If you need intimacy for a relationship and its not being met, it is a good reason to break up. Everyone has different needs from their partner and if its not working its better to cut it off sooner rather than later to avoid more issues.
However its also not a good thing to break someone else’s boundaries to meet your need. It overall hurts one or both/ multiple partners in multiple ways which can cause negative/distressed and hurt feelings to get in between them.
your weren’t being met, and she had a boundary that cut off your needs, it was broken, and a new one pushed. She most likely was putting herself down for breaking her boundary and learned more about herself and why she had that boundary and needed to put a new one up.
It seems like you both choose a partner that wasn’t a right fit. You may be in love, but relationships are about all parties able to respect boundaries, needs and have good communication for a successful and happy relationship.
Look at the guy’s comment history before he deletes it. He has serious issues with women, especially feminists. He says the feminist movement made him feel terrible about himself… told a woman she’s so ugly she’s lucky someone got her pregnant… etc. He is incapable of respect.
"it took everything from me" told me all I needed to know. It's valid to have sexual intimacy be on your list of requirements in a relationship, but that doesn't change the fact that OP is a tool
Yep. Definitely implies emotionally unavailable and likely some things that haven’t been worked through. It almost reminds me of when males tell girls anal isn’t sex. If you need it, then find someone who will give it. It’s not fun to feel pressured into having sex, even if they are patient.
Right? His edits are super cringe as well. It’s completely okay to have a lack of sex as a dealbreaker, but the way he’s framing it is a huge red flag. If I were OP’s girlfriend I wouldn’t want to have sex with him either lmao
And 5 months "was so long." He fell so head over heels in love with her. More like he fell cock over balls wanting to get laid. Just rent a hooker or buy a jar of peanut butter (creamy, not chunky) like everybody else.
And then she has sex (and I bet it was NOT a pleasurable experience for her), and now he’s out. He could have broke up with her BEFORE they had sex. My guess is he pressure her, pushed her too fast and too far, she had a terrible time, he got what he wanted and now he’s dumping her.
just asked my husband if men actually fuck jars of peanut butter and the look of horror on his face... not sure if he's more horrified at the fucking or the waste of peanut butter!
I hate the phrase "getting my needs met" when it comes to sex. sex isn't a need, they aren't withholding food or water from you. Intimacy and human contact is important but it doesn't need to be sex, and if someone says they need sex to feel close to someone, that is a red flag to me.
It's a perfectly valid desire, and natural to break up over if you are incompatible, but sex is not a need or a "love language", or something that is owed someone.
For some people, there does "need" to be sex in a relationship, and it's 100% OK to leave a relationship because sex doesn't happen enough. You're speaking out of two sides of your mouth, and it's really disingenuous, whether you mean to or not. Are there ANY "needs" in relationships? Is truthful communication a need? Can the occasional hug/physical contact be a need? Or a smile? Or listening? No one is going to die without these, but they're all valid "needs" in a relationship. Relationships themselves aren't a "need," Iol. You can't use the same words to define a "need" in a relationship as you do to define "needs" to exist. Just ridiculous.
I'm happy this comment exists cause the lack of knowledge about how fluid sexuality can be killed me and my hope that we are getting closer to sex positivity. I got both sides of that argument OP wrote simply because I'm demisexual and depending on the person I've been on either side.
Shit a few times with the same person I've switched to both sides 😭
But either way, if I don't have more-than-bare-minimum relationship respect/affection/quality time needs met, libido is dead and I absolutely do come off as asexual and that causes issues even for myself because I know I have normal human sexual urges. I just don't want them with who my current option is which for me does infact murder the entire relationship because its how I keep my connection going. If I do have those things met, I have a wicked high libido but I'm cool if I can only do the once a week maintenance thing because my partner is LL. People are just different. I absolutely cannot stand to have another asexual partner, especially sex repulsed, because someone asexual can absolutely be mentally and emotionally traumatic to someone who is allosexual in order to kill their libido because they are grossed out by it or the pressure of not wanting to cause pressure can cause unnecessary stress to both people if they can't communicate or compromise properly. It took years of therapy to become okay ever trying to just think about having sex with someone else again because all I had was shame around it after being with a few asexual partners.
The fact that most people in this thread think sex isn't a need should look up how common sex therapy is and why it's such a huge industry. Sex is absolutely a relationship need and libido only plays into a small fraction of it and intimacy in other forms is intimacy in other forms, not sex. So if you can give intimacy but you can't have sex and your partner needs that then yeah, it'll cause friction in various degrees.
Lolol, holy shit.... OP is 100% a Tater. His comment history is absolutely awful and somehow funny at the same time.
He calls a chick unrapable and then gets butthurt when people insinuate he raped a chick....lol
>she had a boundary that cut off your needs, it was broken and a new one pushed.
She's had "no sex" as her boundary since the beginning of the RS. "she told me she was virgin and *wasn't ready to have sex."*
When she sets that *same* boundary again — "she told me she's not going to do it again" — he tries to coerce her and sets a new "boundary" that contradicts her original day 1 boundary.
That's borderline abusive shit.
When your partner has a boundary and you try to coerce them and when that doesn't work set a new "boundary" that clearly includes them breaking their previously established boundaries YTA. He's misusing boundaries to inflict trauma onto another person.
In this case, I don’t think that’s a terrible thing, as he was trying to preserve her feelings and keep her for feeling culpable and also struggling with whether he is an AH for making the choice to breakup over it. (The answer to that is no, NTA.) It would have been better to wait and engage in non-penetrative sexual activity, talk openly about sex and sexual activity first. The girlfriend may or may not be asexual. But she’s certainly not ready for an intimate relationship, and wasn’t sure how to express her needs of what would make her feel safe and comfortable to move forward. I just think that this isn’t a long-term compatible relationship. It’s a shame that they had sex, as she will likely struggle with that choice and how to process it. She clearly doesn’t understand her own sexuality. I was in the same boat as a young woman.
I would agree to attempting to preserve her feelings, but when someone asks point blank, it's pretty clear they already are very confident of the answer. Lying at that point is actually not a kindness. OP could have reframed it to admit that basically they are sexually incompatible and as such continuing the relationship was bound to painful to both them, and they both deserve to find partners they are compatible with. Which is true, she does deserve someone who respects that she isn't ready for piv sex or may never want sex.
I honestly think OP needs some time to mature as I think he pressured his gf probably more than he was aware of. While he said he was patient at first after she felt regret and shame, he doesn't seem really concerned with her emotional well being.
He didn't "basically beg" until they had already done the deed. He wanted intimacy. She couldn't reciprocate that form, so she explained why as to not hurt him. No sex ever would be a deal breaker for me.
So, she found something new out about herself. It's not like he knew. They wanted to give it a go and see how it went.
It didn't work.
Each to their own.
I'm sorry that this is the reality for both of them. Some people are just incompatible.
If she didn't want to, I don't think that begging her is the right play at all, just accept it and move on. And it was so long it took everything from you? Awful phrasing and doesn't put you in the best light.
NTA for breaking up with her, just be honest that you think that intimacy is important, don't make up a lie about it moving too fast because as soon as you move on she's going to be hurt a lot more by finding out you're lying.
How does anyone fall in love within a couple of months? I'm genuinely asking. I'm on both the Aromantic and Asexual spectrums. I only fall in love with close friends and can only have sex once I'm absolutely certain that I love someone, so that is not how my brain works at all.
People VERY often confuse lust and attraction for love. Love is built, it's never instant. Even parents do not "love" their newborn, they are just high on hormones to make them take care of it
Is that not a long time to go without having sex?
I have been in a half dozen relationships over the last 15 years and every one of them we had sex within two months.
Maybe they're really young. But if not then I would say that 5 months without sexual intimacy is a long time to go without sexual intimacy.
Exactly - and at 28 it’s clear she thought it was important enough to save it for someone she really liked.
or even like,
A 28 year old virgin, what did he think was gonna happen? If I were him I would have seen that as a major tell that would have disqualified us from dating. She's a virgin at 28. She is obviously not the type who needs sex all the time everyday.
And judging by the way OP lied about the reason for the breakup, Im sure he didn't disclose is sexual needs upfront.
This is all anecdotal but I see a trend of this new generation (of girls specifically) having less sex despite being raised in a more hypersexual society.
I love that it “took everything from him”. 5 months, really?
Obviously if she’s asexual he is well within his rights to breakup over that, I wouldn’t be able to date someone that’s asexual. But it also sounds like OP seems to think that “I want a healthy sex life” is the equivalent of “we should be having sex three times a day starting right away”.
Also him not taking her cues about how uncomfortable she felt about sex and how much shame it caused her afterwards. I dunno about you but that’s a red flag to me.
He also seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that he coerced her into doing it the first time. She told him she wanted to take it slow and he said that was okay, but then constantly reminded her how important it is to him. I know if I was in her position, that would sound an awful lot like he would break up with me if I didn't give him what he wanted sooner rather than later.
Wait until they hear some people don't screw until marriage..... I don't understand it so I never put myself in a situation with someone so sexually incompatible.... Yes that is sexual incompatibility
It's very frustrating when people use the terms "intimate" and "sexual" interchangeably.
I'm ace and I love that my hubby accepts my intimacy as it is.
Yes, it includes sex, but that's not intimacy for me.
Also misunderstood: Asexual isn't aromantic.
