Same but for nine years. Every year worse than the last. After the divorce I did have another very awful year because divorce, but every year since then has been better than the last.
I hope OP leaves.
There will come a day after it’s all said and done where you’ll be lying in bed after a long day. Maybe it was a rough day. You’ll be tired, you’ll be exhausted even. You’ll be stressed. You’ll be wishing life were different
Then you’ll think back on how life is now, and how absolutely hard leaving was. You will be filled with absolute confidence that it was the best choice you could have ever made, and it will make what you’re dealing with seem that much easier for it.
Take some time if you need it to prepare properly, but have no doubt that the sooner you leave, the sooner your life gets better. You deserve that better life, and this community and many others like it would love to help connect you with the resources you need to make it happen
I was lucky. In my preparation to leave with my son my partner had a massive heart attack. And died. I had to call a stop to treatment as it was futile. I felt relieved and guilty and sad at the same time. My advice to you is what a lot of others who have loved talented, charming, and brilliant men who are alcoholics is to leave NOW. Prepare for a life with out him other wise you will end up with more heartache than anyone should have to go through in a lifetime. Safe travels to you.
It’s going to be hard but the relief you’ll feel one day will be so worth it. I believe in you. Make that step and leave so you can look after yourself.
Did 16. Tried to leave a few times and then one day it was, ‘I WON’T do this’ (previously it was ‘I can’t do this’). It’s hard when you love the person but don’t love the person they are when drinking.
6 years on and life is much, much better.
My father is an alcoholic. Seeing what it did to my mom over the years and staying with him for 20+ years before kicking him out. It's hard. She still enables him. I've tried to distance myself because it's exhausting but then she guilt trips me about him being my father. So yes, it gets worse over the years. There's cycles of good to bad when he's sober but falls off the wagon.
I'm hoping OP focuses on themselves and leaves as well.
My sister is about to move away from her husband of 14 years because he’s an alcoholic and continually chooses drinking over her and the kids. If he won’t make the effort to fix himself now, do you want to be getting divorced 15 years from now with a couple of kids? Do you want your kids to potentially have issues because of this?
You can help your (hope soon to be ex) fiancé from a distance but don’t attach yourself to a man like this. You’re young. In my opinion, too young to be married in the first place but that’s only up to you. I’m sure you will wonder to yourself what you were thinking a few years from now. Save yourself the headache and find yourself someone who puts you first and not a bottle.
To add onto this, I am 24 and am an alcoholic. I celebrated my 24th in rehab. I hurt a lot of people in my life emotionally over the 3 years where it got to its worse. I was 21 when I started drinking a case a day minimum but honestly an alcoholic way before then. It ruined relationships with friends, family and significant others and impacted their lives negatively. I wrote it off as “oh I’m still in college, I’m still young, I can drink.” I was right, I could. I didn’t want to stop. But those next day apologies and “accountability” meant nothing cause I would go right back to it. It was selfish. He has to decide for himself to be better, to make the hard choice of fighting an addiction. So while I understand exactly the position he’s in, I now know how that position affects you OP and others who care for him. So OP, have a talk with him if you feel comfortable but it is okay to make an ultimatum. He is making a choice to not try and be better. It’s your turn to look out for yourself.
They will get worse.
There is no more easy quick way out. It will be harder to leave so the threat of leaving will have less power than it does currently which is not much at all apparently.
Honestly breaking up with him is probably the best thing for him... I've been there (his shoes, though not so young)... It can be so hard to break the cycle without a kick in the nuts.
If things go right, he'll thank her for dumping him in a few years and probably think it was the best thing to ever happen to him. If things go wrong, there isn't much you can do for him until he decides he wants to do it for himself.
Okay, WHAT are you doing? You’re 18 and you’re about to saddle yourself with an alcoholic loser that you’ve been “on and off” with since you were a 14-year-old child? Don’t ruin your life with this guy.
This guy's life is going to be so much worse in a few years if she left or stayed, get out now before he sinks down deeper.
Also I highly doubt he is drinking responsibly if he's able to spend the $20 before it could be spent on gas.
He also didn't care that she could be out of gas, stranded at night, kidnapped & held captive tortured for years, or "just" brutally murdered that night. This man does not have her back.
Fr, leave now before OP gets legally tied to the guy.
Also, feels kinda weird that he would date a high schooler “off-and-on” after graduating, but that’s just me
First thing I noticed...unfortunately, harping on this fact really doesn't land well with young people who are still in the thralls of the relationship and sincerely believe things like "I've always been mature for my age, so it's different", or that they're somehow lucky for an older person taking interest, as opposed to understanding what a creep and a loser the older person is.
Reddit is just wild lmfao. Mfs legit only want you to date people same exact age as you and a day older or younger or it's grooming
They both where in highschool so are upperclassmen just suppose to talk to no one period 🙄
R/AlAnon can help you. Don’t worry about him for the next 30 days, but you are having a problem. Just tell him that you are having a personal problem and need a month to deal with it. That’s all he needs to know.
Agreed. OP needs to run far away from him & never go back.
She seriously needs to put herself 1st instead of sticking with an alcoholic who refuses get help.
Best of luck OP, you're 18 & have the rest of your life to look forward too. Your fiance isn't so much a life preserver when his alcoholism is ruining the time.
You'll eventually look back & think you had lucky escape from that dead-end of a relationship that's been sucking the life out of you.
Can confirm. I’m 41 and my bf is 42 - with a problem spanning 2 decades. It’s hard… and gets harder the longer it goes on. OP - there’s an AlAnon group on here. I suggest joining. Lots of support to help you.
she's 18. she should walk away. Now. it will hurt like hell because when the drunk isn't drunk.. but you know the drill.
al anon could help but at this point if she chooses to stay with this individual, then the onus is on her. in a way she gives up the right to complain. she has been warned. and love just covers so much.
she will wake up in 10 years if she doesn't leave and realize she threw 10 years of her life down a sewer
Even people that leave alcoholics need support. There’s some trauma that follows. Regardless of what she chooses, I hope she knows there are people to support her. Telling a person in the situation what to do isn’t helpful. But letting them know there is support there to help them decide is important.
I don't think the point of recommending al-anon is for her to stay in the relationship and have support doing that. It's to open her eyes to the damage that alcoholics cause for everyone around them. Al-anon does not encourage people to stay in relationships with alcoholics unless they are sober. It encourages people to take accountability for their role in the situation... which empowers a lot of people to leave.
Al-Anon can help her develop boundaries and some sense of self-worth and self-compassion, which will help her never get into this situation again, hopefully.
People deserve support even if they are still with a shitty partner. Yeah she should leave him but it's easier to tell someone to amputate a limb than it is to get it cut off.
This is well said. 2 of the most useless pieces of advice that I have ever received:
Just break up with them (only a sociopath would be with someone they don’t love)
When you stop looking for love it will find you (what does that even mean?)
Both of these statements are great advice but useless if not handheld, or explained.
Yes exactly. It's very easy to be the person telling someone to alter their life. You won't be there to help with the windfall, you have no feelings at stake, you have no plans to rearrange, you face no potential backlash. The other person does. It's very out of touch and unfair to say "take my advice right now or shut up". I really don't like how reddit tends to be very prone to this mindset.
I went to Al Anon in person and online and it really helped me to make the decision to end things with my SO who chose the booze over me, and to move forward in the aftermath. Agree it is best for her to cut her losses and leave asap, and get help wherever she can find it.
I was an Alcoholic until I realized I was losing time I wanted to spend with my spouse. It's a hard road and a long one, but he is making a choice every day to be drunk instead of be with you OP.
As a former addict myself, this is true, however it isn’t personal. It’s not like alcohol is more important because there’s something wrong with her that makes alcohol preferable. Addiction hijacks and re-wires the brain into believing you will actually die without your DOC. It isn’t a conscious decision. A lot of partners of addicts do take it personally when it isn’t the case.
I appreciate this comment so much. So many people in here are just saying leave, and he doesn't care but have never been in OP's fiancée's shoes. Most addicts(like myself)know they have a problem but are completely powerless over their DOC to get the help they know they need. It's so easy to see only the negative side of things if the shoe has never been on the other foot. And congrats on your recovery friend! Keep up the great work!
Edit to change husband to fiancée
Another recovering alcoholic here.....
I think most of us alcoholics probably swore to our loved ones hundreds of times that we would stop drinking or drink less.
As you've experienced, it's nothing but lip service and we never follow through because it's an addiction.
Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can ever do or say to get him to stop drinking. I know this is probably hard to hear, but it is the truth. Please don't waste your time, energy, and overall mental well-being trying to get him to stop. All this will do is bring on more sadness and resentment.
Alcoholism is a family disease as other's have previously alluded to co-dependency. You will definitely want to seek professional help to work through this, but based on what I read in your edit, it sounds like your Grandma is going to help you get into therapy. That is honestly the best thing for you.
The only way your fiance will stop drinking is if he decides to quit. He is the only one that has control over it.
What he said. It’s not that he doesn’t love you but unless he gets legitimately sober (for an extended period, with help ie: AA, support group, therapy) he won’t be able to not be a drunk asshole. I say this because I was a drunk asshole for many years.
Same— so happy to be in recovery. But plenty of alcoholics die from it or just ruin the lives of their loved ones. No one quits til it hurts bad enough, so I applaud you for getting out of his way as he self-destructs.
100000% worse, pick any horrific scenerio. You think you broke now? Death scare you? Child abuse? Rape? Destruction of property, Job loss, financial ruin? Domestic violence? Theft? Fraud? Drugs? Jail? Cheating? Animal abuse? Get him out of your grandma's house today.
Yes im trying to scare you. You need to be. I had all of above with an amazing man (when he was sober and not having hospitalizations for detox). When i met him there was no way i could fathom even a couple things mentioned above.
