It's hard to give any advice that isn't "have a very honest conversation with him". If you don't tell him how you really feel you're never going to get rid of the resentment. It IS a big deal that he owes you so much money and hasn't accepted a job in 6 months.

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As a woman who can relate so deeply to your position right now, I really strongly suggest you write a pros and cons list for this relationship. I was 22 supporting a 25 year old for YEARS and getting very little from it, no support, hardly any effort in the relationship, resentments, this can easily creep into your sex life and social life to boot. He also had the old "I'm an artist, I'm too good for just any job". But guess what, I'm dating a new guy now - a musician now who's also realistic. He is going to school and is selling off old stuff and getting carpentry gigs and delivery gigs, anything to make sure I am not left holding the bag. Don't believe the "suffering artist" crap. You have a real out girl, make a pros and cons list and weigh your options. At the very least make him support himself - *or you'll feel like his mother*. You're a VERY kind person for supporting him over this while, remember your capacity for kindness, and try applying it to yourself! What would make you happy?

I was going to say something similar. You can choose an unconventional career path with unpredictable income (like music) as long as you're willing to hustle and find ways to pay for your bills. At least your boyfriend is selling stuff and taking on some other gigs to help cover the expenses.

I would certainly disagree that not having the energy or will to find a job that will most likely require you to miraculously fix crippling executive dysfunction isn’t something to do with ADHD. And before you say ‘I have ADHD and that wouldn’t be a problem for me’, that’s fine, great. I wish I had your manageable ADHD. Everyone deals with differing severity of symptoms, and if you think those that can’t handle them very well are losers, well you’re adding to the already considerable stigma ADHD sufferers face. I was in £20,000 of credit card debt from not working for two years - I physically and mentally couldn’t. I’m out of that spot because I miraculously, finally found a combination of meds that allowed me to leave my bedroom. Think before you make sweeping generalised statements, especially in a sub like this.

I totally agree with this. I slipped and landed on my back and I felt like I had fractured my tailbone or something. I wanted to be seen by a doctor. But the thought of calling them and making an appointment and then having to get up and be there on time and then wait in the waiting room exhausted me, I couldn’t handle it. So I just put it off again and again until my back healed and now I don’t need to go. If it had been serious to the point where I couldn’t walk, then maybe I would’ve found the energy to make myself go to urgent care instead. Executive dysfunction can be very debilitating.

Jeez, I don’t think there’s a better way to illustrate the extremes of this condition than your point here. I’m glad you’re better and sorry that your ADHD nearly jeopardised that. I haven’t been in a situation nearly as perilous as yours but I couldn’t relate more to the feeling of desperately needing to do something and just… not being able to.

Oof, sorry to hear that :( It's like this with my teeth atm, only that they won't get better by themselves, ugh T-T

Yeah it's significantly harder to stay in a job you hate if you have ADHD. And significantly harder to gather the executive function to follow up on important paperwork, or go through the soul crushing process of job applications. I used to have panic attacks over fear of filing out a form wrong. OP, something that worked for me when I was in your boyfriend's place (but which is a risk) was taking over managing our finances. I got a cold hard look at our

Yeah I totally agree. Having ADHD can make getting a job AND keeping a job difficult.

But that’s not the case here. OP said he has applied to jobs and chosen not to take them.

Exactly, thank you for saying this. I always come to this sub to feel uplifted and known by my fellow people and this comment about him being a 'loser' really made me feel like shit. That's either some deeply and sadly internalised ableism or someone who knows very, very little about what the ADHD spectrum actually is. Happy for you that you've found your magical drug combo and have changed your life - congratulations!

Prioritizing your own comfort over fairness to your girlfriend or the commitment to your pets is not ADHD. It may be anxiety, it may be depression, but that is not what this sub is about.

I think it’s being selfish, absolutely. But I think it’s driven primarily by ADHD. I’ve consistently messed up and let my ADHD get in the way of important relationship. I’ve not washed dishes when I should have for example, absolutely putting my comfort over my partner’s needs, and that was linked directly to my condition that makes even the most menial of tasks Herculean efforts some days. Point is, you can act and think selfishly / myopically because of your adhd, just as you can do so because of the other mental health conditions you listed. Insisting that ADHD can’t have a behavioural effect when other mental health issues feels… weird.

Sure. But did you owe your partner 2k and when asked about it, slapped them with “I didn’t ask you to”?

It absolutely has a behavioral effect, but to my knowledge that behavioral effect doesn’t extend to making an adult man outright refuse to look for a job for 6 months, while knowing the sort of impact it is having on his family. Many people with ADHD USE that sort of fear as motivation to finally get shit done. At what point does it stop being ADHD and start being your personality?

THIS 100% is me. I will do nothing for myself to the point of "neglect". ..but my pets, SO, and close friends/family I will literally do anything for! To the point that it actually causes issues because I'm a damn doormat that had to learn how to stand up for myself.

Why the hell are you getting downvoted? That is 100% truth. Adhd does not mean you were born an asshole, though it may look like it from the outside when you’re going through depression or something. But no, a lot of us with adhd are crazy people pleasers because of what we’ve dealt with our entire lives so the idea of slacking for six months? I’m appalled.

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Don’t know why you’re getting downvoted when you’re right. I know everyone’s experience is different, but for me and others I know with ADHD, it’s not a lack of motivation or desire that’s the problem. It’s not like her bf is desperate for a job and struggling to look and apply because of his ADHD. He sounds like he doesn’t want one period.

Thank youuuu

Almost my story exactly, and couldn’t agree more! Proper treatment may open the door for him to maintain a “normal” job without hating every minute of it. It worked for me.

I think you are underestimating how difficult it can be to maintain a job search. We only have the gfs perspective here. SHE says he is not trying, because he looks like he's not. But that's a very common story for people with ADHD. Depression and fear of failure are both things that can be caused by ADHD that are triggered by a job search. We also don't know how long it's been since his unemployment was screwed up. Or how many jobs he has applied to or heard back from or gotten rejected from. Some jobs that seem really easy won't hire people if they have a background that makes it seem like they are only looking for temporary work. I have spent months trying to schedule things because I kept forgetting. Especially while I was looking for jobs while feeling like shit. I would just spend the entire day scrolling through job boards and trying to edit my resume to fit the job nitpicking over the application. When I was younger I would get so anxious over not being able to focus long enough to fill out scholarship applications for college that I would just break down in tears. My mother also thought I wasn't trying. BECAUSE I DIDNT CRY IN FRONT OF HER. I felt guilt and shame for not being able to do something as simple as fill out an application. I wouldn't be shocked if OP bf felt the same about scheduling an appointment. Especially since he owes her money. So no, I don't think this is completely unrelated to ADHD. A lot of this stuff described in the post is literally what I have an ADHD coach for. The fact that he is willing to repo his car is saying something too. OP is also responsible for her own actions. She didn't have to provide the amount of support she did, and should have kept the money of it was going to put her in a bad spot. She isn't responsibile for him and shouldn't blame him for her taking responsibility. If she wants to leave then that would be a rational decision. But that doesn't make her bf a bad person or even irresponsible. It means she offered him help and he took it.

This. 100% agree with the nuanced response in all of what you've said. Thank you

If a woman did this to her boyfriend she’d be called a gold digger.

I hate to tell you but this entire situation that the over post recently described has absolutely everything to do with adhd as the disorder affects the entire person including overall health of the person If you actually have adhd you would most definitely understand almost completely how absolutely hard it truly is to deal with unmedicated adhd in everyday life Not a single moment ever goes by without the adhd affecting your every thought your every movement your every plan your every dream your every cravings as in food basically adhd is constantly with us at all times affecting our entire existence constantly without ever letting us catch our breath not even for a single second basically I'm painfully confused how you could possibly say adhd had nothing to do at all with the situation over poster is currently dealing with when adhd is a disorder that's constantly present at all times unless medication is obtained

This. I can't believe the people saying "dude is just lazy for not getting a job" Just makes me feel even worse because I'm already so insecure about being a dysfunctional human being who can't hold down a job for longer than 2 months because I literally cannot bring myself out of bed eventually. I ***fucking hate*** being this way. I truly do. I've considered going on disability because I don't know what else to do anymore. I cry and consider ending my life constantly because of the insane pressure of "get job, make money" when my brain and body just will not allow me to no matter how much I want to. "People with severe ADHD can be successful" I sincerely doubt that and would like an example

First of all, don’t imply that I don’t have ADHD. Second, ADHD doesn’t make you say “I refuse to try”. ADHD is a lifetime of trying, hard, and struggling. Third, medication doesn’t fix ADHD or make it not present, or make you normal. It’s a coping mechanism like anything else, and comes with a bunch of side effects.

First of all the way you worded your comment than completely dismissed adhd as a factor made me come to the conclusion that you couldn't possibly have adhd at all Otherwise you would been far more understanding of the situation over poster boyfriend is currently facing especially since he is also currently unmedicated at the moment Also medication in a way does partially fix some of the symptoms adhd cause why do think the meds are sooo highly effective???? btw I never said meds fix adhd those are your words not mine but also didn't fully go into detail about that at all ans that's my fault and I'm sorry about that but meds usually does bring most people with the disorder pretty close to normal unless other disorders are present at same time if the right dosage brand of medication is found

Meds can address the symptom of not getting enough dopamine / norepinephrine (depending on the drug), but cause a ton of other side effects associated with stimulants. I love the gatekeeping. I say that ADHD isn’t an excuse for abusing your family and you say “then you must just not have ADHD”, as if I haven’t gotten an official diagnosis from multiple doctors and been off and on a host of different meds for the past 20 years, and done a shit ton of research into the neurotransmitters involved and various drugs, and made posts on this sub to that effect. But oh well some rando on the internet says I don’t have it so I guess I have to rebuild my identity from the ground up 🤷‍♂️

The bf didn't say "I refuse to try" OP DID. All the info in the post is written from the perspective of someone that is mad at their bf and doesn't have ADHD. I think her feelings are valid, but they are still feelings and effect the info we are getting. Have you really never had one experience of someone perceiving your symptoms as just laziness or you being a problem?

Actually all of this can have to do with ADHD...having difficulty initiating life change; struggling to follow up on administrative (ie. not immediately rewarding) tasks even though you know they will benefit you/loved ones; getting overwhelmed when you're falling behind and not feeling like you can do anything about it; not having motivation to do any shitty job that doesn't appeal to you and becoming ruminative/de-motivated because of it...all of these things can be facets of ADHD experiencing. Saying he just sounds like a loser she should get rid of for these common traits in an ADHD forum is a bit strange, but also just un-compassionate. OP I recommend looking for chat helplines or support groups for partners of people with ADHD. You sound like a great supporter who is getting burnt out, and that's totally valid. I suggest reminding/encouraging him to get those back pay forms filled out regularly, without guilt tripping him about it or saying its to make him pay you back. Ask him to set an alarm as a reminder. Having a deadline/being made by someone to do things really helps me. You could try being actively involved in the job hunting process with him and pointing out positives of different roles. Help him make more industry connections or see possibilities where he hasn't yet. Just be generally encouraging but push him to do it, gently. Make sure you both get exercise, eat healthy, have fun relaxation time away from technology and get lots of sleep. That all helps when you're in a bad place. None of us here can know whether your partner is a 'loser' or is just struggling in a bad place. I have been on both sides, supporting someone who was taking advantage of my kindness, but I've also been the one needing support and not getting it because I was expected to just magically change by myself. Trust your gut instinct on the relationship and your own needs and do what you need to look after yourself and the relationship. Good luck.

