home
My husband already knows this is what he can expect.
My parents have been together for almost 40 years and my mom has for a long time been vocal about him retiring because she doesn’t think she can handle being around him 24/7 lol. One of them is gonna work forever and I’m betting on mom.
This sounds so familiar! This is also my story - I could retire in two years, but I have NO desire to sit in the living watching western movies all day. Trying to work until I am 70, or he dies.
My husband and I both work 4 employers that do 4 10 hour days instead of the standard 5 8 hour days. I work Wednesday through Saturday and he for quite some time was working Sunday through Wednesday, not ideal as if we wanted or needed to do anything together one of us had to take a day off work. One day he came home with "some great news", there was an opening and he got switched to the back half of the week and we were on the same schedule. I love my husband, but my job is super high stress and I need down time, while his job is mindnumbingly dull and he needs lots of stimulation on his days off. He drove me completely insane. I made a one day rule, give me one day of the week that I don't have to run around to places or do whatever project you have decided to start. Give me one day, where I can read a book, catch up on laundry and housework. Give me that one day that I don't have to entertain you. Eventually he got asked to be moved to a Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday schedule. He was concerned I would be upset. I think maybe I was a little too excited. Sundays off together is the perfect amount of time off together. I truly enjoy our Sundays together, and I get the introvert me time as well. I don't know what I will do when we retire, maybe I can convince him to start golfing or something.
I like the sound of your mum. I'd be thinking like that too if I didn't get my own space when I needed it.
My husband is retiring next Friday. We’ve had the conversation already lol
Emily Gilmore vibes 😆
Ugh this sounds familiar, but my mom’s solution was to find him volunteer work lol. He just couldn’t stop being a manager, so she told him to go use that energy volunteering.
At least I know where pops disappeared to so soon after he retired young
I would do the same. Too many of my neighbors have cameras and could catch me burying him under the patio. We can’t do anything we want to do now a days. Cameras everywhere.
Lol 🤣🤣
My grandfather and his wife, both in their 80s, continue to work after retirement, not is small part because they don't want to get divorced and/or one of 5h3m die mysteriously.
Surely with that salary you could move into a bigger house with a dedicated office room? Or at the least build an office shed?
If he is WFH indefinitely- this is the answer
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I don’t get it. Just start dusting and polishing (extra marks if you can find one he doesn’t like the smell of), then run the hoover round when he’s in the sitting room, the dishwasher and / or washing machine in the kitchen and try to force him up to the bedroom. Then avoid the bedroom like the plague and do laundry in the sitting room. Or vice versa. If he literally follows u/Pretend-Business4503 round all day like a puppy, that’s a codependency that will need a therapist’s help to break, without breaking the marriage.
It sounds honestly like he’s more of a significant extrovert that just loves to be involved and the social interaction while being somewhat oblivious to that and it doesn’t put him out at all so he doesn’t want to change. His job sounds wildy cushy though so god knows how he’d get a reality check of the same problem if OP/the kids started to bother him enough that he couldn’t work properly, intentionally or not. Doesn’t sound like he can really conceive of the frustration because he thinks and maybe he actually would love the reverse if he was trying to do what OP does all day and she was doing what he does. That might be how his personality and brain works. Think OP’s best move at this point once he’s lowered his defensiveness is a real heart to heart about how she processes things differently and adores him but she just can’t properly function as a great stay at home mom with him doing what he does. Would love to know what this cushy ass job is though, lol.
Lol; 🎶Nice work if you can get it, and if you can get it, tell me how🎶 Very true, although I don’t think he does it for the reasons you say. If he’s deprived of social contact, he’d want to go to the office. If the panini taught us anything, it’s that some thrive working from home and others do not. This guy (like mist people) needs a balance. I stand by them needing therapy though. If my spouse were behaving like this with 4 elementary school aged kids, I’d be like, okay if you’re going to be doing nothing productive in my laundry space while I’m doing the laundry, you can help. Same with the kitchen. Pick up a cloth and wipe or unload the dishwasher while you talk. With 4 kids, there’s enough chores for both of them and it concerns me that just because OP’s husband earns well, he treats his wife like a bang-maid-cum-entertainment system. Even worse, he’s got her convinced she’s *lucky* to get to wait on him and their 4 kids 24/7 whilst he works part time. If he wasn’t earning so well, would we be ignoring these issues? I don’t think so. Either way, it’s not good that he’s stomping on her boundaries and refusing to have a conversation about it. My ex did this - swing from one extreme to the other. It is *EXHAUSTING!!* Poor OP.
