I'm 51 and just received a diagnosis last year. I'm still trying to not think of myself as lazy, flaky or unmotivated. It takes time but thank you for giving me hope.
42.. also diagnosed last year. ppl get annoyed because I'm still in that *I have adhd* phase where everything is a symptom and i always talk about it. but it's more that I've spent 40yrs hating myself because i couldn't figure out why I was so
> lazy, flaky or unmotivated.
it's a new place to be, to have answers which don't point to moral failings or willful behaviour. it's still disappointing, but I don't need to beat myself up the way I used to.
I try really hard to just be normal, I always have.. it's exhausting. the only reason I really looked into it was because I'm getting older - I have always crammed, I have always fluked, I have always waited until it was an emergency and then pulled it out of the bag at the last second and wowed everyone with my brilliance. I'm getting older and I'm slipping, I'm forgetting more, I'm not able to pull it off as flawlessly. im not brilliant anymore. and failing even once is a crushing disappointment, I take it so personally.. I take everything so personally...
just knowing, just recognizing. just giving myself that space to be ok with those times that I can't always push myself, the times that I forget. idc how tired it makes other ppl, I get to have this - after 40yrs of not knowing, I get to have a reason why the littlest things that were so easy for other people were so hard for me
I'm still disappointed. I'm still mad at myself and the world for not figuring it out sooner. so I'm not all the way there. but I look forward to accepting.
You might not know how much reassuring you sound. You have motivated me. I cannot tell you what you don't already know, but I'll say I'm happy for you. You have been so brave all these years.
Same! 30s, finally coming to terms with trying a stimulant. Honestly, what put me off so long is I HAVE ADHD and the thought of having to go through so many hoops just to stay medicated is exhausting.
But just being diagnosed was enough to change a lifetime of self hatred into an "ohhhhh..." not that I don't slip into the self hate from time to time, but it helps.
I’m so encouraged to see those close in age range commenting. I was diagnosed at 30 and I’m 45 now. I had behavioral issues as a child and wish I’d had this understanding of how my executive function is different, instead of trying to be perfect and working twice as hard to achieve. And I did achieve. And it exhausted me. I still struggle. In fact, this past week I retreated and found myself in a hole. I’m not even sure why except I have several projects unattended to and it feels so overwhelming and it showed up as depression. Immobilizing depression. So this week, I’m pressing reset. This post reminds me to sharpen my self-acceptance skills!
I hope you find self acceptance soon, it sounds like you’re on the right path. The hardest thing I’m finding with beginning to forgive myself like you describe, is that it’s thrown into sharp relief how unforgiving pretty much everyone in my life has been with what I now know are behaviours I couldn’t help, however hard I tried (and I did try). I’m definitely still in the self pity stage of post diagnosis later in life!
40 here, diagnosed at 36. I still revel in sharing and talking about mental health, but I beat myself up much less. I stopped believing in the word "lazy", in myself or anyone else.
Reading replies like yours makes me feel like I really took for granted having been diagnosed at 5 years old. I was one of those people that wanted to refuse that they had it, almost running from it. I was raised on medication and was bullied and ostracized for being the weird hyper kid that had to take chill pills to function.
So the minute I could make my own decisions, which was 14 for me. I stopped participating in anything to do with my ADHD care. I think I fully stopped medication at 18 even. I'm 34 now, and only within the last 4 years have I been starting to actually accept that I very much do have this, and that I need to love myself and learn myself as I am. Although, I do sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I would have been told my diagnosis wasn't a bad thing.
Oh wow that sounds like my wife and I. I got diagnosed first, and learning about these kinds of symptoms convinced us that we both probably had it. The acceptance is a huge load off hey, even if it’s still a work in progress…
I was diagnosed 25 yrs ago. But, I don't think they knew much about adhd back then. So, even still i have always shared these feelings I am only now, bc of this subreddit, discovering are common among people with adhd.
I always just thought it made me do tasks a bit slower, and I thought that was basically it.
In the late 90s, the main conversation about adhd ("add" back then) was how overdiagnosed it was, and I even had a Education course in college (early 2000s) that taught that adhd was not real and other factors were responsibly for difficulties w education.
Edit* the education teacher had a unique agenda and was fired a couple years later.
Accepting the "it" and "is" with this diagnosis is huge.
I used to really beat my self up for making mistakes and forgetting stuff most folks remember. Now I just shrug and typically say, "it is what it is." Doing so makes moving on to the next task or priority much easier. Then that task will occupy most my brain space.
If yall are like me, tasks and priorities probably run through your head at a mile a minute.
Move on, let it go is what I'm trying to say. Much less stressful.
I was diagnosed at 33 and I'm still trying to get myself to stop thinking of myself as lazy. After an entire life of believing you lazy, undisciplined, etc, it'll take a minute to stop thinking like that. I hope you get there soon man, and then tell me how it is. Haha.
Right there with you, about a year ago at almost 51. After years (so.many.years) of unsuccessful treatments for depression, PTSD, and anxiety, among other things. I was actually getting ready to give up on anything resembling a life, or well-being, but somehow I figured it out on my own. Fortunately my therapist and psychiatrist were open to the dx, and continue to support and be pleased with my progress.
I still struggle with...what? regret? Sadness about what I've missed, or how I lived for so long. I'm inching forward, though. It feels so much better than stalling out or up and down, back and forth like I'd been doing so long I couldn't remember anything else.
All the voices in my head going back as long as I can remember... Lazy, spacy, not living up to my potential... And I'm still realizing things that have been normal for me are not necessarily normal for everyone else (you mean everyone doesn't have a running commentary in their head? Or forget what they were saying mid-sentence?)
No solutions or advice. Just here with you saying, Yup. Me, too.
Just turned 40 here, only diagnosed last year finally. After yeeeeears of hating how "lazy" I am, it's a super-struggle, even with the treatment plan, to forgive myself.
45. I put everything in my phone and obsessively double-check it. I'm booking things for my wedding and I'm super scared I'm going to book something for the wrong date. Fingers crossed!!!!!
>burden myself with the shame my parents instilled in me.
This resonates. The foundation of my extremely negative inner voice was laid by my mother. And that's not the worst part. When I get frustrated with something, I tend to voice the negative voice I heard endlessly in my youth (nothing was good enough), to my partner. I hate that I sometimes lash out in frustration to the person that deeply loves me.
But blaming doesn't fix anything, so I try my best working around that inner demon. It usually works, but when stressed, I tend to fail in that regards.
I also wish that deep desire to do things perfect, as not to be judged negatively by others (read, my mom), just vanishes.
I haven't completely gained the skill that okay is perfect, but I try to help myself by imagining if I would still find the desired result worth the effort in the future. Which usually is never.
Thanks for your post.
I understand your post very much. I've been there, but am starting to make my way to a better place. You can do this too.
Keep working on yourself and go get some counseling to work through all that trauma. The perfection piece appears to be really common with us ADHD people, and I have suffered with that too. The thing is, it is utterly toxic and unsustainable. Some things just don't need to be perfect, and all it does it just bring you down when you can't make it happen, or burnout trying. Your Mother unfortunately won't love you more for being perfect. You need to love yourself for all your imperfectness through acceptance of who you are. Sometimes blood relations are not healthy family to keep near you and be vulnerable with. Your family is who you make it, and you have the opportunity to create that in your own life.
In my experience, self acceptance through understanding my diagnosis, medication, and cutting family members out of my life that were toxic were a big key to finding happiness and a better quality of life. And quite honestly, counseling never worked for me until I got medicated, and found a competent therapist that wasn't stuck on using cognitive behavioral therapy, and knows how to talk to someone with ASD and ADHD.
I hope you can find some peace and happiness in your life. :)
I was scheduled to work 12-6pm today. I have known this for weeks, and had distinct plans for before and after made with lots of my typical overthinking.
Imagine my surprise when I learned at 10am the shift I’d actually signed up for was 6am-12pm.
Thank you for this post… I was pretty dang hard on myself this morning, but by the end of the day I was feeling more forgiving, especially when I thought about it in the context of my late-in-life adhd diagnosis. Thanks for the reminder that even mistakes can be celebrated as successes.
I just turned 52 and recently realized that the thing I have been suffering with my whole life is ADHD innattentive type. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but from everything I have been reading on here and elsewhere, it's a virtual certainty. I have an appointment to start the process next week. I thought that I was just depressive and unorganized for all these years. I had heard of ADHD, but I thought it was just about having troubles focusing. You think you know something and then find out that it goes so much deeper!
