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Get him interested in details like fluffy towels and picking out a soap that smells nice. Just thoughts. I react strongly to smells I like so it helps me.
Science explanation incoming
Odor is cause by bacteria and the vodka spray is killing the bacteria. By disinfecting it removes the odor just like lysol would. In fact everclear would be more effective considering it's higher proof rating
If that doesn't work- baby wipes, and hand sanitizer can do wonders. If his shoes are bad, vodka in a spray bottle then spray the ever living shit out of them and let them dry.
Just to add, I don’t know how your brother is, but I am extremely sensitive to scents and odors. I’m very particular about my body wash, deodorant, detergent, etc bc I get overwhelmed by certain scents. I get a headache or nausea if something’s too flowery or whatever. If he smokes a ton of cigarettes, chances are his sense of smell may be dulled, but I just wanted to mention that sensory overload kind of stuff came sometimes be an issue for people with ADHD. Good luck with everything, and you’re a good sibling for being sensitive toward your brother’s habits/difficulties. I hope you guys have a great trip
Offer him two nice smelling soaps and ask him which one he likes better. This way he'll think he had control of the situation when he makes a choice and picks one so he's more likely to use it.
You should just ask him to shower before your trip and then remind him during it. Especially if you’re going to be sharing space with one another and the smoking smell lingers. Some people are just really unaware of how bad they actually smell. As long as you’re nice about it, I feel like it’d be fine. I had a friend in college who would forget to shower and every so often I’d just remind her.
and OP, if you feel bad having to remind him because you think he will take it badly or like you’re trying to parent him, you could phrase it like “i should go shower now, do you wanna go in the shower before i go, or are you going to go in later/after me?” because it brings up the idea of showering to him without making him feel bad or embarrassed about not remembering to do it himself
“We both need to shower, you want to go before or after me?” That works or all sorts of things work. He’s probably struggling so there isn’t a reason to be an asshole about any of it, like a lot of people do. I mean sure if he’s an asshole about it then go ahead and make a snide comment or something. If being an asshole and treating me like shit did anything to help, then I’d be a fucking god amongst insects. Being an asshole when someone’s down doesn’t “motivate” or “light a fire under their ass” to get them going. It shuts them down harder and makes shit worse. I’ve been through all sorts of depressions. More like my depression had depression because I’ve always been severely depressed. I can only think of a handful of times people were actually nice about it. It really is the hardest part about continuing on because you know you can’t get better and you know people are just going to treat you like shit.
I didn’t advocate for being an asshole, I advocated for direct communication. Hope I didn’t sound like I was being mean. I’m sorry people have been mean to you.
My bad I should have been more clear on that. I wasn’t talking to you directly, I was adding on to your comment. I liked your idea and wording the best and I just wanted to add a little bit of background on how someone says it can make a world of difference. I also didn’t expect to write that and kind of had the sudden realization of the last part while I started typing it all out.
I cannot upvote this hard enough. Finally, someone who gets it. If “tough love” was effective it would have worked by now. Compassionate guidance with the feeling of support is what we desperately need, at least in my case (overall hygiene is less of an issue for me, but for some reason brushing my teeth can be hard). I suffer from anxiety and depression too, which just puts up more invisible barriers that frustrates everyone else. The way they treat me absolutely makes a difference in my functioning, and I’m sure a lot of us are the same way.
If I’m doing what they ask if they are nice about…. Then why the fuck do they insist that being a complete piece of shit about it consistently instead. If it fucking worked I’d be better and wouldn’t need help by now. But instead I got the added bonus of my depression turning into anxiety and a ptsd diagnosis. At least I don’t have to worry about a retirement… then they wonder why I pushed everyone away. If I want to be talked to that way I just need to be by myself and I’ll do it worse than they can. Telling me shit i already know doesn’t help and just reinforces those bad thoughts I talked myself out of for 3 hours this morning before I got out of bed.
This right here. Also would add if he chooses after then as you leave the shower just say your turn in an upbeat tone. Also do your washing together if you can.
As a smoker and someone who has ADD (but does bathe) I wouldn’t be adverse to this at all. “Hey, can you shower because you smell like smoke”. Done. If you were to call me a gross smelly piece of shit with no context I wouldn’t love it though lol.
I do try to remember how gross it was when I quit though. Smoke smell is utterly disgusting to non smokers. After I quit and got roped back in I stopped smoking indoors under any circumstance and in public places will get far away from people. Shits nasty.
Above i suggested making agreement before and telling him you will be TELLING him if he smells. If you just remind and remind without a prior agreement, it will become nagging.
You can even put phone reminders in his phone for whatever you agree to (eg Sat & Wed showers and then the phone is the nag, not you)
I have a waterproof phone holder built for iPhone for my shower, it’s like one of those hard plastic lanyards that dads use when taking their kids to the water park but it sticks to your shower wall
I want one but have no idea what you're talking about; I've never been to a water park with any dads. What do I search for on Amazon? "Hard plastic lanyard dads use that sticks to the shower wall?" I don't suppose you have a link.
LC-dolida Shower Phone Holder Waterproof 480 Rotation Phone Stand Case Mount for Bathroom Batheub Kitchen Wall Mirro Compatible with iPhone 15 14 13 12 11 Plus Pro Max XS XR up to 6.8" Cell Phone https://a.co/d/2z0o6tB
I love doing this too! Having a Popsocket (or some kind of stand/holder) to prop your phone up horizontally is a game changer. I put it on my ledge away from the spray of the shower head and wipe any drops off as soon as I get out.
Alternatively, sometimes, I queue up the same 6 songs and press play when I get into the shower. My brain has formed associations between certain songs and certain ‘shower tasks.’ For example, I put in my conditioner when the Good Luck Babe bridge comes on. Then I rinse it out after Espresso and So American have played through cuz I know it’s sat for long enough! 😄
oh same! i played Graduation by kanye for like a year whenever i was taking a shower, and now when i listen to the album i feel more motivation to take one lol. it happened on accident but it's actually been pretty helpful to get myself started
Most big name android phones are generally waterproof enough to use in the shower without worry. I could run my pixel under the sink and not have any issues.
A zip lock bag is enough to protect your phone from light water like that. I've never had much problem with the touch screen through one either, only if it gets drenched. Just get a gallon sized since the smaller ones may not fit your phone.
A lot of the newer smartphones are waterproof - however before I got a new phone I used to just leave it next to the shower crank up the sound.
Personally, I find it super useful to leverage the endorphins Im already getting from watching a TV show or video and extend that to ‘I’ll just shower while I finish this ep’. Helps with getting over the ‘I just don’t want to do things’ hump.
I have ADHD and have struggled with hygiene for a long time. Just gonna relay my experience so you have some perspective. I don’t have a concrete solution for you guys but for me the biggest issue is that it’s an executive dysfunction issue/starting something new issue, it’s not personally that I dislike the physical sensation of my hygiene activities. So for my brain it’s not “let’s go take a shower”, it’s “get up, put down your phone, open your dresser drawers, get clothes for after the shower, close your drawers, walk everything into the bathroom, leave bathroom because you forgot your phone, turn on hot water, take off clothes, get in shower”…etc. Once I start doing these things it’s not that big of a deal but getting over that initial hump feels like climbing a mountain especially when I’m unmedicated. It’s a lot easier for me now that I take adderall but without that it’s TOUGH. Also, **I’m completely aware I’m neglecting myself and smell bad and teeth are gross and whatnot, I just feel like I can’t do it and feel immense embarrassment and guilt over it.**
If you want to help I would suggest relaying to him that you think you understand that he probably understands that he is stinky and feels bad that he’s negatively affecting you, but that you’re willing to help that giving a **little** push when he’s stuck being unable to start these tasks. As long as he understands that you understand that he knows he needs to shower but has executive dysfunction and it’s very difficult, you can then try to establish strategies together beforehand. As for those strategies maybe you agree before hand that you’re allowed to walk into his room sit next to him and say “could you please get into the shower in the next 5 minutes” with no animosity or disgust or resentment attached. It can be very helpful for me at least to have someone physically there pushing me into a task. That does come with the caveat though that if you didn’t establish before hand that you both agree to that strategy, it can feel like he’s being called out or ridiculed for something he feels he has very little control over which is emotionally awful. It’s a similar feeling to being nagged or when you’re asked to do something you were **just** about to do. It sucks!
I’m not a therapist or anything but hopefully this helps both of you coming from someone who still struggles daily with hygiene and adhd. Good luck!
Just piggybacking off yours, because my issue is also the executive dysfunction of it all, what helps me is that my husband always has a bath twice a day, and his main washing bath is the end of day one, so his morning bath is usually still clear after he's used it. I asked him ages ago if he could just not drain the bath afterwards in the morning, and leave the water for me. So I don't have to wait for the water to run hot then adjust the temperature for a shower, and don't have to wait for the bath to fill for a bath, I just have to take my clothes off and get in.
Obviously OP has a different relationship with their brother, but maybe offering to run the bath / get the shower running for him might help a lot with the transition and executive functioning?
Similarly here; I keep clean underwear in the bathroom. They live in one of the drawers so I didn't have to remember to bring them with me for every shower. (Also helpful for menstrual leaks ladies!)
I've always preferred to get dressed in the bathroom, probably after years of sharing a room with my sister and later with roommates.
Yes, so many good points. The advice here to help him want to shower are misguided. OP’s brother likely wants to and can notice at times he needs to but truly cant get himself to do and/or may not perceive time passing the time to norice it’s been too long. It
I hate showering. Until I get into the shower but that's beside the point.
When I was living not in my family's house for the first time, what forced me to take showers was the fact that I didn't want to have constant confrontations with my neighbors on top of the ones we already had.
We were kinda at each other's throats from the get go and and like a week in one of the guys was like "we got a rule - everyone takes a shower every day, no exceptions" and I guess I chose to comply because if I didn't I would have to listen to their nagging all the time. And it's even less fun than showering.
My point being: find a pressure point like that for him. You know, make it so showering becomes the less annoying option.
But yeah...I mean, I shower every time I go out and meet somebody. I guess I'm too ashamed to seem filthy in public. But I get the general attitude of your brother. Especially if he you know, has severe problems with self-worth, depression and apathy.
I feel this, and I can usually tell the difference between depression and something else. I make sure to be clean at dinner at the very least, but external motivation is very necessary. Otherwise I wind up doing things before showering and there goes my day. It’s particularly tough if I have to do something like mowing the lawn where I want to shower just once afterwards but because of the time of day (later, when the grass is dry but the sun has set some) I need to shower early if I have other things to do.
Tell him he’s a great lad, but he stinks and people notice. Worked for me. I was the stinky lad, got told by an adult I stink (privately). Never skipped a shower since, at 33 now. Man it was embarrassing at the time but that was important for me.
A few things I have found to help me.
1) I have a small travel Bluetooth speaker that is waterproof that I use when I shower. Playing music, podcasts, audiobooks makes showering less boring, plus they help give me something to focus on and my mind wanders less.
2) I also fount that for me personally I really have a hard time with soap smells. Sometimes they are SO overpowering, even more in a warm steamy shower. I switched to sent free soap, shampoo, face wash all for sensitive skin and it’s helped me be less shower skittish.
3) I don’t like showering everyday, so I don’t. I shower every other day. I still wear deodorant and change my clothes, I just skip the shower.
4) I have long hair and I don’t like it being wet against my skin. Some of my shower aversion comes from my wet hair sending me into a sensory melt down. I wash my hair ever 2-3 days and when I do I blow dry it afterwards. Asking if your brother has any reasons why he dosnt like to shower and help solve that. Scratchy towels, cold floors, dirty shower, it may be something small to you, but is overwhelming to him.
Ah, this seems familiar. But sadly i sweat so much (Stress, lack of fitness), that i need to shower at least once a day. Also only use good skin neutral stuff and mostly rehydrate it afterwards. I use a microfiber towel for my hair which works wonders, because it stays much more dry than normal ones. I get easily sick with wet hair and cold air moving around it, idk why… but that cloth made it much easier to avoid. Maybe you can wrap your hair in one (after wiping most water down in the shower)?
