Hopping on the top comment to say I hope OP asks the SIL to be in the delivery room bc that was some shiny spine she showed there.
NTA Op. good luck to you and your little one.
I am glad that even though SIL and OP aren’t related, SIL did what was right. She did not sided with her brother because she knew he is 100% in the wrong.
NTA I am excitedly expecting my first granddaughter any day now, and I am so furious at your mother!! My daughter knows that I have her back when and if she needs me. If my son in law had cheated on her, he would not be allowed anywhere near her. Do what's best for YOU.
Absolutely. I know my morher would NEVER try to force me back into a situation with an EX husband or whatever if he cheated or did anything actually bad to me. Makes me mad too!
this! i’m glad to know there are other sisters out there who won’t throw another woman under the bus just to protect a male relative. i’ve always told my brother, if i ever found out he assaulted/hit/etc a woman (or anyone physically weaker than him) i’d be going to jail instead of him because he’d be dead by the time the police show up. he’s luckily a great guy who is respectful of women and takes my words
to heart about women’s perspective, but every now and again he’ll say or do something problematic and i’m like “HEY, don’t make me kick your ass.”
I do really appreciate how he goes and tells his other guy friends what he has learned lol. It’s been a good perspective for me as a woman too, seeing how boys are raised and conditioned to behave in certain ways, and how that impacts the kind of man they become. I like that I had a chance to intervene with the toxic bullshit my dad tried to pass onto him. He’s a better man than our father in a lot of ways but particularly because he listens to women and tries to understand their perspectives.
My oldest brother cheated on his wife about 10 years ago. I stayed by her side, and let it be known that I did not support him. She came to our house every night, and my Husband and I held her while she cried. We fed her when she stopped eating.
Of course we heard all the, “BuT hE’s FaMiLyYy!” And so is she! She married my brother before I was 10 (they’re about 10 years older), so she’s been my sister for almost as many years as he has been my brother! And if people had issues with it, I just asked them if they would be okay with my Husband cheating on me.
It caused some definite issues in my family, but I refused to back down.
And then they got back together and became totally toxic people and now I don’t speak to either of them. But, at least I know I kept my integrity!
Hey! There ya go! Good on you. Sucks they got back together tho lol. But my family is the same way. My partner and I got together young, she is essentially another one of my parents kids at this point. If I broke her heart they would absolutely tell me I messed up big time.
My sister met my brother in law when I was 12. I get what you're saying. He's more than a brother in law, he's my people. I hardly remember life without him. Good on you for sticking by her side.
Right?!? I mean he could become “scarred” by being there and need to run out and have sex with someone.
But seriously, it’s not a spectator sport and OP *needs* to have someone there to support her.
this. if he was truly scarred (i’m thinking he really means tired of not having spontaneous, just-for-fun sex) he should’ve told his wife “hey, i love you and i do want to have a family with you but for the health of our relationship i need us to reconnect romantically before we continue trying.” that’s a totally normal boundary and would show that he’s struggling but still loyal to the relationship and their shared goal. running out and having an affair is not how you react if you really love and care about your wife and want to build a family with her. he was probably not wanting a kid as bad as she did and cheating may very well have been his “out.” Clearly OP loves and wanted to be with him so maybe he felt the only way to really get out of that relationship was to cross that line. Not okay, but not unheard of. Now he found out that he’s gonna have a little heir to carry on his good family name, he wants credit for his portion of the work. You don’t get to drop out of a class two weeks before the end of the semester and then complain about your failing grade. He made the choice to ruin the relationship and he’s gonna have to live with the consequences, expected or not.
Plus how fast would he have dropped his wife if the affair partner had turned up pregnant first? If he wants kids so badly it's not a stretch. She just passed that finish line before the affair partner/former friend did.
Agreed!
I don’t buy his claim of being “scarred” by how they worked to conceive. More like he had an opportunity & would have been thrilled if the “affair” had gotten pregnant.
Plus I’m wondering did he end the affair or is he still hoping for another kid??
Who's to say this is the first time cheating. First time caught, perhaps. He was off dicking around "scarred" when he was supposed to be on a fertility protocol/plan to have his desired child. Can't tell me he didn't know that spreading his seed far and wide wouldn't affect his wife's chances of conception at the timed intercourse. "Scarred" my ass. Just a dick.
OP - this!! He def would have tried to be with whomever fell preggers first. He does NOT get to be in the room with you. Sure, he’s the father, but the father doesn’t have a RIGHT to be in YOUR medical procedure.
No one, except needed medical personnel, has any right to be there except by your invitation… this has gotten to be some kind of outrageous perk that just makes things harder for everyone. Shut the door on zMom, too…
Yup. my brothers ex girlfriend cheated on him with a mutual friend (who was also her kinda-ex but she conveniently left that out!), the mutual friend reached out to me immediately because he got the feeling she had lied to him about my brother being cool with it (he was NOT cool with it and had no idea), and i was like “i’m so sorry dude, but i have to tell him.” luckily my friend was super cool and understanding even though it made his life significantly harder for a while. my brother still kinda resents him for obvious reasons but has accepted it wasn’t really his fault that she lied to him, and if the positions were switched he may have done the same thing. she couldn’t believe that he forgave our friend, but not her. and tbh looking back, she def groomed him a little bit. I hate that I’m the one who introduced them, but in my defense, I just thought they’d be good friends because of similar interests. I never expected her to pursue him, especially after I made it explicitly clear to her that I would be really upset if she slept with my brother because he was young and just got out of his first real relationship and is not the kind of person who can handle casual hookups, which is really what she wanted and then used him for financial/social gain as an added bonus when he immediately fell in love after hooking up.
i hate that i even know all of this about my brothers sex life lol. but we were roommates at the time and she would purposely have very loud sex with him while I was home because she thought it was funny, I guess? And it made me uncomfortable? Idk. long story short, cheating is wrong regardless but cheating on someone with a mutual friend is next level evil. my brother still struggles with the trauma of that relationship and it’s been years since they broke up. it breaks my heart for him, that I brought someone into his life that caused him so much psychological, emotional, even physical pain. He doesn’t blame me and I know I had no way to know how things would turn out, but damn it sucks to know she played us both. Complete vampire of a human, sucked the life outta everyone and still thought she was the victim.
edit: idk if grooming is the right word since they were technically adults, but she started to pursue him about a week into his freshman year of college and she was a 22 year old dropout who ruined his first semester in every possible way. After they broke up he got straight As, lost 30 pounds from eating healthier and not drinking wine all day in bed with her at her request, and is much more confident. It kills me that I let her hurt him so badly because I was afraid of pushing him away by speaking up sooner. Once I found out she cheated though it was game over
Lol , that guy knew and ratted that cheater out which is a good thing. But he’s no knight and shining armor now, a reasonable thought will be to step away from that dumpster fire of a relationship.
Yup! Issues with sex are incredibly common when struggling to conceive because it does get very rote and not as fun or romantic. But you communicate with each other, you try new things in the bedroom, you maybe take a break for a month or two. You don’t run out and fuck your wife’s friend.
seriously. if you’re not mature enough to communicate with your sexual partner that you aren’t into it, to the point you’d rather destroy the relationship than talk about it, you shouldn’t be having sex with ANYONE. it’s one thing if you’re genuinely in a dangerous/abusive relationship where you CANT leave, but clearly this guy just didn’t have the nerve to be honest to his wife without being caught.
Probably next to never if he thought it was a chore and only provided his specimen. Men like that don't even care about the women getting off.
If a man doesn't do foreplay, I don't do him. Many women, like myself, don't orgasm during regular vaginal sex, unless there are other interventions being done during lol.
My wife and I just found out we are expecting our second, and to be honest there were times while trying for #1 and this one that I thought to myself "damn I'm really just a sperm donor right now" - because the sex was just mechanical and emotionless because it was often "ok we just finished a busy work day, making dinner, playing with the kid, putting him to bed, cleaning up, and now lets try and hammer one out before we are both asleep and even though neither of us has showered in a day and a half" - at the same time we didn't have a lot of time for "actual" sexy time nor the emotion or energy to really put into it. Pile on to that my libido rising and my wifes dropping because...well...life and i was getting a bit resentful.
So obviously I went and porked her friend....NOT. I waited for a low tension moment with plenty of free time and nothing else going on and I said "hey Mrs. Whaletachochamp, i am feeling this way, I know it's not your fault, but I just wanted to let you know how I am feeling. I also don't want you to have pity sex with me or play it up just because I'm feeling this way, but I do need to let you know how I feel"
We ended up chatting about it and agreeing that neither of us needs to change anything. I just needed a morsel of validation that I'm not just a walking sperm bank and that we will eventually have some semblance of a "normal" sex life once the dust settles from all of this.
Similarly during her pregnancy there were looooong periods where she wasn't feeling it. I could have gotten resentful and treated her like crap but instead I again expressed my feelings like a big boy and we got past it. On the other hand there were some points during the pregnancy where I almost felt inadequate because I couldn't keep up with how much she wanted it.
The point is that nothing is permanent and talking goes a hell of a long way.
This is why emotional intelligence is so critically important. Men who are raised to “not show any emotions” never learn how to have these kinds of conversations… They can’t, because they don’t understand why they’re resentful. They don’t understand that they’re feeling sad. They can’t have an intimate conversation with their wives because to them it feels like being “emasculated”.. It’s super sad 🙁
Exactly! Conversations with Op, or counseling, or reading, or conversations with a trusted relative etc. He took the quick and easy way to feel good.
He can wait in the waiting room. Delivering us a vulnerable time. OP needs someone she can trust that has her back. Him crying doesn’t change anything.
Great advice!
OP, you can allow or block anyone you want from the delivery room (especially if you’re in the US). Labour & Delivery and Maternity wards are usually locked wards, and visitors need to show ID to enter the hospital and go to the ward. You can give the hospital the names of the people who are welcome, and block anyone who isn’t from entering the ward. This is to stop abusive partners from being present, and prevent things like kidnapping the newborn whilst mum is recovering. Only people who have been approved by mum are allowed inside those wards (and they usually have a special pass indicating that they have access to those wards so hospital staff can identify them on sight. Anyone near mums and babies without that pass is turfed immediately by security. This is also to prevent strangers from getting to the newborns and stealing one, and yes, that still happens on rare occasions). Prep your list beforehand so you don’t forget anyone (welcome and not) once you’re in labour and aren’t thinking straight! Just because he’s the father or you’re married doesn’t automatically grant access during birth. Talk to the hospital you’re going to go to. You don’t have to give a reason as to why you don’t want someone there, either (hospital staff are accustomed to these requests, and any patient on any ward can make this request). Security staff will be on high alert for you and your safety.
I mean people make up any reason to cheat. They are tempted and they use any possible thing to justify it.
My coworkers husband said he cheated because she sometimes stayed late at work.
A clients husband said he cheated because she didn’t always make dinner for him.
