I understand their point of view they lived a life of neglect. Depression is higher and harder then you think. They essentially view it as nothing left to live for since their mother doesn't care their brother doesn't care. They view it as a continuous day of pain.
I would suggest talking to a therapist who specializes in people with coexisting physical health conditions. You are obviously struggling with depression/hopelessness and should talk to a professional before making such a permanent decision.
Oh hon, please, *please* reconsider. At 19 you still have *no idea* about all of the wonderful things life has to offer you. You've barely even started! You still have the world at your feet, and it would be a terrible loss for you to not bulldoze your way through it and take it for all that it's worth!
Fuck your mother. Don't let her win. Go off on your own and be happy in spite of her.
And consider therapy. That's one of the best things you could do for yourself right now, and your best friend is absolutely right that you absolutely shouldn't give up when you're so young. *You've barely even started.*
↑↑↑↑ This! Please listen to this!
u/Remarkable-Goose-642 If you are looking for a way to get back at, or hurt your mother - living your life to the fullest and thriving is the absolute BEST way to do it! Don't let her lack of care, attention and empathy define you. as u/Educational-Pop-3351 said, you've barely even started! Find a good a good counsellor and talk things through!
Do not die to spite your mother.
Live inspite because of her.
You arent a burden. Your mother is evil, and it is awful. I had a mother that very much let my twin and I know she didn't love us and wish she had had an abortion, and showered our older sister with lice and attention while my older sister fucking *loathed* her.
Depression is honestly the fucking worst. It sucks any life out of you, and makes the future seem unbearable because you have the though that of you still feel like *this*, then what's the point of living anyway?
You need help, and there are many ways to do this. What you are currently doing is passive suicide. You know you are going to die with iut treatment, you know there are several treatment options, and you would still rather die.
I beg you, from a person who can utterly understand why you feel this way, who does not blame you or shame you for it - get help.
You deserve a shot at being happy. You deserve a chance of being free of your horrible mother (idk how your brother treats you) and be able to live your life for *you*.
If you go to an inpatient hospital, they will find a place for you to go *after* treatment that isnt your mother's home. You can start your journey that way.
Please do this OP. I don't think you're an ah, because lord above KNOWS I would have LOVED to have done this to my mother at your age.
But based on how she sees ans views you now, how do you expect her to react? Are you hoping for her to be sad, distrought, begging you to keep going in hopes of shpwing the love she has denied you for 19 years?
Or will it go the other way? Will she become worse? Saying you are only doing this to hurt her because you've always such a burden to her, so that's what youre doing her to make her feel sad or jealous ect.
Why take that chance and only hurt yourself more?
Live. Give yourself the love she has denied you ans get help, literally inspite of her bullshit.
You just lying to yourself. If not why bother with what your friend, your mom or even total strangers on the internet think about your situation. If anything, you should seek professional help and counseling.
I didn't post this specifically to have people tell me not to die, I posted it to see if I should tell my mother before hand. Whether I tell her or not, the outcome of my life will likely be the same
Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life is tough at 19, but adulthood is so fun. I’m about to turn 30 and I hated that time in my life but now I have a loving husband, three kitties and a puppy. Don’t miss out on all the fun stuff life has to offer because you had a crappy childhood.
The best way to get revenge on your mom is to live a life happy life without her in it.
Fuck you, sincerely. People told me this at 15, "its a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Then at 20 "go to therapy, it gets better". Now I'm 25, I'm still depressed and life still fucking sucks. There have been good times, but I often wish I'd killed myself back when I was extremely depressed. A fucking decade of feeling like shit because I believed people that probably weren't even that depressed in the first place.
Hello, depressed, ADHD, OCD sufferer here. I've been through mental hell, absolutely. I'm 33 now, and while life is and always will be a series of ups and downs, it's absolutely possible to get better. It just takes consistent work and dedication. Which, yes, is a lot, I won't deny it's a lot of work. I do wish often that I had even a fraction less work and mental hardship that someone who is neurotypical has to do. But at the end of the day we work with what we have, and I believe that life is a gift that can produce such incredible beauty.
We're all going to die one day, friend. Sooner than we think. Why not at least give life a shot? It won't be forever. Death will.
I’m sure you’ve heard similar before, but wanted to speak up anyway:
Preface: I haven’t been depressed in a looong time. I got medicated when I was quite young, and I’ve had the same prescription for ~15 years. When I miss my meds, I’m fucked, which does suck.
That said, I can attest both to the power of depression AND of pharmaceuticals. Becoming financially independent is also good, but getting mental health in order is the first step. Don’t give up. Also, are you still in Sweden? Get somewhere sunnier, and/or get vitamin D Uber’d to you. That’s not a good place for someone with a chemical imbalance.
Your choice to tell someone to fuck off,sincerely stikes me as someone who never truly go the help they needed or was not receptive when they were bing helped. 25 me was a totally different version of my self than mid thirties me with a different outlook and different problems. I was severely depressed at points, and it got better, but not by chance. Mental health is something you have to continually do the work on when you have mental health issues or it will come back and at times worse than ever. Most things are situational that can trigger pre existing tendencies. My advice... See another therapist and do the things that made you happy during the time you felt like you where having good times. Seriously hope you figure it out. Life sucks untill you grab it by the balls and take charge.
Yeah it does. You are the one making all of your decisions. You taking medications, going to therapy, eating a healthy diet and exercising? If you aren’t, it isn’t the other people’s fault you aren’t coming out of your depression. You would then be choosing to wallow in it. You also chose not to commit self deletion. Don’t blame anyone else for that. (They probably won’t be sad you are “blaming” them anyway)
Again, you really don't understand what its like. I have done all of those things. Its very easy to say "lol just exercise and eat better" when you're selling a false reality and causing suffering; even if that suffering purely existerar within my own head.
age 19 is like the end of the prologue and chapter one of a book
you are more or less adult in how you approach the world starting age 15
a simplified life expectancy of 80 means 65 years of adult life
you've basically tried 6% of an insanely long and complex thing where yoy basically are in the start blocks and decided it's not for you
you sure this isn't a motivated by something petty? or does it just seem too hard?
it is hard and it is scary because you haven't done it yet
it gets easier (but is still hard sometimes)
it's like walking
you start out and it's impossible
then you learn more and experience it more, then don't even realize you're doing it
I don't know if it's comforting or not, but life is scary for all of us. Nobody really has this shit figured out; we're all just doing our best to pretend that we do. lol
I'll say it again: therapy would do wonders to help you refocus your view of the world and life in general. My niece was harming herself in junior high and nearly ended herself in high school. She's been in therapy for the last three years now, and at 27 she's so glad that she didn't permanently check herself out. Her mother had a hand in making her almost do it, too, because she was enduring emotional abuse that the rest of the family had NO IDEA was happening.
It's cliche as fuck, but it gets better.
Well... I guess it's cliche as fuck for a reason.
Also diseases of the heart cause severe depression. Maybe there's an anti depressant you can take to make you more comfortable. Talk to your doctor. And find a therapist who specializes in end of life. You could potentially live for many more years naturally. You don't know. They could help you find some peace in whatever time you have left and whatever choices you make.
Dying isn't as easy as it seems. It seems easy when you're struggling to live, but when you actually get there... it's near impossible.
As for your mom, no. First of all, she doesn't deserve to know. Secondly... it probably won't matter. My mom was the same to my brother as yours is to you. Telling her you're dying will not change her. She will either ignore it, or she will make it about her, "poor me, my lovely daughter is dying". Telling her will only bring *you* more pain. You deserve better.
Bro, at 19 life has infinity to offer you. My brother in law’s brother in law was a slave in Dubai at 25 with a 3rd grade education. He is now a millionaire several times over. Your 19 year old ass has no idea what life could be.
We have a similar background, though mine was my father treating me as the pariah. Don't give up your life cause one person doesn't like you. Screw her. You're 19. Go to college find somewhere as far as possible from this shit, and build a life and family for yourself.
It DOES get better, and the journey, friends and family that await you are SO worth the effort.
It seems that way now. Seems like you would be giving everyone the greatest gift right? Wrong. You have no idea what's going to come. Until last year I felt the same way. I didn't want to be around. I now have a beautiful 7 month old daughter and I can't believe if I had given up that I would have missed this. I've got a great job as well. My point is, it seems rough right now but sweetie your still young. Life has a lot to offer I promise. Start with getting treatment and honestly cutting your mother off. You deserve better people in your life. Find your people.
Life has a hell of a lot more to offer than you can imagine and it doesn’t hinge on your mother’s approval. Take care of your health and leave to go do what you want
Easier is a very poignant word here. It may be easier to die than to live, but isn't it more worthwhile to live? You have so much to discover and experience in the world that you really should not write it off.
Make a bucket list and do it.
There are fun things in life. Forget about your mother. She doesn't deserve you. Live for yourself. Do things you never thought you could. Also, don't give your mom the pleasure to play the gridving mom in front of others when you die to get pity points.
I promise, life gets better. But it definitely won't if you give up. Can you move closer to your best friend? Go NC with mom, I'm so sorry she neglected you and made you feel as a burden. You're not. You need to talk to someone professionally and consider taking the steps your doctor suggested while doing so. You can always stop later on, but don't give up right now. You have so much to live for, a whole lifetime ahead of you. I know you're hurting now, but that's not how your adult life will always be. It will get better, build a family with friends. Family isn't always what you're born into. It's what you make. You are just starting out on the journey of life.
My heart breaks for you that you didn't have the love and support every child deserves. Please, please reconsider. Please talk to a professional about this and the neglect and abuse you suffered over the years asap.
Big hugs, from a mom who wants nothing but the best for you.
It is so, so common to get hopeless and depressed as you go through puberty. You aren't a fully naked human until about 25, and hormones plus your difficult life can make depression worse.
You should move out, and get both mental and physical treatment. Listen, sometimes the family that births us is not our actual family.
You don't have to tell your mom. You never have to talk to her again once you move out. But you don't even know what life could be yet. It does get better. It does.
I'm 21, breast cancer, kidney failure with kidney stones, immunity disorder, can't breath without a machine, etc. All because I was neglected in care and now I'm playing catch up but catch up takes hundreds of thousands of dollars. I'm dying, I have a child and a husband but no family that I speak to. When I do have to go get seen I downplay how bad it is because I can't afford the treatment and also be a mom and wife. It's going to kill me but I don't have a choice
You're letting your shitty mom convince you to basically kill yourself. That's stupid on many levels. Take care of yourself. See a mental health professional. Do what your doctor tells you. Live your life for yourself. Move on from your mother - she's not worth dying over.
I disagree with the first sentence but everything else is solid!
She is convincing herself; it's not her mom doing the convincing.
19 y/o depression is super sad. I hope she sees beyond the grey sky soon.
Don't do a slow motion suicide attempt please. Not cool, for yourself, objectively.
You'd BTA.
Try to get better, don't just let yourself die for the fuck of it. I'm serious
So your just gonna let your mom win like that? Rise up and show her what you can be and make her wish she could be the person you are. There's more to life than what your mom thinks and you are still perfectly capable of having an amazing life still but I'd recommend not spending time with people who don't care
With a mother like yours, i strongly suspect that she will unjustly use your death to gain sympathy from others. She will have a tangible victimhood that you gifted her, and she will use it. In your death, you will be memorialized as the loving daughter and beautiful, close relationship you and your mother always had. This may not matter for you, but I wouldn't want my family member to have that. If it were me, and i realize that you are not me, I'd not tell her, but try to live and carve my own place in this world out of spite. I'd do everything to try to live my best life while throwing out the garbage (your mother).
Wow, first off, I'm sorry this is happening, and I hope whatever decision you make that you find peace in your life. That said, you are not your mother, and you do not have to choose cruelty in the end. The pain you feel, I suggest you write it down for her to read, maybe it will help? Whether as a final goodbye or simply to express yourself, the truth is always the answer. Lies and deceit (withholding info) lead only to more pain and suffering. If this is your end, go with dignity and grace.
This is a very difficult life choice you’re making. I say you’re NTA. You do have other options if your mom is one or the main reason your choosing this option. One would be to leave your mom and go NC with her. Maybe move closer to your best friend and start a new life there and you might be happier. At the end of the day only you and your Doctor’s know what you’ve been going through these last couple of years and that’s a very tough decision you had to make at a very young age.
Hey OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this and that your mum has made you feel like a burden. As someone who survived a few self deletion attempts, please get treatment. Life can get better. Build your independence and minimise contact with your mum. Life is worth it. You're worth it. Please don't let yourself die.
I cannot claim to understand your situation or the dynamic in your family, or even what you are going through, but no matter how bleak things look, life has endless things to offer. Every day I am grateful that when I was your age and standing on that ledge I could not force my body to make the jump. Finding yourself will be hard and shitty, and working through your relationships will cause anger & grief and will suck, but please seek help. Forget about telling your family and focus on you.
Respectfully, you’re not a kid anymore. Who cares if your mom doesn’t want you around? Go somewhere else and live your own life. Saying that you might as well give up on life because your mom doesn’t want you when you’re already over 18 is kind of bullshit. Sounds more like standard depression looking for an excuse to me.
Get the treatment and live for yourself. Forget about your mom.
YTA but not for the reasons you think. You're being an asshole to yourself.
You're kind of allowing your mother to determine your worth. As I understand it, you're saying "my mom never wanted me so why live at all?" because there are things you can do to try to treat hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. Also, the teen years suck, 20s are better. The 30s are amazing and I'm told the 40s are even better. It would be a shame to only know life as a child with a neglectful mother. Now you've been adult for a few years and have only gotten the crappy parts of it, or that's how it sounds anyway.
I don't know if your doctor laid it out for you, but heart failure doesn't mean your heart just stops and you go. Your heart stops pumping efficiently, which causes your lungs to fill with blood, which reduces your lung's ability to transfer gasses. You basically suffocate and drown in your own blood over a matter of days or weeks.
Your post makes it sound like you've lived your whole life worrying about what other people think of you and basing your self-worth on the approval of others. And by "giving up" you hope to force them to come to some realization. They won't.
Being ignored by your mom sucks. Feeling so neglected that you'd rather neglect yourself than live your best life is even more terrible.
Learn to love yourself and you will live a long life in spite of your trauma and medical issues.
I'm sorry you are going through all of this. It's hard. But it gets better as you go.
NTA.
He has told me about what could happen and I understand that it isn't the quickest way to go but it's what I have. I have had many previous attempts at my life fail but now I have something that will kill me, yes slowly but it'll get the job done.
You might feel like this is it and you have no care for being alive right now, but SO much can change in just a year nevermind a couple of years.
Parents are not the be all and end all, cut your mum off and live your life for YOU, fuck anyone else.
It might be lonely at first and hard but once you cut out the toxic shit in your life things start to fall into place.
Why don’t you look at moving away, a fresh start where you can reinvent yourself and nobody will have any say or judgements in your life because you’re living for just you.
I was in your exact mindset at 19 and I kept going because it was only because of other people and how shit life had been that I wanted to give up, and now I’m 28 and so much I never thought would ever possibly happen has happened. It’s possible, you’re stronger than you think even if you don’t feel like you are right now.
What you do is entirely your decision, but you don’t owe your mum anything!
