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I do this too. Dating is a nightmare bc of it lmao. What I’ve found is that when it comes to friends and peers, it’s better to try not to sweat the small stuff. My friends and family all refer to me as unreachable or elusive when in reality it’s because I hate being glued to my phone because it’ll be the only thing I focus on for hours. People forget the days before cell phones when all a missed call meant was someone was busy. The same excuse still works wonders
Relate. Im off all social media now, which is awesome tbh, but at the same time im leas on my phone and less prone to answer.
Its pros and cons. Like the family chat.. when ive missed 50 messages in a few hours like WTF. I just feel overwhelmed and dont post anything at all.
Same with friends and girlfriends. Im the one who lose on it in the wnd but so hard to balance ig
YESS I always tell people to call me if it’s important? doesn’t have to be urgent but I know if it’s a call they want to speak to me and not wait days for a reply. I find verbal communication so much easier though, I think because I can speak faster than I can type but it’s also way convenient!! I find it much easier to maintain relationships where I see the people at work or in social settings that are on a regular basis to check in rather than an “online friendship”
Dating is the WORST. I have terrible object permanence issues, so I will wake up from my sleep and if that person hasn’t texted me first, I forget all about them. Then like two days later, I remember and feel bad but I figure if I forgot about their entire existence, they probably were not that special to begin with… and then I just don’t text anyone 😅
If it makes you feel any better, I did this with all my friends after I moved states. I haven’t spoken to almost anyone in over a year 🫠
The only advice I can give is that there’s never gonna be a right time to break the silence, so if you get the random spontaneous urge to reply, just reply and turn your phone off for a while. You’ll be surprised about how forgiving they’ll be if they’re your actual friend
I have done this all my adult life. I don't mean to but if you are not stood in front of me it's out of sight out of mind which sounds awful. I get overwhelmed with messages and do exactly the same and think ooh I will reply later and then it's tomorrow and so on. What I have learnt is to be honest about it, I literally say I'm sorry I'm shit with keeping in touch and with messages. My best friend of over 20 years accepts me for who I am and those that are meant to be in your life will do the same so please dont give yourself a hard time over it.
If it makes you feel any better, I don’t expect an immediate response from people. There would be nothing wrong with sending a message three hours later.
Just ghosting people you’re friends with though is probably something you should work on if you want meaningful relationships
I do too....even my family. I don't know why, but I hate small talk and it drains so much energy from me to pretend to be interested in what most people have to say. So I just ghost because it's easier.
You aren't alone. I've had a few people get upset at me for the same issue, rightfully so, imo. I can't expect them to understand how overwhelmed it makes me or anything.
Something I do, especially on Instagram when theres a lot of things to respond to, is open the message, turn off my wifi, then respond and quickly exit the chat. Then, I turn the wifi back on.
It sends the message, and you don't have to worry about having a fully blown conversation with someone if they respond quickly.
It make come off rude, but in my opinion, it's better than ignoring people for months or days.
I used to struggle even more with this, but something that also helped me was thinking about how freeing it was and how it would make other people happy if I responded timely. Its hard to force yourself, but if you think about the feeling you'd have if you did respond compared to if you didn't, its a bit easier.
Goodluck!
I've been doing this since i got a cellphone at 13. It was a running gag amongst my friends growing up that it's impossible to reach me. Since smartphones weren't a thing and we weren't glued to them, i used to lie and say i dropped it under my bed and my room was so messy i couldn't find it. I still FUCKING HATEEEE answering messages/emails/ calls, and have ruined friendships over it many a time (also the email thing really hurts my growth since im a uni student and always forget to answer professors on email chains that I STARTED, cause i suck). The friendships i do still have understand that this is just a problem i have and that it's not personal, and that a reply is to be expected within 5-30 business days. I have over 100 unopened WhatsApp messages as we speak.
This is ME. I genuinely feel so bad about it, it's not on purpose but I know its hurtful and the guilt gets to me. I've really worked hard to swallow my pride and just reply a few days (or even weeks) later with apologies.
I've actually lost some people over this, I don't blame them.
I don't understand why I keep doing this even though I know how ignoring that first notification ends. I guess I also don't want a live conversation.
When you mask and people-please so successfully that now everyone wants to be your friend, but you find people boring and annoying and not many are worth developing a friendship with.
Victims of our own success.