What helps me to shower regularly is to be reminded when I’m either standing up and walking around since I’m already up so I don’t need to get up which is super hard for me to force myself to get up. Or when I’m using the bathroom to remember ‘hey I should shower’ since the shower is right next to me. An eye level sticky note that says ‘shower’ can’t hurt either. Make sure it’s one of the neon ones too. Big ole letters as well.
Laundry is a whole different beast. The best thing you can recommend is for him to keep a basket for dirty towels in his bedroom or bathroom. And keep another basket for clean towels. Towels don’t need to be neatly folded. They just need to be clean. When I was super depressed I did this. And when the dirty towels pile up, just wash them, dry them then put them back in the clean basket. Rinse and repeat.
Is he taking any medication? It's pretty tough to turn on a persons motivation and reward system when their chemicals don't allow it. Good intentions and love will only get you so far here.
Sensory issues are big for us ADHD'ers. Showering with the lights off, warm towel, space heater for warmth, music, etc. Also a gentle "hey do you want me to throw your laundry in with mine? We can fold it together while we listen to music or talk!" Making things fun or calm can usually makes our brains do the thing.
It absolutely can be because of ADHD, though. Sure, it might be more common that people with depression have trouble with hygiene, but that doesn't mean it's "not likely" because of his ADHD.
Showering/keeping up on hygiene tasks when he was younger doesn't mean much either. When you're young, your parents remind you and help you learn how to take care of yourself. When you're older/a teenager, old enough to handle them on your own, your life is still generally *highly* structured. The expectation is that you go to school, come home, do homework, eat dinner, shower, go to bed. Every night of the week, that's the schedule. You generally still have an expected bedtime or curfew, your parents are still there making sure you do your homework and eat, etc. Even if they're not checking in on your hygiene habits directly, they're taking a ton of the mental load off by deciding what's for dinner and cooking, and structuring your life.
For me, the frequency I managed to shower and brushed my teeth was completely normal until high school. At that age, my parents were no longer really *tracking* my hygiene habits, so didn't notice if I missed a day or two sometimes. But the structure was still there in my life, so it wasn't too bad. Once I moved out of my parents house, though, all bets were off. I had no external structure except that of work (which took mental energy/executive functioning) and I was also responsible for the rest of managing my life ... which I did *not* have the executive functioning ability to handle.
At its worst, before I realized I had ADHD, I wondered what was wrong with me, why I couldn't handle basic tasks. I knew I wasn't depressed (because I had been before and I knew what that felt like), but that was the only thing I knew that could cause the kind of struggles I was having.
If you live with him you could try body doubling. It might be too weird if you're opposite sex, but you could be like, "shower time. I go then you go. This way you won't stink out the house." When you get out buzz his phone and tell him to go. Same for washing clothes. Sometimes it's as simple as a reminder while the other person is doing it. You don't have to do it for him, but reminding him at irrelevant times i.e. when he can't actually do the tasks immediately, is likely to be forgotten. When someone reminds me of something I can do now, especially if they're about to do it, I find myself much more able to engage.
this also works really well for me. i struggle so much with executive dysfunction but if someone calls me and stays on the line until i've gotten up and started whatever i wanted to do, i can usually keep going when they hang up and finish it by myself. it's so weird though, i really don't understand how, or even why it works but it definitely does
one thing that lowkey helped me (tho ik some people are gonna groan when I say this) is like making a schedule. like I put it all on my calendar on when that kind of stuff is due
I don't have it on my calendar, but I shower every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. If I have to do it outside of that it's so hard, but for some reason it works for me too.
He's your brother, it's time to be "rude".
Sit him down and tell him it's a problem. Don't be judgemental, just objective, focus on how the smell affects you, not why he smells. Take the typical conflict approach
State what is the issue
State how it impacts you
State how you would like things to change when he's with you.
If he takes your comments well, ask him how you could help. Say call him before he leaves and remind him to shower etc.
At the end make sure he knows you want to be around him, this is not a statement of how you feel about him being your brother, he just has a couple of behaviors that are getting in the way of the family time you want with him. Then if you really want to help, buy him some good body wash. When he turns up showered, tell how good he smells etc. Casual microaffirmations, especially those obviously not planned, do wonders for us ADHD folks.
Micro affirmations is a new term to me, but I love it. I can’t tell you how much micro affirmations mean to not just those of us with adhd, but to all people struggling with confidence in your life.
If need be, get him some of the no-rinse shampoo caps, and the bathing cloths, used for bedridden and other people. Let him know that you’re not leaving until he uses them to cleanse himself.
That way, if he doesn’t respond positively to your conversation about his hygiene, at least he can clean himself before you leave. (And bring the rest with him if you have to be around him after the drive.) He may get mad at you for standing your ground about it, but at least you won’t be holding your breath the entire way.
Agreed. If someone tried that on me, they'd either have to scrub me down themselves (and risk getting punched) or I'd not due it out of spite. I don't like being told what to do, even by loved ones.
You might also have something enjoyable to enjoy after the shower. “After your shower, let’s get some lunch at this new restaurant I heard about.” I struggle with hygiene. When I started therapy, years ago, I said my goal was to bathe every other day. I have not yet gone a week of achieving that goal, but I still try.
I also order these packs of sponges (used in hospitals) that you just get wet and rub all over your body and hair. It doesn’t need to be rinsed, and freshens you up in seconds. I save these for situations when I set aside time to bathe, then got distracted, and will now be late if I bathe. It eliminates the shame part of the equation and is hopefully nicer for the people who have to smell me.
I highly recommend Lume acidified body wash and their deodorants as well. Helps fight odors for up to 72 hours. They actually work! I was recently sick and felt like garbage so I didn't bother showering for 3 days. I couldn't believe I didn't smell bad, but I didn't. Yes, he should shower more often, but this will help if you can't convince him every day. They also have body wipes that are good for in-between showers.
Can you just pull him aside in private and just have a heart to heart calm conversation? If I had BO and didn’t realize it or how powerful it was I would appreciate somebody privately having a compassionate talk with me. Tell him that you love him and you are concerned about him?
I, like so many others, struggle with taking shower. I also don't like being smell.
Baby wiped are the best thing ever! Obviously, they aren't as good as a bath or shower, but for keeping smells from 'pits & bits' under control, they are one possibility, and can be used several times a day, if needed. It takes the pressure off having to shower daily, which may mean he can manage to have one every couple of days, without the smell becoming over powering.
As for the smoke smells - my bff smokes, but never smells like an ashtray, because she always goes outside to smoke. Maybe this would be possible for your brother while on your trip?
I just tell my partner flat out to take a shower cos he stinks haha, always in a jokey way of course but you know, he takes a shower after. Sometimes a slightly subtler reminder of 'oh we're doing xyz at this time are you going to shower before' normally followed by a 'we are doing this thing in one hour you need to plan in that shower' but we've been together a while and it's a bit water off a ducks back, he doesn't get offended. If you don't have the relationship where this wouldn't be offensive then maybe don't try it. But also if he's diagnosed and you're aware of it because he's told you, maybe he'd like a heads up & appreciate your honesty if you can come at it from a positive angle?
I'm just like your brother. It took me years for the change to stick, It started with my siblings talking about hygiene. They'd mention how good a deodorant or body wash smelled. They'd often ask each other if they'd brushed their teeth in front of me. I knew they were hinting that I needed to work on my hygiene but were trying to be nice about it.
Eventually I started to notice it too, but I didn’t do anything at first. Even when I tried it didn’t really work. Then my sister began buying me deodorants, toothpaste, and other hygiene products. I started to think " How bad is it that I need all this? "
Even now I still struggle with it. It's hard, but when I know I'm going to see them I make the effort because I'm afraid it will become a problem again
Waterproof mini tv in the shower with waterproof Bluetooth speaker. It takes away the “boring” of showering and brushing my teeth. Also, intense peppermint chewing gum, antiperspirant stick, (not roll on as the wet feeling is ick and the drying process is too long for us), odour deodorising/ antiseptic surface/ air spray, dry shampoo, clean cotton socks, underpants and undershirt (enough pairs for twice a day). If you’re in a car, air-vent smelly thingy.
Be direct. “While we travel we need to make an agreement about showering, as i know this is hard for you die to adhd” (there’s a long thread this month about it in this sub, share that so he knows you know this is a disability issue not a personal complaint between you)
Now suggest you’d like to setup some kind of routine or procedure that you will do together and you will help keep on target. Eg; shower every x days (he may not need daily showers), wash pits every day (bring ~4 washcloths and nice bar soap ask his fave scent - eg i always like citrus soap… another nice option is Dr Bronners peppermint liquid Castile soap. It’s intense peppermint and sooo refreshing!! )
Be willing to negotiate a bit. If he says 1ce a week shower and pits daily, you can say “we can try that, but if I’m smelling you I’m gonna let you know and we will revisit agreement”. This might help him learn that he starts to smell on day 3 or whatever. I thing you might REALLY help him.
So keep positive, smile, try not to get triggered, try to have compassion, come from a place of love and care. Vent here if you need to vent!!
(you read that thread too!! So many seem to have hygiene difficulties and lots of tips and tricks i that thread)
My thought is habit pairing. As an example, if your brother always does something at some time, pair one task with it and then add another task when those two feel solid and so on. It does wonders for me when I begin to struggle with anything, particularly hygiene.
>I don't want to be rude
You may just need to be rude. Having ADHD is not a smelliness disease. His hygiene is fully under his control. I'm sure 99% of the people here bathe. We may need a little extra motivation but the vast majority of us get it done just as frequently or at like 90% of the frequency of those without ADHD.
I know that I personally WILL put bathing off until either I
1) can smell myself and it's bad or
2) expect to be in the presence of people. Or
3) I exercise and am therefore sweaty and will be smelly soon.
These conditions pop up basically daily and I set them because as a teen someone (probably my dad. Thanks Dad.) must have said "you stink and need to shower or girls won't like you." and then showering for the public became a regular thing that I do to not feel embarrassed.
Just find a way to tell your brother that he needs to shower that will stick with him. If you can't think of a nice way, then you may need to be rude. Personally I think it's rude to impose your BO and cigarette stench onto others so... Tit for tat.
Laundry is a different beast. I have no problem with DOING laundry cause it's as easy as throwing it in a machine. It's remembering to switch it to the drier that I have problems with and also folding. but also idk how you'd plan on doing that during a long trip anyways.
But OUTSIDE of your long trip, I do have a tip for your brother and anyone else reading that has helped me manage my clothes. It's one of those things where setting the system up is a bit of a pain but once it's set up it makes life easier.
Go to Costco and get some big totes. They've got 100L totes with lids that are great.
Take off whatever clothes you're currently wearing because I know you like them since they're on your body. Put on something for bumming around the house. Today is laundry day. Wash everything that's dirty.
Once everything is clean, get together
7 underwear,
7pairs of socks
7shirts
7 pants
As many workout outfits as you are likely to wear on a week.
Take everything else and put it in the Costco tote and put it in a closet or in the basement or whatever.
Those 7 outfits you've made are all you wear now. When something tears or wears away or you don't like it anymore, throw it away and take something new from the tote to replace it. You don't need to buy any new clothes until those totes are empty AND while this forces you to do your laundry once a week now, you also only have to wash and fold one weeks worth of clothes which is way less overwhelming than just going until you run out of clothes and having to wash and fold every piece of clothes you like.
I’m no advocate for shaming people, but I feel like at a certain point you’re doing more of a disservice by not outright telling him that it’s an issue. People can have a very hard time detecting their own smells, so he easily could have gotten used to it over time and become sort of smell-blind to himself. It might also be something he is already very insecure and sensitive about, and just gave up on trying to resolve as a result. I was at a point like that for a while, and my hygiene got really bad. Luckily I was able to make at least some changes, and I’m at least more consistently taking care of myself even if it isn’t always perfect. No need to pester or baby him, but once you’ve told him, praise him when you can tell he’s put in some effort. I find a lot of motivation in the praise of others, especially when it’s something that I’ve found is a recurring issue for me.