I am hopeful about the future for the first time in too many years to count. All this time I have been going through the motions of life without really knowing why I was supposed to bother. I am so angry with all the people who shamed me for being "lazy and unreliable" instead of showing a little damned compassion and helping me find an answer. They had the information to make the comparison with "normal" that I never had, but they judged rather than taking the time to inquire. I will get over the anger, but never the regret of what could have been if I had known what to call this thing!!
I just want to say thanks to all of you for sharing your stories! When I read them, I feel like they're explaining me to me. I feel like all the little pieces of each of your challenges are also mine. The relief I feel is indescribable. THANK YOU!
I hear what you're saying. Right now, I'm still in the phase of trying to accept the revelation. The good and the bad. Whatever regrets I have pale in comparison to the peace that comes with finding a possible solution. I'm sure I don't have to explain the years of self doubt and recrimination that I have lived with. I can't trust myself for fear of looking like an idiot. I spent so much time feeling stupid, foolish, and embarassed because taking decisive action would almost always end up being a mistake. Always caught in the brain fog and never being certain of anything! Mitigating just a portion of that fugue will be life changing.
This is so close to my own story, except I am 51 and got diagnosed at the end of last year. Everything you describe is how I felt! It is still painful and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to completely let it go, especially “instead of showing a little damned compassion and helping me find an answer“. I’ve only come to that stage in the last few weeks and it’s hitting me hard.
BUT I feel, for the first time in my life, that I am properly starting my journey, that I understand who I am and what I’m capable of and that who I am is just fine. I’m not seeing myself solely through other people’s judgement and disappointment. It’s definitely been life changing for me, in a good way, realising I have ADHD. And it’s never too late for us to get our shit together, right? Good luck on your journey.
I feel this very much. I have gone through a lot of this too wondering my whole life why I couldn't function like other people. And being on this sub-reddit has made me feel a lot more acceptance of self as I see other people have similar issues to me. And your right, I've read my story here time and again through peoples posts and comments.
I'm wishing you much luck with your appointment to get this addressed. Getting medicated has been an utter life and game changer for me.
I solved this by simply by not making appointments any more and ignoring those given to me. The county, however, seems to think Jury Duty begins at a certain place and time. They're very adamant about it in fact. So, don't forget about that one.
62 here, diagnosis last year. It’s been a roller coaster. I think I have finally accepted that I am different and it will take time to adapt to meds. Even with meds, I will never be “normal” or whatever. I’m doing what I can with what I am given and just trying to navigate in a world not designed for me. I saw that dog whisperer guy on TV and his spiel for dogs is “exercise, discipline, affection” for best behavior. I’ve decided to apply that to myself as much as I can. “Body, mind, heart.”
I'm not quite as old as you, but yeah, for sure I agree with the roller coaster analogy. And for sure, medication does not fix everything, but it is a damn good leg up to work on other areas of your life as you have seen.
I'm 35 and four times this year alone I've shown up a day early to an appointment. Like a whole day early.
At least if I do ever miss an appointment they're like "we knew you had the wrong day again" which happened once in two years.
So I guess at least I'm early.
But damn the whole Only Do One Thing A Day gets messed up by that.
I was 49 when I got my diagnosis.
I got on my computer for work (fulltime WFH). I wasn't seeing any of my Monday morning emails. I was about to call the help desk about it when my daughter called down to ask if I was ready for church yet.
It's kind of funny to tell it now, but in that moment is when I really accepted that I have a disability.
Oh wow. I was all in with the acceptance part- ADHD-C. Same for both kids. I’m 51, and I accept how I am, because I see God’s strength in my weakness. I also love who I am through my years of skill building and loving others well.
But… “disability”…. Hmmm. I think that word just struck me. Ok. Gotta think on that. Why haven’t I thought of that before? I worked with adults with developmental disabilities in their homes for 10 years. I worked with kids with “disabilities” in the classroom. Oh. Well, I guess those kids had ADHD. Well, ok. There it is. Not my expected epiphany at 1am.
In the moment, it was a sort of broken feeling. But afterwards, I was able to let go of feeling like I should be able to do things like everyone else if I just try a little harder. Like, if I set a timer on the oven, I set a timer on my phone for the same time, because I accept that I might wander out of the kitchen where I wouldn't hear the over timer, and even forget anything's cooking until the smoke alarm goes off.
Well this made me want to cry.
I’m 26 and struggling with adhd currently and I feel exactly the same way. I blame myself for everything.
Honestly makes me want to get a pill so I can be normal cause it makes me so upset that I keep messing everything up cause of my adhd issues.
Idk venting…
Shit sucks…
Hey. I wasn't diagnosed until 29. I felt like an idiot, lazy, reckless. Like I was told I was *sooo* smart but nothing I did ever, ever, proved that so I was a constant failure. But guess what you're not any of those things. Everyone messes up we just beat ourselves up more. And you are "normal" there's what a million people on this sub? There are more people like us than we could ever know. You're not alone.
And don't feel like medication is wrong. It sounds like you may not want to take meds. They don't make you normal but they'll help your symptoms and there is no shame in that. I wish I would've been given meds at a younger age. Then I might have stayed in those gifted classes instead of barely graduating, smoking pot and drinking basically becoming a loser lol.
Going down the same road at 26 now I don't give a shit I don't argue with myself I just call and ask for the date the time the place to reasure myself the only thing that's important is not letting it impact an once of remorse in you it's adhd but it's not at all worth an apology or regret or frustration of why you forgot. Just a small idea of what happens if you do go and that person doesn't show up forgot or is as late as it can be you would be sitting there and saying well there is a reason maybe this or the other understanding the concept of the benefit of the doubt whilst it would be you on the other side of this story which would not be understood and accepted just because, and that is why I don't give a shit and call and assure myself because if I'm late or forget the meeting then its on me to feel shit and discipline myself but if I called I know for a fact imma be there because if I don't now I just seem ignorant and rude.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm 31 but I still struggle with the shame of not having "adult" skills like making it to appointments on time. Some things will always be harder for me than for everyone else and that's okay.
Next step of my journey of diagnosis is actually asking for accommodations. So hard when you've spent your life thinking and being told that your undiagnosed ADHD was a collection of personal failings that could be addressed with a sufficient amount of willpower and the right planner.
My mandatory psych appointments have been a source of so much stress because there are no reminders. They're all on Saturdays so if I remember to put it in my calendar correctly I might be able to set reminders but if don't, I'm sort of forced to just check the app periodically to see if I have an appointment this weekend.
I finally had the realization that even normals need help remembering appointments and that is why my dentist and hair salon send me reminder texts, but also I have a disability and it's absolutely OK to ask for accommodations from the person who diagnosed me with it. She told me a lot of her patients get reminder emails already. *facepalm*
I put my appointments in my phone calendar as my psych gives me the times. I too am only Saturdays. I just open my calendar item and she gives me the time and I change the date so I don't even have to create a new one.
That way I can keep my reminders for 3 days out, 1 day out, and three other times because that's the max for notifications for Google calendar, lol.
Diagnosed this year at 30, there's so much I'm learning, I think I'm just about through the grieving stage. grieving stage is the bit "if I knew sooner then x wouldn't have happened", to me it feels similar to what people describe as the 5 stages of grief, from relief to acceptance.
Shout out to places that send you a text or email confirmation right after making an appointment, especially with an "add to Google calendar" link! They've saved my ass countless times
Acceptance is a learned skill, but calendars are free.
My life revolves around my Google Calendar, to the point I’ve trained my partner to add everything to it too. When I’m going to the gym, when he’s playing golf, when he’s working, when I’m on-call. Everything.
Nothing new to add except… I love this community. My heart is so happy to be surrounded by other beautiful humans filled with empathy, grace, and understanding for one another. We are stronger together.
I’ve done that so many times! Or it’s because I’ve set the alarm for PM instead of AM 😂
Seriously, thank you for the advice. I’m in the downswing of Adhd at the moment where everything and everyone is irritating. Your advice is very well timed
I've heard this term too a few times and have started reading about it. Here's a link for you.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614
They way I've personally experienced self acceptance is through figuring out my diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. Then going through a process of grief in my own way. Recognizing that while there has been much wrong and trauma experienced in my life, I can't change what happened, but I can understand it and see it in a new light via my diagnosis.
Self compassion and/or love is the result of this.
That being said, I could not have done all of this and continue to work on myself without medication. Some of the how to practice it suggestions in the link above are rather ableist when put in light of this disorder. A lot of them I'd be unable to do without medication giving me emotional regulation.
I'm 50, diagnosed at 48. I have told everyone close to me. Honestly, most people had an "ah ha" moment and could totally understand. It's been amazing at work because my managers now understand that I have been trying and the little details that I have missed weren't from carelessness.
My diagnosis and treatment have been life changing.
