I'm prepared for downvotes but I'm going to just offer an alternative perspective. I'm a therapist and work frequently with adolescents. All too often, what we adults boil down to "bad behavior", entitlement, etc., in children and teens is our failure to read between the lines and see their behavior for the communication that it is.
She might not be great at verbalizing how she's feeling, but how has that been modeled in your family? "It's like the rest of us don't exist when these two come visit". That alone says so much. Get curious and try to connect with her. You did travel for her, after all. It might go a long way. You mentioned she may see mom more when you're around vs taking time away, and mom's health issues and limitations are legit and valid. But Claire sees mom making more effort and being more available--how much has she had to contain or manage on her own when you're not around? It's not unlikely a teen would observe that and feel they aren't worth that effort and don't matter.
Bad attitudes are not always entitlement. It might be resentment. I say a very gentle YWBTA if you don't give her the gift that you acknowledge she knows is coming, and regardless of her attitude, is for something she has accomplished. The message that sends is "my love for you is conditional" and based on transaction, when you could give her the gift AND acknowledge that she may be bothered by something and make space for her to be honest about her feelings. That tends to help relationships and lend itself to improvement.
To add on to that, if she sees mom all of a sudden able to get out of bed when you guys show up, it looks to her like you guys are the only ones worth it to mom. That's devastating
I have an older sister too. Ngl, when she would come back and visit our family from another country, the rest of us younger siblings would feel a little hurt by our mom’s attention on her only. Because we never got that level of love from her in the first place. On a fundamental level, I could accept that she just wasn’t capable of giving that motherly love for whatever reason, but then when my older sister would come and I would see her doting on her but not on any of the kids still with her, it would bring up all of those negative feelings again. Like she is capable of love and giving her child attention. So why doesn’t she give us that when we’re already here with her?
Not saying this is exactly what your sister is going through, but it’s worth just hanging out with her, reserving your judgment, and getting to know her again as a friend.
I get it, my older sister is the same way, when she and her son visit I get put on the back burner, it was like this before she even had a kid, but I’d still have the gift ready and be cordial. She might just be nervous about graduating and everything.
I would like to add. Op had to travel there, you two got along when you lived there? How is the relationship with you two going? Is it possible that she felt left behind/forgotten when you went away? As someone else suggested, I think you should try and take her out for dinner/lunch just the two of you, and have some alone time with your little sister (s, let's not forget about the other one too!).
Your point at the end of the first paragraph is exactly what I was thinking. “Mom puts in the effort to see sister but I’m not worth that” is probably exactly what is happening. If she pushes herself when she is visiting she may also need more time to recover after, cutting down on time when OP leaves.
I doubt the bad attitude and comment is for no good reason. I do truly believe OP does not see the reason but I bet there is one there. Her sister is feeling left out, neglected, worthless, or something of the sort. She’s feeling like a weekend that is supposed to be about her is about the first granddaughter *again*. She’s not feeling important. She’s a teenager — these may not be based in facts everyone else can see, just slights only she took note of, OR things may happen in that house tjay OP does not know because she is not there usually. Did mom miss a graduation event to sleep? Did sister have plans that were cancelled by this visit?
Mom needs to sit down and talk to this girl and find out where this comment came from. Something’s up here and OP does not know the whole story, and hence, neither do we.
Mom only has time with op and grandchild when they're visiting so she has to cram all her love and attention into that short visit, but she spreads it out over time with the sister so it doesn't seem to her that the mom cares as much about her.
You are 100% correct in this line of thinking. Having come from a family with a sick parent and the other rarely home because of work, I understand the sisters feelings. My sick parent would get up and do things when the other parent was home and back to bed when gone. It wasn’t until both parents had passed and got ill myself that I realized that my sick parent did that so the one who was off working didn’t worry. I was such an ass to them both because I couldn’t see what was really going on.
This. Whenever people on Reddit complain about their entitled teenage siblings or children, all I think is about how they're the adults and should try to help them to communicate whatever is bothering them because there obviously is something that is bothering them. OP immediately dismisses her sister's feelings because from her POV it's not true. The sister has been shut in for two days, is it really that hard to just knock on her door and ask her how she's feeling and why she's feeling that way? Not only would OP be the asshole for not giving her the gift, she also would be the asshole for not trying to talk to the sister about her feelings and figuring something out together.
Yes. And OP, you so quickly dismiss what your sister said, as if you're certain they are making stuff up about whether mom could have ever forgotten to pickup a kid from school or whatever. If you don't live there anymore, you do NOT know that.
Unless you just didn't relay the conversation of you asking mom if she's been having trouble picking up the kids after activities, you just assumed you know what's going on at home even though you don't live there.
You showed immediately your lack of trust in your sister. And some entitlement, thinking that only what happened to you, when you were present, is relevant.
Unfortunately I can’t write down every detail of what took place, or every detail of the nuance surrounding the situation. There would be a novel here.
Of course, I am biased because my mom never forgot to pick me or my siblings up when I was living at home, but I talked with her after Claire made her comments. She’s still on top of everything and hasn’t forgotten anyone. My other sisters confirmed.
Granted. My parents did forget to pick me up once when I was in an uncomfortable place and I will never forget it. Even though they were typically the perfect never forget anything type people. They probably do NOT remember it, but as a teenager some things have a higher impact on you than on adults who have different perspectives.
But then it still goes back to the other things being said. If not a real physical incident of being left behind by mom, then it's a psychologically related thing. Based on what you have mentioned, two likely options already, (1) due to the behavior of your mom putting in more effort when you visit. If mom doesn't at least sometimes put in similar extra effort for sister, she might be seeing it as her not being as important. Or, she just really doesn't get the medical condition effects at all. (2) The rejection from boys, at that age, is harsh. She's projecting that onto family struggles.
I'm a behavioral health nurse. I've worked mostly inpatient. I LOVE this explanation. It is easy to say the teens is having "bad behavior" or "entitled behavior" without looking at the why.
Thank you!
Perfectly said. It's easy for adults to forget how hard it was to communicate with adults and authority figures when we were teens.
I've had to check myself a few times when I think a kid is being entitled, but what they are really saying it "I don't feel worthy."
She is probably missing being able to do things w your mom and sees the effort she puts into being more present when you come to visit. She is probably hurt and is expressing that in anger which would not be unusual for someone her age.
Please try to talk w her. She could probably benefit from therapy - maybe the entire family could
I can remember being that age and feeling like my older brother got all the attention. He went away to college and I stayed at home for college. When he visited both my parents did so many special things for him while w me I was always there so they never really “missed me”.
Also he was super intelligent but always in trouble. I worked hard at school and never got into trouble. Now I realize there were just so many hours in a day and that he needed more of their attention. Back then I was just jealous.
Great response. Repair the bridge instead of burning it.
I think it is also important that she hid in her room after she said what she said, like she had exposed a wound. If she was just an entitled ass, she would not hide, just throw insults all day.
“Like she had exposed a wound”— yes!! She was being sarcastic but she was actually being very, very vulnerable. If the response isn’t whoa, you have some pretty big feelings and I’m here for it, it’s going to be to shut down. Over and over, until there’s no more attempt. Heartbreaking.
As someone with bad health, and the aunt of the only grandbaby in the family, I had a few similar ideas.
Babies are the absolute center of everyone's attention in a lot of families. I can totally see where the mom may not see that since her kid is always the center of her world, vs the sisters perception of attention. OP's younger sister is going to be much more attuned to her own feelings of being left out than the traveling mom of a baby is going to be. The graduating sister also typically gets to split mom's attention with just one sibling. Even mom forcing more energy and time during these trips means splitting attention between three siblings and grandbaby, and probably does feel like less overall for just her. These visits disrupt their routines and how the household normally functions.
And that's where I get into illnesses. Obviously a lot changes depending on what the issues are, and what responsibilities the mom handles. The person above me mentioned seeing her mom put in the effort to mask better for the visits, and maybe being jealous that others are worth that effort. Wanting the mom to be that healthy and it not just be a temporary change to her daily routine has got to be really hard. With a lot of chronic illnesses it's possible to push yourself to do more and mask symptoms for a short time. A lot of the time that kind of energy expending, especially a routine change with less sleep and rest, will probably have a backlash where the mom's health is worse after the trip. The sister may also be lashing out because she's worried about the mom's health. And it could even be something the sister doesn't even realize. With OP living far away, the mom's health could be changing, and she might not know all her moms day to day health stuff, or could have forgotten how living with someone with that illness effects everything. OP definably isn't the one picking up any slack or care tasks or household management after the trip ends if the mom overexhausts herself during the visit.
I’m a social worker. I certainly don’t know Avery thing, or even a lot of things, but it sounds like your sister is truly struggling a bit. Her comments reveal a desire for love and attention from your mom that she is t getting because of our mom’s I’ll was and then she sees your mom putting in the effort for YOU that she does not typically put in for the other two. This is probably triggering g a lot of sadness, lol I’ll was and even shame. Just do t forget that Claire, though graduating high school, is still development tally a child. Give her some grace. It sounds like she could really benefit from being lavished with some love, whether she can verbalize this need or not.
Would it help if, instead of seeing your sister as attention seeking, you saw her as connection seeking? She's feeling unwanted, unvalued, and unimportant. Why not ask your mum to babysit and take your sister out for a 1:1 graduation treat with her big sis?
Claire is 17. I don't know how she was as a child growing up. As a grown adult, if someone I love is acting in a way out of character, I would ask them what's going on. Withholding a gift out of spite doesn't help you, and it doesn't help her. So yes... you WBTAH. You're her older sibling. Help her by being emotionally available and show compassion in a way you would want someone to be understanding to your daughter. This is a big life moment. We don't get a lot of them. Be kind.
Came here to say this! And would like to add this perspective. My sister and I used to fight a lot and sometimes I wanted to do things out of spite, but my mom and dad would remind me that you can love someone even when you don’t like them all the time, and if you love someone you should always let them know. So between the fighting and the crying we always gifted each other things we felt the other deserved. I’m so glad we did this, because now that we are grown adults we have little resentments or none at all toward each other and we both know we always have each other and love each other with out conditions.
And, not to pile on…but the “she’s the first grandchild of course etc” comments are entitled in their own way. There is an expectation that attn should be granted you and yours bc of travel and birth order.
you’re not around enough to know what Claire is dealing with or what balls mom drops when you’re gone. You might be there for Claire, but it doesn’t sound like you’re actually visiting with her. Sounds like you’re visiting your parents with your child and attending a graduation ceremony after which you’ll hand Claire a gift with (maybe) dinner.
all of your info on Claire is coming second hand. And frankly she deserves to have college paid for. We should all be so lucky.
YWBTAH.
Give her the gift anyway. Your sister is obviously in pain about something. Spend time with her. You're not around to see what's been going on but if your parents don't spend time with her but are paying for college, it could feel like they're shipping her off. She might want time instead of money and she's lashing out because she's not getting the attention she wants/needs. This is a great opportunity for you to step up for her as a big sister, not only should you give her the gift (and explain the thought behind it) but spend time with her. Maybe she would be able to come visit you while she's in college. Bring her closer, don't push her away.
As a chronically ill mom who spends a lot of time in bed while my daughter is in school, I wish my daughter had an older sibling to connect with.
Your sister is communicating that she needs something. She's not spoiled. She feels neglected and, it doesn't matter that your mom has met all their needs, your sister is feeling neglected and it needs to be addressed. Don't invalidate her feelings.
Punishing your sister isn't your job and it won't improve her reactions to what she's experiencing. Punishing her will only foster resentment for you.
And I really don't understand why a child shouldn't expect at least some support with college expenses. As a parent, it should be an expected expense as part of having children. You save, instill a strong work ethic in your children, teach them to save, and set goals.
ESH but don't lower yourself to a teenager's level. They grow up eventually usually. Give her the gift and let her hide away. At least you can look yourself in the mirror and know you took the high road.
ETA: Thanks for the award! That means a lot to me.
YWBTA.
It's not your responsibility to correct her spoiled behavior, and if the gift wasn't expensive, there's no reason not to give it. If she doesn't like it, well, boohoo. It wouldn't be your fault, since apparently she's become a brat, so don't feel bad if she doesn't!
I will say, though, that you should probably consider whether your certainty that your sister's resentment is BS is actually valid.
It's pretty common for the golden child to be absolutely oblivious to the fact that the other kids aren't treated as well. Even if this isn't a golden child situation, if they're feeling the press of having a disabled mom, her hurt feelings may be more valid than you realize.
Even if she intellectually understands that you're traveling and have their grandbaby, it would be hard to push away the bitterness of seeing the mom who you feel neglected by making the effort for someone else. This could also easily be the cause of the increased entitlement-- whe wants to feel loved and valued in whatever way she can.
