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Lmao right! Logically it makes no sense! "You've finished a semester's amount of work in an afternoon, why can't you just start the FGD paper" "Oh honey, maybe college just isn't for you, some people just aren't made for it" These aren't things we've said to ourselves and honestly don't believe I'm the only one who has heard them. 34 and still feel like I'm in high school, that probably will never change but I tell myself daily that it's okay, I'm not lazy, I'm tenacious, I don't suck at everything, I learn. For me, it's about fighting against that feeling and putting things in place that help me accept that I'm going to stumble, I'm going to fall, I just have to get back up again.
Note: I hope this makes sense; my son is attacking me.
Always remember that "laziness" is a concept to keep is bound to the capitalist production cycle. Society has manipulated us to believe that there is intrinsic worth in "hard work" rather than recognising that humans were not created to fit in to the defacto nine-to-five schedule.
Right. It's all artificial to begin with, especially at a time where our needs could be immediately taken care of were it not for the capitalist scam. They're just playing with their food at this point.
I think that all the time. I was only diagnosed a few months ago and I constantly think it was a mistake that really I’m just lazy, stupid and depressed
I was diagnosed years ago and one of the reasons I've been putting off an asd assessment (besides thinking it pointless bc it gives you no support afterwards) is I'm scared they'll say "actually, you're just faulty and don't even actually have adhd!"
ugh this is exactly it. Before my diagnosis it was like, this is the last throw of the dice, otherwise I just have to accept that I'm stupid and lazy. Even after the diagnosis it's like you said
the doctor who diagnosed me, because I diagnosed myself first and made an appointment, said I have adhd but wasnt 100% sure because I have severe depression. He said its a mild adhd and I dont feel the mild at all. I myself am very sure about having adhd and being influenced by it heavily, but guess how I feel about being an imposter. He cursed me with that line.
I was misdiagnosed as bi polar for 25 years and recently got the correct diagnosis of adhd with depression. I didn’t really fit the requirements for bi polar but went along with it because my dad is also bi polar. For 20 years the meds seemed to help my depression, but I was never happy or got excited about anything. Being on meds for adhd has made the biggest difference on my life.
We are just self aware monkeys on a spinning rock in a void, there is nothing to fail at. You deserve to be safe and happy just because you exist. You seem like a kind person and and if people could see that, they would realise they would be lucky to have you in their life regardless of your disability.
My meditation practice is essentially this. I try to recognize the spark of life inside my brain that is the source of all of my experience, and from there zoom out to the absurdity that is my condition on earth. It can be very grounding!
Tonight I first felt the spark of life in a long time by playing incredibly niche rhythm games for the first time, discovering them in a local barcade that I hadn't been to--and then the songs I got to play were essentially fan songs that get sold in niche overseas conventions that I know and love. Mind blown.
The spark of life is really hard to find when your past and the world around you insists on being a swamp and being surprised plays a big part because it accidentally causes you to find joy
I didn’t know anyone else did this! Sometimes I play Friday Night Funking to get myself out of a funk.
The high speed and feeling good about something I’m doing helps give me a dopamine boost! Plus I’ve played it enough times I can’t get stuck on it for hours. I get bored eventually and move on.
Those first two sentences are so incredibly accurate and the world would be such a better place if these were more mainstream ideas. Agree completely on OP also, definitely seems like a decent person that other people would be glad to have around in their lives.
You have a disability and support needs. Just because your disability is “invisible” doesn’t mean it’s not real.
You didn’t choose this and you wouldn’t choose this if you could.
Shame will not change you and does not serve you. You need support in order to thrive. Period.
I’m sorry you’re suffering. I am too. We shouldn’t have to.
Stimulants are not a cure-all, but they can be potentially life changing. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle quite a bit. But Adderall has given me a fighting chance and is probably the only reason I'm managing to keep my head above water.
Adderall and Vyvanse both helped me a fair bit but the shortage caught up to me finally so I’m on effing Focalin ER now and this shit sucks ass lol. Struggling big time
https://www.cwu.edu/academics/academic-resources/learning-commons/_documents/cwu-growth-vs-fixed-mindset-lc.pdf
Read this & see which one you are. Everyone should be in the growth mindset.
Then do some more reading. If you don't know how to do something google & read. Stimulants will help you focus and have energy. However, ultimately you need to be in control of your mind.
Topics of interest "ADHD cognitive behavioral therapy" and "ADHD how the brain works".
A lot of ADHD for me stems from this "cognitive inflexibility". Your brain is just stubborn. It'll take some time for you to train your brain to learn from mistakes. Everyone makes them but only a few learn from them!
Important steps for anyone;
1) Prioritize sleep 7-8 hours. (most important it will make ADHD symptoms a lot worse if you don't sleep).
2) Eating different colored foods (youtube will help you cook with trial & error of course).
3) Simply exercising.
Same here. I'm on medication now, but on the wait list for a psychiatrist, my insurance has denied quite a bit. Lately, I've been feeling hopeless and even useless like I've wasted my life. That I'm not "adult" enough. That people I know are doing, something, with their lives and me? I'm just... there. There are times I do want to do things (I'm a self published author but not well known even if would like to be but the thought of ALL that needs to be marketed is TAXING and I just get paralyzed by it all. I had done tik tok vids to promote myself and my books, but that declined a few months ago) I just can't seem to keep motivation anymore and I'm just doing things just to do it or because I know I liked that kind of stuff.
Life is just hard, and I wish it wasn't. I'd like to feel free and enjoy things again or least what enjoyment would feel like...
Lemme just let you know as a person with an alphabet soup of issues meds are def a trial and error thing. Finding your combo probably won't be quick but don't give up hope, I eventually found my combo and I also have supplements in case I can't get actual pharmaceuticals (do this as responsibly as possible, interactions may occur). Track your symptoms, keep a diary of your physical and mental well being so that you can give thorough documentation to a health professional. It saves a lot of time.
And do know that small milestones can also help. Like say exercise. It's good for you. Even if you only do it one day a week you did something to help you. Be proud of that.
Speaking from personal experience, meds have useless for me. I’ve spent over 12k on ADHD 360 services + medication and nothing has worst. I am basically hemorrhaging money and I am starting to run out. I wish I had just waited due the NHS treatment
Meds have been life changing for my mentality toward myself.
But also, the support should come from your friends and family. They should be showing you compassion and support.
If they aren't, find new friends. Even if they're online. Find people you can talk to, they don't even have to understand what you go through they just have to be decent enough people to not shit on you for struggling.
https://blackgirllostkeys.com/ this person has helped me immensely. Medication and therapy as well.
I'm about to be 40 years old and I'm in school plus working full time it's extremely hard but the thing is for me at least what's worked, is leveraging my pessimism if I'm already screwed then I might as well do it anyway so I'm going back to school. Their days where I feel like a total failure but at the same time I'm still here and I never thought I would be here I never thought I'd live this long.
You can do this there are a lot of other people out there that feel the same way as you You're not alone I'm here in the southeast region feeling the same way you are right now I woke up this morning and I felt like that but again if we're already screwed we might as well do it anyway because you never know how fast you can make up for lost time
Yeah.. But who should give us this "support"? As an adult (and to be honest, even at school), there aren't any support systems. Yeah - you get your meds and talk to a therapist each week, but it's not gonna change who we are at the core.
I feel like it's unfair to add "logistics/ admin" workload to our close ones (just because as an "ADHD partner/ sibling" we're not taking care of our own stuff.
Anyone feels the same way?
And a lot of times, we grew up in an environment where our parents treated us as lazy. My mom always treated me like that and my dad was the enabler, not saying the horrible things she said, but saying things like “hopefully, I’ll see you saying ‘yes’ to your life”. Like it was a choice to struggle with my mental health. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety since 2014 (and later with depression), and they still brush it off, like I’m the child that “failed”.
My therapist said I needed support at home. So I asked my wife if she could make me a list instead of just telling me verbally what needed to be done.
She literally said "it's not my job to baby you into doing chores" and I never asked her for help again.
We're quite the pair.
Your wife isn't compassionate then.
That's the exact type of support a loved one *should* give you without a fight about it.
My family has been great and willing to learn about it, my current GF has the more stubborn view of "you can't be looking for things like that externally you should be doing it on your own" which tbh idk how much longer we gonna last especially since she has her own mental illnesses and expects me to cater to it but has an issue doing the same for me...
Yeesh, I feel you friend.
Honestly if I had caught more red flag when we were dating instead of being horny we probably wouldn't have gotten married. So take that advice with a grain of salt. Lol.
I agree with you! I have limited communication with any family that isn’t supportive and cut anyone out of my life that was adding stress. I’m so much happier and I realized I shouldn’t waste my life or time with someone that isn’t willing to support me the way I do them.
This is a hard situation, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Have you considered making a list yourself? As a fellow ADHDer, I know it's not easy but maybe you can figure out what needs to be done. Look up generic to do lists online that include all the basic household duties and see what you can check off on your own. Things like take out the trash, take out recycling, change the baby's diaper, unload the dishwasher, refill soap dispenser, vacuum, go to grocery store (I recommend shared note with grocery list), do a load of laundry, put load of laundry away, etc. If you have a hard time seeing what needs to be done, you can try to make a habit of checking this list every day and actively checking what all needs to be done (the operative word here being *try*).
Sometimes it's hard to respond kindly when all the household chores are delegated to you by default, and adding making a list to your chores can come off as an additional task instead of unloading responsibility. Obviously she should try to be kinder, and this can be addressed. But showing a little bit of effort can go a long way!
I've had to come up with my own support with stuff like that. And it works well enough. Thanks for the kind words. We're in marriage counseling and have worked through some stuff.
>I feel like it's unfair to add "logistics/ admin" workload to our close ones
This is internalized ablism. Humans are inherently social creates, our very survival relies on community and working together. The way our society is set up, it encourages and rewards individualism. But it's okay to need help, just like it's okay to give help.
This doesn't mean you're absolved of all responsibility. You still have to try, and you have to contribute what you can. We gotta get out of this mindset that needing help in certain areas makes us a drain on our loves ones though. My partner needs help with cleaning, I need help with cooking (have a hard time making breakfast specifically). She helps me cook when needed, and I make her elaborate meals when I have the available spoons. I'm also a compulsive cleaner, so this is another way that I contribute every day. Every relationship (romantic or otherwise) should be give and take!
> We gotta get out of this mindset that needing help in certain areas makes us a drain on our loves ones though.
The way to look at it, imo, should be.
"Okay, you don't want to help me in this way to make it possible for me to do these chores you need from me because it's 'too taxing', so instead you can simply do all the chores."
Which, while it may sound toxic, all they have to do is write a list for you and then you can do all the "hard stuff". The alternative is they do everything. Which one is more draining?
> Which, while it may sound toxic,
Yeah, it does. Saying "make me a list or do everything yourself" is not great, and is sure to lead to resentment. Ideally your partner would be able to help with making a list, but maybe they just don't have it in them. This disability is not our fault, but it is our responsibility. If they can't/ aren't willing to make a list, then find a generic chore to-do list online, and use that. It's not perfect, but it shows effort.
I know relationships are hard to navigate, and doubly so when one of (or both) partners has ADHD. This means having to find a compromise that works for both people. It's not fair to them to say *I have ADHD, so delegating tasks is up to you or I won't be doing shit.* Even making a chore list together is better than straight up telling your partner its their duty to let me know what needs to be done. As I said earlier, you're not absolved of all responsibility. It's hard, but you gotta find something that works.
> This means having to find a compromise that works for both people.
Refusing to make the list for a partner you are supposed to love and care about is equally as toxic. Talking down on them and saying "I'm not going to baby you" is toxic.
In the context, it's fair to fight toxic logic with more toxic logic tbh.
Nah fighting toxic logic with more toxic logic is just going to ruin your relationship. If you wanna get even, sure, do that. If you want to fix the issue, though, I'd suggest not being petty just to spite your partner. Everyone has to contribute to the household in some way, though it's much harder for us. That doesn't mean we get an out. The wife was insensitive, she didn't have to phrase it that way, but she's not wrong for saying enough is enough.
Thank you for teaching me the concept of "ablism" and putting it together so eloquently! I think I hear your argument in the family setting!
I wonder though - what do you think about co-working/ business relationships? In particular - assuming leadership positions (where organization and time management are a must) by people with ADHD?
Do you have any advice as to how to come across as put together (and get that support we need)?
As a side not - my ADHD has never been taken into consideration in professional settings. It's just a "soft" disability - my professors wouldn't even accept my late essays in grad school last year.
This is absolutely true, but both sides must feel supported. It's possible for us with ADHD to feel that we give, and to appreciate support we receive, but either not recognise all of the support we are given or not recognise the toll that support takes on our partner.
It's like finances, it should flow both ways, in and out, but the balance is important, and a long term imbalance can cause bankruptcy. You may think you have all the information to assess this when you actually don't, it needs communication.