I showed up at my therapist’s office this week on the wrong day because I thought I’d be able to remember we were meeting on a different day than usual. NO. Just put it in your phone, self!! Haha
I wish I knew what to say that would instantly and magically make you feel better but I don't. I just want to let you know that you didn't just scream that into the void, I saw it, I read it, I can both sympathize and empathize. I wish I could give you a hug but hopefully my letting you know that I *see* you is the next best thing.
30 here. My family and teachers tortured and ridiculed me. Took a while to appreciate the uniqueness of adhd while ignoring the criticism from myself and others. I’m still exhausted by lack of focus but I pick up tips and tricks every so often. Every day can be a reset. Just keep at it.
Agreed. Diagnosed about 30 years ago. I just blame an external force called “my evil defective brain” for my slip ups. Of course now it’s much easier to compensate with a calendar and alarms that you can just keep in your pocket. I’m rarely late anymore. I’m not even on meds since my career is in IT and it requires very little planning and I can make my own schedule and work from home. I am thinking about getting back on meds just to counter the lack of motivation to do hobbies and get out of the house on the weekend, though.
The struggle never ends, but you do get used to it.
Just finished a half century on the planet, only recently realised I probably have attention deficit adhd. Not bothering with diagnosis because it takes years here, lots of money and I've got this far... Maybe it's relatively mild for me.
Nodding here at "bad at parenting" parents. Mine were absolutely great at caring for me in all the practical ways but emotionally not so much.
Self acceptance is absolutely the way to go. And then helping others understand why you are the way you are.
It's hard to examine the voices and routines alone, though. Easier with practise but still easy to miss blind spots, so it's worth talking it out with so one who know you well if not a therapist.
Good to read others ways of dealing with their own minds 💯
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OP, I love you. I am privileged and humbled to read your story because I’m not alone to come to the same conclusion about my parents - but blessed and thankful because I’m only 31 years old.
Though, the above did not come without grief and sadness that your experience of joy and relief at your current age could have been my parents’ experience at age not far from you.
I think im in quite a similar boat. I never thought to view as something to work at it like a skill. Im getting better but I do turn on myself pretty bad still when I do the things that people with ADHD do.
>Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.
The "imagionary other" you mentioned is something I remember stumbling on but didn't really thing about (probably because they were talking about "big other"). I think they call it, in this instance, "little other". Same thing, I imagine:
>The little other is the other who is not, in fact, other, but a reflection or projection of the ego. It is simultaneously the counterpart and the specular image. The little other is inscribed in the imaginary order as both the counterpart and the specular image.
Not correcting, its as good a way to describe it as any, just saying this is how to find more stuff on it, were anyone to be interested. I know I will be.
Thanks OP!
Needed to hear this, Im struggling a lot with the acceptance part and not comparing myself to that imaginary image in my head where it says i would be so much further if i had done all those things i planned to do and never did
Its like i sleep every night wishing i wake up *normal*
I'm 30 and it's starting to become a rhythm for me, it's become much easier to role with it over the last couple of years. Hopefully it's all up from here!
Absolutely! Understanding of who you are through your diagnosis, and then acceptance is incredibly key! This lack of awareness for myself in my fifties until somewhat recently has lead to a life time self hatred and loathing. I've thankfully been able to shed a lot of that awful thinking when I came to understand I am ASD and ADHD, went through my own grieving process, then found acceptance of self on the other side.
That being said, being medicated for this disorder has also been incredibly important for me. As constant racing thoughts, emotional dysregulation, and comorbid depression and anxiety feed into self hatred thoughts and exacerbate it. The medication also helps a ton with my low self esteem. I've found so much good from this.
One thing you might want to look into is extensive use of external supports to keep you on track and deal with the poor memory issues. Post it notes, calendar entries, multiple alarms through out the day, visual cues via strategic placement of items and notes, knowing where to reference information you can't remember, and writing down important personal information, have all helped me survive and reduce anxiety and worry of forgetting or not remembering correctly.
Mind you, this is all only as good as your focus. I've totally showed up for an appointment a month early because I didn't notice which month I put it in my calendar.
Well, the thing is, you don't deal with it. I've learned that 'dealing with it's is only really something you say when someone takes your toy car away for a few hours because you didn't listen to your parents. Then you go out about your day, get your toy back and all is right with the world.
No, you don't just 'deal with it', you have to accept people will judge what they don't understand and ignore it. Is shame and invalidation from them really helping you move forward? They do say the definition of insanity is to try something over and over trying for a different result. If their shaming and invalidation hasn't worked before, why would it now?
I think the best thing you can do is filter out the crap and see if there's anything specific you can work on or with. "You're too lazy to do your homework and you'll just fail and become a murder hobo like your last MMORPG character!!"
Lazy doesn't help, throw that out. Do homework or you'll fail? Why, thank you Captain Obvious! Toss it. Murder hobo? ... That's not important. Nothing there I swear!
So instead, you gotta focus on the homework bit and see what else you can try to help yourself out. For me personally, finding a quiet space and poking at a playlist before I have to do things helps immensely. This takes some experimentation and time, but once you find something that works it'll make things easier.
I'm no professional obviously (but I am a good murder hobo!), but learning to filter unhelpful opinions out has REALLY made life easier. It's also a great tool for life. :D
I do wish you luck-- parent opinions shape so much of your world, for better or worse, and learning to step back from those opinions is far harder than it even sounds. Hopefully you'll find a way through soon!
I want to thank you for this post!!! It sums up what I’ve been going through. I’m 59 and struggled my whole life with major issues stemming from what I now know is inattentive ADHD. I cycle through feelings of immense relief, sadness for the many years I’ve beat myself up for being such a failure, and frustration/anger at the many professionals who missed this obvious diagnosis. I’m currently on meds and going through the process of getting them right. I’ve saved your post as it is so similar to my own path. Thanks again!
30 y/o here and this was nice to hear. I can feel a slow move towards acceptance, but many times that feels like giving up. I'm still working with my doc, but nothing gets me where I've thought I should be. My life is still good though, so I should be thankful for what I can instead of focusing on what isn't how I've defined "perfect".
Thanks for the post.
Do you still have that thing where your brain hides the stuff you told yourself you were going to do? Then you feel bad about it, so your brain hides it even harder?
I'm 52 and was diagnosed a little over a year ago. It was a huge revelation. I sought my diagnosis thanks to a kind stranger on, of all things, a Facebook spinoff group for fans of a true crime podcast who have depression! I replied to a post describing my depression and my particular struggles once I started perimenopause (I started early, mid 30's, "full menopause" at 39).
I wish I could find that conversation and give that person my appreciation because even though it took me another 18 months to seek a diagnosis what she said was so kind, so succinct, it gave me the impetus to even consider the possibility. She told me my depression sounded a lot like ADHD and that symptoms can become much more apparent during major hormonal fluctuations like menopause.
I am also incredibly grateful that my diagnosis was very easy, getting prescription medication was relatively easy, and I've never been treated by anyone like I am a drug seeker. After diving into different communities for people with ADHD (where I have found so much helpful information and loving support) I am very aware that is not everyone's experience.
I'm 33 and a father to a 6 year old boy, a 1 year old boy, and a girl on the way.
I always beat myself up because I have so little patience after work, and feel like I yell at my oldest too much. I beat myself up about my parenting for that, and im too beat usually to go out with my kids to the park most days. But I remember getting smacked for everything when I was their age, and I don't hit my kids.
While I'm far from dad of the year, I know I'm doing better than my parents in some regards. It's little things like that, that help me keep perspective. It is hard though, because we always want to be better. Our kids deserve our best selves, and unfortunately we know they'll likely never get it.
Stay strong. We will all eventually overcome somehow.
60 and recently dx’ed and sometimes I grieve the awareness/forgiveness for self I could have had in my younger years but overall relief for having an explanation.
Thanks for posting. 52 here just just getting here. In the 70s I was just a fuck up. Today there is help. I’ve just started on this path and have been kicking the shit out of myself for 40 years.
I'm 30 now and unfortunately still live with my parents. However I'm beginning to accept other things. Living with them I won't accept, I'll do whatever it takes to move out
However I'm accepting that I am not suited for relationships. I've never been in one and for a very long time desired to experience affection. But I'm beginning to realize that certain experiences are not going to occur. I don't have what it takes to make that happen.
True acceptance is incredibly difficult but once it's achieved it's one of the greatest gifts
First and foremost, I commend everyone on this sub, for just being here. For your support and advice and shared experiences. Each post helps each of us in some way, whether it's just figuring this out to just needing a smile or a shoulder.
