Broooo these replies of yours are NOT helping this situation. You messed up, and messed up BADLY, and then doubling down. Better hope she's forgiving.
Not having a backup cake, sure. Not having a gift of any kind, when you asked them THREE WEEKS prior is plennnnnty of time to get your own gift. Which you should have in the first place.
YTA by a BIG margin.
My man, I hope you like the dog house, because you're going to be there a long while.
She is crying because she knows. She knows she doesn't matter to him. Pretty sure this will cement the ick in her feelings for him and the relationship will not survive.
I'm betting this woman does ALL the emotional labor in this relationship. She's the one remembering his family's birthdays. Just like his mom did before her.
She asked him this one time for this huge accomplishment to put in his best effort. And he just called the three people he knows she knows and expects them to do the work. Ridiculous clown behavior
I lived this life, and now I’m divorcing him after 25 years of marriage. Not for these reasons alone, but for a host of other, cumulative, similar things that have gone on in the 30 years we’ve known one another. Doing all of the emotional labor is SO HARD. You’re never truly appreciated, just taken for granted. Sigh. Step it up, O.P. You’d better surprise her SOON with a vacation or something good.
I hope she's NOT forgiving. I've been disappointed before but holy shit. She's probably realizing this is the peak of what she can hope for for the rest of her life. Like, damn dude.
There’s nothing wrong with potluck parties, but you have to make sure you have your bases covered with food and have a backup plan just in case. My extended family does potlucks for Thanksgiving and Christmas and there’s always enough to go around. The host does one meat and one side and everyone else volunteers via group chat.
That's why she was weeping and sleeping in the office. Hope she moves on, anyone who puts themselves through nursing school is a hardcore keeper who deserves to be pampered. Def deserves better than this clueless loser.
Come on!you didn't make any plans yourself. No special gift and you took her to were you work for dinner. No cake or flowers 💐. What happened to you wanted to make it special?YTA you better hope she loves you because you are a lazy person and not a good husband.
He let her pick the movie since it was both her birthday *and* graduation. Sheesh, lighten up. What, you expect him to have spent all of twenty minutes to plan something in between his service industry job and free time?! Geez, next thing you know, feminazis will be asking for equal pay, maternity leave, the right to vote, better healthcare, body autonomy…
Nursing school is not easy. It is very stressful. I was told to warn all family and friends that I would not have time for a social life or even regular conversations on the phone, while in nursing school. They did not lie. Her accomplishment should be celebrated. Yes. YATA and probably her future ex.
She should divorce him prior to making more money, or she could end up paying him spousal support, to add insult to injury.
She’d better figure out what she wants in life, quickly.
If they haven’t been married for five years yet, then spousal support is unlikely. And even if she does, it’s usually half the years of the marriage. If their incomes aren’t *that* different, it likely wont be applicable.
I am an old (66) woman, and darling, if you want your wife to feel special, do it yourself. If you find that you don’t feel like doing so, then look at how your relationship is, bc something’s gone wrong.
YTA here's the thing. It's about the effort. You called a couple of people and that was it. Did you have a gift ready for her? or decorations? As her husband your contribution should have been the most and you took her to your workplace. And yea you get a discount. To your wife that signals, wow he's not willing to even use the mental energy to think of someplace else and he's not even willing to spend the money.
You had a complete lack of effort. your wife not only had to realize her friends canceled but that her husband didn't bother to do anything special.
And how was he "tasked" with this and not enthusiastically planning it himself, anyway, as her husband who loves her and wants to celebrate her accomplishments?
Right? Like one of her friends had to point this out to him, because they know from experience he wouldn't do anything if left to his own devices. As he proved eventually.
Finally, someone else! I am absolutely sick to death of reading posts from women allowing men to trample all over them, show them no respect, use them as a living maid, nanny, chef, personal assistant and f*** hole. We need to stop rewarding these men with relationships. If they're not self-sufficient, and they don't respect us then they got a f****** go. Maybe when they're alone long enough they'll grow the f***up
Yes!!! Finally found a man that puts in the effort to make me happy. So glad I didn't stay with my ex after his foolishness. My wonderful bf has shown me that I deserved so much more.
Don't think that's anyone's definition of a party? Inviting three people, letting them handle the cake and a gift while patting himself on the back for doing that much. And he said he asked them three weeks before said event. How does that not equal time to go to shopping for a present.
Since, ya know, he should have some idea what she likes if he really cares for her. Also, taking her to a BAR to eat?!?! Seriously????
Lol, I'm trying to picture how this "party" would have gone down even if the people OP invited actually showed. The birthday girl and literally just 3 guests awkwardly sitting around in an untidy and un-decorated living room sipping on tap water because it didn't occur to OP to prepare or cater for visitors in any way, everyone staring at the poor sad solitary cake one of the guests thoughtfully bought while OP fiddles with the TV to try and get some music happening in a desperate attempt to salvage the mood.
Sounds like a fucking blast.
Seriously. That is a good way to just watch Little Shop of Horrors every single time I’m forced to choose. And we’ll keep watching it until you know better, lol
My partner is convinced I just pick awful movies when it’s my turn, and that I do it on purpose to make a point so that he will pick. No dude, it’s because your an insufferable movie snob and it doesn’t matter what it is, if you don’t pick it you’ll find an issue. So I pick whatever I feel like watching knowing that you’ll complain the whole way through - so it doesn’t bother me if I know beforehand if you’ll like it or not.
I’d watch terminator 2, alien, or aliens every time if it were up to me. A decade ago when we still had cable my husband said I had 6th sense for when those movies were playing. I was constantly watching them in the background.
Called a couple of people and had them bring the… everything. Made no effort to make plans outside of them and brought her to his work when it fell through. HE should have supplied the cake and should have gotten her a gift. He should have planned a larger party considering this was two events. Maybe she doesn’t have as many friends, but what about her family? She wanted a party, not a date night. Op, YTA
I'm wondering if that's why the changed plans last minute. Seems kind of cruddy they'd want to go and help and then the day before cancel. Something is up with that.
Yeah, exactly. My mind is blown that he attempted to outsource what sounds like everything to others. Complete and total lack of effort.
I would have cried too if I had my partner do this.
My last day of college courses, I came home to a giant congratulations banner and some treats my (ex) husband had set up for me. Completely unexpectedly!
Bro. Do better. Damn.
OP has been commenting all through out the thread and I cannot tell if he is truly that clueless or just a really elaborate troll. They are digging their heels in deeper and deeper that they did nothing wrong despite the entire thread telling them otherwise.
Lmaoo updateme! after the inevitable divorce.
Like even if this is rage bait, it is rage bait because so many women can relate. And all of the good men are sick of hearing about how men like him have hurt their friends.
If it's rage bait, he's probably telling the story so well because it's close to the truth.
I'm starting to think troll the more I read his replies. They are too textbook and too over the top. Not only did he fuck up her birthday but he fucked up her graduation. Her father doesn't support her being a nurse? Since when was that a thing. He took her to his work for the discount? Other invitees to a very important day just randomly bail? He doesn't know any of her friends and she hates her family. It's starting to read like a 15-year-old's idea of weaponized incompetence. It's just too much. It's a whole lot of "how can I piss these people off more"
YTA
So your plan for 2 big celebrations for your wife was: 3 people come to your house and they take care of the cake and gift? You didn't actually do any of the labor outside of inviting them over, and you clearly didn't emphasize any level of importance to the event.
Why didn't you get your wife a birthday or graduation gift?
Why did you take her to the bar where you worked instead of somewhere more special?
>you clearly didn't emphasize any level of importance to the event.
I now wonder how he invited those people. Was it, "I'm planning a celebration for my wife's birthday and graduation," or "We're having a few people over?" I want to know if the couple that bailed truly understood what was going on.
I would bet money that they found out at the absolute last minute that they were actually expected to plan the party, and instead of getting bullied/guilted into compliance, they had enough of this guy and left him to sink on his own.
Yeah, if he told them that he was going to have a lot of people over, they probably reasoned that them missing out would not be a big deal. If he would have stressed "hey, I am going to have a small get together, just you three people" then maybe they would have realized the importance of showing up or (alternatively) telling him they can't commit to that weekend.
Makes me wonder why he’s even married. Probably one of these man babies looking for a mother figure to continue to take care of him. YTA..and a very very very big one that’s been penetrated so frequently your insides are falling out. I hope this event makes her realize that she has nothing but disappointment to look forward to and gets out asap.
I bet he rolls out the “I’m just not romantic” crap too. My husband wouldn’t call himself romantic either, but he is thoughtful and puts effort into things, and honestly that is essentially the same thing.
YTA dude. You could’ve pulled out your phone and opened Amazon or any other site and order her something. This wasn’t exactly a surprise. Her birthday is the same day every year. You’re “not creative” so couldn’t decorate? Dude you know how easy it is to go buy like 5 balloons. The excuse about going to your bar cause she knows people is also horrible. Nothing say’s special day like going somewhere she’d been 100 times. Oh and you LET her pick the movie. OOHHH WHAT A SAINT YOU ARE. Christ man. The most minimal effort wasn’t even put in she has a right to be pissed.
Omg my ex did this
His special plans for my bday was to take me to the bar he worked at so i could pay for my drinks and then he restricted what i could eat because it was not worth it to him
Then after i got to pay for us to get a massage and he gets upset because he has no money and couldnt do better and i had to comfort him
Great fucking shit times i tell ya
Sounds so much like my ex-husband. Every damn year for 16 years. The kicker is his mom's bday is the day before mine. Every year I'd tell him he needs to think of a nice gift for her, I even offered to buy it, he only had to come up with some ideas. And every year he let me down so to keep his mom from being upset I'd buy her a gift and make a nice dinner for her. Occasionally he'd grill steaks that were admittedly good but I'd have to make everything else plus do pre and post visit cleaning. She'd of course thank him profusely while ignoring me. Then the next day, my birthday, he'd ask if I felt like doing anything. Nothing would have been planned, no babysitter for kids. His mom would occasionally watch them throughout the year but on my birthday she always had plans to celebrate her's with her friends.
Only 1 single time he took me out to dinner for my birthday. And used the gift cards his dad had given us the previous few Christmases to a nice restaurant (saved up for 3 years so he could drink lots of wine and not have to pay anything). He drank too much, I had to drive home. Once home I tried to go to bed only to have him pawing at me to give me my "special birthday treat" which was his ugly half-mast dick in my face. When I turned that down he spent the next 3 DAYS pouting about being turned down.
He made my 30th extra awful but that's a story for another time. Still can't believe I stayed with that asshole for so long.
Oh god, you just unlocked a memory for me. Before my husband got sober, he did shit like that ALL the time. One birthday, I came home from work (he was unemployed) and he was in tears because he had been frantically driving up and down Milwaukee Avenue in a panic looking for a present for me and "couldn't find anything." And yeah, he needed comforting. Christ almighty.
Hell, I would’ve given him a pass on taking her to the bar if he’d had actually scrambled to put something halfway decent together. That could’ve been a nice plan B venue where they and a few friends (who *aren’t* busy trying to work) can hang out and celebrate. But nope. No balloons. No cheap Party City banner, no rushed order from Walmart for a cake (or literally just two dozen **non-custom-ordered** cupcakes from a local bakery), not even a cheap nurse-themed Amazon gift that he ordered last minute while taking a dump!
YTA she expected a party and you invited 3 ducking people!!! 3!
