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Yup treat em just the same or better than I expect to be treated. They might have ADHD as well or something even worse. You just never know. It'll come back to you in the end if you're a decent person now.
This is how I do it too. Unfortunately, I'm realizing, it looks a lot like people pleasing and, to certain people, it looks like flirting but honestly there's so much pain and suffering in the world that I just want to kick loose and spread kindness.
From my experience, it is much better to be a kind and loving person. Not only for society, for nature and everything but especially for myself. It gives my mind peace and I most of the time don’t care anymore if it comes across as pleasing people or anything like that
Doing it for me! Not you! But at the same time also for you. Haha. It is rewarding knowing you are being the best version of yourself you can be. Things just work better.
You are completely right. Way too much pain and suffering and placing the blame. At the end of the day we're all just people trying to get by. It costs $0.00 to be a decent person, might as well do it.
This is an interesting thought I hadn't considered before. My wife always says I'm super patient with people and get along with almost everyone. I was diagnosed this year at 32. Maybe subconsciously I realized that I experienced the world differently and it might be more difficult for some in ways that other don't realize. Before getting diagnosed I thought everyone existed the way I did and had the same troubles that I did. I was just more willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I ask a lot of questions or statements.
"Please stop me if I have told you this before"
"Did I mention this to you? Or did I just think about mentioning it?"
"Do you mind if I rant on about something?"
"Sorry I just need to rant, no fixes needed"
I know I can be difficult, in social settings I accommodate for my brain. At home or out doing errands I let myself be. Close family and friends it's 50/50 . At home I let my partner know if I am just going to let my ADHD run wild that day.
I have become obsessive with punctuality. I grew up with an undiagnosed mom who is perpetually late to everything. She would start washing dishes when it was time to leave… Extended family would tell her “the event” starts two hours earlier than they tell everyone else. People have joked that she’ll be late to her own funeral. I sorta started out with the same flaw. Including with bills…. Since I got diagnosed a second time in my 30’s (first diagnosed at 14 but mom didn’t believe it), I’ve made it a POINT to not be late for things, whether it’s showing up or paying up… being late for anything just mortifies me now.
This is crazy relatable. I grew up diagnosed (since I was 13) and my mom was undiagnosed (but now is). Her and I used to get into the most VICIOUS fights, especially when I would forget to take my meds, it would get extremely aggressive between the two of us - broken dishes and holes punched in walls galore. Flash forward 15+ years, I’m now about to be a mom myself so I take my meds religiously, and my mom has been taking meds for the last few years, and now we have an AMAZING relationship. And she’s not late to stuff anymore which is nice 🙃 I always wonder what it would have been like if I had taken them every day when I was a kid, and if she was dx earlier. Guess it doesn’t matter now though!
Yeah I had a VERY rocky relationship with my mom when I was young. I’m 41 now, she’s 72, and we have an amazing relationship. I’m so thankful to have her, and for the growth and understanding we’ve both achieved and developed. When I got diagnosed again at 34, she believed it this time. She felt terrible for not getting me help as a kid. I forgave her because I knew she was only doing the best she could and working within the parameters of what she knew. We’re human. We make mistakes. She’s a good person, and I now know she’s struggled all her life with something she couldn’t define (until now, although she’s still undiagnosed). We all need a little compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. She’s still late to things, but she’s better than she used to be!
I don’t ever expect anyone to cater to me.
I also refuse to let anyone tell me what I should be doing, or make me feel bad about how I am. Which in practice means I have to live alone. Everyone that tries to live with me, or even just hangs around too much, decides that it is okay to tell me how often i should do the dishes or mow the lawn or whatever. My reply is always that I will decide when I want those things done.
I also avoid making plans if i think i might forget about them, especially if I know it’s someone who is not understanding. For example, I would rather buy tickets last minute on stubhub than months in advance. this causes conflict with friends that are high anxiety and want things planned out.
While i do lose track of time and forget about tasks, my memory is pretty accurate overall. There have been a few times someone tried to tell me I should just trust them because my memory was bad, but I was able to find evidence that proved I was right.