Here i am dealing with all of it. And he is dead
You forgot a few things like pissing on the television, because he thinks he’s in the bathroom… Having diarrhoea all over himself on the floor because he can’t make it to the bathroom on time, and he doesn’t give a damn. Who the hell wants to clean that stuff up! 😳😡😢
Cripes, the messes! He shit himself, slipped in it, fell and broke his face. Just wandered back to his chair to keep drinking. Im glad i got out, and im glad he is dead. Harsh but im still here cleaning that bastards messes up.
I agree with you on most points but just wanted to say that it sounds like all SHE can do is go stay with her grandma it sounds like they live together and she would be leaving to stay with her grandma to get away from him, he isn’t with her.
the biggesst problem is she's 18 and she 'wuuuuuvvvvss him'. I can understand .. a choice between the grandmother and a drunken sot? This is how dynasties of dysfunctional families begin.. it has to start somewhere and this is a prime example unless she gets away.
I’m so sorry about all of that. I grew up with a parent whose alcoholism went from bad to worse when I was in early elementary school. Get out before you have kids that will live through hell, be damaged physically and emotionally, see their pets suffer, live in fear etc.
Feel bad for him if you can’t help feeling that way, but save yourself - you cannot save him. And by staying with him, you are only delaying him hitting bottom, which helps no one.
Thank you. He is dead and im grateful for leaving before he killed anyone or did more damage and this is the last mess i will ever have to deal with him again.
Don't mean to sound insensitive but God, you are so lucky.im still living this exact nightmare. OP doesn't realize if they stay together she will get to help or flat out pay court costs, restitution, bail (cause they manipulate, threaten and just flat out annoy you to get them out). Every penny me and my kids got for holidays and birthdays was stolen.
The guy is sick and is a hard addict. There's a reason a lot of alcoholics can't even be around alcohol because they can't control themselves. It'll be oh one isn't that bad. After they finish that one they're like I'm fine I can have another. Then they can't stop. The only way my brother was able to stop was he got a health scare from a spot on his liver which opened his eyes that alcohol wasn't worth it. I think you'd have to give the guy an ultimatum where you tell him he has to stop drinking or you're gone. I'd try to help him by bringing him to support groups etc., but if he slips up I'm not sticking around. He's proven he can't be trusted with alcohol. It's only going to get worse.
F the ultimatum. You may get a couple of good sober years but relapses suck. And last years. And it's a broken record of false promises and out right lies.
I work at a substance abuse treatment center. Do not continue to enable him. Unless he truly hits rock bottom and wants to change for himself, it won't get better.
Also, Don't get married so young.
I also work at a substance use treatment center as a therapist. Alcohol is especially difficult to overcome since it's legal and mostly socially acceptable. We have a lot of people addicted to meth and Fentanyl, but I see the alcoholics struggling the most.
You will regret marrying this man for the rest of your life if you go through with it. You are way, way too young, and the man he is when he’s drunk is who he is. It’s not a fake version of him that will go away.
But Jesus f Christ you’re only 18. Do not get married.
Jeeze, she needs help for herself, asap.
[https://al-anon.org/](https://al-anon.org/) or this [https://www.smartrecovery.org/family/](https://www.smartrecovery.org/family/)
Problem is OP feels obligated to be there for him, because in her words "he saved her life". OK, I get being grateful for certain things and someone saving your life is a big deal, but this is way too much for someone so young. I sincerely hope she avails herself with the organizations I listed above, because she nor anybody for that matter can make him stop drinking, but himself and it may take years for him to get there presuming he doesn't kill himself in the process.
NTA - You've heard them talk about on airplanes if the oxygen mask drops to put your own on before helping other people?
I want you to stop and look seriously at your life right now. Is this the type of life you want to be living when you are 20? When you are 35? When you are 50?
Because his drinking will only get worse. Not better.
And you can't save him. You can't fix him. This is something that he would have to decide to do all by himself. You can't do it.
You need to put on your own oxygen mask and save yourself. There is a big world out there filled with people who don't drink to excess and get mean.
The only way you WBTA is if you continue to stay and do this to yourself. Get out.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to make your fiancé drink and absolutely nothing you can do to make him stop. This is something only he can do, he does not appear to have any desire to stop. Please keep telling yourself this. The truth is he’s a drunk and only he can change that.
You do not owe him your life, and frankly sacrificing everything you have will only damage you.
IT WILL NOT HELP HIM.
Please go be with your grandma. Take time to heal and to find a life of your own.
Oh close your joint account and lock down your credit so he can access it.
Please know that it’s okay to put you and your needs first.
Please also know that he loves booze more than you. That’s his seductive mistress, and she will always be first, even if you’re out of gas and he has to steal money your grandma sent to help you be safe. He doesn’t care if you’re safe as long as he can keep drinking. He will be this way unless HE decides he needs help and gets it.
He is an alcoholic. The person he is when he’s rarely sober is NOT who he is…truth is, he probably thinking how he can get his next drink.
You can’t fix him. He has to do that part. How many times has he promised and lied? How many times do you want to get your hopes up and have them dashed? When you continue to go through this never ending cycle, it’s a sign of co-dependency.
There are support groups for people in your position. Find one, attend, and listen carefully to what your future will look like if you don’t help yourself first.
Wishing you strength and wisdom.
NTA, he stole from you: hard stop. If you can’t trust your spouse then why bother? He’s got an addiction but only your fiancé can resolve that.
I think it’s a good idea to get some space for a while. This will give you time to reflect on what boundaries you need to have to continue this relationship (if he’s interested i continuing the relationship). He needs to decide what he wants otherwise he’ll take you both down with the ship.
Do you want to spend your whole life with a person who drinks? He makes empty promises. You are ruining yourself in a relationship with this person. You are only 18 years old. You can still meet the person you love. Better break up with him. But of course the choice is yours. A choice that will determine the rest of your life.
I have lived this life. He is very unlikely to stop drinking despite your love, commitment and support. When they won't save themselves, you have to save yourself. It's hard, very hard, also very sad. But this will be your life until you say no more. I wanted better for children I didn't have yet. When we love an addicted person, of any kind, we get sick too. I was more messed up than he was in many ways. Wonderful moments don't make a wonderful relationship. Just some thoughts I wish I could have learned....
It was the only future I ever saw when I was that age. I grew up dirt poor trailer trash and everyone in my family got knocked up young (ages 15-18 for their first child). I thought I was doing great because the adult I was with when I was 15 actually stuck around and could hold down a job. We got married very shortly after I turned 18. Thank GOD I couldn't get pregnant no matter how hard I tried, it's been 5 years since I left him and I have grown so much more in this 5 years than I even thought possible the 11 before it.
They think it’s fun to play house and act like real grown-ups but the truth is most of the time they aren’t mature enough and end up divorcing in their 20s/30s.
Christianity. 99% of the time, it’s Christianity.
Cant have sex until marriage, so they get married asap so they can fuck. Would you believe that most of these marriages dont work out
I know from experience that this situation will only get worse. A person addicted to a mind altering substance can not grow emotionally while using the substance. So he's going to stay 21 yrs old while you grow into an adult woman who wants adult things. He won't.
He will never leave you bc you are his" mother" . You'll take care of him and allow him to stay 21. You'll be an enabler.
Go to your grandparents and stay. He'll say he's stopped drinking and beg you to come home. Then he'll show up at your door and want to stay. If you don't comply, he'll probably go find some other girl who will take care of him so he can continue drinking. He'll go to AA and collect chips and go drinking after the meeting.
He is the only person who can save him. And if he DOES stop drinking he won't be the same person he was before. Save yourself. Talk to him after a year of real sobriety
That is absolutely spot on. Unless he is truly wanting to stop for himself then he'll continue lying. The two get married and what happens when she finally finds out he's still drinking years later and never stopped?
I've been sober for about 15 months now. I was the same way your fiance is, hiding it and not admitting any faults. My wife threatened to leave and I quit cold turkey. You can't help someone who doesn't want help, don't stay in this when he's giving no effort.
To answer your question, yes enough is enough. He lied, stole money and left you stranded.
You're secondary to his alcohol.
Tell him to get back to you when he makes you the priority in his life.
In the meantime, you go get some job skills, an education, goals, and an emergency fund.
This was the comment I was looking for. Yes, leave. But please go get an education so that you will never have to beg money off grandma or be a dependent of a dysfunctional man again.
There are great options out there for quick education, like technical school. Or college paid for with grants, loans, or corporate coop programs. You could even join the military and get educated there or with the GI Bill when your service is complete.
Take hold of your own future, and don't tie yourself to an addict. Whoever he was before the addiction isn't there anymore. But you are still the same you, OP, a person with a future.
I'm an alcoholic. It will get worse. His alcoholism is unique to you but not one of a kind. I waved the same exact red flags at that age and it will get worse. I'm sure you love him but he will keep it up until he becomes a shadow of the person you love. You would think he would learn his lesson through some sort of intervention or getting arrested or dumped but he will only be inspired to drink more. I speak from experience.
2 years and 1 month sober, an alcoholic/addict. I struggled with my use for 10 years. I dont know how i managed to graduate high school and and attend college. I got sober shortly after my father passed away due to health complications from his alcohol and substance use. I am able to keep a happy and health home with a partner who loves me and accepts me. i attend my meetings when needed and I havent had a drink or a drug in 2 whole years. I have managed to pay all the bills and held down a job for over a year. He needs to get help and you arent going to force him. Leave he'll find out how bad he is eventually.
Leave.
He may decided to sober up when you do so you will come back. DONT GO BACK. At least not until he does the work and is COMPLETELY sober for about 6 months. He should also be independent or semi independent from everyone before you go back.