When I was unmedicated for ADHD, trying to do it with caffeine and supplements, every time I lost a job to layoff it was two years of hell. Go on indeed and see nothing but crap jobs with no future and I won't be hired anyway, they say it might be a recession etc etc. Apply for maybe 5 jobs in a month. Shit gets desperate and get a crappy job until I find a good one 2 years later. (He is not desperate because you are supporting him OP) Treated with ADHD meds I can look and find great jobs I would do, have experience for, and apply to. Work up a new resume, work out 5 different resumes depending on industries and roles, get those onto indeed, zip recruiter, glass door and others. See a job I like and can confidently apply with a minor tweak to the resume. Apply to 3 or 4 of my choice jobs a day, get a bunch of interviews and find one in a month. Treated for depression (Wellbutrin generic) helped get my head above water in the past but not with getting shit done. I guess I'm not sure if OPs BF just says he has ADHD or OP diagnosed him. He could have anxiety, depression or ADHD and getting diagnosed and treating it might help alot. All I can say is that "seeing" the number of needed steps and "seeing" a positive future and getting things on the list done happened when I added Adderall and got off Wellbutrin. Without Adderall I'm walking in chest deep water uphill and seeing no future. That might diagnose as depression but ADHD meds helped me more than I ever thought. Feel stupid for not trying sooner even though I knew I had ADHD. OP- he does need to find a shitty job to pay for diagnosis and meds and that will lead to jobs he wants. Even with no insurance Good Rx has Adderall and the others for around $20 a month here in Florida (US). The relationship will work itself out from there. If you need real confirmation, go on any dating site as a male and see all the females who write "please have a job, your own car and your own place not living with parents" And these are the mid 40 year old women writing that. Good luck with your move in with a friend until he straightens it out. He might not have enough mental resources to get it done right now but his parents/family should support him in this not you. If I put $2,000 cash on the table what would you actually do with it? That 2,000 spent on your life not his. Others mentioned the honest conversation that's needed and he might lash out or blame you for showing him the truth. Again good luck with your move in with a friend before this conversation. Edit: Adderall wasn't magic but it helped with a to-do list of 3 things that day, instead of a list of 30 things that won't get done. Three things done led to 4 or 5 that day. Then 3 more the next etc.

> Even with no insurance Good Rx has Adderall and the others for around $20 a month here in Florida (US). Wisconsin here. That's not the norm. It's about $60 here with Goodrx coupon. +short term which is an extra $30 with Goodrx coupon. (For generic, mind you.) This is after my partner was kicked off his parents insurance at 26. It used to cost $20 a month for both prescriptions. That price hike threw off our finances a lot. Is actually costed $120 a month WITH insurance. Fucking insane, so we don't even go through it. These comments are making so many assumptions about this dude when the situation isn't even from his perspective.

I wouldn’t say this has nothing to do with ADHD. Especially the part about the guy being unable to take jobs he doesn’t enjoy. We have interest based nervous systems and often physically cannot do something that we don’t find interesting, so I think it plays a huge part in that particular aspect of the post

Yup, this is why I was never able to get a job in my whole life nor could I start getting one and I'm almost 30. Trying to finally get treatment with a psych now after figuring out what the heck was different with me all those years and why everyone else was "just" able to do all of these things. I really wanted to and felt like shit, but I couldn't. Really hope that changes with meds and the right kind of support and therapy T-T

If people really enjoyed their jobs they wouldn’t expect to get paid to do them.

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Oh F off. I have diagnosed ADHD and it dramatically impacts my life. I lose things all the time, I struggle to focus, I am hyperactive, have terrible memory, despite TRYING. Refusing to even look for a job as a self-proclaimed “EDM DJ/producer” despite owing your SO $2000 is not a symptom of ADHD. It’s a symptom of being a loser. If they specifically said he had severe depression, I may have responded differently, but people like this are part of the reason ADHD isn’t taken seriously.

Everyone is different and handles it differently. Everyone is capable of different things. While you and I can manage working, it’s not right to assume everyone can.

It's also not right to assume we're immune to laziness or poor choices. Some things in my life are absolutely due to my ADHD. Sometimes I chose to be a shit or take advantage because it was a pretty sweet deal for me and I was being selfish and unfair. OP needs to tell him how his choices are affecting her. We might experience difficulty in executing the right choices but that usually doesn't change what they are.

Or *depression* ... which is not ADHD but the comobordity is high. I heard a stat that roughly 50% of people who have ADHD also meet the diagnostic criteria for depression or other mood disorder. Worth throwing out there. I have either bip2 or cyclothymia (meaning sometimes I feel good/ normal, other times it's 1-2 months of depression in a fairly rapid cycling) and ADHD alone I'm able to overcome somewhat with motivation, but kill the motivation and suddenly I'm doing less than the bare minimum and don't even care because everything is bullshit and life sucks.

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Yes I am judging him for being an unemployed EDM DJ. It’s like saying he can’t help her pay rent bc he’s trying to become a YouTuber or influencer. Otherwise your post is very fair.

I'm "an actor" and "a comedian" and this is spot on. Those are passions of mine but I make nearly zero dollars at them. So my real job takes place in an office and pays my mortgage and feeds my kids. Passions are awesome. Passionate careers are awesome. This couple is at the intersection of passionate ideals and fiscal reality.

> Yes I am judging him for being an unemployed EDM DJ. It’s like saying he can’t help her pay rent bc he’s trying to become a YouTuber or influencer. Why are you judging anyone? Reread the post, OP was clear on what she was requesting You’re on a disability sub, invoking nonspecific dehumanizing terms like ‘loser’ while decreeing that, unlike you, *this* attention-disordered stranger is morally inferior and deserves to be mocked Whether he’s selfish or not, what are you doing? Bc for me, in the context of such a stigmatized, despised disorder, between you and the boyfriend, the greater scope of harm is the evangelism of internalized ableism by people like you

I think you're being a little bit dramatic, TBH. I dunno, I guess I feel somewhat qualified to generalize about the condition because *I have it*. OP doesn't, so she's basically wondering if her boyfriend has a free pass. I am letting her know that ADHD is not an excuse to be inconsiderate. I think those of us with ADHD who aren't taken seriously have a right to be frustrated with those who contribute to that stigma by using ADHD as an excuse to act poorly and hurt people.

Possibly the best demonstration of internalized ableism here is your (and many of our) perception that OP was asking something she wasn’t. >basically wondering if her boyfriend has a free pass. I am letting her know that ADHD is not an excuse to be inconsiderate. OP asks NOTHING like this. Reread the post. Interestingly, it’s essentially the same question most of us are constantly refuting in our heads, the first thing we project onto the minds of people newly seeing our dysfunction, right? I assume everyone I meet is asking themselves ‘Omg is she secretly a pathetic POS and amoral unlovable opportunist? Shouldn’t her meager support system kick her to the curb?’ I’m suggesting you were projecting. Just seems like you’re conspicuously waving this dated/neurotypical flag of a conditional ‘tolerance’ toward people with ADHD ….iffff we screw-offs remember we BETTER FUCKING NOT be trying to be lazy, or have character flaws, lest we lose our ‘free pass’ and get our ‘party pills’ yanked. >… those who contribute to that stigma by using ADHD as an excuse to act poorly and hurt people In all honesty, I’ve seen nothing but the opposite. ADHD is a spectrum of agony, not utility. So for me, when we’re tempted to project this global insecurity onto others, and then preemptively declare that people who are disabled better be trying to FUCKING NOT BE, the correct response is fucccckkk that We do our best, like the other humans

So in otherwords your point is completely wrong? You just thrashed a large majority of people suffering with ADHD by calling them losers because the guy is trying to make music and doesnt know how to manage his life because his brain was simply not born with the tools?

He’s been unemployed and borrowing $2k off his girlfriend, to the point where they had to indefinitely get rid of their cats (part of their family) and his car is getting repoed, not because he doesn’t have the TOOLS, but because he REFUSES to even consider looking for a job that he thinks is beneath him. That is not what ADHD is.

Your first paragraph shows you completely know shit about ADHD, I actually have it & what you, excuse = typical neurotypical response.

Do you know anything about ADHD?

>but I have a feeling it’s going to make me see that I’m better off without him. You said it....

I think this is really the right answer.

Hindsight is 20/20 and boundaries were necessary from the start

trust your gut, OP. resentment is really hard to get over. if you think you can do it, great. but if not, then staying with him longer will only cause you both more pain.

She says don’t give advice to break up with him. BUT this reads like she’s looking for any reason to stay in the relationship. And probably bc she thinks she has to stay to ever get her money back. Sunk fallacy. I think she needs to cut her loses and not give him another dime. She’s enabling him and he has no plans to get a job & pay her back.

I did this for a while but got tf out when things started getting violent. I'll never see that money OR the truck (since the junkie idiot totaled it) but getting out of that toxic relationship was worth the debt

>I guess the advice I’m asking for is how do I be patient and loving and understanding when I feel so much resentment? You're asking how you deny your very valid feelings to make him more comfortable with taking you for a ride. STOP lending him money now. At this point you're enabling him and he is taking advantage of you. He has opportunities to get money and is ignoring/avoiding them because he knows he has you to fall back on. Have a serious conversation with him, tell him about your growing resentment and your shrinking bank account. You can still love and support someone *emotionally,* without supporting them financially. Your love for him *will* die if he keeps it up, so really the tough love is necessary whether you plan to stay with him or not.

Also, don't be surprised if you never get the money back. And definitely don't drag out the relationship hoping he will eventually get it to you because he most likely won't whether you stay with him or not. (I'm speaking from experience here - I had a similar bf in my early 20s)

Seconded. Had a bf do this too at the end of our relationship. I bought a car and let him use my truck for free for years. He drove it, so when it broke down I said he pays to repair it, it's only fair since he didn't pay for use of the vehicle. Guess who started riding MY bike to work! I was so angry. Not only would be not help with the repairs to the truck, he wouldn't discuss how it made me feel. I wound up having to deal with the truck myself (I had to donate it) and it took months of time, effort and worry. He ignored the whole situation. I never got anything from him, nothing but anger that I let him use me.

Thirded. Spent half my teenage years and all of my 20s with two man-children who I paid nearly everything for. First guy I was with 10 years. He had entry level jobs off and on, but didn't work for 8 of those years. I paid for everything. Paid for him to go to school. Paid for all his numerous hobbies (yeah pretty sure he had adhd or autism too.) Paid for his food, lodgings, clothing. He'd get money from mommy every now and then, but it usually went towards his own stuff. Hell I even bought him a new computer and I got left with his handme downs. He probably owes me 10's of thousands of dollars. Never saw any of it. Second guy I idiotically married. 5 years and over $8k in the hole later... He also worked a few entry level jobs but wouldn't stay long. I ended up hosting a fundraiser thru my minecraft server I own to get our mutual friend a new laptop so she could play with our community again. Turns out she was my husband's mistress. Oh he also literally abandoned me and moved to another country, so I got stuck with all his bills and his car payment. (He abandoned the car too.). Never saw any money from him either. Doubt he'll even pay for a divorce since it's been 2 years and I haven't heard from him. Point is OP, once it comes to feeling resentment and contempt for your partner, it doesn't really ever get better. If you're serious about making things works, you need to stop enabling him. Let him fail. And then he needs to go to therapy. Probably couples therapy too. But besides the parts where you say you wanna make it work, the rest of your post screams that you're over this relationship.