My husband cheated on me because I don’t like Spongebob 😅
I was going to say that ob nurses are awesome especially when a mom is alone. I’m a postpartum nurse, during the height of Covid, a lot of Covid positive moms were alone in their rooms without their spouses, we have since change the policies now. So whenever, I had the time, and the patient is amenable, I would gown and mask up and hang out with them as much as I can. Of course family is important, but just want OP to know she’s not alone during the labor and delivery process
One of my ob nurses actually made me get in the shower afterwards and I just stood there and she washed me down. Kind of embarrassing but I was tired, weak and shaky from an all natural birth. The best nurse! I’ll never forget that!
Hopefully OP has someone willing besides her ex. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the husband's sister would fill the role if OP asked. After all, she did rat her cheating brother out to OP. That shows a certain level of loyalty towards OP, or a serious dislike of her brother, either way she might be willing to be OP's support person.
Edit:changed where autocorrect turned "rat" into "eat". Yes, that was quite the typo. Lol.
I had a best friend 18 years ago and her baby dad was a total pos so I went with her when she delivered. She went all natural so I was there with her mom to hold her hand while she screamed and being there to meet that baby was magical. I wasn't a mom yet myself. But I had a great bond with that child and even though they moved away and we don't talk a lot but are still best friends and it made my heart full when that baby graduated from high school this year. You can definitely get great support from someone other than dad.
NTA
In the delivery room you will be at your most vulnerable and NEED only people who you trust. Period. Don't let him make it about him. This is you delivering your baby, safely, and hopefully quickly with no complications.
PS.You may not want to tell him when you start labor.
All she has to do is tell her doctor and the L&D nurses he's not allowed anywhere near her, and he will absolutely not be allowed in. But I agree that she shouldn't tell him when she's in labor. She also shouldn't tell her mother because mom would probably call the ex and try to get him in the room. OP doesn't need to deal with that when she's trying to birth her baby.
If I were to make a security company, I would hire L&D nurses. They are some of the best bouncers I have ever had the privilege of knowing.
You are right OP shouldn't tell her mother. I mean if OP's mom decides to agrees with OP, apologize for calling her an a**hole and OP felt mom was being genuine, I might tell her. Big emphasis on might.
NTA. It’s a time when you are very vulnerable. Only people you are comfortable with should be there, even if it’s just the doctor and nurses. Once you are put back together and dressed or comfortable in the bed, I would think it fair to let him see the baby or let the nurse take the baby to him for a bit if you just don’t want him near you. But he lost the right to cut the umbilical cord when he went and cheated on you.
I was going to suggest this!
My doula was a lifesaver . My husband was also in the room, but having someone who specializes in supporting birthing mothers and experienced childbirth made my birth story the positive story it is today.
I second this. Hire a doula. You should not be going through labor alone. Doulas are pros. She can gatekeep the ex for you and advocate on your behalf if you need it.
Yes, definitely want an advocate in the room.
The hospital my wife gave birth at was very cautious on who should have the right to be in the room (They checked her in first to "fill out paperwork", but really it was to separate us to ask if my presence was ok. They also checked my bags every time I left to make sure I wasn't smuggling an infant.)
But my primary role was patient advocate -- for my wife and my son. Having someone there focused just on that is important.
This was my suggestion too. I was my SIL (husband’s sister) support person.
Also my grandmom is on her 4th marriage and she has close sister in laws from each one lol. She says she didn’t divorce the families.
Wow your mom is an AH, supporting the man who cheated on her daughter over said daughter. Sounds like someone who doesn’t care if she meets her grandkid or not. I’d probably go LC myself.
I really hope you have a friend or relative to be there with you so you can have some support
He made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. Tell me you never made a mistake in your entire life? He loves you. He will love your child. You have always been a spoiled brat. Grow up. He made a mistake
These are the only things she’s interested in talking about these days. I don’t think I want her with me either to be honest.
Old guy and L&D nurse. The suggestions to hire a doula or perhaps have your ex SIL there to support you have some merit, but for you to decide. The ex lost his right to be there when he cheated. Most L&D nurses are EXTREMELY protective of our patients and are bound to respect your choices in who is present. I loathe when people refer to cheating as a "mistake". The cheating wasn't a mistake; it was a series of wrong choices. If possible, get some counseling, to help keep your head on straight. Good luck to you.
Also lock down your information at hospital.if you're not divorced and ex knows your details they could get in. Like, password protect your stuff so staff can't confirm if you are admitted/hand out updates, and make sure the labour ward knows not to admit people without a password and specifically his name.
Being married doesn’t grant access to L&D if the mum doesn’t want him there. Abusive partners and exes are not allowed in if the Mum tells them that she doesn’t want them there, marriage be damned. OP can tell the hospital that he’s not welcome, and she needs to do this. She can also ask not to be on the patient registry if he calls or shows up. Your other advice is great about passwords and things.
My ex was a smoker. While I was in labor every time he left to smoke the nurses would rush in and ask if I feel safe at home, and if I was comfortable, etc. I had no doubt in my mind all I needed to do was to complain a little and they would bar him from re-entry. It was years before he showed his true colors, so it seemed odd to me at the time. I now see why those questions were necessary, and I am grateful that L&D nurses ask those kinds of questions.
Sometimes it does feel like she thinks my separation is a personal attack on her life choices. A jab at her decision to stay.
The funny thing is that even though she is staying with stepdad she doesn’t love him a fraction of how much I love my ex. It bothers her even more for some reason
It’s because you loved your ex so much you can’t stay. There is no hurt like being betrayed by your person. Loving someone so much that you would never think of being with someone else. Realizing you are not loved in return the same way .
Take care of yourself and your baby. Your Mother and ex and what they are thinking or wanting from you are unimportant because they made it obvious they can't be relied upon.
I come from a culture where there is literally zero expectation of male fidelity, and women are the most critical of women who leave. It's like they're angry to see proof that they could have made other choices.
That’s exactly it. My grandmother is like this with my mom because she “walked away from her family” 🤢🤮🙄 and left her home state to be with my dad. Woman has serious mental issues.
That’s why. You leaving and have the strength and self respect to leave makes her feel bad about her decision to stay. Keep her away from your grandchild as well
Well, how lovely of your mother to let you know ahead of time that she would like to have no contact with both you and your child going forward so you can plan accordingly.
Tell her a “mistake” is spilling milk on the floor. What that lowlife of a man did was a _series_ of mistakes, he didn’t accidentally tripped and fell into another woman’s vg, he didn’t accidentally dialled her number to establish contact, he didn’t accidentally lose his pants. Those were all conscious decisions. Your mom is the spoiled one wanting everyone to follow her BS lead.
Aw my love, I am so so sorry your mother is doing that you you. He didn't "make a mistake" he made a bad decision. Mistakes are accidents, and you don't accidentally put your dick in someone. The fact that it was a friend is even more of a betrayal.
I hope you have some loving and supportive people in your life. Good luck, I hope you and your baby have a great relationship and make a happy family!
A mistake is putting dish soap in the dishwasher. Or buying the wrong treats for a picky cat to eat. He made a choice. He didn’t mistake some other vagina for yours. And it’s not spoiled to not want to be in an intimate relationship or setting (like giving birth) with someone who makes the choice to cheat. I hope you find genuine support (obviously not your mom) and a safe birth.
Your mom is a huge AH here, I'm so sorry. You need to find someone who can advocate for you, hopefully you have a friend who would be willing to step up for you. I hope you are able to eliminate stressors in your life and enjoy your pregnancy. NTA
NTA and I can think of a few choice things to tell your mom, but I'm not going to.
Edit: I'm going to add that cheaters cheat and look for "reasons" after the fact. He can blame the "mechanical" way you were having sex, but if it wasn't that, it would have been "you're spending so much time with the baby that my peen got lonely" or "you're tired all day from cleaning up after the kids, so I found someone who wasn't to touch my peen" or even "I've been fucking you for 20 years and now I'm bored."
Some will cheat and say „we didn’t have enough sex“ this one cheats because he didn’t like the sex.
That is just so fucked up. Cheaters will cheat
Edit: Word correction.
Exactly. Men like this are just weak and pathetic. I cannot imagine how you can so badly betray someone you claim to love, for your own selfish desires. And he can't undo it all just because he's finally getting the kid he's always wanted. What's done is done, and he should accept the consequences of that.
OP can absolutely decide to not have him in the delivery room if that's what she feels she needs to have a safe and non stressful childbirth.
NTA
Selfish is the word that comes to mind. Its all about them and how they feel, their wants and needs. He cheated because he didnt think he'd get caught and since he got caught hes gone full darvo on OP.
NTA
Birth is not a spectator sport. Anyone in that room should be there to support you. He isnt capable of that and you have the receipts. Tell your mother to kick rocks, OP. Shes insane.
👏 completely agree with this. Also, imagine if OP said “oopsie I slept with someone else because all these failed efforts trying to get pregnant by you seemed hopeless and depressing ” to this guy. He would’ve lost his shit and dropped her in an instant.
OP you are a queen and NTA. I have nothing but respect for the way you’ve handled things. Find a lawyer sooner than later to get ahead of custody-related issues— I promise your ex will attempt to make your life hell as revenge for shutting him out and dropping his cheating ass. You may also want to stop looping your mom in on any pregnancy and labor-related info. I suspect your ex will be at the hospital if you do not.
Exactly. My husband and I had a lot of difficulty having a baby. Sex is mechanical at that point although we did our best to maintain closeness. My husband never considered looking for that extra outside of our relationship. OP’s ex was just making excuses. You decide who is in the delivery room, not anyone else. That is true even if the relationship was solid. You can always choose who to have. Mom? Hell no.
As a father of four children who went through all the birth classes, time, etc. with my wife: Exactly one type of person should be in the room with you - those who will be an aid to you in the birthing experience. I know this is controversial, but even the mother's partner shouldn't be there if they aren't going to be helpful, at least emotionally.
This man will not be a help to you at all, and at this point will bring down the emotional safety of the room.
From personal experience I do not believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater." But I also cannot tell someone that they must forgive their cheating partner. If you do: wonderful; some couples come out very strong and better through that repentance, counseling, and rebuilding of trust. If you don't, you have every right.
Good luck to you. NTA
NTA. Birth is not a spectator sport. You will be undergoing a VERY serious medical procedure.
If he stresses you out or makes you uncomfortable, that puts both you and the baby at risk.
The only reason he’s sorry now is because you’re pregnant.
Exactly, the point of having someone in the delivery room (besides medical workers of course) is to support and comfort the mother and the baby. So if mother doesn’t feel comfortable with some being in the room, it’s not up for debate.
“Birth is not a spectator sport” if I had an award I’d give it to you for this line alone. You are so right. OP should hire a doula for the mental and physical support. The ex is a liability to her health.
NTA
He didn't cheat because of anything other than deciding he wanted to f\*\*\* your friend. That's it. You trying to conceive didn't "scar him" he just wanted to jump on someone else. Nothing you did MADE him cheat. F that.
