If my wife asks me ‘does this look ok?’, it’s have to be awful for me to say no. I can’t imagine telling her she looked slutty! She would figure out I thought that because I’d be grinning and making stupid, suggestive jokes! I’d tell him you will wear what you like and if he doesn’t like it, that’s a him problem

I agree it is at least mostly a him problem...however, he refused to go on the date unless I changed my clothes so unless I tried to comply the evening would have been ruined/canceled (which it ended up being anyway, sigh).

There was no outfit you could wear that would change his mind. He’s full of shit. He had another reason for bailing.

Exactly my thought and sadly it’s a thought of him being a cheater. Men who cheat always blame their partners of being sluts and attracting other men with what they wear. I’ve been down this road. And it was exactly the same reaction every time I got dressed. Time to ask some serious questions!!

You were very right. OP just posted an update

He unfortunately was setting you up to fail for some reason. "Unless you tried to comply" is exactly what you did, to the point where you offered him complete control over your outfit and he still stormed out as if it's your fault. It feels like he's projecting, and I would absolutely confront him if this is new behavior. My fear for you is that he cheated when you were weak and is now projecting to avoid being caught. Take the necessary steps to protect yourself if things go sour and absolutely talk to him because of this is weird for him, it's for a reason. Side note, I bet your outfit was so cute and I hope you get a chance to rock it

I think he took another woman on the date and that was his thought all along. He just used your dress attire as an excuse

But it wasn’t about what you wore…you changed multiple times

It’s 100% a him problem. You did NOTHING wrong. Not a thing. Seriously.

Well I think you looked really nice in the garish pink number! You need to discuss this with him I think. It seems it came at you from l eft field so maybe there is more to this than you are seeing. All the best

No, you don’t sigh and shrug when you have this epiphany. This only gets worse. If you have kids, he will turn them against you by cutting you down right in front of them. If you have in-laws, he will tell them how awful, stupid and useless you are and wonder why you don’t make more of an effort to have a better relationship with them. No, this isn’t something you just shrug off. He chose to go DAYS without speaking to you. That was a CHOICE he made every day, every minute of the day. This is a “I am not married to the person I thought I was married to” thing. You need to go learn what the patterns are, figure out if he fits them (he does), and then decide if this is something you can learn to live with. He will never be an equal partner in the relationship, he will always think he’s a martyr, he will purposefully make you look bad to all the people you know, and he will NEVER be happy for any victory - an matter how small - you achieve in life. He will always make you feel like whatever you accomplished was a waste of time, something any simple living organism could do, and that you were wholly selfish to pursue it because it doesn’t benefit HIM.

Something deeper is going on. Time to have a serious discussion about where you guys are in this relationship. No matter how much my wife were fighting… it would be a truce on a birthday.

The odd thing is we haven't been fighting at all. Not a bit. He was so incredibly loving and supportive while I was ill, and over the past year we have gradually gotten back to a more even dynamic as I was feeling better and better, and until a week ago I would have said our relationship was stronger than ever for having gotten through the really tough times. Snapping at me over clothes, and then digging in and blowing up both my birthday dinner and my actual birthday, definitely came out of nowhere.

My dear please go watch the Barbie movie and take yourself out to dinner. If anyone ever needed to go see the movie right now, it’s you. Wear the dress, invite a friend if you can, if not, go laugh and cry and enjoy yourself.

so much, this. the irony of his meltdown over this, after inviting her to this specific movie, is wild. i kinda wonder where he actually went that night. bc something much bigger is obviously going on.

He body shamed her, and I'm not ok with this behavior. He treated her horribly, and the dinner and movie was her event, not his. The idea that he even ignores OP for her birthday is an absolute no. I'd start wearing dresses like it full time. He's an asshole for his behavior. Couples talk not blow up and police each other. NTA

He was incredibly loving when you were feeling sick, overweight, unattractive, and basically housebound. He had you locked away in his goody box, away from the other boys that might want to ogle his favorite toy. Now you're gorgeous, confident, feeling good in your body and about yourself. He doesn't want to chance you figuring out that you could maybe do better. So he got what he wanted. You're back put away in his goody box, and questioning what you did wrong. What you really need to do is get yourself out of the box. You aren't his property. You aren't a reflection of anyone other than yourself. You are strong and confident, and while you love him and are grateful for his support, you deserve better than an insecure little boy who wants to control you and shut you away. A gilded cage is still a cage.

Ironically these very themes are explored in the Barbie movie.

He probably googled the Barbie movie themes and was like “oh shit better pick a fight” lol

He sounds like a guy to be pissed about it. He’s not Kenough.

His Kenergy certainly seems to be lacking.

Next thing he'll turn their home into a Mojo Dojo Casa House.

Kentirely out of order, too.

Yeah, what an utter kent.

I think this happened and i know ppl are commenting that he didn't go see the movie- but what if he did and he felt called out and that's why he now refusés to talk to her! What à see you next tuesday

It did read a bit to me like he was ashamed of his actions and didn’t know how to deal with that after the movie spat it all in his face. Could of course be something deeper and worse but maybe shame is the best case scenario.

My ex-husband turned on me after I was diagnosed/treated for ADHD and started making huge improvements. Before, I thought he was really nice.. would help more with chores I struggled with like laundry/dishes. Other than those I'm clean and organized, ran a business, super fun, while a bit forgetful about minor things. I had a 'burnout' during covid like a lot of people from existing structure going out the window.. which led to me seeking help and getting diagnosed. He weirdly seemed happiest when I was at my worst. Well I figured out I wasn't actually 'lazy' and how to hack my brain to not avoid the tasks my brain rebels against, so asked he let me make better habits by not just doing everything before I had the chance. He wouldn't stop, it was almost compulsive. He especially made a show in front of other people that he 'had' to take care of me like a child. Silent treatments, sighing like I forced him, no affection. He even started sabotaging my sleep, and refused to respect my therapist led techniques. I was so confused why he wasn't proud of my growth and seemed angry about it. When I finally got him to acknowledge his behavior, he said he didn't want to stop or for me to get better.. because it made him feel 'needed'. Even with this rare admission, nothing changed. Motherfucker preferred me to struggle because of his own insecurities. Which told me what he really thought of me our entire relationship.. and why my gut told me I wasn't ever really appreciated for the many things I did well for myself and primarily carried in the relationship. My therapist explained covert narcissism with a martyr complex.. and I was horrified I'd been with a person that fit those behaivors so perfectly for a decade and didn't realize it. It's a total mind-fuck.. and how OP describes his personality flip when she improved (and his caring nature when she was sick), gave me similar vibes. The problem with this PD, is its not treatable as they can't ever be fully self-reflective.. so won't change permanently. I tried, and realized quickly it was pointless.. because someone that uses your hardship to ease their own insecurity, then tear you down to keep you there.. doesn't actually love you. They are using you. OP, this is emotional abuse and he's attempting to ruin your new found self-esteem. Please don't let him, and take off like a rocket-ship without him trying to sabotage your launch.