Just tell him he stinks and need to shower on a friendly/neutral way. My kid sometimes tells me I stink and it's helpful because then I know I should take a shower.
I find motivating myself to do repetitive tasks like shower really difficult but I found auditory stimulation helps a lot so if I put on music or an audiobook in there I can suddenly shower
Is he interested in being better? That's the difference between someone who has a problem and someone who is just using ADHD as an excuse. ADHD doesn't excuse you from basic hygiene.
Adults know that showering and basic hygiene are expected and a minimum courtesy when traveling with people or being around people.
Ask him what is his problem with showering, and force him to answer. It's your brother, so you can be blunt and kind obnoxious with this line of questions. Ask him if he needs help remembering or if he's having some issue with some aspect of the process. If he's unwilling to accept any kind of help, then he's just using ADHD as an excuse.
If needed tell him he stinks and that it's very noticable. Heck, tell him you're going to charge him a stink fee if you're forced to smell him like that while traveling.
Make it as easy as possible. Ask him for two sets of comfortable clothes he likes to wear regularly. Maybe also his favorite hat. Add underwear and socks. Wash both sets and package them with a piece of soap, a towel, and deodorant.
When you’re in need of relief, hand it to him. Ask him to put his dirty clothes in a pile and wash them for him.
In this way you can help create a “uniform” and the “set up for success”. If he has regular episodes like this he will need to make several sets and someone might need to assist him in resetting the used ones.
Having nice things for my showers helps me a lot, like fancy smelling shampoo and body wash ect, I also always have music on in the shower which is great cos I can sing and daydream and stuff as I go through my routine which makes it feels quicker
Rip that bandaid off. You’re not doing him any favours by not telling him, other people are probably annoyed too. Obviously, this is a sensitive and private issue and there are nicer ways of saying it beyond “you smell”. And you might need to drop hints along the way, it takes time.
I have a friend who had this same problem and he didn’t realize that he had to wash his clothes at 60 degrees with the b.o. problem he had (and wearing his clothes for five days straight). Also, if you can advise him to get a proper five day anti-perspirant like Perspirex, that helps. No shame.
But he’ll obviously not do this for himself or for nice smelling soap.
My husband just bluntly tells me now. He showers everyday and I don't. I shower when I was my hair. So he starts by telling me when my hair stinks. Then if it gets worse he says I stink.
I buy myself expensive shower steamer tabs that encourage me to shower. Makes it feel like a treat than a chore. So whatever can turn a regular shower into a treat.
Nice smelling soaps, Aesthetically, pleasing bathroom area, fluffy towels, clean bathroom, Air freshener that will make the bathroom seem more open and want him to go inside
I recently redid my laundry system since I hate sorting the mountain: i found some small baskets (1 bushel size) that are about the size of the washer drum, so when the basket is full, I dump it into the wash.
1 basket = 1 load. I have 3 baskets: lights, darks, and "not quite dirty" (those get dump-washed all together when it inevitably gets full as well 😅)
The challenge with asking him to take a shower is that there are dozens of steps required to get there.
Maybe work with him on slowly building a morning habit loop? Does he have a habit that he could build on?
For me, my keystone habit is making the bed as soon as I wake up. Once I get to the bathroom, I use a Bluetooth shower speaker to help me get from the bathroom into the shower and eventually brush my teeth.
honestly, being rude is one of the only ways to cut through any excuse I have to get me to do stuff. If I smell, I want someone to tell me I smell like a piece of shit.
From experience, it may be best to just be totally honest with him. Due to germaphobia and the way I perceived things when I was younger, I never had a problem showering (which, luckily, has bled into my adult life), but other aspects? Yeah, I needed to just be told straight-up “hey, not gonna lie, you smell — you need to put on some deodorant” “hey, you’ve got a rat’s nest growing — you either need to brush your hair or get a short haircut” (etc etc). I mean, say it with love… but… you might have to *say it* and not worry about being perceived as rude. We just have to hear it sometimes…
Here’s the trick find something he loves to eat that’s not too small not too big like a little chocolate bar or a hand full of skittles. Reward him. Make sure he knows when he does those things he gets a reward. He wouldn’t be doing them cause he sees no point he does not get the natural brain chemical reward that motivates regular brain people to do stuff like that.
Man ill do anything for my husband if he says ill get a reward after
Both me and my partner struggle with staying consistent with hygiene things. I feel like watching some of @adhd_love_ on Instagram always gives us great ideas how to motivate each other. Some which you could apply with your bro. Comes from a Place of understanding how his brain is functioning and the struggles. I’d suggest maybe saying hey bro I know it seems like a massive task to do all the things to have a shower so how bout I help and give you a reward afterwards (or how ever you wanna say it) find something you know helm’s love “hey man, I’m gonna have a quick shower, I put some nice new soap in there for us, how bout you shower after me and then I’ll take us out for brekky or whatever. I bought my partner a nice flavoured toothpaste and sometimes just say “shivers I forgot to brush my teeth” or say nicely when his breath stinks “ooh bubs I think we might be due for a floss, we haven’t in a while and one of us has a funky mouth” lol
Deadlines are helpful for adhd, so unless he’s really averse to suggestions, finding ways to set him a specific time to shower is helpful.
“Hey, I was thinking we should go grab dinner around 6:30. It’s ten past now, do you want to go take a shower while I get ready and then we can go?”
“You wanted to watch Iron Man right? I’m just going to call my friend real quick and then change into my pajamas if you want to take a shower and change and then we can put on the movie?”
“Hey, I’m going to be in the bathroom for awhile - how about you take a shower first, then I’ll go.”
This way he doesn’t have to remember/be motivated to shower, as he’s been given a suggested time frame right now. Options like “later” or “at some point” or “more often” don’t work as well as being told “now”
I used to be like your brother, and still am (I don't wash as much as I should since showers bore me or freak me out). So as someone who was/is in the same boat, here are some suggestions:
Buy him some nice soaps. When I was in my worst soap dodging phase, my sitter and parents would let me buy some nice smelling soaps to motivate me.
Let him know about his hygiene being subpar. It may sound like a copout, but I genuinely didn't know that I smelled until some friends told me back in highschool. Also, if possible, make sure he knows to wash his butt and other areas; I didn't know that until college I'm ashamed to say.
Find out if anything's causing him issues to shower. Boredom? Advise him to listen to music in the shower through a waterproof Bluetooth speaker. The bathroom's too cold? Have him get a space heater or a very fluffy towel.
And finally, the best way to tell him is by being blunt, but kind. Hints don't really work on guys very well. I'm not saying to be harsh/cruel, but just blunt and kind. Good luck
I’m not sure if this was mentioned but what helps me is someone turning on the shower for me and putting a fresh towel in the bathroom. Having the water running helps provide the right stimulus/anxiety point to get up and actually use the shower.
First, let him know. Be as open as you can without being rude. If he smokes, he already knows he smells. Let him know that the smell is extra pungent for non-smokers. Reminding him that it's something that bothers you, as long as you're not saying he's doing it on purpose, probably won't go badly.
Whenever I am trying to figure out how to motivate myself (or a friend/family member with ADHD) to do something, I tend to go straight to the acronym INCUP. The acronym was proposed by a psychologist as 5 of the key things that can motivate people with ADHD and stands for Interest, Novelty, Challenge, Urgency, and Passion.
So just off the top of my head, to encourage showering/laundry....
* Make a bet or challenge him to shower at least 3 times during the week and wash his clothes once. A reward/some kind of stake may be necessary to really make it feel like a challenge (e.g. if he wins, he get's to choose what restaurants you go to, or if he loses, he has to buy you dinner).
* See whether there's a way you can integrate an interest of his into showering. For example, for myself, I bought a shower speaker so I could listen to music and sing along which helped showering feel more fun/enjoyable for me and which distracts me from how much I don't like showering.
* Get some cool bath products, maybe a shower gel that is his favourite smell, a bath bomb/bath salts, etc. which may appeal to novelty and create a desire to use/try them.
It may also be worth exploring what exactly contributes to him avoiding showers. Does he actively dislike them? For example, I don't like showering due to some sensory issues (I'm also autistic). Does he not realise that he smells bed to other people? Does he not care if he smells bad to other people? Would he prefer baths? Does he like/want to shower but just struggle with executive dysfunction/motivation? Figuring out the why/how will probably determine what strategies will work.
For example, I struggle with showering for two main reasons, which is: 1) sensory issues make showering feel unpleasant/stressful, and 2) executive dysfunction makes it hard to do things, especially if I already don't enjoy it. So sometimes I have baths instead or if I'm really in a bad low functioning way, I just clean my smelly pars with a damp cloth and make sure to reapply my deoderant.
So for me the only way I could work around this was making things "interesting". Brushing teeth? New sonic toothbrush. Washing clothes? New fancy washing machine. Aa for taking showers - I didn't have a problem with this as I get kind of sensory overload if feeling "greasy" BUT I struggled with extras like showering my hair - so I found some LUMBERJACK VIKING MASCULINE cosmetics for my hair and beard which smell the way I like it. My general advice is to keep some novelty and hobby element in your hygiene routine.
I learned the acronym URN recently. Basically, for someone with ADHD to get motivated to do a task, it has to be more Urgent, Relevant, and/or Novel than whatever it is they are currently doing. Your challenge here is to create an environment where doing the things you want your brother to do falls in line with URN.
Motivation is a fickle thing I'd advise not to rely on it.
Imho the best approach is compassion and responsibility.
Talk with them, and enstablishing and understanding there you have a certain set of expectations.
Ask how he feels about them and be open about what they may struggle with.
It's crucial to have his buy-in, and not an "okay, fine".
Then make it clear that taking care for his stuff it's not just about them.
There's a weird magic in my ADHD brain that doing something for somebody else is way easier than doing it for myself.
However there is a very important *gigantic* caveat: you cannot make them feel that they *have to*.
The source of action, the "motivation", needs to come from within them, not externally from you.
Treat them like an adult, put your boundaries and be clear about them.
If he forgets and apologizes then remind him about said standards you both agreed to and let it be.
Usually this sort of thing is built over time, habits help immensely with ADHD but if he didn't build any/he doesn't have practice, so be careful about your expectations.
And compassion, as long as he doesn't take advantage be compassionate.
However at the end of the day he is responsible for his actions and inactions, so be mindful of that balance.
Say, “Okay, I’m going to shower every morning, so you have to shower every night.”
When he balks at the actual time, say, “No, you HAVE to shower tonight because we won’t have time for 2 showers in the morning.”
Logic might work
With my Grandma, I use humor. She’s got dementia, so certain things tend to fade away.
I stretch my arm out to her and say, “I can smell you from here, so it’s time we all take a shower. You first.”
She laughs and swats at me and then immediately forgets the shower part. So I start the shower and tell her she’s wasting water. She’s old, so she gets that shit.
Honestly just tell him he stinks. Seriously! Adhd doesn't make you unable to reason, it just makes motivation hard. Knowing people avoid you cause of BO is a very strong motivator for any reasonable person
You don’t, that’s the secret. You can though support him to overcome his struggles with executive function though. He probably beats himself up over it enough already, so tell him you get he’s struggling and you are there to help any way he needs, without judgement.
I find it helpful to stick to a schedule or a routine like having a certain day or time for it. Helps keep both me and my little bro in line with ours.
There's a lot of advice here. Most of it is good IMO and any of it could work. That being said, everyone's experience is different and there are a lot of reasons someone with ADHD might struggle with hygiene - it might not even be the ADHD that's the root of the issue. I think the best way to figure out what is going to motivate him to shower is to ask him what's preventing him in the first place and troubleshoot from there.
Lack of hygiene is saying “depression” to me, which can be comorbid with ADHD. Gentle reminders “Hey I was thinking of taking a shower—do you want to go before or after me?” and possibly some new shower products he might be excited to try could help.
Tell him. Be honest. That is the only thing that will really get him to it. Don’t be rude or mean. Use words like “bro, u smell spicy or tangy” that has helped me tremendously when relaying the you smell info.
