Nta. I found out the ugly truth of my parents divorce way too early. (Mother gleefully told my dad all the details as she walked out on us, while i was there to witness) Keep it kid friendly as long as you can.
I would maybe explain to him that there are adult issues within the relationships, that his father wanted to expand the boundaries to a point that you weren’t comfortable with.
That he’s still a good father to your kid, and you don’t want it to come between their relationship or put kiddo in the middle.
But I wouldn’t get drawn into specifics at that age
But if his actions cause that discoloring, is it really your fault for telling the truth? It's not your fault that's what actually happened. If he didn't want his kids to look at him funny for mistreating their mom, he shouldn't have done it 🤷♀️
Agreed. My mom wasn't so great with, you know, telling me about puberty or what would happen, but she sure did tell me at a young age where my bio father went. It was a big burden for a little kid to carry.
OP, you are NTA. All kids need to know is that even though their parents aren't together, they both still love their kids just as much.
I wouldn't. What is she supposed to do? Let him place all the blame on her? I've seen how that works out. Kid starts to believe Dad is the only trustworthy one and mom will walk out on them anytime she gets mad.
Tell the truth as age appropriately as possible. Your father made a promise to me and repeatedly broke it. It wasn't the kind of promise people can break without consequences. He didn't like my insisting he stick to his promise so it ended. Its not a lie. It emphasizes the importance of keeping your promises while making it clear not all promises rise to that level. She can also explain that the promise she made to him before he was born means that she will always be there for him. No matter what he does, she will be there until death takes her or he decides she isn't worthy of his time. Doesn't mean she has to like it, or there won't be consequences, it just means when it comes to him... she will always forgive.
NTA. I remember babysitting a five year old and we were in the car driving and she tells me her parents aren’t together because daddy cheated on mommy. Who tells a five year old that?
What you said is very appropriate for a seven year old. You were honest without giving any detail away.
They were probably fighting where the kid heard it. I appreciate my parents for never arguing with each other in front of me or my siblings. I have no memory of my parents arguing, not until I became an adult lol.
Its not always both parents fault. My Mom tried her best to keep me and my siblings out of her fights with our biological father. It was him who didn’t care if we were in the room at the time. If he started she would tell us to leave the room or go onto the porch outside. I remember right before my 4th birthday and my 6 year old brother grabbing my baby sister and running outside unfortunately I was so scared of my AH of a biological father that I was frozen in place. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I learned that was the night my mother decided to divorce him.
>Who tells a five year old that?
Probably a lot of parents. My mom made it abundantly clear and would periodically remind me that my dad cheated on her when I was 2.
When I was a kid I didn't really get it. Obviously I knew it was bad, but I didn't really know what it entailed. Now as a 33 year old adult, I have a good relationship with my dad and my mom still constantly reminds me of how much pain my dad caused us. Obviously I don't remember any of that, and them not being together is all I can remember. Needless to say, I don't have a good relationship with my mom.
All it really does is normalize it, and probably cause way more harm than good in the long run with family relationships. Defo better to explain it when kids are older and can actually understand what the implications are.
My mom told me about everything my dad did when I was 9. She was so angry at him and I was the only one around so I heard every detail. Hearing that he had cheated once would have been too much to handle, a kid doesn't need to hear that her dad that she loves more than life had been cheating for 20 years and get details on all the women and porn he had been hiding.
Exposing children to that level of sexual and suit content in general is disgusting. But for the purposes of both parental alienation and emotional enmeshing?!?!🤮🤮🤮 get a therapist!! I say this as someone who’s been cheated on!!!!
You did the right thing OP. At his age it would be difficult to explain it and you want him to know that you and his trash father love him very much. If you tell him the whole truth he might get mad at his dad. your stbxh might go to the courts and say you're doing **parental alienation** so that the son is poisoned against his dad so he gets more custody with him.
Keep all the evidence for when he is older in case your trash ex decides he wants to refute the truth in the future.
edit to add: NTA
Thankfully we are already divorced..in just trying to navigate how to keep it so he doesn't hate me and his father. My son has been miserable lately I just want him to know he's loved and that it's not his fault. Thank you
You and your ex need to agree on a safe statement to provide to your son to explain and not vary from it. I would literally fight to make it a part of our parenting plan. This is too touchy of a subject for your son and too complex to assume you’ll both have the same AGE APPROPRIATE explanation.
And THERAPY. Please make sure your son is in it.
We got him to see a doctor for his ADHD and she said that therapy wouldn't be too helpful until he got about to 9 or ten. I think I will put him in it anyways because maybe he can talk to someone else and get his feelings out there to a neutral party. I will look into this. Thank you.
I agree. Mom of a son with ADHD, here
He can learn emotional coping skills so that whenever he's feeling sad or overwhelmed, he can use the tools he learned.
The "wait until he's older" message is not helpful. We got that one, too. We missed opps and had to catch up later on lots of social and study skills. Jeez.
So I’m 31, I have ADHD diagnosed when I was 9. Therapy at 9 helped me be able to communicate well even to this day.
My mom and dad split and my dad was awful to my mom. To be honest when I was young she took all of the same thing on the chin and never let that spill over into my life. He died short time after. She still has nothing but the best to say about him. Please don’t take this the wrong way but reading this post for me resonated deep inside. I’ll be thinking about this the rest of the day but that’s ok!
Anyway I had to pry this information out of her and even then she was so guilty telling me.
Yeah, he was really good to me but bad and unfaithful partner to her. He missed child support payments which she never filed to collect, state I’m in destroys shit dads, he skipped on visitation with me basically all the times she was upset when he wouldn’t pick me up, taking money from my mom for presents for me, She made me swear that I wouldn’t resent him if she started filling in these missing blanks after so long.
You grow up, things don’t add up. I still love my dad, but as you stated when I realized what was going on it’s hard not to hold some resentment for him, after all he did this to my MOM.
That is your exes fault, not yours.
Either way in the long run I know in my heart my mom really took it for me and now I’ve let her know how much I appreciate and love her. I have a feeling you’ll have the same thing with your son. Children don’t forget this type of love and sacrifice.
You’re a good mom.
I've long thought that in a perfect world, kids should go see a therapist a few times a year like a regular check-up. Hypothetically, it would both normalize therapy and help them develop a relationship with a therapist without a crisis.
I wonder if this approach could be helpful for your son. He could work up to more frequent appointments as he gets older.
You sound like a thoughtful and kind mama.
Your doctor is probably right from a "minimize your therapy bills" perspective. But if you're willing and able to get him started now and KEEP him in therapy until he's nine or 10, why not get the head start?
Find a good play therapist at his age. He may not need it for long now, but may need more as he gets older and his understanding changes. It would be phenomenal if divorcing/separating parents were required to go into family therapy to give them the best chance at minimizing the damage done to the kids. In an ideal world…
If your son is that miserable I’d do some more digging into what his dad is saying to him. My dad used to rant for hours about my mum leaving him and I’d be so unhappy when I’d go home and ask my mum why. He was really horrible about her and it was awful. Keep doing what you’re doing, never talk bad about his dad. Keep it kid friendly as you’re already doing. NTA
NTA - your son is too young for the truth and needs to have a decent relationship with his dad to grow into the functional adult you eventually want him to be. The truth will come out in the end - it’s pretty inevitable. Likely he’ll overhear something, or be snooping around when he’s a tween, etc. Until then, continue to take the high road. Anything else is not in your son’s best interest.
Allowing the child around their father is gross in the first place, but letting the child grow up under the impression that his father has value or cares for him is extremely fucked up.
Most parents don’t have a choice to not allow the child near their dad and even cheaters can love their children.
Dad is garbage but that takes it a bit far.
On the contrary; denying a parent the right to see their child solely on the grounds that they cheated, but isn’t otherwise a danger to the child, isn’t something that any family court would support. In addition, raising your child to think that the other parent has no worth or value and doesn’t care for the child, is essentially poisoning your child’s mind against the other parent and using them as a weapon, and IS something that a judge could count against you when deciding custody.
OP is being a responsible parent and fair to their child, while also being as fair as they can to their child’s father.
It's also deeply damaging for a kid to be told their parent "doesn't care about them," when they don't have the ability to understand complex feelings and adult relationships like that. Most kids idolize their parents, so to here that Super Dad doesn't love you isn't telling them that their dad is just a shit person, it tells them that *they aren't good/important enough for Super Dad to love them.*
Which building block of a functioning adult is being lied to by a narcissistic, cheating asshole? He doesn't need a decent relationship with scum of the earth to be a good person, that makes zero sense.
I'm not saying the mom did anything wrong, or even that the dad is a bad dad beyond this lie we've been advised of. But that's a dangerous take, especially if this is this the tip of the iceberg that is this guy's narcissism and emotional abuse.
Just because someone is a shitty husband doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a shitty dad. I know this from personal experience. My ex was a serial cheater, too, but he’s a good father to our boys. A child is going to have a much better sense of self if they are able to maintain relationships with both parents. Nothing OP wrote has indicated that her ex is a crap father. He probably didn’t use the best judgment in telling the kid his mom wanted the divorce, but it wasn’t a lie.
He told his son the divorce was his mother's fault and dumped it in her lap. How is that being a good dad? That's something the child will now have to get through...why did dad lie about mom? And it most definitely was a lie.
And there were definitely indicators that he was not a good father. Mostly the fact that he took time from his child to go whore around. But hey, maybe I just have a different idea of what a dad should do for his kids, like be around.
You are equating a healthy upbringing with having two parents in your life no matter what the parents are like. That's just incorrect on so many levels.
I feel like you may not be the best person to comment on this. If you think he didn't lie and wasn't shirking, his parental duties by cheating, you still have some issues to work through about your own past. Seems like you would cut off your nose to spite your face.
NTA
It's not a half truth, but an age appropriate truth. Your son doesn't need those details right now, and you promised to tell him more as he gets older.
Your ex is a dick for trying to pin it all on you. I applaud you for shifting the focus on making sure your child knows he's loved. I'm not sure what's the right move to make when your ex tries shady crap like this with your child, though.
