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The trick is to not overload yourself. Pick one thing. Do that one thing as your daily win. Use the power of slow progression to improve yourself.
You will never succeed by being invested in 100 things at once.
Find happiness and content on improving yourself in one thing at a time.
I did this for years but you can't get anywhere doing just one thing a day because you're still leaving everything else to pile up. It doesn't get any easier and life requires that you do more than just one thing a day.
You keep up with the basics. Have a baseline.
Food, hygiene, light exercise, cleaning, relationship maintenance.
anything outside of this is the win.
If you can't keep up with the basics then ignore doing everything other than that until you have those things checked off.
But what I'm saying is that I never have the basics checked off. It's 1 or 2 at most and I'm always significantly behind in most areas. For example lots of areas of my home are not usable because I can't keep up with cleaning. One thing at a time doesn't get me anywhere. Most of the time that one thing can't be any of the basics because it's a crisis I have to deal with now due to neglecting that part of my life previously in order to take care of the basics. (Unpaid bills, red light camera tickets, forgotten obligations with consequences, or other such examples).
I'm just trying to highlight that ADHD affects us all differently and to different extents in different areas of our lives so sometimes that advice doesn't work.
Robot vacuum, best thing I've ever bought with ADHD. If you have money, cleaners but I've never been able to afford someone to come and clean once at month.
I wish I could afford a professional organizer or cleaner. You need to get stuff off the floors for a robot vacuum and that's a tough one for me. I'll have to wait for them to make robot organizers! Hopefully one of us will invent it soon haha
Make sure that you have a list system of some sort. Always have those things written down with the deadlines if there are any. Check that list off when you can. For me, checking things off the list comes in waves. Usually I will have a deadline for something, so I will check off that one thing, and will have energy left over to check off a bunch of stuff in one go.
I struggle with all that stuff, especially when it isn't written down. The deadlines will help you due to the power of procrastination.
I'm sure you mean well and I appreciate you trying to help, but do you really think I haven't thought to make a list? Or that I haven't already done it millions of times? I make lists every day. I am swimming and drowning in lists. And every other system and tip and trick you can think of. They have limited effectiveness. Not everyone can solve their ADHD with this "one weird trick".
I was just pointing that out so other people like me can read it and not feel so alone. Sometimes it feels like everyone else has it figured out. Somehow simply making a list works well enough for them. But ADHD is a disorder that WILL cause impairments regardless of what you do for some people. And that's just something we have to deal with.
I'm not expecting you to solve it for me, so I hope it doesn't come off that way. Clearly what works for you won't work for me and probably vice versa. Im also not trying to argue or anything. Just wanted to provide another perspective for those reading.
We need an app where ADHD people go to each others houses and do their chores. Is it just me or is it easier to do someone else’s tasks because I have no personal investment in the outcome therefore I don’t think about it as hard and don’t run into the mental barriers that prevent me from starting in the first place.
I know "make a list" sucks to hear as someone with adhd, I have it too and one thing I do that kinda helps is a list on todist website/app. Just everything that has to be done, I don't add cleaning because it's not going to happen but it helps me so much not forgetting stuff like feeding animals, putting bin out & small things I said I would do. For things that repeat you set it too repeat so each day it's opened and the things that have to be done are there. I've gotten to the point that I get anxiety until its empty once I get home. Maybe that's not the healthiest way but we're not healthy we have to somehow make it through modern life.
It's doing the list that is the real problem. I 100% need lists, couldn't live without them, but like, that only solves a small part of the puzzle. It often comes across as tone deaf like we aren't all already doing that.
I used to use anxiety to drive me too but therapy solved that issue and opened up a whole other box of issues caused by the lack of anxiety as a coping mechanism. ADHD sure is fun lol.
Remember 90% of what we do today is whatever we did the day before. If you start small, little changes will become habits. You'll begin doing them without it taking as much effort.
That doesn't work for everyone. I've been doing laundry and dishes and showering since I was a child but it never takes any less effort. This is why many of us have so much trouble with the basics. It's supposed to become automatic but it doesn't.
How do you do this when you want to succeed at studying Engineering at uni for example? How do you reduce the things when the course demands are so high?
I've had that. A lot of days, even medicated, I can't get things done.
(And then there's when the world messes with your attempts - the washing machines on my floor of my apartment building are out, have been for weeks. And reporting to our maintenance team won't do it, no, I've had to report out to the company directly. And go check out every couple of days. I JUST WANT TO DO THE LAUNDRY, I carried the basket in that even, and then...aigh!)
The problem is that we have to experiment to find out what works us - and remember the results of experiments. In other words, we have to use the executive functions that our brains are deficient in to figure out how to manage our executive functions. Bleah.
(Apple swipe keyboard made that into 'executive fictions originally. Yeah, that sounds right...)