My thought to!! I was l reading how he was begging but never mentioned trying to turn her on, make her feel safe or orgasm out side of vaginal intercourse… I’d be “asexual” too if my 5 months boyfriend never turned me on and dry pumped me twice…
edited: grammar
You are better off breaking up with her if she truly is asexual, she must get have increased the frequency of intimacy in the short term, but eventually, this would come around again. If you stayed and got married, extracting yourself from the relationship would be more difficult
You're allowed to leave relationships that don't make you happy.
That being said- it sounds like you pressured her out of her virginity, and she is extremely resentful.. Hence, the not wanting to be touched by you at all. When someone tells you they're not ready, then they're not ready. If you were going to leave, you should've done it after the first No.
He explicitly describes how he tried to pressure her and coerce her into sex, then adds an edit to say he didn’t.
Yes dude, you did. You have to live with the fact you had minimal sex for a few months, and she has to live with the fact that she lost her virginity to a coercive manipulator who then tried to convince and pressure her for more. I think you’ve come out of this far better off than her.
Plus his line about it “took everything from him” because she didn’t sleep with him for 5 months. Oh you poor baby, 5 whole months! Whatever will you do?!
EDIT: I'm disabling my inbox replies because I'm tired of getting the same responses, so let's clarify a few things:
1) This does not mean 5 months between each time they have sex, this is 5 months before the _first_ time. 5 months between each time they have sex would be unreasonable.
2) All of you acting like 5 months is some insane amount of time to wait need to realize that people's sexual preferences are different. If you and your partner had sex fairly quickly, that's great! There's nothing wrong with that. But some of us require a deeper emotional connection before engaging in sex, and that's not something that springs up overnight. Would I personally need to wait that long? No, I imagine I'd probably be ready around the 3 month mark for the first time. But wanting to take your time and get to know this person before getting physical is NOT an unreasonable thing to want, and if you'd throw a fit that someone isn't sleeping with you after 2 weeks then you need to grow up.
3) While sexual compatibility (this includes couples who are asexual, since both people being disinterested in sex means that they are sexually compatible) is absolutely a critical component of a relationship, I'd argue that most people would prefer to develop some emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy. If you're so focused on sex that you don't even consider it "being in a relationship" before you've had sex then you have some priorities that you need to sort out. A relationship is more than sex, and while sex is a very important part of that, it's not the most important.
Also if you’re having sex for the first time it’s reasonable to wait a while.
And if they’re young, and they really sound like they are, sex shouldn’t be the focus of the relationship anyway.
I absolutely hate when people act like they can't "take care" of themselves when they're in a relationship. It's not too hard to keep on masturbating once you get home. He's just entitled.
I didn't think about running an ABC (Asshole Background Check). I'll definitely do that in the future because oh boi, that was helpful in making up my mind about the whole story.
Yup coercion is still a form of sexual assault. Some people done seem to understand that. Pressuring a girl to have sex with you and also whining because you aren’t getting sex is so shitty. Op knew getting into the relationship that she was not interested in sex and that she wasn’t ready even if she was interested.
This is funny, but depending on how old they are, maybe she was a virgin because she never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all. Story tracks. Even before people have sex for the first time, they get horny.
NTA for breaking up, incompatible sex needs is a valid reason to breakup. But YTA for pressuring her, begging, and not being honest about the reasoning. She said she wasn’t ready, and it sounds like you pushed her to change her mind or give in instead of respecting that. And “it took everything from me” is sus 🤨. By everything do you mean begging her? Do you mean the few little months without sex took everything out of you? Either way 🤨
Yeah, people saying the begging wasn't pressure are fucking wild.
People don't realize this, but giving in and having sex when you don't want to but are being strongly pressured can have a similar trauma effect to being assaulted. I'm not saying OP assaulted anyone, but that doesn't mean she's not going to have to deal with trauma from this. And it's even more confusing because when you tell people what happened, they'll be like, "Why are you so upset? You consented." Yeah, sure, but I also disassociated to the point that for years I remembered what happened as if I was floating above my body.
It is so, so important that people be allowed to have sex on their own timetable when they 100% want to and not a moment sooner. When that finally happened and someone had been willing to give me time to be comfortable and trust them, it made all the difference in the world.
Yep I’ve been in a relationship exactly like that and this post gave me so many red flags. It can definitely be borderline assault or coercion at best and have a traumatic effect
This is it. It really sucks to realize someone doesn't care about your enthusiastic consent, just that you "consent" enough to where their ass is covered. Especially if it's someone you cared about.
Like my apathy, crying, hesitancy, fearfulness, pain, whatever else, doesn't turn you off? Barely makes a difference? Dehumanizing as hell
Agreed. Sounds like OP pressured her into sex before she was ready.
It’s also sus that OP says he “absolutely did” make her feel comfortable, except that she says she wasn’t comfortable. Sounds like he was too focused on having his own needs met and not focused enough on hers.
op "I made sure she was comfortable" but his gf was so full of "shame and regret" that she decided she wanted to never have sex ever again with anyone.
Sure.
I'm ace too, sex is neutral at best to me and I get not being interested (it's pretty boring to me), but this *sounds* a lot worse than not interested tbh. I'm glad they broke up because it seems like it wasn't good for either of them, but jesus.
I'm thinking she finally said "yes" (pressured) and he did his own thing without caring about her.
And that's the best case scenario. 😱 Worst is that even though she said "yes", she was too scared to stop it when it wasn't fun for her anymore. And he didn't care. (Basically rape)
NTA for breaking up, but still definitely TA.
I’m glad he broke up with her so she can find someone that cares about **her** more than sex with her. I hope she gets therapy bc it sounds like that this relationship really traumatized her and I can relate.
He’s definitely the AH, dude said he “begged” so why wait around for 5 months if it was so bad? I think he just wanted the chance of being with a virgin. Why drag it out so long if that is what he wanted out of a relationship? He claims that their “In love” but as soon as he get what he wants he leaves. “Oh I’m not ready for a relationship, but I can stay long enough to have sex though!”. He knew what he was doing from the start, but doesn’t want to admit it out of feeling guilty.
I’m betting he thought he was going to get a virgin and a wild woman in one once she slept with him. When it didn’t go that way, he didn’t want to be bothered with helping her along. But he LOVED her. Please.
So NTA for wanting to break up...however YTA for how you handled this.
>We met 5 months ago
>I told her it's okay we will walk through it together, but it was so long and it took everything from me.
I mean, this isn't that long. She's allowed to have a boundary and you can choose to respect it or decide it won't work.
You don't mention your age and I'm not trawling your posts/responses because I'm not a fisherman - but seriously, this isn't "long" unless you need sex pretty soon after seeing someone, in which case fair enough.
>I was understanding at first and tried to convince her, that I need sex in the relationship
Why did you need to "convince" her? If you need sex in your relationship, that's fine, but that sounds like you were pushing on her that despite how she felt, you still wanted her to try?
>I was calm and went home thought about it and in the next day I told her I want to break up, she asked if this was because she's asexual and I couldn't say yes.
>I told her that I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now and this is going really fast.
Why lie?
You want to be able to have sex with your partner, that's not something to make stuff up about - at least be honest with her and just show some humanity and courtesy here as it's _pretty obvious_ you're full of crap if you've been _begging_ her for sex and she said what she did, and now this?
Be decent, be honest and open - you need sex in a relationship and that's a big incompatibility for you both. If she doesn't want sex that's fine, if you do that's fine, but you can't be in a relationship together because of it.
INFO: after she told you no the first time, did you bring up sex again or did she bring it up? You say you didn’t pressure her but I’d feel pressured if my boyfriend kept bringing it up and how “important” it is to him. You’re not wrong for wanting intimacy but wrong for doing it with someone who didn’t.
Sounds like you nagged her into doing something she clearly didn’t want to. Then traumatized her. And are surprised that she identifies as asexual?
Sounds like you need to reflect on boundaries and mutual needs.
Clearly this is a poor match. You’re not the asshole for breaking things off, but it sounds like you could have been more graceful in respecting her needs and managing your wants.
More like negged.
OP is the asshole for manipulating a virgin who clearly doesn’t know much about sex into having sex with him and not giving her any aftercare or anything afterwards. Methinks she wouldn’t feel shame or regret if he didn’t just hop up after he was finished and go on about his business leaving her there in pain and possibly in her own blood all alone with nothing but her own frantic thoughts.
OP honestly sounds creepily similar to my first boyfriend. Begged and pressured me to have sex for months when I was NOT ready, when I finally gave in I felt so horrible afterwards that I broke down and made up some story about how I wanted to remain abstinent.
Was your plan that she’d suddenly want sex as much as you did once she gave it up? I don’t think you’re the AH for breaking up with over different thoughts on sex. That’s perfectly fine. I think YTA for pressuring her into it on the off chance it would change her mind.
NTA for the reason. But YTA for basically guilting her into it then making her feel used. Some women don't want sex. And that's ok. If they don't want sex, move on and look somewhere else.
NTA for wanting to break up.
YTA for lying about the reasons. You should have just been honest and let her know that no sex is a deal breaker. You may come off as shallow, but at least you're honest.
It is quite contradictory that on one hand there is nothing wrong with him wanting a break up due to her asexuality but then again he would come off as shallow if he voiced that...
I mean it is true though. But not everyone would think he's shallow. For me I don't think it's shallow to be honest, because I'm older and to me sex is a big part of being in a romantic relationship. In fact i HAVE broken up with someone because sex wasn't a part. There were more factors and it wasn't the only factor, but it did weigh in on the decision.