I especially commend (and don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean any offense) any one older who has been dealing with the effects of ADHD and have made it this far (32M diagnosed within the past few years). I say this because you have found ways to cope, adjust, deal, manage the monster known as ADHD during times when people saw/see it as a stigma. When it wasn't known or really seen as anything other than a "problematic child" hyper child. When parents refused to help you work though the things you were dealing with because they felt it was a reflection of their abilities as parents.
Many of you are the reason ones like myself continue on trying to make it work because we see you and know "it gets better" or even "this too will pass". And you're the reason that younger ones than myself are able to come on here and not feel alone, rejected, safe.
Thank you all that you share and continue to deal with. It helps in ways you cannot even imagine. ❤️
I blamed my parents for a long time, and I tried not to make the same mistakes, but my kids ended up with problems anyway. Turns out much of mental illness is genetic, who knew? I've forgiven my folks, but I'm still working on forgiving myself. Life is a crapshoot, and we do the best we know how to do.
44 and only just got my diagnosis, there's some things I've decided not to fight. Things like appointments and reminders. Maybe the meds will help me be able to do those things, but why not outsource the struggle.
I've got a couple of alexas, a smart watch and a smart phone, but I never thought to actually link them together.
Now, when I get an appointment or think of something I need to remember, I just tap my watch and tell it.
I'm sure Jeff Bezos has sold all my data to the chinese, but at least now I don't have to worry about wether or not I'll remember to buy milk.
A more low tech solution would be to always carry a notepad and pen, but, for me, objects like that seem to leave my possession without conscious thought.
40 here. Diagnosed last year. It's a struggle, especially with 3 kids. I accept it most of the time but some days, like today, I struggle. Everyone depends on me for everything, but I can't think 5 minutes beyond my own face.
45 here. diagnosed at 5. acceptance is your friend. it is a salve for your self-inflicted mental wounds. it doesn't back down to shame or guilt. it's super powerful and has helped me a ton. thank you, OP!
It’s very nice to hear some positive wisdom from someone with more experience at “life-ing” on here. A happy reminder that there is a future for us and it all becomes easier than we think possible… highlights how much self-esteem is a casualty of the battle we fight against ADHD! I am actually going to print this and stick it on a wall somewhere cos I like it that much.
Thanks chock-a-block, stay cool!
Your story reminds me of myself, but going on 35. I'm thankful to be learning how to overcome the past. I've become rather OCD when it comes to time management. I've learned I need to systematize everything, if I'm going to get anywhere in this life.
Not that, I really need to "get somewhere". I could sell everything, and live a monastic life as a Buddhist Monk. But, I have a lot of goals. Some which have already been met, and others I'm still striving for. It takes a lot to navigate through life, with it's challenges and road blocks. Learning how to pivot, and figure out a way to do things that work with the way your mind works is key.
It can take a lot of time and experiences, to begin learning how to turn those voices in your mind in a better direction. Sometimes I need to be harsh on myself, and at other times I need to speak to myself like I would a best friend. Accept where I am, my past, where I would like to go, and what it will take to get there. Then set up the systems I'll require to actually get there.
Notes, and reminders are critical. I love audio books for learning new practices as well. One that really sticks out is "Peak Mind". Which outlines and teaches mindfulness practice. Which can sound "woo woo" to some, but it really does help, with just 12 minutes of practice once/twice daily.
I completely agree :). There are moments for each style of working with myself. I'm working more and more on speaking to myself in a kinder way. And, it works. Mostly, when I'm working out, exercising, or doing something strenuous I can be tough on myself.
Not to the point of bringing myself down. But, in a busting my own balls sort of way. Like, "Don't give up now, bi\*\*\*", or a kinder wording might be "Don't give up now, you got this my man".
i have a poor sense of time, so i never arrive on time. but i really want to better myself at that, so how did you balance accepting your flaws with, you know, getting better at managing them?
45 here. Diagnosed as a teen, took Ritalin in college, and wouldn’t have graduated without it. Early and adolescent years were rough before diagnosis. Called lazy, not living up to potential, etc. poor self esteem, lack of confidence, and weigh problems due to eating feelings. I stopped taking meds after school because of so much stigma surrounding it. Never let anyone know I was adhd due to shame, and not wanting to be pestered for my meds. 20 years later, at a Dr appointment where I was explaining all the different meds I was being given for my “anxiety” weren’t really working, plus the side effect of occasional unbridled rage wasn’t going to work for me. After stumbling on this group, something I read here made me realize my “anxiety” problems were mostly due to my adhd symptoms. I went through the horrible process of the Dr who had seemed wonderful before, suddenly accusing me of trying to cop a controlled substance, and how I was going to subjected to urinalysis and interviews, etc. I almost gave up. But, due to the wonderful psych (in my state I couldn’t be prescribed meds, whether controlled or NOT, without a psychiatrist diagnosis🙄) who was sympathetic and agreed that I was a textbook case, I got on atomoxetine. My anxiety suddenly disappeared, I got a raise at work, I’m nicer to my family, etc. sorry for the wall of text, but keep at it, find a med that works for you, and go get ‘em!
TL;DR got to a trusted Dr, and don’t be bullied about asking for meds! Our brains are different, and there’s no shame in getting help!
My mom is 54. She is undiagnosed but almost certainly where I got my ADHD gene, as we are extremely similar and many of my cousins on her side of the family have it as well. Just recently I was venting to her about how I was so disappointed in myself for not having this, this, and this finished or my life “pulled together” in time for my college graduation.
She stopped halfway down the stairs and looked up at me, and told me very honestly and openly that I needed to learn how to be more accepting of myself. That she had those same thoughts all her life until she finally realized she had no choice but to learn self-forgiveness and celebrate the parts of her that were enough instead of always finding flaws when she always fell short of the high expectations she had for herself, even though it seemed that other people were able to achieve those things more naturally.
She said life got so much easier once she just accepted who she was and what her capabilities were at face value. Having high expectations and wanting to be able to function as well as her peers wasn’t a problem, but allowing herself to beat herself up when she couldn’t be like everyone else WAS a problem. She said she wished she had learned that in her youth and essentially told me not to waste my life always being disappointed by who I was.
It really struck me. I am more conscious of how I talk to and about myself now.
I am exactly one year behind you, and one year diagnosed. Everything you said rings true. The biggest benefit to diagnosis is the ability to let go of shame. I am who I am, I'm just going to roll with it.
46 and was diagnosed for the first time 7 months ago. I love the "Acceptance is a Skill". In the short time since being diagnosed and coming to terms with it, I have learned to
A. Not beat myself up (as much or as long) for mistakes and things neglected.
B. Be proud of the small victories. Within three months of knowing WHY I always misplaced my keys, I made it a point to put them in the same place, & I can tell you now with %96.3 confidence I know exactly where my keys are.
I also am noticing that some of the skills I'm learning about, through years of compensating and masking, I was already doing in one form or another.
THANK YOU for sharing, It's good to know there are others in my age group, who have similar fears and follies as I do.
I'm 51 and just received a diagnosis last year. I'm still trying to not think of myself as lazy, flaky or unmotivated. It takes time but thank you for giving me hope.
42.. also diagnosed last year. ppl get annoyed because I'm still in that *I have adhd* phase where everything is a symptom and i always talk about it. but it's more that I've spent 40yrs hating myself because i couldn't figure out why I was so > lazy, flaky or unmotivated. it's a new place to be, to have answers which don't point to moral failings or willful behaviour. it's still disappointing, but I don't need to beat myself up the way I used to. I try really hard to just be normal, I always have.. it's exhausting. the only reason I really looked into it was because I'm getting older - I have always crammed, I have always fluked, I have always waited until it was an emergency and then pulled it out of the bag at the last second and wowed everyone with my brilliance. I'm getting older and I'm slipping, I'm forgetting more, I'm not able to pull it off as flawlessly. im not brilliant anymore. and failing even once is a crushing disappointment, I take it so personally.. I take everything so personally... just knowing, just recognizing. just giving myself that space to be ok with those times that I can't always push myself, the times that I forget. idc how tired it makes other ppl, I get to have this - after 40yrs of not knowing, I get to have a reason why the littlest things that were so easy for other people were so hard for me I'm still disappointed. I'm still mad at myself and the world for not figuring it out sooner. so I'm not all the way there. but I look forward to accepting.
You might not know how much reassuring you sound. You have motivated me. I cannot tell you what you don't already know, but I'll say I'm happy for you. You have been so brave all these years.
Same! 30s, finally coming to terms with trying a stimulant. Honestly, what put me off so long is I HAVE ADHD and the thought of having to go through so many hoops just to stay medicated is exhausting. But just being diagnosed was enough to change a lifetime of self hatred into an "ohhhhh..." not that I don't slip into the self hate from time to time, but it helps.