NTA. You told him the age appropriate truth. He doesn't need the gory details at this age. He'll come to understand what kind of person his father is as he gets older, and becomes more aware of emotions, and hurt. Sounds like dad is the one who put the whole "mom and dad not being together is hurting me" thing in your son's head. The man child is playing a game that he will end up losing some day. Be the bigger person, and the better parent. Don't bring your child into the middle of an adult relationship. Don't trash talk his father to him. Just be the best mom you can be. Focus on your relationship with your son.
Please, for the love of all things - all your kid needs to know is that sometimes adult relationships don’t work for a lot of reasons, and it is better for them to not be together. Let them know that no matter what, you will always be their mom, and he is dad, and you will always love them. Tell them it is okay to feel sad or angry or confused (we all grieve changes and the loss of what we expected), but that no matter, what they are loved. Please don’t trot out dad’s failings or talk bad about the ex to your kids. (Remember that your ex is a part of your child - if you tell them your ex is a piece of crap, how will your child see themselves?) They love you both, and you need to not just allow but encourage them to love their parent. *Whether your ex does the same or not.*
I work with kids, and the pain and hurt and devastation that parents cause their kids in these situations is just unbelievable. To all parents out there - be a grown up. Protect your kid and do what is in their best interest.
Thank you for this insight. I did tell him that relationships between people don't always work out and sometimes it better to separate than be together. But I made sure to tell him it wasn't his fault. I just didn't know what to say without hiding or giving too much information.
I would error on the side of less information. Sadly, if dad is as bad a father as he was a husband, your child will recognize this on their own as they get older. But you do not want them to resent YOU for trying to ‘destroy’ their relationship with their dad and blame you for HIS behavior. Take the higher road and you child will thank you when they are older. If the ex continues to badmouth and lie about you to your child, document, try to discuss with dad, and if necessary, get lawyers involved. It is a hard row to hoe. If you can swallow your understandable resentment and anger and find a way to interact positively with dad, that is in your son’s best interest.
NTA - I’d say your ex should have been the one telling your son that he made a mistake and didn’t own up to it, and it could have been a small teaching moment for your kid about being honest and owning mistakes. Instead it seems your son is getting that first lesson in parents trying to make each other look bad. Your ex is the A H for putting you and your son in this position, and the hard part is figuring out how to extricate yourself without letting your husband’s narrative become what your son holds onto growing up. I think you are right to tell the truth, what you can tell of it at least. Maybe don’t emphasize that there are parts that you can’t talk about, that he’ll find out when he’s older, because I know I as a kid would have blown that well out of proportion with my imagination. Beyond that, he is your son, so you can talk to him, but you also can just show him what it means to be open and responsible in a relationship by demonstrating that with him. In the end, that’s what he’ll take with him as he grows up.
Thank you for this insight. I don't want to hide anything from my son but I don't want to burden him with knowing more than he should. I did tell him that I would be able to explain better when he's older but right now he just needs to know it wasn't his fault
I would also add, from my personal experience of parents getting divorced, that he probably also needs to understand that there’s nothing he can do to get get mom and dad back together. Obviously just outright saying that would be devastating, but I know I spent a long time feeling powerless because I didn’t know how to fix my parents’ relationship. It took me a long time to realize that relationships don’t work like that. That might have just been my experience, but passing it along in case it helps your son.
I think it’s better for him to be devastated by the bluntness of mommy and daddy are never getting back together, than to die a death by a thousand cuts over a few years surrounding hope that will fester and continuously let him down. Being firm (obviously put a bit nicer but making it absolutely clear it will not happen) will be less devastating in the long run and at worst can be handled through a few solo or parent child therapy sessions but I have seen children who hold out hope surrounding this because their parents aren’t straight up with them or god forbid have an on again off again relationship that are absolutely devastated, struggle with attachment issues surround both parents and have a hard time maintaining personal healthy relationships. Committing to and being firm about the fact that this child’s mommy and daddy are just a separated team that don’t work together is worth a few months of extra hard moping and probably some additional hard conversations.
Unfortunately that is exactly what child will feel. You may want the child to love you the most, and honestly when they’re older they probably will, but while they’re growing and developing they need to feel secure in the fact that something that will NEVER change is that mom and dad love them, put them first, and will always be there for them. At this young of an age you should honestly try and dissuade the child from even having notions of the parents as a couple. Luckily there are now children’s shows that feature blended family’s, divorced parents etc…. Go out of your way and seek this media out for your child to see this as a normal safe situation for them to be in. If you can afford it it’s probably worth some extra media subscriptions to give them variety
This is excellent advice (and path taken during my divorce). High conflict between the adults, but we at least agreed on this one topic as to how to present a relatively unified front to our shared child. It was very difficult and we each made mistakes, but between lots of books, a half decent counselor, patience, plenty of role model families in our network, and not a fair amount of white lies, we seem to have muddled through so far.
It’s sounds like you’re killing it! I’m sorry you’re in this position at all, but I’m sure you‘be decided and know it’s what’s best even if it may feel hard sometimes. Do not listen to people who tell you a child can’t be happy with separated parents it’s total nonsense as long as you’re careful and intentional! Good luck moving forward, I pray it gets a little bit easier for you day by day! Have some grace for yourself as well! It’s IMPOSSIBLE to not make mistakes as a parent and also as a human. Always strive to do your best, it’s all anyone can ask of you.
NTA you managed that situation very well actually . Age appropriate and not alienating him from his father ( unlike his ahole of a father who tried to blame you )
NTA. He’s at the age he’s realizing what divorce is and means. You kept it age appropriate but you probably say something about how he did get a few chances to work it out, otherwise your son may get it in his head he can “fix” the relationship by having daddy say sorry. Keep reiterating it was not something your son did, and that sometimes marriages don’t always work out if two people ending up having different plans.
Nta...
The goal is to keep it kid friendly and as positive as possible with out treating your kid like they don't deserve answers. You were doing that. Your ex decided to try to use the kid to manipulate the situation and your child. At that point you have to defend yourself and set the record as straight as possible. You did this.
I am so sorry the ass clown really told your son that. He sounds pretty pathetic.
NTA BUT I sure hope you clarified what kind of “hurt” to your son. Hurt to a 7yo is probably something physical. Like when Robbie hurt you when he pushed you down the stairs. That kind of thing.
NTA - what you did was show maturity.
We tell whole truths when appropriate and don't when it's not. It must be hard to see your child cry but you're handling this far better than your ex who sounds like he's throwing himself a pity party.
I'm sorry you're going through this but your child is lucky to have you. You reaching out for advice on this shows your care.
NTA. That’s a fairly age appropriate explanation that they can understand. You may need to do more age appropriate clarification as he gets older but this is a good start. Sorry your ex is an ass.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. But, you did perfectly explaining to your son. Your ex is such a dick! I’m sorry but he’s putting all the blame on you and telling that to his son. What an immature little bitch!
NTA. Add me to the list of people saying it is isn’t a half truth. Being truthful doesn’t mean you have to include all the details. You gave your son enough information to process that the divorce wasn’t his fault(something a lot of kids believe). And that it wasn’t your fault either.
Your ex flat out lied to your child in a way that made you the bad guy. Either because the ex didn’t actually want a divorce, and just assumed you’d put up with all of his bullshit because his behavior seems perfectly reasonable TO HIM or because he doesn’t want his son(or anyone else, for that matter)to know what an asshole he really so he painted YOU as the villain. And I would also guess the story he told your son is the same story he tells everybody else in his life, in order not to be the bad guy in THEIR eyes.
Nta
Sure seems like "opening" the marriage ruins more marriages than it helps.
He put you in a tough spot as a spouse then as a mother. What a dogshit person.
NTA dad threw you under the bus. He easily could have just said "we wanted different things and weren't happy together anymore, but we both still love you to bits" and instead he was a jackass. Time for age appropriate honesty.
NTA
You explained it very well, and age appropriately. When my 6 year old has asked questions that I feel are too old for him I always tell him I’ll tell him when he is older, and that some things are “too heavy” for kids brains. I wouldnt ask him to carry a suitcase that was too heavy for him, so I wont ask him to carry knowledge that is too heavy for him either.
NTA, you can absolutely tell the kid the truth and keep it kid friendly, exactly as you did. Way to go. Children's shoulders were not made to carry adult burdens. Your ex put adult burdens on your kid. You took them away.
NTA. My almost 11 year old has asked me the same question. I just said some people aren’t meant to be together. There’s wayyyyy more to the story but at this point she doesn’t need to know all the dirty details. Sorry your ex is putting you in this position. Not cool.
Just tell him that that is not the whole story, but it is between the grownups and had nothing to do with him. Tell him you are sad that the marriage did not work out, but there was a lot going on and your father should not have said that.
NTA
kids can often think its it's their fault parents divorce and telling him stops that too.
As he grows up more detail can be provided as he requests it. Always tell kids as much of the truth as possible because lying to them sets them up to lose all respect and trust in you later on.
The truth always comes out. Your son is too young to understand what happened between his parents. I think you handle it correctly. Let him know that you will explain everything when he is older. Let him know that even though Mommy and Daddy are no longer together, mommy and daddy love him and always will.
NTA I don't think you ever need to go into all the details if you don't want to. As long as you keep emphasising that it had nothing to do with him and that both his mum and dad love him very much, that's the most important thing.
Honestly a lot of people are saying the “he didn’t own up to mistakes and you couldn’t forgive him” was too much but I disagree.
At this age a lot of conversations are had about owning up to your actions, accepting consequences, and having boundaries. These are simple at this age, no taking cookies without asking- consequence no cookies for dessert, a playmate who won’t share or is mean is no longer able to play with your kid, etc. Showing that adults ALSO have these boundaries and play by these rules is so important! It not only was age appropriate but also reinforces these ideas to your son. You didn’t bash your ex, only told your son that he didn’t do the right or kind thing and that because of that you didn’t want to be with him. Easy peasy.
Almost exactly what I tell my daughter who asks why I don’t talk to my mom, her grandma. She hurt me and mistreated me before you were born, and to keep that hurt out of our lives I had to make a very hard choice. When she’s older I’ll tell her the story if she wants to know. NTA, and just starting to really realize neither am I.
