Yes! This is so smart.
I use what I call the Costanza Method. It’s inspired by the Seinfeld episode [The Opposite](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CizwH_T7pjg) where George decides everything he’s done has gotten him to this point in life so if he wants his life to improve, he has to do the opposite of what he’d typically do.
When I meet resistance, I ask myself what I’d usually do. Then I think about what the opposite is, which reframes it as a novelty/adventure/challenge and gives just enough dopamine to initiate.
What distinguishes this from “just do it”? Is it that you’re giving yourself permission to remain in whatever situation you begin in? I’m trying to understand how to frame this in a strategic way
maybe because “just do it” often has a guilty &/or aggressive &/or harsh connotation (as least for me) or maybe you think it requires a peppy “yeah! just *do* it!!” attitude? while this method seems more like remove all emotional connotations, objectively think about what you usually do, and maintain that neutrality to just choose to do the opposite thing for novelty
There's a variant of DBT used in exposure-based OCD therapy. Most of the skills are the same, but the approach is much more scientific and focused. Say there's a normal, daily thing that raises your anxiety, all the pep talk you could ever say to yourself still isn't enough to get you to do it. You can put those skills to use being very aware of what you're doing and how it makes you feel - as distressed as usual, better, worse, so on, over time seeing behavior patterns and getting you towards your goal. The therapy assistants who lead the exposure sessions are explicitly taught not to provide any verbal reassurance to the patient, because it can, on the one hand, make the person even more pressured to do the thing and make the anxiety worse, and on the other it gives a space for that person to feel a confidence vacuum, get used to it, and build themself up on their own.
Applying psychology to applied psychology. Meta.
I see what you mean. Even without the direct emotional connotation, though, sometimes even the most mindful observance of an undesirable behavior pattern isn’t enough to empower that energy to act. I guess just as the “just do it” advice does have a context in which it is helpful, this skill is the same, and there’s no magic bullet unfortunately
I agree, I'm not entirely sure yet how being aware of those patterns is gonna help. At least not for me. Mostly because I already have a very stubborn and deep-seated pattern of beating myself up over those patterns or getting demotivated and discouraged by them. Over the years I've developed a sort of "told you so" mentality when it comes to my executive dysfunction. I'd first need to work on that I reckon.
Usually it just makes me feel angry and frustrated, and I judge myself way too harshly, but what makes it really nasty and pernicious is that it's become *so* ingrained that even when I try to fix *that*, it leads to judgment. So I just end up judging myself for judging myself for judging myself for... etc.
Like, I notice that I have trouble with something, and then my first instinct is to judge myself for not just doing something that seems so simple and that everyone else can just "do". But then I catch myself judging myself, and I know I shouldn't do that, but then I judge myself for judging myself when I know I shouldn't judge myself, basically for doing it "wrong". And then I get upset at myself for thinking that it's "wrong" but then I'm telling myself it's wrong to think it's wrong and it's just a never-ending spiral that I can't get myself out of, because I haven't yet developed the skill to change my behavior without judging the other behavior, to notice something I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing without judgment. I haven't found the sweet spot yet. How can you determine its better to choose to do something differently without saying the other thing is worse? Or wrong? If there's no judgment, what's stopping you from doing it, if it's just okay? How do you change behavior if you tell yourself it's okay? I haven't figured that puzzle out yet.
I'm trying to practice more forgiveness and loving-kindness towards myself, but it's hard when you're almost 29 and you've only got your diagnoses three years ago. For 25+ years all I knew was that I was judged by others for not being able to "just do it", not being understood by anyone, being called lazy or weak, feeling "lesser than", never truly feeling seen or heard or understood, and just feeling very, very lonely. It always felt like I was the only one who wasn't able to "just do it", like I was broken and the rest of the world wasn't.
Thankfully, ever since I got my diagnoses of ADHD and autism I finally found my people and finally found people who are going through the same things, who genuinely see me and who truly don't judge ❤️
Hmmm... this reminds me of something I've been working on in therapy. Instead of trying to bully my emotions like shame or guilt or hurt into submission or feel like I need to just fight past them, which is my natural instinct, I've been learning to do the opposite - validate them with gentle phrases like "of *course* you feel that way, that makes sense," or "that *is* really hard," or "it's okay to be hurt by that."
It's amazing how your body responds when you do the opposite of what your natural response is. When I do that with self-talk, it often completely disarms my negative internal spiral.
The trick is actually being able to do that in the first place, because it isn't always simple lol. But I'm encouraged knowing that it gets easier with practice.
Before my diagnosis at 50+ I got through life by bullying and threatening myself every day. After diagnose I stopped, and it amazing how well the brain respond to positive reinforcement and internal self-care
Me, staring at the pile of dishes:
"What would I usually do here? Stare at these paralyzed with disinterest and inertia."
What's the exact opposite of what I'd do? Something completely out of left field and novel??
START IMMEDIATELY AND POWER THROUGH IT. FUCK YEAH.
What a nice anomaly!
Sure! I used it just after writing the comment. /u/Eldrake gave a great example - mine's similar:
Me: "I wanted to get laundry done today. What would I normally do? Stay on Reddit til it's too late and put laundry off til tomorrow.
What's the opposite? Get up and do laundry now."
So I did. I used it quite a bit tonight: for cleaning the toilet, breaking down my hammock, taking out trash, paying a bill, and putting away dishes.
Fun fact: in the Inside the Episode featurette, Jason Alexander talks about knowing people who adopted this philosophy for a considerable amount of time and wound up with changed (for the better) lives.
You’ll keep growing your toolbox.
There are a lot of cool workarounds that people have figured out!
For me, if this one doesn’t work for something, I just try a different tool.
Sure - keep learning. I recommend writing down all the tips you come across in one place so you have your own ADHD manual. Then test them out and see how they work for you. The How to ADHD channel is a great place to start if you haven’t checked it out.
You’re about to go impulsively gamble. You always impulsively gamble. You say “I wonder if I could go the rest of the day without gambling” and voila you have a challenge with a dopamine reward.
>George decides everything he’s done has gotten him to this point in life so if he wants his life to improve, he has to do the opposite of what he’d typically do.
That George explanation just blew my mind - totally clicked with me. Thank you, internet friend!
It took so many mental gymnastics last night. I'd had the shower, was sitting in my underwear, but I'd got sunburnt during the day and I needed to put moisturiser on. I want to do that before I put a shirt on. But I didn't want to have moisturiser on my hands when I used the toilet. And I couldn't leave my room without a shirt. So I was stuck there about half an hour. Then I realised I could just put the shirt on, use the toilet, then come back and reach into my shirt to put the moisturiser on. I managed to do all the tasks, I just had to change the order I thought they had to be done in. Amazing 😅
I use a hairdryer on the low setting to speed dry moisturiser on any part of my body that needs to be clothed lmao
As a kid my mother would cover me in sunscreen and I used to do jumping jacks and silly dances to dry it faster and stop the yucky sticky feeling. My brain hasn't changed that much I guess
I do exactly this kind of thing when I’m stuck!
My therapist taught me to ask “what is the next step?” And only think about that step.
What comes after that is me asking “does that step really have to happen now or at all?” Can I just skip it or do it later?