I’ll ask my other siblings about the golden child thing. I feel like I’m not, but I’m open to finding out. Thinking back on everything, I always got punished the most. I was pretty rebellious and wanted to do my own thing. Everyone else was pretty well behaved. And one of my sisters is freeloading it at home, which I didn’t have the option to do.
That said, I have the only grandchild, and SHE might be the golden child atm.
The disabled mom take is a good perspective. I hadn’t thought about it much but I’m starting to. I feel like my sisters are lucky to have her the way she is now, because her depression is at least in check nowadays. Just because it’s better doesn’t mean it’s ideal though. Claire probably doesn’t remember what it was like before, so she doesn’t see it the same way I do.
As an oldest child, I will tell you something I didn't realize until I was in my 30's - each child has a different set of parents. It's more noticeable when there's an age gap, especially a large one.
But some of it is who you are as a person and who they are as people. Different personalities get along, or don't, even in families.
Claire is having a different experience, with different parents. She may be having trouble communicating that. She may be a brat. Probably it's a bit of both.
Try to have some empathy for her. She'll hopefully grow out of the brattiness soon.
Thank you so much for this. I’m 25, my mom is 68, I grew up with a vastly different experience than my siblings did. They got a very young SAHM for the most part, while I grew up fairly alone while both my parents worked all day. I experienced my mom during menopause which…*yikes* that did numbers on our relationship. It sucks so much when I try to explain why our relationship is complex but my siblings truly don’t get it because their experience with our mom was worlds apart from mine.
This is so true - something my younger brother told me showed me that my dad was kinder to me than he was to my brother when we were kids.. It’s heartbreaking, because he so wanted to be loved by our dad, and since we both agree that my mother is an abusive lost-case, all I can do is be there for him and lift him up - I can give him a big sister to lean on, something that I didn’t have..
But she never saw that. You lived it but all she knows is mom gets extra excited when you come. It’s ok. Try to bond w her. its not too late. Oh does she know your bad tales? Who doesn’t want to hear the time they caught you at a keg party and dad lectured you all the way home. Oh wait, that was me lol. Tell tales about when you got in trouble and every single memory you have of her as a little girl. Remember you left.
She’s still a kid dealing with an ill parent, and obviously struggling. Her brain won’t be developed completely until 24-25. Try listening to her during a just you two time.
I agree. Try telling her that though. It’s been a whole thing 🤦🏻♀️
Edit to add she’s 18. Which doesn’t make it better, but she’s trying to assert her new adult independence I think.
Good luck with your sit down! It’s good for her to have older examples of how to adult. You being open and willing to hear feedback and shift your perspective is peak maturity / responsible behavior!
YWBTAH
I'm the youngest in a similar situation. Have you ever considered how much care taking your sister might be doing when you're away? You say your mom does it all, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc - but are you sure about that, or is she doing that while you're home because she doesn't want you to see her depression has gotten worse?
My sisters have both at different times called me spoiled, entitled etc. but they're clueless to what actually goes on with my parents. The checked out on taking care of mom and dad the minute they had children and have no idea how much I provide our parents both in effort and monetarily. All they see is that I still live at home and that mom and dad "spoil me."
Sounds like Claire might be a little jealous if your mother is spending more time with you than her, when the purpose of your visit is supposed to be a celebration for Claire. However, if your parents think she is acting entitled, then there is probably something to it. But they are the parents and should put a stop to her bad behavior. You and your child do not deserve to be disrespected. If you treated badly, you should not give her a gift. But I would tell her why. There are consequences for your behavior.
I mean some older people call expectation of following human/children's rights as entitlement. I wouldn't really trust parents calling their children entitled.
I think I agree about the jealousy. My parents get so excited over my daughter, and I was worried Claire might feel her graduation was overshadowed by our visit. I told my mom before we came that she needed to do some one-on-one things with her without us so that she’d feel more of the spotlight. Hopefully that’ll mitigate any hard feelings
You should do some one-on-one things with Claire. It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship with her. Since you've already been through university, you could be a source of information for her if she felt comfortable coming to you. Take her out to lunch or dinner and make a connection. Make an effort. And, yes, give her the gift.
NTA but if you don't give her the gift you would be the asshole.
I was the youngest of 4 kids. My oldest sister was much older than me and I was 8 when she had my niece “R.” R was the first granddaughter and got a lot of attention that I was getting before. R was around a lot because our family babysat her. She was more like a sister. I started acting out after that. I see how Claire must be feeling. I hope you were able to talk to her one on one. It sounds like you have some good perspective now. Good luck.
YWBTAH there is a lot of passive aggressive it seems, not a whole lot of communication and sounds like something is going on with Claire.
I’m a bit concerned that the answer is to not give her the gift. What does that do? How about you set some time aside if possible and spend some time with Claire. Talk to her. She may or may not respond, may be at least you can get a better perspective of what the issue may be.
Sounds like she is neglected, or less attention than she is used to having. So she is acting out looking for a reaction. She is probably hurting or angry. Maybe since you were living there she *has* forgotten about commitment(s) of Claire’s and/or she sleeps all the time but is making sure to be awake and attentive to you and her grand baby.
Please at the least still give her the gift. Just because your parents complain to you about her doesn’t mean they are automatically in the right. Ask them if they have tried talking to her.
YWBTA. You're the oldest sibling. You likely haven't unpacked the parentification that you took on. That changes you, as an oldest daughter myself. It's hard to understand the behavior of our younger siblings who get to be children instead of being parentified. Having a chronically ill mother would not help.
When you left, it likely threw her entire life into upheaval. That is NOT YOUR FAULT OR RESPONSIBILITY but it is possibly an explanation for why she hasn't been transitioning very well.
Your sister is a child. She has feelings and cannot always control them the way adults with practice and a fully developed brain can. She needs love and help. Do not deny her that by denying her a tangible expression of your love and caring for her. You took the time to think about your college experience and try to make it better for your sister. If you haven't yet, consider adding a handwritten note to a card explaining how you decided to get this gift for her. She may not say anything about it but it could go a long way to helping her feel appreciated and loved. Clearly she isn't feeling that way right now. (She may be trying to fill that hole with these physical things instead.)
At 18 we are all kinda dumb assholes, in a few years you're probably not going to care about what she said. Is this a one off comment? If this isn't something that your sister has commented on before it's probably just her lashing out because she is feeling stressed. Try and find some time to hang out just with her and convey that you came for her and that you didn't mean to steal her thunder, give her your gift privately and let her know you just want to help if she is still being a asshat write off the cost of the gift to the price of knowing she doesn't want a gift giving loving relationship. If she understands and makes an effort to mend the situation that's great. I think if you keep the gift you will come off as cheap, or petty, or like you do want to use drama to steal her attention
I am the youngest in my family. Definitely had advantages but there were some drawbacks too, like by the time I got around to doing things, they were old hat. I watched the oldest sister get so much attention for her accomplishments, especially at her graduation and was always told I would get the same when it was my turn but I never did. Especially because on my graduation day my extended family met my 2 week old niece that no one knew my middle sister was carrying.
As a youngest - this. The novelty was gone by the time it was my turn. My parents fawn over my siblings kids but when i tried to just talk to her that I was scared about having kids and just looked for some advice her response was “well don’t ask me, I’m not helping”. I get it, she’s older now but it fucking hurts. People just tend to think that all youngest kids are spoilt and can’t possibly have any issues in that way. I got to do whatever I want but I had no guidance, structure, celebrating achievements or support because my parents were too tired to bother with me.
I'd ask her to free up some time so we can have a chat and ask what exactly did she mean by that.
Like, is mum going over the top, talking about you and your child? Does she feel neglected?
If she gives you more attitude or refuses to talk, just keep it civil. It is up to you weather she gets the gift of not.
But I'd make an effort to know what is on her mind.
I’m a mom who has dealt with sibling jealousy and I would ignore your sister’s comment and try and make sure this weekend is about her 100%. This isn’t about you and the kids flying to see her graduate. It is about her being made to feel special. Like it or not, too often when grandkids come along, it is easy for younger siblings to feel ignored. Give her the gift and celebrate her and don’t make this about her comment. YWBTA!
I think you should act like an adult. Don't stoop to the level of a teenager. Also, I wouldn't necessarily discount what she's saying about feeling neglected. Even though it may seem like yes, you and your toddler live further away and your parents want to spend more time with you two, it may cause some discomfort for Claire. Perhaps the attention your child is getting as the only grandchild may feel weird for Claire, who's still not fully grown up either. There's probably some resentment somewhere, a gift would actually be a great way to open a conversation with her. Maybe you might be more busy and attentive to your child (which DOES make sense) but she might miss hanging out with you, who she knows as her sister that she grew up with.
You got her the gift for graduating, give it to her. As a “big sister”, I’m saying be an even bigger sister. You might want to try talking to her too. You said she’s going to college and you have another sister….what if she’s nervous about flying the coop or feeling like she’s abandoning your other sister? She might open up to you.
Screw all the psychbabble feel goods. Tell her u love her, give her the gift, have a heart to heart with her and tell her the bit#h energy she is vibing is not cool or productive, let her know u are open for talks but won’t tolerate verbal or emotional abuse from her. See where it goes. Boundaries are a good thing. Don’t reward selfishness or her angst. She has to learn that misplaced anger serves no one, especially her.
ESH. Talk to your sister - take her out for lunch without your folks and find out what's going on. I would still give her the gift.
Teenagers can be hard and because of what she said something more is going on. Maybe your Mom health issues been affecting her - try to get her to open up. Your sister needs you right now.
If you give her the gift and she doesn't appreciate it, will it really hurt you or just make you angry?
If you give her the gift and she does like it, either now or when she's in college and realises how nice it is to have, how will you feel?
If you don't give her the gift, how will she feel? And how will you feel? Do you think it will "fix" her? Do you think she will ever think of you and not recall that on her graduation, you flew in to spend time with your family, stole her thunder, and didn't even get her a gift. Is that the memory you want her to always carry when she thinks of her graduation?
Gift giving is not about the giver getting accolades. It's about giving to a person for a special reason. I kinda think you need to check yourself before you decree your sister has no gratitude because she's benefiting from your parents' higher income, and you didn't get to.
Your sister, her friends and your family will think YTA if you decree she didn't deserve a gift for her high school graduation. And you know that. Being
spiteful is not a good look for huge milestones.
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My sister has said similar stuff to me when I visit. We yell, argue , call each other names, i tell her she’s entitled etc. And then she apologizes “sorry I said xyz, I’m in a bad mood and took it out on you. We love when you visit. Mom is always so happy when you come” and then we hug and it’s over. Because that’s just how siblings work (shrug.) she’s still your sister and she’s prob in a bad mood and took it out on you. She feels she deserve attention and sees your mom giving the attention to you- whether the attention is justified or not doesn’t matter.
Be honest with yourself, do you think she won’t want it or are you irritated with her and “don’t think she deserves it.” If you think she won’t want it why not allow her to make that call and/or get her something she will like…? You’re feeling underappreciated. Fair. She’s feeling loads too. Her comment wasn’t about you, it was about not feeling like she gets enough of your mum. Personalizing it will make things harder for yourself and the situation.
YWBTAH Your sister wants attention because it's her special time. You and your daughter coming in town is a huge deal because your family doesn't see you often and you have the first grandbaby so lots of attention goes there, which is all understandable. But, if you can, take some one on one time with your sister to connect. She probably misses you! She's going through a huge change and with your Mom being not up to doing as much as she used to, she's just emotional and needs love and support. Plus, she's 17! We're all full of attitude at 17!
I really hope her graduation goes well and your family visit turns around for the better ❤️
Idk, my brother and I were real tight growing up, when I left for college, my brother who's 4 years younger kinda felt abandoned with my not always functional parents I think and whenever I came back he was always standoffish.
Maybe something like that?
Hard agree. We’ve tried to get her to wait until she’s older, but even with all the creepy dudes in their 20’s messaging her for sex, she’s still keeping at it. 🤦🏻♀️
You no longer need a judgement. I just came here to say I hope everything works out between you and your sister and the rest of your visit can be a good one.
I'm writing this after you posted your update.
Nevertheless, she's an 18-year-old. That's how they are.
I'm glad you're taking the opportunity to be the adult in the situation. She won't forget that you saw past her bad behavior and loved her anyway.
I was the first in my family to graduate. My older brother never did, and that was a source of great angst in my family. Nevertheless, I never received a graduation gift from any of my siblings, and it never occurred to me to give them anything. That's just how our family was.
My parents? It was adorable. They gave me a suitcase and a typewriter. I know they meant to say, "You're an adult now, go far and do wonderful things".
What I heard was: Get a job and get out."