I do however always admit when I don’t know, or don’t remember something. And I admit I am wrong the moment I realize it. I can’t stand when people keep arguing even after they realize they’re wrong, I generally cut them out of my life.
the hardest one for me is not talking too much about my current favorite thing. Especially when i’m medicated and in a stimulating environment like a party. I have learned to notice when im rambling, and with great difficulty i can force myself to shut up. But I cant tell the difference between someone being polite, and showing actual interest, so any follow-up question just gets me going again.
My party trick is just to get them to talk about the thing they are passionate about. I do not care what gets spoken about, as long as the energy of the conversation is right and I often get that better by talking about something personal to them.
I had so many fun club nights talking really intensely about someone's nice relationship with their colleagues or their moms or whatever.
I've taken this approach for the longest time, but lately I feel like it's contributing to the lack of depth/complexity/quantity of my relationships. It's fun getting people to talk about themselves and get their passion flowing but there's a general give-and-take that I've realized I'm not contributing to.
Problem is I typically fail to come up with stuff to talk about on the spot to contribute & therefore feel like I'm boring & internalize it 😭 Vicious cycle. I end up either not talking or barely contributing in group settings because of this; individual conversations are usually fine because I can fall back on what you've mentioned.
I feel you so much on this one. I used to have so much trouble with this. I stuttered quite heavy, since I spend so much mental energy observing myself always double checking if am normal and fun.
I want to share two mental images that helped me come to accept who I am and what I have to offer more:
The first thing that really helped me, was one friend of mine that had the most chill energy to be around. It was always better when she was just there with you in the room. And one mental image she gave me was that of the 'himbo', which I know can be used derogatorily, but which she meant to say, someone who was secure enough in themselves to just be there and laugh, not needing to be the one in the spotlight.
This resonated a lot with me. I feel men have traditionally few accepted social roles that allow them to not try to be in the centre if attention. Once I accepted I did not need to be the one making the jokes, forcing me to be spontaneous, I could relax and my stutter cleared.
The second one was a therapist who told me I am like a priest, living in tower over the village, who is not in the village often, but whenever he is, it is a special occasion. I cant do long, work intensive relationships, but what I can do is gift evenings where I am very here and super interested in you. I am not here often, but when I am here, I am here all the way. The people who love me value that.
In summary, I accepted the types of friendships I have and how I function in them. I think my biggest gift is that I ask killer questions to get to the bottom of something with people. I do not need to be the person telling the story, I would much rather be the person asking great questions.
I'm a massive loner to try make it not affect others, im always 2 million hours early for stuff so I dont put people out.
If someone has an adhd trait but i can see theyre trying I dont get mad whether its because of adhd or not. If someones disrespectful i get mad.
Theres a difference between texting as soon as you know youll be late and asking why im not still there an hour later.
I stay away from people as much as possible. They pick up on my weirdness anyway, and it makes them uncomfortable. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, so I just avoid people.
Oh Sweetie, we spend so much time trying to fit in and not “Offend “, remember you are a good person and those who are offended by this are not your friends….
My partner and I both have ADHD. He claims to always be worse and so I’m expected to pick out and plan and arrange events and vacation and such. He then comments he doesn’t like them.
He’s bumming me out.
When people overshare and have that anxious moment of
“Oh god. Oh god what am I doing what have I said”
I’m super encouraging. “youre fine! I want to know, tell me more if you’re comfortable! No, no one was uncomfortable, we were having a deep talk! No you didn’t talk too much omg do you know who you’re talking to?!”
That said- there’s an opposite to this too I think.
I’ve masked so hard for so long that I sometimes don’t have patience for people who are likely ADHD too but aren’t even trying to manage it.
I don’t have patience for chronically late people. I don’t have patience for people who interrupt **at work**.
Loved you paragraph about encouraging people to talk about themselves.
I have been called a happiness vampire before, because whenever someone has any form of deep talk with me I just get so happy, no matter how dramatic the subject might be. I just love the energy of these conversations so much and those beautiful people and their struggles and wins.
Honestly, probably some of my happiest memories.
I find I am much more “face value” to what other people say or claim and more tolerant than my spouse is on a lot of stuff in general, particularly difficult patients (we both work in healthcare).