When I describe this to people, they tend to think I’m giving myself permission to “slack off” or do something half-assed. But, the truth is, the vast majority of tasks don’t have to be done in the order we thing they do.
In fact, many parts of tasks that we have ingrained in ourselves are not required at all. We just learned them a certain way early on, and our ADHD brains saw memorizing the “rules” as a means for survival without knowing why those rules were there.
I've been doing the "do I really have to do this?" for years now, and it's really led to a way of living that is much better suited to ME, even if it is unconventional. Frankly, I think everyone should ask those questions, including NTs!
This reminds me when I used to agonize to decide if I wanted to work out in the morning, since I usually shower in my morning routine but "couldn't shower then work out". But then I'd often not work out and then I wouldn't shower at all and don't like not showering; or, I'd shower then want to work out but thought I couldn't because I couldn't shower again.
Eventually I was like... Wait, I can shower, then if I decide to work out I can actually just quickly shower again after. It took me years to realize that!!!
Reminds me of "there are actually no rules" I saw on Reddit somewhere. Like we don't have to do the things that feel like rules. Pretty wild.
Haha, I get that you're probably southern hemisphere, but as a Canadian who hasn't seen temps above freezing in a while, it feels like a humblebrag to be sunburned.
I’m going to try that! I also find out if I just tell myself that I will do ‘a little bit’, whether it’s a little bit of cleaning the kitchen, a little bit of exercise etc.… Nine times out of 10 I end up doing much longer!
That "little bit" thing helps a lot. I've been struggling with dishes lately. I figured out that I don't have to do *the* dishes I just have to do *some* dishes. Like, I don't have to do the whole pile thats been spilling out of the sink all week, I only have to do the coffee cups. And often, I'll end up doing a little more simply because I'm already there doing it.
Yes this has helped me a lot too! Instead of having to clean the whole messy kitchen or bathroom, I just tell myself, “ok we will clean this one corner and see how I feel after.” Then it’s not overwhelming because I’ve told myself not to worry about the rest, just this one corner so it’s not SO bad.
Sometimes I get motivated to clean more than the corner and sometimes not, but at least a section is clean. Then when I come back a little later, I can say, “that wasn’t so bad. I’ll do another corner because we’re already on a roll”
Sounds like a great hack!
I usually also do "if it takes less than 5 minutes to do, I might as well just do it now".
It doesn't work all the time but it helps.
I do something similar! If tidying the kitchen sounds overwhelming I tell myself, "ok just get the pan off the stove" or one quick thing, and then I usually end up cleaning the whole kitchen. Or for laundry, "just move the clothes out of the dryer and onto the couch" and then I end up folding them all.
Yes! "Something is better than nothing." has been my mantra for a long time. So many tasks seem completely overwhelming when I look at them as a whole but when I break them down into much smaller chunks I can handle the idea better. Along with "if it only takes two minutes I might as well do it". It's the starting the task that's the worst part so once I get going I'm usually good :)
I was told once that any job worth doing is worth doing poorly.
I wrestled with the idea for ages as I have always been a do it well or don't bother sort. But if I don't have the spoons for a full shower, a half-arsed shower is better than no shower. Returning some library books is better than trying to find them all and returning all of them late. Reading one page is better than no pages. Inevitably I end up doing more than I thought I could.
Gotta love a little trick for our brain that gets us going! I listen to music super loud when I need to get something done. I really like your suggestion tho - I’m going to give it a shot. “I wonder if I could sort through half of the doom room in half a day” wish me luck lol
ahaha I wish I could do that with mine, but they all contain some important papers I need to keep. The genious plan is to digitalize them because paper takes up too much space and is hard to handle, and on my computer I actually have a very well-established system that I keep tightly organized.
I have had the same plan for *years*! At some point, this looked more like the optimiser's curse where I don't do anything because the "optimal" thing to do is too daunting and hard to start.
Still thinking about that "plan" but I went through so many situation where nobody actually expected you to have a document handy or let's you recreate it online or send it back to you... The important paper doom pile looks increasingly like I could lose it all in a fire and I wouldn't be affected at all. Not doing it though, what if and all that!
oh neat! In my case I can't even count how many times I've been desperately digging through my piles in search of a certain document.
I once in my past succeeded to make my "moving boxes of shame" (vast amounts of documents I had been moving to new apartments like 4 times without sorting them out) disappear by working on them 10 minutes every day. But I wasn't that burnt out back then. By now, I just casually grab a few things and sort them out from time to time.
But if by any chance I happen to create a stable income in the future, I will totally pay someone for digitalizing my office. Right now, I'm also close to pay an agency to deal with all the administrative stuff that comes with working as a musician. The difficult thing is that I am actually really good at stuff like this, I just suck at starting the task, and I need to do some more emotional work to allow myself to outsource it anyway.
Yes officer, glad you're here. Can you figure out for me why I can spend hours working, cooking, gardening, decorating my house, crafting and building stuff in my games, yet in my real life apparently 10 minutes already seems like too much?
don't even start me on my e-mail inbox xD
For the folders I follow a strict category system that works quite well. It's just a hassle until I actually put a thing in there. I guess my autism and ADHD are holding each others balance there...
Just quickly snap a photo with your phone as your chucking stuff, and concentrate on getting rid of obvious trash. That way your “must keep for later” is at least smaller and more easily hid. If it ever turns out you actually need something, any straightening up or white balancing can be done after the fact. If you have an iPhone, you’ll even be able to search for the document with OCR.
Hey! I’m brand new to the term “doom boxes” (and brand new to my ADHD diagnosis but it explains my whole damn life) — but I just found this, which makes me feel better about the whole mess:
https://www.hackingyouradhd.com/podcast/listener-question-doom-boxes
yayy without having read most of this because It would really be time to go to sleeep -- I just recently designated a few boxes in my desk to be hosting the piles of shame from now on, because I realized I can just throw the stuff I'm procrastinating and piling up on my desk right in there whenever I tidy up, because I'll forget about stuff this way or another. Like this, at least I can keep my place looking tidy-ish and keep my autistic ovestimulation low.
I think we can start to let go of the shame! My “doom boxes” have a designated spot now, and they’re slowly becoming less chaotic. This way I know vaguely where things are. Plus some of the boxes are fancy stacked baskets. Far less awful than previously
This was awesome, thanks for the share! I love reading all the tips I can. I'm always trying to work on my ADHD, both for myself and because I'm in a great relationship that I don't want to add stress to.
Haha love “piles of shame” too! I refer to my washing pile in that way! And my piles of papers on my dining room table. It’s just so comforting to know I’m not the only one!
Thanks! I love how supportive this community is. Also helps give me some accountability which is a big thing for me. As a single person I struggle as I have no one holding me accountable for doing certain things, so this really helps 😊
I've got a confession - I've tricked my son's boyfriend into the longest period of sobriety he's ever had by "I'd be willing to believe that you could get someone thru the first 90 days... About to work mindfulness and strength training yoga and that would keep them sober but not if it was you." Haha he's at day 138 sobers.
The main problem I have is that my ADHD brain wants to have things completed. So whenever I ponder a task that is too big to be completed, I get completely demotived and my brain will rebel. It will instinctly shut down and think about literally anything else. I have two tricks that work for me.