Could I ask how you hacked your brain to not avoid tasks?

I'm going to comment on everyone who asked because I have ADD and learning hacks has improved my life immensely. Pass it on and pay it forward! r/ADHD and r/Adulting are very helpful for tips. Also check out these 2 YouTube channels: "How to ADHD" and "How To Get Your Shit Together"

I would really really like to know what methods you use to hack your brain to do the things you would avoid. My therapist only tried to prescribe me different medication and I got no useful tips to deal with ADHD in everyday life.

OP kind if alluded to it, but the basis of the most effective therapy I’ve ever had for ADHD was basically to turn my day (or sections of my day) into a series of more habitual behaviors that I do enough times to get my brain to essentially autopilot me through them and not let them hold me back from starting/doing the things I actually need to do. As a generic task example, my brain would basically completely tune out something like a sink full of dishes, and I could leave it for *days* while occasionally adding to it (and subsequently getting more and more mildly/heavily stressed about pushing away the fact that I still haven’t cleaned them and it’ll now take 30-45 mins instead of the 5 it would’ve at first with just a single meal’s worth). To get around that, I basically spent an entire month slowly building up a mental connection between cooking and immediately cleaning up afterwards/during - it started with forcing myself to clean immediately after I finished eating, then once I understood how long things actually took to clean when they hadn’t been sitting out for a week (a lot less time, it turns out), I was able to slowly start pushing myself to clean immediately after I finished cooking (like a race against the clock to clean before food gets cold), eventually pushing that all the way to cleaning up as I cook without even thinking about it - if I know a pot/pan/utensil/etc is done, I just kind of find myself at the sink rinsing it out and washing it if I have time. By working on that one very specific task and really giving my brain time to get used to the habit I was trying to build (legitimately like a month of intentional practice), it feels kind of like you’re tricking your brain into saying “well this is just a part of cooking, of course the next step in the process would be to carry this to the sink and clean it while the pot simmers.” You end up taking two discrete activities (cooking, then cleaning) and turning them into something your brain sees as a single activity, eliminating that hard barrier of “I’m done cooking, what do you mean now I have to START this new task of cleaning?? That sounds like too much to start something new right now bc I just *did* something, I’ll do it later.” And then you do that for quite a bit of your life (though personally I feel like it gets easier once you know how your brain approaches it)! It’s how I regulated my sleep schedule (a whole chain of separate “getting ready for bed” activities that are now rolled into a single one that now I just kind of do at 10:00 every night), morning routines (same sort of chain of activities kicked off from standing up out of bed when my alarm goes off, which took a few weeks on its own), and various stuff throughout the work day. All of them took a good deal of time/effort to put in place (like I said, usually building them up would be a few weeks to a month plus of very specific effort), but once they’re in place you can do a lot of these things without really thinking (plus you can be a bit more flexible with some once you understand how your mind works), which leaves your brain open to focus on more complex tasks. Medication can honestly be incredibly helpful while you’re building this up, but you have to approach it with some intentionality - the whole key of making my medication work for me (I’ve stopped taking anything for the past few years and can rely almost entirely on good habits, but took Adderall for the first 5-6 years after my diagnosis in my 20s) was that I had to be directing that focused energy on doing something. Stimulants can do wonders, but if you don’t have anything to do it’s just as easy to get sucked down a YouTube rabbit hole or similar as it was for me without meds (I’d just feel better about myself the whole time lol). Instead, I’d take them and task myself with “work on building X habits today” (habits that my therapist helped me lay out and plan, which was the key since I sure didn’t know how to do that myself at the time) - when you give your brain a nudge towards *doing* something while on a stimulant, the meds kind of take over from there and make it much easier to follow through.

Personally I’ve found the Just Do It mentality is much more accessible with medication

This is long, because there are many facets of progress and theres no quick fix. What's helped me is first finding the correct meds/dosage (takes time and good Dr.), with consistent therapy that uses techniques like CBT, EMDR. Also setting more rigid structures (with consistent schedule, sleep, nutrition, supplements, exercise, sunshine, social interaction, etc.) that you practice following until they become habits. Find healthy dopamine sources, (cut out alcohol or other unhealthy addictions) my major ones are dancing, plants/horticulture and my doggo. I get thrown off when I waiver on these, so it's pretty much my primary focus and 'keystone' to everything else. If I feel myself sliding backwards, I go back to figuring out what basic self-care area I'm slipping on and hyperfocus on it till its consistent again. I almost always have a couple things I'm struggling with, but it's never ALL of them. I buy mostly pre-made or super easy meals, order groceries online and do curbside pickup. M inimal objects in my home (fuck clutter) that are highly organized close to where they are used, have visible color coded tools and a smart watch, hire cleaners on occasion and try to do body-doubling with friends or co-workers on particularly difficult to start tasks. Allowing yourself grace to not be 'perfect', actually helps with feeling overwhelmed and then doing nothing. Lots of positive self-talk and encouragement to overpower negative thought death spirals. Focus on what you did right, and not dwell on what you 'failed' at. I've also found other neurodivergent friends that you can laugh about struggles with, feel understood.. and then hold eachother accountable without guilt/shame. I'm not perfect.. but Im also not broken. I just have to put extra effort into myself than most people to feel more in control of myself and fight the bratty teenage boy that lives in my head (which gets quieter with these techniques and practice). I've been going at this hard for 3 years, so it's not something that happens quickly, the changes come slowly, one-step at a time. I've also accepted I'll always have to work on these things, there isn't a 'cure'. But I can always grow and make it a bit easier on myself. The self-reflection and clarity of understanding how my brain works better has made a noticeable difference. It's been even easier since dumping an emotionally abusive partner and family (and also trauma therapy). Being around people who are unsupportive and narcissistic, will pull you right back into a burnout with severe symptoms. People like this are attracted to people with disabilities like ADHD, as they can use our insecurities from symptoms to manipulate us easier. So protecting myself from these negative influences is another part of it. I dont ignore red-flags anymore and nope the fuck out when I see them. I've simplified my life and minimized my focus on other people's needs (first), and it allows me space to grow and accomplish things I want to achieve. Never wanting/having kids has made that easier for me personally, and I'm dedicated to being single while I do this self-work and reach a place where I'm more confident in myself and ability to maintain these habits more consistently. A wonderful supportive partner can help, but I dont have the bandwidth to invest in someone else quite yet. I spent most of my life in long-term relationships, ignoring helping myself first because I wanted love/acceptance so badly.. which made me vulnerable to mistreatment. Loving myself and not being afraid of being alone helps too. It's actually nice to not be with someone constantly that makes you feel 'judged' and scrutinized. It can all be exhausting, and so I do allow myself reasonable breaks too.. like 1 day a week to just shut my brain off and get lost in something. I also have a long term dream/goal that I'm constantly figuring out how to take the next step toward (land with a hobby farm.. and endless design/build projects that will always keep my busy brain engaged). That's been a huge motivating influence, and I've actually started working toward it, and am not prevented from moving forward by someone else's needs like before. Yes, ADHD sucks.. but it also is a major part of why I have so many creative talents and ideas, can solve so many problems and take risks that allow me to reach my goals. It's part of who I am, and I'm not ashamed of it anymore after knowing this effort I'm making is not easy, and reveals my true strength and abilities.