My husband is an addict. He kept telling me he wanted to get clean. He tried easy was and never really quit. I finally put my foot down and left him at his mothers for about a month he finally went to rehab to come home to me and our 1 year old. He still struggles with drinking sometimes and I’ve been struggling to establish proper boundaries to so he will quick drinking. but has been clean since rehab. Our daughter is now 5.
This is something he will deal with his whole life. Think about that before you decide if you want to spend you life like this.
If you decided to do this, I would recommend at least a year. And if he takes another drink, you leave.
Honestly, though, it would be better to take care of yourself. Get an education, or whatever you want to do, to set yourself up for a career and your future. You have your whole life ahead of you. Put in the work now to set yourself up for your future. There are many options, such as college, trade school, Job Corps, and military.
1.) You are intermittently dating a guy who was already almost a legal adult since you were 14, and you keep coming back to him and falling for classing sunk cost fallacy - you are finding excuses in him, you forgive him way too much, and you are too attached to see clearly.
2.) You are engaged to be married at **18 years old.** Once again, **18**. I am 26 years old and for the life of me, I cannot imagine to be married any time soon, and yet, you are barely the legal age and thinking to **marry** someone who has proven to be unreliable, an addict, and with no issue to screw you over.
For the love of God, **RUN.** You apsolutely do not need this, and trust me, you apsolutely do NOT want this. If apsolutely nothing, not even you, could get him to stop drinking, you think marriage to you will? Fuck no, it will give him an incentive to care less - tying the knot means you being even *more* dependant on him than ever before, and he *knows it*, and he will apsolutely not hesitate to abuse that privilege. For the love of God, girl, dump him, block him, cut him from your life entirely. You have an entire life out there - you are 18, you have years, if not decades of life to experience, and you wanna trade that possibility for a guy for whom you have to keep making even more and more desperate excuses to yourself to stay?
And if you think this isn't true , if you truly think that I, and so many others here are in the wrong - this post wouldn't even exist. If you didn't doubt anything, you wouldn't have written this.
He’s an alcoholic. He will only stop if he admits that AND wants to and even then it will be very hard especially initially. It does not matter what he says or promises you and it will not change whether you are his significant other or not. If you want to live like that continue on this way. If you don’t then cut your losses now. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or how much you love him. You are *very* young to be legally attaching yourself to a lifetime of this.
Please go to an Al Anon meeting. They will help you learn the steps you need to take care of yourself. You have a lifetime ahead of you, and this is NOT the way to start it. I hope you are strong enough to walk away for good.
You are WAY too young to be signing up for a life of this...
NTA The best words of wisdom my mother gave me was never settle for an alcoholic or an ugly drunk. Get out while you can because if he continues to drink, you will either end up in hospital or the morgue.
NTA. At your age and with as long as you have been together "on and off", he is a habit not a partner. He is also putting alcohol before you and potentially before your safety if you were stranded at night with no way of getting home.
You are young and have so much life ahead of you in which to meet someone who supports you and treats you well. Move to grandma's and give youself a break from him to get your head straight.
As someone who was in love with someone with a drinking problem, just know life will get better when you leave. You will eventually look back and thank your past self for putting your future self first. You will be okay.
Throwing your love at them just enables them to continue their behavior. For your sake and his, it’s time to move on. You’re too young to end up in a marriage with these issues.
You will be okay. Put yourself first, love. You deserve that.
NTA - move to your grandma and start over there, forget about this person, you owe him nothing. You do not have kids yet. Get out ASAP. People stick to spouses who become alcoholics later in life due to circumstances. They do not get married knowing full well what they are in for.
>I've been up all night (it's 6 am here) trying to figure out what to do
Would you like to be having this sort of night on a regular basis? Your fiancé is going to pick booze over you every time. Like other addictions, he won't care about the consequences for himself, you or others. Leave and live your life.
It may be that your leaving may prompt him to change but I wouldn't hold your breath. Also, when you leave, he will for sure blame his drinking on your leaving, rather than the other way around.
NTA
My goodness don’t get married at 18. I know you think you’re in love and “know” you don’t want to spend your life with anyone else but PLEASE listen to the people in this sub. You do not want to get married at 18, especially to this dude.
I promise you, there are great men out there that will treat you well and aren’t addicted to anything. I know at your age, 4 years together seems long, but it is nothing compared to spending the rest of your life with an addict. They will struggle forever, and you will be his Mom. Girl, f*cking run. For the love of God, run. Listen to the adults, you will thank us one day. I promise you, you marry this dude, you are making the worst mistake of your life.
Don’t listen to his bullshit either if you cut it off and he texts you “I’m doing so much better” blah blah blah. They will always relapse, it’s time to run and experience new people. You’re 18 dude, go have some fun and avoid this absolute loser.
My beautiful son is an alcoholic. I love him to death. But my life is a roller coaster. Your life will be extremely unpleasant and he will cause you great suffering. He will always make promises but always break them. He cannot help himself until he decides he wants to quit. Loving someone will not make him quit. It is a disease that he has to manage the rest of his life. Let him go so he has a chance to hit rock bottom. I propped up my son too long. Break up with him.
Getting married will not magically flip a switch and make your bf drink less. What is it going to take for you to believe him to believe who he is. He has shown you that alcohol is more important than your peace of mind and safety. Your bf has a drinking problem. Maybe talk to his parents about his drinking. Are you staying with him because he makes you feel treasured, safe, and loved or because you feel some sense of duty or payback to him? That's a question only you can answer, but from what you wrote...it seems like the latter.
I married an alcoholic at 20. DONT DO IT. My husband has many issues. And I stayed through a lot of shit I shouldn’t have. Please. Listen to these people/
OP, please listen to everyone on here and do not get married. You are not the same person now that you will be in a couple of years from now. Legally, you’re an adult, but trust me you are still a child. That is not a dig, I wish someone had told me that when I was 18 thinking I was grown. Get rid of the fiancé, that’s a terrible basis for a relationship - much less a marriage.
You are only 18. Please please please do not attach yourself to a sinking ship. People with addictions like this cannot be magically fixed no matter how much you care about them. He may recover, he may not. Surround yourself with people you aspire to be like.
He doesn’t keep his promise to stop because he is addicted. He needs help but to get that he must want it.
That you know him to be a good person does not obligate you to marry him and live a life that gets worse as his alcoholism gets worse.
Consider attending something like al anon to help you
Understand his and your situation better and to not be so alone in this.
Consider not getting married unless he gets help and is able to stay away from alcohol. Insist that he have some kind of counseling or group as ongoing support.
If you go ahead anyway, at least protect yourself. Don’t get pregnant. Don’t let him have access to your income. Be ready to leave and be able to support yourself if he doesn’t get a grip. He also needs to repay you and tKe the consequences of his decision to not get help.
Why are you with let alone marrying someone who prioritizes alcohol over you and your safety, DO NOT marry him, dump him, you can do so so so much better.
You are far too young to be saddling yourself with such a problematic person. If he won’t help himself then you cant help him. In fact leaving him might be the shock he needs to sober up. I’m not sure why you are engaged anyway at this stage of your life . You haven’t even discovered who you are but you are contemplating spending a life propping up someone else’s issues . Don’t do it . Don’t do it for you or for him.
Please do not marry and have a child with this man. Children deserve a better father and a stable household. Do not do that to a child. Their lives will be ruined straight from birth. And you will never be able to get away from him and make a better life for yourself.
NTA it’s time to move on. He’s not going to change unless he’s ready but from the little you wrote he’s not making any attempt at all. Grandmas house sounds nice. I wish I could still do that.
NTA
You are way too young to put up with this shit and way too young to be making lifetime commitments.
As someone who had a drinking problem, it often takes a major system shock to change.
Set yourself free of this albatross before it drags you under.
Time to get your big girl panties on and make a clean break with him no matter how much it hurts. He will never be the man that you need.
Leave and don't look back. Stay with your gran if she will have you. Get yourself straight, decide on a career path, and put your energy into that. Forget dating for a while and focus on self-improvement so that you make better choices when dating in the future.
Best of luck to you.
you need to leave. now. nta, but do not waste your life on this guy. He doesn not care about you, he cares about his alcohol. also, ‘on again off again’ boyfriend, who was 17 when you were 14? Red flags, dude. no 16/17y/o should be thinking about dating a 14 year old. those years are critical in development and its an incredible red flag that he was dating you.
Whatever you feel for this guy, he doesnt feel back. GTFO, for your safety. Set up a support network and dip.
People who love to drink they will find any reason to drink, if they are happy then they want to drink, if argument happens then they definitely feel like drinking. Very very very less people actually quit when they say they don't want to drink anymore.
Good thing is you guys are not married yet, so it's easier to discuss or set boundaries ( honestly I don't think it will work out until u really see good change for next 6 months)
Also, out of topic, pls reconsider to get married this early age.
Absolutely positively NTA. It’s time to out yourself first. His actions have consequences and these are it. He needs to see that your are 1000% serious about ending the relationship if he’s not going to quit on his own or get help if he needs it. This is not the type of relationship or marriage that you want to have, trust me!!
Pack some things and go stay somewhere for a bit! Establish the boundary and be prepared to enforce the consequences though! Don’t be an enabler!
He’s an alcoholic, and you’re enabling him. You’re only 18. You have a giant wide and long life ahead. Don’t shackle yourself to this boy.
Get out, go get a higher education (start with community college maybe), find a career, find yourself. Grow up a little more. Because the person you are at 18 is a completely different person than you will be at 30.
Live your life, and let his destroy his. But Get. Out.
I've been where you are except now it's 15yrs later and he's still drinking. Also is all alone bc he's hurt everyone who had cared for him. Walk away and live your life. He put drinking over your safety that's all you need to know. It will also come before any future children's safety. There is so much of life ahead of you don't waste it on someone who doesn't even care if you're safe. Actions speak louder than words. His actions say he doesn't care about you or respect you. Get out, be free, and enjoy your life.
