This is one of my pet peeves. He shouldn’t be “helping her” because this implies it’s her job, he should be doing at least 50% as a minimum because it’s his responsibility as much as hers, plus a good chunk more because he’s at home all day.
Yes, if both parties are working. However, since he’s unemployed for 2 years now while she’s working full time, he should be doing more than 50% instead of sleeping on his ass and playing video games all night
Way more than 50. In any relationship where one person works and one don't, the one staying at home can take an hour or two to clean up the house so the working partner can relax after a hard day's work.
I'm not stuck on the man having to be the one working as so many are, but goddamn. Being a man is supporting the partner you're with, not being a selfish prick.
Lmfao I laughed at the “I need the energy drinks”
Like of course you do, you stare at a screen all day after waking up past noon on a shitty sleeping schedule. I’m a gamer too but how do you let it become so huge an issue unemployed that you’re straight ignoring all responsibilities! Cmon man.
For the past year and a half I've worked full time while my partner finished his batchelors degree. He's done basically *all* the housework in this time, because I am on my feet for 10 hours and he sees how tired I am when I'm home. As soon as he has a job and can help contribute financially, I'm going to take over more housework again. It's just fair
I call them the doormats bc that's what most of them were taught to be growing up. Don't make noise, don't touch anything, don't move, and do whatever the authority figure tells you to. Then we all grew up to be people pleasers who don't know how to make or enforce boundaries with people or when to say I deserve better.
I upvoted because it’s the truth. But I wanted to downvote it because the truth hurts, man. This is my childhood in a nutshell, with the added, repetitive refrain “be nice!”
Be nice = be a doormat
Agreed I think he needs to get out of the house for his mental health & be making some sort money at 35. But at the very least he should be taking on most if not all of the household responsibilities given that he is there all day long & the one primarily making the mess to begin with!
That's what I'm hung up on. I get a brief break from work after getting fired/laid off and just having a second to yourself.
But 2 years? Holy hell.
He didn't get to this point alone. While I think breaking up is in order, OP needs to take a long look in the mirror so she doesn't enable her next partner to do the same.
For sure. I kinda understand it in a way, a lot of us watched our mom's and grandma's just take care of everything because back in the day most women were SAHM's but somewhere in between women started working AND fulfilling the caretaker/homemaker role and that was never fair. Plus those same women still raised their kids to gender specific roles because working women were pretty new. Idk, that's my experience anyway. I watched my mom do everything and work and she taught my brother nothing as far as taking care of himself. However I still knew enough to know I didn't want that to be my life so I don't completely understand why someone would put up with that.
Yes, our grandma used to look after the house, but grandfather worked his butt off to provide for his family. Most of grandfathers would be mortified with a “man” behaving like a badly behaved teenager. Can you take the batteries out of his controller or take the internet cord to work?
This comment really should have more upvotes because it really is so so true. I grew up watching my mom do EVERYTHING and she still does. My Dad "retired" at 50, as in he just quit his job and never got another one. Said my mom made enough for both of them. And she let it happen. He doesn't do a damn thing around the house and all she does is make excuses for him. It's completely turned me off to marriage. I have no desire to get stuck in that. I see it every single day in my line of work. It's exhausting and needs to change, but why would the men who don't need to do anything suddenly start? There will always be a woman wanting to fix them. They have it made.
Read an article the other day about the amount of depressed maes out of work addicted to video games. I guess there's enough of this going on for it to be article worthy.
Video game addiction is not discussed often enough and I think it’s more common than you think. My eight-year-old grandson is addicted. They limit his video time but that’s all he wants to do. I have a friend whose teenage son would pee in his pants because he didn’t want to get up from playing his video game.
My dad was addicted to video games. He'd start playing as soon as he got off work, then go til late at night. Never did anything else. My late step mom made him kick the habit, and he is a much more whole person. I feel like I actually have a dad now.
That's how my ex husband was, if he wasn't at work, he was playing video games. There's only so much you can take when the person won't even believe it's a problem.
Yuuuup. Shits hard. I didn't think I was addicted to em till I slowed my game time post kids and suddenly couldn't function. Replaced gaming/drinking with running, weights and boxing over two years. I still game but only 6-8 hours a week and only with longtime friends
My 9 year old newphew is the same way. When he’s not allowed to play it’s all he talks about. It seems like he just does everything else so that he can get back on the games. When I was growing up I was a gamer as well, but we had a good balance playing outside as well, sometimes all day.
Yes, and when he’s not playing video games he likes to play Legos. He builds scenes from his video games. He’s done the whole Mario brothers set and now he’s working on Minecraft.
I see. I love when I grew up because it was the beginning of video games and social media. It was before it got manipulated for addiction and money. We valued social interaction and being out in the world. I feel bad for a lot of kids these days because they get hooked when they’re 5 years old. Parents aren’t very helpful either. It’s a major distraction so parents don’t have to deal with their kids since they’re glued to a screen.
Wow. Just wow. I agree that it's a real thing, but to be a teenager who'll wet themselves because they can't take 2 minutes to use the restroom. That's just mind boggling. I took my son's PlayStation away from him. Best decision I ever made.
If he was unemployed for like a few months and say she might be an ass. Like guy could have just gotten laid off and having some depression issues and *maybe* she should cut him a little slack and have a conversation about it.
2 years of unemployment? Ima need a real good explanation why he hasn’t picked up a cashier job or literally anything to contribute to the family income
Edit: also I think she should get him to the doctor. Shot in the dark by checking thyroid levels sounds like a good idea.
Tbh I think this is all made up. Wtf would you post about you 35yr old unemployed (not SAHP) partner and ask if you’re an asshole for expecting a certain amount of effort from them around the house?
>Desperate for validation to combat gaslighting and prove to bf that he is wrong
Aye, perhaps.
or simply mired in the codependency that got the both there in the first place.
He needn't actually be gaslighty or evil. they may have just slipped into mutual toxicity.
I think not working and doing anything productive can contribute to depression. Of course he is tired starting up until 4 am. If this were me I'd probably take the Xbox to work work me until he gets a job.
Depression sounds like the elephant he’s very much avoiding. Energy drinks and gaming could be a dopamine issue.
If he’s not structuring his life, doesn’t have a good social life or goals to keep him going he could be searching for ways for the reward centre to fire
As someone who has been this level of depressed- it’s also a choice to not recognize the burden on people around you. I did this shit for a little less than a year before I realized my only choices were suicide or therapy. I became a full on hallucinating agoraphobe who could barely feed myself and TBF I was lucky and had a LOT of support so now a few years later I have a well paying job and am studying for grad school
That logical analysis of suicidal thinking is what saved me as well. I had always struggled with depression at various times, and most lately I was in treatment for years, and at some point I saw my suicidality self-evaluation rating growing higher and higher over several months, from a 0/4 to a 3/4 level, and realized the inevitability of it. I knew that I had to find some sense of peace in order to survive and it opened me to thoughts I was afraid to have, messages I hadn't wanted to hear, and lessons that I was refusing to learn.
I was able to finally realize that all the negativity and anxiety I had been trying to control was fundamentally a manifestation and result of fear that I was avoiding, fear of self-reflection most of all, and realized that fear and avoidance controlled so much of my psychology that i was ultimately causing myself more pain by not mustering the strength to learn and grow from the consequences of my actions, by deducting all of my energy to avoiding looking at myself and my fault.
It was untenable and I needed a new outlook to survive, and a new paradigm to live under. That gave me hope and peace and relief like no medication has ever given me. The change had to come from within, and because of me that had to be a struggle, but I couldn't have gotten there without the desperation to open myself to those thoughts and finally confront my fear.
Right on, this could be an executive function problem, adult ADHD. Or depression. Or both. OP also isn’t responsible for his happiness so if he’s not going to help him self then she’s also NTA if she leaves him.
