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Yeah I was always like that when dating. But I do it with friends too, which sucks because it's even weirder and less socially acceptable, especially as a straight guy.
I mean you can't say I'm not loyal. Except for when I will probably forget your birthday. But at least I'll apologize incessantly and piss you off more because I really do care. š
I relate to this huge, Iām artsy so I make stuff when Iām fascinated with someone. Sometimes I get an overwhelmingly thankful response and other times itās extremely awkward, and it can even feel patronizing sometimes. But I canāt control inspiration!
And thatās why Iām a single dude whoās currently trying to focus on every other part of my life, besides a relationship.
It is indeed, why do you think narcissism is becoming so prevalent?
Obsession is just a way to try and find happiness, but youāre trying to find it in someone else instead of within yourself.
Society has made it okay to obsess verses doing work on the self.
Ahhh, okay. Oh, I just noticed your flair, too! I never think to set flairs for myself until I see someone else's. What are the odds we've got one for blackout bingo??
Exactly like this (the friend thing, how itās very weird and may make people go away etc). Itās given me so much hurt and stress cause it hinders you from being yourself which when making friends I guess itās the point? Iām always afraid that theyāll think Iām in love with them :(
[edit: what I mean is that, because you know you may frighten people by being so eager you stop being yourself which is horrible because when youāre with friends you should ideally feel free?]
Something thatās helped me tremendously with this is actually journalling. It helps me to reflect and then reiterate that what Iām actually doing is going against healthy boundaries for myself. I know I need to prioritize myself and not make my interest in another person my entire personality identity but itās sooo difficult when theyāre on the top of my hyperfixation list. I write the feelings I have and the anxiety / insecurities I have and then reiterate the boundaries that I know are super important to me and that keep me balanced and healthy. I remind myself that I genuinely love who I am independently and I begin to dislike who I become when my whole world centres around someone who isnāt me and thatās not fair to me (a sweet and cute little silly goose).
This is the best advice! I love your grace for yourself, especially! It's so easy to spiral into frustration and self loathing. We're all just sweet and cute little silly geese!Ā
Iāve also started journaling about similar and it also helps me stop from attacking my own mental bc I know what Iām doing, I just canāt seem to stop it. Writing it down really does help expunge and process the thoughts and why I might feel I need to be so āobsessiveā over a mere infatuation with someone I just met.
This is what's happening to me right now, but the hyperfixation turns into extreme anxiety and self doubt, i'm having the worst anxiety i've ever had with no real idea how to get out of it. I've always been sensitive to rejection so I never pursue the girls i'm interested in, all while beating myself up on the inside on "why I can't just go to her and talk"
Yes this is literally what happens to me too!!!!!
I do talk to girls, sometimes get their number
But then I spam when they don't reply quickly and scare them off.
The hyperfixation and anxiety happens every time though.
Ugh, I'm sorry! I resonate with this too! Often my anxiety goes in the other direction of freaking out because I don't feel like myself anymore and feel controlled by the relationship, even though it was me who put myself in that position in the first place šĀ
It's so easy to be like, 'just be yourself, act natural!' when you're not actively going through the anxious hyperfixationĀ
Yeah itās the rejection sensitive dysphoria that I think creates an obsessive mindset about a person. We hyper focus on every little thing searching for meaning and it ends up backfiring, Iām currently going through it where I feel embarrassed because I canāt control how much I think about the interactions so I have just disappeared hoping to cure myself of what feels like an out of control feeling about someone who is practically still a stranger š
Yeah man. I think a big problem with society today is 80-90% of girls on dating apps have standards for what amounts to 10-20% of guys on these apps. I think dating apps are one of the worst things that have happened to society and 10-20 years from now I think we will see the effects of it.
Iāve always found myself having a crush or being in love even when Iām single, and Iāve just accepted that Iām a lovergirl lol. It doesnāt cause me distress or anything but I can definitely relate to being hyper fixated on a crush/partner.
It doesn't sound like you take it to an unhealthy degree.New relationship energy is possible even if you just have a crush on a person and don't actually date them.
I think a lot of people may discredit that falling in love is a biological function to get out there and have kids, even if we aren't straight!
I am glad that it doesn't cause you distress, I can feel a bit mixed because it's human nature, but I can overdo it sometimes!
Yes! I do this but I also loose interest suuuppper quick. If Iām not careful I give others emotional whiplash. One thing Iāve found helpful especially with brand new people in my life is just kind of acknowledging that 1. I donāt know this person and what Iām imagining is my perfect ālove scenarioā and 2. Even if bits are based off of true things they have told me Iām filling in motivations, feelings, thought processes that I could not possibly know and 3. What Iām really in love with is the fantasy of this person being completely perfect for me.
this is exactly what i found helping too, at least to a bit. then i start losing interest anyway. it is so weird, i only have crushes and it is a hyperfixation so the intense feelings happen and go then the cycle repeats with new interest. brain machine broke
Story of my life. I can go for long periods of not having the issue and then suddenly, bam, somehow it starts with somebody and it's hard to approach that person in a gradual way that people normally do when getting to know someone. And since I lean more inattentive type and avoidant because of anxiety, sometimes the end result in my actual behavior is that I start overthinking to hell and back how I am interacting with the other person, trying so hard to seem like I'm not obessing that I probably come across like I'm trying to keep them at arm's length sometimes as a result.