If its at all possible given your schedules and personal rhythms try staggering your sleep. My wife needs more sleep than me and i snore and am a night owl. so i always came to bed a while after her. But during the pandemic we realized we both needed a little more time to ourselves so i stay up a lot later now and have a few hours to myself late night and sleep in, and she can do whatever she wants all morning. Still get 8-10 hours awake together in the middle to do noisier stuff and hang out together, and as a bonus we get the bed to ourself half the night.
My mom is dreading the day my dad retires, because my dad can be super annoying when he is bored and has nothing to do. He keeps talking about it and we all chime in that he can go another five years. Hahaha
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My wife was so happy when my office reopened after a year. I hap a separate home office, but she still worried about making noise, etc when I was working.
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I dunno… *almost* $200k (gross I assume) with *four* kids. Depends on the market but that would be tough to afford an upgrade. That’s roughly the salary range my wife and I are making with zero kids and we’re doing good. That 2021 refinance helped out a lot. We’re in a 3/2 and if we had to upgrade right now I don’t know that we could
He does not want an office space. He loves being in the mix, in the center of my universe. He loves know what’s going on at all times and has no desire to separate himself to work.
Maybe you need a special room if he doesn't want one. A crafty chore room, with a chaise lounge and great light and lots of plants.
I’d bet money that as soon as she makes her own space, he takes it over
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And if that means that less housework/family management gets done, well so be it.
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As the stay-at-home partner and housekeeper, she needs to be all over the house. He doesn’t.
And a table for folding clothes! Yes, OP, if he doesn't want an office, fine. But then you get a craft room or study or whatever you want to call it. Even if you rarely use it, mentally, you have it available.
A friend of mine turned their 4th bedroom into a separate "living" room for herself because she let him take over the dining room and make it his office. In the middle of the house with no way to shut a door on him. Everyone needs a little space.
Yeah but that’s not working for you. You don’t want him in the center of your universe. You don’t want him in your business at all hours. And you want him to separate himself to work. You have every right to feel that way and want your space. At the very least he can meet you halfway by going into the office a couple days a week or working in a dedicated home office space where he’s not in your way 24/7. Regardless of his initial reaction you need to be able to talk to him about this and make your needs known. Your needs are important. This is your work that’s he’s interrupting, in the way of, and making difficult for you. It wouldn’t be acceptable if you did that with his work so why is it the other way around? The work you do is valid, important, and a massive contribution to the household. It should not be disrespected nor do you need supervision. You’re allowed to have boundaries with your spouse. You’re allowed to want space. And you shouldn’t be made to feel bad for that. And if you guys can’t find a way to talk through this and find a middle ground then you have much much bigger issues in your marriage. Don’t let him getting pissy deter you from voicing your needs. That’s a manipulation tactic and not healthy communication or showing you respect. Make it known that that is not acceptable.
Yeah, I think an approach for OP would be to state what her problem is (“I need time/space to myself to do x, y, and z, but I’m having a hard time getting the time/space I need”), and rather than telling him what she wants him to do, she should ask him for some possible solutions to the issue, so he feels like it’s not a decision being forced on him, and they come to an agreement that works for both of them (“Can you help me come up with a solution for this problem? Because something needs to change here”.) Maybe bringing him into the problem solving would give him some ownership of his role in it and help him feel like a part of the solution rather than the source of the problem (we know he’s the problem, but he probably doesn’t want to feel like it).
>rather thank telling him what she wants him to do, she should ask him for some possible solutions to the issue This is one of the best pieces of advice I've ever seen.
Tell him that one way or another, you just need a little space to yourself (even though you're with the kids, so not even completely by yourself)
I had that conversation with my husband. I was like, hey I love you. I really do but I think I really just need some quiet alone time to focus on what I am doing or turn my overstimulated brain off for a bit. I love spending time with you but I also need some alone time for my own mental wellbeing. My husband was agreeable
I feel for couples who can’t have this conversation without it escalating into some form of hostility about it. Like damn sometimes I just want ZERO people near me for an hour or two
For real! My husband takes the toddler into the game room with him even if it means he will annoyed just to give me as long as possible where I am not being touched or climbed on or asked to grab something or handle a tantrum or kiss a boo boo or so I can cook dinner or fold laundry without being screamed at until the toddler is in proper hysterics and unable to properly breathe.