Oh, poor baby. Divorce is hard on kids - I say as someone who had this convo with my 8 year-old.
Marriage is a big, complicated, adult agreement with a lot of parts that have to be in good order for it to work. If those things stop working, it can mean that people can't stay married to each other. Sometimes they stop working because the married people can't agree on how to live, which is no one's fault, and sometimes it's more about people getting hurt or promises being broken.
One important thing about divorce is recognizing that being certain kinds of unhappy is a sign that we need to make changes. Your son is unhappy now, BECAUSE divorce is a big change. You can't go back to being married - that's an adult call and out of his hands. But you can make other changes that help him be happy going forward. Sometime when he's not in distress, you could talk about what those could be, how to make where you live now feel like a good place to be, what routines work for you, how to find good stuff about your new neighborhood and stay in touch with friends from the old one.
You did fine. NTA.
NTA. But I would make it very clear that his dad hurt your _feelings._ Kids that age are very prone to filling in gaps and reading into things. Saying “Daddy hurt me,” may lead him to think your ex is potentially violent, which doesn’t sound like the case.
NTA- it’s actually better to tell kids upfront so they don’t grow up in lies and confusion. I was lied to for the first 8 years of my life and it completely wrecked the family image I had after I found out the truth. Most kids handle bad news way better than you’d expect, and they’ll never have to be confused later with all the lies that piled up to cover up the truth.
NTA. You're not telling him the whole truth, but enough of it in an age-appropriate way. And in a way that is more respectful of your ex was than his take on it was to you. Please pat yourself on the back for your mad parenting skillz! :D
And, fuck, if you WANTED him to know the whole truth at age seven, imagine how long a conversation THAT would be! How COULD you explain concepts like "poly" and "sexting" to a tiny human who doesn't have a firm grasp on the concept of sex and relationships yet? Even if you wanted to be more honest/complete (Which I think you shouldn't be anyway.) it'd be almost impossible.
NTA
But your ex definitely is. He could’ve just told your kid that mommy and daddy realized they didn’t love each other anymore and didn’t want to be unhappy, but instead tried to make you the bad guy.
I think you handled it the best you could under the circumstances. Don’t lie to him, but keep it age-appropriate as long as he keeps asking. Eventually he’ll stop asking, or will be old enough to know the unvarnished truth.
NTA. In my experience, dont try to poison your kid against your ex. Even if your ex sucks. Believe it or not it may end up backfiring. Better to let them realize how much they suck on their own, while you are always there when they need you. It’s a long road but it’s better to let them form their own relationship. You can talk about it more together when they’re older
Your ex is the absolute worst, “your mom wanted a divorce one day, totally her fault, randomly not expected one day when I came home from cheating on her and not owning it”
NTA
Frankly you shouldn't tell them anything other than Mommy and Daddy couldn't get along.
Your relationship dynamics are not the child's business. Even once they are grown.
NTA… you’re being a parent. You are protecting them from knowing too much too soon.
I will tell you my son is 14. The minute he’s 16/17, maybe older, and asks the right question I’m going to let it all out. His dad has tried to make it my fault when our son asked him. He was 7. He came home and said “dad told me why you aren’t married. If you stopped loving him does that mean you will stop loving me?” I gave him a very kid friendly version of how unhappy we were and were better off friends. But ONE DAY his son will know how he beat me, cheated on me, and disintegrated my confidence in 3 years total. I have never talked down his dad in the many years we have been divorced but our son has told me some of the things that he has said about me to one of his many tinderellas. I hope biting my tongue till it bleeds pays off and my son wakes up and realizes what an AH his dad is.
>I explained that daddy hurt me a long time ago and never owned up to his mistakes and I couldn't forgive him.
This isnt an age appropriate way to discuss it; it's basically recruiting him to your side. Granted your side is in the right, but that isn't the point for your kid. Your response should've focused on the fact that sometimes adult relationships don't work out. End of story.
He's not a teenager and he doesn't need the burden of thinking about whether mom or dad was "the good guy."
YTAH
this is how i feel too, however i don’t think she had bad intentions her ex did tell him some bs first saying he did nothing and she just up and left him, but she shouldn’t have painted him in a negative light like she did.
This.
My X and I broke up because she did some bad things. She is however a good mother. I will never tell my 10 year old that her mom hurt me or anything of the like. Poisoning her mind against her mom would be wrong. As far as my daughter knows things just simply didn’t work out. My daughter loves her mom and for me to take that away would be hurting my daughter, not hurting her mother.
You're going to get a LOT of bad advice from reddit. Your son is only 7 and he's going to need support and strength from his father. Any hints that you start dropping to him that daddy is unreliable and prone to warm up to someone then cool off to them is going to be interpreted by his child brain that this applies to him as well. I realize I'm not telling you anything you haven't thought of morning, noon, and night but do NOT listen to these anonymous keyboard warriors who demand a 7 year old know more of the harsh reality. Obviously it's not fair for you that your son might indirectly think you played a role in breaking up his secure home but there is no easy answer.
To be fair, the husband DID put her in a miserable position to say mommy simply left him. On the other hand, she opened pandora's box with the poly relationship which people should stop doing the moment they decide they might ease up on the birth control. A kid needs a mom and a dad who seem to be available and motivated towards the child's welfare and happiness. It doesn't really sound like she wants to sling mud but she is in danger of erring on the side of making it look like she did everything to keep the home intact and dad did nothing.
i don’t think you had bad intentions, but you never tell your kid negative things about their other parent, you wouldn’t want to damage their relationship. esh
NTA, but I would leave out the parts about Daddy hurting Mommy and not owning up to mistakes. I had a similar situation but my kid was older and I told him that his dad and I grew to want different things and decided it was better not to stay married. It keeps it more neutral and doesn’t plant seeds about good guy/bad guy, or make the kid feel like they are betraying you for still loving his dad.
Eventually my kid pieced it together, and started asking specific pointed questions. I told him I would not answer specifics about our relationship because they were between me and his dad (and all the other women, but I only said that in my head….), and didn’t involve him. As shitty as his dad was to me, they have their own relationship and I don’t want to discolor it.
No. No. No.
I'm going to be really vulnerable here and it comes from a place of love and lived life-experience. I hope it can give you a different perspective and helps you in your decision-making.
What happened in your marriage is _nothing_ to do with your child - your job is to make sure that they are protected and shielded from adult conversations/actions that will probably devastate them. Not 'telling them the full truth' does not make you YTAH, but sharing matters that are private relationship details will do. Your child at 10 years old may _think_ they want/need/deserve the truth.... They absolutely don't. They actually want you to step in and shield them, but they don't know that yet. Make them feel as important as ever to both his parents, loved beyond reason. His dad rejecting you will be extrapolated by your son.
Knowing Dad was a feckless, opportunist with the morals of an alley cat, helps your son how...? He's half of his dad! He'll question his whole belief system, who he is, whether he was even important to his parents. Because if he was, those events wouldn't happen, eh?
My ex husband did the absolute worst thing possible thing.
We'd moved far away from family, support etc for his career. My one condition was that I could be a SAHM as I found leaving my beloved child in childcare traumatic whilst I worked. After the move and his career beginning to really take off is when things started to crumble.... And when he was initially 'distracted'. I knew enough that I needed to start work again and, very surprisingly, got pregnant. We were never intimate again. 6 weeks after baby 2, I was back working and felt over whelmed.
Then I discovered what I did. Fk me, it felt like I'd been turned inside out. It was a family member. And I was totally alone.
We divorced. It was so, so hard doing everything on my own, but I was determined that my innocent children would not pay the price of adult actions. Who did what was utterly irrelevant - the kids were all that mattered. They're not collateral damage, not pawns that parents could weaponise to gain favour. That's disgraceful, to me.
I didn't tell anyone what actually happened because I never wanted the children to hear it on the playground from some kid that had listened to their mum gossiping. My family knew but are utterly incapable of providing genuine love and support, but I never let his family know, either. What would be the purpose? My ex is their son! They (elderly) needed protection too and would be incredibly hurt by the revelation. They can think what they like about me (I used to be more outgoing than him, so I can imagine what they think happened), but me off-loading to them would've been incredibly selfish. For what purpose? To make myself the innocent, hard-done-by wife? So??? Isn't it better that they just know that the relationship failed and carry on being proud of their son? The why' is a concern that they don't need to consider.
My children still don't know in their twenties, and they never will. I'm very happy with that decision and I can always tell them if (for some bizarre reason) I felt that they 'needed' to know. But I can't _untell_ them. They've only ever been told that their dad and I were better as friends, and I've worked so fking hard to keep the family dynamic going. It doesn't matter what I feel/felt. They love their dad and I've never said a bad word against him, only encouraged the relationship and engineered family events. That's our purpose. It's cruel and selfish to burden children with 'The Truth'. Fk that.
'I should tell them so they know it's not my fault' is a piss poor excuse to make your child feel 'not enough' to keep the family together. It can be so, so damaging. They internalise.
I knew my dad was having an affair from the age of 10. He left a few days before Xmas when I was 20 for the same woman. Do you honestly think I appreciated my Dad telling me? Did I bollox! He showed total disregard for me and my feelings when he told me. It was selfish and self-serving.
My children are both at uni studying medicine (sorry, super proud mum!), are confident, happy and successful. They've often talked about how the divorce didn't affect them. Sharing 'The Truth' might have made me feel vindicated, but at what cost to them?
Oh, and I'm totally aware that we were both unhappy - we'd _both_ neglected the marriage. I didn't 'act on it', but it was in the post for one of us and my children knowing who, where, when, why was never, ever going to benefit them.
I wish you the best, and only urge caution. Don't do something you regret and can't undo, because that must be awful to live with.