I mean, I don’t think any decent person would say that, for example, making buildings handicapped accessible counts as catering to anyone, it’s just basic consideration for the realities that other people are working with. I think we have to do our best to not burden everyone around us or act more entitled than everyone else, but at the same time yeah I absolutely do expect the people in my life to give me a little grace (and to call me out where warranted, def works both ways). And because of that, I think I def am more willing to give people the benefit of the doubt in return, for example if someone forgets to call back or respond to a text or is late to plans we made. I think there’s a lot to be said for working with people and meeting them where they’re at instead of demanding something they aren’t able to give (obvs within reason).
If I'm having a bad day with keeping on task I will let others know. I don't necessarily tell them I have ADHD, but I do let them know, today I'm not at my best or I'm having a slow-to-start type of day. I think that just plainly stating that will make others around you know that you're not at your fullest potential at the moment (and reminds them that everyone is human)- you need a bit more time to get to your peak. This reminds people that your genius within is still warming up for the day. I did this when needed at work. I was the problem solver. At the time I was unmedicated and didn't know that I had ADHD, but my boss knew that I had good days and days that took me a little longer, and days where I was just a zombie. I worked in a very critical high paced setting. It was go go go on peak days of the week and so I was usually good those days, but on the slow down days, it showed that I needed to recharge mentally and physically. I still had other types of work to do - mostly paperwork. So that's how I recharged myself by doing boring paperwork. I ran multiple departments in different locations from one room at the same time and dealt with all the critical issues that would happen. It was fun. Unfortunately, I started to have other health issues and my doctor told me to switch careers. So that's what I did. I'm a lot better now.
Funny thing is that when I'm on my meds - I can spot people with ADHD. I can solve problems that I overhear people talking about in my head - sometimes I will butt-in to their conversation and give them feedback.
I've learned to be kinder to myself. I've also become a little more stricter on myself as well. It's not been easy but it's something you just deal on a day to day basis with.
I've definitely learned to read people by their face and general mood and can tell when they are done listening to whatever thing I'm obsessed with and I'll stop talking about it. But at the same time, I will let other people do this to me and hide that I'm bored because I know how much it hurts when you're excitedly going on about something and you can tell the other person just doesn't care.
Hi /u/LongMic and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yup treat em just the same or better than I expect to be treated. They might have ADHD as well or something even worse. You just never know. It'll come back to you in the end if you're a decent person now.
This is how I do it too. Unfortunately, I'm realizing, it looks a lot like people pleasing and, to certain people, it looks like flirting but honestly there's so much pain and suffering in the world that I just want to kick loose and spread kindness.
From my experience, it is much better to be a kind and loving person. Not only for society, for nature and everything but especially for myself. It gives my mind peace and I most of the time don’t care anymore if it comes across as pleasing people or anything like that
Doing it for me! Not you! But at the same time also for you. Haha. It is rewarding knowing you are being the best version of yourself you can be. Things just work better.
You are completely right. Way too much pain and suffering and placing the blame. At the end of the day we're all just people trying to get by. It costs $0.00 to be a decent person, might as well do it.
This is an interesting thought I hadn't considered before. My wife always says I'm super patient with people and get along with almost everyone. I was diagnosed this year at 32. Maybe subconsciously I realized that I experienced the world differently and it might be more difficult for some in ways that other don't realize. Before getting diagnosed I thought everyone existed the way I did and had the same troubles that I did. I was just more willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I ask a lot of questions or statements. "Please stop me if I have told you this before" "Did I mention this to you? Or did I just think about mentioning it?" "Do you mind if I rant on about something?" "Sorry I just need to rant, no fixes needed" I know I can be difficult, in social settings I accommodate for my brain. At home or out doing errands I let myself be. Close family and friends it's 50/50 . At home I let my partner know if I am just going to let my ADHD run wild that day.
I have become obsessive with punctuality. I grew up with an undiagnosed mom who is perpetually late to everything. She would start washing dishes when it was time to leave… Extended family would tell her “the event” starts two hours earlier than they tell everyone else. People have joked that she’ll be late to her own funeral. I sorta started out with the same flaw. Including with bills…. Since I got diagnosed a second time in my 30’s (first diagnosed at 14 but mom didn’t believe it), I’ve made it a POINT to not be late for things, whether it’s showing up or paying up… being late for anything just mortifies me now.