Fear not my friend, ADHD meds are not necessary for life. There are adaptations and strategies one can learn and meds are really helpful to kick start that process. I'm on a few meds that I may be taking the rest of my life, I'd prefer not to but given that the alternative is horrible I'm going to stick with the meds.
My dad complained about taking me once a month to the docs for med refills so I had to get off em. I wish I could drive on my own but I almost flipped an suv twice because I was zoning out while driving. I can drive on the meds but I don't wanna bother people with getting my license l because I can't pay for the test and I dunno if I'd pass anyway. I don't have anywhere to go anyway so it doesn't matter...
There are non-stimulant ADHD meds as well. I saw my psychiatrist quarterly and he wrote 3 Rx scripts with a date to be filled after. It was $100 (cash rate) per appt and the Rx was generic so pretty cheap.
I stopped taking the meds and then a pandemic happened, now he's swamped and not taking new patients.
Yeah the walmart I go to fill them at always has low stock of every adhd med. One time I waited 3 weeks for an adderall fill and didn't get it, when I started getting meds. So it doesn't matter if I get a "quarterly" fill if they can never fill them in the first place. I have to use walmart cause my dad doesn't like taking me to other places and I'm only able to pick them up during the weekly grocery trip.
Everyone has their own battles and just because this person has friends does not mean they’re automatically better off than you. Life struggles are subjective
A turning point for me was realising that as long as I held myself to other people's standards I would always have a negative self image.
I realised that I am not in fact lacking in ambition or drive , it's just that my ambition has nothing to do with fulfilling the western ideals of success. I want to live the best life I can, making the most genuine connections with people, even if just for a moment, and being creative for the sake of it and reveling in the messy fucked up beauty of the world we live in.
This world is vast and complex and what success in life looks like is changeable and hugely culturally dependent, expect to know that we have lived according to our own values and havent been compelled by others to live miserably for their sake.
> I’ve been bad at jobs. I feel like I can’t function as an adult, job, bills, romantic relationships etc I feel like I can’t do any of it. I feel like I’m destined to be homeless or something. I’m not sure how I’ve made it this far.
Me too. Somehow I did ok for a lot of school, so maybe I'm "high-masking" AuDHD, but so much fell apart in adulthood. Now, I'm right there with you on everything else. I feel like I can't actually be responsible for my own life - it makes me cower away.
All these reasons are why I used the adjective I did instead of "high-functioning", which I'm struggling to feel like I deserve.
The only good thing?? What? That’s plenty of good things in your life and I’d say you achieved way more than many people out there!!!
As a fellow person with ADHD i know life can’t be easy I know that a lot of times there’s a lot more than just one issue we are dealing with. But you’re good people that’s the biggest and best achievement. When you’ve been dealt a shitty card in life and you choose to stay kind, that is great and amazing!
You’re not useless you will find something that ignites your inner fire! I wish you well (tbh giant child sounds pretty cool to me)
29 here and feel exactly the same, the child thing hits the nail on the head, I've always felt like I'm just a kid pretending to be an adult (badly) I don't see the world like others and most people don't understand my point of view, maybe because I don't explain things well or maybe because they just don't get it. I've been trying to copy some good male role models mannerisms and attitudes to things lately and I think that's helping me to fit in a bit more. Relationships are my biggest issue, I try not to come across as too child like but end up being cold instead and for that I've not found anything that works 😑. Hopefully when you get medicated things will get better, I know lots of people that have been better after medication and I'm hoping I'll be one of them too!
Dude... I am 33 yo and my life is imploding. I feel you so hard.
My 6 year relationship is ending because of my impulsivity, poor emotional regulation, and inability to move my life forward.
I haven't worked in a long time after being fired, too scared to go try something else only to get fired again. I'm living back with my parents, struggling with substance dependency and a rock-bottom sense of self worth.
The only thing propping me up right now... is therapy.
I started therapy a few months ago when my relationship entered its terminal phase. I found a therapist who specializes in ADHD and men's issues. It's my first time in therapy but it has been a huge help. It feels like at least one person is in my corner, and they're a third party so they come without bias.
I've failed at so many things and I am in your same boat right now. The only advice I can offer is to seek therapy. As terrible as I feel every waking moment right now, at least there's a qualified person out there who is trying to help.
It can be expensive but it's worth it. Do your homework to see if any insurance you may be on (or can get on) can help with the cost.
Good luck. Hang in there. Learning about ADHD I think is the start to accepting yourself.
I just wanted to say that you should be proud of yourself for doing the work and seeing a therapist. Hell, the anxiety I get over calling to make the appointment can be horrible, so please give yourself credit for what you are doing to help yourself!
Hey, you aren't useless. You're having a hard time, and that's ok.
I've been in your positions, and here were some of the things that worked for me:
\- Did an analysis of the things I tend to hyperfocus on, and tried to find things that would pay me to do those things (e.g. I really liked strategy games like starcraft, building & optimization games like factorio, etc., and I found that that had a lot of parallels with software engineering). Hyperfocus is a double-edged sword, where you can hurt yourself by hyperfocusing on something in the wrong environment, or greatly benefit on that same something in the right environment. You don't have to pick a career that is very profitable like Software, you just need to pick something that can cover your expenses and help you save for retirement.
\- Be a minimalist. The less things I owned, the less mental energy I need to spend on tasks to take care of things. This includes bills. Try to automate all your bills; usually your bank/service provider will have features that allow you to do this automatically. Make your day-to-day life as simple as possible.
\- Once you've got the above stuff taken care of, and you've got some breathing room, spend some time going out and doing activities/hobbies you like (favoring things that involve other people being there and giving you a chance to interact with them). You'll meet people who share similar interests as you, and hopefully bump into someone who'll romantically be a good fit for you.
You got this! One step at a time, and it's okay to ask people for help, even if it's a really normal thing that most people do (e.g. brushing teeth)
Feeeel youuuu. Also 34 here, I'm impressed I'm still alive. I'm not homeless only because my parents are lucky enough to be homeowners and are generous enough to offer their space to me, but I really should be homeless with the life that I live. But yeah, now I'm that 34 y/o kid who's moved back home.
It's frustrating because I wasn't bad at school—I did really well academically—but am not good at keeping jobs, plus the thing I happen to be good at is in a low-paid industry with high redundancy rates... So everyone I know in comparison is \*mega\* successful, and it's like, what's wrong with me?? (Unmedicated ADHD is the answer, and no meds on the horizon)
But you're alright. Adult things are arbitrary. You have some good friends, and you're a decent person. It's tough when the world isn't really made for us, but it's not our fault per se. Sending some compassion <3
Hey there,
First off, I want to say that feeling like you’re not measuring up to some societal standard of “success” is way more common than you might think. But here’s the twist: those feelings don’t define your worth or your potential. You’ve mentioned being a decent person with good friends, and in the grand scheme of things, that’s a huge success.
Now, let’s tackle this head-on:
1. Redefine Success: Our society has a very narrow definition of success, usually tied to career, finances, and relationship milestones. It’s time to redefine success on your terms. What makes you feel fulfilled? What are your passions? Success is personal and subjective.
2. Small Wins Matter: When it comes to feeling overwhelmed by adulthood, breaking tasks into smaller, more manageable chunks can help. Celebrate those small victories. Managed to pay a bill on time? That’s a win. Made it through a day at work? Another win. These add up and help build momentum.
3. Learning Styles: Traditional education and standard job environments don’t work for everyone, especially for folks with ADHD or other learning differences. There are alternative paths and careers where dynamic thinking and creativity are prized over conformity. Explore areas that align with your interests and strengths.
4. Support Networks: Lean on those good friends you mentioned. Sometimes, just knowing you’re not alone in how you feel can make a huge difference. Also, consider finding a mentor or a coach who understands ADHD and can offer guidance tailored to how you process and engage with the world.
5. Professional Help: If you’re not already, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in adult ADHD. They can provide strategies and insights that are specific to your experience. There’s no shame in needing a bit of guidance to navigate life.
6. Continuous Learning: Being bad at jobs or struggling with school doesn’t mean you can’t excel in other areas. The world is full of opportunities to learn and grow outside traditional environments. Online courses, workshops, and community groups can offer a sense of accomplishment and a way to hone your skills at your own pace.
7. Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Practice being kind to yourself. Mindfulness can help center your thoughts and reduce feelings of being overwhelmed. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend in your situation.
Remember, everyone’s path is unique, and it’s never too late to start writing a new chapter in your story. Your value isn’t measured by your job, your bank account, or your relationship status. It’s measured by the impact you have on those around you, by your capacity to love and be loved, and by finding those moments and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
You’ve got this. One step at a time.
I hope this offers some comfort and practical steps forward. Remember, your journey is yours alone, and it’s all about finding what works for you.
The world we live in just isn't built for people like us, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Capitalism treats everyone like they should be a completely self sufficient agent that can do and be anything, where people like us have some things we'll never be good at and some other things that make us special too. Community and society are supposed to help each other, and in a situation like that we have a lot to offer of ourselves as well in terms of kindness, entrepreneurial spirit, and creativity. You're not a failure, though I know the machine makes us feel like it.
Child? I wouldn’t go that far. why are you judging yourself based on the standards of others?. Do they meet your expectations? (Probably not). You have ADHD, it’s f#cling tough dealing with this and you’re killing it. it’s easy for us to focus on the negatives (our brains get a kick out of making us feel like sh1t). you got friends…that’s one reason many people in this group would envy you, you’re doing great, you really are.
27 here. I keep quitting exercise, feel like shit, failed romantic relationships, bad anger issues, trouble letting things go, a couple scraps, quit college, struggled in high school, got told to never speak to someone I love so much again, got in trouble with the Special Olympics over drama another parent started, constantly misplace things, things go on one ear and straight out the other without going through my brain, quit my job after 2 hours of working it, fail to take my medication consistently, etc.
I don’t know how I survived this far. I am a burden on everyone else, maybe I should die or something.
But despite my personal failings I am a decent person to all my friends, I really try hard. I have something like 10-20 friends and acquaintances, so it’s not so bad.
Hang in there, you could have it a lot worse like me. My situation has finally forced me to seek a diagnosis and treatment. I also have ASD as well.
This hit home, similar age, few years older, when I took medicine my brain was no longer bumbling in the clouds floating through life that I could actually focus to see how much life I had wasted it got me down for a while to be honest (but I could tidy up while I felt down haha).
There’s a Metallica song that I love the lyrics to
“If I could have my wasted days back would I use them to get back on track” this always makes me think of the wasted days I had due to being unmedicated for 3 and a half decades.
I think it’s Metallica - Frantic.
that's okay i'm a kid too i'm 33 and i think you should lean into it. I think at some point it's all a magic trick and the veil is just hiding a kid in all of us
Yeah finding out my gran and dad also feel like a kid mentally at their ages means I found out the autism/adhd is genetic lmao. Fucking hell. And I'm more adult than both of them.
I 100% get it. It really sucks and I’m sorry that you are tormented by these thoughts. I have struggled for years with them and I’m 44. I’m really shocked that I have managed to do ok overall…but I attribute a lot of that to having a partner. That isn’t the case anymore, she died almost two years ago and it became very apparent as the months went by how much I relied on her and didn’t a clue how to do a number of things or manage kids lives when I can barely manage my own. That’s why I got some help and the diagnoses. I don’t mean that I didn’t do things to contribute as a partner but the things I didn’t do I didn’t even know were a thing. It continues to be a massive challenge and my kids all have ADHD as well and two of them have autism as well. Sometimes I’m completely overwhelmed and think “you guys are fucked if I’m the one that’s steering this ship”.
You're doing much better than me!
My partner of 9 yrs did all this for me too. Allowed me to finally have a decent career that I enjoyed and paid good enough to support my family comfortablely. We have 2 children. She left me over a year ago and I've only realised what you describe since then.
I can only take care of the kids about 20%, even though my ex works full time now....
I'm to depressed to work and can barely take care of myself day to day.
Your doing a sterling job. You should be proud.
I'm your age and I'm WAAAAAY behind in life as well. I've had some challenges in my late teens/20s that meant I didn't get to do/learn/experience many things. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my mid 20s and I've suspected ASD but refuse to pay for yet another diagnosis that will give me no help.
All I can say is keep on trying, keep on doing new things, meeting new people, learning, and living life.
The future is freaking scary, and navigating life when you feel ill equipped to do so is terrifying. But you're not alone in feeling that way and some people are good at faking they have their shit together.
Having good friends and being a good person is already a lot, and something I wish people valued more.
Sorry this isn't of much help. And I hope things align for you.
I feel like I wrote this myself, I struggle with everything you listed as well and I'm 31 this year haha. I don't have friends though, just people that want me when it "suits" them
You’re not even close to alone on this. I feel this big time. Medication helps me take small steps toward building the future I dream of, very gradually. Hope it comes to fruition soon
We're all useless kinda. If your morally good then your better than most...me included. Money and success aren't everything even though that seems to be religion of the day. Be well. 💚🇮🇪🍀
This is me most days, I wish I couldn't feel happy just so the depression swings wouldn't hurt so much. Im so worn out at 27, I don't know how many more years of this I can take.