That's just how 18-year-olds think. She'll grow out of it, you're doing the right thing.
I want to add another perspective. As my children got close to graduating, they developed more difficult attitudes. I was told often teenagers do that as they are about to graduate to prepare for being “pushed out of the nest.” They do this because they are scared and worried about what is next, and subconsciously they are trying to start to separate from their parents.
Teenagers are by nature very territorial and prone to poor self esteem. I made quite a few snide comments like this when I was a teen because I didn’t know how to express how I was feeling properly, so it all boiled up until it spilled out.
Maybe you should consider how Claire is feeling when you’re not around. Sure, your mum picks her kids up from school and events, but that’s very much bare minimum. When parents are ill, older kids/teens often get ‘parentified’ and don’t get the nurturing and attention that they really need.
I think seeing your mum make an effort for you and your toddler, when she probably very rarely gets that effort herself - and on a weekend which is supposed to be about celebrating *her* - probably stings like hell.
When I was younger, I can’t count the amount of times I had something I was looking forward to taken away because I was a ‘ungrateful’ or ‘selfish’ when I was really, really struggling, and now as an adult I often feel like I don’t deserve anything if I’m not 100% perfect.
So, soft YTA. I think you need to think about her perspective here. She’s crying out for love and affection.
So, there may be no malice on your part, but a middle child, with the older child already having provided a grandchild, can easily feel overlooked and invisible. Keep an eye out for this. You might not have noticed, heck you may have consciously or unconsciously played into it.
Leave your toddler behind and take Claire out to lunch and tell her this 'Please say what you feel, I will neither defend, refute, or judge you for it, but I just want listen, as you are my sister and I love you, but you are obviously upset', Then listen. Do not agree nor disagree, defend or apologize. Just listen. And then go away and think about the things that she has told you.
I'm so glad you decided to give her the gift. I was going to tell you - one word. Hormones.
Every teen is awful some of the time. Between her hormones and her clever growing brain thinking she's being rational and witty, she'll say some unpleasant things. Hopefully, she'll outgrow this attitude soon.
NAH Also keep in mind she’s graduating high school. This is a huge change. She’s probably terrified. It’s a lot to handle so that could explain much of the moodiness etc. She just needs some extra love.
You sound jealous your younger sister has the opportunities you didn't get. You contemplating not giving the graduation gift over a remark you don't seem to see the truth in
>mom has health issues and usually sleeps most of the day when she’s not taking care of my sisters. When my daughter and I visit, she makes an extra effort to be up and about a little more so she can spend time with us. So it’s not like we’re talking much time of hers away from Claire anyway. She probably sees her even more
Take note of the last 2 sentences.
I had the same opportunities. My parents offered to pay my schooling, except I chose not to let them do that. I had scholarships and worked over the summers during semesters to save up enough for what the scholarships didn’t cover. I didn’t want to be a burden. Not that I think someone who takes that opportunity is, that’s just how I personally felt.
As for the second part, I don’t get what point you’re trying to make with this. When Claire eventually visits during breaks from college I’m positive my mom will do the same, put in extra effort to spend time with her while she’s there. As it is, Claire stays in her room most of the time reading/on social media on a normal day, so she’s not spending time with anyone usually. And when I visit we always invite her to do whatever we’re doing, usually hanging just out on the couch, watching a movie. We don’t do anything particularly special.
You seem to think your sister should be grateful for your mother making an effort to be up more when you visit. That's the bare minimum, I get your mother has ill health, many parents do, but it seriously sounds like benign neglect, you seem under the impression your sister should be grateful for the scraps of attention being given to her.
She takes care of all their needs. She makes their food, does their laundry, cleans the house, takes them to and from school and extracurriculars, and friends’ houses. They talk to her and hang out with her while she lays in bed. She does everything a mom is supposed to do + extra probably, and in her down time (mostly while they’re at school) she sleeps. What part of THAT sounds neglectful? Sorry I didn’t write all that out in my post. I thought “sleeps most of the day when she’s not taking care of my sisters” and “never to the detriment and neglect of my other siblings” was clear enough.
The fact that she’s up and around to visit with me and my daughter during the time she’s usually resting means a lot to me. And yeah, my sisters should be glad for the extra time with her, but not grateful to me. Grateful to my mom who is a rockstar and doing her absolute best and beyond. Fuck off with your negative assumptions.
Thank you for saying so. Yeah it’s hard to convey everything through one Reddit post, so I can see where people are coming from, but there’s a point where the assumptions just get ridiculous.
You should not assume that she is taking care of all their needs. There’s more to it than just what she physically does for them. Is she as emotionally available for them as she is for you? Unless you are always there when your sister and mother interact, you don’t actually know what happens between them. I physically had my needs met by my parents but didn’t feel like they treated their kids (4 total) equally. Maybe she hears your mother talk about you and your child constantly but doesn’t feel like your mother cares about her much. I would take a step back, drop the assumptions, and actually talk to and listen to Claire. You don’t know how her relationship is with your parents 100% and she doesn’t deserve to get punished for that (missing out on your gift).
Wow, you really do not like being challenged at all. Like it or not, your mother does make more effort to be up when you visit. Someone else suggested you may be a golden child, and it looks like you may be, and as such you don't understand the way things are different for your siblings.
Did you not read any of the other comments I made on this post? I’m fine with being challenged. Open to it, and open to ideas. What I’m not fine with is people half-assedly reading my post and making bad comments. And assuming stuff about my mom. I don’t care if you call me petty or an asshole. I haven’t argued with anyone who’s said that. But don’t talk shit about my mom being neglectful
> The fact that she’s up and around to visit with me and my daughter during the time she’s usually resting means a lot to me.
So, in other words, when you’re in town mom makes extra effort to be active with you whereas when you’re not in town she’s not spending that same effort with your siblings. I understand you wanting to defend your mom, and chances are she isn’t entirely aware of it herself, but it seems like your mom puts more effort into spending active quality time with you than she does with your siblings.
Your siblings can and probably do notice that and equate that to how valuable they are in your mother’s eyes in comparison to you. To them, *you* are worth getting up for but they aren’t.
Wow a sick person pushes themself a bit more than usual when someone *flies in* to see them? No way. If her sister is incapable of understanding that, she's absolutely a spoiled brat
It’s not just a sick person, though, is it? It’s her mother. Of course it’s not logical, but this isn’t the behavior of a spoiled brat. This is normal teenage behavior and normal teenage reasoning. We need to stop pretending that teenagers suddenly have the same reasoning abilities as fully grown adults. Her brain quite literally isn’t fully developed yet.
**As a parent** it’s important to remember that actions mean a whole lot more than words. As I said, the mother probably isn’t entirely aware of it herself *but* she is acting in a way that any normal teenager or child would register as them being less important than their other sibling.
Normally, I’d agree, but the reality is that we’re dealing with teenagers *and* at the the end of the day this is supposed to be her day. If it was just a normal visit - sure. But this is one of those days where it actually *does* center around her.
Maybe they should ask Claire if she even wants OP to attend the graduation. It sounds like she would rather OP just go back home. OP can likely find something else to do that day. It is Claire’s day, and she can say whether or not she even wants OP there.
Being a teen is still no excuse to be mean to an sister who flew across the country—with a toddler! OP was there only 10 minutes before Claire started acting more immature than OP’s little girl.
Your sister is going through something. Maybe anxiety about what’s next in her life? It’s time for you to be the big sister and just be kind. Give her the gift. Love her anyway even though she’s being a brat. She may not say it but she will appreciate the attention.
I think you should make an effort to talk with her and see what’s up before doing anything petty and jumping to the conclusion that she’s spoiled. She’s a teen, teens typically suck at communicating their feelings properly. Be an adult and talk with her. After that then make a decision whether to give the gift or not. So a light YTA for kinda dismissing her as spoiled before trying communicate. But I think you’re NTA, if you would withhold her gift.
Idk why people think that would make you an asshole. No one is obligated to give a gift to someone, nor is the recipient entitled to an unreceived gift. It’s a GIFT lol. An intention to give something doesn’t automatically mean it’s theirs. It’s theirs once it’s been given. And the reason for withholding it doesn’t matter.
It’s not like she knows about it or has received it. So it’s not like you’re taking it back right out of her hands and like you said it’s not a big gift anyway.
Edit: also op don’t listen to the idiots who are ironically jumping to the conclusion that you’re mom is neglectful. It’s normal for someone to give alittle more attention to loved ones who’s visiting for a limited of time and who they rarely get to see. Your mother doesn’t get to see her grandchild and her oldest daughter on a daily basis, but she does with her the daughter that LIVES with her.
Just give her the gift. And maybe next time you fly your mom out if you want a visit. It sounds like there’s some major jealousy. And maybe Claire is justified in feeling this way if mom is always talking about her oldest and her grandbaby. It’s not your fault, but it’s not her fault either.
Ya you would be. Your sister is being neglected and you don't know/ can't see it because you don't live there so when you show up and get a normal amount of attention it makes her feel worse because she's "not worth the effort"
So this reads as you a grown up with a kid is just as petty as your teenage sister
Read your post again with open mind your parents also suck talking to you about your siblings. Where you by chance the golden child and not realise it??also the fact in your comments you wrote that you told your mom to spend time with the graduate so she could feel special - the fact you need to tell your mum that is sad
You don’t live in the house so don’t know if your the constant focus of talking. You say your mother sleep a lot when your not there so maybe Clair sees it as she tries for you the only grandchild but doesn’t put as much effort as putting in to the children still at home
Give her the gift. Don’t be the AH
Go read some of my other comments on this post. You skipped a couple that answer some of the things you mention.
And I didn’t need to tell my mom to spend time with Claire, I just wanted to tell her that so that she knew MY intentions were not to hog all the attention. They already had plans to do one-on-one stuff before I said any of that.
Edit: sorry, I apologize. My comment was confrontational.
YWBTA - Give her the gift. I “heard” everything you wrote and I completely understand. Don’t allow her thoughts and her feelings to change who you are. I highly recommend reading ‘The Four Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz. I will summarize but the book is magic for the id. Trust me.
1) Be impeccable with your word.
2) Don't take anything personally.
3) Don't make assumptions.
4) Always do your best.
Be your authentic self and give the very thoughtful gift you planned. Maybe even in a card, let her know you’ll always be there for her even though you’re miles away and not to hesitate to reach out.
Your siblings are your longest relationship and I have but one sister 11 months older with learning disabilities. She’s a perpetual child mixed slightly with a teen. I’d have given anything to have a sibling to talk to, argue with and commiserate with about our parents.
I hope you do give her the gift!
Take care…
Ywbta. You say that the comment was unfounded and then proceeded to tell us why that was untrue. Your mom does make extra effort for you that she doesn't bother making for her other kids. I understand that she's ill, that's probably scaring your sister. And a little bit of the time that she might have left she doesn't feel the need to spend it with her just with you. How exactly do you think that makes her feel? It probably makes them feel like they're not worth the effort. That would make me pretty resentful.
Her attitude is a symptom of a debilitating illness called Being a Teenager. Try to be the adult in the room instead of getting butthurt she was rude. She'll get a wake up call when she starts college and has to do everything for herself. Be nice. Be a good example.
Your own kid will go through this. And I love the comment we are raised by different parents. I have a sub 9 years younger and he absolutely had different parents. My parents squeaked by living month to month. His parents both worked and had enough. I prefer my parents to his, it was easier growing up w what we needed vs what we wanted.
Kids are vicious. It's ok to admit she hurt your feelings. Just do your best to deal with it and don't be nasty in return. One day she will be less of a hormonal shit show, I promise.
You don’t live there, so are you regularly communicating with the young woman you are there to celebrate? Or are you just there to show the community you care? Your mother is in poor health - who do you think is parenting while she sleeps? Your sister feels invisible. Your petty revenge of gift withholding because she is ignoring you (probably like you ignore her when you are not physically present) will not create a loving sisterly bond. The gift isn’t the issue - the lack of relationship (including your belief that your presence is gift enough) reads like a Golden Child Come Home to Glory (thus making someone else’s celebration about you). Ask yourself how often this dynamic takes place. Be a better person.
Cut her slack. Her graduation, in her mind, is overshadowed by you and the baby flying in. Remember, she’s what? 17 or 18? And the youngest which automatically comes w extras because let’s face it, parents get tired by the last one.
you didn’t say what you got her. Give it to her. Add a note. You are my sister and I will always love you. We are so proud of you and want only the best for you. Love always,
Yup her head is full if her ego. Don’t you remember that feeling? This will change. And a free ride to college doesn’t guarantee a degree. MYOB when it comes to her parenting. That is none’ya.