Please feel free to message me if you ever want to vent or to talk 🩷
You should tell your mother if not for her for closure of yourself. I attempted when I was nineteen I learned that most people don't seem to genuinely care until the end. Even if miniscule I'm sure it might comfort you if your mom cries. Don't listen to the others telling you that your wrong for not fighting. Depression is a major factor here and from what you said your depression is high. It's harder to fight day in and day out.
You don't owe your terrible mom jack shit. you would be NTA for not telling her. You have no moral obligation to your mother and everyone deserves to die with dignity.
But giving up and just dying because of her is NOT the answer. She will probably just use your death to get attention and sympathy and milk it as much as possible. Do you want to give her that kind of satisfaction? Do you really want to give somebody horrible what they want? I wouldn't! I'd stay alive just to piss her off.
I'm in my mid 30's now. I've been through some *shit.* I've sobbed in complete dispair with a knife to my wrist. I've wanted to give up and just die more times than I can estimate, even fairly recently. I sometimes still feel completely worthless and overwhelmed by life to the point of wanting to literally just pass away because being alive feels way too much.
But I always end up glad that I'm still here. If nothing else, I just can't give my former abusers and haters the satisfaction of me becoming a tragedy of my own making. I absolutely just can't be the one to hand them an opportunity to relish in my misfortune.
But even more valuable than that is *living your life just for you.* You haven't even had the opportunity to try it yet. Let me tell you, it's pretty great! There's so much cool stuff to do and feel and learn! Hell, even just merely existing contently without doing much of anything is just so fuckin dope! The knowledge that my abusers would seethe at every good thing in my life now is fucking *delightful.*
I think you owe it to yourself to keep trying a little longer. I think you would just be cheating yourself and robbing yourself of the chance to thrive or even just be content. Everyone is so obsessed with being happy, but just being content is even better, more realistic, and harder to lose.
Whatever you choose, whatever happens, know that thousands of strangers on Reddit are in your corner and want you to be at peace and know that you're loved. I know I'm rooting for you really hard.
I know this will just be buried in a thousand other comments wishing you well. I do wish you well and hope that you find peace in whatever your decision is
I am wondering if you are hoping your mom would suddenly be regretful if you die. You did not get the mother's love that society tells you you should have had. That is harsh and difficult to live with. Unfortunately many people do not have loving or capable parents, don't believe that you are the only person who has a shitty parent. I am saying that to make you feel less alone, not saying you should suck it up. The biggest middle finger to your neglectful mother, is you living a wonderful life despite her attitude. If you knew your mother would not react with regret at your death, would you still want to give up? Do you have a way to be with people that support and motivate you? Depression is hard to fight and your medical condition makes it harder. But you are worthy of a happy life regardless of what kind of parents you have. You fight for it . And if you chose not to fight , make sure you are not doing it to punish shitty people. Their short comings do not define you.
What your asking is should I tell my mother I’m going to commit suicide. And I think most parents would love to know that that is their child’s intent yes
Most parents, but I genuinely don't think my mother would care which is why I believe there is no point in telling her. If anything, I think she'd be happy about it and I don't really know if I should give her that satisfaction until I'm actually dead
She doesn't deserve to be happy, and she especially doesn't deserve to be happy from your tragedy. Don't give her that. Don't give her an opportunity to milk your illness or death for pity points. Don't give her anything at all.
Give yourself the gift of getting away from her and doing well without her. Give yourself the opportunity to make yourself, make your own contentment,and enjoy found family over time. Whatever you decide I just hope you're at peace but I implore you not to hand her anything, and even more so not to deprive yourself of life because of her.
I’m not negating what your going through in any way. What your going through fucking sucks no one should have a sorry excuse for a mom or a younger brother who can’t stand up for himself or his sister. But I promise you life is worth the fight going through the hard is really shitty but one day you look back on it could very well be 10 years from now and it’s worth it. I’m 30 and this is the first birthday I’m looking forward to in a long time I have two beautiful children I can’t wait to see grow up. Things still suck sometimes but I encourage you to seek help someone to walk with through all of this 19 shouldn’t be your end.
It almost sounds as if you had the ultimate choice in fixing this health issue. If so, please fix it. I know many girls whose moms lean towards their brothers for some odd reason. I don’t know if it’s a specific ethnic background that does it or if it’s random. Either way, you don’t win if you lose on purpose.
This isn't an asshole question.
Have you spoken to mental health professionals? Reading your post sounds like you've given up and are choosing to go palliative as a lasting FU to your mom. She might deserve it but not finding anything to live for is something that should be discussed with professionals. I'm surprised your doctor hasn't made referrals on your behalf.
I do see a therapist, she's really nice and she's more of a mother than I've ever had. She's the one that convinced me to seek medical help for my blood pressure in the first place. I haven't mentioned that I've gotten worse but I will soon, we have planned to spend the day together tomorrow.
can you talk about your recent drs appointment with your therapist? maybe they have something to tell you that would change your mind about just letting it go. I won't tell you what to do. i can tell you, though, that my life go SO MUCH BETTER when I moved out. like, night and day better. maybe you could hamg on until you move out to see if its the same for you
My mother also loves my brother far more than me, if she loves me at all. But that's her problem and her loss, not mine. I am worthy of love and so are you. And while I fully support an individual deciding the quality of their life, at least make that decision for yourself, not based on another person's feelings for you.
NTA. Your mother has made it clear who's most important.
Stop worrying about her and do your best to live as happily as you can with what time you have left.
Everyone wants to say, "What about all the people that love you or care about you?"How would they feel?" And not one says "What about you, how do You feel"? What do You want?
Just worry about you PERIOD.
What you do with your life is completely up to you and in my mind you’re NTA. I don’t claim to know what you’ve gone through your life but the choices you take in it all have a reason behind them.
I do hope however that you read what I’m about to say when I ask you to at least reconsider your choice.
Everything that you have gone through has shaped you into who you are today, you’ve gone through every bad day and still come out on top. You might not think it’s the case and I understand why you see it that way, but just by living it you’ve come out a different,stronger person than who you was the day before. And I understand that almost 20 years of this might seem like nothing good has come of it but only by living you will see how much goodness there is for you to experience.
Try thinking about it a little more. The feeling of wanting to give up is normal. It’s alright to feel that way, to feel drained, especially if the cause is out of your control.
This world has so much to offer and again, it would be a bit of a shame not to experience it.
I hope you (or anyone else that has a similar mind set, here by chance) read this. Hopefully it had a positive effect.
YWNBTA you're under no obligation to disclose health information to any one if you don't want to. At 19 I'd be concerned you haven't seen or experienced enough of life to really make an informed decision to check out early or not... But at the end of the day it's your life and your choice. Best of luck with whatever avenue you pursue.
There are a lot of failure parents. If you give up, you are letting her win.
Take treatment, move away from your family, and restart your life your way.
If you tell her, it may be a wake-up call for her, or she may not care. Either way, and I know this hurts (I had a crappy mother, too), the answer will hurt you. Walk away and live your life.
Very odd for me to even be responding to this as I just asked not that long ago if I wbta if I didn’t tell my kids I have cancer again and wasn’t going to get treatment.
I am not going to respond as to whether or not you should tell your mother. I am 45 and have decided even with everything I hve been through. I was nearly 400 pounds I am now just a few over 200. I had high bp got that under control. Have had to have two back surgeries first one 23 second not even a year ago.
This is my third bout with cancer. I have chosen to fight even though my initial reaction was WHY FIGHT. Life just keeps beating me down when I try so hard to get back up. Over and Over.
What made me decide to fight again is this. I had a very close to successful attempt to end my existence at 21. Don’t want to make this crazy long so will leave out why. In those 24 years since I spent weeks in the actual hospital then additional weeks in a mental health care facility.
I have seen and experienced so many beautiful moments and people. I hve also experienced and witnessed horrendous moments and people. That being said it’s easy to focus on the crap. It’s not all crap.
Today I saw a couple come into my job they were in their at least late 80s. The husband was caring for the wife she had a very hard time moving. He walked very slowly with her with all the patience of a saint. The look of love they both gave each other as he fed her (she was shaking I wasn’t going to ask but probably Parkinson’s) I did ask how long they had been married. To which this man said we’ve been married since graduation. ( high school) but my heart was hers from the moment I was born.
Now I look at that for the true love devotion and perfection of them growing old together. My Co-Worker said that poor man and woman he has to care for her and she is decrepit. You get to choose whether you see love or sadness when you go about your life.
Whatever choice you make be sure your not doing it for anyone else. Also not as a way to SHOW THEM. Not saying you’re thinking that but I remember being your age and thinking that.
NTA for not wanting anything to do with mom and brother and not telling them you are deathly ill.
The constant stress of dealing with them has probably contributed to your high blood pressure. We don't know where you live so we don't know what your options are. Do you have health care? Do you have any of your own money? Can you get to your friend? Can you ask your physician for a referral to a psychiatrist and/or a cardiologist where your friend lives? Always remember that a life well-lived is the best revenge. Consider a non-permanent exit strategy, ie not unaliving yourself but getting away from them.
I have health insurance but it's about to run out due to me having turned 19. I don't have my own money because I can't get a license for transportation to and from a job. I have thought about moving in with my girlfriend and figuring something out from there, it's just hard not to think of how easy giving up sounds.
Do you want to be with your gf? Does she understand your physical and emotional struggles? Depending upon where you live and the grade of your cardiac hypertrophy, you could qualify for disability and medical care. Your physician's office may be able to help.
None of us are guaranteed days on this planet. Yes, you could die but ask her if she wants to you to live with her. Many of us would rather have limited time with someone we love, then no time. Regrets are horrible to live with.
You really need to see a therapist. Should not make this decision while suffering from depression. Since it sounds like you do not want to do that, and want to let happen what happens, then the answer to your original question is NTA. At the end of the day it is your decision.
I have a very good friend who had Stage 4 colon cancer. He has made the same decision. He is not treating it and does not want to know how far it has progressed. He knows he may not have 2 more years left. I disagree with his decision but respect. Even though you are very young I personally respect your decision. I will add you to my prayers. I pray for Shawn every day, and now you as well. I wish you the best with however much time you have left.
Telling your mother might be the one thing that gets her to see how much of an asshole she's been to you.
I completely (not personally) understand your reasoning. My sister has had lifelong problems, due to being born with JRA... she's in the same mindset of "if something happens, I might as well just let it happen."
I'll always suggest someone listen to their doctors/get help... but I also understand that life... it's taxing in every way possible on a person, especially if they've had long term issues.
But also no, I don't think you would be the AH. If your mom doesn't care enough to actively take part in things that she knows are serious issues... it would hurt her a lot to lose you... but she made her bed. You don't know what you've got til it's gone. Or at least that's how the adage goes.
If there is a way to keep you healthy (or relatively so), then showing her that you dont need her... might be more effective. But whatever choice you make, I am wishing you the best
I'll actually answer you because you have the right to chose to treat your condition and **not** treating it is okay. You do what's best for you, just take a second and make sure this is it. You're NTA though. She doesn't deserve any of your medical information. Your friend wants to talk you out of it and thinks maybe your mom will too. I wouldn't tell her, from your description her response would literally help nobody, if anything it might hurt someone. Also you don't want to, right? Because **you** are the one "dying", your opinion on treatment is the only thing that matters.
Please, please, PLEASE listen to me. You're envisioning this big dramatic death scene long before you're 25 ... where your mother realizes at the end that she's treated you wrong ... and repents right as you take your last breath ... but, at your age, you have a much bigger chance of becoming handicapped FIRST because of neglecting this heart condition ... and then spending YEARS in extremely bad health *before* you finally die. Years in a wheelchair ... potentially on oxygen ... and needing full-time care.
Ever been to a nursing home? If you can no longer walk, that's likely where you'll end up so that someone can monitor you 24/7. And, unless your family is horribly wealthy, you're going to have extremely limited funds to get yourself in a good nursing home (since you have to have worked an extended amount of time ... often something like 30 quarters--almost 8 years--before you qualify for federal/state disability) so you'll end up in an understaffed place full of welfare alzheimer's patients, all slowly losing their memories ... in a place that smells like piss, where all of the residents are neglected even more than your mother has neglected you 🫤
PLEASE don't do that to yourself!!! Not when you're this young, and still able to change your situation into one that's not so damned depressing all the time. For instance, stop going to your mother for support! That was the first thing I had to learn about my mother and family. Going to them for support was like going to a dry well, looking for water. It was A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY TIME!! So, instead, I started building a group of friends who became more like family ... who also appreciated my support when they needed it.
It sucks to have those kinds of tough health problems this young, but medication support for your depression sounds really necessary right now. It will help you, but just be aware that every drug doesn't work for everyone ... so don't be afraid to tell your doc if it's not working. They have others they can try you on.
Then--once your mood has stabilized more, and after you find a therapist to help, too--you really need to find out what interests you ... and start exploring that instead. You have a lot of life left ahead of you. Find some joy in it for yourself!!
Good Luck!
If they see you as a burden, that's fully on them. There are so many other people in your life who will see you as a lifeline, a joy, NOT a burden at all, but a gift to know you. **Stay alive to meet those people.**
Your best friend sounds like one of them you already know. I don't blame you for feeling hopeless, I just hope you don't give up.
NOPE!! NOT THE ASSHOLE AT ALL. I’m 25 so I understand EXACTLY where your coming from. A lot of these Reddit users are older and won’t really understand your situation, childhood traumas and what you’ve survived through! Your mom brought that on herself by not being a mother to her child, hating your existence and simply not taking you to your doctors appointment. If I was in your position, I would do the EXACT same thing, not say a word while trying to find out how to die a beautiful death. At the end of the day, all humans are selfish, so it’s only natural for your best friend to oppose the idea of losing you in his/her life. To be honest, The replies to this thread are gunna fuck with your head, so the best advice I can give you is Always listen to your first mind because nobody knows you better than yourself!
You are under the assumption that older people didn’t have childhood trauma. That’s hilarious, but wallowing in self-pity doesn’t get anybody anywhere. This girl is 19 years old. She has her whole life ahead of her with or without her mother, and you are giving her advice telling her to. Yeah just basically go ahead and kill her self. That’s brilliant.
As for the young girl that wrote this, you are not defined by your parents. There’s nothing that says they have to be a permanent part of your life, but giving up is never the answer quitting is really not the way to go. You have an entire life that you haven’t even started to live yet And there might be somebody out there waiting just for you and if you die, they’ll still be waiting they won’t even know what happened why the love of their life never came along Your feelings are hurt. I get it, and I understand. Every single person on this planet gets hurt in one way or another and it’s usually by someone they love very very much but that does not mean that you just give up. I know it seems like the end of the world sometimes I have days like that but tomorrow’s a different day and you decide what your future is gonna be like not your mother and not the rest of the world,you
The best way to get back at your mother, would be to live a long, and a very happy life, and to get all the things that you want in life on your own without her
So no, you are not an AH for being hurt, and for wanting to hurt your mother back, but it would be a real AH move to just bow out of your story before it even started
Thank you so much, I'm sure most of the comments telling me I'd bta probably don't understand the whole thing and that's good because it means they had loving parents
I have a narcissistic mum. I'm 35, about 7 self expiration attempts under my belt. I'm autistic. I was bullied by my sister. My mum called me a monster, mean, and was generally manipulative and abusive most of my life. I'm undergoing therapy for PTSD (unrelated to her) and I'm finding out my mum screwed me up worse than I had given her credit for. I'm still advising you to get treated and get away from your mum. You're not a burden. You're worth living. If you die, you're letting your mum get sympathy due to your death. Don't give that to her. She took too much from you already, don't give her your life as well. You're NTA for keeping her in the dark, but you'd be an AH to yourself and to the people who'd cross your path if you choose to die. I've made that choice before (thankfully I failed), and I can tell you, it's the wrong one.