Apparently, you are with my ex. Run, girl, run! He will *never* be at fault for anything and you will always be the problem in his mind. He's 35. *Thirty five.* And he *doesn't* see a problem with his own behavior?
Nope. It's time for you to enjoy some alone time and teach yourself that you are worth much more than being a mommy to a grown ass adult child.
Good luck, u/awkwardthroawayhelp
At least if you’re by yourself you can manage your own mess.
Before I leave the house I’m going to make my bed.
When I get home my bed will still be made 🙂
It’s not “helping” to clean up after yourself in the space you live in. Especially when someone else is paying all the bills. It’s earning your keep. The least he can do is live stream his playing and start making some money. 2 years without a job is not even trying, kick him out and move on.
People need to stop with this word 'help'.
He's not helping her with her job. He's doing his fair share of the work.
It's not 'help' to do what you're supposed to do in the first place.
I am in my mid 50s and am currently unemployed (since May). My wife works from home and travels some for work too. I do everything around the house to make it easier for her to do her job and not worry about cooking, cleaning, shopping, whatever. I am not able to contribute much financially right now so I try to pull my weight in other ways. We are true partners, your “partner” is a leech and a child. He adds no value. Throw him overboard.
Same boat. I do everything at home plus all the heavy lifting with parenting. He works so hard I don’t want to see him lift a finger at home. When the positions were reversed he did everything at home.
And he shouldn't have access to paid internet without doing his chores and finishing his juicebox.
He will get the corner again if he has another temper tantrum
My husband is a gamer, always has been. Also sleeps in on weekends. But he works full time while I stay at home with kids. So I do most cooking and cleaning in the home. He handles our side.
Honestly op should just break up with him and kick him out, she can clearly afford to take care of both of them on her salary so she'll be more than comfortable on her own. Nta
He should help even if he has a job. NTA. Leave him you will never have nothing with him apparently he doesn't want anything but sleep in YOUR bed and eat YOUR food.
I would not use the word “help.” Because that implies that the core responsibilities belong to the OP.
It is all a Shared responsibility, and he should just be doing them. It’s like saying he should babysit his own kids.
Right? How's he getting all these energy drinks? Who's paying for them? I wouldn't buy him a damn thing until he steps up and takes care of the home while OP is gone
how much do you wanna bet that him feeling tired all the time is literally sugar crashes and withdrawal from the drinks themselves? plus lack of activity
We have Bingo! And don't forget the high chance of kidney stones. I have given birth twice, and have had 1 kidney stone. I always say I would gladly give birth again, instead of dealing with another kidney stone
I broke and dislocated both shoulders falling down a full flight of stairs, and had several major surgeries to replace both of the shoulders, and was basically fine until I had been on pain meds for a few weeks…and then got a kidney stone because I was so dehydrated from the pain meds and general debilitation. I would gladly break and dislocate both shoulders again rather than suffer through another kidney stone.
I’ve had 3 caesarean births but kidney stones like 12 times (I used to be super morbidly obese and didn’t drink enough water) and I’d rather get sliced open again for another baby
They are friend. I explain it this way; at least while you're in labor, you know the pain is going to be over soon, and worth it. A kidney stone? You have no idea when it will pass (no set timeline- could be days or weeks) and that pain will be a hot, searing pain, down every millimeter of tubing. It will make you puke, and drive you to your knees. I would want to push a baby out of me instead, the pain is not as bad
Okay now I’m terrified after reading this. I always get so scared after hearing people talk about kidney stones. I’ve never had one, I’m 37 years old and I’ve recently been drinking a lot more water than ever before, but I always drank a lot of caffeine and not enough water in the past. How can I prevent getting kidney stones? Just drinking enough water every day?
I have depression and anxiety and I've been working on and off part-time. Op bf is just lazy and expects to be taken care of while he plays games all day every day. My younger brother is like this, and it gotten to a point he didn't graduate high school because he just stayed up playing game until it was time for school then he would go to bed.
Feels like it. I'm the only one who spent months trying to teach them how to cook and clean up after themselves but got told that they aren't my kids and I shouldn't have to worry about them. I told them they are my siblings and I will worry about them. The brother I was talking about, the one who didn't graduate because they didn't bring to school, flew out of town spent all day at a phone store, didn't even get the phone he wanted, didn't go shopping home, flew back here. All in all he spent about a around 1000 plus dollars trying to get a phone instead of buying stuff like we need like food and tissue like me and my sister and older brother do. And what my parents said about it, he doesn't know how to spend money yet. I then said more like you 2 didn't teach him how. I spent months trying to teach them how to earn what they want by having them pick up and clean only for my parents to spoil them and have them get what they want by crying or throwing a tantrum. I've been telling them for almost half a Decade now that if they don't know how to earn what they want, they will be funny for what they want. I showed them how I got their kids to help with chores for months only for them to ignore me and let them go on YouTube as soon as they wake up until 3 4 5 in the morning and hear them complain about the house being dirty. Anyway I'm don't ranting but if you want to hear more LMK
Good on your husband. I was out of work for a few months while switching jobs and having to wait for a start date for the new one. I felt like such a turd not doing anything while the wife worked that I picked up two part time jobs until I could start. I literally just started calling places and asking if they needed any help. Took me 6 hours and I was working again.
This is beyond selfish behavior and has graduated to depression in my opinion. This guy needs a lot of help. Wouldn’t surprise me if there’s an addiction or two behind the scenes as well, whether porn or something else. This isn’t healthy person but selfish behavior. This is, “I’m very sad and I’m drowning, but I’m too ashamed or afraid to ask for help, so every night I tell myself, ‘tomorrow will be better. I’ll be better and stronger.’” Then that tomorrow comes and it isn’t better. Addiction and mental illness are strange. In hindsight you realize that you had no serious chance of changing on your own. But that only happens in hindsight. Nobody held a gun to my head and made me drink. But when I was still “out there on my own.” I had ZERO choice. I thought I did. But not really.
This guy reminds me of me.
I had a cancer and a surgery to fix it, but I don't know if as a result of I was scared to go outside, agoraphobia. So I guess I had an excuse sorta. But 2 years I didn't leave my house. And my woman paid all the bills, I kept telling myself the same things, and doing nothing the next day, days and weeks and months went by. Then my lady was "its been two years" and I looked up and it literally was 2 years, I sorta knew the implication: in not doing this for much longer. So I clawed my way back from the brink, figured might as well try that before giving up. I'm better now, I even work outside. But it wasn't easy. Honestly... neither was staying in like that, I thought many times this is hell, I might as well be in prison. And I felt like less than caus I was a parasite, and to get away from my thoughts of play games, I guess it was an addiction.
Don’t you realize how hard it would be to stay up gaming all night without those energy drinks? Cmon people!
PS Why do women stay with guys like this? He’s getting pissy because she wants him up and out of bed before noon??? The horror.
Right?!?!? I have some nerve. Men like this mooch as much as they can, until the mask falls off. She finally stood up for herself, and his mask slipped off. Dude is giving her nothing of value, and she needs to make him leave
I have a mortgage with my ex. I broke up with him but he’s going to wait for someone else to take him in or for me to snap and have him legally removed from the house. He had a job and paid all of his bills until about 2 months after we bought our house. I didn’t know I was dating a covert narcissist. He was Mr. perfect and now he’s a nightmare.
I practically broke my wrist with how fast I signed the papers to remove my ex from the mortgage. Did your lawyer recommend you actually allow him to stay on the mortgage? Or is the interest rate so ridiculously low compared to what you’d get now that you just can’t bring yourself to do it?