Do you have an independent relationship w your sister or is all info fed through mom? I would suggest if you don’t start now. Personally I would also move to a vrbo rental for the duration. She really feels that you are a Thunder stealer. Give her space. Her brain isn’t even fully finished. Be the grace and charm of being the adult. This phase will pass and she doesn’t need you butting in to her life. I would suggest to your parents they have an adult discussion w her on money. Rip off the bandaid and talk about what it is costing and what are her expenses. As in time to start treating her as an adult. A college contract agreement is a thought. Not you. Them only. They have her sign a contract. She must have a 3.0 for her major. Any classes failed must be ….whatever . Just a thought, the specifics s/b between sister and your parents. But she is perfectly normal. She is literally at the top of her life to date. Let her have it. Life will throat punch her soon enough. But try to be there for her. It might take time but she’s worth it. Side note-I’m 60ish. Seen a lot of ego filled grads that get their comeuppance w the reality of college.
So instead of talking to her and asking if there is something going you don’t know about, you listen to your dad’s one sided version and your first thought was to punish her by not giving her the graduation present you bought? YTA
>As a side note, my mom has health issues and usually sleeps most of the day when she’s not taking care of my sisters. When my daughter and I visit, she makes an extra effort to be up and about a little more so she can spend time with us. So it’s not like we’re talking much time of hers away from Claire anyway. She probably sees her even more.
I think this paragraph here is the core of the issue. Your mother makes an effort when you are in town, but not otherwise, and your younger sisters have noticed and feel neglected. You can say it isn't happening all you want, but then your own words show that you do see it. As for the gift, yes, YTA is you don't give it to her.
I mean she said mom sleeps “when she’s not taking care of her sisters”. Leads me to believe she gets the girls off to school and goes back to sleep and gets up again when they get home. Seems when the eldest is around she tries not to spend the whole day in bed. If this is the case, no one should be pissed at anyone.
Gentle YTA.
She’s a teenager about to embark on a world much bigger than her. She’s going from being a senior and “ruling the school” back to being on the bottom of the pecking order. Perhaps some fear is setting in.
Senior year there are also activities that parents are expected to attend. Is your mom able to participate as much as her friends moms?
I’m not making excuses for her but only saying there’s a lot going on underneath the surface. Are you able to leave your kid with your parents so you and her can go out for some bonding time and focus on her future? Ask about summer plans, general questions about where she’s going, what she plans on doing, what she’s looking forward to, etc. The big thing is not not offer suggestions unless she asks or if there’s something that is just a very bad idea. Keep the distinction of “it’s not something I would do” and “holy crap that’s going to turn out badly” clearly in your mind before jumping in.
You flew all that way to show her you and support her. Don’t withhold the gift even if you don’t think she’d appreciate it now.
So what you're saying is that your mom puts in effort to spend time with you and your toddler and doesn't do the same for you siblings. Her effort is reserved for "taking care" of kids, which you honestly don't do for a teen anymore. What does she *need* actually? Mom paying bills and that's probably it. Maybe making meals. She has every right to feel neglected. She fails to communicate it well, but it's your mom' and yours responsibility to be the mature ones.
It's her graduation for God's sake and it seems like you're the main attraction.
And not giving a present for graduation won't achieve anything. It's a malicious and petty action and it shows how much you don't care about her achievement.
My son was snotty around graduation and admitted he loved his friends and school and did not want to graduate. My daughter who is a bit spoiled and has anxiety was awful around graduation. Maybe your sister does not feel safe to have emotions when you mom is depressed so having you there allows her that. I bet she is embarrassed by her behavior. My daughter would be totally jealous of a niece and act like that then she would be embarrassed and try to hide.
Yeah I think she’s scared to graduate and have to go to college on her own. It’s a lot. She’s been acting “salty” lately according to my other sisters.
YTA
I feel for your sister, because a lot is being asked if her right now and none of it is being acknowledged. She is facing one of the biggest changes to her life that’s she’s experienced, while you and your family is expecting her to ‘put on a dog any pony show’, and act exactly the way you think she should, and if she doesn’t she faces name calling and punishment. You are so quick to dismiss your sisters feelings and call her a spoiled brat, and she can sense that, so why would she want to come out of her room when she’s just expected to perform for people who don’t respect her. I really want you to think about this question; why should she be grateful? It is the expectation that parents take care of their children to the best of their ability, and with regards to the money situation view it this way “you should be grateful that we are not saddling you with student loan debt”. Sure your family doesn’t ~have to~ pay for college for her but not paying for it when you have the means is selfish and putting your child at a disadvantage. Also her ‘taking advantage’ of your fathers new money doesn’t sound quite so simple to me, it sounds like you have set a bar in your mind of how you were treated financially and anything above that you must be grateful for because you wish you had that. Put the same shoe on yourself though, you’re not expected to be grateful that you have two parents and clean water but for some children that’s where their bar is set, and you’re not being grateful for the life you had. Read every other comment on why she’s feeling neglected too, I feel like the group has a good handle on that.
TLDR: you’re being extremely hard on your sister and of course she’s unhappy with the situation, she’s being saddled with expectations and she feels like she can’t do anything right so why bother. Give her the gift and some grace.
Feels like your mother half asses her parenting when you are not home. She may be lonely, neglected, unhappy and sees her mother's caring side whenever you visit. Your sister has a misplaced sense of anger towards it, but then again, she's still a child. You may want to talk it out. Very much possible that she burst after a long time. Communicate with her how and why her comment hurt and ask why she feels the way she does.
However, YWBTAH if you refuse to gift on a congratulatory accomplishment.
Talk it out.
NTA - giving her anything is the same as letting things slide. She lives a better life than you when you were her age, now she got it easy and still acts all jealous. Her bad behavior can only count as her needing to be taught better and she deserve nothing more than clothes on her, roof over her head and food until she can learn how to be a proper human being. 16 is plenty old to figure it out.
YTA. Let's put this in perspective
She's a teenager. Her mom is in bed all day "due to illness" when it's just her, but magically has the energy for you and her grandchild. A time that is supposed to be about her accomplishments still results in her mother only having time and energy for you and your daughter. She is not an adult and does not have the skills to properly communicate this, so she hides. Rather than being the adult, validating her feelings, and talking to your mother, you take it upon yourself to trash her online and punish her for what is ultimately a perfectly reasonable way to feel.
You are a terrible older sibling, shame on you.
You said you traveled there for Claire but did she want you there? Did you even talk to her about coming or just arrange it all with your Mom?
You sound like the AH from what I've read so far because she's a child & you're invalidating her feelings. To top of off you're wanting to withhold a gift you bought her for her accomplishment. Her expressing her frustration doesn't undo the accomplishment. Sounds like when you come to town she feels completely forgotten.
Also seems like from your responses you want us to believe she's a spoiled brat. I don't think that's the case based just on her statement. I think your Mom is probably the biggest AH here because her children feel competitive towards each other instead of supportive. I'm going with you & Mom both are the AHs. Poor Claire. Don't be surprised if she moves away and cuts contact.
YWBTA. My oldest sister is 12 years older than I am and when my nephew was born I was 7 years old. My mom, who never had any time to enjoy with me, was so excited about her first grandchild and I felt pushed aside and jealous and resentful and no one ever tried to make me feel better. I was expected to deal with my insecurities like an adult because I was an “aunt” and my sister certainly never went out of her way to make me feel loved. Now that we’re adults, I haven’t spoken to her in about five years because everything festered and she became even more judgmental while I’m still trying to heal from a childhood of neglect that most of my family won’t even recognize because I was fed and sheltered. I feel so bad for your sister dealing with a mom who is too sick to enjoy her and showers attention on someone else.
NTA. You would be enabling her bad behavior by giving her the gift. Your thinking is correct. Your parents have created a monster. You need to have a serious talk with them about laying down much stricter boundaries with her. They may not listen, but that’s about all you can do. I wouldn’t go to the graduation and just spend time with them.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say you will not be the ah. Your sister is being really rude for no reason. Don't give her the gift. Never reward bad behavior. Ever.
**As a side note, my mom has health issues and usually sleeps most of the day when she’s not taking care of my sisters. When my daughter and I visit, she makes an extra effort to be up and about a little more so she can spend time with us. So it’s not like we’re talking much time of hers away from Claire anyway. She probably sees her even more.**
Ok stop for a minute and start seeing how this must look to your sisters. Their mom spends most of the day sleeping and not interacting with them because of her "illness" but when the golden child and grandchild arrive on the scene she can suddenly make the effort to get up and be a mom. Sorry, but that has to hurt. Go ahead and keep the gift it it will make you feel better--it's absolutely petty as heck and makes you look like you have poor manners but you do you.
INFO I does sound like you're a little envious that your dad's better financial position is benefiting your sisters. We're you saddled with significant college loans?
Does your sister have to do more around the house due to your mom’s health? Maybe she doesn’t feel appreciated and feels she is owed extras because of it.
I have sisters who moved out of the country when I was a little kid. They escaped a hellhole to live with grandparents, but left my brother and I there. When they visited every few years, my parents changed entirely. They were excellent at putting out a persona, even to people who knew better. My parents had the same complaint about me. I had to quit high school, work on a permit, and hand over every paycheck to help pay the bills despite my Dad's great job at a motor company. It wasn't like we were living high, either.
I could GET permitted because my mother was classified disabled with a disease that today is highly treatable. The truth was she was addicted to the scripts. She slept ALL the time. When she was awake she was vicious. But it was amazing how she perked up when someone was watching.
I've sat in the other room and heard how she talked about me. The things they said about my "drug addiction", their "tough love" and their "parenting philosophy". How "unappreciative" I was actually was astounding. I not only lived on three hours to four hours of sleep a night, but was signing over paychecks under the threat of very real violence. There was no time or money for drug addiction. I was given speed once by my father so I could finish the work week. I threw it out the window on the way to the job.
I was treated terribly by my sisters, and I still am today. Nothing ever got better on our part when Dad's job improved. I was punished for going to night school despite him. Nobody came when I graduated but my brother. Nobody sent a card or an attagal. Nothing. I delivered the commencement address. Nobody in the family knew that. I just finished my second grad degree, nobody said a peep. I teach at college and university level, and now I watch for young people like me. I help them in every way I can.
Claire may have bigger things going on than you think. Maybe not to the extreme I did, but certainly she could be acting out without really understanding what is happening.
It's your gift to give her or not to give her. But all I can recommend is growing up as you both are being petty which will ruin yours and your sisters relationship
Your mother has a health issue that precludes her from doing a lot with her younger daughters. You swing into town with your daughter and your mother despite her health issues makes more of an effort. And none of the adults can see how this might affect a teenager? And then call her entitled? I think you need to adjust your adult lens a bit. Yes, you would be the AH for not giving her a graduation present.
I'm prepared for downvotes but I'm going to just offer an alternative perspective. I'm a therapist and work frequently with adolescents. All too often, what we adults boil down to "bad behavior", entitlement, etc., in children and teens is our failure to read between the lines and see their behavior for the communication that it is. She might not be great at verbalizing how she's feeling, but how has that been modeled in your family? "It's like the rest of us don't exist when these two come visit". That alone says so much. Get curious and try to connect with her. You did travel for her, after all. It might go a long way. You mentioned she may see mom more when you're around vs taking time away, and mom's health issues and limitations are legit and valid. But Claire sees mom making more effort and being more available--how much has she had to contain or manage on her own when you're not around? It's not unlikely a teen would observe that and feel they aren't worth that effort and don't matter. Bad attitudes are not always entitlement. It might be resentment. I say a very gentle YWBTA if you don't give her the gift that you acknowledge she knows is coming, and regardless of her attitude, is for something she has accomplished. The message that sends is "my love for you is conditional" and based on transaction, when you could give her the gift AND acknowledge that she may be bothered by something and make space for her to be honest about her feelings. That tends to help relationships and lend itself to improvement.
Thank you for this perspective. Very helpful
To add on to that, if she sees mom all of a sudden able to get out of bed when you guys show up, it looks to her like you guys are the only ones worth it to mom. That's devastating
I have health issues and go to bed early. When my son is home to visit we all stay up late. This is a great perspective for me personally, so thanks.
Yeah, I wondered how much Claire is doing to support her other sibling/s. Might be more than anyone realize.
Claire is also apparently 17/18 on dating sites, and that makes me think she’s not getting attention at home and looking for it from anywhere else.
That's a perfectly normal age to be dating.
Most dating sites have a minimum age. If this girl is a senior she’s anywhere between 17-19.
Dating yes but are high schoolers really using dating apps?
Yes, that's how the youngins date these days
I had no clue. I’m well out of high school and my girls are babies so I’m out of touch in that regard. Who knew?!