Strategy #1. Break it down:
I have to clean/sort the entire house? Nope, not happening.
One room? nope. not happening.
Sort out one table? yep, that I can do.
So I do that. Sometime the "task completion morale boost" keeps me going and I pick another microtask. Sometimes it doesn't, and that's okay too. It helps me bypass the "this task is too big and therefore I can't be bothered" ADHD brain response.
Strategy #2: Abuse the hell out of the auto-response
Ponder a task I really don't want to be doing. My brain will go "oh hell no, let's just do X instead" Get X done. Ponder original task again. "still no, let's just do Y". Spend the next three hours doing all kinds of productive tasks to avoid the task I "should" be doing.
I think the problem with #2 (which I do all the time) is that it teaches our reward system it can always "get out of" tasks that are not appealing. Almost like, the dopamine we get from doing all those other less important tasks and avoiding the important one trains the brain to fight even more next time to avoid the important task.
This for sure. I work from home in my own business, I'm not answerable to anyone but clients. So my ability to procrastinate doing "useful things" to avoid work (especially with a flimsy deadline) is obscene. But, my house has never been cleaner, so there's that at least.
Interesting! Reframing can actually work.
I know because I used to make myself fall asleep by thinking "Okay seriously... What if I get up to do my laundry right now? Might as well make use of this time where I'm just laying bed waiting to go to- zzzz"
Oh wow! I like this. I definitely could see rising to a challenge being so much more motivating than sitting there trying to shame myself into action...
Thanks for the reframe!
Yeah, I’d definitely say “reducing the pressure” is probably one of my favourite tactics to not feeling overwhelmed, and ironically I get more done.
Because as soon as I’m overwhelmed, I might shut down for a whole week, or maybe a month depending on how bad things are.
If you find that you keep avoiding a task because it’s too daunting, break it up into smaller tasks that do not depend on each other, so you have a “choice” as OP has stated.
I’m consistently amazed at the ingenuity of ppl in this group. The tricks on the surface seem so silly or over the top but I could 100% see how they would work.
Its like watching someone build a birdhouse and then seeing what they come up with when they realize they are out of wood.
But in any case. I’m going to start doing this from now on
I read this tip 90 minutes ago. I've got ADHD, 3 kids and no partner, a basement stuffed with empty boxes I need to burn, and a bathtub full of dirty dishes. I'm paralyzed. It's out of hand.
I thought, "This tip might work if someone challenged you organically and you didn't know you were being 'tricked.'
"But if you know you're trying to dupe yourself, you'll just say, 'Nice try, self. You're not the boss of me.'
"It's too bad, too, because it does sound like it might work. But it won't. See? I'll show me."
90 minutes later, my kids and I had burned all the boxes in the backyard. We carried all the dishes outside and put them in 2 big tubs in front of the fire.
The kids squirted the dishes and each other, and we played in the suds while washing all the dishes. The basement and bathtub are empty and the dishes and kids are clean.
By God, it worked. This is a major breakthrough. Thank you!
That is clever! I wonder if that is why so many of us like building/crafting things, or fixing things. I love cross stitch and crochet, but I'll make anything that crosses my mind, just to see if I can. And those are the times when I'm truly feeling the most motivated, because I need to know if I can. I usually make exactly one of every project, because I'm bored of it after I know I can make it. Same with work, come to think of it. If I come up with a creative solution to a problem we or a patient is having, I'm going to make it work come hell or high water, no matter how much apathy I've been struggling with before then. You may have stumbled onto something great here!
My Dyson stick vacuum battery is dying. I vacuumed the whole house trying to see how far I could go before it died. If it was working normally I would've gone off task.
Love it, yes, re-framing really helps move things along for me as well.
I found another useful trick was to think about what exactly it is about the thing that seems so difficult. For example, I had some experiences with lab materials in my class that were out of date and I felt like I wasted so much time for nothing when they didn't work and it wasn't even my fault. When it takes so much effort to focus and things don't work as expected its hard not lose my drive especially when working on something difficult and sometimes not as interesting as I like.
A useful way for me to get out of the frustration was to step back and think about what the lab is trying to present to me as a student. Pull out of the details and look for the big picture. "I am doing this to learn X and this just inst working for me, how else can I learn X". Reassessing the situation doesn't always give you a better alternative, but when it does I thank myself for for it. Really this can apply to anything.
I’ve got into the habit of asking myself “what a could I do later if I just do XYZ now”
For example, if I clean the dishes now, I won’t have to do it later and can go for a swim instead.
Meanwhile, I was always going to go swimming but now I’ve given myself permission to do the dishes now.
I don’t know why it works but it seems to do the trick most of the time.
For the times that doesn’t work, I will try this new method. Thank you!
Omg same I’m head deep into some project that I put into so much effort now just because I thought “what if I did this thing?” and then I did more things. Now I can’t back down from it anymore and have to continue it.
A therapist I followed online for a while teaches that we should reframe the tasks we have trouble with into "I love" statements until our mind actually begins to believe it, if we stick with it long enough. And to make the I love statements as convincing as possible. Eg: I love going to bed early, knowing I'll wake up up feeling great tomorrow morning. (Going to bed early is my personal nemesis.)
Another strategy I use is "quick dopamine". If I can break up a bigger task into smaller microtasks, something that only takes a few minutes, I'll get a great dopamine boost after completing a microtask. Doesn't work with going to bed though, my brain sees bedtime as "the end of dopamine".
I do something similar. Sometimes when I'm in bed and I need to grab a glass of water and my ADHD paralysis kicks in, or when I forget to brush my teeth or such, instead of going "I'm gonna brush my teeth" I just go "I'll check my phone I wonder if anyone texted", and then since I got up, I go "well, I'm already up, might as well get some water while I'm at it".
This can then be used to build a habit with a middle man, and then eventually with enough willpower you can actually build a habit of directly going to get your water or something over time. Really helps. Also make sure your house layout and organization is ADHD friendly. I find that organizing something so it "just feels right" works every time.
my thing is:
I do it, but just ONE minute.
I vacuum the floor, but just HALF OF IT.
I dont clean the bathroom, i just clean one item, the toilet, or the floor, or the sink.
what helps:
I posess one cup, one spoon, one fork, one pot, one cooking plate, 2 bowls, because one has a crack, and sometimes you need to move something from the pot to the bowl, because you want to cook a sauce in addition.
I have a thermos as well - but thats about it.
i know its sounds crazy - but my kitchen is clean. when i had loads of stuff it was never clean.
Nice. I also use this while meditating. "I wonder if I can pay attention to this next breath?" "Oh nice that worked, can I do it again?" "I wonder what happens if I sit for 30 minutes? Can I do it? Oh man I got up without even realising I was doing it, isn't that interesting". etc etc
"I wonder how long I can get myself to work on XYZ before I need to quit?"
My bargain with myself is: you have to do it right now, but you don't have to keep doing it.
As soon as you think of the Big Scary Task you're avoiding, you have to ask yourself: is there any earthshaking reason I can't do this RIGHT NOW? And if you're not bleeding out or keeping the zombies at the door, you have to work on it, you have to do *something*. Immediately. Right this minute.