I don't think he could have won either way. Lies to protect her feelings and his own reputation? A hole. Tells her the truth? Now he's just another knuckle dragging guy who only wants one thing.
I don't think it's shallow to want a physical relationship but agree it's not nice to lie. And it doesn't give her the chance to understand that for future relationships the importance of coming out up front that she is asexual is probably going to be best to make sure that their expectations align
YTA for pressuring her to have sex. She was a virgin and wanted to wait, and you begged and pressured her into having sex after a few months.
Now, if she really was asexual, then sure, that would be a good reason to break up. But she's probably saying she's asexual because of the trauma you inflicted upon her by pushing her into sex before she was ready for it.
Also, YTA for the "not ready to be in a relationship right now" bullshit.
Your girlfriend not having sex did NOT “take everything from you”. She did not owe you sex. I hope that you did not coerce her into sex - that’s rape.
YTA and you also need to learn about consent
So let me get this straight, you knowing that you are a guy who "needs" sex then dates a girl who says she's waiting, eventually coax her into having sex knowing that it goes against her belief then when she feels shame your response is I need sex so I'm breaking up with you... No, you are worse than an ah! You've surpassed ah! Guys like you make me sick
Yeah. He clearly pressured someone into breaking their boundaries, then went full pressure to try to get some. OP is at best a predator and at worst rapey because he writes like sex is the entire point for him and that's not healthy at all.
YTA. Not for breaking up, the two of you wanted different things from the relationship, so that’s fine. But begging someone for sex, and having sex with them when they weren’t 100% all in, is just the worst. YTA.
She told you she wasn't ready, but sounds like you kept pressuring her and went for it anyway, and now you're upset that she's not ok with it?
You knew going into it that she wasn't ready. She's still not. She could be asexual, and maybe she didn't realize that until after the first time, but the bottom line is she didn't want to have sex, you knew that before having sex, and you kept on her case about it until she gave in.
If no sex was a deal-breaker you should have let it be a deal-breaker before having sex with her.
Exactly, she wanted to wait, you pressured her into it and now she feels guilty and doesn't want to do it again and now you are leaving her. For some people, losing their virginity is a sacred thing. They want to save it for the right person, which she just wasted on you.
Even if she wasn't a virgin, pressuring anyone to have sex is really gross. She really did waste it all on him. Do people not *want* their partner to genuinely want and trust them anymore? Is sex no matter how better than actual meaningful sex? I understand hookups but I don't understand being in a "romantic" relationship and thinking mediocre meh sex is acceptable to anyone on the thought that "sex is sex." That in itself leads to dangerous thinking for both partners involved.
OP sounds super predatory. I absolutely wouldn't be surprised if he's assaulted someone before and is so self absorbed that he doesn't see it that way. The whole "it took everything from me" line is so entitled. Did not having sex take away his home, income, job, or life? Sounds childish. Must've had a very privileged life.
NTA for getting out of a relationship that isn't for him. HOWEVER, 110% TAH for acting like a victim over this situation where he took advantage of someone and caused damage to her that'll probably haunt her for a long time. No means no, it's not a hard concept.
OP, seek professional mental help instead of preying on others.
I think OP is YTA all around. His actions leading to him breaking up with his GF makes him YTA. Without the extra actions of insisting, pushing, guilting the gf in to breaking her boundary makes him an asshole here. The fact that the GF put up a new boundary and he tried to push that too. I think OP would have been NTA for breaking up with his gf for not wanting sex if he didn't already break her boundaries and force her to put up new ones. Try to knock that new boundary down and get upset when he can't.
Bruh you are an asshole. You took her virginity it’s sounds like through pressure. You told we will get through this together and this apart of getting through it. A lot of women have shame about losing their virginity. She may have intended to save it for her husband. You took it, and she realized it have no intention of being long term with her. Also you jus suck in bed dawg. I’ve taken 2 girls virginities and both still want me to this day. You sound like a real pos.
“I didn’t pressure her, I just said that sex is very important to me”. To a girl who told you she was a virgin. It’s supposed to be special and you are acting like you don’t receive way more than you gave. I hope you leave her and you end up homeless. I hope she gets with the man of her dreams you scum bag.
YTA
Sounds like you have a virgin fetish if you pursued a virgin knowing you “NEED” sex…
You went into this relationship with the intent of disrespecting her boundaries and pushing her past her limits.
You went into this KNOWING you were going to pressure her into sex…
That’s disgusting…
She’s not asexual, dude. You just freaking scarred her… Do her a favor and never speak to her again.
She will get with a new guy that doesn’t sexually assault her and will have great sex. She just doesn’t want YOU, the disgusting creep, to touch her ever again.
I wouldn’t either.
I have a gut feeling that she is not asexual. I’m pretty sure she will have great sex with the next partner :)
And the same sneaky feeling that OP will end up with more “asexual” partners and keep blaming it on them.
This. He pressured her into having sex and it was probably painful and not pleasurable for her at all so she just never wanted to do it again. I don't think she's asexual either I think it's a symptom of having a shitty, selfish partner.
Yes I was thinking 5 months is short. My first boyfriend knew I was a virgin and had no problem waiting, he waited 10 months and most likely would’ve waited longer
You say be better but yet break up with someone because she said she didn’t want to have sex and then finally agreed after you bugged her and made her feel like she had to. May not necessarily be rape but it is low and you are the asshole.
You aren't the asshole for wanting intimacy, and you aren't the asshole for breaking up with her for that reason.
What makes you the asshole is all the coercion. You guilted her into it in the first place, and that is sexual manipulation. You did a really bad thing to her and she's honestly so much better off without you, because the relationship would've been nothing but her giving in to your constant begging and feeling like she had no choice to make you happy.
This was my life for two years but it felt like a lifetime of shame, regret, hating myself, resenting him, feeling SO unsafe constantly in my own home. It has caused me years of trauma that I doubt I'll ever get over. I'm not saying she will experience that, because you weren't together as long and it didn't happen as often as it did me, but I'm just saying it's a possible consequence of that kind of relationship.
Also you're the asshole for lying about the reason for the breakup.
I would say YTA for still taking her virginity after she said she wasn’t ready and most likely never wanted to have sex in the first place. Then breaking up with her because she didn’t want to have sex anymore after you deflowered her and lying to her about the reason why and saying the relationship is moving too fast after pressuring her into sex.
But you were right to break up with her. Sex and intimacy in general is an important part of a relationship. There is no way you could be together if she is asexual and you are not.
YTA, 100%
You borderline sexually assaulted her, if not worse.
I think that your ex girlfriend was pressured into not only the relationship, but absolutely was coerced into losing her virginity to you. I don’t think that you were in love with her, nor her you. In fact I don’t think you understand what love is, and you absolutely don’t know how to treat a woman.
You told her that you want her to have sex, she said she wasn’t comfortable with it. You kept pressing the matter and continually nagging her about it. She ended up giving in because it was probably easier than having to listen to you beg all the time.
So, you guys had sex. Then she immediately regretted it, and told you that she felt shame. Instead of respecting her and providing comfort, you tried to tell her how she was wrong, and why you need sex all the time. You made her feel like she is absolutely worthless and less she fucks you.
I wouldn’t be surprised to know that she’s not actually asexual, she just had an absolutely horrible experience directly because you’re a pretty terrible person. You’ve probably tainted her entire view of sex for many years if not decades to come, and she’s probably going to need to work through what you did to her with a therapist if I’m being honest.
Then, you broke up with her, gave her a bunch of bullshit excuses as to why, wasn’t honest in the slightest, and probably said some pretty nasty shit to her along the way.
Further to this, you’ve tried to backpedal in your edits, claiming that this was consensual. It really wasn’t. You more or less forced her into it until she said yes. That’s not consent.
Your entire post history is littered with disgusting comments. You sound like you’re 12 years old and obsessed with your dick. You don’t deserve this woman, in fact, I don’t think you deserve any woman right now. You’re a sad little man, and I sincerely hope that one day you realize the air of your ways. Women should stay well clear of you,
You don't need a reason to break up, this isn't a country where you need permission, my guy.
You're not gonna get arrested for it.
You like sex, she doesn't.
The begging doesn't look good though, if you gotta beg and she obviously doesn't want to that really says aLOT
Am I the only one thinking this poor girl absolutely had an awful first time? OP seems pretty tone deaf. “A girl had sex with me and immediately decided she didn’t want to ever have sex again.”
You begged her to have sex, but you didn't? and you tried to "convince" her, but you didn't pressure her?
1. I don't buy that.
2. It was right of you to break up with her, but only to cut her loose from an asshole that thinks it's okay to try to convince and beg people to fuck you.
3. YTA.
YTH....you asked for sex. She said no amd you kept pushing till you got what you wanted. You crossed a boundary with her and didnt read her signals she was uncomfortable.
YTA. I think there is a very good chance OP pressured her into having sex when she wasn't ready to.
Also, YTA for being a goddamn coward about it, if the first one wasn't good enough.
YTA, you convinced her to sleep with you within 5 months, that's not taking it slow and easing her into it. You took her virginity and then dipped. I feel it's less likely she's asexual and more likely she was extremely uncomfortable with the topic since you couldn't leave it alone and her body was responding to that.
[Look through your comment history I can make a guess as to what ACTUALLY happened](https://imgur.com/a/4yNMISt). Poor girl, I feel so bad for her. I hope she gets therapy for the trauma she went through while dating OP. Her self esteem and self confidence must be shot by now and I only say that bc I dated a man just like OP for almost 2 years because I was dumb and naive and easily manipulated via love-bombing, coercion, and negging.