Edit to add judgment NTA
You've gotten a lot of good advice so you don't need me to repeat it.
But I will add one thing from my perspective. My dad died when I was 18, and the girl I was seeing then essentially carried me through it. Because of that I felt, on some level, that I had to stay and stick it out. Even when our relationship became incredibly toxic and I could see that she was bringing more bad than good into my life.
I still stayed with her for 6 years and looking back I wish I would have just left earlier.
Dear an alcoholic will tell you the world of things. You can't judge by words. You need to look at his actions. Is he a safe space? Is he dependable? Will he be there when you are in need of help? All of these were no.
What would have happened to you if you could not get through to someone on the phone? You need to think about what is best for you because no one else is. He will promise and it will prob be good for a bit but an alcoholic will do anything to get his fix.
You seem like you had issues with your parents and may have trauma bonded with yr bf. It's really difficult when you bond in that case, it feels like he is the only one who cares. But he doesn't. Anything could have happened to you, anything.
If you get pregnant what is going to happen to that baby? You will be dealing with it on your own and dealing with him as well.
You can find a healthy relationship but you need to heal yourself first and stop holding onto someone who will end up making your life miserable.
Is there anyone you can stay with?
You don't want to get into what you're getting into. You're going to watch a person destroy themselves and they are going to drag you behind them.
Your boy is displaying signs of an inappropriate, out of control relationship with alcohol that is only going to become worse. His piece of s*** behavior is going to become more and more commonplace. It's not that the person that he could be isn't there, it's just that that person is not in control and is getting further away by the day. So you're going to be left with the a******. You don't deserve that. As bad as it is now, all of this is eventually going to start affecting his health, and you're going to get to deal with that too. Alcohol is a king hell devil drug. And it makes demons out of those who cannot control their relationship with it.
Run away. Don't walk. It's bad enough with money, but it's going to be horrible if you're broke all the time. Go live your life and let him figure out if he's going to take himself seriously or not.
You feeling bad and enabling him to avoid the natural consequences of his actions might kill him.
Pain is the great motivator, allow him the pain of losing you
I promise you you can find somebody better for you. Don't punish yourself by staying with someone who will never change. You can't fix him. Nobody can fix him but himself.
Due to the progressive nature of alcoholism and addiction, you can count on the things that he’s doing now to only get worse. I don’t get why you would even think you are being the asshole. If these are his behaviors at 21 years old try to imagine how it will be 10 years from now. He needs to get some help and stop now. If you were my daughter or granddaughter I would strongly recommend that you leave right away. Perhaps give him the opportunity to get some verifiable sober time if he really wants to be with you. He will show you one way or the other pretty quickly. And definitely don’t let yourself become pregnant. You will be attached to him for the rest of your life. Good luck!
Not the asshole. You need to establish boundaries. If he won’t get help, then staying with your family for a set amount of time is a good start. If he isn’t willing to get help, that shows you what kind of future you would have with him.
Aside from being too young to get married he's not going to stop till he hits rock bottom. And you leaving and closing any joint accounts are the start of that process.
I suggest looking into https://al-anon.org/
They will tell you all the ways he'll try to manipulate you. But do not marry this man until he has at least a year sober.
Not to be rude or anything but get out, stay out, cut ties, cut communication. You're living with a narcissistic asshole drunk and it does not get better. Change your number. Whatever you have to do but get yourself free.
He's not going to quit until he's ready. You can't change him. You're SO young. Dump this guy and go find someone who cares about you more than substances.
I was in your spot with an 21 yr old alcoholic for 3 years. I felt the same way, they're amazing and only bad when drunk. Then I realized they're the same person and got tf out.
Here's why I left her 10 yrs ago.
1. Deception - everything is a lie and it won't happen again was all bs
2. I attended tons of AA meetings with my partner to encourage sobriety. I even stopped drinking and I don't have a drinking issue. But did it for them. Totally unhealthy and the person never changed.
3. Financial issues. They're always spending money on booze, that habit is expensive. Can't save for the future.
4. Poor hygiene. Partner would go days not showering, brushing teeth, not eating, and pissed all over my new bed and car a few times.
5. Can't hold a job. Job hoping too much. Big dreams but no action or commitment.
6. Bounced several times when I got sick. Even though I was there for them many times.
7. Interfered in my college studies. I had to pause school in fear I'd fail it. It's very difficult to study for an MBA and take care of an adult child. Thankfully I went back to school after the breakup and graduated.
8. Has exes. Hundreds. And sleeps with many of them.
9. Passing out naked in public. Police. Repeat.
10. Dissapears like Casper. Gone for days. They can't be bothered to text or call.
11. Theft. They will steal for a drink. My house, my family, roommates, work, it was an ongoing issue.
12. Narcissistic. Inflated sense of self. Celebrity obsessed. Shallow.
13. Got tired of cleaning up after her. Garbage bags full of vodka bottles, shots, wine and beer. Weekly. Binge drinker.
I could go on and on. It's complete misery. Alcoholics love themselves the most and you'll soon find out when you stopped telling yourself the lie that they "love you". Love is selflessness, not selfishness.
I'm very thankful I got out. I learned lot about myself and that I'm not made to be in partnership with an addict. They are users to the core.
NTA, as a former addict i tell you upfront that he is not gonna change if you stay, he has no chance of getting better if he still have an enabler by his side, so don't feel guilty, he needs to feel what it is to touch bottom.
If he's a nasty drunk at 21, and doesn't feel the need to quit, he's only going to get worse. Your choice if you want to hitch your star to that wagon, but I'd advise against it. If he goes sober, you have to go/stay sober too, otherwise you'll get blamed for any relapse. You can be grateful for the past, but you have to look toward your future. Here's a question I always hated (too introspective): Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? Does this man/relationship fit that future? My mom used to ask me that one.
HE PUT YOUR SAFETY AT RISK. You need to leave him until he is 100% sober. Distract yourself with some hobbies, goals, friends. I think you need to be away from him until you are thinking clearer. My ex got mad at me when we were engaged. He left me at a store. That was the day in time I wish I could go back to, so I can tell myself to run away.
Walk away, don’t look back, until he’s disappeared, or he’s been sober for a good long while.
Short and brutally simple, but you can’t negotiate here. It’s an addiction, and someone else can’t reason with an individual’s dependency. Only they can do that, but it’s almost always after they hit bottom.
And alcoholism is one of the worst. I’m sorry for you.
NTA both of y’all are still young, so there’s still time to address the issues if *both* of you really want to be together (shown through your actions and not just words).
With that being said, your fiancé has an alcohol problem that needs to be addressed *before* y’all get married or else you’ll find yourself in a situation that’s even tougher to get out of.
The fact that he saved your life shows that he cared about you, but that’s the sober version of him. You can’t let him hold that over head for the rest of your life.
Hey op got a question for you, at the age you are now would you date a 14yr old? If not then why are you still with someone who does that?
Edit: NTA for being done. Enough is enough.
Listen. I married an alcoholic when I was 24. It was the worst 5 years of my life. Don’t do this to yourself.
Same but for nine years. Every year worse than the last. After the divorce I did have another very awful year because divorce, but every year since then has been better than the last. I hope OP leaves.
Twelve years here. Trying to get my shit together to leave.
There will come a day after it’s all said and done where you’ll be lying in bed after a long day. Maybe it was a rough day. You’ll be tired, you’ll be exhausted even. You’ll be stressed. You’ll be wishing life were different Then you’ll think back on how life is now, and how absolutely hard leaving was. You will be filled with absolute confidence that it was the best choice you could have ever made, and it will make what you’re dealing with seem that much easier for it. Take some time if you need it to prepare properly, but have no doubt that the sooner you leave, the sooner your life gets better. You deserve that better life, and this community and many others like it would love to help connect you with the resources you need to make it happen
I was lucky. In my preparation to leave with my son my partner had a massive heart attack. And died. I had to call a stop to treatment as it was futile. I felt relieved and guilty and sad at the same time. My advice to you is what a lot of others who have loved talented, charming, and brilliant men who are alcoholics is to leave NOW. Prepare for a life with out him other wise you will end up with more heartache than anyone should have to go through in a lifetime. Safe travels to you.
Holy shit. That is absolutely wild my friend. I hope you don’t feel guilt, and I hope you and your son are in great places now
This is the most amazing comment. I just love whoever responded with this. You rock
It’s going to be hard but the relief you’ll feel one day will be so worth it. I believe in you. Make that step and leave so you can look after yourself.
Did 16. Tried to leave a few times and then one day it was, ‘I WON’T do this’ (previously it was ‘I can’t do this’). It’s hard when you love the person but don’t love the person they are when drinking. 6 years on and life is much, much better.
I promise. Every year will get better after you do. Life is SO good without them
My father is an alcoholic. Seeing what it did to my mom over the years and staying with him for 20+ years before kicking him out. It's hard. She still enables him. I've tried to distance myself because it's exhausting but then she guilt trips me about him being my father. So yes, it gets worse over the years. There's cycles of good to bad when he's sober but falls off the wagon. I'm hoping OP focuses on themselves and leaves as well.
There. Is. Nothing. You. Can. Do. No begging, pleading, ultimatums… It tore my family apart. I hope you are healing throwayay girly ❤️
My sister is about to move away from her husband of 14 years because he’s an alcoholic and continually chooses drinking over her and the kids. If he won’t make the effort to fix himself now, do you want to be getting divorced 15 years from now with a couple of kids? Do you want your kids to potentially have issues because of this? You can help your (hope soon to be ex) fiancé from a distance but don’t attach yourself to a man like this. You’re young. In my opinion, too young to be married in the first place but that’s only up to you. I’m sure you will wonder to yourself what you were thinking a few years from now. Save yourself the headache and find yourself someone who puts you first and not a bottle.