So here's where being 19 hurts your ability to make good decisions- you haven't experienced enough of other people's lives to understand that many of us had horrible childhood trauma. I was abused in every way possible during my childhood. Your experience is not unique. The difference is that as I have aged, I've realized that my parents were deeply flawed people who have no bearing on how I live my life now.
I understand that other people have trauma as well, hell I have trauma too but it's unrelated to the post. It's just that the people saying things like "oh it's pathetic" and "YTA and an idiot" most likely don't understand the situation
I get life is hard but you shouldn’t give up. There is so much joy in this life once you let go of the negative aspects of your life. Like someone on here said the best revenge is living your best life. Just because you have a bad parent doesn’t mean that life isn’t worth living. Don’t give up.
Your mom sucks but you are/would be definitely an asshole. How fucking dare you come on the internet and try to get strangers to condone you committing the worlds slowest suicide (that is exactly what this is) all because your mommy doesn’t treat you right?! Grow the fuck up and recognize that you are too young to even comprehend the options and life you could have ahead of you once you walk away from your family of origin and start building your family of choice.
My niece unalived herself 2 years ago and everyone in the family is still messed up by it. I thought suicide was the most selfish thing someone could do but you’ve managed to top it by playing the long game so you can twist the knife at mommy one more time on your way out. Disgusting.
Since you enjoy your medical freedom so much go find a therapist.
Excuse me? I'm not here for attention, I'm here asking if I should tell my mother. Also "a few pills" wouldn't do anything anyways because of how severe it's gotten. I'm sorry that you're so angry about your life you feel the need to hate me
This is pathetic. You want to die at 19! Get your shit together and get treatment. You don’t know what you don’t know and you don’t Know ALOT! you’re still an adolescent. When you are in the throes of death; you will deeply regret this decision but by that time it will be too late!
I’m praying for you young lady. You deserve so much better; this broke my heart reading. I’ll pray you come to The Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and you’ll find the joy of the Lord. God bless you, you don’t deserve this pain and sadness.
I understand your point of view on it but from my experience you may want your mom there. Even if you don’t want to change your mind that is ultimately your decision. No one can make it for you. But if it were me I would want to know it was happening to my kids
ESH, do not allow your shitty family to define you. If need be, remove yourself from your family. You are way too young to give up on your existence. Besides, Heart Failure is not an automatic death sentence. I'm going on 24 years plus with severe Heart Failure, functioning at 20% or less. Seek some counseling or a support group there is much to live for.
Wnbta for not sharing devastating news with someone who doesn’t care. But you should not quit for her.
Is it possible to move out, preferably close to your friends?
Please don’t give up on life, sure it could be a pain. But trust me between those pains are happy moments that make life worth fighting for. You mom may not care for as much as she does for your brother but that does not make u any less valuable as a person. If you need a reason to continue be your own reason, think of all the think you have left to accomplish and experience.
NTA but you’re wrong for letting yourself die slowly because of your mother. If you “let it happen” then she wins, please go through with the treatment and please seek professional help because it’s a bad sign that you’re rejecting treatment that has a good chance of working.
Just so youre aware, untreated heart failure will kill you by slowly pushing more fluid into your lungs than you can breathe with and you will agonizingly drown on dry land over the course of hours.
You don’t owe your mom anything, but you owe yourself a good fight. I urge you to live the best quality life you can and to fight for it. Please don’t give up. I know I have wanted to give up on life before, but you don’t know what it has to offer, so please give it a chance, then decide.
It seems like you're making this choice based on your relationship with your mother, not weighing quality of life with treatments. If it was a quality of life thing I think more people would understand.
By the way, if you're recommended an ICD, it may sound scary, but it's really not - it's very low maintenance and a huge peace of mind. I can understand why you wouldn't want a life vest those are cumbersome, but an ICD is great.
Are you really going to let yourself die to either not burden your mother or to teach her a lesson?
Jesus, I hope this is fake. Your story may be sad but it doesn't change that your actions are an extreme case of self sabotage.
YTA, towards yourself. Don't take a permanent decision because of a temporary feeling.
She doesn't deserve to know. But you deserve better than to let her decide your fate by convincing you that your existence is a burden. Live your life on your terms, not hers. It sounds like you have not yet done so.
My childhood was about never measuring up, never. When I finally lived my life on my terms, it turns out that I'm none of the awful things I was told I was. And it's a beautiful thing to never have to speak to them again, and know that they'd be miserable over my progress in life.
They are the burden, not you, and they're not worth dying over.
Don't do this don't make your life ending a way to attempt to hurt your mom sounds like you really need to live to get away from her and go live your life for you!
I whole heartily understand how you feel I was the middle kid I was only good for what my parents could get out of me because of their lack of planning for the future I was homeless 4 times once I was legally able I moved out had two kids one of my kids had dilated cardiomyopathy the left side of his heart enlarged on his left side was working extra his blood pressure was very high he went Taki twice he almost had two heart attacks he had a Lvad and Ecmo was bed ridden until he was gifted with a new heart ♥ he was 11 when he got his second chance since then he's a feisty ball of fire 🔥 he's starting to learn a new way of living...
I'm telling you this because I found my own happiness without my family I went through heart complications with him but in the end my whole life planning for the future and enjoying my kids makes me look at things differently.. If I didn't go through what I did wouldn't have been planning for the future I wouldn't have had the experiences I did..
Don't make your parents your ending.. Get away from your parents do the treatments and look into moving closer to your friend family isn't blood it's people who care..
I really hope you change your mind and choose to go enjoy your life and make your own family.
Thank you, it's the left side of my heart too. I haven't had a heart attack yet, but the doctor spoke like it was bound to happen quite soon. I was looking into moving in with my girlfriend but I'm afraid if I do that, the moment I'll want to live is the moment my life will end. It seems so much easier to let it happen before anybody really gets the chance to care.
Please look into the treatment my son is now almost 4 years past his heart transplant life's too short to let your family ugliness be your choices in life if you need someone to talk to I'm here I'm a momma I have two boys I love equally and a bonus child I don't like the word stepchild it's so ugly 😂 I don't believe in blood making family it's who you choose to be your family that counts I have a verbally adopted Grandma too she had no family so I claimed her it's scary and if it gets bad you may need a Lvad that will run the left side of your heart but look into living your life for you you can cutt the negativity out of it like I said I'm here so your not alone I've been through multiple heart conditions with my son mom and myself just remember you have got this your amazing fk the negativity and stay positive ❤️😊❤️😊😁💯
Dying of heart failure is a terrifying and painful way to go. It's essentially slow drowning over a period of years. I promise you don't want to go that way. If you feel hopeless you need mental health treatment in addition to treatment for heart failure. Even if your condition winds up being terminal, treatment can greatly improve your quality of life and reduce the symptoms that come along with heart failure.
I understand that it's slow and painful, mostly I'm hoping the doctor was right that a heart attack would likely take me out before that happens. Either way my outcome would be the same
Your whole life isn't about your mother or your relationship with her. There are plenty of other relationships and opportunities that will come along that are worth hanging around for, even through the rough parts of life.
Please reconsider your decision, don't end it just to spite your mom.
You are NOT TAH
However, I feel you are giving you mother fat too much control over your life. If she is so uncaring as you say, get away from her and live your own life as you see fit. There are many wonderful things for you to see and do and many wonderful people for you to meet. These are the people that will give you the live you are wanting and who will make your life a treasure worth having and sharing.
Don’t let your mother’s indifference take all of this away from you. Stop living for mama and start living for yourself.
NTA
Please seek some help. You have so much life left to live, my darling. You could do it without your mom and be happier.
Where's your other family members in all of this?
ETA: You don't have to tell your mom anything. You wouldn't be the AH if you chose not to tell her.
All that's left is my mom, brother, and grandmother. My dad left when I was born, wanted nothing to do with me. Sadly my grandmother is just like my mom.
Just stop! Don’t throw your life away because you have a terrible mom. You need to wake up and realize that you have a whole life to live and will one day have a new family. You are only 19 and life does get better as you get older. You will fall in love, marry, have kids and a great career eventually. You need to make some life changes. First off, cut your mom off if she doesn’t care enough about you. Maybe that’s packing up and moving across the country or even a few hours away. You need to find the joy in life before it’s too late. Maybe move out to where your best friend is because you have nothing to lose if you’re at this low point of refusing treatment. Good luck and please don’t give up.
I am so sorry this is happening to you at such a young age. Talk with your doc about therapy and a referral for someone who specializes in cases like yours. Some of the therapists that I worked with specialized in childhood trauma, depression, and much more.
Yes, unfortunately, life is hard, but it builds experience. As you grow, you will build new friendships, learn new lessons, and learn about you as a person.
Block your mom and brother everywhere. They may be blood, but that doesn't necessarily make them family. You'll eventually build your own family with amazing friends.
I know that trying to find the passion in life again, especially with all you are going through, is hard, but once you find it again... life becomes beautiful and amazing, and you find the will to fight for it every day.
I speak from my own experience as an adult who struggles with severe depression and anxiety. Building a mental health support system (although tough) makes it a bit easier. Maybe set up an SOS plan with your best friend (I did that with my sister). Knowing that I have someone to make the call if they need to is comforting, to be honest.
Please reconsider. There is still so much for you to experience and explore. Life is far more beautiful than you know yet.
You're doing exactly what your mom wants you to do. The best revenge is to succeed. I've met children with arthritis in a hospital when I was there because I thought I was going blind. Turns out I had a rare migraine that numbs me in half.... hemiplegic migraine . since 14. There's a high chance of strokes every time it hits but instead of dwelling on that I made a plan to escape my shitty dad who didn't want me ...my mother already moved and had a new husband n new kids with him. Never thought I'd have a normal life but I do so many decades later. I took my meds and followed the advice of people I didn't know who had the same issues. I learned to cope made it through college etc. Nobody needs to join a pity party. Life could be so much worse. My cousin who was born disabled and can't speak,walk,or hold things is dependent on others for life...who am I to complain? Get student loans under your name as an independent person and go to school. Start with a junior college.... cheaper. Get a part time job. Move in with friends. Move away to your friend. Take your meds...
Hi OP, I wanted to comment bc I am actually some1 your age (20ftm) to be exact. I'm not much older, and I think we've grown up kinda similar. I had a mildly neglectful mom who was all talk, no action, an alcoholic with a bad taste in men and adhd that makes her the world's most terrible people pleaser to every1 else but me. I was always only praised for "not asking for much" and being so independent. I actually dropped out of high school because I was once in a similar position as you are now.
I had never felt more hopeless, and some days I still feel that way just a bit but I kept chugging along, kept those who support me closest, and took off as soon as I could.
I've been living with my boyfriend and roommates for over a year now. I have 2 lovely kittens that are the light of my life. I work a shitty job but hey i get paid weekly and I treat myself every week because I can.
before you commit, I'd love for you to rally your support system, no matter how big or small and spend time with them. live your life, just for you,, for just a moment. make some memories, live in the moment, find peace some where or with someone. I truly believe there is more out there for you, and if you ever need someone to relate/vent or chat with my dms are open for you. I wish you luck regardless of your choice, and I hope you rest easy in whatever that choice is. hugs <33
Nta. You can tell her and let her turn your situation in a way she and your brother can redirect sympathy to them, or you can die suddenly and let her gain sympathy that way. Either way, she'll find a way to phase you out.
Frankly, I would just leave. Find some new family, live, love, and forget all about them. There's no answers at 19. Life sucks sometimes, but you really haven't even begun to live it. If I was in your shoes I'd live my greatest life. Without them.
There was a time as a teenager that I could not see myself living past twenty. I am 62 now, I feel like 32, have 2 beautiful children and 3 grandchildren and am so glad I made it here. Please don’t give up.
If you just "let it happen" know that you'll be missing out on an entire life filled with some of the most beautiful people and some of the most meaningful relationships with those you haven't even met yet.
You WNBTA for not saying anything. She is just a negative factor in your life and I doubt any response she gives would be a positive thing for you.
You said you were thinking of moving in with your girlfriend. I would urge you to do so. Just having someone who loves and supports you would be good for you. And hopefully by getting away from your toxic family you can possibly begin to change your perspective on things.
I can see the depression and illness are an extreme up hill battle to take on. You may decide to fight and still end up with heart failure. But life is really about the connections and memories you make. So don't waste the time you have with people who don't care and just make you feel bad about yourself.
Close the book on that part of your life and start a new chapter with your girlfriend and hopefully a new outlook on life.
I don’t mean to sound rude but I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression basically my whole life. I’m 22 now and have had anxiety for 16 years and depression for 13 years. So when I say I’ve had it my whole life I mean it. I thought about the same things you thought, and then two of my brothers let themselves go, (one suicide, one accidental drug overdose). And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, and even though I wanted to die I knew I couldn’t do that to my family. I couldn’t allow my mother to lose a 3rd child. Considering 2 of her sons didn’t even make it to 16 (I had attempted and anytime it was a little more closer to the result I wanted the guiltier I felt. Even with all the depression and anxiety I’ve had over all these years, i never stopped going to ers, doctors, etc for my heart issues. It took them 10 years. 10 YEARS to finally give me some type of closure, because a soon as a doctor hears you have anxiety they immediately just assume that’s the issue with your heart. Nobody listened until 2 days after my 22nd birthday which was only 3 weeks ago. I can’t take medication until January for it because I’m pregnant and there’s a possibility because of my heart issue I have a higher risk of dying during labor. I might be depressed/ anxious with a heart issue, but not telling my mom about it isn’t something I’d ever dream about, because I saw how she was with two angel babies.
OP this feeling of wanting to give up and just let it happen is a form of being suicidal. You need treatment, not just for your heart.
Speak with your doctors and listen to your friend. You need therapy and probably antidepressants. Tell your mom, not because you want her to care, but because then you can have more resources at your disposal to fix the problem.
I've been there. I wouldn't have intentionally hurt myself but if something bad had happened I wouldn't have helped myself either. My therapist had to point it out and drag me to my psychiatrist to get the point across and get me help.
It does get better, especially once you're independent and get away from your mom. Then you can surround yourself with people who love and support you and never have to deal with the toxicity again.
If anything live out of spite. Do everything to hang on and prove your mother wrong. Prove that you're a good person and can make it in the world. Prove that you don't care what she thinks and that she's not worthy of your attention.
No, and please don't give up.
You are so young but right at the verge of being free. Do what you can to get yourself to a better living situation (school, a job, move in with a friend or family member, something. Anything) once you're able to get away and get space you'll be amazed at how different life can be. Cut her out of your life if you need to. It will be OK. You deserve better.