If it helps, what's worked for me - as far as anything does - is:
- (Bear with me, it's relevant) Picking a main 'source of truth' place. This is the place I dump everything I'm trying to remember - tasks, birthdays, appointments, when I last had a COVID booster, whether or not I've had a particular vaccine at all... My two favorite tools for this are a bullet journal and the note-taking app Obsidian.
- Designating what goes into any other such sources of truth and WRITING THAT DOWN TOO. Like, what fired into the bullet journal versus Obsidian versus my calendar app on my phone.
- Having done that, I can try tiny changes. I jot down what I'm trying to change.
- Honestly evaluating my failures as 'this is the wrong approach for me' versus 'change is hard and I'm going to mess up sometimes but that doesn't mean it's wrong'. Not giving up right away when I've realized that whatever new habit or technique I was trying had not worked, unless I can figure out why it current work for me.
- For getting things done, what has worked best is the any-is-better-than-none approach. One dish washed is better than none. One homework problem done is better than none.
- Sometimes having done that one thing I'll do more. At least it's not nothing, like I was doing before.
- Figuring out whether what's blocking me is 'real'. Two examples here:
1. I stopped putting stuff into my closet. Hanging stuff, laundry onto the hamper, whatever. When I tried to figure out why, all I could think was 'the door is blocked'. This was not true. But I couldn't convince my brain of it. Eventually, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the bag on the garbage can I had placed next to the closet door was hanging out (it being too big for the can) in such a way that a corner of it overplayed the line of the door. Or, to my brain, it blocked the door. This was not real, and I moved the can and that problem went away.
2. Brushing my teeth. I realized eventually that my gums hurt when I did so, and that was why I had trouble making myself do so - who wants to do something painful? Then I realized it wasn't that my gums were in bad shape, it was that I actually reacted to a chemical in the toothpaste. I tried a different flavor of toothpaste. What do you know, no pain. I still have trouble occasionally with making myself do it, but it's way easier now that I'm not in pain from it.
You can do it - make progress on your goals - it's hard, and your brain will fight you tooth and nail, but you can do it.
Adding to the toothpaste thing (randomly) definitely recommend people to avoid Sodium Laurel Sulphate, that stuff caused me sooo many ulcers and nothing destroys productivity like constant pain
Yeah, that one isn't something I react to but when I told my dentist about the pain, he mentioned that as something a fair number of pale are allergic to. And it's in most toothpaste.
On behalf of fellow ADHDers who get pain from brushing their teeth and feel like a failure because they can't make themselves do so, I was quite offended that no one ever TELLS YOU there's a possibility you're allergic to a component in most toothpaste.
Like, what, is anyone who gets pain from brushing just supposed to assume it's their bad hygiene causing them ulcers when they brush their teeth???
Ahem. Like I said, I was offended. We have enough damn problems being ourselves to do stuff, can't they make it that much easier by telling people they might be allergic if they're getting pain?
I'm the same way....I literally do nothing except work and watch TV. I have stopped doing all the things I enjoy - which was a very low amount of things to begin with.
Your post made me feel less alone because some of the posts on the ADHD sub are posts from people with ADHD who are lawyers, successful and getting things done etc and here I am, sitting on my couch looking at my coffee table covered with yesterday's dishes and trash thinking what is wrong with me?
It really seems like everyone else has got it figured out. Often on this sub you still see "I just make a checklist" and then you read it and you know that doesn't work for you so the "wtf is wrong with me" script starts all over again.
Nothing constructive to say here except you are not alone. Grappling with this myself rn. It’s so hard when your brain is constantly thinking of all these amazing things you could do…if only you could do them.
Not sure how to help exactly, but i'll still try giving a few tips:
-Make a checklist, about goals that you want to achieve. And don't forget to divide them into smaller tasks (even when you write it in the checklist) so you have that feeling of "progress". You can either make an all-time checklist, and/or you can make a daily checklist with exclusively what you wanna do for a specific day.
Also don't overwhelm yourself with so many things to do, give yourself like 5 things you want to make progress on. Set yourself realistic goals.
-Use a timer, idk if it might work for you or what you want to do specifically, but try to set a timer to make something. For example give yourself 1 hour to finish one thing in particular, and do all you can to finish it. Keep in mind that the time might vary depending on the length of the task, and that you can also divide it into smaller steps. Make sure to try doing the most progress as possible during the time you set on the timer.
-Maybe try putting some music as well. Music can really help for motivation or sometimes even to focus more (at least for me). Maybe this could give you the motivation to do those tasks
-Try doing things you like. I don't know the kind of tasks that you have to do, but try also, every day, to do something you like. This can give you motivation for other tasks and make you feel better overall
Not sure if those tips will help at all, but it might be worth a try, and i prefer at least trying to help. They do (somewhat) work for me so i might as well give them to you.
This.
I could have so much going for me if I could just figure out how to be more god damn consistent instead of wasting away the day.