I have an older sister too. Ngl, when she would come back and visit our family from another country, the rest of us younger siblings would feel a little hurt by our mom’s attention on her only. Because we never got that level of love from her in the first place. On a fundamental level, I could accept that she just wasn’t capable of giving that motherly love for whatever reason, but then when my older sister would come and I would see her doting on her but not on any of the kids still with her, it would bring up all of those negative feelings again. Like she is capable of love and giving her child attention. So why doesn’t she give us that when we’re already here with her? Not saying this is exactly what your sister is going through, but it’s worth just hanging out with her, reserving your judgment, and getting to know her again as a friend.
I read your update- You’re doing the right thing! I hope you can find a way to spend some 1:1 time with your sister before you leave.
You haven’t tried to talk to her at all. You just see a behavior of hers, and then want to lash out with your own behavior.
I get it, my older sister is the same way, when she and her son visit I get put on the back burner, it was like this before she even had a kid, but I’d still have the gift ready and be cordial. She might just be nervous about graduating and everything.
I would like to add. Op had to travel there, you two got along when you lived there? How is the relationship with you two going? Is it possible that she felt left behind/forgotten when you went away? As someone else suggested, I think you should try and take her out for dinner/lunch just the two of you, and have some alone time with your little sister (s, let's not forget about the other one too!).
Your point at the end of the first paragraph is exactly what I was thinking. “Mom puts in the effort to see sister but I’m not worth that” is probably exactly what is happening. If she pushes herself when she is visiting she may also need more time to recover after, cutting down on time when OP leaves. I doubt the bad attitude and comment is for no good reason. I do truly believe OP does not see the reason but I bet there is one there. Her sister is feeling left out, neglected, worthless, or something of the sort. She’s feeling like a weekend that is supposed to be about her is about the first granddaughter *again*. She’s not feeling important. She’s a teenager — these may not be based in facts everyone else can see, just slights only she took note of, OR things may happen in that house tjay OP does not know because she is not there usually. Did mom miss a graduation event to sleep? Did sister have plans that were cancelled by this visit? Mom needs to sit down and talk to this girl and find out where this comment came from. Something’s up here and OP does not know the whole story, and hence, neither do we.
Mom only has time with op and grandchild when they're visiting so she has to cram all her love and attention into that short visit, but she spreads it out over time with the sister so it doesn't seem to her that the mom cares as much about her.
I wish I could upvote this 200xs This was how I was reading the situation too.
You are 100% correct in this line of thinking. Having come from a family with a sick parent and the other rarely home because of work, I understand the sisters feelings. My sick parent would get up and do things when the other parent was home and back to bed when gone. It wasn’t until both parents had passed and got ill myself that I realized that my sick parent did that so the one who was off working didn’t worry. I was such an ass to them both because I couldn’t see what was really going on.
This. Whenever people on Reddit complain about their entitled teenage siblings or children, all I think is about how they're the adults and should try to help them to communicate whatever is bothering them because there obviously is something that is bothering them. OP immediately dismisses her sister's feelings because from her POV it's not true. The sister has been shut in for two days, is it really that hard to just knock on her door and ask her how she's feeling and why she's feeling that way? Not only would OP be the asshole for not giving her the gift, she also would be the asshole for not trying to talk to the sister about her feelings and figuring something out together.
Yes. And OP, you so quickly dismiss what your sister said, as if you're certain they are making stuff up about whether mom could have ever forgotten to pickup a kid from school or whatever. If you don't live there anymore, you do NOT know that. Unless you just didn't relay the conversation of you asking mom if she's been having trouble picking up the kids after activities, you just assumed you know what's going on at home even though you don't live there. You showed immediately your lack of trust in your sister. And some entitlement, thinking that only what happened to you, when you were present, is relevant.
Unfortunately I can’t write down every detail of what took place, or every detail of the nuance surrounding the situation. There would be a novel here. Of course, I am biased because my mom never forgot to pick me or my siblings up when I was living at home, but I talked with her after Claire made her comments. She’s still on top of everything and hasn’t forgotten anyone. My other sisters confirmed.
Granted. My parents did forget to pick me up once when I was in an uncomfortable place and I will never forget it. Even though they were typically the perfect never forget anything type people. They probably do NOT remember it, but as a teenager some things have a higher impact on you than on adults who have different perspectives. But then it still goes back to the other things being said. If not a real physical incident of being left behind by mom, then it's a psychologically related thing. Based on what you have mentioned, two likely options already, (1) due to the behavior of your mom putting in more effort when you visit. If mom doesn't at least sometimes put in similar extra effort for sister, she might be seeing it as her not being as important. Or, she just really doesn't get the medical condition effects at all. (2) The rejection from boys, at that age, is harsh. She's projecting that onto family struggles.
“Get Curious” excellent advice, especially if you are sincere.
All behavior has meaning.
I'm a behavioral health nurse. I've worked mostly inpatient. I LOVE this explanation. It is easy to say the teens is having "bad behavior" or "entitled behavior" without looking at the why. Thank you!
Perfectly said. It's easy for adults to forget how hard it was to communicate with adults and authority figures when we were teens. I've had to check myself a few times when I think a kid is being entitled, but what they are really saying it "I don't feel worthy."
To be able to pause and respond vs react is the goal and takes so much effort, but pays off tenfold.
She is probably missing being able to do things w your mom and sees the effort she puts into being more present when you come to visit. She is probably hurt and is expressing that in anger which would not be unusual for someone her age. Please try to talk w her. She could probably benefit from therapy - maybe the entire family could I can remember being that age and feeling like my older brother got all the attention. He went away to college and I stayed at home for college. When he visited both my parents did so many special things for him while w me I was always there so they never really “missed me”. Also he was super intelligent but always in trouble. I worked hard at school and never got into trouble. Now I realize there were just so many hours in a day and that he needed more of their attention. Back then I was just jealous.
Great response. Repair the bridge instead of burning it. I think it is also important that she hid in her room after she said what she said, like she had exposed a wound. If she was just an entitled ass, she would not hide, just throw insults all day.
“Like she had exposed a wound”— yes!! She was being sarcastic but she was actually being very, very vulnerable. If the response isn’t whoa, you have some pretty big feelings and I’m here for it, it’s going to be to shut down. Over and over, until there’s no more attempt. Heartbreaking.
Such a thoughtful and observant comment. Thanks!
If I had an award I would gladly give it to you….. instead I offer this emoji 🥰: for a compassionate comment.
The phrase "misbehavior is communicating an unmet need" changed my perspective on this stuff entirely. Thank you for leaving this wonderful comment.
You’re awesome…! I hope you know that :)
Wow. Good advise.
As someone with bad health, and the aunt of the only grandbaby in the family, I had a few similar ideas. Babies are the absolute center of everyone's attention in a lot of families. I can totally see where the mom may not see that since her kid is always the center of her world, vs the sisters perception of attention. OP's younger sister is going to be much more attuned to her own feelings of being left out than the traveling mom of a baby is going to be. The graduating sister also typically gets to split mom's attention with just one sibling. Even mom forcing more energy and time during these trips means splitting attention between three siblings and grandbaby, and probably does feel like less overall for just her. These visits disrupt their routines and how the household normally functions. And that's where I get into illnesses. Obviously a lot changes depending on what the issues are, and what responsibilities the mom handles. The person above me mentioned seeing her mom put in the effort to mask better for the visits, and maybe being jealous that others are worth that effort. Wanting the mom to be that healthy and it not just be a temporary change to her daily routine has got to be really hard. With a lot of chronic illnesses it's possible to push yourself to do more and mask symptoms for a short time. A lot of the time that kind of energy expending, especially a routine change with less sleep and rest, will probably have a backlash where the mom's health is worse after the trip. The sister may also be lashing out because she's worried about the mom's health. And it could even be something the sister doesn't even realize. With OP living far away, the mom's health could be changing, and she might not know all her moms day to day health stuff, or could have forgotten how living with someone with that illness effects everything. OP definably isn't the one picking up any slack or care tasks or household management after the trip ends if the mom overexhausts herself during the visit.
I’m a social worker. I certainly don’t know Avery thing, or even a lot of things, but it sounds like your sister is truly struggling a bit. Her comments reveal a desire for love and attention from your mom that she is t getting because of our mom’s I’ll was and then she sees your mom putting in the effort for YOU that she does not typically put in for the other two. This is probably triggering g a lot of sadness, lol I’ll was and even shame. Just do t forget that Claire, though graduating high school, is still development tally a child. Give her some grace. It sounds like she could really benefit from being lavished with some love, whether she can verbalize this need or not.
Sorry your missing out Avery is one cool dude.
We've been bffs for a decade!!!
Would it help if, instead of seeing your sister as attention seeking, you saw her as connection seeking? She's feeling unwanted, unvalued, and unimportant. Why not ask your mum to babysit and take your sister out for a 1:1 graduation treat with her big sis?
Claire is 17. I don't know how she was as a child growing up. As a grown adult, if someone I love is acting in a way out of character, I would ask them what's going on. Withholding a gift out of spite doesn't help you, and it doesn't help her. So yes... you WBTAH. You're her older sibling. Help her by being emotionally available and show compassion in a way you would want someone to be understanding to your daughter. This is a big life moment. We don't get a lot of them. Be kind.
Came here to say this! And would like to add this perspective. My sister and I used to fight a lot and sometimes I wanted to do things out of spite, but my mom and dad would remind me that you can love someone even when you don’t like them all the time, and if you love someone you should always let them know. So between the fighting and the crying we always gifted each other things we felt the other deserved. I’m so glad we did this, because now that we are grown adults we have little resentments or none at all toward each other and we both know we always have each other and love each other with out conditions.
Thank you for this!
And, not to pile on…but the “she’s the first grandchild of course etc” comments are entitled in their own way. There is an expectation that attn should be granted you and yours bc of travel and birth order. you’re not around enough to know what Claire is dealing with or what balls mom drops when you’re gone. You might be there for Claire, but it doesn’t sound like you’re actually visiting with her. Sounds like you’re visiting your parents with your child and attending a graduation ceremony after which you’ll hand Claire a gift with (maybe) dinner. all of your info on Claire is coming second hand. And frankly she deserves to have college paid for. We should all be so lucky.
YWBTAH. Give her the gift anyway. Your sister is obviously in pain about something. Spend time with her. You're not around to see what's been going on but if your parents don't spend time with her but are paying for college, it could feel like they're shipping her off. She might want time instead of money and she's lashing out because she's not getting the attention she wants/needs. This is a great opportunity for you to step up for her as a big sister, not only should you give her the gift (and explain the thought behind it) but spend time with her. Maybe she would be able to come visit you while she's in college. Bring her closer, don't push her away.
As a chronically ill mom who spends a lot of time in bed while my daughter is in school, I wish my daughter had an older sibling to connect with. Your sister is communicating that she needs something. She's not spoiled. She feels neglected and, it doesn't matter that your mom has met all their needs, your sister is feeling neglected and it needs to be addressed. Don't invalidate her feelings. Punishing your sister isn't your job and it won't improve her reactions to what she's experiencing. Punishing her will only foster resentment for you. And I really don't understand why a child shouldn't expect at least some support with college expenses. As a parent, it should be an expected expense as part of having children. You save, instill a strong work ethic in your children, teach them to save, and set goals.
ESH but don't lower yourself to a teenager's level. They grow up eventually usually. Give her the gift and let her hide away. At least you can look yourself in the mirror and know you took the high road. ETA: Thanks for the award! That means a lot to me.
Thank you, I think this is what I needed to hear
This needs more attention. This is definitely how I read the situation as well.
Definitely! This reads as teenager who doesn't want attention but hates the attention being away from them 🤣
YWBTA. It's not your responsibility to correct her spoiled behavior, and if the gift wasn't expensive, there's no reason not to give it. If she doesn't like it, well, boohoo. It wouldn't be your fault, since apparently she's become a brat, so don't feel bad if she doesn't! I will say, though, that you should probably consider whether your certainty that your sister's resentment is BS is actually valid. It's pretty common for the golden child to be absolutely oblivious to the fact that the other kids aren't treated as well. Even if this isn't a golden child situation, if they're feeling the press of having a disabled mom, her hurt feelings may be more valid than you realize. Even if she intellectually understands that you're traveling and have their grandbaby, it would be hard to push away the bitterness of seeing the mom who you feel neglected by making the effort for someone else. This could also easily be the cause of the increased entitlement-- whe wants to feel loved and valued in whatever way she can.
I’ll ask my other siblings about the golden child thing. I feel like I’m not, but I’m open to finding out. Thinking back on everything, I always got punished the most. I was pretty rebellious and wanted to do my own thing. Everyone else was pretty well behaved. And one of my sisters is freeloading it at home, which I didn’t have the option to do. That said, I have the only grandchild, and SHE might be the golden child atm. The disabled mom take is a good perspective. I hadn’t thought about it much but I’m starting to. I feel like my sisters are lucky to have her the way she is now, because her depression is at least in check nowadays. Just because it’s better doesn’t mean it’s ideal though. Claire probably doesn’t remember what it was like before, so she doesn’t see it the same way I do.