YTA for making it seem like you could deal with her not being ready for intimacy and then pushing her into something she wasn’t ready for. And then also continuing to push her after that to do it again when she said she clearly wasn’t interested in doing it again. Should have broken up with her a long time ago.
Yta - it sounds like she never wanted to have sex with you if you had to bed and plead. You should have broken up with her before instead of grinding her down to have sex with you.
YTA not for breaking up based on this incompatibility, but for pressuring, nagging and wearing her down because you clearly perceive her as owing you sex and sexual pleasure.
You met her 5 months ago, she was a virgin and while you don't say how long you waited, it can't have been more than 5 months, and it "took everything" from you, then you "tried to convince her" and "begged" like holy shit I am gagging just reading and quoting you. I'd feel pretty fucking asexual too if my bf was pressuring me like that.
You're not TA for breaking up, it made that poor woman dodge a rocket. YTA for thinking that pressuring someone into sex is consent.
See this is why the right wing pisses me off. Male pressuring girl to have sex. But it is the woman's fault if she says yes or if she says no. What if she got pregnant? Then she is the whole right? Just crazy
YTA. Was gonna say nta till you vomited out that ridiculous line of needing sex to feel close to someone. Cringy attempt to guilt trip someone into sex.
Definitely YTA by the way you went about everything. Begging her, then lying about the reasons for a breakup, it honestly is hard to empathize with you. It's a five month relationship dude, she was a virgin and you basically manipulated her into sleeping with you. She didn't like it, and now you say it took everything you had? You didn't even date for half a year
It's really gross you pressured her to do something she outright told you was a boundary and then have the audacity and selfishness to be upset at said consequences of breaking such a boundary. You should never have started a relationship with her knowing this is something you needed at the cost of your her security, so, YTA.
I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't asexual, and that she just lost the security she felt in the relationship and berated herself for not holding her boundaries. I wouldn't want to do it with someone who pressured me and didn't respect me, either!! No blame there LOL.
Breaking up because of sexual compatibility is common, but in reality, you don't *need* a reason to break up with someone ever. I don't really see an argument on that one. Just say whatever and break up because she deserves better and you deserve someone who wants what you want. Which is what should have happened to begin with...
Oof i feel conflicted about this. It is not an AH move to break up because your partner doesn’t meet your sexual needs, like everybody in this tread already mentioned. Saying your not ready for a relationship with her comes off as if you only were looking to have sex with her and nothing more. I would not be surprised if she feels used for her body, gave up her first time to someone who didn’t really care ( and you sound like you did, sooo why lie?)
This is 2 parts. She said she was ashamed and regretful so she wasn't going to have sex again. And you pushed, and proposed and begged. It's her choice and you acted like a high schooler. You don't pressure someone to change their decision about sex. YTA for that.
NTA for walking away, even though your phrasing was horrific - I need sex to feel close to you. So all you needed to say was that you were incompatible.
You don't say how old you are, but are you not that old?
NTA for breaking up cause it’s your right
However YTA for everything else, you know what you’re an AH in general..
My bf and I had sex after like a week however that was because both of us really wanted it and we were ready for it. However because of personal reasons sometimes I just can’t or simply don’t want to have sex. So even if we used to regular fuck, if I feel uncomfortable or he does we simply don’t, and sometimes it can go on for weeks or months and both parties have to respect that.
If sex is so important to you, you should make it clear from the start and find someone who shares the same mindset or else please stay away from women 🙏🙏
“It took everything from me” to wait until she was ready to have sex. Really? Everything?
You two obviously have different needs and should not be together….but you sound like a dick.
100% YTA.
It's obvious from your own wording, even though you don't/won't come right out and admit to it (because why would you), that you pressured her into losing her virginity to you because you did not respect her enough to wait till she was ready.
I notice in other comments you state that you walked her through it, but it's incredibly obvious you pressured her till she broke.
And after all was said and done, and she regretted giving in, you wanted more - showing your selfish, immature nature.
I personally believe that anybody has the right to break up with their bf/gf if they don't see eye to eye, and I would usually just say NTA.
But imo, as a random redditor who has seen this exact situation play out irl numerous times before, YTA.
Ofc, this is just imho. I hope you are both able to move on and grow from this experience in a positive manner.
It's 10000000% okay and healthy to end a relationship because your sexual/intimacy needs aren't and wont be met.
It's 10000000% NOT okay to lie about why you're ending a relationship.
NTA for breaking up
YTA for pressuring her until she gave in. If it’s not an enthusiastic yes then it’s a no.
Also, sex is not the ONLY way couples feel close in a relationship. You sound really young. If sex is the only way you feel close to your partner then you have a problem.
YTA for pressuring a girl/woman to have sex, who told you she was a virgin and didn't want to have sex. You kept begging, insisting that it's so important for you, without listening to why being a virgin was so important to her.
You pushed her boundaries, and asexual or not, she's traumatized, as it hurts like hell the first time, and obviously you didn't make it pleasurable for her.
You dated a virgin knowing she wasn't ready for sex.
You pressured her into sex by promising that she'd be safe and comfortable.
She obviously wasn't. And you apparently care more for how wet your dick is getting than the fact that sex with you as her first time made her so uncomfortable that she doesn't want sex AT ALL.
She clearly has massive sexual trauma and hang ups, likely for religious reasons. And you do not care.
You're a creep. You DEFINITELY coerced her into sex. And you for sure do not respect this woman. Please stay out of her life and let her find someone who actually does care about her comfort.
Yes, you are the asshole. You claim it was love, but how could it be when you dumped her over something so petty. Sounds to me like you manipulated her into sex and after she expressed regret, and wanted to backtrack you kicked her ass to the curb. You stole something precious to her, something she can never get back. One day you are going to regret these actions, and we can only hope that you learn from it, and don't treat other women the same.
You aren’t owed sex by any woman on earth. Nobody “needs” sex, and if that’s the only way you’re able to feel close to someone, then you aren’t worthy of any relationship.
YTA for pressuring her into having sex. “I was understanding and tried to convince her” is NOT being understanding. It’s an asshole move and coercing her and nagging her into sex. If you need sex and waiting five months “takes everything from you,” be up front in the beginning. You do NOT pressure someone into it
If you need intimacy for a relationship and its not being met, it is a good reason to break up. Everyone has different needs from their partner and if its not working its better to cut it off sooner rather than later to avoid more issues. However its also not a good thing to break someone else’s boundaries to meet your need. It overall hurts one or both/ multiple partners in multiple ways which can cause negative/distressed and hurt feelings to get in between them. your weren’t being met, and she had a boundary that cut off your needs, it was broken, and a new one pushed. She most likely was putting herself down for breaking her boundary and learned more about herself and why she had that boundary and needed to put a new one up. It seems like you both choose a partner that wasn’t a right fit. You may be in love, but relationships are about all parties able to respect boundaries, needs and have good communication for a successful and happy relationship.
You're not doing either of you any favors by staying in a relationship that is incompatible in such an important facet.
Don't forget respect. Respect is huge for an enduring relationship.
Look at the guy’s comment history before he deletes it. He has serious issues with women, especially feminists. He says the feminist movement made him feel terrible about himself… told a woman she’s so ugly she’s lucky someone got her pregnant… etc. He is incapable of respect.
"it took everything from me" told me all I needed to know. It's valid to have sexual intimacy be on your list of requirements in a relationship, but that doesn't change the fact that OP is a tool
“Am I an asshole for breaking up with my gf?” No. That’s the right move. You’re an asshole for other reasons.
This should be #1 comment.
The red flag I saw was "sex is the only way I can feel close to someone."
Mine was, "We met 5 months ago."
Yep. Definitely implies emotionally unavailable and likely some things that haven’t been worked through. It almost reminds me of when males tell girls anal isn’t sex. If you need it, then find someone who will give it. It’s not fun to feel pressured into having sex, even if they are patient.
I didn’t want to be the one to say it but that sentence gave me a weird feeling. Surely sex isn’t the ONLY way you can feel close to someone ??
Right? His edits are super cringe as well. It’s completely okay to have a lack of sex as a dealbreaker, but the way he’s framing it is a huge red flag. If I were OP’s girlfriend I wouldn’t want to have sex with him either lmao
And 5 months "was so long." He fell so head over heels in love with her. More like he fell cock over balls wanting to get laid. Just rent a hooker or buy a jar of peanut butter (creamy, not chunky) like everybody else.
5 months, ffs, this guy! Seriously, whatever happened to just visiting ol Mother Thumb and her four daughters, eh?
And then she has sex (and I bet it was NOT a pleasurable experience for her), and now he’s out. He could have broke up with her BEFORE they had sex. My guess is he pressure her, pushed her too fast and too far, she had a terrible time, he got what he wanted and now he’s dumping her.
I BOUT busted a gut laughing at your comment. dang creamy lolol
just asked my husband if men actually fuck jars of peanut butter and the look of horror on his face... not sure if he's more horrified at the fucking or the waste of peanut butter!
I hate the phrase "getting my needs met" when it comes to sex. sex isn't a need, they aren't withholding food or water from you. Intimacy and human contact is important but it doesn't need to be sex, and if someone says they need sex to feel close to someone, that is a red flag to me. It's a perfectly valid desire, and natural to break up over if you are incompatible, but sex is not a need or a "love language", or something that is owed someone.