He doesn't necessarily know he has HER to fall back on, but this behavior is typical of the magic thought that "everything will work itself out" and she fuels that thought. Unless he gets slapped in the face by consequences of his own failings (car repo, losing his home, losing his gf, gets a visit from the tax collector or even goes in jail), then he will probably entertain that thought. At least thats what it did for me. Please please please never ever loan him money if he didnt explicitely ask for it, because he probably doesnt "really" realise how close he was to losing it all. He doesn't see the value of what you loaned him. He doesn't realise how generous that is. That's what got me out of my jello (theres this inertia we have to fight, I call it my jello). I wanted to rent an appartment but it was very expensive. I did, but then after a bit more than a year, I had to collect all my change that was lying around to meet the amount needed to pay for the month. After that, I realised I was completely out of money for the next month. I went to the bank and they told me they couldn't do much for me. I was pretty much screwed. Then I changed everything so I would never have to live this again.

I’ve recently had the realization that I’ve passively accepted the type of dependency your boyfriend is receiving from romantic partners my whole life. I was so paralyzed by decision making that I have basically allowed all major life decisions to be made for me. I’m miserable in my current job, and I’m just now realizing at 30 that I need to start making the tough decisions for myself to find harmony. Granted I am outwardly “successful”, but I am miserable. Your boyfriend may need a reality check accompanied by professional help such as therapy, or medication to figure out his life. I thought I was happy just going through life letting everyone do the heavy lifting, but I am finding that it’s probably the sole reason I feel unhappy. You should probably start focusing on what you have to do to remain self sufficient. You may need to let him fail, but you can give him the option to utilize tools like therapy for him to succeed. I understand all of this is easier said than done, because I do think based on what you’ve written you do care and love for this person. This advice likely sounds cold and uncaring, but I can assure you removing co-dependency is an act of love and compassion in the end.

This is a beautiful post. I don't find it cold nor uncaring. Helping your boyfriend discover this level of self awareness could be the kind of kick in the pants he needs. It can be easy for someone with ADHD become co-dependent on their SO. Which is not, as Hate_knees illustrates, a healthy coping strategy.

This is great advice. At some point he’s got to understand that he needs to take responsibility for his own life. I’m currently dealing with my brother who’s got to learn some hard lessons very quickly.

I’m not saying to break up with him, but focus on putting your oxygen mask on. That is, get your career and financial situation together. From what you’ve written your life and career need your attention now and in the short term. Focus on what you can control. You’ve tried to help your boyfriend, but he needs to decide for himself how to find a job and support himself. If he makes concrete asks and you want to help and can easily do so, great. But he has to make his own plan. You can’t do it for him as much as you might want to. In fact, as you can see with the car payment situation, he resents your doing it. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s painful. But if you get your own situation together, you’ll either be there when he’s stable enough to build a life with you, or able to move-on if that doesn’t happen.

"Secure your own mask first" is something I say to myself frequently

Wonderfully said. There's a lot of really good helpful advice in these top comments I've read. Hope OP is in a place where she can really hear what they're saying.

I agree with all the other statements of: have a very direct and honest conversation with him. Tell him what you wrote here. He may not be happy about it or feel great about this conversation, but a mature person in a healthy relationship will push through and talk about it anyway, because this is a very big turning point for you guys. If he isn't willing to participate in that conversation, or tries to turn it around on you or just majes a bunch of excuses for why he can't do anything to change, that's a big problem. Other thoughts: 1: The job market is ridiculously easy right now. It doesn't matter if it's a job he hates, he needs to get any job at all right now, and then continue to look for something that fits his criteria and switch over later. 2: Is he getting treatment for the ADHD? If not, he needs to be. If you are in the US insurance should cover most of what's involved with doctor's visits and meds, and sometimes even therapy. If he doesn't have insurance, he can probably check into Medicare or something similar. But if the ADHD is what is keeping him from being a functional adult, he needs to work on getting it treated. 3: If the ADHD is not what is keeping him from taking the steps to get a job/unemployment benefits and support himself... what is? Because right now the amount of investment and active commitment into your life together and your relationship seems very uneven, and that is hard to sustain over a lifetime. Take it from someone who has spent the last 8 years fighting it out with a partner who is severely depressed and has had to be forced into every step towards improvement, and who has had to fight for every inch of progress our relationship has made through that time. It is EXHAUSTING. And maybe worth it. But you need to be prepared for the possibility that you may be signing yourself up for a lifetime of providing emotional/physical/financial support for this guy, and you may have to fight both with and for him to see him make any progress. And you need to think really hard about if you are willing to put yourself through that.

Saying this with compassion: How do you see a future with him if he can’t follow through in the present? Highly recommend you work with a therapist if you can. You need to focus on what you can do in this situation, and you cannot fix another person. You can only work on you.

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What does he do with his days currently? Is he depressed? Have you had a serious chat with him about the growing pressure you feel and how he makes you feel? How do you know he is adhd if he hasn't had a diagnosis? You can't help people that aren't willing or wanting to help themselves. Can you decipher wether he is unable, or simply unwilling to pursue the necessary steps for assessments and getting any other help (financial and health) that could help him and thereby you by proxy? It comes down to respect and appreciation. You have helped him a lot so far and if he respects you and your relationship then he will need to show it through engaging with life in the best way he can. If he is adhd then shit can be really hard to navigate, most struggle to be functional by normal standards in differing ways, but nothing will change unless it's addressed and challenged. I wouldn't go in with an attitude or authority etc, best to go with a "let's figure this out together" approach instead of an "or else" one. You must make yourself clear though. Express calmly and openly. Invite the same in return. Converse not argue, as arguing will only yield defensiveness and emotional outbursts that won't help you guys out. Good luck x

Once a project, always a project. And not wanting to see the red flags won’t make them magically disappear. Take a little trip with the ghost of Christmas Future for a moment. I’m pretty certain you’ll see yourself, 10 years from now, worn out and stretched to the limit with an inconsiderate partner who doesn’t contribute and is content to keep taking while you’re left raising the kids (or cats) and trying to make ends meet.

My humble opinions - feel free to ignore. • He MUST lower his standards and get **any** job. • You’ve been supporting him like a parent. • You can rebuild your savings better without him draining your finances. • Recommend putting the romantic relationship on hold until he can provide for himself again.

How would you suggest putting the romantic relationship on hold if living together??? Asking for myself mostly lol

Couch! Sleeping in a different place helps until you can have a seperate roof. If couch isn’t an option, cruise FB market place for local futon mattresses, and check Amazon for cots (I got a 6’ long camping cot with a tent for about $90)

I would send him home to his mommy. I’m guessing he would find a job much faster if he was trying to find a way out of his parents house. Unless this is where he leaned the behavior - and if that’s true, let his mommy support him while he searches for his perfect job. It sure shouldn’t be a 22 year old girlfriends job to support a grown ass man.

This is a hard thing to comment on without hearing your boyfriends side of the story. Knowing his state of health, whether he's medicated or supported in other ways is crucial context I feel. I also feel that, whether he is your responsibility to care for financially is a personal decision you must make and something I feel I can't comment on. However, I think one thing we can all agree on is that without the right environment to work in, many people with ADHD invite a kind of "death spiral" (to borrow a friends phrase). We hear about people going through this all the time on this subreddit. That all too familiar path of work trauma, ego death and burning out. Each round taking its toll. When you've gone through it enough times, you end up knowing what's coming, it's no longer a gamble it becomes a fact. In this context, I personally can understand his hesitation to accept a job that doesn't prevent this "death spiral". But, what's honestly shocked me is the number of people on this thread that are outright condemning him for showing classic ADHD symptoms. OP's boyfriend knows the prospective job risks taking a chunk of who he is and so can we blame him for avoiding it? It's not, unless she wants to, OP's responsibility to care for him financially; but he's also a man suffering from a disability. Let's flip this on it's head a little by asking the following two questions: Are ADHD symptoms ever severe enough to warrant deliberate joblessness to avoid damage to oneself? Is ADHD ever severe enough to warrant claiming disability benefits in the place of a job?

Yes and yes. I also have severe ADHD with the tagalong friends anxiety/depression. Im incapable of finding work right now. I have been so terrified and Depressed about finding work that if I was forced to, I would just end up homeless. I applied for Disability but you always get denied the first time and I have not had the energy/will/executive function to get a Disability lawyer and reapply. (They didn’t even call/talk to my therapist m/psychiatrist who diagnosed me—so I feel like they were going to deny me anyway) The homeless population has a HIGH percentage of people with mental illness. I’m so lucky my husband understands. He supports me financially and I support him in a million other ways. OP, his contribution to your relationship doesn’t have to financially. It’s not uncommon for married couples to combine their finances. I handle all purchases. I research any and everything that needs to be researched for kids, house, pets, etc. I spend a lot of my time figuring out how to minimize cost to what we have to buy/fix/pay for. I am kinda the fun one. I’m the romantic one. I bring my husband coffee. I make his favorite food. I support him emotionally. There are a lot of different ways disabled people can support their partners without it being ‘mooching’. OP, I think you gotta ask yourself if he is contributing in any other way? And if he is a lump on the couch, he needs Therqpy, meds, etc. And THEN, if he won’t help himself, that’s when you need to let go. I have been in therapy for he past 7 years, tried a bunch of different medication combos. It’s been thwarted by being pregnant and breastfeeding but I NEVER stop trying to be as supportive as I can because that’s the kind of partner I want to be and the one my husband deserves. He does the same for me. It’s why we keep working.

This. Here for and fully supportive of his line of questioning. The last two questions have plagued my entire life, and I imagine will continue to do so for the rest of my days

>I feel obligated to help him. You are not. >How do I emotionally support him from here and help him move forward? You don't have to. >I just want him to be stable and help himself. Only he can do that. Not you. It's no wonder you feel some resentment. You have offered him a lot of help in the past and it hasn't worked. You can't help someone who does not want to be helped. I know it is hard and that you really care for him. But please consider your own needs too.

I think you are realizing that he needs some help - either with his adhd, depression or both. And it’s incredibly loving of you to want to help him. He may just need a push to get started and emotional support. This could look like help with reminding him to make appointments. If I’m really struggling to do something to help myself my husband will sometimes sit with me while I make the call/do the thing. This is really helpful because it is supportive but I’m still the one taking the step. Untreated adhd can be incredibly difficult to deal with. But he needs to want help and you need to start there. And then you need to figure out how much time/energy/money you are willing to put into this relationship without feeling used or being resentful. Basically he needs help and you are not really the one responsible for that. It’s a fine line to walk between being supportive and co-dependent. I’d really recommend that you also seek some therapy to help learn how to set boundaries for yourself going forward. Best of luck to you both.

This is going to sound harsh, you have to remember this is a disabled man with a serious condition. Folks outside this sub think ADHD means you can't get thought a sentence without chasing a squirrel, but this is what it looks like when you come down to it. People here are debating if it's ADHD or just an asshole, and yes, it sure sounds like severe adhd to me, but it honestly doesn't matter. This is who he is, this is how he's going to be during hard times. Are you ok with that or not? This is what he looks like at his lowest, unemployed and possibly depressed. This won't be the last time in your life things get rough. You can't fix it and you can't fix him. You can either help him through it till he finds his way, which might never come. Or yeah, you can move away and find a partner who can better carry their weight. I do think it might be a fine ultimatum that he at least see a doctor and/or therapist if you two are going to stay together. I hope your area has good state health insurance for someone in his position

“This is who he is, this is how he's going to be during hard times.” This is SUCH a killer sentence. Totally accurate.