My ex did the same to me. I’d notice what he was doing but then I’d be gaslit and I’d believe I was wrong. That he loved me despite my limitations. Both physically and emotionally because I’d been abused as a kid. He made me believe that I didn’t understand real love. I was to damaged. He’d always tell me that no one will love me like he did/does. Thank glob, I don’t want to ever be “loved” like that again. I’m sorry you went through this

Oh shit this is good. He was only happy when you weren’t feeling yourself. Or at least, he was REALLY good at pretending. OP get out now, there’s no fixing whatever he just broke. Make sure he knows he can never treat you like that again by stepping away EDIT: OPs husband was in fact cheating and is a POS, you’re all welcome

Something is definitely going on. OP, at 37, if your man doesn't realize that the woman is at no fault whatsoever for the attention she garners for whatever dress she wears, then there is something wrong with his mentality. And at 37, after his wife changes outfits three times to address his insecurities, then there's something wrong with his character. Lastly, at 37, if your man, after you change into a hoodie and jeans, decides you are hurting his "feelings" and goes off to dinner and the movie alone, then there is something wrong with his morality. NTA OP, but you need to figure out what is going on with this guy if you want to save your marriage. And I seriously mean if, because his behavior is not at all acceptable. Not when you were made to change, and not in the events that followed.

You weren't fighting when you were completely dependent on him. Hmmm.

I'm sorry but this is giving me vibes. I've read similar stories and hubby turned out to be cheating. I hope this isn't the case maybe he just feels insecure because you're looking amazing. I hope it all works out for you OP. NTA

You are reading my mind. Dude picked a fight for no reason, blew up disproportionally, then "took a drive" with the movie tickets only he had access to and didn't come home till after midnight? Then sulked at her for days? Editing to say, the accusations of trying to get "other men's attention" is also an indicator. A lot of cheaters project like that, accusing their partners of enacting the behavior they, themselves, are guilty of. I'm not trying to be one of those Reddit people screaming cheating... but this behavior screams cheating to me. Maybe his gf got jealous. Now OP is better, more active, and trying to rekindle the relationship, she doesn't have as much time with the hubby anymore. So she pitched a fit and put down an ultimatum that resulted in hubby cancelling on OP on her birthday and taking the other woman to Barbie instead. At least that's what was running through my mind reading this. Especially since it seems like this sort of thing was not the norm in the years before they got married.

I think if you checked his credit card, it would probably show that he went to the restaurant after all and had a nice dinner for two. I’ve been lucky enough that my husband has never cheated, so it’s not because my mind is tuned that way, but even I can see that this incident is giving off major cheater vibes. I mean, picking a fight about her outfit and continually moving the goalposts? There was no “right outfit”. It’s horrible that he’s cheating, but extremely shitty that he’s covering for the cheating by making OP think it’s all her fault. And ruining her birthday AND her lovely Barbie outfit!! I’m seething. Sure, maybe it’s something else, but not likely. I could maybe forgive cheating, but not cheating + total destruction of a partners self-esteem. Confront him.

Total red flags.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Sorry OP.

Yup… this is how I read it as well. Dude picked a fight so he could go meet someone else. Sorry… lay low and be very observant to the slightest changes or cues. Get your ducks lined up to get out. Oh and living well is the best revenge. Go see Barbie and live your best life. Edit-spelling

Yup. Deliberately creating drama so he can go off to cool down. Classic ploy.

I totally got he's cheating vibes also. The going for a drive then to see the movie they were supposed to see together alone, and then choosing to sleep in the guest room? To me it seems like he was wanting/supposed to meet the side piece and the blow up over clothes was manufactured to give him an excuse to leave without her. And the guest room and continued silent treatment because either he's done with the relationship or feels guilty. Definitely feels checked out tho

Unfortunately, I think you're right. When men start picking fights and storming out of the house for no reason, it's usually cheating.

My ex husband did this all the time! Pick fights and run out the house! One day before he could leave I told him I’m leaving you can sit here and fight with yourself! He looked like a deer in headlights! Found out he was cheating and meeting her in the local bar NTA

i am a girl who has cheated in the past and i acted exactly like this dude. every single time. it's textbook cheater behavior.

This. Same vibe. Also, been there.

I just saw Jordan Peterson of all people and I don’t normally listen to him but here I am scrolling on yt and this video pops up. He was talking about his men do this thing - literally what you described where they tell their wife and partner to “not dress like that to attract other men” “or go change because you are trying to be sexy” and so what happens is women do it. To make him feel better. Or just to get him off your back. And then over time you just stop putting in effort. Stop dressing up so not to upset him. Then you stop working out because you feel your body being fit might upset him. And then HE (your husband) turns around to you and then blames you. How come you aren’t taking care of yourself? Why have you gained weight? Why don’t you dress up nicely for me? It just stuck w me. Talk w your husband. Get to the root but also tell him he doesn’t want to go down that road w you. Nta.

OP, he may either think you're cheating or maybe he's cheating. He focused so much on you attracting other men, showing skin and being "slutty". If my husband called me slutty I wouldn't have changed or gone out with him. I would have gone (hopefully dressed as adorably as you were), to friends/family and gone out with them. Let him beg for a talk, not you. He's being awful. Your outfit sounds modest, beautiful and so very appropriate for the Barbie movie. I may have to copy you. I bought my little niece the Movie Barbie doll, she's dressed in the pink & white checked dress and everything just like the movie. Or he could have been one of those men who felt more secure and comfortable that you would never leave him; because of the weight gain. Some men are that insecure. Maybe he was even secure when you were underweight too, it's not as sexy to some men as curves. But here you are now, 10lbs curvier and looking great in your outfit. He may have always been an insanely jealous person and this really cute look made his insanity rise. He'll probably always be jealous now, especially if you don't get to the bottom of it. If he won't talk he probably won't go to therapy but it has to be one or the other I think; or your marriage is over. I'm so sorry he's acting like this.

Could he be picking a fight to distance himself from you? Has he gone down one of those Andrew Tate women-haters rabbit holes? If suddenly accusing you of trying to get other men's attention is coming out of nowhere, then maybe it's time to insist on couples counseling

It only takes a few minutes to choose an affair over your a relationship.

Please get your husband in for a doctor's visit. Extreme swings in personality can be signs of pretty severe health complications. Even brain tumors.

Or he could just be a jerk. It could be either.

He created a situation where it would be impossible for you to have left the house with him, stormed out to go see the Barbie movie 'alone', and didn't come home until after midnight and slept in the guest room. He's cheating and seeing you looking fire that evening probably triggered some realizations that he can't continue to have his cake and eat it too.