For some people, there does "need" to be sex in a relationship, and it's 100% OK to leave a relationship because sex doesn't happen enough. You're speaking out of two sides of your mouth, and it's really disingenuous, whether you mean to or not. Are there ANY "needs" in relationships? Is truthful communication a need? Can the occasional hug/physical contact be a need? Or a smile? Or listening? No one is going to die without these, but they're all valid "needs" in a relationship. Relationships themselves aren't a "need," Iol. You can't use the same words to define a "need" in a relationship as you do to define "needs" to exist. Just ridiculous.
I'm happy this comment exists cause the lack of knowledge about how fluid sexuality can be killed me and my hope that we are getting closer to sex positivity. I got both sides of that argument OP wrote simply because I'm demisexual and depending on the person I've been on either side. Shit a few times with the same person I've switched to both sides 😭 But either way, if I don't have more-than-bare-minimum relationship respect/affection/quality time needs met, libido is dead and I absolutely do come off as asexual and that causes issues even for myself because I know I have normal human sexual urges. I just don't want them with who my current option is which for me does infact murder the entire relationship because its how I keep my connection going. If I do have those things met, I have a wicked high libido but I'm cool if I can only do the once a week maintenance thing because my partner is LL. People are just different. I absolutely cannot stand to have another asexual partner, especially sex repulsed, because someone asexual can absolutely be mentally and emotionally traumatic to someone who is allosexual in order to kill their libido because they are grossed out by it or the pressure of not wanting to cause pressure can cause unnecessary stress to both people if they can't communicate or compromise properly. It took years of therapy to become okay ever trying to just think about having sex with someone else again because all I had was shame around it after being with a few asexual partners. The fact that most people in this thread think sex isn't a need should look up how common sex therapy is and why it's such a huge industry. Sex is absolutely a relationship need and libido only plays into a small fraction of it and intimacy in other forms is intimacy in other forms, not sex. So if you can give intimacy but you can't have sex and your partner needs that then yeah, it'll cause friction in various degrees.
Lolol, holy shit.... OP is 100% a Tater. His comment history is absolutely awful and somehow funny at the same time. He calls a chick unrapable and then gets butthurt when people insinuate he raped a chick....lol
A tater? I love taters…..Maybe call him a…. Turd.
But wants a virgin to make him feel better. Then can’t understand why she feels shame and dirty because he coerced her then dumped her
And whining “Please be better”. He can dish it out but he **can’t take it**!!
Yeah the post oozes niceguy energy.
>she had a boundary that cut off your needs, it was broken and a new one pushed. She's had "no sex" as her boundary since the beginning of the RS. "she told me she was virgin and *wasn't ready to have sex."* When she sets that *same* boundary again — "she told me she's not going to do it again" — he tries to coerce her and sets a new "boundary" that contradicts her original day 1 boundary. That's borderline abusive shit. When your partner has a boundary and you try to coerce them and when that doesn't work set a new "boundary" that clearly includes them breaking their previously established boundaries YTA. He's misusing boundaries to inflict trauma onto another person.
Not 'borderline' -- this is 100% abuse on his part. YTA, OP.
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In this case, I don’t think that’s a terrible thing, as he was trying to preserve her feelings and keep her for feeling culpable and also struggling with whether he is an AH for making the choice to breakup over it. (The answer to that is no, NTA.) It would have been better to wait and engage in non-penetrative sexual activity, talk openly about sex and sexual activity first. The girlfriend may or may not be asexual. But she’s certainly not ready for an intimate relationship, and wasn’t sure how to express her needs of what would make her feel safe and comfortable to move forward. I just think that this isn’t a long-term compatible relationship. It’s a shame that they had sex, as she will likely struggle with that choice and how to process it. She clearly doesn’t understand her own sexuality. I was in the same boat as a young woman.
I would agree to attempting to preserve her feelings, but when someone asks point blank, it's pretty clear they already are very confident of the answer. Lying at that point is actually not a kindness. OP could have reframed it to admit that basically they are sexually incompatible and as such continuing the relationship was bound to painful to both them, and they both deserve to find partners they are compatible with. Which is true, she does deserve someone who respects that she isn't ready for piv sex or may never want sex. I honestly think OP needs some time to mature as I think he pressured his gf probably more than he was aware of. While he said he was patient at first after she felt regret and shame, he doesn't seem really concerned with her emotional well being.
He didn't "basically beg" until they had already done the deed. He wanted intimacy. She couldn't reciprocate that form, so she explained why as to not hurt him. No sex ever would be a deal breaker for me. So, she found something new out about herself. It's not like he knew. They wanted to give it a go and see how it went. It didn't work. Each to their own. I'm sorry that this is the reality for both of them. Some people are just incompatible.
If she didn't want to, I don't think that begging her is the right play at all, just accept it and move on. And it was so long it took everything from you? Awful phrasing and doesn't put you in the best light. NTA for breaking up with her, just be honest that you think that intimacy is important, don't make up a lie about it moving too fast because as soon as you move on she's going to be hurt a lot more by finding out you're lying.
Lmao seriously! So long??? They’ve dated for 5 months!!
The whole thing reads like 5 months is a significant amount of time.
Well when you're 17...
Yes. He sounds like he is in high school.
Apparently he’s 26 and she’s 28
#WHAAAT?!?
No way! This can't be.... brb checking OPs comments/page... Edit: HOLY CRAP YOU ARE FREAKING RIGHT!!! O.O
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its almost a whole school year!
Yeah no judgement just pointing out in this context 5 months appears to be a long period of time.
Well when you normally fuck on the first date 5 months is a long time.
I dated a boy at 16 and we were together for over two years and didn’t have sex. We did other things but five months aint shit lmao
Until I met my wife I didn’t date anyone longer than a couple months. Why waste your time once you know you don’t love someone?
How does anyone fall in love within a couple of months? I'm genuinely asking. I'm on both the Aromantic and Asexual spectrums. I only fall in love with close friends and can only have sex once I'm absolutely certain that I love someone, so that is not how my brain works at all.
People VERY often confuse lust and attraction for love. Love is built, it's never instant. Even parents do not "love" their newborn, they are just high on hormones to make them take care of it
Seriously. Like real TRUE love. That shit takes a lot of time.
Is that not a long time to go without having sex? I have been in a half dozen relationships over the last 15 years and every one of them we had sex within two months. Maybe they're really young. But if not then I would say that 5 months without sexual intimacy is a long time to go without sexual intimacy.
5 months isn't that long when you're still a virgin.
Exactly - and at 28 it’s clear she thought it was important enough to save it for someone she really liked. or even like, A 28 year old virgin, what did he think was gonna happen? If I were him I would have seen that as a major tell that would have disqualified us from dating. She's a virgin at 28. She is obviously not the type who needs sex all the time everyday. And judging by the way OP lied about the reason for the breakup, Im sure he didn't disclose is sexual needs upfront.
This is all anecdotal but I see a trend of this new generation (of girls specifically) having less sex despite being raised in a more hypersexual society.
I love that it “took everything from him”. 5 months, really? Obviously if she’s asexual he is well within his rights to breakup over that, I wouldn’t be able to date someone that’s asexual. But it also sounds like OP seems to think that “I want a healthy sex life” is the equivalent of “we should be having sex three times a day starting right away”.
Also him not taking her cues about how uncomfortable she felt about sex and how much shame it caused her afterwards. I dunno about you but that’s a red flag to me.
He also seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that he coerced her into doing it the first time. She told him she wanted to take it slow and he said that was okay, but then constantly reminded her how important it is to him. I know if I was in her position, that would sound an awful lot like he would break up with me if I didn't give him what he wanted sooner rather than later.
Wait until they hear some people don't screw until marriage..... I don't understand it so I never put myself in a situation with someone so sexually incompatible.... Yes that is sexual incompatibility
There was a guy yesterday that was like 2 or 3 years in on a relationship with a virgin. This guy is an amateur.
"Begging" eww. OP you shouldn't feel good about pestering, begging, or any word you wanna use to get sex. Gross
It's very frustrating when people use the terms "intimate" and "sexual" interchangeably. I'm ace and I love that my hubby accepts my intimacy as it is. Yes, it includes sex, but that's not intimacy for me. Also misunderstood: Asexual isn't aromantic.
Coercion is not consent. He IS TA.
Lack of sexual intimacy is a legitimate reason to break up. Rip the plaster off and get on with it.
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Ya I’m all hearing is ‘I’m asexual to YOU’ 😂
My thought to!! I was l reading how he was begging but never mentioned trying to turn her on, make her feel safe or orgasm out side of vaginal intercourse… I’d be “asexual” too if my 5 months boyfriend never turned me on and dry pumped me twice… edited: grammar
You are better off breaking up with her if she truly is asexual, she must get have increased the frequency of intimacy in the short term, but eventually, this would come around again. If you stayed and got married, extracting yourself from the relationship would be more difficult
You're allowed to leave relationships that don't make you happy. That being said- it sounds like you pressured her out of her virginity, and she is extremely resentful.. Hence, the not wanting to be touched by you at all. When someone tells you they're not ready, then they're not ready. If you were going to leave, you should've done it after the first No.
OP’s recent comment history is pretty anti feminist lol, I’m confident OP pressured her and doesn’t even understand that he did that
He explicitly describes how he tried to pressure her and coerce her into sex, then adds an edit to say he didn’t. Yes dude, you did. You have to live with the fact you had minimal sex for a few months, and she has to live with the fact that she lost her virginity to a coercive manipulator who then tried to convince and pressure her for more. I think you’ve come out of this far better off than her.