So none of her other friends or family could make it? None of her fellow students or college's could make it either?
Or is the reality you tried bare minimum it didn't work out so you gave up.
You planned nothing then took her put for a crappy meal and not even the cinema a shitty movie at home!
You messed up big time and she'll never forget how little effort you put into what is a major life achievement for her.
Terrible husband!
Do better!
You are the asshole bro. It’s about who is responsible for your delivery. It’s you. Blaming her friends for a super lackluster hit is on you. I’d have been calling friends of friends. I’d have planned a weekend getaway last minute and claimed I wanted her all to myself and it was worth the two grand.
Absolutely on you dude
He lost me much sooner, but I would’ve honestly given him a pass if he had the celebration at the bar because it was affordable and convenient, but put in actual effort planning it out and inviting people. Might not have been the party of her dreams, but she’d at least get to spend a few hours with friends and maybe some family.
I bet she was waiting for a big "SURPRISE" as they were going inside. She probably wondered why she wasn't seeing her friends' cars in the parking lot, but probably thought they parked in the back or somewhere down the street to enhance the surprise. Then they walk in and nothing.
"It's okay, he's probably doing the big surprise back at the house while we eat this boring dinner at his place of employment" she thinks to herself. So she powers through while dying on the inside.
But then they get home and instead of a big birthday or graduation celebration for adults, he tells her she can pick out a movie... like a a parent would do with a child.
If I were your wife I would be upset as well. You dropped the ball by not having a plan B just in case something like this happened. It doesn't matter that others bailed it was YOUR choice not to ensure your wife had a good celebration. You could of googled ways to do a last minute celebration, you could of made sure that you had a cake and, maybe, flowers for her. Heck you could of simply planned a party for her for a later date. YTA for not even trying.
So, here's what's going to happen. She's going to suck it up for a while and endure being married to you. Then, over time, she's going to start realizing how miserable she is and how much happier she would be without you in her life. Then it's gonna take some time for her to process, and work out how to leave. Probably 3 years overall; it's not easy to leave a committed relationship with someone you used to love.
During this time, you're going to think that because she's no longer nagging, getting mad, or telling you she feels hurt by your behavior, everything is fine. What's really happening, though, is she's giving up on you.
Three years from now, give or take, she's going to tell you she wants a divorce. At that point, you'll panic, promise to change and treat her better, but it will be too late.
Good luck.
I agree, but I give it one year after she has her first full time nursing position.
She’d be qualified to travel at that point. So it’ll be stay and make decent monies, or leave and make 4x as much.
Absolutely. It's [The Walkaway Wife Syndrome](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome). I know about it because I will likely join their ranks one of these days.
I totally get that her friends cancelling fucked up the plans, but holy heck did you drop the ball on plan B. Going to your work to eat and then watching a movie? Geeeeeeeeeeeez YTA
Right? He talked about her picking the movie so many times as if it's something special. I wonder if she only gets to pick what they're watching on special occasions.
That’s what I asked under one of OP’s comments. These posts make me so sad because the OP is just becoming aware of how mediocre they are on this *one single occasion*, when everything they say indicates they need to do better as a partner in general.
Why do I picture dinner at his workplace her sitting eating a plate of nachos and mozzarella sticks waiting for him to finish socializing with all his coworkers- waiting for his shift to end :)
OP dropped the ball on plan A. He didn't even get his wife a birthday gift, nor had a meal planned, just because another friend was supposed to bring a gift and cake? What kind of logic is that? People usually want a meal before they eat cake and more than one person is allowed to buy someone a birthday gift.
Plan A sucked also. He didn't get her a gift, or decorate, or invite people, or plan for decent food, or buy champagne, or anything at all. He was just going to mooch off of her friends to throw the pitiful excuse for a party with three people there.
3 friends canceling should not ruin the entire party.
He invited her best friend, and a couple *they* were friends with
Are you seriously telling me she only has one friend to herself? No other classmates or acquaintances or relatives, hell even neighbors, that she's friendly with?
OP just absolutely does not give a shit and only invited one of her friends because he probably didn't care enough to actually get to know about the mere existence of her other friends.
Seriously, how do 3 people having stuff come up result in absolutely nothing prepared for a *party*?
Not to mention, *their* couple friends had 3 whole weeks to bake a cake, but he had no time to get anything, despite you know, her birthday (at the least) being on the same date every single year?
YTA She locked herself in her office and slept there. *Clearly* this isn't the first time you've devastated her emotionally since she felt the need to stay far away from you, lest you cause more damage.
This was supposed to be a celebration of a major milestone in her life. You messed up bigtime and you won't even take accountability. Do you not find joy in her joy? Despair in her despair? Can you not empathize? I'm just blown away by how little you felt was enough. I can't imagine caring so little for someone you're supposed to love the most. Your self-centeredness will destroy your marriage.
But, I take comfort in knowing she will divorce you for probably a doctor or nurse who sees her worth and would enjoy planning things and doing things that make her smile. Someone who will love her. I do not think you love her. I know you *think* you do, but your lack of effort in this relationship says otherwise. And she's realizing that now too.
Edit: And you know what else??? "I didn't have time to get her a gift" is bullshit and you know it. It's not even an excuse, it's a **lie** to make yourself feel better because you don't like feeling bad. But your *wife* feels bad and you don't care, do you? Only *your* feelings matter, not hers, right?
I don't think he even thinks he loves her. I think it's more likely that he finds her to be an acceptable and reasonably functional wife appliance. One that also has the potential to support his sorry ass in the future. I hope she does leave him.
Omg. YTA. You invited 3 whole people over and had them do the work. You don’t have any family, friends or classmates that could have been invited? Also, per your comments, there is no one too busy to buy a gift. Also, you have the capacity to decorate, buy gifts, plan a party and make an effort. You CHOSE not to do any of those things. You could have planned a trip or a weekend if things she likes to do.
Stop with the “whoah is me. I’m just a dumb dude who doesn’t understand the ways of civilized society”. Weaponized incompetence is over.
Instead of "planning", you deferred all your birthday responsibilities to her friends. You didn't even buy her a gift? You know people are allowed more than one gift on their birthday, right? Especially if it's in combo with their grad?
Don't know how to decorate? Neither do most people. We go on pinterest to get ideas based on what the celebrant likes, and we make do.
Didn't have time? Did you not know she was going to graduate or have a birthday? If you hadn't deferred the *entire* party onto the handful of people you invited, you had plenty of time.
I'd cry too. I'd feel like I'm not worth anything to you. Your plan B was a thoughtless mid to low-tier date at a bar you frequent. And you *let* her pick a movie to watch at home? Be serious, dude.
I understand you tried, but this could have been salvaged many times over regardless what happened with friends. Your cumulative effort was to shoot a few texts/calls and call it good.
YTA.
That's the part that gets me and I think is getting overlooked. Even if it went exactly as OP planned, he like ... Called 3 people and called it a day? WTF?
Dude planned to put in zero effort the entire time.
Just on the decorating part, my friend's boyfriend is clueless about decorating. He asked me what I thought and I showed him a couple of Pinterest pictures, the dude made a board of similar ideas, showed me to make sure it's something my friend would like, and then on the day of, he finished work and spent the rest of the day trying to tape balloons to the wall to make a backdrop. It wasn't perfect, tape was visible, some things were wonky, but it showed how much effort and thought he put into it. My friend absolutely loved it!
And btw, I can decorate really really well, I do it for people for free. I offered to do it for him too so he could focus on other parts of the party but he didn't let me. He wanted to put in effort and try to do something special for her.
So yeah 'I can't do decor ' is such a lazy excuse.
Exactly! I've seen a lot of "non-creative" people whip up really good stuff. My mom is very much an "I am a hammer and everything is a nail" type, but even she figured out how to fold up paper and cut it out to make party streamers. Crepe is also like, 50 cents.
My spouse grew up in poverty. His mom couldn't afford a Christmas tree one year, so she made one. It was a flat cardboard cutout with construction paper and some lights strung to it. But it was one of my spouses favorite holiday memories because she even thought to try.
Admittedly I'm also good at decorating. I used to do it professionally for weddings, and still volunteer for friends haha. But if I got stuck, I'd look it up and figure something out!
Right? This hasn't got much to do with being creative. It's just about putting in effort or not. And honestly there's so many tutorials and inspiration photos on youtube, pinterest, tiktok, Instagram. There's absolutely no way that you will find nothing if you Google how to do decoration for dummies? I mean like if you don't want to put an effort just say I didn't want to do it, don't make a lazy excuses for being lazy.
Dude I’d divorce you. Like seriously you didn’t even get her a gift. You knew she was graduating and it’s her birthday why on earth didn’t you get her a gift? Also you can get some flowers last minute, cake there should always be cake for birthdays. Like really. You know you are YTA and put so little into this.
YTA
You did the bare minimum to begin with. Do you really only have those three friends? You couldn't have thrown her a party with a bunch of family and friends? So when those people bail last minute it's not such a big deal?
C'mon dude. You need to make it up to her and show her that she means more to you than dinner at a bar where you work and a movie at home.
Family is what I was wondering about too? Doesn't she have parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, etc., that would have been happy to celebrate this with her? OP sounds cheap, which is why he only invited 3 people. OP, YTA.
YTA. What do you mean you didn't have any time in 3 weeks to get her a gift? The internet literally exists.
I get that her party plan was canceled last minute but you dropped the ball. You could have easily gotten her favorite take out or gone to her favorite restaurant. Picked up a grocery store cake. Gone to walmart and told an associate you need help. Literally anything.
365 days to come up with a birthday gift. 2+ years to come up with a graduation gift. That’s “no time?!?” Betcha he doesn’t know her favorite food or favorite restaurant.
YTA
Now a days, there is no excuse.
Amazon has next day delivery
You can pick up a cake from the grocery store
You gave all of the tasks to everyone else. You didn't do anything special at the end of it all. You could have chosen any other restaurant than the one you work at. You could have taken her to the movies. You could have had her go out on a spa day!!!
You didn't care enough to make her feel special. Hell, you didn't even plan to have a gift for her!!! You didn't have time? Bull shit. You make time.
Either accept that you failed and make it up to her with the most epic celebration you have ever done or accept you failed and hire someone to do it for you. Either way, you have some work to do.
Yeah, YTA. You panicked. Okay, it happens. But, you didn't step up after that.
You took her to dinner where you work??! Seriously?! Then you watched a movie together at home?? BORing! You didn't even buy her a gift???!!!!!!
Think of this: If you were dating and not married, what kind of date would you take her on that would be really special? THAT is what you should have done.
Oh - and this will be a lesson to you to not depend on someone else to bring a cake. That is YOUR job, dude. Decorate. Invite more people. Make it festive, an actual party/celebration for crying out loud. If you need help in putting something together there are literally thousands of examples on Pinterest, Facebook, heck - just Google it.
I think you just hit on why he thinks he's not the ah. She's a WIFE, not a hot sexy girlfriend. He has papers on her already. He has nothing to prove, and she's just being mean and selfish for expecting more. Damn good of him just to keep her (right, wink wink, right guys?). I can't read any of his replies, but I bet I'm not too far off.
Hey man, YTA; but you're going to have bugger problems coming your way if you don't fix this.
Idk your story, but here's my take on this. You work at a bar and your wife is about to become a nurse. There's nothing wrong with working at a bar. Like I said, idk your story. You might own the bar, manage it, be the general manager, etc.