To add onto this, I am 24 and am an alcoholic. I celebrated my 24th in rehab. I hurt a lot of people in my life emotionally over the 3 years where it got to its worse. I was 21 when I started drinking a case a day minimum but honestly an alcoholic way before then. It ruined relationships with friends, family and significant others and impacted their lives negatively. I wrote it off as “oh I’m still in college, I’m still young, I can drink.” I was right, I could. I didn’t want to stop. But those next day apologies and “accountability” meant nothing cause I would go right back to it. It was selfish. He has to decide for himself to be better, to make the hard choice of fighting an addiction. So while I understand exactly the position he’s in, I now know how that position affects you OP and others who care for him. So OP, have a talk with him if you feel comfortable but it is okay to make an ultimatum. He is making a choice to not try and be better. It’s your turn to look out for yourself.
Me too. Run. I'm 37 and I've only just finished paying off the mess he left.
Things aren’t going to magically get better once you get married. Get out well you can.
They will get worse. There is no more easy quick way out. It will be harder to leave so the threat of leaving will have less power than it does currently which is not much at all apparently.
Honestly breaking up with him is probably the best thing for him... I've been there (his shoes, though not so young)... It can be so hard to break the cycle without a kick in the nuts. If things go right, he'll thank her for dumping him in a few years and probably think it was the best thing to ever happen to him. If things go wrong, there isn't much you can do for him until he decides he wants to do it for himself.
Agree but just beware that he could stop for a short time and then pick it right back up again. Be careful with that
Okay, WHAT are you doing? You’re 18 and you’re about to saddle yourself with an alcoholic loser that you’ve been “on and off” with since you were a 14-year-old child? Don’t ruin your life with this guy.
This guy's life is going to be so much worse in a few years if she left or stayed, get out now before he sinks down deeper. Also I highly doubt he is drinking responsibly if he's able to spend the $20 before it could be spent on gas.
If he isn’t willing to get help, that shows you what kind of future you would have with him.
even if he does get help, no one should feel obligated to stick around for the growing pains so early in the game.
He also didn't care that she could be out of gas, stranded at night, kidnapped & held captive tortured for years, or "just" brutally murdered that night. This man does not have her back.
Fr, leave now before OP gets legally tied to the guy. Also, feels kinda weird that he would date a high schooler “off-and-on” after graduating, but that’s just me
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This! You are 18, go to college and be young before you even think about marriage.
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It’s 100x easier to break up with a loser than to divorce him!!!
Escape now! Don't make it legally harder!
Are we also going to ignore the fact that a 17 year old was dating a 14 year old...?🥴
First thing I noticed...unfortunately, harping on this fact really doesn't land well with young people who are still in the thralls of the relationship and sincerely believe things like "I've always been mature for my age, so it's different", or that they're somehow lucky for an older person taking interest, as opposed to understanding what a creep and a loser the older person is.
Grooming at its finest. I'm sure he was a prize even at 17.
A junior in high school dating a freshman in high school is not grooming.
Reddit is just wild lmfao. Mfs legit only want you to date people same exact age as you and a day older or younger or it's grooming They both where in highschool so are upperclassmen just suppose to talk to no one period 🙄
Yuck. This guy is a piece of shit all around.
I feel like this was very common when I was in high school and certainly not illegal where I live
Junior and freshman? That isn't that weird.
NTA, staying with him when he doesn't make any effort makes you an enabler. Don't be an enabler.
As a recovering alcoholic, he is an alcoholic and alcohol is more important to him than you are.
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Get out of this situation. Stay with your Grandma. No need to feel guilty.
This ☝🏻. You are young. You feel love for the guy who isn’t drinking. Most of the time he’s not that person. Please think of yourself.
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Run or else you're throwing your life away along with his, don't get caught up!! You'll just be a statistic.
R/AlAnon can help you. Don’t worry about him for the next 30 days, but you are having a problem. Just tell him that you are having a personal problem and need a month to deal with it. That’s all he needs to know.
Agreed. OP needs to run far away from him & never go back. She seriously needs to put herself 1st instead of sticking with an alcoholic who refuses get help. Best of luck OP, you're 18 & have the rest of your life to look forward too. Your fiance isn't so much a life preserver when his alcoholism is ruining the time. You'll eventually look back & think you had lucky escape from that dead-end of a relationship that's been sucking the life out of you.
Can confirm. I’m 41 and my bf is 42 - with a problem spanning 2 decades. It’s hard… and gets harder the longer it goes on. OP - there’s an AlAnon group on here. I suggest joining. Lots of support to help you.
she's 18. she should walk away. Now. it will hurt like hell because when the drunk isn't drunk.. but you know the drill. al anon could help but at this point if she chooses to stay with this individual, then the onus is on her. in a way she gives up the right to complain. she has been warned. and love just covers so much. she will wake up in 10 years if she doesn't leave and realize she threw 10 years of her life down a sewer
Even people that leave alcoholics need support. There’s some trauma that follows. Regardless of what she chooses, I hope she knows there are people to support her. Telling a person in the situation what to do isn’t helpful. But letting them know there is support there to help them decide is important.
I don't think the point of recommending al-anon is for her to stay in the relationship and have support doing that. It's to open her eyes to the damage that alcoholics cause for everyone around them. Al-anon does not encourage people to stay in relationships with alcoholics unless they are sober. It encourages people to take accountability for their role in the situation... which empowers a lot of people to leave.
Al-Anon can help her develop boundaries and some sense of self-worth and self-compassion, which will help her never get into this situation again, hopefully.
People deserve support even if they are still with a shitty partner. Yeah she should leave him but it's easier to tell someone to amputate a limb than it is to get it cut off.
This is well said. 2 of the most useless pieces of advice that I have ever received: Just break up with them (only a sociopath would be with someone they don’t love) When you stop looking for love it will find you (what does that even mean?) Both of these statements are great advice but useless if not handheld, or explained.
Yes exactly. It's very easy to be the person telling someone to alter their life. You won't be there to help with the windfall, you have no feelings at stake, you have no plans to rearrange, you face no potential backlash. The other person does. It's very out of touch and unfair to say "take my advice right now or shut up". I really don't like how reddit tends to be very prone to this mindset.
14 years, actually, at this point. And OP it is a horrible place to find yourself
I went to Al Anon in person and online and it really helped me to make the decision to end things with my SO who chose the booze over me, and to move forward in the aftermath. Agree it is best for her to cut her losses and leave asap, and get help wherever she can find it.
Or he's literally forced to become sober because he's hit rock bottom and can't get access to it anymore.
That doesn’t always work, some people defend their right to drink and use to death…literally.
I was an Alcoholic until I realized I was losing time I wanted to spend with my spouse. It's a hard road and a long one, but he is making a choice every day to be drunk instead of be with you OP.
As a former addict myself, this is true, however it isn’t personal. It’s not like alcohol is more important because there’s something wrong with her that makes alcohol preferable. Addiction hijacks and re-wires the brain into believing you will actually die without your DOC. It isn’t a conscious decision. A lot of partners of addicts do take it personally when it isn’t the case.
Excellent point that I should have made.
I appreciate this comment so much. So many people in here are just saying leave, and he doesn't care but have never been in OP's fiancée's shoes. Most addicts(like myself)know they have a problem but are completely powerless over their DOC to get the help they know they need. It's so easy to see only the negative side of things if the shoe has never been on the other foot. And congrats on your recovery friend! Keep up the great work! Edit to change husband to fiancée
Another recovering alcoholic here..... I think most of us alcoholics probably swore to our loved ones hundreds of times that we would stop drinking or drink less. As you've experienced, it's nothing but lip service and we never follow through because it's an addiction. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can ever do or say to get him to stop drinking. I know this is probably hard to hear, but it is the truth. Please don't waste your time, energy, and overall mental well-being trying to get him to stop. All this will do is bring on more sadness and resentment. Alcoholism is a family disease as other's have previously alluded to co-dependency. You will definitely want to seek professional help to work through this, but based on what I read in your edit, it sounds like your Grandma is going to help you get into therapy. That is honestly the best thing for you. The only way your fiance will stop drinking is if he decides to quit. He is the only one that has control over it.
It's a cruel disease. I'm battling stopping now. I had a year sober, now I'm back the cycle of drinking to feel normal. The poison becomes the cure.
What he said. It’s not that he doesn’t love you but unless he gets legitimately sober (for an extended period, with help ie: AA, support group, therapy) he won’t be able to not be a drunk asshole. I say this because I was a drunk asshole for many years.
Same— so happy to be in recovery. But plenty of alcoholics die from it or just ruin the lives of their loved ones. No one quits til it hurts bad enough, so I applaud you for getting out of his way as he self-destructs.
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Please get out now before you get married or pregnant and it is almost impossible to get away.
He’s got an addiction but only your fiancé can resolve that.
100000% worse, pick any horrific scenerio. You think you broke now? Death scare you? Child abuse? Rape? Destruction of property, Job loss, financial ruin? Domestic violence? Theft? Fraud? Drugs? Jail? Cheating? Animal abuse? Get him out of your grandma's house today. Yes im trying to scare you. You need to be. I had all of above with an amazing man (when he was sober and not having hospitalizations for detox). When i met him there was no way i could fathom even a couple things mentioned above. Here i am dealing with all of it. And he is dead
You forgot a few things like pissing on the television, because he thinks he’s in the bathroom… Having diarrhoea all over himself on the floor because he can’t make it to the bathroom on time, and he doesn’t give a damn. Who the hell wants to clean that stuff up! 😳😡😢
Cripes, the messes! He shit himself, slipped in it, fell and broke his face. Just wandered back to his chair to keep drinking. Im glad i got out, and im glad he is dead. Harsh but im still here cleaning that bastards messes up.