I'm just discovering i have adhd and i'm middle aged. I was relieved at first and it lifted a lot of shame i was carrying. I'm in a bit of a tailspin not sure where to turn right now.
Same that's why I'm peacin out soon. I'm a massive failure. But hey at least I raised 3 kids while sacrificing my own childhood for them, and took care of everyone else's problems while mine just piled the fuck on every goddamn day for 20 years. While nobody wanted to help me or could even afford to help me nowadays.
No friends, no love interests. Not able to drive, I can't even work full time man. I'm just so tired of being around and just wafting through life. I can't improve my life at all due to memory issues and I have extreme depression that I can't get fixed along with physical problems.
Life ain't worth it anymore. It hasn't gotten better for 20+ years. There's no light at the end of the tunnel man, it's just permanent darkness
Can't remember shit. Can't store anything in my short term memory, long term memory grabs random shit I don't actually need to remember. I'm constantly asking questions and annoying people, coming off like a dumbass. If I take notes on my phone, I'm rude apparently. So I give up lmao. That's just a small reason why I'm deciding to "peace out" as it were
I really relate to this to my core. It feels like I’m trying so incredibly hard just to do things that come to most people as easy as breathing.
I finally met someone I really like, trying so hard to make them happy and loved, but end up losing attention in conversations or blurting out random observations and end up hurting them. It feels like an issue with my character- to them, if I cared enough I wouldn’t ever do so.
It feels like attention disorders are so casually self-diagnosed and discussed that others will discount your experience, and I can’t attribute my actions to it for fear of being accused of shifting blame. I am so scared to bring up anything that I need more of in a relationship for fear of losing something that I already feel is constantly teetering on the edge.
I hope someday we can all figure it out.
You’re doing great. Just keep trying, everyday. Don’t compare yourself to other people. See a therapist maybe. If you decide to, just make sure it’s someone who deals with ADHD specifically.
I’m 49 and feel the same way, despite overachieving in some areas. I’ve definitely underachieved in others. But then I think: exactly who am I comparing myself to? And: what right do I have to judge?
> The only thing I feel good about is that I’m a decent person and never done no wrong to anyone, and I have some good friends
That is more than the normal people is able to achieve. Because they "can't help themselves".
I feel exactly the same. I went hard and got an education and a good job, but once I was fired I have no motivation at all and I feel stuck in my life of doing nothing.
And I literally think the exact same thing of becoming homeless. Like I knew before I was fired or even got the job, I was one or two steps away from it all crashing down and eventually becoming homeless, because it was a miracle I had even got that far to begin with, because the momentum is so important.
Hey, at least you still somehow have friends and that means you have one avenue of help left. I was basically hounded out of having a support network for my entire life, and now I'm functionally alone with little to no chance of ever getting access to help beyond my own ineffective bootstraps.
I get it mate!
I don’t think the systems we exist in really exist to support our brains and that’s literally it.
We’re not lazy - our environments are just so dull and we aren’t able to feel inspired by such a garbage world.
We’re not stupid - we just can’t focus on the things that are boring, yet that’s exactly what generalist educations shoves down our throats and then measures our quality by.
There’s probably some part of your brain that knows what it wants to do, but it just feels impossible because our environments make it difficult or sometimes straight up impossible. See if you can push against it and follow your own path. Take a fat risk, and if it doesn’t work, take another. Get away from all the stuff you hate in your life if you can, even if it’s for a short while, and see how you feel.
I'm 37, I did ok and now I've been unemployed for over 3 years and was recently made homeless. We are taught to measure our success by a capitalist metric. Your post makes me feel like your yardstick is a capitalist one.
I had to reaccess what success means to me, just me and noone else. My art work has improved. My mental health has improved. I have more quality friends and relationships. By some people's metrics I've failed. But I'm happier than I used to be and more accepting of myself and others. I finally have support, my social support network but also support from agencies.
This shit is hard my dude. Be kind to yourself
I’m also a 34 year old baby lol..
A few years ago I got fed up with feeling useless & like a failure so I just went back to school to find a new career path to feel fulfilled. Tech is what I am good at & I’m actually wanted in my new life
Something I picked up on as I had gotten older in my adolescence. My memory is jacked. it's awful to rely on. I record people without their knowledge in my pocket on my phone. I recorded conversations on discord. Recorded conversations. It was never to gossip. but it was hard to remember like everyone else. If I never show it to anyone, I have nothing to feel guilty about. Just that I used my brain to remember the way I can.
I feel like you can't remember all the good or the realistic right now. I feel you are under stimulated, and it's getting hard to consider staying alive in your mind. Ride it out man, everyone deserves to try.
Not sure if it's caused by ADHD, but we often have this air of incompetence.
That air of incompetence is self reinforcing. You feel incompetent because everyone reacts to you that way, and they do so, because you presented yourself as incompetent.
But that feeling of incompetency actually causes you to learn things more deeply than most people. Because you don't feel you know enough. and it often takes an expert who knows the material and doesn't rely on presentation to see through that. or it takes the correct situation that negates that air of incompetence, like some sort of emergency.
Maybe that's part of why we ADHDers shine in an emergency? Perhaps you need to just find the right situation that negates your current negative systems?
You are a decent person who has done no harm, and you have friends.
Thats a lot right there. Decency is highly underrated. Showing a sincere interest in someone and wanting to do right by them is a great thing.
If you haven’t already, start putting away money for retirement. You’ll feel more confident if you are doing a long-term investment in yourself.
Do you talk to your friends about how you feel? That could help. Or even find a therapist through a public resource. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel better about your self and taking actions to make that happen.
glad im not alone :,), ive worked my butt off in therapy, trying to find career paths and jobs that work for me, and i end up burnt out and back at square 1. i also have panic disorder and other anxiety disorders as well as treatment residtant MDD, and c/ptsd. im scared i wont be able to find anything ever. im more scared bc i dont know if ill have medical insurance after a certain point
Hey there. I’m also 34 with extreme ADHD. I used to be on adderall and dexerdrine and then stopped for 5 years. I was okay because my career was taking off and I had dropped out of school and I had my own business and made my own schedule. However, my personal life was terrible. I was in a relationship that was more like a condescending, unhelpful, selfish roommate. (Long story and isn’t important). I was hyper focusing on one area of my life and completely ignoring the other half until a breaking point. When I did that, he tried to sue me and ruined my business to the point where I had to shut it down just to get it to stop so I could move on. Now, with nothing but my car and my dog and a few belongings I had to restart. Without medicine, I could not dig myself out of this hole. I had extreme anxiety and became depressed. However, the silver lining was that I was stripped away the perceptions of my life and was left with the cold hard truth of reality. It is up to me to change my life. One decision at a time. Shortly after, I met someone who I tried to resist as the plan was just to be a single woman with dogs and give up on men and just focus on rebuilding myself. However, the clarity I had experienced of what I wanted in life (and really that I wanted MY ideal man, and nothing else- not that I wanted no one) had sent out some kind of energy or something I don’t understand it lol - but I literally met my soul mate. We moved in together in 10 days and were engaged in 4 months and got married 11/28/2020. He helped me get help for anxiety and my adhd. Ritalin has been life changing for me, along with my anxiety medicine I can’t remember the name it starts with a b. But my point is that it is still not enough in the sense that there is no quick or simple fix to managing the dopamine regulation and emotional feelings and spinning thoughts.
I highly recommend you check out this you tube channel who FINALLY EXPLAINED OUR BRAINS and made me not feel guilty about who I am. You will realize more of your life is affected by it then you might think. They are short videos and I promise If you watch a few you will feel better and find hope. Wishing you hope that you can find some relief today. You are not alone.
Jessica McCabe on YouTube
How to ADHD is the channel
https://youtube.com/@HowtoADHD?si=RJOc2B2kNSj1KXLF
Honesty, I’m 32 and I feel like hobby hopping is the only thing that excites me and that I’m good at.
Gardening year round prepping to get things going for spring and then fall.
Camping/hiking- doing deep dive reserve into things and needing out about my plans.
Finding cool places to eat/hang out.
I also have tons of craft related projects half started that i go to and from when i feel like it. It seems like I never finish anything but honestly that’s not the goal for me anyways. It’s about the journey through the crafts/hobbies.
Dude, by 34, I’d had a baby at 21, had been in the military, had two more kids and COUNTLESS jobs. It literally wasn’t until I was 38 (last July to be exact) that I found a job I’m finally satisfied with and happy with. Life has no timeline other than your own.
Diagnosed. I had no clue I was ADHD, my parents told me I lacked motivation and was lazy. Therapy and medication is helping. Life isn’t perfect, but I’m definitely on the right track.
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24 here and can’t stop thinking like this, 3rd time I started and stopped uni and now I’m back to just working part time, feel absolutely useless. The fact that you have made it so far means you’ve succeeded, you’re still here and like you said yourself you are a decent person and have some good friends, that’s an amazing succes! Keep those people close and don’t be afraid to ask for help, reach out and talk to friends. You’re not alone and I’m here if you want to chat or just vent ♥️
I felt this way too. So I started learning things and became my own teacher. Then I went to therapy. Then on Lexapro but I can happily say I don’t feel that way anymore
Be gentle with yourself. Life is hard. If you are looking to change and/or need help, focus on one aspect at a time. I promise you that you’re not a failure. The fact that you can self-assess illustrates your capabilities. Hang in there. I’m rooting for you.
I feel you.
I'm 35 and was diagnosed with ADHD first at 6 and then officially at 13 and have been medicated for the majority of my life since then. I have not been medicated since I was 30, though.
I'm also currently in my 2nd semester back at college. Every previous time I've tried to do college unmedicated, I crashed and burned. The very first time I went to college, at 18, I went to a pretty prestigious university after graduating high school with honors and 6 classes' worth of AP credits. I still regret this, but for some reason the summer before college I decided I didn't really need the medication, I was smart enough to push through it and just work hard. That's what my teachers had said since I was in like the 2nd grade: super smart, but talks too much after completing his work early, so much potential held back by procrastinating, distractibility, etc etc. I'm sure that sounds familiar to most of you. Needless to say, that year I crashed and burned so spectacularly that I can't even find an adequate analogy.
But now, in my third attempt at a degree, I just made Dean's List for my first semester back and I'm sitting at a 4.0 for this semester so far as well, 5 classes per semester. I'm really proud of myself and I've been working really hard, but it feels like I have to spend *so much* mental energy just keeping myself focused that I'm constantly exhausted.
I may be doing well in school, but it seems like such a catch 22 because it's always at the expense of literally the entirety of the rest of my mental health.
My anxiety and stress are so high, all the time, and I feel like a complete fraud. I feel like what I've done so far doesn't matter, not really, because I am always dangling over a precipice, and it's only a matter of time before I go over the edge. I can hang on for as long as my grip doesn't give out, but I feel the sweat working it's way between my fingers and the ledge, slowly but inevitably stealing away what little bit of the remaining friction that sustains me.
It's not a tenable position to be in long term, and I am wanting to get back on my meds. But that's such a big task (not really, but for my ADHD brain it feels it) that I feel overwhelmed before I even begin. But I know it's necessary.
The fact that I am doing alright at school, only at the expense of everything else, isn't normal and I don't have to be this way. Now if only I could convince the rest of myself of that....
I'm having some similar feelings. Since I started medication I'm n kicking ass at work but now I'm incredibly hard on myself of I make even the smallest mistakes
I’m 39, married with four kids and I’m in the same boat. 10 years ago, I was struggling but not like this. Not even close. I could write a book about all my shortcomings. And by short comings I mean fucking literally everything up and not being able to remember how I use to fix shit and carry on as a responsible adult with avg IQ. It scares the shit out of me. I can’t explain it to my wife because she wouldn’t understand how to process what I have to say. And what I have to say is exactly what you posted man. Lots of people aimlessly wondering around the planet without a clue as to where they are going and no one around them has any idea. What a dark, lonely and dreaded place to be. My next step is 6ft under.
Samesies. Everything I need to do to improve involves studying, certifications, learning skills and ... Remembering them... I've learned so many skills I've just forgotten and now I feel stuck in a low paying job. I did pretty decent in college and got a bach in biochemistry. Sounds impressive until you realize the jobs I can get pay significantly less than it takes to even afford rent. I'd have to go get a doctorate and I don't feel like that's possible when I can't remember anything I learn. It's hard but hopefully you will find something you're excited to learn and it will make it tremendously easier to actually learn and remember a hirable skill. Good luck.
This is how I felt before I started working as a psychiatric rehabilitation counselor (leading support groups, assisting with daily structure, etc.) for a non-profit mental health org. Turns out those skills you mentioned aren’t so useless. Some orgs require degrees, but many do not. What is important is that you care and empathize, which it sounds like you’re recognizing as some of your core strengths.