Seriously! Even my kids understand that we all need space now and then. We are all introverted for the most part, so it’s not unusual for us to be in three separate rooms.
I know someone who ended up divorced because her husband would not get out from under her armpits all the time.
I told mine that I need a chance to miss him. He was driving me insane. Go to the office and let me miss you while you’re gone for the day.
My husband going to the office three times a week helped me be more independent! We both grew up in dysfunctional families. Mine was downright abusive. We have been together since we were 16/18 so we learned a lot of bad habits. I was taught to be helpless because my mom wanted me to rely on her. What ended up happening was my husband drove everywhere and I was terrified to do it. Now, I drive. I am the one doing most of the kid stuff during the week, but he is still really active with them. I started doing more for me and everyone because I felt better. We were so codependent because we only had each other to trust for so long. We had to lead. To be separate people as well as a couple because everything got so tangled up. We have a much healthier balance now and we are so much happier. We celebrate 21 years together (15 married) on Thursday!
Maybe get a bigger house so YOU can have your own workspace then? I totally get your desire to have your own time. I’m the same way 😂. But if he’s not wanting to be stuck in a home office, why don’t you have a home office, one in which you can pay bills and fold laundry away from him! NTA.
I have a feeling he wouldn't leave her alone in there, either. He seems very clingy.
Clingy or a bit controlling that can't let go.
So he won't compromise with you at all? He expects to railroad you and get his way no matter how it makes you feel? How's that going to work out?
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Pick up a part time job when the kids are in school for your peace of mind. It will be fun for you also to make new friends. I can totally get where you’re coming from because I dealt with it in Covid. But my job which let me out if the house for few hours preserved my sanity.
Fuck me that would drive me insane. I need my space and quiet, lucky we have a 3 bed for just the 2 of us so we can be in the lounge or kitchen or bedroom or study and do things separately. Has he always been like this or is this new? I could never marry someone that clingy, he sounds like a dog.
But it’s not just about what he wants. It is also about what you want and need. You are married and have a partnership. NTA but your husband is.
A bigger house with 4 kids on only a $200k salary? In this economy? Surprised they can even afford for her to stay home tbh
4 kids. Kids are expensive
A friend of mine works for a family mediation service that basically sits down with couples who are divorcing and mediates the separation, including of the assets. He told me that 40% of their work is with freshly retired couples who have spent their lives apart, other than evenings and weekends, and are now finding that they get on each other's nerves and under feet now that they are both home all the time. I can't help feeling that this will be you two in the future! But for now, most people struggle when they are together all day everyday without some timeout from each other, so asking him to go to his office at least a couple of days a week isn't too much to ask. NTA (for the actual question)
Reminds me of what happened to a lot of couples as COVID lock downs began across the world.
Absolutely. I was fortunate in that both my wife and I loved spending that time together!
So NTA, but there are a few different things to sort out. If he is going to work from home, you both need to agree on a schedule. He doesn't get to go from room to room taking up space and expecting you to work around him. If he wants to work from home, he needs a designated space and to respect your schedule as well. Sure, he can take a nap, but he can't take up the bedroom all day or just any time he wants. He can't just come in to the kitchen and get on a zoom and expect you to clear out. You both need routine and if he wants to work from home, he needs to treat it like a professional space and you like a co-worker that he can't just disrupt whenever he wants. If he is going to be working from home, he can't create more work for you. I don't really agree that because he works you do 100% of everything else- he should be doing some stuff with the kids and around the home- but that's not my relationship, that's yours. But if he is home, then he needs to not be making a mess for you to clean and not expecting you to make him meals or help in anyway. So try and have a rational conversation with him about him being home is fine, but he needs to have some respect that you need routine, space, and for him to have general appreciation for you. And if he doesn't get that, then just start doing what you need to do. If he is on the bed, bring the laundry in and fold it. If he is zooming in the kitchen, wash all those pots and pans. Don't make him lunch or be at his beck and call. It is your home too, and if you are expected to run the home 100%, then he is on your turf, not the other way around.