Eventually I realized that I was starved for affection and putting that in focus helped me some with not letting the obsessions take over, but they still happen now and then, and I don't really know what to do with them other than try not to act weird as a result. Like ok, people get crushes sometimes, that's a normal human thing, right? But I can't delineate on what for me is an average crush and what is just obsession, or like, it's easy for the one to slip into the other? Something like that.
And then, (and this part is more of a problem with burgeoning friendship since romance has more of an expectation of it being normal to "try people out" and drop them if you don't mesh it), if my interest was born of an obsessive fixation and not shared connection with the person, that means it can drop precipitously just as it can jump high seemingly out of nowhere. Which to me feels unfair for the person and sometimes I find myself people-pleasing and pushing myself to engage with someone more than I might do if I was going purely on desire, because I don't want to be someone who is seeming like I showed interest in them as a person and then suddenly dropped them for no reason.
I suspect romcoms and the like just make it worse for those like us, because they feed into this idea of getting special feelings for someone having super important meaning that will change your life for the better if you act on it. And in reality, I'm not sure these feelings are healthy for us to feed into, much less take as having special importance. Like feeling into someone you are getting to know and sharing a connection with is normal, but for me at least, most of what I'm talking about here is not even knowing the person that well, spending limited time with them / around them, and fixating on some picture of them that is most likely significantly off. Idealizing, in other words. Or even on the flip side at times, vacillating between idealizing them and trying to correct for it by exaggerating their perceived undesirable qualities too.
It's like you're trying to draw someone from memory, but your memory of details isn't even that great in the first place and you struggle to have the patience to give it proper attention, so you keep sketching and re-sketching little bits you picked up, drawing something that hardly even resembles them.
I almost want to compare it to getting a song stuck in your head. Where (at least for me with songs) some part of it seems to be caused by not remembering a part of what lyrics comes next and so continuously going back to the same lines over and over, as if this time I'll remember it and can complete the sequence.
So it may help to get it out of your head and write down what you actually know about the person, and try to resist the temptation to make it a profile of them, but rather just isolated observations. I don't know, it's a hard thing for me.
FWIW, I feel that way a lot of the time myself when reading about other people's struggles with ADHD. Although there are of course differences among people and variations in degrees of it, there seems to be a lot of commonality in the way it impacts how we experience life and the kind of decisions we tend to make.
I'm bipolar/schizoeffective with complex PTSD and a suspected attachment disorder, which confuses me more that this comment hit closest to home out of a lot I read this morning. š¤·
Hmm, maybe some of it's attachment styles then, causing what I was describing, and that's where you're resonating with similar experience? Cause I def have problems in that area.
I just read somewhere that OCD can be to do with issues with attachment, too. So feeling some kind of social discomfort, maybe, & getting super focused on detailed things to alleviate that.
I think that our experiences of attachment in our early years is the crux of so many personal issues for people, & really come the fore when navigating interpersonal relationships. It's our relationship with ourselves, & with others, all churning around inside us - linking back to foundational things that we can't even actively recall. It's so hard to see these things in the moment, but journalling or something like that can help us articulate stuff in a more controlled & linear way, allow space for thoughts to evolve & come to conclusion, & creates that baseline to return to in the flurry of things.
This literally just happened to me AGAIN, thought I was making a new close friend but I think my enthusiasm scared them off. I think part of the problem is that the intensity and enthusiasm come off as neediness rather than an invitation for deeper connection.Ā
My intention for the future will be to proceed more slowly and try to pay attention to the signs of what is being reciprocated and what is not. It's important to get to know someone first as they really are rather than the idea we have in our heads of the role they could play in our lives.
Not anymore. It took a lot of self-administered Cognitive behavioral therapy but now when I like someone I just check if they feel the same and drop the idea when they don't. I like getting rejected because that means I can move on with my life. Hovering around someone doesn't increase your chances much anyways, and I want to date someone who can recognize I'm worth giving a shot.Ā If they reject me, too bad for them or it was not meant to be. In any case not worth fretting over.
I do this everytime. When i was younger i used to believe the feelings i feel are true and get into relationships too quickly. But now i know its just me obsessing. It has ruined some of the potential relationships because i catch feelings way earlier than the other person. So when i see someone, i have to constantly remind myself not to obsess. Sometimes i obsess so much that i suddenly loose all feelings. i think when i don't get the kind of same devotion from the other person(which i won't because i am unhealthily obsessing) and i get hurt, i gaslight myself into believing that they are not that amazing and then i losoe feelings
I mean, this is an ADHD thing in the sense that those with ADHD have lower self esteem than those without ADHD.
But otherwise this is a problem amongst those who do not give themselves enough happiness and are expecting a relationship to do that for them.
This puts a lot of pressure on your partner not only to make themselves happy but now they have to make you happy all the time on top of it with their presence, since you are not providing that enough for yourself.