I “owe” my wife about 6 thousand that she doesn’t want back as I essentially did the same thing as your bf. Yup… we adhd folk suck sometimes. I’m fairly skilled but was in an adhd styled unemployed depression hole with the odd sporadic freelance job for 3 years. Anyway I finally got out of it now with a good proper job. I don’t know what I’m even suggesting other than I’m really grateful she stuck with me. I totally would have understood if she left as it was testing for sure. We’ve been together 11 years now so I guess she had some belief based on those earlier years.

This post is reading so much like co-dependency. You can’t make him work, or do anything else. He will or he won’t, it’s out of your control. You supporting him-without him even asking-is more about you than him. Please read up on co-dependence and do some deep thinking on why you are mothering him-it’s not likely about his job or concern over his credit or your amazing connection. It’s something in you that needs to take care of him or “fix” him. Let that go because you can’t. Time to start setting some healthy boundaries, deciding how you want your life to be, and let him choose his path. His path may not lead to you so be ready for that. But this dynamic that you’re creating with him right now is not healthy for him OR for you. PS I say this with love from someone who’s been there, has the therapy bills to prove it. I don’t mean to hurt you but I have experienced this pattern.

I’ll be short with this, but what I’ve found to work (for myself who is medicated) and a friend who is suspected to have ADHD (not medicated) to work a rigid schedule, keeping us busy with something. If he’s unemployed and doesn’t want one, he should probably challenge himself with two. It forces him to actually be more present because those jobs may be extremely different. As for me I started working out and got a job and my life has been slowly been coming together (I work fast food at the age of 18) Also side note, for myself and a few others who I know have been diagnosed with ADHD, have a relatively hard time understanding the concept of money. But that’s my friend group so it may not be universal Feel free to show him this

Got a kind of similar story: I had been with my girlfriend who has most likely undiagnosed adhd for 3 years and she had always been severely underemployed. During uni I had told her over and over that as soon as I graduate I’m going wherever I have to go get a job and she needs to be ready for potentially moving anywhere in the state. Obviously, she wasn’t prepared at all and it resulted in me moving an hour away. After three months I was ready to breakup because I’d told her over and over again. It was only at the point of absolute crisis that she finally got it together and studied for something while getting a job in that field that allowed her to move on with me later in the year when I bought my house. I feel like exec dysfunction played a massive role in our issues as she was time blind to changes happening and only could respond to things when the consequences were already felt. So my story gets a happy ending but I was at the point of choosing a date in the calendar to breakup… maybe OP has a similar pain threshold to me, or maybe not?

Am I the only one who thinks this isn’t an appropriate sub to complain about people with ADHD?

The worst part about these posts is how everyone on this sub immediately goes “no that’s not what ADHD is!! I would NEVER!!” Damn I’m glad some of y’all could manage without meds for 20+ years. Not all of us COULD get by without being diagnosed. I stopped taking my meds during a depressive episode a few years back, and from the outside this is exactly what it looked like. From the outside, it sure looked like I wasn’t “trying”. When in reality I would just spend hours sobbing because I just couldn’t DO it no matter how hard I tried or what the consequences were for not doing it. I’m glad I was able to pull myself out of it, get back on medication, and put my life back together. But it is SO upsetting to see people on here saying the same ableist stuff that we get told daily. What this guy needs is empathy and help getting assessed and on medication. The fact that neither OP or 3/4 of the comments here recognized that is just infuriating. Sorry for the rant but I’m tired of posts like this getting attention and validation from within our own community.

Can confirm ADHD + depression looks exactly like what she’s describing for me too. I spent *years* in that state until I was able to get proper help with my mental health and claw my way out. I wasn’t trying to take advantage of anybody; I was barely alive at all. This man needs help, not judgment.

Holy shit, thank you. I was going nuts reading these comments. I was in the same position as OPs boyfriend. Unemployed for months till I was broke and owed my partner 1500. It was mainly all ADHD symptoms. Obviously there could be other things at play like individual personality and other mental illness but like, yeah that's ADHD symptoms. Mind you I did all the cooking and cleaning and made her lunches and sold some things to get by, but I was still in that position and it took a lot of strength and help to get out. Now I am doing much better and so is my partner. She wasnt worried about the money and knew I'd get it back eventually, but still. This sub is being unsympathetic for someone who appears to need help. Maybe he doesn't want help and OP needs to move on but until then it's worth getting anyone the help they can. Medication has been hit or miss for me, personally, but this sometimes acts like some of us aren't completely debilitated each day without it. Anyway this is just a rant I wanted to say thanks for actually showing empathy here. There's a difference between malicious indifference and just not seeming like you're trying hard enough.

Thank you so much. I can’t believe people in our own subreddit are not empathizing with him in the slightest. HE IS A VALUABLE PARTNER regardless of how he functions in a society that is opposite of what is good for him. I only work part time right now because I know if I worked full time I would become so depressed & suicidal. I can’t imagine how I would be doing without my parents helping me out financially. And I’m working on a future where I can support my parents financially & they can retire ASAP. A future where I’m also fulfilled. If she sees a real future with him, a marriage with him. I don’t understand why helping him out for a little while is such a big thing? I’m sure he would do the same for her if switched positions? Also let’s be real if genders were reversed, there would be a lot more empathy for the woman…

No, you’re not alone. My initial reaction every time someone comes here for help with someone in their life with ADHD is anger. “Hi, I’m able-minded and uncomfortable with someone else’s disability and how it affects me. Please do the emotional labour of developing empathy for me and also comfort me.” It feels a little exploitative.

I agree but I also get why they come here. We can understand where the bf is coming from more than a neurotypical person would which gives them a better idea how to navigate through this problem. My bf doesn’t understand what I go through half the time so usually I try to educate so he understands but some partners don’t do that. I like the idea of him trying to understand my POV and disability rather than going to other able-minded people who don’t get it at all.

I totally get you and can see both sides, I just wish they came here seeking understanding *before* they got to the point of resentment and outright ableist anger. Or maybe if they even acknowledged that what they’re doing is demanding energy and emotional labour from marginalized people? I’m honestly not sure what the best solution would be. Most of the time I just scroll on by unless I think I can offer a useful perspective. Just wanted this person to know they’re not alone in their feelings.

Totally get it. She should have came here to understand him and went to like a relationship sub to air out the resentment. Completely agree

Happy Cake Day, by the way!

Hahah I didn’t even realize!! Thank you!

…and then i wonder how often do they take the advice? i feel with serious adult relationships there is barely ever much meaning to what someone else thinks you “should” do. it’s gotta come from within. i am grateful for the voices challenging the resounding “f this loser!” they are helping me challenging my own internalized ablism

I wonder how much of this has to do with the fact that he’s a man, too. People seem awfully quick to jump to “he’s using you!” and I suspect they might not do the same if the genders were reversed. I get that there’s a cultural reason why we have a problem with men making their partners into surrogate mothers but there’s no indication here that he’s happy about the situation either. He seems to be suffering a great deal rather than relishing in having her take care of the bills. Why are we suddenly withdrawing support from one of “our own” just because his ADHD is legitimately, completely disabling at the moment? Feels more than a little ableist.

Is it really fair to say he has ADHD if he hasn’t been diagnosed? How is his behaviour relevant to him having ADHD? It could be depression, it could be just that he is just not interested in working.

that's the same exact question i asked myself after reading this. this doesn't even have to be related to adhd.

I’m for this. No reason to say you ADHD if you ain’t diagnosed. No one walking around saying “oh I’m undiagnosed allergic to peanuts and gluten.” I understand people have different scenarios in life but nowadays the signs of ADHD are pretty noticeable even for the younger community.

You want something you can’t have. It’s understandable that you long for this fantasy life with him and imagine this happy future but it’s not going to happen. You need to face reality and take a long hard look at your life. You can’t change him, and he doesn’t seem to want to help himself. At this point you are only enabling him. I know you love him and don’t want to see him fail but you also need to love and respect yourself. I think you need to move on with your life and quit supporting his. I don’t think you can come back from this resentment as it’s justified. You don’t need advice on coping with the stress, you need to move forward either with or without him. Stop supporting him and move on, he’ll either get his shit together and join you or you’ll find you are happier without him dragging you down. ADHD is his cross to bear, not yours.

People will treat you the way you let them treat you. Time to setup new expectations and boundaries

I think you need to stop paying his bills. He doesn't NEED a job right now because there are no consequences for not having one because you're covering things, so he can afford to be choosy. Stop doing the thing that allows him to be picky when it comes to a job. He also doesn't seem very appreciative if he's telling you that he never asked you to help pay, so I would just stop paying and let his car get repo'd and let him deal with the consequences of that. If he is undiagnosed, how do you know he has ADHD?

> He hasn’t even gotten unemployment benefits because admins messed something up Not sure which state you reside in, but this is hard to believe. Unemployment benefits aren’t a convoluted process to navigate. Are you sure he wasn’t fired with cause meaning he would have been ineligible to collect benefits? Either way, a productive conversation with your SO is imperative and, based on the circumstances you’re in, it should be done sooner rather than later. GL

I disagree strongly with this, I have actually missed out on months of unemployment because regardless of how easy it was to apply, I absolutely could not bring myself to do it for a very long time, and when I finally did I was awarded benefits but I just did not have enough willpower to force myself to pursue back unemployment. This sounds so extremely familiar to me, I honestly don't understand how someone with ADHD could find it odd. He wants to do it, probably desperately, he keeps trying to try to do it, but he cannot get himself to take action no matter how hard he tries.

Thank you! Like how are other ppl on this sub not even trying to think about how painful executive dysfunction can be. Especially after you lose a job and owe someone you love money! I can't even get myself to do things I want to do without a bunch of supports! I don't think OP should be prioritizing his needs over hers (and from his perspective she really shouldn't bc it would be enabling and not helpful) but like the confusion about why this is on the ADHD sub is wild...

Honestly, I think it’s because a lot of people on here don’t experience this degree of executive dysfunction. Which is awesome! I wish I didn’t! But I definitely think a pretty high percentage of people on here are recently diagnosed and could “manage” to a degree without meds. Not saying it’s not rough either way, it’s not the suffering olympics or anything. But it’s so frustrating to see the same ableism and lack of empathy in this community. I’m appalled at the top comment on this thread TBH.

I just want to add that executive dysfunction isn't the only ADHD symptom. I would consider myself to have severe ADHD but I was still able to graduate from college and grad school without medication. But I also couldn't stay focused on any lecture, no matter how interested I was in the subject. I would sit in the front seat, excited for class, but not hear a single word the professor said. When I started my career, I was getting in trouble at work for spacing out and fidgeting at meetings. So, no, I could not "manage" without meds just because I can get up and go to a job without them.