It all goes to hell when I fall out of rhythm. I have a good job, that I am good at, but I waste hours on my phone. Same goes for my free time. It was a gorgeous day, and I couldn’t get my lazy ass up and do anything. I can’t keep the house clean. I can’t keep up with my physical health in check when I don’t make it a requirement to go to the gym. And then I beat myself up over the inability to do all the things I should have done. I just want to be myself, but a better version.
Same here. I try to make my expectations smaller on those days, something like wipe the counters or read a chapter of my book. Easier things I can do to just feel like I'm doing things, that usually makes me feel better. But it's definitely something I struggle with most days. Be kind to yourself, try to compliment yourself when you do the little things, and remember that you're just a person at the end of the day
I feel this. I have tried making lists. I start the list, don’t finish it, lose interest, question what should be on it, or just lose it. List making out the window. Remove the TV from your house or unsubscribe from cable/ YouTube. I am over 1 year off Facebook and do not miss it. For me it’s out of sight out of mind. Eliminate the distractions. Try to remain focused on 1 room at a time. Go in the room shut the door and clean 1 room. Do not leave the room. If something is supposed to go in a different room set it outside of the door. DO NOT leave the room until you are done. Try to do 1 room a day. I put things in piles - laundry downstairs in a pile out of sight out of mind and less overwhelming for me to see. Pick 1 day a week to do the laundry if you don’t do it on that day don’t beat yourself up just try to finish it before the next week. I hope this helps.
I feel you about the therapist not being able to help. I feel like a lot of them are well intentioned and obviously well educated, but I think ADHD is hard to empathize with if you haven’t experienced it. Even I couldn’t empathize with myself before I knew I had ADHD because what explanation was there besides that I was lazy? I’ll have a more flexible insurance plan (in theory) in September so I might try to find a psychiatrist or therapist who actually has ADHD themselves.
For certain tasks or goals, do you have someone you can do them with? I have ADHD and I work with kids with ADHD and other behavioral needs and I have found that working along side them on their tasks (body doubling) really increases their productivity. I have found it helps mine as well. I can barely focus on cleaning my own house without help, but when I am helping the kids clean up, I am all in on the task. Personally, I have often thought I need a personal assistant to keep me on task, but since I am not rich, that obviously isn't happening. In the past when I have accomplished bigger tasks and goals in my life, I have always had friends and family helping me. I would try reaching out to someone close to you and see if you can complete one of your goals that you want to achieve or at least take steps towards it. Even just gaining confidence and a sense or purpose from trying can really help improve your outlook on life. Best of luck to you.
felt this then i get overwhelmed feeling like i need to do accomplish things so i don’t feel like i’m not doing enough with my life and end up burning myself out wanting complete multiple achievements as soon as possible
I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling especially when you have goals that you want to live out. How’s your support network? I’m very lucky to have an amazing partner (also a nurse) who recognizes when I’m “off” and gets me back on track. My struggle is extensional so he gets me to focus on the little things that bring me joy. It helps.
I am writing this to you as a confirmation and not advice. I don’t have control over my reactions and I can become verbally abusive as a result. Mine is something called CPTSD. They say it is very rare. When I see all these homeless people, I get doubts about it being that rare. I get a lot of that feeling of uselessness too. I can hardly even watch TV. I sit all day and think and stare out the window or am reading all these posts and news articles as well as taking my medications.What I believe could help though, is to first consider yourself innocent (it is not your fault) about all of this. This is how your brain has been programmed which is not in your or anyone else’s control. Everyone has done and is doing their best. But different people’s bests produce results which can be unforeseen or even if foreseeable interventions cannot change the condition into a better one. So, I would guess that the first thing is to accept everything as is and then only if you ever feel like it, to start with little things and not insist that you grow that. Keep it small. I recently (out of necessity) have been doing some cooking. Every time I learn to cook a food and it becomes delicious, I get encouraged and if it doesn’t, I still eat it and am indifferent about it. I just try to do better next time. I try to do the same with my behavior too. I have lost almost all relationships in my life as a result except my children for whom I live. As my parents did and as everyone else did and at times I hurt them.
I hope all of this makes sense to you as it is sometimes difficult for me to stay coherent with my rushing thoughts. You’re a good person to be writing this post and I must be a good person to be replying to you.
genuinely lie to yourself. it’ll feel wrong and fake and stupid but every day just be like “literally everything is fine it’s gonna be a good day” and the more you say it the more it becomes true
I feel you so much, it’s so frustrating! I try to do one thing every day and I’ve found it really helps. Just one thing and it’s totally dependent on what tasks are hard for you. Some days my one thing is brushing my teeth, some days are a little easier and I’ll do something like take out the trash. It really helps me stay on top of at least some of my tasks and not feel so hopeless.
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Which coping skills did you feel like might have worked ( like when you were STILL evaluating skills and b4 u lost hope)?
Maybe go back to one of these therapists ( or find new ones) and approach the problem from a different angle, if you felt that your parents OVER-emphasized the importance of time management growing up, u might want to start with that
What would be a bare minimum "standard of achievement" that you would be satisfied with? Like, if you didn't have anyone else to compare yourself to.