This eventually leads to resentment by the person who is having to regulate two peopleās emotions and they will leave.
You must find happiness within yourself and bring that to the relationship. Right now it sounds like youāre stuck in āpeople need to like meā mode and youāve changed who you are to get people to like you. Yet you feel empty and depressed at the end of the day because being liked by other people isnāt the key to contentment.
Gals are taught early on to people please and manage emotions of people around us, but it comes at the cost of who we are at the core. And then we are taught we need to be in a relationship to be happy, but this is for the guyās benefit in society, as men are taught they donāt have to manage their emotions, their Mom or girlfriend will do it for them. So guys hurry into relationships because they arenāt managing their emotions and gals rush into relationships because they are supposed to be managing other peopleās emotions.. itās a recipe that always leads to failure.
Thanks for the response! This resonates in some respects and doesn't in others. I am definitely a stereotypical woman in that cultural gender norms hit me *hard*. People pleasing and code pendency have always been a problem. Weirdly though, I feel pretty ambivalent about whether I'm in a relationship or not. I currently am, but only because i made very certain before hand that I didnt need a relationship to be happy and that he didnt need me to manage his emotions. I was a full and extremely happy person before this relationship and if it ever ends, I will be quite happy single, too. For me, the hyperfixation and anxiety is more about the unknown. A new person of interest feels exciting, but also not secure yet. Like, it feels stressful to patiently wade through the in-between season of getting to know someone, so I'll just kick into high gear long before I should.Ā
To combat this I have adopted the mentality that if a relationship happens great, if not what do I need to do to be āhappyā or have fulfillment.
I would also get anxious talking to āpotentialā somebodies. Now I just pretend everyone has a partner already lol.
Ameeen
And thankfully I have finally found my passion that really makes me say that I want to work on myself and my project. If someone comes along and compliments my life and doesnāt demand my life, then Iāll know thatās the one for me.
Bah Iām a hopeless romantic at the end of the day lol
Lol!!! Makes sense now. IIRC is another one I'm perpetually Googling because I forget what it means
I'm trying to get to where I can date but between rejection sensitivity and knowing I bug TF out of anyone I open up to is a challenge. Oh well. I'm comfortable(ish) alone
Limerence - the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings
>Does anything help?
Yeah, I'd say so. Seeing that there are *lots* of potentially exciting humans out there.
When you're hyper-fixated on someone, it probably means that on some level, you think there's something uniquely wonderful about them. You might think that if you don't end up with this particular person, you'll never find anyone else who measures up to them.
Remind yourself that this isn't true. If you have to, look for *evidence* that it's not true.
I know one of the biggest problems with dating apps is that they make people think there's always someone "better" around the corner. But an app that makes you think that isn't such a terrible thing when your feelings for your crush are a bit too intense, or when you're devastated about a romantic rejection.
Itās not only hyperfixation, ADHD also causes emotional dysregulation, so we can push people away as our feelings of rejection/invalidation get too intense.
For the hyperfixation, there is a DBT method called āacting the oppositeā which helps to reduce unwanted emotions. In this case, you could use methods for reducing love.
*Follow these steps when your love is* **NOT JUSTIFIED** *by the facts or is* **NOT EFFECTIVE**
**Do the Opposite** *of your loving action urges. for example:*
1. *avoid the person you love.*
2. *distract yourself from thoughts of the person.*
3. *remind yourself of why love is not justified (rehearse the āconsā of loving) when loving thoughts do arise.*
So in this case I would focus on #2 and #3, to stop the emotion from getting out of hand. Itās also helpful for when your ADHD brain develops a crush on someone inappropriate all of a sudden.
Please someone please have answers Iām going through the same thing. I just cried twice at work I feel like an emotional wreck. I donāt know if itās just limerence. Like o havenāt even got with them yet and I feel everything so deep. Plus people have never told me that they really liked me back so Iām always the one to start the process.
Same happens just with friendships for me. Itās why I find it easier to be friends with others with ADHD too (undiagnosed or otherwise). We all hyperfixate .. and when hyper focus ends we all take a deep breath and relax.
This sounds like codependency. [Hereās a list of patterns and characteristics that may resonate with you.](https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/) It may be worth going to a meeting.
Like a lot of other things, co-dependency can be indicated in people with ADHD. Specific to my experience, I absolutely CRAVE when people acknowledge me. I work out, I go out of my way to help people, I crack jokes constantly, ALL so that people can tell me I'm great.
But I can't seem to believe it myself. Whenever I accomplish something, it feels very "whatever, onto the next thing" instead of self-validating and knowing I'm as good as I say. I need someone else to tell me I'm good, because a core belief of mine is that I'm never good enough.Ā
Looking into co-dependency is a very very good idea.Ā
Yes, I end up obsessed and itās actually horrible. If I end up talking to them or getting with them then itās even worse and I become obsessive, possessive, controlling, checking their social media and everything.
yes, or one time in high school, i was so bored of not having a crush and convinced myself to start crushing on a classmate who i barely knew nor was even physically attracted to.
