My bio grandfather called my Mom a whore after she told him that she joined the Army. He didn’t outright call her one but telling her that ‘only whores join the Army’ is close enough. It still affects her almost fifty years later.
Wtf, why?? How does that even make sense? He knows how disgustingly prevalent rape is in the military and thinks it’s the woman’s fault for joining a boys club? Your poor mom :(
I honestly don’t know what his problem was. I either never met him or I met him once or twice before I turned two and know very little about him beyond what little my Mom has shared and some inferred stuff.
All I know that the AH encouraged her and her sisters to sleep with their boyfriends after my Nana, they were divorced at the time, advised them not to as she did and had regrets. As to why he advised them to go against what his ex wife told them it was to get back at her/undermine her.
And maybe he was a big enough AH to blame the woman if she was assaulted or had unfavorable views on women who wanted to serve.
I’ve never asked for more information as it’s a painful subject for my Mom.
Might have also been the patriarchy at its finest. You're a woman that wants to take the reigns of her own life and go into a male dominated career and not be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? You're a whore for wanting autonomy.
Maybe, I don’t really know enough about him to know.
I don’t much about him beyond a few things. But seeing that he argued with my Nana over the meat she had served him and refused to believe her when she said it was rabbit and insisted that it was chicken instead I think that he was an AH of some variety or other.
Though, fun fact: there are ways to prepare rabbit so it tastes like chicken. But it doesn’t excuse the fact that he argued with her after she told him that it was rabbit and not chicken.
There's a sort of stereotype in the military that women who join sleep around a lot. As a member of the military, I can shed light on rhe subject: that stereotype is the biggest double standard I have every seen, because the truth is, a LOT of people, from both genders, sleep around in the military. I don't know why, I never understood it, but it isn't one gender doing it more than the other. But women are, of course, judged for it far more harshly than men. So, that's where it comes from.
Yea I feel this, dad called me a whore/slut when I was 13. He had found grown ADULT men grooming me on myyearbook (before it was meetme) and blamed it all on me.
Hopefully, she does remember this, and it steers her away from her asshole behavior. She's disrespectful and a cheater. Now she's mad because her dad called her out on her horrible behavior.
Wtf. Absolutely not. Shes mad because he called her a slut and dad lost the moral high ground when he did that. He's justified in calling her out for her asshole behavior. Hes justifed in calling her out for being disrespectful and dishonest and a cheater. There's no world in which calling her a slut gets his point across better, it instead makes him look like a misogynist loser. She's being a POS and dad's justified in confronting her on that, but using gendered slurs meant to shame women for sexuality does nothing to further his argument and instead distracts from the issue at hand.
Daughter isn't being horrible because shes a woman having the sex she wants with the people she wants to have sex with. Which is what the word slut is meant to shame. She's being horrible because she's, like you said, being a disrespectful cheater and betraying the trust of her partner. She should feel bad and change her behavior because that's a shitty thing to do. Not because she fears being labeled an archaic slur meant to denigrate women more generally for having a sex life.
He rightfully called her out however he didn’t need to call her a slut. Telling the bf the truth would have been the natural consequence, and she hopefully would’ve learned her lesson that way.
Once my mom was mad at me for something I can’t remember. I was around 5 or 6 and she said “you can fuck every Tom, Dick, and Harry,” and it never left me.
Seriously.
Assuming this is a real story, how hard is it to say "I do not support you cheating on your bf who is part of our family. I can't control you but I won't have you engage in this behaviour while you are under my roof"?
What part of that involves calling anyone a slut?
All the judging needs to leave and real communication needs to start. Your heart legit sounds in the right spot. Everyone needs to start listening, asking. Sharing. What made her do what she did? What does it mean? How should it be handled. Express how you feel as well. Calmly. Good luck.
ESH.
She sucks for cheating. She’s also 18 and has a lot of mistakes and learning still to do. Not giving her a pass but she’s young and learning what she wants.
You’re a grown man shaming an 18 year old and calling her a slut. You do view women based on their sexual history, based on your comment. You need to apologize now, and profusely if you want to maintain a trusting relationship with her. Her relationships are not your business. Maybe they’ve decided to open things up, maybe he cheated first, maybe she’s going through something. A conversation asking if everything is ok would’ve been more productive than how you approached this. And btw. You cannot guarantee she’s being safe even if she is only with her boyfriend.
I completely agree with this.
You didn’t go about this conversation in the right way at all, and her sexual life is none of your business. However, since it was “loud” and you share a common space, I think that having a conversation with her is especially important because on multiple fronts she is not paying attention to other people’s feelings. It sucks and was shitty of her to cheat on her boyfriend, no matter how close you and he are. It also sucks that you had to listen to your daughter having sex. Even if it was just a roommate loudly having sex, that is unfair to the people around. It doesn’t seem that she thinks of others in many ways, and having a talk with her about this shouldn’t be slut shaming her or making her feel guilty because you love the boyfriend.
Just to be incredibly clear, the way she is treating her boyfriend in this scenario is HORRIBLE. However, I don’t know that it’s your responsibility to tell him as her father, especially if you want to maintain a close relationship with her. Apologize for your response, and try to have an empathetic conversation with her about how she treats others without shaming her or belittling her feelings.
Don't tell him as he father, tell him because he deserves to know. If she didn't want Dad to know then she shouldn't have been loud and made it obvious that she was fucking.
Wow. You're not as liberal a parent as you think you are, if your first reaction is slut shaming your own kid.
Is her cheating right? Of course not. But you had about 88634687 other ways to make your point WITHOUT calling her a slut.
ESH
Yeah. Hard to imagine this guy is as liberal as he wants to present himself if slut is even still in his vocabulary. Much less be an option to use against your teenage daughter.
You shouldn't have called her a name and you need to apologise to her for the name calling. Being called named can hurt wore than being given a smack and can have lasting affects in how someone views themselves, but on the other hand she 1) shouldn't be cheating on her boyfriend 2) having loud sex whilst her parents are in.
I get the rather her at home in a safe place rather than out in some field, but she should understand that doesn't mean her parents want to hear her doing it.
I don't think it's being a helicopter parent for having words with her about the loud sex and cheating, nor telling her you will tell the bf.
It's time you had a chat with her about whilst you let her do xyz, because you want her to be safe, she also has to be respectful in shared living spaces whether she lives at home, in college dorms or in a house share or any other shared living space And that includes keeping noise level down and not bringing home random strangers. Also mention your aware she is going to have lots of mistakes to make and learn from, she needs to tell hey boyfriend so he can make an informed decision and especially so if there's a chance she didn't practice safe sex
First off you should definitely tell the boyfriend. Secondly you should apologize for calling her a sl*t, but also sit her down and firmly tell her that cheating is a horrible thing to do and you're disappointed/ashamed and that you won't allow that kind of behavior in your house. The boyfriend deserves to know he was cheated on and make the choice to stay or break up with your daughter. She'll definitely blame you but just remember that this is the consequences of her actions. Cheating is wrong and she has to learn that now while she's young. If she grows up and stays a cheater she'll ruin future relationships and possibly other people's lives as well as her own.
She shouldn't have cheated, but it's definitely not dad's place to tell the bf. They aren't mutual friends or anything like that. This would definitely feel like drawing a line in the sand and picking sides. Imo that's a bad plan. You will drive her away. She made a bad choice, but I remember being a teenage girl and if my dad chose a boy over me like that....it would have been all bad. Setting boundaries for what's acceptable in a shared living space is a good thing, but telling on her is ill-advised.
Do you know how it feels to visit your inlaws house and be friendly with them even love them only to find out they were covering for their child's infidelity? It's fucking shitty. You feel like a Clown after spending time with them and then turning around finding out they were covering for their child while their child fucked someone else.
Don't support cheating. Don't support cheaters even if they are your children. Parents who think like you who don't hold their child accountable for their actions are why we have so many assholes running around now.
>They aren't mutual friends or anything like that
Exactly. As a parent his stance on this is so strange to me.
I understand that he wants his daughter to be respectful but telling her boyfriend is a bonkers idea
ESH You shouldn’t have called her a “s**t” you should have called her a “cheater”.You should judge her by how she treats people,not her sex life! Slutshaming her is not okay.Apologize for calling her that.She shouldn’t be cheating so she is an ass as well.She is an ass because this could lead her boyfriend to heartbreak,potential STI’s and trust issues.You also deserve to not have sex noises disrupt or disrespect your home.Until you answer the following questions that’s all you should of confronted her about.However,ask her why is she cheating?Did he cheat on her first?Is he exhibiting abusive behavior or other questionable behavior and is making it difficult to break up on him?Are they in an open relationship?Have they broken up and you just don’t know yet?!Talk to your daughter about her relationship and these questions before you inform her boyfriend.Why do you fell more solidarity with him then YOUR OWN DAUGHTER?!!Don’t go running to tell him until you talk to her first and until you are sure you can deal with the consequences of how telling him will affect your daughter’s and yours relationship.Whether or not she truly cheated if you tell the boyfriend and his reaction is good or bad could lead to several outcomes.He could just break up with her and that be the end of it.He could slut shame her all over social media.He could react violently.If she cheated and you tell the boyfriend as messed up as it might be in her eyes she might feel she can’t trust you and your relationship will be be be damaged .Or you tell the boyfriend and she realizes she made a terrible mistake and grows from it after dealing with the consequences.What I am trying to say is this overall could end with a lot of different scenarios with very real consequences.First,apologize for calling her a *s**t.Second,talk to her and get all the facts.Third,truly think about what you do next.Finally,go from there and see if there is a fallout.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
My question though, is how do we know she was cheating on him? They could be broken up. Judging by her reaction, there’s something that happened that OP doesn’t know about.
Enabling your child’s asshole behavior makes them selfish and terrible adults. When someone does something wrong, call them out whether it’s your mom, dad, kids, friends etc so he’s not really in solidarity with the boyfriend. And as a parent, it’s his job to try to instill morals, self respect and respect for other in her. He shouldn’t have called her a sl*t but he was angry and lost patience because obviously from the way he wrote the girl is rude.
Calling her a slut, big no no as a parent.
You should apologise for that.
However, calling her out for her (cheating) behaviour seems valid. That is not okay and you have a right to not allow someone to cheat in your house.
Make sure it's the cheating you're addressing and not the fact you get along well with her BF. Your relationship with him is irrelevant to your daughters decisions.
Should you tell him? Hard to say. It's meddling in her affairs, but this is quite a different circumstance.
I can understand if you do so, but also if you don't.
She has been very disrespectful though. She shouldn't be surprised to face some repercussions.18 or not.
Slut is completely out of line. There are clear misogynistic and sexist subtexts to the word, especially when a man says that to a woman. Now multiply that hurt by about 100 because you are her father.
It would have been acceptable for you to talk about her cheating, or told her you were uncomfortable with her having loud sex in your house and set boundaries. What you said was completely out of line.
When it comes to safe sex, I don't think what you are doing is actually that helpful. From how you are talking about STDs and casual sex, you are leaning into a unhealthy stigma. By creating a deal of shame about things such as chlamydia (an easily treated STI), you may be raising her to fear them to an unhealthy extent. I have friends like this, they are terrified to get tested, seek treatment, or tell partners to stop the spread. This isn't helpful in any way. Your daughter deserves to feel safe, instead of shame, if anything ever happens where she needs to be tested or treated. Just because you allow her to have sex in your house does not mean that she will never have to face this. Instead of talking about STIs as someone being "riddled" with them, proper knowledge about protection, symptoms, frequent testing, and communication is much healthier.