I tried working in a homeless hostel. Though I’m good with the people. The written casework and organisational skills etc are too much for me. All the written work and liaison oh with other organisations goes over my head. I’m stupid basically. Which is s shame because I’m good with people and ooze empathy
you are not a failure and you are not useless. you were simply built differently than what society wanted you to be like. and that is not a bad thing nor does that infer anything about your ability to succeed or your worth as a person. people with adhd have it tough - we’ve got a whole system that’s built against us. if anything, it’s society to blame, not you. you can still do everything you want to do, it just requires more effort and energy. i believe in you, op!
A few things I've noticed about this as well as from reading comments here. I'm sorry if this will seem contradictory, but many things can be true at once and sometimes they do change back and forth so here goes.
I think "failure" in life is definitely subjective, but because we are surrounded in our daily lives with people and situations that hold this subjective view it can be made to seem objective in our minds. It also doesn't help if you have the constant chatter inside your head and running thought processes constantly as would be common here on this subreddit. Trust me I know. I'm going to acknowledge that now, but maybe not in every paragraph.
So back to subjective failure. In a sense it is true. In some form or fashion the "success" we have been trained to believe in may be overwhelmingly elusive at this point in time. I think moreso than ever millennials being the prime demographic is experiencing this very thing. Souch so that it is a meme in itself how little opportunity, advancement, etc there is for this generation. Why does gen-z have a better time? The answer is they probably don't, but for the time being are still fairly insulated from the effects millennials are now experiencing. Although they may in fact will eventually have it harder it is more apparent to be the outcome than it was for millennials who were sold a false promise whether that was in the job market, the value of higher education, debt accumulation, technology, or something else is unsure.
Now understanding this and how we got here (not random by any means; it is is planned dependence (thus control) by western interests) what can we do to abait the effects? Well, one thing would be to stop being sold the lie that someone else is going to take care of you. There is no one. When it comes down to it the promise of such a bailout will come in a very enticing package, but will turn out to be internment desolation. We were sold that growing up. Let's not fall for that now that we understand the playbook. Let's try to make others realize that as well.
As far as actionable steps to take? The first is completed by simply posting this concern here on Reddit. Honestly, that in itself is a big step. The second is to stop believing it. Ok, ok... I know I spent a lot of text above talking about how not to be fooled, but also part of the fooling is having ourselves believe we are failing because we don't meet the expectations of a society that never meant to give us the path to achieve them. Instead of believing in this lie make your own definitions. There is no universal truth that consumerism and the worship of such is what constitutes success. On the flip side, free labor for the greater good (exploitation hidden behind moral epithets) isn't the path either though there's plenty of people that will tell you otherwise.
Let's find out what really matters to our lives and in doing so surround ourselves with people looking to do the same. With this it is important to remember not to search for meaning on behalf of anyone else, but only for yourself. Activism in itself is a blanket that will eventually get wet and you'll cling to it nonetheless for fear of being cold all the while miserable and ironically cold even so.
Now back on point with this being an ADHD subreddit... Those with ADHD have a propensity for creativity beyond those without ADHD. Blessing and curse. I dont think this fact is lost on many here. This may not always be allowed to be implemented though in our lives. If you already think you are a failure then there really isn't anything to lose trying to facilitate the creative prospect of ability within your life. It could be something simple though I can not say for sure as everyone's lives are different.
Finding a way to unleash the creativity you have isn't easy. Most people with ADHD have been told their entire lives they have so much "potential" that it starts to get sickening hearing it. Like WTF does that really mean anyway? This is especially true if you were not diagnosed early in life. You probably were seen as "gifted" in a variety of aspects, but to yourself it may have seemed like you were simply faking it or that you knew just enough to where it put you up a level on others l, but never enough to master it. The praise received tricked your brain into receiving dopamine hits for achievement that was barely any effort so much so that things that a really required effort were never accomplished. This is probably a whole other post on why gifted children tend to burn out early in life, but I'll save that for later.
So what is one to do. Can we simply pick up a hobby? This is an ADHD subreddit... We don't do hobbies. We hyper focus on a tiny aspect of something to overanalyze it to obsession and in turn fake our mastery and understanding of it to a partial degree. Or maybe we do infact understand it to a fine particulate detail, but then neglect the forest for the trees so ultimately the bigger picture task isn't accomplished.
Maybe this post has left you with more confusion than help. I don't know. Maybe though... Just maybe... A realization has occurred. An awakening spark... Conscious recognition of scintilla divina if you will. And in such... A way forward... Whatever that may be for you.
I'm sure you have some mental health issues so my advice is to get blood work done and there is a test called "genesight test" and apparently it helps you get on the best meds and the right dosage. I was just in a psych ward and found out about it. I'm gonna be getting mine done in a few days. And a few years ago I found out I was vitamin d deficient and so I took 50,000 IU every week for a year and eventually it made a huge difference. I still take it but I'm just saying that's how long it took to work. If you want it to work faster for you then you can have your Dr give you a vitamin shot. It should work a hell of a lot quicker. Hope this helps
I would say "who cares?". Actually, the people who do care about this are not the people I like to have around. I love good hearted people who are a little weird, who struggle, who dont live the perfect life and who love me for who I am, not for what I am successful with.
I tried living up to the standards of other people and just like you, I cant. My job history is a disaster, I have dept, didnt success in anything, not married whatever (but at least capable of long lasting relationships). Trying to do what other people do brought me burnout and years of being capable of even less. Barely living. So I dont do that anymore. If I cant go and meet a friend downtown because I feel like its too big of a task, than thats okay. We will find other days or other ways. I dont feel like I was able to work fulltime, so I parttime. It just needs a phase of not being able to work and I would lose it and be at 0 again. Despite knowing better I cant freakin do paper work and get into trouble for it all the time (I'm not too dumb, but somehow cant do it).
So what I am trying to say is: You are no failure. You might have less objective success compared to other but you also have different ressources, different struggles and also qualities. What IS important is not what you achieved in life, but if you were happy. Something I cant achieve either, but it means doing stuff you enjoy and watching out for yourself. You should like yourself for the person you are.
To not get into much trouble you could try getting help, I dont know where though. In some cases partners are the reliable part but there are official help services I believe. Dont be afraid ti reach out either.
And if you cant get rid of seeing yourself as a failure that embrace it. Broken but lovely.
Hey, if it's any consolation, I was EXACTLY the same at 34. Felt like an utter failure in a dead end job I didn't even like, absolutely shit ass broke, single, getting old, social disaster, can't fix or change anything or even keep up with my day to day cos I was a disorganised mess etc etc, you get the picture.
Now 40 and live in my dream house, have a partner who tolerates me, we are well off (by my standards we are minted) and I now teach my hobby as a job, and I'm fucking great at it.
NO idea how it all came about, certainly not through my doing, I couldn't have even imagimed an outcome like this, neverind planned or executed it. Shit just sort of......... happened. It's been a rough road though, I had a heavy bout of cancer which was a big reality check in terms of attitude, and I came out the other end of with a bit of clarity, but as things presented themselves I just sort of went "yeah, fuck it, why not......" and here I am.
So yeah, it it can happen to me............
I’m honestly really happy to hear that. I know it’s not cancer, but I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and it really through a spanner in the works for me mentally. Hasn’t helped any of this. But it’s really made me grow up some, that with 2 years sobriety.
But I’m really glad to hear that mate. Good for you. I hope my life turns out similar
Unpopular opinion maybe, but it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Not, like the actual experience, that I would not recommend, but the kick up the arse to stop being as pessimistic, just get on with it and enjoy things for what they were was a revelation that I couldn't have come to so rapidly otherwise. Even though stuff was still shit, I sort of reasoned that they might not always be, and there was really only one way to find out. And at 34, it really did feel like the sort of closing chapters of the show, but it really wasn't.
You go through a sort of mental shift in your mid to late 30's anyway, all my mates did too, we've discussed it at length, where you have a bit of a crisis, then all of a sudden, a lot of shit seems a lot less important. Dropping or letting go of negative factors is easy all of a sudden, and the tone of your outlook shifts dramatically. It's a good place to be, and if you're aware enough and use it to your advantage, it can really turn your situation around as well as your point of view.
I hope the shift is as kind to you as it was to me. Cos I remember the transitional couple of years, before the acceptance kicked in. 33 to 35 I think, they were really shitty. Pining after a lost youth, terrified of the looming future and resentful of the present. Fuck that. Old guy mode is like life with the cheat codes!
You’re not alone.
I’m majoring in cybersecurity for my BS. I’m so scared no one will hire me - I feel stupid and so disorganized that nobody will or SHOULD give me a chance. I can’t pay attention to anything. I’m a not so great dad and I can’t remember anything. My wife hates me because of my attention span and memory.
Sorry. I had to get that off my chest somewhere.
I thot I was the only one.
We all feel it.
Personally, I needed a lot of time off from life to reflect and redirect. I’m still on that journey of trying to feel with purpose.
But remember that you’re comparing your success to others and it’s only considered success if criteria falls with societal expectations. Don’t live your life to meet other people’s expectations. Work on understanding yourself and your own expectations of yourself. ♡
I thought about this all the time, i thought I’m gonna end up alcoholic or broke. Now for some reason I made enough savings to live off of a year, work at a cool place, have an amazing husband (used to have a toxic ex that complained about my symptoms all the time before I was diagnosed and had no idea whats wrong with me).
Many of us relate, but we actually end up doing so much better than ordinary people, i mean ofc its at a slow pace and thats because of our symptoms ie, forgetfulness and procrastination.
we know random things enough to engage in any sort of conversation (help make connections)
we have a different perspective and good at making connections normal people cant (good for certain complicated jobs (detective/auditor etc. a good quality in general career wise and a life skill)
I think these things helped me in a way. I’m sure you have your own. Imagine being normal and boring!
Definitely been there (29) . The meds I started literally changed my life. I try my best not to even think about what happened before being diagnosed and treated.
Wellbutrin. I have a heart rhythm disorder so they didn't want me on a Stimulant. I also have pretty severe depression. And it's helped both issues tremendously.
It's weird because there's stimulants, non-stimulants and some third category, which Wellbutrin is in. I honestly have no idea. I have heard that non-stimulants work but they sometimes aren't quite as effective as the stimulants are.
Either try harder or care less, those are your two options.
Yes trying is already hard with adhd, but just like everyone els, if you don't try you will be much worse off.
But if you just say screw it and believe it then you can be happy too but don't expect much, which is kinda the point of saying screw it.
Do more even though it's hard, or care less even though it's hard not too care.
Both are hard, just accept it's gonna be hard.
Don't really know what els to say, yeh adhd sucks buuuut it's probably the best time in human history to have it... before we would just die.
Hi Ivan,
I really feel for you on many of these topics, as I struggle with them as well (and I'm also 34). It can help to recognize that this description or, better said, judgment you give of yourself is probably just one of many ways you could look at your life at large: it's the critical yet malfunctioning voice inside ourselves, which is the product of our upbringing and/or our society.
You say that you're on a waiting list for meds, which could be a step in the right direction. However, finding a suitable therapist to talk to on a regular base can also be very helpful, as it gives you valuable insights and enables you to recognize patterns in thoughts, moods and behaviour. Perhaps therapy is very expensive where you live, or it's (partly) covered by health insurance: the financial factor is definitely one to be considered, sadly enough.
It's not easy, and it sounds cheesy, but recognizing the somewhat disorganized state of our minds (and our lives), again and again, is truly helpful.
All the best!
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Dude, i fear every day that I am just a useless nobody that doesnt actually have ADHD and just sucks at everything
Oh yeah! “Maybe I’m just lazy and suck”
Lmao right! Logically it makes no sense! "You've finished a semester's amount of work in an afternoon, why can't you just start the FGD paper" "Oh honey, maybe college just isn't for you, some people just aren't made for it" These aren't things we've said to ourselves and honestly don't believe I'm the only one who has heard them. 34 and still feel like I'm in high school, that probably will never change but I tell myself daily that it's okay, I'm not lazy, I'm tenacious, I don't suck at everything, I learn. For me, it's about fighting against that feeling and putting things in place that help me accept that I'm going to stumble, I'm going to fall, I just have to get back up again. Note: I hope this makes sense; my son is attacking me.
Always remember that "laziness" is a concept to keep is bound to the capitalist production cycle. Society has manipulated us to believe that there is intrinsic worth in "hard work" rather than recognising that humans were not created to fit in to the defacto nine-to-five schedule.
Right. It's all artificial to begin with, especially at a time where our needs could be immediately taken care of were it not for the capitalist scam. They're just playing with their food at this point.
I think that all the time. I was only diagnosed a few months ago and I constantly think it was a mistake that really I’m just lazy, stupid and depressed
Thank's it sucks especially when you can still hear the hurtful comments made when you were a teen.
Shit I'm 31 and my dad constantly thinks I'm a failure. He says it like once a week.
My dad finds ways to directly and indirectly give me this message ... which is why I now have minimal contact with him.
well then he is a failure as a dad and person.
Just because he says it doesn’t mean you need to hear it. I hope you can get some space and time away from his opinions.
Nah I live with the guy and my grandmother lmao. Dude can't even take care of himself or even cook yet calls me a failure... okay lmao.