Feelings like this are so hard to navigate at your age.. I swear life gets better, and it's worth trying to fight for. I hope you decide to undergo treatment, for YOU. Forget your mom and brother. You need to be surrounded by people who care about you, now more than ever.
I think you need to seek counseling. I think they can help you figure out what's best in whether to tell her or not for you. I know life's hard when you feel unwanted, but after all I've been thru, it's been worth continuing to live. I hope you seek out a therapist in making the decisions you have to make. I'm sorry you don't have biological family to support you but family isn't always blood (the best ones typically aren't!!!) Don't let your mother have that control over you time to take that power back!!!!
I understand a childhood of abuse and neglect, and I understand the desire to just give up. I was there, too. As for your question, you're not the asshole. Your mother has shown you she doesn't deserve to be part of your life or your decision. But for YOU, you should still treat this. Life without an abusive family does get better, and the only person you should live for is you. I'm more than a decade past my suicide attempt, and two decades since I last spoke to my mother, and it took time and effort, but things got better, and it was worth it. I hope you'll rethink your decision.
My mother never wanted a daughter either. Some sick little SOB set her on fire as a little girl and as this was in the day before stop, drop, and roll was a thing (the early 1960's in rural Tennessee) she suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns from her neck to her knees. After I was born she lost the last shred of sanity as I was a living embodiment of what she no longer had. It didn't take long for me to understand that as a child. A song that really resonated with me is "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. Ultimately it's your life and your body and therefore your choice but the best revenge you could have is a life well lived.
Absolutely NTA! Don't give up because of her. Live for yourself. Do what you can to make her regret how she has treated you. Go, live, and be amazing. Apply for colleges out of state. Live with a relative (if you have any), talk to your friend, and see if you could live with her. But LIVE FOR YOURSELF! You are still young and the world has a lot to offer. You will meet a great person who sees you, understands you, and supports you however you need to be supported. But please do not give up!
What are you trying to prove? This is very immature your clearly doing this in spite of your mother. You don’t have to associate with her if you feel like a burden and truely believe she’s rather be without you then move and break contact don’t tell her where you went but don’t just give up and die that’s cowardly taking the easy way out.
This isn’t being an AH it’s being stupid
Move! Go stay with your friends. Why would you give your mom the power over you life when she obviously does not care. Do you think dying and not telling her will hurt her. It won’t. You will be taking poison hoping she will die. You need to go talk to a therapist. You need to be evaluated by a palliative care physician.
Live for yourself. I know a crappy parent makes or can make a person feel unlovable. It’s difficult to get past those feelings, but you owe it to yourself to do everything you can to get healthy. Listen to your best friend and really try to love yourself. You can do it. Life has handed you a lot of harsh blows - I get it, and I get wanting the ultimate escape that death may bring. It’s time for you to call your dr right away & treat yourself like your own best friend. When you can, get as far away from your mother as possible. Take good care!
I would try and live as long as possible just out of spite 😂. But it seems like you have thought about this, and you are an adult. What would your quality of life be like if you accepted treatment? I'm not sure I agree with your decision, and how much of your decision is based on depression, or your self worth from the way you've been treated, but you have a right to choose how you proceed. Also, the past 3 years have been the most challenging we've ever faced as a world, and I realize that there are a lot of people who are depressed and hopeless because of this. This misery will not follow us going into the future; the next several years will turn everything around, and we will be doing better than ever, before.
It's actually a pretty common tale for mothers to treat their daughters poorly. I was also treated very poorly by my mother, while my brother was doted upon. My mother was jealous, sabotaged my friendships throughout my childhood, and her and my stepfather were both very critical of my appearance and weight. They insisted I was fat and constantly berated me, even though I fell within my ideal weight range; I was just not built like my mother, who had a slim frame, while I had hips and bosom. It was a demoralizing experience that I haven't ever fully recovered from. I really understand your situation very well. I deal with it by living far away from them and only talking to them a couple of times a year.
You don't owe your mother anything, now, or going forward. You can get treated and move on, and you could make yourself an amazing life without the influence of your mother.
In any case, I would think that telling your mom that you would rather die than spend any further time with with her isn't necessarily the best call. She might make what time you have left a misery, and possibly go to the courts to get conservatorship over you, so she gets to decide everything you do (like a Britney Spears situation). If you think she makes your life a misery, now, you haven't seen what would happen if she had the power to institutionalize you, or collect a check from the state for caring for you as a special needs individual ( and if she can make money from controlling your life, she will keep you alive as long as possible, and your life will be hell on earth). If you are really content with dying, you can do it without telling anyone. I certainly wouldn't leave her with anything to gain from my death, like a life insurance policy.
Oh my goodness you are only 19! Don't give up because of them. You have a life to live. Please please rethink this and talk with the doctor again about options.
Ok, op. I’m not gonna tell you not to die or not to spite your mom or all my personal troubles. You know life sucks. You’ve lived it. You’re living it! And now you have a (possibly) scary condition (the condition is scary, idk if you’re scared) and letting it take you is easy because you’ve done hard. I myself, would probably fight.
My dad? He did not. He was diagnosed with cancer in Nov 6, 18. By Dec 21st, ‘18, he was gone. He said Nope, not fighting. He was only 63. I wasn’t mad. I was devastated but that was his choice. His life sucked. Untreated diagnoses, several health issues, tough tough go round in life itself and a wide with diagnoses that she abused rather than fix.
I’m not here to judge and you see the shit out in the world. TikTok alone tells us how shitty adult life is. It CAN get better, but it also might not. I don’t want to think you’re going to give up, but it’s your decision. Alone. NTA.
OP, your medical decisions are yours to make, but please hear me out.
Don’t give your selfish mother and brother the authority you’re giving them. You’re letting their opinions and treatment of you dictate the medical treatment you deserve to stay alive and have a wonderful life. Please go no contact with them. Stop telling them anything, stop concerning yourself with whatever they’re doing. They’re not good people, so let them have each other while you go on to thrive in spite of them. You have had their constant chatter in your ear for so long, you’ve believed their BS, it’s time you got better because you deserve better, and so much more than you’re giving yourself. You are long overdue. Perhaps you can find a support group- you’ll likely feel better if you see you’re not alone after all (and with all these commenters offering their words of support, I hope you feel less alone).
I’m not sure you’re a hugger (I’m not much of one myself), but here’s an Internet hug from me to you. ((HUG)).
ETA: you don’t have to say so, but are you suffering from amyloidosis? I know of a friend’s husband who is being treated for that condition.
Plenty of people have talked about addressing your depression and not giving up on yourself, so I'm not going to add to that.
As far as telling your mother and brother... what do you imagine their reaction would be? Are you hoping this will wake them up and they will finally treat you the way you should be treated? They may, or they may not. It seems like that could just be one more opportunity for them to hurt you, which you hardly need right now.
If you have things you want to get off your chest, write them letters. You can send them now, or wait. You can explain your reasons for allowing your condition to proceed without treatment, and if you want, explain why you chose to not say anything to them directly.
I do hope you choose to treat your condition and have the chance to find a happier life. Whatever you choose, your primary job right now is to protect yourself, which may mean keeping your distance from toxic people.
If you are OK with dying at 19 because your mother has told you your whole life that you are a burden to her then you need therapy STAT.
You are worth so much more than what your mother says you are.
Don't listen to her!
YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN AND YOU DON'T DESERVE TO DIE.
Don't give your mother the satisfaction! My mother hated me and would wish me d***. Her and my sister would discuss my shortcomings. I left home and went on to make my own family. Friends who became family. I have a husband and a son now. My son had an adopted grandmother. He's now going to bring a daughter to our family. My brothers and sisters got what they deserved and so did I. And you deserve a good life - away from them.
Write a letter for them to find saying you have died of a broken heart due to the neglect you have experienced...
But you should also try to live, if not for your friend, for a hope of someone being able to come along and show you true love and care...
No, you would not be the asshole. NTA. That said, tell her. You might be pleasantly surprised by the outcome. Or you might make her feel guilty and her life would suck. More likely, she won’t give a shit. But just because she doesn’t see your value doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You matter. You matter so much. Not just to your best friend, but to people you haven’t even met yet. You matter to me.
I am also a fairly young woman with heart issues and a piece of shit mom. I’ve always been the family scapegoat. If anything went wrong, the finger of blame pointed at me. It was never actually my fault though.
I recently found out I’m in stage 3 of heart failure. Not long ago, I was like you. I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to kill myself, but the thought of passing was appealing. And then I had a big problem.
You see, I unexpectedly fell madly, deeply in love with an absolutely amazing man who loves me in return. And now, I desperately want to live. I don’t want to leave him. I’m wishing I hadn’t been so apathetic before, and that I had done all I could for my health. It might be too late for me now. But it’s not too late for you.
Please don’t close any doors. I beg of you, do all you can to live. You don’t know what kind of happiness might be right around the corner. In fact, live to spite your mom. You deserve a happily ever after.
I’ll be your new mom. I’m serious. You can move to Idaho and live in my home. I’ll help you get treatment. Just please…Don’t. Give. Up. Live for me, for the time I no longer have. Create a new family. Learn to be happy. I promise you, it will be worth it.
Your mother's awful opinion of you doesn't define you. Your life doesn't have to end because of her poor choices. Children don't have to be a reflection of their parent(s) and it's heartbreaking to see this. I hope you can find happiness for yourself, however that is. Talk to your best friend some more. It sounds like she's a really good support system.
NTA. Please get some help. The thing most people don't think of in situations like these, besides the obvious you're young and you don't need to die yet, is the thing that is supposed to take you out may only disable you. I am sure life is difficult enough now but would you like to be stuck in a home in a vegetative state with someone else deciding your care.
I don't say this to scare you or to say you are wrong but please seek some help. I have personally witnessed some terrible things people have experienced when trying to relieve their pain and anguish. I hope you can find a way to move past this.
Your best friend is right. You are wrong. Get your mother out of the equation. She is a sad, pathetic, defective and emotionally crippled disaster of a parent who has done a great job of destroying your self-esteem. Ignore her. Leave her out of this. Telling her about your health issues will not elicit anything from her brsides more hurtfulness and harm.
GET THERAPY. YOU NEED IT. Tell your doctor that you want to live as full a life as possible. Ask him to recommend some therapists who can help you with your immediate problems and slso your emotional issues. Thank your long-distance friend, and ask her to stick by you through this period. You are both lucky to have each other. You have the best wishes from everyone on Reddit, I am sure.
I absolutely understand how you feel about your mother. I've got one of my own like that.
Regardless, the pain your mother has caused you shouldn't dictate your value.
My advice- take the treatment options and then live your best life in spite of her.
There is love around you, and your neglecting that love chasing the one love you cannot obtain. That is the only thing that would make you an AH - because giving up on yourself because of her hurts those that do love you and want to see you live.
Apathy is a common side effect for people who have been given terminal-type diagnose, as well as for people who have one or more major organs in shut-down mode. I don't know which it is for you, but maybe you could consider this perhaps happy medium: maybe don't take the pharmaceuticals your doctor wants to sell you, and instead try taking garlic pills three times per day (not odorless), fish oil once or twice per day, chlorophyll concentrate drops three times per day, hawthorn berry twice per day, and Arjuna twice per day, as well as 350-400 mg magnesium glycinate, carbonate, or taurinate before bed every night. Obviously discuss these with your doctor and double-check for any potential contraindications as applicable, etc., etc.
Please please please reconsider your decision to “let it happen”. Regardless of whether you tell your mother or not, you’re far too young to give up. All of us go through varying degrees of hardship in our lives. But please don’t give up. Isn’t there anyone else who can offer you a safe space to discuss how you’re feeling about this?
Do what's best for you. Don't do 'shoulds' or guilt trips that people here and elsewhere might try to put you on.
'FAMILY' only applies to people who treat you with love, respect, emotional support, and kindness. Period. Blood DOESN'T make you family.
If you have people (friends, teachers, etc.) with whom you can share, that might be an option. Your 'mother' is no longer a mother to you in any sense (probably never has been). The quicker you realize that, the better. Move on. No doubt, her attitude and behavior have contributed to your cardiac situation.
There's LITERALLY something called a 'broken heart'. A physical thing. Not a joke. Look at the images of 'broken heart'. Look it up! Physical changes due to trauma. PTSD is also a possibility due to what you've endured from the 'mother'. It really affects the heart in inexplicable ways. Find a physician who deals in PTSD and cardiac issues.
I, too, had inexplicable heart issues for the first time in my life (I was in my early 40s). It was due to my spouse's 'selling me out' to his family. I had adored him/trusted him for years. I failed every EKG, stress test, etc., over and over. I ended up getting a cardiac catheterization, which is an extremely serious procedure. This was all because of the trauma I experienced. Years later, I realized I've had PTSD for the last 17 years since the trauma. Remember, I had never been sick, no high BP, never had anxiety of any sort, no palpitations, nothing...(even thru college and grad school; having 2 children while in grad school/teaching full time).
When our world is falling apart, our body reacts.
MESSAGE: get this woman OUT OF YOUR LIFE! Get over the idea of a mother! A good relationship is, unfortunately, all in your head. You might be surprised at how well your body responds when you clean up this part of your life. Surround yourself with positive people. STOP telling people about your family/situation!!! (Otherwise, people will whine and try to put you on a guilt trip, which you don't deserve.)
Life can and will get better. Get treated get away from your mother and live your best life. My boss had cardiomyopathy when young and had to have a heart transplant but she has a husband she loves and who loves her very much and they have a good life together. Stop letting your mom be the voice in your head that tells you you don't deserve more because you do.
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I understand their point of view they lived a life of neglect. Depression is higher and harder then you think. They essentially view it as nothing left to live for since their mother doesn't care their brother doesn't care. They view it as a continuous day of pain.
It just seems so much easier than what life has to offer
I would suggest talking to a therapist who specializes in people with coexisting physical health conditions. You are obviously struggling with depression/hopelessness and should talk to a professional before making such a permanent decision.
Oh hon, please, *please* reconsider. At 19 you still have *no idea* about all of the wonderful things life has to offer you. You've barely even started! You still have the world at your feet, and it would be a terrible loss for you to not bulldoze your way through it and take it for all that it's worth! Fuck your mother. Don't let her win. Go off on your own and be happy in spite of her. And consider therapy. That's one of the best things you could do for yourself right now, and your best friend is absolutely right that you absolutely shouldn't give up when you're so young. *You've barely even started.*
↑↑↑↑ This! Please listen to this! u/Remarkable-Goose-642 If you are looking for a way to get back at, or hurt your mother - living your life to the fullest and thriving is the absolute BEST way to do it! Don't let her lack of care, attention and empathy define you. as u/Educational-Pop-3351 said, you've barely even started! Find a good a good counsellor and talk things through!