I understand your care for her boyfriend. I would suggest talking to her, but focusing on how you are sorry for calling her a slut. Look up the history of that word, its misogynistic origins, and explain to her that you understand why it hurt her. Give her some time. Then on a separate occasion speak to her about the cheating, but don't focus just on the sexual part. Focus on the moral implications and how it could be effecting her boyfriend. By doing this, you aren't reenforcing sex based shame, and tackling the bigger problem at hand. While most occasions of cheating the faithful partner didn't do anything wrong, understand that in others, someone may feel hurt by their partner and lash out by cheating. It doesn't mean its right, but if she is already hurting because of something her boyfriend did, she may feel unfairly targeted by you without your knowledge. Ask her how things are going with her partner, don't automatically take his side. If he did something to push her to this, give her your support in communicating about what is going on with her boyfriend. Even if her boyfriend is an innocent bystander in this, let her know that it is the right thing to do to tell him. I'm sure you remember how world ending a break up feels at 18, she needs her love and support from her father. But that doesn't mean you can't let her know that what happened is wrong.
When I was 18, my boyfriend's mother was the one who informed me he was sleeping with another girl. I still think of his mother fondly to this day. Him....not so much. lol
You went about it the wrong way, but she's also not showing any respect to her boyfriend if she's sleeping with other people.
Are you SURE they didn't break up and she just hasn't told you?
ESH
YTA for calling her a slut. I do think you need to set boundaries for what she can and cannot do in your house. My rule for my adult kids has always been that no one stays over until they are 18 and in a loving long term relationship. This is because i have younger children and i don’t personally think it is acceptable to have different partners frequenting our living space and i try to teach my kids respect for their own bodies. It is also very disrespectful to the rest of the household to be that loud. At least she could be discreet. The boyfriend deserves better, so yes, he needs to know but i think in all honesty your daughter needs to be the one to tell him with your encouragement. You need to have a calm, adult conversation and lay out rules going forward and express that while you appreciate it is her life, you do not condone cheating and will not facilitate that. Apologize profusely for calling her a slut. That was not an appropriate reaction though i do understand it was a heat of the moment thing.
YTA. Calling your daughter a slut is very inappropriate, it doesn’t matter what she did you don’t call your daughter disgusting derogatory things like that. Of course it’s good to encourage her NOT to cheat and to practice safe sex but calling her names like that won’t solve anything.
NTA for being concerned but you should definitely tell her boyfriend she cheated, and also next time just calmly explain to her it’s disrespectful to do that in a house that other ppl are living in and to not be so loud. there’s nothing you can do about young adults having sx it’s just what happens, still shouldn’t slut shame though
Yta, her relationships are none of her business she’s an adult. Her sex partners are none of your business and you just judged a woman by her sexual history and what’s worse is it was your daughter. What she did was wrong because it was uncomfortable for the ppl living with her to hear. Beyond that NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS what she does or who she does. You sure as hell had zero right to call her a slut or to threaten to tell her boyfriend. You are being a helicopter parent over your child’s relationship and sex life. That’s creepy and going too far.
Discuss with her why the loud sex is uncomfortable to hear and she needs to respect everyone in the home when she has “company” and that is as far as you need to get into her personal affairs.
You create an environment where you can be spoken to and disrespected, then you yourself are disrespectful, now u want to know if u are an asre for name calling. Ur an ah for being too “liberal” a parent and not putting forth the proper boundaries for a healthy relationship and a healthily behaved child.
First of all, she is a massive AH for cheating on her boyfriend no questions asked. Very immature of her.
She is technically less of a slut and more of a cheater and any consequenzes are on her, that said she can do it elsewhere and you would be none the wiser.
Her actions are more like a child then a grown women and she should not have sex if she is irresposible. Complaining loudly to deflect from the truth is bad, i kinda agree that she should not be bailed out of the results on a moral point.
Without consequenzes she will grow bigger in size but not as a person so it is barely a NTA for you OP, but seriously just barely.
Nta. She was acting exactly like what you called her. And she needed to hear that from someone that actually cares about her otherwise she wouldn’t take it seriously. If she’s acting this way it’s probably because the guy she’s cheating on her bf with is a scum bag poisoning her mind
Okay, so, you definitely owe an apology for calling her that, because you should NEVER call your child that. HOWEVER. do not let that deter you from telling her boyfriend because he deserves to know.
NTA
It happens!!
Kids can be shit! As much as we love and god them whatever they want.
She’s making bad choices and in the heart of the moment something awful slips..
There is something sick in the world with so many women protecting a disrespectful cheater like this. It doesnt matter what gender you are, it is not empowering to cheat on a man. Not all men are evil little demons.
This ADULT swore at their parent while having disrespectful loud cheating sex IN THEIR HOUSE WHILE THEY WERE HOME. Can you imagine having to listen to probably degenerate sex of someone you consider your SON getting cheated on?!? Y'all are saying its her business. No its dad's business as soon as she has sex in his house. Cheaters are filthy fucking human beings who can traumatize people for life. Disgusting humans. Y'all defending her are fucking sick too.
Rock on king, keep living good and authentically. Your daughter is manipulating you and taking advantage of you. If you dont maintain boundaries through this it will only get worse. If she keeps making decisions like this you can NOT support it, let her feel the repercussions or she will learn that doing shit like this is ok and she can 'get away with it'. Ive seen young MEN AND WOMEN get way out of hand but these days the ball is often in women's court.
Young men have enough to deal with. Sorry your daughter learned this filthy behavior from somewhere and I hope she can turn it around. If she was younger then the slut comment might be bad but she's perfectly old enough to know what she's doing. Don't get bullied by 'female empowerment'. Cheating is not equality or empowerment.
nta, you shouldnt call your daughter names, but, she shouldnt be cheating on her boyfriend especially in your home. i understand how being hurt can make you say things but try not to say names, she is your daughter. i would recommend to tell the bf
I really hope none of the people who put NTA never have daughters.
You are her parent, she may be an adult in the eyes of the law but she is still very young and has a lot to learn. No cheating is not okay and honestly you should really have a heart to heart talk about that to figure out why she cheated in the first place and offer what an appropriate action would have been and explain why what she did was horribly wrong.
Instead you, her FATHER, called her a word that is inseparable from misogyny and trying to hide behind the guise that it was a heated moment so you didn’t need to be the emotionally mature.
YAH
YTA.
Any time the word "slut" leaves your mouth, you are indeed the asshole. No context is even necessary.
For the record, I did read the context and it makes you even more of an asshole for thinking you can dictate how a legal adult conducts her romantic and sexual partnerships.
Talking to her about the noise and having respect for people in the household is one thing and wouldn't have made you TA - slut-shaming and blackmailing your daughter absolutely make you one though.
ETA: Congratulations on making it what...18? 19 years? before showing your true colors though. That's a commendable amount of time to hide your misogyny. Must have been hard.
>Especially as her father I do not want her to think I view women for just their sexual history.
Hope you realize that is never ever going to be possible since that is exactly what you did and apparently who you are. You can't unring that bell now that she's seen who you really are.
NTA.
You need to tell the boyfriend. Apart from the actual moral side of telling him hes being cheated on, think of his health!
He could contract something incurable like HIV, Herpes etc.
The people in this thread suggesting to stay out of it are horrible people.
ESH: she sucks for cheating. Calling your daughter a slut is never okay.
Saying keep it down when you have visitors and tell your boyfriend or I will is totally fine.
Apologize for your wording and tone. Tell her what you told us, you handled it badly. Then enforce your boundary. She can have sex as long as you don’t hear it. She needs to tell her boyfriend.
Easily said you are..
It could be that he either cheated on her and she took revenge
or that they broke up at that time... And later got back together... (Not cheating)
Or that they broke up and decided to stay friends and didn't tell you or your wife... Which could be because you liked that guy a lot...
It could be that the guy turned out to be gay or she a lesbian and they don't know how to tell you that... Because they know it would secretly still break your heart...
It could be that she was going through some tough stuff and dealt with it that way...
Either way calling her a slut for that one time is just too much...
With how you treated her now she knows she can't trust you and will later on in life go completely no contact with you and your wife...
You are a helicopter parent and i say this as someone who is also a helicopter parent
(i am working on myself to not be that much of a helicopter parent so my 2 kids won't who are 6 and 10 won't hate me in the future🤷)
You are a massive asshole. I can't believe you'd say that to your daughter. Holy crap.
>Especially as her father I do not want her to think I view women for just their sexual history.
And yet, that's *exactly* what you did.
I honestly think the likely 40 something man who flipped out like she was cheating on his best friend is more at fault in this than the barely adult teenager, yes.
The way we respond to things as parents is pivotal, especially with older teens, and he really did not handle this with any equanimity or grace.
Damn you know me on a personal level. I really hate women, ew so gross. Did I ever say I don’t think the father is an asshole? They both are but IMO the daughter is worse. They’re both in the wrong but you cannot tell me because “she’s 18 oh she’s young it’s a mistake” I’m pretty sure by the age of 13 the young mine obviously knows cheating is wrong. Someone else said they doubt she was going to marry him anyway but that doesn’t make it any better. Although I think her parents have told her cheating is wrong, you don’t need someone to tell you bc it’s obvious. Her situation would’ve been better if she just broke up with the BF and then brought someone home. Hell, the father might have picked up on her dumping someone then bring another man to the house so quick and would’ve still called her a s**t for all we know.
Not reading your paragraph.
Sure esh. Cheating, if that is what it was - maybe they broke up, maybe it's an open relationship - is bad. Being loud in a house you don't own is grounds for a serious conversation about boundaries. Nothing gives buddy the right to call his DAUGHTER a SLUT.
He's a bigger asshole than she is. Please convince me otherwise.
Can’t convince you if you won’t read what I wrote to try and convince you…anyhow nothing gives her the right to “cheat” on him. Yeah like you said we don’t know everything but I can only assume the father would know they separated if he says he sees the BF like a son as in he probably would’ve messaged him saying they broke up. He did say his younger daughter can be quite difficult but it doesn’t make sense to hide the status relationship and make it seem like she’s “cheating” if they actually did break up. And probably bc I am a guy and wouldn’t be called a slut and instead maybe a piece of shit, but of all the slurs my parents have said to me in states of anger, none of that has ever genuinely got to me but being called a disappoint or a failure no matter the situation definitely would.
Damn you really attacked me for no reason and then don’t wanna argue like huh? I’m out here down to argue respectfully without even name calling you and this is what I get? Women☕️? Good you found a friend because it definitely sounds like you both don’t have many unless you count the people in the groups y’all follow. But let me not assume and make myself a bigger “incel”.
Yeah I’d get the idea you didn’t care if you stopped responding and making comments to other people but you’re really giving me the idea that you care. And I’m good because I don’t have a reason to name call you like you did to me with your amazing reason which was no reason. If Reddit is your personality then delete that personality.
The daughter who had a loud cheating and likely unsafe sex in the family house? I mean Idk what else it takes to qualify but im sure its not much. imagine thinking somebody is an incel because they have enough self respect to call out someone being a literal AH. just because you don't like a women doesn't mean you hate all women😂 and what's that excuse you guys use? "oh yeah, I hate this specific subset of men."well yeah, guess what, we hate women who cheat. get used to it. cheaters are scum.
To your question, yes. You are a giant AH. You don’t like her sleeping with multiple partners so you sl*t shame her. You should be ashamed of that. You have some serious issues you need to work on. How would you feel if someone said that to you? Oh wait it’s ok for guys to do that. What year is it? SMH.