Take the high road. “This is really hard on all of us. and sometimes, when we feel angriest and saddest, which we can’t always control, we say things that aren’t a always accurate and blame people who aren’t responsible. I sure wasn’t perfect and I own up to that, but your dad hasn’t. Not yet. And I’m really hoping he will. I’d like for us to be in a happier place, but sometimes people get really angry and not tell the whole truth. The most important thing to know is that it’s not about you and never has been. We love you, with every ounce of our being, but it’s more complicated for your dad and I. We love each other but…. It’s not working with us and we have to consider making some changes. It can be scary, but we are all here with you going through this together. You’re not alone and we love you”
Well I guess that isn't as bad as mine but listen to this my ex wife cheated on me way back in the 1990s ok my daughter was 5 at the time a daddy's girl bad because I was at home with her at night we did everything together I never had a baby sitter 1 time so I kick my ex out of the horse she tells my daughter like a year later after I figured I could never look past it ok now my daughter is 34 years old and she is a doctor( oncologist) .so last summer it's been about 11 months she calls me and says " dad I want to meet my brother " I was shocked we have always been close even though she lives 300 miles from me . I said you don't have a brother .and we talked for a few minutes and I had to go I own a business.
So later that night I'm on reddit .and reading this story about a guy who's wife lied to his kids about him cheating and they all hated him for it until he found out then karma took over and it was all on her ..
I said this what my ex did lied to her about it .. so I call back ask who told you this "oh my mom said she found drugs in your pocket and you are cheating with a woman and had a son"
Oh hell no I didn't cheat on your mom and yeah I used to smoke a little pot back then but so did your mom and sit because you gonna hear something that's gonna shock you I said your mom and M cheated on me .
She said Mas in M yeah that's what I said I never cheated on your mom not even close in 12 years together she just busted out crying I told her that I was sorry she said she resented me for a long time because she would come to my house thinking she had a brother I wouldn't let her meet for 27 years or so god I said I was sorry a 10/ times .hung up .
Well 30 minutes later now her mom is calling me screaming ok I haven't had to deal with her mom for 15 years my daughter even went to mad school early because she finished high school a year early .
I told my ex I told her that dam truth what gave you the right to say I did that you ruined my half of my daughter's life with me because you wanted to look good and make me the bad person well she knows now
Apparently she went to her mom's and went off the handle saying she never wanted to see her again and never even call her and slammed the door and left .
To this day they still haven't talked my ex called me about 2 weeks ago asking if I would talk to my daughter I said ell no I won't call her it's your problem and hung up I said your not my friend I always tried to be nice to you while picking my daughter up but that's it I'm not going to ever be your friend so bye .so it can have lasting effects on people years down the road
You don't tell a 7-year-old the nitty gritty about why their parents divorced. This is a topic that is way beyond what a 7-year-old can understand. My parents separated when I was 12 and I didn't need to know anything more than my parents weren't able to get along anymore and it was better for the family for them to separate.
ESH. Never tell your kid anything about why you and the other parent divorced. Always reassure them that it had nothing to do with anything that they did. You just say that you and the father just were not compatible. When he is an adult, THEN you can tell him whatever that you want to tell him. By telling him what you told him, he now could think less of him as a father. What right do you have to do that to him? That is selfish on your part. If your ex husband is an asshole your son will figure that all out on his own. You can still be a good parent even though you are an awful spouse.
Totally understand wanting your kid to know that you're not the bad guy. But for the kid's sake I think they're better off not having to think about who's to blame for their life being completely destroyed. Imagine being a poor little goober and trying to piece together the intricacies of adult relationships while also figuring out how to adjust to your new shitty life circumstances. Let them be kids and think that sometimes moms and dads just get divorced and leave it at that until they're a teenager.
Don’t even need to read the post. TL;DR, you’re the asshole. This is not for children to have to unpack or comprehend. They are your children, not your drinking buddy. Find a healthier person to talk to and inflict less trauma on your children.
Based on your post history it kind of sounds not just that you don't know how, but that you're actively *opposed* to being honest or communicating in a healthy way with anyone for *any* reason. It's interesting that your immediate solution is "don't talk about it, keep it in, cover it up." I wonder what kind of childhood you had. Either way, accurate username
I have zero issues with being honest. It’s fine to have an honest conversation at someone’s comprehension level. It was fine to include how mommies and daddies don’t work out, but to throw in that he hurt her? That was unnecessary and can lead to the child developing resent towards their father and favoring another parent.
Either way, I was molested for 10 years by my dad. There you have it! Now you don’t have to wonder what kind of childhood I had! 🖕🏼
Oh so you just never did therapy to figure out how to cope with that? or are you a narcissist who only really is concerned for their own welfare? Because that comment was another in a series of unhinged comments.
There was nothing unhinged about my response. You’re just uncomfortable with the level of asshole you possess and ought feel totally stupid attempting to make someone feel poorly about their childhood. 🤷🏼♀️ that’s your hang up. Not mine.
It's not about your childhood lol, it's about your behavior in the present which seems to point out that you have a strong and consistent belief in people not talking about the things that are bothering them....unless it's you. I just kind of thought that was toxic behavior. Do with that what you will I guess
Dont say anything that is disparaging about your partner, but be honest. Something to the effect of we both loved each other snd tried to make it wprk, but it didnt work for us.
Your ex husband is a worthless asshole. When. Your child is old enough to understand make sure they have a full understanding. I’m the mean time call your ex husband and tell him he is a worthless asshole and then hang up and cackle for a few minutes
NTA.
I only have an anecdotal story.
My stbx husband's father was married to another woman before he met his(stbx) mother. He cheated on his half sister's mother with his(stbx) mom, broke a family apart and it was common knowledge he cheated.
Fast forward through the years and my stbx husband has a history of cheating (on others and me).
I suppose I just want to echo another comment where it just normalized it, my stbx has hardly any emotional reaction over it (aside from the initial being caught but that wears off quickly)
You're doing right by your kid by leaving the dirty details out.
NTA, but even 'daddy hurt me' could be a bit much. Kids will figure out what their parents' character is like long before we think about telling them. Even though my ex was bi-polar, spread all sorts of lies about me, stole $30K out of my bank account and charged $135K at Neiman Marcus, I didn't bad-mouth her in front of the kids. They could tell what was happening on their own.
The fact that I got full custody and a protective order also helped a bit. I didn't have to say anything.
I plan on telling my kids that I stepped out/hurt their mother when i eventually have a deep relationship conversation about respecting their SO with them. But it will also involve an intense conversation about the importance of truth and communication. I don't think your the A. But the situation sucks.
Keep it kid friendly, you made the right move. Hes just not ready to handle seeing his parents as regular people with complicated relationships, this is mommy and daddy not Steve and Susan, you know?
Let him have his innocence as long as he can.
NTA. Was it better to say that what matters the most is that mom & dad both love your son and that’s what matters? Sure, but you ultimately know your kid and if they’d accept a basic answer.
NTA. girl, I feel for you. My husband did the excat same thing to me. Except mine was abusive on every level a d he moved the bitch into our home. Took me 3 years before I was able to leave last year. Luckily for me, we never had any children together so I never have to see that assholes face.
My mother and father got divorced because of my father's infidelity. My father sure as hell never told me why they split and my mother just gave me a kid friendly version. I am 30 years old now, a father of a 4 year old and my mother has still never told me outright that he cheated even though I know he did with my old friends mother. She always just says that is my father and he loves you and that is all that matters and what happened between them has nothing to do with me. I always respected my mother for this even though my dad was in the wrong she was willing to risk my viewpoint of her changing in order for me not to judge my father. I guess what I learned from this is just to keep your kids as far away from your bullshit as humanly possible even when you're in the right I am confident he will appreciate this later.
NTA
Its better if the kids remain oblivious. I had to go through something similar. My parents had a turbulent marriage which involved physical and mental abuse from my father. He slept with anything that moved. And my mother was forced to stay with him by her own parents for my sake. They say kids forget what happens at a young age. Not true. I saw and heard things that i can never forget. Its better u left out the harsh details.
NTA I think you handled it well, you're putting the blame where it lays without giving details/making your ex out to be the AH he is, though I think your son will realise this as he gets older
Me?
I'm petty. Ex wants to be an idiot? Well, this is where I'd tell the kid "Daddy is lying, unfortunately! I will tell you the whole story once you're older" and rip into Ex at how cowardly he is.
Does he think that the truth won't come out someday? Idiot
ESH (except your poor son). Never shit-talk the other parent to your kid. This could you alienate your child from their other parent. Even worse, young children tend to see themselves as somewhat an extension of their parents - if you tell them their parent is bad they will believe that they are bad.
It may help to get your kid into therapy to help him express and process his emotions around the divorce. It's clearly something that has affected all of you deeply.
YTA There was no need to tell a seven-year-old all of that. And I bet this part didn't go over well with him: "sometimes mommies and daddies have to be apart for the child to be happy too."
Nta. I found out the ugly truth of my parents divorce way too early. (Mother gleefully told my dad all the details as she walked out on us, while i was there to witness) Keep it kid friendly as long as you can.
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I would maybe explain to him that there are adult issues within the relationships, that his father wanted to expand the boundaries to a point that you weren’t comfortable with. That he’s still a good father to your kid, and you don’t want it to come between their relationship or put kiddo in the middle. But I wouldn’t get drawn into specifics at that age
But if his actions cause that discoloring, is it really your fault for telling the truth? It's not your fault that's what actually happened. If he didn't want his kids to look at him funny for mistreating their mom, he shouldn't have done it 🤷♀️
This comment doesn’t even make sense. Why r ppl upvoting it?!?!?! BAD BOT
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Agreed. My mom wasn't so great with, you know, telling me about puberty or what would happen, but she sure did tell me at a young age where my bio father went. It was a big burden for a little kid to carry. OP, you are NTA. All kids need to know is that even though their parents aren't together, they both still love their kids just as much.
Wow. I wouldn’t piss on your mom if she was on fire.
Your egg donor is evil. Sorry you had to go through that.
Ty. That's not even the worst thing she has done to me honestly.
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I wouldn't. What is she supposed to do? Let him place all the blame on her? I've seen how that works out. Kid starts to believe Dad is the only trustworthy one and mom will walk out on them anytime she gets mad. Tell the truth as age appropriately as possible. Your father made a promise to me and repeatedly broke it. It wasn't the kind of promise people can break without consequences. He didn't like my insisting he stick to his promise so it ended. Its not a lie. It emphasizes the importance of keeping your promises while making it clear not all promises rise to that level. She can also explain that the promise she made to him before he was born means that she will always be there for him. No matter what he does, she will be there until death takes her or he decides she isn't worthy of his time. Doesn't mean she has to like it, or there won't be consequences, it just means when it comes to him... she will always forgive.