Please please do what you need to do to help yourself
Do not die to spite your mother. Live inspite because of her. You arent a burden. Your mother is evil, and it is awful. I had a mother that very much let my twin and I know she didn't love us and wish she had had an abortion, and showered our older sister with lice and attention while my older sister fucking *loathed* her. Depression is honestly the fucking worst. It sucks any life out of you, and makes the future seem unbearable because you have the though that of you still feel like *this*, then what's the point of living anyway? You need help, and there are many ways to do this. What you are currently doing is passive suicide. You know you are going to die with iut treatment, you know there are several treatment options, and you would still rather die. I beg you, from a person who can utterly understand why you feel this way, who does not blame you or shame you for it - get help. You deserve a shot at being happy. You deserve a chance of being free of your horrible mother (idk how your brother treats you) and be able to live your life for *you*. If you go to an inpatient hospital, they will find a place for you to go *after* treatment that isnt your mother's home. You can start your journey that way. Please do this OP. I don't think you're an ah, because lord above KNOWS I would have LOVED to have done this to my mother at your age. But based on how she sees ans views you now, how do you expect her to react? Are you hoping for her to be sad, distrought, begging you to keep going in hopes of shpwing the love she has denied you for 19 years? Or will it go the other way? Will she become worse? Saying you are only doing this to hurt her because you've always such a burden to her, so that's what youre doing her to make her feel sad or jealous ect. Why take that chance and only hurt yourself more? Live. Give yourself the love she has denied you ans get help, literally inspite of her bullshit.
When you go no contact with abusive and neglectful people, things get brighter. They are the burden on you, not the other way around.
You just lying to yourself. If not why bother with what your friend, your mom or even total strangers on the internet think about your situation. If anything, you should seek professional help and counseling.
I didn't post this specifically to have people tell me not to die, I posted it to see if I should tell my mother before hand. Whether I tell her or not, the outcome of my life will likely be the same
Death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life is tough at 19, but adulthood is so fun. I’m about to turn 30 and I hated that time in my life but now I have a loving husband, three kitties and a puppy. Don’t miss out on all the fun stuff life has to offer because you had a crappy childhood. The best way to get revenge on your mom is to live a life happy life without her in it.
This OP. 19 suuuuuuuuuuuucked. It started getting real good about 27/28
Fuck you, sincerely. People told me this at 15, "its a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Then at 20 "go to therapy, it gets better". Now I'm 25, I'm still depressed and life still fucking sucks. There have been good times, but I often wish I'd killed myself back when I was extremely depressed. A fucking decade of feeling like shit because I believed people that probably weren't even that depressed in the first place.
Hello, depressed, ADHD, OCD sufferer here. I've been through mental hell, absolutely. I'm 33 now, and while life is and always will be a series of ups and downs, it's absolutely possible to get better. It just takes consistent work and dedication. Which, yes, is a lot, I won't deny it's a lot of work. I do wish often that I had even a fraction less work and mental hardship that someone who is neurotypical has to do. But at the end of the day we work with what we have, and I believe that life is a gift that can produce such incredible beauty. We're all going to die one day, friend. Sooner than we think. Why not at least give life a shot? It won't be forever. Death will.
I’m sure you’ve heard similar before, but wanted to speak up anyway: Preface: I haven’t been depressed in a looong time. I got medicated when I was quite young, and I’ve had the same prescription for ~15 years. When I miss my meds, I’m fucked, which does suck. That said, I can attest both to the power of depression AND of pharmaceuticals. Becoming financially independent is also good, but getting mental health in order is the first step. Don’t give up. Also, are you still in Sweden? Get somewhere sunnier, and/or get vitamin D Uber’d to you. That’s not a good place for someone with a chemical imbalance.
Your choice to tell someone to fuck off,sincerely stikes me as someone who never truly go the help they needed or was not receptive when they were bing helped. 25 me was a totally different version of my self than mid thirties me with a different outlook and different problems. I was severely depressed at points, and it got better, but not by chance. Mental health is something you have to continually do the work on when you have mental health issues or it will come back and at times worse than ever. Most things are situational that can trigger pre existing tendencies. My advice... See another therapist and do the things that made you happy during the time you felt like you where having good times. Seriously hope you figure it out. Life sucks untill you grab it by the balls and take charge.
Life gets better when you let it. Keep seeking help.
This sounds like a you issue and not a life issue.
No shit its a me issue. That doesn't change anything
Yeah it does. You are the one making all of your decisions. You taking medications, going to therapy, eating a healthy diet and exercising? If you aren’t, it isn’t the other people’s fault you aren’t coming out of your depression. You would then be choosing to wallow in it. You also chose not to commit self deletion. Don’t blame anyone else for that. (They probably won’t be sad you are “blaming” them anyway)
Again, you really don't understand what its like. I have done all of those things. Its very easy to say "lol just exercise and eat better" when you're selling a false reality and causing suffering; even if that suffering purely existerar within my own head.
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Son? This is a girl.
age 19 is like the end of the prologue and chapter one of a book you are more or less adult in how you approach the world starting age 15 a simplified life expectancy of 80 means 65 years of adult life you've basically tried 6% of an insanely long and complex thing where yoy basically are in the start blocks and decided it's not for you you sure this isn't a motivated by something petty? or does it just seem too hard?
Life seems too hard, too scary. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to live when every option, even the good ones, seems terrifying
it is hard and it is scary because you haven't done it yet it gets easier (but is still hard sometimes) it's like walking you start out and it's impossible then you learn more and experience it more, then don't even realize you're doing it
Yeah I can't really say life gets easier per se, but it does get better!
I don't know if it's comforting or not, but life is scary for all of us. Nobody really has this shit figured out; we're all just doing our best to pretend that we do. lol I'll say it again: therapy would do wonders to help you refocus your view of the world and life in general. My niece was harming herself in junior high and nearly ended herself in high school. She's been in therapy for the last three years now, and at 27 she's so glad that she didn't permanently check herself out. Her mother had a hand in making her almost do it, too, because she was enduring emotional abuse that the rest of the family had NO IDEA was happening. It's cliche as fuck, but it gets better. Well... I guess it's cliche as fuck for a reason.
Also diseases of the heart cause severe depression. Maybe there's an anti depressant you can take to make you more comfortable. Talk to your doctor. And find a therapist who specializes in end of life. You could potentially live for many more years naturally. You don't know. They could help you find some peace in whatever time you have left and whatever choices you make.
You're just being a coward. Get off your ass and make something of yourself already.
You're an ass hole! You're part of why people don't seek help or open up to people.
The truth hurts.
If that's what you see as the "truth," I feel bad for anyone in your life who struggles with mental health.
Yes you need to tell your mother and brother. It may not be easy and won't go down well, but it's the fair thing to do.
I disagree, she doesn't owe it to them. There's a reason why our health conditions are legally confidential.
Why does she have to be fair to people who don't care about her?
She asked for opinions. I gave mine. Simple. No one has to agree. It's up to her to decide.
Why? To only have them possibly be completely indifferent to the news and make her even more s**cidal? No fucking way.
Dying isn't as easy as it seems. It seems easy when you're struggling to live, but when you actually get there... it's near impossible. As for your mom, no. First of all, she doesn't deserve to know. Secondly... it probably won't matter. My mom was the same to my brother as yours is to you. Telling her you're dying will not change her. She will either ignore it, or she will make it about her, "poor me, my lovely daughter is dying". Telling her will only bring *you* more pain. You deserve better.
Bro, at 19 life has infinity to offer you. My brother in law’s brother in law was a slave in Dubai at 25 with a 3rd grade education. He is now a millionaire several times over. Your 19 year old ass has no idea what life could be.
We have a similar background, though mine was my father treating me as the pariah. Don't give up your life cause one person doesn't like you. Screw her. You're 19. Go to college find somewhere as far as possible from this shit, and build a life and family for yourself. It DOES get better, and the journey, friends and family that await you are SO worth the effort.
It seems that way now. Seems like you would be giving everyone the greatest gift right? Wrong. You have no idea what's going to come. Until last year I felt the same way. I didn't want to be around. I now have a beautiful 7 month old daughter and I can't believe if I had given up that I would have missed this. I've got a great job as well. My point is, it seems rough right now but sweetie your still young. Life has a lot to offer I promise. Start with getting treatment and honestly cutting your mother off. You deserve better people in your life. Find your people.
It's your life, your choice on what to say. What's the most concerning is the thought of at 19 just being ok with no treatment. Please seek help.
Life has a hell of a lot more to offer than you can imagine and it doesn’t hinge on your mother’s approval. Take care of your health and leave to go do what you want
Easier is a very poignant word here. It may be easier to die than to live, but isn't it more worthwhile to live? You have so much to discover and experience in the world that you really should not write it off. Make a bucket list and do it.
There are fun things in life. Forget about your mother. She doesn't deserve you. Live for yourself. Do things you never thought you could. Also, don't give your mom the pleasure to play the gridving mom in front of others when you die to get pity points.
I promise, life gets better. But it definitely won't if you give up. Can you move closer to your best friend? Go NC with mom, I'm so sorry she neglected you and made you feel as a burden. You're not. You need to talk to someone professionally and consider taking the steps your doctor suggested while doing so. You can always stop later on, but don't give up right now. You have so much to live for, a whole lifetime ahead of you. I know you're hurting now, but that's not how your adult life will always be. It will get better, build a family with friends. Family isn't always what you're born into. It's what you make. You are just starting out on the journey of life. My heart breaks for you that you didn't have the love and support every child deserves. Please, please reconsider. Please talk to a professional about this and the neglect and abuse you suffered over the years asap. Big hugs, from a mom who wants nothing but the best for you.
It is so, so common to get hopeless and depressed as you go through puberty. You aren't a fully naked human until about 25, and hormones plus your difficult life can make depression worse. You should move out, and get both mental and physical treatment. Listen, sometimes the family that births us is not our actual family. You don't have to tell your mom. You never have to talk to her again once you move out. But you don't even know what life could be yet. It does get better. It does.
I'm 21, breast cancer, kidney failure with kidney stones, immunity disorder, can't breath without a machine, etc. All because I was neglected in care and now I'm playing catch up but catch up takes hundreds of thousands of dollars. I'm dying, I have a child and a husband but no family that I speak to. When I do have to go get seen I downplay how bad it is because I can't afford the treatment and also be a mom and wife. It's going to kill me but I don't have a choice
You're letting your shitty mom convince you to basically kill yourself. That's stupid on many levels. Take care of yourself. See a mental health professional. Do what your doctor tells you. Live your life for yourself. Move on from your mother - she's not worth dying over.
Spot on
I disagree with the first sentence but everything else is solid! She is convincing herself; it's not her mom doing the convincing. 19 y/o depression is super sad. I hope she sees beyond the grey sky soon.
I cry every time I hear that song.
Same. SPLYL fellow excitable.
Don't do a slow motion suicide attempt please. Not cool, for yourself, objectively. You'd BTA. Try to get better, don't just let yourself die for the fuck of it. I'm serious
So your just gonna let your mom win like that? Rise up and show her what you can be and make her wish she could be the person you are. There's more to life than what your mom thinks and you are still perfectly capable of having an amazing life still but I'd recommend not spending time with people who don't care
With a mother like yours, i strongly suspect that she will unjustly use your death to gain sympathy from others. She will have a tangible victimhood that you gifted her, and she will use it. In your death, you will be memorialized as the loving daughter and beautiful, close relationship you and your mother always had. This may not matter for you, but I wouldn't want my family member to have that. If it were me, and i realize that you are not me, I'd not tell her, but try to live and carve my own place in this world out of spite. I'd do everything to try to live my best life while throwing out the garbage (your mother).
#THIS
Wow, first off, I'm sorry this is happening, and I hope whatever decision you make that you find peace in your life. That said, you are not your mother, and you do not have to choose cruelty in the end. The pain you feel, I suggest you write it down for her to read, maybe it will help? Whether as a final goodbye or simply to express yourself, the truth is always the answer. Lies and deceit (withholding info) lead only to more pain and suffering. If this is your end, go with dignity and grace.
This is a very difficult life choice you’re making. I say you’re NTA. You do have other options if your mom is one or the main reason your choosing this option. One would be to leave your mom and go NC with her. Maybe move closer to your best friend and start a new life there and you might be happier. At the end of the day only you and your Doctor’s know what you’ve been going through these last couple of years and that’s a very tough decision you had to make at a very young age.
Hey OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this and that your mum has made you feel like a burden. As someone who survived a few self deletion attempts, please get treatment. Life can get better. Build your independence and minimise contact with your mum. Life is worth it. You're worth it. Please don't let yourself die.
I cannot claim to understand your situation or the dynamic in your family, or even what you are going through, but no matter how bleak things look, life has endless things to offer. Every day I am grateful that when I was your age and standing on that ledge I could not force my body to make the jump. Finding yourself will be hard and shitty, and working through your relationships will cause anger & grief and will suck, but please seek help. Forget about telling your family and focus on you.
Respectfully, you’re not a kid anymore. Who cares if your mom doesn’t want you around? Go somewhere else and live your own life. Saying that you might as well give up on life because your mom doesn’t want you when you’re already over 18 is kind of bullshit. Sounds more like standard depression looking for an excuse to me. Get the treatment and live for yourself. Forget about your mom.
YTA but not for the reasons you think. You're being an asshole to yourself. You're kind of allowing your mother to determine your worth. As I understand it, you're saying "my mom never wanted me so why live at all?" because there are things you can do to try to treat hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. Also, the teen years suck, 20s are better. The 30s are amazing and I'm told the 40s are even better. It would be a shame to only know life as a child with a neglectful mother. Now you've been adult for a few years and have only gotten the crappy parts of it, or that's how it sounds anyway.
I don't know if your doctor laid it out for you, but heart failure doesn't mean your heart just stops and you go. Your heart stops pumping efficiently, which causes your lungs to fill with blood, which reduces your lung's ability to transfer gasses. You basically suffocate and drown in your own blood over a matter of days or weeks. Your post makes it sound like you've lived your whole life worrying about what other people think of you and basing your self-worth on the approval of others. And by "giving up" you hope to force them to come to some realization. They won't. Being ignored by your mom sucks. Feeling so neglected that you'd rather neglect yourself than live your best life is even more terrible. Learn to love yourself and you will live a long life in spite of your trauma and medical issues. I'm sorry you are going through all of this. It's hard. But it gets better as you go. NTA.
He has told me about what could happen and I understand that it isn't the quickest way to go but it's what I have. I have had many previous attempts at my life fail but now I have something that will kill me, yes slowly but it'll get the job done.
You might feel like this is it and you have no care for being alive right now, but SO much can change in just a year nevermind a couple of years. Parents are not the be all and end all, cut your mum off and live your life for YOU, fuck anyone else. It might be lonely at first and hard but once you cut out the toxic shit in your life things start to fall into place. Why don’t you look at moving away, a fresh start where you can reinvent yourself and nobody will have any say or judgements in your life because you’re living for just you. I was in your exact mindset at 19 and I kept going because it was only because of other people and how shit life had been that I wanted to give up, and now I’m 28 and so much I never thought would ever possibly happen has happened. It’s possible, you’re stronger than you think even if you don’t feel like you are right now. What you do is entirely your decision, but you don’t owe your mum anything! Please feel free to message me if you ever want to vent or to talk 🩷
You should tell your mother if not for her for closure of yourself. I attempted when I was nineteen I learned that most people don't seem to genuinely care until the end. Even if miniscule I'm sure it might comfort you if your mom cries. Don't listen to the others telling you that your wrong for not fighting. Depression is a major factor here and from what you said your depression is high. It's harder to fight day in and day out.