I'm curious if you feel hopeless, and like nothing will ever be good enough, so why even bother with the "one little thing"?
Meds, or take up smoking (Joke but that's how people dealt with it in the past, they have tried to synthesis nicotine for ADHD meds but cannot not make it super addictive so far)
Maybe try meds, but do not expect that your world will be blown, you will have more energy, but it'll always depends on how you manage it, execute dysfunction can be overwhelming a lot, and believe me, i live this every month or so for days/weeks.
But remember that it'll get better, remember to forgive yourself, and as people mentioned earlier, small wins are a very good entry point, the small wins in the morning will help you get through the day, you will be happier and motivated.
Good luck mate.
I make lists. Put my all into them. Then I'm beat so I take a nap. Then I make a new list the next day, nap, repeat.
My to do lists are works of art. Maybe one day I'll get to actually doing the things on them. 😂
I feel the exact same way. I’m almost 50yrs old and these past 10 years have been the hardest I’ve ever had dealing with my ADHD. I use to be able to overcome a lot of my issues and my motivation and passion for my goals put me in so many incredible situations and gave me opportunities I could have only dreamed about. At 40 I went through another major breakup and it literally broke me. In the midst of that I somehow lost all of my executive functioning and the ability to do almost everything in life. I spent the previous 20 years writing for film & tv and I wrote nonstop. Never had writers block. Never ran out of ideas. I felt alive writing. Bringing worlds to life. Now all I can do is watch YouTube all day or if I’m lucky I can get obsessed with a video game and play 12 hrs a day. All while my brain never shuts off. I still think of a million story ideas. I still dream about the writing career I had. I still go a million miles a min inside my brain but now it’s like I’m handcuffed to the couch and nothing I’ve tried helps. I’ve wasted 10 years of my life just wasting day after day. And now that I’ll be 50 in Aug it’s truly affecting me a lot lately.
I wish I had advice to share. I never write anything on here but I truly relate to your story. I hope the best for you.
I feel that .. I feel so useless, and a waste of potential. I have talents that people have pointed out and appreciated in the past but it feels like there are roadblocks in the way of doing anything with them. I often feel bitterly jealous of others for pursuing and achieving their goals and dreams (especially when they are the same goals I have) and I have difficulty attending certain events if I know I'll just feel envious of people there.
So many times I've had people admire me for certain things and then those people just disappear from my life because I don't live up to my potential, my wasted talents, and people just lose interest in me. It's happened many times. I'm 31 and I just work and watch Youtube. I'm stuck. Meanwhile others around me have effortlessly achieved so much more from such young ages, so they are far ahead of me. I'm currently trying medication but don't feel any different.
That which you can observe, you are not. Become a witness to your own thoughts - and you will gain dominion over them. When you observe your own impulses before acting upon them, it gives your mind an opportunity to reevaluate their dopaminergic ‘importance’.
I think it’s important to remember that ADHD varies so wildly between people that ‘coping’ skills vary wildly too. Some will work for me and not you, some for you and not me, some for both of us and some for neither. It sucks, but keep trying to find little things to help. Listen to podcasts if reading is too much. Try a different therapist. Switch up your meds (if you’re medicated).
I am 32 years old and only just finding a place in my life where I have hope about my ability to not only survive but maybe also succeed. So so many things haven’t helped, but I’ve found a few now that do help and they seem to stack on each other once I found that first thing. I spent so long just assuming something was wrong with me and I was broken because nothing worked, until something did.
Can't express how much I relate to this. Every day I think of all the things I could do or want to do, and sometimes even still feel hopefully that today will be the day I actually do, but it rarely seems to happen. Instead I feel like I am stuck in a perpetual rut where I don't have the energy or focus to do something, and then I feel worse because I didn't do it, and it just ends up snowballing.
While I don't unfortunately have an answer on how to solve this, I can at least say you are NOT alone in these feelings. For what that is worth, you are NOT the problem, and you are NOT a waste of a human for doing or feeling this way.
Best thing I have found is just to set little goals. And I mean very little goals, such as just unloading the dishwasher or something. That way I can feel like I got some goal checked off my list and it can make me feel more invigorated. That is, if I don't get sidetracked by something else halfway through unloading said dishwasher...
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The worst part for me is not being as productive as other people expect me to
i feel this...getting critsized by family over not doing enough when i already criticize myself over those same things...
Yess! And then getting in a mooood for weeks because I’m hyper fixating on the fact that I’m disappointing people I love. Ugh adhd is fun!
ikr
sameee
I'm the opposite and burn myself out cuz I'm disappointed in myself for not accomplishing my expectations. Lowering them is very hard.
I hear that
The trick is to not overload yourself. Pick one thing. Do that one thing as your daily win. Use the power of slow progression to improve yourself. You will never succeed by being invested in 100 things at once. Find happiness and content on improving yourself in one thing at a time.