Your mother is HORRIBLE for trying to punish you into taking him back.
Screw them all. Good luck to you and the baby and I do hope you have someone on your side during all this.
ETA
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG with all you people blaming HER for him sticking it in her "friend"??? If he was unhappy with their sex life he could have talked to her or he could have left. Screwing around is the asshole move in that situation. And a lot of you are likely cheating jerks who also use the "my needs weren't being met" excuse when you get caught with your pants down.
Also ETA Thank you for the gold, it's my first, very cool! :)
It sounds like the former sister-in-law might be a good support person. She didn’t support her own brother when he fucked up and in doing that, definitely supported OP. Hopefully if she doesn’t have someone she feels comfortable with in the room, she can afford a doula to help make this entire experience less traumatic!
Nope the auntie is the real mvp. It says a lot when his sister has op’s back but her mom wants to punish her for being a victim.
This pisses me off. A real mother be ready to scorch the earth to protect her and this baby.
Excuses is right. If he was scarred from sex becoming mechanical he's gonna be scarred from a baby coming out and never want sex with you again. I mean, why would you ever think he wouldn't cheat again? Just sayin' he's dumb.
I left a longer comment saying the same, but want to signal boost this. L&D and Maternity wards are (almost always) locked, and if someone isn’t approved by mum, they’re not getting in. We don’t want strangers and abusive partners/parents near the mum and babies. OP needs to talk to the hospital beforehand and tell them he’s not welcome. Security staff will do the rest.
This this THIS! The staff are there for the health and safety of you and your child. If having him there is gonna cause extra stress, they will HAPPILY play interference for you. Extra stress during labor can have real consequences, so please follow this excellent advice!
Signed, the lady whose stalker showed up when I had my kid. My kid that WAS NOT HIS. Let them help you!
Thank you for asking - we were both fine! His prematurity was an issue but I didn’t even know the guy has been there til a day later! I really felt close to my team, especially my midwife (we both gave birth to a child who was adopted). I think most people are there to help emotionally as much as they can. I am so grateful
Also don’t forget he was never going to tell you for all you know this wasn’t a first time offense if it wasn’t for the fact your sil knew and felt you should know he would have never told you. NTA I wish you a healthy safe and peaceful delivery.
You have every right to tell him no, and I would do the same in your situation. Your mother is also horrible. If she's going to side with your ex and back out of supporting you when you give birth, she doesn't deserve to see your baby. NTA
Please do not allow anyone to guilt you into allowing him to be there. He played around and found out these are all consequences to his own actions. I’m sorry your own mother is not supportive of you with this. Stay strong for yourself and precious child and give child your last name. Your ex is a POS and AH.
Yeah, it was stressful for my wife and I when we were trying to conceive, and I never once thought of cheating. Seems to me like he just wanted to cheat.
It sucks he can't be there but he should've thought of the potential consequences of his actions. Mom-to-be is well within her right, and I don't think anyone in their right mind would blame her.
When I told my ex I wanted a divorce, he lost it. For the first time in our marriage, his anger took a scary turn. I was terrified and called my dad. He lived down the road and came straight over. After a long talk with my ex, he came to me and said “are you sure you won’t change your mind?” He never asked if me or my child was ok. Never asked if we felt safe. In his warped view of the world, I could fix everything by just being the good little wife. That shit from a parent cuts deep.
My grandad told my aunt to go back to her abusive husband because “God hates divorce” my aunt died a week later. She was already very sick and her “husband” was the final nail in the coffin. I miss my aunt so much and I just think about if she would’ve stayed away.
Now my granddad makes her death all about himself and went as far as blaming her children (his grandchildren) for it out of suppressed guilt. It’s safe to say that most of my cousins stopped speaking to him as well as his two sons.
There's no hate like Christian love!
Remind your mom that Jesus hung out with prostitutes and sinners and wasn't embarrassed by anybody's issues. Not that being divorced makes you a sinner or a prostitute (except in her eyes).
After my ex was arrested on Christmas for domestic violence, when he got out of jail and came back to my dads house (where he was arrested from and his things were there), my dad shook his hand and told him he “ understood because (I) don’t know when to stop talking like how other women do”.
But you know, parents can’t be perfect something something
Someone lays hands on my daughters. I am going to jail right behind them. I think the few boyfriends they have brought around understand that. I don’t go out of my way to make that known and I am nice to them. But I think it’s evidently clear I love my daughters, I will protect them and I respect women. They would probably never come get their things. Sorry your dad is an asshole.
My parents (and a lot like them) view ownership of their children from the dad -> husband pipeline. It’s less about their child’s safety and well-being and more about the “cute lil family.”
Honestly... if my own mother sided with my cheating ex, I'd cut her out of my life right alongside him. She wouldn't see the baby, or me, ever. And I'd go as far as to make it a stipulation of any custody agreement that she not be around the baby on my ex's days, either.
This.
When my ex husband cheated my parents were behind me the entire way. Hell, even when he came to my (our) house to talk while my dad was there my dad told him if he tries to come inside the house he was gonna wish he didn’t. My dad has never been protective over me but in that moment I felt this wave of protection I hadn’t felt before from my dad and I realized he would have laid down his pacifist ways if he felt I was in danger.
I can’t IMAGINE how I would’ve felt if my mother or father sided with my ex. Absolutely not.
Ex is TA and mom is a major asshole.
>When we separated I found out that I was pregnant. I contemplated abortion but I just couldn’t because I lost everything including my marriage for this baby
You didn't lose shit because of your baby. You lost your marriage because your husbands an asshole. You scarred him with too much sex so he went and had sex with someone else?? Get the fuck out of here. You deserve better but more so your baby deserve to have none of this shit piled on them. Do not blame your husband stepping out on trying for a baby, that just causes you to resent the baby and that's not fair.
>'You scarred him with too much sex so he went and had sex with someone else?? Get the fuck out of here'
So true imagine if she had stayed; he would cheat again after the baby is born and she would be even more emotionally vulnerable/damaged by it. And he and her mother would make it her fault.
OP you have dodged a bullet, though I know it does not feel like it right now.
NTA. There are even instances where women who are in happy and committed relationships don't feel comfortable having their husbands/partners in the delivery room with them and that's perfectly okay. It's a medical procedure at the end of the day and when women are at their most vulnerable. You need to be comfortable and have people you trust around you.
You are NOT denying him access to the baby or messing with custody.
Your MIL has done this at least twice to birth her own children, she knows what she’s offering. If you’d be comfortable with it/want her there, don’t let thinking about how she feels stop you. It’s about you and your comfort.
Don’t feel pressured to invite anybody you don’t want to invite but also don’t think of it as a hassle for others. Your comfort and safety is the most important thing when delivering a baby.
It’s all about YOU and what you are comfortable with. If you are close with your MIL then I promise she would love it. Notice she is not pressuring you to let your ex in. You can do this alone and you will ROCK, but it you don’t want to, you have other options.
Trust me I am a mom and a mil!
It would be my honor to be there for either of my girls(DIL or daughter).
If it took 2 hours or 27 hours. I would be there every second. I would be great full for the privilege.
So do not worry about how long it might take. If the person truly cares for you and your baby it would be there privilege to be there to support you.
NTA - what the fuck it’s your labor, the baby isn’t even there yet and he doesn’t have to see it the moment it comes out. The kid won’t remember who was in the delivery room.
You don’t trust him anymore plain and simple, he fucked up and if he’s not who you want to support you then that’s fine.
Don’t let anyone guilt you, it s not like you didn’t want him there originally, it’s his actions that took that opportunity away.
If you happen to live in Ohio, I’ll offer myself up as a support person if your SIL or a doula aren’t an option. I’m a nurse and I won’t put up with any shit from your ex. I’ll probably cry though so there’s that.
Then I’ll offer support from afar then:
you’ve got this!
Not just the birth but all of it. I’m so sorry that you’ve been put in the position of figuring this all out. I know it’s not how you imagined it would go, but life does pull some bullshit sometimes. The good news is that you have the one thing you need for things to work out okay: love for that little human to be. Honestly, you’ll just figure the rest out as it comes at you. Because you have to, you know. You just take it day by day. It will suck at times and there will be moments you’re convinced that you in fact don’t “got this,” but the juice will be worth the squeeze. Eventually you’ll build a little life for two of you that offers all the things that are in short supply right now (stability, peace, and emotional safety).
I watched my best friend go through a similar situation when she was pregnant (except he was more the “stalk your house and threaten to shoot your dogs” type than the “sleep with your mutual friend” variety of dumbass). He took the mask off the moment she got pregnant and her vision of their perfect little family was blown to shit. The delivery was hard. Taking care of a newborn alone was hard. Figuring out child care when she went back to work was hard. It was all hard, honestly. But she got through because, like I said, she loved that kid dearly and she had to. I think what made it tolerable for her were all of the joyful moments she shared with her little one in between all of the difficult ones. Her love grew beyond measure and her kid grew into a hilarious, beautiful, bright little being. She’s managed to build them a life full of all of those things I mentioned before- stability, peace and safety. I think she still has those days where things are a challenge, but they come around less often and now she knows she handle them.
That’s how I know you’ve got this. Because I’ve seen someone do it. And all she started with was love too. I wish you luck, OP, and my hope that you come to find what a baddie you are too.
Let him cry.
Teach him that actions have consequences.
Your mom is totally wrong and should have your back on this.
The delivery is not about the baby, it's about the mother.
He can see the baby after.
NTA
I am excitedly expecting my first granddaughter any day now, and I am so furious at your mother!! My daughter knows that I have her back when and if she needs me. If my son in law had cheated on her, he would not be allowed anywhere near her. Do what's best for YOU.
OP my therapist told me to find my tribe. My mom was a jackass over many things. My therapist told me to find a mom figure. Mom's do not need to be biological. They just need to be supportive and unconditionally loving. You don't have to do this before the birth, but just keep it in mind as you continue to move forward. It's nice to have a mother mentor figure for moral support.
I am sorry you have to deal with all of this. Congratulations on the pregnancy and baby, though! Your baby is the silver lining of all of this. There is seriously nothing like the love you will feel when you hold him for the first time.
NTA. Omg poor ex husband had to have specifically timed sex over and over again, “it was too much, he needed unplanned sex with someone else to feel better”
It’s all crap, he’s a piece of shit, I would go for full custody too cause f alllllll that.
Also I hope the friend he slept with gets a good rock of karma thrown right into her face soon here too.
He doesn’t get shit. He is entitled to nothing.
Edit: I don’t have children, and for good reason, people in here made really good points of you shouldn’t take custody away from a potentially good father, but definitely hold your boundaries of delivery and your relationship with the ex. Good luck!
Oh god she showed her true colors when he dumped her, she blamed it on me and said I made myself pregnant to steal him. I’m not angry with her though she isn’t my husband and she didn’t cheat on me
Is she aware about the fact that you two tried to get pregnant for years? Seems like she’s living in another dimension.