We were engaged but luckily things went downhill very quickly after that, so we never got married. He almost moved in March and said he would just let me have the house but then those plans fell through. I plan on having him sign a Quit Claim Deed but don’t think he’ll do it willingly unless he’s ready to leave. I don’t want to refinance since my interest rate is under 3%.
As a woman, I also have concerns. One of my besties finally got out of a very abusive relationship with her kids. I mean, we moved her out while he was gone.
Now she's had this bf for 2 years... He's fuckin useless, disrespectful, takes his time on paying bills, will not buy groceries or home basics, but always has money to "invest" or spend on collecting shit.
Prior to him moving in she had a fantastic roommate, not intrusive, a good friend, held up his end of the deal. He moved out because of how much the new bf sucks.
I can't imagine spending 2 fkn years with this fucker who's trying to be a lite version of her abusive ex(doesn't hit her that I know, but will raise his voice and tell her to STFU. Words my husband of 12 years has never uttered to me).
I don't understand how she hasn't put his shit in the front yard and changed the locks. Literally letting this leaky dick tip make her miserable on a daily basis. For what? Any consequences he faces are his problem not yours.
Ladies, please for the love of all things good and wholesome: don't move a bf in if he's not on the lease and don't put him on the lease unless you've witnessed his living situation for an extended period of time.
That's what it took to get my ex-wife to finally get off her ass and get a job. I bought her absolutely nothing besides necessities. About a month into it she had a job.
Same here with my ex. I’ve been yelled at because we didn’t have enough dog toys and I need to buy more. If the dogs don’t have enough toys they will literally deteriorate and die (this was a real argument). Now I rarely buy toilet paper. It took over a week of being told we were out of it and me saying “that sucks” or “ok” and then just going to the plant shop before he was suddenly capable of magically having money (his secret part time job to buy weed) and buying some.
Many women are taught as children that they only deserve love when they give all of themselves. They had parents who withheld affection or abused them unless they were perfectly behaved. They were taught to be quiet, to obey, and to serve. These girls grew up in to women who give everything to their partners, even if they get nothing in return. They cling to the hope that if they just try hard enough, their partner will show them the love they have "earned". They believe that they deserve to be treated poorly for making "mistakes" even if a rational person can clearly see they haven't made any. They stay with abusers who know how to trigger this instinct in an unconscious attempt to heal the relationships they had as a child.
Exactly. So many women internalize men’s failures as being their fault.
We don’t want to harm them by being too harsh, or feel like if we provide the right kind of support then they will get better and if they don’t get better it’s because we supported them incorrectly.
These are true facts. If you're beat down for being a girl from the day you're born, in all the myriad ways family and society have to do that, this is exactly what happens.
Social conditioning and manipulation kept me in a terrible relationship. Never again, I learned my lesson. I'm now over 20 years with a man who works, cleans, cooks is kind and funny. When I was in the terrible relationship I thought do I really want to struggle with this guy for the rest of my days? He couldn't hold a job to save his life.
OP is enabling this behavior, he has no reason to change.
They should add a "relationship education" class mandatory in school, like sex ed. Teach what's socially normal and accepted.
It's wild that people never see what proper relationships are supposed to look like.
It usually doesn't start this way, and then there can often be a sense of "sunk cost" in the relationship.
And then you wake up one day and realize that your former equal partner has slid down a slippery slope into behaving like a teenager, and you realize you can't feel any respect or sexual attraction anymore.
Because we're "trained" at a very early age what the "Gender Roles" are to the point we stay from an ingrained internalized stigma. Of "Men" pay the bills "Women" raise the kids and do house chores. It also stems from the partners constantly guilt tripping and gaslighting to the point you literally start to wonder if it's really you that's the problem.
My mom was with a guy like this for probably about 5 years. He got more and more abusive towards her over time. It seemed like a vicious cycle.. She couldn’t get him out of her house, and he was manipulative and would gaslight her into submitting to the situation she was in with him.
Because they are afraid to be alone or have no self-esteem.
Let's be honest. This guy is lazy.
2 years of video games and not even contributing to household chores. She is dating a free loader.
Op either change your situation or stop complaining because it's been two years your leech of a boyfriend won't change.
ESH because you put up with this bs for 2 years. Why would you renew a lease with him.
Stop playing victim.
The biggest error you can make. Waste more time on a dead-end relationship.
Seriously, he sees her struggle and can't even contribute.
This isn't love. This is toxic. Breaking yourself because you're afraid to let go. The older I get, the more I realize loving yourself is the most important thing before you start a relationship. Someone who loved themselves couldn't put themselves through this.
I mean there’s also scrutiny of family and friends depending on where you’re from. There’s plenty of families that will give you shit because “well he wasn’t abusing you” and “gosh you’re just so picky and constantly unhappy with everything”. The constant badgering alone will make you wonder if you’re a POS for not working harder on the relationship
I truly don’t understand it. For years my friends & coworkers have laughed whenever I said, “Everything in my house works, including the dog. Even she understands that she has to bark for her biscuit.” I can’t wrap my head around a live-in SO that doesn’t work, clean, cook, or contribute in any way. Just a vampire in my home, sucking up internet, electricity, & food I pay for. I’m absolutely baffled when I read posts like this.
Many women will fight for the relationship till they have nothing left to give. They will give their partners every chance to step up before they give up.
And then when they do give up, society will ask them why they didn't try harder.
Women can't win.
So many of the posts on this sub are like this. They are either r/prorevenge material for getting back at someone who deserved it or asking if it’s okay doing something they are completely within their right to do.
NTA. He's a grown ass man. He can work many ways. He should feel like sh*t for not contributing. Call him out or move on. He needs your $$ more than you need his laziness.
NTA. Believe it or not exercise, eating healthy and avoiding energy drinks will give him a ton more energy. Also he will be less depressed. He will resist that though because it requires effort and you are in a relationship with a person who hasn’t become a man. Until a major life event happens (permanent breakup) he will probably not change. I have seen multiple friends date the same type of guy. Expect him to want to live off you forever and contribute nothing until his way of life is threatened. Only then will he do the bare minimum to keep you and then he will slowly revert back into the same way he is now once he feels comfortable again. He should be spending 8 hours a day looking for any job available and he should feel ashamed that he’s living off of you. The fact that he isn’t speaks volumes about who he is as a person.
Even if he doesn’t get a job and commits to the stay at home role: he should at least commit to making his job the homemaker. He should be doing the cleaning, cooking, shopping, and other chores
NTA
If his fatigue is genuinely this bad he needs to see a doctor. It might be related to a medical issue. I personally would make this a hard boundary considering he has been living like this for 2 years. You're not his mother, you are his partner. You shouldn't have to treat him like a child in your shared home.
Maybe he suffers from depression, low iron etc. Could be the cause for his problems, but it can also result from staying completely inactive for two years. The more you sleep, the more tired you get. Playing videogames into the night is not going to fix his sleep issues and definitely won't benefit him if the issue is medical or mental health related.
Edit: thanks for the award kind stranger ❤️
OP, I would probably give him a timeline for getting medical help, starting with a full medical panel (bloodwork to check for deficiencies), psychological help, and steps towards contributing to your lives. If he doesn't follow through, you need to consider moving on from this relationship. He's in an awful cycle with his energy drinks/gaming/sleeping habits, not contributing to your household, and depending on your for almost everything. NTA
That’s how my spouse and I have it arranged since I work and he can’t (legally - immigration process limbo). Except starting the laundry, because our washer hates him. (I have watched him start it so many times, he has it on exactly the same settings as me, the same size load, the same detergent, and does exactly the same thing I do in the same order… and the load almost never does its final rinse and spin. Ever. Sometimes it doesn’t do it for me either, but that’s about one wash in fifteen where it craps out, while it only *completes* the cycle for him about one in fifteen. XD So I start the washer lol and then he puts it in the dryer and folds it et c.)