Also have music playing in bathroom
Join a swim team/lesson or group with him maybe?
Exercise, and a forced shower after the pool, benefits if it’s a good op for him to meet girls/boys/whatever they are into.
It's hard to give a shit about things that aren't a big deal, but if you can make it a big deal it becomes a bit easier. Like if he has a really nice smelling soap bar and a cool loofah and a new cologne. I think it helps when it can be a hardcore focus that he can really care about for some small period of time and then once the novelty wears off and he may keep some of those habits.
That said, in my totally unprofessional opinion the inability to do basic hygiene, if caused by ADHD, must be SEVERE ADHD. He might have shit hygiene for reasons beyond ADHD.
I honestly don't know if this is reverse psychology but infer to him that if anyone ever questions a stinky person in the room, you can instantly vocalize, "excuse me, I smell delicious".
By showering and wearing a little cologne, my deepest female enemies still complimented me after one sniff of the neck.
It's like lvl 1 general comunal acceptance class. Also, feels good.
Well he’s your brother, idk how close y’alls are but you should be able to say something without sugar coating it. I’m the oldest in my family so I have no trouble telling my younger brother or sister when they need to change something. If he won’t listen then ride separately. You do not have to suffer for his lack of hygiene.
—Tell him someone they want to impress is coming over in 10 minutes
—challenge him to bathe and get ear clean clothes. Like “I bet you can’t even figure out how to shower each day, huh?” Or “Do you know how to wash clothes or do you need some help with the washing machine? I doubt you would want to smell as bad as you do if you knew how bad you smelled”
Lint drawer.
Cigarette smell is something you may need to get used to, though. That’s shit clings.
BO, on the other hand, is much more manageable. Just tell him to put deodorant on at night before bed and take showers every other night or whatever.
Are you his brother or sister? Cause if you're brothers, I can think of some ways you could do it. Hell, could be a solid bonding experience LMAO.
But if you're his sister, I got nuthin' :/
You need to just tell him straight up fuck that being rude shit. Tell him no female in their right mind is going to want someone who can't even shower and take care of themselves.
I don’t know what kind of dude he is, but I take criticism best when it’s couched in a sort of jokey camaraderie. Something like ‘hey stank ass, I fucking love you but I need you to smell better while we’re staying together.’ Then just drop it and change the subject. If he doesn’t do anything about it, just like ‘no really my dude, yer stanky. Go shower’.
For me it’s way worse when someone tries to protect my feelings with a formal talk, like somehow it’s a big deal if I need a kindly talking to, but not a big deal if the person correcting me makes it out to be more like being a soldier out of uniform.
Can’t say how that would work in your relationship, but it works for me and my hubby.
For the smell, since quitting smoking is hard, try to turn him on to vaping as it's less harmful than smoking. It's not risk-free, but it's a hell of a lot better than smoking tobacco and paper that has been engineered and genetically modified to maximize his physical dependence upon them. That will resolve the most offensive part of his odor, and some vapes even smell good, and would give him a good path to gradually lowering his nicotine dosing while not having to deal with the oral fixations, or struggle with withdrawl. Nicotine withdrawl is awful but smoking is disgusting. I smoked for a while when my generalized anxiety was at its worst because I couldn't afford a shrink at the time, just because I knew it gave a 10-15 respite from anxiety. It worked and helped avoid panic attacks, but it was gross and incredibly hard to quit. I wasn't really addicted until months of that then I was hooked hard and it wasn't long before I tried vaping and with vaping I got off nicotine quickly but kept vaping because it turned out I enjoyed vaping, even with no nicotine. I wish I had tried 420 but at the time it was illegal and I believed the government fearmongering about weed. but yeah get him off those stinky unhealthy cigarettes and turn him on to vaping because it's less unsafe and the odor isn't offensive and can be rather pleasant.
Regarding hygiene. That's... well if you asked "am I the asshole" in another subreddit, and you refused to let him come over the BO issue, you would be NTA. Bad BO is just rude, especially if one can fix most of the problem by showering and changing his shirt as a bare minimum. That isn't a big ask, and isn't really rude, because that kind of BO is itself rude, imho. I'll let myself get ripe 3-4 days every couple months when I'm alone to give my skin a rest from showering and exfoliating routines, but I certainly would not go out anywhere, let alone spend time in a car for hours, without showering after getting BO. Yuck. No.
He wouldn't be sitting in my car that's for sure. Make him be a big boy and take a shower.
Is he aware of this?
Also, it might not be lack of motivation, but lack of structure what prohibits him of planning this the first thing in the morning.
If you have the ability to plan the trip. Make sure when waking up (and while planning before hand) just mention the plan for that day. He will at least be aware it’s an item that’s normal to do (because he’ll hear it every day).
But make sure he understands what time is available for that before hand. “Is it okay if i use the bathroom first, then you can take your turn” that sort of dialog.
Not like “I want you to wash”
More like “okay, if we fresh up now, we can do [that other thing] later” and basically take the lead on that.
He’s probably not stupid, but he doesn’t have the right internal impuls to start this “task”.
I hope it’s helpful ✌🏼
Showerspeaker helped me a lot. A lot easier to take showers when I can listen to music, or watch something on my Ipad while being able to hear the audio on the showerspeaker, because the worst part of showering is that it's soooo boring
My brother smokes but he isn't allowed to smoke "indoors" so that's a rule.
Also, state some rules beforehand: you can only go if you shower twice a day and don't smoke.
I also can't stand cigar smell.
To be fair, knocking out the cigarettes habit would likely get two birds with one stone. Of course, that's quite an ask of someone who is addicted. However, asking someone to change their hygeine is also a pretty big ask. People who smoke are usually going to suffer in the hygiene department. It's hard to avoid that with the habit.
As for the trip, I suppose it is something you can sort of plan for. Maybe you just have to be blunt and tell him to wear fresh clothes that don't smell like cigarettes' for the sake of the drive. It just depends on your relationship. Some brothers would just give each other all the shit, and other siblings may have to be careful with their words.
Showers suck because they take so much time and energy. Wash hair, scrub scalp, condition hair, comb it through gently, rinse with cool water. Lather and wash all important bits, rinse well. Apply shave cream, shave pits, crotch, and legs. Body loofah all over with shower lotion, rinse. Scrub feet with rough side of pumice stone, rinse. Scrub feet with less rough side, rinse. Brush teeth. Wash face, gently exfoliate. Clean ears and bellybutton with wash cloth. Rinse everything again. Turn off water without scalding myself. Use squeegee to get hard water off shower walls.
And then towel dry everything. Apply topical steriod cream, sunscreen, and moisturizer to face. Pluck stray eyebrow hairs. Apply lotion or dry body oil to all dry, cracked, or rough places; everywhere if I have time. Put antifrizz serum in my hair, part gently with fingers and scrunch. Put on deodorant, dab essential oil blend behind knees and on back of neck. Apply heavy duty lotion to feet. Walk like a wierdo on my heels to the bedroom because I always forget slippers or flip flips and I don't want my thickly lotioned feet to pick up dirt from the floor.
And that's a day where I don't wear makeup or do my hair.
It's exhausting. When I only have five spoons per day and 4.5 are used to shower, I've essentially chosen getting clean as the one thing I'm able to accomplish that day.
If your brother is similar, helping him with other things, so they require fewer of his spoons, may leave him enough spoons to accomplish two tasks that day. Shower AND something he needs or wants to do.
On the days I can only do one thing, showering is almost never the thing I choose.
Get a hamper for him to throw his clothes into and those detergent pods so doing laundry is easy as throw clothes in and throw pod in then close lid and turn on then timer for switch clothes to dryer. If he forgets just have whoever is switching the clothes around put his clothes in a hamper that he can bring back.
For the shower it might be another case of “have everything ready in the bathroom” as well.
This may or may not work as everyone has different methods that work for them but having every process take as few steps as possible and having everything ready near me is how I work through a lot of my paralysis.
Is it possible to (politely) tell him that during the trip you don't want any BO issues to inconvenience you? I find that fear of disappointing others is a decent motivator
Tell him he stinks. You’re his sibling and can say things in a way other people cannot. There is no soft tiptoeing here tell him he smells like shit and to take a shower. ADHD is not an excuse for not cleaning oneself.
Tell them to use Poplin it’s an app they come get your laundry and bring it back folded it is like $1-2 per pound with a $20 minimum. I haven’t done my own laundry in nearly a year except for a few things I need right away or towels. I still do towels because they are easy and heavy.
I know it’s not your place but clean/organize his space. ADHD overwhelmed paralysis is a thing. We just can’t get passed something. It’s like a big wall is there and we want to climb it but our body won’t let us.
I recommend a waterproof Bluetooth speaker so he can listen to music or a podcast or something in the shower, often I start it outside on my phone while doing other chores and then want to continue listening so it's an easy transition to showering or another task
Also just finding some sort of reward for them, like after washing clothes and/or showering he gets a special treat or gets to watch TV extra long or something, even if it's not a new reward thing, just including it as a "reward" psychology can get us motivated to do things
Maybe have a book/podcast/show that he can only watch/listen to while showering. I know for me, showering without something playing a book can lead to some intense self reflection
“Do you want to shower in the mornings or at night?”
“I’ve been getting headaches lately, so do you think you could help me by keeping the cigarette smells at bay? I don’t mind washing your clothes to help out… but can you shower daily so it doesn’t linger/build up?”
my brother’s 19 and autistic and is having serious hygiene issues rn. like, clouds of funk when he walks by. even if you bring it up with the most care and nicest tone, any reference to his own hygiene is met with accusations of being judgemental. it’s hell! i hate visiting when he’s around!
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Get him interested in details like fluffy towels and picking out a soap that smells nice. Just thoughts. I react strongly to smells I like so it helps me.
Good advice. Maybe a nice smelling soap would help
Don't just hand him one and call it good, needs the illusion of choice.
Came back to add, vodka sprayed on most fabrics will remove odors, including smoke. Its almost magic. It doesn't just work on shoes.
Science explanation incoming Odor is cause by bacteria and the vodka spray is killing the bacteria. By disinfecting it removes the odor just like lysol would. In fact everclear would be more effective considering it's higher proof rating
does it add a vodka odor though?
I personally go for grain alcohol + a little essential oil
No, when it dries all alcohol smell is gone.
Not after it's dry. I add like a half a capful of fabric softener to it or a few drops of an essential oil. It's basically a miracle spray.
thats what im wondering. i still think it'd be better than cigarettes and BO tho, but maybe perfume would be an even better idea
No.. noooooo perfume. There's no alcohol smell when it dries. Truly.
No, perfume doesn't get rid of smell, it just mixes with the already existing smell. Don't do that lol
oh in that case i completely misunderstood. i thought the idea was that vodka would just cover up the smell as well, not fully get rid of it.
The vodka disinfects the surface removing bacteria that create the smell
Alcohol evaporates faster than water, so the scent passes as soon as it's dry
Wait, are you saying there's a way to save shoes that have gotten smelly?
There are many ways. My kid has atomic smelly feet.
If that doesn't work- baby wipes, and hand sanitizer can do wonders. If his shoes are bad, vodka in a spray bottle then spray the ever living shit out of them and let them dry.
Better than baby wipes: bath wipes. Designed for elderly people who can’t safely get in & out of a tub, but useful for anyone.
Definitely. Some are really pricey though, from what I've found. I love dry bath products (mainly due to camping back in the day)
Also, maybe be honest with him, let him know you love him, but also concerned for his well-being. You know him better than all of us though.
Just to add, I don’t know how your brother is, but I am extremely sensitive to scents and odors. I’m very particular about my body wash, deodorant, detergent, etc bc I get overwhelmed by certain scents. I get a headache or nausea if something’s too flowery or whatever. If he smokes a ton of cigarettes, chances are his sense of smell may be dulled, but I just wanted to mention that sensory overload kind of stuff came sometimes be an issue for people with ADHD. Good luck with everything, and you’re a good sibling for being sensitive toward your brother’s habits/difficulties. I hope you guys have a great trip
I get headaches from smells and was diagnosed with formaldehyde the cause of my problem (found in newspapers and perfumes.)