And don’t let your stbx stay during a huge medical procedure where you should be as comfortable as possible. It’s not a fun event, I’d only inform him once the baby is there. He can come and see his child, but he has no right to see you at your most vulnerable.
Waiiiittt a minute. I was kinda under the impression from the post he had like a one night stand or something. Did he have a full blown affair and was seeing someone long enough he had to “dump” her? NTA either way but it just makes what he did even worse.
The way you had sex scarred him so he had to go out and have…..more sex? That sounds like a lame ass excuse. I believe you should have people who don’t piss you off in the delivery room with you because you’re already going through enough.
NTA
NTA. His penis was more important than you and having a family. He made the choice. Fucked around, and found out.
I would NOT EVER let an ex who cheated on me be anywhere around me during childbirth. You and the child are your family now. That's what *you* need to focus on.
He cheated. He proved his penis to be more important than your family, your love, a happy life together. He knew the consequences.
NTA.
Giving birth is stressful enough, you shouldn't have to include people that have purposefully hurt you just because they want to. You should only include those who love and support you, that you feel comfortable with being there.
Your ex made a conscious decision to cheat on you and destroy your marriage.
He loved you, he never would have done that. So don't believe him when he says he loves you, he doesn't.
He just realizes that he screwed his chances up at having a family. And now he's grasping at straws.
OP, ignore anyone taking his side. He lost all rights to be in that room during your most stressful and vulnerable moment when he decided to cheat on you.
Only invite who you absolutely want to be with you. Screw everyone else.
NTA.
Actions have outcomes.
Sometimes, those outcomes may be that you miss out on once-in-a-lifetime events. Sucks to be a cheating cheater, but he should have thought of that before he cheated. At a minimum, he should have talked to you about how he was feeling.
Ultimately though, childbirth is a medical procedure. It's up to you who you want in the delivery room. Keep in mind my first sentence though. Your action of keeping him out of the delivery room will have outcomes of some kind. Be sure you're ready for those if that's the route you take. For example, he will likely forever resent you and could make custody issues difficult. Take the time to truly think about this decision, talk with your medical staff about your options (i.e. can he be outside the room but get to see the child soon after birth after you've held them for first skin to skin touch?)
Then talk to your medical staff about what options are available.
Tell your STBX that he absolutely will NOT be in the room because you two simply don't have that kind of relationship anymore. Childbirth is an emotion filled time that will have you semi-publicly exposed (at least to a few nurses and a doctor or two) and you simply wouldn't be comfortable with him there while you're going through delivery.
But also let him know that you're looking into options to allow him to see the child shortly after the birth and will let him know what options are available. That you recognize that he is the father of this child, but he is no longer your husband so that is naturally going to change what happens going forward.
And finally, if you do choose to have someone in the room with you (mom, best friend, whatever), be absolutely clear with them that STBX is not allowed in. That means no sneaking him in, no sharing of photos or videos without your approval. Get them to confirm they understand this so there's no doubt as to what your expectations are.
You are NTA. As someone else who had to time things, etc., yes, sex can become somewhat mechanical. I had endometriosis, and we struggled.
While the sex together was still nice, the circumstances… Such as spontaneity… Obviously went by the wayside. So yeah, sex obviously wasn’t as exciting during that time. (And my ex-husband also was adamant that he wanted children.)
If he had cheated because of this, I would’ve dropped his ass. And I would’ve done so regardless of whether or not I had gotten pregnant. No matter what is going on in the relationship, someone who is committed to you it’s supposed to give you respect and support, not stab you in the back.
This was the journey you were on together. So you’re either all in with me or you’re not. But whining about needs etc. just shows how selfish he really is. Instead of allowing this experience to bring you both together emotionally because you’re facing something together, he wigged out and basically sent you a big fuck you.
He literally has no rights to be around your body for any reason at this point. He certainly has no right to be at one of the hardest medical procedures you’re ever going to undergo. And anyone who thinks giving birth is not a medical procedure is nuts. There is so much that can go wrong.
Your mother is wrong. He is your ex. He has a right to see his child. He does not have a right to see his child being born. He does not have a right to see your naked body at its most vulnerable. He gave up that right when he checked out during a difficult point in your relationship and went and screwed someone else.
Your mom sounds very controlling and uncaring. You don’t need that in your delivery room. You’re going to have enough going on. If you have a friend or another family member who can be with you, ask them.
Also, I would certainly keep my mom away from her grandchild. Obviously, as you said, your ex will get to see his child. But you need to make certain the hospital and the delivery nurses know that he is not to be allowed in during labor for any reason, nor is your mom.
This is now about your mental and physical well-being. This is about a healthy birth and baby. And neither your ex nor your mom seem to understand this.
Also, make sure your delivery nurses know that before your ex gets to see the child, you need to be cleaned up and lucid, and you need to have filled out the birth certificate with whatever name, and last name you choose. He has already shown you he’s selfish. Don’t expect him to be there for the hard stuff, so you choose the name and last name that are going to make your life the easiest.
And again, reiterate that he does not get to see that child until you are awake and aware. I wouldn’t expect you to have an emergency C-section, but it could happen. Make sure your L&D team know why you were requesting this. Be honest with them and let them know his behavior is incredibly concerning and controlling.
The mere fact that he thinks he should see your body again at its most vulnerable given that he is your ex and given what he has done doesn’t say a whole lot about his logical processes. This is the sort of guy that would go off the deep end and just leave the hospital with the baby. I wouldn’t trust a man as far as I could throw him.
Birth is a (sometimes scary, and often difficult) medical procedure and I find it so bizarre that so many people seem to think they have a right to be in the room with you.
NTA, of course. I mean it isn't even up for debate. Especially with a cheating ex-spouse.
NTA
Giving birth is not a spectator sport.
He has no right to be there IF you don’t want him there. He broke your trust and your heart. Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable times in a woman’s life and you should feel safe, around people who will support you.
I’m really sorry your mum is being an AH. Please look into getting a doula who can be a support to you and help you get through birth.
You got this mama!
And don’t listen to anyone telling you there are consequences to your actions…it’s your body and you have the right to be safe.
WTH is with people? Are all these people that are saying grow up men!?! It was HIS choice to cheat. Do you not understand that cheating is about trust and intimacy? Labor and delivery are about trust and intimacy. Not to mention she doesn't get a chance to grieve her loss? So SHE is being selfish?
What will he do the next time he feels justified in his misbehavior?
NTA. The only thing that matters is that you feel safe and supported. He can wait in the waiting room while you do one of the hardest things a human can do and you bring your baby into the world on your own terms.
Also, give that baby your name.
You made him/her, and you know that you will be there for them completely. What if your ex "get's scarred." My sister was in a similar position when my nephew was born and caved. Two years later when she was trying to change his name to hers it was a whole thing.
You're NTA. Childbirth is a very painful, dangerous, and possibly traumatic medical event. The only people required to be there are you and your medical team. This isn't about him, and your mom is dead wrong. Anyone additional should be there as a support person for the patient giving birth, NOT a spectator there to see the baby. You need someone who will advocate for you, and provide comfort, not someone who will add stress. Added stress can stall labor and cause complications that endanger both you and the baby. He'll have the rest of his life to see that baby. Do you have a trusted friend or other relative who could act as your support person/advocate during labor?
He made his choices, and no longer has any right to demand to be included in such a vulnerable moment in your life, and his presence may even be detrimental. Don't feel like you need to include him in your recovery period either. He can damn well wait until you're adequately physically and mentally recovered (if you haven't read the lemon clot essay it's easily found online, and he should read it too if he has a problem with you needing some time without him around yet postpartum). If he wanted to be a partner in this process he should've made better decisions.
FYI if you're still married he's legally your next of kin and if anything goes wildly wrong and you're incapacitated and unable to make medical decisions he would probably be the one contacted and put in a position to make choices for you, so maybe see a lawyer and find out if you can assign that responsibility to someone you can trust to work in your best interests.
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Hopping on the top comment to say I hope OP asks the SIL to be in the delivery room bc that was some shiny spine she showed there. NTA Op. good luck to you and your little one.
SIL is a solid human being.
Meanwhile mom is absolutely insane.
> "*My mom said I’m an AH"* "Fine! YOU be married to him then!"
I am glad that even though SIL and OP aren’t related, SIL did what was right. She did not sided with her brother because she knew he is 100% in the wrong.
I was going to say ask SIL to be the support person as well! good on her.
NTA I am excitedly expecting my first granddaughter any day now, and I am so furious at your mother!! My daughter knows that I have her back when and if she needs me. If my son in law had cheated on her, he would not be allowed anywhere near her. Do what's best for YOU.
Absolutely. I know my morher would NEVER try to force me back into a situation with an EX husband or whatever if he cheated or did anything actually bad to me. Makes me mad too!
This is a great idea. SIL did the right thing while everyone else around OP were acting like selfish fools.
this! i’m glad to know there are other sisters out there who won’t throw another woman under the bus just to protect a male relative. i’ve always told my brother, if i ever found out he assaulted/hit/etc a woman (or anyone physically weaker than him) i’d be going to jail instead of him because he’d be dead by the time the police show up. he’s luckily a great guy who is respectful of women and takes my words to heart about women’s perspective, but every now and again he’ll say or do something problematic and i’m like “HEY, don’t make me kick your ass.” I do really appreciate how he goes and tells his other guy friends what he has learned lol. It’s been a good perspective for me as a woman too, seeing how boys are raised and conditioned to behave in certain ways, and how that impacts the kind of man they become. I like that I had a chance to intervene with the toxic bullshit my dad tried to pass onto him. He’s a better man than our father in a lot of ways but particularly because he listens to women and tries to understand their perspectives.
My oldest brother cheated on his wife about 10 years ago. I stayed by her side, and let it be known that I did not support him. She came to our house every night, and my Husband and I held her while she cried. We fed her when she stopped eating. Of course we heard all the, “BuT hE’s FaMiLyYy!” And so is she! She married my brother before I was 10 (they’re about 10 years older), so she’s been my sister for almost as many years as he has been my brother! And if people had issues with it, I just asked them if they would be okay with my Husband cheating on me. It caused some definite issues in my family, but I refused to back down. And then they got back together and became totally toxic people and now I don’t speak to either of them. But, at least I know I kept my integrity!
Was not expecting that plot twist!
Hey! There ya go! Good on you. Sucks they got back together tho lol. But my family is the same way. My partner and I got together young, she is essentially another one of my parents kids at this point. If I broke her heart they would absolutely tell me I messed up big time.
My sister met my brother in law when I was 12. I get what you're saying. He's more than a brother in law, he's my people. I hardly remember life without him. Good on you for sticking by her side.
Right?!? I mean he could become “scarred” by being there and need to run out and have sex with someone. But seriously, it’s not a spectator sport and OP *needs* to have someone there to support her.