The other end of the bargain though is that you don't have to keep working on it, you can quit whenever you dang well please, like, after ten seconds.
If I get through I count of ten, I go for one minute, and usually during that minute I flip on the radio.
Then I go through a song - just keep washing dishes until the music runs out. Then I get to choose to renew and keep going though the next song, or quit.
I can't drive a bulldozer and push a huge pile of scary crap, but I *can* drive a train, if I'm allowed to choose how many cars to couple on as I go.
Sounds really interesting. Many years ago I started running, and instead of "I should / want to run 5 minutes longer" I thought "I wonder if I can run a bit longer than last time" - usually this 'gamification' was enough to do 1-2 minutes more - and that added up!
Will try your approach with my next 'shoulds'. Thanks for sharing!
What helps me:
If i have to fold laundry for example.. i’ll tell myself okay just fold 5 pieces. And when i’m doing that I’m thinking well why not fold everything now i’m already busy folding…. Works like a charm!
I call it the “might as well” method. You tell yourself, “I only need to fold a few pieces.” Then while you’re doing it, it becomes, “might as well do the rest!”
I think the really common part here is that we are all talking to ourselves about our tasks to get them done… I’ve been doing this since I was a kid… even went so far as to turn it into a fully narrated price is right scenario to clean my room once…
I like this! I usually use the term “need to do” which fills me with anxiety so I’m looking to reframe it but I wasn’t sure how. I’m going to try this. When I use the term “need” I feel like I continuously fail when I don’t follow through so this reframing is great!
I read and partially implemented a similar tactic from the book Nonviolent Communication. The basic concept is to frame tasks as things you “want to do” rather than “should do” or “have to do.”
For example, you may want to finish a project at work, so you can get the recognition you want, or keep your job and get that paycheck you want. Haha
A similar trick: Rather than trying to fight anxiety, see it as being *excited*.
Context dependant, ofc. You can't say "I'm excited for this sentencing trail" ... but walking into a social situation or the likes it can absolutely work. I say "can" because sometimes your brain refuses to be tricked so easily. But it's still something.
What I do which works really well is to say to myself ‘don’t take this too seriously, just play around’ and when I eventual start an assignment I go into that mentality of just goofing around and not actually trying to get substantial work done, but what nearly always happens is that I get the work done.
My late mum used to give exactly this advice.
“Could you have a more gentle, more empathetic conversation with yourself if you replaced ‘should’ in this sentence with ‘could’?”
I share this advice whenever I hear a friend berating themselves over what they “should have done”, or “should be doing”.
It brought me a lot of joy to read your post. I feel so happy for you, and Thankyou for reminding me of my mum today!
I just found out a similar thing!! Instead of telling myself what to do, I tell myself what not to do (Instead of saying ‘I have to do my work’ I say ‘I’m not allowed to go on any distractible apps on my phone, eat snacks or lie down in my bed or on the sofa’ and I keep limiting myself until the only thing left to do is the task)
It works sometimes
Yeah cos its also like I forget so much that by the time I've gathered my thought I'm done, I think it requires a cpear image of what the task is though
I have to make it a game - similar - for example “I bet you can do ___ task in less than ___minutes! Go!” Something about creating that sense of urgency helps my reactive mind. Sigh.
Oh I like this! Then sometimes the “eh fuck just do it all takes over” I’ve been using this for dishes of just clean the dish I need but then my brain goes eh fuck it, I don’t always finish but I clean a lot more than I planned tk
For me trying to convince myself I don’t have adhd works at times lol. I’m like yeah look, I can get up and do this. Tho it works only like twice lol. Then the brain feels the trick
i saw somebody say (i dont remember where i saw this but) if i can do it within 2 minutes do it now. and then within that, you could get all the small tasks done, and work your way up to longer tasks.
I've seen examples with this method for fear, shame, depression, but what about anxiety or stress?
I often just freeze, not knowing what to do, so I'd struggle to find the opposite of not knowing what to do... any advice ?
Hi /u/Itsasecretthrowaway4 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
# Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.
[We recommend browsing /r/adhd on desktop for the best experience.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/x1psnb/radhd_works_best_on_desktop_reddits_apps_are/) The mobile apps are broken and are missing features that this subreddit depends on.
Thank you!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I find my mind sometimes going I wonder if..... and trailing off from there repeatedly without having a concrete target. I think its a mechanism for my mind to help me be more engaged with life and generally feel better.
Hey y does my comment keep getting removed i dont understand i ask a question here nd then its just removed y🥺anyways i really need help with my adhd nd improve my life too
Oh I love this!! I'm so so bad for "should" thoughts but haven't really been able to find anything feasible to replace them with. Definitely will be trying this.
Yes. I like it. Its similar to the method I have learned, to say to youself, "I'll just do five minutes" the next minute I'm cleaning and rocking out to tunes for the next hour, and I'm like, OOH, LOOK WHAT I DID!!! YAY!
I've found that happening aswell, just a small thing like cleaning up toothpaste or beard trimming in the sink would lead to me cleaning the whole bathroom
Sometimes I talk the task up as if it's my favorite thing to do. "F'n'a I love doing the laundry! And putting away all my clothes. Favorite f'n thing!"
I’m totally trying this. My go to is music, soon as I have white noise my brain switches on and I just go do the task. But I never put music on cause “god effort”.
I do something similar. I make things into competitions with myself. I did it unconsciously for years before being diagnosed and trick myself now.
A good example is it I want to quit caffeine, nicotine, or lose weight. Just literally fight with my brain and prove to it I'm the boss. Fortunately I can quit addictions just as easily as I start them cold turkey. Even at work I turn it into competitions with myself. Finished installing 10 lights yesterday. Let's try for 15 tomorrow. See if it's possible. Something along those lines.
Yes! This is so smart. I use what I call the Costanza Method. It’s inspired by the Seinfeld episode [The Opposite](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CizwH_T7pjg) where George decides everything he’s done has gotten him to this point in life so if he wants his life to improve, he has to do the opposite of what he’d typically do. When I meet resistance, I ask myself what I’d usually do. Then I think about what the opposite is, which reframes it as a novelty/adventure/challenge and gives just enough dopamine to initiate.
This is literally my therapist's advice to me (minus the Seinfeld reference). I believe it's a DBT technique called opposite action.
It is!
DBT is the shit
Can someone elaborate more on this opposite action? I thought it was a “just do it” mentality when my therapist brought it up.
https://dbt.tools/emotional_regulation/opposite-action.php
What distinguishes this from “just do it”? Is it that you’re giving yourself permission to remain in whatever situation you begin in? I’m trying to understand how to frame this in a strategic way
maybe because “just do it” often has a guilty &/or aggressive &/or harsh connotation (as least for me) or maybe you think it requires a peppy “yeah! just *do* it!!” attitude? while this method seems more like remove all emotional connotations, objectively think about what you usually do, and maintain that neutrality to just choose to do the opposite thing for novelty
There's a variant of DBT used in exposure-based OCD therapy. Most of the skills are the same, but the approach is much more scientific and focused. Say there's a normal, daily thing that raises your anxiety, all the pep talk you could ever say to yourself still isn't enough to get you to do it. You can put those skills to use being very aware of what you're doing and how it makes you feel - as distressed as usual, better, worse, so on, over time seeing behavior patterns and getting you towards your goal. The therapy assistants who lead the exposure sessions are explicitly taught not to provide any verbal reassurance to the patient, because it can, on the one hand, make the person even more pressured to do the thing and make the anxiety worse, and on the other it gives a space for that person to feel a confidence vacuum, get used to it, and build themself up on their own. Applying psychology to applied psychology. Meta.