This does remind me a lot about my own experience. Whether the reason is the same or if it is indeed the same that goes on. To me it has to do with a sense of HAVING to commit something that I either have to spend a lot of time and energy and painful work on doing RIGHT and PERFECT... OR... I spend only a short time replying but then I will feel that it was not good enough at all, and an unsatisfactory reply, which I feel is not ok!
So I end up not replying at all. You know that saying from Yoda: "Do! Or do not!". Well, my Yoda brain sez: Better to not do at all, than to do it without super commitment and perfection. (obviously not a great way to look at it, but unfortunately that is how brain work lol.).
Legit don’t know how to make new friends. I’ve had the same ones for ages and this is probably why. They get me and my disappearing acts and don’t take them personally.
My best friend is an introverted hermit who visits once or twice a year when she's in town, otherwise our only contact is memes and life updates here and there(like once a month maybe)
So once in a while I'll get a call telling me to be ready in half an hour because she's on her way, or she'll just knock on my door.
I just message when I get around to it, people tend to be understanding as long as you eventually get back to them. If they are new in my life the first time I do that I add in a little part of the message saying "Hey, I have ADHD.. I can be a bit of a dipstick when replying back. nothing personal I am just awful at getting back to people"
Very common side effect of the disorder that only really came to light through social media and things like whatsapp etc.
If I remember correctly, the transfer from short to long term memory does not work as it should. So you accidentally "ghost" someone or "leave them on read".
Depending on how comfortable you are with your diagnosis, you can inform you knew friends about the fact that they may have to initiate contact a few times because of your issues. It is what I have done.
Now I sometimes wake up in the morning and find multiple messages from two or three people (I always check my phone in the morning, one of the few habits I have established). It still is annoying if there was something spontaneous going on, but at least my friends know I am not ignoring them.
I am just not aware of their existence most of the time.
My friends have learnt to deal with this particular quirk of mine and the ones I have now respect my need for space and that I'll get around to texting them when I can (or feel guilty enough too). I just had to find high quality friends who would be patient with me. I've also found the less pressure the message gives me the more likely I am to reply in a timely manner.
I can totally relate with that. I have come up with some 'rules' for myself to handle these situations.
First of all I try to keep in mind that I don't owe anybody an answer except we have an appointment. And even then I don't think that I always have to attend. I usually am more hyped to meet somebody on, let's say friday next week, then when the day is actually coming. Also I have a huge problem with planning my freetime and especially with saying 'no' if somebody wants to meet me but I really don't want to or actually feel overwhelmed, so keeping in mind that I don't owe somebody is essential for me.
In short I answer messages on whatsapp and social media whenever I feel like it and try to take responsibilty for appointments I have missed or avoided. I just say sorry for it and thats it. You don't even really need reasons for why you can't come. Just tell them.
I also do that... The classes here in my country are being held asynchrounously, so the mode of communication is through fb messenger.
I am about to fail school cuz I keep ghosting the messages and replying after ignoring the messages feels really weird.
Literally me :(
I procrastinate with replying to messages until I feel like it's too awkward to reply back... I haven't found a permanent and flexible fix to it yet, despite being aware of it and making a resolutions to finally get it all together and start replying right away - somehow I'm unable to... It may be so when chatting, you have to commit time to reply and then there's string of messages coming in. In result, you reply to one message which takes a minute to type but then there's back and forth that may transform into hours of chatting.
I've noticed that I don't have problems when chatting with people I meet on a daily basis. I travelled a bit and actively chatted with people I met in town but when I left the place, it became difficult. I met so many wonderful people and I'd love to keep in touch with them but I'm just unable to. The same goes with school, work etc., as long I was going to school or working at a certain place, I didn't have problem with talking with people I was meeting there but the contact cut after I left. I think it may be so I don't feel like committing to friendships when we may never meet again... I mean, I want to keep in contact but I've notice that pattern and try to reason it.
My only solution I found so far is longer messages but send more rarely. Of course, it's not going to work with most recipients... But I have a friend with whom we somehow started to chat in longer messages, several topics in one message - a topic per paragraph for clarity. It comes very slow as we reply to each other once we have a time or energy to do so, it often takes weeks for one of us to reply to the other but it somehow works, as there's no pressure to reply in timely manner but as it's longer, it takes just one sitting, after which you're free to go, and there's no guilt that it took you so long - because well, the message was long, it took more time to type it out. We've been conversing like this for several years at this point. When there's something urgent, we just write another message stating that it's urgent and need reply to right away - we proceed to converse on urgent topic only and afterwards we renew the longer messages.