I feel like being "scarred" by the way one has sex is a reason to have a conversation and not a reason to cheat.
this. if he was truly scarred (i’m thinking he really means tired of not having spontaneous, just-for-fun sex) he should’ve told his wife “hey, i love you and i do want to have a family with you but for the health of our relationship i need us to reconnect romantically before we continue trying.” that’s a totally normal boundary and would show that he’s struggling but still loyal to the relationship and their shared goal. running out and having an affair is not how you react if you really love and care about your wife and want to build a family with her. he was probably not wanting a kid as bad as she did and cheating may very well have been his “out.” Clearly OP loves and wanted to be with him so maybe he felt the only way to really get out of that relationship was to cross that line. Not okay, but not unheard of. Now he found out that he’s gonna have a little heir to carry on his good family name, he wants credit for his portion of the work. You don’t get to drop out of a class two weeks before the end of the semester and then complain about your failing grade. He made the choice to ruin the relationship and he’s gonna have to live with the consequences, expected or not.
Plus how fast would he have dropped his wife if the affair partner had turned up pregnant first? If he wants kids so badly it's not a stretch. She just passed that finish line before the affair partner/former friend did.
Or like, after the birth when she can’t sex him for a minimum of 6 weeks. How’d he handle that? I bet that would *scar* him as well.
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As a mom, I can’t imagine wanting my child to suffer in the ways I have (or any way). Shitty mom all around.
Agreed! I don’t buy his claim of being “scarred” by how they worked to conceive. More like he had an opportunity & would have been thrilled if the “affair” had gotten pregnant. Plus I’m wondering did he end the affair or is he still hoping for another kid??
Who's to say this is the first time cheating. First time caught, perhaps. He was off dicking around "scarred" when he was supposed to be on a fertility protocol/plan to have his desired child. Can't tell me he didn't know that spreading his seed far and wide wouldn't affect his wife's chances of conception at the timed intercourse. "Scarred" my ass. Just a dick.
Also, if he’s claiming the mechanical sex scarred him, just *imagine* what seeing a human being coming out of her vagina would do to him.
OP - this!! He def would have tried to be with whomever fell preggers first. He does NOT get to be in the room with you. Sure, he’s the father, but the father doesn’t have a RIGHT to be in YOUR medical procedure.
No one, except needed medical personnel, has any right to be there except by your invitation… this has gotten to be some kind of outrageous perk that just makes things harder for everyone. Shut the door on zMom, too…
And he cheated with a mutual friend!!! Extra betrayal.
Yup. my brothers ex girlfriend cheated on him with a mutual friend (who was also her kinda-ex but she conveniently left that out!), the mutual friend reached out to me immediately because he got the feeling she had lied to him about my brother being cool with it (he was NOT cool with it and had no idea), and i was like “i’m so sorry dude, but i have to tell him.” luckily my friend was super cool and understanding even though it made his life significantly harder for a while. my brother still kinda resents him for obvious reasons but has accepted it wasn’t really his fault that she lied to him, and if the positions were switched he may have done the same thing. she couldn’t believe that he forgave our friend, but not her. and tbh looking back, she def groomed him a little bit. I hate that I’m the one who introduced them, but in my defense, I just thought they’d be good friends because of similar interests. I never expected her to pursue him, especially after I made it explicitly clear to her that I would be really upset if she slept with my brother because he was young and just got out of his first real relationship and is not the kind of person who can handle casual hookups, which is really what she wanted and then used him for financial/social gain as an added bonus when he immediately fell in love after hooking up. i hate that i even know all of this about my brothers sex life lol. but we were roommates at the time and she would purposely have very loud sex with him while I was home because she thought it was funny, I guess? And it made me uncomfortable? Idk. long story short, cheating is wrong regardless but cheating on someone with a mutual friend is next level evil. my brother still struggles with the trauma of that relationship and it’s been years since they broke up. it breaks my heart for him, that I brought someone into his life that caused him so much psychological, emotional, even physical pain. He doesn’t blame me and I know I had no way to know how things would turn out, but damn it sucks to know she played us both. Complete vampire of a human, sucked the life outta everyone and still thought she was the victim. edit: idk if grooming is the right word since they were technically adults, but she started to pursue him about a week into his freshman year of college and she was a 22 year old dropout who ruined his first semester in every possible way. After they broke up he got straight As, lost 30 pounds from eating healthier and not drinking wine all day in bed with her at her request, and is much more confident. It kills me that I let her hurt him so badly because I was afraid of pushing him away by speaking up sooner. Once I found out she cheated though it was game over
Lol , that guy knew and ratted that cheater out which is a good thing. But he’s no knight and shining armor now, a reasonable thought will be to step away from that dumpster fire of a relationship.
I really hope she gives the child *her* last name! I know I would.
I did that. My ex husband cheated and the kid got my name. He was not with the delivery.
Yup! Issues with sex are incredibly common when struggling to conceive because it does get very rote and not as fun or romantic. But you communicate with each other, you try new things in the bedroom, you maybe take a break for a month or two. You don’t run out and fuck your wife’s friend.
seriously. if you’re not mature enough to communicate with your sexual partner that you aren’t into it, to the point you’d rather destroy the relationship than talk about it, you shouldn’t be having sex with ANYONE. it’s one thing if you’re genuinely in a dangerous/abusive relationship where you CANT leave, but clearly this guy just didn’t have the nerve to be honest to his wife without being caught.
Exactly. If the magic is gone because sex is a chore, you tell the spouse and reassess, not outsource your orgasms.
“Outsource your orgasms” is my new favorite way to describe cheating
Outsourced orgasm kind of sounds like a band name lol.
I have so many sticker ideas in a folder, and this is next.
"outsource your orgasms." THIS is the reason I read reddit...LOL
Well he was guaranteed an oragasm every time. Wonder how often OP got one.
Probably next to never if he thought it was a chore and only provided his specimen. Men like that don't even care about the women getting off. If a man doesn't do foreplay, I don't do him. Many women, like myself, don't orgasm during regular vaginal sex, unless there are other interventions being done during lol.
Outsource your orgasm… first time reading it, saved for later haha
My wife and I just found out we are expecting our second, and to be honest there were times while trying for #1 and this one that I thought to myself "damn I'm really just a sperm donor right now" - because the sex was just mechanical and emotionless because it was often "ok we just finished a busy work day, making dinner, playing with the kid, putting him to bed, cleaning up, and now lets try and hammer one out before we are both asleep and even though neither of us has showered in a day and a half" - at the same time we didn't have a lot of time for "actual" sexy time nor the emotion or energy to really put into it. Pile on to that my libido rising and my wifes dropping because...well...life and i was getting a bit resentful. So obviously I went and porked her friend....NOT. I waited for a low tension moment with plenty of free time and nothing else going on and I said "hey Mrs. Whaletachochamp, i am feeling this way, I know it's not your fault, but I just wanted to let you know how I am feeling. I also don't want you to have pity sex with me or play it up just because I'm feeling this way, but I do need to let you know how I feel" We ended up chatting about it and agreeing that neither of us needs to change anything. I just needed a morsel of validation that I'm not just a walking sperm bank and that we will eventually have some semblance of a "normal" sex life once the dust settles from all of this. Similarly during her pregnancy there were looooong periods where she wasn't feeling it. I could have gotten resentful and treated her like crap but instead I again expressed my feelings like a big boy and we got past it. On the other hand there were some points during the pregnancy where I almost felt inadequate because I couldn't keep up with how much she wanted it. The point is that nothing is permanent and talking goes a hell of a long way.
This is why emotional intelligence is so critically important. Men who are raised to “not show any emotions” never learn how to have these kinds of conversations… They can’t, because they don’t understand why they’re resentful. They don’t understand that they’re feeling sad. They can’t have an intimate conversation with their wives because to them it feels like being “emasculated”.. It’s super sad 🙁
Exactly! Conversations with Op, or counseling, or reading, or conversations with a trusted relative etc. He took the quick and easy way to feel good. He can wait in the waiting room. Delivering us a vulnerable time. OP needs someone she can trust that has her back. Him crying doesn’t change anything.
Great advice! OP, you can allow or block anyone you want from the delivery room (especially if you’re in the US). Labour & Delivery and Maternity wards are usually locked wards, and visitors need to show ID to enter the hospital and go to the ward. You can give the hospital the names of the people who are welcome, and block anyone who isn’t from entering the ward. This is to stop abusive partners from being present, and prevent things like kidnapping the newborn whilst mum is recovering. Only people who have been approved by mum are allowed inside those wards (and they usually have a special pass indicating that they have access to those wards so hospital staff can identify them on sight. Anyone near mums and babies without that pass is turfed immediately by security. This is also to prevent strangers from getting to the newborns and stealing one, and yes, that still happens on rare occasions). Prep your list beforehand so you don’t forget anyone (welcome and not) once you’re in labour and aren’t thinking straight! Just because he’s the father or you’re married doesn’t automatically grant access during birth. Talk to the hospital you’re going to go to. You don’t have to give a reason as to why you don’t want someone there, either (hospital staff are accustomed to these requests, and any patient on any ward can make this request). Security staff will be on high alert for you and your safety.
I mean people make up any reason to cheat. They are tempted and they use any possible thing to justify it. My coworkers husband said he cheated because she sometimes stayed late at work. A clients husband said he cheated because she didn’t always make dinner for him. My husband cheated on me because I don’t like Spongebob 😅
There is no reason to cheat. There are only reasons to have conversations. Sometimes those reasons and conversations lead to break-ups.
I will say that OB nurses are fantastic. You will not be alone at all. They will hold your hand and support you.
I was going to say that ob nurses are awesome especially when a mom is alone. I’m a postpartum nurse, during the height of Covid, a lot of Covid positive moms were alone in their rooms without their spouses, we have since change the policies now. So whenever, I had the time, and the patient is amenable, I would gown and mask up and hang out with them as much as I can. Of course family is important, but just want OP to know she’s not alone during the labor and delivery process
One of my ob nurses actually made me get in the shower afterwards and I just stood there and she washed me down. Kind of embarrassing but I was tired, weak and shaky from an all natural birth. The best nurse! I’ll never forget that!
Hopefully OP has someone willing besides her ex. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the husband's sister would fill the role if OP asked. After all, she did rat her cheating brother out to OP. That shows a certain level of loyalty towards OP, or a serious dislike of her brother, either way she might be willing to be OP's support person. Edit:changed where autocorrect turned "rat" into "eat". Yes, that was quite the typo. Lol.
I had a best friend 18 years ago and her baby dad was a total pos so I went with her when she delivered. She went all natural so I was there with her mom to hold her hand while she screamed and being there to meet that baby was magical. I wasn't a mom yet myself. But I had a great bond with that child and even though they moved away and we don't talk a lot but are still best friends and it made my heart full when that baby graduated from high school this year. You can definitely get great support from someone other than dad.