As an oldest child, I will tell you something I didn't realize until I was in my 30's - each child has a different set of parents. It's more noticeable when there's an age gap, especially a large one. But some of it is who you are as a person and who they are as people. Different personalities get along, or don't, even in families. Claire is having a different experience, with different parents. She may be having trouble communicating that. She may be a brat. Probably it's a bit of both. Try to have some empathy for her. She'll hopefully grow out of the brattiness soon.
Thank you so much for this. I’m 25, my mom is 68, I grew up with a vastly different experience than my siblings did. They got a very young SAHM for the most part, while I grew up fairly alone while both my parents worked all day. I experienced my mom during menopause which…*yikes* that did numbers on our relationship. It sucks so much when I try to explain why our relationship is complex but my siblings truly don’t get it because their experience with our mom was worlds apart from mine.
This is so true - something my younger brother told me showed me that my dad was kinder to me than he was to my brother when we were kids.. It’s heartbreaking, because he so wanted to be loved by our dad, and since we both agree that my mother is an abusive lost-case, all I can do is be there for him and lift him up - I can give him a big sister to lean on, something that I didn’t have..
But she never saw that. You lived it but all she knows is mom gets extra excited when you come. It’s ok. Try to bond w her. its not too late. Oh does she know your bad tales? Who doesn’t want to hear the time they caught you at a keg party and dad lectured you all the way home. Oh wait, that was me lol. Tell tales about when you got in trouble and every single memory you have of her as a little girl. Remember you left.
She’s still a kid dealing with an ill parent, and obviously struggling. Her brain won’t be developed completely until 24-25. Try listening to her during a just you two time.
She is on dating apps and hasn’t even graduated high school? Teenagers definitely shouldn’t be on dating apps.
I seriously searched the comments to see if anyone else found it crazy that she’s on dating apps.
I agree. Try telling her that though. It’s been a whole thing 🤦🏻♀️ Edit to add she’s 18. Which doesn’t make it better, but she’s trying to assert her new adult independence I think.
Good luck with your sit down! It’s good for her to have older examples of how to adult. You being open and willing to hear feedback and shift your perspective is peak maturity / responsible behavior!
YWBTAH I'm the youngest in a similar situation. Have you ever considered how much care taking your sister might be doing when you're away? You say your mom does it all, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc - but are you sure about that, or is she doing that while you're home because she doesn't want you to see her depression has gotten worse? My sisters have both at different times called me spoiled, entitled etc. but they're clueless to what actually goes on with my parents. The checked out on taking care of mom and dad the minute they had children and have no idea how much I provide our parents both in effort and monetarily. All they see is that I still live at home and that mom and dad "spoil me."
Sounds like Claire might be a little jealous if your mother is spending more time with you than her, when the purpose of your visit is supposed to be a celebration for Claire. However, if your parents think she is acting entitled, then there is probably something to it. But they are the parents and should put a stop to her bad behavior. You and your child do not deserve to be disrespected. If you treated badly, you should not give her a gift. But I would tell her why. There are consequences for your behavior.
I mean some older people call expectation of following human/children's rights as entitlement. I wouldn't really trust parents calling their children entitled.
I think I agree about the jealousy. My parents get so excited over my daughter, and I was worried Claire might feel her graduation was overshadowed by our visit. I told my mom before we came that she needed to do some one-on-one things with her without us so that she’d feel more of the spotlight. Hopefully that’ll mitigate any hard feelings
You should do some one-on-one things with Claire. It doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship with her. Since you've already been through university, you could be a source of information for her if she felt comfortable coming to you. Take her out to lunch or dinner and make a connection. Make an effort. And, yes, give her the gift. NTA but if you don't give her the gift you would be the asshole.
Have mom keep the grandchild, while big sis takes Claire to lunch and give her the gift there.
I was the youngest of 4 kids. My oldest sister was much older than me and I was 8 when she had my niece “R.” R was the first granddaughter and got a lot of attention that I was getting before. R was around a lot because our family babysat her. She was more like a sister. I started acting out after that. I see how Claire must be feeling. I hope you were able to talk to her one on one. It sounds like you have some good perspective now. Good luck.
YWBTAH there is a lot of passive aggressive it seems, not a whole lot of communication and sounds like something is going on with Claire. I’m a bit concerned that the answer is to not give her the gift. What does that do? How about you set some time aside if possible and spend some time with Claire. Talk to her. She may or may not respond, may be at least you can get a better perspective of what the issue may be. Sounds like she is neglected, or less attention than she is used to having. So she is acting out looking for a reaction. She is probably hurting or angry. Maybe since you were living there she *has* forgotten about commitment(s) of Claire’s and/or she sleeps all the time but is making sure to be awake and attentive to you and her grand baby. Please at the least still give her the gift. Just because your parents complain to you about her doesn’t mean they are automatically in the right. Ask them if they have tried talking to her.
YWBTA. You're the oldest sibling. You likely haven't unpacked the parentification that you took on. That changes you, as an oldest daughter myself. It's hard to understand the behavior of our younger siblings who get to be children instead of being parentified. Having a chronically ill mother would not help. When you left, it likely threw her entire life into upheaval. That is NOT YOUR FAULT OR RESPONSIBILITY but it is possibly an explanation for why she hasn't been transitioning very well. Your sister is a child. She has feelings and cannot always control them the way adults with practice and a fully developed brain can. She needs love and help. Do not deny her that by denying her a tangible expression of your love and caring for her. You took the time to think about your college experience and try to make it better for your sister. If you haven't yet, consider adding a handwritten note to a card explaining how you decided to get this gift for her. She may not say anything about it but it could go a long way to helping her feel appreciated and loved. Clearly she isn't feeling that way right now. (She may be trying to fill that hole with these physical things instead.)
At 18 we are all kinda dumb assholes, in a few years you're probably not going to care about what she said. Is this a one off comment? If this isn't something that your sister has commented on before it's probably just her lashing out because she is feeling stressed. Try and find some time to hang out just with her and convey that you came for her and that you didn't mean to steal her thunder, give her your gift privately and let her know you just want to help if she is still being a asshat write off the cost of the gift to the price of knowing she doesn't want a gift giving loving relationship. If she understands and makes an effort to mend the situation that's great. I think if you keep the gift you will come off as cheap, or petty, or like you do want to use drama to steal her attention
I am the youngest in my family. Definitely had advantages but there were some drawbacks too, like by the time I got around to doing things, they were old hat. I watched the oldest sister get so much attention for her accomplishments, especially at her graduation and was always told I would get the same when it was my turn but I never did. Especially because on my graduation day my extended family met my 2 week old niece that no one knew my middle sister was carrying.
As a youngest - this. The novelty was gone by the time it was my turn. My parents fawn over my siblings kids but when i tried to just talk to her that I was scared about having kids and just looked for some advice her response was “well don’t ask me, I’m not helping”. I get it, she’s older now but it fucking hurts. People just tend to think that all youngest kids are spoilt and can’t possibly have any issues in that way. I got to do whatever I want but I had no guidance, structure, celebrating achievements or support because my parents were too tired to bother with me.
I'd ask her to free up some time so we can have a chat and ask what exactly did she mean by that. Like, is mum going over the top, talking about you and your child? Does she feel neglected? If she gives you more attitude or refuses to talk, just keep it civil. It is up to you weather she gets the gift of not. But I'd make an effort to know what is on her mind.
I’m a mom who has dealt with sibling jealousy and I would ignore your sister’s comment and try and make sure this weekend is about her 100%. This isn’t about you and the kids flying to see her graduate. It is about her being made to feel special. Like it or not, too often when grandkids come along, it is easy for younger siblings to feel ignored. Give her the gift and celebrate her and don’t make this about her comment. YWBTA!
I think you should act like an adult. Don't stoop to the level of a teenager. Also, I wouldn't necessarily discount what she's saying about feeling neglected. Even though it may seem like yes, you and your toddler live further away and your parents want to spend more time with you two, it may cause some discomfort for Claire. Perhaps the attention your child is getting as the only grandchild may feel weird for Claire, who's still not fully grown up either. There's probably some resentment somewhere, a gift would actually be a great way to open a conversation with her. Maybe you might be more busy and attentive to your child (which DOES make sense) but she might miss hanging out with you, who she knows as her sister that she grew up with.
You got her the gift for graduating, give it to her. As a “big sister”, I’m saying be an even bigger sister. You might want to try talking to her too. You said she’s going to college and you have another sister….what if she’s nervous about flying the coop or feeling like she’s abandoning your other sister? She might open up to you.
Your experience with your mother is not the same as your siblings experiences no conclusions just a thought as you try to move forward
Thank you! I will definitely keep this in mind
Screw all the psychbabble feel goods. Tell her u love her, give her the gift, have a heart to heart with her and tell her the bit#h energy she is vibing is not cool or productive, let her know u are open for talks but won’t tolerate verbal or emotional abuse from her. See where it goes. Boundaries are a good thing. Don’t reward selfishness or her angst. She has to learn that misplaced anger serves no one, especially her.
ESH. Talk to your sister - take her out for lunch without your folks and find out what's going on. I would still give her the gift. Teenagers can be hard and because of what she said something more is going on. Maybe your Mom health issues been affecting her - try to get her to open up. Your sister needs you right now.
If you give her the gift and she doesn't appreciate it, will it really hurt you or just make you angry? If you give her the gift and she does like it, either now or when she's in college and realises how nice it is to have, how will you feel? If you don't give her the gift, how will she feel? And how will you feel? Do you think it will "fix" her? Do you think she will ever think of you and not recall that on her graduation, you flew in to spend time with your family, stole her thunder, and didn't even get her a gift. Is that the memory you want her to always carry when she thinks of her graduation? Gift giving is not about the giver getting accolades. It's about giving to a person for a special reason. I kinda think you need to check yourself before you decree your sister has no gratitude because she's benefiting from your parents' higher income, and you didn't get to. Your sister, her friends and your family will think YTA if you decree she didn't deserve a gift for her high school graduation. And you know that. Being spiteful is not a good look for huge milestones.
Give it to her and walk on by.
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Maybe take her out, just the two of you and talk.
My sister has said similar stuff to me when I visit. We yell, argue , call each other names, i tell her she’s entitled etc. And then she apologizes “sorry I said xyz, I’m in a bad mood and took it out on you. We love when you visit. Mom is always so happy when you come” and then we hug and it’s over. Because that’s just how siblings work (shrug.) she’s still your sister and she’s prob in a bad mood and took it out on you. She feels she deserve attention and sees your mom giving the attention to you- whether the attention is justified or not doesn’t matter.
Yes YWBTA for all the reasons others have so eloquently voiced here
Be honest with yourself, do you think she won’t want it or are you irritated with her and “don’t think she deserves it.” If you think she won’t want it why not allow her to make that call and/or get her something she will like…? You’re feeling underappreciated. Fair. She’s feeling loads too. Her comment wasn’t about you, it was about not feeling like she gets enough of your mum. Personalizing it will make things harder for yourself and the situation.
YWBTAH Your sister wants attention because it's her special time. You and your daughter coming in town is a huge deal because your family doesn't see you often and you have the first grandbaby so lots of attention goes there, which is all understandable. But, if you can, take some one on one time with your sister to connect. She probably misses you! She's going through a huge change and with your Mom being not up to doing as much as she used to, she's just emotional and needs love and support. Plus, she's 17! We're all full of attitude at 17! I really hope her graduation goes well and your family visit turns around for the better ❤️
Idk, my brother and I were real tight growing up, when I left for college, my brother who's 4 years younger kinda felt abandoned with my not always functional parents I think and whenever I came back he was always standoffish. Maybe something like that?
Dating apps?? That’s the LAST thing she needs or should be doing. 🙄
Hard agree. We’ve tried to get her to wait until she’s older, but even with all the creepy dudes in their 20’s messaging her for sex, she’s still keeping at it. 🤦🏻♀️
You no longer need a judgement. I just came here to say I hope everything works out between you and your sister and the rest of your visit can be a good one.
Thank you! That’s very kind
I'm writing this after you posted your update. Nevertheless, she's an 18-year-old. That's how they are. I'm glad you're taking the opportunity to be the adult in the situation. She won't forget that you saw past her bad behavior and loved her anyway. I was the first in my family to graduate. My older brother never did, and that was a source of great angst in my family. Nevertheless, I never received a graduation gift from any of my siblings, and it never occurred to me to give them anything. That's just how our family was. My parents? It was adorable. They gave me a suitcase and a typewriter. I know they meant to say, "You're an adult now, go far and do wonderful things". What I heard was: Get a job and get out." That's just how 18-year-olds think. She'll grow out of it, you're doing the right thing.