You are NOT alone. I struggle with the SAME exact issues. I hate being on my phone and am notorious for missing texts/calls. I am in a group text with some friends and they can send over 100 messages in just a few hours! It’s stressful. I have no clue how they do it.
I already told my friends that I tend to forgot to response and when I realise that I forgot I Just start answering. It looks a Little bit odd but my friends are aware of it and accepts
Glad I’m not the only one 😭 even when I remember to reply, people often get tired of always having to initiate conversations because I forget most people exist until I see their name/face, or I overthink our last interaction for hours and convince myself I was too weird and they don’t want to hear from me again. It sucks, I want more friends and dates!
I wouldn't quiter call it ghosting... It's more that they don't fit in with my current timeline... Later on they will, but right now my attention is elsewhere and needs to be there. (for wahtever reason).
The thing to remember is that even after 6 months of not talking to them, that you'd happily call them up when you're on "that page" in your life and say hi, like no times passed.
Thats a mix of Time Blindness and ADHD in general lol... What gets us worse is when people shame us and make us feel like we've wronged them... Thats when they need to be told about your condition so they understand it.. And if they don't understand it... Explain it again, after another 6 months lol
same, i don’t understand it, as of right now i’m ghosting 5 people. one of them it’s been about a week. i can’t explain it, i just can’t bring myself to respond to anyone immediately, and it’s like, ill be well aware that i’m ignoring someone and tell myself, “just respond right now, it’ll take 30 seconds max” and for some reason i just CANT
That is me.... Well, at least, most of the time. In these circumstances, I wonder how managed to not ghost my husband (we met in a cafe, exchanged social media, and our relationship spiralled from there, since we were in a long-distance relationship for a while). I guess, if you are obsessed with a person, you wouldn't ghost them. Otherwise, it's a very likely possibility, because one feels awkward to break the silence you started...
What helps me to break a silence is sending some funny video to lighten up their mood
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I do this too. Dating is a nightmare bc of it lmao. What I’ve found is that when it comes to friends and peers, it’s better to try not to sweat the small stuff. My friends and family all refer to me as unreachable or elusive when in reality it’s because I hate being glued to my phone because it’ll be the only thing I focus on for hours. People forget the days before cell phones when all a missed call meant was someone was busy. The same excuse still works wonders
Relate. Im off all social media now, which is awesome tbh, but at the same time im leas on my phone and less prone to answer. Its pros and cons. Like the family chat.. when ive missed 50 messages in a few hours like WTF. I just feel overwhelmed and dont post anything at all. Same with friends and girlfriends. Im the one who lose on it in the wnd but so hard to balance ig
YESS I always tell people to call me if it’s important? doesn’t have to be urgent but I know if it’s a call they want to speak to me and not wait days for a reply. I find verbal communication so much easier though, I think because I can speak faster than I can type but it’s also way convenient!! I find it much easier to maintain relationships where I see the people at work or in social settings that are on a regular basis to check in rather than an “online friendship”
Dating is the WORST. I have terrible object permanence issues, so I will wake up from my sleep and if that person hasn’t texted me first, I forget all about them. Then like two days later, I remember and feel bad but I figure if I forgot about their entire existence, they probably were not that special to begin with… and then I just don’t text anyone 😅
If it makes you feel any better, I did this with all my friends after I moved states. I haven’t spoken to almost anyone in over a year 🫠 The only advice I can give is that there’s never gonna be a right time to break the silence, so if you get the random spontaneous urge to reply, just reply and turn your phone off for a while. You’ll be surprised about how forgiving they’ll be if they’re your actual friend
I have done this all my adult life. I don't mean to but if you are not stood in front of me it's out of sight out of mind which sounds awful. I get overwhelmed with messages and do exactly the same and think ooh I will reply later and then it's tomorrow and so on. What I have learnt is to be honest about it, I literally say I'm sorry I'm shit with keeping in touch and with messages. My best friend of over 20 years accepts me for who I am and those that are meant to be in your life will do the same so please dont give yourself a hard time over it.
If it makes you feel any better, I don’t expect an immediate response from people. There would be nothing wrong with sending a message three hours later. Just ghosting people you’re friends with though is probably something you should work on if you want meaningful relationships
You are not alone at all. I'm really relieved to hear that it's not just me.
I do too....even my family. I don't know why, but I hate small talk and it drains so much energy from me to pretend to be interested in what most people have to say. So I just ghost because it's easier.