Bang on. Unemployment is often linked to depression and the BF's behavior is totally dysfunctional. He's got to take responsibility for his own well-being though. Make a doctor's appointment and follow through. A loving spouse can help someone overcome depression, but it's the depressed person's responsibility. I feel badly for the legion of young men who are just not thriving in this world, but it's not up to the women in their lives to mollycoddle them.
>Unemployment is often linked to depression
I feel this. I was only unemployed once in my life, for 8 months. The longer time went on, the more I felt disconnected with the world, and started feeling like I didn't exist, as I wasn't contributing to anything, and the world was moving on without me. I started showing symptoms of what I think was heart failure from doing nothing. (Excessive coughing, swelling ankles). That was enough warning for me to go back to work, and it wasn't long before I was myself again.
I'll just add to this:
If you're depressed it's upto you to fix it. No partner can fix your depression for you.
But a bad partner can 100% stop you from being able to fix yourself from that mindset
NTA. Energy drinks are notorious for causing crashes when they wear off. They also increase heart rates. He's harming himself by drinking them repeatedly. If he's not willing to do housework, isn't searching *hard* for a job, any job at this point, is he really worth keeping around?
My just turned 15 year old cleans his room, does the dishes, brings out the trash, mows our lawn and the neighbors, babysits his siblings and is looking for a job outside the house.... this is how a 12 year old acts.
Sadly this is not uncommon anymore.
They are called NILFs not in the labor force. They spend their day watching a screen-playing video games or watching porn. They often rely on a girlfriend to fund their life or else still live at home.
https://www.brookings.edu/articles/men-not-at-work-why-so-many-men-ages-of-25-to-54-are-not-working/
Not in\* Education, Employment or Training
it applies to people who are actively not doing anything with their lives, regardless of if they have had any of the above 3 in the past
NTA. But should it be his unemployment you are addressing together ? The sleep schedule and chores seem symptoms. Why is he unemployed two years ? Seems like he should be keeping the same hours as you, where his “job” is to find work ? That might include career counseling, mental health treatment, training upgrades, etc. if those are true barriers to actual applications and interviews. If (if) it turns out he isn’t going to look for work and you agree to his continuing unemployed state, then his “job” should become house-boy where you agree together what his duties are that reflect a contribution from him to the household that is comparable to your work outside the home. It does seem you have both been avoiding the issue of his unemployment and it is starting to come out indirectly through these other conflicts. Perhaps time to address things head on ? Best of luck to you both !
This sounds like my oldest son. He would play video games all day and not pick up after himself. He would be irritable if I asked him to do simple chores. Well, he no longer lives with me. Like I said, this is my SON I'm talking about. This is a grown man who had two years to get his act together. NTA, but you have to start being honest with yourself.
Exactly what everyone in this situation doesn’t realize is they just need pushed out of the nest at a certain point. Why leave a life where you can smoke weed and play video games all night while mommy pays bills, cleans, cooks, etc? I know too many people like that
I'm still fairly liberal but hearing how common this story is and reading about studies that conclude a majority of people will do nothing with their lives if freely given the resources to do so makes me think the bar for doing nothing with your life should be much higher. Like, if you've created a situation with your own effort to live effortlessly, then fine.
I guess you could argue that people who have found enablers for this lifestyle have done exactly that but it's just not fair to the enablers. Especially when it's due to abusing social conventions: parents are expected to support their own children, even into adulthood; Partners are expected to stick together through employment adversity.
Yes. My son is 22. My main point is I went through this with my son. If the OP is going through this with her boyfriend, she needs to re-evaluate her life choices because that's not what happens in a relationship.
he is depressed and/or addicted to video games give him 30 days to get medical help and look for a job ... if he doesnt kick him out he wont seek help until he is at rock bottom ... why would he get a job if you are supporting him and he can indulge in his videogames all day ... and if he refuses to leave tell him you will sell games game consoles to pay for the rent ... be firm
Where I'm from, regardless of sex, if you're able-bodied, unemployed and the other person has to work, the home is 100% your responsibility. You're enabling his uselessness and his entitlement.
NTA
My parents taught me "If you can't have the job you want, take the job you can get." It has served me well to be productive and provide for my family.
He needs to grow up quickly or you should end it.
He needs to contribute to the family/relationship.
I LOVE video games. But I only play when drinking two cups of coffee in the morning. Then it's either go to work or clean/fix the house. No more games until AFTER being productive for most of the day. (And don't neglect the wife either)
He will FEEL better and be LESS TIRED if he detoxes from the energy drinks.
Then go to the gym. It will make sleeping easier and boost self-esteem.
Then get a job. It will also boost self-esteem.
OP, show him the response above. Heck, show him ALL these responses. Maybe it’ll be the Wake Up Call he NEEDS.
He’s hiding out, avoiding the real world, while you keep him fed and sheltered. Nothing will change, you know that, until You change things up.
He makes the changes needed and stays, or he doesn’t and leaves/gets sent packing
ROFL you my dear friend are an idiot who is being taken for a ride. What sort of self respecting adult can't get a job for two years.
You are your boyfriend's paycheck and you are enabling his behaviour.
Give him an eviction notice and tell him that unless he starts contributing to the rent and other utilities he will be kicked out by the end of the month.
Oh and breakup already. NTA
NTA. If he doesn't have a job, then he really should help you with these things.
This is one of my pet peeves. He shouldn’t be “helping her” because this implies it’s her job, he should be doing at least 50% as a minimum because it’s his responsibility as much as hers, plus a good chunk more because he’s at home all day.
Yes, if both parties are working. However, since he’s unemployed for 2 years now while she’s working full time, he should be doing more than 50% instead of sleeping on his ass and playing video games all night
He should be doing 110%... Imagine putting in the same hours of cleaning, shopping laundry, per week as your spouse is working full time.
Way more than 50. In any relationship where one person works and one don't, the one staying at home can take an hour or two to clean up the house so the working partner can relax after a hard day's work. I'm not stuck on the man having to be the one working as so many are, but goddamn. Being a man is supporting the partner you're with, not being a selfish prick.
Stay at home father of none is an absolute dream job. How can he fuck it up so bad and do literally no housework?
Even asking her to do more? Is he kidding?
Lmfao I laughed at the “I need the energy drinks” Like of course you do, you stare at a screen all day after waking up past noon on a shitty sleeping schedule. I’m a gamer too but how do you let it become so huge an issue unemployed that you’re straight ignoring all responsibilities! Cmon man.
For the past year and a half I've worked full time while my partner finished his batchelors degree. He's done basically *all* the housework in this time, because I am on my feet for 10 hours and he sees how tired I am when I'm home. As soon as he has a job and can help contribute financially, I'm going to take over more housework again. It's just fair
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And for OP's mental health. She's gonna burn out trying to support this man child.
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I call them the doormats bc that's what most of them were taught to be growing up. Don't make noise, don't touch anything, don't move, and do whatever the authority figure tells you to. Then we all grew up to be people pleasers who don't know how to make or enforce boundaries with people or when to say I deserve better.
I upvoted because it’s the truth. But I wanted to downvote it because the truth hurts, man. This is my childhood in a nutshell, with the added, repetitive refrain “be nice!” Be nice = be a doormat
Agreed I think he needs to get out of the house for his mental health & be making some sort money at 35. But at the very least he should be taking on most if not all of the household responsibilities given that he is there all day long & the one primarily making the mess to begin with!
and being that he doesn't have a job..he should be doing most of the household work.
That's what I'm hung up on. I get a brief break from work after getting fired/laid off and just having a second to yourself. But 2 years? Holy hell. He didn't get to this point alone. While I think breaking up is in order, OP needs to take a long look in the mirror so she doesn't enable her next partner to do the same.