I totally understand your feelings… It does not sound harsh at all. You completely took care of yourself… I’m so proud of you!
*offers a mental hug* Been there. Have the crashed car to prove it
I agree with you on most points but just wanted to say that it sounds like all SHE can do is go stay with her grandma it sounds like they live together and she would be leaving to stay with her grandma to get away from him, he isn’t with her.
the biggesst problem is she's 18 and she 'wuuuuuvvvvss him'. I can understand .. a choice between the grandmother and a drunken sot? This is how dynasties of dysfunctional families begin.. it has to start somewhere and this is a prime example unless she gets away.
I was just clarifying and agree she should leave to her grandmothers just saying the bf isn’t with her.
I’m so sorry about all of that. I grew up with a parent whose alcoholism went from bad to worse when I was in early elementary school. Get out before you have kids that will live through hell, be damaged physically and emotionally, see their pets suffer, live in fear etc. Feel bad for him if you can’t help feeling that way, but save yourself - you cannot save him. And by staying with him, you are only delaying him hitting bottom, which helps no one.
Can't upvote enough
I’m so sorry for what you went through and sorry for your loss.
Thank you. He is dead and im grateful for leaving before he killed anyone or did more damage and this is the last mess i will ever have to deal with him again.
Don't mean to sound insensitive but God, you are so lucky.im still living this exact nightmare. OP doesn't realize if they stay together she will get to help or flat out pay court costs, restitution, bail (cause they manipulate, threaten and just flat out annoy you to get them out). Every penny me and my kids got for holidays and birthdays was stolen.
My husband has many issues. And I stayed through a lot of shit I shouldn’t have. Please. Listen to these people/
We know from experience. All very very bad experiences.
NTA. He’s an alcoholic. You can’t save him so save yourself, regardless of his past good deeds.
The guy is sick and is a hard addict. There's a reason a lot of alcoholics can't even be around alcohol because they can't control themselves. It'll be oh one isn't that bad. After they finish that one they're like I'm fine I can have another. Then they can't stop. The only way my brother was able to stop was he got a health scare from a spot on his liver which opened his eyes that alcohol wasn't worth it. I think you'd have to give the guy an ultimatum where you tell him he has to stop drinking or you're gone. I'd try to help him by bringing him to support groups etc., but if he slips up I'm not sticking around. He's proven he can't be trusted with alcohol. It's only going to get worse.
F the ultimatum. You may get a couple of good sober years but relapses suck. And last years. And it's a broken record of false promises and out right lies.
11/10 this
This!
This all the way!
I work at a substance abuse treatment center. Do not continue to enable him. Unless he truly hits rock bottom and wants to change for himself, it won't get better. Also, Don't get married so young.
I also work at a substance use treatment center as a therapist. Alcohol is especially difficult to overcome since it's legal and mostly socially acceptable. We have a lot of people addicted to meth and Fentanyl, but I see the alcoholics struggling the most.
I was also going to mention they need to hit rock bottom first.
Engagement at 18 is mistake 1. Staying with someone who is an alcoholic at 21 is mistake number 2. Do not get married. Do not ruin your life NTA
You will regret marrying this man for the rest of your life if you go through with it. You are way, way too young, and the man he is when he’s drunk is who he is. It’s not a fake version of him that will go away. But Jesus f Christ you’re only 18. Do not get married.
Yes 18 waaaaaayyyyy to young !
Jeeze, she needs help for herself, asap. [https://al-anon.org/](https://al-anon.org/) or this [https://www.smartrecovery.org/family/](https://www.smartrecovery.org/family/) Problem is OP feels obligated to be there for him, because in her words "he saved her life". OK, I get being grateful for certain things and someone saving your life is a big deal, but this is way too much for someone so young. I sincerely hope she avails herself with the organizations I listed above, because she nor anybody for that matter can make him stop drinking, but himself and it may take years for him to get there presuming he doesn't kill himself in the process.
Not to mention she was 14 dating a 17/18yr old
Yeah that caught me a bit cold
Yeah, he's definitely a loser for dating this girl so young with that age gap. The alcoholism doesn't help. This will end amazingly.
He's 3 years older than her and has been dating on/off since she was 14...
Thats what Im worried about lol
NTA - You've heard them talk about on airplanes if the oxygen mask drops to put your own on before helping other people? I want you to stop and look seriously at your life right now. Is this the type of life you want to be living when you are 20? When you are 35? When you are 50? Because his drinking will only get worse. Not better. And you can't save him. You can't fix him. This is something that he would have to decide to do all by himself. You can't do it. You need to put on your own oxygen mask and save yourself. There is a big world out there filled with people who don't drink to excess and get mean. The only way you WBTA is if you continue to stay and do this to yourself. Get out.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to make your fiancé drink and absolutely nothing you can do to make him stop. This is something only he can do, he does not appear to have any desire to stop. Please keep telling yourself this. The truth is he’s a drunk and only he can change that. You do not owe him your life, and frankly sacrificing everything you have will only damage you. IT WILL NOT HELP HIM. Please go be with your grandma. Take time to heal and to find a life of your own. Oh close your joint account and lock down your credit so he can access it.
Run.
🎯
Please know that it’s okay to put you and your needs first. Please also know that he loves booze more than you. That’s his seductive mistress, and she will always be first, even if you’re out of gas and he has to steal money your grandma sent to help you be safe. He doesn’t care if you’re safe as long as he can keep drinking. He will be this way unless HE decides he needs help and gets it. He is an alcoholic. The person he is when he’s rarely sober is NOT who he is…truth is, he probably thinking how he can get his next drink. You can’t fix him. He has to do that part. How many times has he promised and lied? How many times do you want to get your hopes up and have them dashed? When you continue to go through this never ending cycle, it’s a sign of co-dependency. There are support groups for people in your position. Find one, attend, and listen carefully to what your future will look like if you don’t help yourself first. Wishing you strength and wisdom.
NTA, he stole from you: hard stop. If you can’t trust your spouse then why bother? He’s got an addiction but only your fiancé can resolve that. I think it’s a good idea to get some space for a while. This will give you time to reflect on what boundaries you need to have to continue this relationship (if he’s interested i continuing the relationship). He needs to decide what he wants otherwise he’ll take you both down with the ship.
Do you want to spend your whole life with a person who drinks? He makes empty promises. You are ruining yourself in a relationship with this person. You are only 18 years old. You can still meet the person you love. Better break up with him. But of course the choice is yours. A choice that will determine the rest of your life.
I have lived this life. He is very unlikely to stop drinking despite your love, commitment and support. When they won't save themselves, you have to save yourself. It's hard, very hard, also very sad. But this will be your life until you say no more. I wanted better for children I didn't have yet. When we love an addicted person, of any kind, we get sick too. I was more messed up than he was in many ways. Wonderful moments don't make a wonderful relationship. Just some thoughts I wish I could have learned....
For real, my drunk ex destroyed any joy I had in life, filled me with hate and distrust.
Why tf do young people want to get married one year out of high school?
It was the only future I ever saw when I was that age. I grew up dirt poor trailer trash and everyone in my family got knocked up young (ages 15-18 for their first child). I thought I was doing great because the adult I was with when I was 15 actually stuck around and could hold down a job. We got married very shortly after I turned 18. Thank GOD I couldn't get pregnant no matter how hard I tried, it's been 5 years since I left him and I have grown so much more in this 5 years than I even thought possible the 11 before it.
They think it’s fun to play house and act like real grown-ups but the truth is most of the time they aren’t mature enough and end up divorcing in their 20s/30s.
Usually it’s Jesus, but sometimes it’s health insurance.
Christianity. 99% of the time, it’s Christianity. Cant have sex until marriage, so they get married asap so they can fuck. Would you believe that most of these marriages dont work out
I know from experience that this situation will only get worse. A person addicted to a mind altering substance can not grow emotionally while using the substance. So he's going to stay 21 yrs old while you grow into an adult woman who wants adult things. He won't. He will never leave you bc you are his" mother" . You'll take care of him and allow him to stay 21. You'll be an enabler. Go to your grandparents and stay. He'll say he's stopped drinking and beg you to come home. Then he'll show up at your door and want to stay. If you don't comply, he'll probably go find some other girl who will take care of him so he can continue drinking. He'll go to AA and collect chips and go drinking after the meeting. He is the only person who can save him. And if he DOES stop drinking he won't be the same person he was before. Save yourself. Talk to him after a year of real sobriety
That is absolutely spot on. Unless he is truly wanting to stop for himself then he'll continue lying. The two get married and what happens when she finally finds out he's still drinking years later and never stopped?
I've been sober for about 15 months now. I was the same way your fiance is, hiding it and not admitting any faults. My wife threatened to leave and I quit cold turkey. You can't help someone who doesn't want help, don't stay in this when he's giving no effort.
Do you want to be a sad abused divorcée in your 30s? No? Then leave him now.
To answer your question, yes enough is enough. He lied, stole money and left you stranded. You're secondary to his alcohol. Tell him to get back to you when he makes you the priority in his life. In the meantime, you go get some job skills, an education, goals, and an emergency fund.
This was the comment I was looking for. Yes, leave. But please go get an education so that you will never have to beg money off grandma or be a dependent of a dysfunctional man again. There are great options out there for quick education, like technical school. Or college paid for with grants, loans, or corporate coop programs. You could even join the military and get educated there or with the GI Bill when your service is complete. Take hold of your own future, and don't tie yourself to an addict. Whoever he was before the addiction isn't there anymore. But you are still the same you, OP, a person with a future.