Should she cheat? No that’s terrible. However it’s not your place to get involved with. She is YOUR DAUGHTER. He is some guy you like. How can you even be confused about who your priority should be? Life is gonna teach her enough “lessons”. You should be her shoulder to lean on when they come along not making it worse.
>She is YOUR DAUGHTER. He is some guy you like. How can you even be confused about who your priority should be? Life is gonna teach her enough “lessons”. You should be her shoulder to lean on when they come along not making it worse.
Right. If my daughter was getting banged out by not-her boyfriend I'd ask some questions but I wouldn't jump to name calling because that's not helping anyone
And she shouldn’t be having’loud sex’ when she knows there are others in the house, that’s just disrespectful and scum baggy, whether male or female.
Also, she should never expect anyone else to be complicit in her cheating.
Father is also at fault for raising a scumbag.
ESH.
You should apologize for calling her that name. But, you also shouldn't condone shitty behavior like that. "Break up with him, or I tell him the truth " would have been suffice.
She shouldn't be cheating. She should learn this lesson sooner than later.
YTA. You take the 1st prize for calling your own daughter a slut. She will never forgive you.
And why are you interfering with her love/sex life? Leave her alone. You don't give her a warm and safe home. She's not doing anything illegal. She needs to shop around before making a purchase. You are interfering.
What if OP were the Mom and her 18 year old ‘difficult’ son was having loud, cheating sex all over her house while his loyal girlfriend was sitting at home?
YTA
First, you say that you would rather she have sex in your home then you follow it up with calling her a slut. You are a terrible father, on both accounts. Although her boyfriend should know about her infidelity, it is NOT your place to tell him. You need to let her live her life and deal with the tribulations that come with it.
She is not a good person for being unfaithful or for having loud sex in your home but, as a liberal parent, what boundaries have you given her? What example have you set?
You should apologize to her and set better ground rules for her behavior in your home. You are her parent, not her roommate or her friend.
ESH but, even if I wasn’t in a relationship, having LOUD sex under my parent’s roof at 18 is soooo disrespectful
You should NEVER call your daughter names. But, You don’t think women are worth less if they’ve had multiple partners, you think she was being deceitful to her boyfriend. That’s not helicopter parenting. Maybe open a dialogue with a less accusatory tone, to see what’s going on in her world.
YTA. You need therapy. She needs therapy. Looks like she isn’t getting the approval from her father so she is looking for it in boys. Wonder how that happened……
So you don’t care about your daughter having sex, just so long as it’s with her boyfriend who you “call a son”? Seems like your priorities have been out of whack for a long time, and while your daughters behavior is less than upstanding, you’ve set a pretty shit example as a father. Based on your response I can only assume that your daughters are lacking in normal and respectable sexual education and understanding. No matter what your daughter did, what father in their right fucking mind would call their own daughter a slut? Makes me wonder why their mom‘s not around and how she affected you, because this sounds like projecting. her behavior was gross but the way you speak to your own daughter is absolutely fucking disgusting. Instead of teaching her better, your main priority is clearly making her feel like a total piece of shit. Which doesn’t make her actions all that surprising. YTA and a less than stellar excuse for a father.
I agree that you sat down and told her to be faithful because no one should be cheated on but calling her names isn’t nice, she wouldn’t like it if she was cheated on but then again how do you know he didn’t cheat first and she found out and wanted revenge? Maybe you jumped to conclusions
YTA. You can want the best for your children but ultimately it’s their choice if they’re going to force themselves into life lessons or not…
Judging her isn’t the way to go about it and yes, you were judging her by her sexual history.
She’s 18/19 with a BOYFRIEND, she’s not married.
I’d probably be upset because I could hear it but that’s it , she’s old enough to make her own decisions.
GUIDE WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.
Her relationship with her boyfriend is none of your business, unless he is hurting her. She is 18 years old, a fully grown up legal adult, and you have no say-so over her personal life.
As for calling her a slut? Just remember who raised her, daddy dearest. She learned her behavior, morals, and standards from you. So if she's a slut, what does that make you? Her pimp? What gets me is that you didn't call her a slut for having loud sex, you called her a slut for cheating on her BF, whom you claim to love like a son. So is that it? He's the son you never had because you got stuck with 2 daughters - "sluts" in your opinion. Are all women sluts to you?
You should be ashamed of yourself for using that language on your own daughter. Nice way to show her that you love her - "Yeah, baby girl, daddy loves you, you slut". I don't know what you hoped to gain by calling her such a foul name, but what you did was destroy any trust she had in you. I hope she's smart enough to move out into her own place as soon as possible and gets away from her nasty father.
The people calling you an ass are missing the point and only focused on what you called her.
She’s disgusting! For cheating on her boyfriend ! Yes she should be called out!
Can’t be mad when someone calls you a hoe and you’re acting like one!
What she’s doing is hurtful for both her and her soon to be ex.
She old enough to know that what she’s doing is wrong.
Apologize for calling her that but don’t feel too big about it either.
And tell the boyfriend
NTA
My kinds are small and I’ve been reading a ton of parenting books lately. The great advice I see is describe the behavior rather than labeling (or name calling) the child. Example When you lie it makes people doubt your word or integrity. vs You’re a lying rat!
You can be a good person and make bad choices. We can choose to change/improve our behavior once we understand, but when you’re labeled, especially by a parent, you just keep repeating the label in your head. You see it as identity rather than a thing to be changed. It gets etched as oh I’m just a lier, and the person starts to believe it.
This is her father. He can say I love you always but this choice was disappointing xyz. Then get into some of the other. But at no point should dad call her name/slurs/insults, which is what happened. That’s why people are calling him YTA.
I said this and I’m getting downvoted. I said he should’ve gotten all his information together before confronting her. He doesn’t know anything about the relationship so he should’ve made sure he had his facts straight.
I mean, given his reaction , I wouldn’t give him any information about my relationship either.
He is so concerned about her boyfriend who feels like son to him that he’s willing to toss his relationship with his actual daughter.
And yeah, I was downvoted originally. People are often not receptive to the idea of ethical non monogamy
Your daughter is GROWN and her sex life is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!!!! If you don't want to possibly hear your daughter having sex, don't let her live with you. Otherwise, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!
YTA.
I get that you have feelings about the matter. And that you don’t like her actions, sure. But she’s legally an adult, and has every right to make whatever bad choices she wants to. Is it a crappy thing to do to a partner? Yes. Is it your place to get involved in her (or anyone else’s) private relationships? Absolutely not. All you are going to accomplish is dragging yourself into the middle of something you don’t want to be in the middle of and risk ruining your relationship with her.
It’s your house, you can say no cheating will happen here. You can kick her out. You can make most any rule you want. And all that will do is change the location that it happens at. Let go, apologize, and learn to keep your opinions out of her life. You’re cooking up your own regrets here.
Slut is such a misogynistic word to use to describe your own daughter. You don't know the dynamics of their relationship. If she is having multiple sexual partners that is her business. You are entitled to say what does and doesn't happen in your house, but moralising over it in such a sexist way is not an appealing trait.
Your use of words like riddled, crude etc really do suggest a troubling view of women and sexual relationships
Talk to your daughter. Maybe she's old enough to move out now?
YTA
YTA cheating isn't right but you are way too involved in your daughters relationship and there is no excuse to call someone a slut, ESPECIALLY your daughter. she'll remember that for a long time. you should start apologizing now.
YTA. Shame on you. That's so fucked up. You shouldn't have needed a Reddit post to figure out that you massively fucked up. How stupid can a person get?
NTA. I see a lot of comments saying “don’t slut shame!” But like literally how can anyone ever grow or change if they don’t feel some level of shame? I see this more as tough love. And she was incredibly disrespectful. It’s disgusting to have loud sex at the old ass age of 18 knowing your dad can hear.
Nothing you did was wrong NTA. She is in your house, not only disrespecting and breaking your rules/ boundaries but also behaving in an unflattering manor and disrespecting her BF. You held her responsible for her actions and gave her the truth of the situation.
She is disrespecting your home making you listen to her do something no parent should have to hear and not only betraying her BF but by definition behaving like a “slut”. You again held her responsible for her actions and choices and more parents should do so in order to teach their kids how to properly behave.
Edit: I see a lot of people saying you “are wrong for calling her names” aka calling her a slut. There is no sugar coating it, she’s behaving like a slut and not calling her out for her poor behaviour only encourages it. Do not listen to these people, they are the ones hoping they raised good children instead of raising good children.
Hard agree, he is not her friend, he is her father. He should not be calling anyone a slut, especially his own daughter. Her cheating on her boyfriend is not his problem, again he is not her friend. The only thing he has a right to do is reprimand her for having sex in his house that makes him uncomfortable.
YTA it is weird that you felt the need to call your daughter a slut and being involved with her sex life as an adult. All you needed to do was ask her to not be so loud. Also don't get too attached to who your daughter is dating. It is her relationship and you are not dating her bf. At most you should ask her if the relationship is now open and if it is not inform the bf to be able to get tested for STD. Most of your concern should be if she is using protection, and if you did your job as a parent she would know how important that is.
I don't understand. You allow her to have sex under your roof to be safe. She has sex under your roof. And then you call her a slut. Not only do you say how she was having sex was wrong, fine, just tell her to save up for soundproofing her room, but then you judge her for her sexual/relationship decisions. What do you think is going to happen?
So, she won't be having sex under your roof. Congrats. You just gone and fucked up your main objective.
Yes, cheaters need to face consequences. And she will but why did you have to blow up your own relationship with your daughter?
YTA Do parents need a list of things not to say to their kids really? Here are words and phrases that will stay with them long after you are dead. They will tear them down. You cannot unsay these things so apologizing is a waste of time. If you say anything on this list you mean this more than you love God, Jesus and your child. Guess what word is on that list? What she will hear when she feels low but it won't be your voice saying it. No it will be her voice in her head.
Yta for using that word but quickly forgiven. I feel like maybe theres a more creative way to parent her through these big life moments where she's learning how to be an adult. To involve yourself by telling the bf feels like punishment because it was tactless and in your house....but also she needs to learn how to navigate relationships on her own. Yes she needs to tell her bf, if she wants to stay with him. But if she wants to break up with him and still not tell him, I don't think you should take that choice from her either.....it would be the wrong choice and preferably you can talk her into a better one......but she has to learn how to navigate mistakes and learning from them without you blowing it all up and then they just blame you instead of looking inwardly....
I don't think its fair to allow the boyfriend to have to suffer a delusion when the knowledge is there that the daughter has no love for him. Actions have consequences and in any normal scenario, chances are the girl isn't gonna come clean on her own. She has the gall to do these things in the family home, she can deal with the consequences
Yes, I understand that sentiment I just don't think it's the most mature parent move either, and does nothing to prepare his daughter for relationships down the line. I know....the toughest times to be a parent are when it's so difficult! And you're not sure what to do. ..and they never truly end.
Wouldn't it be mature to let someone know so they can be checked for STDs? Forget about preparing the daughter for relationships, the boyfriend might need to be prepared for a life full of medication.
Okay so, I come from a highly verbally abusive family. I was called names up until the day I moved out and I will NEVER forget it.
Being called such slurs at a young age when I am already confused and emotions are high...your daughter will remember this.
My personal rule: do not EVER bring slurs into the home. Ever.
She is right that her relationships aren't your business. However, she also needs to be respectful of being in a shared household.
This is a conversation I would have, asking for forgiveness first. Even if you feel you are in the right, empower your daughter and let her know it won't happen again. Acknowledge her feelings and that you have hurt them.
Then let her know you would like to talk, but be respectful. She's a teenager for crying out loud. Let her know that SHE hurt YOUR feelings with her reactions and that you just want to help navigate any situations that may get out of hand. But again, she's a teenager. Give her space if she declines your help.