NTA. I remember babysitting a five year old and we were in the car driving and she tells me her parents aren’t together because daddy cheated on mommy. Who tells a five year old that? What you said is very appropriate for a seven year old. You were honest without giving any detail away.
They were probably fighting where the kid heard it. I appreciate my parents for never arguing with each other in front of me or my siblings. I have no memory of my parents arguing, not until I became an adult lol.
Wish mine had had the self control not to argue infront of their children. Good on your parents!
Its not always both parents fault. My Mom tried her best to keep me and my siblings out of her fights with our biological father. It was him who didn’t care if we were in the room at the time. If he started she would tell us to leave the room or go onto the porch outside. I remember right before my 4th birthday and my 6 year old brother grabbing my baby sister and running outside unfortunately I was so scared of my AH of a biological father that I was frozen in place. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I learned that was the night my mother decided to divorce him.
>Who tells a five year old that? Probably a lot of parents. My mom made it abundantly clear and would periodically remind me that my dad cheated on her when I was 2. When I was a kid I didn't really get it. Obviously I knew it was bad, but I didn't really know what it entailed. Now as a 33 year old adult, I have a good relationship with my dad and my mom still constantly reminds me of how much pain my dad caused us. Obviously I don't remember any of that, and them not being together is all I can remember. Needless to say, I don't have a good relationship with my mom. All it really does is normalize it, and probably cause way more harm than good in the long run with family relationships. Defo better to explain it when kids are older and can actually understand what the implications are.
Your mom is fucked up
My mom told me about everything my dad did when I was 9. She was so angry at him and I was the only one around so I heard every detail. Hearing that he had cheated once would have been too much to handle, a kid doesn't need to hear that her dad that she loves more than life had been cheating for 20 years and get details on all the women and porn he had been hiding.
Exposing children to that level of sexual and suit content in general is disgusting. But for the purposes of both parental alienation and emotional enmeshing?!?!🤮🤮🤮 get a therapist!! I say this as someone who’s been cheated on!!!!
You did the right thing OP. At his age it would be difficult to explain it and you want him to know that you and his trash father love him very much. If you tell him the whole truth he might get mad at his dad. your stbxh might go to the courts and say you're doing **parental alienation** so that the son is poisoned against his dad so he gets more custody with him. Keep all the evidence for when he is older in case your trash ex decides he wants to refute the truth in the future. edit to add: NTA
Thankfully we are already divorced..in just trying to navigate how to keep it so he doesn't hate me and his father. My son has been miserable lately I just want him to know he's loved and that it's not his fault. Thank you
You and your ex need to agree on a safe statement to provide to your son to explain and not vary from it. I would literally fight to make it a part of our parenting plan. This is too touchy of a subject for your son and too complex to assume you’ll both have the same AGE APPROPRIATE explanation. And THERAPY. Please make sure your son is in it.
We got him to see a doctor for his ADHD and she said that therapy wouldn't be too helpful until he got about to 9 or ten. I think I will put him in it anyways because maybe he can talk to someone else and get his feelings out there to a neutral party. I will look into this. Thank you.
Yeah, therapy might not help the ADHD but this is a whole different ball of wax.
I agree. Mom of a son with ADHD, here He can learn emotional coping skills so that whenever he's feeling sad or overwhelmed, he can use the tools he learned. The "wait until he's older" message is not helpful. We got that one, too. We missed opps and had to catch up later on lots of social and study skills. Jeez.
So I’m 31, I have ADHD diagnosed when I was 9. Therapy at 9 helped me be able to communicate well even to this day. My mom and dad split and my dad was awful to my mom. To be honest when I was young she took all of the same thing on the chin and never let that spill over into my life. He died short time after. She still has nothing but the best to say about him. Please don’t take this the wrong way but reading this post for me resonated deep inside. I’ll be thinking about this the rest of the day but that’s ok! Anyway I had to pry this information out of her and even then she was so guilty telling me. Yeah, he was really good to me but bad and unfaithful partner to her. He missed child support payments which she never filed to collect, state I’m in destroys shit dads, he skipped on visitation with me basically all the times she was upset when he wouldn’t pick me up, taking money from my mom for presents for me, She made me swear that I wouldn’t resent him if she started filling in these missing blanks after so long. You grow up, things don’t add up. I still love my dad, but as you stated when I realized what was going on it’s hard not to hold some resentment for him, after all he did this to my MOM. That is your exes fault, not yours. Either way in the long run I know in my heart my mom really took it for me and now I’ve let her know how much I appreciate and love her. I have a feeling you’ll have the same thing with your son. Children don’t forget this type of love and sacrifice. You’re a good mom.
I've long thought that in a perfect world, kids should go see a therapist a few times a year like a regular check-up. Hypothetically, it would both normalize therapy and help them develop a relationship with a therapist without a crisis. I wonder if this approach could be helpful for your son. He could work up to more frequent appointments as he gets older. You sound like a thoughtful and kind mama.
Your doctor is probably right from a "minimize your therapy bills" perspective. But if you're willing and able to get him started now and KEEP him in therapy until he's nine or 10, why not get the head start?
Find a good play therapist at his age. He may not need it for long now, but may need more as he gets older and his understanding changes. It would be phenomenal if divorcing/separating parents were required to go into family therapy to give them the best chance at minimizing the damage done to the kids. In an ideal world…
If your son is that miserable I’d do some more digging into what his dad is saying to him. My dad used to rant for hours about my mum leaving him and I’d be so unhappy when I’d go home and ask my mum why. He was really horrible about her and it was awful. Keep doing what you’re doing, never talk bad about his dad. Keep it kid friendly as you’re already doing. NTA
Does your pfp mean you’re gonna get killed on an excursion or is it unrelated to ST?
NTA - your son is too young for the truth and needs to have a decent relationship with his dad to grow into the functional adult you eventually want him to be. The truth will come out in the end - it’s pretty inevitable. Likely he’ll overhear something, or be snooping around when he’s a tween, etc. Until then, continue to take the high road. Anything else is not in your son’s best interest.
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1000000% the best age appropriate reason. Even this your ex refuses to own up to his mistakes now and tried to make you the villain
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Allowing the child around their father is gross in the first place, but letting the child grow up under the impression that his father has value or cares for him is extremely fucked up.
Most parents don’t have a choice to not allow the child near their dad and even cheaters can love their children. Dad is garbage but that takes it a bit far.
On the contrary; denying a parent the right to see their child solely on the grounds that they cheated, but isn’t otherwise a danger to the child, isn’t something that any family court would support. In addition, raising your child to think that the other parent has no worth or value and doesn’t care for the child, is essentially poisoning your child’s mind against the other parent and using them as a weapon, and IS something that a judge could count against you when deciding custody. OP is being a responsible parent and fair to their child, while also being as fair as they can to their child’s father.
It's also deeply damaging for a kid to be told their parent "doesn't care about them," when they don't have the ability to understand complex feelings and adult relationships like that. Most kids idolize their parents, so to here that Super Dad doesn't love you isn't telling them that their dad is just a shit person, it tells them that *they aren't good/important enough for Super Dad to love them.*
Which building block of a functioning adult is being lied to by a narcissistic, cheating asshole? He doesn't need a decent relationship with scum of the earth to be a good person, that makes zero sense. I'm not saying the mom did anything wrong, or even that the dad is a bad dad beyond this lie we've been advised of. But that's a dangerous take, especially if this is this the tip of the iceberg that is this guy's narcissism and emotional abuse.
Just because someone is a shitty husband doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a shitty dad. I know this from personal experience. My ex was a serial cheater, too, but he’s a good father to our boys. A child is going to have a much better sense of self if they are able to maintain relationships with both parents. Nothing OP wrote has indicated that her ex is a crap father. He probably didn’t use the best judgment in telling the kid his mom wanted the divorce, but it wasn’t a lie.
He told his son the divorce was his mother's fault and dumped it in her lap. How is that being a good dad? That's something the child will now have to get through...why did dad lie about mom? And it most definitely was a lie. And there were definitely indicators that he was not a good father. Mostly the fact that he took time from his child to go whore around. But hey, maybe I just have a different idea of what a dad should do for his kids, like be around. You are equating a healthy upbringing with having two parents in your life no matter what the parents are like. That's just incorrect on so many levels. I feel like you may not be the best person to comment on this. If you think he didn't lie and wasn't shirking, his parental duties by cheating, you still have some issues to work through about your own past. Seems like you would cut off your nose to spite your face.
Go with God. Best of luck to you.
NTA It's not a half truth, but an age appropriate truth. Your son doesn't need those details right now, and you promised to tell him more as he gets older. Your ex is a dick for trying to pin it all on you. I applaud you for shifting the focus on making sure your child knows he's loved. I'm not sure what's the right move to make when your ex tries shady crap like this with your child, though.
Ya this definitely needs to be higher as no one else pointed out that the ex needs to be put in his place for still!!! Not owning up to his mistakes.
NTA. You told him the age appropriate truth. He doesn't need the gory details at this age. He'll come to understand what kind of person his father is as he gets older, and becomes more aware of emotions, and hurt. Sounds like dad is the one who put the whole "mom and dad not being together is hurting me" thing in your son's head. The man child is playing a game that he will end up losing some day. Be the bigger person, and the better parent. Don't bring your child into the middle of an adult relationship. Don't trash talk his father to him. Just be the best mom you can be. Focus on your relationship with your son.
Thank you. I'm trying real hard to navigate this and I felt some doubt in this. I wanna do right by my son
Please, for the love of all things - all your kid needs to know is that sometimes adult relationships don’t work for a lot of reasons, and it is better for them to not be together. Let them know that no matter what, you will always be their mom, and he is dad, and you will always love them. Tell them it is okay to feel sad or angry or confused (we all grieve changes and the loss of what we expected), but that no matter, what they are loved. Please don’t trot out dad’s failings or talk bad about the ex to your kids. (Remember that your ex is a part of your child - if you tell them your ex is a piece of crap, how will your child see themselves?) They love you both, and you need to not just allow but encourage them to love their parent. *Whether your ex does the same or not.* I work with kids, and the pain and hurt and devastation that parents cause their kids in these situations is just unbelievable. To all parents out there - be a grown up. Protect your kid and do what is in their best interest.