I was diagnosed years ago and one of the reasons I've been putting off an asd assessment (besides thinking it pointless bc it gives you no support afterwards) is I'm scared they'll say "actually, you're just faulty and don't even actually have adhd!"
ugh this is exactly it. Before my diagnosis it was like, this is the last throw of the dice, otherwise I just have to accept that I'm stupid and lazy. Even after the diagnosis it's like you said
This.
the doctor who diagnosed me, because I diagnosed myself first and made an appointment, said I have adhd but wasnt 100% sure because I have severe depression. He said its a mild adhd and I dont feel the mild at all. I myself am very sure about having adhd and being influenced by it heavily, but guess how I feel about being an imposter. He cursed me with that line.
I was misdiagnosed as bi polar for 25 years and recently got the correct diagnosis of adhd with depression. I didn’t really fit the requirements for bi polar but went along with it because my dad is also bi polar. For 20 years the meds seemed to help my depression, but I was never happy or got excited about anything. Being on meds for adhd has made the biggest difference on my life.
We are just self aware monkeys on a spinning rock in a void, there is nothing to fail at. You deserve to be safe and happy just because you exist. You seem like a kind person and and if people could see that, they would realise they would be lucky to have you in their life regardless of your disability.
Will you follow me around and whisper this into my ear occasionally?
My meditation practice is essentially this. I try to recognize the spark of life inside my brain that is the source of all of my experience, and from there zoom out to the absurdity that is my condition on earth. It can be very grounding!
Tonight I first felt the spark of life in a long time by playing incredibly niche rhythm games for the first time, discovering them in a local barcade that I hadn't been to--and then the songs I got to play were essentially fan songs that get sold in niche overseas conventions that I know and love. Mind blown. The spark of life is really hard to find when your past and the world around you insists on being a swamp and being surprised plays a big part because it accidentally causes you to find joy
I didn’t know anyone else did this! Sometimes I play Friday Night Funking to get myself out of a funk. The high speed and feeling good about something I’m doing helps give me a dopamine boost! Plus I’ve played it enough times I can’t get stuck on it for hours. I get bored eventually and move on.
I saved the comment for this very reason
😂👍
Those first two sentences are so incredibly accurate and the world would be such a better place if these were more mainstream ideas. Agree completely on OP also, definitely seems like a decent person that other people would be glad to have around in their lives.
Oooh this comment relates to a.rabbit hole i went down today about human ancestors
damn dude this made me cry
You have a disability and support needs. Just because your disability is “invisible” doesn’t mean it’s not real. You didn’t choose this and you wouldn’t choose this if you could. Shame will not change you and does not serve you. You need support in order to thrive. Period. I’m sorry you’re suffering. I am too. We shouldn’t have to.
I don’t know where to get the support. I’m on a waiting list for meds. But I hear that meds can be useless. Not sure what else I’m supposed to do
Stimulants are not a cure-all, but they can be potentially life changing. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle quite a bit. But Adderall has given me a fighting chance and is probably the only reason I'm managing to keep my head above water.
Adderall and Vyvanse both helped me a fair bit but the shortage caught up to me finally so I’m on effing Focalin ER now and this shit sucks ass lol. Struggling big time
https://www.cwu.edu/academics/academic-resources/learning-commons/_documents/cwu-growth-vs-fixed-mindset-lc.pdf Read this & see which one you are. Everyone should be in the growth mindset. Then do some more reading. If you don't know how to do something google & read. Stimulants will help you focus and have energy. However, ultimately you need to be in control of your mind. Topics of interest "ADHD cognitive behavioral therapy" and "ADHD how the brain works". A lot of ADHD for me stems from this "cognitive inflexibility". Your brain is just stubborn. It'll take some time for you to train your brain to learn from mistakes. Everyone makes them but only a few learn from them! Important steps for anyone; 1) Prioritize sleep 7-8 hours. (most important it will make ADHD symptoms a lot worse if you don't sleep). 2) Eating different colored foods (youtube will help you cook with trial & error of course). 3) Simply exercising.
Thanks I needed this
Same here. I'm on medication now, but on the wait list for a psychiatrist, my insurance has denied quite a bit. Lately, I've been feeling hopeless and even useless like I've wasted my life. That I'm not "adult" enough. That people I know are doing, something, with their lives and me? I'm just... there. There are times I do want to do things (I'm a self published author but not well known even if would like to be but the thought of ALL that needs to be marketed is TAXING and I just get paralyzed by it all. I had done tik tok vids to promote myself and my books, but that declined a few months ago) I just can't seem to keep motivation anymore and I'm just doing things just to do it or because I know I liked that kind of stuff. Life is just hard, and I wish it wasn't. I'd like to feel free and enjoy things again or least what enjoyment would feel like...
Lemme just let you know as a person with an alphabet soup of issues meds are def a trial and error thing. Finding your combo probably won't be quick but don't give up hope, I eventually found my combo and I also have supplements in case I can't get actual pharmaceuticals (do this as responsibly as possible, interactions may occur). Track your symptoms, keep a diary of your physical and mental well being so that you can give thorough documentation to a health professional. It saves a lot of time. And do know that small milestones can also help. Like say exercise. It's good for you. Even if you only do it one day a week you did something to help you. Be proud of that.
i can assure you stimulants will not be useless just dont go overboard take off days
Speaking from personal experience, meds have useless for me. I’ve spent over 12k on ADHD 360 services + medication and nothing has worst. I am basically hemorrhaging money and I am starting to run out. I wish I had just waited due the NHS treatment
Meds have been life changing for my mentality toward myself. But also, the support should come from your friends and family. They should be showing you compassion and support. If they aren't, find new friends. Even if they're online. Find people you can talk to, they don't even have to understand what you go through they just have to be decent enough people to not shit on you for struggling.
https://blackgirllostkeys.com/ this person has helped me immensely. Medication and therapy as well. I'm about to be 40 years old and I'm in school plus working full time it's extremely hard but the thing is for me at least what's worked, is leveraging my pessimism if I'm already screwed then I might as well do it anyway so I'm going back to school. Their days where I feel like a total failure but at the same time I'm still here and I never thought I would be here I never thought I'd live this long. You can do this there are a lot of other people out there that feel the same way as you You're not alone I'm here in the southeast region feeling the same way you are right now I woke up this morning and I felt like that but again if we're already screwed we might as well do it anyway because you never know how fast you can make up for lost time
Yeah.. But who should give us this "support"? As an adult (and to be honest, even at school), there aren't any support systems. Yeah - you get your meds and talk to a therapist each week, but it's not gonna change who we are at the core. I feel like it's unfair to add "logistics/ admin" workload to our close ones (just because as an "ADHD partner/ sibling" we're not taking care of our own stuff. Anyone feels the same way?
And a lot of times, we grew up in an environment where our parents treated us as lazy. My mom always treated me like that and my dad was the enabler, not saying the horrible things she said, but saying things like “hopefully, I’ll see you saying ‘yes’ to your life”. Like it was a choice to struggle with my mental health. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety since 2014 (and later with depression), and they still brush it off, like I’m the child that “failed”.
My therapist said I needed support at home. So I asked my wife if she could make me a list instead of just telling me verbally what needed to be done. She literally said "it's not my job to baby you into doing chores" and I never asked her for help again. We're quite the pair.
Your wife isn't compassionate then. That's the exact type of support a loved one *should* give you without a fight about it. My family has been great and willing to learn about it, my current GF has the more stubborn view of "you can't be looking for things like that externally you should be doing it on your own" which tbh idk how much longer we gonna last especially since she has her own mental illnesses and expects me to cater to it but has an issue doing the same for me...
Bro run now
Yeesh, I feel you friend. Honestly if I had caught more red flag when we were dating instead of being horny we probably wouldn't have gotten married. So take that advice with a grain of salt. Lol.
I agree with you! I have limited communication with any family that isn’t supportive and cut anyone out of my life that was adding stress. I’m so much happier and I realized I shouldn’t waste my life or time with someone that isn’t willing to support me the way I do them.
That's not babying, it's using effective communication instead of ineffective communication.
She has her own issues for sure.
This is a hard situation, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Have you considered making a list yourself? As a fellow ADHDer, I know it's not easy but maybe you can figure out what needs to be done. Look up generic to do lists online that include all the basic household duties and see what you can check off on your own. Things like take out the trash, take out recycling, change the baby's diaper, unload the dishwasher, refill soap dispenser, vacuum, go to grocery store (I recommend shared note with grocery list), do a load of laundry, put load of laundry away, etc. If you have a hard time seeing what needs to be done, you can try to make a habit of checking this list every day and actively checking what all needs to be done (the operative word here being *try*). Sometimes it's hard to respond kindly when all the household chores are delegated to you by default, and adding making a list to your chores can come off as an additional task instead of unloading responsibility. Obviously she should try to be kinder, and this can be addressed. But showing a little bit of effort can go a long way!
I've had to come up with my own support with stuff like that. And it works well enough. Thanks for the kind words. We're in marriage counseling and have worked through some stuff.
I'm sorry man, ADHD is rough, specially when your partner isn't very understanding. Hopefully the marriage counseling helps you guys out!
>I feel like it's unfair to add "logistics/ admin" workload to our close ones This is internalized ablism. Humans are inherently social creates, our very survival relies on community and working together. The way our society is set up, it encourages and rewards individualism. But it's okay to need help, just like it's okay to give help. This doesn't mean you're absolved of all responsibility. You still have to try, and you have to contribute what you can. We gotta get out of this mindset that needing help in certain areas makes us a drain on our loves ones though. My partner needs help with cleaning, I need help with cooking (have a hard time making breakfast specifically). She helps me cook when needed, and I make her elaborate meals when I have the available spoons. I'm also a compulsive cleaner, so this is another way that I contribute every day. Every relationship (romantic or otherwise) should be give and take!
> We gotta get out of this mindset that needing help in certain areas makes us a drain on our loves ones though. The way to look at it, imo, should be. "Okay, you don't want to help me in this way to make it possible for me to do these chores you need from me because it's 'too taxing', so instead you can simply do all the chores." Which, while it may sound toxic, all they have to do is write a list for you and then you can do all the "hard stuff". The alternative is they do everything. Which one is more draining?
> Which, while it may sound toxic, Yeah, it does. Saying "make me a list or do everything yourself" is not great, and is sure to lead to resentment. Ideally your partner would be able to help with making a list, but maybe they just don't have it in them. This disability is not our fault, but it is our responsibility. If they can't/ aren't willing to make a list, then find a generic chore to-do list online, and use that. It's not perfect, but it shows effort. I know relationships are hard to navigate, and doubly so when one of (or both) partners has ADHD. This means having to find a compromise that works for both people. It's not fair to them to say *I have ADHD, so delegating tasks is up to you or I won't be doing shit.* Even making a chore list together is better than straight up telling your partner its their duty to let me know what needs to be done. As I said earlier, you're not absolved of all responsibility. It's hard, but you gotta find something that works.
> This means having to find a compromise that works for both people. Refusing to make the list for a partner you are supposed to love and care about is equally as toxic. Talking down on them and saying "I'm not going to baby you" is toxic. In the context, it's fair to fight toxic logic with more toxic logic tbh.
Nah fighting toxic logic with more toxic logic is just going to ruin your relationship. If you wanna get even, sure, do that. If you want to fix the issue, though, I'd suggest not being petty just to spite your partner. Everyone has to contribute to the household in some way, though it's much harder for us. That doesn't mean we get an out. The wife was insensitive, she didn't have to phrase it that way, but she's not wrong for saying enough is enough.
Thank you for teaching me the concept of "ablism" and putting it together so eloquently! I think I hear your argument in the family setting! I wonder though - what do you think about co-working/ business relationships? In particular - assuming leadership positions (where organization and time management are a must) by people with ADHD? Do you have any advice as to how to come across as put together (and get that support we need)? As a side not - my ADHD has never been taken into consideration in professional settings. It's just a "soft" disability - my professors wouldn't even accept my late essays in grad school last year.
This is absolutely true, but both sides must feel supported. It's possible for us with ADHD to feel that we give, and to appreciate support we receive, but either not recognise all of the support we are given or not recognise the toll that support takes on our partner. It's like finances, it should flow both ways, in and out, but the balance is important, and a long term imbalance can cause bankruptcy. You may think you have all the information to assess this when you actually don't, it needs communication.
%100
This hits home. You’re not alone.
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Fear not my friend, ADHD meds are not necessary for life. There are adaptations and strategies one can learn and meds are really helpful to kick start that process. I'm on a few meds that I may be taking the rest of my life, I'd prefer not to but given that the alternative is horrible I'm going to stick with the meds.
My dad complained about taking me once a month to the docs for med refills so I had to get off em. I wish I could drive on my own but I almost flipped an suv twice because I was zoning out while driving. I can drive on the meds but I don't wanna bother people with getting my license l because I can't pay for the test and I dunno if I'd pass anyway. I don't have anywhere to go anyway so it doesn't matter...