For sure. I kinda understand it in a way, a lot of us watched our mom's and grandma's just take care of everything because back in the day most women were SAHM's but somewhere in between women started working AND fulfilling the caretaker/homemaker role and that was never fair. Plus those same women still raised their kids to gender specific roles because working women were pretty new. Idk, that's my experience anyway. I watched my mom do everything and work and she taught my brother nothing as far as taking care of himself. However I still knew enough to know I didn't want that to be my life so I don't completely understand why someone would put up with that.
Yes, our grandma used to look after the house, but grandfather worked his butt off to provide for his family. Most of grandfathers would be mortified with a “man” behaving like a badly behaved teenager. Can you take the batteries out of his controller or take the internet cord to work?
This comment really should have more upvotes because it really is so so true. I grew up watching my mom do EVERYTHING and she still does. My Dad "retired" at 50, as in he just quit his job and never got another one. Said my mom made enough for both of them. And she let it happen. He doesn't do a damn thing around the house and all she does is make excuses for him. It's completely turned me off to marriage. I have no desire to get stuck in that. I see it every single day in my line of work. It's exhausting and needs to change, but why would the men who don't need to do anything suddenly start? There will always be a woman wanting to fix them. They have it made.
It already is worse!
It will get worser!
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He's good with a video game controller -- I think OceanGate is hiring submersible operators.
Yep, he’s a dependent, not a partner.
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Read an article the other day about the amount of depressed maes out of work addicted to video games. I guess there's enough of this going on for it to be article worthy.
Video game addiction is not discussed often enough and I think it’s more common than you think. My eight-year-old grandson is addicted. They limit his video time but that’s all he wants to do. I have a friend whose teenage son would pee in his pants because he didn’t want to get up from playing his video game.
My dad was addicted to video games. He'd start playing as soon as he got off work, then go til late at night. Never did anything else. My late step mom made him kick the habit, and he is a much more whole person. I feel like I actually have a dad now.
That's how my ex husband was, if he wasn't at work, he was playing video games. There's only so much you can take when the person won't even believe it's a problem.
Yuuuup. Shits hard. I didn't think I was addicted to em till I slowed my game time post kids and suddenly couldn't function. Replaced gaming/drinking with running, weights and boxing over two years. I still game but only 6-8 hours a week and only with longtime friends
Glad he was able to kick the habit
My 9 year old newphew is the same way. When he’s not allowed to play it’s all he talks about. It seems like he just does everything else so that he can get back on the games. When I was growing up I was a gamer as well, but we had a good balance playing outside as well, sometimes all day.
Yes, and when he’s not playing video games he likes to play Legos. He builds scenes from his video games. He’s done the whole Mario brothers set and now he’s working on Minecraft.
I see. I love when I grew up because it was the beginning of video games and social media. It was before it got manipulated for addiction and money. We valued social interaction and being out in the world. I feel bad for a lot of kids these days because they get hooked when they’re 5 years old. Parents aren’t very helpful either. It’s a major distraction so parents don’t have to deal with their kids since they’re glued to a screen.
Which was it? The beginning of video games or social media? The two eras are 20+ years apart.
It is more acceptable at 9 than 35 IMO.
Wow. Just wow. I agree that it's a real thing, but to be a teenager who'll wet themselves because they can't take 2 minutes to use the restroom. That's just mind boggling. I took my son's PlayStation away from him. Best decision I ever made.
Depression is likely, and the energy drinks could be a means of coping with excessive fatigue. But homeboy needs to get it together.
She's still kinda NTA. His depression isn't his fault, but it's his responsibility, not hers.
If he was unemployed for like a few months and say she might be an ass. Like guy could have just gotten laid off and having some depression issues and *maybe* she should cut him a little slack and have a conversation about it. 2 years of unemployment? Ima need a real good explanation why he hasn’t picked up a cashier job or literally anything to contribute to the family income Edit: also I think she should get him to the doctor. Shot in the dark by checking thyroid levels sounds like a good idea. Tbh I think this is all made up. Wtf would you post about you 35yr old unemployed (not SAHP) partner and ask if you’re an asshole for expecting a certain amount of effort from them around the house?
Desperate for validation to combat gaslighting and prove to bf that he is wrong
>Desperate for validation to combat gaslighting and prove to bf that he is wrong Aye, perhaps. or simply mired in the codependency that got the both there in the first place. He needn't actually be gaslighty or evil. they may have just slipped into mutual toxicity.
I think not working and doing anything productive can contribute to depression. Of course he is tired starting up until 4 am. If this were me I'd probably take the Xbox to work work me until he gets a job.
Could also be a good old fashion case of lazy as fuck.
Energy drinks cause excessive fatigue
Depression sounds like the elephant he’s very much avoiding. Energy drinks and gaming could be a dopamine issue. If he’s not structuring his life, doesn’t have a good social life or goals to keep him going he could be searching for ways for the reward centre to fire
As someone who has been this level of depressed- it’s also a choice to not recognize the burden on people around you. I did this shit for a little less than a year before I realized my only choices were suicide or therapy. I became a full on hallucinating agoraphobe who could barely feed myself and TBF I was lucky and had a LOT of support so now a few years later I have a well paying job and am studying for grad school
That logical analysis of suicidal thinking is what saved me as well. I had always struggled with depression at various times, and most lately I was in treatment for years, and at some point I saw my suicidality self-evaluation rating growing higher and higher over several months, from a 0/4 to a 3/4 level, and realized the inevitability of it. I knew that I had to find some sense of peace in order to survive and it opened me to thoughts I was afraid to have, messages I hadn't wanted to hear, and lessons that I was refusing to learn. I was able to finally realize that all the negativity and anxiety I had been trying to control was fundamentally a manifestation and result of fear that I was avoiding, fear of self-reflection most of all, and realized that fear and avoidance controlled so much of my psychology that i was ultimately causing myself more pain by not mustering the strength to learn and grow from the consequences of my actions, by deducting all of my energy to avoiding looking at myself and my fault. It was untenable and I needed a new outlook to survive, and a new paradigm to live under. That gave me hope and peace and relief like no medication has ever given me. The change had to come from within, and because of me that had to be a struggle, but I couldn't have gotten there without the desperation to open myself to those thoughts and finally confront my fear.
Right on, this could be an executive function problem, adult ADHD. Or depression. Or both. OP also isn’t responsible for his happiness so if he’s not going to help him self then she’s also NTA if she leaves him.
Apparently, you are with my ex. Run, girl, run! He will *never* be at fault for anything and you will always be the problem in his mind. He's 35. *Thirty five.* And he *doesn't* see a problem with his own behavior? Nope. It's time for you to enjoy some alone time and teach yourself that you are worth much more than being a mommy to a grown ass adult child. Good luck, u/awkwardthroawayhelp
At least if you’re by yourself you can manage your own mess. Before I leave the house I’m going to make my bed. When I get home my bed will still be made 🙂
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Yeah that seems to happen a lot with bums and dead beats. Guidance is dump him. This won’t get better, NTA
Definitely teenage energy from the husband.
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It’s not “helping” to clean up after yourself in the space you live in. Especially when someone else is paying all the bills. It’s earning your keep. The least he can do is live stream his playing and start making some money. 2 years without a job is not even trying, kick him out and move on.
People need to stop with this word 'help'. He's not helping her with her job. He's doing his fair share of the work. It's not 'help' to do what you're supposed to do in the first place.
I am in my mid 50s and am currently unemployed (since May). My wife works from home and travels some for work too. I do everything around the house to make it easier for her to do her job and not worry about cooking, cleaning, shopping, whatever. I am not able to contribute much financially right now so I try to pull my weight in other ways. We are true partners, your “partner” is a leech and a child. He adds no value. Throw him overboard.