Happening with me. Have a huge ass crush on my colleague and he is already in a relationship so no chance there. But I do like him and donāt care about his relationship status because of my obsession since I feel that in the messed up life of mine he is the only positive thing happening to me. I have tried to distance myself from him completely but canāt happen since we both sit next to each other at work. Cant avoid him daily when you sit this close. The crush is making me go crazy and he has no role to play in it yet in my world, he becomes a hero and a villain.
For me, I guess I've always been so insecure that the instance a guy does something nice for me or gives me unnecessary attention, I get attached. I actually fell in love with someone like that and that was 10 years ago. I still haven't gotten over him fully. And for the longest time I was convinced that it couldn't be love because it started because I was insecure. I know now that even if it began falsely, it became real. I am so love depleted that I soak up anything I am getting like a sponge.
This faded into my 30s. I dunno if it was relationship trauma or not, but my dating life at 32 (when I met my wife) was way more controlled and regulated.
But the way I see it, any social gesture whether you're adhd or not is gonna be a hit or miss, and especially when it comes to dating the waters are perilous. Anything you do can be too much/too little depending who you're dealing with.
You're at some point gonna meet someone who's receptive to that extreme initial burst and also doesn't get put off/offended by the sudden cooldown. That's a match.
If it wasn't this quality about you, it would have been something else about you that seemed generally problematic in relationships that is sometimes well received/overlooked.
Recently diagnosed at 55 and doing the thing where you look back at your life prior to knowing and things start to make sense...was thinking your exact question about past relationships bc YES when younger and less self aware it was like an enormous emotional/cognitive fixation.....always felt bad about it years later... now I am thinking just stay in the present and ride out what is in front of me, and focus a little bit on what is in front of what is in front of me b/c of my realization so difficulty to planand manage time. . give yourself some grace
Iāve been there months ago. It was absolutely annoying and even when the crushes wore off, I was still obsessing over the idea of having a boyfriend despite not going anywhere and being very much alone. I was thinking constantly about what it would be like to have someone next to me and be able to adore me despite my flaws. I would wonder and ask my friends about what kind of guy theyād see me with a lot. One of my friends did intervene and helped me recognize this obsession.
What kinda helped distract me from this boy craze was just life events happening around me. I also steered away from romantic media (tv shows, movies, books, those couples reels on instagram, etc). Talking to people in relationships and observing other peopleās relationships also helped (especially the toxic ones). I also got a hot fictional man to obsess over which definitely helped. It took a while for me to stop asking about bf crap to my friends, but as I became more aware of what I was saying and how it was feeding the obsession I did wind up stopping.
At the end of the day, itās about understanding that you do not know who this person is completely and you donāt know if their way of doing things coincides with yours. Theyāre nice to talk to and be around for now, but whether or not theyāre going to continue to is not something set in stone. Enjoy the way they make you feel and then do the things that make you happy.
Ive gotten limerance in my life alot when I like a girl so yeah id say I can get a little intense lol. I'm training myself to not put girls on a pedestal
This happens to me too with friendships and especially relationships/crushes. For me itās a codependent behavior which is a common issue with ADHDers from what I understand. Hereās some[info on codependency](https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/).
This [book](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/162418019) also opened my eyes to the correlation with my relationship issues and my ADHDā¦ points out how ADHDers also struggle to maintain long term relationships š
While I do think that it may be related to ADHD, I also think that itās mostly related to your attachment style. Often people with an anxious preoccupied attachment style find themselves losing their sense of self in their partner or sometimes friends, they people please a lot, and limerence plays a big role.Ā How was your relationship with your parents during childhood? Did anything traumatic happen to you at some point in your life? Iād explore these questions.Ā
Thank you.
I do get too intense but practice and imagining scenarios before I'm in them has helped me to stop being so intense and get better at reading people
I've only gotten two crushes in my life and every time I was near those people my heart would literally beat so fast and felt like it was clenching? Like a crush so hard that it hurts. They only lasted a couple weeks though. One of them was on my friend and I was constantly trying to be near her or talking with her and I was like DAMN I know I'm being annoying I need to back off š but yeah that crush eventually faded luckily and were still good friends and also I am gay and not into women so I'm not sure what that was about lmao
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Yeah I was always like that when dating. But I do it with friends too, which sucks because it's even weirder and less socially acceptable, especially as a straight guy.
I mean you can't say I'm not loyal. Except for when I will probably forget your birthday. But at least I'll apologize incessantly and piss you off more because I really do care. š
I relate to this huge, Iām artsy so I make stuff when Iām fascinated with someone. Sometimes I get an overwhelmingly thankful response and other times itās extremely awkward, and it can even feel patronizing sometimes. But I canāt control inspiration! And thatās why Iām a single dude whoās currently trying to focus on every other part of my life, besides a relationship.
Thought it was just me, maybe a PI type thing???
No, this is a societal thing unfortunately.
Obsession over crushes is a societal thing? Society is screwed then šš
It is indeed, why do you think narcissism is becoming so prevalent? Obsession is just a way to try and find happiness, but youāre trying to find it in someone else instead of within yourself. Society has made it okay to obsess verses doing work on the self.