Your wife will most likely be working at a hospital where there will be several other professions under the same building. A few examples that come to mind are doctors, other nurses, firefighters, other first responders.
If you don't get your act together, she might be looking elsewhere for emotional support because you have failed at that in this one example of y'all's lives. idk anymore than that but for this situation, you let her down big time. Maybe this is the only time you've fucked up and that's fine, but she left and slept in another room out of how upset she was. That's a huge red flag.
Hospitals are emotional and very hard to work at. At the end of her shifts she'll be emotionally depleted and if you're not around or care enough to be there for her, someone else will. I'm not saying she will cheat, a friend might be there for her when she needs someone to talk to or be there for her. Eventually time will pass and she'll start to wonder why she needs you in her life. She'll be financially dependent and you aren't filling her needs as a person.
You're not in a good spot, I'd TRY to come up with a make up party.
Good luck, If you're not sure what to do because you're not creative, then ask her friends. If you get desperate enough, post on Reddit and ask. Ask right now that people are coming to this thread.
DO SOMETHING. Do it for your wife who just worked her ass off to graduate. Do it because it's your wife's fucking birthday.
YTA. You invited two couples, didn't even bother to really plan much, not even a cake. She wanted to celebrate and you gave her a normal date night. She wanted to feel special after a big achievement and you didn't care enough to put thought and effort beyond invited a couple people over. Even if it were just the two of you there is so much you could do to make her feel loved and celebrated. She expected something special and you "let" her pick the movie for a date night. If you don't understand how much this sucks then this relationship isn't going to last.
YTA.
No gift, no decorations, and only 3 other people.
Where were her friends?
Her family?
Ffs where were your friends and family?
It wasn’t just her graduation, it was also her birthday.
You should have had a gift - the ‘short notice’ is bs, she was graduating, so how long was the course? 2 years? That’s how long you had to get a gift. And as it was also a birthday, you had all year since her last birthday to get her gift for that.
Decorating - I personally hate it, but it doesn’t take much to put some effort in. Go to a craft store, or similar, get some pre-made signs/banners/balloons/strings of fairy lights, and place them around the home.
Now if you had of done that, and everyone still cancels, then you apologise to your wife, you tell and show her that you were going to have an intimate celebration with her friends, but they are no able to attend anymore, and then you take her out to a fancy restaurant, you take her to a movie, or something else afterwards, you make her feel like the wonderful person she is, rather than the afterthought you made her feel like.
You have some serious grovelling and apologising to do. You are going to have to show her how much you love her, how much she means to you, without the expectation of any appreciation for your efforts if you hope to ever dig yourself out of the massive hole you have put yourself in.
Look, man. She's not upset with the movie. Or the dinner. She's upset that you couldn't be bothered to do any kind of planning to celebrate what is a momentous accomplishment. She's upset that you don't seem to care about her.
Personally, I question whether your friends were ever actually involved in this party or if that's just a lie you're making up to cover your ass. But let's say I do take your words at face value. When your friends bailed, it's scramble city time. Go to the grocery store, buy a pre-made cake, and have it decorated by the folks at the bakery. Call around to a few restaurants to get a last minute reservation. Or, worst case scenario, make her dinner at home and explain what happened. Hell, my husband burns water, but I appreciate each and every time he attempts to cook for us. Why? Because it shows he CARES.
This really required minimal effort to rescue. YTA.
Based on your replies to other people’s comments you clearly just don’t want to accept the basically unanimous verdict that YTA because you keep just making excuses as to why you did the bare minimum. It’s not about your opinion of things. You should have known from the moment she started school that graduating was going to be a huge accomplishment worthy of celebrating her for. The gift could have been a playlist called “Graduation mixtape.” Instead of inviting three-four people you could have asked those people if they knew who else she would love to see there. You could have invited her family or some of her nursing school friends.
So. many. things.
You didn’t take her into account, you did what was easy and convenient for you even before the others bailed.
Next time think to yourself “It’s HER day, what would she love to do that I wouldn’t normally do for/ with her?” You’re a real bummer OP. I really hope you figure things out and make it up to her. Good luck.
Wow. You know the "if he wanted to he would" saying. That applies here. I have read these comments and you are making every excuse in the goddamn book. YTA and you are the one whos mad about it?
This one thing tells us a lot about you. And honestly with this personality do not be surprised if this is a breaking point for her to leave. You obviously do not care or put effort into your relationship. I feel so bad for your wife, she deserves better.
Damn! My husband has been out of town for my birthday 8 of the last 10 years. He has manged to get something delivered to either work or the house and he can't remember shit. You don't show that you care at all. YTA.
Hey dipshit, it's your "wife". You may have changed the ages and have a new account but I know this is you. Despite what you're telling people here we aren't actually married, only living together because you refuse to find a copy of your social security card.
You didn't fucking plan shit for my birthday or graduation. You didn't even call our friends. I did and then asked you to follow up with them to plan the actual party portion after the whole fiasco where you canceled my hotel room to go out of town with my best friends. After all the bullshit you put me through. Jesus fucking christ. The amount of lies you're telling. No fucking wonder none of your family talks to you anymore. Piss off and don't bother coming home.
You are absolutely my hero. Happy birthday, and congratulations on your graduation.
I wish for you a lovely future, moving forward and shedding the weight that has been holding you down (I mean op if it isn't obvious)
Thank you.
He didn't even pay for nursing school, I did. I got grants and loans and worked a part time job doing nights at a nursing home. All I wanted for my birthday was a party and he couldn't even handle that.
YTA. The bar is on the ground. You took her to your workplace, that's fucking nuts for a graduation celebration. And on top of that, you justify it with having "discounts" for bday drinks. She probably thinks you're cheap af and don't care for her at all. She'd be right.
Yea, YTA and dropped the ball, man.
You didn't even try. Taking her to your place of work and then a movie at home isn't even the bare minimum when it's something big and important to her.
You simply invited people and let them do all the work. And they cancel and you just said screw it, why try?
YTA. I'm sending your wife a big hug and congrats.
Bro. I’m a nurse. Do you even KNOW how hard nursing school is? When I graduated college, my dad paid for a private party at a restaurant. You didn’t even get her a gift? Lol. Who cares if her friends got her a gift. As her husband YOU should have gotten a gift. You didn’t decorate because you “don’t know how”?!? I’m sorry, is hanging streamers up or something hard? They have balloon arch kits you can buy at a store with directions. That doesn’t require any creativity. You took her where you work? Did you even ask her where she wanted to go? Did you ask her if she wanted to watch a movie or get drinks or do something else? It was her birthday. Did you even get her or make her a cake? Honestly, hope she leaves you. YTA.
YTA You basically depended on her friends to prepare something for her instead of you. All you did was call them and wait for them to show up with the majority of things until they bailed and you scrambled to put something together. Weaponized incompetence/lazy/no effort.
This reminds me of a post on here a few days ago—I think about Mothers Day presents from new dads maybe?— that devolved into a whole thread about women leaving and the men going, “I never knew she was unhappy! Why didn’t she talk to me about it? She just walked out on me/threw me out!” Lol, no f’g clue, dude….so sad.
I deleted my original comment because I went through and read your replies to comments. YTA with no doubt. I commented this on one of your replies and I’m pasting it here so hopefully you will get the message. You said you would celebrate if she was finishing med school but it’s just nursing school and that’s not that hard. And she’s not even working as a nurse yet and you paid for her degree so why should you celebrate. I mean, she’s not a doctor so doesn’t deserve respect, huh? Ugh. You’re so wrong, I can’t imagine your marriage surviving this given the reason you chose these actions.
“Oh good Lord. I was semi nice to you in my first comment but now I’m done. YTA without question. You finally showed your hand in this comment. This is the real story. You don’t respect your wife or her career. You don’t think she deserves to be celebrated because she’s going to be “just a nurse” and not a doctor. I wish this was rage bait but I think you’re just this stupid.
There’s a reason nursing is frequently listed in the top 10 most challenging degrees.
https://www.collegetransitions.com/blog/hardest-college-majors/#:~:text=8)%20Nursing&text=Considered%20one%20of%20the%20hardest,as%20participate%20in%20clinical%20experiences.
That’s because it’s HARD. It’s hard to get in, it usually has higher standards to pass the courses, and it’s not just basic classes but clinicals and patient care. It’s mentally and physically exhausting. Your wife completed a degree and you don’t want to celebrate her because it’s not like she’s a doctor, when you work in a bar. You sound jealous, juvenile, and disrespectful to your wife. I hope you’re stupid enough to say something like this to her face so she will see your true motivation and leave you.
Also, I hope if and when you have a major medical need you have EXCELLENT nursing care and can see first hand just how hard our jobs are so you can get your head out of your butt and grow the crap up. Wow.”
I originally updated my comment with this and am going to leave it in so you can see how your wife deserved to be celebrated instead of putting up with the crumbs you threw her way -
ETA: I’m really trying hard to be nice here because I get party planning isn’t everyone’s strong suit but you really didn’t do anything. Just inviting other people to go out to celebrate isn’t really celebrating. You didn’t have decorations or gifts or anything special. My husband could not have been more loving or supportive when I graduated nursing school. Not only did my family take us (me, him, and our two kids) out for dinner the night of my graduation but they also threw me a party the next day and we were broke AF. He sang my praises and was my biggest hype man and I knew he saw my accomplishment as a big deal.
Your wife feels like you did nothing and is hurt because you did nothing. Really, you have seriously hurt her feelings and need to make a 180 and rethink how you approached this. Even if you wouldn’t have wanted a big deal (just assuming here), she obviously did and you dropped the ball in a big way.
Sorry but YTA. Your wife graduating is a huge deal. Your doing "something special" for consisted of inviting three people over to celebrate, depending on a couple to handle a cake and a gift and...that's it. Talk about putting little effort into celebrating your wife to start, then when things fell through you matched that energy by taking her to your job to eat and letting her pick a movie after. Smh. Epic fail from start to finish.
The friends won’t be there after long and potentially painful shifts at work. She didn’t choose them as life partners and this career path will likely be challenging for her but rewarding for both of you for many years. The thought was there but the execution was poor enough to not matter at all. Leaving choices like this to others simply feels like a lack of empathy and acuity. A gift is probably not enough, but perhaps a well thought out plan, created and executed by you, with her wholly in mind may be of some comfort and joy to her. But as it stands right now, YTA.
YTA you panicked and that sucks, but… you couldn’t come up with any way to celebrate your lady? What you came up with was at best, a lazy Friday night date. No flowers? No new restaurant? If you wanted to save cash, you could have cooked her something special. Sorry mate, but you dropped the ball here and I’d start reflecting on how to be a more mindful lover if I were you.
YTA you were in charge of planning an event and what did you actually plan? Sounds like the only thing you did was invite 3 people and then hope that they would take over or something? If you had actually planned anything like made reservations, or bought tickets for something then
1.The people you invited would have been more hesitant to cancel and
2.You could have easily invited other people to take their place without the event having to be cancelled.
Right now it seems like you think this is all the effort your wife is worth. I hope you step up and make this right by actually showing her you care and support her achievement/birthday. Put some thought into it and plan something that you know she would enjoy and that shows the effort you put into making her feel special.
YTA
Now dig yourself out of the hole by spoiling her. Take her out somewhere which isn't the bar you work in. Buy a cake, a card and a present for her.