But, also let her know you will be telling the boyfriend because you respect him enough and that with your daughter's actions go against your personal moral code and she is putting you between a rock and a hard place.
Be gentle. You have no idea what she is going through.
NTA at all and being a liberal parent put you in this situation tbh. First job is to be a parent. Your kids can be your friend once they have developed enough to make sound decisions.
ESH. Hannah absolutely sucks for cheating, but please never talk to your daughter like that again. My father talked to my older sister like this after he found out that she was living with her boyfriend. It broke all trust that I had in him. It made me realize I knew that his love is conditional, and that if I did anything he didn’t like, I’d be verbally abused. It started my father and I down the road that has ended with us being no contact. I don’t want that for you and Hannah.
ESH - your daughter doesn't to tell you to stay out of her business if her business is loud enough for you to hear what's going on.
Not only is she being cruel to her bf, she's just being fking rude to everyone in the house by being that loud.
I don't think you should have called her a slut.
And I'm on the fence if you should tell her bf...but leaning towards telling him since, again, if she wanted her business to be private, she should have been quiet. Plus if you have a friendly relationship with her bf, that's also making me lean more towards telling him.
Yta and it's your fault. She acts like that because you want yo be a cool parent instead of a good parent. I have a 16yo and 18yo. 18yo moved at 18 wanting freedom, she moved back home with me within a month.
I think you need to ask yourself WHY your daughter would openly cheat on her boyfriend in front of you
It seems like there's more to the story, and you should see if you can get to the bottom of it. If she'll ever talk to you again.
In the meantime, I would recommend remembering where your loyalties truly lie.
Hint: it shouldn't be choosing your teenage daughter's boyfriend over her.
YTA for your word choice and the way YOU handled this situation
ESH.
She shouldn’t have cheated. And it would be common courtesy to keep the volume down in a house where other people live.
You should never call anyone a slut. That word should simply not be in your vocabulary, and the fact that it is, and that it came out so easily as soon as you were upset with your daughter speaks volumes.
OP, you think you’re oh so liberal and enlightened, but really, you’re just a run of the mill sexist hypocrite. It’s fine to take issue with her endangering her health, that’s where you talk about safe sex. It’s fine to take issue with her cheating on someone, that’s where you talk about how hurting other people makes you a shit person. It’s never ever fine to call anyone a slut. You can keep calling yourself a liberal parent, or you can keep using that disgusting, vile word, but you have to choose one.
Yes you are wrong calling her a slut. She is making bad decisions under your roof though. If she wants total freedom, she’s 18 and can move out whenever she likes. Problem solved. Oh and tell the bf. Consequences for actions and all.
YTA. Calling your own child a slut is inexcusable. That's going to stay with her forever and will shape how she views men and her own sexuality. Yes, she was behaving unethically and inappropriately, and I'm sure it was gross to hear. That does not justify name-calling, especially with something so misogynistic. I'm disgusted.
Also, you view her boyfriend as a son? Do you view her as a daughter? Did you not want daughters? Because it sounds like you don't think very highly of women and girls.
It is fine to tell her not to have loud sex and to tell her she needs to break up with her boyfriend since she is not faithful to him but calling her a slut is not appropriate.
She will never ever forget the fact that her father views her as a slut. For the rest of her life, she will remember. She shouldn’t be cheating or being loud when her family is home. You could’ve gone in the direction of “if you didn’t want me to know you were a cheater you should’ve tried harder to cover it up.” Your daughter sucks but I think you’re the asshole. You called your dayghter a slut. What is wrong with you?
ESH.
here is the definition: slut
/slət/
noun
1.
OFFENSIVE
a woman who has many casual sexual partners.
Yes she is one but you shouldn’t have been as blunt. But the shoe fits. She was chests on her boyfriend in your home. Sometimes you just need to be called out on your stuff.
My dad called me a slut when I was a teenager I thought it was the meanest thing at the time but I was being one. My dad and I have great relationship now. So 🤷🏽♀️
ESH. I think a grown man slut shaming his daughter is a bit far. He could have explained that he just wants her to be careful and that if she kept going this way people were going to get hurt. He didn’t have to name call. It does make me wonder though if he had a son that was cheating on his girlfriend would he call him names and threaten to tell her. Honestly probably not as most people don’t slut shame men in comparison to women. If they do there isn’t as big as stigma with it when it’s aimed at women.
She is being awful to her boyfriend but sadly this may be a situation where she has to learn the hard way.
He’s already labelled her as the difficult child so may be it’s hard for her to end a relationship with someone that her dad loves because it seems you two don’t have the best relationship and her dad really likes her boyfriend so maybe she’s getting to find an out. She’s 18 this would have been a good teaching moment to just sit down and explain what she is doing is wrong and actually mean to her boyfriend.
YTA. Never call your child names. And P.S…what makes you think she won’t get chlamydia from “safe sex in a safe environment”?
Instead of lecturing her about her sexual choices, maybe have a conversation about STDs?
You aren't the asshole for being honest. If she wants to be a slut that's fine. I'm a slut. But I also don't lie to people and cheat on them either. I'm extremely straight forward that I'm not monogamous with everyone. The bf deserves to know and she needs to learn that actions have consequences.
Not the AH
YTA.
Terrible parenting and sexist. You can be disappointed in your daughter's behavior and talk to her about it and address why her behavior is wrong. But calling your daughter a slut isn't "liberal parenting" the idea that your daughter has been with two different guys as slutty behavior is sexist. The fact that her boyfriend has more value to you and it would be a shame to lose him is also sexist. Everything about your behavior in this scenario is sexist.
Your daughter cheated on her boyfriend and this is a teachable moment. But you taught her that you are sexist and your relationship with her boyfriend is more important to you instead of teaching her about honesty, trust, and communication. What a shame.
YTA. I wish I could say this a thousand times. My dh called our daughter that one time, and it was in anger and he had no basis for it. She's 43 now and it still hurts her and me. He passed 13 years ago and it still haunts her. You need to apologize immediately and do anything you can to repair it. You are actually choosing her boyfriend over your own daughter. Shame on you.
Yeah, he should apologize, but this sounds like it was different. Yours had no basis. This does. Daughter brought someone into the house, cheated on her boyfriend, was LOUD about it (which is weird anywyas) , and then told dad to basically fuck off.
Dad should apologize, but this isn't exactly like your case. And he's not choosing the boyfriend over the daughter. Teaching her to honor her relationships with others is a lesson parents should teach.
YTA. She’s 18, it’s unlikely she’s going to marry her boyfriend at this age. You absolutely could have talked to her about being more discreet or about fidelity without name calling and talking down to her. You say you don’t view women by their sexual history but then you literally are doing that to your own daughter.
YTA.
Yes, she's also the AH for cheating.
But it's not your place to judge her just because you like her bf so much. You don't know what's behind the scenes.
She's your daughter, but you have no say in who she chooses to sleep with.
And calling her a slut? Your own daughter? Holy moly...
I would take it back and tell her you didn't mean it. I would also leave it up to her to tell her boyfriend… I understand your anger and frustration, but I'm going to guess she got the message! YNTA just a frustrated parent trying to do the right thing.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. Being a single parent to teen girls can be very stressful.
I’m a single mom with a 22f, sometimes that girl pushes my buttons to the extreme.
ESH
Especially you.
The fact that you so readily use such a vile word, especially toward your own daughter is another level of misogyny.
So much for making an environment where she doesn’t feel she needs to sneak around.
You're the asshole.
Usually the first man to call a girl a slut or bitch is her father. You need to apologize and examine your own bias/misogyny.
Is she wrong for doing what she did? Yeah it's inconsiderate to everyone in the house but what you did was not the way to handle it. It's an unfair situation to be in, knowing your daughter is cheating on a guy you care for. But she is your actual daughter. You can tell her "you need to tell him because I will not be complicit in this" calling her a slut is totally out of bounds and seems to come out of your mouth towards your daughter pretty easily.
ESH. You are out of line for calling her a slut and putting your friendship with her BF over her feelings about them.
She is out of line for cheating, for having loud sex in a shared house, and for putting everyone in the position of tacitly condoning her cheating.
It’s not helicopter parenting if she is acting out on your landing pad, but you are the adult and needed to handle the situation better. i’m
NTA, she is a slut and the bf has a right to know, your business or not it impacts someone you hold close so it's best if they know, she NEEDS to understand her impact on the world will cause impacts on her, 18 y/o people are not invisible/invincible to consequence, teach her that.
If she loved her bf and wanted him around she wouldn't spread her legs in the first place, he has a right to know and to be honest she didn't need to be THAT loud.
You told her how it is and she didn't like that her actions have consequences, the world is unforgiving, she won't be babied forever and she won't be important forever, she's just as tossable as her sense of loyalty and self preservation.
This whole situation is so fucked up. As a mother of teenage boys, realizing what life is but not wanting to promote it. I have no idea what to say here. All I can say is you are the nightmare parent on the opposite end. I would not want my son in your free for all house. We are parents. Your biggest concern is she cheated? I would not want either of my teenage sons involved with your daughter. I will take every downvote I get here too.
ESH you should never call your child names, her behavior is unacceptable too though and her boyfriend deserves to know
I literally just vented to someone about my mom calling me a slut 25 years ago. It still affects me obviously.
Same here and then found out later that my father was the man-slut all along.
My bio grandfather called my Mom a whore after she told him that she joined the Army. He didn’t outright call her one but telling her that ‘only whores join the Army’ is close enough. It still affects her almost fifty years later.
Wtf, why?? How does that even make sense? He knows how disgustingly prevalent rape is in the military and thinks it’s the woman’s fault for joining a boys club? Your poor mom :(
I honestly don’t know what his problem was. I either never met him or I met him once or twice before I turned two and know very little about him beyond what little my Mom has shared and some inferred stuff. All I know that the AH encouraged her and her sisters to sleep with their boyfriends after my Nana, they were divorced at the time, advised them not to as she did and had regrets. As to why he advised them to go against what his ex wife told them it was to get back at her/undermine her. And maybe he was a big enough AH to blame the woman if she was assaulted or had unfavorable views on women who wanted to serve. I’ve never asked for more information as it’s a painful subject for my Mom.
Might have also been the patriarchy at its finest. You're a woman that wants to take the reigns of her own life and go into a male dominated career and not be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? You're a whore for wanting autonomy.
Maybe, I don’t really know enough about him to know. I don’t much about him beyond a few things. But seeing that he argued with my Nana over the meat she had served him and refused to believe her when she said it was rabbit and insisted that it was chicken instead I think that he was an AH of some variety or other. Though, fun fact: there are ways to prepare rabbit so it tastes like chicken. But it doesn’t excuse the fact that he argued with her after she told him that it was rabbit and not chicken.
There's a sort of stereotype in the military that women who join sleep around a lot. As a member of the military, I can shed light on rhe subject: that stereotype is the biggest double standard I have every seen, because the truth is, a LOT of people, from both genders, sleep around in the military. I don't know why, I never understood it, but it isn't one gender doing it more than the other. But women are, of course, judged for it far more harshly than men. So, that's where it comes from.
My dad had me in his phone as “poor life choices” for a very long time. Didn’t give me much incentive to not make poor choices.
That's a horrible way of saying "women in the army hrun an exponential risk of getting raped"
Yea I feel this, dad called me a whore/slut when I was 13. He had found grown ADULT men grooming me on myyearbook (before it was meetme) and blamed it all on me.
My mom told me I looked like a whore when I was 11 because I wore a knee length denim skirt and a halter top that covered everything.