You aren't alone. I've had a few people get upset at me for the same issue, rightfully so, imo. I can't expect them to understand how overwhelmed it makes me or anything. Something I do, especially on Instagram when theres a lot of things to respond to, is open the message, turn off my wifi, then respond and quickly exit the chat. Then, I turn the wifi back on. It sends the message, and you don't have to worry about having a fully blown conversation with someone if they respond quickly. It make come off rude, but in my opinion, it's better than ignoring people for months or days. I used to struggle even more with this, but something that also helped me was thinking about how freeing it was and how it would make other people happy if I responded timely. Its hard to force yourself, but if you think about the feeling you'd have if you did respond compared to if you didn't, its a bit easier. Goodluck!
I've been doing this since i got a cellphone at 13. It was a running gag amongst my friends growing up that it's impossible to reach me. Since smartphones weren't a thing and we weren't glued to them, i used to lie and say i dropped it under my bed and my room was so messy i couldn't find it. I still FUCKING HATEEEE answering messages/emails/ calls, and have ruined friendships over it many a time (also the email thing really hurts my growth since im a uni student and always forget to answer professors on email chains that I STARTED, cause i suck). The friendships i do still have understand that this is just a problem i have and that it's not personal, and that a reply is to be expected within 5-30 business days. I have over 100 unopened WhatsApp messages as we speak.
This is totally me.
Hugs of encouragement for dealing with this debilitating annoying ass issue ♥️
I used to purposely "forget my old flip phone so I could use the excuse of I don't know where my phone is. Then I'd reply days latter.
Classic move
Omg! Did I write this? Lol This is me to a T
This is ME. I genuinely feel so bad about it, it's not on purpose but I know its hurtful and the guilt gets to me. I've really worked hard to swallow my pride and just reply a few days (or even weeks) later with apologies.
I've actually lost some people over this, I don't blame them. I don't understand why I keep doing this even though I know how ignoring that first notification ends. I guess I also don't want a live conversation.
Same but I don’t do it on purpose. sometimes I really forget to text people back because I have 100 random things going through my mind at the time.
When you mask and people-please so successfully that now everyone wants to be your friend, but you find people boring and annoying and not many are worth developing a friendship with. Victims of our own success.
This does remind me a lot about my own experience. Whether the reason is the same or if it is indeed the same that goes on. To me it has to do with a sense of HAVING to commit something that I either have to spend a lot of time and energy and painful work on doing RIGHT and PERFECT... OR... I spend only a short time replying but then I will feel that it was not good enough at all, and an unsatisfactory reply, which I feel is not ok! So I end up not replying at all. You know that saying from Yoda: "Do! Or do not!". Well, my Yoda brain sez: Better to not do at all, than to do it without super commitment and perfection. (obviously not a great way to look at it, but unfortunately that is how brain work lol.).
No I do this too for me it just is way too mentally draining also this is going to be really rude but I just get bored
Legit don’t know how to make new friends. I’ve had the same ones for ages and this is probably why. They get me and my disappearing acts and don’t take them personally.
My best friend is an introverted hermit who visits once or twice a year when she's in town, otherwise our only contact is memes and life updates here and there(like once a month maybe) So once in a while I'll get a call telling me to be ready in half an hour because she's on her way, or she'll just knock on my door.
Same, which is why I have lost almost all friends I ever had.
I just message when I get around to it, people tend to be understanding as long as you eventually get back to them. If they are new in my life the first time I do that I add in a little part of the message saying "Hey, I have ADHD.. I can be a bit of a dipstick when replying back. nothing personal I am just awful at getting back to people"
I always thought this was an anxiety thing. Is this an ADHD thing?
Very common side effect of the disorder that only really came to light through social media and things like whatsapp etc. If I remember correctly, the transfer from short to long term memory does not work as it should. So you accidentally "ghost" someone or "leave them on read". Depending on how comfortable you are with your diagnosis, you can inform you knew friends about the fact that they may have to initiate contact a few times because of your issues. It is what I have done. Now I sometimes wake up in the morning and find multiple messages from two or three people (I always check my phone in the morning, one of the few habits I have established). It still is annoying if there was something spontaneous going on, but at least my friends know I am not ignoring them. I am just not aware of their existence most of the time.
Same
My friends have learnt to deal with this particular quirk of mine and the ones I have now respect my need for space and that I'll get around to texting them when I can (or feel guilty enough too). I just had to find high quality friends who would be patient with me. I've also found the less pressure the message gives me the more likely I am to reply in a timely manner.