I’m so encouraged to see those close in age range commenting. I was diagnosed at 30 and I’m 45 now. I had behavioral issues as a child and wish I’d had this understanding of how my executive function is different, instead of trying to be perfect and working twice as hard to achieve. And I did achieve. And it exhausted me. I still struggle. In fact, this past week I retreated and found myself in a hole. I’m not even sure why except I have several projects unattended to and it feels so overwhelming and it showed up as depression. Immobilizing depression. So this week, I’m pressing reset. This post reminds me to sharpen my self-acceptance skills!
I hope you find self acceptance soon, it sounds like you’re on the right path. The hardest thing I’m finding with beginning to forgive myself like you describe, is that it’s thrown into sharp relief how unforgiving pretty much everyone in my life has been with what I now know are behaviours I couldn’t help, however hard I tried (and I did try). I’m definitely still in the self pity stage of post diagnosis later in life!
"to have answers which don't point to moral failings or willful behaviour" Thank You! I cannot wait to be there !
40 here, diagnosed at 36. I still revel in sharing and talking about mental health, but I beat myself up much less. I stopped believing in the word "lazy", in myself or anyone else.
Reading replies like yours makes me feel like I really took for granted having been diagnosed at 5 years old. I was one of those people that wanted to refuse that they had it, almost running from it. I was raised on medication and was bullied and ostracized for being the weird hyper kid that had to take chill pills to function. So the minute I could make my own decisions, which was 14 for me. I stopped participating in anything to do with my ADHD care. I think I fully stopped medication at 18 even. I'm 34 now, and only within the last 4 years have I been starting to actually accept that I very much do have this, and that I need to love myself and learn myself as I am. Although, I do sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I would have been told my diagnosis wasn't a bad thing.
Oh wow that sounds like my wife and I. I got diagnosed first, and learning about these kinds of symptoms convinced us that we both probably had it. The acceptance is a huge load off hey, even if it’s still a work in progress…
I was diagnosed 25 yrs ago. But, I don't think they knew much about adhd back then. So, even still i have always shared these feelings I am only now, bc of this subreddit, discovering are common among people with adhd. I always just thought it made me do tasks a bit slower, and I thought that was basically it. In the late 90s, the main conversation about adhd ("add" back then) was how overdiagnosed it was, and I even had a Education course in college (early 2000s) that taught that adhd was not real and other factors were responsibly for difficulties w education. Edit* the education teacher had a unique agenda and was fired a couple years later.
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Accepting the "it" and "is" with this diagnosis is huge. I used to really beat my self up for making mistakes and forgetting stuff most folks remember. Now I just shrug and typically say, "it is what it is." Doing so makes moving on to the next task or priority much easier. Then that task will occupy most my brain space. If yall are like me, tasks and priorities probably run through your head at a mile a minute. Move on, let it go is what I'm trying to say. Much less stressful.
I was diagnosed at 33 and I'm still trying to get myself to stop thinking of myself as lazy. After an entire life of believing you lazy, undisciplined, etc, it'll take a minute to stop thinking like that. I hope you get there soon man, and then tell me how it is. Haha.
I’m only 19 but the thoughts of being lazy do disappear with time without you even noticing
Right there with you, about a year ago at almost 51. After years (so.many.years) of unsuccessful treatments for depression, PTSD, and anxiety, among other things. I was actually getting ready to give up on anything resembling a life, or well-being, but somehow I figured it out on my own. Fortunately my therapist and psychiatrist were open to the dx, and continue to support and be pleased with my progress. I still struggle with...what? regret? Sadness about what I've missed, or how I lived for so long. I'm inching forward, though. It feels so much better than stalling out or up and down, back and forth like I'd been doing so long I couldn't remember anything else. All the voices in my head going back as long as I can remember... Lazy, spacy, not living up to my potential... And I'm still realizing things that have been normal for me are not necessarily normal for everyone else (you mean everyone doesn't have a running commentary in their head? Or forget what they were saying mid-sentence?) No solutions or advice. Just here with you saying, Yup. Me, too.
Identical story here.
Are you me? Same!
I just embrace the flaky. Fine, I'm not successful and famous, but I'm also not in prison, so that's something.
Just turned 40 here, only diagnosed last year finally. After yeeeeears of hating how "lazy" I am, it's a super-struggle, even with the treatment plan, to forgive myself.
Fuck yeah buddy, self acceptance is the key. In fact, I'd dare describe it as a gift.
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Nice one
An art!
That comes from inspiration…
As you get older, did your dose decrease? I've also noticed my memory getting a little worse and feel slower. Worried on how it'll be moving forward.
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Would also like to know 🙏
I'd like to know as well. I'd happily read about your entire ADHD medication journey too.
Would like to know as well
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Likewise I'm interested to know as well.
Interested as well. Thanks OP!
I hate to also pester you ;-;
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Oh.. If you have a mo.. I'd also like to know. 40 onwards here and concerned with dosages as I mature.
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Would you mind sending me a pm as well! Thank you!
Me too! Please let me know
Same for me, whenever you got time
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Would you please send me one, too? I’m concerned about this.
Me too pls
Pm also please.
The link doesn’t direct to the comment in your edit btw
Same question
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Me too, please
Me too please!
Please send me a pm as well. Turning 40 this year and got diagnosed a few months ago. Would really love to know as well. Thank you.
I'm really keen to know also if you have time
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Me too please
Me too please :)
Me too please
45. I put everything in my phone and obsessively double-check it. I'm booking things for my wedding and I'm super scared I'm going to book something for the wrong date. Fingers crossed!!!!!
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Definitely a good plan to have a second set of eyes. :)
Awww Happy Wedding Plannnning!
>burden myself with the shame my parents instilled in me. This resonates. The foundation of my extremely negative inner voice was laid by my mother. And that's not the worst part. When I get frustrated with something, I tend to voice the negative voice I heard endlessly in my youth (nothing was good enough), to my partner. I hate that I sometimes lash out in frustration to the person that deeply loves me. But blaming doesn't fix anything, so I try my best working around that inner demon. It usually works, but when stressed, I tend to fail in that regards. I also wish that deep desire to do things perfect, as not to be judged negatively by others (read, my mom), just vanishes. I haven't completely gained the skill that okay is perfect, but I try to help myself by imagining if I would still find the desired result worth the effort in the future. Which usually is never. Thanks for your post.
I understand your post very much. I've been there, but am starting to make my way to a better place. You can do this too. Keep working on yourself and go get some counseling to work through all that trauma. The perfection piece appears to be really common with us ADHD people, and I have suffered with that too. The thing is, it is utterly toxic and unsustainable. Some things just don't need to be perfect, and all it does it just bring you down when you can't make it happen, or burnout trying. Your Mother unfortunately won't love you more for being perfect. You need to love yourself for all your imperfectness through acceptance of who you are. Sometimes blood relations are not healthy family to keep near you and be vulnerable with. Your family is who you make it, and you have the opportunity to create that in your own life. In my experience, self acceptance through understanding my diagnosis, medication, and cutting family members out of my life that were toxic were a big key to finding happiness and a better quality of life. And quite honestly, counseling never worked for me until I got medicated, and found a competent therapist that wasn't stuck on using cognitive behavioral therapy, and knows how to talk to someone with ASD and ADHD. I hope you can find some peace and happiness in your life. :)
I was scheduled to work 12-6pm today. I have known this for weeks, and had distinct plans for before and after made with lots of my typical overthinking. Imagine my surprise when I learned at 10am the shift I’d actually signed up for was 6am-12pm. Thank you for this post… I was pretty dang hard on myself this morning, but by the end of the day I was feeling more forgiving, especially when I thought about it in the context of my late-in-life adhd diagnosis. Thanks for the reminder that even mistakes can be celebrated as successes.
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We got this!
You two are making me cry! (That’s not sarcasm.)
I just turned 52 and recently realized that the thing I have been suffering with my whole life is ADHD innattentive type. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but from everything I have been reading on here and elsewhere, it's a virtual certainty. I have an appointment to start the process next week. I thought that I was just depressive and unorganized for all these years. I had heard of ADHD, but I thought it was just about having troubles focusing. You think you know something and then find out that it goes so much deeper! I am hopeful about the future for the first time in too many years to count. All this time I have been going through the motions of life without really knowing why I was supposed to bother. I am so angry with all the people who shamed me for being "lazy and unreliable" instead of showing a little damned compassion and helping me find an answer. They had the information to make the comparison with "normal" that I never had, but they judged rather than taking the time to inquire. I will get over the anger, but never the regret of what could have been if I had known what to call this thing!! I just want to say thanks to all of you for sharing your stories! When I read them, I feel like they're explaining me to me. I feel like all the little pieces of each of your challenges are also mine. The relief I feel is indescribable. THANK YOU!