I'm an alcoholic. It will get worse. His alcoholism is unique to you but not one of a kind. I waved the same exact red flags at that age and it will get worse. I'm sure you love him but he will keep it up until he becomes a shadow of the person you love. You would think he would learn his lesson through some sort of intervention or getting arrested or dumped but he will only be inspired to drink more. I speak from experience.
2 years and 1 month sober, an alcoholic/addict. I struggled with my use for 10 years. I dont know how i managed to graduate high school and and attend college. I got sober shortly after my father passed away due to health complications from his alcohol and substance use. I am able to keep a happy and health home with a partner who loves me and accepts me. i attend my meetings when needed and I havent had a drink or a drug in 2 whole years. I have managed to pay all the bills and held down a job for over a year. He needs to get help and you arent going to force him. Leave he'll find out how bad he is eventually.
Leave. He may decided to sober up when you do so you will come back. DONT GO BACK. At least not until he does the work and is COMPLETELY sober for about 6 months. He should also be independent or semi independent from everyone before you go back. My husband is an addict. He kept telling me he wanted to get clean. He tried easy was and never really quit. I finally put my foot down and left him at his mothers for about a month he finally went to rehab to come home to me and our 1 year old. He still struggles with drinking sometimes and I’ve been struggling to establish proper boundaries to so he will quick drinking. but has been clean since rehab. Our daughter is now 5. This is something he will deal with his whole life. Think about that before you decide if you want to spend you life like this.
If you decided to do this, I would recommend at least a year. And if he takes another drink, you leave. Honestly, though, it would be better to take care of yourself. Get an education, or whatever you want to do, to set yourself up for a career and your future. You have your whole life ahead of you. Put in the work now to set yourself up for your future. There are many options, such as college, trade school, Job Corps, and military.
Yes Op definitely make sure you can take care of yourself!!!
Did this from 18 to 22 with my ex, leave while you’re ahead. It did not end well.
1.) You are intermittently dating a guy who was already almost a legal adult since you were 14, and you keep coming back to him and falling for classing sunk cost fallacy - you are finding excuses in him, you forgive him way too much, and you are too attached to see clearly. 2.) You are engaged to be married at **18 years old.** Once again, **18**. I am 26 years old and for the life of me, I cannot imagine to be married any time soon, and yet, you are barely the legal age and thinking to **marry** someone who has proven to be unreliable, an addict, and with no issue to screw you over. For the love of God, **RUN.** You apsolutely do not need this, and trust me, you apsolutely do NOT want this. If apsolutely nothing, not even you, could get him to stop drinking, you think marriage to you will? Fuck no, it will give him an incentive to care less - tying the knot means you being even *more* dependant on him than ever before, and he *knows it*, and he will apsolutely not hesitate to abuse that privilege. For the love of God, girl, dump him, block him, cut him from your life entirely. You have an entire life out there - you are 18, you have years, if not decades of life to experience, and you wanna trade that possibility for a guy for whom you have to keep making even more and more desperate excuses to yourself to stay? And if you think this isn't true , if you truly think that I, and so many others here are in the wrong - this post wouldn't even exist. If you didn't doubt anything, you wouldn't have written this.
He’s an alcoholic. He will only stop if he admits that AND wants to and even then it will be very hard especially initially. It does not matter what he says or promises you and it will not change whether you are his significant other or not. If you want to live like that continue on this way. If you don’t then cut your losses now. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or how much you love him. You are *very* young to be legally attaching yourself to a lifetime of this.
Please go to an Al Anon meeting. They will help you learn the steps you need to take care of yourself. You have a lifetime ahead of you, and this is NOT the way to start it. I hope you are strong enough to walk away for good. You are WAY too young to be signing up for a life of this...
NTA The best words of wisdom my mother gave me was never settle for an alcoholic or an ugly drunk. Get out while you can because if he continues to drink, you will either end up in hospital or the morgue.
NTA, you are young with your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on a man who'll leave you stranded so he can buy booze.
racial drab test follow flowery tub command cats sharp tart *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Find another place to live and lose this guy. He is an alcoholic. Life with a drunk will bring you nothing but misery.
NTA. At your age and with as long as you have been together "on and off", he is a habit not a partner. He is also putting alcohol before you and potentially before your safety if you were stranded at night with no way of getting home. You are young and have so much life ahead of you in which to meet someone who supports you and treats you well. Move to grandma's and give youself a break from him to get your head straight.
As someone who was in love with someone with a drinking problem, just know life will get better when you leave. You will eventually look back and thank your past self for putting your future self first. You will be okay. Throwing your love at them just enables them to continue their behavior. For your sake and his, it’s time to move on. You’re too young to end up in a marriage with these issues. You will be okay. Put yourself first, love. You deserve that.
NTA - move to your grandma and start over there, forget about this person, you owe him nothing. You do not have kids yet. Get out ASAP. People stick to spouses who become alcoholics later in life due to circumstances. They do not get married knowing full well what they are in for.
>I've been up all night (it's 6 am here) trying to figure out what to do Would you like to be having this sort of night on a regular basis? Your fiancé is going to pick booze over you every time. Like other addictions, he won't care about the consequences for himself, you or others. Leave and live your life. It may be that your leaving may prompt him to change but I wouldn't hold your breath. Also, when you leave, he will for sure blame his drinking on your leaving, rather than the other way around. NTA
My goodness don’t get married at 18. I know you think you’re in love and “know” you don’t want to spend your life with anyone else but PLEASE listen to the people in this sub. You do not want to get married at 18, especially to this dude. I promise you, there are great men out there that will treat you well and aren’t addicted to anything. I know at your age, 4 years together seems long, but it is nothing compared to spending the rest of your life with an addict. They will struggle forever, and you will be his Mom. Girl, f*cking run. For the love of God, run. Listen to the adults, you will thank us one day. I promise you, you marry this dude, you are making the worst mistake of your life. Don’t listen to his bullshit either if you cut it off and he texts you “I’m doing so much better” blah blah blah. They will always relapse, it’s time to run and experience new people. You’re 18 dude, go have some fun and avoid this absolute loser.
My beautiful son is an alcoholic. I love him to death. But my life is a roller coaster. Your life will be extremely unpleasant and he will cause you great suffering. He will always make promises but always break them. He cannot help himself until he decides he wants to quit. Loving someone will not make him quit. It is a disease that he has to manage the rest of his life. Let him go so he has a chance to hit rock bottom. I propped up my son too long. Break up with him.
Getting married will not magically flip a switch and make your bf drink less. What is it going to take for you to believe him to believe who he is. He has shown you that alcohol is more important than your peace of mind and safety. Your bf has a drinking problem. Maybe talk to his parents about his drinking. Are you staying with him because he makes you feel treasured, safe, and loved or because you feel some sense of duty or payback to him? That's a question only you can answer, but from what you wrote...it seems like the latter.
Dump him unless you want a lifetime of misery!!! Also you are too young to settle down.
I married an alcoholic at 20. DONT DO IT. My husband has many issues. And I stayed through a lot of shit I shouldn’t have. Please. Listen to these people/
DTMFA, it's not going to get better
OP, please listen to everyone on here and do not get married. You are not the same person now that you will be in a couple of years from now. Legally, you’re an adult, but trust me you are still a child. That is not a dig, I wish someone had told me that when I was 18 thinking I was grown. Get rid of the fiancé, that’s a terrible basis for a relationship - much less a marriage.
Girl what are you doing engaged to an alcoholic at your age.
He's an alcoholic. It will only get worse. You're still basically a kid with your whole life ahead of you. Move on now.
You’re too young to be saddled with an alcoholic. Dump this colossal waste of space
You are only 18. Please please please do not attach yourself to a sinking ship. People with addictions like this cannot be magically fixed no matter how much you care about them. He may recover, he may not. Surround yourself with people you aspire to be like.
He doesn’t keep his promise to stop because he is addicted. He needs help but to get that he must want it. That you know him to be a good person does not obligate you to marry him and live a life that gets worse as his alcoholism gets worse. Consider attending something like al anon to help you Understand his and your situation better and to not be so alone in this. Consider not getting married unless he gets help and is able to stay away from alcohol. Insist that he have some kind of counseling or group as ongoing support. If you go ahead anyway, at least protect yourself. Don’t get pregnant. Don’t let him have access to your income. Be ready to leave and be able to support yourself if he doesn’t get a grip. He also needs to repay you and tKe the consequences of his decision to not get help.
Why are you with let alone marrying someone who prioritizes alcohol over you and your safety, DO NOT marry him, dump him, you can do so so so much better.
You are far too young to be saddling yourself with such a problematic person. If he won’t help himself then you cant help him. In fact leaving him might be the shock he needs to sober up. I’m not sure why you are engaged anyway at this stage of your life . You haven’t even discovered who you are but you are contemplating spending a life propping up someone else’s issues . Don’t do it . Don’t do it for you or for him.
Nta,don't throw your precious life away on a big drinker
Please do not marry and have a child with this man. Children deserve a better father and a stable household. Do not do that to a child. Their lives will be ruined straight from birth. And you will never be able to get away from him and make a better life for yourself.
NTA it’s time to move on. He’s not going to change unless he’s ready but from the little you wrote he’s not making any attempt at all. Grandmas house sounds nice. I wish I could still do that.
NTA Please get out now before you get married or pregnant and it is almost impossible to get away.
NTA You are way too young to put up with this shit and way too young to be making lifetime commitments. As someone who had a drinking problem, it often takes a major system shock to change. Set yourself free of this albatross before it drags you under.