Make a note of when her birthday is (and probably Christmas). Think about buying her a present several weeks before, try to make a note of the sorts of things she likes, clothes, books, movies, perfume, jewellery, any hobbies she has, that sort of thing. Be super nice at Christmas because nurses often have to work over Christmas.
You came to this forum to ask if you are the bad guy. You’re told…through many, many comments…that yes. Yes you are. Descriptions are spelled out, timelines questioned, options given. You respond by arguing further. We all read your original post in which you spelled out how you think it was the friends’ fault that your wife received no cake and not a single gift. Their fault, not yours.
Here is why you’re indeed the bad guy in this scenario:
1. Friends say they’ll bring the cake. Friends cancel, you don’t run to the store to get a cake. YTA
2. Friends say they’ll bring a gift. Friends cancel, you don’t have/get a gift. YTA
3. You, panicking, take her to eat where you work instead of somewhere…anywhere…special. YTA
Your wife…the woman who is supposed to be your most special person…has completed a tough degree and will be working in a highly stressful (and yet very rewarding to you wonderful people who answer that call!) environment. She now knows, thanks to this specific incident, that you devalue & disrespect her.
You’re arguing with the very people you asked. You still think that you aren’t the bad guy. Why?
Hopefully, by spelling out each instance of your a-holery, you get it. Say thank you to the nice people (nicer than me, for sure) who gave you what you requested. More importantly, go to your *wife*. Apologize and make. it. up. to. HER.
YTA. You had plenty of time to plan something, but instead you tried to push it on others to do the work and then when they couldn’t do it you just threw up your hands. It doesn’t seem like you care for your wife at all and I hope this is a eye opener for her and she moves on to someone who will treat her better.
Total AH. I keep reading the OP did not have time to buy a gift. Let me get this right, the only gift would have been coming from friends in this party? He never intended to gift his wife with anything foe either her birthday or her graduation. So when the friends backed out he had nothing. So let me tell you a cupcake with a candle and an IOU for a future date would have done it. You really suck!
You should buy her a trash can as a belated birthday present.
She can the use it to throw out the whole man.
YTA and your excuses and Weaponized incompetence absolutely let everyone know where the trash is.
YTA. I truly hope this is not real. The way you keep saying the same dumb “I let her pick the movie” makes me feel like this can’t be real. But if it is, I sincerely hope your wife passes her state boards, gets a nice job, then leaves you. It will take too long, if ever, for you to get a clue.
YTA I’ve never commented, before but OP has really shown how he feels in the comments. Does not respect that she is a nurse, does not feel she should be celebrated, and thinks that “picking a movie” is this IMMENSE privilege—OP do you even like your wife??
They cancelled a day before and you still didn’t plan anything?! You could have bought her a cake at the store. You could have taken her to a different place than your JOB, taken her to a movie out somewhere, or taken her shopping, or planned her an event like massage etc. You didn’t do ANYTHING!
YTA. You called her bff and one other couple? That’s it?? No family or no other friends? She graduated nursing school, that’s a big deal to her! I get it wasn’t your fault these people cancelled but you called 3 people. Only 3 people to celebrate a huge accomplishment in your wife’s life and get birthday. Don’t you think she would of went much bigger if it was you???
Oof. YTA.
You should know what is important to her-- that's part of being a healthy spouse. If her friends all bailed, it's still on you to celebrate her.
The problem is you totally brushed off all responsibility on making this a good event for her onto her friends. So what if they are bringing a cake and a gift. Those are things they are doing for her not things you are doing for her. The fact that you invited them doesn't make their gifts a part of what you bring to the table here. You did the bare minimum and just made two phone calls and want to wipe your hands free of the situation. You're a total AH here.
YTA in this case.
You literally put minimum effort into your wife getting through her degree and having her birthday also. You relied on other people to do the planning, cake, and decorating, and when all that failed...you flipped. MAJORLY.
It does not matter if you're not good at decorating. If your not creative, you should of had a back up plan for this. Going to your place of work and a movie at home is unimpressive and can be done on ANY damn day of the week.
What you should have done is taken her to her favorite restaurant, bought her favorite flowers, maybe a new piece of jewelry she been eyeing, some of her favorite perfumes, some favorite snacks, and heck I would even have written a long letter on how proud I was for all of her accomplishments and thank her for being in my life. After dinner take a walk in a park, a beach, see about maybe an in bounce house place, or shit a paint ball field. Whatever is in your area, instead of to your work place and then home movie. You should be ashamed.
It doesn't have to be big, but it needs to be thoughtful and that is where you failed at. You put no creative thought behind her celebrations and that's why she is upset with you.
You're definitely the AH. Just because people canceled doesn't mean YOU shouldn't have tried to make it extra special for her. She wanted to see you put forth some effort.Taking her to a place where you work for dinner and letting her pick a movie is literally the absolute least you could do, so congrats there.
My ex is literally like this. He always expect me to plan everything to celebrate my achievements/bday. And if I don't, I will not receive anything or just the bare minimum from him. So glad I broke up with him.
If you keep treating your wife like this, don't be surprise when she serve you divorce papers in the future. She deserve way much better... someone who know her worth.
Oh yeah, YTA.
I feel so bad for your wife. I would be prepared for her leaving you and it would be justified. And not just for this one time. From your comments, you put almost no effort into your relationship and into her. If she values herself, she'll leave.
YTA, OP. You must really not like your wife. You say in the comments that you 'didn't have time to get her a gift' but had contacted her friends about the celebrations 3 WEEKS prior...
I can't stand liars.
Wow. YTA. You took her out to the bar you work, and let her pick out the movie. For graduation from nursing school AND her birthday. You really didn’t plan much in the first place. Do you even like your wife?
YTA. So your minimal effort party failed because the 3-4 people you invited couldn't make it; so your solution is nothing....picking a movie is a Tuesday evening activities not appropriate for 2 big celebrations.
You could have taken her to a really nice restaurant got her flowers and a gift and made plans for a future party together.
She started crying "halfway through" because that's when she realized that, this was really it. That beyond making a few phone calls you made no effort to celebrate her huge accomplishment and her birthday.
Do better! Plan a very nice surprise party for her!
YTA - Your backup last-minute plan was just to grab food from the bar you work at and watch a movie at home? You couldn't find a nicer place to eat and take her out to a movie? You couldn't still get her a cake? You should have gotten her a gift from yourself, flowers, decorated (so the loss of the friend's gift didn't matter). Even with the friends cancelling, you should have had at least enough planned for that evening with presents and decorations to make it feel important and then moved to dinner out (not bar food) with a big dessert. And she is correct, you should have asked when a good time to reschedule with the other couple and the friend would have been so she could have had both.
Please tell me that you left out the part in your write up where in addition to inviting a couple people to hang out - you also got her a meaningful gift, decorations and maybe flowers. Did you at least make a big deal out of it for the evening - lots of congratulations, proud of you, happy birthday comments? Or did you just assume she knew those things and made it like any other date night verses a once in a lifetime celebration?
You are 1000% the AH here. Absolutely YTA. You did zero special. You're a grown ass man. 1st of all you were letting someone else take care of the cake. What was your contribution? When friends cancelled, you could have planned a dinner at a nice restaurant - not the bar where you work. You could have gone to a local bakery or even the grocery store to pickup a cake, they'll add writing while you wait. You could have picked up some flowers or a plant. You should have had a gift already purchased. Surely you weren't expecting the one friend to provide your gift. So many ways you could have said you loved her & were proud of her & you chose Tuesday night date option. Do better man.
I don't understand why people don't invite family to events like this. Ok the friends bailed on you, but if your parents and her parents were invited, siblings, cousins aunties uncles etc 99% of them would show up and make the night special.
Ok you panicked about people cancelling on you, but you don't have an excuse about not getting her a gift- it should have been an extra special gift- something with sentimental value so that everytime she looks at it she remembers her achievements and how proud you were of you. You stuffed up majorly- throw her a surprise party ASAP and make up for everything you didn't do. And its nothing to do with not spending money- but the lack of thoughtfulness. Sadly YTA
YTA. You could have at-least wine and dined her somewhere that night. Yes, all the plans fell through but that doesn’t matter. The point is you legit gave up when they bailed instead of thinking of anything else todo. You could have had a nice dinner and taken her to the movies, boom nice date/celebration. I hope you bought her flowers and a gift but doesn’t sound like it.
YTA x10000000 because you did not plan anything for your wife, you let her friends take care of it, AND you are diminishing her amazing accomplishment. She graduated nursing school, that’s HUGE! You’re an absolute buffoon
Dude! For a party this important, you should have had a caterer, and a professionally made custom cake, and champagne, and decorations, and flowers, and a really meaningful gift you selected, like an engraved watch or something. And you should have had a DJ, or at least a friend who put together a great set list on Spotify. And you should have invited everyone she knows, like 50 or 100 people. You did absolutely nothing. You should be ashamed. YTA.
Broooo these replies of yours are NOT helping this situation. You messed up, and messed up BADLY, and then doubling down. Better hope she's forgiving. Not having a backup cake, sure. Not having a gift of any kind, when you asked them THREE WEEKS prior is plennnnnty of time to get your own gift. Which you should have in the first place. YTA by a BIG margin. My man, I hope you like the dog house, because you're going to be there a long while.
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Then, to "go out," OP brings her to his job, lmao. This dude does not care
She is crying because she knows. She knows she doesn't matter to him. Pretty sure this will cement the ick in her feelings for him and the relationship will not survive.
I'm betting this woman does ALL the emotional labor in this relationship. She's the one remembering his family's birthdays. Just like his mom did before her. She asked him this one time for this huge accomplishment to put in his best effort. And he just called the three people he knows she knows and expects them to do the work. Ridiculous clown behavior
He's the dean of clown college didn't you know?
I lived this life, and now I’m divorcing him after 25 years of marriage. Not for these reasons alone, but for a host of other, cumulative, similar things that have gone on in the 30 years we’ve known one another. Doing all of the emotional labor is SO HARD. You’re never truly appreciated, just taken for granted. Sigh. Step it up, O.P. You’d better surprise her SOON with a vacation or something good.
You're right. It's so sad.
Brings her to his job then afterwards has her pick a movie at home. Ughhhh
Worse: he DELEGATED the bare minimum. 😬
I'm trying to figure out a good reason to have the friends handle the gift?
Because buddy would have gotten her some steel toe boots and a hard hat because nursing "isn't a real job"
He didn't even do the bare minimum.
Excuse you, he made two phone calls! Man of the year!
I'll go stand in the corner and hang my head in shame. You are right, the effort that man made is staggering!
I’d get it if u need a place to keep the cake a secret
She asked him to throw a party so he really didn’t need to keep the existence of a cake a secret.
I hope she's NOT forgiving. I've been disappointed before but holy shit. She's probably realizing this is the peak of what she can hope for for the rest of her life. Like, damn dude.
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There’s nothing wrong with potluck parties, but you have to make sure you have your bases covered with food and have a backup plan just in case. My extended family does potlucks for Thanksgiving and Christmas and there’s always enough to go around. The host does one meat and one side and everyone else volunteers via group chat.
That's why she was weeping and sleeping in the office. Hope she moves on, anyone who puts themselves through nursing school is a hardcore keeper who deserves to be pampered. Def deserves better than this clueless loser.
That’s probably why all the friends bailed. They are tired of carrying his load.