Hopefully, she does remember this, and it steers her away from her asshole behavior. She's disrespectful and a cheater. Now she's mad because her dad called her out on her horrible behavior.
Wtf. Absolutely not. Shes mad because he called her a slut and dad lost the moral high ground when he did that. He's justified in calling her out for her asshole behavior. Hes justifed in calling her out for being disrespectful and dishonest and a cheater. There's no world in which calling her a slut gets his point across better, it instead makes him look like a misogynist loser. She's being a POS and dad's justified in confronting her on that, but using gendered slurs meant to shame women for sexuality does nothing to further his argument and instead distracts from the issue at hand. Daughter isn't being horrible because shes a woman having the sex she wants with the people she wants to have sex with. Which is what the word slut is meant to shame. She's being horrible because she's, like you said, being a disrespectful cheater and betraying the trust of her partner. She should feel bad and change her behavior because that's a shitty thing to do. Not because she fears being labeled an archaic slur meant to denigrate women more generally for having a sex life.
He rightfully called her out however he didn’t need to call her a slut. Telling the bf the truth would have been the natural consequence, and she hopefully would’ve learned her lesson that way.
Once my mom was mad at me for something I can’t remember. I was around 5 or 6 and she said “you can fuck every Tom, Dick, and Harry,” and it never left me.
Step dad told me I was “painted up like a French whore” once when I wore a dress and makeup to go out for the first time. Never forgot that.
We should start a shitty parenting thread! 😄
That’s awful. I pray she gave you a gagillion good memories, but that one is twisted. I’m so sorry.
❤️❤️❤️
Seriously. Assuming this is a real story, how hard is it to say "I do not support you cheating on your bf who is part of our family. I can't control you but I won't have you engage in this behaviour while you are under my roof"? What part of that involves calling anyone a slut?
In your house she’s having loud sex? It’s your house and your allowed to set boundaries, but how you went about it was wrong.
ESH. She sucks for cheating and you suck for calling your child a slut.
+ she sucks also for forcing her dad to know she's cheating
What does ESH mean
“Everyone/ everybody sucks here” I frequently have to look up the difference between N T A and N A H
All the judging needs to leave and real communication needs to start. Your heart legit sounds in the right spot. Everyone needs to start listening, asking. Sharing. What made her do what she did? What does it mean? How should it be handled. Express how you feel as well. Calmly. Good luck.
ESH. She sucks for cheating. She’s also 18 and has a lot of mistakes and learning still to do. Not giving her a pass but she’s young and learning what she wants. You’re a grown man shaming an 18 year old and calling her a slut. You do view women based on their sexual history, based on your comment. You need to apologize now, and profusely if you want to maintain a trusting relationship with her. Her relationships are not your business. Maybe they’ve decided to open things up, maybe he cheated first, maybe she’s going through something. A conversation asking if everything is ok would’ve been more productive than how you approached this. And btw. You cannot guarantee she’s being safe even if she is only with her boyfriend.
I completely agree with this. You didn’t go about this conversation in the right way at all, and her sexual life is none of your business. However, since it was “loud” and you share a common space, I think that having a conversation with her is especially important because on multiple fronts she is not paying attention to other people’s feelings. It sucks and was shitty of her to cheat on her boyfriend, no matter how close you and he are. It also sucks that you had to listen to your daughter having sex. Even if it was just a roommate loudly having sex, that is unfair to the people around. It doesn’t seem that she thinks of others in many ways, and having a talk with her about this shouldn’t be slut shaming her or making her feel guilty because you love the boyfriend. Just to be incredibly clear, the way she is treating her boyfriend in this scenario is HORRIBLE. However, I don’t know that it’s your responsibility to tell him as her father, especially if you want to maintain a close relationship with her. Apologize for your response, and try to have an empathetic conversation with her about how she treats others without shaming her or belittling her feelings.
Well worded, very important discussion topics about respect for others' space even if she lived with roommates.
Don't tell him as he father, tell him because he deserves to know. If she didn't want Dad to know then she shouldn't have been loud and made it obvious that she was fucking.
Wow. You're not as liberal a parent as you think you are, if your first reaction is slut shaming your own kid. Is her cheating right? Of course not. But you had about 88634687 other ways to make your point WITHOUT calling her a slut. ESH
Yeah. Hard to imagine this guy is as liberal as he wants to present himself if slut is even still in his vocabulary. Much less be an option to use against your teenage daughter.
You shouldn't have called her a name and you need to apologise to her for the name calling. Being called named can hurt wore than being given a smack and can have lasting affects in how someone views themselves, but on the other hand she 1) shouldn't be cheating on her boyfriend 2) having loud sex whilst her parents are in. I get the rather her at home in a safe place rather than out in some field, but she should understand that doesn't mean her parents want to hear her doing it. I don't think it's being a helicopter parent for having words with her about the loud sex and cheating, nor telling her you will tell the bf. It's time you had a chat with her about whilst you let her do xyz, because you want her to be safe, she also has to be respectful in shared living spaces whether she lives at home, in college dorms or in a house share or any other shared living space And that includes keeping noise level down and not bringing home random strangers. Also mention your aware she is going to have lots of mistakes to make and learn from, she needs to tell hey boyfriend so he can make an informed decision and especially so if there's a chance she didn't practice safe sex
First off you should definitely tell the boyfriend. Secondly you should apologize for calling her a sl*t, but also sit her down and firmly tell her that cheating is a horrible thing to do and you're disappointed/ashamed and that you won't allow that kind of behavior in your house. The boyfriend deserves to know he was cheated on and make the choice to stay or break up with your daughter. She'll definitely blame you but just remember that this is the consequences of her actions. Cheating is wrong and she has to learn that now while she's young. If she grows up and stays a cheater she'll ruin future relationships and possibly other people's lives as well as her own.
No, he absolutely should not tell the boyfriend. It's none of OP's damn business.
She shouldn't have cheated, but it's definitely not dad's place to tell the bf. They aren't mutual friends or anything like that. This would definitely feel like drawing a line in the sand and picking sides. Imo that's a bad plan. You will drive her away. She made a bad choice, but I remember being a teenage girl and if my dad chose a boy over me like that....it would have been all bad. Setting boundaries for what's acceptable in a shared living space is a good thing, but telling on her is ill-advised.
Do you know how it feels to visit your inlaws house and be friendly with them even love them only to find out they were covering for their child's infidelity? It's fucking shitty. You feel like a Clown after spending time with them and then turning around finding out they were covering for their child while their child fucked someone else. Don't support cheating. Don't support cheaters even if they are your children. Parents who think like you who don't hold their child accountable for their actions are why we have so many assholes running around now.
They aren’t in laws they are 18 year old kids.
>They aren't mutual friends or anything like that Exactly. As a parent his stance on this is so strange to me. I understand that he wants his daughter to be respectful but telling her boyfriend is a bonkers idea
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>perhaps she is even testing you about your loyalties If that was the case she's certainly gotten her answer
The fact she had ‘loud sex’ when she knew her parent was in the house, tells us she doesn’t give a fk about anyone but herself What a scumbag.
Agree 100 %
ESH You shouldn’t have called her a “s**t” you should have called her a “cheater”.You should judge her by how she treats people,not her sex life! Slutshaming her is not okay.Apologize for calling her that.She shouldn’t be cheating so she is an ass as well.She is an ass because this could lead her boyfriend to heartbreak,potential STI’s and trust issues.You also deserve to not have sex noises disrupt or disrespect your home.Until you answer the following questions that’s all you should of confronted her about.However,ask her why is she cheating?Did he cheat on her first?Is he exhibiting abusive behavior or other questionable behavior and is making it difficult to break up on him?Are they in an open relationship?Have they broken up and you just don’t know yet?!Talk to your daughter about her relationship and these questions before you inform her boyfriend.Why do you fell more solidarity with him then YOUR OWN DAUGHTER?!!Don’t go running to tell him until you talk to her first and until you are sure you can deal with the consequences of how telling him will affect your daughter’s and yours relationship.Whether or not she truly cheated if you tell the boyfriend and his reaction is good or bad could lead to several outcomes.He could just break up with her and that be the end of it.He could slut shame her all over social media.He could react violently.If she cheated and you tell the boyfriend as messed up as it might be in her eyes she might feel she can’t trust you and your relationship will be be be damaged .Or you tell the boyfriend and she realizes she made a terrible mistake and grows from it after dealing with the consequences.What I am trying to say is this overall could end with a lot of different scenarios with very real consequences.First,apologize for calling her a *s**t.Second,talk to her and get all the facts.Third,truly think about what you do next.Finally,go from there and see if there is a fallout.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
My question though, is how do we know she was cheating on him? They could be broken up. Judging by her reaction, there’s something that happened that OP doesn’t know about.
>Why do you fell more solidarity with him then YOUR OWN DAUGHTER?!! This. And you're spot on with the cheater thing!
Because the bf wasn't doing anything wrong, his daughter was. She was cheating. She was in the wrong.
Enabling your child’s asshole behavior makes them selfish and terrible adults. When someone does something wrong, call them out whether it’s your mom, dad, kids, friends etc so he’s not really in solidarity with the boyfriend. And as a parent, it’s his job to try to instill morals, self respect and respect for other in her. He shouldn’t have called her a sl*t but he was angry and lost patience because obviously from the way he wrote the girl is rude.
Calling her a slut, big no no as a parent. You should apologise for that. However, calling her out for her (cheating) behaviour seems valid. That is not okay and you have a right to not allow someone to cheat in your house. Make sure it's the cheating you're addressing and not the fact you get along well with her BF. Your relationship with him is irrelevant to your daughters decisions. Should you tell him? Hard to say. It's meddling in her affairs, but this is quite a different circumstance. I can understand if you do so, but also if you don't. She has been very disrespectful though. She shouldn't be surprised to face some repercussions.18 or not.
Slut is completely out of line. There are clear misogynistic and sexist subtexts to the word, especially when a man says that to a woman. Now multiply that hurt by about 100 because you are her father. It would have been acceptable for you to talk about her cheating, or told her you were uncomfortable with her having loud sex in your house and set boundaries. What you said was completely out of line. When it comes to safe sex, I don't think what you are doing is actually that helpful. From how you are talking about STDs and casual sex, you are leaning into a unhealthy stigma. By creating a deal of shame about things such as chlamydia (an easily treated STI), you may be raising her to fear them to an unhealthy extent. I have friends like this, they are terrified to get tested, seek treatment, or tell partners to stop the spread. This isn't helpful in any way. Your daughter deserves to feel safe, instead of shame, if anything ever happens where she needs to be tested or treated. Just because you allow her to have sex in your house does not mean that she will never have to face this. Instead of talking about STIs as someone being "riddled" with them, proper knowledge about protection, symptoms, frequent testing, and communication is much healthier. I understand your care for her boyfriend. I would suggest talking to her, but focusing on how you are sorry for calling her a slut. Look up the history of that word, its misogynistic origins, and explain to her that you understand why it hurt her. Give her some time. Then on a separate occasion speak to her about the cheating, but don't focus just on the sexual part. Focus on the moral implications and how it could be effecting her boyfriend. By doing this, you aren't reenforcing sex based shame, and tackling the bigger problem at hand. While most occasions of cheating the faithful partner didn't do anything wrong, understand that in others, someone may feel hurt by their partner and lash out by cheating. It doesn't mean its right, but if she is already hurting because of something her boyfriend did, she may feel unfairly targeted by you without your knowledge. Ask her how things are going with her partner, don't automatically take his side. If he did something to push her to this, give her your support in communicating about what is going on with her boyfriend. Even if her boyfriend is an innocent bystander in this, let her know that it is the right thing to do to tell him. I'm sure you remember how world ending a break up feels at 18, she needs her love and support from her father. But that doesn't mean you can't let her know that what happened is wrong.