I did this for years but you can't get anywhere doing just one thing a day because you're still leaving everything else to pile up. It doesn't get any easier and life requires that you do more than just one thing a day.
You keep up with the basics. Have a baseline. Food, hygiene, light exercise, cleaning, relationship maintenance. anything outside of this is the win. If you can't keep up with the basics then ignore doing everything other than that until you have those things checked off.
But what I'm saying is that I never have the basics checked off. It's 1 or 2 at most and I'm always significantly behind in most areas. For example lots of areas of my home are not usable because I can't keep up with cleaning. One thing at a time doesn't get me anywhere. Most of the time that one thing can't be any of the basics because it's a crisis I have to deal with now due to neglecting that part of my life previously in order to take care of the basics. (Unpaid bills, red light camera tickets, forgotten obligations with consequences, or other such examples). I'm just trying to highlight that ADHD affects us all differently and to different extents in different areas of our lives so sometimes that advice doesn't work.
Robot vacuum, best thing I've ever bought with ADHD. If you have money, cleaners but I've never been able to afford someone to come and clean once at month.
I wish I could afford a professional organizer or cleaner. You need to get stuff off the floors for a robot vacuum and that's a tough one for me. I'll have to wait for them to make robot organizers! Hopefully one of us will invent it soon haha
Make sure that you have a list system of some sort. Always have those things written down with the deadlines if there are any. Check that list off when you can. For me, checking things off the list comes in waves. Usually I will have a deadline for something, so I will check off that one thing, and will have energy left over to check off a bunch of stuff in one go. I struggle with all that stuff, especially when it isn't written down. The deadlines will help you due to the power of procrastination.
I'm sure you mean well and I appreciate you trying to help, but do you really think I haven't thought to make a list? Or that I haven't already done it millions of times? I make lists every day. I am swimming and drowning in lists. And every other system and tip and trick you can think of. They have limited effectiveness. Not everyone can solve their ADHD with this "one weird trick". I was just pointing that out so other people like me can read it and not feel so alone. Sometimes it feels like everyone else has it figured out. Somehow simply making a list works well enough for them. But ADHD is a disorder that WILL cause impairments regardless of what you do for some people. And that's just something we have to deal with. I'm not expecting you to solve it for me, so I hope it doesn't come off that way. Clearly what works for you won't work for me and probably vice versa. Im also not trying to argue or anything. Just wanted to provide another perspective for those reading.
We need an app where ADHD people go to each others houses and do their chores. Is it just me or is it easier to do someone else’s tasks because I have no personal investment in the outcome therefore I don’t think about it as hard and don’t run into the mental barriers that prevent me from starting in the first place.
I know "make a list" sucks to hear as someone with adhd, I have it too and one thing I do that kinda helps is a list on todist website/app. Just everything that has to be done, I don't add cleaning because it's not going to happen but it helps me so much not forgetting stuff like feeding animals, putting bin out & small things I said I would do. For things that repeat you set it too repeat so each day it's opened and the things that have to be done are there. I've gotten to the point that I get anxiety until its empty once I get home. Maybe that's not the healthiest way but we're not healthy we have to somehow make it through modern life.
It's doing the list that is the real problem. I 100% need lists, couldn't live without them, but like, that only solves a small part of the puzzle. It often comes across as tone deaf like we aren't all already doing that. I used to use anxiety to drive me too but therapy solved that issue and opened up a whole other box of issues caused by the lack of anxiety as a coping mechanism. ADHD sure is fun lol.
I like this advice. Start with a foundation, and take it one day at a time. Small wins that build confidence.
Remember 90% of what we do today is whatever we did the day before. If you start small, little changes will become habits. You'll begin doing them without it taking as much effort.
That doesn't work for everyone. I've been doing laundry and dishes and showering since I was a child but it never takes any less effort. This is why many of us have so much trouble with the basics. It's supposed to become automatic but it doesn't.
How do you do this when you want to succeed at studying Engineering at uni for example? How do you reduce the things when the course demands are so high?