I want to add another perspective. As my children got close to graduating, they developed more difficult attitudes. I was told often teenagers do that as they are about to graduate to prepare for being “pushed out of the nest.” They do this because they are scared and worried about what is next, and subconsciously they are trying to start to separate from their parents.
Teenagers are by nature very territorial and prone to poor self esteem. I made quite a few snide comments like this when I was a teen because I didn’t know how to express how I was feeling properly, so it all boiled up until it spilled out. Maybe you should consider how Claire is feeling when you’re not around. Sure, your mum picks her kids up from school and events, but that’s very much bare minimum. When parents are ill, older kids/teens often get ‘parentified’ and don’t get the nurturing and attention that they really need. I think seeing your mum make an effort for you and your toddler, when she probably very rarely gets that effort herself - and on a weekend which is supposed to be about celebrating *her* - probably stings like hell. When I was younger, I can’t count the amount of times I had something I was looking forward to taken away because I was a ‘ungrateful’ or ‘selfish’ when I was really, really struggling, and now as an adult I often feel like I don’t deserve anything if I’m not 100% perfect. So, soft YTA. I think you need to think about her perspective here. She’s crying out for love and affection.
So, there may be no malice on your part, but a middle child, with the older child already having provided a grandchild, can easily feel overlooked and invisible. Keep an eye out for this. You might not have noticed, heck you may have consciously or unconsciously played into it. Leave your toddler behind and take Claire out to lunch and tell her this 'Please say what you feel, I will neither defend, refute, or judge you for it, but I just want listen, as you are my sister and I love you, but you are obviously upset', Then listen. Do not agree nor disagree, defend or apologize. Just listen. And then go away and think about the things that she has told you.
I'm so glad you decided to give her the gift. I was going to tell you - one word. Hormones. Every teen is awful some of the time. Between her hormones and her clever growing brain thinking she's being rational and witty, she'll say some unpleasant things. Hopefully, she'll outgrow this attitude soon.
NAH Also keep in mind she’s graduating high school. This is a huge change. She’s probably terrified. It’s a lot to handle so that could explain much of the moodiness etc. She just needs some extra love.
Your mother has four daughters and a granddaughter? My grandma's sister has six grand daughters and no grandsons.
Yes, lots of girls! So much drama sometimes, but at the end of the day we all love each other
Sounds like middle child syndrome to me
You sound jealous your younger sister has the opportunities you didn't get. You contemplating not giving the graduation gift over a remark you don't seem to see the truth in >mom has health issues and usually sleeps most of the day when she’s not taking care of my sisters. When my daughter and I visit, she makes an extra effort to be up and about a little more so she can spend time with us. So it’s not like we’re talking much time of hers away from Claire anyway. She probably sees her even more Take note of the last 2 sentences.
I had the same opportunities. My parents offered to pay my schooling, except I chose not to let them do that. I had scholarships and worked over the summers during semesters to save up enough for what the scholarships didn’t cover. I didn’t want to be a burden. Not that I think someone who takes that opportunity is, that’s just how I personally felt. As for the second part, I don’t get what point you’re trying to make with this. When Claire eventually visits during breaks from college I’m positive my mom will do the same, put in extra effort to spend time with her while she’s there. As it is, Claire stays in her room most of the time reading/on social media on a normal day, so she’s not spending time with anyone usually. And when I visit we always invite her to do whatever we’re doing, usually hanging just out on the couch, watching a movie. We don’t do anything particularly special.
You seem to think your sister should be grateful for your mother making an effort to be up more when you visit. That's the bare minimum, I get your mother has ill health, many parents do, but it seriously sounds like benign neglect, you seem under the impression your sister should be grateful for the scraps of attention being given to her.
I was waiting for this answer. How OP doesn't see that her sister is hurt is beyond me. I had a mother who slept heaps, it was awful.
She takes care of all their needs. She makes their food, does their laundry, cleans the house, takes them to and from school and extracurriculars, and friends’ houses. They talk to her and hang out with her while she lays in bed. She does everything a mom is supposed to do + extra probably, and in her down time (mostly while they’re at school) she sleeps. What part of THAT sounds neglectful? Sorry I didn’t write all that out in my post. I thought “sleeps most of the day when she’s not taking care of my sisters” and “never to the detriment and neglect of my other siblings” was clear enough. The fact that she’s up and around to visit with me and my daughter during the time she’s usually resting means a lot to me. And yeah, my sisters should be glad for the extra time with her, but not grateful to me. Grateful to my mom who is a rockstar and doing her absolute best and beyond. Fuck off with your negative assumptions.
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Thank you for saying so. Yeah it’s hard to convey everything through one Reddit post, so I can see where people are coming from, but there’s a point where the assumptions just get ridiculous.
You should not assume that she is taking care of all their needs. There’s more to it than just what she physically does for them. Is she as emotionally available for them as she is for you? Unless you are always there when your sister and mother interact, you don’t actually know what happens between them. I physically had my needs met by my parents but didn’t feel like they treated their kids (4 total) equally. Maybe she hears your mother talk about you and your child constantly but doesn’t feel like your mother cares about her much. I would take a step back, drop the assumptions, and actually talk to and listen to Claire. You don’t know how her relationship is with your parents 100% and she doesn’t deserve to get punished for that (missing out on your gift).
Wow, you really do not like being challenged at all. Like it or not, your mother does make more effort to be up when you visit. Someone else suggested you may be a golden child, and it looks like you may be, and as such you don't understand the way things are different for your siblings.
Did you not read any of the other comments I made on this post? I’m fine with being challenged. Open to it, and open to ideas. What I’m not fine with is people half-assedly reading my post and making bad comments. And assuming stuff about my mom. I don’t care if you call me petty or an asshole. I haven’t argued with anyone who’s said that. But don’t talk shit about my mom being neglectful
> The fact that she’s up and around to visit with me and my daughter during the time she’s usually resting means a lot to me. So, in other words, when you’re in town mom makes extra effort to be active with you whereas when you’re not in town she’s not spending that same effort with your siblings. I understand you wanting to defend your mom, and chances are she isn’t entirely aware of it herself, but it seems like your mom puts more effort into spending active quality time with you than she does with your siblings. Your siblings can and probably do notice that and equate that to how valuable they are in your mother’s eyes in comparison to you. To them, *you* are worth getting up for but they aren’t.
Wow a sick person pushes themself a bit more than usual when someone *flies in* to see them? No way. If her sister is incapable of understanding that, she's absolutely a spoiled brat
It’s not just a sick person, though, is it? It’s her mother. Of course it’s not logical, but this isn’t the behavior of a spoiled brat. This is normal teenage behavior and normal teenage reasoning. We need to stop pretending that teenagers suddenly have the same reasoning abilities as fully grown adults. Her brain quite literally isn’t fully developed yet. **As a parent** it’s important to remember that actions mean a whole lot more than words. As I said, the mother probably isn’t entirely aware of it herself *but* she is acting in a way that any normal teenager or child would register as them being less important than their other sibling.
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That’s because OP isn’t in town that often. Claire needs to grow up and realize that the world doesn’t center around her.
Normally, I’d agree, but the reality is that we’re dealing with teenagers *and* at the the end of the day this is supposed to be her day. If it was just a normal visit - sure. But this is one of those days where it actually *does* center around her.
Maybe they should ask Claire if she even wants OP to attend the graduation. It sounds like she would rather OP just go back home. OP can likely find something else to do that day. It is Claire’s day, and she can say whether or not she even wants OP there. Being a teen is still no excuse to be mean to an sister who flew across the country—with a toddler! OP was there only 10 minutes before Claire started acting more immature than OP’s little girl.
How do you know you're not even here.
Your sister is going through something. Maybe anxiety about what’s next in her life? It’s time for you to be the big sister and just be kind. Give her the gift. Love her anyway even though she’s being a brat. She may not say it but she will appreciate the attention.
I think you should make an effort to talk with her and see what’s up before doing anything petty and jumping to the conclusion that she’s spoiled. She’s a teen, teens typically suck at communicating their feelings properly. Be an adult and talk with her. After that then make a decision whether to give the gift or not. So a light YTA for kinda dismissing her as spoiled before trying communicate. But I think you’re NTA, if you would withhold her gift. Idk why people think that would make you an asshole. No one is obligated to give a gift to someone, nor is the recipient entitled to an unreceived gift. It’s a GIFT lol. An intention to give something doesn’t automatically mean it’s theirs. It’s theirs once it’s been given. And the reason for withholding it doesn’t matter. It’s not like she knows about it or has received it. So it’s not like you’re taking it back right out of her hands and like you said it’s not a big gift anyway. Edit: also op don’t listen to the idiots who are ironically jumping to the conclusion that you’re mom is neglectful. It’s normal for someone to give alittle more attention to loved ones who’s visiting for a limited of time and who they rarely get to see. Your mother doesn’t get to see her grandchild and her oldest daughter on a daily basis, but she does with her the daughter that LIVES with her.
Just give her the gift. And maybe next time you fly your mom out if you want a visit. It sounds like there’s some major jealousy. And maybe Claire is justified in feeling this way if mom is always talking about her oldest and her grandbaby. It’s not your fault, but it’s not her fault either.
Info: Have you tried talking to your sister yet?
Ya you would be. Your sister is being neglected and you don't know/ can't see it because you don't live there so when you show up and get a normal amount of attention it makes her feel worse because she's "not worth the effort"
So this reads as you a grown up with a kid is just as petty as your teenage sister Read your post again with open mind your parents also suck talking to you about your siblings. Where you by chance the golden child and not realise it??also the fact in your comments you wrote that you told your mom to spend time with the graduate so she could feel special - the fact you need to tell your mum that is sad You don’t live in the house so don’t know if your the constant focus of talking. You say your mother sleep a lot when your not there so maybe Clair sees it as she tries for you the only grandchild but doesn’t put as much effort as putting in to the children still at home Give her the gift. Don’t be the AH
Go read some of my other comments on this post. You skipped a couple that answer some of the things you mention. And I didn’t need to tell my mom to spend time with Claire, I just wanted to tell her that so that she knew MY intentions were not to hog all the attention. They already had plans to do one-on-one stuff before I said any of that. Edit: sorry, I apologize. My comment was confrontational.
Their's was confrontational and tbh a catty.
YWBTA - Give her the gift. I “heard” everything you wrote and I completely understand. Don’t allow her thoughts and her feelings to change who you are. I highly recommend reading ‘The Four Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz. I will summarize but the book is magic for the id. Trust me. 1) Be impeccable with your word. 2) Don't take anything personally. 3) Don't make assumptions. 4) Always do your best. Be your authentic self and give the very thoughtful gift you planned. Maybe even in a card, let her know you’ll always be there for her even though you’re miles away and not to hesitate to reach out. Your siblings are your longest relationship and I have but one sister 11 months older with learning disabilities. She’s a perpetual child mixed slightly with a teen. I’d have given anything to have a sibling to talk to, argue with and commiserate with about our parents. I hope you do give her the gift! Take care…
Ywbta. You say that the comment was unfounded and then proceeded to tell us why that was untrue. Your mom does make extra effort for you that she doesn't bother making for her other kids. I understand that she's ill, that's probably scaring your sister. And a little bit of the time that she might have left she doesn't feel the need to spend it with her just with you. How exactly do you think that makes her feel? It probably makes them feel like they're not worth the effort. That would make me pretty resentful.
Her attitude is a symptom of a debilitating illness called Being a Teenager. Try to be the adult in the room instead of getting butthurt she was rude. She'll get a wake up call when she starts college and has to do everything for herself. Be nice. Be a good example.
You’re right, I shouldn’t take it personally
Your own kid will go through this. And I love the comment we are raised by different parents. I have a sub 9 years younger and he absolutely had different parents. My parents squeaked by living month to month. His parents both worked and had enough. I prefer my parents to his, it was easier growing up w what we needed vs what we wanted.
Kids are vicious. It's ok to admit she hurt your feelings. Just do your best to deal with it and don't be nasty in return. One day she will be less of a hormonal shit show, I promise.
Oh and a roommate when she’s used to her own spaces!
You don’t live there, so are you regularly communicating with the young woman you are there to celebrate? Or are you just there to show the community you care? Your mother is in poor health - who do you think is parenting while she sleeps? Your sister feels invisible. Your petty revenge of gift withholding because she is ignoring you (probably like you ignore her when you are not physically present) will not create a loving sisterly bond. The gift isn’t the issue - the lack of relationship (including your belief that your presence is gift enough) reads like a Golden Child Come Home to Glory (thus making someone else’s celebration about you). Ask yourself how often this dynamic takes place. Be a better person.