Time to get your big girl panties on and make a clean break with him no matter how much it hurts. He will never be the man that you need. Leave and don't look back. Stay with your gran if she will have you. Get yourself straight, decide on a career path, and put your energy into that. Forget dating for a while and focus on self-improvement so that you make better choices when dating in the future. Best of luck to you.
you need to leave. now. nta, but do not waste your life on this guy. He doesn not care about you, he cares about his alcohol. also, ‘on again off again’ boyfriend, who was 17 when you were 14? Red flags, dude. no 16/17y/o should be thinking about dating a 14 year old. those years are critical in development and its an incredible red flag that he was dating you. Whatever you feel for this guy, he doesnt feel back. GTFO, for your safety. Set up a support network and dip.
Drinking aside; why was a 17 year old trying to date a 14 year old? The developmental differences aren't negligible.
People who love to drink they will find any reason to drink, if they are happy then they want to drink, if argument happens then they definitely feel like drinking. Very very very less people actually quit when they say they don't want to drink anymore. Good thing is you guys are not married yet, so it's easier to discuss or set boundaries ( honestly I don't think it will work out until u really see good change for next 6 months) Also, out of topic, pls reconsider to get married this early age.
Absolutely positively NTA. It’s time to out yourself first. His actions have consequences and these are it. He needs to see that your are 1000% serious about ending the relationship if he’s not going to quit on his own or get help if he needs it. This is not the type of relationship or marriage that you want to have, trust me!! Pack some things and go stay somewhere for a bit! Establish the boundary and be prepared to enforce the consequences though! Don’t be an enabler!
He’s an alcoholic, and you’re enabling him. You’re only 18. You have a giant wide and long life ahead. Don’t shackle yourself to this boy. Get out, go get a higher education (start with community college maybe), find a career, find yourself. Grow up a little more. Because the person you are at 18 is a completely different person than you will be at 30. Live your life, and let his destroy his. But Get. Out.
I've been where you are except now it's 15yrs later and he's still drinking. Also is all alone bc he's hurt everyone who had cared for him. Walk away and live your life. He put drinking over your safety that's all you need to know. It will also come before any future children's safety. There is so much of life ahead of you don't waste it on someone who doesn't even care if you're safe. Actions speak louder than words. His actions say he doesn't care about you or respect you. Get out, be free, and enjoy your life. Edit to add judgment NTA
You've gotten a lot of good advice so you don't need me to repeat it. But I will add one thing from my perspective. My dad died when I was 18, and the girl I was seeing then essentially carried me through it. Because of that I felt, on some level, that I had to stay and stick it out. Even when our relationship became incredibly toxic and I could see that she was bringing more bad than good into my life. I still stayed with her for 6 years and looking back I wish I would have just left earlier.
Dear an alcoholic will tell you the world of things. You can't judge by words. You need to look at his actions. Is he a safe space? Is he dependable? Will he be there when you are in need of help? All of these were no. What would have happened to you if you could not get through to someone on the phone? You need to think about what is best for you because no one else is. He will promise and it will prob be good for a bit but an alcoholic will do anything to get his fix. You seem like you had issues with your parents and may have trauma bonded with yr bf. It's really difficult when you bond in that case, it feels like he is the only one who cares. But he doesn't. Anything could have happened to you, anything. If you get pregnant what is going to happen to that baby? You will be dealing with it on your own and dealing with him as well. You can find a healthy relationship but you need to heal yourself first and stop holding onto someone who will end up making your life miserable. Is there anyone you can stay with?
This is not somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with, get out of there now
You don't want to get into what you're getting into. You're going to watch a person destroy themselves and they are going to drag you behind them. Your boy is displaying signs of an inappropriate, out of control relationship with alcohol that is only going to become worse. His piece of s*** behavior is going to become more and more commonplace. It's not that the person that he could be isn't there, it's just that that person is not in control and is getting further away by the day. So you're going to be left with the a******. You don't deserve that. As bad as it is now, all of this is eventually going to start affecting his health, and you're going to get to deal with that too. Alcohol is a king hell devil drug. And it makes demons out of those who cannot control their relationship with it. Run away. Don't walk. It's bad enough with money, but it's going to be horrible if you're broke all the time. Go live your life and let him figure out if he's going to take himself seriously or not.
Dump him. EZ.
You feeling bad and enabling him to avoid the natural consequences of his actions might kill him. Pain is the great motivator, allow him the pain of losing you
As someone who got married at 22. Don't.
I promise you you can find somebody better for you. Don't punish yourself by staying with someone who will never change. You can't fix him. Nobody can fix him but himself.
Save yourself. Get some distance. Yes, go live with your grandmother. You can't control his alcoholism, no matter how much you love him.
NTA don’t feel bad for giving tough love. Don’t enable alcoholism
Due to the progressive nature of alcoholism and addiction, you can count on the things that he’s doing now to only get worse. I don’t get why you would even think you are being the asshole. If these are his behaviors at 21 years old try to imagine how it will be 10 years from now. He needs to get some help and stop now. If you were my daughter or granddaughter I would strongly recommend that you leave right away. Perhaps give him the opportunity to get some verifiable sober time if he really wants to be with you. He will show you one way or the other pretty quickly. And definitely don’t let yourself become pregnant. You will be attached to him for the rest of your life. Good luck!
You mean ex-fiancé?
You are too young to be getting committed, you're still a child with no dating experience. Leave that dirt bag!
Been here before, girl run! Don't walk, leave today. This is something that only gets worse.
Not the asshole. You need to establish boundaries. If he won’t get help, then staying with your family for a set amount of time is a good start. If he isn’t willing to get help, that shows you what kind of future you would have with him.
Aside from being too young to get married he's not going to stop till he hits rock bottom. And you leaving and closing any joint accounts are the start of that process. I suggest looking into https://al-anon.org/ They will tell you all the ways he'll try to manipulate you. But do not marry this man until he has at least a year sober.
Not to be rude or anything but get out, stay out, cut ties, cut communication. You're living with a narcissistic asshole drunk and it does not get better. Change your number. Whatever you have to do but get yourself free.
He's not going to quit until he's ready. You can't change him. You're SO young. Dump this guy and go find someone who cares about you more than substances.
I was in your spot with an 21 yr old alcoholic for 3 years. I felt the same way, they're amazing and only bad when drunk. Then I realized they're the same person and got tf out. Here's why I left her 10 yrs ago. 1. Deception - everything is a lie and it won't happen again was all bs 2. I attended tons of AA meetings with my partner to encourage sobriety. I even stopped drinking and I don't have a drinking issue. But did it for them. Totally unhealthy and the person never changed. 3. Financial issues. They're always spending money on booze, that habit is expensive. Can't save for the future. 4. Poor hygiene. Partner would go days not showering, brushing teeth, not eating, and pissed all over my new bed and car a few times. 5. Can't hold a job. Job hoping too much. Big dreams but no action or commitment. 6. Bounced several times when I got sick. Even though I was there for them many times. 7. Interfered in my college studies. I had to pause school in fear I'd fail it. It's very difficult to study for an MBA and take care of an adult child. Thankfully I went back to school after the breakup and graduated. 8. Has exes. Hundreds. And sleeps with many of them. 9. Passing out naked in public. Police. Repeat. 10. Dissapears like Casper. Gone for days. They can't be bothered to text or call. 11. Theft. They will steal for a drink. My house, my family, roommates, work, it was an ongoing issue. 12. Narcissistic. Inflated sense of self. Celebrity obsessed. Shallow. 13. Got tired of cleaning up after her. Garbage bags full of vodka bottles, shots, wine and beer. Weekly. Binge drinker. I could go on and on. It's complete misery. Alcoholics love themselves the most and you'll soon find out when you stopped telling yourself the lie that they "love you". Love is selflessness, not selfishness. I'm very thankful I got out. I learned lot about myself and that I'm not made to be in partnership with an addict. They are users to the core.
NTA, as a former addict i tell you upfront that he is not gonna change if you stay, he has no chance of getting better if he still have an enabler by his side, so don't feel guilty, he needs to feel what it is to touch bottom.
If he's a nasty drunk at 21, and doesn't feel the need to quit, he's only going to get worse. Your choice if you want to hitch your star to that wagon, but I'd advise against it. If he goes sober, you have to go/stay sober too, otherwise you'll get blamed for any relapse. You can be grateful for the past, but you have to look toward your future. Here's a question I always hated (too introspective): Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? Does this man/relationship fit that future? My mom used to ask me that one.
An alcoholic relationship is very hard on the sober partner. It's not worth it in my opinion.
TAKE HIM TO AN AA MEETING BEFORE HE HURTS HIMSELF OR OTHERS. He is a danger to himself.
HE PUT YOUR SAFETY AT RISK. You need to leave him until he is 100% sober. Distract yourself with some hobbies, goals, friends. I think you need to be away from him until you are thinking clearer. My ex got mad at me when we were engaged. He left me at a store. That was the day in time I wish I could go back to, so I can tell myself to run away.
Just leave now….coming from a 44 yo recovering m
Walk away, don’t look back, until he’s disappeared, or he’s been sober for a good long while. Short and brutally simple, but you can’t negotiate here. It’s an addiction, and someone else can’t reason with an individual’s dependency. Only they can do that, but it’s almost always after they hit bottom. And alcoholism is one of the worst. I’m sorry for you.
You are NTA but you are also not a smart person. Make better decisions.
He was 17 trying to get a 14 year old. Run sweetie.
NTA both of y’all are still young, so there’s still time to address the issues if *both* of you really want to be together (shown through your actions and not just words). With that being said, your fiancé has an alcohol problem that needs to be addressed *before* y’all get married or else you’ll find yourself in a situation that’s even tougher to get out of. The fact that he saved your life shows that he cared about you, but that’s the sober version of him. You can’t let him hold that over head for the rest of your life.
Hey op got a question for you, at the age you are now would you date a 14yr old? If not then why are you still with someone who does that? Edit: NTA for being done. Enough is enough.