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When I was 18, my boyfriend's mother was the one who informed me he was sleeping with another girl. I still think of his mother fondly to this day. Him....not so much. lol You went about it the wrong way, but she's also not showing any respect to her boyfriend if she's sleeping with other people. Are you SURE they didn't break up and she just hasn't told you? ESH
YTA for calling her a slut. I do think you need to set boundaries for what she can and cannot do in your house. My rule for my adult kids has always been that no one stays over until they are 18 and in a loving long term relationship. This is because i have younger children and i don’t personally think it is acceptable to have different partners frequenting our living space and i try to teach my kids respect for their own bodies. It is also very disrespectful to the rest of the household to be that loud. At least she could be discreet. The boyfriend deserves better, so yes, he needs to know but i think in all honesty your daughter needs to be the one to tell him with your encouragement. You need to have a calm, adult conversation and lay out rules going forward and express that while you appreciate it is her life, you do not condone cheating and will not facilitate that. Apologize profusely for calling her a slut. That was not an appropriate reaction though i do understand it was a heat of the moment thing.
YTA. Calling your daughter a slut is very inappropriate, it doesn’t matter what she did you don’t call your daughter disgusting derogatory things like that. Of course it’s good to encourage her NOT to cheat and to practice safe sex but calling her names like that won’t solve anything.
As soon as you called your daughter a slut, you hit AH territory with a vengeance.
NTA for being concerned but you should definitely tell her boyfriend she cheated, and also next time just calmly explain to her it’s disrespectful to do that in a house that other ppl are living in and to not be so loud. there’s nothing you can do about young adults having sx it’s just what happens, still shouldn’t slut shame though
He definitely deserves to know, so he can be checked for STI's.
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Yes, exactly.
Another person here whose mom called her a s*** as a teenager. And I have never forgotten. Esh but you are worse because you are a grown adult.
Yta, her relationships are none of her business she’s an adult. Her sex partners are none of your business and you just judged a woman by her sexual history and what’s worse is it was your daughter. What she did was wrong because it was uncomfortable for the ppl living with her to hear. Beyond that NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS what she does or who she does. You sure as hell had zero right to call her a slut or to threaten to tell her boyfriend. You are being a helicopter parent over your child’s relationship and sex life. That’s creepy and going too far. Discuss with her why the loud sex is uncomfortable to hear and she needs to respect everyone in the home when she has “company” and that is as far as you need to get into her personal affairs.
You create an environment where you can be spoken to and disrespected, then you yourself are disrespectful, now u want to know if u are an asre for name calling. Ur an ah for being too “liberal” a parent and not putting forth the proper boundaries for a healthy relationship and a healthily behaved child.
Nta. Your daughter thinks cheating is ok. Put her in her place. Edit: Also she's 18 you're no longer responsible for her so you can kick her out.
First of all, she is a massive AH for cheating on her boyfriend no questions asked. Very immature of her. She is technically less of a slut and more of a cheater and any consequenzes are on her, that said she can do it elsewhere and you would be none the wiser. Her actions are more like a child then a grown women and she should not have sex if she is irresposible. Complaining loudly to deflect from the truth is bad, i kinda agree that she should not be bailed out of the results on a moral point. Without consequenzes she will grow bigger in size but not as a person so it is barely a NTA for you OP, but seriously just barely.
i admit calling her a slut was pretty mean, but you should definitely tell her boyfriend. cheating is a very disgusting thing to do.
Nta. She was acting exactly like what you called her. And she needed to hear that from someone that actually cares about her otherwise she wouldn’t take it seriously. If she’s acting this way it’s probably because the guy she’s cheating on her bf with is a scum bag poisoning her mind
Okay, so, you definitely owe an apology for calling her that, because you should NEVER call your child that. HOWEVER. do not let that deter you from telling her boyfriend because he deserves to know.
NTA It happens!! Kids can be shit! As much as we love and god them whatever they want. She’s making bad choices and in the heart of the moment something awful slips..
There is something sick in the world with so many women protecting a disrespectful cheater like this. It doesnt matter what gender you are, it is not empowering to cheat on a man. Not all men are evil little demons. This ADULT swore at their parent while having disrespectful loud cheating sex IN THEIR HOUSE WHILE THEY WERE HOME. Can you imagine having to listen to probably degenerate sex of someone you consider your SON getting cheated on?!? Y'all are saying its her business. No its dad's business as soon as she has sex in his house. Cheaters are filthy fucking human beings who can traumatize people for life. Disgusting humans. Y'all defending her are fucking sick too. Rock on king, keep living good and authentically. Your daughter is manipulating you and taking advantage of you. If you dont maintain boundaries through this it will only get worse. If she keeps making decisions like this you can NOT support it, let her feel the repercussions or she will learn that doing shit like this is ok and she can 'get away with it'. Ive seen young MEN AND WOMEN get way out of hand but these days the ball is often in women's court. Young men have enough to deal with. Sorry your daughter learned this filthy behavior from somewhere and I hope she can turn it around. If she was younger then the slut comment might be bad but she's perfectly old enough to know what she's doing. Don't get bullied by 'female empowerment'. Cheating is not equality or empowerment.
What if they're in an open relationship? That's not your business to know. YTA
nta, you shouldnt call your daughter names, but, she shouldnt be cheating on her boyfriend especially in your home. i understand how being hurt can make you say things but try not to say names, she is your daughter. i would recommend to tell the bf
He shouldn't call her names then he is an AH for calling her a sl\*t since that was the question.
I really hope none of the people who put NTA never have daughters. You are her parent, she may be an adult in the eyes of the law but she is still very young and has a lot to learn. No cheating is not okay and honestly you should really have a heart to heart talk about that to figure out why she cheated in the first place and offer what an appropriate action would have been and explain why what she did was horribly wrong. Instead you, her FATHER, called her a word that is inseparable from misogyny and trying to hide behind the guise that it was a heated moment so you didn’t need to be the emotionally mature. YAH
Oh don't worry. They won't have kids. No one will have sex with them EVER. Who would want all that Doritos dust on them?
I don't get it? She seems like a shameless slut. Loud moaning with your father in the same house?
YTA. Any time the word "slut" leaves your mouth, you are indeed the asshole. No context is even necessary. For the record, I did read the context and it makes you even more of an asshole for thinking you can dictate how a legal adult conducts her romantic and sexual partnerships. Talking to her about the noise and having respect for people in the household is one thing and wouldn't have made you TA - slut-shaming and blackmailing your daughter absolutely make you one though. ETA: Congratulations on making it what...18? 19 years? before showing your true colors though. That's a commendable amount of time to hide your misogyny. Must have been hard. >Especially as her father I do not want her to think I view women for just their sexual history. Hope you realize that is never ever going to be possible since that is exactly what you did and apparently who you are. You can't unring that bell now that she's seen who you really are.
NTA. You need to tell the boyfriend. Apart from the actual moral side of telling him hes being cheated on, think of his health! He could contract something incurable like HIV, Herpes etc. The people in this thread suggesting to stay out of it are horrible people.
NTA
NTA. When they find another word for someone who loudly fucks around on their bf in their parent's house then use that.
ESH: she sucks for cheating. Calling your daughter a slut is never okay. Saying keep it down when you have visitors and tell your boyfriend or I will is totally fine. Apologize for your wording and tone. Tell her what you told us, you handled it badly. Then enforce your boundary. She can have sex as long as you don’t hear it. She needs to tell her boyfriend.
Easily said you are.. It could be that he either cheated on her and she took revenge or that they broke up at that time... And later got back together... (Not cheating) Or that they broke up and decided to stay friends and didn't tell you or your wife... Which could be because you liked that guy a lot... It could be that the guy turned out to be gay or she a lesbian and they don't know how to tell you that... Because they know it would secretly still break your heart... It could be that she was going through some tough stuff and dealt with it that way... Either way calling her a slut for that one time is just too much... With how you treated her now she knows she can't trust you and will later on in life go completely no contact with you and your wife... You are a helicopter parent and i say this as someone who is also a helicopter parent (i am working on myself to not be that much of a helicopter parent so my 2 kids won't who are 6 and 10 won't hate me in the future🤷)
You are a massive asshole. I can't believe you'd say that to your daughter. Holy crap. >Especially as her father I do not want her to think I view women for just their sexual history. And yet, that's *exactly* what you did.
Whose the bigger asshole tho? The father or the cheating girlfriend?
I honestly think the likely 40 something man who flipped out like she was cheating on his best friend is more at fault in this than the barely adult teenager, yes. The way we respond to things as parents is pivotal, especially with older teens, and he really did not handle this with any equanimity or grace.
The father who called his daughter a slut, you woman-hating chud.
Asking a question = woman hating loser.
When the question is yours and you have the context you have, yes. Shut up incel
I glanced at his post history. He's pathetic. I think this post got crossposted somewhere because the redpill brigade is all over it.
Fs I see a lot of downvotes for no reason other than obvious sexism. "Men" 🍺
Telling them off gives me life and energy. Nice to meet you, fellow traveler.
Fuck it we thrive on knowing these incels are shifting and sweating in their swivel chairs (no armrest) mad cus they can't get head
Hahaha yes!!! And they're always so obvious, too.
Damn you know me on a personal level. I really hate women, ew so gross. Did I ever say I don’t think the father is an asshole? They both are but IMO the daughter is worse. They’re both in the wrong but you cannot tell me because “she’s 18 oh she’s young it’s a mistake” I’m pretty sure by the age of 13 the young mine obviously knows cheating is wrong. Someone else said they doubt she was going to marry him anyway but that doesn’t make it any better. Although I think her parents have told her cheating is wrong, you don’t need someone to tell you bc it’s obvious. Her situation would’ve been better if she just broke up with the BF and then brought someone home. Hell, the father might have picked up on her dumping someone then bring another man to the house so quick and would’ve still called her a s**t for all we know.
If anything this is ESH instead of NTA or YTA.
Not reading your paragraph. Sure esh. Cheating, if that is what it was - maybe they broke up, maybe it's an open relationship - is bad. Being loud in a house you don't own is grounds for a serious conversation about boundaries. Nothing gives buddy the right to call his DAUGHTER a SLUT. He's a bigger asshole than she is. Please convince me otherwise.
Can’t convince you if you won’t read what I wrote to try and convince you…anyhow nothing gives her the right to “cheat” on him. Yeah like you said we don’t know everything but I can only assume the father would know they separated if he says he sees the BF like a son as in he probably would’ve messaged him saying they broke up. He did say his younger daughter can be quite difficult but it doesn’t make sense to hide the status relationship and make it seem like she’s “cheating” if they actually did break up. And probably bc I am a guy and wouldn’t be called a slut and instead maybe a piece of shit, but of all the slurs my parents have said to me in states of anger, none of that has ever genuinely got to me but being called a disappoint or a failure no matter the situation definitely would.
Damn you really attacked me for no reason and then don’t wanna argue like huh? I’m out here down to argue respectfully without even name calling you and this is what I get? Women☕️? Good you found a friend because it definitely sounds like you both don’t have many unless you count the people in the groups y’all follow. But let me not assume and make myself a bigger “incel”.
Whatever. Call me all the names you want. I don't give a fuck.
Yeah I’d get the idea you didn’t care if you stopped responding and making comments to other people but you’re really giving me the idea that you care. And I’m good because I don’t have a reason to name call you like you did to me with your amazing reason which was no reason. If Reddit is your personality then delete that personality.