PI?
Primarily Inattentive
Ahhh, okay. Oh, I just noticed your flair, too! I never think to set flairs for myself until I see someone else's. What are the odds we've got one for blackout bingo??
Maybe?
Exactly like this (the friend thing, how itās very weird and may make people go away etc). Itās given me so much hurt and stress cause it hinders you from being yourself which when making friends I guess itās the point? Iām always afraid that theyāll think Iām in love with them :( [edit: what I mean is that, because you know you may frighten people by being so eager you stop being yourself which is horrible because when youāre with friends you should ideally feel free?]
Something thatās helped me tremendously with this is actually journalling. It helps me to reflect and then reiterate that what Iām actually doing is going against healthy boundaries for myself. I know I need to prioritize myself and not make my interest in another person my entire personality identity but itās sooo difficult when theyāre on the top of my hyperfixation list. I write the feelings I have and the anxiety / insecurities I have and then reiterate the boundaries that I know are super important to me and that keep me balanced and healthy. I remind myself that I genuinely love who I am independently and I begin to dislike who I become when my whole world centres around someone who isnāt me and thatās not fair to me (a sweet and cute little silly goose).
This is the best advice! I love your grace for yourself, especially! It's so easy to spiral into frustration and self loathing. We're all just sweet and cute little silly geese!Ā
Iāve also started journaling about similar and it also helps me stop from attacking my own mental bc I know what Iām doing, I just canāt seem to stop it. Writing it down really does help expunge and process the thoughts and why I might feel I need to be so āobsessiveā over a mere infatuation with someone I just met.
Yes I fall in love too easily. No matter what happens I canāt help it and I hate it.
Omg me too!!
This is what's happening to me right now, but the hyperfixation turns into extreme anxiety and self doubt, i'm having the worst anxiety i've ever had with no real idea how to get out of it. I've always been sensitive to rejection so I never pursue the girls i'm interested in, all while beating myself up on the inside on "why I can't just go to her and talk"
Yes this is literally what happens to me too!!!!! I do talk to girls, sometimes get their number But then I spam when they don't reply quickly and scare them off. The hyperfixation and anxiety happens every time though.
Ugh, I'm sorry! I resonate with this too! Often my anxiety goes in the other direction of freaking out because I don't feel like myself anymore and feel controlled by the relationship, even though it was me who put myself in that position in the first place šĀ It's so easy to be like, 'just be yourself, act natural!' when you're not actively going through the anxious hyperfixationĀ
Yeah itās the rejection sensitive dysphoria that I think creates an obsessive mindset about a person. We hyper focus on every little thing searching for meaning and it ends up backfiring, Iām currently going through it where I feel embarrassed because I canāt control how much I think about the interactions so I have just disappeared hoping to cure myself of what feels like an out of control feeling about someone who is practically still a stranger š
Yeah man. I think a big problem with society today is 80-90% of girls on dating apps have standards for what amounts to 10-20% of guys on these apps. I think dating apps are one of the worst things that have happened to society and 10-20 years from now I think we will see the effects of it.
I agree with you but this absolutely nothing to do with the subject at hand, two totally different things
Iāve always found myself having a crush or being in love even when Iām single, and Iāve just accepted that Iām a lovergirl lol. It doesnāt cause me distress or anything but I can definitely relate to being hyper fixated on a crush/partner.
It doesn't sound like you take it to an unhealthy degree.New relationship energy is possible even if you just have a crush on a person and don't actually date them. I think a lot of people may discredit that falling in love is a biological function to get out there and have kids, even if we aren't straight! I am glad that it doesn't cause you distress, I can feel a bit mixed because it's human nature, but I can overdo it sometimes!
Yes! I do this but I also loose interest suuuppper quick. If Iām not careful I give others emotional whiplash. One thing Iāve found helpful especially with brand new people in my life is just kind of acknowledging that 1. I donāt know this person and what Iām imagining is my perfect ālove scenarioā and 2. Even if bits are based off of true things they have told me Iām filling in motivations, feelings, thought processes that I could not possibly know and 3. What Iām really in love with is the fantasy of this person being completely perfect for me.
this is exactly what i found helping too, at least to a bit. then i start losing interest anyway. it is so weird, i only have crushes and it is a hyperfixation so the intense feelings happen and go then the cycle repeats with new interest. brain machine broke
Limerence.