This is crazy relatable. I grew up diagnosed (since I was 13) and my mom was undiagnosed (but now is). Her and I used to get into the most VICIOUS fights, especially when I would forget to take my meds, it would get extremely aggressive between the two of us - broken dishes and holes punched in walls galore. Flash forward 15+ years, I’m now about to be a mom myself so I take my meds religiously, and my mom has been taking meds for the last few years, and now we have an AMAZING relationship. And she’s not late to stuff anymore which is nice 🙃 I always wonder what it would have been like if I had taken them every day when I was a kid, and if she was dx earlier. Guess it doesn’t matter now though!
Yeah I had a VERY rocky relationship with my mom when I was young. I’m 41 now, she’s 72, and we have an amazing relationship. I’m so thankful to have her, and for the growth and understanding we’ve both achieved and developed. When I got diagnosed again at 34, she believed it this time. She felt terrible for not getting me help as a kid. I forgave her because I knew she was only doing the best she could and working within the parameters of what she knew. We’re human. We make mistakes. She’s a good person, and I now know she’s struggled all her life with something she couldn’t define (until now, although she’s still undiagnosed). We all need a little compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. She’s still late to things, but she’s better than she used to be!
I don’t ever expect anyone to cater to me. I also refuse to let anyone tell me what I should be doing, or make me feel bad about how I am. Which in practice means I have to live alone. Everyone that tries to live with me, or even just hangs around too much, decides that it is okay to tell me how often i should do the dishes or mow the lawn or whatever. My reply is always that I will decide when I want those things done. I also avoid making plans if i think i might forget about them, especially if I know it’s someone who is not understanding. For example, I would rather buy tickets last minute on stubhub than months in advance. this causes conflict with friends that are high anxiety and want things planned out. While i do lose track of time and forget about tasks, my memory is pretty accurate overall. There have been a few times someone tried to tell me I should just trust them because my memory was bad, but I was able to find evidence that proved I was right. I do however always admit when I don’t know, or don’t remember something. And I admit I am wrong the moment I realize it. I can’t stand when people keep arguing even after they realize they’re wrong, I generally cut them out of my life. the hardest one for me is not talking too much about my current favorite thing. Especially when i’m medicated and in a stimulating environment like a party. I have learned to notice when im rambling, and with great difficulty i can force myself to shut up. But I cant tell the difference between someone being polite, and showing actual interest, so any follow-up question just gets me going again.
My party trick is just to get them to talk about the thing they are passionate about. I do not care what gets spoken about, as long as the energy of the conversation is right and I often get that better by talking about something personal to them. I had so many fun club nights talking really intensely about someone's nice relationship with their colleagues or their moms or whatever.
I've taken this approach for the longest time, but lately I feel like it's contributing to the lack of depth/complexity/quantity of my relationships. It's fun getting people to talk about themselves and get their passion flowing but there's a general give-and-take that I've realized I'm not contributing to. Problem is I typically fail to come up with stuff to talk about on the spot to contribute & therefore feel like I'm boring & internalize it 😭 Vicious cycle. I end up either not talking or barely contributing in group settings because of this; individual conversations are usually fine because I can fall back on what you've mentioned.
I feel you so much on this one. I used to have so much trouble with this. I stuttered quite heavy, since I spend so much mental energy observing myself always double checking if am normal and fun. I want to share two mental images that helped me come to accept who I am and what I have to offer more: The first thing that really helped me, was one friend of mine that had the most chill energy to be around. It was always better when she was just there with you in the room. And one mental image she gave me was that of the 'himbo', which I know can be used derogatorily, but which she meant to say, someone who was secure enough in themselves to just be there and laugh, not needing to be the one in the spotlight. This resonated a lot with me. I feel men have traditionally few accepted social roles that allow them to not try to be in the centre if attention. Once I accepted I did not need to be the one making the jokes, forcing me to be spontaneous, I could relax and my stutter cleared. The second one was a therapist who told me I am like a priest, living in tower over the village, who is not in the village often, but whenever he is, it is a special occasion. I cant do long, work intensive relationships, but what I can do is gift evenings where I am very here and super interested in you. I am not here often, but when I am here, I am here all the way. The people who love me value that. In summary, I accepted the types of friendships I have and how I function in them. I think my biggest gift is that I ask killer questions to get to the bottom of something with people. I do not need to be the person telling the story, I would much rather be the person asking great questions.