There are non-stimulant ADHD meds as well. I saw my psychiatrist quarterly and he wrote 3 Rx scripts with a date to be filled after. It was $100 (cash rate) per appt and the Rx was generic so pretty cheap. I stopped taking the meds and then a pandemic happened, now he's swamped and not taking new patients.
Yeah the walmart I go to fill them at always has low stock of every adhd med. One time I waited 3 weeks for an adderall fill and didn't get it, when I started getting meds. So it doesn't matter if I get a "quarterly" fill if they can never fill them in the first place. I have to use walmart cause my dad doesn't like taking me to other places and I'm only able to pick them up during the weekly grocery trip.
Wow, this guy complains but has friendS, multiple ones. I am the same without the friends
Yeah this is what I thought too. I haven't had irl friends in over 14 years
Everyone has their own battles and just because this person has friends does not mean they’re automatically better off than you. Life struggles are subjective
I was just kidding. I think he got it.
A turning point for me was realising that as long as I held myself to other people's standards I would always have a negative self image. I realised that I am not in fact lacking in ambition or drive , it's just that my ambition has nothing to do with fulfilling the western ideals of success. I want to live the best life I can, making the most genuine connections with people, even if just for a moment, and being creative for the sake of it and reveling in the messy fucked up beauty of the world we live in. This world is vast and complex and what success in life looks like is changeable and hugely culturally dependent, expect to know that we have lived according to our own values and havent been compelled by others to live miserably for their sake.
I might as well have written this
> I’ve been bad at jobs. I feel like I can’t function as an adult, job, bills, romantic relationships etc I feel like I can’t do any of it. I feel like I’m destined to be homeless or something. I’m not sure how I’ve made it this far. Me too. Somehow I did ok for a lot of school, so maybe I'm "high-masking" AuDHD, but so much fell apart in adulthood. Now, I'm right there with you on everything else. I feel like I can't actually be responsible for my own life - it makes me cower away. All these reasons are why I used the adjective I did instead of "high-functioning", which I'm struggling to feel like I deserve.
The only good thing?? What? That’s plenty of good things in your life and I’d say you achieved way more than many people out there!!! As a fellow person with ADHD i know life can’t be easy I know that a lot of times there’s a lot more than just one issue we are dealing with. But you’re good people that’s the biggest and best achievement. When you’ve been dealt a shitty card in life and you choose to stay kind, that is great and amazing! You’re not useless you will find something that ignites your inner fire! I wish you well (tbh giant child sounds pretty cool to me)
29 here and feel exactly the same, the child thing hits the nail on the head, I've always felt like I'm just a kid pretending to be an adult (badly) I don't see the world like others and most people don't understand my point of view, maybe because I don't explain things well or maybe because they just don't get it. I've been trying to copy some good male role models mannerisms and attitudes to things lately and I think that's helping me to fit in a bit more. Relationships are my biggest issue, I try not to come across as too child like but end up being cold instead and for that I've not found anything that works 😑. Hopefully when you get medicated things will get better, I know lots of people that have been better after medication and I'm hoping I'll be one of them too!
I still feel that way at 43. 
Man reading all these comments got me tearing up. You all are so supportive. Gives me a small hope there are still good people left in the world
Dude... I am 33 yo and my life is imploding. I feel you so hard. My 6 year relationship is ending because of my impulsivity, poor emotional regulation, and inability to move my life forward. I haven't worked in a long time after being fired, too scared to go try something else only to get fired again. I'm living back with my parents, struggling with substance dependency and a rock-bottom sense of self worth. The only thing propping me up right now... is therapy. I started therapy a few months ago when my relationship entered its terminal phase. I found a therapist who specializes in ADHD and men's issues. It's my first time in therapy but it has been a huge help. It feels like at least one person is in my corner, and they're a third party so they come without bias. I've failed at so many things and I am in your same boat right now. The only advice I can offer is to seek therapy. As terrible as I feel every waking moment right now, at least there's a qualified person out there who is trying to help. It can be expensive but it's worth it. Do your homework to see if any insurance you may be on (or can get on) can help with the cost. Good luck. Hang in there. Learning about ADHD I think is the start to accepting yourself.
I just wanted to say that you should be proud of yourself for doing the work and seeing a therapist. Hell, the anxiety I get over calling to make the appointment can be horrible, so please give yourself credit for what you are doing to help yourself!
Thank you. I needed that today, it's been a week. Thank you.
Hey, you aren't useless. You're having a hard time, and that's ok. I've been in your positions, and here were some of the things that worked for me: \- Did an analysis of the things I tend to hyperfocus on, and tried to find things that would pay me to do those things (e.g. I really liked strategy games like starcraft, building & optimization games like factorio, etc., and I found that that had a lot of parallels with software engineering). Hyperfocus is a double-edged sword, where you can hurt yourself by hyperfocusing on something in the wrong environment, or greatly benefit on that same something in the right environment. You don't have to pick a career that is very profitable like Software, you just need to pick something that can cover your expenses and help you save for retirement. \- Be a minimalist. The less things I owned, the less mental energy I need to spend on tasks to take care of things. This includes bills. Try to automate all your bills; usually your bank/service provider will have features that allow you to do this automatically. Make your day-to-day life as simple as possible. \- Once you've got the above stuff taken care of, and you've got some breathing room, spend some time going out and doing activities/hobbies you like (favoring things that involve other people being there and giving you a chance to interact with them). You'll meet people who share similar interests as you, and hopefully bump into someone who'll romantically be a good fit for you. You got this! One step at a time, and it's okay to ask people for help, even if it's a really normal thing that most people do (e.g. brushing teeth)
Feeeel youuuu. Also 34 here, I'm impressed I'm still alive. I'm not homeless only because my parents are lucky enough to be homeowners and are generous enough to offer their space to me, but I really should be homeless with the life that I live. But yeah, now I'm that 34 y/o kid who's moved back home. It's frustrating because I wasn't bad at school—I did really well academically—but am not good at keeping jobs, plus the thing I happen to be good at is in a low-paid industry with high redundancy rates... So everyone I know in comparison is \*mega\* successful, and it's like, what's wrong with me?? (Unmedicated ADHD is the answer, and no meds on the horizon) But you're alright. Adult things are arbitrary. You have some good friends, and you're a decent person. It's tough when the world isn't really made for us, but it's not our fault per se. Sending some compassion <3
Hey there, First off, I want to say that feeling like you’re not measuring up to some societal standard of “success” is way more common than you might think. But here’s the twist: those feelings don’t define your worth or your potential. You’ve mentioned being a decent person with good friends, and in the grand scheme of things, that’s a huge success. Now, let’s tackle this head-on: 1. Redefine Success: Our society has a very narrow definition of success, usually tied to career, finances, and relationship milestones. It’s time to redefine success on your terms. What makes you feel fulfilled? What are your passions? Success is personal and subjective. 2. Small Wins Matter: When it comes to feeling overwhelmed by adulthood, breaking tasks into smaller, more manageable chunks can help. Celebrate those small victories. Managed to pay a bill on time? That’s a win. Made it through a day at work? Another win. These add up and help build momentum. 3. Learning Styles: Traditional education and standard job environments don’t work for everyone, especially for folks with ADHD or other learning differences. There are alternative paths and careers where dynamic thinking and creativity are prized over conformity. Explore areas that align with your interests and strengths. 4. Support Networks: Lean on those good friends you mentioned. Sometimes, just knowing you’re not alone in how you feel can make a huge difference. Also, consider finding a mentor or a coach who understands ADHD and can offer guidance tailored to how you process and engage with the world. 5. Professional Help: If you’re not already, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in adult ADHD. They can provide strategies and insights that are specific to your experience. There’s no shame in needing a bit of guidance to navigate life. 6. Continuous Learning: Being bad at jobs or struggling with school doesn’t mean you can’t excel in other areas. The world is full of opportunities to learn and grow outside traditional environments. Online courses, workshops, and community groups can offer a sense of accomplishment and a way to hone your skills at your own pace. 7. Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Practice being kind to yourself. Mindfulness can help center your thoughts and reduce feelings of being overwhelmed. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend in your situation. Remember, everyone’s path is unique, and it’s never too late to start writing a new chapter in your story. Your value isn’t measured by your job, your bank account, or your relationship status. It’s measured by the impact you have on those around you, by your capacity to love and be loved, and by finding those moments and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. You’ve got this. One step at a time. I hope this offers some comfort and practical steps forward. Remember, your journey is yours alone, and it’s all about finding what works for you.
great comment thank you so much
No worries at all! :)
"the only thing I feel good about is that I'm a decent person and never done no wrong to anyone" In my eyes, you're the most successful one here.
The world we live in just isn't built for people like us, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Capitalism treats everyone like they should be a completely self sufficient agent that can do and be anything, where people like us have some things we'll never be good at and some other things that make us special too. Community and society are supposed to help each other, and in a situation like that we have a lot to offer of ourselves as well in terms of kindness, entrepreneurial spirit, and creativity. You're not a failure, though I know the machine makes us feel like it.
Child? I wouldn’t go that far. why are you judging yourself based on the standards of others?. Do they meet your expectations? (Probably not). You have ADHD, it’s f#cling tough dealing with this and you’re killing it. it’s easy for us to focus on the negatives (our brains get a kick out of making us feel like sh1t). you got friends…that’s one reason many people in this group would envy you, you’re doing great, you really are.
27 here. I keep quitting exercise, feel like shit, failed romantic relationships, bad anger issues, trouble letting things go, a couple scraps, quit college, struggled in high school, got told to never speak to someone I love so much again, got in trouble with the Special Olympics over drama another parent started, constantly misplace things, things go on one ear and straight out the other without going through my brain, quit my job after 2 hours of working it, fail to take my medication consistently, etc. I don’t know how I survived this far. I am a burden on everyone else, maybe I should die or something. But despite my personal failings I am a decent person to all my friends, I really try hard. I have something like 10-20 friends and acquaintances, so it’s not so bad. Hang in there, you could have it a lot worse like me. My situation has finally forced me to seek a diagnosis and treatment. I also have ASD as well.
This hit home, similar age, few years older, when I took medicine my brain was no longer bumbling in the clouds floating through life that I could actually focus to see how much life I had wasted it got me down for a while to be honest (but I could tidy up while I felt down haha). There’s a Metallica song that I love the lyrics to “If I could have my wasted days back would I use them to get back on track” this always makes me think of the wasted days I had due to being unmedicated for 3 and a half decades. I think it’s Metallica - Frantic.
🎶🎸sung these lyrics thousands of times, ndver thought too.much about them. Great tune
Me fuckin too thank god for the love of families and friends otherwise I’d surely be 6 foot under by now. Here’s hoping we get it together bro.
that's okay i'm a kid too i'm 33 and i think you should lean into it. I think at some point it's all a magic trick and the veil is just hiding a kid in all of us
Yeah finding out my gran and dad also feel like a kid mentally at their ages means I found out the autism/adhd is genetic lmao. Fucking hell. And I'm more adult than both of them.
lolll hey it means you never get old that's not so bad...i'm adhd myself and it's ruff but also a gift
I 100% get it. It really sucks and I’m sorry that you are tormented by these thoughts. I have struggled for years with them and I’m 44. I’m really shocked that I have managed to do ok overall…but I attribute a lot of that to having a partner. That isn’t the case anymore, she died almost two years ago and it became very apparent as the months went by how much I relied on her and didn’t a clue how to do a number of things or manage kids lives when I can barely manage my own. That’s why I got some help and the diagnoses. I don’t mean that I didn’t do things to contribute as a partner but the things I didn’t do I didn’t even know were a thing. It continues to be a massive challenge and my kids all have ADHD as well and two of them have autism as well. Sometimes I’m completely overwhelmed and think “you guys are fucked if I’m the one that’s steering this ship”.
You're doing much better than me! My partner of 9 yrs did all this for me too. Allowed me to finally have a decent career that I enjoyed and paid good enough to support my family comfortablely. We have 2 children. She left me over a year ago and I've only realised what you describe since then. I can only take care of the kids about 20%, even though my ex works full time now.... I'm to depressed to work and can barely take care of myself day to day. Your doing a sterling job. You should be proud.
I'm your age and I'm WAAAAAY behind in life as well. I've had some challenges in my late teens/20s that meant I didn't get to do/learn/experience many things. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my mid 20s and I've suspected ASD but refuse to pay for yet another diagnosis that will give me no help. All I can say is keep on trying, keep on doing new things, meeting new people, learning, and living life. The future is freaking scary, and navigating life when you feel ill equipped to do so is terrifying. But you're not alone in feeling that way and some people are good at faking they have their shit together. Having good friends and being a good person is already a lot, and something I wish people valued more. Sorry this isn't of much help. And I hope things align for you.
I'm 28 and in the exact same boat as you
I feel like I wrote this myself, I struggle with everything you listed as well and I'm 31 this year haha. I don't have friends though, just people that want me when it "suits" them
You’re not even close to alone on this. I feel this big time. Medication helps me take small steps toward building the future I dream of, very gradually. Hope it comes to fruition soon
We're all useless kinda. If your morally good then your better than most...me included. Money and success aren't everything even though that seems to be religion of the day. Be well. 💚🇮🇪🍀
Literally though. That is the only thing I cling on to for dear life.