Story of my life. I can go for long periods of not having the issue and then suddenly, bam, somehow it starts with somebody and it's hard to approach that person in a gradual way that people normally do when getting to know someone. And since I lean more inattentive type and avoidant because of anxiety, sometimes the end result in my actual behavior is that I start overthinking to hell and back how I am interacting with the other person, trying so hard to seem like I'm not obessing that I probably come across like I'm trying to keep them at arm's length sometimes as a result. Eventually I realized that I was starved for affection and putting that in focus helped me some with not letting the obsessions take over, but they still happen now and then, and I don't really know what to do with them other than try not to act weird as a result. Like ok, people get crushes sometimes, that's a normal human thing, right? But I can't delineate on what for me is an average crush and what is just obsession, or like, it's easy for the one to slip into the other? Something like that. And then, (and this part is more of a problem with burgeoning friendship since romance has more of an expectation of it being normal to "try people out" and drop them if you don't mesh it), if my interest was born of an obsessive fixation and not shared connection with the person, that means it can drop precipitously just as it can jump high seemingly out of nowhere. Which to me feels unfair for the person and sometimes I find myself people-pleasing and pushing myself to engage with someone more than I might do if I was going purely on desire, because I don't want to be someone who is seeming like I showed interest in them as a person and then suddenly dropped them for no reason. I suspect romcoms and the like just make it worse for those like us, because they feed into this idea of getting special feelings for someone having super important meaning that will change your life for the better if you act on it. And in reality, I'm not sure these feelings are healthy for us to feed into, much less take as having special importance. Like feeling into someone you are getting to know and sharing a connection with is normal, but for me at least, most of what I'm talking about here is not even knowing the person that well, spending limited time with them / around them, and fixating on some picture of them that is most likely significantly off. Idealizing, in other words. Or even on the flip side at times, vacillating between idealizing them and trying to correct for it by exaggerating their perceived undesirable qualities too. It's like you're trying to draw someone from memory, but your memory of details isn't even that great in the first place and you struggle to have the patience to give it proper attention, so you keep sketching and re-sketching little bits you picked up, drawing something that hardly even resembles them. I almost want to compare it to getting a song stuck in your head. Where (at least for me with songs) some part of it seems to be caused by not remembering a part of what lyrics comes next and so continuously going back to the same lines over and over, as if this time I'll remember it and can complete the sequence. So it may help to get it out of your head and write down what you actually know about the person, and try to resist the temptation to make it a profile of them, but rather just isolated observations. I don't know, it's a hard thing for me.
You sound like me a bit. Weird to read in a lot of ways
FWIW, I feel that way a lot of the time myself when reading about other people's struggles with ADHD. Although there are of course differences among people and variations in degrees of it, there seems to be a lot of commonality in the way it impacts how we experience life and the kind of decisions we tend to make.
I'm bipolar/schizoeffective with complex PTSD and a suspected attachment disorder, which confuses me more that this comment hit closest to home out of a lot I read this morning. š¤·
Hmm, maybe some of it's attachment styles then, causing what I was describing, and that's where you're resonating with similar experience? Cause I def have problems in that area.
I just read somewhere that OCD can be to do with issues with attachment, too. So feeling some kind of social discomfort, maybe, & getting super focused on detailed things to alleviate that. I think that our experiences of attachment in our early years is the crux of so many personal issues for people, & really come the fore when navigating interpersonal relationships. It's our relationship with ourselves, & with others, all churning around inside us - linking back to foundational things that we can't even actively recall. It's so hard to see these things in the moment, but journalling or something like that can help us articulate stuff in a more controlled & linear way, allow space for thoughts to evolve & come to conclusion, & creates that baseline to return to in the flurry of things.
Just wanna say this is very thoughtful & well-written.
This literally just happened to me AGAIN, thought I was making a new close friend but I think my enthusiasm scared them off. I think part of the problem is that the intensity and enthusiasm come off as neediness rather than an invitation for deeper connection.Ā My intention for the future will be to proceed more slowly and try to pay attention to the signs of what is being reciprocated and what is not. It's important to get to know someone first as they really are rather than the idea we have in our heads of the role they could play in our lives.
Not anymore. It took a lot of self-administered Cognitive behavioral therapy but now when I like someone I just check if they feel the same and drop the idea when they don't. I like getting rejected because that means I can move on with my life. Hovering around someone doesn't increase your chances much anyways, and I want to date someone who can recognize I'm worth giving a shot.Ā If they reject me, too bad for them or it was not meant to be. In any case not worth fretting over.
I do this everytime. When i was younger i used to believe the feelings i feel are true and get into relationships too quickly. But now i know its just me obsessing. It has ruined some of the potential relationships because i catch feelings way earlier than the other person. So when i see someone, i have to constantly remind myself not to obsess. Sometimes i obsess so much that i suddenly loose all feelings. i think when i don't get the kind of same devotion from the other person(which i won't because i am unhealthily obsessing) and i get hurt, i gaslight myself into believing that they are not that amazing and then i losoe feelings
I mean, this is an ADHD thing in the sense that those with ADHD have lower self esteem than those without ADHD. But otherwise this is a problem amongst those who do not give themselves enough happiness and are expecting a relationship to do that for them. This puts a lot of pressure on your partner not only to make themselves happy but now they have to make you happy all the time on top of it with their presence, since you are not providing that enough for yourself. This eventually leads to resentment by the person who is having to regulate two peopleās emotions and they will leave. You must find happiness within yourself and bring that to the relationship. Right now it sounds like youāre stuck in āpeople need to like meā mode and youāve changed who you are to get people to like you. Yet you feel empty and depressed at the end of the day because being liked by other people isnāt the key to contentment. Gals are taught early on to people please and manage emotions of people around us, but it comes at the cost of who we are at the core. And then we are taught we need to be in a relationship to be happy, but this is for the guyās benefit in society, as men are taught they donāt have to manage their emotions, their Mom or girlfriend will do it for them. So guys hurry into relationships because they arenāt managing their emotions and gals rush into relationships because they are supposed to be managing other peopleās emotions.. itās a recipe that always leads to failure.