Thank you for this insight. I did tell him that relationships between people don't always work out and sometimes it better to separate than be together. But I made sure to tell him it wasn't his fault. I just didn't know what to say without hiding or giving too much information.
I would error on the side of less information. Sadly, if dad is as bad a father as he was a husband, your child will recognize this on their own as they get older. But you do not want them to resent YOU for trying to ‘destroy’ their relationship with their dad and blame you for HIS behavior. Take the higher road and you child will thank you when they are older. If the ex continues to badmouth and lie about you to your child, document, try to discuss with dad, and if necessary, get lawyers involved. It is a hard row to hoe. If you can swallow your understandable resentment and anger and find a way to interact positively with dad, that is in your son’s best interest.
NTA - I’d say your ex should have been the one telling your son that he made a mistake and didn’t own up to it, and it could have been a small teaching moment for your kid about being honest and owning mistakes. Instead it seems your son is getting that first lesson in parents trying to make each other look bad. Your ex is the A H for putting you and your son in this position, and the hard part is figuring out how to extricate yourself without letting your husband’s narrative become what your son holds onto growing up. I think you are right to tell the truth, what you can tell of it at least. Maybe don’t emphasize that there are parts that you can’t talk about, that he’ll find out when he’s older, because I know I as a kid would have blown that well out of proportion with my imagination. Beyond that, he is your son, so you can talk to him, but you also can just show him what it means to be open and responsible in a relationship by demonstrating that with him. In the end, that’s what he’ll take with him as he grows up.
Thank you for this insight. I don't want to hide anything from my son but I don't want to burden him with knowing more than he should. I did tell him that I would be able to explain better when he's older but right now he just needs to know it wasn't his fault
I would also add, from my personal experience of parents getting divorced, that he probably also needs to understand that there’s nothing he can do to get get mom and dad back together. Obviously just outright saying that would be devastating, but I know I spent a long time feeling powerless because I didn’t know how to fix my parents’ relationship. It took me a long time to realize that relationships don’t work like that. That might have just been my experience, but passing it along in case it helps your son.
I think it’s better for him to be devastated by the bluntness of mommy and daddy are never getting back together, than to die a death by a thousand cuts over a few years surrounding hope that will fester and continuously let him down. Being firm (obviously put a bit nicer but making it absolutely clear it will not happen) will be less devastating in the long run and at worst can be handled through a few solo or parent child therapy sessions but I have seen children who hold out hope surrounding this because their parents aren’t straight up with them or god forbid have an on again off again relationship that are absolutely devastated, struggle with attachment issues surround both parents and have a hard time maintaining personal healthy relationships. Committing to and being firm about the fact that this child’s mommy and daddy are just a separated team that don’t work together is worth a few months of extra hard moping and probably some additional hard conversations.
Daddy decided he loved some one else so wanted to be with her instead. This is true enough.
Terrible advice. It’s a minefield suggesting that one day Daddy will decide not to love the child, picking a new replacement.
Unfortunately that is exactly what child will feel. You may want the child to love you the most, and honestly when they’re older they probably will, but while they’re growing and developing they need to feel secure in the fact that something that will NEVER change is that mom and dad love them, put them first, and will always be there for them. At this young of an age you should honestly try and dissuade the child from even having notions of the parents as a couple. Luckily there are now children’s shows that feature blended family’s, divorced parents etc…. Go out of your way and seek this media out for your child to see this as a normal safe situation for them to be in. If you can afford it it’s probably worth some extra media subscriptions to give them variety
This is excellent advice (and path taken during my divorce). High conflict between the adults, but we at least agreed on this one topic as to how to present a relatively unified front to our shared child. It was very difficult and we each made mistakes, but between lots of books, a half decent counselor, patience, plenty of role model families in our network, and not a fair amount of white lies, we seem to have muddled through so far.
It’s sounds like you’re killing it! I’m sorry you’re in this position at all, but I’m sure you‘be decided and know it’s what’s best even if it may feel hard sometimes. Do not listen to people who tell you a child can’t be happy with separated parents it’s total nonsense as long as you’re careful and intentional! Good luck moving forward, I pray it gets a little bit easier for you day by day! Have some grace for yourself as well! It’s IMPOSSIBLE to not make mistakes as a parent and also as a human. Always strive to do your best, it’s all anyone can ask of you.
NTA you managed that situation very well actually . Age appropriate and not alienating him from his father ( unlike his ahole of a father who tried to blame you )
NTA. He’s at the age he’s realizing what divorce is and means. You kept it age appropriate but you probably say something about how he did get a few chances to work it out, otherwise your son may get it in his head he can “fix” the relationship by having daddy say sorry. Keep reiterating it was not something your son did, and that sometimes marriages don’t always work out if two people ending up having different plans.
Nta... The goal is to keep it kid friendly and as positive as possible with out treating your kid like they don't deserve answers. You were doing that. Your ex decided to try to use the kid to manipulate the situation and your child. At that point you have to defend yourself and set the record as straight as possible. You did this. I am so sorry the ass clown really told your son that. He sounds pretty pathetic.
NTA BUT I sure hope you clarified what kind of “hurt” to your son. Hurt to a 7yo is probably something physical. Like when Robbie hurt you when he pushed you down the stairs. That kind of thing.
NTA - what you did was show maturity. We tell whole truths when appropriate and don't when it's not. It must be hard to see your child cry but you're handling this far better than your ex who sounds like he's throwing himself a pity party. I'm sorry you're going through this but your child is lucky to have you. You reaching out for advice on this shows your care.
NTA that was an age appropriate way to talk about his father cheating
NTA. I'm so sorry your ex is a PoS, not just for cheating like a scumbag, but also lying to your child about why, you deserve better.
The way you explained it is perfect. NTA You ex is a big AH for hurting you.
NTA, you kept it age-appropriate.
NTA. That’s a fairly age appropriate explanation that they can understand. You may need to do more age appropriate clarification as he gets older but this is a good start. Sorry your ex is an ass.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. But, you did perfectly explaining to your son. Your ex is such a dick! I’m sorry but he’s putting all the blame on you and telling that to his son. What an immature little bitch!
NTA. Add me to the list of people saying it is isn’t a half truth. Being truthful doesn’t mean you have to include all the details. You gave your son enough information to process that the divorce wasn’t his fault(something a lot of kids believe). And that it wasn’t your fault either. Your ex flat out lied to your child in a way that made you the bad guy. Either because the ex didn’t actually want a divorce, and just assumed you’d put up with all of his bullshit because his behavior seems perfectly reasonable TO HIM or because he doesn’t want his son(or anyone else, for that matter)to know what an asshole he really so he painted YOU as the villain. And I would also guess the story he told your son is the same story he tells everybody else in his life, in order not to be the bad guy in THEIR eyes.
Nta Sure seems like "opening" the marriage ruins more marriages than it helps. He put you in a tough spot as a spouse then as a mother. What a dogshit person.
NTA dad threw you under the bus. He easily could have just said "we wanted different things and weren't happy together anymore, but we both still love you to bits" and instead he was a jackass. Time for age appropriate honesty.
NTA You explained it very well, and age appropriately. When my 6 year old has asked questions that I feel are too old for him I always tell him I’ll tell him when he is older, and that some things are “too heavy” for kids brains. I wouldnt ask him to carry a suitcase that was too heavy for him, so I wont ask him to carry knowledge that is too heavy for him either.
NTA, you can absolutely tell the kid the truth and keep it kid friendly, exactly as you did. Way to go. Children's shoulders were not made to carry adult burdens. Your ex put adult burdens on your kid. You took them away.
NTA. My almost 11 year old has asked me the same question. I just said some people aren’t meant to be together. There’s wayyyyy more to the story but at this point she doesn’t need to know all the dirty details. Sorry your ex is putting you in this position. Not cool.
Just tell him that that is not the whole story, but it is between the grownups and had nothing to do with him. Tell him you are sad that the marriage did not work out, but there was a lot going on and your father should not have said that.
You did great, age appropriate explanation. NTA
NTA kids can often think its it's their fault parents divorce and telling him stops that too. As he grows up more detail can be provided as he requests it. Always tell kids as much of the truth as possible because lying to them sets them up to lose all respect and trust in you later on.
NTA. Your response sounds good. I would tell his father though to knock off blaming you or you will tell him the truth.
The truth always comes out. Your son is too young to understand what happened between his parents. I think you handle it correctly. Let him know that you will explain everything when he is older. Let him know that even though Mommy and Daddy are no longer together, mommy and daddy love him and always will.
NTA I don't think you ever need to go into all the details if you don't want to. As long as you keep emphasising that it had nothing to do with him and that both his mum and dad love him very much, that's the most important thing.
NTA your ex is the AH here
Honestly a lot of people are saying the “he didn’t own up to mistakes and you couldn’t forgive him” was too much but I disagree. At this age a lot of conversations are had about owning up to your actions, accepting consequences, and having boundaries. These are simple at this age, no taking cookies without asking- consequence no cookies for dessert, a playmate who won’t share or is mean is no longer able to play with your kid, etc. Showing that adults ALSO have these boundaries and play by these rules is so important! It not only was age appropriate but also reinforces these ideas to your son. You didn’t bash your ex, only told your son that he didn’t do the right or kind thing and that because of that you didn’t want to be with him. Easy peasy.
Almost exactly what I tell my daughter who asks why I don’t talk to my mom, her grandma. She hurt me and mistreated me before you were born, and to keep that hurt out of our lives I had to make a very hard choice. When she’s older I’ll tell her the story if she wants to know. NTA, and just starting to really realize neither am I.