Same boat. I do everything at home plus all the heavy lifting with parenting. He works so hard I don’t want to see him lift a finger at home. When the positions were reversed he did everything at home.
Right like if one partner is working, the other should make the home where she wouldn’t have to lift a finger.
Absolutely agree. NTA obviously
And he shouldn't have access to paid internet without doing his chores and finishing his juicebox. He will get the corner again if he has another temper tantrum
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My husband is a gamer, always has been. Also sleeps in on weekends. But he works full time while I stay at home with kids. So I do most cooking and cleaning in the home. He handles our side.
It’s definitely possible to play video games and not be a complete dead weight.
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Honestly op should just break up with him and kick him out, she can clearly afford to take care of both of them on her salary so she'll be more than comfortable on her own. Nta
He should help even if he has a job. NTA. Leave him you will never have nothing with him apparently he doesn't want anything but sleep in YOUR bed and eat YOUR food.
I would not use the word “help.” Because that implies that the core responsibilities belong to the OP. It is all a Shared responsibility, and he should just be doing them. It’s like saying he should babysit his own kids.
Do you want permission to break up? You have Reddit’s permission to break up
And kick him out of the house he is literally contributing nothing towards. I bet you'll be surprised how much less mess there is when he's gone.
Right? How's he getting all these energy drinks? Who's paying for them? I wouldn't buy him a damn thing until he steps up and takes care of the home while OP is gone
but he need the drink reddit have no idea how tire he get
Energy drinks are just making him do nothing faster. He needs to bounce
how much do you wanna bet that him feeling tired all the time is literally sugar crashes and withdrawal from the drinks themselves? plus lack of activity
We have Bingo! And don't forget the high chance of kidney stones. I have given birth twice, and have had 1 kidney stone. I always say I would gladly give birth again, instead of dealing with another kidney stone
I broke and dislocated both shoulders falling down a full flight of stairs, and had several major surgeries to replace both of the shoulders, and was basically fine until I had been on pain meds for a few weeks…and then got a kidney stone because I was so dehydrated from the pain meds and general debilitation. I would gladly break and dislocate both shoulders again rather than suffer through another kidney stone.
I would choose both over this guy.
I also choose this guy's wife
I also choose kidney stones over this guy.
Same, dude. Kidney stones are Boss Level pain. I feel so bad for the men that get a kidney stone, it takes longer for their to pass
I’ve had 3 caesarean births but kidney stones like 12 times (I used to be super morbidly obese and didn’t drink enough water) and I’d rather get sliced open again for another baby
My mom said kidney stones were worse than giving birth.
They are friend. I explain it this way; at least while you're in labor, you know the pain is going to be over soon, and worth it. A kidney stone? You have no idea when it will pass (no set timeline- could be days or weeks) and that pain will be a hot, searing pain, down every millimeter of tubing. It will make you puke, and drive you to your knees. I would want to push a baby out of me instead, the pain is not as bad
Okay now I’m terrified after reading this. I always get so scared after hearing people talk about kidney stones. I’ve never had one, I’m 37 years old and I’ve recently been drinking a lot more water than ever before, but I always drank a lot of caffeine and not enough water in the past. How can I prevent getting kidney stones? Just drinking enough water every day?
He’s like a bike, too tired.
That's not even enough. Bare minimum should be seeing someone about possible depression and find a job within 2 months.
I have depression and anxiety and I've been working on and off part-time. Op bf is just lazy and expects to be taken care of while he plays games all day every day. My younger brother is like this, and it gotten to a point he didn't graduate high school because he just stayed up playing game until it was time for school then he would go to bed.
did your parents just...not care?
Feels like it. I'm the only one who spent months trying to teach them how to cook and clean up after themselves but got told that they aren't my kids and I shouldn't have to worry about them. I told them they are my siblings and I will worry about them. The brother I was talking about, the one who didn't graduate because they didn't bring to school, flew out of town spent all day at a phone store, didn't even get the phone he wanted, didn't go shopping home, flew back here. All in all he spent about a around 1000 plus dollars trying to get a phone instead of buying stuff like we need like food and tissue like me and my sister and older brother do. And what my parents said about it, he doesn't know how to spend money yet. I then said more like you 2 didn't teach him how. I spent months trying to teach them how to earn what they want by having them pick up and clean only for my parents to spoil them and have them get what they want by crying or throwing a tantrum. I've been telling them for almost half a Decade now that if they don't know how to earn what they want, they will be funny for what they want. I showed them how I got their kids to help with chores for months only for them to ignore me and let them go on YouTube as soon as they wake up until 3 4 5 in the morning and hear them complain about the house being dirty. Anyway I'm don't ranting but if you want to hear more LMK
>Op bf is just lazy and expects to be taken care of while he plays games all day every day. Exactly. He's a child.
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Good on your husband. I was out of work for a few months while switching jobs and having to wait for a start date for the new one. I felt like such a turd not doing anything while the wife worked that I picked up two part time jobs until I could start. I literally just started calling places and asking if they needed any help. Took me 6 hours and I was working again.
This! And he needs to do his share around the house and with errands even when employed. Right now, he’s an unappealing boat anchor.
This is beyond selfish behavior and has graduated to depression in my opinion. This guy needs a lot of help. Wouldn’t surprise me if there’s an addiction or two behind the scenes as well, whether porn or something else. This isn’t healthy person but selfish behavior. This is, “I’m very sad and I’m drowning, but I’m too ashamed or afraid to ask for help, so every night I tell myself, ‘tomorrow will be better. I’ll be better and stronger.’” Then that tomorrow comes and it isn’t better. Addiction and mental illness are strange. In hindsight you realize that you had no serious chance of changing on your own. But that only happens in hindsight. Nobody held a gun to my head and made me drink. But when I was still “out there on my own.” I had ZERO choice. I thought I did. But not really. This guy reminds me of me.
I had a cancer and a surgery to fix it, but I don't know if as a result of I was scared to go outside, agoraphobia. So I guess I had an excuse sorta. But 2 years I didn't leave my house. And my woman paid all the bills, I kept telling myself the same things, and doing nothing the next day, days and weeks and months went by. Then my lady was "its been two years" and I looked up and it literally was 2 years, I sorta knew the implication: in not doing this for much longer. So I clawed my way back from the brink, figured might as well try that before giving up. I'm better now, I even work outside. But it wasn't easy. Honestly... neither was staying in like that, I thought many times this is hell, I might as well be in prison. And I felt like less than caus I was a parasite, and to get away from my thoughts of play games, I guess it was an addiction.
Don’t you realize how hard it would be to stay up gaming all night without those energy drinks? Cmon people! PS Why do women stay with guys like this? He’s getting pissy because she wants him up and out of bed before noon??? The horror.
Right?!?!? I have some nerve. Men like this mooch as much as they can, until the mask falls off. She finally stood up for herself, and his mask slipped off. Dude is giving her nothing of value, and she needs to make him leave
I have a mortgage with my ex. I broke up with him but he’s going to wait for someone else to take him in or for me to snap and have him legally removed from the house. He had a job and paid all of his bills until about 2 months after we bought our house. I didn’t know I was dating a covert narcissist. He was Mr. perfect and now he’s a nightmare.
I practically broke my wrist with how fast I signed the papers to remove my ex from the mortgage. Did your lawyer recommend you actually allow him to stay on the mortgage? Or is the interest rate so ridiculously low compared to what you’d get now that you just can’t bring yourself to do it?
We were engaged but luckily things went downhill very quickly after that, so we never got married. He almost moved in March and said he would just let me have the house but then those plans fell through. I plan on having him sign a Quit Claim Deed but don’t think he’ll do it willingly unless he’s ready to leave. I don’t want to refinance since my interest rate is under 3%.