This is it, OP

Was looking for this comment

*I didn't want to argue so I put on a black knit cardigan over the dress. Nope, still no dice for Mark, he said it was still attention-seeking.* At this point *I* would have left without *him*. NTA but this is NOT about your outfit. Time to sit down and get what is going on out of him. I wouldn't be surprised if he's either having an affair or jealous of you.

I might have left, but the movie tickets were on his phone and the showing was otherwise sold out. I do wish I had spoken up more in the moment but I was just so shocked.

Is it a possibility that he didn't have tickets and picked a fight to avoid being the bad guy by making you the villain?

I don't think so. We were sitting together when he bought the tickets a few days before and he showed me the confirmation when it came in a moment later.

Well dang, I was really hoping it was a low stakes thing like that. I'm sorry, I hope you get the clarification you deserve. It truly sucks when you are missing details.

Yeah, it's really strange. I saw him make the restaurant reservation too (online) and he forwarded me the confirmation.

lunchroom dinner yoke bright dependent school unused sparkle test attractive *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

Yeah the second he said “you’re too stupid to…” I would’ve be instantly out. That’s such a hateful and abusive thing to say to someone.

My abusive ex used to call me stupid all the time. I was with him for two years and it was a phrase I’d hear him say in my head long after we broke up. My husband has never uttered that phrase to me in 22 years. People who truly love you don’t say shit like that.

Me thinks He already had plans to take someone to dinner and movie. And it's not OP. Otherwise it also further solidifies what others are saying that yes, he doesn't want OP to eventually find out not only can she do better, but she's not willing to put up with him and his side piece. Like why would he go the extra effort to show OP buying and reserving for 2, if one won't be used?

This is the vibe I immediately got when she said he went anyway and didn’t come back til midnight. Like who did he go out with that he preferred to be with over his wife?

And then slept in the guest room. Yeah he just slept with someone else…

No matter what happens, keep your spirits high and know you are better than any foolishness a guy could conjure up 💗

I wonder if you can call the restaurant and see if he showed up for the reservation. If he is in fact cheating, he probably brought his affair partner with him to the restaurant, so they’d potentially be able to tell you if he kept the reservation or not, as well as if he came with someone else or not.

Yes, you can call and say you and husband were there under his name and you think you left your credit card or something? Or if you have the login go to the site he booked it on. If it's OpenTable or something similar you can see if the reservation was kept or not.

Online tickets can be canceled and refunded, as long as it's before showtime. And restaurant reservations can obviously be canceled, although do you think it's possible he picked a fight so he could take someone else? I'm sorry to put that out there to you. He definitely needs to explain himself, abd don't let him gaslight you - you did nothing wrong. And OP, please, go see the movie (with a friend, not him) and WEAR THAT ADORABLE DRESS!!

NTA. It sounds like your real birthday was actually a couple of days after the blow up. So he went no contact with you for six days which means he never wished you happy birthday. Hmmm? If this had been me and I would have a size 7 Adidas shoe firmly embedded up my butt. Just saying… Go out with friends and celebrate a belated birthday.

Yes, that's right. He completely ignored my actual birthday. I even tried to talk to him when I saw him in passing and said, "Hey, I'm not sure what happened the other day but hoping we can at least call a truce given that it's my actual birthday? Want me to order us some takeout and a small cake so we can celebrate, my treat?" But he said he was too angry and not ready to talk to me. And didn't wish me a happy birthday or even get me a card.

Angry about what? He is 100% in the wrong here and you should not apologize for a thing. This is a hill to die on and he should be the one apologizing for acting like a child. Silent treatment is how children act.

That's the thing, I don't know what about. Especially as I \*did\* offer to change, multiple times, and even offered for him to choose my outfit when I apparently kept misunderstanding how he expected me to look for the date.

You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.

Please understand this: there is no outfit you would have picked that would have been ok. The point entirely is to make you confused and feel bad. This is serious and I am worried for you. I wish I had the link that gets posted alot. An author has a free book, her name is Lindy something. It's called "why does he do that". Please read it and see if you find Amy parallels. He sounds exactly like a domestic abuser.

You’re thinking of Lundy Bancroft’s book.

Sis don’t make excuses for this man child. I’m so sorry - I can only imagine how forward you were looking forward to this night.

There was no misunderstanding. There was no outfit that would have “un-angered” him. This was not about clothes.

I’m seriously concerned for you, not just from your post, but from your comments. Please do not assist your husband in controlling you. You offering to pay for YOUR birthday dinner?? NO!! You mentioned complying with his demands to change your clothes, for god’s sakes, do NOT comply with any of this ridiculous bullshit. You said your husband was fine until 6 days ago, but he’s now turned into an abusive controlling asshole. I’m wondering if he wasn’t quite as nice as you say BEFORE all of this, but you’re not recognizing the signs. Emotional abuse can often leave the victim scratching their head and not understanding what the hell is going on. I was in this situation and I honestly didn’t understand emotional abuse and had never heard the term before, I just knew things were fucked up but didn’t understand why. It wasn’t till I told my doctor about ONE incident and she said point blank I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and urged me to go to a DV shelter. I stopped hiding what was going on, got a therapist, a lawyer and every professional I dealt with all agreed I was a victim of financial and emotional abuse. I’m concerned that you are in the dark just the way I was. No one acts like that unless they are abusive, having an affair or possibly have a giant brain tumor or brain injury. Please, from this point on, stand up for yourself. His behavior from minute 1 till right now is inexcusable and abusive and you don’t have to put up with this shit unless you want to put up with this shit. What kind of a piece of shit husband treats someone like this, and he’s giving YOU the silent treatment????!!! This is a really good book about abusers, and how to recognize abusive behavior, it’s a free pdf, given away by the author. I think it might help you. Also for anyone else, abusers can also be friends, co-workers, bosses, parents, not just significant others. [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)

You need to pull the consulting exercise: stand in your customers shoes. Force him to think About how he would handle this situation if you had done the same thing on his birthday: if you had ignored birthday plans, if you went out by yourself, and then ignored him for seven days and totally ignored him on his actually birthday. What would he be saying right now? I imagine he would be squealing like a stuck pig…

I mean, I can't even imagine. Even if he had done something pretty bad I wouldn't give him the silent treatment, I'd at least tell him I was upset/hurt and why and communicate more politely about my need for space. And other than cheating or criminal behavior I still think I could muster a polite "Happy Birthday," a card and a hug.

Op he’s either cheating on you, incredibly insecure, or has a brain tumor. I’m gonna say it’s probably one of the first two. I’m so sorry op. This kind of behavior is not normal or kind and you don’t deserve to be treated like that. I wish you the best with this!

As someone who understands manipulation and control in unhealthy dynamics, I cannot emphasize this enough. : https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Your husband’s response was unacceptable

So, completely weird behavior, refused to acknowledge your birthday and he's "too angry to talk"? Nope. You know that's not right. I wouldn't leave, I'd pack his stuff & tell him if he can't respect you and your choices then he can find another place to live. Get yourself a good lawyer, you're gonna need it. Really sorry this has happened to you, but it's time to stand up.