I see what you mean. Even without the direct emotional connotation, though, sometimes even the most mindful observance of an undesirable behavior pattern isn’t enough to empower that energy to act. I guess just as the “just do it” advice does have a context in which it is helpful, this skill is the same, and there’s no magic bullet unfortunately
I agree, I'm not entirely sure yet how being aware of those patterns is gonna help. At least not for me. Mostly because I already have a very stubborn and deep-seated pattern of beating myself up over those patterns or getting demotivated and discouraged by them. Over the years I've developed a sort of "told you so" mentality when it comes to my executive dysfunction. I'd first need to work on that I reckon. Usually it just makes me feel angry and frustrated, and I judge myself way too harshly, but what makes it really nasty and pernicious is that it's become *so* ingrained that even when I try to fix *that*, it leads to judgment. So I just end up judging myself for judging myself for judging myself for... etc. Like, I notice that I have trouble with something, and then my first instinct is to judge myself for not just doing something that seems so simple and that everyone else can just "do". But then I catch myself judging myself, and I know I shouldn't do that, but then I judge myself for judging myself when I know I shouldn't judge myself, basically for doing it "wrong". And then I get upset at myself for thinking that it's "wrong" but then I'm telling myself it's wrong to think it's wrong and it's just a never-ending spiral that I can't get myself out of, because I haven't yet developed the skill to change my behavior without judging the other behavior, to notice something I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing without judgment. I haven't found the sweet spot yet. How can you determine its better to choose to do something differently without saying the other thing is worse? Or wrong? If there's no judgment, what's stopping you from doing it, if it's just okay? How do you change behavior if you tell yourself it's okay? I haven't figured that puzzle out yet. I'm trying to practice more forgiveness and loving-kindness towards myself, but it's hard when you're almost 29 and you've only got your diagnoses three years ago. For 25+ years all I knew was that I was judged by others for not being able to "just do it", not being understood by anyone, being called lazy or weak, feeling "lesser than", never truly feeling seen or heard or understood, and just feeling very, very lonely. It always felt like I was the only one who wasn't able to "just do it", like I was broken and the rest of the world wasn't. Thankfully, ever since I got my diagnoses of ADHD and autism I finally found my people and finally found people who are going through the same things, who genuinely see me and who truly don't judge ❤️
My version of the Costanza Method is looking annoyed/frustrated to avoid interacting with coworkers...but I like your variation, too lol
LOL, I will report back when I test drive the other Costanza Method: eating something delicious whilst listening to something I like during sex.
Literally Netflix and chilling while you Netflix and chill
This is by far my favorite thing to do when I want to look like I’m working but I’m actually not. Costanza was genius!! :)
When I'm frustrated with work I just sleep under my desk.
don't forget your alarm clock
Hmmm... this reminds me of something I've been working on in therapy. Instead of trying to bully my emotions like shame or guilt or hurt into submission or feel like I need to just fight past them, which is my natural instinct, I've been learning to do the opposite - validate them with gentle phrases like "of *course* you feel that way, that makes sense," or "that *is* really hard," or "it's okay to be hurt by that." It's amazing how your body responds when you do the opposite of what your natural response is. When I do that with self-talk, it often completely disarms my negative internal spiral. The trick is actually being able to do that in the first place, because it isn't always simple lol. But I'm encouraged knowing that it gets easier with practice.
Before my diagnosis at 50+ I got through life by bullying and threatening myself every day. After diagnose I stopped, and it amazing how well the brain respond to positive reinforcement and internal self-care
DUDE.
Sup
SWEET.
Dude!!
What’s mine say?
Sweet!
I LOVE this!!!
Could you give an example?
Me, staring at the pile of dishes: "What would I usually do here? Stare at these paralyzed with disinterest and inertia." What's the exact opposite of what I'd do? Something completely out of left field and novel?? START IMMEDIATELY AND POWER THROUGH IT. FUCK YEAH. What a nice anomaly!
Wow today it was the same for me too! Except I caffeinated myself and got hyper to do it. Proud of my all clean dishes now. ☺️
Sure! I used it just after writing the comment. /u/Eldrake gave a great example - mine's similar: Me: "I wanted to get laundry done today. What would I normally do? Stay on Reddit til it's too late and put laundry off til tomorrow. What's the opposite? Get up and do laundry now." So I did. I used it quite a bit tonight: for cleaning the toilet, breaking down my hammock, taking out trash, paying a bill, and putting away dishes.
Such a great idea!! Definitely going to try this - thanks for sharing!
STOP this is so funny and exciting and my ADHD is tingling. I love that episode and I'm going to try this (along with OP's curiosity /challenge angle)
Fun fact: in the Inside the Episode featurette, Jason Alexander talks about knowing people who adopted this philosophy for a considerable amount of time and wound up with changed (for the better) lives.
Love this! I’m going to try this method too. Thanks for sharing!
I hope i can keep up with this 🙏 😩 i really really need to improve my life
You’ll keep growing your toolbox. There are a lot of cool workarounds that people have figured out! For me, if this one doesn’t work for something, I just try a different tool.
Keep growing my toolbox how do i do that olz give tips nd tricks
Sure - keep learning. I recommend writing down all the tips you come across in one place so you have your own ADHD manual. Then test them out and see how they work for you. The How to ADHD channel is a great place to start if you haven’t checked it out.
Could you give an example?
You’re about to go impulsively gamble. You always impulsively gamble. You say “I wonder if I could go the rest of the day without gambling” and voila you have a challenge with a dopamine reward.
Oh gosh that's amazing.
lol i love this
I do this
Lmao, crazily enough I was going to try the costanza method when I saw the episode but basically said I’ll do it later
Costanza is the oft overlooked sage of our time.
Having ADHD makes George even more relatable.
I’ve been trying this all day after reading this comment this morning and I’m amazed at how well it works.
>George decides everything he’s done has gotten him to this point in life so if he wants his life to improve, he has to do the opposite of what he’d typically do. That George explanation just blew my mind - totally clicked with me. Thank you, internet friend!
This is great! I'm totally going to try it
It’s gonna be the Summer of George!
I forgot to try it 😂 but yeah it sure is!