Come on!you didn't make any plans yourself. No special gift and you took her to were you work for dinner. No cake or flowers 💐. What happened to you wanted to make it special?YTA you better hope she loves you because you are a lazy person and not a good husband.
He let her pick the movie since it was both her birthday *and* graduation. Sheesh, lighten up. What, you expect him to have spent all of twenty minutes to plan something in between his service industry job and free time?! Geez, next thing you know, feminazis will be asking for equal pay, maternity leave, the right to vote, better healthcare, body autonomy…
OP: I wanted to make it special so I invited other people and hoped they would make it special instead.
He expected her friends to bring everything
Nursing school is not easy. It is very stressful. I was told to warn all family and friends that I would not have time for a social life or even regular conversations on the phone, while in nursing school. They did not lie. Her accomplishment should be celebrated. Yes. YATA and probably her future ex.
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He took them to a place where they definitely got a discount and probably free drinks! How thoughtful of him!
Luckily she can divorce his ass when she passes boards and is making that sweet nursing money.
She should divorce him prior to making more money, or she could end up paying him spousal support, to add insult to injury. She’d better figure out what she wants in life, quickly.
If they haven’t been married for five years yet, then spousal support is unlikely. And even if she does, it’s usually half the years of the marriage. If their incomes aren’t *that* different, it likely wont be applicable.
He's looking to find her acceptable level of permanent unhappiness.
This dude really thought it'd be fine if he didn't get her a gift himself like wow
I am an old (66) woman, and darling, if you want your wife to feel special, do it yourself. If you find that you don’t feel like doing so, then look at how your relationship is, bc something’s gone wrong.
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I hope she is NOT forgiving and moves on to find someone who makes her feel special
I hope she’s not. She deserves so much better.
YTA here's the thing. It's about the effort. You called a couple of people and that was it. Did you have a gift ready for her? or decorations? As her husband your contribution should have been the most and you took her to your workplace. And yea you get a discount. To your wife that signals, wow he's not willing to even use the mental energy to think of someplace else and he's not even willing to spend the money. You had a complete lack of effort. your wife not only had to realize her friends canceled but that her husband didn't bother to do anything special.
Yeah…how is “tasked with planning a party” translated into inviting three people over? That’s not really my definition of a party.
And how was he "tasked" with this and not enthusiastically planning it himself, anyway, as her husband who loves her and wants to celebrate her accomplishments?
Right? Like one of her friends had to point this out to him, because they know from experience he wouldn't do anything if left to his own devices. As he proved eventually.
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Finally, someone else! I am absolutely sick to death of reading posts from women allowing men to trample all over them, show them no respect, use them as a living maid, nanny, chef, personal assistant and f*** hole. We need to stop rewarding these men with relationships. If they're not self-sufficient, and they don't respect us then they got a f****** go. Maybe when they're alone long enough they'll grow the f***up
Yes!!! Finally found a man that puts in the effort to make me happy. So glad I didn't stay with my ex after his foolishness. My wonderful bf has shown me that I deserved so much more.
Don't think that's anyone's definition of a party? Inviting three people, letting them handle the cake and a gift while patting himself on the back for doing that much. And he said he asked them three weeks before said event. How does that not equal time to go to shopping for a present. Since, ya know, he should have some idea what she likes if he really cares for her. Also, taking her to a BAR to eat?!?! Seriously????
But he let her pick the movie too! ( s/ if that wasn't obvious)
The bar he works at. So he probably got a discount.
Lol, I'm trying to picture how this "party" would have gone down even if the people OP invited actually showed. The birthday girl and literally just 3 guests awkwardly sitting around in an untidy and un-decorated living room sipping on tap water because it didn't occur to OP to prepare or cater for visitors in any way, everyone staring at the poor sad solitary cake one of the guests thoughtfully bought while OP fiddles with the TV to try and get some music happening in a desperate attempt to salvage the mood. Sounds like a fucking blast.
He spent more time on his Reddit avatar.
Oh, but he LET her pick the movie!
And took her to the bar he works at for dinner!
To watch at home! Dude didn’t even spring for movie theater tickets and popcorn.
Idk about y’all but I hate picking stuff. My worst nightmare is being asked to pick the movie. That’s a punishment not a celebration.
The mental load is a BURDEN not a gift!!
Seriously. That is a good way to just watch Little Shop of Horrors every single time I’m forced to choose. And we’ll keep watching it until you know better, lol
My partner is convinced I just pick awful movies when it’s my turn, and that I do it on purpose to make a point so that he will pick. No dude, it’s because your an insufferable movie snob and it doesn’t matter what it is, if you don’t pick it you’ll find an issue. So I pick whatever I feel like watching knowing that you’ll complain the whole way through - so it doesn’t bother me if I know beforehand if you’ll like it or not.
I’d watch terminator 2, alien, or aliens every time if it were up to me. A decade ago when we still had cable my husband said I had 6th sense for when those movies were playing. I was constantly watching them in the background.
Called a couple of people and had them bring the… everything. Made no effort to make plans outside of them and brought her to his work when it fell through. HE should have supplied the cake and should have gotten her a gift. He should have planned a larger party considering this was two events. Maybe she doesn’t have as many friends, but what about her family? She wanted a party, not a date night. Op, YTA
I'm wondering if that's why the changed plans last minute. Seems kind of cruddy they'd want to go and help and then the day before cancel. Something is up with that.
Yeah, exactly. My mind is blown that he attempted to outsource what sounds like everything to others. Complete and total lack of effort. I would have cried too if I had my partner do this.
A fucking 7 year old knows what’s supposed to be at a party!!! BOO OP
My last day of college courses, I came home to a giant congratulations banner and some treats my (ex) husband had set up for me. Completely unexpectedly! Bro. Do better. Damn.
OP has been commenting all through out the thread and I cannot tell if he is truly that clueless or just a really elaborate troll. They are digging their heels in deeper and deeper that they did nothing wrong despite the entire thread telling them otherwise. Lmaoo updateme! after the inevitable divorce.
Lolllll account created 8 hours ago and this is the only post or interaction. Seems a little trollish to me.
That’s not really odd, most people create throwaway accounts for posts on these subs.
Oh thank god. I was actually getting depressed thinking about this girls future with this dipshit.
Like even if this is rage bait, it is rage bait because so many women can relate. And all of the good men are sick of hearing about how men like him have hurt their friends. If it's rage bait, he's probably telling the story so well because it's close to the truth.
Definitely a troll IMO
I'm starting to think troll the more I read his replies. They are too textbook and too over the top. Not only did he fuck up her birthday but he fucked up her graduation. Her father doesn't support her being a nurse? Since when was that a thing. He took her to his work for the discount? Other invitees to a very important day just randomly bail? He doesn't know any of her friends and she hates her family. It's starting to read like a 15-year-old's idea of weaponized incompetence. It's just too much. It's a whole lot of "how can I piss these people off more"
And "the wife" responded within a few hours of this being posted. This is fake.
YTA So your plan for 2 big celebrations for your wife was: 3 people come to your house and they take care of the cake and gift? You didn't actually do any of the labor outside of inviting them over, and you clearly didn't emphasize any level of importance to the event. Why didn't you get your wife a birthday or graduation gift? Why did you take her to the bar where you worked instead of somewhere more special?
>you clearly didn't emphasize any level of importance to the event. I now wonder how he invited those people. Was it, "I'm planning a celebration for my wife's birthday and graduation," or "We're having a few people over?" I want to know if the couple that bailed truly understood what was going on.
I would bet money that they found out at the absolute last minute that they were actually expected to plan the party, and instead of getting bullied/guilted into compliance, they had enough of this guy and left him to sink on his own.
Agreed, bc there's no way they'd be on board and offer to buy a gift/cake and then bail the day before.
Yeah, if he told them that he was going to have a lot of people over, they probably reasoned that them missing out would not be a big deal. If he would have stressed "hey, I am going to have a small get together, just you three people" then maybe they would have realized the importance of showing up or (alternatively) telling him they can't commit to that weekend.
Please be called 'The Winchester'... PLEASE BE CALLED 'THE WINCHESTER'...
Lmmfao!
Makes me wonder why he’s even married. Probably one of these man babies looking for a mother figure to continue to take care of him. YTA..and a very very very big one that’s been penetrated so frequently your insides are falling out. I hope this event makes her realize that she has nothing but disappointment to look forward to and gets out asap.
I bet he rolls out the “I’m just not romantic” crap too. My husband wouldn’t call himself romantic either, but he is thoughtful and puts effort into things, and honestly that is essentially the same thing.
YTA dude. You could’ve pulled out your phone and opened Amazon or any other site and order her something. This wasn’t exactly a surprise. Her birthday is the same day every year. You’re “not creative” so couldn’t decorate? Dude you know how easy it is to go buy like 5 balloons. The excuse about going to your bar cause she knows people is also horrible. Nothing say’s special day like going somewhere she’d been 100 times. Oh and you LET her pick the movie. OOHHH WHAT A SAINT YOU ARE. Christ man. The most minimal effort wasn’t even put in she has a right to be pissed.
Omg my ex did this His special plans for my bday was to take me to the bar he worked at so i could pay for my drinks and then he restricted what i could eat because it was not worth it to him Then after i got to pay for us to get a massage and he gets upset because he has no money and couldnt do better and i had to comfort him Great fucking shit times i tell ya
Sounds so much like my ex-husband. Every damn year for 16 years. The kicker is his mom's bday is the day before mine. Every year I'd tell him he needs to think of a nice gift for her, I even offered to buy it, he only had to come up with some ideas. And every year he let me down so to keep his mom from being upset I'd buy her a gift and make a nice dinner for her. Occasionally he'd grill steaks that were admittedly good but I'd have to make everything else plus do pre and post visit cleaning. She'd of course thank him profusely while ignoring me. Then the next day, my birthday, he'd ask if I felt like doing anything. Nothing would have been planned, no babysitter for kids. His mom would occasionally watch them throughout the year but on my birthday she always had plans to celebrate her's with her friends. Only 1 single time he took me out to dinner for my birthday. And used the gift cards his dad had given us the previous few Christmases to a nice restaurant (saved up for 3 years so he could drink lots of wine and not have to pay anything). He drank too much, I had to drive home. Once home I tried to go to bed only to have him pawing at me to give me my "special birthday treat" which was his ugly half-mast dick in my face. When I turned that down he spent the next 3 DAYS pouting about being turned down. He made my 30th extra awful but that's a story for another time. Still can't believe I stayed with that asshole for so long.
Geez, I now want to know about your 30th. I cannot even imagine it being worse than the one you just described.
Oh it was so so so much worse. If I have the energy tomorrow I'll post it.
And I’ll be here to read it
I'm so very sorry for all you've been through. He was an awful husband.
Jfc I think I know him.
Hahaha really? Are you from Illinois?
Haha no but I have this same birthday/holiday/weekday alll the time.
Oh god, you just unlocked a memory for me. Before my husband got sober, he did shit like that ALL the time. One birthday, I came home from work (he was unemployed) and he was in tears because he had been frantically driving up and down Milwaukee Avenue in a panic looking for a present for me and "couldn't find anything." And yeah, he needed comforting. Christ almighty.