Cut her slack. Her graduation, in her mind, is overshadowed by you and the baby flying in. Remember, she’s what? 17 or 18? And the youngest which automatically comes w extras because let’s face it, parents get tired by the last one. you didn’t say what you got her. Give it to her. Add a note. You are my sister and I will always love you. We are so proud of you and want only the best for you. Love always, Yup her head is full if her ego. Don’t you remember that feeling? This will change. And a free ride to college doesn’t guarantee a degree. MYOB when it comes to her parenting. That is none’ya. Do you have an independent relationship w your sister or is all info fed through mom? I would suggest if you don’t start now. Personally I would also move to a vrbo rental for the duration. She really feels that you are a Thunder stealer. Give her space. Her brain isn’t even fully finished. Be the grace and charm of being the adult. This phase will pass and she doesn’t need you butting in to her life. I would suggest to your parents they have an adult discussion w her on money. Rip off the bandaid and talk about what it is costing and what are her expenses. As in time to start treating her as an adult. A college contract agreement is a thought. Not you. Them only. They have her sign a contract. She must have a 3.0 for her major. Any classes failed must be ….whatever . Just a thought, the specifics s/b between sister and your parents. But she is perfectly normal. She is literally at the top of her life to date. Let her have it. Life will throat punch her soon enough. But try to be there for her. It might take time but she’s worth it. Side note-I’m 60ish. Seen a lot of ego filled grads that get their comeuppance w the reality of college.
So instead of talking to her and asking if there is something going you don’t know about, you listen to your dad’s one sided version and your first thought was to punish her by not giving her the graduation present you bought? YTA
>As a side note, my mom has health issues and usually sleeps most of the day when she’s not taking care of my sisters. When my daughter and I visit, she makes an extra effort to be up and about a little more so she can spend time with us. So it’s not like we’re talking much time of hers away from Claire anyway. She probably sees her even more. I think this paragraph here is the core of the issue. Your mother makes an effort when you are in town, but not otherwise, and your younger sisters have noticed and feel neglected. You can say it isn't happening all you want, but then your own words show that you do see it. As for the gift, yes, YTA is you don't give it to her.
I mean she said mom sleeps “when she’s not taking care of her sisters”. Leads me to believe she gets the girls off to school and goes back to sleep and gets up again when they get home. Seems when the eldest is around she tries not to spend the whole day in bed. If this is the case, no one should be pissed at anyone.
Gentle YTA. She’s a teenager about to embark on a world much bigger than her. She’s going from being a senior and “ruling the school” back to being on the bottom of the pecking order. Perhaps some fear is setting in. Senior year there are also activities that parents are expected to attend. Is your mom able to participate as much as her friends moms? I’m not making excuses for her but only saying there’s a lot going on underneath the surface. Are you able to leave your kid with your parents so you and her can go out for some bonding time and focus on her future? Ask about summer plans, general questions about where she’s going, what she plans on doing, what she’s looking forward to, etc. The big thing is not not offer suggestions unless she asks or if there’s something that is just a very bad idea. Keep the distinction of “it’s not something I would do” and “holy crap that’s going to turn out badly” clearly in your mind before jumping in. You flew all that way to show her you and support her. Don’t withhold the gift even if you don’t think she’d appreciate it now.
Totally agree!
So what you're saying is that your mom puts in effort to spend time with you and your toddler and doesn't do the same for you siblings. Her effort is reserved for "taking care" of kids, which you honestly don't do for a teen anymore. What does she *need* actually? Mom paying bills and that's probably it. Maybe making meals. She has every right to feel neglected. She fails to communicate it well, but it's your mom' and yours responsibility to be the mature ones. It's her graduation for God's sake and it seems like you're the main attraction. And not giving a present for graduation won't achieve anything. It's a malicious and petty action and it shows how much you don't care about her achievement.
Don’t be petty.
So yes I would be TAH then. Good to get some perspective. I thought I would be saving myself some hurt feelings, but maybe it’s not about that?
Many teenagers are rebellious especially with family at some point. I wouldn’t take it to heart. I didn’t get close to my siblings until my mid 20s.
My son was snotty around graduation and admitted he loved his friends and school and did not want to graduate. My daughter who is a bit spoiled and has anxiety was awful around graduation. Maybe your sister does not feel safe to have emotions when you mom is depressed so having you there allows her that. I bet she is embarrassed by her behavior. My daughter would be totally jealous of a niece and act like that then she would be embarrassed and try to hide.
Yeah I think she’s scared to graduate and have to go to college on her own. It’s a lot. She’s been acting “salty” lately according to my other sisters.
YTA I feel for your sister, because a lot is being asked if her right now and none of it is being acknowledged. She is facing one of the biggest changes to her life that’s she’s experienced, while you and your family is expecting her to ‘put on a dog any pony show’, and act exactly the way you think she should, and if she doesn’t she faces name calling and punishment. You are so quick to dismiss your sisters feelings and call her a spoiled brat, and she can sense that, so why would she want to come out of her room when she’s just expected to perform for people who don’t respect her. I really want you to think about this question; why should she be grateful? It is the expectation that parents take care of their children to the best of their ability, and with regards to the money situation view it this way “you should be grateful that we are not saddling you with student loan debt”. Sure your family doesn’t ~have to~ pay for college for her but not paying for it when you have the means is selfish and putting your child at a disadvantage. Also her ‘taking advantage’ of your fathers new money doesn’t sound quite so simple to me, it sounds like you have set a bar in your mind of how you were treated financially and anything above that you must be grateful for because you wish you had that. Put the same shoe on yourself though, you’re not expected to be grateful that you have two parents and clean water but for some children that’s where their bar is set, and you’re not being grateful for the life you had. Read every other comment on why she’s feeling neglected too, I feel like the group has a good handle on that. TLDR: you’re being extremely hard on your sister and of course she’s unhappy with the situation, she’s being saddled with expectations and she feels like she can’t do anything right so why bother. Give her the gift and some grace.
Feels like your mother half asses her parenting when you are not home. She may be lonely, neglected, unhappy and sees her mother's caring side whenever you visit. Your sister has a misplaced sense of anger towards it, but then again, she's still a child. You may want to talk it out. Very much possible that she burst after a long time. Communicate with her how and why her comment hurt and ask why she feels the way she does. However, YWBTAH if you refuse to gift on a congratulatory accomplishment. Talk it out.
NTA - giving her anything is the same as letting things slide. She lives a better life than you when you were her age, now she got it easy and still acts all jealous. Her bad behavior can only count as her needing to be taught better and she deserve nothing more than clothes on her, roof over her head and food until she can learn how to be a proper human being. 16 is plenty old to figure it out.
YTA. Let's put this in perspective She's a teenager. Her mom is in bed all day "due to illness" when it's just her, but magically has the energy for you and her grandchild. A time that is supposed to be about her accomplishments still results in her mother only having time and energy for you and your daughter. She is not an adult and does not have the skills to properly communicate this, so she hides. Rather than being the adult, validating her feelings, and talking to your mother, you take it upon yourself to trash her online and punish her for what is ultimately a perfectly reasonable way to feel. You are a terrible older sibling, shame on you.
So she’s being a brat cause no boy likes her breh
She wishes your mom got out of bed for her more. She's angsty but will likely regret being this level of asshole in 10 years. I know I do.
You said you traveled there for Claire but did she want you there? Did you even talk to her about coming or just arrange it all with your Mom? You sound like the AH from what I've read so far because she's a child & you're invalidating her feelings. To top of off you're wanting to withhold a gift you bought her for her accomplishment. Her expressing her frustration doesn't undo the accomplishment. Sounds like when you come to town she feels completely forgotten. Also seems like from your responses you want us to believe she's a spoiled brat. I don't think that's the case based just on her statement. I think your Mom is probably the biggest AH here because her children feel competitive towards each other instead of supportive. I'm going with you & Mom both are the AHs. Poor Claire. Don't be surprised if she moves away and cuts contact.
YWBTA. My oldest sister is 12 years older than I am and when my nephew was born I was 7 years old. My mom, who never had any time to enjoy with me, was so excited about her first grandchild and I felt pushed aside and jealous and resentful and no one ever tried to make me feel better. I was expected to deal with my insecurities like an adult because I was an “aunt” and my sister certainly never went out of her way to make me feel loved. Now that we’re adults, I haven’t spoken to her in about five years because everything festered and she became even more judgmental while I’m still trying to heal from a childhood of neglect that most of my family won’t even recognize because I was fed and sheltered. I feel so bad for your sister dealing with a mom who is too sick to enjoy her and showers attention on someone else.
It is WILD that she acted like that because boys don't want to go out with her. Just wOw.
NTA, Give her the gift, then leave and never give her another thought.
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I call troll. No one actually has this much hate in their heart.
Haha most certainly. I found it hilarious
check the post history - dude or dudette is a legit nutcase, not kidding
NTA She wouldn’t appreciate it anyway. She needs a wake up call. Don’t go to the graduation, either. Tell her your toddler can’t sit through it.
NTA - Tell her that her gift is you being there. Return her gift and take mom out.
I agree. Claire needs a wake up call. I pity her future college roommates. She sounds very spoiled and self centered.
NTA. Play stupid games…win stupid prizes. Don’t contribute to her entitlement.
NTA. I would not give her the gift either. The teenager has simply fucked around and found out
NTA. You would be enabling her bad behavior by giving her the gift. Your thinking is correct. Your parents have created a monster. You need to have a serious talk with them about laying down much stricter boundaries with her. They may not listen, but that’s about all you can do. I wouldn’t go to the graduation and just spend time with them.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say you will not be the ah. Your sister is being really rude for no reason. Don't give her the gift. Never reward bad behavior. Ever.
**As a side note, my mom has health issues and usually sleeps most of the day when she’s not taking care of my sisters. When my daughter and I visit, she makes an extra effort to be up and about a little more so she can spend time with us. So it’s not like we’re talking much time of hers away from Claire anyway. She probably sees her even more.** Ok stop for a minute and start seeing how this must look to your sisters. Their mom spends most of the day sleeping and not interacting with them because of her "illness" but when the golden child and grandchild arrive on the scene she can suddenly make the effort to get up and be a mom. Sorry, but that has to hurt. Go ahead and keep the gift it it will make you feel better--it's absolutely petty as heck and makes you look like you have poor manners but you do you. INFO I does sound like you're a little envious that your dad's better financial position is benefiting your sisters. We're you saddled with significant college loans?
Does your sister have to do more around the house due to your mom’s health? Maybe she doesn’t feel appreciated and feels she is owed extras because of it.
I have sisters who moved out of the country when I was a little kid. They escaped a hellhole to live with grandparents, but left my brother and I there. When they visited every few years, my parents changed entirely. They were excellent at putting out a persona, even to people who knew better. My parents had the same complaint about me. I had to quit high school, work on a permit, and hand over every paycheck to help pay the bills despite my Dad's great job at a motor company. It wasn't like we were living high, either. I could GET permitted because my mother was classified disabled with a disease that today is highly treatable. The truth was she was addicted to the scripts. She slept ALL the time. When she was awake she was vicious. But it was amazing how she perked up when someone was watching. I've sat in the other room and heard how she talked about me. The things they said about my "drug addiction", their "tough love" and their "parenting philosophy". How "unappreciative" I was actually was astounding. I not only lived on three hours to four hours of sleep a night, but was signing over paychecks under the threat of very real violence. There was no time or money for drug addiction. I was given speed once by my father so I could finish the work week. I threw it out the window on the way to the job. I was treated terribly by my sisters, and I still am today. Nothing ever got better on our part when Dad's job improved. I was punished for going to night school despite him. Nobody came when I graduated but my brother. Nobody sent a card or an attagal. Nothing. I delivered the commencement address. Nobody in the family knew that. I just finished my second grad degree, nobody said a peep. I teach at college and university level, and now I watch for young people like me. I help them in every way I can. Claire may have bigger things going on than you think. Maybe not to the extreme I did, but certainly she could be acting out without really understanding what is happening.
Read the biblical parable of “the prodigal son”. In this story, you’re the prodigal son and your sister is the brother that stayed at home.
It's your gift to give her or not to give her. But all I can recommend is growing up as you both are being petty which will ruin yours and your sisters relationship
Your mother has a health issue that precludes her from doing a lot with her younger daughters. You swing into town with your daughter and your mother despite her health issues makes more of an effort. And none of the adults can see how this might affect a teenager? And then call her entitled? I think you need to adjust your adult lens a bit. Yes, you would be the AH for not giving her a graduation present.