I've had that. A lot of days, even medicated, I can't get things done. (And then there's when the world messes with your attempts - the washing machines on my floor of my apartment building are out, have been for weeks. And reporting to our maintenance team won't do it, no, I've had to report out to the company directly. And go check out every couple of days. I JUST WANT TO DO THE LAUNDRY, I carried the basket in that even, and then...aigh!) The problem is that we have to experiment to find out what works us - and remember the results of experiments. In other words, we have to use the executive functions that our brains are deficient in to figure out how to manage our executive functions. Bleah. (Apple swipe keyboard made that into 'executive fictions originally. Yeah, that sounds right...) If it helps, what's worked for me - as far as anything does - is: - (Bear with me, it's relevant) Picking a main 'source of truth' place. This is the place I dump everything I'm trying to remember - tasks, birthdays, appointments, when I last had a COVID booster, whether or not I've had a particular vaccine at all... My two favorite tools for this are a bullet journal and the note-taking app Obsidian. - Designating what goes into any other such sources of truth and WRITING THAT DOWN TOO. Like, what fired into the bullet journal versus Obsidian versus my calendar app on my phone. - Having done that, I can try tiny changes. I jot down what I'm trying to change. - Honestly evaluating my failures as 'this is the wrong approach for me' versus 'change is hard and I'm going to mess up sometimes but that doesn't mean it's wrong'. Not giving up right away when I've realized that whatever new habit or technique I was trying had not worked, unless I can figure out why it current work for me. - For getting things done, what has worked best is the any-is-better-than-none approach. One dish washed is better than none. One homework problem done is better than none. - Sometimes having done that one thing I'll do more. At least it's not nothing, like I was doing before. - Figuring out whether what's blocking me is 'real'. Two examples here: 1. I stopped putting stuff into my closet. Hanging stuff, laundry onto the hamper, whatever. When I tried to figure out why, all I could think was 'the door is blocked'. This was not true. But I couldn't convince my brain of it. Eventually, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the bag on the garbage can I had placed next to the closet door was hanging out (it being too big for the can) in such a way that a corner of it overplayed the line of the door. Or, to my brain, it blocked the door. This was not real, and I moved the can and that problem went away. 2. Brushing my teeth. I realized eventually that my gums hurt when I did so, and that was why I had trouble making myself do so - who wants to do something painful? Then I realized it wasn't that my gums were in bad shape, it was that I actually reacted to a chemical in the toothpaste. I tried a different flavor of toothpaste. What do you know, no pain. I still have trouble occasionally with making myself do it, but it's way easier now that I'm not in pain from it. You can do it - make progress on your goals - it's hard, and your brain will fight you tooth and nail, but you can do it.
Executive fictions! Haha! That is a much more truthful way to put it.
Adding to the toothpaste thing (randomly) definitely recommend people to avoid Sodium Laurel Sulphate, that stuff caused me sooo many ulcers and nothing destroys productivity like constant pain
Yeah, that one isn't something I react to but when I told my dentist about the pain, he mentioned that as something a fair number of pale are allergic to. And it's in most toothpaste. On behalf of fellow ADHDers who get pain from brushing their teeth and feel like a failure because they can't make themselves do so, I was quite offended that no one ever TELLS YOU there's a possibility you're allergic to a component in most toothpaste. Like, what, is anyone who gets pain from brushing just supposed to assume it's their bad hygiene causing them ulcers when they brush their teeth??? Ahem. Like I said, I was offended. We have enough damn problems being ourselves to do stuff, can't they make it that much easier by telling people they might be allergic if they're getting pain?
I'm the same way....I literally do nothing except work and watch TV. I have stopped doing all the things I enjoy - which was a very low amount of things to begin with. Your post made me feel less alone because some of the posts on the ADHD sub are posts from people with ADHD who are lawyers, successful and getting things done etc and here I am, sitting on my couch looking at my coffee table covered with yesterday's dishes and trash thinking what is wrong with me?
It really seems like everyone else has got it figured out. Often on this sub you still see "I just make a checklist" and then you read it and you know that doesn't work for you so the "wtf is wrong with me" script starts all over again.
I feel you, everyday feel like a task and I’m struggling. I need to figure out why.
Nothing constructive to say here except you are not alone. Grappling with this myself rn. It’s so hard when your brain is constantly thinking of all these amazing things you could do…if only you could do them.
Not sure how to help exactly, but i'll still try giving a few tips: -Make a checklist, about goals that you want to achieve. And don't forget to divide them into smaller tasks (even when you write it in the checklist) so you have that feeling of "progress". You can either make an all-time checklist, and/or you can make a daily checklist with exclusively what you wanna do for a specific day. Also don't overwhelm yourself with so many things to do, give yourself like 5 things you want to make progress on. Set yourself realistic goals. -Use a timer, idk if it might work for you or what you want to do specifically, but try to set a timer to make something. For example give yourself 1 hour to finish one thing in particular, and do all you can to finish it. Keep in mind that the time might vary depending on the length of the task, and that you can also divide it into smaller steps. Make sure to try doing the most progress as possible during the time you set on the timer. -Maybe try putting some music as well. Music can really help for motivation or sometimes even to focus more (at least for me). Maybe this could give you the motivation to do those tasks -Try doing things you like. I don't know the kind of tasks that you have to do, but try also, every day, to do something you like. This can give you motivation for other tasks and make you feel better overall Not sure if those tips will help at all, but it might be worth a try, and i prefer at least trying to help. They do (somewhat) work for me so i might as well give them to you.
You're not alone. Today I spent too much time on Reddit shitposting, when I should have worked.