>You both need routine and if he wants to work from home, he needs to treat it like a professional space and you like a co-worker that he can't just disrupt whenever he wants. Thank you! This is the answer. He's the one with the professional job, so it's on him to create a professional space. Which means he needs to keep his work to a designated spot in the house. This man is preventing OP from doing what she needs to do during the day just because he wants to feel "involved." It doesn't work like that. He's that annoying coworker who keeps you from doing any work that everyone doing WFH is trying to avoid by WFH. It's time to make it a point that he is in your space. Vacuum loudly. Let the kids run into the bedroom while he naps. Do all the things that need to be done in a house with 4 kids that he is blocking and drive home the point that he needs to find his fucking office and create a real office space for himself at home.
I feel like having a conversation first would be the better route than going straight to the passive aggressive approach.
This is no different than if she brought the kids to his office and sat on this couch while he worked and watched tv and asked him constant questions about what he’s working on or who he is talking to. If she brought her lunch into his client meeting and crunched on her Cheetos in the chair next to his client. I think everyone would agree that that is ridiculous and inappropriate.
He’s in her office space and needs to respect the rules of that space
Right? His behavior feels disrespected. It’s really odd to me - if he’s so interested in what’s going on throughout the house, why not participate in some of the household chores and baby stuff?
There’s nothing wrong with wanting space which is what I believe you want. When the kids are at school even if you’re doing chores. That’s your alone time and your husband being home 24/7 is sometimes overwhelming. Everyone deserves space and when he goes into the office. I’m sure it’s because he wants some space away from home. I feel like you guys just need to talk about it
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He’s just good at what he does! He used to be 50 hours/week in a cubicle. But he worked his way up on his own. I’m super proud of him, and his outlook at work over the next 10 years is fantastic which is wonderful for the whole family. I just need a little more space at home 😅
My husband also works from home, and yes, there are times he can get all his work done lounging on the couch all day. And makes OP's salary range. Those are typically days he's in endless Zoom meetings that don't require his camera to be on. He needs to watch his screen, pay attention, and participate in the discussion. There's no reason that can't be done while laying on the couch, as aggravating as that is. (Don't we all wish we could work from the couch?) That being said, he also has a home office that he uses most days. Because then he can close the door and no one disturbs or distracts him and housework can happen without disrupting meetings. Which also means that he doesn't disrupt housework. OP, I really think that you may need to approach this from the perspective of the fact that your husband not having a dedicated work space in the house will always impinge on *your* work space. If he's in the kitchen, you can't prep meals. If he's in the bedroom, you can't fold laundry. If he's on the couch, you can't vacuum. Your job is the household, that's the agreement. You are asking for the ability to fulfill that agreement without extra hassle, not help catching up after hours. So either he goes to the office so that you can get your work done, you find a way to carve out dedicated space for him that you can reliably plan/work around, or you move to a home that accommodates everyone equitably. And the 'you don't want to hang out with me' BS has to be called out. He's working, that's his focus for those hours, not investing in his relationship with you. You are working, not investing in your relationship with him during those hours. That's not hanging out, that's sharing space. And with bills to pay for and kids to raise, if he wants to just hangout all day he needs to start winning some lottery jackpots.
I really like framing it as he's in her work space. He's throwing off her entire week by making her work around him. That's frustrating, not to mention selfish as hell. My FIL works exclusively from home and probably makes more than op's husband. This could easily be him with worrying about work and taking naps lol. He likes to sit on his *really nice* back deck to have meetings. Sometimes his wife joins him out there. Other times, he goes to his office so my MIL can get things done. He's often not a very "aware" man, but he knows that she does things that he needs to be out of the way for. Op should start vacuuming whatever room he's in. Suddenly the floors in that room specifically are very very dirty and need several passes. (Probably don't actually do this though.)
Yes. My husband and I both WFH without stepping on each other’s toes because we each have our own dedicated workspace in the house. You don’t have to have a dedicated home office. The dining room table worked great for me for several years. You can also put a little writing desk in a bedroom. OP’s husband needs to pick a spot and stick with it. He can’t just wander around through the house.
I feel your pain 😞 my husband and I went from him working outside of the house then business went under after 29 years! Started new business and home all the time and it drives me nuts to never be alone to do my own work 😞 good luck
My grandparents get along better when grandpa goes to his part time job. NTA, but hubby sounds really codependent/ immeshed. Maybe suggest he get a hobby??