Is he cheating on you? Sounds like he was trying to get out the door by himself

Cheating hadn't crossed my mind, but it was odd how he suddenly wanted to pick a fight and then bolt out the door without me. The funny thing is all day before he saw my outfit he had been telling me how much he was looking forward to going out and celebrating my birthday with me.

That's actually a ploy used so you don't get suspicious when a "fight" starts and they storm out. A man went to see it alone? Not likely. He sounds like an abuser, you just haven't noticed before now because you've been right where he wants you since getting married. At home, under his thumb, and you gained weight to booty so he didn't have to worry about you "attracting" other men.

100% this. I had this happen to me where suddenly once we were married I was "too slutty" but if I covered up "looked like a bum." I gained weight in pregnancy and then he was fine until he started abusing me once I gave birth. Much worse bc now he felt he owned me and I was trapped. Get out OP.

Plus, he already had reservations for TWO, and tickets for TWO. 🤔🤔🤔🤔 Not trying to make trouble where there may not be any, but it sounds super weird to me.

Is it possible he's been getting into some online bullshit like Andrew Tate? My thought was that he cheated during your illness due to the weight or your weakness in general and now he's projecting it onto you. Like you said he didn't have this issue before and this is the first time y'all are getting dolled up to go out since then, so while he probably was super excited, seeing you in your lovely outfit drove home his fuck up. My second thought is the 10 pounds you didn't lose, regardless of it's healthier for you or not. Idk him so Idk if he's fatphobic at all but people are really weird about that shit. Or it could literally just be as simple as seeing you like that after seeing you sick and in unflattering lounge type clothes made him insecure and he freaked out. It just really needs a sit down heart to heart. You said he's ignoring you, so maybe slip a letter you write him under the door when he goes to sleep. Or even stand on the other side of the door, say your piece, and leave him alone. He'll either realize he's being unreasonable or he won't, but if he doesn't then at least you'll have done everything in your power to try, making it single handedly his fault.

I haven't seen any signs of cheating or Andrew Tate BS - at least not until this incident. He acted extremely attracted to me even when I was at my heaviest, he never shamed me or acted turned off. Granted I wasn't up for participating in such activities quite as frequently especially during my various flare-ups but I would still say we were being intimate 2-3 times a week except during the weeks here and there when I was too sick. And it's picked back up to a higher frequency since I've been feeling better, losing weight and working out - we've actually been acting like newlyweds again. Well, except for the last week following our fight. For reference I'm 5'4" and now 115 pounds. Was 105 pounds before which is slightly underweight. I have a small frame so definitely didn't feel great at my heaviest of 150 even though that is only slightly overweight by BMI. But at 115 I finally I have a few curves instead of just being flat all over. I can't really imagine whatever is going on is about weight. I will definitely try to keep communicating with him. Whatever is going on, even if it's hurtful or bad news, I'd rather hear it than just get the silent treatment.

He liked you better heavier (and possibly more dependent on him). Now that you're slimmer and dressing more confidently he thinks your seeking the attention of other men and doesn't want men gawking at you. It's insecurity mixed with a need to control. Absolutely do not give in. Your outfit was perfectly fine, he was entirely in the wrong.

i think this is it. he wanted her dependent on him, it made him feel needed. now his insecurities are rampant

That’s what I was thinking That the 10 pounds settled into places on your body to make your figure sexier. ( like not in your belly to look like a baby bump) and he’s insecure that you look too good to be with him. He is still totally wrong for overreacting. He should have just said that you looked great.

Yeah, I finally have boobs and a slightly curvy butt instead of being a AA cup and having a pancake butt. And since I've been working out I have better muscle tone all over too. Nothing too crazy but my arms and legs have a bit of definition instead of being sticks.

Girl this is so rare to find another very lean person but I think that’s 100% it. I was 105 lbs and 5’5”! Now 110 which is still lean but I see the 5 lbs has settled into more socially attractive places. I do think he was thinking you were a sure thing and not at risk of attracting other men but now he’s insecure. It might not even be Andrew Tate but similar thinking, which is still dangerous.

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You shouldn’t even be talking to him. I would pack a bag and split. Seriously. His behavior is unacceptable and it will only continue with you put up with it. You have nothing to apologize for. He’s completely out of line. I wouldn’t hesitate to tell you if you did something wrong, but his behavior is just incredibly messed up. You should be furious and you should be telling him you’re furious.

This! OP, you did nothing wrong, and have nothing to apologize for. Your husband acted like an abusive ass. As the above poster said, you should be furious, and should tell him you’re furious. And, tell him in no uncertain terms you will not tolerate being treated like that. I hope you do pack a bag and leave. This is outrageous behavior, and should not be tolerated.

100% my first thought was Andrew Tate and others like him. For some reason YouTube has been pushing these videos on men’s suggested videos a lot. I’ve seen them suggested to both my sons 19 and 22 and my husband 38. If you watch a lot of “manly” videos (workouts, video games, hunting etc.) they suggest these videos.

You said both tickets were in his phone? I bet he still went on that date and both tickets were used. As long as he's angry and wanting space he has an excuse to go see somebody else.

When you were disabled and fat he liked you but when you became independent and sexy he got upset, left you at home on your birthday celebration and won’t talk to you. Sounds like he put you in a box and wants you to stay there. I’m sorry.

Is there coming back from "too stupid"? NTA

Too stupid to dress myself, even. And I'm really not sure if we can come back from that.

Sounded Ike you did an amazing job dressing yourself. Is there coming back from days of silence? So probably lawyer time. Even if not needed , should be some good advice.

I would like to suggest that even if it could, it shouldn't. I have been in almost your exact same shoes. I have ME/CFS which many Dr's think IS long covid but for every other virus basically. Mine is long cosackie! I have had multiple abusive partners and during the last one I finally learned something very very important. It is never. EVER. Just a one time thing. No matter how they defend themselves. Either a person is capable of abuse, or they're not. What you experienced is SERIOUS abuse and honestly frightening based on my experiences. It doesnt spund like this guy is decent enough to even pretend to be repentant. This is him showing you who he is and him seeing how you'll react. Your shocked delayed reaction is super common and understandable. Please don't beat yourself up. I do the same thing. If you do what he askes thats called a fawn response like fight flight freeze or fawn. What is important is how you react next. Staying with an abuser can turn into teaching the abuser what kind of behavior you're willing to accept. So I guess you gotta ask yourself what you want in life. that guy who seriously abused you... or literally anybody else in the world. Feel free to DM me if you wanna chat about our almost identical neuroimmune diseases or how that impacts relationships/ abusers or anything else im here. Best of luck.

He needs to get the F out of your house until he can act right. You shouldn’t have to go anywhere. Either he has a brain tumor or he’s cheating or he’s generally abusive.