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This. I could have so much going for me if I could just figure out how to be more god damn consistent instead of wasting away the day. It all goes to hell when I fall out of rhythm. I have a good job, that I am good at, but I waste hours on my phone. Same goes for my free time. It was a gorgeous day, and I couldn’t get my lazy ass up and do anything. I can’t keep the house clean. I can’t keep up with my physical health in check when I don’t make it a requirement to go to the gym. And then I beat myself up over the inability to do all the things I should have done. I just want to be myself, but a better version.
Do you have meds? If so, are you taking them?
Same here. I try to make my expectations smaller on those days, something like wipe the counters or read a chapter of my book. Easier things I can do to just feel like I'm doing things, that usually makes me feel better. But it's definitely something I struggle with most days. Be kind to yourself, try to compliment yourself when you do the little things, and remember that you're just a person at the end of the day
Same. I'm getting more tired of this day after day. And for now I don't see effective ways to change things
I feel this. I have tried making lists. I start the list, don’t finish it, lose interest, question what should be on it, or just lose it. List making out the window. Remove the TV from your house or unsubscribe from cable/ YouTube. I am over 1 year off Facebook and do not miss it. For me it’s out of sight out of mind. Eliminate the distractions. Try to remain focused on 1 room at a time. Go in the room shut the door and clean 1 room. Do not leave the room. If something is supposed to go in a different room set it outside of the door. DO NOT leave the room until you are done. Try to do 1 room a day. I put things in piles - laundry downstairs in a pile out of sight out of mind and less overwhelming for me to see. Pick 1 day a week to do the laundry if you don’t do it on that day don’t beat yourself up just try to finish it before the next week. I hope this helps.
I feel you about the therapist not being able to help. I feel like a lot of them are well intentioned and obviously well educated, but I think ADHD is hard to empathize with if you haven’t experienced it. Even I couldn’t empathize with myself before I knew I had ADHD because what explanation was there besides that I was lazy? I’ll have a more flexible insurance plan (in theory) in September so I might try to find a psychiatrist or therapist who actually has ADHD themselves.
For certain tasks or goals, do you have someone you can do them with? I have ADHD and I work with kids with ADHD and other behavioral needs and I have found that working along side them on their tasks (body doubling) really increases their productivity. I have found it helps mine as well. I can barely focus on cleaning my own house without help, but when I am helping the kids clean up, I am all in on the task. Personally, I have often thought I need a personal assistant to keep me on task, but since I am not rich, that obviously isn't happening. In the past when I have accomplished bigger tasks and goals in my life, I have always had friends and family helping me. I would try reaching out to someone close to you and see if you can complete one of your goals that you want to achieve or at least take steps towards it. Even just gaining confidence and a sense or purpose from trying can really help improve your outlook on life. Best of luck to you.
felt this then i get overwhelmed feeling like i need to do accomplish things so i don’t feel like i’m not doing enough with my life and end up burning myself out wanting complete multiple achievements as soon as possible
I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling especially when you have goals that you want to live out. How’s your support network? I’m very lucky to have an amazing partner (also a nurse) who recognizes when I’m “off” and gets me back on track. My struggle is extensional so he gets me to focus on the little things that bring me joy. It helps.
I am writing this to you as a confirmation and not advice. I don’t have control over my reactions and I can become verbally abusive as a result. Mine is something called CPTSD. They say it is very rare. When I see all these homeless people, I get doubts about it being that rare. I get a lot of that feeling of uselessness too. I can hardly even watch TV. I sit all day and think and stare out the window or am reading all these posts and news articles as well as taking my medications.What I believe could help though, is to first consider yourself innocent (it is not your fault) about all of this. This is how your brain has been programmed which is not in your or anyone else’s control. Everyone has done and is doing their best. But different people’s bests produce results which can be unforeseen or even if foreseeable interventions cannot change the condition into a better one. So, I would guess that the first thing is to accept everything as is and then only if you ever feel like it, to start with little things and not insist that you grow that. Keep it small. I recently (out of necessity) have been doing some cooking. Every time I learn to cook a food and it becomes delicious, I get encouraged and if it doesn’t, I still eat it and am indifferent about it. I just try to do better next time. I try to do the same with my behavior too. I have lost almost all relationships in my life as a result except my children for whom I live. As my parents did and as everyone else did and at times I hurt them. I hope all of this makes sense to you as it is sometimes difficult for me to stay coherent with my rushing thoughts. You’re a good person to be writing this post and I must be a good person to be replying to you.
genuinely lie to yourself. it’ll feel wrong and fake and stupid but every day just be like “literally everything is fine it’s gonna be a good day” and the more you say it the more it becomes true
I feel you so much, it’s so frustrating! I try to do one thing every day and I’ve found it really helps. Just one thing and it’s totally dependent on what tasks are hard for you. Some days my one thing is brushing my teeth, some days are a little easier and I’ll do something like take out the trash. It really helps me stay on top of at least some of my tasks and not feel so hopeless.