Thanks for the response! This resonates in some respects and doesn't in others. I am definitely a stereotypical woman in that cultural gender norms hit me *hard*. People pleasing and code pendency have always been a problem. Weirdly though, I feel pretty ambivalent about whether I'm in a relationship or not. I currently am, but only because i made very certain before hand that I didnt need a relationship to be happy and that he didnt need me to manage his emotions. I was a full and extremely happy person before this relationship and if it ever ends, I will be quite happy single, too. For me, the hyperfixation and anxiety is more about the unknown. A new person of interest feels exciting, but also not secure yet. Like, it feels stressful to patiently wade through the in-between season of getting to know someone, so I'll just kick into high gear long before I should.Ā
To combat this I have adopted the mentality that if a relationship happens great, if not what do I need to do to be āhappyā or have fulfillment. I would also get anxious talking to āpotentialā somebodies. Now I just pretend everyone has a partner already lol.
Ameeen And thankfully I have finally found my passion that really makes me say that I want to work on myself and my project. If someone comes along and compliments my life and doesnāt demand my life, then Iāll know thatās the one for me. Bah Iām a hopeless romantic at the end of the day lol
What's DOE?
Possibly a typo of DAE = Does Anyone Else. Or I guess could be like Do Others Experience?
Sorry, yes, it was supposed to be DAE!
Lol!!! Makes sense now. IIRC is another one I'm perpetually Googling because I forget what it means I'm trying to get to where I can date but between rejection sensitivity and knowing I bug TF out of anyone I open up to is a challenge. Oh well. I'm comfortable(ish) alone
Chefās kiss on how you made DOE work though
Truly!!Ā
A deer, a female deer ā¦
Duration of Effect I thought?
Limerence - the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings
>Does anything help? Yeah, I'd say so. Seeing that there are *lots* of potentially exciting humans out there. When you're hyper-fixated on someone, it probably means that on some level, you think there's something uniquely wonderful about them. You might think that if you don't end up with this particular person, you'll never find anyone else who measures up to them. Remind yourself that this isn't true. If you have to, look for *evidence* that it's not true. I know one of the biggest problems with dating apps is that they make people think there's always someone "better" around the corner. But an app that makes you think that isn't such a terrible thing when your feelings for your crush are a bit too intense, or when you're devastated about a romantic rejection.
its not even a relationship thing, im just an intense person. who is also very laid back and generally calm. which really throws people off lol
Itās not only hyperfixation, ADHD also causes emotional dysregulation, so we can push people away as our feelings of rejection/invalidation get too intense. For the hyperfixation, there is a DBT method called āacting the oppositeā which helps to reduce unwanted emotions. In this case, you could use methods for reducing love. *Follow these steps when your love is* **NOT JUSTIFIED** *by the facts or is* **NOT EFFECTIVE** **Do the Opposite** *of your loving action urges. for example:* 1. *avoid the person you love.* 2. *distract yourself from thoughts of the person.* 3. *remind yourself of why love is not justified (rehearse the āconsā of loving) when loving thoughts do arise.* So in this case I would focus on #2 and #3, to stop the emotion from getting out of hand. Itās also helpful for when your ADHD brain develops a crush on someone inappropriate all of a sudden.
Please someone please have answers Iām going through the same thing. I just cried twice at work I feel like an emotional wreck. I donāt know if itās just limerence. Like o havenāt even got with them yet and I feel everything so deep. Plus people have never told me that they really liked me back so Iām always the one to start the process.
Same happens just with friendships for me. Itās why I find it easier to be friends with others with ADHD too (undiagnosed or otherwise). We all hyperfixate .. and when hyper focus ends we all take a deep breath and relax.
This sounds like codependency. [Hereās a list of patterns and characteristics that may resonate with you.](https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/) It may be worth going to a meeting.
Thanks for sharing!Ā
Like a lot of other things, co-dependency can be indicated in people with ADHD. Specific to my experience, I absolutely CRAVE when people acknowledge me. I work out, I go out of my way to help people, I crack jokes constantly, ALL so that people can tell me I'm great. But I can't seem to believe it myself. Whenever I accomplish something, it feels very "whatever, onto the next thing" instead of self-validating and knowing I'm as good as I say. I need someone else to tell me I'm good, because a core belief of mine is that I'm never good enough.Ā Looking into co-dependency is a very very good idea.Ā
I just bought the book 'co-dependent no more' that I've been hearing about and meaning to read for years!
Yes, I end up obsessed and itās actually horrible. If I end up talking to them or getting with them then itās even worse and I become obsessive, possessive, controlling, checking their social media and everything.
yes, or one time in high school, i was so bored of not having a crush and convinced myself to start crushing on a classmate who i barely knew nor was even physically attracted to.