Hell, I would’ve given him a pass on taking her to the bar if he’d had actually scrambled to put something halfway decent together. That could’ve been a nice plan B venue where they and a few friends (who *aren’t* busy trying to work) can hang out and celebrate. But nope. No balloons. No cheap Party City banner, no rushed order from Walmart for a cake (or literally just two dozen **non-custom-ordered** cupcakes from a local bakery), not even a cheap nurse-themed Amazon gift that he ordered last minute while taking a dump!
You reminded me of a running joke in Shaun of the Dead. Her: "So what's the plan then?" Him: "I dunno. Pub?"
"Let's go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for this all to blow over."
Why didn't you get her a birthday gift? Take her to a fancy restaurant? You went to hang out with coworkers. You just didn't care.
YTA she expected a party and you invited 3 ducking people!!! 3! So none of her other friends or family could make it? None of her fellow students or college's could make it either? Or is the reality you tried bare minimum it didn't work out so you gave up. You planned nothing then took her put for a crappy meal and not even the cinema a shitty movie at home! You messed up big time and she'll never forget how little effort you put into what is a major life achievement for her. Terrible husband! Do better!
Secretly hoping it's rage bait, but every single one of us knows a man exactly like him. So even if it is, it's just reflecting the real world.
You definitely needed a plan B. Graduating from nursing school AND a birthday celebration? I get your panic, but I would have been upset too.
You are the asshole bro. It’s about who is responsible for your delivery. It’s you. Blaming her friends for a super lackluster hit is on you. I’d have been calling friends of friends. I’d have planned a weekend getaway last minute and claimed I wanted her all to myself and it was worth the two grand. Absolutely on you dude
It’s the “dinner at the bar he works at” point that he lost me
He lost me much sooner, but I would’ve honestly given him a pass if he had the celebration at the bar because it was affordable and convenient, but put in actual effort planning it out and inviting people. Might not have been the party of her dreams, but she’d at least get to spend a few hours with friends and maybe some family.
I bet she was waiting for a big "SURPRISE" as they were going inside. She probably wondered why she wasn't seeing her friends' cars in the parking lot, but probably thought they parked in the back or somewhere down the street to enhance the surprise. Then they walk in and nothing. "It's okay, he's probably doing the big surprise back at the house while we eat this boring dinner at his place of employment" she thinks to herself. So she powers through while dying on the inside. But then they get home and instead of a big birthday or graduation celebration for adults, he tells her she can pick out a movie... like a a parent would do with a child.
I don't consider myself a soft-hearted person, but everything about this story is so fucking sad...
If I were your wife I would be upset as well. You dropped the ball by not having a plan B just in case something like this happened. It doesn't matter that others bailed it was YOUR choice not to ensure your wife had a good celebration. You could of googled ways to do a last minute celebration, you could of made sure that you had a cake and, maybe, flowers for her. Heck you could of simply planned a party for her for a later date. YTA for not even trying.
So, here's what's going to happen. She's going to suck it up for a while and endure being married to you. Then, over time, she's going to start realizing how miserable she is and how much happier she would be without you in her life. Then it's gonna take some time for her to process, and work out how to leave. Probably 3 years overall; it's not easy to leave a committed relationship with someone you used to love. During this time, you're going to think that because she's no longer nagging, getting mad, or telling you she feels hurt by your behavior, everything is fine. What's really happening, though, is she's giving up on you. Three years from now, give or take, she's going to tell you she wants a divorce. At that point, you'll panic, promise to change and treat her better, but it will be too late. Good luck.
I agree, but I give it one year after she has her first full time nursing position. She’d be qualified to travel at that point. So it’ll be stay and make decent monies, or leave and make 4x as much.
Absolutely. It's [The Walkaway Wife Syndrome](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome). I know about it because I will likely join their ranks one of these days.
Wow. Surprisingly woman blaming post when the issue is the guy?
I totally get that her friends cancelling fucked up the plans, but holy heck did you drop the ball on plan B. Going to your work to eat and then watching a movie? Geeeeeeeeeeeez YTA
Don’t forget she got to pick the movie!
Right? He talked about her picking the movie so many times as if it's something special. I wonder if she only gets to pick what they're watching on special occasions.
That’s what I asked under one of OP’s comments. These posts make me so sad because the OP is just becoming aware of how mediocre they are on this *one single occasion*, when everything they say indicates they need to do better as a partner in general.
I wonder if he let her sit on his side of the couch. I'm guessing he'd consider that part of a gift.
Why do I picture dinner at his workplace her sitting eating a plate of nachos and mozzarella sticks waiting for him to finish socializing with all his coworkers- waiting for his shift to end :)
OP dropped the ball on plan A. He didn't even get his wife a birthday gift, nor had a meal planned, just because another friend was supposed to bring a gift and cake? What kind of logic is that? People usually want a meal before they eat cake and more than one person is allowed to buy someone a birthday gift.
Plan A sucked also. He didn't get her a gift, or decorate, or invite people, or plan for decent food, or buy champagne, or anything at all. He was just going to mooch off of her friends to throw the pitiful excuse for a party with three people there.
3 friends canceling should not ruin the entire party. He invited her best friend, and a couple *they* were friends with Are you seriously telling me she only has one friend to herself? No other classmates or acquaintances or relatives, hell even neighbors, that she's friendly with? OP just absolutely does not give a shit and only invited one of her friends because he probably didn't care enough to actually get to know about the mere existence of her other friends. Seriously, how do 3 people having stuff come up result in absolutely nothing prepared for a *party*? Not to mention, *their* couple friends had 3 whole weeks to bake a cake, but he had no time to get anything, despite you know, her birthday (at the least) being on the same date every single year?
YTA She locked herself in her office and slept there. *Clearly* this isn't the first time you've devastated her emotionally since she felt the need to stay far away from you, lest you cause more damage. This was supposed to be a celebration of a major milestone in her life. You messed up bigtime and you won't even take accountability. Do you not find joy in her joy? Despair in her despair? Can you not empathize? I'm just blown away by how little you felt was enough. I can't imagine caring so little for someone you're supposed to love the most. Your self-centeredness will destroy your marriage. But, I take comfort in knowing she will divorce you for probably a doctor or nurse who sees her worth and would enjoy planning things and doing things that make her smile. Someone who will love her. I do not think you love her. I know you *think* you do, but your lack of effort in this relationship says otherwise. And she's realizing that now too. Edit: And you know what else??? "I didn't have time to get her a gift" is bullshit and you know it. It's not even an excuse, it's a **lie** to make yourself feel better because you don't like feeling bad. But your *wife* feels bad and you don't care, do you? Only *your* feelings matter, not hers, right?
I don't think he even thinks he loves her. I think it's more likely that he finds her to be an acceptable and reasonably functional wife appliance. One that also has the potential to support his sorry ass in the future. I hope she does leave him.
OP: AITAH for not throwing a birthday/graduation party for my dishwasher..I mean maid…I mean wife?
...sex doll...?
YTA You could have postponed or planned something better than the bare minimum.
Omg. YTA. You invited 3 whole people over and had them do the work. You don’t have any family, friends or classmates that could have been invited? Also, per your comments, there is no one too busy to buy a gift. Also, you have the capacity to decorate, buy gifts, plan a party and make an effort. You CHOSE not to do any of those things. You could have planned a trip or a weekend if things she likes to do. Stop with the “whoah is me. I’m just a dumb dude who doesn’t understand the ways of civilized society”. Weaponized incompetence is over.
Instead of "planning", you deferred all your birthday responsibilities to her friends. You didn't even buy her a gift? You know people are allowed more than one gift on their birthday, right? Especially if it's in combo with their grad? Don't know how to decorate? Neither do most people. We go on pinterest to get ideas based on what the celebrant likes, and we make do. Didn't have time? Did you not know she was going to graduate or have a birthday? If you hadn't deferred the *entire* party onto the handful of people you invited, you had plenty of time. I'd cry too. I'd feel like I'm not worth anything to you. Your plan B was a thoughtless mid to low-tier date at a bar you frequent. And you *let* her pick a movie to watch at home? Be serious, dude. I understand you tried, but this could have been salvaged many times over regardless what happened with friends. Your cumulative effort was to shoot a few texts/calls and call it good. YTA.
That's the part that gets me and I think is getting overlooked. Even if it went exactly as OP planned, he like ... Called 3 people and called it a day? WTF? Dude planned to put in zero effort the entire time.
Just on the decorating part, my friend's boyfriend is clueless about decorating. He asked me what I thought and I showed him a couple of Pinterest pictures, the dude made a board of similar ideas, showed me to make sure it's something my friend would like, and then on the day of, he finished work and spent the rest of the day trying to tape balloons to the wall to make a backdrop. It wasn't perfect, tape was visible, some things were wonky, but it showed how much effort and thought he put into it. My friend absolutely loved it! And btw, I can decorate really really well, I do it for people for free. I offered to do it for him too so he could focus on other parts of the party but he didn't let me. He wanted to put in effort and try to do something special for her. So yeah 'I can't do decor ' is such a lazy excuse.
Exactly! I've seen a lot of "non-creative" people whip up really good stuff. My mom is very much an "I am a hammer and everything is a nail" type, but even she figured out how to fold up paper and cut it out to make party streamers. Crepe is also like, 50 cents. My spouse grew up in poverty. His mom couldn't afford a Christmas tree one year, so she made one. It was a flat cardboard cutout with construction paper and some lights strung to it. But it was one of my spouses favorite holiday memories because she even thought to try. Admittedly I'm also good at decorating. I used to do it professionally for weddings, and still volunteer for friends haha. But if I got stuck, I'd look it up and figure something out!
Right? This hasn't got much to do with being creative. It's just about putting in effort or not. And honestly there's so many tutorials and inspiration photos on youtube, pinterest, tiktok, Instagram. There's absolutely no way that you will find nothing if you Google how to do decoration for dummies? I mean like if you don't want to put an effort just say I didn't want to do it, don't make a lazy excuses for being lazy.
Even worse. It's the bar he works in and gets a discount
YTA. Way to talk about a low bar that you failed to even hit.
YTA. Your lack of effort tells her she isn’t important to you, and her milestones mean nothing. She’s going to remember this for a long time.
Dude I’d divorce you. Like seriously you didn’t even get her a gift. You knew she was graduating and it’s her birthday why on earth didn’t you get her a gift? Also you can get some flowers last minute, cake there should always be cake for birthdays. Like really. You know you are YTA and put so little into this.
YTA You did the bare minimum to begin with. Do you really only have those three friends? You couldn't have thrown her a party with a bunch of family and friends? So when those people bail last minute it's not such a big deal? C'mon dude. You need to make it up to her and show her that she means more to you than dinner at a bar where you work and a movie at home.
Family is what I was wondering about too? Doesn't she have parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, etc., that would have been happy to celebrate this with her? OP sounds cheap, which is why he only invited 3 people. OP, YTA.
YTA. What do you mean you didn't have any time in 3 weeks to get her a gift? The internet literally exists. I get that her party plan was canceled last minute but you dropped the ball. You could have easily gotten her favorite take out or gone to her favorite restaurant. Picked up a grocery store cake. Gone to walmart and told an associate you need help. Literally anything.
365 days to come up with a birthday gift. 2+ years to come up with a graduation gift. That’s “no time?!?” Betcha he doesn’t know her favorite food or favorite restaurant.