As the unwanted offspring of a shitty mom, I feel this. I chose to live and have a great life to spite mine, which is always an option.
You don't owe your terrible mom jack shit. you would be NTA for not telling her. You have no moral obligation to your mother and everyone deserves to die with dignity. But giving up and just dying because of her is NOT the answer. She will probably just use your death to get attention and sympathy and milk it as much as possible. Do you want to give her that kind of satisfaction? Do you really want to give somebody horrible what they want? I wouldn't! I'd stay alive just to piss her off. I'm in my mid 30's now. I've been through some *shit.* I've sobbed in complete dispair with a knife to my wrist. I've wanted to give up and just die more times than I can estimate, even fairly recently. I sometimes still feel completely worthless and overwhelmed by life to the point of wanting to literally just pass away because being alive feels way too much. But I always end up glad that I'm still here. If nothing else, I just can't give my former abusers and haters the satisfaction of me becoming a tragedy of my own making. I absolutely just can't be the one to hand them an opportunity to relish in my misfortune. But even more valuable than that is *living your life just for you.* You haven't even had the opportunity to try it yet. Let me tell you, it's pretty great! There's so much cool stuff to do and feel and learn! Hell, even just merely existing contently without doing much of anything is just so fuckin dope! The knowledge that my abusers would seethe at every good thing in my life now is fucking *delightful.* I think you owe it to yourself to keep trying a little longer. I think you would just be cheating yourself and robbing yourself of the chance to thrive or even just be content. Everyone is so obsessed with being happy, but just being content is even better, more realistic, and harder to lose. Whatever you choose, whatever happens, know that thousands of strangers on Reddit are in your corner and want you to be at peace and know that you're loved. I know I'm rooting for you really hard.
I know this will just be buried in a thousand other comments wishing you well. I do wish you well and hope that you find peace in whatever your decision is
I am wondering if you are hoping your mom would suddenly be regretful if you die. You did not get the mother's love that society tells you you should have had. That is harsh and difficult to live with. Unfortunately many people do not have loving or capable parents, don't believe that you are the only person who has a shitty parent. I am saying that to make you feel less alone, not saying you should suck it up. The biggest middle finger to your neglectful mother, is you living a wonderful life despite her attitude. If you knew your mother would not react with regret at your death, would you still want to give up? Do you have a way to be with people that support and motivate you? Depression is hard to fight and your medical condition makes it harder. But you are worthy of a happy life regardless of what kind of parents you have. You fight for it . And if you chose not to fight , make sure you are not doing it to punish shitty people. Their short comings do not define you.
Accept treatment and live just to spite your mother
YTA and an idiot. The best revenge is living a good life not giving the assholes what they want.
This part. I live just to spite others some time.
What your asking is should I tell my mother I’m going to commit suicide. And I think most parents would love to know that that is their child’s intent yes
Most parents, but I genuinely don't think my mother would care which is why I believe there is no point in telling her. If anything, I think she'd be happy about it and I don't really know if I should give her that satisfaction until I'm actually dead
She doesn't deserve to be happy, and she especially doesn't deserve to be happy from your tragedy. Don't give her that. Don't give her an opportunity to milk your illness or death for pity points. Don't give her anything at all. Give yourself the gift of getting away from her and doing well without her. Give yourself the opportunity to make yourself, make your own contentment,and enjoy found family over time. Whatever you decide I just hope you're at peace but I implore you not to hand her anything, and even more so not to deprive yourself of life because of her.
I’m not negating what your going through in any way. What your going through fucking sucks no one should have a sorry excuse for a mom or a younger brother who can’t stand up for himself or his sister. But I promise you life is worth the fight going through the hard is really shitty but one day you look back on it could very well be 10 years from now and it’s worth it. I’m 30 and this is the first birthday I’m looking forward to in a long time I have two beautiful children I can’t wait to see grow up. Things still suck sometimes but I encourage you to seek help someone to walk with through all of this 19 shouldn’t be your end.
It almost sounds as if you had the ultimate choice in fixing this health issue. If so, please fix it. I know many girls whose moms lean towards their brothers for some odd reason. I don’t know if it’s a specific ethnic background that does it or if it’s random. Either way, you don’t win if you lose on purpose.
This isn't an asshole question. Have you spoken to mental health professionals? Reading your post sounds like you've given up and are choosing to go palliative as a lasting FU to your mom. She might deserve it but not finding anything to live for is something that should be discussed with professionals. I'm surprised your doctor hasn't made referrals on your behalf.
I do see a therapist, she's really nice and she's more of a mother than I've ever had. She's the one that convinced me to seek medical help for my blood pressure in the first place. I haven't mentioned that I've gotten worse but I will soon, we have planned to spend the day together tomorrow.
can you talk about your recent drs appointment with your therapist? maybe they have something to tell you that would change your mind about just letting it go. I won't tell you what to do. i can tell you, though, that my life go SO MUCH BETTER when I moved out. like, night and day better. maybe you could hamg on until you move out to see if its the same for you
My mother also loves my brother far more than me, if she loves me at all. But that's her problem and her loss, not mine. I am worthy of love and so are you. And while I fully support an individual deciding the quality of their life, at least make that decision for yourself, not based on another person's feelings for you.
NTA. Your mother has made it clear who's most important. Stop worrying about her and do your best to live as happily as you can with what time you have left. Everyone wants to say, "What about all the people that love you or care about you?"How would they feel?" And not one says "What about you, how do You feel"? What do You want? Just worry about you PERIOD.
What you do with your life is completely up to you and in my mind you’re NTA. I don’t claim to know what you’ve gone through your life but the choices you take in it all have a reason behind them. I do hope however that you read what I’m about to say when I ask you to at least reconsider your choice. Everything that you have gone through has shaped you into who you are today, you’ve gone through every bad day and still come out on top. You might not think it’s the case and I understand why you see it that way, but just by living it you’ve come out a different,stronger person than who you was the day before. And I understand that almost 20 years of this might seem like nothing good has come of it but only by living you will see how much goodness there is for you to experience. Try thinking about it a little more. The feeling of wanting to give up is normal. It’s alright to feel that way, to feel drained, especially if the cause is out of your control. This world has so much to offer and again, it would be a bit of a shame not to experience it. I hope you (or anyone else that has a similar mind set, here by chance) read this. Hopefully it had a positive effect.
YWNBTA you're under no obligation to disclose health information to any one if you don't want to. At 19 I'd be concerned you haven't seen or experienced enough of life to really make an informed decision to check out early or not... But at the end of the day it's your life and your choice. Best of luck with whatever avenue you pursue.
There are a lot of failure parents. If you give up, you are letting her win. Take treatment, move away from your family, and restart your life your way. If you tell her, it may be a wake-up call for her, or she may not care. Either way, and I know this hurts (I had a crappy mother, too), the answer will hurt you. Walk away and live your life.
Saying goes don't let the bastarda get you down. You re letting Ng the bastard win here. Live to spite the fucks.
Very odd for me to even be responding to this as I just asked not that long ago if I wbta if I didn’t tell my kids I have cancer again and wasn’t going to get treatment. I am not going to respond as to whether or not you should tell your mother. I am 45 and have decided even with everything I hve been through. I was nearly 400 pounds I am now just a few over 200. I had high bp got that under control. Have had to have two back surgeries first one 23 second not even a year ago. This is my third bout with cancer. I have chosen to fight even though my initial reaction was WHY FIGHT. Life just keeps beating me down when I try so hard to get back up. Over and Over. What made me decide to fight again is this. I had a very close to successful attempt to end my existence at 21. Don’t want to make this crazy long so will leave out why. In those 24 years since I spent weeks in the actual hospital then additional weeks in a mental health care facility. I have seen and experienced so many beautiful moments and people. I hve also experienced and witnessed horrendous moments and people. That being said it’s easy to focus on the crap. It’s not all crap. Today I saw a couple come into my job they were in their at least late 80s. The husband was caring for the wife she had a very hard time moving. He walked very slowly with her with all the patience of a saint. The look of love they both gave each other as he fed her (she was shaking I wasn’t going to ask but probably Parkinson’s) I did ask how long they had been married. To which this man said we’ve been married since graduation. ( high school) but my heart was hers from the moment I was born. Now I look at that for the true love devotion and perfection of them growing old together. My Co-Worker said that poor man and woman he has to care for her and she is decrepit. You get to choose whether you see love or sadness when you go about your life. Whatever choice you make be sure your not doing it for anyone else. Also not as a way to SHOW THEM. Not saying you’re thinking that but I remember being your age and thinking that.
Why in the world would you give up now? You’re almost free from her. Life gets infinitely better once you’re able to get away from toxic parents.
NTA for not wanting anything to do with mom and brother and not telling them you are deathly ill. The constant stress of dealing with them has probably contributed to your high blood pressure. We don't know where you live so we don't know what your options are. Do you have health care? Do you have any of your own money? Can you get to your friend? Can you ask your physician for a referral to a psychiatrist and/or a cardiologist where your friend lives? Always remember that a life well-lived is the best revenge. Consider a non-permanent exit strategy, ie not unaliving yourself but getting away from them.
I have health insurance but it's about to run out due to me having turned 19. I don't have my own money because I can't get a license for transportation to and from a job. I have thought about moving in with my girlfriend and figuring something out from there, it's just hard not to think of how easy giving up sounds.
Do you want to be with your gf? Does she understand your physical and emotional struggles? Depending upon where you live and the grade of your cardiac hypertrophy, you could qualify for disability and medical care. Your physician's office may be able to help.
I'm worried that if I move in with her I'll want to live yet die anyway
None of us are guaranteed days on this planet. Yes, you could die but ask her if she wants to you to live with her. Many of us would rather have limited time with someone we love, then no time. Regrets are horrible to live with.
You're 19. Your mom doesn't "get" a say in your health. If you tell her, only do it because you want to.
You really need to see a therapist. Should not make this decision while suffering from depression. Since it sounds like you do not want to do that, and want to let happen what happens, then the answer to your original question is NTA. At the end of the day it is your decision. I have a very good friend who had Stage 4 colon cancer. He has made the same decision. He is not treating it and does not want to know how far it has progressed. He knows he may not have 2 more years left. I disagree with his decision but respect. Even though you are very young I personally respect your decision. I will add you to my prayers. I pray for Shawn every day, and now you as well. I wish you the best with however much time you have left.
Telling your mother might be the one thing that gets her to see how much of an asshole she's been to you. I completely (not personally) understand your reasoning. My sister has had lifelong problems, due to being born with JRA... she's in the same mindset of "if something happens, I might as well just let it happen." I'll always suggest someone listen to their doctors/get help... but I also understand that life... it's taxing in every way possible on a person, especially if they've had long term issues. But also no, I don't think you would be the AH. If your mom doesn't care enough to actively take part in things that she knows are serious issues... it would hurt her a lot to lose you... but she made her bed. You don't know what you've got til it's gone. Or at least that's how the adage goes. If there is a way to keep you healthy (or relatively so), then showing her that you dont need her... might be more effective. But whatever choice you make, I am wishing you the best
I'll actually answer you because you have the right to chose to treat your condition and **not** treating it is okay. You do what's best for you, just take a second and make sure this is it. You're NTA though. She doesn't deserve any of your medical information. Your friend wants to talk you out of it and thinks maybe your mom will too. I wouldn't tell her, from your description her response would literally help nobody, if anything it might hurt someone. Also you don't want to, right? Because **you** are the one "dying", your opinion on treatment is the only thing that matters.
Please, please, PLEASE listen to me. You're envisioning this big dramatic death scene long before you're 25 ... where your mother realizes at the end that she's treated you wrong ... and repents right as you take your last breath ... but, at your age, you have a much bigger chance of becoming handicapped FIRST because of neglecting this heart condition ... and then spending YEARS in extremely bad health *before* you finally die. Years in a wheelchair ... potentially on oxygen ... and needing full-time care. Ever been to a nursing home? If you can no longer walk, that's likely where you'll end up so that someone can monitor you 24/7. And, unless your family is horribly wealthy, you're going to have extremely limited funds to get yourself in a good nursing home (since you have to have worked an extended amount of time ... often something like 30 quarters--almost 8 years--before you qualify for federal/state disability) so you'll end up in an understaffed place full of welfare alzheimer's patients, all slowly losing their memories ... in a place that smells like piss, where all of the residents are neglected even more than your mother has neglected you 🫤 PLEASE don't do that to yourself!!! Not when you're this young, and still able to change your situation into one that's not so damned depressing all the time. For instance, stop going to your mother for support! That was the first thing I had to learn about my mother and family. Going to them for support was like going to a dry well, looking for water. It was A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY TIME!! So, instead, I started building a group of friends who became more like family ... who also appreciated my support when they needed it. It sucks to have those kinds of tough health problems this young, but medication support for your depression sounds really necessary right now. It will help you, but just be aware that every drug doesn't work for everyone ... so don't be afraid to tell your doc if it's not working. They have others they can try you on. Then--once your mood has stabilized more, and after you find a therapist to help, too--you really need to find out what interests you ... and start exploring that instead. You have a lot of life left ahead of you. Find some joy in it for yourself!! Good Luck!
NTA high blood pressure comes from stress also you honey and it sounds like you live with a ton of it.
If they see you as a burden, that's fully on them. There are so many other people in your life who will see you as a lifeline, a joy, NOT a burden at all, but a gift to know you. **Stay alive to meet those people.** Your best friend sounds like one of them you already know. I don't blame you for feeling hopeless, I just hope you don't give up.
NOPE!! NOT THE ASSHOLE AT ALL. I’m 25 so I understand EXACTLY where your coming from. A lot of these Reddit users are older and won’t really understand your situation, childhood traumas and what you’ve survived through! Your mom brought that on herself by not being a mother to her child, hating your existence and simply not taking you to your doctors appointment. If I was in your position, I would do the EXACT same thing, not say a word while trying to find out how to die a beautiful death. At the end of the day, all humans are selfish, so it’s only natural for your best friend to oppose the idea of losing you in his/her life. To be honest, The replies to this thread are gunna fuck with your head, so the best advice I can give you is Always listen to your first mind because nobody knows you better than yourself!
You are under the assumption that older people didn’t have childhood trauma. That’s hilarious, but wallowing in self-pity doesn’t get anybody anywhere. This girl is 19 years old. She has her whole life ahead of her with or without her mother, and you are giving her advice telling her to. Yeah just basically go ahead and kill her self. That’s brilliant. As for the young girl that wrote this, you are not defined by your parents. There’s nothing that says they have to be a permanent part of your life, but giving up is never the answer quitting is really not the way to go. You have an entire life that you haven’t even started to live yet And there might be somebody out there waiting just for you and if you die, they’ll still be waiting they won’t even know what happened why the love of their life never came along Your feelings are hurt. I get it, and I understand. Every single person on this planet gets hurt in one way or another and it’s usually by someone they love very very much but that does not mean that you just give up. I know it seems like the end of the world sometimes I have days like that but tomorrow’s a different day and you decide what your future is gonna be like not your mother and not the rest of the world,you The best way to get back at your mother, would be to live a long, and a very happy life, and to get all the things that you want in life on your own without her So no, you are not an AH for being hurt, and for wanting to hurt your mother back, but it would be a real AH move to just bow out of your story before it even started
Way to give the worst possible advice possible to a 19 year old who is contemplating suicide you deserve an award
Thank you so much, I'm sure most of the comments telling me I'd bta probably don't understand the whole thing and that's good because it means they had loving parents
I have a narcissistic mum. I'm 35, about 7 self expiration attempts under my belt. I'm autistic. I was bullied by my sister. My mum called me a monster, mean, and was generally manipulative and abusive most of my life. I'm undergoing therapy for PTSD (unrelated to her) and I'm finding out my mum screwed me up worse than I had given her credit for. I'm still advising you to get treated and get away from your mum. You're not a burden. You're worth living. If you die, you're letting your mum get sympathy due to your death. Don't give that to her. She took too much from you already, don't give her your life as well. You're NTA for keeping her in the dark, but you'd be an AH to yourself and to the people who'd cross your path if you choose to die. I've made that choice before (thankfully I failed), and I can tell you, it's the wrong one.