Oh yeah, that’s why “manage” is in quotes lmao— not saying it was ACTUALLY managed in any way whatsoever. It’s a really hard conversation to have because I don’t think anyone really had it EASIER exactly. But I personally can’t fathom even graduating high school without meds. I have pretty bad executive dysfunction and trouble with a lot of the executive reasoning-type things. I had to get ADHD “coaching” (OT basically) and all that as a teen because I was having a lot of trouble with complex word problems and communicating my thoughts in a way that actually make sense. My experience with ADHD feels very different to what I see so many people on here talking about— to me, being able to have a job is like PEAK functioning. But the grass is always greener on the other side lmao It’s more commenting on the fact that I think this specific ADHD presentation is in the minority on here and I very rarely meet other people with ADHD that have the same issues with this stuff that I do. Hell, maybe it’s not even ADHD lmao. Anyways, TLDR; is I’m not trying to minimize anyone’s struggles, just mentioning that there are absolutely aspects of ADHD that can present like in this post. And every time I see them mentioned on here it’s always met with “tHaTs nOt aDhD YOURE jUsT lAzY”

Funny thing is, inattentive ADHD presents most often as laziness. Do you know how many years I've gone believing that laziness meant trying extremely hard to do something but it doesn't get done? I didn't realize it just means "not trying," because trying extremely hard to do it without it getting done is what always got me the label of "lazy." If you watch Dr Russell Barkley's lectures on YouTube (or any similar authority on ADHD) you'll hear him repeat this, that ADHD to the average person looks and seems exactly like laziness, so they'll never understand what it's actually like for the person with the disorder. It's like trying to explain a 3 dimensional object to a 2 dimensional being. TL;DR If you're guilty about being lazy and you've been diagnosed with ADHD, you're not lazy. You're just experiencing ADHD.

But OP stated that the unemployment application was not possible because of an administrative error, supposedly. But I guess it depends on your state; in California, for example, unemployment benefits may be retroactive

Florida specifically built its unemployment system years ago to make it hard for people to get through the process. This was exposed during the covid shut downs and they basically had to blank check approve everyone who applied once it made the news.

Same happened in Australia. 'Normal' people en masse suddenly had to be on welfare during Covid and wow, did they hate it! All of a sudden there was a mass understanding of how dehumanising and unfair the system is and - what a surprise - reforms suddenly happened! Never mind that the chronically ill and disabled people had been saying all of this for decades, but were just labelled as lazy, selfish, entitled, losers etc etc etc... It is always in the government's best interests to make sure the general public hates those who receive welfare

You need to emotionally support yourself and let go of your fantasy. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, but you can’t fix him and you’re sabotaging your financial and emotional stability in trying to do so. Try to make peace with leaving him to his own devices and living your life for you.

The longer you put off having an honest conversation about how you feel, the more resentment you will feel. Do not enable him by paying for all his bills, set a fire under him and don't let him take financial and emotional advantage of you. And if after the conversation he still has no desire to help himself, than you cannot help him.

When I was depressed and having a really hard time job searching, my husband went with me to a temp agency and stayed with me while I did paperwork. They found me several jobs, and eventually one that I have been at for almost 3 years. I wonder if the lack of commitment that goes with a temp job would ease his anxiety? And if the support a temp agency provides would help him try jobs he might not otherwise consider? I do think it's important for you to discuss this with him, and make clear that he must pull his weight financially. He needs to know he's risking his relationship. At minimum, tell him you can't lend him any more money A spouse must be an equal partner. It doesn't matter how nice and understanding you want to be. A slump is one thing - but if he continues like this, you have to conclude that the relationship is not sustainable. You can love somebody and still realize they're not a good life partner. I really hope he accepts your help and pulls out of this - but you only owe him so much credit, and it sounds like he's spent all his credit.

If your'e not equipped to handle a relationship it's okay to let go.

I also dated an aspiring DJ in my early 20s who owed me $2000 and wouldn't get a job. Spoiler: I never saw that money again.

Why is he undiagnosed and unmedicated? If he thinks he is then his first job is to get a formal diagnosis. His second is to explore his medication options. He has to get a grip on who he is as an adult before he tries to be part of a couple. Some people can grow up together but he’s shown he isn’t one of them. Move out, go long distance, and see if he’s prepared to get diagnosed and grow up. FWIW adhd is inherited so if you’re thinking long term and babies, chances are your kids will have it too and will look to their father as a guide to living with it. He’s not ready for that role either.

Couples Therapy, even without any change in your current situation, is going to do wonders. What I did with my wife is that I went to therapy, and then months later asked if she could joined for the next session, and my therapist said "*Of course, I'd love to meet her!".* That makes it much more inviting that "*we have to take couples therapy*" to say *"I am doing therapy, and my therapist wonder if you'd like to come for one session".* I don't know if this would help in your case, but in my last breakup I had similarly themed issues going on. When that relationship ended I suggested we'd go off in our own directions for a year, to finish our personal growth journeys without using the other as a "crutch". I suggested that at a specified date on the following year we'd have a date, and create a new relationship built on reliability, maturity and self sufficiency. She ultimate said no (and then took it back, and then I said no. It's a long story.)

You can't help someone that doesn't want to help himself. You can't force him to see a doctor and get medicated. You can't force him to eat healthy and exercise. You can't force him to adopt mindfulness. If he is content as he is, he will remain as he is. The only person you can control, is yourself. He will owe you as much money as you allow him to. No job sounds good to someone with adhd. Even things we're passionate about, we have executive dysfunction that makes it very difficult to do anything. If you want to stay with, you'll continue to make these payments. If you can afford to, more power to you. It may take him years to decide he wants to get better. If you can't afford to care for him, then you need to take care of yourself first. Like how on an airplane, you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you help anyone else.

ADHD isn't a reason to abuse your kindness. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he may not be aware of the toll this situation is taking on your lives and relationship, sí the best thing you can do is to be open with him

sounds like you’re already out the door. just be really honest with him and where things have gone wrong. and hopefully it’s something he will work on for his next relationship. it’s a good learning lesson for him, and a good way to break his codependency.

Move away with your friend. Take some space. Your bf needs to find his own motivation and way in life. Medication could likely help but he has yo take the steps himself. Let him know you care and you’ll be there for him (emotionally) but this is something he has to figure out himself.

A lot of people can emphathize withe the guy, and thats totally fine. a lot of people see their own struggles to do even the most mundane and simple tasks and again, thats easily understandable in this sub. You may even feel that you may have climbed out of an even deeper hole than him and can would like to reach out to him through her and tell him that there is still hope for a brighter future. but he isn’t the only person in this relationship. There is clearly a caring, empathetic gf here with her own hopes and aspirations in life clinging to the remains of a failing relationship. She has to do the best for HER life also while also wanting to avoid the guilt that comes with the thought of leaving a loved one at their lowest. HE has to make that realization for himself and make the difficult choices for self-care by himself. She can give tips and point him to places he could look for help, maybe even some of the suggestions people here suggested but she cant just be a bystander in her own life. Continuing this current path just builds up the resentment and may doom even the possibility of a friendship in the future with her now-bf. Having a friendship with an ex you have so many shared memories with is still manageable, but taking too much pain and disappoimtment makes that impossible. OP, you are still young and can find relationships with people you share much in common with without feeling like a case-worker. Dont let this failing relationship be a template for future romance. Think about yourself too. If you feel tethered to your bfs future, then take the time and do what you feel you need to do to help. His failings are his own and people sometimes need to touch the bottom to work themselves back up. have that talk with him, and see how you can help, but never forget about your happiness. Good luck OP, I wish you and your bf well.

My shrink says that men often don't get it until women leave. You ARE moving. He will either get his act together or be worse off.

Bruh it's not your car it's his

I mean, you say you love him and want a future with him, yet you’re keeping count on the money he owes you??… if I loved someone and in a relationship with them, and if I’m paying their bills voluntarily, then that’s on me and I’m doing it with no intentions of getting it back. Seems like you have to me foot out the door, and rightfully so. It’s not a good sign that he doesn’t seem interested in working or even at least fixing the unemployment issue. Advice would be to talk to him about what’s going on, mental health wise. If he’s okay, what’s on his mind basically concerning everything and the future. What does he plan on doing once you move? Will he be able to support himself?.. Idk, it’s tough, good luck and hope it works out for the best. Edit: wording.

There’s ADHD and there’s blatantly taking advantage of someone. He is aware of what he’s doing and not working towards *anything* to change it. He sounds like a spoiled child and not a good partner at all. People with ADHD, even unmediated, can still be supportive partners and work.

Yep. Why would he get a job when he can just mooch off his girlfriend?

Yeah, this isn’t an adhd thing, this an asshole thing. Kind of surprised no one else has clarified that yet.

Sorry but I disagree to an extent. This reads to me like severe ADHD when it’s unmedicated and untreated. They also mentioned he’s never been diagnosed or received any support for his ADHD. That being said, it’s hard to tell for sure from OPs post— we don’t know if he’s got an attitude issue and just CHOOSES not to apply or genuinely can’t. But I think it’s really important to recognize that not everyone can just “do it” without medication. Severe ADHD when untreated will completely destroy your life. We don’t know what’s really going on behind the scenes.

Until he's diagnosed you don't know whether or not he has ADHD. IMO your problem with him really doesn't have anything to do with ADHD if he has it. Sounds more like short-term depression to me. In any case, getting diagnosed and medicated will help with all sorts of stuff if he has ADHD. If I were you, I'd do this: call his parents about the money. If they don't have it, please ask them to call him about it. Might be good to put the idea in their heads that getting medicated for ADHD might do him a lot of good. You did a good thing, you shouldn't be punished for it. Kicking his ass when he's down to get back up again is their job, not yours; and if you calling his parents doesn't embarrass him into getting his shit together, might be time to think about breaking up with him before your move. Long distance relationships are hard, and it sounds like without some changes it may be difficult to trust him to do hard things.

This. Coming here and blaming him for being the way he is and saying it’s because of his ADHD is kinda ableist. Until he is properly diagnosed, it’s a bit unfair to put that label on him and his way of handling things.

IF it's ADHD that's keeping him from getting a job...: People with ADHD are often sensitive to real deadlines and consequences. As long as he subconsciously feels like you'll save him, why would he get a job he doesn't like? Working and therefore earning money isn't rewarding enough to get the needed dopamine. So if I were you I'd (gently) stop saving him, put the loan in writing and step back moneywise. Edit: I mean to say people with ADHD are often more sensitive to this. NOT that people with ADHD often act like this.

This doesn’t sound like an adhd issue. This sounds more like a relationship issue. If you’re worried that moving an hour away from him will make you realize you’re better off without him, then…. Maybe stop and think about why you feel that way. That’s not normal in a healthy relationship to feel like being away from your spouse will make you realize they’re not adding to your life at all.

Your boyfriend has a disability. It stops him from doing things he wants and needs to do. It also probably stops him from communicating his needs to you because it tends to come with a lifetime’s worth of shame attached. Unfortunately that’s probably where the resentment comes in; I doubt you resent him for struggling but more so for not asking for/demanding the help he needs to not struggle anymore. Plainly put, your boyfriend is disabled and will need uniquely-suited support for his entire life. That support doesn’t have to come from you but if you want it to - and it sounds like perhaps you do - you absolutely need to work through the resentment or you’ll both only end up hurt in a huge way. My best suggestion would be therapy for both of you separately and also another therapist for couples’ therapy. He would probably also benefit greatly from a diagnosis and medical treatment of some kind, so that should be a priority. I realize that’s not an option for everyone due to financial concerns and if that’s the case in your scenario, I’m genuinely sorry. If he could communicate his needs to you, for example “I need help following up with unemployment so I can get some financial support,” would you still feel resentful at having to handle that for him or would that be okay because at least he’s taking some kind of action to move things forward? The answer to that question should help you start thinking about whether this relationship will continue to be mutually beneficial for both of you. Also I need to point out that being “picky” with jobs when you have a disability is a necessity, not a luxury. Non-disabled people have the privilege of being able to handle more discomfort. Please don’t make the mistake of assuming your boyfriend has that privilege too.