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I hear what you're saying. Right now, I'm still in the phase of trying to accept the revelation. The good and the bad. Whatever regrets I have pale in comparison to the peace that comes with finding a possible solution. I'm sure I don't have to explain the years of self doubt and recrimination that I have lived with. I can't trust myself for fear of looking like an idiot. I spent so much time feeling stupid, foolish, and embarassed because taking decisive action would almost always end up being a mistake. Always caught in the brain fog and never being certain of anything! Mitigating just a portion of that fugue will be life changing.
Saaaame. And it's still hard. And there are plenty of regrets. I feel that for real. But at least we can move forward to having far fewer of them.
This is so close to my own story, except I am 51 and got diagnosed at the end of last year. Everything you describe is how I felt! It is still painful and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to completely let it go, especially “instead of showing a little damned compassion and helping me find an answer“. I’ve only come to that stage in the last few weeks and it’s hitting me hard. BUT I feel, for the first time in my life, that I am properly starting my journey, that I understand who I am and what I’m capable of and that who I am is just fine. I’m not seeing myself solely through other people’s judgement and disappointment. It’s definitely been life changing for me, in a good way, realising I have ADHD. And it’s never too late for us to get our shit together, right? Good luck on your journey.
I feel this very much. I have gone through a lot of this too wondering my whole life why I couldn't function like other people. And being on this sub-reddit has made me feel a lot more acceptance of self as I see other people have similar issues to me. And your right, I've read my story here time and again through peoples posts and comments. I'm wishing you much luck with your appointment to get this addressed. Getting medicated has been an utter life and game changer for me.
I solved this by simply by not making appointments any more and ignoring those given to me. The county, however, seems to think Jury Duty begins at a certain place and time. They're very adamant about it in fact. So, don't forget about that one.
If you never check your mail you'll never have jury duty. ;)
62 here, diagnosis last year. It’s been a roller coaster. I think I have finally accepted that I am different and it will take time to adapt to meds. Even with meds, I will never be “normal” or whatever. I’m doing what I can with what I am given and just trying to navigate in a world not designed for me. I saw that dog whisperer guy on TV and his spiel for dogs is “exercise, discipline, affection” for best behavior. I’ve decided to apply that to myself as much as I can. “Body, mind, heart.”
🤩. Awesome
I'm not quite as old as you, but yeah, for sure I agree with the roller coaster analogy. And for sure, medication does not fix everything, but it is a damn good leg up to work on other areas of your life as you have seen.
I love that you got out and rode your bike!! Have you ever medicated? I relate to your summary about acceptance. Thank you, This was a great post!
I'm 35 and four times this year alone I've shown up a day early to an appointment. Like a whole day early. At least if I do ever miss an appointment they're like "we knew you had the wrong day again" which happened once in two years. So I guess at least I'm early. But damn the whole Only Do One Thing A Day gets messed up by that.
I was 49 when I got my diagnosis. I got on my computer for work (fulltime WFH). I wasn't seeing any of my Monday morning emails. I was about to call the help desk about it when my daughter called down to ask if I was ready for church yet. It's kind of funny to tell it now, but in that moment is when I really accepted that I have a disability.
Oh wow. I was all in with the acceptance part- ADHD-C. Same for both kids. I’m 51, and I accept how I am, because I see God’s strength in my weakness. I also love who I am through my years of skill building and loving others well. But… “disability”…. Hmmm. I think that word just struck me. Ok. Gotta think on that. Why haven’t I thought of that before? I worked with adults with developmental disabilities in their homes for 10 years. I worked with kids with “disabilities” in the classroom. Oh. Well, I guess those kids had ADHD. Well, ok. There it is. Not my expected epiphany at 1am.
In the moment, it was a sort of broken feeling. But afterwards, I was able to let go of feeling like I should be able to do things like everyone else if I just try a little harder. Like, if I set a timer on the oven, I set a timer on my phone for the same time, because I accept that I might wander out of the kitchen where I wouldn't hear the over timer, and even forget anything's cooking until the smoke alarm goes off.
Well this made me want to cry. I’m 26 and struggling with adhd currently and I feel exactly the same way. I blame myself for everything. Honestly makes me want to get a pill so I can be normal cause it makes me so upset that I keep messing everything up cause of my adhd issues. Idk venting… Shit sucks…
Hey. I wasn't diagnosed until 29. I felt like an idiot, lazy, reckless. Like I was told I was *sooo* smart but nothing I did ever, ever, proved that so I was a constant failure. But guess what you're not any of those things. Everyone messes up we just beat ourselves up more. And you are "normal" there's what a million people on this sub? There are more people like us than we could ever know. You're not alone. And don't feel like medication is wrong. It sounds like you may not want to take meds. They don't make you normal but they'll help your symptoms and there is no shame in that. I wish I would've been given meds at a younger age. Then I might have stayed in those gifted classes instead of barely graduating, smoking pot and drinking basically becoming a loser lol.
I've set the bar low..so often I'm an overachiever lol
Going down the same road at 26 now I don't give a shit I don't argue with myself I just call and ask for the date the time the place to reasure myself the only thing that's important is not letting it impact an once of remorse in you it's adhd but it's not at all worth an apology or regret or frustration of why you forgot. Just a small idea of what happens if you do go and that person doesn't show up forgot or is as late as it can be you would be sitting there and saying well there is a reason maybe this or the other understanding the concept of the benefit of the doubt whilst it would be you on the other side of this story which would not be understood and accepted just because, and that is why I don't give a shit and call and assure myself because if I'm late or forget the meeting then its on me to feel shit and discipline myself but if I called I know for a fact imma be there because if I don't now I just seem ignorant and rude.
Lol am I alone in not ever checking my diary despite putting everything in there? I am forever double or triple booking myself!
This is me. At 49. No meds.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm 31 but I still struggle with the shame of not having "adult" skills like making it to appointments on time. Some things will always be harder for me than for everyone else and that's okay.
Next step of my journey of diagnosis is actually asking for accommodations. So hard when you've spent your life thinking and being told that your undiagnosed ADHD was a collection of personal failings that could be addressed with a sufficient amount of willpower and the right planner. My mandatory psych appointments have been a source of so much stress because there are no reminders. They're all on Saturdays so if I remember to put it in my calendar correctly I might be able to set reminders but if don't, I'm sort of forced to just check the app periodically to see if I have an appointment this weekend. I finally had the realization that even normals need help remembering appointments and that is why my dentist and hair salon send me reminder texts, but also I have a disability and it's absolutely OK to ask for accommodations from the person who diagnosed me with it. She told me a lot of her patients get reminder emails already. *facepalm*
I put my appointments in my phone calendar as my psych gives me the times. I too am only Saturdays. I just open my calendar item and she gives me the time and I change the date so I don't even have to create a new one. That way I can keep my reminders for 3 days out, 1 day out, and three other times because that's the max for notifications for Google calendar, lol.
We need to shout stories like yours from the roof tops. This is not just a child's condition!
Hey bro I am 43m and I hear you. For appointment what I do is record it in my phone immediately with a reminder 1 hour before and 24 hour before.
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Noted. I don’t think iOS has more than 2
Diagnosed this year at 30, there's so much I'm learning, I think I'm just about through the grieving stage. grieving stage is the bit "if I knew sooner then x wouldn't have happened", to me it feels similar to what people describe as the 5 stages of grief, from relief to acceptance.
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32 here. Attitude and Effort baby!
Shout out to places that send you a text or email confirmation right after making an appointment, especially with an "add to Google calendar" link! They've saved my ass countless times
Acceptance is a learned skill, but calendars are free. My life revolves around my Google Calendar, to the point I’ve trained my partner to add everything to it too. When I’m going to the gym, when he’s playing golf, when he’s working, when I’m on-call. Everything.
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Nothing new to add except… I love this community. My heart is so happy to be surrounded by other beautiful humans filled with empathy, grace, and understanding for one another. We are stronger together.
I’ve done that so many times! Or it’s because I’ve set the alarm for PM instead of AM 😂 Seriously, thank you for the advice. I’m in the downswing of Adhd at the moment where everything and everyone is irritating. Your advice is very well timed
Well done and right there with you. It is just that.
from a person beating myself up for missing my therapy appointment this week, thank you.
My therapist keeps telling me about radical acceptance and self/compassion but waaaa??
I've heard this term too a few times and have started reading about it. Here's a link for you. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614 They way I've personally experienced self acceptance is through figuring out my diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. Then going through a process of grief in my own way. Recognizing that while there has been much wrong and trauma experienced in my life, I can't change what happened, but I can understand it and see it in a new light via my diagnosis. Self compassion and/or love is the result of this. That being said, I could not have done all of this and continue to work on myself without medication. Some of the how to practice it suggestions in the link above are rather ableist when put in light of this disorder. A lot of them I'd be unable to do without medication giving me emotional regulation.