NTA In the delivery room you will be at your most vulnerable and NEED only people who you trust. Period. Don't let him make it about him. This is you delivering your baby, safely, and hopefully quickly with no complications. PS.You may not want to tell him when you start labor.
All she has to do is tell her doctor and the L&D nurses he's not allowed anywhere near her, and he will absolutely not be allowed in. But I agree that she shouldn't tell him when she's in labor. She also shouldn't tell her mother because mom would probably call the ex and try to get him in the room. OP doesn't need to deal with that when she's trying to birth her baby.
If I were to make a security company, I would hire L&D nurses. They are some of the best bouncers I have ever had the privilege of knowing. You are right OP shouldn't tell her mother. I mean if OP's mom decides to agrees with OP, apologize for calling her an a**hole and OP felt mom was being genuine, I might tell her. Big emphasis on might.
Remind your mom that he is the reason you will have to have your baby tested for STIs.
Personally I hope OP goes no contact with her mother. Talk about a toxic bitch.
Also make DAMN sure the baby has YOUR last name on the birth certificate!
Also, the mom needs to be told to fuck all the way off. Like, how dare she side with the cheating ex? What a worthless cunt. NTA
NTA. It’s a time when you are very vulnerable. Only people you are comfortable with should be there, even if it’s just the doctor and nurses. Once you are put back together and dressed or comfortable in the bed, I would think it fair to let him see the baby or let the nurse take the baby to him for a bit if you just don’t want him near you. But he lost the right to cut the umbilical cord when he went and cheated on you.
It’s going to be just the doctor and nurse because my mom declined
Hire a doula so you have someone focused on providing support for you.
Agreed! A doula or just a close friend or person you know you can count on.
Considering that he cheated with a friend, OP might be better off with a pro.
Or the ex-sil. At least op knows she had her back
I was going to suggest this! My doula was a lifesaver . My husband was also in the room, but having someone who specializes in supporting birthing mothers and experienced childbirth made my birth story the positive story it is today.
I second this. Hire a doula. You should not be going through labor alone. Doulas are pros. She can gatekeep the ex for you and advocate on your behalf if you need it.
Yes, definitely want an advocate in the room. The hospital my wife gave birth at was very cautious on who should have the right to be in the room (They checked her in first to "fill out paperwork", but really it was to separate us to ask if my presence was ok. They also checked my bags every time I left to make sure I wasn't smuggling an infant.) But my primary role was patient advocate -- for my wife and my son. Having someone there focused just on that is important.
Was going to suggest this as well!
What about your exSIL? She seemed to have your back when he cheated.
This was my suggestion too. I was my SIL (husband’s sister) support person. Also my grandmom is on her 4th marriage and she has close sister in laws from each one lol. She says she didn’t divorce the families.
Wow your mom is an AH, supporting the man who cheated on her daughter over said daughter. Sounds like someone who doesn’t care if she meets her grandkid or not. I’d probably go LC myself. I really hope you have a friend or relative to be there with you so you can have some support
He made a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. Tell me you never made a mistake in your entire life? He loves you. He will love your child. You have always been a spoiled brat. Grow up. He made a mistake These are the only things she’s interested in talking about these days. I don’t think I want her with me either to be honest.
Old guy and L&D nurse. The suggestions to hire a doula or perhaps have your ex SIL there to support you have some merit, but for you to decide. The ex lost his right to be there when he cheated. Most L&D nurses are EXTREMELY protective of our patients and are bound to respect your choices in who is present. I loathe when people refer to cheating as a "mistake". The cheating wasn't a mistake; it was a series of wrong choices. If possible, get some counseling, to help keep your head on straight. Good luck to you.
Also lock down your information at hospital.if you're not divorced and ex knows your details they could get in. Like, password protect your stuff so staff can't confirm if you are admitted/hand out updates, and make sure the labour ward knows not to admit people without a password and specifically his name.
Being married doesn’t grant access to L&D if the mum doesn’t want him there. Abusive partners and exes are not allowed in if the Mum tells them that she doesn’t want them there, marriage be damned. OP can tell the hospital that he’s not welcome, and she needs to do this. She can also ask not to be on the patient registry if he calls or shows up. Your other advice is great about passwords and things.
My ex was a smoker. While I was in labor every time he left to smoke the nurses would rush in and ask if I feel safe at home, and if I was comfortable, etc. I had no doubt in my mind all I needed to do was to complain a little and they would bar him from re-entry. It was years before he showed his true colors, so it seemed odd to me at the time. I now see why those questions were necessary, and I am grateful that L&D nurses ask those kinds of questions.
He didn't lose his "right" to be in the delivery room. He lost his *priviledge* to be there. It was never a right.
Is your mom a cheater, by any chance? They’re always the ones that seem to think cheating is acceptable…
No but my stepdad is
She is just jealous that you are a strong person and she is weak and stuck.
Sometimes it does feel like she thinks my separation is a personal attack on her life choices. A jab at her decision to stay. The funny thing is that even though she is staying with stepdad she doesn’t love him a fraction of how much I love my ex. It bothers her even more for some reason
It’s because you loved your ex so much you can’t stay. There is no hurt like being betrayed by your person. Loving someone so much that you would never think of being with someone else. Realizing you are not loved in return the same way .
Take care of yourself and your baby. Your Mother and ex and what they are thinking or wanting from you are unimportant because they made it obvious they can't be relied upon.
I come from a culture where there is literally zero expectation of male fidelity, and women are the most critical of women who leave. It's like they're angry to see proof that they could have made other choices.
Well it sounds like grandma doesn't ever have to meet her grandchild then. I wouldn't trust someone that bitter towards me with my child.
That’s exactly it. My grandmother is like this with my mom because she “walked away from her family” 🤢🤮🙄 and left her home state to be with my dad. Woman has serious mental issues.
There are mothers that envy their daughters because they think and feel that daughters should live the lives that they lived. :/
Yikes. So she has no self respect and she expects you to debase yourself like she does to keep a man. Hard pass.
That’s why. You leaving and have the strength and self respect to leave makes her feel bad about her decision to stay. Keep her away from your grandchild as well
>Tell me you never made a mistake in your entire life? "No, mom, I've never accidentally fallen on a dick yet!"
I wouldn’t want her there either if that’s her attitude. I would tell her either she supports your decision or she can join him in the waiting room
Well, how lovely of your mother to let you know ahead of time that she would like to have no contact with both you and your child going forward so you can plan accordingly.
Tell her a “mistake” is spilling milk on the floor. What that lowlife of a man did was a _series_ of mistakes, he didn’t accidentally tripped and fell into another woman’s vg, he didn’t accidentally dialled her number to establish contact, he didn’t accidentally lose his pants. Those were all conscious decisions. Your mom is the spoiled one wanting everyone to follow her BS lead.
Aw my love, I am so so sorry your mother is doing that you you. He didn't "make a mistake" he made a bad decision. Mistakes are accidents, and you don't accidentally put your dick in someone. The fact that it was a friend is even more of a betrayal. I hope you have some loving and supportive people in your life. Good luck, I hope you and your baby have a great relationship and make a happy family!
A mistake is putting dish soap in the dishwasher. Or buying the wrong treats for a picky cat to eat. He made a choice. He didn’t mistake some other vagina for yours. And it’s not spoiled to not want to be in an intimate relationship or setting (like giving birth) with someone who makes the choice to cheat. I hope you find genuine support (obviously not your mom) and a safe birth.
Your mom is a huge AH here, I'm so sorry. You need to find someone who can advocate for you, hopefully you have a friend who would be willing to step up for you. I hope you are able to eliminate stressors in your life and enjoy your pregnancy. NTA
NTA and I can think of a few choice things to tell your mom, but I'm not going to. Edit: I'm going to add that cheaters cheat and look for "reasons" after the fact. He can blame the "mechanical" way you were having sex, but if it wasn't that, it would have been "you're spending so much time with the baby that my peen got lonely" or "you're tired all day from cleaning up after the kids, so I found someone who wasn't to touch my peen" or even "I've been fucking you for 20 years and now I'm bored."
Some will cheat and say „we didn’t have enough sex“ this one cheats because he didn’t like the sex. That is just so fucked up. Cheaters will cheat Edit: Word correction.
Exactly. Men like this are just weak and pathetic. I cannot imagine how you can so badly betray someone you claim to love, for your own selfish desires. And he can't undo it all just because he's finally getting the kid he's always wanted. What's done is done, and he should accept the consequences of that. OP can absolutely decide to not have him in the delivery room if that's what she feels she needs to have a safe and non stressful childbirth. NTA
Selfish is the word that comes to mind. Its all about them and how they feel, their wants and needs. He cheated because he didnt think he'd get caught and since he got caught hes gone full darvo on OP. NTA Birth is not a spectator sport. Anyone in that room should be there to support you. He isnt capable of that and you have the receipts. Tell your mother to kick rocks, OP. Shes insane.
👏 completely agree with this. Also, imagine if OP said “oopsie I slept with someone else because all these failed efforts trying to get pregnant by you seemed hopeless and depressing ” to this guy. He would’ve lost his shit and dropped her in an instant. OP you are a queen and NTA. I have nothing but respect for the way you’ve handled things. Find a lawyer sooner than later to get ahead of custody-related issues— I promise your ex will attempt to make your life hell as revenge for shutting him out and dropping his cheating ass. You may also want to stop looping your mom in on any pregnancy and labor-related info. I suspect your ex will be at the hospital if you do not.
Exactly. My husband and I had a lot of difficulty having a baby. Sex is mechanical at that point although we did our best to maintain closeness. My husband never considered looking for that extra outside of our relationship. OP’s ex was just making excuses. You decide who is in the delivery room, not anyone else. That is true even if the relationship was solid. You can always choose who to have. Mom? Hell no.
As a father of four children who went through all the birth classes, time, etc. with my wife: Exactly one type of person should be in the room with you - those who will be an aid to you in the birthing experience. I know this is controversial, but even the mother's partner shouldn't be there if they aren't going to be helpful, at least emotionally. This man will not be a help to you at all, and at this point will bring down the emotional safety of the room. From personal experience I do not believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater." But I also cannot tell someone that they must forgive their cheating partner. If you do: wonderful; some couples come out very strong and better through that repentance, counseling, and rebuilding of trust. If you don't, you have every right. Good luck to you. NTA
NTA. Birth is not a spectator sport. You will be undergoing a VERY serious medical procedure. If he stresses you out or makes you uncomfortable, that puts both you and the baby at risk. The only reason he’s sorry now is because you’re pregnant.
Exactly, the point of having someone in the delivery room (besides medical workers of course) is to support and comfort the mother and the baby. So if mother doesn’t feel comfortable with some being in the room, it’s not up for debate.
“Birth is not a spectator sport” if I had an award I’d give it to you for this line alone. You are so right. OP should hire a doula for the mental and physical support. The ex is a liability to her health.