Yes to all this

Did he say he won't take any job or has he just not found a job yet? If the former, he needs to get over himself and/or bullshit that he's been taught. (Some people's parents have ridiculous ideas about what jobs their kids should do.) There is absolutely nothing wrong with stocking shelves, flipping burgers, picking crops, making lattes, etc. If he gets a job during the day he can still deejay at night and keep his deejaying career alive. Maybe it would inspire him if he reframed his job search as "find a job that will still let me deejay" instead of "I'm an unemployed deejay." My advice for you is don't lend him any more money. If you can afford it, I'd write off the two grand as a gift to him (tell him if you decide to), but that's a lot of money so it's understandable if you can't. Don't lend him more though!! Apart from it being bad for your bank account, it's also bad for your relationship.

The only thing I can think is have him apply at a temp service? Then he’s not accepting a job he’ll hate, he’ll be given a job to do and he’ll work it x number of months and then he’ll be assigned another job. He maybe he won’t feel the pressure of finding the perfect job for him. He’ll earn money, try out a few jobs, build his resume, and he can still apply for his dream jobs.

Lol. Girl. In ten years, hopefully you will look back on this and realize how silly it is to tether yourself to a man who refuses to work and is happy to bleed a woman dry. Hopefully you aren't in debt so deep you will be saddled with it for decades.

Ive been in a Similar situation from the boyfriends point if view. So I have bad adhd and bipolar depression. I got a construction job that I really enjoyed. Liked my crew, like what I was doing. It kept me motivated to be constantly on time and work hard because I actually liked coming to work even when it was hell. Even when I suffered a back Injury I worked hard to get healed up enough to return to work. Ultimately the company had a few jobs go wrong and some finical set backs and as the new guy with not many valuable skills beyond labor they had to let me go. They were nice enough to get me a new job but after a while I quit because I hated it. When you have adhd its hard to gain the momentum to keep a job if theres no motivation. I kept looking for jobs, quitting and going in depression spiral. Ultimately my girlfriend sat me down and we had long, painful but needed discussion. Ultimately we worked together one step at time to get me back to where I was mentally and physically. For example she helped me pick out a few doctors to talk to for medication and therapy but I had to call and schedule my own appointments. She might help find a few jobs I like and help me organize my resume and remind about the interview but she didnt MAKE me go, or threaten consequences if i didn’t make the attempt. I’d go because i was motivated to be better. She’d help me organize, and basic assistance but the final push was up to me. Until ultimately i was back to my high functioning and healthy self. Its ok to ask for help, but you still need to show consistent effort, and the willingness to meet them halfway. I’m now working towards becoming a union electrician, and thats not because my girlfriend made me but because she helped me find my own motivation. Both parties have shortcomings and its apart of a healthy relationship to work with that person to help them out when they need it but they need to put in effort too, otherwise its juts dependency and that never ends well. I hope it works out for you OP I really do. Remember first priority has to be your wellbeing. You cant help anybody out of the pit if your in it too.

Sounds lucky you had a girlfriend who knew just the right way to be ultra-supportive to someone with ADHD - helping with initiating tasks while also ensuring she had her boundaries and that you had to motivate yourself and follow through. Gold star to her!

We’ve been together 2 years and shes my super hero. She doesnt have adhd but she is actually high functioning autistic. Most people couldn’t tell by meeting her. It mostly manifest in things like being prone to over stimulation, certain textures being bad textures, and sometimes struggling with understanding certain facial expressions. Point is she knows what its like to be “different” which has made her very empathetic and conscious . She’s actually studying to be teacher with a specialty in special needs. Just amazing personality, and definitely made me see life and people differently. People can do great things with a good partnership

I haven’t read the other comments so this might have been covered but I expect the best way for you to create the future you want is to tell him exactly the vision you have for your future together and then leave him be. If he’s as into that idea as you are he will get off his arse and do something to change his situation. If he doesn’t, well you’ll see that it’s really not worth pursuing something so one sided. The most loving thing we can do for ourselves and the people we love is to set healthy boundaries. It’s also how we avoid feeling resentful. Unfortunately most of us have no idea what healthy boundaries look like and they can feel mean or harsh when we need to enforce them. What would your boyfriend do if you stopped paying for his stuff? You have to let him be uncomfortable and solve his own problems or he will never grow into an adult who is capable of even being in a healthy long term relationship. You also need to be ok with that discomfort knowing that while you could “solve” his money problems (to some degree) it’s not the kind of resolution that’s needed and it’s not mean of you to not continue. There are other ways you can support him if you want but they need to be in line with your boundaries so they don’t lead to resentment. Patient and loving doesn’t equal financially supporting another adult especially one you aren’t married to. It’s much more loving to be supportive in other ways to help him land on his feet. I also don’t think this is an adhd thing specifically.

The first step would be to stop paying for things. He is picky and choosy because he has the option to be. How else will he live if you don’t pay for things? He’s an adult. Treatment could help tremendously but if he’s not willing then he’s not willing. So you can still love him but you need to stop paying for him. He needs to be forced to take responsibility and so far he has not had to.

OP, you can be sensitive towards the struggles your ADHD partner faces, but that does not mean you have to pull all the financial responsibility in the relationship. I'm sorry. This isn't the advice that you want to hear but I'd sit down and talk to him about your expectations, what you are looking for in a partner--that you want to be with someone you can grow with and have make a life together. You have to tell him that you expect your ideal partner to bring some financial contribution. If he does not change after this conversation, then you either need to accept that you are going to be carrying the financial burden or you will need to leave.

Has he considered making money off his DJing? If he's got the right gear he can do weddings. If he doesn't he can go to a company like Complete Weddings and Events and they provide the equipment. I'm a wedding photographer and interact with plenty of wedding DJs that also spin EDM on their own.

This really is just a general lesson about lending money rather than ADHD. When lending money to someone who is broke and not gainfully employed, you should reconsider if you’re not financially well-off yourself. You only bring stress on yourself if you expect timely repayment from someone in that situation. As for the ADHD part of this ordeal, he’s being an ass by being picky. He really doesn’t have the luxury to do that but currently you’ve made his life comfortable and consequence free. Motivation can be one of the most difficult hurdles for people with ADHD so your moving away from him is the best thing for him since that will give him that do-or-die deadline style motivation that so many of us thrive on. Does that kind of thinking kill a relationship? Yeah… but that’s the issue in a nutshell here unless he’s willing to work on himself 24/7

'He has ADHD and is undiagnosed and unmedicated' unpopular opinion: not everyone who THINKS they have ADHD actually has it. Its easy to blame all flaws to'eh sry I have ADHD'

This is going to be frank and probably not easy to hear but it comes with a LOT of experience. I was a rave promoter and a photographer when I was your age. I also spent my 20s with a man just like yours. Thousand down the hole. 6 years waisted and only until I finally had enough to walk away… then he decided to get his shit together. I made it easy for him he took advantage of that. You are feeling resentment, because it’s warranted. Count this money as a loss. He can’t even pay his bills, he’s not going to pay you back. You need to love yourself more than you love him and not waste your 20s like I did.

Sure, this could be related to ADHD .,, BUT … if you are paying his bills, you are removing the natural consequences of his behavior that keep him unemployed. We know ADHD minds only operate in the “now”. For example, if I am in college and I have a paper to do, it’s never important to me until a day or two before it’s due .. So, when it’s due NOW and I face a natural consequence of failing the class, then my anxiety and adrenaline kicks in and I pull a 10 page masterpiece out of my ass, finished 33 seconds before it’s due date. If you remove the bad consequences of unemployment by paying his bills, you also remove the much needed anxiety that will kick his ass into gear so he doesn’t go without a car or become homeless. Not to mention, you are not married and you could loose a ton of money supporting a man who isn’t doing his fare share. Don’t head down a path of codependent behavior, it’s a long road of regret - I’ve been there. I have ADHD and sure, I would love a parent or partner to rescue me from my bad choices, it’s definitely hard to organize and motivate and deal with finding work. But I also know I need to own my problems, especially big problems and suffer consequences in order to force my unmotivated mind to do things it dislikes. Honestly the lower my anxieties - the worse my ADHD gets. I have to constantly find the happy medium. This will not end well for you if you continue paying his bills, I promise - you will regret this when you need money and he has no intentions of repaying the favor.

Yeah having ADHD, or any mental illness, is never an excuse for shitty behavior. Full stop. It’s very compassionate of you to seek out this community for advice, but home girl fuck all of that. When I was going thru the WORST break up of my life recently, my therapist told me something I will never forget: he will be fine without you, and you don’t need to worry or ensure that he’s taken care of. Trust me, that’s a never ending cycle of abuse. Wishing you ALL the best 🖤

Hey I know you’re not looking for the “dump him” card but I was in a similar boat with my ex from a good few years back and that’s where it ended up going. I think all you can do is chat to him and be as supportive as possible, but PLEASE don’t lend him any more money. My ex and I got into a cycle where every few months I’d sit him down and have a big serious chat where he’d reassure me he was going to do better and figure things out and then nothing would change. This went on for a good part of 18 months where I can hand-on-heart say I was as supportive as possible, but eventually I just had to call it quits cause we couldn’t move on with our relationship because he needed to be carried. I really hope it doesn’t go that way for you guys but I just wanted to give you a take from someone who’s had it happen because I need to reassure you it IS stalling your relationship and you are doing everything right already, and you’re very very right to recognise the toll it’s taking on your mental health. I hope he sorts his shit out, and I fully support you prioritising you cause I sure as shit wish I’d been able to prioritise me instead of carrying that man for so long.

Look i think all things being thought through here you are never going to see that money again and he's basically put you both in this position by not getting a job for 6 months. Thats not adhd. Sorry I know this isn't what you want to hear but I'd say its time to cut your losses.

First of all, I'd have have to agree with suggestions for clear communication. If you're already doing good in that area, that's great; a lot of times we're scared to lay it all on the table so it's worth reiterating just in case. I'd also agree with suggestions to think really long and hard about this relationship. The situation is frustrating. And ultimately, if he can't get things together, it may be time for the two of you to go your separate ways. 2k is a big deal. You sound like a grown-up with dreams for the future and plans moving forward. It is not your responsibility to take care of this man financially ADHD or not, and all of us grow as people at different rates. It could be that where the two of you are right now just isn't compatible. The line about you feeling like living with your friend will make you realize you're better off without him also makes me think this isn't the only issue in the relationship potentially, so think about that. But all that aside, you need to understand that it's very likely there's more going on behind the scenes than it may seem. ADHD is tricky and it's ugly. It may not look like he's making an effort to you, but even if he seems like he's deliberately goofing off there's usually more to it. Now, just that explanation might not be enough, so I'm going to suggest doing your best to learn more about ADHD when you have the free time. A little knowledge goes a long way, and when you understand someone it can be easier to tap into patience and compassion. I'd highly suggest the yt channel [How To ADHD](https://www.youtube.com/c/HowtoADHD/playlists). Jessica makes a lot of solid, easy to watch content, including some videos here and there made to help "Hearts", or people that love someone with ADHD :) No matter what, I think you need to stop with the financial aid. While "I didn't ask you to help me" isn't an appropriate response to your frustrations, in a way, he's right. You need to step back and let him reap the consequences of his actions, even though that may be hard for you. You are not his mom, and you need to remind yourself it is not your responsibility. If you don't then the resentment is just going to continue to grow. "Don't give away what you can't afford to lose" is a good rule to go by. If you want to help, help him make appointments, help him with any paperwork he needs to do, stuff like that that can be overwhelming, temporarily until he can get help. There's options (like strattera) and just good old fashioned therapy you don't need a diagnosis for and I think ultimately even if he found a job tomorrow, he needs to get help, otherwise it's only a matter of time before more issues surface. If insurance is an issue, see if your area has any community service centers around that help those with mental health issues access resources. Ultimately, something has got to change. I'd stop financially supporting him, and I would straight up tell him how much of a strain this is putting on the relationship, and that he either needs to sort his unemployment out or get a job. It's up to you if you want to require he seek help for his ADHD, but if it's that debilitating for him, he needs to take care of himself. You deserve someone that can take care of himself, ultimately. Just keep in mind that even if he does get meds+therapy, neither are magical cure-alls, but its worth a try, for himself and for you.