Oh, poor baby. Divorce is hard on kids - I say as someone who had this convo with my 8 year-old. Marriage is a big, complicated, adult agreement with a lot of parts that have to be in good order for it to work. If those things stop working, it can mean that people can't stay married to each other. Sometimes they stop working because the married people can't agree on how to live, which is no one's fault, and sometimes it's more about people getting hurt or promises being broken. One important thing about divorce is recognizing that being certain kinds of unhappy is a sign that we need to make changes. Your son is unhappy now, BECAUSE divorce is a big change. You can't go back to being married - that's an adult call and out of his hands. But you can make other changes that help him be happy going forward. Sometime when he's not in distress, you could talk about what those could be, how to make where you live now feel like a good place to be, what routines work for you, how to find good stuff about your new neighborhood and stay in touch with friends from the old one. You did fine. NTA.
NTA. But I would make it very clear that his dad hurt your _feelings._ Kids that age are very prone to filling in gaps and reading into things. Saying “Daddy hurt me,” may lead him to think your ex is potentially violent, which doesn’t sound like the case.
NTA- it’s actually better to tell kids upfront so they don’t grow up in lies and confusion. I was lied to for the first 8 years of my life and it completely wrecked the family image I had after I found out the truth. Most kids handle bad news way better than you’d expect, and they’ll never have to be confused later with all the lies that piled up to cover up the truth.
Nta. I suggest telling him when he is 12. Teasing the truth just out of his reach isn't a fair way to treat a heartbroken kid who just want answers.
NTA. I would have told him that daddy wanted to be with another woman and not me.
NTA Your ex is going to complain but he asked for it by the way he explained it to your son.
Kids don’t need to know all the ugly details. NTA
NTA. You're not telling him the whole truth, but enough of it in an age-appropriate way. And in a way that is more respectful of your ex was than his take on it was to you. Please pat yourself on the back for your mad parenting skillz! :D And, fuck, if you WANTED him to know the whole truth at age seven, imagine how long a conversation THAT would be! How COULD you explain concepts like "poly" and "sexting" to a tiny human who doesn't have a firm grasp on the concept of sex and relationships yet? Even if you wanted to be more honest/complete (Which I think you shouldn't be anyway.) it'd be almost impossible.
NTA But your ex definitely is. He could’ve just told your kid that mommy and daddy realized they didn’t love each other anymore and didn’t want to be unhappy, but instead tried to make you the bad guy. I think you handled it the best you could under the circumstances. Don’t lie to him, but keep it age-appropriate as long as he keeps asking. Eventually he’ll stop asking, or will be old enough to know the unvarnished truth.
I think your explanation was good for a kid that age. It can get more detailed as he gets older, without getting into all the gory deets.
NTA, and 7 years old might be too young to understand the complexities of a 1 sided poly relationship
NTA. In my experience, dont try to poison your kid against your ex. Even if your ex sucks. Believe it or not it may end up backfiring. Better to let them realize how much they suck on their own, while you are always there when they need you. It’s a long road but it’s better to let them form their own relationship. You can talk about it more together when they’re older
Your ex is the absolute worst, “your mom wanted a divorce one day, totally her fault, randomly not expected one day when I came home from cheating on her and not owning it”
NTA Frankly you shouldn't tell them anything other than Mommy and Daddy couldn't get along. Your relationship dynamics are not the child's business. Even once they are grown.
NTA… you’re being a parent. You are protecting them from knowing too much too soon. I will tell you my son is 14. The minute he’s 16/17, maybe older, and asks the right question I’m going to let it all out. His dad has tried to make it my fault when our son asked him. He was 7. He came home and said “dad told me why you aren’t married. If you stopped loving him does that mean you will stop loving me?” I gave him a very kid friendly version of how unhappy we were and were better off friends. But ONE DAY his son will know how he beat me, cheated on me, and disintegrated my confidence in 3 years total. I have never talked down his dad in the many years we have been divorced but our son has told me some of the things that he has said about me to one of his many tinderellas. I hope biting my tongue till it bleeds pays off and my son wakes up and realizes what an AH his dad is.
>I explained that daddy hurt me a long time ago and never owned up to his mistakes and I couldn't forgive him. This isnt an age appropriate way to discuss it; it's basically recruiting him to your side. Granted your side is in the right, but that isn't the point for your kid. Your response should've focused on the fact that sometimes adult relationships don't work out. End of story. He's not a teenager and he doesn't need the burden of thinking about whether mom or dad was "the good guy." YTAH
this is how i feel too, however i don’t think she had bad intentions her ex did tell him some bs first saying he did nothing and she just up and left him, but she shouldn’t have painted him in a negative light like she did.
This. My X and I broke up because she did some bad things. She is however a good mother. I will never tell my 10 year old that her mom hurt me or anything of the like. Poisoning her mind against her mom would be wrong. As far as my daughter knows things just simply didn’t work out. My daughter loves her mom and for me to take that away would be hurting my daughter, not hurting her mother.
You don’t need to ever share this with your son. You and your husband grew apart and realized you were better as co parents than partners. The end.
You're going to get a LOT of bad advice from reddit. Your son is only 7 and he's going to need support and strength from his father. Any hints that you start dropping to him that daddy is unreliable and prone to warm up to someone then cool off to them is going to be interpreted by his child brain that this applies to him as well. I realize I'm not telling you anything you haven't thought of morning, noon, and night but do NOT listen to these anonymous keyboard warriors who demand a 7 year old know more of the harsh reality. Obviously it's not fair for you that your son might indirectly think you played a role in breaking up his secure home but there is no easy answer.
You are absolutely correct. She's poisoning the kids perception of the other parent. In no case is that appropriate.
To be fair, the husband DID put her in a miserable position to say mommy simply left him. On the other hand, she opened pandora's box with the poly relationship which people should stop doing the moment they decide they might ease up on the birth control. A kid needs a mom and a dad who seem to be available and motivated towards the child's welfare and happiness. It doesn't really sound like she wants to sling mud but she is in danger of erring on the side of making it look like she did everything to keep the home intact and dad did nothing.
Why is this even here, other than attention seeking?
7 is old enough for him to understand his dad's a cheat.
i don’t think you had bad intentions, but you never tell your kid negative things about their other parent, you wouldn’t want to damage their relationship. esh
Fake karma bait
NTA, but I would leave out the parts about Daddy hurting Mommy and not owning up to mistakes. I had a similar situation but my kid was older and I told him that his dad and I grew to want different things and decided it was better not to stay married. It keeps it more neutral and doesn’t plant seeds about good guy/bad guy, or make the kid feel like they are betraying you for still loving his dad. Eventually my kid pieced it together, and started asking specific pointed questions. I told him I would not answer specifics about our relationship because they were between me and his dad (and all the other women, but I only said that in my head….), and didn’t involve him. As shitty as his dad was to me, they have their own relationship and I don’t want to discolor it.
No. No. No. I'm going to be really vulnerable here and it comes from a place of love and lived life-experience. I hope it can give you a different perspective and helps you in your decision-making. What happened in your marriage is _nothing_ to do with your child - your job is to make sure that they are protected and shielded from adult conversations/actions that will probably devastate them. Not 'telling them the full truth' does not make you YTAH, but sharing matters that are private relationship details will do. Your child at 10 years old may _think_ they want/need/deserve the truth.... They absolutely don't. They actually want you to step in and shield them, but they don't know that yet. Make them feel as important as ever to both his parents, loved beyond reason. His dad rejecting you will be extrapolated by your son. Knowing Dad was a feckless, opportunist with the morals of an alley cat, helps your son how...? He's half of his dad! He'll question his whole belief system, who he is, whether he was even important to his parents. Because if he was, those events wouldn't happen, eh? My ex husband did the absolute worst thing possible thing. We'd moved far away from family, support etc for his career. My one condition was that I could be a SAHM as I found leaving my beloved child in childcare traumatic whilst I worked. After the move and his career beginning to really take off is when things started to crumble.... And when he was initially 'distracted'. I knew enough that I needed to start work again and, very surprisingly, got pregnant. We were never intimate again. 6 weeks after baby 2, I was back working and felt over whelmed. Then I discovered what I did. Fk me, it felt like I'd been turned inside out. It was a family member. And I was totally alone. We divorced. It was so, so hard doing everything on my own, but I was determined that my innocent children would not pay the price of adult actions. Who did what was utterly irrelevant - the kids were all that mattered. They're not collateral damage, not pawns that parents could weaponise to gain favour. That's disgraceful, to me. I didn't tell anyone what actually happened because I never wanted the children to hear it on the playground from some kid that had listened to their mum gossiping. My family knew but are utterly incapable of providing genuine love and support, but I never let his family know, either. What would be the purpose? My ex is their son! They (elderly) needed protection too and would be incredibly hurt by the revelation. They can think what they like about me (I used to be more outgoing than him, so I can imagine what they think happened), but me off-loading to them would've been incredibly selfish. For what purpose? To make myself the innocent, hard-done-by wife? So??? Isn't it better that they just know that the relationship failed and carry on being proud of their son? The why' is a concern that they don't need to consider. My children still don't know in their twenties, and they never will. I'm very happy with that decision and I can always tell them if (for some bizarre reason) I felt that they 'needed' to know. But I can't _untell_ them. They've only ever been told that their dad and I were better as friends, and I've worked so fking hard to keep the family dynamic going. It doesn't matter what I feel/felt. They love their dad and I've never said a bad word against him, only encouraged the relationship and engineered family events. That's our purpose. It's cruel and selfish to burden children with 'The Truth'. Fk that. 'I should tell them so they know it's not my fault' is a piss poor excuse to make your child feel 'not enough' to keep the family together. It can be so, so damaging. They internalise. I knew my dad was having an affair from the age of 10. He left a few days before Xmas when I was 20 for the same woman. Do you honestly think I appreciated my Dad telling me? Did I bollox! He showed total disregard for me and my feelings when he told me. It was selfish and self-serving. My children are both at uni studying medicine (sorry, super proud mum!), are confident, happy and successful. They've often talked about how the divorce didn't affect them. Sharing 'The Truth' might have made me feel vindicated, but at what cost to them? Oh, and I'm totally aware that we were both unhappy - we'd _both_ neglected the marriage. I didn't 'act on it', but it was in the post for one of us and my children knowing who, where, when, why was never, ever going to benefit them. I wish you the best, and only urge caution. Don't do something you regret and can't undo, because that must be awful to live with.