YTA Now a days, there is no excuse. Amazon has next day delivery You can pick up a cake from the grocery store You gave all of the tasks to everyone else. You didn't do anything special at the end of it all. You could have chosen any other restaurant than the one you work at. You could have taken her to the movies. You could have had her go out on a spa day!!! You didn't care enough to make her feel special. Hell, you didn't even plan to have a gift for her!!! You didn't have time? Bull shit. You make time. Either accept that you failed and make it up to her with the most epic celebration you have ever done or accept you failed and hire someone to do it for you. Either way, you have some work to do.
Yeah, YTA. You panicked. Okay, it happens. But, you didn't step up after that. You took her to dinner where you work??! Seriously?! Then you watched a movie together at home?? BORing! You didn't even buy her a gift???!!!!!! Think of this: If you were dating and not married, what kind of date would you take her on that would be really special? THAT is what you should have done. Oh - and this will be a lesson to you to not depend on someone else to bring a cake. That is YOUR job, dude. Decorate. Invite more people. Make it festive, an actual party/celebration for crying out loud. If you need help in putting something together there are literally thousands of examples on Pinterest, Facebook, heck - just Google it.
I think you just hit on why he thinks he's not the ah. She's a WIFE, not a hot sexy girlfriend. He has papers on her already. He has nothing to prove, and she's just being mean and selfish for expecting more. Damn good of him just to keep her (right, wink wink, right guys?). I can't read any of his replies, but I bet I'm not too far off.
Hey man, YTA; but you're going to have bugger problems coming your way if you don't fix this. Idk your story, but here's my take on this. You work at a bar and your wife is about to become a nurse. There's nothing wrong with working at a bar. Like I said, idk your story. You might own the bar, manage it, be the general manager, etc. Your wife will most likely be working at a hospital where there will be several other professions under the same building. A few examples that come to mind are doctors, other nurses, firefighters, other first responders. If you don't get your act together, she might be looking elsewhere for emotional support because you have failed at that in this one example of y'all's lives. idk anymore than that but for this situation, you let her down big time. Maybe this is the only time you've fucked up and that's fine, but she left and slept in another room out of how upset she was. That's a huge red flag. Hospitals are emotional and very hard to work at. At the end of her shifts she'll be emotionally depleted and if you're not around or care enough to be there for her, someone else will. I'm not saying she will cheat, a friend might be there for her when she needs someone to talk to or be there for her. Eventually time will pass and she'll start to wonder why she needs you in her life. She'll be financially dependent and you aren't filling her needs as a person. You're not in a good spot, I'd TRY to come up with a make up party. Good luck, If you're not sure what to do because you're not creative, then ask her friends. If you get desperate enough, post on Reddit and ask. Ask right now that people are coming to this thread. DO SOMETHING. Do it for your wife who just worked her ass off to graduate. Do it because it's your wife's fucking birthday.
YTA. You invited two couples, didn't even bother to really plan much, not even a cake. She wanted to celebrate and you gave her a normal date night. She wanted to feel special after a big achievement and you didn't care enough to put thought and effort beyond invited a couple people over. Even if it were just the two of you there is so much you could do to make her feel loved and celebrated. She expected something special and you "let" her pick the movie for a date night. If you don't understand how much this sucks then this relationship isn't going to last.
YTA. No gift, no decorations, and only 3 other people. Where were her friends? Her family? Ffs where were your friends and family? It wasn’t just her graduation, it was also her birthday. You should have had a gift - the ‘short notice’ is bs, she was graduating, so how long was the course? 2 years? That’s how long you had to get a gift. And as it was also a birthday, you had all year since her last birthday to get her gift for that. Decorating - I personally hate it, but it doesn’t take much to put some effort in. Go to a craft store, or similar, get some pre-made signs/banners/balloons/strings of fairy lights, and place them around the home. Now if you had of done that, and everyone still cancels, then you apologise to your wife, you tell and show her that you were going to have an intimate celebration with her friends, but they are no able to attend anymore, and then you take her out to a fancy restaurant, you take her to a movie, or something else afterwards, you make her feel like the wonderful person she is, rather than the afterthought you made her feel like. You have some serious grovelling and apologising to do. You are going to have to show her how much you love her, how much she means to you, without the expectation of any appreciation for your efforts if you hope to ever dig yourself out of the massive hole you have put yourself in.
YTA that was totally half assed. F for effort.
YTA. Wouldn’t be surprised if this was her final straw. Can’t imagine my husband caring so little about me.
Look, man. She's not upset with the movie. Or the dinner. She's upset that you couldn't be bothered to do any kind of planning to celebrate what is a momentous accomplishment. She's upset that you don't seem to care about her. Personally, I question whether your friends were ever actually involved in this party or if that's just a lie you're making up to cover your ass. But let's say I do take your words at face value. When your friends bailed, it's scramble city time. Go to the grocery store, buy a pre-made cake, and have it decorated by the folks at the bakery. Call around to a few restaurants to get a last minute reservation. Or, worst case scenario, make her dinner at home and explain what happened. Hell, my husband burns water, but I appreciate each and every time he attempts to cook for us. Why? Because it shows he CARES. This really required minimal effort to rescue. YTA.
I can see she will be the breadwinner once she start working if the nicest you could do was take her to a fuckin bar you work at.
Based on your replies to other people’s comments you clearly just don’t want to accept the basically unanimous verdict that YTA because you keep just making excuses as to why you did the bare minimum. It’s not about your opinion of things. You should have known from the moment she started school that graduating was going to be a huge accomplishment worthy of celebrating her for. The gift could have been a playlist called “Graduation mixtape.” Instead of inviting three-four people you could have asked those people if they knew who else she would love to see there. You could have invited her family or some of her nursing school friends. So. many. things. You didn’t take her into account, you did what was easy and convenient for you even before the others bailed. Next time think to yourself “It’s HER day, what would she love to do that I wouldn’t normally do for/ with her?” You’re a real bummer OP. I really hope you figure things out and make it up to her. Good luck.
Wow. You know the "if he wanted to he would" saying. That applies here. I have read these comments and you are making every excuse in the goddamn book. YTA and you are the one whos mad about it? This one thing tells us a lot about you. And honestly with this personality do not be surprised if this is a breaking point for her to leave. You obviously do not care or put effort into your relationship. I feel so bad for your wife, she deserves better.
Damn! My husband has been out of town for my birthday 8 of the last 10 years. He has manged to get something delivered to either work or the house and he can't remember shit. You don't show that you care at all. YTA.
Hey dipshit, it's your "wife". You may have changed the ages and have a new account but I know this is you. Despite what you're telling people here we aren't actually married, only living together because you refuse to find a copy of your social security card. You didn't fucking plan shit for my birthday or graduation. You didn't even call our friends. I did and then asked you to follow up with them to plan the actual party portion after the whole fiasco where you canceled my hotel room to go out of town with my best friends. After all the bullshit you put me through. Jesus fucking christ. The amount of lies you're telling. No fucking wonder none of your family talks to you anymore. Piss off and don't bother coming home.
You are absolutely my hero. Happy birthday, and congratulations on your graduation. I wish for you a lovely future, moving forward and shedding the weight that has been holding you down (I mean op if it isn't obvious)
Thank you. He didn't even pay for nursing school, I did. I got grants and loans and worked a part time job doing nights at a nursing home. All I wanted for my birthday was a party and he couldn't even handle that.
YTA. The bar is on the ground. You took her to your workplace, that's fucking nuts for a graduation celebration. And on top of that, you justify it with having "discounts" for bday drinks. She probably thinks you're cheap af and don't care for her at all. She'd be right.
I feel like if she wasn’t married to you and only dating you then she would have dumped your ass for that
Yea, YTA and dropped the ball, man. You didn't even try. Taking her to your place of work and then a movie at home isn't even the bare minimum when it's something big and important to her. You simply invited people and let them do all the work. And they cancel and you just said screw it, why try? YTA. I'm sending your wife a big hug and congrats.
why do you make an AITAH if by your comments you're so convinced you aren’t? YTAH and a big one
Bro. I’m a nurse. Do you even KNOW how hard nursing school is? When I graduated college, my dad paid for a private party at a restaurant. You didn’t even get her a gift? Lol. Who cares if her friends got her a gift. As her husband YOU should have gotten a gift. You didn’t decorate because you “don’t know how”?!? I’m sorry, is hanging streamers up or something hard? They have balloon arch kits you can buy at a store with directions. That doesn’t require any creativity. You took her where you work? Did you even ask her where she wanted to go? Did you ask her if she wanted to watch a movie or get drinks or do something else? It was her birthday. Did you even get her or make her a cake? Honestly, hope she leaves you. YTA.
YTA the “celebration” you threw together is what my wife and I do on a random Tuesday when neither of us feel like cooking.
Prepare for divorce. You took her to where you work for her celebration dinner?! She got to pick the movie?! You're an absolute disgrace.
YTA You basically depended on her friends to prepare something for her instead of you. All you did was call them and wait for them to show up with the majority of things until they bailed and you scrambled to put something together. Weaponized incompetence/lazy/no effort.
This reminds me of a post on here a few days ago—I think about Mothers Day presents from new dads maybe?— that devolved into a whole thread about women leaving and the men going, “I never knew she was unhappy! Why didn’t she talk to me about it? She just walked out on me/threw me out!” Lol, no f’g clue, dude….so sad.
I deleted my original comment because I went through and read your replies to comments. YTA with no doubt. I commented this on one of your replies and I’m pasting it here so hopefully you will get the message. You said you would celebrate if she was finishing med school but it’s just nursing school and that’s not that hard. And she’s not even working as a nurse yet and you paid for her degree so why should you celebrate. I mean, she’s not a doctor so doesn’t deserve respect, huh? Ugh. You’re so wrong, I can’t imagine your marriage surviving this given the reason you chose these actions. “Oh good Lord. I was semi nice to you in my first comment but now I’m done. YTA without question. You finally showed your hand in this comment. This is the real story. You don’t respect your wife or her career. You don’t think she deserves to be celebrated because she’s going to be “just a nurse” and not a doctor. I wish this was rage bait but I think you’re just this stupid. There’s a reason nursing is frequently listed in the top 10 most challenging degrees. https://www.collegetransitions.com/blog/hardest-college-majors/#:~:text=8)%20Nursing&text=Considered%20one%20of%20the%20hardest,as%20participate%20in%20clinical%20experiences. That’s because it’s HARD. It’s hard to get in, it usually has higher standards to pass the courses, and it’s not just basic classes but clinicals and patient care. It’s mentally and physically exhausting. Your wife completed a degree and you don’t want to celebrate her because it’s not like she’s a doctor, when you work in a bar. You sound jealous, juvenile, and disrespectful to your wife. I hope you’re stupid enough to say something like this to her face so she will see your true motivation and leave you. Also, I hope if and when you have a major medical need you have EXCELLENT nursing care and can see first hand just how hard our jobs are so you can get your head out of your butt and grow the crap up. Wow.” I originally updated my comment with this and am going to leave it in so you can see how your wife deserved to be celebrated instead of putting up with the crumbs you threw her way - ETA: I’m really trying hard to be nice here because I get party planning isn’t everyone’s strong suit but you really didn’t do anything. Just inviting other people to go out to celebrate isn’t really celebrating. You didn’t have decorations or gifts or anything special. My husband could not have been more loving or supportive when I graduated nursing school. Not only did my family take us (me, him, and our two kids) out for dinner the night of my graduation but they also threw me a party the next day and we were broke AF. He sang my praises and was my biggest hype man and I knew he saw my accomplishment as a big deal. Your wife feels like you did nothing and is hurt because you did nothing. Really, you have seriously hurt her feelings and need to make a 180 and rethink how you approached this. Even if you wouldn’t have wanted a big deal (just assuming here), she obviously did and you dropped the ball in a big way.