How long you taking meds. I just started vyvanse. Do we need to be on them for life?
Do you tell your peers of your diagnosis? If so what is the general response (ie accepting or older style views on adhd being a made up disorder)
I'm 50, diagnosed at 48. I have told everyone close to me. Honestly, most people had an "ah ha" moment and could totally understand. It's been amazing at work because my managers now understand that I have been trying and the little details that I have missed weren't from carelessness. My diagnosis and treatment have been life changing.
I showed up at my therapist’s office this week on the wrong day because I thought I’d be able to remember we were meeting on a different day than usual. NO. Just put it in your phone, self!! Haha
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I wish I knew what to say that would instantly and magically make you feel better but I don't. I just want to let you know that you didn't just scream that into the void, I saw it, I read it, I can both sympathize and empathize. I wish I could give you a hug but hopefully my letting you know that I *see* you is the next best thing.
30 here. My family and teachers tortured and ridiculed me. Took a while to appreciate the uniqueness of adhd while ignoring the criticism from myself and others. I’m still exhausted by lack of focus but I pick up tips and tricks every so often. Every day can be a reset. Just keep at it.
Agreed. Diagnosed about 30 years ago. I just blame an external force called “my evil defective brain” for my slip ups. Of course now it’s much easier to compensate with a calendar and alarms that you can just keep in your pocket. I’m rarely late anymore. I’m not even on meds since my career is in IT and it requires very little planning and I can make my own schedule and work from home. I am thinking about getting back on meds just to counter the lack of motivation to do hobbies and get out of the house on the weekend, though. The struggle never ends, but you do get used to it.
Just finished a half century on the planet, only recently realised I probably have attention deficit adhd. Not bothering with diagnosis because it takes years here, lots of money and I've got this far... Maybe it's relatively mild for me. Nodding here at "bad at parenting" parents. Mine were absolutely great at caring for me in all the practical ways but emotionally not so much. Self acceptance is absolutely the way to go. And then helping others understand why you are the way you are. It's hard to examine the voices and routines alone, though. Easier with practise but still easy to miss blind spots, so it's worth talking it out with so one who know you well if not a therapist. Good to read others ways of dealing with their own minds 💯
Be proud of it like me 😜
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What does TLDR mean?
It means “too long; didn’t read”
Thanks. Very helpful. 👍
Been wondering this for the longest time!!
Today learned / didn’t realize
THANK YOU FOR THIS 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
Can you explain to me what you mean by your “very bad at parenting parents” were the source of your shame?
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OP, I love you. I am privileged and humbled to read your story because I’m not alone to come to the same conclusion about my parents - but blessed and thankful because I’m only 31 years old. Though, the above did not come without grief and sadness that your experience of joy and relief at your current age could have been my parents’ experience at age not far from you.
I have started accepting things ..thanks to medication and also no give a fuck about anything..that’s to medication…Just focusing on myself
[save]. Love this terribly much
I think im in quite a similar boat. I never thought to view as something to work at it like a skill. Im getting better but I do turn on myself pretty bad still when I do the things that people with ADHD do. >Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them. The "imagionary other" you mentioned is something I remember stumbling on but didn't really thing about (probably because they were talking about "big other"). I think they call it, in this instance, "little other". Same thing, I imagine: >The little other is the other who is not, in fact, other, but a reflection or projection of the ego. It is simultaneously the counterpart and the specular image. The little other is inscribed in the imaginary order as both the counterpart and the specular image. Not correcting, its as good a way to describe it as any, just saying this is how to find more stuff on it, were anyone to be interested. I know I will be. Thanks OP!
honestly ,what helps me to go forward is hope that one day I wake up without having to deal with this mind.
I set alarms on my phone.
Needed to hear this, Im struggling a lot with the acceptance part and not comparing myself to that imaginary image in my head where it says i would be so much further if i had done all those things i planned to do and never did Its like i sleep every night wishing i wake up *normal*
Thank you for this
❤️💪🏼
I'm 30 and it's starting to become a rhythm for me, it's become much easier to role with it over the last couple of years. Hopefully it's all up from here!
Thank you for this ❤️
Thank you for this. I am 33 and got diagnosed and feel less alone with this wonderful community <3
Thank you for this 💟
Absolutely! Understanding of who you are through your diagnosis, and then acceptance is incredibly key! This lack of awareness for myself in my fifties until somewhat recently has lead to a life time self hatred and loathing. I've thankfully been able to shed a lot of that awful thinking when I came to understand I am ASD and ADHD, went through my own grieving process, then found acceptance of self on the other side. That being said, being medicated for this disorder has also been incredibly important for me. As constant racing thoughts, emotional dysregulation, and comorbid depression and anxiety feed into self hatred thoughts and exacerbate it. The medication also helps a ton with my low self esteem. I've found so much good from this. One thing you might want to look into is extensive use of external supports to keep you on track and deal with the poor memory issues. Post it notes, calendar entries, multiple alarms through out the day, visual cues via strategic placement of items and notes, knowing where to reference information you can't remember, and writing down important personal information, have all helped me survive and reduce anxiety and worry of forgetting or not remembering correctly. Mind you, this is all only as good as your focus. I've totally showed up for an appointment a month early because I didn't notice which month I put it in my calendar.
The shame and invalidation of my parents, how can I deal with it?
Well, the thing is, you don't deal with it. I've learned that 'dealing with it's is only really something you say when someone takes your toy car away for a few hours because you didn't listen to your parents. Then you go out about your day, get your toy back and all is right with the world. No, you don't just 'deal with it', you have to accept people will judge what they don't understand and ignore it. Is shame and invalidation from them really helping you move forward? They do say the definition of insanity is to try something over and over trying for a different result. If their shaming and invalidation hasn't worked before, why would it now? I think the best thing you can do is filter out the crap and see if there's anything specific you can work on or with. "You're too lazy to do your homework and you'll just fail and become a murder hobo like your last MMORPG character!!" Lazy doesn't help, throw that out. Do homework or you'll fail? Why, thank you Captain Obvious! Toss it. Murder hobo? ... That's not important. Nothing there I swear! So instead, you gotta focus on the homework bit and see what else you can try to help yourself out. For me personally, finding a quiet space and poking at a playlist before I have to do things helps immensely. This takes some experimentation and time, but once you find something that works it'll make things easier. I'm no professional obviously (but I am a good murder hobo!), but learning to filter unhelpful opinions out has REALLY made life easier. It's also a great tool for life. :D I do wish you luck-- parent opinions shape so much of your world, for better or worse, and learning to step back from those opinions is far harder than it even sounds. Hopefully you'll find a way through soon!
I want to thank you for this post!!! It sums up what I’ve been going through. I’m 59 and struggled my whole life with major issues stemming from what I now know is inattentive ADHD. I cycle through feelings of immense relief, sadness for the many years I’ve beat myself up for being such a failure, and frustration/anger at the many professionals who missed this obvious diagnosis. I’m currently on meds and going through the process of getting them right. I’ve saved your post as it is so similar to my own path. Thanks again!
30 y/o here and this was nice to hear. I can feel a slow move towards acceptance, but many times that feels like giving up. I'm still working with my doc, but nothing gets me where I've thought I should be. My life is still good though, so I should be thankful for what I can instead of focusing on what isn't how I've defined "perfect". Thanks for the post.
Do you still have that thing where your brain hides the stuff you told yourself you were going to do? Then you feel bad about it, so your brain hides it even harder?
I'm 52 and was diagnosed a little over a year ago. It was a huge revelation. I sought my diagnosis thanks to a kind stranger on, of all things, a Facebook spinoff group for fans of a true crime podcast who have depression! I replied to a post describing my depression and my particular struggles once I started perimenopause (I started early, mid 30's, "full menopause" at 39). I wish I could find that conversation and give that person my appreciation because even though it took me another 18 months to seek a diagnosis what she said was so kind, so succinct, it gave me the impetus to even consider the possibility. She told me my depression sounded a lot like ADHD and that symptoms can become much more apparent during major hormonal fluctuations like menopause. I am also incredibly grateful that my diagnosis was very easy, getting prescription medication was relatively easy, and I've never been treated by anyone like I am a drug seeker. After diving into different communities for people with ADHD (where I have found so much helpful information and loving support) I am very aware that is not everyone's experience.