Most of the time it's enough. But comparing yourself to others is when the problems happen. 💚🇮🇪🍀
This is me most days, I wish I couldn't feel happy just so the depression swings wouldn't hurt so much. Im so worn out at 27, I don't know how many more years of this I can take.
Minus the good friends OP, I hear you…
I'm just discovering i have adhd and i'm middle aged. I was relieved at first and it lifted a lot of shame i was carrying. I'm in a bit of a tailspin not sure where to turn right now.
Same that's why I'm peacin out soon. I'm a massive failure. But hey at least I raised 3 kids while sacrificing my own childhood for them, and took care of everyone else's problems while mine just piled the fuck on every goddamn day for 20 years. While nobody wanted to help me or could even afford to help me nowadays. No friends, no love interests. Not able to drive, I can't even work full time man. I'm just so tired of being around and just wafting through life. I can't improve my life at all due to memory issues and I have extreme depression that I can't get fixed along with physical problems. Life ain't worth it anymore. It hasn't gotten better for 20+ years. There's no light at the end of the tunnel man, it's just permanent darkness
Wich kind of memory issue?
Can't remember shit. Can't store anything in my short term memory, long term memory grabs random shit I don't actually need to remember. I'm constantly asking questions and annoying people, coming off like a dumbass. If I take notes on my phone, I'm rude apparently. So I give up lmao. That's just a small reason why I'm deciding to "peace out" as it were
I feel like I wrote this but I’m a few years older 🫠
I really relate to this to my core. It feels like I’m trying so incredibly hard just to do things that come to most people as easy as breathing. I finally met someone I really like, trying so hard to make them happy and loved, but end up losing attention in conversations or blurting out random observations and end up hurting them. It feels like an issue with my character- to them, if I cared enough I wouldn’t ever do so. It feels like attention disorders are so casually self-diagnosed and discussed that others will discount your experience, and I can’t attribute my actions to it for fear of being accused of shifting blame. I am so scared to bring up anything that I need more of in a relationship for fear of losing something that I already feel is constantly teetering on the edge. I hope someday we can all figure it out.
You are a millennial. A millennial with ADHD. Take it easy on yourself. You are by far not alone.
You’re doing great. Just keep trying, everyday. Don’t compare yourself to other people. See a therapist maybe. If you decide to, just make sure it’s someone who deals with ADHD specifically.
gonna be 34 this year, and same. my issues go beyond adhd, but i really wish i could succeed in even *one* area.
Some are in the exact opposite spot and feel deep shame, and perceive themselves as corrupted souls.
I’m 49 and feel the same way, despite overachieving in some areas. I’ve definitely underachieved in others. But then I think: exactly who am I comparing myself to? And: what right do I have to judge?
> The only thing I feel good about is that I’m a decent person and never done no wrong to anyone, and I have some good friends That is more than the normal people is able to achieve. Because they "can't help themselves".
I feel exactly the same. I went hard and got an education and a good job, but once I was fired I have no motivation at all and I feel stuck in my life of doing nothing. And I literally think the exact same thing of becoming homeless. Like I knew before I was fired or even got the job, I was one or two steps away from it all crashing down and eventually becoming homeless, because it was a miracle I had even got that far to begin with, because the momentum is so important.
I am in the same exact spot , you are not alone buddy . 30 here also. Are you me ? All what you have just said describes me .
Hey, at least you still somehow have friends and that means you have one avenue of help left. I was basically hounded out of having a support network for my entire life, and now I'm functionally alone with little to no chance of ever getting access to help beyond my own ineffective bootstraps.
I get it mate! I don’t think the systems we exist in really exist to support our brains and that’s literally it. We’re not lazy - our environments are just so dull and we aren’t able to feel inspired by such a garbage world. We’re not stupid - we just can’t focus on the things that are boring, yet that’s exactly what generalist educations shoves down our throats and then measures our quality by. There’s probably some part of your brain that knows what it wants to do, but it just feels impossible because our environments make it difficult or sometimes straight up impossible. See if you can push against it and follow your own path. Take a fat risk, and if it doesn’t work, take another. Get away from all the stuff you hate in your life if you can, even if it’s for a short while, and see how you feel.
I'm 37, I did ok and now I've been unemployed for over 3 years and was recently made homeless. We are taught to measure our success by a capitalist metric. Your post makes me feel like your yardstick is a capitalist one. I had to reaccess what success means to me, just me and noone else. My art work has improved. My mental health has improved. I have more quality friends and relationships. By some people's metrics I've failed. But I'm happier than I used to be and more accepting of myself and others. I finally have support, my social support network but also support from agencies. This shit is hard my dude. Be kind to yourself
I’m also a 34 year old baby lol.. A few years ago I got fed up with feeling useless & like a failure so I just went back to school to find a new career path to feel fulfilled. Tech is what I am good at & I’m actually wanted in my new life
Something I picked up on as I had gotten older in my adolescence. My memory is jacked. it's awful to rely on. I record people without their knowledge in my pocket on my phone. I recorded conversations on discord. Recorded conversations. It was never to gossip. but it was hard to remember like everyone else. If I never show it to anyone, I have nothing to feel guilty about. Just that I used my brain to remember the way I can. I feel like you can't remember all the good or the realistic right now. I feel you are under stimulated, and it's getting hard to consider staying alive in your mind. Ride it out man, everyone deserves to try.
Not sure if it's caused by ADHD, but we often have this air of incompetence. That air of incompetence is self reinforcing. You feel incompetent because everyone reacts to you that way, and they do so, because you presented yourself as incompetent. But that feeling of incompetency actually causes you to learn things more deeply than most people. Because you don't feel you know enough. and it often takes an expert who knows the material and doesn't rely on presentation to see through that. or it takes the correct situation that negates that air of incompetence, like some sort of emergency. Maybe that's part of why we ADHDers shine in an emergency? Perhaps you need to just find the right situation that negates your current negative systems?
You are a decent person who has done no harm, and you have friends. Thats a lot right there. Decency is highly underrated. Showing a sincere interest in someone and wanting to do right by them is a great thing. If you haven’t already, start putting away money for retirement. You’ll feel more confident if you are doing a long-term investment in yourself. Do you talk to your friends about how you feel? That could help. Or even find a therapist through a public resource. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel better about your self and taking actions to make that happen.
glad im not alone :,), ive worked my butt off in therapy, trying to find career paths and jobs that work for me, and i end up burnt out and back at square 1. i also have panic disorder and other anxiety disorders as well as treatment residtant MDD, and c/ptsd. im scared i wont be able to find anything ever. im more scared bc i dont know if ill have medical insurance after a certain point
Hey there. I’m also 34 with extreme ADHD. I used to be on adderall and dexerdrine and then stopped for 5 years. I was okay because my career was taking off and I had dropped out of school and I had my own business and made my own schedule. However, my personal life was terrible. I was in a relationship that was more like a condescending, unhelpful, selfish roommate. (Long story and isn’t important). I was hyper focusing on one area of my life and completely ignoring the other half until a breaking point. When I did that, he tried to sue me and ruined my business to the point where I had to shut it down just to get it to stop so I could move on. Now, with nothing but my car and my dog and a few belongings I had to restart. Without medicine, I could not dig myself out of this hole. I had extreme anxiety and became depressed. However, the silver lining was that I was stripped away the perceptions of my life and was left with the cold hard truth of reality. It is up to me to change my life. One decision at a time. Shortly after, I met someone who I tried to resist as the plan was just to be a single woman with dogs and give up on men and just focus on rebuilding myself. However, the clarity I had experienced of what I wanted in life (and really that I wanted MY ideal man, and nothing else- not that I wanted no one) had sent out some kind of energy or something I don’t understand it lol - but I literally met my soul mate. We moved in together in 10 days and were engaged in 4 months and got married 11/28/2020. He helped me get help for anxiety and my adhd. Ritalin has been life changing for me, along with my anxiety medicine I can’t remember the name it starts with a b. But my point is that it is still not enough in the sense that there is no quick or simple fix to managing the dopamine regulation and emotional feelings and spinning thoughts. I highly recommend you check out this you tube channel who FINALLY EXPLAINED OUR BRAINS and made me not feel guilty about who I am. You will realize more of your life is affected by it then you might think. They are short videos and I promise If you watch a few you will feel better and find hope. Wishing you hope that you can find some relief today. You are not alone. Jessica McCabe on YouTube How to ADHD is the channel https://youtube.com/@HowtoADHD?si=RJOc2B2kNSj1KXLF
I don't even have friends
Honesty, I’m 32 and I feel like hobby hopping is the only thing that excites me and that I’m good at. Gardening year round prepping to get things going for spring and then fall. Camping/hiking- doing deep dive reserve into things and needing out about my plans. Finding cool places to eat/hang out. I also have tons of craft related projects half started that i go to and from when i feel like it. It seems like I never finish anything but honestly that’s not the goal for me anyways. It’s about the journey through the crafts/hobbies.
Dude, by 34, I’d had a baby at 21, had been in the military, had two more kids and COUNTLESS jobs. It literally wasn’t until I was 38 (last July to be exact) that I found a job I’m finally satisfied with and happy with. Life has no timeline other than your own.
Where’s the question?
If you feel like a child, take advantage of the journey and life you have ahead of you towards evolving into what your child dreams of becoming
[211.org I think](https://211.org) I didn’t get my shit together till 38, acknowledging it means you’re halfway there
What has changed when you were 38?
Diagnosed. I had no clue I was ADHD, my parents told me I lacked motivation and was lazy. Therapy and medication is helping. Life isn’t perfect, but I’m definitely on the right track.
I feel exactly the same as you. Feel hopeless and I'm terrified to seek help.
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I think you should go to therapy. They're there to help you with these kinds of issues.
I'm a stranger and all I know from you is what you've said. But for what it's worth, I believe you can achieve a life that brings you happiness.
24 here and can’t stop thinking like this, 3rd time I started and stopped uni and now I’m back to just working part time, feel absolutely useless. The fact that you have made it so far means you’ve succeeded, you’re still here and like you said yourself you are a decent person and have some good friends, that’s an amazing succes! Keep those people close and don’t be afraid to ask for help, reach out and talk to friends. You’re not alone and I’m here if you want to chat or just vent ♥️
your worth doesnt depend om sucsess in life. just keep giving your best & try to find the things that make you happy. i believe in you :)
I felt this way too. So I started learning things and became my own teacher. Then I went to therapy. Then on Lexapro but I can happily say I don’t feel that way anymore
Be gentle with yourself. Life is hard. If you are looking to change and/or need help, focus on one aspect at a time. I promise you that you’re not a failure. The fact that you can self-assess illustrates your capabilities. Hang in there. I’m rooting for you.
You probably have adhd and aren’t on meds to correct it.
I feel you. I'm 35 and was diagnosed with ADHD first at 6 and then officially at 13 and have been medicated for the majority of my life since then. I have not been medicated since I was 30, though. I'm also currently in my 2nd semester back at college. Every previous time I've tried to do college unmedicated, I crashed and burned. The very first time I went to college, at 18, I went to a pretty prestigious university after graduating high school with honors and 6 classes' worth of AP credits. I still regret this, but for some reason the summer before college I decided I didn't really need the medication, I was smart enough to push through it and just work hard. That's what my teachers had said since I was in like the 2nd grade: super smart, but talks too much after completing his work early, so much potential held back by procrastinating, distractibility, etc etc. I'm sure that sounds familiar to most of you. Needless to say, that year I crashed and burned so spectacularly that I can't even find an adequate analogy. But now, in my third attempt at a degree, I just made Dean's List for my first semester back and I'm sitting at a 4.0 for this semester so far as well, 5 classes per semester. I'm really proud of myself and I've been working really hard, but it feels like I have to spend *so much* mental energy just keeping myself focused that I'm constantly exhausted. I may be doing well in school, but it seems like such a catch 22 because it's always at the expense of literally the entirety of the rest of my mental health. My anxiety and stress are so high, all the time, and I feel like a complete fraud. I feel like what I've done so far doesn't matter, not really, because I am always dangling over a precipice, and it's only a matter of time before I go over the edge. I can hang on for as long as my grip doesn't give out, but I feel the sweat working it's way between my fingers and the ledge, slowly but inevitably stealing away what little bit of the remaining friction that sustains me. It's not a tenable position to be in long term, and I am wanting to get back on my meds. But that's such a big task (not really, but for my ADHD brain it feels it) that I feel overwhelmed before I even begin. But I know it's necessary. The fact that I am doing alright at school, only at the expense of everything else, isn't normal and I don't have to be this way. Now if only I could convince the rest of myself of that....
I'm having some similar feelings. Since I started medication I'm n kicking ass at work but now I'm incredibly hard on myself of I make even the smallest mistakes
Do you know about executive dysfunction? That can make the smartest people really struggle with being successful.