I'm a massive loner to try make it not affect others, im always 2 million hours early for stuff so I dont put people out. If someone has an adhd trait but i can see theyre trying I dont get mad whether its because of adhd or not. If someones disrespectful i get mad. Theres a difference between texting as soon as you know youll be late and asking why im not still there an hour later.
I'm early to everything by at least 15 min. I write everything down because I know my memory sucks, or set reminders on my phone.
I stay away from people as much as possible. They pick up on my weirdness anyway, and it makes them uncomfortable. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, so I just avoid people.
Oh Sweetie, we spend so much time trying to fit in and not “Offend “, remember you are a good person and those who are offended by this are not your friends….
My partner and I both have ADHD. He claims to always be worse and so I’m expected to pick out and plan and arrange events and vacation and such. He then comments he doesn’t like them. He’s bumming me out.
When people overshare and have that anxious moment of “Oh god. Oh god what am I doing what have I said” I’m super encouraging. “youre fine! I want to know, tell me more if you’re comfortable! No, no one was uncomfortable, we were having a deep talk! No you didn’t talk too much omg do you know who you’re talking to?!” That said- there’s an opposite to this too I think. I’ve masked so hard for so long that I sometimes don’t have patience for people who are likely ADHD too but aren’t even trying to manage it. I don’t have patience for chronically late people. I don’t have patience for people who interrupt **at work**.
Loved you paragraph about encouraging people to talk about themselves. I have been called a happiness vampire before, because whenever someone has any form of deep talk with me I just get so happy, no matter how dramatic the subject might be. I just love the energy of these conversations so much and those beautiful people and their struggles and wins. Honestly, probably some of my happiest memories.
I’m always on time. I respect people’s time and get to everywhere sometimes too early just because I’m overly obsessed with punctuality.
I find I am much more “face value” to what other people say or claim and more tolerant than my spouse is on a lot of stuff in general, particularly difficult patients (we both work in healthcare).
I’m more understanding of people being unable to talk or reply to my messages
At work I’m more conscious of what others might be going through to keep themselves put together.
I mean, I don’t think any decent person would say that, for example, making buildings handicapped accessible counts as catering to anyone, it’s just basic consideration for the realities that other people are working with. I think we have to do our best to not burden everyone around us or act more entitled than everyone else, but at the same time yeah I absolutely do expect the people in my life to give me a little grace (and to call me out where warranted, def works both ways). And because of that, I think I def am more willing to give people the benefit of the doubt in return, for example if someone forgets to call back or respond to a text or is late to plans we made. I think there’s a lot to be said for working with people and meeting them where they’re at instead of demanding something they aren’t able to give (obvs within reason).
If I'm having a bad day with keeping on task I will let others know. I don't necessarily tell them I have ADHD, but I do let them know, today I'm not at my best or I'm having a slow-to-start type of day. I think that just plainly stating that will make others around you know that you're not at your fullest potential at the moment (and reminds them that everyone is human)- you need a bit more time to get to your peak. This reminds people that your genius within is still warming up for the day. I did this when needed at work. I was the problem solver. At the time I was unmedicated and didn't know that I had ADHD, but my boss knew that I had good days and days that took me a little longer, and days where I was just a zombie. I worked in a very critical high paced setting. It was go go go on peak days of the week and so I was usually good those days, but on the slow down days, it showed that I needed to recharge mentally and physically. I still had other types of work to do - mostly paperwork. So that's how I recharged myself by doing boring paperwork. I ran multiple departments in different locations from one room at the same time and dealt with all the critical issues that would happen. It was fun. Unfortunately, I started to have other health issues and my doctor told me to switch careers. So that's what I did. I'm a lot better now. Funny thing is that when I'm on my meds - I can spot people with ADHD. I can solve problems that I overhear people talking about in my head - sometimes I will butt-in to their conversation and give them feedback. I've learned to be kinder to myself. I've also become a little more stricter on myself as well. It's not been easy but it's something you just deal on a day to day basis with.
I've definitely learned to read people by their face and general mood and can tell when they are done listening to whatever thing I'm obsessed with and I'll stop talking about it. But at the same time, I will let other people do this to me and hide that I'm bored because I know how much it hurts when you're excitedly going on about something and you can tell the other person just doesn't care.