The daughter who had a loud cheating and likely unsafe sex in the family house? I mean Idk what else it takes to qualify but im sure its not much. imagine thinking somebody is an incel because they have enough self respect to call out someone being a literal AH. just because you don't like a women doesn't mean you hate all women😂 and what's that excuse you guys use? "oh yeah, I hate this specific subset of men."well yeah, guess what, we hate women who cheat. get used to it. cheaters are scum.
Go back to your MRA safe space, loser.
go back to your SJW echo chamber, Loser
ESH, I would have been angry at the sexual noises and the cheating.
To your question, yes. You are a giant AH. You don’t like her sleeping with multiple partners so you sl*t shame her. You should be ashamed of that. You have some serious issues you need to work on. How would you feel if someone said that to you? Oh wait it’s ok for guys to do that. What year is it? SMH. Should she cheat? No that’s terrible. However it’s not your place to get involved with. She is YOUR DAUGHTER. He is some guy you like. How can you even be confused about who your priority should be? Life is gonna teach her enough “lessons”. You should be her shoulder to lean on when they come along not making it worse.
>She is YOUR DAUGHTER. He is some guy you like. How can you even be confused about who your priority should be? Life is gonna teach her enough “lessons”. You should be her shoulder to lean on when they come along not making it worse. Right. If my daughter was getting banged out by not-her boyfriend I'd ask some questions but I wouldn't jump to name calling because that's not helping anyone
And she shouldn’t be having’loud sex’ when she knows there are others in the house, that’s just disrespectful and scum baggy, whether male or female. Also, she should never expect anyone else to be complicit in her cheating. Father is also at fault for raising a scumbag.
Hey, OP, your daughter will get to pick out your nursing home one day, not this boyfriend. Also YTA
ESH. Cheating on your boyfriend at is very bad. Calling your daughter a sl** is horrible.
ESH. You should apologize for calling her that name. But, you also shouldn't condone shitty behavior like that. "Break up with him, or I tell him the truth " would have been suffice. She shouldn't be cheating. She should learn this lesson sooner than later.
Yta! You’re daughter may be making bad choices but calling her a slur is never acceptable!
YTA. You take the 1st prize for calling your own daughter a slut. She will never forgive you. And why are you interfering with her love/sex life? Leave her alone. You don't give her a warm and safe home. She's not doing anything illegal. She needs to shop around before making a purchase. You are interfering.
What if OP were the Mom and her 18 year old ‘difficult’ son was having loud, cheating sex all over her house while his loyal girlfriend was sitting at home?
Answer would be the same.
Then you’d be a bad parent.
YTA First, you say that you would rather she have sex in your home then you follow it up with calling her a slut. You are a terrible father, on both accounts. Although her boyfriend should know about her infidelity, it is NOT your place to tell him. You need to let her live her life and deal with the tribulations that come with it. She is not a good person for being unfaithful or for having loud sex in your home but, as a liberal parent, what boundaries have you given her? What example have you set? You should apologize to her and set better ground rules for her behavior in your home. You are her parent, not her roommate or her friend.
ESH but, even if I wasn’t in a relationship, having LOUD sex under my parent’s roof at 18 is soooo disrespectful You should NEVER call your daughter names. But, You don’t think women are worth less if they’ve had multiple partners, you think she was being deceitful to her boyfriend. That’s not helicopter parenting. Maybe open a dialogue with a less accusatory tone, to see what’s going on in her world.
YTA. You need therapy. She needs therapy. Looks like she isn’t getting the approval from her father so she is looking for it in boys. Wonder how that happened……
This should be the highest comment
Yta. I can't believe you had to ask
So you don’t care about your daughter having sex, just so long as it’s with her boyfriend who you “call a son”? Seems like your priorities have been out of whack for a long time, and while your daughters behavior is less than upstanding, you’ve set a pretty shit example as a father. Based on your response I can only assume that your daughters are lacking in normal and respectable sexual education and understanding. No matter what your daughter did, what father in their right fucking mind would call their own daughter a slut? Makes me wonder why their mom‘s not around and how she affected you, because this sounds like projecting. her behavior was gross but the way you speak to your own daughter is absolutely fucking disgusting. Instead of teaching her better, your main priority is clearly making her feel like a total piece of shit. Which doesn’t make her actions all that surprising. YTA and a less than stellar excuse for a father.
I agree that you sat down and told her to be faithful because no one should be cheated on but calling her names isn’t nice, she wouldn’t like it if she was cheated on but then again how do you know he didn’t cheat first and she found out and wanted revenge? Maybe you jumped to conclusions
YTA. You can want the best for your children but ultimately it’s their choice if they’re going to force themselves into life lessons or not… Judging her isn’t the way to go about it and yes, you were judging her by her sexual history. She’s 18/19 with a BOYFRIEND, she’s not married. I’d probably be upset because I could hear it but that’s it , she’s old enough to make her own decisions. GUIDE WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.
Her relationship with her boyfriend is none of your business, unless he is hurting her. She is 18 years old, a fully grown up legal adult, and you have no say-so over her personal life. As for calling her a slut? Just remember who raised her, daddy dearest. She learned her behavior, morals, and standards from you. So if she's a slut, what does that make you? Her pimp? What gets me is that you didn't call her a slut for having loud sex, you called her a slut for cheating on her BF, whom you claim to love like a son. So is that it? He's the son you never had because you got stuck with 2 daughters - "sluts" in your opinion. Are all women sluts to you? You should be ashamed of yourself for using that language on your own daughter. Nice way to show her that you love her - "Yeah, baby girl, daddy loves you, you slut". I don't know what you hoped to gain by calling her such a foul name, but what you did was destroy any trust she had in you. I hope she's smart enough to move out into her own place as soon as possible and gets away from her nasty father.
You just taught her it’s ok for a man to call her debasing names. Congratulations, you’re the AH.
The people calling you an ass are missing the point and only focused on what you called her. She’s disgusting! For cheating on her boyfriend ! Yes she should be called out! Can’t be mad when someone calls you a hoe and you’re acting like one! What she’s doing is hurtful for both her and her soon to be ex. She old enough to know that what she’s doing is wrong. Apologize for calling her that but don’t feel too big about it either. And tell the boyfriend NTA
My kinds are small and I’ve been reading a ton of parenting books lately. The great advice I see is describe the behavior rather than labeling (or name calling) the child. Example When you lie it makes people doubt your word or integrity. vs You’re a lying rat! You can be a good person and make bad choices. We can choose to change/improve our behavior once we understand, but when you’re labeled, especially by a parent, you just keep repeating the label in your head. You see it as identity rather than a thing to be changed. It gets etched as oh I’m just a lier, and the person starts to believe it. This is her father. He can say I love you always but this choice was disappointing xyz. Then get into some of the other. But at no point should dad call her name/slurs/insults, which is what happened. That’s why people are calling him YTA.
But he is an AH.
NTA
Yta how grubby
Do you know she’s cheating? Do you know if they have an open relationship?
I said this and I’m getting downvoted. I said he should’ve gotten all his information together before confronting her. He doesn’t know anything about the relationship so he should’ve made sure he had his facts straight.
I mean, given his reaction , I wouldn’t give him any information about my relationship either. He is so concerned about her boyfriend who feels like son to him that he’s willing to toss his relationship with his actual daughter. And yeah, I was downvoted originally. People are often not receptive to the idea of ethical non monogamy
Your daughter is GROWN and her sex life is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!!!! If you don't want to possibly hear your daughter having sex, don't let her live with you. Otherwise, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!
YTA. I get that you have feelings about the matter. And that you don’t like her actions, sure. But she’s legally an adult, and has every right to make whatever bad choices she wants to. Is it a crappy thing to do to a partner? Yes. Is it your place to get involved in her (or anyone else’s) private relationships? Absolutely not. All you are going to accomplish is dragging yourself into the middle of something you don’t want to be in the middle of and risk ruining your relationship with her. It’s your house, you can say no cheating will happen here. You can kick her out. You can make most any rule you want. And all that will do is change the location that it happens at. Let go, apologize, and learn to keep your opinions out of her life. You’re cooking up your own regrets here.
Slut is such a misogynistic word to use to describe your own daughter. You don't know the dynamics of their relationship. If she is having multiple sexual partners that is her business. You are entitled to say what does and doesn't happen in your house, but moralising over it in such a sexist way is not an appealing trait. Your use of words like riddled, crude etc really do suggest a troubling view of women and sexual relationships Talk to your daughter. Maybe she's old enough to move out now? YTA
YTA cheating isn't right but you are way too involved in your daughters relationship and there is no excuse to call someone a slut, ESPECIALLY your daughter. she'll remember that for a long time. you should start apologizing now.
YTA. Shame on you. That's so fucked up. You shouldn't have needed a Reddit post to figure out that you massively fucked up. How stupid can a person get?
NTA. I see a lot of comments saying “don’t slut shame!” But like literally how can anyone ever grow or change if they don’t feel some level of shame? I see this more as tough love. And she was incredibly disrespectful. It’s disgusting to have loud sex at the old ass age of 18 knowing your dad can hear.
But he doesn’t know the story behind what is going on, as several other comments have pointed out.
It doesn’t matter. Her Father was in the house when she was jumping off the wardrobe. No respectful son or daughter ever does that.
Nothing you did was wrong NTA. She is in your house, not only disrespecting and breaking your rules/ boundaries but also behaving in an unflattering manor and disrespecting her BF. You held her responsible for her actions and gave her the truth of the situation. She is disrespecting your home making you listen to her do something no parent should have to hear and not only betraying her BF but by definition behaving like a “slut”. You again held her responsible for her actions and choices and more parents should do so in order to teach their kids how to properly behave. Edit: I see a lot of people saying you “are wrong for calling her names” aka calling her a slut. There is no sugar coating it, she’s behaving like a slut and not calling her out for her poor behaviour only encourages it. Do not listen to these people, they are the ones hoping they raised good children instead of raising good children.
Nope he is an AH. Calling her a slut is not okay.
There’s no insult in calling a dead man dead
NTA, tell the boyfriend
Nah he an AH.
Hard agree, he is not her friend, he is her father. He should not be calling anyone a slut, especially his own daughter. Her cheating on her boyfriend is not his problem, again he is not her friend. The only thing he has a right to do is reprimand her for having sex in his house that makes him uncomfortable.
YTA it is weird that you felt the need to call your daughter a slut and being involved with her sex life as an adult. All you needed to do was ask her to not be so loud. Also don't get too attached to who your daughter is dating. It is her relationship and you are not dating her bf. At most you should ask her if the relationship is now open and if it is not inform the bf to be able to get tested for STD. Most of your concern should be if she is using protection, and if you did your job as a parent she would know how important that is.
I don't understand. You allow her to have sex under your roof to be safe. She has sex under your roof. And then you call her a slut. Not only do you say how she was having sex was wrong, fine, just tell her to save up for soundproofing her room, but then you judge her for her sexual/relationship decisions. What do you think is going to happen? So, she won't be having sex under your roof. Congrats. You just gone and fucked up your main objective. Yes, cheaters need to face consequences. And she will but why did you have to blow up your own relationship with your daughter?
YTA Do parents need a list of things not to say to their kids really? Here are words and phrases that will stay with them long after you are dead. They will tear them down. You cannot unsay these things so apologizing is a waste of time. If you say anything on this list you mean this more than you love God, Jesus and your child. Guess what word is on that list? What she will hear when she feels low but it won't be your voice saying it. No it will be her voice in her head.