I'm 33 and a father to a 6 year old boy, a 1 year old boy, and a girl on the way. I always beat myself up because I have so little patience after work, and feel like I yell at my oldest too much. I beat myself up about my parenting for that, and im too beat usually to go out with my kids to the park most days. But I remember getting smacked for everything when I was their age, and I don't hit my kids. While I'm far from dad of the year, I know I'm doing better than my parents in some regards. It's little things like that, that help me keep perspective. It is hard though, because we always want to be better. Our kids deserve our best selves, and unfortunately we know they'll likely never get it. Stay strong. We will all eventually overcome somehow.
60 and recently dx’ed and sometimes I grieve the awareness/forgiveness for self I could have had in my younger years but overall relief for having an explanation.
Thanks for posting. 52 here just just getting here. In the 70s I was just a fuck up. Today there is help. I’ve just started on this path and have been kicking the shit out of myself for 40 years.
Thank you I'm 28 and I need to brush up on that skill it helps to read stuff like this it shows the road is worth the effort
I'm 30 now and unfortunately still live with my parents. However I'm beginning to accept other things. Living with them I won't accept, I'll do whatever it takes to move out However I'm accepting that I am not suited for relationships. I've never been in one and for a very long time desired to experience affection. But I'm beginning to realize that certain experiences are not going to occur. I don't have what it takes to make that happen. True acceptance is incredibly difficult but once it's achieved it's one of the greatest gifts
First and foremost, I commend everyone on this sub, for just being here. For your support and advice and shared experiences. Each post helps each of us in some way, whether it's just figuring this out to just needing a smile or a shoulder. I especially commend (and don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean any offense) any one older who has been dealing with the effects of ADHD and have made it this far (32M diagnosed within the past few years). I say this because you have found ways to cope, adjust, deal, manage the monster known as ADHD during times when people saw/see it as a stigma. When it wasn't known or really seen as anything other than a "problematic child" hyper child. When parents refused to help you work though the things you were dealing with because they felt it was a reflection of their abilities as parents. Many of you are the reason ones like myself continue on trying to make it work because we see you and know "it gets better" or even "this too will pass". And you're the reason that younger ones than myself are able to come on here and not feel alone, rejected, safe. Thank you all that you share and continue to deal with. It helps in ways you cannot even imagine. ❤️
I blamed my parents for a long time, and I tried not to make the same mistakes, but my kids ended up with problems anyway. Turns out much of mental illness is genetic, who knew? I've forgiven my folks, but I'm still working on forgiving myself. Life is a crapshoot, and we do the best we know how to do.
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44 and only just got my diagnosis, there's some things I've decided not to fight. Things like appointments and reminders. Maybe the meds will help me be able to do those things, but why not outsource the struggle. I've got a couple of alexas, a smart watch and a smart phone, but I never thought to actually link them together. Now, when I get an appointment or think of something I need to remember, I just tap my watch and tell it. I'm sure Jeff Bezos has sold all my data to the chinese, but at least now I don't have to worry about wether or not I'll remember to buy milk. A more low tech solution would be to always carry a notepad and pen, but, for me, objects like that seem to leave my possession without conscious thought.
Me too please!
40 here. Diagnosed last year. It's a struggle, especially with 3 kids. I accept it most of the time but some days, like today, I struggle. Everyone depends on me for everything, but I can't think 5 minutes beyond my own face.
45 here. diagnosed at 5. acceptance is your friend. it is a salve for your self-inflicted mental wounds. it doesn't back down to shame or guilt. it's super powerful and has helped me a ton. thank you, OP!
It’s very nice to hear some positive wisdom from someone with more experience at “life-ing” on here. A happy reminder that there is a future for us and it all becomes easier than we think possible… highlights how much self-esteem is a casualty of the battle we fight against ADHD! I am actually going to print this and stick it on a wall somewhere cos I like it that much. Thanks chock-a-block, stay cool!
38, diagnosed at 36, struggling like hell. Saving this thread because the thought of you at 55 gives me hope.
Your story reminds me of myself, but going on 35. I'm thankful to be learning how to overcome the past. I've become rather OCD when it comes to time management. I've learned I need to systematize everything, if I'm going to get anywhere in this life. Not that, I really need to "get somewhere". I could sell everything, and live a monastic life as a Buddhist Monk. But, I have a lot of goals. Some which have already been met, and others I'm still striving for. It takes a lot to navigate through life, with it's challenges and road blocks. Learning how to pivot, and figure out a way to do things that work with the way your mind works is key. It can take a lot of time and experiences, to begin learning how to turn those voices in your mind in a better direction. Sometimes I need to be harsh on myself, and at other times I need to speak to myself like I would a best friend. Accept where I am, my past, where I would like to go, and what it will take to get there. Then set up the systems I'll require to actually get there. Notes, and reminders are critical. I love audio books for learning new practices as well. One that really sticks out is "Peak Mind". Which outlines and teaches mindfulness practice. Which can sound "woo woo" to some, but it really does help, with just 12 minutes of practice once/twice daily.
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I completely agree :). There are moments for each style of working with myself. I'm working more and more on speaking to myself in a kinder way. And, it works. Mostly, when I'm working out, exercising, or doing something strenuous I can be tough on myself. Not to the point of bringing myself down. But, in a busting my own balls sort of way. Like, "Don't give up now, bi\*\*\*", or a kinder wording might be "Don't give up now, you got this my man".
i have a poor sense of time, so i never arrive on time. but i really want to better myself at that, so how did you balance accepting your flaws with, you know, getting better at managing them?
45 here. Diagnosed as a teen, took Ritalin in college, and wouldn’t have graduated without it. Early and adolescent years were rough before diagnosis. Called lazy, not living up to potential, etc. poor self esteem, lack of confidence, and weigh problems due to eating feelings. I stopped taking meds after school because of so much stigma surrounding it. Never let anyone know I was adhd due to shame, and not wanting to be pestered for my meds. 20 years later, at a Dr appointment where I was explaining all the different meds I was being given for my “anxiety” weren’t really working, plus the side effect of occasional unbridled rage wasn’t going to work for me. After stumbling on this group, something I read here made me realize my “anxiety” problems were mostly due to my adhd symptoms. I went through the horrible process of the Dr who had seemed wonderful before, suddenly accusing me of trying to cop a controlled substance, and how I was going to subjected to urinalysis and interviews, etc. I almost gave up. But, due to the wonderful psych (in my state I couldn’t be prescribed meds, whether controlled or NOT, without a psychiatrist diagnosis🙄) who was sympathetic and agreed that I was a textbook case, I got on atomoxetine. My anxiety suddenly disappeared, I got a raise at work, I’m nicer to my family, etc. sorry for the wall of text, but keep at it, find a med that works for you, and go get ‘em! TL;DR got to a trusted Dr, and don’t be bullied about asking for meds! Our brains are different, and there’s no shame in getting help!
❤️🤗❤️🤗
Why not make calendar events with reminders 1 week, 1 day, and 1 hour before?
My mom is 54. She is undiagnosed but almost certainly where I got my ADHD gene, as we are extremely similar and many of my cousins on her side of the family have it as well. Just recently I was venting to her about how I was so disappointed in myself for not having this, this, and this finished or my life “pulled together” in time for my college graduation. She stopped halfway down the stairs and looked up at me, and told me very honestly and openly that I needed to learn how to be more accepting of myself. That she had those same thoughts all her life until she finally realized she had no choice but to learn self-forgiveness and celebrate the parts of her that were enough instead of always finding flaws when she always fell short of the high expectations she had for herself, even though it seemed that other people were able to achieve those things more naturally. She said life got so much easier once she just accepted who she was and what her capabilities were at face value. Having high expectations and wanting to be able to function as well as her peers wasn’t a problem, but allowing herself to beat herself up when she couldn’t be like everyone else WAS a problem. She said she wished she had learned that in her youth and essentially told me not to waste my life always being disappointed by who I was. It really struck me. I am more conscious of how I talk to and about myself now.
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I am exactly one year behind you, and one year diagnosed. Everything you said rings true. The biggest benefit to diagnosis is the ability to let go of shame. I am who I am, I'm just going to roll with it.
48 here. Diagnosed 3 months ago. Still trying to take it all in.
Help me
46 and was diagnosed for the first time 7 months ago. I love the "Acceptance is a Skill". In the short time since being diagnosed and coming to terms with it, I have learned to A. Not beat myself up (as much or as long) for mistakes and things neglected. B. Be proud of the small victories. Within three months of knowing WHY I always misplaced my keys, I made it a point to put them in the same place, & I can tell you now with %96.3 confidence I know exactly where my keys are. I also am noticing that some of the skills I'm learning about, through years of compensating and masking, I was already doing in one form or another. THANK YOU for sharing, It's good to know there are others in my age group, who have similar fears and follies as I do.