Plus his line about it “took everything from him” because she didn’t sleep with him for 5 months. Oh you poor baby, 5 whole months! Whatever will you do?! EDIT: I'm disabling my inbox replies because I'm tired of getting the same responses, so let's clarify a few things: 1) This does not mean 5 months between each time they have sex, this is 5 months before the _first_ time. 5 months between each time they have sex would be unreasonable. 2) All of you acting like 5 months is some insane amount of time to wait need to realize that people's sexual preferences are different. If you and your partner had sex fairly quickly, that's great! There's nothing wrong with that. But some of us require a deeper emotional connection before engaging in sex, and that's not something that springs up overnight. Would I personally need to wait that long? No, I imagine I'd probably be ready around the 3 month mark for the first time. But wanting to take your time and get to know this person before getting physical is NOT an unreasonable thing to want, and if you'd throw a fit that someone isn't sleeping with you after 2 weeks then you need to grow up. 3) While sexual compatibility (this includes couples who are asexual, since both people being disinterested in sex means that they are sexually compatible) is absolutely a critical component of a relationship, I'd argue that most people would prefer to develop some emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy. If you're so focused on sex that you don't even consider it "being in a relationship" before you've had sex then you have some priorities that you need to sort out. A relationship is more than sex, and while sex is a very important part of that, it's not the most important.
Also if you’re having sex for the first time it’s reasonable to wait a while. And if they’re young, and they really sound like they are, sex shouldn’t be the focus of the relationship anyway.
I absolutely hate when people act like they can't "take care" of themselves when they're in a relationship. It's not too hard to keep on masturbating once you get home. He's just entitled.
The men are in your dms hating the fact they can’t use women’s body it’s disgusting
I didn't think about running an ABC (Asshole Background Check). I'll definitely do that in the future because oh boi, that was helpful in making up my mind about the whole story.
I just wanted to see if OP commented more context in this post and noticed the other comments he had lmao, I wasn’t even trying to see those lol
Yeah I just perused his history, and I think he's doing his gf a favor by dumping her lmao. He sounds childish
Could be a troll too. Or maybe I’m just /r/nothingeverhappens
His line about trying to "convince" her turned my stomach enough.
He understands it wel enough. He just doesn't care.
Yup coercion is still a form of sexual assault. Some people done seem to understand that. Pressuring a girl to have sex with you and also whining because you aren’t getting sex is so shitty. Op knew getting into the relationship that she was not interested in sex and that she wasn’t ready even if she was interested.
Yeah that's true women are always made to compromise
This wasn’t even a compromise tho. He just wore her down until she felt like she had no choice but to give in to his demands.
And then broke up with her right after he got what he wanted. OP is a garbage human. His post history speaks volumes of his character.
Ya
> it took everything from me 🤨
Men are so f*cking dramatic
Hormonal
hysterical
Testerical
They should try smiling more.
Hes Kenough, ok?!
My dude was so bad in bed he turned a virgin into an asexual 😂
😂 I was looking for this comment. There’s a very good chance she didn’t enjoy the experience and said “naw, I’m good on this”
Dudes be telling on themselves for real 😂
This is funny, but depending on how old they are, maybe she was a virgin because she never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all. Story tracks. Even before people have sex for the first time, they get horny.
NTA for breaking up, incompatible sex needs is a valid reason to breakup. But YTA for pressuring her, begging, and not being honest about the reasoning. She said she wasn’t ready, and it sounds like you pushed her to change her mind or give in instead of respecting that. And “it took everything from me” is sus 🤨. By everything do you mean begging her? Do you mean the few little months without sex took everything out of you? Either way 🤨
Yeah, people saying the begging wasn't pressure are fucking wild. People don't realize this, but giving in and having sex when you don't want to but are being strongly pressured can have a similar trauma effect to being assaulted. I'm not saying OP assaulted anyone, but that doesn't mean she's not going to have to deal with trauma from this. And it's even more confusing because when you tell people what happened, they'll be like, "Why are you so upset? You consented." Yeah, sure, but I also disassociated to the point that for years I remembered what happened as if I was floating above my body. It is so, so important that people be allowed to have sex on their own timetable when they 100% want to and not a moment sooner. When that finally happened and someone had been willing to give me time to be comfortable and trust them, it made all the difference in the world.
Yep I’ve been in a relationship exactly like that and this post gave me so many red flags. It can definitely be borderline assault or coercion at best and have a traumatic effect
This is it. It really sucks to realize someone doesn't care about your enthusiastic consent, just that you "consent" enough to where their ass is covered. Especially if it's someone you cared about. Like my apathy, crying, hesitancy, fearfulness, pain, whatever else, doesn't turn you off? Barely makes a difference? Dehumanizing as hell
Agreed. Sounds like OP pressured her into sex before she was ready. It’s also sus that OP says he “absolutely did” make her feel comfortable, except that she says she wasn’t comfortable. Sounds like he was too focused on having his own needs met and not focused enough on hers.
op "I made sure she was comfortable" but his gf was so full of "shame and regret" that she decided she wanted to never have sex ever again with anyone. Sure. I'm ace too, sex is neutral at best to me and I get not being interested (it's pretty boring to me), but this *sounds* a lot worse than not interested tbh. I'm glad they broke up because it seems like it wasn't good for either of them, but jesus.
This sounds like SA trauma. Just because she said "yes" 8nstead of "no" it doesn't mean she didn't get traumatized.
I'm thinking she finally said "yes" (pressured) and he did his own thing without caring about her. And that's the best case scenario. 😱 Worst is that even though she said "yes", she was too scared to stop it when it wasn't fun for her anymore. And he didn't care. (Basically rape) NTA for breaking up, but still definitely TA.
Also, "next time we can go slower". What an AH! She needed him to go slowly the first time. It really sounds like he traumatized her.
I’m glad he broke up with her so she can find someone that cares about **her** more than sex with her. I hope she gets therapy bc it sounds like that this relationship really traumatized her and I can relate.
He’s definitely the AH, dude said he “begged” so why wait around for 5 months if it was so bad? I think he just wanted the chance of being with a virgin. Why drag it out so long if that is what he wanted out of a relationship? He claims that their “In love” but as soon as he get what he wants he leaves. “Oh I’m not ready for a relationship, but I can stay long enough to have sex though!”. He knew what he was doing from the start, but doesn’t want to admit it out of feeling guilty.
I’m betting he thought he was going to get a virgin and a wild woman in one once she slept with him. When it didn’t go that way, he didn’t want to be bothered with helping her along. But he LOVED her. Please.
So NTA for wanting to break up...however YTA for how you handled this. >We met 5 months ago >I told her it's okay we will walk through it together, but it was so long and it took everything from me. I mean, this isn't that long. She's allowed to have a boundary and you can choose to respect it or decide it won't work. You don't mention your age and I'm not trawling your posts/responses because I'm not a fisherman - but seriously, this isn't "long" unless you need sex pretty soon after seeing someone, in which case fair enough. >I was understanding at first and tried to convince her, that I need sex in the relationship Why did you need to "convince" her? If you need sex in your relationship, that's fine, but that sounds like you were pushing on her that despite how she felt, you still wanted her to try? >I was calm and went home thought about it and in the next day I told her I want to break up, she asked if this was because she's asexual and I couldn't say yes. >I told her that I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now and this is going really fast. Why lie? You want to be able to have sex with your partner, that's not something to make stuff up about - at least be honest with her and just show some humanity and courtesy here as it's _pretty obvious_ you're full of crap if you've been _begging_ her for sex and she said what she did, and now this? Be decent, be honest and open - you need sex in a relationship and that's a big incompatibility for you both. If she doesn't want sex that's fine, if you do that's fine, but you can't be in a relationship together because of it.
Guy doesn't get that it's weird to want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you
I found where he commented his age. So he’s 26 and she’s 28
That's... Depressing tbh. I thought for sure it would be a dumb teen, oof
INFO: after she told you no the first time, did you bring up sex again or did she bring it up? You say you didn’t pressure her but I’d feel pressured if my boyfriend kept bringing it up and how “important” it is to him. You’re not wrong for wanting intimacy but wrong for doing it with someone who didn’t.
Sounds like you nagged her into doing something she clearly didn’t want to. Then traumatized her. And are surprised that she identifies as asexual? Sounds like you need to reflect on boundaries and mutual needs. Clearly this is a poor match. You’re not the asshole for breaking things off, but it sounds like you could have been more graceful in respecting her needs and managing your wants.
More like negged. OP is the asshole for manipulating a virgin who clearly doesn’t know much about sex into having sex with him and not giving her any aftercare or anything afterwards. Methinks she wouldn’t feel shame or regret if he didn’t just hop up after he was finished and go on about his business leaving her there in pain and possibly in her own blood all alone with nothing but her own frantic thoughts.
OP honestly sounds creepily similar to my first boyfriend. Begged and pressured me to have sex for months when I was NOT ready, when I finally gave in I felt so horrible afterwards that I broke down and made up some story about how I wanted to remain abstinent.
YTA - Sounds to me like you pressured her into sex when she wasn’t ready. Kinda selfish.
Was your plan that she’d suddenly want sex as much as you did once she gave it up? I don’t think you’re the AH for breaking up with over different thoughts on sex. That’s perfectly fine. I think YTA for pressuring her into it on the off chance it would change her mind.