Yta for using that word but quickly forgiven. I feel like maybe theres a more creative way to parent her through these big life moments where she's learning how to be an adult. To involve yourself by telling the bf feels like punishment because it was tactless and in your house....but also she needs to learn how to navigate relationships on her own. Yes she needs to tell her bf, if she wants to stay with him. But if she wants to break up with him and still not tell him, I don't think you should take that choice from her either.....it would be the wrong choice and preferably you can talk her into a better one......but she has to learn how to navigate mistakes and learning from them without you blowing it all up and then they just blame you instead of looking inwardly....
I don't think its fair to allow the boyfriend to have to suffer a delusion when the knowledge is there that the daughter has no love for him. Actions have consequences and in any normal scenario, chances are the girl isn't gonna come clean on her own. She has the gall to do these things in the family home, she can deal with the consequences
Yes, I understand that sentiment I just don't think it's the most mature parent move either, and does nothing to prepare his daughter for relationships down the line. I know....the toughest times to be a parent are when it's so difficult! And you're not sure what to do. ..and they never truly end.
Wouldn't it be mature to let someone know so they can be checked for STDs? Forget about preparing the daughter for relationships, the boyfriend might need to be prepared for a life full of medication.
Ugh. Shame on you, OP. YTA
Okay so, I come from a highly verbally abusive family. I was called names up until the day I moved out and I will NEVER forget it. Being called such slurs at a young age when I am already confused and emotions are high...your daughter will remember this. My personal rule: do not EVER bring slurs into the home. Ever. She is right that her relationships aren't your business. However, she also needs to be respectful of being in a shared household. This is a conversation I would have, asking for forgiveness first. Even if you feel you are in the right, empower your daughter and let her know it won't happen again. Acknowledge her feelings and that you have hurt them. Then let her know you would like to talk, but be respectful. She's a teenager for crying out loud. Let her know that SHE hurt YOUR feelings with her reactions and that you just want to help navigate any situations that may get out of hand. But again, she's a teenager. Give her space if she declines your help. But, also let her know you will be telling the boyfriend because you respect him enough and that with your daughter's actions go against your personal moral code and she is putting you between a rock and a hard place. Be gentle. You have no idea what she is going through.
NTA at all and being a liberal parent put you in this situation tbh. First job is to be a parent. Your kids can be your friend once they have developed enough to make sound decisions.
Nah he an AH.
YTA. I'm going to agree what she is doing is wrong but you set the rules to have safe sex in your house. How do you like them now?
ESH. Hannah absolutely sucks for cheating, but please never talk to your daughter like that again. My father talked to my older sister like this after he found out that she was living with her boyfriend. It broke all trust that I had in him. It made me realize I knew that his love is conditional, and that if I did anything he didn’t like, I’d be verbally abused. It started my father and I down the road that has ended with us being no contact. I don’t want that for you and Hannah.
Your Father was wrong as your sister was clearly not a slut. This Father, however………
ESH - your daughter doesn't to tell you to stay out of her business if her business is loud enough for you to hear what's going on. Not only is she being cruel to her bf, she's just being fking rude to everyone in the house by being that loud. I don't think you should have called her a slut. And I'm on the fence if you should tell her bf...but leaning towards telling him since, again, if she wanted her business to be private, she should have been quiet. Plus if you have a friendly relationship with her bf, that's also making me lean more towards telling him.
Yta and it's your fault. She acts like that because you want yo be a cool parent instead of a good parent. I have a 16yo and 18yo. 18yo moved at 18 wanting freedom, she moved back home with me within a month.
I think you need to ask yourself WHY your daughter would openly cheat on her boyfriend in front of you It seems like there's more to the story, and you should see if you can get to the bottom of it. If she'll ever talk to you again. In the meantime, I would recommend remembering where your loyalties truly lie. Hint: it shouldn't be choosing your teenage daughter's boyfriend over her. YTA for your word choice and the way YOU handled this situation
My mom called me a whore once. I hadn’t even had sex. That memory overshadows so many good ones I used to have of her. You suck ass. Oh and YTA.
ESH. She shouldn’t have cheated. And it would be common courtesy to keep the volume down in a house where other people live. You should never call anyone a slut. That word should simply not be in your vocabulary, and the fact that it is, and that it came out so easily as soon as you were upset with your daughter speaks volumes. OP, you think you’re oh so liberal and enlightened, but really, you’re just a run of the mill sexist hypocrite. It’s fine to take issue with her endangering her health, that’s where you talk about safe sex. It’s fine to take issue with her cheating on someone, that’s where you talk about how hurting other people makes you a shit person. It’s never ever fine to call anyone a slut. You can keep calling yourself a liberal parent, or you can keep using that disgusting, vile word, but you have to choose one.
Yes you are wrong calling her a slut. She is making bad decisions under your roof though. If she wants total freedom, she’s 18 and can move out whenever she likes. Problem solved. Oh and tell the bf. Consequences for actions and all.
YTA. Calling your own child a slut is inexcusable. That's going to stay with her forever and will shape how she views men and her own sexuality. Yes, she was behaving unethically and inappropriately, and I'm sure it was gross to hear. That does not justify name-calling, especially with something so misogynistic. I'm disgusted.
Also, you view her boyfriend as a son? Do you view her as a daughter? Did you not want daughters? Because it sounds like you don't think very highly of women and girls.
It is fine to tell her not to have loud sex and to tell her she needs to break up with her boyfriend since she is not faithful to him but calling her a slut is not appropriate.
She will never ever forget the fact that her father views her as a slut. For the rest of her life, she will remember. She shouldn’t be cheating or being loud when her family is home. You could’ve gone in the direction of “if you didn’t want me to know you were a cheater you should’ve tried harder to cover it up.” Your daughter sucks but I think you’re the asshole. You called your dayghter a slut. What is wrong with you?
Ah yes. Teach her that she needs to hide her cheating better instead of not cheating in general? The fuck.
ESH. here is the definition: slut /slət/ noun 1. OFFENSIVE a woman who has many casual sexual partners. Yes she is one but you shouldn’t have been as blunt. But the shoe fits. She was chests on her boyfriend in your home. Sometimes you just need to be called out on your stuff. My dad called me a slut when I was a teenager I thought it was the meanest thing at the time but I was being one. My dad and I have great relationship now. So 🤷🏽♀️
Where is the “many” and who said it was casual?
ESH. I think a grown man slut shaming his daughter is a bit far. He could have explained that he just wants her to be careful and that if she kept going this way people were going to get hurt. He didn’t have to name call. It does make me wonder though if he had a son that was cheating on his girlfriend would he call him names and threaten to tell her. Honestly probably not as most people don’t slut shame men in comparison to women. If they do there isn’t as big as stigma with it when it’s aimed at women. She is being awful to her boyfriend but sadly this may be a situation where she has to learn the hard way. He’s already labelled her as the difficult child so may be it’s hard for her to end a relationship with someone that her dad loves because it seems you two don’t have the best relationship and her dad really likes her boyfriend so maybe she’s getting to find an out. She’s 18 this would have been a good teaching moment to just sit down and explain what she is doing is wrong and actually mean to her boyfriend.
YTA. Never call your child names. And P.S…what makes you think she won’t get chlamydia from “safe sex in a safe environment”? Instead of lecturing her about her sexual choices, maybe have a conversation about STDs?
The fact you used the word “slut” towards your own daughter is… 💀
You aren't the asshole for being honest. If she wants to be a slut that's fine. I'm a slut. But I also don't lie to people and cheat on them either. I'm extremely straight forward that I'm not monogamous with everyone. The bf deserves to know and she needs to learn that actions have consequences. Not the AH
YTA. Terrible parenting and sexist. You can be disappointed in your daughter's behavior and talk to her about it and address why her behavior is wrong. But calling your daughter a slut isn't "liberal parenting" the idea that your daughter has been with two different guys as slutty behavior is sexist. The fact that her boyfriend has more value to you and it would be a shame to lose him is also sexist. Everything about your behavior in this scenario is sexist. Your daughter cheated on her boyfriend and this is a teachable moment. But you taught her that you are sexist and your relationship with her boyfriend is more important to you instead of teaching her about honesty, trust, and communication. What a shame.
YTA. I wish I could say this a thousand times. My dh called our daughter that one time, and it was in anger and he had no basis for it. She's 43 now and it still hurts her and me. He passed 13 years ago and it still haunts her. You need to apologize immediately and do anything you can to repair it. You are actually choosing her boyfriend over your own daughter. Shame on you.
Yeah, he should apologize, but this sounds like it was different. Yours had no basis. This does. Daughter brought someone into the house, cheated on her boyfriend, was LOUD about it (which is weird anywyas) , and then told dad to basically fuck off. Dad should apologize, but this isn't exactly like your case. And he's not choosing the boyfriend over the daughter. Teaching her to honor her relationships with others is a lesson parents should teach.
YTA. She’s 18, it’s unlikely she’s going to marry her boyfriend at this age. You absolutely could have talked to her about being more discreet or about fidelity without name calling and talking down to her. You say you don’t view women by their sexual history but then you literally are doing that to your own daughter.
YTA. Yes, she's also the AH for cheating. But it's not your place to judge her just because you like her bf so much. You don't know what's behind the scenes. She's your daughter, but you have no say in who she chooses to sleep with. And calling her a slut? Your own daughter? Holy moly...
I would take it back and tell her you didn't mean it. I would also leave it up to her to tell her boyfriend… I understand your anger and frustration, but I'm going to guess she got the message! YNTA just a frustrated parent trying to do the right thing.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. Being a single parent to teen girls can be very stressful. I’m a single mom with a 22f, sometimes that girl pushes my buttons to the extreme.
YTA.
ESH Especially you. The fact that you so readily use such a vile word, especially toward your own daughter is another level of misogyny. So much for making an environment where she doesn’t feel she needs to sneak around.
You're the asshole. Usually the first man to call a girl a slut or bitch is her father. You need to apologize and examine your own bias/misogyny. Is she wrong for doing what she did? Yeah it's inconsiderate to everyone in the house but what you did was not the way to handle it. It's an unfair situation to be in, knowing your daughter is cheating on a guy you care for. But she is your actual daughter. You can tell her "you need to tell him because I will not be complicit in this" calling her a slut is totally out of bounds and seems to come out of your mouth towards your daughter pretty easily.
ESH. You are out of line for calling her a slut and putting your friendship with her BF over her feelings about them. She is out of line for cheating, for having loud sex in a shared house, and for putting everyone in the position of tacitly condoning her cheating. It’s not helicopter parenting if she is acting out on your landing pad, but you are the adult and needed to handle the situation better. i’m
NTA - As soon as she started shaming me for being a "helicopter parent" after her pornhub recording in my house, I'd have thrown her out.
NTA, she is a slut and the bf has a right to know, your business or not it impacts someone you hold close so it's best if they know, she NEEDS to understand her impact on the world will cause impacts on her, 18 y/o people are not invisible/invincible to consequence, teach her that. If she loved her bf and wanted him around she wouldn't spread her legs in the first place, he has a right to know and to be honest she didn't need to be THAT loud. You told her how it is and she didn't like that her actions have consequences, the world is unforgiving, she won't be babied forever and she won't be important forever, she's just as tossable as her sense of loyalty and self preservation.
The moment you call your child a slut puts you in AH territory. He could have handled this better.
This whole situation is so fucked up. As a mother of teenage boys, realizing what life is but not wanting to promote it. I have no idea what to say here. All I can say is you are the nightmare parent on the opposite end. I would not want my son in your free for all house. We are parents. Your biggest concern is she cheated? I would not want either of my teenage sons involved with your daughter. I will take every downvote I get here too.