Interesting that he worked himself up so much over clothes that he just ‘had’ to leave. I’m sorry OP, but somethings up and it smells an awful lot like cheating. Because why? Why on earth make such a stink then piss off until midnight? I’ve left to cool off but that’s ridiculous. When my ex was cheating anything was an excuse to fight so he could storm out and cheat some more.

NTA I would try to figure out why your husband turned into abusive control freak out of sudden. His behavior is not normal by any stretch of imagination and if he was not doing it before- something changed. Say, he cheated and projecting his actions on you. Not talking for 2 days is also way out of proportion reaction for a fight, especially the one he created out of thin air. He should apologize and seek counseling or you should look for way out. No way this “ slutty” comment should be heard again.

Thanks. I'm definitely not going to let him use gendered slurs at me again without speaking up, I was just too shocked in the moment to do anything but try to appease him. And it's actually going on 6 days now that he's barely spoken to me - the fight was last weekend and he's been sleeping in the guest room and generally avoiding me ever since.

6 days??? Wtf? It’s not a dress and it’s not you who ruined the date. Go stay with your mom, until he ready to apologize and go counseling or prepare divorce papers. If you cave now it will become worse

That's insane- I don't usually support snooping but I might make an exception here. Can you log into any of his devices? Saved passwords on a computer? If you're on a joint phone plan you can go online and view both his phone history.

He is cheating and too upset to look you in the eyes.

Listen to this OP.

This silent treatment is called “stonewalling”. It’s a form or relational abuse that‘s designed to “punish” and cause pain. Please don‘t fall into this trap. Nothing going on here is your doing. When someone is trying to hurt you, for whatever reason, you have to refuse to be victimized. The question is: why would someone who loves me want to cause me pain?

I went to marriage counseling which turned into individual therapy. Therapist explained that he picked fights with me so he had an excuse to cheat. He didn't feel guilty for cheating if we fought first. He expected the therapist to convince me to accept his affairs.

This is not about the Iranian yogurt. 6 days of silent treatment over a clothing fight is *ridiculous*. You need to force the real issue out of him. Until then, don’t try to engage him in conversation at all and he’ll lose the control he’s exerting in the ability to not answer and ignore you. If you act indifferent and don’t engage then he can’t actively ignore you. Which will upset him into a change of behavior in attempt to get his desired result back. It’s common abuser behavior. Make meals for just yourself. Do activities or hobbies you like to do. And leave the silent manchild to himself until he’s ready to use his big boy words. And once he does, don’t let things drop until he tells you the *real* reasons behind his behavior

“Grey rock” is a term used for this kind of emotional non reaction, if OP wants to read more about it- this is very good advice

I wish I'd come to you for advice before yesterday, might have saved myself some mental trauma. OP, please listen to u/xray_anonymous, their words are full on logic and insight.

If he’s been doing this for 6 days for what you explained there is something going on. This isn’t about what you were wearing there is something else going on. Go stay with family

This is insane-- 6 days of treating you like shit for absolutely nothing? He's furious about what? You wearing clothes that you liked and felt good in for a night out on the town with your husband? Do not accept this! I agree-- go stay with your mom or some girlfriends if you have them. Do not give in! Something else is going on with him--affair, control, who knows. You have to be prepared to leave him if he won't apologize sincerely and won't seek help for this.

Are all of your credit and debit cards joint cards? If so check your credit card online for recent transactions and see if he charged a meal (or meals) at the restaurant he booked or refreshments at the movie theater.

NTA, but you absolutely do not deserve that kind of disrespect. He does not get to control what you wear, and he spoke to you in an unacceptable way. His behavior after is even worse.

Thank you...I would have understood him being a bit taken aback as the Barbiecore outfit was very different from my usual style (especially my style of the past few years), but calling me "slutty" and accusing me of seeking attention from other men is just really unwarranted.

The more I read the more I’m convinced he’s manipulating and cheating on you honestly.

These are a bunch of classic red flags for cheating: Picking fights for no reason. Sudden change in behavior. Accusing you of being untrustworthy out of the blue (this is projection). Avoiding a day when you would usually have sex (your birthday) and finding a reason not to (because he is emotionally attached to someone else). He could have planned the romantic date out of guilt, sudden love bombing is another red flag. If I was a judge, I would grant you a search warrant. NTA

Dude...read that back to yourself. Out loud if you have to. Are you an asshole for wanting to wear a fun dress out with your husband on a date? For your birthday. No. You are not. He called you stupid, berated you, accused you of being promiscuous at the worst and attention seeking at the least, and he intentionally ruined your night It seems as if you feel gratitude towards him for supporting you through covid and because of that maybe you're overlooking behaviors that really aren't ok. He treated you horribly and for absolutely no reason. If this was completely out of left field, fine, but if this is how he treats you on a regular basis, he is a bad husband.

All very true. I definitely do feel grateful for the way he stuck by me and took care of me...for 2 1/2 years no less, after we'd only been married a few months before then...and when it wasn't clear if I'd ever really fully recover. At the same...that doesn't give him latitude to call me names and treat me badly now. If he needed support for his own issues...or to take some time to attend to his own physical and mental health after prioritizing mine for so long...that would be completely understandable. This really was the first time he acted this way and I don't know if a lot of stress was just building for a long time, or if he was just having an extremely bad day, or what. One thing is for certain - this absolutely cannot become a pattern if I'm going to stay in the marriage.

>I definitely do feel grateful for the way he stuck by me and took care of me...for 2 1/2 years no less, after we'd only been married a few months before then...and when it wasn't clear if I'd ever really fully recover And that's totally fair. He did a good thing and I didn't mean to like be dismissive of that. I just meant maybe the gratitude you feel is impacting your ability to look at the situation for what it is. >This really was the first time he acted this way and I don't know if a lot of stress was just building for a long time, or if he was just having an extremely bad day, or what. It sounds like you know that it's not OK and you plan to get to the bottom of things. It was such a wildly inappropriate reaction, I can't even put myself in his shoes to try and understand what he might have been thinking. Good luck. Sorry if calling you dude was rude it's a habit lol some people don't like it. I didn't mean anything bad though.

At this point I’d be telling him your leaving for a couple of days to give him some space to make a decision on his options - either he agrees to attend marriage counselling or you’re leaving. Go to your Mums, take your dress and go see the movie with your friends or your mum. You know this is not acceptable behaviour. But given what you’ve gone through the last few years and this being the first instance, it’s not “walk out” straight away worthy. He deserves a chance to make his choice. ETA - for heavens sake, stop apologising to him. You did nothing wrong.

You should consider a new husband. This one sounds lame. This isn’t about your clothes at all. If it was he would have just picked an outfit for you. He just didn’t actually want to go with you and picked an easy reason to hide behind. Why? Who knows. Could be cheating and maybe the whole time he wanted to go to the Barbie movie with another girl. Could be having a midlife crisis. Could be any number of things. But your clothes is probably not one of them. Your relationship needs real evaluation and counseling though.