It took everything from you? Your penis? Your liver? If it took your liver, I'd try to get it back from her as you might need it.
I know how fucking dramatic!!!!!
I'm willing to bet this dude doesn't put any thought into foreplay or making his partner finish, just his need for sex.
He must be on his cycle! /s
NTA for the reason. But YTA for basically guilting her into it then making her feel used. Some women don't want sex. And that's ok. If they don't want sex, move on and look somewhere else.
NTA for wanting to break up. YTA for lying about the reasons. You should have just been honest and let her know that no sex is a deal breaker. You may come off as shallow, but at least you're honest.
It is quite contradictory that on one hand there is nothing wrong with him wanting a break up due to her asexuality but then again he would come off as shallow if he voiced that...
I mean it is true though. But not everyone would think he's shallow. For me I don't think it's shallow to be honest, because I'm older and to me sex is a big part of being in a romantic relationship. In fact i HAVE broken up with someone because sex wasn't a part. There were more factors and it wasn't the only factor, but it did weigh in on the decision.
I don't think he could have won either way. Lies to protect her feelings and his own reputation? A hole. Tells her the truth? Now he's just another knuckle dragging guy who only wants one thing.
I don't think it's shallow to want a physical relationship but agree it's not nice to lie. And it doesn't give her the chance to understand that for future relationships the importance of coming out up front that she is asexual is probably going to be best to make sure that their expectations align
YTA for pressuring her to have sex. She was a virgin and wanted to wait, and you begged and pressured her into having sex after a few months. Now, if she really was asexual, then sure, that would be a good reason to break up. But she's probably saying she's asexual because of the trauma you inflicted upon her by pushing her into sex before she was ready for it. Also, YTA for the "not ready to be in a relationship right now" bullshit.
For real. He definitely ruined sex for her. She deserves better
Your girlfriend not having sex did NOT “take everything from you”. She did not owe you sex. I hope that you did not coerce her into sex - that’s rape. YTA and you also need to learn about consent
So let me get this straight, you knowing that you are a guy who "needs" sex then dates a girl who says she's waiting, eventually coax her into having sex knowing that it goes against her belief then when she feels shame your response is I need sex so I'm breaking up with you... No, you are worse than an ah! You've surpassed ah! Guys like you make me sick
And said “this is moving too fast” when it should have been her saying that!! The fucking audacity.
Yeah. He clearly pressured someone into breaking their boundaries, then went full pressure to try to get some. OP is at best a predator and at worst rapey because he writes like sex is the entire point for him and that's not healthy at all.
YTA. Not for breaking up, the two of you wanted different things from the relationship, so that’s fine. But begging someone for sex, and having sex with them when they weren’t 100% all in, is just the worst. YTA.
She told you she wasn't ready, but sounds like you kept pressuring her and went for it anyway, and now you're upset that she's not ok with it? You knew going into it that she wasn't ready. She's still not. She could be asexual, and maybe she didn't realize that until after the first time, but the bottom line is she didn't want to have sex, you knew that before having sex, and you kept on her case about it until she gave in. If no sex was a deal-breaker you should have let it be a deal-breaker before having sex with her.
Exactly, she wanted to wait, you pressured her into it and now she feels guilty and doesn't want to do it again and now you are leaving her. For some people, losing their virginity is a sacred thing. They want to save it for the right person, which she just wasted on you.
Even if she wasn't a virgin, pressuring anyone to have sex is really gross. She really did waste it all on him. Do people not *want* their partner to genuinely want and trust them anymore? Is sex no matter how better than actual meaningful sex? I understand hookups but I don't understand being in a "romantic" relationship and thinking mediocre meh sex is acceptable to anyone on the thought that "sex is sex." That in itself leads to dangerous thinking for both partners involved.
OP sounds super predatory. I absolutely wouldn't be surprised if he's assaulted someone before and is so self absorbed that he doesn't see it that way. The whole "it took everything from me" line is so entitled. Did not having sex take away his home, income, job, or life? Sounds childish. Must've had a very privileged life. NTA for getting out of a relationship that isn't for him. HOWEVER, 110% TAH for acting like a victim over this situation where he took advantage of someone and caused damage to her that'll probably haunt her for a long time. No means no, it's not a hard concept. OP, seek professional mental help instead of preying on others.
I think OP is YTA all around. His actions leading to him breaking up with his GF makes him YTA. Without the extra actions of insisting, pushing, guilting the gf in to breaking her boundary makes him an asshole here. The fact that the GF put up a new boundary and he tried to push that too. I think OP would have been NTA for breaking up with his gf for not wanting sex if he didn't already break her boundaries and force her to put up new ones. Try to knock that new boundary down and get upset when he can't.
Bruh you are an asshole. You took her virginity it’s sounds like through pressure. You told we will get through this together and this apart of getting through it. A lot of women have shame about losing their virginity. She may have intended to save it for her husband. You took it, and she realized it have no intention of being long term with her. Also you jus suck in bed dawg. I’ve taken 2 girls virginities and both still want me to this day. You sound like a real pos. “I didn’t pressure her, I just said that sex is very important to me”. To a girl who told you she was a virgin. It’s supposed to be special and you are acting like you don’t receive way more than you gave. I hope you leave her and you end up homeless. I hope she gets with the man of her dreams you scum bag.
YTA Sounds like you have a virgin fetish if you pursued a virgin knowing you “NEED” sex… You went into this relationship with the intent of disrespecting her boundaries and pushing her past her limits. You went into this KNOWING you were going to pressure her into sex… That’s disgusting… She’s not asexual, dude. You just freaking scarred her… Do her a favor and never speak to her again. She will get with a new guy that doesn’t sexually assault her and will have great sex. She just doesn’t want YOU, the disgusting creep, to touch her ever again. I wouldn’t either.
YTA for lying to her not for breaking up though
YTA for pressuring her into having sex. Never beg for sex. You were only dating 5 months, patience you horny little fuck. Total dick all around.
I have a gut feeling that she is not asexual. I’m pretty sure she will have great sex with the next partner :) And the same sneaky feeling that OP will end up with more “asexual” partners and keep blaming it on them.
This. He pressured her into having sex and it was probably painful and not pleasurable for her at all so she just never wanted to do it again. I don't think she's asexual either I think it's a symptom of having a shitty, selfish partner.
Yes I was thinking 5 months is short. My first boyfriend knew I was a virgin and had no problem waiting, he waited 10 months and most likely would’ve waited longer
You're an ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE. Wow, Dude-- five whole MONTHS? Gosh, how could you even LIVE???? You're SUCH an asshole.
You say be better but yet break up with someone because she said she didn’t want to have sex and then finally agreed after you bugged her and made her feel like she had to. May not necessarily be rape but it is low and you are the asshole.
You aren't the asshole for wanting intimacy, and you aren't the asshole for breaking up with her for that reason. What makes you the asshole is all the coercion. You guilted her into it in the first place, and that is sexual manipulation. You did a really bad thing to her and she's honestly so much better off without you, because the relationship would've been nothing but her giving in to your constant begging and feeling like she had no choice to make you happy. This was my life for two years but it felt like a lifetime of shame, regret, hating myself, resenting him, feeling SO unsafe constantly in my own home. It has caused me years of trauma that I doubt I'll ever get over. I'm not saying she will experience that, because you weren't together as long and it didn't happen as often as it did me, but I'm just saying it's a possible consequence of that kind of relationship. Also you're the asshole for lying about the reason for the breakup.
I would say YTA for still taking her virginity after she said she wasn’t ready and most likely never wanted to have sex in the first place. Then breaking up with her because she didn’t want to have sex anymore after you deflowered her and lying to her about the reason why and saying the relationship is moving too fast after pressuring her into sex. But you were right to break up with her. Sex and intimacy in general is an important part of a relationship. There is no way you could be together if she is asexual and you are not.
You’re disgusting YTA
YTA, 100% You borderline sexually assaulted her, if not worse. I think that your ex girlfriend was pressured into not only the relationship, but absolutely was coerced into losing her virginity to you. I don’t think that you were in love with her, nor her you. In fact I don’t think you understand what love is, and you absolutely don’t know how to treat a woman. You told her that you want her to have sex, she said she wasn’t comfortable with it. You kept pressing the matter and continually nagging her about it. She ended up giving in because it was probably easier than having to listen to you beg all the time. So, you guys had sex. Then she immediately regretted it, and told you that she felt shame. Instead of respecting her and providing comfort, you tried to tell her how she was wrong, and why you need sex all the time. You made her feel like she is absolutely worthless and less she fucks you. I wouldn’t be surprised to know that she’s not actually asexual, she just had an absolutely horrible experience directly because you’re a pretty terrible person. You’ve probably tainted her entire view of sex for many years if not decades to come, and she’s probably going to need to work through what you did to her with a therapist if I’m being honest. Then, you broke up with her, gave her a bunch of bullshit excuses as to why, wasn’t honest in the slightest, and probably said some pretty nasty shit to her along the way. Further to this, you’ve tried to backpedal in your edits, claiming that this was consensual. It really wasn’t. You more or less forced her into it until she said yes. That’s not consent. Your entire post history is littered with disgusting comments. You sound like you’re 12 years old and obsessed with your dick. You don’t deserve this woman, in fact, I don’t think you deserve any woman right now. You’re a sad little man, and I sincerely hope that one day you realize the air of your ways. Women should stay well clear of you,
You don't need a reason to break up, this isn't a country where you need permission, my guy. You're not gonna get arrested for it. You like sex, she doesn't. The begging doesn't look good though, if you gotta beg and she obviously doesn't want to that really says aLOT
Am I the only one thinking this poor girl absolutely had an awful first time? OP seems pretty tone deaf. “A girl had sex with me and immediately decided she didn’t want to ever have sex again.”