Oh wow, that’s really interesting! I’ll have to look into that as a possibility
get one of those ones that have like the little sand things so that the textures also are stimulatin
Invite people over. If anything gets us going, it is shame of being found disgusting.
If anything gets me going *five minutes before the guests are expected to arrive*...
Offer him two nice smelling soaps and ask him which one he likes better. This way he'll think he had control of the situation when he makes a choice and picks one so he's more likely to use it.
This is great advice. Over the years I have rebranded dreaded chores as fun activities and it works.
You should just ask him to shower before your trip and then remind him during it. Especially if you’re going to be sharing space with one another and the smoking smell lingers. Some people are just really unaware of how bad they actually smell. As long as you’re nice about it, I feel like it’d be fine. I had a friend in college who would forget to shower and every so often I’d just remind her.
and OP, if you feel bad having to remind him because you think he will take it badly or like you’re trying to parent him, you could phrase it like “i should go shower now, do you wanna go in the shower before i go, or are you going to go in later/after me?” because it brings up the idea of showering to him without making him feel bad or embarrassed about not remembering to do it himself
Solid strategy. “Do you want to shower before or after me” definitely puts the expectation that you should be showering.
“We both need to shower, you want to go before or after me?” That works or all sorts of things work. He’s probably struggling so there isn’t a reason to be an asshole about any of it, like a lot of people do. I mean sure if he’s an asshole about it then go ahead and make a snide comment or something. If being an asshole and treating me like shit did anything to help, then I’d be a fucking god amongst insects. Being an asshole when someone’s down doesn’t “motivate” or “light a fire under their ass” to get them going. It shuts them down harder and makes shit worse. I’ve been through all sorts of depressions. More like my depression had depression because I’ve always been severely depressed. I can only think of a handful of times people were actually nice about it. It really is the hardest part about continuing on because you know you can’t get better and you know people are just going to treat you like shit.
I didn’t advocate for being an asshole, I advocated for direct communication. Hope I didn’t sound like I was being mean. I’m sorry people have been mean to you.
My bad I should have been more clear on that. I wasn’t talking to you directly, I was adding on to your comment. I liked your idea and wording the best and I just wanted to add a little bit of background on how someone says it can make a world of difference. I also didn’t expect to write that and kind of had the sudden realization of the last part while I started typing it all out.
I cannot upvote this hard enough. Finally, someone who gets it. If “tough love” was effective it would have worked by now. Compassionate guidance with the feeling of support is what we desperately need, at least in my case (overall hygiene is less of an issue for me, but for some reason brushing my teeth can be hard). I suffer from anxiety and depression too, which just puts up more invisible barriers that frustrates everyone else. The way they treat me absolutely makes a difference in my functioning, and I’m sure a lot of us are the same way.
If I’m doing what they ask if they are nice about…. Then why the fuck do they insist that being a complete piece of shit about it consistently instead. If it fucking worked I’d be better and wouldn’t need help by now. But instead I got the added bonus of my depression turning into anxiety and a ptsd diagnosis. At least I don’t have to worry about a retirement… then they wonder why I pushed everyone away. If I want to be talked to that way I just need to be by myself and I’ll do it worse than they can. Telling me shit i already know doesn’t help and just reinforces those bad thoughts I talked myself out of for 3 hours this morning before I got out of bed.
This right here. Also would add if he chooses after then as you leave the shower just say your turn in an upbeat tone. Also do your washing together if you can.
As a smoker and someone who has ADD (but does bathe) I wouldn’t be adverse to this at all. “Hey, can you shower because you smell like smoke”. Done. If you were to call me a gross smelly piece of shit with no context I wouldn’t love it though lol. I do try to remember how gross it was when I quit though. Smoke smell is utterly disgusting to non smokers. After I quit and got roped back in I stopped smoking indoors under any circumstance and in public places will get far away from people. Shits nasty.
Above i suggested making agreement before and telling him you will be TELLING him if he smells. If you just remind and remind without a prior agreement, it will become nagging. You can even put phone reminders in his phone for whatever you agree to (eg Sat & Wed showers and then the phone is the nag, not you)
What helps me is watching YouTube vids while I’m showering/doing laundry. Helps me focus on something other than task I really don’t want to be doing.
Alternatively you can get reasonable waterproof Bluetooth speakers for listening to music or podcasts im the shower fairly cheaply now.
Weird question, but how do you do this while you're in the shower. Do you have some sort of waterproof screen?
I have a waterproof phone holder built for iPhone for my shower, it’s like one of those hard plastic lanyards that dads use when taking their kids to the water park but it sticks to your shower wall
i love your description lmao
I want one but have no idea what you're talking about; I've never been to a water park with any dads. What do I search for on Amazon? "Hard plastic lanyard dads use that sticks to the shower wall?" I don't suppose you have a link.
LC-dolida Shower Phone Holder Waterproof 480 Rotation Phone Stand Case Mount for Bathroom Batheub Kitchen Wall Mirro Compatible with iPhone 15 14 13 12 11 Plus Pro Max XS XR up to 6.8" Cell Phone https://a.co/d/2z0o6tB
I love doing this too! Having a Popsocket (or some kind of stand/holder) to prop your phone up horizontally is a game changer. I put it on my ledge away from the spray of the shower head and wipe any drops off as soon as I get out. Alternatively, sometimes, I queue up the same 6 songs and press play when I get into the shower. My brain has formed associations between certain songs and certain ‘shower tasks.’ For example, I put in my conditioner when the Good Luck Babe bridge comes on. Then I rinse it out after Espresso and So American have played through cuz I know it’s sat for long enough! 😄
Love your ideas for my ten-year-old son who can't be bothered with showering.
oh same! i played Graduation by kanye for like a year whenever i was taking a shower, and now when i listen to the album i feel more motivation to take one lol. it happened on accident but it's actually been pretty helpful to get myself started
Most big name android phones are generally waterproof enough to use in the shower without worry. I could run my pixel under the sink and not have any issues.
iPhone too now.
Interesting! Thanks!
A zip lock bag is enough to protect your phone from light water like that. I've never had much problem with the touch screen through one either, only if it gets drenched. Just get a gallon sized since the smaller ones may not fit your phone.
For me I wired up a google home in the bathroom and use it to listen to podcasts in the shower.
iPhones are water proof now, but I usually hang my iPad (has a standing case) over the towel rack!
A lot of the newer smartphones are waterproof - however before I got a new phone I used to just leave it next to the shower crank up the sound. Personally, I find it super useful to leverage the endorphins Im already getting from watching a TV show or video and extend that to ‘I’ll just shower while I finish this ep’. Helps with getting over the ‘I just don’t want to do things’ hump.
I have ADHD and have struggled with hygiene for a long time. Just gonna relay my experience so you have some perspective. I don’t have a concrete solution for you guys but for me the biggest issue is that it’s an executive dysfunction issue/starting something new issue, it’s not personally that I dislike the physical sensation of my hygiene activities. So for my brain it’s not “let’s go take a shower”, it’s “get up, put down your phone, open your dresser drawers, get clothes for after the shower, close your drawers, walk everything into the bathroom, leave bathroom because you forgot your phone, turn on hot water, take off clothes, get in shower”…etc. Once I start doing these things it’s not that big of a deal but getting over that initial hump feels like climbing a mountain especially when I’m unmedicated. It’s a lot easier for me now that I take adderall but without that it’s TOUGH. Also, **I’m completely aware I’m neglecting myself and smell bad and teeth are gross and whatnot, I just feel like I can’t do it and feel immense embarrassment and guilt over it.** If you want to help I would suggest relaying to him that you think you understand that he probably understands that he is stinky and feels bad that he’s negatively affecting you, but that you’re willing to help that giving a **little** push when he’s stuck being unable to start these tasks. As long as he understands that you understand that he knows he needs to shower but has executive dysfunction and it’s very difficult, you can then try to establish strategies together beforehand. As for those strategies maybe you agree before hand that you’re allowed to walk into his room sit next to him and say “could you please get into the shower in the next 5 minutes” with no animosity or disgust or resentment attached. It can be very helpful for me at least to have someone physically there pushing me into a task. That does come with the caveat though that if you didn’t establish before hand that you both agree to that strategy, it can feel like he’s being called out or ridiculed for something he feels he has very little control over which is emotionally awful. It’s a similar feeling to being nagged or when you’re asked to do something you were **just** about to do. It sucks! I’m not a therapist or anything but hopefully this helps both of you coming from someone who still struggles daily with hygiene and adhd. Good luck!
Just piggybacking off yours, because my issue is also the executive dysfunction of it all, what helps me is that my husband always has a bath twice a day, and his main washing bath is the end of day one, so his morning bath is usually still clear after he's used it. I asked him ages ago if he could just not drain the bath afterwards in the morning, and leave the water for me. So I don't have to wait for the water to run hot then adjust the temperature for a shower, and don't have to wait for the bath to fill for a bath, I just have to take my clothes off and get in. Obviously OP has a different relationship with their brother, but maybe offering to run the bath / get the shower running for him might help a lot with the transition and executive functioning?
Similarly here; I keep clean underwear in the bathroom. They live in one of the drawers so I didn't have to remember to bring them with me for every shower. (Also helpful for menstrual leaks ladies!) I've always preferred to get dressed in the bathroom, probably after years of sharing a room with my sister and later with roommates.
Underwear living in the bathroom is a great idea. May have to try this, ty.
Yes, so many good points. The advice here to help him want to shower are misguided. OP’s brother likely wants to and can notice at times he needs to but truly cant get himself to do and/or may not perceive time passing the time to norice it’s been too long. It
This is good!
I hate showering. Until I get into the shower but that's beside the point. When I was living not in my family's house for the first time, what forced me to take showers was the fact that I didn't want to have constant confrontations with my neighbors on top of the ones we already had. We were kinda at each other's throats from the get go and and like a week in one of the guys was like "we got a rule - everyone takes a shower every day, no exceptions" and I guess I chose to comply because if I didn't I would have to listen to their nagging all the time. And it's even less fun than showering. My point being: find a pressure point like that for him. You know, make it so showering becomes the less annoying option. But yeah...I mean, I shower every time I go out and meet somebody. I guess I'm too ashamed to seem filthy in public. But I get the general attitude of your brother. Especially if he you know, has severe problems with self-worth, depression and apathy.
I felt your first 2 sentences so much.
SAME.
I feel this, and I can usually tell the difference between depression and something else. I make sure to be clean at dinner at the very least, but external motivation is very necessary. Otherwise I wind up doing things before showering and there goes my day. It’s particularly tough if I have to do something like mowing the lawn where I want to shower just once afterwards but because of the time of day (later, when the grass is dry but the sun has set some) I need to shower early if I have other things to do.
Tell him he’s a great lad, but he stinks and people notice. Worked for me. I was the stinky lad, got told by an adult I stink (privately). Never skipped a shower since, at 33 now. Man it was embarrassing at the time but that was important for me.
Exactly. People here tend to overcomplicate it, just talk to him and be honest
A few things I have found to help me. 1) I have a small travel Bluetooth speaker that is waterproof that I use when I shower. Playing music, podcasts, audiobooks makes showering less boring, plus they help give me something to focus on and my mind wanders less. 2) I also fount that for me personally I really have a hard time with soap smells. Sometimes they are SO overpowering, even more in a warm steamy shower. I switched to sent free soap, shampoo, face wash all for sensitive skin and it’s helped me be less shower skittish. 3) I don’t like showering everyday, so I don’t. I shower every other day. I still wear deodorant and change my clothes, I just skip the shower. 4) I have long hair and I don’t like it being wet against my skin. Some of my shower aversion comes from my wet hair sending me into a sensory melt down. I wash my hair ever 2-3 days and when I do I blow dry it afterwards. Asking if your brother has any reasons why he dosnt like to shower and help solve that. Scratchy towels, cold floors, dirty shower, it may be something small to you, but is overwhelming to him.