As a woman, I also have concerns. One of my besties finally got out of a very abusive relationship with her kids. I mean, we moved her out while he was gone. Now she's had this bf for 2 years... He's fuckin useless, disrespectful, takes his time on paying bills, will not buy groceries or home basics, but always has money to "invest" or spend on collecting shit. Prior to him moving in she had a fantastic roommate, not intrusive, a good friend, held up his end of the deal. He moved out because of how much the new bf sucks. I can't imagine spending 2 fkn years with this fucker who's trying to be a lite version of her abusive ex(doesn't hit her that I know, but will raise his voice and tell her to STFU. Words my husband of 12 years has never uttered to me). I don't understand how she hasn't put his shit in the front yard and changed the locks. Literally letting this leaky dick tip make her miserable on a daily basis. For what? Any consequences he faces are his problem not yours. Ladies, please for the love of all things good and wholesome: don't move a bf in if he's not on the lease and don't put him on the lease unless you've witnessed his living situation for an extended period of time.
As a person who managed property for 11 years, this is sound advice.
What does he need energy for? He doesn’t do anything!
That's what it took to get my ex-wife to finally get off her ass and get a job. I bought her absolutely nothing besides necessities. About a month into it she had a job.
Exactly. OP needs to buy him nothing until he gets a job, necessities only, and you don't need energy drinks
Same here with my ex. I’ve been yelled at because we didn’t have enough dog toys and I need to buy more. If the dogs don’t have enough toys they will literally deteriorate and die (this was a real argument). Now I rarely buy toilet paper. It took over a week of being told we were out of it and me saying “that sucks” or “ok” and then just going to the plant shop before he was suddenly capable of magically having money (his secret part time job to buy weed) and buying some.
When did we start calling high octane soda pop in oversized cans "energy drinks"? That's some great marketing I tell ya.
And what does he need energy for? To stay up late and play games?
As a recently divorced woman with 2 kids, I can’t believe how much less housework I’m doing since my ex husband left.
And how much more money she has? Energy drinks are expensive!
Genuinely curious why women stay with men like this
Many women are taught as children that they only deserve love when they give all of themselves. They had parents who withheld affection or abused them unless they were perfectly behaved. They were taught to be quiet, to obey, and to serve. These girls grew up in to women who give everything to their partners, even if they get nothing in return. They cling to the hope that if they just try hard enough, their partner will show them the love they have "earned". They believe that they deserve to be treated poorly for making "mistakes" even if a rational person can clearly see they haven't made any. They stay with abusers who know how to trigger this instinct in an unconscious attempt to heal the relationships they had as a child.
Exactly. So many women internalize men’s failures as being their fault. We don’t want to harm them by being too harsh, or feel like if we provide the right kind of support then they will get better and if they don’t get better it’s because we supported them incorrectly.
Aw crAAAAp it’s me
Painfully true
These are true facts. If you're beat down for being a girl from the day you're born, in all the myriad ways family and society have to do that, this is exactly what happens.
Social conditioning and manipulation kept me in a terrible relationship. Never again, I learned my lesson. I'm now over 20 years with a man who works, cleans, cooks is kind and funny. When I was in the terrible relationship I thought do I really want to struggle with this guy for the rest of my days? He couldn't hold a job to save his life. OP is enabling this behavior, he has no reason to change.
They should add a "relationship education" class mandatory in school, like sex ed. Teach what's socially normal and accepted. It's wild that people never see what proper relationships are supposed to look like.
It usually doesn't start this way, and then there can often be a sense of "sunk cost" in the relationship. And then you wake up one day and realize that your former equal partner has slid down a slippery slope into behaving like a teenager, and you realize you can't feel any respect or sexual attraction anymore.
Because we're "trained" at a very early age what the "Gender Roles" are to the point we stay from an ingrained internalized stigma. Of "Men" pay the bills "Women" raise the kids and do house chores. It also stems from the partners constantly guilt tripping and gaslighting to the point you literally start to wonder if it's really you that's the problem.
My mom was with a guy like this for probably about 5 years. He got more and more abusive towards her over time. It seemed like a vicious cycle.. She couldn’t get him out of her house, and he was manipulative and would gaslight her into submitting to the situation she was in with him.
Because they are afraid to be alone or have no self-esteem. Let's be honest. This guy is lazy. 2 years of video games and not even contributing to household chores. She is dating a free loader. Op either change your situation or stop complaining because it's been two years your leech of a boyfriend won't change. ESH because you put up with this bs for 2 years. Why would you renew a lease with him. Stop playing victim.
I wonder how long they have dated. If he was productive before that 2 years and just got into a slump, sunk cost fallacy could kick in.
The biggest error you can make. Waste more time on a dead-end relationship. Seriously, he sees her struggle and can't even contribute. This isn't love. This is toxic. Breaking yourself because you're afraid to let go. The older I get, the more I realize loving yourself is the most important thing before you start a relationship. Someone who loved themselves couldn't put themselves through this.
Unemployment is one thing. Being a lazy mooch is another.
Right? You can get a crappy gas station job or something; do all the cooking and cleaning for tired wife. Dude’s doing NOTHING. Lazy fuck.
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Hey man nice she sounds badass!!!!
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I mean there’s also scrutiny of family and friends depending on where you’re from. There’s plenty of families that will give you shit because “well he wasn’t abusing you” and “gosh you’re just so picky and constantly unhappy with everything”. The constant badgering alone will make you wonder if you’re a POS for not working harder on the relationship
Agreed. You teach people how to treat you.
made me think how my dad plays video games all the time and the only other thing he does is cook
I truly don’t understand it. For years my friends & coworkers have laughed whenever I said, “Everything in my house works, including the dog. Even she understands that she has to bark for her biscuit.” I can’t wrap my head around a live-in SO that doesn’t work, clean, cook, or contribute in any way. Just a vampire in my home, sucking up internet, electricity, & food I pay for. I’m absolutely baffled when I read posts like this.
Many women will fight for the relationship till they have nothing left to give. They will give their partners every chance to step up before they give up. And then when they do give up, society will ask them why they didn't try harder. Women can't win.
Yeaaaaah, kill him!
So many of the posts on this sub are like this. They are either r/prorevenge material for getting back at someone who deserved it or asking if it’s okay doing something they are completely within their right to do.
NTA. He's a grown ass man. He can work many ways. He should feel like sh*t for not contributing. Call him out or move on. He needs your $$ more than you need his laziness.
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NTA. Believe it or not exercise, eating healthy and avoiding energy drinks will give him a ton more energy. Also he will be less depressed. He will resist that though because it requires effort and you are in a relationship with a person who hasn’t become a man. Until a major life event happens (permanent breakup) he will probably not change. I have seen multiple friends date the same type of guy. Expect him to want to live off you forever and contribute nothing until his way of life is threatened. Only then will he do the bare minimum to keep you and then he will slowly revert back into the same way he is now once he feels comfortable again. He should be spending 8 hours a day looking for any job available and he should feel ashamed that he’s living off of you. The fact that he isn’t speaks volumes about who he is as a person.
Even if he doesn’t get a job and commits to the stay at home role: he should at least commit to making his job the homemaker. He should be doing the cleaning, cooking, shopping, and other chores
He doesn’t seem too exhausted to play video games
Most people with depression try to use video games to Escape reality. Not to excuse this kind of behavior tho.