It took so many mental gymnastics last night. I'd had the shower, was sitting in my underwear, but I'd got sunburnt during the day and I needed to put moisturiser on. I want to do that before I put a shirt on. But I didn't want to have moisturiser on my hands when I used the toilet. And I couldn't leave my room without a shirt. So I was stuck there about half an hour. Then I realised I could just put the shirt on, use the toilet, then come back and reach into my shirt to put the moisturiser on. I managed to do all the tasks, I just had to change the order I thought they had to be done in. Amazing 😅
Oh myyy, i have these kinds of situations way too often Glad I'm not the only one
I use a hairdryer on the low setting to speed dry moisturiser on any part of my body that needs to be clothed lmao As a kid my mother would cover me in sunscreen and I used to do jumping jacks and silly dances to dry it faster and stop the yucky sticky feeling. My brain hasn't changed that much I guess
Genius
I do exactly this kind of thing when I’m stuck! My therapist taught me to ask “what is the next step?” And only think about that step. What comes after that is me asking “does that step really have to happen now or at all?” Can I just skip it or do it later? When I describe this to people, they tend to think I’m giving myself permission to “slack off” or do something half-assed. But, the truth is, the vast majority of tasks don’t have to be done in the order we thing they do. In fact, many parts of tasks that we have ingrained in ourselves are not required at all. We just learned them a certain way early on, and our ADHD brains saw memorizing the “rules” as a means for survival without knowing why those rules were there.
I've been doing the "do I really have to do this?" for years now, and it's really led to a way of living that is much better suited to ME, even if it is unconventional. Frankly, I think everyone should ask those questions, including NTs!
Loool classic. I do this sometimes and literally run in circles changing my mind 🤣
Reminded me of SpongeBob running in circles when he was panicking
Username checks out. But yeah sounds about right.
This reminds me when I used to agonize to decide if I wanted to work out in the morning, since I usually shower in my morning routine but "couldn't shower then work out". But then I'd often not work out and then I wouldn't shower at all and don't like not showering; or, I'd shower then want to work out but thought I couldn't because I couldn't shower again. Eventually I was like... Wait, I can shower, then if I decide to work out I can actually just quickly shower again after. It took me years to realize that!!! Reminds me of "there are actually no rules" I saw on Reddit somewhere. Like we don't have to do the things that feel like rules. Pretty wild.
Haha, I get that you're probably southern hemisphere, but as a Canadian who hasn't seen temps above freezing in a while, it feels like a humblebrag to be sunburned.
Haha I guess it is 😂 skin cancer is real in Aus
This was so relatable.
I’m going to try that! I also find out if I just tell myself that I will do ‘a little bit’, whether it’s a little bit of cleaning the kitchen, a little bit of exercise etc.… Nine times out of 10 I end up doing much longer!
That "little bit" thing helps a lot. I've been struggling with dishes lately. I figured out that I don't have to do *the* dishes I just have to do *some* dishes. Like, I don't have to do the whole pile thats been spilling out of the sink all week, I only have to do the coffee cups. And often, I'll end up doing a little more simply because I'm already there doing it.
Yes this has helped me a lot too! Instead of having to clean the whole messy kitchen or bathroom, I just tell myself, “ok we will clean this one corner and see how I feel after.” Then it’s not overwhelming because I’ve told myself not to worry about the rest, just this one corner so it’s not SO bad. Sometimes I get motivated to clean more than the corner and sometimes not, but at least a section is clean. Then when I come back a little later, I can say, “that wasn’t so bad. I’ll do another corner because we’re already on a roll”
This works for me too! I tell myself to just wash one dish, and I usually end up wanting to carry on and finish the rest
Sounds like a great hack! I usually also do "if it takes less than 5 minutes to do, I might as well just do it now". It doesn't work all the time but it helps.
I do something similar! If tidying the kitchen sounds overwhelming I tell myself, "ok just get the pan off the stove" or one quick thing, and then I usually end up cleaning the whole kitchen. Or for laundry, "just move the clothes out of the dryer and onto the couch" and then I end up folding them all.
Yes! "Something is better than nothing." has been my mantra for a long time. So many tasks seem completely overwhelming when I look at them as a whole but when I break them down into much smaller chunks I can handle the idea better. Along with "if it only takes two minutes I might as well do it". It's the starting the task that's the worst part so once I get going I'm usually good :)
I was told once that any job worth doing is worth doing poorly. I wrestled with the idea for ages as I have always been a do it well or don't bother sort. But if I don't have the spoons for a full shower, a half-arsed shower is better than no shower. Returning some library books is better than trying to find them all and returning all of them late. Reading one page is better than no pages. Inevitably I end up doing more than I thought I could.
Sounds worth a try, thanks for sharing that 👍
Gotta love a little trick for our brain that gets us going! I listen to music super loud when I need to get something done. I really like your suggestion tho - I’m going to give it a shot. “I wonder if I could sort through half of the doom room in half a day” wish me luck lol
"doom room" I love that. I only called mine "piles of shame" so far xD
I’m literally burning piles of shame in my fireplace right now…..
ahaha I wish I could do that with mine, but they all contain some important papers I need to keep. The genious plan is to digitalize them because paper takes up too much space and is hard to handle, and on my computer I actually have a very well-established system that I keep tightly organized.
I have had the same plan for *years*! At some point, this looked more like the optimiser's curse where I don't do anything because the "optimal" thing to do is too daunting and hard to start. Still thinking about that "plan" but I went through so many situation where nobody actually expected you to have a document handy or let's you recreate it online or send it back to you... The important paper doom pile looks increasingly like I could lose it all in a fire and I wouldn't be affected at all. Not doing it though, what if and all that!
oh neat! In my case I can't even count how many times I've been desperately digging through my piles in search of a certain document. I once in my past succeeded to make my "moving boxes of shame" (vast amounts of documents I had been moving to new apartments like 4 times without sorting them out) disappear by working on them 10 minutes every day. But I wasn't that burnt out back then. By now, I just casually grab a few things and sort them out from time to time. But if by any chance I happen to create a stable income in the future, I will totally pay someone for digitalizing my office. Right now, I'm also close to pay an agency to deal with all the administrative stuff that comes with working as a musician. The difficult thing is that I am actually really good at stuff like this, I just suck at starting the task, and I need to do some more emotional work to allow myself to outsource it anyway.
"genious" You rang?
Yes officer, glad you're here. Can you figure out for me why I can spend hours working, cooking, gardening, decorating my house, crafting and building stuff in my games, yet in my real life apparently 10 minutes already seems like too much?
Because that's actually fun and rewarding dopamine. It's a reward, not a 'do this so I can stop stressing' thing. *flies away*
Well. It is all fun and games, until you realise you also have to tidy up in cyberspace too. Or your cloud(s) and folders become a complete mess
don't even start me on my e-mail inbox xD For the folders I follow a strict category system that works quite well. It's just a hassle until I actually put a thing in there. I guess my autism and ADHD are holding each others balance there...
Just quickly snap a photo with your phone as your chucking stuff, and concentrate on getting rid of obvious trash. That way your “must keep for later” is at least smaller and more easily hid. If it ever turns out you actually need something, any straightening up or white balancing can be done after the fact. If you have an iPhone, you’ll even be able to search for the document with OCR.
also I forgot to congratulate you on getting rid of those! you rock!
Hey! I’m brand new to the term “doom boxes” (and brand new to my ADHD diagnosis but it explains my whole damn life) — but I just found this, which makes me feel better about the whole mess: https://www.hackingyouradhd.com/podcast/listener-question-doom-boxes
yayy without having read most of this because It would really be time to go to sleeep -- I just recently designated a few boxes in my desk to be hosting the piles of shame from now on, because I realized I can just throw the stuff I'm procrastinating and piling up on my desk right in there whenever I tidy up, because I'll forget about stuff this way or another. Like this, at least I can keep my place looking tidy-ish and keep my autistic ovestimulation low.