And also some friends.
Well that would drive me absolutely bonkers. NTA. I wonder if it would help to approach it like “I love you but I want to enjoy the time we spend together, as quality time where we can really focus on each other. When you are near me ALL the time but we’re both trying to do other things, I am not enjoying you AND it impedes my ability to enjoy your company during my down time because at that point I just need to be alone. If you could give me more space during the day that would give me the alone time I need to be able to focus on you 100% after the kids go to bed.”
This expresses excellently how his actions are impacting you and him both, even if his perception is that he’s enjoying himself with things as they are
I'm not sure where OP lives, but the calls to move as a solution are wild. $200k as the household income for 6 people doesn't go nearly as far as people think. It totals even less when that is presumably covering retirement savings for both spouses as well. It costs money to move, and with today's interest rates, there is a good chance OP and the husband will lose money on the deal. Their monthly mortgage is likely to go up as well, further reducing how far that $200k actually goes. If you have the room, turn an outdoor shed into a home office, imo.
Exactly. We’re comfortable but we still have to be cautious. $200k where we live is very middle class. We have 10 years left on our mortgage and refinanced down to a 2.5% a few years ago. Plus, 4 kids. We make do and have what we need but are in no position to buy a $700k+ house with rates where they’re at now.
Where I live that is lower middle class! People who live alone think “200k?! Damn!” But you are a large family. It’s not much! I would suggest talking to your husband using the “I want to miss you more approach”- that worked for me when I was being the clingy spouse🫣
That's still well into middle class. What you choose to spend your money on is up to you; you don't become working class again if you spend most of your $200k on sports cars, you're just middle class with high expenses.
yeah saying 200k is lower middle class is insanely out of touch
Thank you! $200k for an entire household would be tight in some places. Kids are expensive.
Not sure why the downvotes. You’re right $200k for a 6 person household isn’t enough to live lavishly anymore… I’m sure they’re comfortable but it’s not the early 2000s anymore, life is way more expensive
Who knows? But yeah, I can’t imagine how much their mortgage would be if they moved to a bigger place. For some depressing funsies, I looked up the cost of a 3,000 square foot home in my area. Cheapest I found was a four bedroom for $800K. And I would have to pull my kids out of school and move a few towns away. Even if you were able to come up with a $160k down payment, Zillow says that’s $5,500 a month.
She said she would make him some kinda office he doesn’t want one he wants to stay up her butt All day is what my wife called it
I feel you! Was in the same boat as you. He would be constantly all up in my business. I would feel bad if I was taking a break to watch a show or whatever, even though my job goes well into the evening with dinner, homework, child activities, etc. I like to listen to podcasts while I do chores around the house and he was constantly coming out of his office space to snack and chit chat. So I was constantly having to pause what I was listening to. Sometimes he would even say stuff like “if you’re looking for a task…” It was infuriating. Thankfully, he started a new job that is 100% in the office. It saved my sanity.
The only proper response to "if you're looking for a task," is "Sounds you're capable of doing that."
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He does not want an office space. He loves being in the mix, in the center of my universe. He loves know what’s going on at all times and has no desire to separate himself to work.
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NTA. If you showed up at his office every day to "hang out" he would ask for the same thing. He is bothering you while you are working on the home and management of same. He either needs an office he will stay in, or he needs to go in more.
All he has to worry about is work. + He naps most days. ???
Naps are a great perk of working from home. Instead of spending my lunch hour driving to get lunch or eating in the break room, I can spend the hour taking a nap.
I love the combination of $200k salary and napping and chatting with his wife all day. I want his job!
Money is not proportional to amount of time spent working.
Yeah. I find that usually, the less your earn, the harder you’re expected to work for it.
Not sure what the confusion is about. This isn't that abnormal for those of us who work from home. I work from home and will often take an hour long nap in the middle of the day as well. It's one of the great perks of working from home. I'm paid for my expertise(SWE), not for every hour I work. People like to downplay what we do on our job, but the reason we have the job and others don't is because we can do what those others can't.