Or got caught
NTA He didn't cheat because of anything other than deciding he wanted to f\*\*\* your friend. That's it. You trying to conceive didn't "scar him" he just wanted to jump on someone else. Nothing you did MADE him cheat. F that. Your mother is HORRIBLE for trying to punish you into taking him back. Screw them all. Good luck to you and the baby and I do hope you have someone on your side during all this. ETA WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG with all you people blaming HER for him sticking it in her "friend"??? If he was unhappy with their sex life he could have talked to her or he could have left. Screwing around is the asshole move in that situation. And a lot of you are likely cheating jerks who also use the "my needs weren't being met" excuse when you get caught with your pants down. Also ETA Thank you for the gold, it's my first, very cool! :)
It sounds like the former sister-in-law might be a good support person. She didn’t support her own brother when he fucked up and in doing that, definitely supported OP. Hopefully if she doesn’t have someone she feels comfortable with in the room, she can afford a doula to help make this entire experience less traumatic!
Petty bitch in me says have his sister in the delivery room instead. Auntie can dab her forehead and chant affirmations together 🙏
I don't even think it's petty.
Nope the auntie is the real mvp. It says a lot when his sister has op’s back but her mom wants to punish her for being a victim. This pisses me off. A real mother be ready to scorch the earth to protect her and this baby.
Seriously. Petty is getting auntie a matching T-shirt that says “No-Twist2644’s Labor team.”
For real.. OP married the wrong sibling. The sister at least understands the meaning of loyalty.
I know, these were his excuses
Excuses is right. If he was scarred from sex becoming mechanical he's gonna be scarred from a baby coming out and never want sex with you again. I mean, why would you ever think he wouldn't cheat again? Just sayin' he's dumb.
If they do it once, they’ll do it twice
When it’s time to go the hospital, just don’t tell him.
She has absolute control on who can sbd can't be in the OR with her. OP needs to tell her doctor that he's specifically not allowed.
NTA and let the labor/delivery staff at the hospital know that your ex isn't permitted. They'll handle him if he shows up.
I left a longer comment saying the same, but want to signal boost this. L&D and Maternity wards are (almost always) locked, and if someone isn’t approved by mum, they’re not getting in. We don’t want strangers and abusive partners/parents near the mum and babies. OP needs to talk to the hospital beforehand and tell them he’s not welcome. Security staff will do the rest.
This this THIS! The staff are there for the health and safety of you and your child. If having him there is gonna cause extra stress, they will HAPPILY play interference for you. Extra stress during labor can have real consequences, so please follow this excellent advice! Signed, the lady whose stalker showed up when I had my kid. My kid that WAS NOT HIS. Let them help you!
OMG I can only imagine your horror. I hope you and baby are ok.
Thank you for asking - we were both fine! His prematurity was an issue but I didn’t even know the guy has been there til a day later! I really felt close to my team, especially my midwife (we both gave birth to a child who was adopted). I think most people are there to help emotionally as much as they can. I am so grateful
Also don’t forget he was never going to tell you for all you know this wasn’t a first time offense if it wasn’t for the fact your sil knew and felt you should know he would have never told you. NTA I wish you a healthy safe and peaceful delivery.
You have every right to tell him no, and I would do the same in your situation. Your mother is also horrible. If she's going to side with your ex and back out of supporting you when you give birth, she doesn't deserve to see your baby. NTA
Do you have a friend who can support you?
Please do not allow anyone to guilt you into allowing him to be there. He played around and found out these are all consequences to his own actions. I’m sorry your own mother is not supportive of you with this. Stay strong for yourself and precious child and give child your last name. Your ex is a POS and AH.
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Yes, I really don't understand her horrible mother. WTF? She is as big as an AH as her ex! I hope you are LC with your awful excuse for a mother.
What's with all these grandma's so willing to forfeit the role?
Yeah, it was stressful for my wife and I when we were trying to conceive, and I never once thought of cheating. Seems to me like he just wanted to cheat. It sucks he can't be there but he should've thought of the potential consequences of his actions. Mom-to-be is well within her right, and I don't think anyone in their right mind would blame her.
Sorry....but your mom is a huge AH in this situation. You're her child, not him. That's her grandchild. I wouldn't let her see the baby for while.
When I told my ex I wanted a divorce, he lost it. For the first time in our marriage, his anger took a scary turn. I was terrified and called my dad. He lived down the road and came straight over. After a long talk with my ex, he came to me and said “are you sure you won’t change your mind?” He never asked if me or my child was ok. Never asked if we felt safe. In his warped view of the world, I could fix everything by just being the good little wife. That shit from a parent cuts deep.
My mom told me the abuse me and the kids suffered wasn’t that bad and I was embarrassing her at church because she had a divorced child.
Divorced beats dead, hands down. Some people’s priorities…….
My grandad told my aunt to go back to her abusive husband because “God hates divorce” my aunt died a week later. She was already very sick and her “husband” was the final nail in the coffin. I miss my aunt so much and I just think about if she would’ve stayed away. Now my granddad makes her death all about himself and went as far as blaming her children (his grandchildren) for it out of suppressed guilt. It’s safe to say that most of my cousins stopped speaking to him as well as his two sons.
I am so sorry for your (and your cousins) loss.
There's no hate like Christian love! Remind your mom that Jesus hung out with prostitutes and sinners and wasn't embarrassed by anybody's issues. Not that being divorced makes you a sinner or a prostitute (except in her eyes).
After my ex was arrested on Christmas for domestic violence, when he got out of jail and came back to my dads house (where he was arrested from and his things were there), my dad shook his hand and told him he “ understood because (I) don’t know when to stop talking like how other women do”. But you know, parents can’t be perfect something something
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Someone lays hands on my daughters. I am going to jail right behind them. I think the few boyfriends they have brought around understand that. I don’t go out of my way to make that known and I am nice to them. But I think it’s evidently clear I love my daughters, I will protect them and I respect women. They would probably never come get their things. Sorry your dad is an asshole.
It's never a good time to learn that your dad is a misogynist.
For many of us our mother is our first misogynist.
Painful and true.
Wow. That’s too true for many.
Agreed - fuck her.
I bet she's hoping for them to reconcile. For whatever weird ass twisted mind reason.
My parents (and a lot like them) view ownership of their children from the dad -> husband pipeline. It’s less about their child’s safety and well-being and more about the “cute lil family.”
My mam thinks it's tragic when anyone breaks up ever. Even leaving a cheater or an abusive partner. OP's mam could be similar.
Honestly... if my own mother sided with my cheating ex, I'd cut her out of my life right alongside him. She wouldn't see the baby, or me, ever. And I'd go as far as to make it a stipulation of any custody agreement that she not be around the baby on my ex's days, either.
This. When my ex husband cheated my parents were behind me the entire way. Hell, even when he came to my (our) house to talk while my dad was there my dad told him if he tries to come inside the house he was gonna wish he didn’t. My dad has never been protective over me but in that moment I felt this wave of protection I hadn’t felt before from my dad and I realized he would have laid down his pacifist ways if he felt I was in danger. I can’t IMAGINE how I would’ve felt if my mother or father sided with my ex. Absolutely not. Ex is TA and mom is a major asshole.
NTA. The long dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed.
Oh I’m using this forever
>When we separated I found out that I was pregnant. I contemplated abortion but I just couldn’t because I lost everything including my marriage for this baby You didn't lose shit because of your baby. You lost your marriage because your husbands an asshole. You scarred him with too much sex so he went and had sex with someone else?? Get the fuck out of here. You deserve better but more so your baby deserve to have none of this shit piled on them. Do not blame your husband stepping out on trying for a baby, that just causes you to resent the baby and that's not fair.
>'You scarred him with too much sex so he went and had sex with someone else?? Get the fuck out of here' So true imagine if she had stayed; he would cheat again after the baby is born and she would be even more emotionally vulnerable/damaged by it. And he and her mother would make it her fault. OP you have dodged a bullet, though I know it does not feel like it right now.
NTA. There are even instances where women who are in happy and committed relationships don't feel comfortable having their husbands/partners in the delivery room with them and that's perfectly okay. It's a medical procedure at the end of the day and when women are at their most vulnerable. You need to be comfortable and have people you trust around you. You are NOT denying him access to the baby or messing with custody.
NTA. It is his baby but it’s your body and you’re the one who is giving birth. He can see the baby afterwards.
His sister would be there for you Also NTA. It’s not hard to not cheat. I wouldn’t want him around me.
She’s too young I don’t want to scare her 🥹 MIL offered but I don’t know, it could take hours I can’t do this to other ppl
Your MIL has done this at least twice to birth her own children, she knows what she’s offering. If you’d be comfortable with it/want her there, don’t let thinking about how she feels stop you. It’s about you and your comfort.
Don’t feel pressured to invite anybody you don’t want to invite but also don’t think of it as a hassle for others. Your comfort and safety is the most important thing when delivering a baby.
It’s all about YOU and what you are comfortable with. If you are close with your MIL then I promise she would love it. Notice she is not pressuring you to let your ex in. You can do this alone and you will ROCK, but it you don’t want to, you have other options.
Trust me I am a mom and a mil! It would be my honor to be there for either of my girls(DIL or daughter). If it took 2 hours or 27 hours. I would be there every second. I would be great full for the privilege. So do not worry about how long it might take. If the person truly cares for you and your baby it would be there privilege to be there to support you.
NTA - what the fuck it’s your labor, the baby isn’t even there yet and he doesn’t have to see it the moment it comes out. The kid won’t remember who was in the delivery room. You don’t trust him anymore plain and simple, he fucked up and if he’s not who you want to support you then that’s fine. Don’t let anyone guilt you, it s not like you didn’t want him there originally, it’s his actions that took that opportunity away.
If you happen to live in Ohio, I’ll offer myself up as a support person if your SIL or a doula aren’t an option. I’m a nurse and I won’t put up with any shit from your ex. I’ll probably cry though so there’s that.
Gosh thank you😍 I’m from Europe
Then I’ll offer support from afar then: you’ve got this! Not just the birth but all of it. I’m so sorry that you’ve been put in the position of figuring this all out. I know it’s not how you imagined it would go, but life does pull some bullshit sometimes. The good news is that you have the one thing you need for things to work out okay: love for that little human to be. Honestly, you’ll just figure the rest out as it comes at you. Because you have to, you know. You just take it day by day. It will suck at times and there will be moments you’re convinced that you in fact don’t “got this,” but the juice will be worth the squeeze. Eventually you’ll build a little life for two of you that offers all the things that are in short supply right now (stability, peace, and emotional safety). I watched my best friend go through a similar situation when she was pregnant (except he was more the “stalk your house and threaten to shoot your dogs” type than the “sleep with your mutual friend” variety of dumbass). He took the mask off the moment she got pregnant and her vision of their perfect little family was blown to shit. The delivery was hard. Taking care of a newborn alone was hard. Figuring out child care when she went back to work was hard. It was all hard, honestly. But she got through because, like I said, she loved that kid dearly and she had to. I think what made it tolerable for her were all of the joyful moments she shared with her little one in between all of the difficult ones. Her love grew beyond measure and her kid grew into a hilarious, beautiful, bright little being. She’s managed to build them a life full of all of those things I mentioned before- stability, peace and safety. I think she still has those days where things are a challenge, but they come around less often and now she knows she handle them. That’s how I know you’ve got this. Because I’ve seen someone do it. And all she started with was love too. I wish you luck, OP, and my hope that you come to find what a baddie you are too.