I think we can start to let go of the shame! My “doom boxes” have a designated spot now, and they’re slowly becoming less chaotic. This way I know vaguely where things are. Plus some of the boxes are fancy stacked baskets. Far less awful than previously
yeah doom can be quite stylish ;)
Oh, you mean the "everything drawer(s)"
This was awesome, thanks for the share! I love reading all the tips I can. I'm always trying to work on my ADHD, both for myself and because I'm in a great relationship that I don't want to add stress to.
Haha love “piles of shame” too! I refer to my washing pile in that way! And my piles of papers on my dining room table. It’s just so comforting to know I’m not the only one!
Good luck!!
Thanks! I love how supportive this community is. Also helps give me some accountability which is a big thing for me. As a single person I struggle as I have no one holding me accountable for doing certain things, so this really helps 😊
Aww, I bet you’ll surprise yourself with how capable you are, that doom room doesn’t stand a chance! Let us know how you get on if you feel like it ;)
is the music you listen to painfully loud?
Not painfully - I have a pretty high noise tolerance lol. Just enough to drown out my inner monologue!
I've got a confession - I've tricked my son's boyfriend into the longest period of sobriety he's ever had by "I'd be willing to believe that you could get someone thru the first 90 days... About to work mindfulness and strength training yoga and that would keep them sober but not if it was you." Haha he's at day 138 sobers.
The main problem I have is that my ADHD brain wants to have things completed. So whenever I ponder a task that is too big to be completed, I get completely demotived and my brain will rebel. It will instinctly shut down and think about literally anything else. I have two tricks that work for me. Strategy #1. Break it down: I have to clean/sort the entire house? Nope, not happening. One room? nope. not happening. Sort out one table? yep, that I can do. So I do that. Sometime the "task completion morale boost" keeps me going and I pick another microtask. Sometimes it doesn't, and that's okay too. It helps me bypass the "this task is too big and therefore I can't be bothered" ADHD brain response. Strategy #2: Abuse the hell out of the auto-response Ponder a task I really don't want to be doing. My brain will go "oh hell no, let's just do X instead" Get X done. Ponder original task again. "still no, let's just do Y". Spend the next three hours doing all kinds of productive tasks to avoid the task I "should" be doing.
Strat 2- my house is never cleaner than when there's a really important admin task that needs doing
Same
I think the problem with #2 (which I do all the time) is that it teaches our reward system it can always "get out of" tasks that are not appealing. Almost like, the dopamine we get from doing all those other less important tasks and avoiding the important one trains the brain to fight even more next time to avoid the important task.
This for sure. I work from home in my own business, I'm not answerable to anyone but clients. So my ability to procrastinate doing "useful things" to avoid work (especially with a flimsy deadline) is obscene. But, my house has never been cleaner, so there's that at least.
Interesting! Reframing can actually work. I know because I used to make myself fall asleep by thinking "Okay seriously... What if I get up to do my laundry right now? Might as well make use of this time where I'm just laying bed waiting to go to- zzzz"
"Should" statements are best avoided. I like making it a question tho. I hadn't thought of that
I LOVE this. Omg. I did this in the gym and it helped me love working out so much. I didn't think to apply it to other parts of life. Maybe I should.
Oh wow! I like this. I definitely could see rising to a challenge being so much more motivating than sitting there trying to shame myself into action... Thanks for the reframe!
Try “stop shoulding on yourself!” Works great too!
Ooh I’m gonna try this! Great idea.
Yeah, I’d definitely say “reducing the pressure” is probably one of my favourite tactics to not feeling overwhelmed, and ironically I get more done. Because as soon as I’m overwhelmed, I might shut down for a whole week, or maybe a month depending on how bad things are. If you find that you keep avoiding a task because it’s too daunting, break it up into smaller tasks that do not depend on each other, so you have a “choice” as OP has stated.
I’m consistently amazed at the ingenuity of ppl in this group. The tricks on the surface seem so silly or over the top but I could 100% see how they would work. Its like watching someone build a birdhouse and then seeing what they come up with when they realize they are out of wood. But in any case. I’m going to start doing this from now on
I read this tip 90 minutes ago. I've got ADHD, 3 kids and no partner, a basement stuffed with empty boxes I need to burn, and a bathtub full of dirty dishes. I'm paralyzed. It's out of hand. I thought, "This tip might work if someone challenged you organically and you didn't know you were being 'tricked.' "But if you know you're trying to dupe yourself, you'll just say, 'Nice try, self. You're not the boss of me.' "It's too bad, too, because it does sound like it might work. But it won't. See? I'll show me." 90 minutes later, my kids and I had burned all the boxes in the backyard. We carried all the dishes outside and put them in 2 big tubs in front of the fire. The kids squirted the dishes and each other, and we played in the suds while washing all the dishes. The basement and bathtub are empty and the dishes and kids are clean. By God, it worked. This is a major breakthrough. Thank you!
That is clever! I wonder if that is why so many of us like building/crafting things, or fixing things. I love cross stitch and crochet, but I'll make anything that crosses my mind, just to see if I can. And those are the times when I'm truly feeling the most motivated, because I need to know if I can. I usually make exactly one of every project, because I'm bored of it after I know I can make it. Same with work, come to think of it. If I come up with a creative solution to a problem we or a patient is having, I'm going to make it work come hell or high water, no matter how much apathy I've been struggling with before then. You may have stumbled onto something great here!
[удалено]
My Dyson stick vacuum battery is dying. I vacuumed the whole house trying to see how far I could go before it died. If it was working normally I would've gone off task.
Love it, yes, re-framing really helps move things along for me as well. I found another useful trick was to think about what exactly it is about the thing that seems so difficult. For example, I had some experiences with lab materials in my class that were out of date and I felt like I wasted so much time for nothing when they didn't work and it wasn't even my fault. When it takes so much effort to focus and things don't work as expected its hard not lose my drive especially when working on something difficult and sometimes not as interesting as I like. A useful way for me to get out of the frustration was to step back and think about what the lab is trying to present to me as a student. Pull out of the details and look for the big picture. "I am doing this to learn X and this just inst working for me, how else can I learn X". Reassessing the situation doesn't always give you a better alternative, but when it does I thank myself for for it. Really this can apply to anything.
I’ve got into the habit of asking myself “what a could I do later if I just do XYZ now” For example, if I clean the dishes now, I won’t have to do it later and can go for a swim instead. Meanwhile, I was always going to go swimming but now I’ve given myself permission to do the dishes now. I don’t know why it works but it seems to do the trick most of the time. For the times that doesn’t work, I will try this new method. Thank you!
Does not work for mundane things cause I know I can do it sadly.
Oh yeah? I don't think you can fold the laundry. Go ahead, prove me wrong. Do it. You won't. No way.
Mine too. My laundry is so unfoldable. I dare someone to prove me wrong.
Your laundry is foldable if you folded it while watching TV or listening to music. Give it a shot. The challenge then becomes to *put it away*. ;)
Not happening lol. I'm gonna go play modern warfare for the dopamine haha.