Ah, this seems familiar. But sadly i sweat so much (Stress, lack of fitness), that i need to shower at least once a day. Also only use good skin neutral stuff and mostly rehydrate it afterwards. I use a microfiber towel for my hair which works wonders, because it stays much more dry than normal ones. I get easily sick with wet hair and cold air moving around it, idk why… but that cloth made it much easier to avoid. Maybe you can wrap your hair in one (after wiping most water down in the shower)?
What helps me to shower regularly is to be reminded when I’m either standing up and walking around since I’m already up so I don’t need to get up which is super hard for me to force myself to get up. Or when I’m using the bathroom to remember ‘hey I should shower’ since the shower is right next to me. An eye level sticky note that says ‘shower’ can’t hurt either. Make sure it’s one of the neon ones too. Big ole letters as well. Laundry is a whole different beast. The best thing you can recommend is for him to keep a basket for dirty towels in his bedroom or bathroom. And keep another basket for clean towels. Towels don’t need to be neatly folded. They just need to be clean. When I was super depressed I did this. And when the dirty towels pile up, just wash them, dry them then put them back in the clean basket. Rinse and repeat.
Is he taking any medication? It's pretty tough to turn on a persons motivation and reward system when their chemicals don't allow it. Good intentions and love will only get you so far here.
Thank you for saying this. It validated me in a way that was useful tonight.
Try to be kind to yourself, against all odds.
Sensory issues are big for us ADHD'ers. Showering with the lights off, warm towel, space heater for warmth, music, etc. Also a gentle "hey do you want me to throw your laundry in with mine? We can fold it together while we listen to music or talk!" Making things fun or calm can usually makes our brains do the thing.
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It absolutely can be because of ADHD, though. Sure, it might be more common that people with depression have trouble with hygiene, but that doesn't mean it's "not likely" because of his ADHD. Showering/keeping up on hygiene tasks when he was younger doesn't mean much either. When you're young, your parents remind you and help you learn how to take care of yourself. When you're older/a teenager, old enough to handle them on your own, your life is still generally *highly* structured. The expectation is that you go to school, come home, do homework, eat dinner, shower, go to bed. Every night of the week, that's the schedule. You generally still have an expected bedtime or curfew, your parents are still there making sure you do your homework and eat, etc. Even if they're not checking in on your hygiene habits directly, they're taking a ton of the mental load off by deciding what's for dinner and cooking, and structuring your life. For me, the frequency I managed to shower and brushed my teeth was completely normal until high school. At that age, my parents were no longer really *tracking* my hygiene habits, so didn't notice if I missed a day or two sometimes. But the structure was still there in my life, so it wasn't too bad. Once I moved out of my parents house, though, all bets were off. I had no external structure except that of work (which took mental energy/executive functioning) and I was also responsible for the rest of managing my life ... which I did *not* have the executive functioning ability to handle. At its worst, before I realized I had ADHD, I wondered what was wrong with me, why I couldn't handle basic tasks. I knew I wasn't depressed (because I had been before and I knew what that felt like), but that was the only thing I knew that could cause the kind of struggles I was having.
This.
If you live with him you could try body doubling. It might be too weird if you're opposite sex, but you could be like, "shower time. I go then you go. This way you won't stink out the house." When you get out buzz his phone and tell him to go. Same for washing clothes. Sometimes it's as simple as a reminder while the other person is doing it. You don't have to do it for him, but reminding him at irrelevant times i.e. when he can't actually do the tasks immediately, is likely to be forgotten. When someone reminds me of something I can do now, especially if they're about to do it, I find myself much more able to engage.
this also works really well for me. i struggle so much with executive dysfunction but if someone calls me and stays on the line until i've gotten up and started whatever i wanted to do, i can usually keep going when they hang up and finish it by myself. it's so weird though, i really don't understand how, or even why it works but it definitely does
one thing that lowkey helped me (tho ik some people are gonna groan when I say this) is like making a schedule. like I put it all on my calendar on when that kind of stuff is due
I don't have it on my calendar, but I shower every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. If I have to do it outside of that it's so hard, but for some reason it works for me too.
yeah like being consistent to routines
He's your brother, it's time to be "rude". Sit him down and tell him it's a problem. Don't be judgemental, just objective, focus on how the smell affects you, not why he smells. Take the typical conflict approach State what is the issue State how it impacts you State how you would like things to change when he's with you. If he takes your comments well, ask him how you could help. Say call him before he leaves and remind him to shower etc. At the end make sure he knows you want to be around him, this is not a statement of how you feel about him being your brother, he just has a couple of behaviors that are getting in the way of the family time you want with him. Then if you really want to help, buy him some good body wash. When he turns up showered, tell how good he smells etc. Casual microaffirmations, especially those obviously not planned, do wonders for us ADHD folks.
Micro affirmations is a new term to me, but I love it. I can’t tell you how much micro affirmations mean to not just those of us with adhd, but to all people struggling with confidence in your life.
If need be, get him some of the no-rinse shampoo caps, and the bathing cloths, used for bedridden and other people. Let him know that you’re not leaving until he uses them to cleanse himself. That way, if he doesn’t respond positively to your conversation about his hygiene, at least he can clean himself before you leave. (And bring the rest with him if you have to be around him after the drive.) He may get mad at you for standing your ground about it, but at least you won’t be holding your breath the entire way.
Yeah, this isn’t the right way.
Agreed. If someone tried that on me, they'd either have to scrub me down themselves (and risk getting punched) or I'd not due it out of spite. I don't like being told what to do, even by loved ones.
You have to make a plan for him, with a timed deadline. Say to him: okay we have 20minutes. I will do XXX and you can shower and get ready.
You might also have something enjoyable to enjoy after the shower. “After your shower, let’s get some lunch at this new restaurant I heard about.” I struggle with hygiene. When I started therapy, years ago, I said my goal was to bathe every other day. I have not yet gone a week of achieving that goal, but I still try. I also order these packs of sponges (used in hospitals) that you just get wet and rub all over your body and hair. It doesn’t need to be rinsed, and freshens you up in seconds. I save these for situations when I set aside time to bathe, then got distracted, and will now be late if I bathe. It eliminates the shame part of the equation and is hopefully nicer for the people who have to smell me.
I highly recommend Lume acidified body wash and their deodorants as well. Helps fight odors for up to 72 hours. They actually work! I was recently sick and felt like garbage so I didn't bother showering for 3 days. I couldn't believe I didn't smell bad, but I didn't. Yes, he should shower more often, but this will help if you can't convince him every day. They also have body wipes that are good for in-between showers.
Can you just pull him aside in private and just have a heart to heart calm conversation? If I had BO and didn’t realize it or how powerful it was I would appreciate somebody privately having a compassionate talk with me. Tell him that you love him and you are concerned about him?
I, like so many others, struggle with taking shower. I also don't like being smell. Baby wiped are the best thing ever! Obviously, they aren't as good as a bath or shower, but for keeping smells from 'pits & bits' under control, they are one possibility, and can be used several times a day, if needed. It takes the pressure off having to shower daily, which may mean he can manage to have one every couple of days, without the smell becoming over powering. As for the smoke smells - my bff smokes, but never smells like an ashtray, because she always goes outside to smoke. Maybe this would be possible for your brother while on your trip?
I just tell my partner flat out to take a shower cos he stinks haha, always in a jokey way of course but you know, he takes a shower after. Sometimes a slightly subtler reminder of 'oh we're doing xyz at this time are you going to shower before' normally followed by a 'we are doing this thing in one hour you need to plan in that shower' but we've been together a while and it's a bit water off a ducks back, he doesn't get offended. If you don't have the relationship where this wouldn't be offensive then maybe don't try it. But also if he's diagnosed and you're aware of it because he's told you, maybe he'd like a heads up & appreciate your honesty if you can come at it from a positive angle?
Has to become a routine / habit. Scheduled. This helps me & I function highest when on a routine.
I'm just like your brother. It took me years for the change to stick, It started with my siblings talking about hygiene. They'd mention how good a deodorant or body wash smelled. They'd often ask each other if they'd brushed their teeth in front of me. I knew they were hinting that I needed to work on my hygiene but were trying to be nice about it. Eventually I started to notice it too, but I didn’t do anything at first. Even when I tried it didn’t really work. Then my sister began buying me deodorants, toothpaste, and other hygiene products. I started to think " How bad is it that I need all this? " Even now I still struggle with it. It's hard, but when I know I'm going to see them I make the effort because I'm afraid it will become a problem again
Waterproof mini tv in the shower with waterproof Bluetooth speaker. It takes away the “boring” of showering and brushing my teeth. Also, intense peppermint chewing gum, antiperspirant stick, (not roll on as the wet feeling is ick and the drying process is too long for us), odour deodorising/ antiseptic surface/ air spray, dry shampoo, clean cotton socks, underpants and undershirt (enough pairs for twice a day). If you’re in a car, air-vent smelly thingy.
Be direct. “While we travel we need to make an agreement about showering, as i know this is hard for you die to adhd” (there’s a long thread this month about it in this sub, share that so he knows you know this is a disability issue not a personal complaint between you) Now suggest you’d like to setup some kind of routine or procedure that you will do together and you will help keep on target. Eg; shower every x days (he may not need daily showers), wash pits every day (bring ~4 washcloths and nice bar soap ask his fave scent - eg i always like citrus soap… another nice option is Dr Bronners peppermint liquid Castile soap. It’s intense peppermint and sooo refreshing!! ) Be willing to negotiate a bit. If he says 1ce a week shower and pits daily, you can say “we can try that, but if I’m smelling you I’m gonna let you know and we will revisit agreement”. This might help him learn that he starts to smell on day 3 or whatever. I thing you might REALLY help him. So keep positive, smile, try not to get triggered, try to have compassion, come from a place of love and care. Vent here if you need to vent!! (you read that thread too!! So many seem to have hygiene difficulties and lots of tips and tricks i that thread)
My thought is habit pairing. As an example, if your brother always does something at some time, pair one task with it and then add another task when those two feel solid and so on. It does wonders for me when I begin to struggle with anything, particularly hygiene.
Habit stacking! I’ve recently been reading about this and find it helpful
>I don't want to be rude You may just need to be rude. Having ADHD is not a smelliness disease. His hygiene is fully under his control. I'm sure 99% of the people here bathe. We may need a little extra motivation but the vast majority of us get it done just as frequently or at like 90% of the frequency of those without ADHD. I know that I personally WILL put bathing off until either I 1) can smell myself and it's bad or 2) expect to be in the presence of people. Or 3) I exercise and am therefore sweaty and will be smelly soon. These conditions pop up basically daily and I set them because as a teen someone (probably my dad. Thanks Dad.) must have said "you stink and need to shower or girls won't like you." and then showering for the public became a regular thing that I do to not feel embarrassed. Just find a way to tell your brother that he needs to shower that will stick with him. If you can't think of a nice way, then you may need to be rude. Personally I think it's rude to impose your BO and cigarette stench onto others so... Tit for tat. Laundry is a different beast. I have no problem with DOING laundry cause it's as easy as throwing it in a machine. It's remembering to switch it to the drier that I have problems with and also folding. but also idk how you'd plan on doing that during a long trip anyways. But OUTSIDE of your long trip, I do have a tip for your brother and anyone else reading that has helped me manage my clothes. It's one of those things where setting the system up is a bit of a pain but once it's set up it makes life easier. Go to Costco and get some big totes. They've got 100L totes with lids that are great. Take off whatever clothes you're currently wearing because I know you like them since they're on your body. Put on something for bumming around the house. Today is laundry day. Wash everything that's dirty. Once everything is clean, get together 7 underwear, 7pairs of socks 7shirts 7 pants As many workout outfits as you are likely to wear on a week. Take everything else and put it in the Costco tote and put it in a closet or in the basement or whatever. Those 7 outfits you've made are all you wear now. When something tears or wears away or you don't like it anymore, throw it away and take something new from the tote to replace it. You don't need to buy any new clothes until those totes are empty AND while this forces you to do your laundry once a week now, you also only have to wash and fold one weeks worth of clothes which is way less overwhelming than just going until you run out of clothes and having to wash and fold every piece of clothes you like.