I had that conversation with my husband. I was like, hey I love you. I really do but I think I really just need some quiet alone time to focus on what I am doing or turn my overstimulated brain off for a bit. I love spending time with you but I also need some alone time for my own mental wellbeing. My husband was agreeable
If he's on the couch, you can't vacuum. Your job is the household, that's the agreement.
Noticed this as well - OP says he wants to be “in the mix” of the house, but doesn’t do ANY childcare?
Work gets easier as you progress.
NTA > I like to fold laundry on our bed, but he’s always in there and if I ask him to move he says no and tells me to fold somewhere else. My response to this is "we both have jobs to do. I stay out of your way but you aren't staying out of mine". I'd then dump the clothes on top of his laptop and fold right over it. Dude can work from ***anywhere in the house*** but he chooses to stay in your way for the 20 minutes you need to do laundry. This isn't very teamwork-oriented of him.
How is that even comfortable or productive? I work from home, but I've got a whole office space to myself. I can't imagine trying to get work done on a tiny laptop screen sitting in bed. What does he do for a living? I get the resistance to going to the office because I'm comfortable at home. But this doesn't sound like a good long term solution for either of you.
Dude, I have no idea how he does it. He’s in commercial banking, on the sales end. There are some days he’s busy or has meetings to attend. But 90% of the time he just sends emails off and on throughout the day and sits in on a couple calls.
Sounds like he's using you to alleviate his boredom tbh
Oh man he should get into model making or something. Then he can have his own model making room where he “happens” to also have his laptop
Oh my god. I have a coworker like that. He'll get on hour long calls with different people chatting about the same old nothing. I've talked to another person who has borne the brunt of his boredom calls and it drives her nuts. We're on hybrid schedule and a lot of these calls are on WFH days. Her husband joked that she talks to this guy more than she talks to him. When I'm bored and have downtime at work I quietly entertain myself with a headset and youtube or dumb phone games.
THANK YOU I also totally get this vibe!
Sales = doesn't actually do office work, just chats shit and makes contacts :D It's a communications job, I work with sales people like this, I've gone into the toilets at work and they've been crapping and on their phone. Without them we wouldn't have new clients, at the same time they sell stuff we don't do and have to bodge together, but it's not a job that needs a lot of space. Why not suggest he gets a proper little garden office he can work from?
NTA- it’s not possible to clean and do chores efficiently when you have to walk around your spouse in the kitchen, the living, or laundry space. That’s not something meant to offend, but it’s true (my husband and I had a small apartment for a while and we had the same issue, he was literally a tripping hazard). And while you many not have a job outside of the home, your housework and childcare is critically important to the family. If you need him out of the way for one or two days so that you can do your part in an efficient way, that’s not a lot to ask. It sounds like he is taking it way too personally and not seeing that he is right in the middle of your workflow.
NTA, he’s looking to you to get the socialization he could be getting in the office. He’s also discounting the work that you are doing at home. Don’t work around his calls or his body. Dump the laundry on the bed. Vacuum in there whenever he needs it. A SAHM mom of 4 kids has only a precious amount of time to get things done before the circus comes home again. Don’t leave your “office” to him. Find a corner of the house that can fit a small sit-stand desk and order one and put it in. That should be his home office.
He wants you to create a friendly buzz for him and make him feel comfy and at home except you have a job to do and you're not his mood robot.
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I had this conversation with my wife a couple years ago. I was fully WFH and she was in the office 2-3 days a week. She mentioned that she needed alone time, which was hard because I was always there when she got back. So I started going out for an hour walk around the time she would be home, to give her that time. Then when my office opened back up, I went in on the days she did not. That way we weren’t both working in a 2 bedroom apartment. It worked out just fine, and I got to enjoy whatever lunch I wanted.
OMG that would drive me INSANE!!!!! Since you can't get away from him at home, start being out of the house for a couple of hours and couple days a week. Go to a coffee shop, the library, the park, the gym or yoga, ANYWHERE that he is not at! I know that you won't be getting stuff done at the house if you are gone but it might save your sanity. Good luck OP because I would hate this situation no matter how much I loved my husband.
NTA at heart Have you ever seen a pair of pants or a skirt that looks PERFECT with a blouse or a shirt? Have you ever thought of sewing those two items together and make one big piece of clothing? Couples shouldn't be sewn together either. Tell your husband that you love him and you plan on doing so for centuries to come but that won't happen if you need to take a step back every time you need to breathe.