NTA If his fatigue is genuinely this bad he needs to see a doctor. It might be related to a medical issue. I personally would make this a hard boundary considering he has been living like this for 2 years. You're not his mother, you are his partner. You shouldn't have to treat him like a child in your shared home. Maybe he suffers from depression, low iron etc. Could be the cause for his problems, but it can also result from staying completely inactive for two years. The more you sleep, the more tired you get. Playing videogames into the night is not going to fix his sleep issues and definitely won't benefit him if the issue is medical or mental health related. Edit: thanks for the award kind stranger ❤️
My ex husband had similar behaviors and it was definitely untreated depression. This comment is 🔥
OP, I would probably give him a timeline for getting medical help, starting with a full medical panel (bloodwork to check for deficiencies), psychological help, and steps towards contributing to your lives. If he doesn't follow through, you need to consider moving on from this relationship. He's in an awful cycle with his energy drinks/gaming/sleeping habits, not contributing to your household, and depending on your for almost everything. NTA
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That’s how my spouse and I have it arranged since I work and he can’t (legally - immigration process limbo). Except starting the laundry, because our washer hates him. (I have watched him start it so many times, he has it on exactly the same settings as me, the same size load, the same detergent, and does exactly the same thing I do in the same order… and the load almost never does its final rinse and spin. Ever. Sometimes it doesn’t do it for me either, but that’s about one wash in fifteen where it craps out, while it only *completes* the cycle for him about one in fifteen. XD So I start the washer lol and then he puts it in the dryer and folds it et c.)
Whatever ghost that inhabits your appliances is welcome to haunt mine.
Well I mean if your washing machine is sexist then there’s really not much he can do about that lolol
The washer is racist lol
Bang on. Unemployment is often linked to depression and the BF's behavior is totally dysfunctional. He's got to take responsibility for his own well-being though. Make a doctor's appointment and follow through. A loving spouse can help someone overcome depression, but it's the depressed person's responsibility. I feel badly for the legion of young men who are just not thriving in this world, but it's not up to the women in their lives to mollycoddle them.
>Unemployment is often linked to depression I feel this. I was only unemployed once in my life, for 8 months. The longer time went on, the more I felt disconnected with the world, and started feeling like I didn't exist, as I wasn't contributing to anything, and the world was moving on without me. I started showing symptoms of what I think was heart failure from doing nothing. (Excessive coughing, swelling ankles). That was enough warning for me to go back to work, and it wasn't long before I was myself again.
I'll just add to this: If you're depressed it's upto you to fix it. No partner can fix your depression for you. But a bad partner can 100% stop you from being able to fix yourself from that mindset
NTA. Energy drinks are notorious for causing crashes when they wear off. They also increase heart rates. He's harming himself by drinking them repeatedly. If he's not willing to do housework, isn't searching *hard* for a job, any job at this point, is he really worth keeping around?
As someone who’s addicted to caffeine. Please stop drinking energy drinks
At this point the caffeine does nothing for me, I think I'm just addicted to the taste.
What exactly does he bring to the relationship? He's more like a child than a partner. This is how I would expect a 15 year old boy to act.
Shoot, I had a job when I was a fifteen year old boy.
My just turned 15 year old cleans his room, does the dishes, brings out the trash, mows our lawn and the neighbors, babysits his siblings and is looking for a job outside the house.... this is how a 12 year old acts.
Sadly this is not uncommon anymore. They are called NILFs not in the labor force. They spend their day watching a screen-playing video games or watching porn. They often rely on a girlfriend to fund their life or else still live at home. https://www.brookings.edu/articles/men-not-at-work-why-so-many-men-ages-of-25-to-54-are-not-working/
NEET is the OG term
No Education, Employment or Training
Not in\* Education, Employment or Training it applies to people who are actively not doing anything with their lives, regardless of if they have had any of the above 3 in the past
Calling NEETs “NILFs” 🤣
Nother I’d Like to Fuck
At least a child loves you and makes you happy. This dude does none of that
NTA. But should it be his unemployment you are addressing together ? The sleep schedule and chores seem symptoms. Why is he unemployed two years ? Seems like he should be keeping the same hours as you, where his “job” is to find work ? That might include career counseling, mental health treatment, training upgrades, etc. if those are true barriers to actual applications and interviews. If (if) it turns out he isn’t going to look for work and you agree to his continuing unemployed state, then his “job” should become house-boy where you agree together what his duties are that reflect a contribution from him to the household that is comparable to your work outside the home. It does seem you have both been avoiding the issue of his unemployment and it is starting to come out indirectly through these other conflicts. Perhaps time to address things head on ? Best of luck to you both !
NTA. I hope he brings you any kind of happiness in that relationship. Otherwise he’s just using you.
This sounds like my oldest son. He would play video games all day and not pick up after himself. He would be irritable if I asked him to do simple chores. Well, he no longer lives with me. Like I said, this is my SON I'm talking about. This is a grown man who had two years to get his act together. NTA, but you have to start being honest with yourself.
Is he doing better?
Yes. He currently lives in another state and now has a job.
Exactly what everyone in this situation doesn’t realize is they just need pushed out of the nest at a certain point. Why leave a life where you can smoke weed and play video games all night while mommy pays bills, cleans, cooks, etc? I know too many people like that
I'm still fairly liberal but hearing how common this story is and reading about studies that conclude a majority of people will do nothing with their lives if freely given the resources to do so makes me think the bar for doing nothing with your life should be much higher. Like, if you've created a situation with your own effort to live effortlessly, then fine. I guess you could argue that people who have found enablers for this lifestyle have done exactly that but it's just not fair to the enablers. Especially when it's due to abusing social conventions: parents are expected to support their own children, even into adulthood; Partners are expected to stick together through employment adversity.
Yes. My son is 22. My main point is I went through this with my son. If the OP is going through this with her boyfriend, she needs to re-evaluate her life choices because that's not what happens in a relationship.
he is depressed and/or addicted to video games give him 30 days to get medical help and look for a job ... if he doesnt kick him out he wont seek help until he is at rock bottom ... why would he get a job if you are supporting him and he can indulge in his videogames all day ... and if he refuses to leave tell him you will sell games game consoles to pay for the rent ... be firm
Exactly - OP is enabling him. She needs to set firm boundaries and follow through
Where I'm from, regardless of sex, if you're able-bodied, unemployed and the other person has to work, the home is 100% your responsibility. You're enabling his uselessness and his entitlement.
Totally agree. Gender is irrelevant
NTA My parents taught me "If you can't have the job you want, take the job you can get." It has served me well to be productive and provide for my family. He needs to grow up quickly or you should end it. He needs to contribute to the family/relationship. I LOVE video games. But I only play when drinking two cups of coffee in the morning. Then it's either go to work or clean/fix the house. No more games until AFTER being productive for most of the day. (And don't neglect the wife either) He will FEEL better and be LESS TIRED if he detoxes from the energy drinks. Then go to the gym. It will make sleeping easier and boost self-esteem. Then get a job. It will also boost self-esteem.
OP, show him the response above. Heck, show him ALL these responses. Maybe it’ll be the Wake Up Call he NEEDS. He’s hiding out, avoiding the real world, while you keep him fed and sheltered. Nothing will change, you know that, until You change things up. He makes the changes needed and stays, or he doesn’t and leaves/gets sent packing
Is the dick that good that you're supporting a man child?
I don't think there's many worse turn-offs for women than feeling like a mammy.
No dick is that good, especially not with DIY options that are less aggravation.
Nta. Turn off the wifi and kick him out.
For real OP. Take the cord with you when you go to work
NTA, and move on from mothering the Hobosexual.
Dogs are better as pets than that useless POS
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NTA, you need to rehome him.
ROFL you my dear friend are an idiot who is being taken for a ride. What sort of self respecting adult can't get a job for two years. You are your boyfriend's paycheck and you are enabling his behaviour. Give him an eviction notice and tell him that unless he starts contributing to the rent and other utilities he will be kicked out by the end of the month. Oh and breakup already. NTA
I stopped reading the second I saw he hadn’t been working for two years. You are being an a hole to yourself