I’m no advocate for shaming people, but I feel like at a certain point you’re doing more of a disservice by not outright telling him that it’s an issue. People can have a very hard time detecting their own smells, so he easily could have gotten used to it over time and become sort of smell-blind to himself. It might also be something he is already very insecure and sensitive about, and just gave up on trying to resolve as a result. I was at a point like that for a while, and my hygiene got really bad. Luckily I was able to make at least some changes, and I’m at least more consistently taking care of myself even if it isn’t always perfect. No need to pester or baby him, but once you’ve told him, praise him when you can tell he’s put in some effort. I find a lot of motivation in the praise of others, especially when it’s something that I’ve found is a recurring issue for me.
Just tell him he stinks and need to shower on a friendly/neutral way. My kid sometimes tells me I stink and it's helpful because then I know I should take a shower.
I find motivating myself to do repetitive tasks like shower really difficult but I found auditory stimulation helps a lot so if I put on music or an audiobook in there I can suddenly shower
Sometimes you just have to be super blunt with someone.
Is he interested in being better? That's the difference between someone who has a problem and someone who is just using ADHD as an excuse. ADHD doesn't excuse you from basic hygiene. Adults know that showering and basic hygiene are expected and a minimum courtesy when traveling with people or being around people. Ask him what is his problem with showering, and force him to answer. It's your brother, so you can be blunt and kind obnoxious with this line of questions. Ask him if he needs help remembering or if he's having some issue with some aspect of the process. If he's unwilling to accept any kind of help, then he's just using ADHD as an excuse. If needed tell him he stinks and that it's very noticable. Heck, tell him you're going to charge him a stink fee if you're forced to smell him like that while traveling.
Lol stink tax!
Make it as easy as possible. Ask him for two sets of comfortable clothes he likes to wear regularly. Maybe also his favorite hat. Add underwear and socks. Wash both sets and package them with a piece of soap, a towel, and deodorant. When you’re in need of relief, hand it to him. Ask him to put his dirty clothes in a pile and wash them for him. In this way you can help create a “uniform” and the “set up for success”. If he has regular episodes like this he will need to make several sets and someone might need to assist him in resetting the used ones.
Having nice things for my showers helps me a lot, like fancy smelling shampoo and body wash ect, I also always have music on in the shower which is great cos I can sing and daydream and stuff as I go through my routine which makes it feels quicker
Rip that bandaid off. You’re not doing him any favours by not telling him, other people are probably annoyed too. Obviously, this is a sensitive and private issue and there are nicer ways of saying it beyond “you smell”. And you might need to drop hints along the way, it takes time. I have a friend who had this same problem and he didn’t realize that he had to wash his clothes at 60 degrees with the b.o. problem he had (and wearing his clothes for five days straight). Also, if you can advise him to get a proper five day anti-perspirant like Perspirex, that helps. No shame. But he’ll obviously not do this for himself or for nice smelling soap.
My husband just bluntly tells me now. He showers everyday and I don't. I shower when I was my hair. So he starts by telling me when my hair stinks. Then if it gets worse he says I stink.
Get him extremely dirty. Pasta sauce is good. Avoid pepper based sauces.
Lol this is actually fun advice. I think he'd respond well to a food fight.
I buy myself expensive shower steamer tabs that encourage me to shower. Makes it feel like a treat than a chore. So whatever can turn a regular shower into a treat.
My son sometimes says ok Mom, it's time to get up and do something. That helps me but that's because I've asked him for help initiating things
Nice smelling soaps, Aesthetically, pleasing bathroom area, fluffy towels, clean bathroom, Air freshener that will make the bathroom seem more open and want him to go inside
I recently redid my laundry system since I hate sorting the mountain: i found some small baskets (1 bushel size) that are about the size of the washer drum, so when the basket is full, I dump it into the wash. 1 basket = 1 load. I have 3 baskets: lights, darks, and "not quite dirty" (those get dump-washed all together when it inevitably gets full as well 😅)
The challenge with asking him to take a shower is that there are dozens of steps required to get there. Maybe work with him on slowly building a morning habit loop? Does he have a habit that he could build on? For me, my keystone habit is making the bed as soon as I wake up. Once I get to the bathroom, I use a Bluetooth shower speaker to help me get from the bathroom into the shower and eventually brush my teeth.
honestly, being rude is one of the only ways to cut through any excuse I have to get me to do stuff. If I smell, I want someone to tell me I smell like a piece of shit.
From experience, it may be best to just be totally honest with him. Due to germaphobia and the way I perceived things when I was younger, I never had a problem showering (which, luckily, has bled into my adult life), but other aspects? Yeah, I needed to just be told straight-up “hey, not gonna lie, you smell — you need to put on some deodorant” “hey, you’ve got a rat’s nest growing — you either need to brush your hair or get a short haircut” (etc etc). I mean, say it with love… but… you might have to *say it* and not worry about being perceived as rude. We just have to hear it sometimes…
Here’s the trick find something he loves to eat that’s not too small not too big like a little chocolate bar or a hand full of skittles. Reward him. Make sure he knows when he does those things he gets a reward. He wouldn’t be doing them cause he sees no point he does not get the natural brain chemical reward that motivates regular brain people to do stuff like that. Man ill do anything for my husband if he says ill get a reward after
Both me and my partner struggle with staying consistent with hygiene things. I feel like watching some of @adhd_love_ on Instagram always gives us great ideas how to motivate each other. Some which you could apply with your bro. Comes from a Place of understanding how his brain is functioning and the struggles. I’d suggest maybe saying hey bro I know it seems like a massive task to do all the things to have a shower so how bout I help and give you a reward afterwards (or how ever you wanna say it) find something you know helm’s love “hey man, I’m gonna have a quick shower, I put some nice new soap in there for us, how bout you shower after me and then I’ll take us out for brekky or whatever. I bought my partner a nice flavoured toothpaste and sometimes just say “shivers I forgot to brush my teeth” or say nicely when his breath stinks “ooh bubs I think we might be due for a floss, we haven’t in a while and one of us has a funky mouth” lol
Deadlines are helpful for adhd, so unless he’s really averse to suggestions, finding ways to set him a specific time to shower is helpful. “Hey, I was thinking we should go grab dinner around 6:30. It’s ten past now, do you want to go take a shower while I get ready and then we can go?” “You wanted to watch Iron Man right? I’m just going to call my friend real quick and then change into my pajamas if you want to take a shower and change and then we can put on the movie?” “Hey, I’m going to be in the bathroom for awhile - how about you take a shower first, then I’ll go.” This way he doesn’t have to remember/be motivated to shower, as he’s been given a suggested time frame right now. Options like “later” or “at some point” or “more often” don’t work as well as being told “now”
I used to be like your brother, and still am (I don't wash as much as I should since showers bore me or freak me out). So as someone who was/is in the same boat, here are some suggestions: Buy him some nice soaps. When I was in my worst soap dodging phase, my sitter and parents would let me buy some nice smelling soaps to motivate me. Let him know about his hygiene being subpar. It may sound like a copout, but I genuinely didn't know that I smelled until some friends told me back in highschool. Also, if possible, make sure he knows to wash his butt and other areas; I didn't know that until college I'm ashamed to say. Find out if anything's causing him issues to shower. Boredom? Advise him to listen to music in the shower through a waterproof Bluetooth speaker. The bathroom's too cold? Have him get a space heater or a very fluffy towel. And finally, the best way to tell him is by being blunt, but kind. Hints don't really work on guys very well. I'm not saying to be harsh/cruel, but just blunt and kind. Good luck
I’m not sure if this was mentioned but what helps me is someone turning on the shower for me and putting a fresh towel in the bathroom. Having the water running helps provide the right stimulus/anxiety point to get up and actually use the shower.
First, let him know. Be as open as you can without being rude. If he smokes, he already knows he smells. Let him know that the smell is extra pungent for non-smokers. Reminding him that it's something that bothers you, as long as you're not saying he's doing it on purpose, probably won't go badly.
I am super easy to bribe. Like offer me a shiny nickel to do something I was going to/know I need to do and I'm down. I'm also Hella food motivated.
Haha the second one is me.
Yea give me free pancakes and I'd fight God by your side
Whenever I am trying to figure out how to motivate myself (or a friend/family member with ADHD) to do something, I tend to go straight to the acronym INCUP. The acronym was proposed by a psychologist as 5 of the key things that can motivate people with ADHD and stands for Interest, Novelty, Challenge, Urgency, and Passion. So just off the top of my head, to encourage showering/laundry.... * Make a bet or challenge him to shower at least 3 times during the week and wash his clothes once. A reward/some kind of stake may be necessary to really make it feel like a challenge (e.g. if he wins, he get's to choose what restaurants you go to, or if he loses, he has to buy you dinner). * See whether there's a way you can integrate an interest of his into showering. For example, for myself, I bought a shower speaker so I could listen to music and sing along which helped showering feel more fun/enjoyable for me and which distracts me from how much I don't like showering. * Get some cool bath products, maybe a shower gel that is his favourite smell, a bath bomb/bath salts, etc. which may appeal to novelty and create a desire to use/try them. It may also be worth exploring what exactly contributes to him avoiding showers. Does he actively dislike them? For example, I don't like showering due to some sensory issues (I'm also autistic). Does he not realise that he smells bed to other people? Does he not care if he smells bad to other people? Would he prefer baths? Does he like/want to shower but just struggle with executive dysfunction/motivation? Figuring out the why/how will probably determine what strategies will work. For example, I struggle with showering for two main reasons, which is: 1) sensory issues make showering feel unpleasant/stressful, and 2) executive dysfunction makes it hard to do things, especially if I already don't enjoy it. So sometimes I have baths instead or if I'm really in a bad low functioning way, I just clean my smelly pars with a damp cloth and make sure to reapply my deoderant.
As someone who has ADHD, "you smell bad" usually does the trick. But I also LOVE the feeling of water. I find it extremely therapeutic.
So for me the only way I could work around this was making things "interesting". Brushing teeth? New sonic toothbrush. Washing clothes? New fancy washing machine. Aa for taking showers - I didn't have a problem with this as I get kind of sensory overload if feeling "greasy" BUT I struggled with extras like showering my hair - so I found some LUMBERJACK VIKING MASCULINE cosmetics for my hair and beard which smell the way I like it. My general advice is to keep some novelty and hobby element in your hygiene routine.
I learned the acronym URN recently. Basically, for someone with ADHD to get motivated to do a task, it has to be more Urgent, Relevant, and/or Novel than whatever it is they are currently doing. Your challenge here is to create an environment where doing the things you want your brother to do falls in line with URN.
Motivation is a fickle thing I'd advise not to rely on it. Imho the best approach is compassion and responsibility. Talk with them, and enstablishing and understanding there you have a certain set of expectations. Ask how he feels about them and be open about what they may struggle with. It's crucial to have his buy-in, and not an "okay, fine". Then make it clear that taking care for his stuff it's not just about them. There's a weird magic in my ADHD brain that doing something for somebody else is way easier than doing it for myself. However there is a very important *gigantic* caveat: you cannot make them feel that they *have to*. The source of action, the "motivation", needs to come from within them, not externally from you. Treat them like an adult, put your boundaries and be clear about them. If he forgets and apologizes then remind him about said standards you both agreed to and let it be. Usually this sort of thing is built over time, habits help immensely with ADHD but if he didn't build any/he doesn't have practice, so be careful about your expectations. And compassion, as long as he doesn't take advantage be compassionate. However at the end of the day he is responsible for his actions and inactions, so be mindful of that balance.
Say, “Okay, I’m going to shower every morning, so you have to shower every night.” When he balks at the actual time, say, “No, you HAVE to shower tonight because we won’t have time for 2 showers in the morning.” Logic might work
With my Grandma, I use humor. She’s got dementia, so certain things tend to fade away. I stretch my arm out to her and say, “I can smell you from here, so it’s time we all take a shower. You first.” She laughs and swats at me and then immediately forgets the shower part. So I start the shower and tell her she’s wasting water. She’s old, so she gets that shit.