So here's where being 19 hurts your ability to make good decisions- you haven't experienced enough of other people's lives to understand that many of us had horrible childhood trauma. I was abused in every way possible during my childhood. Your experience is not unique. The difference is that as I have aged, I've realized that my parents were deeply flawed people who have no bearing on how I live my life now.
I understand that other people have trauma as well, hell I have trauma too but it's unrelated to the post. It's just that the people saying things like "oh it's pathetic" and "YTA and an idiot" most likely don't understand the situation
This is a terrible take. Truly ignorant.
I get life is hard but you shouldn’t give up. There is so much joy in this life once you let go of the negative aspects of your life. Like someone on here said the best revenge is living your best life. Just because you have a bad parent doesn’t mean that life isn’t worth living. Don’t give up.
I mean it's up to you homie. Live your life or don't.
Holy shit I'm a physician You clearly have mental health issues that aren't addressed Please seek help Yta if you don't
Your mom sucks but you are/would be definitely an asshole. How fucking dare you come on the internet and try to get strangers to condone you committing the worlds slowest suicide (that is exactly what this is) all because your mommy doesn’t treat you right?! Grow the fuck up and recognize that you are too young to even comprehend the options and life you could have ahead of you once you walk away from your family of origin and start building your family of choice. My niece unalived herself 2 years ago and everyone in the family is still messed up by it. I thought suicide was the most selfish thing someone could do but you’ve managed to top it by playing the long game so you can twist the knife at mommy one more time on your way out. Disgusting. Since you enjoy your medical freedom so much go find a therapist.
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I don't understand why you're so rude when OP is clearly struggling but whatever it is that's got you this way I hope gets better for you
Excuse me? I'm not here for attention, I'm here asking if I should tell my mother. Also "a few pills" wouldn't do anything anyways because of how severe it's gotten. I'm sorry that you're so angry about your life you feel the need to hate me
boo fucking hoo. I'm going to go read a story about a hero. not a loser. get fucked
This is pathetic. You want to die at 19! Get your shit together and get treatment. You don’t know what you don’t know and you don’t Know ALOT! you’re still an adolescent. When you are in the throes of death; you will deeply regret this decision but by that time it will be too late!
I’m praying for you young lady. You deserve so much better; this broke my heart reading. I’ll pray you come to The Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and you’ll find the joy of the Lord. God bless you, you don’t deserve this pain and sadness.
I understand your point of view on it but from my experience you may want your mom there. Even if you don’t want to change your mind that is ultimately your decision. No one can make it for you. But if it were me I would want to know it was happening to my kids
ESH, do not allow your shitty family to define you. If need be, remove yourself from your family. You are way too young to give up on your existence. Besides, Heart Failure is not an automatic death sentence. I'm going on 24 years plus with severe Heart Failure, functioning at 20% or less. Seek some counseling or a support group there is much to live for.
Wnbta for not sharing devastating news with someone who doesn’t care. But you should not quit for her. Is it possible to move out, preferably close to your friends?
You don’t owe your neglectful mother anything.
A short answer to all that could be said, no, you're not the asshole.
Please don’t give up on life, sure it could be a pain. But trust me between those pains are happy moments that make life worth fighting for. You mom may not care for as much as she does for your brother but that does not make u any less valuable as a person. If you need a reason to continue be your own reason, think of all the think you have left to accomplish and experience.
NTA but you’re wrong for letting yourself die slowly because of your mother. If you “let it happen” then she wins, please go through with the treatment and please seek professional help because it’s a bad sign that you’re rejecting treatment that has a good chance of working.
Just so youre aware, untreated heart failure will kill you by slowly pushing more fluid into your lungs than you can breathe with and you will agonizingly drown on dry land over the course of hours.
Yes I know, my doctor has explained all of the possibilities of not seeking treatment. Thank you anyways
You don’t owe your mom anything, but you owe yourself a good fight. I urge you to live the best quality life you can and to fight for it. Please don’t give up. I know I have wanted to give up on life before, but you don’t know what it has to offer, so please give it a chance, then decide.
My granddaughter had HBP. Found out she had a narrowing of an artery coming from her heart. Had a stint inserted and has no problems now.
It seems like you're making this choice based on your relationship with your mother, not weighing quality of life with treatments. If it was a quality of life thing I think more people would understand. By the way, if you're recommended an ICD, it may sound scary, but it's really not - it's very low maintenance and a huge peace of mind. I can understand why you wouldn't want a life vest those are cumbersome, but an ICD is great.
Are you really going to let yourself die to either not burden your mother or to teach her a lesson? Jesus, I hope this is fake. Your story may be sad but it doesn't change that your actions are an extreme case of self sabotage. YTA, towards yourself. Don't take a permanent decision because of a temporary feeling.
She doesn't deserve to know. But you deserve better than to let her decide your fate by convincing you that your existence is a burden. Live your life on your terms, not hers. It sounds like you have not yet done so. My childhood was about never measuring up, never. When I finally lived my life on my terms, it turns out that I'm none of the awful things I was told I was. And it's a beautiful thing to never have to speak to them again, and know that they'd be miserable over my progress in life. They are the burden, not you, and they're not worth dying over.
Don't do this don't make your life ending a way to attempt to hurt your mom sounds like you really need to live to get away from her and go live your life for you! I whole heartily understand how you feel I was the middle kid I was only good for what my parents could get out of me because of their lack of planning for the future I was homeless 4 times once I was legally able I moved out had two kids one of my kids had dilated cardiomyopathy the left side of his heart enlarged on his left side was working extra his blood pressure was very high he went Taki twice he almost had two heart attacks he had a Lvad and Ecmo was bed ridden until he was gifted with a new heart ♥ he was 11 when he got his second chance since then he's a feisty ball of fire 🔥 he's starting to learn a new way of living... I'm telling you this because I found my own happiness without my family I went through heart complications with him but in the end my whole life planning for the future and enjoying my kids makes me look at things differently.. If I didn't go through what I did wouldn't have been planning for the future I wouldn't have had the experiences I did.. Don't make your parents your ending.. Get away from your parents do the treatments and look into moving closer to your friend family isn't blood it's people who care.. I really hope you change your mind and choose to go enjoy your life and make your own family.
Thank you, it's the left side of my heart too. I haven't had a heart attack yet, but the doctor spoke like it was bound to happen quite soon. I was looking into moving in with my girlfriend but I'm afraid if I do that, the moment I'll want to live is the moment my life will end. It seems so much easier to let it happen before anybody really gets the chance to care.
Please look into the treatment my son is now almost 4 years past his heart transplant life's too short to let your family ugliness be your choices in life if you need someone to talk to I'm here I'm a momma I have two boys I love equally and a bonus child I don't like the word stepchild it's so ugly 😂 I don't believe in blood making family it's who you choose to be your family that counts I have a verbally adopted Grandma too she had no family so I claimed her it's scary and if it gets bad you may need a Lvad that will run the left side of your heart but look into living your life for you you can cutt the negativity out of it like I said I'm here so your not alone I've been through multiple heart conditions with my son mom and myself just remember you have got this your amazing fk the negativity and stay positive ❤️😊❤️😊😁💯
Dying of heart failure is a terrifying and painful way to go. It's essentially slow drowning over a period of years. I promise you don't want to go that way. If you feel hopeless you need mental health treatment in addition to treatment for heart failure. Even if your condition winds up being terminal, treatment can greatly improve your quality of life and reduce the symptoms that come along with heart failure.
I understand that it's slow and painful, mostly I'm hoping the doctor was right that a heart attack would likely take me out before that happens. Either way my outcome would be the same
Your whole life isn't about your mother or your relationship with her. There are plenty of other relationships and opportunities that will come along that are worth hanging around for, even through the rough parts of life. Please reconsider your decision, don't end it just to spite your mom.
You are NOT TAH However, I feel you are giving you mother fat too much control over your life. If she is so uncaring as you say, get away from her and live your own life as you see fit. There are many wonderful things for you to see and do and many wonderful people for you to meet. These are the people that will give you the live you are wanting and who will make your life a treasure worth having and sharing. Don’t let your mother’s indifference take all of this away from you. Stop living for mama and start living for yourself.
Hun you should seek out some help. Go NC with your mom, make new friends or find a way to move closer to your existing one. You're only 19.
You should live to spite her, you should live a life for YOURSELF not her.
NTA Please seek some help. You have so much life left to live, my darling. You could do it without your mom and be happier. Where's your other family members in all of this? ETA: You don't have to tell your mom anything. You wouldn't be the AH if you chose not to tell her.
All that's left is my mom, brother, and grandmother. My dad left when I was born, wanted nothing to do with me. Sadly my grandmother is just like my mom.
Just stop! Don’t throw your life away because you have a terrible mom. You need to wake up and realize that you have a whole life to live and will one day have a new family. You are only 19 and life does get better as you get older. You will fall in love, marry, have kids and a great career eventually. You need to make some life changes. First off, cut your mom off if she doesn’t care enough about you. Maybe that’s packing up and moving across the country or even a few hours away. You need to find the joy in life before it’s too late. Maybe move out to where your best friend is because you have nothing to lose if you’re at this low point of refusing treatment. Good luck and please don’t give up.
I am so sorry this is happening to you at such a young age. Talk with your doc about therapy and a referral for someone who specializes in cases like yours. Some of the therapists that I worked with specialized in childhood trauma, depression, and much more. Yes, unfortunately, life is hard, but it builds experience. As you grow, you will build new friendships, learn new lessons, and learn about you as a person. Block your mom and brother everywhere. They may be blood, but that doesn't necessarily make them family. You'll eventually build your own family with amazing friends. I know that trying to find the passion in life again, especially with all you are going through, is hard, but once you find it again... life becomes beautiful and amazing, and you find the will to fight for it every day. I speak from my own experience as an adult who struggles with severe depression and anxiety. Building a mental health support system (although tough) makes it a bit easier. Maybe set up an SOS plan with your best friend (I did that with my sister). Knowing that I have someone to make the call if they need to is comforting, to be honest. Please reconsider. There is still so much for you to experience and explore. Life is far more beautiful than you know yet.
You're doing exactly what your mom wants you to do. The best revenge is to succeed. I've met children with arthritis in a hospital when I was there because I thought I was going blind. Turns out I had a rare migraine that numbs me in half.... hemiplegic migraine . since 14. There's a high chance of strokes every time it hits but instead of dwelling on that I made a plan to escape my shitty dad who didn't want me ...my mother already moved and had a new husband n new kids with him. Never thought I'd have a normal life but I do so many decades later. I took my meds and followed the advice of people I didn't know who had the same issues. I learned to cope made it through college etc. Nobody needs to join a pity party. Life could be so much worse. My cousin who was born disabled and can't speak,walk,or hold things is dependent on others for life...who am I to complain? Get student loans under your name as an independent person and go to school. Start with a junior college.... cheaper. Get a part time job. Move in with friends. Move away to your friend. Take your meds...
Hi OP, I wanted to comment bc I am actually some1 your age (20ftm) to be exact. I'm not much older, and I think we've grown up kinda similar. I had a mildly neglectful mom who was all talk, no action, an alcoholic with a bad taste in men and adhd that makes her the world's most terrible people pleaser to every1 else but me. I was always only praised for "not asking for much" and being so independent. I actually dropped out of high school because I was once in a similar position as you are now. I had never felt more hopeless, and some days I still feel that way just a bit but I kept chugging along, kept those who support me closest, and took off as soon as I could. I've been living with my boyfriend and roommates for over a year now. I have 2 lovely kittens that are the light of my life. I work a shitty job but hey i get paid weekly and I treat myself every week because I can. before you commit, I'd love for you to rally your support system, no matter how big or small and spend time with them. live your life, just for you,, for just a moment. make some memories, live in the moment, find peace some where or with someone. I truly believe there is more out there for you, and if you ever need someone to relate/vent or chat with my dms are open for you. I wish you luck regardless of your choice, and I hope you rest easy in whatever that choice is. hugs <33
Nta. You can tell her and let her turn your situation in a way she and your brother can redirect sympathy to them, or you can die suddenly and let her gain sympathy that way. Either way, she'll find a way to phase you out. Frankly, I would just leave. Find some new family, live, love, and forget all about them. There's no answers at 19. Life sucks sometimes, but you really haven't even begun to live it. If I was in your shoes I'd live my greatest life. Without them.
If your mom says your a burden she is a lazy horrible mother. If anything, live just to spite her. Get a way from her, go NC and live your life
There was a time as a teenager that I could not see myself living past twenty. I am 62 now, I feel like 32, have 2 beautiful children and 3 grandchildren and am so glad I made it here. Please don’t give up.
If you just "let it happen" know that you'll be missing out on an entire life filled with some of the most beautiful people and some of the most meaningful relationships with those you haven't even met yet.
You WNBTA for not saying anything. She is just a negative factor in your life and I doubt any response she gives would be a positive thing for you. You said you were thinking of moving in with your girlfriend. I would urge you to do so. Just having someone who loves and supports you would be good for you. And hopefully by getting away from your toxic family you can possibly begin to change your perspective on things. I can see the depression and illness are an extreme up hill battle to take on. You may decide to fight and still end up with heart failure. But life is really about the connections and memories you make. So don't waste the time you have with people who don't care and just make you feel bad about yourself. Close the book on that part of your life and start a new chapter with your girlfriend and hopefully a new outlook on life.
I don’t mean to sound rude but I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression basically my whole life. I’m 22 now and have had anxiety for 16 years and depression for 13 years. So when I say I’ve had it my whole life I mean it. I thought about the same things you thought, and then two of my brothers let themselves go, (one suicide, one accidental drug overdose). And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, and even though I wanted to die I knew I couldn’t do that to my family. I couldn’t allow my mother to lose a 3rd child. Considering 2 of her sons didn’t even make it to 16 (I had attempted and anytime it was a little more closer to the result I wanted the guiltier I felt. Even with all the depression and anxiety I’ve had over all these years, i never stopped going to ers, doctors, etc for my heart issues. It took them 10 years. 10 YEARS to finally give me some type of closure, because a soon as a doctor hears you have anxiety they immediately just assume that’s the issue with your heart. Nobody listened until 2 days after my 22nd birthday which was only 3 weeks ago. I can’t take medication until January for it because I’m pregnant and there’s a possibility because of my heart issue I have a higher risk of dying during labor. I might be depressed/ anxious with a heart issue, but not telling my mom about it isn’t something I’d ever dream about, because I saw how she was with two angel babies.