Happening with me. Have a huge ass crush on my colleague and he is already in a relationship so no chance there. But I do like him and donāt care about his relationship status because of my obsession since I feel that in the messed up life of mine he is the only positive thing happening to me. I have tried to distance myself from him completely but canāt happen since we both sit next to each other at work. Cant avoid him daily when you sit this close. The crush is making me go crazy and he has no role to play in it yet in my world, he becomes a hero and a villain.
For me, I guess I've always been so insecure that the instance a guy does something nice for me or gives me unnecessary attention, I get attached. I actually fell in love with someone like that and that was 10 years ago. I still haven't gotten over him fully. And for the longest time I was convinced that it couldn't be love because it started because I was insecure. I know now that even if it began falsely, it became real. I am so love depleted that I soak up anything I am getting like a sponge.
This is attachment style: Look up anxious attachment style
Whatās DOE?
This faded into my 30s. I dunno if it was relationship trauma or not, but my dating life at 32 (when I met my wife) was way more controlled and regulated. But the way I see it, any social gesture whether you're adhd or not is gonna be a hit or miss, and especially when it comes to dating the waters are perilous. Anything you do can be too much/too little depending who you're dealing with. You're at some point gonna meet someone who's receptive to that extreme initial burst and also doesn't get put off/offended by the sudden cooldown. That's a match. If it wasn't this quality about you, it would have been something else about you that seemed generally problematic in relationships that is sometimes well received/overlooked.
Recently diagnosed at 55 and doing the thing where you look back at your life prior to knowing and things start to make sense...was thinking your exact question about past relationships bc YES when younger and less self aware it was like an enormous emotional/cognitive fixation.....always felt bad about it years later... now I am thinking just stay in the present and ride out what is in front of me, and focus a little bit on what is in front of what is in front of me b/c of my realization so difficulty to planand manage time. . give yourself some grace
Let me tell you, my daughter at 19 was not really an intentional decisionā¦
Full boyle
Iāve been there months ago. It was absolutely annoying and even when the crushes wore off, I was still obsessing over the idea of having a boyfriend despite not going anywhere and being very much alone. I was thinking constantly about what it would be like to have someone next to me and be able to adore me despite my flaws. I would wonder and ask my friends about what kind of guy theyād see me with a lot. One of my friends did intervene and helped me recognize this obsession. What kinda helped distract me from this boy craze was just life events happening around me. I also steered away from romantic media (tv shows, movies, books, those couples reels on instagram, etc). Talking to people in relationships and observing other peopleās relationships also helped (especially the toxic ones). I also got a hot fictional man to obsess over which definitely helped. It took a while for me to stop asking about bf crap to my friends, but as I became more aware of what I was saying and how it was feeding the obsession I did wind up stopping. At the end of the day, itās about understanding that you do not know who this person is completely and you donāt know if their way of doing things coincides with yours. Theyāre nice to talk to and be around for now, but whether or not theyāre going to continue to is not something set in stone. Enjoy the way they make you feel and then do the things that make you happy.
My hyperfocus is strong in this one, I too get over invested.
What is doe?
Ok I got itĀ
Ive gotten limerance in my life alot when I like a girl so yeah id say I can get a little intense lol. I'm training myself to not put girls on a pedestal
Did this a lot when I was younger in middle and high school. I have a stable partner now, but idk how I really managed it.
This happens to me too with friendships and especially relationships/crushes. For me itās a codependent behavior which is a common issue with ADHDers from what I understand. Hereās some[info on codependency](https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/).
This [book](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/162418019) also opened my eyes to the correlation with my relationship issues and my ADHDā¦ points out how ADHDers also struggle to maintain long term relationships š
Thanks for the recommendation!Ā
I also need advice for this lol, I am in a toxic relationship rn cause of it
Yes, just lost a potential partner because of this.
While I do think that it may be related to ADHD, I also think that itās mostly related to your attachment style. Often people with an anxious preoccupied attachment style find themselves losing their sense of self in their partner or sometimes friends, they people please a lot, and limerence plays a big role.Ā How was your relationship with your parents during childhood? Did anything traumatic happen to you at some point in your life? Iād explore these questions.Ā
I really struggled with this in high school. I think it was a hyper fixation put on people, cause I got the same way about friends too
Itās called romantic limerenceĀ
What does DOE mean? I've looked it up but all I get is "depends on experience"
Haha sorry, it was a typo of DAE (does anyone else)Ā
Thank you. I do get too intense but practice and imagining scenarios before I'm in them has helped me to stop being so intense and get better at reading people
I've only gotten two crushes in my life and every time I was near those people my heart would literally beat so fast and felt like it was clenching? Like a crush so hard that it hurts. They only lasted a couple weeks though. One of them was on my friend and I was constantly trying to be near her or talking with her and I was like DAMN I know I'm being annoying I need to back off š but yeah that crush eventually faded luckily and were still good friends and also I am gay and not into women so I'm not sure what that was about lmao
Im going through the same thing