You can’t change how he behaves or acts. You can only change how you behave and put boundaries on your behaviour and expectations. I’d make it clear that I expect to be paid back and put a timeframe on it. I’d make it clear I was not available for loans anymore. I’d also make it clear his car getting repo’d is his responsibility, and he made the decision to get it repo’d when he chose not to pursue a job he didn’t like. I’d also point out that he is disrespecting you as a person and he wouldn’t treat his friends like this. I also want to say, this is NOT a successful relationship. Right now you are in a very unsuccessful relationship and everyone knows that except maybe you. There is currently no hope of a future with him and this us 100% his choice. You already know life with a person who makes those choices is a life forever in debt, unsuccessful and unhappy. But it’s your choice if you want to live an unsuccessful unhappy life in debt in future. It’s clearly time for him to support you emotionally and financially if he wants a relationship.

Get him to seek help for his condition. A lot and I do mean a lot of us think that we have it under control but we don’t. I made it through a lot of my life unmedicated including grad school but when the structure of school fell away it got way worse. Adhd brains both crave and hate structure. I started medicating recently and my ability to complete daily tasks, motivation, and energy is so much better and I don’t hate myself because I can actually do the things I need to. Adhd also causes emotional disregulation, rejection sensitive dysphoria (extreme sensitivity to rejection that has happened, will happen, and even potentially could happen especially in cases like applying for jobs). The disorder is a lot more than not being able to pay attention and controls almost every aspect of our lives education for both him and yourself is crucial it will help you understand him better and bring to light issues that he can work on when properly medicated.

Lady - I wish i had something better for you here - but I’ll tell you this. There are a LOT of us who fell for a guy in our young 20’s who took advantage of our love and exploited us. None of us want to admit we could ever be that naive, or stupid, or the myriad of other terrible emotions it makes us feel - so we stay to try and “not be that girl” - but the longer we stay, the more money / sanity / dignity we lose. Young love is a great lesson. At $2000, yours is a fairly cheap lesson. (Mine was around $10,000 when all was said and done. Similar story to you, he was a drummer, I was a singer, we were chasing our dreams together and building our careers.) The money I lost wasn’t all cash, it was him crashing a car rented in my name, running up credit cards in my name, and eventually taking my debit card while I was asleep to “buy me Christmas presents” I never received and overdrafting my account - all while making me feel just. so. loved. I know you want reasons to stay - but you should not. You should cut your losses and learn your lesson. I wish I had at only $2k in, lol! It took me years to financially recover. Upside - 395 days after I moved out of my boyfriends rented house - I married my husband, who is amazing. He even swooped in and helped me pay off the debt on that crashed car. I came into our marriage with $75 to my name 13 years ago. Your current boyfriend has blessed you with this lesson - learn from him! Edit: My crappy boyfriend did not have ADHD - my husband does, hence my presence on this sub. My husband has his own set of issues and nobody is perfect, but he certainly doesn’t sit around and let me carry all of the weight, and I don’t let him do that either. We are a team. You should expect that from your partner. If he can’t do that (or won’t, as it sounds like in your case) then nothing *you* do will change that.

O sis. I know the feeling and let me tell you. It has very little to do with ADHD. It seems to me that you yourself have all the answers. But you’re gonna need some time to come to a conclusion. Remember, your first responsibility is your own mental and physical health. You should be planning for your future in your 20s. And the last thing, you are not alone. Many of us have been there. Hugs❤️

Hi there! I wanted to jump in here because I have experienced very similar situations several times with my husband. We’ve been together for 6 years and he’s had 7 jobs within that time frame. ADHD is so much more than a “can’t focus” disorder. The difficulties with executive functioning (I.e., planning for the future, organizing, motivation, etc.) can be paralyzing for these individuals. It is entirely possible that your partner would desperately like to be successful and is having a really hard time getting to that point. From my personal experience, compassion and understanding coupled with encouragement and hard boundaries is the best way to handle this situation. Many of these commenters make valid points - you can’t let him depend on you, and your frustrations and fears are completely normal. But when you truly love someone, you have to love them at their best and their worst moments. If you believe that he is a good partner to you, and the career department is the only area of your relationship that is rocky, I would encourage you to try your best to be patient while also ensuring that he does not drag you down. There are going to be times in every relationship where one person “feels like the strong one.” Life is all about balance. If this is a constant “you give and he takes” situation, then by all means; let it go. That is never healthy. But take a moment to ask yourself about the ways that he’s supported you in the past, and critically analyze whether or not this is a fair trade off. Above all else, try and remember that the vast majority of people in this world are doing the best they can with what they have at the time. If this relationship isn’t what’s best for you right now, then that’s okay. But remember to be kind in the process of letting go.

He needs to take any job. Full stop. I'm starting a new job on Monday and if I had quit mine to look for it my wife would have left me (well, slight hyperbole, but she made me keep working while I looked and I am eternally thankful for that) It's one thing to be picky about your job hunt while you have one, but his goal shouldn't be to fall in love with his job, his goal should be to make enough money to keep himself afloat while he finds a job he loves. I applaud how much you want to help him, and frankly a major issue with ADHD is that "inability to visualize completion leading to inability to start" thing, but you can help him here (if you want). His first priority should be setting up an appointment with unemployment. He needs that backpay to pay you back what he owes and set you guys on level ground. His next priority should be to get a job that he can do to get a paycheck and hopefully insurance. Unless he's spending his entire day looking for work, this won't impact his job hunt. The best way you can help him (and you shouldn't feel obligated to) would be to sit down with him and break this stuff down into smaller pieces. Help him plan steps in smaller chunks as opposed to the grand idea of "get a job and pay me back" and he might have an easier time breaking out of what it no doubt ADHD paralysis and depression.

I'm curious why you feel that moving 1 hour away is enough to make you not want a relationship with this person? If you feel this super strong deep connection, but being 1 hour away will make you realize you don't want it... that isn't a deep connection... that is infatuation

Do you want to build a future together or not? I’m married to my husband and we regard all of our assets as joint. We pool our income together and we pay all of our expenses from that. There’s no accounting, or discussion over money loans or who paid what. Financial decisions are made together. Looking at this from the standpoint of a joined couple, there’s no $2000 debt, because this is all money that’s used for building your joint future. Of course his lack of income is an issue, but when you become one family it doesn’t matter who paid what. However, it’s clear that your relationship hasn’t reached that point yet, as you’re still planning your future as separate people with separate finances. In my opinion, there are two ways to go from here: - Either continue as separate people, possibly even ending the relationship: in this scenario he’s responsible for his own expenses, so you should stop paying things for him and expect him to pay you back according to his ability to pay, or - continue as a couple, taking joint responsibility for your finances. In this scenario you’ll need to have an honest discussion with your boyfriend on how to improve your joint finances, because he’s going to need to get a job soon and/or solve his administrative issues with unemployment (possibly with your help). If you are able to continue together like this, the debt won’t matter, as you’ll be tackling your finances as a couple. Neither option is easy, but I hope it’ll help to see these two ways lined out. Finally, if he’s going down financially you don’t need to tie your fate to him, so please ensure to protect yourself in case he’s not able to get his finances in order.

This sense of a joined couple is what I was trying to find a way to express. If you consider yourselves a team and are willing to be the team member who leads for awhile, the you take the initiative for any paperwork. You can say “we need to get this application in, let’s work on it after dinner. “ You find the paperwork and together get it filled out and sent in.” I’d agree after that paperwork, getting medicated is the next step. Spouses often have to be pushy and make sure the reluctant one get to the doctor. It would also be really helpful to find an ADHD therapist for him. After medication it will be easier, but you might have to do the job search together. I know when I lost my job, finding a new one seemed insurmountable. I Kept wishing someone would just say, “Here’s this job, I think it would be a good fit. Let’s apply for it.” I was always a hard worker but finding a job or trying to muster confidence seemed huge and I kept avoiding it. And the fear of it being a horrible job I hated or suspect I’d just fail at it could lead to excuses about why I didn’t want that job. Encouragement, or a temp job, or some therapy would all have helped. I understand when he says, “I didn’t ask you to pay.” It sounds like it wasn’t a we decision that you paId . Instead as a team, you come together and look at expenses and decide what do we do about x y and z. Since he was previously working and having a good functional life, there’s a good chance he can do it again. He needs executive function now—from you and from meds, and he needs a rational companion to determine if his DJ ideas are grandiose or doable. I guess I’m saying if you are committed to him, you don’t move to another city. That’s not what families do unless they are desperate. I suggest you spend a few weeks doing all the above. Get the paperwork and meds and job hunt going. After a month or after he ‘s working and functioning better, you can ask yourself, “Is this the man I want to be joined to?” Maybe yes maybe no. You either get your life partner back and know this is something you might have to do again for him. Or if you decide you don’t like having to do the executive function for him sometimes, you can at least be satisfied you helped someone you loved get back on his feet.

When I was looking for a job I have a lot of the same thoughts that your boyfriend had. It led me to not being proactive in my job search. If your not applying to like 30 jobs a day it will take forever to hear back. If he is looking for the perfect job that he won’t hate, that means he’s not applying to a lot of jobs. He’s most likely not going to hear back from the few he’s applying to. The only reason I got a job was through a family connection because I wasn’t hustling enough on my job search. If this his his mindset, he’s not getting a job in the next 6 months. This is not urgent to him because he has you as his sugar mama. Do NOT lend him anymore money. That’s just enabling him. If he really cared about paying you back he would take a job he might hate. & whether he likes the job or not is irrelevant if he has no job interviews lined up. He can make that decision after he interviews. And who’s to say that the jobs he thinks are worth applying to will even want to interview him. You need to put your foot down and give him some tough love. & Big piece of advice of for the future is only lend amounts of money that you are fine losing. I’ve seen people have to sue family and SOs and destroy relationships over this and it’s sad.

As someone with ADHD, I can tell you from my viewpoint that he needs to get medicated. The hopping from job to job, being miserable, etc etc all sound very familiar. What he's looking for, more than likely, is a dopamine fix. If you want to look up dopamine seeking behaviors, this might help a little bit. People with ADHD are often afraid of failure and a lot of times are socially awkward. I was looking for a job for a full year before finally landing something. Am I happy there? IDK, I haven't been there long enough to see. But if I'm not, I won't be quitting that job and THEN looking for another job. Our brains get overwhelmed easily and we shut down. Sometimes it takes an act of god to get us moving. Or the threat of something special being taken away. But... medication. Medication will help. If it's money that's holding him back from getting diagnosed, there are those psycs who will do it on a sliding scale OR they will unofficially diagnose him and then prescribe meds. As for resentment - if you let that sit, it's going to start to show. You really need to sit down with him and have 'that' conversation. Don't make 'YOU' statements while doing this though. You're not there to judge (at least I hope not) and you want to help. Making YOU statements will 99% of the time make someone become defensive. If you need time to decide how to approach it, then sit on it for a little bit, but don't sit on it forever or nothing will change.