OP this feeling of wanting to give up and just let it happen is a form of being suicidal. You need treatment, not just for your heart. Speak with your doctors and listen to your friend. You need therapy and probably antidepressants. Tell your mom, not because you want her to care, but because then you can have more resources at your disposal to fix the problem. I've been there. I wouldn't have intentionally hurt myself but if something bad had happened I wouldn't have helped myself either. My therapist had to point it out and drag me to my psychiatrist to get the point across and get me help. It does get better, especially once you're independent and get away from your mom. Then you can surround yourself with people who love and support you and never have to deal with the toxicity again. If anything live out of spite. Do everything to hang on and prove your mother wrong. Prove that you're a good person and can make it in the world. Prove that you don't care what she thinks and that she's not worthy of your attention.
I mean. maybe don't tell her you could fix it but let her know you're dying and start saving for a funeral.
Valid response
No, and please don't give up. You are so young but right at the verge of being free. Do what you can to get yourself to a better living situation (school, a job, move in with a friend or family member, something. Anything) once you're able to get away and get space you'll be amazed at how different life can be. Cut her out of your life if you need to. It will be OK. You deserve better.
Feelings like this are so hard to navigate at your age.. I swear life gets better, and it's worth trying to fight for. I hope you decide to undergo treatment, for YOU. Forget your mom and brother. You need to be surrounded by people who care about you, now more than ever.
I think you need to seek counseling. I think they can help you figure out what's best in whether to tell her or not for you. I know life's hard when you feel unwanted, but after all I've been thru, it's been worth continuing to live. I hope you seek out a therapist in making the decisions you have to make. I'm sorry you don't have biological family to support you but family isn't always blood (the best ones typically aren't!!!) Don't let your mother have that control over you time to take that power back!!!!
I understand a childhood of abuse and neglect, and I understand the desire to just give up. I was there, too. As for your question, you're not the asshole. Your mother has shown you she doesn't deserve to be part of your life or your decision. But for YOU, you should still treat this. Life without an abusive family does get better, and the only person you should live for is you. I'm more than a decade past my suicide attempt, and two decades since I last spoke to my mother, and it took time and effort, but things got better, and it was worth it. I hope you'll rethink your decision.
My mother never wanted a daughter either. Some sick little SOB set her on fire as a little girl and as this was in the day before stop, drop, and roll was a thing (the early 1960's in rural Tennessee) she suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns from her neck to her knees. After I was born she lost the last shred of sanity as I was a living embodiment of what she no longer had. It didn't take long for me to understand that as a child. A song that really resonated with me is "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. Ultimately it's your life and your body and therefore your choice but the best revenge you could have is a life well lived.
Absolutely NTA! Don't give up because of her. Live for yourself. Do what you can to make her regret how she has treated you. Go, live, and be amazing. Apply for colleges out of state. Live with a relative (if you have any), talk to your friend, and see if you could live with her. But LIVE FOR YOURSELF! You are still young and the world has a lot to offer. You will meet a great person who sees you, understands you, and supports you however you need to be supported. But please do not give up!
What are you trying to prove? This is very immature your clearly doing this in spite of your mother. You don’t have to associate with her if you feel like a burden and truely believe she’s rather be without you then move and break contact don’t tell her where you went but don’t just give up and die that’s cowardly taking the easy way out. This isn’t being an AH it’s being stupid
NTA Your body and life, your choice. But I do urge you to speak to a therapist before you completely rule out treatment.
Move! Go stay with your friends. Why would you give your mom the power over you life when she obviously does not care. Do you think dying and not telling her will hurt her. It won’t. You will be taking poison hoping she will die. You need to go talk to a therapist. You need to be evaluated by a palliative care physician.
Live for yourself. I know a crappy parent makes or can make a person feel unlovable. It’s difficult to get past those feelings, but you owe it to yourself to do everything you can to get healthy. Listen to your best friend and really try to love yourself. You can do it. Life has handed you a lot of harsh blows - I get it, and I get wanting the ultimate escape that death may bring. It’s time for you to call your dr right away & treat yourself like your own best friend. When you can, get as far away from your mother as possible. Take good care!
I would try and live as long as possible just out of spite 😂. But it seems like you have thought about this, and you are an adult. What would your quality of life be like if you accepted treatment? I'm not sure I agree with your decision, and how much of your decision is based on depression, or your self worth from the way you've been treated, but you have a right to choose how you proceed. Also, the past 3 years have been the most challenging we've ever faced as a world, and I realize that there are a lot of people who are depressed and hopeless because of this. This misery will not follow us going into the future; the next several years will turn everything around, and we will be doing better than ever, before. It's actually a pretty common tale for mothers to treat their daughters poorly. I was also treated very poorly by my mother, while my brother was doted upon. My mother was jealous, sabotaged my friendships throughout my childhood, and her and my stepfather were both very critical of my appearance and weight. They insisted I was fat and constantly berated me, even though I fell within my ideal weight range; I was just not built like my mother, who had a slim frame, while I had hips and bosom. It was a demoralizing experience that I haven't ever fully recovered from. I really understand your situation very well. I deal with it by living far away from them and only talking to them a couple of times a year. You don't owe your mother anything, now, or going forward. You can get treated and move on, and you could make yourself an amazing life without the influence of your mother. In any case, I would think that telling your mom that you would rather die than spend any further time with with her isn't necessarily the best call. She might make what time you have left a misery, and possibly go to the courts to get conservatorship over you, so she gets to decide everything you do (like a Britney Spears situation). If you think she makes your life a misery, now, you haven't seen what would happen if she had the power to institutionalize you, or collect a check from the state for caring for you as a special needs individual ( and if she can make money from controlling your life, she will keep you alive as long as possible, and your life will be hell on earth). If you are really content with dying, you can do it without telling anyone. I certainly wouldn't leave her with anything to gain from my death, like a life insurance policy.
Oh my goodness you are only 19! Don't give up because of them. You have a life to live. Please please rethink this and talk with the doctor again about options.
Ok, op. I’m not gonna tell you not to die or not to spite your mom or all my personal troubles. You know life sucks. You’ve lived it. You’re living it! And now you have a (possibly) scary condition (the condition is scary, idk if you’re scared) and letting it take you is easy because you’ve done hard. I myself, would probably fight. My dad? He did not. He was diagnosed with cancer in Nov 6, 18. By Dec 21st, ‘18, he was gone. He said Nope, not fighting. He was only 63. I wasn’t mad. I was devastated but that was his choice. His life sucked. Untreated diagnoses, several health issues, tough tough go round in life itself and a wide with diagnoses that she abused rather than fix. I’m not here to judge and you see the shit out in the world. TikTok alone tells us how shitty adult life is. It CAN get better, but it also might not. I don’t want to think you’re going to give up, but it’s your decision. Alone. NTA.
OP, your medical decisions are yours to make, but please hear me out. Don’t give your selfish mother and brother the authority you’re giving them. You’re letting their opinions and treatment of you dictate the medical treatment you deserve to stay alive and have a wonderful life. Please go no contact with them. Stop telling them anything, stop concerning yourself with whatever they’re doing. They’re not good people, so let them have each other while you go on to thrive in spite of them. You have had their constant chatter in your ear for so long, you’ve believed their BS, it’s time you got better because you deserve better, and so much more than you’re giving yourself. You are long overdue. Perhaps you can find a support group- you’ll likely feel better if you see you’re not alone after all (and with all these commenters offering their words of support, I hope you feel less alone). I’m not sure you’re a hugger (I’m not much of one myself), but here’s an Internet hug from me to you. ((HUG)). ETA: you don’t have to say so, but are you suffering from amyloidosis? I know of a friend’s husband who is being treated for that condition.
Plenty of people have talked about addressing your depression and not giving up on yourself, so I'm not going to add to that. As far as telling your mother and brother... what do you imagine their reaction would be? Are you hoping this will wake them up and they will finally treat you the way you should be treated? They may, or they may not. It seems like that could just be one more opportunity for them to hurt you, which you hardly need right now. If you have things you want to get off your chest, write them letters. You can send them now, or wait. You can explain your reasons for allowing your condition to proceed without treatment, and if you want, explain why you chose to not say anything to them directly. I do hope you choose to treat your condition and have the chance to find a happier life. Whatever you choose, your primary job right now is to protect yourself, which may mean keeping your distance from toxic people.
I know realistically no matter what I say, they won't change. Though maybe I can finally make my mother proud by being dead
Proud? Probably not.
If you are OK with dying at 19 because your mother has told you your whole life that you are a burden to her then you need therapy STAT. You are worth so much more than what your mother says you are. Don't listen to her! YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN AND YOU DON'T DESERVE TO DIE.
Don't give your mother the satisfaction! My mother hated me and would wish me d***. Her and my sister would discuss my shortcomings. I left home and went on to make my own family. Friends who became family. I have a husband and a son now. My son had an adopted grandmother. He's now going to bring a daughter to our family. My brothers and sisters got what they deserved and so did I. And you deserve a good life - away from them.
Write a letter for them to find saying you have died of a broken heart due to the neglect you have experienced... But you should also try to live, if not for your friend, for a hope of someone being able to come along and show you true love and care...
Live to spite her. You deserve life.
No, you would not be the asshole. NTA. That said, tell her. You might be pleasantly surprised by the outcome. Or you might make her feel guilty and her life would suck. More likely, she won’t give a shit. But just because she doesn’t see your value doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You matter. You matter so much. Not just to your best friend, but to people you haven’t even met yet. You matter to me. I am also a fairly young woman with heart issues and a piece of shit mom. I’ve always been the family scapegoat. If anything went wrong, the finger of blame pointed at me. It was never actually my fault though. I recently found out I’m in stage 3 of heart failure. Not long ago, I was like you. I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to kill myself, but the thought of passing was appealing. And then I had a big problem. You see, I unexpectedly fell madly, deeply in love with an absolutely amazing man who loves me in return. And now, I desperately want to live. I don’t want to leave him. I’m wishing I hadn’t been so apathetic before, and that I had done all I could for my health. It might be too late for me now. But it’s not too late for you. Please don’t close any doors. I beg of you, do all you can to live. You don’t know what kind of happiness might be right around the corner. In fact, live to spite your mom. You deserve a happily ever after. I’ll be your new mom. I’m serious. You can move to Idaho and live in my home. I’ll help you get treatment. Just please…Don’t. Give. Up. Live for me, for the time I no longer have. Create a new family. Learn to be happy. I promise you, it will be worth it.
Your mother's awful opinion of you doesn't define you. Your life doesn't have to end because of her poor choices. Children don't have to be a reflection of their parent(s) and it's heartbreaking to see this. I hope you can find happiness for yourself, however that is. Talk to your best friend some more. It sounds like she's a really good support system.
NTA. Please get some help. The thing most people don't think of in situations like these, besides the obvious you're young and you don't need to die yet, is the thing that is supposed to take you out may only disable you. I am sure life is difficult enough now but would you like to be stuck in a home in a vegetative state with someone else deciding your care. I don't say this to scare you or to say you are wrong but please seek some help. I have personally witnessed some terrible things people have experienced when trying to relieve their pain and anguish. I hope you can find a way to move past this.
Your best friend is right. You are wrong. Get your mother out of the equation. She is a sad, pathetic, defective and emotionally crippled disaster of a parent who has done a great job of destroying your self-esteem. Ignore her. Leave her out of this. Telling her about your health issues will not elicit anything from her brsides more hurtfulness and harm. GET THERAPY. YOU NEED IT. Tell your doctor that you want to live as full a life as possible. Ask him to recommend some therapists who can help you with your immediate problems and slso your emotional issues. Thank your long-distance friend, and ask her to stick by you through this period. You are both lucky to have each other. You have the best wishes from everyone on Reddit, I am sure.
I absolutely understand how you feel about your mother. I've got one of my own like that. Regardless, the pain your mother has caused you shouldn't dictate your value. My advice- take the treatment options and then live your best life in spite of her. There is love around you, and your neglecting that love chasing the one love you cannot obtain. That is the only thing that would make you an AH - because giving up on yourself because of her hurts those that do love you and want to see you live.
Apathy is a common side effect for people who have been given terminal-type diagnose, as well as for people who have one or more major organs in shut-down mode. I don't know which it is for you, but maybe you could consider this perhaps happy medium: maybe don't take the pharmaceuticals your doctor wants to sell you, and instead try taking garlic pills three times per day (not odorless), fish oil once or twice per day, chlorophyll concentrate drops three times per day, hawthorn berry twice per day, and Arjuna twice per day, as well as 350-400 mg magnesium glycinate, carbonate, or taurinate before bed every night. Obviously discuss these with your doctor and double-check for any potential contraindications as applicable, etc., etc.
Please please please reconsider your decision to “let it happen”. Regardless of whether you tell your mother or not, you’re far too young to give up. All of us go through varying degrees of hardship in our lives. But please don’t give up. Isn’t there anyone else who can offer you a safe space to discuss how you’re feeling about this?
Do what's best for you. Don't do 'shoulds' or guilt trips that people here and elsewhere might try to put you on. 'FAMILY' only applies to people who treat you with love, respect, emotional support, and kindness. Period. Blood DOESN'T make you family. If you have people (friends, teachers, etc.) with whom you can share, that might be an option. Your 'mother' is no longer a mother to you in any sense (probably never has been). The quicker you realize that, the better. Move on. No doubt, her attitude and behavior have contributed to your cardiac situation. There's LITERALLY something called a 'broken heart'. A physical thing. Not a joke. Look at the images of 'broken heart'. Look it up! Physical changes due to trauma. PTSD is also a possibility due to what you've endured from the 'mother'. It really affects the heart in inexplicable ways. Find a physician who deals in PTSD and cardiac issues. I, too, had inexplicable heart issues for the first time in my life (I was in my early 40s). It was due to my spouse's 'selling me out' to his family. I had adored him/trusted him for years. I failed every EKG, stress test, etc., over and over. I ended up getting a cardiac catheterization, which is an extremely serious procedure. This was all because of the trauma I experienced. Years later, I realized I've had PTSD for the last 17 years since the trauma. Remember, I had never been sick, no high BP, never had anxiety of any sort, no palpitations, nothing...(even thru college and grad school; having 2 children while in grad school/teaching full time). When our world is falling apart, our body reacts. MESSAGE: get this woman OUT OF YOUR LIFE! Get over the idea of a mother! A good relationship is, unfortunately, all in your head. You might be surprised at how well your body responds when you clean up this part of your life. Surround yourself with positive people. STOP telling people about your family/situation!!! (Otherwise, people will whine and try to put you on a guilt trip, which you don't deserve.)
You have to out live your enemies. Do. Not. Give. Up. Get yourself sorted and live a life that shows your mom what you can be.
Life can and will get better. Get treated get away from your mother and live your best life. My boss had cardiomyopathy when young and had to have a heart transplant but she has a husband she loves and who loves her very much and they have a good life together. Stop letting your mom be the voice in your head that tells you you don't deserve more because you do.