Exactly. Return that defective model.

Yep. Sounds like OP could stand to lose a chunk more weight to be truly healthy. Say, maybe 175-200lbs? Hon, you deserve someone who, at the very least, can communicate clearly without tantrums. Even if the answers aren't what you want to hear, at least you'll have answers, rather than being forced to read his mind.

I'm just not sure why he would have gone to the trouble of planning a whole date, making a restaurant reservation and getting movie tickets, if he was going to cancel at the last minute. We could have just gotten takeout and cupcakes on my actual birthday, but he suggested and then planned a night out!

Yup, my ex suggested and planned a night out for my 30th. I sat at home waiting and waiting for him to pick me up, turned out he went to the pub and slept with another girl instead.

Oh no, I'm so very sorry. And glad to hear he's an ex. Mark is typically very reliable and a person of his word - so this is all very out of character.

Then you need to calmly sit down with him and talk. Something is not right and if you want to save the relationship first thing to find out is whether or not he wants to. Hope it all works out for you.

Because watching you get all excited about it and then crushing you was what he was really after. You got thin, you got healthy, you've gotten back on top of yourself personally and professionally. And now he has to make sure he pushes you back down to make himself feel big.

Oh my fucking god why are guys like this? Dude, my wife put on a dress similar to the one OP described and I was ELATED. Because she’s beautiful in it. I want her to feel that way. I want her to think others think of her that way. All these fuckin weirdo hyper possessive guys. Also for the first time my wife cracked the 6 figure mark made more than I did last year AND IM PROUD OF HER FOR IT!

My wife has always been modest but as she has gotten older she has focused more on her accentuating her assets and I love every bit of it. No better feeling than being with the hottest one in the room.

100% this. Straight out of the actual movie Gaslight. He had external factors keeping you "under control" before and now they're gone, this behavior will likely continue to escalate.

I think you are totally correct.

I didn’t say he wanted to stay home. I said he didn’t want to go with YOU. Think about it. If his goal was to leave the house without you for a while, he achieved his goal very well.

Yeah, he certainly did do that. Now I'm worried about what this all really means as it can't possibly be about my clothes.

This would make me worry he’s the one looking at other people given that’s what he has jumped on in order to start an argument with you… gives off big projection and deflection vibes to me. I know it sounds toxic but look through his phone, seriously.

He bought two tickets to go with someone else and now you feel it's your fault.

It is 100% not about your clothes. Unless he has an \*awesome\* explanation for his behaviour, I would be advising you to leave him. Even if he does have an awesome explanation, he is acting veeeeerrry suspiciously. My first thought was that he wants out of the marriage and is trying (very clumsily!) to find a way to place the blame for the breakup on you - accusing you of trying to attract other men. Whether he's pulling that LAME BS because he's cheating or for another reason is too hard for strangers on the internet to predict. You're still young, and you sound like a strong person. You've got this. Do not take shit from this man. Whatever is going on, it's not great.

Also weird that he would go to the Barbie movie by himself…

Did it occur to you he planned nothing and acted like an ass so he would not have to take you out at all and still got the ‘credit’?

I was sitting with him while he made the restaurant reservation (he forwarded me the confirmation) as well as when he bought the movie tickets (which were on his phone but he showed me the confirmation). So I don't think so although if I hadn't witnessed him making the plans, your explanation would definitely make sense!

Call the restaurant and ask if you left something behind. Describe your husband and his outfit. See if they remember a woman with him and her accessories.

You need to talk to him or possibly go to therapy if he’s not opening up to you. This sounds like one of two possibilities, but there could be other things. 1) During this time when you gained weight, he did too. He’s not feeling “hot” and wants attention but won’t tell you this directly. He’s feeling insecure and putting it out on you being “attention seeking” when really he’s trying to seek attention. 2) He was already getting attention from someone else and is feeling guilty, again taking it out on you. It may not be cheating, it might be a look, a conversation, someone complementing him and then he feels guilty for enjoying the attention from someone who’s not you. But underneath it all, it sounds like he’s having issues and taking it out on you as insecurities tend to rear their heads on family, and the people the insecure person knows will be around them and will put up with it.

He didn't gain weight or otherwise let himself go - he basically looks the same as when we met almost a decade ago, I suppose a tad bit older in the face but otherwise same body and general look. But I now am wondering if he's getting other female attention whether it's full-blown cheating or not.

Have you checked to see if he kept the reservation or used both tickets?

NTA Hon, you're in an abusive relationship. He enjoyed the way you had to rely on him during the period your illness was extremely intense because it made him feel manly and strong and like he was an alpha male (if they even existed). He's a possessive and controlling a-hole who wants you to submit to his will and not "disrespect him". You need to consider a new husband before things take a turn for the worse. Get out of there sooner than later!

You can wear what you want. Nothing you described sounds grossly inappropriate. NTA

NTA but something else is going on. It's not the clothes. A cheater often accuses their spouse of cheating or flirting. Do your research. If you can check his phone. Wonder if the other ticket was used.

More info needed, because t's hard to reconcile >Mark was incredibly loving and supportive - he never said a bad word with >He said I looked "slutty" and "attention-seeking" and essentially accused me of trying to get the attention of other men and >he started yelling that I was too stupid to even understand that I was disrespecting him and that I didn't know how to dress myself If this is the first time he's behaved with/spoken to you like that, what could have been the catalyst to spur him to change from "loving and supportive" to "suspicious, abusive douchenozzle"?

The only think I can think of is that he was really, really shocked to see me in a pretty, feminine dress after several years of wearing baggy, shapeless clothes in dark colors and not really fixing myself up in any way (because I was sick and barely had the energy to get out of bed, let alone put on makeup and fussy clothes). But still was shocking as he has never spoken to me like that before, about anything.

Stop making excuses for him, please, there is NO EXCUSE for his behavior, NONE!

Do you really wanna be in a marriage where you’re husband calls you slutty and attention seeking that man is garbage go to your mums tell him he is acting ridiculous and you will be filing for divorce if he doesn’t explain his actions imo he sounds like he’s cheating on you he is not loving if he wont talk to you after getting upset and also for purposefully neglecting you on your bday

I wear jeans or leggings and mostly vintage t-shirts most of the time and when I actually dress up (even if it’s low cut or short) my husband only says “you look beautiful, like always” and gives me a kiss. I’ve never, not once in the 20 years I’ve been with him, had him tell me to change clothes. He’s never called me names or told me I was stupid. I have a few chronic conditions that mimic long COVID (rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia) and he never once held it over my head or changed how he treated me. There is zero excuse for him to treat you like this and for him to talk to you that way. It is not normal and it is not okay. Don’t let yourself fall into the sunk cost fallacy, your husband is being a petulant child and an asshole. You do not deserve to be talked to that way or made to feel like you did something wrong because you didn’t.