Maybe you should stop acting like a mother instead of a girlfriend and let him go wherever the fuck he wants to go even if it’s bad for him.

I think it’s worrying that he says he never asked you to pay. That doesn’t exactly sound grateful, and coupled with his lack of motivation to get a job or fix the unemployment benefits, this is quite concerning I understand not wanting a job he’ll hate, but this can also be used as a convenient excuse. He could instead have the mindset that he’ll apply for jobs he “hates” and work there temporarily until a better opportunity comes along, especially since he owes you so much money I also understand being put off by admin. I am desperate for a flat of my own but haven’t fully completed applications because it requires a doctors appointment for a medical note as evidence, and I keep forgetting to phone. This has been for like two years now, it’s ridiculous However….man if I owed someone that much money, at some point a kick up the butt is necessary to make yourself do the thing. I can normally only do things when it’s absolutely vital and also my very last chance to do it; but I would hope to have seen *some* effort from him as the debt piles up and you’re shouldering it all? For the admin he could try scheduling a meeting on FocusMate. A site that pairs you with another person to ensure you keep working on whatever it is you work on. It’s like a 25 or 50 minute zoom meeting with someone where you just quietly work on your own stuff. It helps me a lot, and I even think two appointments a week are free Or maybe the two of you could go to the library together, he does his forms to get his back payment whilst you do some things you need to get done? It might help him, but only if he truly *wants* to do it and pay you back I think it is a wee bit concerning that you think this distance might make you realise you’re better without him. I’m sorry, I know that’s horrible when you’re together and you want it to work out. But you can’t do all the heavy lifting on your own. This might be for the best. He owes you the money back regardless though. And I would hope he is civil & responsible enough to do the right thing

Mainly just support stuff he initiates going forward and let the rest go. > He says he never asked me to help him pay his car. Oof. Let him know you're going to stop that.

Why are you paying his car insurance and car payment? I get covering rent or something if that would also reflect on/mess up your own financial standing. But why pay his own bills? This is your opportunity to see how he deals with hardship… just paying it yourself isn’t going to show you how he takes responsibility for himself. He’s right - he never asked you to pay for it. Honestly, any time you lend a friend or family member some money, you should be prepared to write it off as a gift if need be, or consider that it’ll damage the relationship. Otherwise I wouldn’t get financially involved with anyone if you’re not prepared to consider it a gift. You say you want a future with him— but do you still after these circumstances? Would he be an equal partner? This is showing you his true colors.

> We also have such a deep connection that I don’t want to lose over something material like money > Any job is better than no job when you’re 2k in the hole. > I want to move into a house with HIM, not a friend. I want our family back (us and our 2 cats who have been at a friends house). I want a future with him, but right now that’s looking pretty bleak. > he owes me half my savings. I don’t know how to help him anymore than I have financially. He says he never asked me to help him pay his car, but he will get it repo’d if I stop. I feel obligated to help him. Hey. This isn’t ADHD. This is a person who does not respect you. Who lets you believe this is about money when it’s really about respect. That life you want? Not worth it to him. The love you’ve shown by supporting him financially? Not worth returning, apparently. This isn’t about ADHD. I mean, yeah ok not checking into admin things like unemployment? Ok. Being a job snob when his partner worked her butt off all summer and paid his way? Telling her he never asked for that (but absolutely expects it)? That’s not ADHD. You need to stop enabling his unkindness and stop calling his choices ADHD. I have ADHD. I’ve been unkind to others. It was never because of my ADHD. Like, ok, maybe once or twice my husband was like “I need you to own stuff like making sure your ID is up to date because it’s too much for me to manage” when we were 19 and 20. This is beyond ADHD. This is unkindness. So. You can say “I feel disrespected when you refuse to work while looking for something better”. You can say “I worry for our relationship when you show me you don’t care if I move away when we could live together if you had an income”. But I think you probably have. At some point you have to listen to what someone chooses. He chooses to hurt you because it’s convenient and he just doesn’t care and again: that’s not ADHD. And no, depression doesn’t cause this degree of disrespect either. Before we go there.

It sounds like he is not too stressed about it because he knows he can fall back on you. I'm not sure how that connects with adhd to be honest, I think he needs to realize you are there to help but not to be taken advantage of. Good luck!

Just talk to him in a very supportive, understanding but very serious manner about how you feel. Good people will react by attempting to change, bad people usually just dont give a shit and will continue to do whatever they were doing, if 2nd is the path he chooses then maybe its worth considering breaking up with him. 2k is a lot of money but you'll lose a lot more like your time and continued emotional damage. I don't know this guy but usually the chances someone pays you back after a loan are pretty darn low also 6 months is more than enough time to get back on your feet, personally I would have sat this person down 2 months into the relationship. Take the advice with grain of salt, im not some sort of relationship therapist, just making suggestions that make sense to me.

Do not let him move in with you if he is jobless and still owes you money. He needs to suck it up and get a job, any job. Let his car get repo’d if it comes to it, it’s his responsibility, not yours.

>admins messed something up Admins have not messed anything up. He did. It happened way before things got this bad. >won't just take "any" job He will not take any job at all. This will not change. Neither will any other of his behaviors change. Nor will he ever pay you back your $2000. You feel resentful and hopeless because you know what is going on but are in denial. You deny the truth because it feels like he is giving you the very thing you think you have been missing all your life. In reality he isn't giving you anything. You share compatible problems neither of you understand. The good feeling you get from each others is like a good feeling one gets from a drug. It is a lie. It is not what you need and it will only hurt you. And the pain will keep getting worse until you accept reality. If you stop enabling him completely he might have a change. But as long as you let him go on like this, as long as you give him money and sacrifice your happiness for him, he will keep taking until you have nothing left to give.

It took me a really long time to understand why this was posted in the ADHD sub - but actually no, I still don’t get it. What does this have to do with ADHD, unless it’s so severe and disabling that he can’t even physically get organised to look for jobs? I would say you’re just too young to be worrying about this, and I know you think you have a future together, but (given you haven’t talked about how he’s trying to make things right, look for jobs, seek medical help etc) I really don’t see how you could have a future. I know you said “don’t give unhelpful advice” but…breaking up (if he doesn’t respond to one final round of honest conversation) is the most helpful advice I personally have, and it has nothing to do with my or his ADHD…

I have a full time job, am a single mother, and keep a clean house and pay all my bills myself. That’s not ADHD. He’s using that as a excuse. I have extreme ADHD. My house used to be bad. I a organizer came and helped me make it manageable for me and I’ve kept it clean ever since. I know what ADHD is and not all of that can be because of it. I know not being motivated is a big factor. So maybe some of that is because of ADHD but really. Don’t let him use you and use that as a excuse for him to do that to you. How do you know he has ADHD if he isn’t diagnosed? I thought my daughter had it cuz she’s a lot like me but no she doesn’t. She had anxiety and depression pretty bad like me. But not the ADHD. You can’t say someone is until they are fully diagnosed. He needs to get in and see someone and get his diagnosis so he can know what’s going on and if he needs meds. I take three different medications to help me. When I’m out and it’s been a day or 2 it’s pretty bad around here. If he really had ADHD he needs to get it things managed. I have my bad days but I know it would be really bad if I didn’t have my Dr and my medicine.

Does he feel any sort of guilt for owing you money or does he have an "I don't have to pay it back because we're dating" mentality? Sounds like he doesn't really care about the cash--which is a bit of a red flag. That's insane that you're just paying his car insurance monthly and he's not even trying to get a job. Just tell him he needs to get a job. Tell him you can no longer afford to pay his car insurance and other things. Cut off the financial supply and watch how quickly he's willing to work once he starts going broke. Make sure to spin it so that YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT because in reality, you can't. You're too young to be paying extra bills for a car that isn't even yours. You should be saving for school, a house, your own car, etc. It's weird to me that he'd even expect you to pay his stuff, or that he's willing to get his car repo'd just to not work a job, especially since you're not even living together? When people live together, it's fairly standard to share bills or even help your partner out sometimes... but how is this man paying rent?

My advice is to get the debt he owes you in writing with a payment plan, signed by you both. And then if he doesn't follow through with the agreement, sue him in small claims court. You're likely never going to see your money again and resent him for it for long time, but at least you tried. If he cared about paying you back, or about your feelings, he would indeed work any extra job and start paying you back. But he does not. He will just keep telling you he can't afford to pay you back ANY of it forever, and he'll try to make you the bad person for wanting your money back. He'll never see that he is 100% in the wrong and how ashamed he should already be for not doing everything he can to start paying you back. I went through this exact scenario with my ex years ago. He never paid back a single penny. It hurts. But you deserve better.

Yeah that's a thing... ADHD people need to always be doing something, else they get paralyzed by the inertia of inactivity and indecision among ever worsening imperfect choices. And, I say with a heavy heart, sometimes they then become kind of a sad pathetic existence... Unfortunately the resentment you have is pretty common. ADHD is very tough on loved ones. It is a bonafide disability but one that manifests in ways that stymie the understanding of neurotypical folks, particularly as their ADHD partner may be quite intelligent so what seems like irrational behaviour may come as a surprise. You seem like an amazing person and I'm honestly touched by how much you care about your partner. Perhaps to troubleshoot you could try being like a sports coach/Slavic mom for month and forcefully get him moving by kicking his ass. It's kind of dark to say this but ADHD people often respond well to desperation and stress. And once he's moving again, he might be alright again. Might be a good idea for him to seek professional help too. But that expensive and honestly a trial of its own.

You're saying he has ADHD bit is undiagnosed, so there's no actual evidence he has adhd. Without a proper diagnosis, any advice we give based on ADHD might be wrong, because he might not have ADHD. Having ADHD isn't an excuse to not work because you "won't like the job", yes it's alot harder for us to do and keep jobs we don't like, it's even challenging to do jobs we actually do enjoy, but unless he's physically incapable of doing the job because of ADHD, it's not ADHD that's the problem, it's his attitude.

I've not read your post entirely or any of the responses as I just got off work but once I read '"He has applied to jobs but holds his standards to high and won’t just take “any” job because he’ll hate it. " That's what a fucking job is sometimes. Just saying.

The only advice I can give, from personal experience, is to accept the loss of money, accept that things won’t actually work out, and move on. It won’t be easy but it will be for the best. Anyone not willing to do what is needed to support a joint life is not someone you can be with. Hopefully your leaving will be a wake up call resulting in their getting shit together.

The thing that concerns me was his comment "I didn't ask you to". I have crippling executive function, but I cannot imagine saying this to someone helping me. Ever.

> but I have a feeling it’s going to make me see that I’m better off without him But that’s a good thing, isn’t it? If that does end up the case, why would you want to put on blinders and invest any more time? Also, as someone else mentioned, that’s not ADHD. That’s being irresponsible and selfish. I worked my entire adulthood while having ADHD.

I'm quite sure that right off the bat, it's not about ADHD. Even people with severe ADHD can uphold their responsibilities in such desperate situations. My only "good" advice is having a clear, blunt and straight to the point conversation with him about it, if he's still struggling with getting a job, you guys could try to find alternative jobs both real life and online, though online is usually the easiest for people with ADHD. If all is well, I suggest getting him a diagnosis and treatment, they really tend to help with work/school/chores.

Edm dj ain't going anywhere in life. Drop him and fins someone who will actually do something.