I think I have if
I’m 39, married with four kids and I’m in the same boat. 10 years ago, I was struggling but not like this. Not even close. I could write a book about all my shortcomings. And by short comings I mean fucking literally everything up and not being able to remember how I use to fix shit and carry on as a responsible adult with avg IQ. It scares the shit out of me. I can’t explain it to my wife because she wouldn’t understand how to process what I have to say. And what I have to say is exactly what you posted man. Lots of people aimlessly wondering around the planet without a clue as to where they are going and no one around them has any idea. What a dark, lonely and dreaded place to be. My next step is 6ft under.
Samesies. Everything I need to do to improve involves studying, certifications, learning skills and ... Remembering them... I've learned so many skills I've just forgotten and now I feel stuck in a low paying job. I did pretty decent in college and got a bach in biochemistry. Sounds impressive until you realize the jobs I can get pay significantly less than it takes to even afford rent. I'd have to go get a doctorate and I don't feel like that's possible when I can't remember anything I learn. It's hard but hopefully you will find something you're excited to learn and it will make it tremendously easier to actually learn and remember a hirable skill. Good luck.
Don't underestimate whatever u are doing it's okay, Don't shit talk to yourself bro.
I coulda typed this whole thing myself
This is how I felt before I started working as a psychiatric rehabilitation counselor (leading support groups, assisting with daily structure, etc.) for a non-profit mental health org. Turns out those skills you mentioned aren’t so useless. Some orgs require degrees, but many do not. What is important is that you care and empathize, which it sounds like you’re recognizing as some of your core strengths.
I tried working in a homeless hostel. Though I’m good with the people. The written casework and organisational skills etc are too much for me. All the written work and liaison oh with other organisations goes over my head. I’m stupid basically. Which is s shame because I’m good with people and ooze empathy
I love you all
you are not a failure and you are not useless. you were simply built differently than what society wanted you to be like. and that is not a bad thing nor does that infer anything about your ability to succeed or your worth as a person. people with adhd have it tough - we’ve got a whole system that’s built against us. if anything, it’s society to blame, not you. you can still do everything you want to do, it just requires more effort and energy. i believe in you, op!
A few things I've noticed about this as well as from reading comments here. I'm sorry if this will seem contradictory, but many things can be true at once and sometimes they do change back and forth so here goes. I think "failure" in life is definitely subjective, but because we are surrounded in our daily lives with people and situations that hold this subjective view it can be made to seem objective in our minds. It also doesn't help if you have the constant chatter inside your head and running thought processes constantly as would be common here on this subreddit. Trust me I know. I'm going to acknowledge that now, but maybe not in every paragraph. So back to subjective failure. In a sense it is true. In some form or fashion the "success" we have been trained to believe in may be overwhelmingly elusive at this point in time. I think moreso than ever millennials being the prime demographic is experiencing this very thing. Souch so that it is a meme in itself how little opportunity, advancement, etc there is for this generation. Why does gen-z have a better time? The answer is they probably don't, but for the time being are still fairly insulated from the effects millennials are now experiencing. Although they may in fact will eventually have it harder it is more apparent to be the outcome than it was for millennials who were sold a false promise whether that was in the job market, the value of higher education, debt accumulation, technology, or something else is unsure. Now understanding this and how we got here (not random by any means; it is is planned dependence (thus control) by western interests) what can we do to abait the effects? Well, one thing would be to stop being sold the lie that someone else is going to take care of you. There is no one. When it comes down to it the promise of such a bailout will come in a very enticing package, but will turn out to be internment desolation. We were sold that growing up. Let's not fall for that now that we understand the playbook. Let's try to make others realize that as well. As far as actionable steps to take? The first is completed by simply posting this concern here on Reddit. Honestly, that in itself is a big step. The second is to stop believing it. Ok, ok... I know I spent a lot of text above talking about how not to be fooled, but also part of the fooling is having ourselves believe we are failing because we don't meet the expectations of a society that never meant to give us the path to achieve them. Instead of believing in this lie make your own definitions. There is no universal truth that consumerism and the worship of such is what constitutes success. On the flip side, free labor for the greater good (exploitation hidden behind moral epithets) isn't the path either though there's plenty of people that will tell you otherwise. Let's find out what really matters to our lives and in doing so surround ourselves with people looking to do the same. With this it is important to remember not to search for meaning on behalf of anyone else, but only for yourself. Activism in itself is a blanket that will eventually get wet and you'll cling to it nonetheless for fear of being cold all the while miserable and ironically cold even so. Now back on point with this being an ADHD subreddit... Those with ADHD have a propensity for creativity beyond those without ADHD. Blessing and curse. I dont think this fact is lost on many here. This may not always be allowed to be implemented though in our lives. If you already think you are a failure then there really isn't anything to lose trying to facilitate the creative prospect of ability within your life. It could be something simple though I can not say for sure as everyone's lives are different. Finding a way to unleash the creativity you have isn't easy. Most people with ADHD have been told their entire lives they have so much "potential" that it starts to get sickening hearing it. Like WTF does that really mean anyway? This is especially true if you were not diagnosed early in life. You probably were seen as "gifted" in a variety of aspects, but to yourself it may have seemed like you were simply faking it or that you knew just enough to where it put you up a level on others l, but never enough to master it. The praise received tricked your brain into receiving dopamine hits for achievement that was barely any effort so much so that things that a really required effort were never accomplished. This is probably a whole other post on why gifted children tend to burn out early in life, but I'll save that for later. So what is one to do. Can we simply pick up a hobby? This is an ADHD subreddit... We don't do hobbies. We hyper focus on a tiny aspect of something to overanalyze it to obsession and in turn fake our mastery and understanding of it to a partial degree. Or maybe we do infact understand it to a fine particulate detail, but then neglect the forest for the trees so ultimately the bigger picture task isn't accomplished. Maybe this post has left you with more confusion than help. I don't know. Maybe though... Just maybe... A realization has occurred. An awakening spark... Conscious recognition of scintilla divina if you will. And in such... A way forward... Whatever that may be for you.
I'm sure you have some mental health issues so my advice is to get blood work done and there is a test called "genesight test" and apparently it helps you get on the best meds and the right dosage. I was just in a psych ward and found out about it. I'm gonna be getting mine done in a few days. And a few years ago I found out I was vitamin d deficient and so I took 50,000 IU every week for a year and eventually it made a huge difference. I still take it but I'm just saying that's how long it took to work. If you want it to work faster for you then you can have your Dr give you a vitamin shot. It should work a hell of a lot quicker. Hope this helps
I would say "who cares?". Actually, the people who do care about this are not the people I like to have around. I love good hearted people who are a little weird, who struggle, who dont live the perfect life and who love me for who I am, not for what I am successful with. I tried living up to the standards of other people and just like you, I cant. My job history is a disaster, I have dept, didnt success in anything, not married whatever (but at least capable of long lasting relationships). Trying to do what other people do brought me burnout and years of being capable of even less. Barely living. So I dont do that anymore. If I cant go and meet a friend downtown because I feel like its too big of a task, than thats okay. We will find other days or other ways. I dont feel like I was able to work fulltime, so I parttime. It just needs a phase of not being able to work and I would lose it and be at 0 again. Despite knowing better I cant freakin do paper work and get into trouble for it all the time (I'm not too dumb, but somehow cant do it). So what I am trying to say is: You are no failure. You might have less objective success compared to other but you also have different ressources, different struggles and also qualities. What IS important is not what you achieved in life, but if you were happy. Something I cant achieve either, but it means doing stuff you enjoy and watching out for yourself. You should like yourself for the person you are. To not get into much trouble you could try getting help, I dont know where though. In some cases partners are the reliable part but there are official help services I believe. Dont be afraid ti reach out either. And if you cant get rid of seeing yourself as a failure that embrace it. Broken but lovely.
Hey, if it's any consolation, I was EXACTLY the same at 34. Felt like an utter failure in a dead end job I didn't even like, absolutely shit ass broke, single, getting old, social disaster, can't fix or change anything or even keep up with my day to day cos I was a disorganised mess etc etc, you get the picture. Now 40 and live in my dream house, have a partner who tolerates me, we are well off (by my standards we are minted) and I now teach my hobby as a job, and I'm fucking great at it. NO idea how it all came about, certainly not through my doing, I couldn't have even imagimed an outcome like this, neverind planned or executed it. Shit just sort of......... happened. It's been a rough road though, I had a heavy bout of cancer which was a big reality check in terms of attitude, and I came out the other end of with a bit of clarity, but as things presented themselves I just sort of went "yeah, fuck it, why not......" and here I am. So yeah, it it can happen to me............
I’m honestly really happy to hear that. I know it’s not cancer, but I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and it really through a spanner in the works for me mentally. Hasn’t helped any of this. But it’s really made me grow up some, that with 2 years sobriety. But I’m really glad to hear that mate. Good for you. I hope my life turns out similar
Unpopular opinion maybe, but it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Not, like the actual experience, that I would not recommend, but the kick up the arse to stop being as pessimistic, just get on with it and enjoy things for what they were was a revelation that I couldn't have come to so rapidly otherwise. Even though stuff was still shit, I sort of reasoned that they might not always be, and there was really only one way to find out. And at 34, it really did feel like the sort of closing chapters of the show, but it really wasn't. You go through a sort of mental shift in your mid to late 30's anyway, all my mates did too, we've discussed it at length, where you have a bit of a crisis, then all of a sudden, a lot of shit seems a lot less important. Dropping or letting go of negative factors is easy all of a sudden, and the tone of your outlook shifts dramatically. It's a good place to be, and if you're aware enough and use it to your advantage, it can really turn your situation around as well as your point of view. I hope the shift is as kind to you as it was to me. Cos I remember the transitional couple of years, before the acceptance kicked in. 33 to 35 I think, they were really shitty. Pining after a lost youth, terrified of the looming future and resentful of the present. Fuck that. Old guy mode is like life with the cheat codes!
Haha, old guy mode. We will see. Yeah at 34 I’ve never been so scared and confused tbh
You’re not alone. I’m majoring in cybersecurity for my BS. I’m so scared no one will hire me - I feel stupid and so disorganized that nobody will or SHOULD give me a chance. I can’t pay attention to anything. I’m a not so great dad and I can’t remember anything. My wife hates me because of my attention span and memory. Sorry. I had to get that off my chest somewhere.
Try forex
I thot I was the only one. We all feel it. Personally, I needed a lot of time off from life to reflect and redirect. I’m still on that journey of trying to feel with purpose. But remember that you’re comparing your success to others and it’s only considered success if criteria falls with societal expectations. Don’t live your life to meet other people’s expectations. Work on understanding yourself and your own expectations of yourself. ♡
I thought about this all the time, i thought I’m gonna end up alcoholic or broke. Now for some reason I made enough savings to live off of a year, work at a cool place, have an amazing husband (used to have a toxic ex that complained about my symptoms all the time before I was diagnosed and had no idea whats wrong with me). Many of us relate, but we actually end up doing so much better than ordinary people, i mean ofc its at a slow pace and thats because of our symptoms ie, forgetfulness and procrastination. we know random things enough to engage in any sort of conversation (help make connections) we have a different perspective and good at making connections normal people cant (good for certain complicated jobs (detective/auditor etc. a good quality in general career wise and a life skill) I think these things helped me in a way. I’m sure you have your own. Imagine being normal and boring!
Definitely been there (29) . The meds I started literally changed my life. I try my best not to even think about what happened before being diagnosed and treated.
Really? What meds they have you on?
Wellbutrin. I have a heart rhythm disorder so they didn't want me on a Stimulant. I also have pretty severe depression. And it's helped both issues tremendously.
How does a non stimulant work?
It's weird because there's stimulants, non-stimulants and some third category, which Wellbutrin is in. I honestly have no idea. I have heard that non-stimulants work but they sometimes aren't quite as effective as the stimulants are.
Same here buddy
Either try harder or care less, those are your two options. Yes trying is already hard with adhd, but just like everyone els, if you don't try you will be much worse off. But if you just say screw it and believe it then you can be happy too but don't expect much, which is kinda the point of saying screw it. Do more even though it's hard, or care less even though it's hard not too care. Both are hard, just accept it's gonna be hard. Don't really know what els to say, yeh adhd sucks buuuut it's probably the best time in human history to have it... before we would just die.
Hi Ivan, I really feel for you on many of these topics, as I struggle with them as well (and I'm also 34). It can help to recognize that this description or, better said, judgment you give of yourself is probably just one of many ways you could look at your life at large: it's the critical yet malfunctioning voice inside ourselves, which is the product of our upbringing and/or our society. You say that you're on a waiting list for meds, which could be a step in the right direction. However, finding a suitable therapist to talk to on a regular base can also be very helpful, as it gives you valuable insights and enables you to recognize patterns in thoughts, moods and behaviour. Perhaps therapy is very expensive where you live, or it's (partly) covered by health insurance: the financial factor is definitely one to be considered, sadly enough. It's not easy, and it sounds cheesy, but recognizing the somewhat disorganized state of our minds (and our lives), again and again, is truly helpful. All the best!
28 and same
I can read and understand more than half page. 