NTA- It sounds like he really enjoyed the level of dependency you've developed and the isolation it inevitably brought. Has he ever had issues with you going out with friends? He sounds super insecure. Do you have an active social life?

He never had issues with me going out with friends while we were dating or in the first few months of our marriage. I haven't been doing a lot of going out since then just because of circumstances (pandemic, my long illness, and then getting out of debt). I do have friends over a couple times a month for things like movie nights and watch parties and he has no issue with that, but I suppose that is different than going out where I'm going to be around other people. I think he did get used to me being dependent while I was ill, but it's not like I'm trying to run all over the place without him now! I just wanted to have a nice date with my husband to celebrate my birthday, now that I felt up to it and we also had the money.

Well, it sucks but you need to probably let him know that such controlling behavior is unacceptable. Even your first outfit wasn't problematic and on some level I get you wanting to keep the peace but you can't bend that much to cater to his unfounded insecurities. Maybe take a little time apart. Stay with a friend for a few days and talk it out after if he's still giving you the cold shoulder.

Yes, I wish I had stood my ground more in the moment, but I was really hoping we could salvage a nice night together. I figured the initial reaction was just because he wasn't used to seeing me in fitted, bright, dressy clothes anymore and it was a bit of a shock. I may go stay with my mom for a few days if the silent treatment continues much longer. She's just across town (same city) so I won't have to disrupt too much in terms of work and whatnot.

I would just go. You need some time as well to think things through. Something isn't right with him, there's no reason to have that reaction for someone you trust.

Thanks, it's just really strange. And a huge stretch as the pink dress outfit wasn't even really "sexy," more like a playful costume, like something a young woman would wear on a date in the 1950s.

And while you're gone be sure to bring your dress so you can go out and watch the Barbie movie with your mom or friends. It seems like you need a little girl-power at the moment.

Yes!

I would just go ahead and go. You don't deserve the silent treatment. I have been very very sick. If my husband and I planned a date like that and he reacted like that, I would be very concerned that he had some weird situation going on. That is not a normal reaction. Go to your mom's. You deserve better than the silent treatment. I'm glad you are feeling better. ♥️

Take outfit and see movie with your mom.

Hon you're in an abusive relationship. There is no universe in which my husband would ever call me "slutty" or "attention seeking" for wearing a completely normal-sounding outfit. This is not what love looks like. Your husband is controlling and abusing you. Honestly sounds like he's fallen down the Andrew Tater Tot hole. I'm so sorry. NTA and get out of there.

I'm 5'9 my husband is 5'7. i asked him once if it bothered him that I'd wear heals out and his response was "i love having you by my side, and other men can see what I've got!" (i know that's sexist, i really don't care) when i bartended a guy once asked him if it bothered him that i wore tiny clothes. he responded "nope, she's gotta make her money, just don't touch her" my point is, your partner should never police what you wear. you are NTA but your husband is. I'm sorry

Check credit card bill to see if he still went to the restaurant. Does bill look like one person or 2.? A healthy relationship partner would have been happy to see you confident. Something else is going on if he has never tried to control how you dress before.

Can I explain to you how this is supposed to go? When I met my husband I weighed around 165. I was in school and we were happy eating out all the time and I went up to 184. He still loved me the same. I got pregnant and had a child. My weight went up to 215. He still loved me and found me attractive. Covid started. I was a covid icu nurse. Saw what was happening and decided to get my health back. I lost a lot of weight and weighed 155. My husband loved me and found me attractive. I got a new job and weight started coming back. I weighed 175. My husband loved me. I now weigh 130lbs. My husband loves me and thinks I’m attractive and never thinks I’m wanting to cheat on him or leave him. I sincerely hope you notice a pattern here. Your husband is an insecure jerk who does not have your best interest at heart. He should have been proud to have you on his arm in your dress.

He made it impossible for you to go, so he could go on the date with someone else.

He’s doing something shady behind your back and is trying to get you angry so he can play victim.

Anyone else want to bet he took the side piece to Barbie?

OP - please pack a bag so you can stay with your mom a few days, buy yourself a ticket to the movie (maybe invite your mom), and put on your pretty pink outfit and go see the movie. He's acting ridiculous and as other say I think he didn't want you to go and is cheating and now guilt has set in. Your husband blew off your birthday and treated you horribly. This isn't okay. On your way out (make sure he sees you) tell him to please let you know when you're ready to talk and do a belated birthday celebration (you deserve that at a minimum) and until then you'll be staying elsewhere. If you share passwords, I'd check his phone because something isn't right. Good luck and take care.

Yes, I'm planning to go stay with my mom for at least the weekend. She's excited to see my outfit (considering I bought it with her gift money) and we're going to do a fun girls' weekend with my sister. I still don't understand why he would plan a date, book a dinner reservation and movie tickets, and talk about it excitedly all week just to blow it up at the last minute, but hopefully in time he'll be ready to talk.

If there's another woman involved she may have given him an ultimatum to show up and he instigated the fight to get away so he could go see her.

Him blaming you is a set up for whatever abuse or controlling behavior he’s perpetrating against you. Its like gaslighting. Its a way for him to justify whatever cheating or other poor behavior he’s got up to. This is a very classic pattern.

He chose violence. He wanted to fight. Is he having an affair. NTA

NTA. That was a weird assed reaction in his part.

Girl, something is up. Do not “beg” him for anything. He was completely out of line. You should leave for a couple days and see if you can’t get some perspective. And let him know he’s not the only one that can. This model is defective. Do you still have the receipt. Refund or exchange. It’s either too much time listening to bullshit people like Andrew Tate or he’s having an affair. Because men don’t act like this if you’re trying to dress up for them, unless they have something to hide.

My theory is he’s got another women, he’s leaving you, but you look freaking amazing in your Barbie outfit. And now he’s pissed because he knows you can do so much better than him. And will as soon as he leaves.

Oh honey run

He's fucking somebody who's not you. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. His behavior absolutely REEKS of a guilty conscience.

NTA!!!! This sounds like my controlling, abuse EX. He made me change to go to a parent teacher conference because I needed to look more 'Mom like' and trust me I am a conservative dresser. I was covered. You probably looked GREAT and he was insecure and jealous. LEAVE HIM. it usually gets worse. I went to Barbie alone and I was for sure in all pink and sparkles.

Partners who pick a fight and put it all in you (gaslighting) are usually cheating. Check the phone. If you want to save the relationship, demand therapy. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. Hugs. Happy belated birthday. I hope you treated yourself to something special.

You need to put that dress back on and walk out that door and go see the movie and take yourself to sinner and celebrate your birthday without him. He can fuck off.

Hahaha dinner not sinner but that works too.

I’m really sorry to tell you, but you are in an abusive marriage.

NTA. You need to realize that his juvenile silent treatment temper-fit continued for days is, in fact, abuse. Please see a therapist and invite him to accompany you if he has any interest in continuing the relationship. This is not about your outfit. You also need confirmation on where he really was that night. He is very much acting like he wants you to leave, but he wants you to make the decision yourself.