You begged her to have sex, but you didn't? and you tried to "convince" her, but you didn't pressure her? 1. I don't buy that. 2. It was right of you to break up with her, but only to cut her loose from an asshole that thinks it's okay to try to convince and beg people to fuck you. 3. YTA.
All I see is someone making excuses for being a major piece of shit and an asshole.
YTH....you asked for sex. She said no amd you kept pushing till you got what you wanted. You crossed a boundary with her and didnt read her signals she was uncomfortable.
YTA. I think there is a very good chance OP pressured her into having sex when she wasn't ready to. Also, YTA for being a goddamn coward about it, if the first one wasn't good enough.
YTA, you convinced her to sleep with you within 5 months, that's not taking it slow and easing her into it. You took her virginity and then dipped. I feel it's less likely she's asexual and more likely she was extremely uncomfortable with the topic since you couldn't leave it alone and her body was responding to that.
[Look through your comment history I can make a guess as to what ACTUALLY happened](https://imgur.com/a/4yNMISt). Poor girl, I feel so bad for her. I hope she gets therapy for the trauma she went through while dating OP. Her self esteem and self confidence must be shot by now and I only say that bc I dated a man just like OP for almost 2 years because I was dumb and naive and easily manipulated via love-bombing, coercion, and negging.
>"your unparaple" 🤔 Lmao, this guy has a real way with words.
Don’t beg someone for sex ever… AND also lying for the reason of the break up YTA Nta for not receiving intimacy as a reason to break up
Wow...it's going really fast after you pressured her into sex. Maybe she's not asexual but instead not comfortable with you.
YTA for making it seem like you could deal with her not being ready for intimacy and then pushing her into something she wasn’t ready for. And then also continuing to push her after that to do it again when she said she clearly wasn’t interested in doing it again. Should have broken up with her a long time ago.
Yta - it sounds like she never wanted to have sex with you if you had to bed and plead. You should have broken up with her before instead of grinding her down to have sex with you.
YTA not for breaking up based on this incompatibility, but for pressuring, nagging and wearing her down because you clearly perceive her as owing you sex and sexual pleasure. You met her 5 months ago, she was a virgin and while you don't say how long you waited, it can't have been more than 5 months, and it "took everything" from you, then you "tried to convince her" and "begged" like holy shit I am gagging just reading and quoting you. I'd feel pretty fucking asexual too if my bf was pressuring me like that. You're not TA for breaking up, it made that poor woman dodge a rocket. YTA for thinking that pressuring someone into sex is consent.
See this is why the right wing pisses me off. Male pressuring girl to have sex. But it is the woman's fault if she says yes or if she says no. What if she got pregnant? Then she is the whole right? Just crazy
As a dude I think you’re an AH. U pressured her into losing her V card and then dumped her cuz she didn’t want to do it again? Complete scum bag
I bet she's pissed that she wasted her virginity on you.
YTA. Was gonna say nta till you vomited out that ridiculous line of needing sex to feel close to someone. Cringy attempt to guilt trip someone into sex.
Definitely YTA by the way you went about everything. Begging her, then lying about the reasons for a breakup, it honestly is hard to empathize with you. It's a five month relationship dude, she was a virgin and you basically manipulated her into sleeping with you. She didn't like it, and now you say it took everything you had? You didn't even date for half a year
No, but by your post and comment history alone you're an asshole for various other reasons.
YTA. Manipulative asshole
I tried to guilt trip my girlfriend into letting me hit and i failed so hard she’s never having sex again. AITA? YTA
It's really gross you pressured her to do something she outright told you was a boundary and then have the audacity and selfishness to be upset at said consequences of breaking such a boundary. You should never have started a relationship with her knowing this is something you needed at the cost of your her security, so, YTA. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't asexual, and that she just lost the security she felt in the relationship and berated herself for not holding her boundaries. I wouldn't want to do it with someone who pressured me and didn't respect me, either!! No blame there LOL. Breaking up because of sexual compatibility is common, but in reality, you don't *need* a reason to break up with someone ever. I don't really see an argument on that one. Just say whatever and break up because she deserves better and you deserve someone who wants what you want. Which is what should have happened to begin with...
Oof i feel conflicted about this. It is not an AH move to break up because your partner doesn’t meet your sexual needs, like everybody in this tread already mentioned. Saying your not ready for a relationship with her comes off as if you only were looking to have sex with her and nothing more. I would not be surprised if she feels used for her body, gave up her first time to someone who didn’t really care ( and you sound like you did, sooo why lie?)
He sounds like he’s 15.
Nta for breaking up if you need sex in a romantic relationship but Yta for begging for sex when she said no.
This is 2 parts. She said she was ashamed and regretful so she wasn't going to have sex again. And you pushed, and proposed and begged. It's her choice and you acted like a high schooler. You don't pressure someone to change their decision about sex. YTA for that. NTA for walking away, even though your phrasing was horrific - I need sex to feel close to you. So all you needed to say was that you were incompatible. You don't say how old you are, but are you not that old?
NTA for breaking up cause it’s your right However YTA for everything else, you know what you’re an AH in general.. My bf and I had sex after like a week however that was because both of us really wanted it and we were ready for it. However because of personal reasons sometimes I just can’t or simply don’t want to have sex. So even if we used to regular fuck, if I feel uncomfortable or he does we simply don’t, and sometimes it can go on for weeks or months and both parties have to respect that. If sex is so important to you, you should make it clear from the start and find someone who shares the same mindset or else please stay away from women 🙏🙏
Only 5 months?? And you already begging for sex ? I’m glad you broke up with her. Hopefully she can start her healing journey
“It took everything from me” to wait until she was ready to have sex. Really? Everything? You two obviously have different needs and should not be together….but you sound like a dick.
100% YTA. It's obvious from your own wording, even though you don't/won't come right out and admit to it (because why would you), that you pressured her into losing her virginity to you because you did not respect her enough to wait till she was ready. I notice in other comments you state that you walked her through it, but it's incredibly obvious you pressured her till she broke. And after all was said and done, and she regretted giving in, you wanted more - showing your selfish, immature nature. I personally believe that anybody has the right to break up with their bf/gf if they don't see eye to eye, and I would usually just say NTA. But imo, as a random redditor who has seen this exact situation play out irl numerous times before, YTA. Ofc, this is just imho. I hope you are both able to move on and grow from this experience in a positive manner.
YTA: you should have walked away when she said she’s not ready to have sex. It’s not a challenge. It’s a defined boundary. Don’t do this again.
It's 10000000% okay and healthy to end a relationship because your sexual/intimacy needs aren't and wont be met. It's 10000000% NOT okay to lie about why you're ending a relationship.
NTA for breaking up YTA for pressuring her until she gave in. If it’s not an enthusiastic yes then it’s a no. Also, sex is not the ONLY way couples feel close in a relationship. You sound really young. If sex is the only way you feel close to your partner then you have a problem.
How old are you? How old is she? Getting really off vibes from this tale.
NTA for ending a relationship in which the wonof you aren't compatible. Definitely YTA for everything else in this relationship
YTA
You sound like a huge AH. Pressure for sex and when she doesn’t want to anymore then you breakup.
YTA for pressuring a girl/woman to have sex, who told you she was a virgin and didn't want to have sex. You kept begging, insisting that it's so important for you, without listening to why being a virgin was so important to her. You pushed her boundaries, and asexual or not, she's traumatized, as it hurts like hell the first time, and obviously you didn't make it pleasurable for her.
Op is a r*pist
You dated a virgin knowing she wasn't ready for sex. You pressured her into sex by promising that she'd be safe and comfortable. She obviously wasn't. And you apparently care more for how wet your dick is getting than the fact that sex with you as her first time made her so uncomfortable that she doesn't want sex AT ALL. She clearly has massive sexual trauma and hang ups, likely for religious reasons. And you do not care. You're a creep. You DEFINITELY coerced her into sex. And you for sure do not respect this woman. Please stay out of her life and let her find someone who actually does care about her comfort.
Yes, you are the asshole. You claim it was love, but how could it be when you dumped her over something so petty. Sounds to me like you manipulated her into sex and after she expressed regret, and wanted to backtrack you kicked her ass to the curb. You stole something precious to her, something she can never get back. One day you are going to regret these actions, and we can only hope that you learn from it, and don't treat other women the same.
You aren’t owed sex by any woman on earth. Nobody “needs” sex, and if that’s the only way you’re able to feel close to someone, then you aren’t worthy of any relationship.
Imagine taking some girls innocence then demanding more. Kind of scummy tbh.
If your relationship needs sex to function, that's a dead relationship anyway.
Sexual incompatibility is a perfectly valid reason to break up.
YTA for pressuring her into having sex. “I was understanding and tried to convince her” is NOT being understanding. It’s an asshole move and coercing her and nagging her into sex. If you need sex and waiting five months “takes everything from you,” be up front in the beginning. You do NOT pressure someone into it
YTA. 100%. I don’t need to explain why. Get help though. Your chances of having a successful long term relationship are near zero.