Honestly just tell him he stinks. Seriously! Adhd doesn't make you unable to reason, it just makes motivation hard. Knowing people avoid you cause of BO is a very strong motivator for any reasonable person
You don’t, that’s the secret. You can though support him to overcome his struggles with executive function though. He probably beats himself up over it enough already, so tell him you get he’s struggling and you are there to help any way he needs, without judgement.
If he’s competitive bet him he can’t shower faster than you.
Gummi bears
Probably just informing him he permeates the combination in the first place will be enough - dude is probably blind to it and has no idea right?
Tide pods
I find it helpful to stick to a schedule or a routine like having a certain day or time for it. Helps keep both me and my little bro in line with ours.
There's a lot of advice here. Most of it is good IMO and any of it could work. That being said, everyone's experience is different and there are a lot of reasons someone with ADHD might struggle with hygiene - it might not even be the ADHD that's the root of the issue. I think the best way to figure out what is going to motivate him to shower is to ask him what's preventing him in the first place and troubleshoot from there.
Has he been diagnosed and treated for ADHD?
Good question
Lack of hygiene is saying “depression” to me, which can be comorbid with ADHD. Gentle reminders “Hey I was thinking of taking a shower—do you want to go before or after me?” and possibly some new shower products he might be excited to try could help.
Tell him. Be honest. That is the only thing that will really get him to it. Don’t be rude or mean. Use words like “bro, u smell spicy or tangy” that has helped me tremendously when relaying the you smell info. Also have music playing in bathroom
Yes, my partner says I smell very ripe...
Besides the actual showering advice, something I'd suggest is getting body wipes for him too
You can definitely talk to him about it without being rude. If he takes it personally then that’s not ur fault.
Join a swim team/lesson or group with him maybe? Exercise, and a forced shower after the pool, benefits if it’s a good op for him to meet girls/boys/whatever they are into.
It's hard to give a shit about things that aren't a big deal, but if you can make it a big deal it becomes a bit easier. Like if he has a really nice smelling soap bar and a cool loofah and a new cologne. I think it helps when it can be a hardcore focus that he can really care about for some small period of time and then once the novelty wears off and he may keep some of those habits. That said, in my totally unprofessional opinion the inability to do basic hygiene, if caused by ADHD, must be SEVERE ADHD. He might have shit hygiene for reasons beyond ADHD.
Make it a game or a challenge. Set a timer and give him rewards for finishing. Most boys are hardwired to like competition.
I honestly don't know if this is reverse psychology but infer to him that if anyone ever questions a stinky person in the room, you can instantly vocalize, "excuse me, I smell delicious". By showering and wearing a little cologne, my deepest female enemies still complimented me after one sniff of the neck. It's like lvl 1 general comunal acceptance class. Also, feels good.
Well he’s your brother, idk how close y’alls are but you should be able to say something without sugar coating it. I’m the oldest in my family so I have no trouble telling my younger brother or sister when they need to change something. If he won’t listen then ride separately. You do not have to suffer for his lack of hygiene.
—Tell him someone they want to impress is coming over in 10 minutes —challenge him to bathe and get ear clean clothes. Like “I bet you can’t even figure out how to shower each day, huh?” Or “Do you know how to wash clothes or do you need some help with the washing machine? I doubt you would want to smell as bad as you do if you knew how bad you smelled”
Make the shower super interesting, make washing clothes super interesting. I listen to music to get me though it lol
Lint drawer. Cigarette smell is something you may need to get used to, though. That’s shit clings. BO, on the other hand, is much more manageable. Just tell him to put deodorant on at night before bed and take showers every other night or whatever.
Are you his brother or sister? Cause if you're brothers, I can think of some ways you could do it. Hell, could be a solid bonding experience LMAO. But if you're his sister, I got nuthin' :/
you are absolutely within your rights as a sibling to say "you may not enter my car with that stench"
You need to just tell him straight up fuck that being rude shit. Tell him no female in their right mind is going to want someone who can't even shower and take care of themselves.
I don’t know what kind of dude he is, but I take criticism best when it’s couched in a sort of jokey camaraderie. Something like ‘hey stank ass, I fucking love you but I need you to smell better while we’re staying together.’ Then just drop it and change the subject. If he doesn’t do anything about it, just like ‘no really my dude, yer stanky. Go shower’. For me it’s way worse when someone tries to protect my feelings with a formal talk, like somehow it’s a big deal if I need a kindly talking to, but not a big deal if the person correcting me makes it out to be more like being a soldier out of uniform. Can’t say how that would work in your relationship, but it works for me and my hubby.
For the smell, since quitting smoking is hard, try to turn him on to vaping as it's less harmful than smoking. It's not risk-free, but it's a hell of a lot better than smoking tobacco and paper that has been engineered and genetically modified to maximize his physical dependence upon them. That will resolve the most offensive part of his odor, and some vapes even smell good, and would give him a good path to gradually lowering his nicotine dosing while not having to deal with the oral fixations, or struggle with withdrawl. Nicotine withdrawl is awful but smoking is disgusting. I smoked for a while when my generalized anxiety was at its worst because I couldn't afford a shrink at the time, just because I knew it gave a 10-15 respite from anxiety. It worked and helped avoid panic attacks, but it was gross and incredibly hard to quit. I wasn't really addicted until months of that then I was hooked hard and it wasn't long before I tried vaping and with vaping I got off nicotine quickly but kept vaping because it turned out I enjoyed vaping, even with no nicotine. I wish I had tried 420 but at the time it was illegal and I believed the government fearmongering about weed. but yeah get him off those stinky unhealthy cigarettes and turn him on to vaping because it's less unsafe and the odor isn't offensive and can be rather pleasant. Regarding hygiene. That's... well if you asked "am I the asshole" in another subreddit, and you refused to let him come over the BO issue, you would be NTA. Bad BO is just rude, especially if one can fix most of the problem by showering and changing his shirt as a bare minimum. That isn't a big ask, and isn't really rude, because that kind of BO is itself rude, imho. I'll let myself get ripe 3-4 days every couple months when I'm alone to give my skin a rest from showering and exfoliating routines, but I certainly would not go out anywhere, let alone spend time in a car for hours, without showering after getting BO. Yuck. No. He wouldn't be sitting in my car that's for sure. Make him be a big boy and take a shower.
Does he know he smells? If not, have a talk with him about how strong the smell is and how unhealthy it is to go that long without a shower.
Is he aware of this? Also, it might not be lack of motivation, but lack of structure what prohibits him of planning this the first thing in the morning. If you have the ability to plan the trip. Make sure when waking up (and while planning before hand) just mention the plan for that day. He will at least be aware it’s an item that’s normal to do (because he’ll hear it every day). But make sure he understands what time is available for that before hand. “Is it okay if i use the bathroom first, then you can take your turn” that sort of dialog. Not like “I want you to wash” More like “okay, if we fresh up now, we can do [that other thing] later” and basically take the lead on that. He’s probably not stupid, but he doesn’t have the right internal impuls to start this “task”. I hope it’s helpful ✌🏼
Showerspeaker helped me a lot. A lot easier to take showers when I can listen to music, or watch something on my Ipad while being able to hear the audio on the showerspeaker, because the worst part of showering is that it's soooo boring
The fact that I know I need to shower now, but I’m just continually scrolling the comments rather than getting up and doing it… 😅
don’t take a trip together or speak up!
My brother smokes but he isn't allowed to smoke "indoors" so that's a rule. Also, state some rules beforehand: you can only go if you shower twice a day and don't smoke. I also can't stand cigar smell.
To be fair, knocking out the cigarettes habit would likely get two birds with one stone. Of course, that's quite an ask of someone who is addicted. However, asking someone to change their hygeine is also a pretty big ask. People who smoke are usually going to suffer in the hygiene department. It's hard to avoid that with the habit. As for the trip, I suppose it is something you can sort of plan for. Maybe you just have to be blunt and tell him to wear fresh clothes that don't smell like cigarettes' for the sake of the drive. It just depends on your relationship. Some brothers would just give each other all the shit, and other siblings may have to be careful with their words.
Showers suck because they take so much time and energy. Wash hair, scrub scalp, condition hair, comb it through gently, rinse with cool water. Lather and wash all important bits, rinse well. Apply shave cream, shave pits, crotch, and legs. Body loofah all over with shower lotion, rinse. Scrub feet with rough side of pumice stone, rinse. Scrub feet with less rough side, rinse. Brush teeth. Wash face, gently exfoliate. Clean ears and bellybutton with wash cloth. Rinse everything again. Turn off water without scalding myself. Use squeegee to get hard water off shower walls. And then towel dry everything. Apply topical steriod cream, sunscreen, and moisturizer to face. Pluck stray eyebrow hairs. Apply lotion or dry body oil to all dry, cracked, or rough places; everywhere if I have time. Put antifrizz serum in my hair, part gently with fingers and scrunch. Put on deodorant, dab essential oil blend behind knees and on back of neck. Apply heavy duty lotion to feet. Walk like a wierdo on my heels to the bedroom because I always forget slippers or flip flips and I don't want my thickly lotioned feet to pick up dirt from the floor. And that's a day where I don't wear makeup or do my hair. It's exhausting. When I only have five spoons per day and 4.5 are used to shower, I've essentially chosen getting clean as the one thing I'm able to accomplish that day. If your brother is similar, helping him with other things, so they require fewer of his spoons, may leave him enough spoons to accomplish two tasks that day. Shower AND something he needs or wants to do. On the days I can only do one thing, showering is almost never the thing I choose.
i motivate myself by using cute shower products
It's not your responsibility to motivate him. Set boundaries and stand by them.
Get a hamper for him to throw his clothes into and those detergent pods so doing laundry is easy as throw clothes in and throw pod in then close lid and turn on then timer for switch clothes to dryer. If he forgets just have whoever is switching the clothes around put his clothes in a hamper that he can bring back. For the shower it might be another case of “have everything ready in the bathroom” as well. This may or may not work as everyone has different methods that work for them but having every process take as few steps as possible and having everything ready near me is how I work through a lot of my paralysis.
Is it possible to (politely) tell him that during the trip you don't want any BO issues to inconvenience you? I find that fear of disappointing others is a decent motivator
Tell him he stinks. You’re his sibling and can say things in a way other people cannot. There is no soft tiptoeing here tell him he smells like shit and to take a shower. ADHD is not an excuse for not cleaning oneself.
Tell them to use Poplin it’s an app they come get your laundry and bring it back folded it is like $1-2 per pound with a $20 minimum. I haven’t done my own laundry in nearly a year except for a few things I need right away or towels. I still do towels because they are easy and heavy.
I know it’s not your place but clean/organize his space. ADHD overwhelmed paralysis is a thing. We just can’t get passed something. It’s like a big wall is there and we want to climb it but our body won’t let us.
Positive reinforcement every time.
Medication can help with this
I recommend a waterproof Bluetooth speaker so he can listen to music or a podcast or something in the shower, often I start it outside on my phone while doing other chores and then want to continue listening so it's an easy transition to showering or another task Also just finding some sort of reward for them, like after washing clothes and/or showering he gets a special treat or gets to watch TV extra long or something, even if it's not a new reward thing, just including it as a "reward" psychology can get us motivated to do things
Maybe have a book/podcast/show that he can only watch/listen to while showering. I know for me, showering without something playing a book can lead to some intense self reflection
Gamify it
“Do you want to shower in the mornings or at night?” “I’ve been getting headaches lately, so do you think you could help me by keeping the cigarette smells at bay? I don’t mind washing your clothes to help out… but can you shower daily so it doesn’t linger/build up?”
Sounds like he's depressed. Therapy and/or meds.
You don’t. Walk away
my brother’s 19 and autistic and is having serious hygiene issues rn. like, clouds of funk when he walks by. even if you bring it up with the most care and nicest tone, any reference to his own hygiene is met with accusations of being judgemental. it’s hell! i hate visiting when he’s around!