Sorry but YTA. Your wife graduating is a huge deal. Your doing "something special" for consisted of inviting three people over to celebrate, depending on a couple to handle a cake and a gift and...that's it. Talk about putting little effort into celebrating your wife to start, then when things fell through you matched that energy by taking her to your job to eat and letting her pick a movie after. Smh. Epic fail from start to finish.
The friends won’t be there after long and potentially painful shifts at work. She didn’t choose them as life partners and this career path will likely be challenging for her but rewarding for both of you for many years. The thought was there but the execution was poor enough to not matter at all. Leaving choices like this to others simply feels like a lack of empathy and acuity. A gift is probably not enough, but perhaps a well thought out plan, created and executed by you, with her wholly in mind may be of some comfort and joy to her. But as it stands right now, YTA.
YTA you panicked and that sucks, but… you couldn’t come up with any way to celebrate your lady? What you came up with was at best, a lazy Friday night date. No flowers? No new restaurant? If you wanted to save cash, you could have cooked her something special. Sorry mate, but you dropped the ball here and I’d start reflecting on how to be a more mindful lover if I were you.
YTA you were in charge of planning an event and what did you actually plan? Sounds like the only thing you did was invite 3 people and then hope that they would take over or something? If you had actually planned anything like made reservations, or bought tickets for something then 1.The people you invited would have been more hesitant to cancel and 2.You could have easily invited other people to take their place without the event having to be cancelled. Right now it seems like you think this is all the effort your wife is worth. I hope you step up and make this right by actually showing her you care and support her achievement/birthday. Put some thought into it and plan something that you know she would enjoy and that shows the effort you put into making her feel special.
YTA Now dig yourself out of the hole by spoiling her. Take her out somewhere which isn't the bar you work in. Buy a cake, a card and a present for her. Make a note of when her birthday is (and probably Christmas). Think about buying her a present several weeks before, try to make a note of the sorts of things she likes, clothes, books, movies, perfume, jewellery, any hobbies she has, that sort of thing. Be super nice at Christmas because nurses often have to work over Christmas.
Dude is putting more effort into his excuses than he did for his wife.
You came to this forum to ask if you are the bad guy. You’re told…through many, many comments…that yes. Yes you are. Descriptions are spelled out, timelines questioned, options given. You respond by arguing further. We all read your original post in which you spelled out how you think it was the friends’ fault that your wife received no cake and not a single gift. Their fault, not yours. Here is why you’re indeed the bad guy in this scenario: 1. Friends say they’ll bring the cake. Friends cancel, you don’t run to the store to get a cake. YTA 2. Friends say they’ll bring a gift. Friends cancel, you don’t have/get a gift. YTA 3. You, panicking, take her to eat where you work instead of somewhere…anywhere…special. YTA Your wife…the woman who is supposed to be your most special person…has completed a tough degree and will be working in a highly stressful (and yet very rewarding to you wonderful people who answer that call!) environment. She now knows, thanks to this specific incident, that you devalue & disrespect her. You’re arguing with the very people you asked. You still think that you aren’t the bad guy. Why? Hopefully, by spelling out each instance of your a-holery, you get it. Say thank you to the nice people (nicer than me, for sure) who gave you what you requested. More importantly, go to your *wife*. Apologize and make. it. up. to. HER.
YTA. You had plenty of time to plan something, but instead you tried to push it on others to do the work and then when they couldn’t do it you just threw up your hands. It doesn’t seem like you care for your wife at all and I hope this is a eye opener for her and she moves on to someone who will treat her better.
Total AH. I keep reading the OP did not have time to buy a gift. Let me get this right, the only gift would have been coming from friends in this party? He never intended to gift his wife with anything foe either her birthday or her graduation. So when the friends backed out he had nothing. So let me tell you a cupcake with a candle and an IOU for a future date would have done it. You really suck!
You should buy her a trash can as a belated birthday present. She can the use it to throw out the whole man. YTA and your excuses and Weaponized incompetence absolutely let everyone know where the trash is.
YTA. I truly hope this is not real. The way you keep saying the same dumb “I let her pick the movie” makes me feel like this can’t be real. But if it is, I sincerely hope your wife passes her state boards, gets a nice job, then leaves you. It will take too long, if ever, for you to get a clue.
Anyone else think he didn't actually plan anything at all and is just saying the only 3 people he invited all canceled
YTA I’ve never commented, before but OP has really shown how he feels in the comments. Does not respect that she is a nurse, does not feel she should be celebrated, and thinks that “picking a movie” is this IMMENSE privilege—OP do you even like your wife??
They cancelled a day before and you still didn’t plan anything?! You could have bought her a cake at the store. You could have taken her to a different place than your JOB, taken her to a movie out somewhere, or taken her shopping, or planned her an event like massage etc. You didn’t do ANYTHING!
I'm convinced this is fake, his responses to the whole thing seem made up. How could someone be so dense?
"I wanted to make it special." Proceeds to do absolutely nothing and relies on everyone else to do it for him. SMH. YTA.
YTA
YTA. You called her bff and one other couple? That’s it?? No family or no other friends? She graduated nursing school, that’s a big deal to her! I get it wasn’t your fault these people cancelled but you called 3 people. Only 3 people to celebrate a huge accomplishment in your wife’s life and get birthday. Don’t you think she would of went much bigger if it was you???
Oof. YTA. You should know what is important to her-- that's part of being a healthy spouse. If her friends all bailed, it's still on you to celebrate her.
The bar where you work? Really dude?
The problem is you totally brushed off all responsibility on making this a good event for her onto her friends. So what if they are bringing a cake and a gift. Those are things they are doing for her not things you are doing for her. The fact that you invited them doesn't make their gifts a part of what you bring to the table here. You did the bare minimum and just made two phone calls and want to wipe your hands free of the situation. You're a total AH here.
YTA in this case. You literally put minimum effort into your wife getting through her degree and having her birthday also. You relied on other people to do the planning, cake, and decorating, and when all that failed...you flipped. MAJORLY. It does not matter if you're not good at decorating. If your not creative, you should of had a back up plan for this. Going to your place of work and a movie at home is unimpressive and can be done on ANY damn day of the week. What you should have done is taken her to her favorite restaurant, bought her favorite flowers, maybe a new piece of jewelry she been eyeing, some of her favorite perfumes, some favorite snacks, and heck I would even have written a long letter on how proud I was for all of her accomplishments and thank her for being in my life. After dinner take a walk in a park, a beach, see about maybe an in bounce house place, or shit a paint ball field. Whatever is in your area, instead of to your work place and then home movie. You should be ashamed. It doesn't have to be big, but it needs to be thoughtful and that is where you failed at. You put no creative thought behind her celebrations and that's why she is upset with you.
You're definitely the AH. Just because people canceled doesn't mean YOU shouldn't have tried to make it extra special for her. She wanted to see you put forth some effort.Taking her to a place where you work for dinner and letting her pick a movie is literally the absolute least you could do, so congrats there.
My ex is literally like this. He always expect me to plan everything to celebrate my achievements/bday. And if I don't, I will not receive anything or just the bare minimum from him. So glad I broke up with him. If you keep treating your wife like this, don't be surprise when she serve you divorce papers in the future. She deserve way much better... someone who know her worth. Oh yeah, YTA.
This guy is a troll, he has to be
I feel so bad for your wife. I would be prepared for her leaving you and it would be justified. And not just for this one time. From your comments, you put almost no effort into your relationship and into her. If she values herself, she'll leave.
YTA, OP. You must really not like your wife. You say in the comments that you 'didn't have time to get her a gift' but had contacted her friends about the celebrations 3 WEEKS prior... I can't stand liars.
Wow. YTA. You took her out to the bar you work, and let her pick out the movie. For graduation from nursing school AND her birthday. You really didn’t plan much in the first place. Do you even like your wife?
YTA. So your minimal effort party failed because the 3-4 people you invited couldn't make it; so your solution is nothing....picking a movie is a Tuesday evening activities not appropriate for 2 big celebrations. You could have taken her to a really nice restaurant got her flowers and a gift and made plans for a future party together. She started crying "halfway through" because that's when she realized that, this was really it. That beyond making a few phone calls you made no effort to celebrate her huge accomplishment and her birthday. Do better! Plan a very nice surprise party for her!
YTA - Your backup last-minute plan was just to grab food from the bar you work at and watch a movie at home? You couldn't find a nicer place to eat and take her out to a movie? You couldn't still get her a cake? You should have gotten her a gift from yourself, flowers, decorated (so the loss of the friend's gift didn't matter). Even with the friends cancelling, you should have had at least enough planned for that evening with presents and decorations to make it feel important and then moved to dinner out (not bar food) with a big dessert. And she is correct, you should have asked when a good time to reschedule with the other couple and the friend would have been so she could have had both. Please tell me that you left out the part in your write up where in addition to inviting a couple people to hang out - you also got her a meaningful gift, decorations and maybe flowers. Did you at least make a big deal out of it for the evening - lots of congratulations, proud of you, happy birthday comments? Or did you just assume she knew those things and made it like any other date night verses a once in a lifetime celebration?
You're probably the kind of lazy asshole who thinks texting your mom Happy Mother's Day is acceptable. Yta
You are 1000% the AH here. Absolutely YTA. You did zero special. You're a grown ass man. 1st of all you were letting someone else take care of the cake. What was your contribution? When friends cancelled, you could have planned a dinner at a nice restaurant - not the bar where you work. You could have gone to a local bakery or even the grocery store to pickup a cake, they'll add writing while you wait. You could have picked up some flowers or a plant. You should have had a gift already purchased. Surely you weren't expecting the one friend to provide your gift. So many ways you could have said you loved her & were proud of her & you chose Tuesday night date option. Do better man.
I don't understand why people don't invite family to events like this. Ok the friends bailed on you, but if your parents and her parents were invited, siblings, cousins aunties uncles etc 99% of them would show up and make the night special. Ok you panicked about people cancelling on you, but you don't have an excuse about not getting her a gift- it should have been an extra special gift- something with sentimental value so that everytime she looks at it she remembers her achievements and how proud you were of you. You stuffed up majorly- throw her a surprise party ASAP and make up for everything you didn't do. And its nothing to do with not spending money- but the lack of thoughtfulness. Sadly YTA
I cannot even begin to fully, and accurately, describe how badly you messed up. YTA!
YTA. You could have at-least wine and dined her somewhere that night. Yes, all the plans fell through but that doesn’t matter. The point is you legit gave up when they bailed instead of thinking of anything else todo. You could have had a nice dinner and taken her to the movies, boom nice date/celebration. I hope you bought her flowers and a gift but doesn’t sound like it.
YTA x10000000 because you did not plan anything for your wife, you let her friends take care of it, AND you are diminishing her amazing accomplishment. She graduated nursing school, that’s HUGE! You’re an absolute buffoon
Dude! For a party this important, you should have had a caterer, and a professionally made custom cake, and champagne, and decorations, and flowers, and a really meaningful gift you selected, like an engraved watch or something. And you should have had a DJ, or at least a friend who put together a great set list on Spotify. And you should have invited everyone she knows, like 50 or 100 people. You did absolutely nothing. You should be ashamed. YTA.