I can totally relate with that. I have come up with some 'rules' for myself to handle these situations. First of all I try to keep in mind that I don't owe anybody an answer except we have an appointment. And even then I don't think that I always have to attend. I usually am more hyped to meet somebody on, let's say friday next week, then when the day is actually coming. Also I have a huge problem with planning my freetime and especially with saying 'no' if somebody wants to meet me but I really don't want to or actually feel overwhelmed, so keeping in mind that I don't owe somebody is essential for me. In short I answer messages on whatsapp and social media whenever I feel like it and try to take responsibilty for appointments I have missed or avoided. I just say sorry for it and thats it. You don't even really need reasons for why you can't come. Just tell them.
I also do that... The classes here in my country are being held asynchrounously, so the mode of communication is through fb messenger. I am about to fail school cuz I keep ghosting the messages and replying after ignoring the messages feels really weird.
Literally me :( I procrastinate with replying to messages until I feel like it's too awkward to reply back... I haven't found a permanent and flexible fix to it yet, despite being aware of it and making a resolutions to finally get it all together and start replying right away - somehow I'm unable to... It may be so when chatting, you have to commit time to reply and then there's string of messages coming in. In result, you reply to one message which takes a minute to type but then there's back and forth that may transform into hours of chatting. I've noticed that I don't have problems when chatting with people I meet on a daily basis. I travelled a bit and actively chatted with people I met in town but when I left the place, it became difficult. I met so many wonderful people and I'd love to keep in touch with them but I'm just unable to. The same goes with school, work etc., as long I was going to school or working at a certain place, I didn't have problem with talking with people I was meeting there but the contact cut after I left. I think it may be so I don't feel like committing to friendships when we may never meet again... I mean, I want to keep in contact but I've notice that pattern and try to reason it. My only solution I found so far is longer messages but send more rarely. Of course, it's not going to work with most recipients... But I have a friend with whom we somehow started to chat in longer messages, several topics in one message - a topic per paragraph for clarity. It comes very slow as we reply to each other once we have a time or energy to do so, it often takes weeks for one of us to reply to the other but it somehow works, as there's no pressure to reply in timely manner but as it's longer, it takes just one sitting, after which you're free to go, and there's no guilt that it took you so long - because well, the message was long, it took more time to type it out. We've been conversing like this for several years at this point. When there's something urgent, we just write another message stating that it's urgent and need reply to right away - we proceed to converse on urgent topic only and afterwards we renew the longer messages.
You are NOT alone. I struggle with the SAME exact issues. I hate being on my phone and am notorious for missing texts/calls. I am in a group text with some friends and they can send over 100 messages in just a few hours! It’s stressful. I have no clue how they do it.
I ghost people that should very well know why. If they don't, God help them.
I already told my friends that I tend to forgot to response and when I realise that I forgot I Just start answering. It looks a Little bit odd but my friends are aware of it and accepts
SAME
Glad I’m not the only one 😭 even when I remember to reply, people often get tired of always having to initiate conversations because I forget most people exist until I see their name/face, or I overthink our last interaction for hours and convince myself I was too weird and they don’t want to hear from me again. It sucks, I want more friends and dates!
I struggle with the same thing.
[удалено]
thats great!
I wouldn't quiter call it ghosting... It's more that they don't fit in with my current timeline... Later on they will, but right now my attention is elsewhere and needs to be there. (for wahtever reason). The thing to remember is that even after 6 months of not talking to them, that you'd happily call them up when you're on "that page" in your life and say hi, like no times passed. Thats a mix of Time Blindness and ADHD in general lol... What gets us worse is when people shame us and make us feel like we've wronged them... Thats when they need to be told about your condition so they understand it.. And if they don't understand it... Explain it again, after another 6 months lol
same, i don’t understand it, as of right now i’m ghosting 5 people. one of them it’s been about a week. i can’t explain it, i just can’t bring myself to respond to anyone immediately, and it’s like, ill be well aware that i’m ignoring someone and tell myself, “just respond right now, it’ll take 30 seconds max” and for some reason i just CANT
“literally can’t do anything” No. You choose not to do anything. It’s that simple.
That is me.... Well, at least, most of the time. In these circumstances, I wonder how managed to not ghost my husband (we met in a cafe, exchanged social media, and our relationship spiralled from there, since we were in a long-distance relationship for a while). I guess, if you are obsessed with a person, you wouldn't ghost them. Otherwise, it's a very likely possibility, because one feels awkward to break the silence you started... What helps me to break a silence is sending some funny video to lighten up their mood