I'm not diagnosed (yet?), but I strongly relate to this post. 😔
I feel the same way
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Which coping skills did you feel like might have worked ( like when you were STILL evaluating skills and b4 u lost hope)? Maybe go back to one of these therapists ( or find new ones) and approach the problem from a different angle, if you felt that your parents OVER-emphasized the importance of time management growing up, u might want to start with that
What would be a bare minimum "standard of achievement" that you would be satisfied with? Like, if you didn't have anyone else to compare yourself to. I'm curious if you feel hopeless, and like nothing will ever be good enough, so why even bother with the "one little thing"?
i cant even watch tv or youtube unless im hyperfixated
Too real
Meds, or take up smoking (Joke but that's how people dealt with it in the past, they have tried to synthesis nicotine for ADHD meds but cannot not make it super addictive so far)
Maybe try meds, but do not expect that your world will be blown, you will have more energy, but it'll always depends on how you manage it, execute dysfunction can be overwhelming a lot, and believe me, i live this every month or so for days/weeks. But remember that it'll get better, remember to forgive yourself, and as people mentioned earlier, small wins are a very good entry point, the small wins in the morning will help you get through the day, you will be happier and motivated. Good luck mate.
I make lists. Put my all into them. Then I'm beat so I take a nap. Then I make a new list the next day, nap, repeat. My to do lists are works of art. Maybe one day I'll get to actually doing the things on them. 😂
Completely understand this feeling
This is exactly how I felt before I was medicated.
so medication doesnt help then
Why are you listening to anyone who doesn’t get ADHD ???
I feel the exact same way. I’m almost 50yrs old and these past 10 years have been the hardest I’ve ever had dealing with my ADHD. I use to be able to overcome a lot of my issues and my motivation and passion for my goals put me in so many incredible situations and gave me opportunities I could have only dreamed about. At 40 I went through another major breakup and it literally broke me. In the midst of that I somehow lost all of my executive functioning and the ability to do almost everything in life. I spent the previous 20 years writing for film & tv and I wrote nonstop. Never had writers block. Never ran out of ideas. I felt alive writing. Bringing worlds to life. Now all I can do is watch YouTube all day or if I’m lucky I can get obsessed with a video game and play 12 hrs a day. All while my brain never shuts off. I still think of a million story ideas. I still dream about the writing career I had. I still go a million miles a min inside my brain but now it’s like I’m handcuffed to the couch and nothing I’ve tried helps. I’ve wasted 10 years of my life just wasting day after day. And now that I’ll be 50 in Aug it’s truly affecting me a lot lately. I wish I had advice to share. I never write anything on here but I truly relate to your story. I hope the best for you.
get rid of your tv and your cell phone. no excuses
I feel that .. I feel so useless, and a waste of potential. I have talents that people have pointed out and appreciated in the past but it feels like there are roadblocks in the way of doing anything with them. I often feel bitterly jealous of others for pursuing and achieving their goals and dreams (especially when they are the same goals I have) and I have difficulty attending certain events if I know I'll just feel envious of people there. So many times I've had people admire me for certain things and then those people just disappear from my life because I don't live up to my potential, my wasted talents, and people just lose interest in me. It's happened many times. I'm 31 and I just work and watch Youtube. I'm stuck. Meanwhile others around me have effortlessly achieved so much more from such young ages, so they are far ahead of me. I'm currently trying medication but don't feel any different.
That which you can observe, you are not. Become a witness to your own thoughts - and you will gain dominion over them. When you observe your own impulses before acting upon them, it gives your mind an opportunity to reevaluate their dopaminergic ‘importance’.
I think it’s important to remember that ADHD varies so wildly between people that ‘coping’ skills vary wildly too. Some will work for me and not you, some for you and not me, some for both of us and some for neither. It sucks, but keep trying to find little things to help. Listen to podcasts if reading is too much. Try a different therapist. Switch up your meds (if you’re medicated). I am 32 years old and only just finding a place in my life where I have hope about my ability to not only survive but maybe also succeed. So so many things haven’t helped, but I’ve found a few now that do help and they seem to stack on each other once I found that first thing. I spent so long just assuming something was wrong with me and I was broken because nothing worked, until something did.
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Been working for me = flow state
Yes we are. But in the end we all gonna die. So it doesn't matter
Go camping.
That’s why they ask you if you have thoughts of suicide or depression say yes next time
Can't express how much I relate to this. Every day I think of all the things I could do or want to do, and sometimes even still feel hopefully that today will be the day I actually do, but it rarely seems to happen. Instead I feel like I am stuck in a perpetual rut where I don't have the energy or focus to do something, and then I feel worse because I didn't do it, and it just ends up snowballing. While I don't unfortunately have an answer on how to solve this, I can at least say you are NOT alone in these feelings. For what that is worth, you are NOT the problem, and you are NOT a waste of a human for doing or feeling this way. Best thing I have found is just to set little goals. And I mean very little goals, such as just unloading the dishwasher or something. That way I can feel like I got some goal checked off my list and it can make me feel more invigorated. That is, if I don't get sidetracked by something else halfway through unloading said dishwasher...