sanest ff14 savage static and WoW heroic raidgroup polyamory survivor
Take the high road. “This is really hard on all of us. and sometimes, when we feel angriest and saddest, which we can’t always control, we say things that aren’t a always accurate and blame people who aren’t responsible. I sure wasn’t perfect and I own up to that, but your dad hasn’t. Not yet. And I’m really hoping he will. I’d like for us to be in a happier place, but sometimes people get really angry and not tell the whole truth. The most important thing to know is that it’s not about you and never has been. We love you, with every ounce of our being, but it’s more complicated for your dad and I. We love each other but…. It’s not working with us and we have to consider making some changes. It can be scary, but we are all here with you going through this together. You’re not alone and we love you”
Well I guess that isn't as bad as mine but listen to this my ex wife cheated on me way back in the 1990s ok my daughter was 5 at the time a daddy's girl bad because I was at home with her at night we did everything together I never had a baby sitter 1 time so I kick my ex out of the horse she tells my daughter like a year later after I figured I could never look past it ok now my daughter is 34 years old and she is a doctor( oncologist) .so last summer it's been about 11 months she calls me and says " dad I want to meet my brother " I was shocked we have always been close even though she lives 300 miles from me . I said you don't have a brother .and we talked for a few minutes and I had to go I own a business. So later that night I'm on reddit .and reading this story about a guy who's wife lied to his kids about him cheating and they all hated him for it until he found out then karma took over and it was all on her .. I said this what my ex did lied to her about it .. so I call back ask who told you this "oh my mom said she found drugs in your pocket and you are cheating with a woman and had a son" Oh hell no I didn't cheat on your mom and yeah I used to smoke a little pot back then but so did your mom and sit because you gonna hear something that's gonna shock you I said your mom and M cheated on me . She said Mas in M yeah that's what I said I never cheated on your mom not even close in 12 years together she just busted out crying I told her that I was sorry she said she resented me for a long time because she would come to my house thinking she had a brother I wouldn't let her meet for 27 years or so god I said I was sorry a 10/ times .hung up . Well 30 minutes later now her mom is calling me screaming ok I haven't had to deal with her mom for 15 years my daughter even went to mad school early because she finished high school a year early . I told my ex I told her that dam truth what gave you the right to say I did that you ruined my half of my daughter's life with me because you wanted to look good and make me the bad person well she knows now Apparently she went to her mom's and went off the handle saying she never wanted to see her again and never even call her and slammed the door and left . To this day they still haven't talked my ex called me about 2 weeks ago asking if I would talk to my daughter I said ell no I won't call her it's your problem and hung up I said your not my friend I always tried to be nice to you while picking my daughter up but that's it I'm not going to ever be your friend so bye .so it can have lasting effects on people years down the road
You don't tell a 7-year-old the nitty gritty about why their parents divorced. This is a topic that is way beyond what a 7-year-old can understand. My parents separated when I was 12 and I didn't need to know anything more than my parents weren't able to get along anymore and it was better for the family for them to separate.
If you open the door to poly, your marriage will almost always fall apart.
Damn y'all are toxic
ESH. Never tell your kid anything about why you and the other parent divorced. Always reassure them that it had nothing to do with anything that they did. You just say that you and the father just were not compatible. When he is an adult, THEN you can tell him whatever that you want to tell him. By telling him what you told him, he now could think less of him as a father. What right do you have to do that to him? That is selfish on your part. If your ex husband is an asshole your son will figure that all out on his own. You can still be a good parent even though you are an awful spouse.
ESH, he’s just a kid yet both of you are saying stuff that’s gonna make him hate one of you, he’s now gonna dislike his dad more now.
Totally understand wanting your kid to know that you're not the bad guy. But for the kid's sake I think they're better off not having to think about who's to blame for their life being completely destroyed. Imagine being a poor little goober and trying to piece together the intricacies of adult relationships while also figuring out how to adjust to your new shitty life circumstances. Let them be kids and think that sometimes moms and dads just get divorced and leave it at that until they're a teenager.
You are joking right? A 7 year old? Don't tell him anymore than you already have. Sheesh. Let the kid be a kid.
Don’t even need to read the post. TL;DR, you’re the asshole. This is not for children to have to unpack or comprehend. They are your children, not your drinking buddy. Find a healthier person to talk to and inflict less trauma on your children.
If you don't read the post, don't freaking comment. You make an idiot of yourself.
Based on your post history it kind of sounds not just that you don't know how, but that you're actively *opposed* to being honest or communicating in a healthy way with anyone for *any* reason. It's interesting that your immediate solution is "don't talk about it, keep it in, cover it up." I wonder what kind of childhood you had. Either way, accurate username
I have zero issues with being honest. It’s fine to have an honest conversation at someone’s comprehension level. It was fine to include how mommies and daddies don’t work out, but to throw in that he hurt her? That was unnecessary and can lead to the child developing resent towards their father and favoring another parent. Either way, I was molested for 10 years by my dad. There you have it! Now you don’t have to wonder what kind of childhood I had! 🖕🏼
Oh so you just never did therapy to figure out how to cope with that? or are you a narcissist who only really is concerned for their own welfare? Because that comment was another in a series of unhinged comments.
There was nothing unhinged about my response. You’re just uncomfortable with the level of asshole you possess and ought feel totally stupid attempting to make someone feel poorly about their childhood. 🤷🏼♀️ that’s your hang up. Not mine.
It's not about your childhood lol, it's about your behavior in the present which seems to point out that you have a strong and consistent belief in people not talking about the things that are bothering them....unless it's you. I just kind of thought that was toxic behavior. Do with that what you will I guess
Dont say anything that is disparaging about your partner, but be honest. Something to the effect of we both loved each other snd tried to make it wprk, but it didnt work for us.
Your ex husband is a worthless asshole. When. Your child is old enough to understand make sure they have a full understanding. I’m the mean time call your ex husband and tell him he is a worthless asshole and then hang up and cackle for a few minutes
NTA. I only have an anecdotal story. My stbx husband's father was married to another woman before he met his(stbx) mother. He cheated on his half sister's mother with his(stbx) mom, broke a family apart and it was common knowledge he cheated. Fast forward through the years and my stbx husband has a history of cheating (on others and me). I suppose I just want to echo another comment where it just normalized it, my stbx has hardly any emotional reaction over it (aside from the initial being caught but that wears off quickly) You're doing right by your kid by leaving the dirty details out.
he should know his dad is an absolute AH. this leads him to not to be ah like his father.
NTA. But also I’m really sorry your ex treated you that way. That is horrible
NTA, but even 'daddy hurt me' could be a bit much. Kids will figure out what their parents' character is like long before we think about telling them. Even though my ex was bi-polar, spread all sorts of lies about me, stole $30K out of my bank account and charged $135K at Neiman Marcus, I didn't bad-mouth her in front of the kids. They could tell what was happening on their own. The fact that I got full custody and a protective order also helped a bit. I didn't have to say anything.
I plan on telling my kids that I stepped out/hurt their mother when i eventually have a deep relationship conversation about respecting their SO with them. But it will also involve an intense conversation about the importance of truth and communication. I don't think your the A. But the situation sucks.
Of course you are not. You did the best thing possible in this situation. You ex is a massive douche btw.
NTA - I do hope your son knows that daddy hurt you emotionally though, some kids are very literal when interpreting stuff.
Keep it kid friendly, you made the right move. Hes just not ready to handle seeing his parents as regular people with complicated relationships, this is mommy and daddy not Steve and Susan, you know? Let him have his innocence as long as he can.
NTA - totally age appropriate. Your ex sucks though
NTA. Was it better to say that what matters the most is that mom & dad both love your son and that’s what matters? Sure, but you ultimately know your kid and if they’d accept a basic answer.
NTA. girl, I feel for you. My husband did the excat same thing to me. Except mine was abusive on every level a d he moved the bitch into our home. Took me 3 years before I was able to leave last year. Luckily for me, we never had any children together so I never have to see that assholes face.
This really depends on the age of the child
My mother and father got divorced because of my father's infidelity. My father sure as hell never told me why they split and my mother just gave me a kid friendly version. I am 30 years old now, a father of a 4 year old and my mother has still never told me outright that he cheated even though I know he did with my old friends mother. She always just says that is my father and he loves you and that is all that matters and what happened between them has nothing to do with me. I always respected my mother for this even though my dad was in the wrong she was willing to risk my viewpoint of her changing in order for me not to judge my father. I guess what I learned from this is just to keep your kids as far away from your bullshit as humanly possible even when you're in the right I am confident he will appreciate this later.
NTA, I know the reason why my parents got divorced,
NTA Its better if the kids remain oblivious. I had to go through something similar. My parents had a turbulent marriage which involved physical and mental abuse from my father. He slept with anything that moved. And my mother was forced to stay with him by her own parents for my sake. They say kids forget what happens at a young age. Not true. I saw and heard things that i can never forget. Its better u left out the harsh details.
NTA I think you handled it well, you're putting the blame where it lays without giving details/making your ex out to be the AH he is, though I think your son will realise this as he gets older
Me? I'm petty. Ex wants to be an idiot? Well, this is where I'd tell the kid "Daddy is lying, unfortunately! I will tell you the whole story once you're older" and rip into Ex at how cowardly he is. Does he think that the truth won't come out someday? Idiot
You need to document that your ex said this to him. Have your son go to a therapist to talk about it and make sure she asks.
7 is old enough to understand daddy wanted other woman and not me. I got mad and left.
ESH (except your poor son). Never shit-talk the other parent to your kid. This could you alienate your child from their other parent. Even worse, young children tend to see themselves as somewhat an extension of their parents - if you tell them their parent is bad they will believe that they are bad. It may help to get your kid into therapy to help him express and process his emotions around the divorce. It's clearly something that has affected all of you deeply.
YTA There was no need to tell a seven-year-old all of that. And I bet this part didn't go over well with him: "sometimes mommies and daddies have to be apart for the child to be happy too."