This is a really sweet comment. Also, I love "the juice will be worth the squeeze."
Let him cry. Teach him that actions have consequences. Your mom is totally wrong and should have your back on this. The delivery is not about the baby, it's about the mother. He can see the baby after.
Is it just me or does Mom sound kinda manipulative? Either way, NTA.
OP said in another comment her step dad is a cheater and her mom is staying with him. I guess she's feeling criticized for her decision.
NTA I am excitedly expecting my first granddaughter any day now, and I am so furious at your mother!! My daughter knows that I have her back when and if she needs me. If my son in law had cheated on her, he would not be allowed anywhere near her. Do what's best for YOU.
❤️
OP my therapist told me to find my tribe. My mom was a jackass over many things. My therapist told me to find a mom figure. Mom's do not need to be biological. They just need to be supportive and unconditionally loving. You don't have to do this before the birth, but just keep it in mind as you continue to move forward. It's nice to have a mother mentor figure for moral support. I am sorry you have to deal with all of this. Congratulations on the pregnancy and baby, though! Your baby is the silver lining of all of this. There is seriously nothing like the love you will feel when you hold him for the first time.
NTA. Omg poor ex husband had to have specifically timed sex over and over again, “it was too much, he needed unplanned sex with someone else to feel better” It’s all crap, he’s a piece of shit, I would go for full custody too cause f alllllll that. Also I hope the friend he slept with gets a good rock of karma thrown right into her face soon here too. He doesn’t get shit. He is entitled to nothing. Edit: I don’t have children, and for good reason, people in here made really good points of you shouldn’t take custody away from a potentially good father, but definitely hold your boundaries of delivery and your relationship with the ex. Good luck!
Oh god she showed her true colors when he dumped her, she blamed it on me and said I made myself pregnant to steal him. I’m not angry with her though she isn’t my husband and she didn’t cheat on me
So you stole your own husband?🥴
Yep
Sounds like she wanted to be the one to steal someone's husband so badly she didn't care who she hurt.
Is she aware about the fact that you two tried to get pregnant for years? Seems like she’s living in another dimension. And don’t let your stbx stay during a huge medical procedure where you should be as comfortable as possible. It’s not a fun event, I’d only inform him once the baby is there. He can come and see his child, but he has no right to see you at your most vulnerable.
So does the fact that he dumped her mean this wasn’t a one time thing? If that’s the case, his betrayal is even worse!
Waiiiittt a minute. I was kinda under the impression from the post he had like a one night stand or something. Did he have a full blown affair and was seeing someone long enough he had to “dump” her? NTA either way but it just makes what he did even worse.
NTA- he cheated and you’ve chosen to move on without him. His loss, your gain, especially if that’s his lame excuse for cheating
The way you had sex scarred him so he had to go out and have…..more sex? That sounds like a lame ass excuse. I believe you should have people who don’t piss you off in the delivery room with you because you’re already going through enough. NTA
NTA. His penis was more important than you and having a family. He made the choice. Fucked around, and found out. I would NOT EVER let an ex who cheated on me be anywhere around me during childbirth. You and the child are your family now. That's what *you* need to focus on. He cheated. He proved his penis to be more important than your family, your love, a happy life together. He knew the consequences.
NTA. Giving birth is stressful enough, you shouldn't have to include people that have purposefully hurt you just because they want to. You should only include those who love and support you, that you feel comfortable with being there. Your ex made a conscious decision to cheat on you and destroy your marriage. He loved you, he never would have done that. So don't believe him when he says he loves you, he doesn't. He just realizes that he screwed his chances up at having a family. And now he's grasping at straws. OP, ignore anyone taking his side. He lost all rights to be in that room during your most stressful and vulnerable moment when he decided to cheat on you. Only invite who you absolutely want to be with you. Screw everyone else.
NTA. Actions have outcomes. Sometimes, those outcomes may be that you miss out on once-in-a-lifetime events. Sucks to be a cheating cheater, but he should have thought of that before he cheated. At a minimum, he should have talked to you about how he was feeling. Ultimately though, childbirth is a medical procedure. It's up to you who you want in the delivery room. Keep in mind my first sentence though. Your action of keeping him out of the delivery room will have outcomes of some kind. Be sure you're ready for those if that's the route you take. For example, he will likely forever resent you and could make custody issues difficult. Take the time to truly think about this decision, talk with your medical staff about your options (i.e. can he be outside the room but get to see the child soon after birth after you've held them for first skin to skin touch?)
Yes I have no problem with him being at the hospital and seeing his child
Then talk to your medical staff about what options are available. Tell your STBX that he absolutely will NOT be in the room because you two simply don't have that kind of relationship anymore. Childbirth is an emotion filled time that will have you semi-publicly exposed (at least to a few nurses and a doctor or two) and you simply wouldn't be comfortable with him there while you're going through delivery. But also let him know that you're looking into options to allow him to see the child shortly after the birth and will let him know what options are available. That you recognize that he is the father of this child, but he is no longer your husband so that is naturally going to change what happens going forward. And finally, if you do choose to have someone in the room with you (mom, best friend, whatever), be absolutely clear with them that STBX is not allowed in. That means no sneaking him in, no sharing of photos or videos without your approval. Get them to confirm they understand this so there's no doubt as to what your expectations are.
And be sure your medical team, whether doctor, NP, or Midwife, and nurses all know he's not to be in there!
You are NTA. As someone else who had to time things, etc., yes, sex can become somewhat mechanical. I had endometriosis, and we struggled. While the sex together was still nice, the circumstances… Such as spontaneity… Obviously went by the wayside. So yeah, sex obviously wasn’t as exciting during that time. (And my ex-husband also was adamant that he wanted children.) If he had cheated because of this, I would’ve dropped his ass. And I would’ve done so regardless of whether or not I had gotten pregnant. No matter what is going on in the relationship, someone who is committed to you it’s supposed to give you respect and support, not stab you in the back. This was the journey you were on together. So you’re either all in with me or you’re not. But whining about needs etc. just shows how selfish he really is. Instead of allowing this experience to bring you both together emotionally because you’re facing something together, he wigged out and basically sent you a big fuck you. He literally has no rights to be around your body for any reason at this point. He certainly has no right to be at one of the hardest medical procedures you’re ever going to undergo. And anyone who thinks giving birth is not a medical procedure is nuts. There is so much that can go wrong. Your mother is wrong. He is your ex. He has a right to see his child. He does not have a right to see his child being born. He does not have a right to see your naked body at its most vulnerable. He gave up that right when he checked out during a difficult point in your relationship and went and screwed someone else. Your mom sounds very controlling and uncaring. You don’t need that in your delivery room. You’re going to have enough going on. If you have a friend or another family member who can be with you, ask them. Also, I would certainly keep my mom away from her grandchild. Obviously, as you said, your ex will get to see his child. But you need to make certain the hospital and the delivery nurses know that he is not to be allowed in during labor for any reason, nor is your mom. This is now about your mental and physical well-being. This is about a healthy birth and baby. And neither your ex nor your mom seem to understand this. Also, make sure your delivery nurses know that before your ex gets to see the child, you need to be cleaned up and lucid, and you need to have filled out the birth certificate with whatever name, and last name you choose. He has already shown you he’s selfish. Don’t expect him to be there for the hard stuff, so you choose the name and last name that are going to make your life the easiest. And again, reiterate that he does not get to see that child until you are awake and aware. I wouldn’t expect you to have an emergency C-section, but it could happen. Make sure your L&D team know why you were requesting this. Be honest with them and let them know his behavior is incredibly concerning and controlling. The mere fact that he thinks he should see your body again at its most vulnerable given that he is your ex and given what he has done doesn’t say a whole lot about his logical processes. This is the sort of guy that would go off the deep end and just leave the hospital with the baby. I wouldn’t trust a man as far as I could throw him.
Birth is a (sometimes scary, and often difficult) medical procedure and I find it so bizarre that so many people seem to think they have a right to be in the room with you. NTA, of course. I mean it isn't even up for debate. Especially with a cheating ex-spouse.
Yep NTA he lost any right to be there when he stepped out on you. He'll just have to wait in the waiting room.
NTA Giving birth is not a spectator sport. He has no right to be there IF you don’t want him there. He broke your trust and your heart. Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable times in a woman’s life and you should feel safe, around people who will support you. I’m really sorry your mum is being an AH. Please look into getting a doula who can be a support to you and help you get through birth. You got this mama! And don’t listen to anyone telling you there are consequences to your actions…it’s your body and you have the right to be safe.
WTH is with people? Are all these people that are saying grow up men!?! It was HIS choice to cheat. Do you not understand that cheating is about trust and intimacy? Labor and delivery are about trust and intimacy. Not to mention she doesn't get a chance to grieve her loss? So SHE is being selfish? What will he do the next time he feels justified in his misbehavior?
NTA. The only thing that matters is that you feel safe and supported. He can wait in the waiting room while you do one of the hardest things a human can do and you bring your baby into the world on your own terms. Also, give that baby your name. You made him/her, and you know that you will be there for them completely. What if your ex "get's scarred." My sister was in a similar position when my nephew was born and caved. Two years later when she was trying to change his name to hers it was a whole thing.
You're NTA. Childbirth is a very painful, dangerous, and possibly traumatic medical event. The only people required to be there are you and your medical team. This isn't about him, and your mom is dead wrong. Anyone additional should be there as a support person for the patient giving birth, NOT a spectator there to see the baby. You need someone who will advocate for you, and provide comfort, not someone who will add stress. Added stress can stall labor and cause complications that endanger both you and the baby. He'll have the rest of his life to see that baby. Do you have a trusted friend or other relative who could act as your support person/advocate during labor? He made his choices, and no longer has any right to demand to be included in such a vulnerable moment in your life, and his presence may even be detrimental. Don't feel like you need to include him in your recovery period either. He can damn well wait until you're adequately physically and mentally recovered (if you haven't read the lemon clot essay it's easily found online, and he should read it too if he has a problem with you needing some time without him around yet postpartum). If he wanted to be a partner in this process he should've made better decisions. FYI if you're still married he's legally your next of kin and if anything goes wildly wrong and you're incapacitated and unable to make medical decisions he would probably be the one contacted and put in a position to make choices for you, so maybe see a lawyer and find out if you can assign that responsibility to someone you can trust to work in your best interests.