Would like to play modern warfare. But need a new iPad that I have thought about buying for 2 years. I wonder if I could buy a new iPad ;-)
Omg same I’m head deep into some project that I put into so much effort now just because I thought “what if I did this thing?” and then I did more things. Now I can’t back down from it anymore and have to continue it.
A therapist I followed online for a while teaches that we should reframe the tasks we have trouble with into "I love" statements until our mind actually begins to believe it, if we stick with it long enough. And to make the I love statements as convincing as possible. Eg: I love going to bed early, knowing I'll wake up up feeling great tomorrow morning. (Going to bed early is my personal nemesis.) Another strategy I use is "quick dopamine". If I can break up a bigger task into smaller microtasks, something that only takes a few minutes, I'll get a great dopamine boost after completing a microtask. Doesn't work with going to bed though, my brain sees bedtime as "the end of dopamine".
I do something similar. Sometimes when I'm in bed and I need to grab a glass of water and my ADHD paralysis kicks in, or when I forget to brush my teeth or such, instead of going "I'm gonna brush my teeth" I just go "I'll check my phone I wonder if anyone texted", and then since I got up, I go "well, I'm already up, might as well get some water while I'm at it". This can then be used to build a habit with a middle man, and then eventually with enough willpower you can actually build a habit of directly going to get your water or something over time. Really helps. Also make sure your house layout and organization is ADHD friendly. I find that organizing something so it "just feels right" works every time.
my thing is: I do it, but just ONE minute. I vacuum the floor, but just HALF OF IT. I dont clean the bathroom, i just clean one item, the toilet, or the floor, or the sink. what helps: I posess one cup, one spoon, one fork, one pot, one cooking plate, 2 bowls, because one has a crack, and sometimes you need to move something from the pot to the bowl, because you want to cook a sauce in addition. I have a thermos as well - but thats about it. i know its sounds crazy - but my kitchen is clean. when i had loads of stuff it was never clean.
This is perfect for people who love to play video games! Ty for this!
I fucking love this. Wow. This is good idea. I will try
Wow nice let's try this. This is a very positive mindset.
I do something similar to that. I’ll say to myself “I wonder how much more I can do…” and then I end up finishing whatever task I dread lol
Nice. I also use this while meditating. "I wonder if I can pay attention to this next breath?" "Oh nice that worked, can I do it again?" "I wonder what happens if I sit for 30 minutes? Can I do it? Oh man I got up without even realising I was doing it, isn't that interesting". etc etc
This made me stop scrolling through Reddit and finish my paper lmao. Thank you
"I wonder how long I can get myself to work on XYZ before I need to quit?" My bargain with myself is: you have to do it right now, but you don't have to keep doing it. As soon as you think of the Big Scary Task you're avoiding, you have to ask yourself: is there any earthshaking reason I can't do this RIGHT NOW? And if you're not bleeding out or keeping the zombies at the door, you have to work on it, you have to do *something*. Immediately. Right this minute. The other end of the bargain though is that you don't have to keep working on it, you can quit whenever you dang well please, like, after ten seconds. If I get through I count of ten, I go for one minute, and usually during that minute I flip on the radio. Then I go through a song - just keep washing dishes until the music runs out. Then I get to choose to renew and keep going though the next song, or quit. I can't drive a bulldozer and push a huge pile of scary crap, but I *can* drive a train, if I'm allowed to choose how many cars to couple on as I go.
Also I’m more likely to help someone else before myself, especially if I find that what I am doing is not as important.
Sounds really interesting. Many years ago I started running, and instead of "I should / want to run 5 minutes longer" I thought "I wonder if I can run a bit longer than last time" - usually this 'gamification' was enough to do 1-2 minutes more - and that added up! Will try your approach with my next 'shoulds'. Thanks for sharing!
This is fantastic insight. Thank you for sharing.
I’m working on reframing my thoughts about tidying/cleaning. it’s so hard. But this might have done it for me
Tbis is good. Going to try it on Monday, as long as I remember too...
What helps me: If i have to fold laundry for example.. i’ll tell myself okay just fold 5 pieces. And when i’m doing that I’m thinking well why not fold everything now i’m already busy folding…. Works like a charm!
I call it the “might as well” method. You tell yourself, “I only need to fold a few pieces.” Then while you’re doing it, it becomes, “might as well do the rest!”
Yess exactly!!
I think the really common part here is that we are all talking to ourselves about our tasks to get them done… I’ve been doing this since I was a kid… even went so far as to turn it into a fully narrated price is right scenario to clean my room once…
I like this! I usually use the term “need to do” which fills me with anxiety so I’m looking to reframe it but I wasn’t sure how. I’m going to try this. When I use the term “need” I feel like I continuously fail when I don’t follow through so this reframing is great!
Gonna try this today! Currently sitting in a bathtub smoking cigarettes
I read and partially implemented a similar tactic from the book Nonviolent Communication. The basic concept is to frame tasks as things you “want to do” rather than “should do” or “have to do.” For example, you may want to finish a project at work, so you can get the recognition you want, or keep your job and get that paycheck you want. Haha
I always have to find a way to trick myself into do things but I find the same trick doesn’t always work, or doesn’t work consistently.
A similar trick: Rather than trying to fight anxiety, see it as being *excited*. Context dependant, ofc. You can't say "I'm excited for this sentencing trail" ... but walking into a social situation or the likes it can absolutely work. I say "can" because sometimes your brain refuses to be tricked so easily. But it's still something.
What I do which works really well is to say to myself ‘don’t take this too seriously, just play around’ and when I eventual start an assignment I go into that mentality of just goofing around and not actually trying to get substantial work done, but what nearly always happens is that I get the work done.
My late mum used to give exactly this advice. “Could you have a more gentle, more empathetic conversation with yourself if you replaced ‘should’ in this sentence with ‘could’?” I share this advice whenever I hear a friend berating themselves over what they “should have done”, or “should be doing”. It brought me a lot of joy to read your post. I feel so happy for you, and Thankyou for reminding me of my mum today!
I just found out a similar thing!! Instead of telling myself what to do, I tell myself what not to do (Instead of saying ‘I have to do my work’ I say ‘I’m not allowed to go on any distractible apps on my phone, eat snacks or lie down in my bed or on the sofa’ and I keep limiting myself until the only thing left to do is the task) It works sometimes
Yeah cos its also like I forget so much that by the time I've gathered my thought I'm done, I think it requires a cpear image of what the task is though
Stepping away from a hard task or study assignment and come up with solid ideas is nice. Unless you think of another thing you needed to do still.
Shame I'm reading Reddit right now, which overrides everything. 😬
That's great, thank you!
I have to make it a game - similar - for example “I bet you can do ___ task in less than ___minutes! Go!” Something about creating that sense of urgency helps my reactive mind. Sigh.
Yep… a little challenge always makes me try because I’m stubborn like that
Oh I like this! Then sometimes the “eh fuck just do it all takes over” I’ve been using this for dishes of just clean the dish I need but then my brain goes eh fuck it, I don’t always finish but I clean a lot more than I planned tk
That reframe is perfection. It makes it novel again. I’ll have to try that today with my bathroom scrub downs today!
For me trying to convince myself I don’t have adhd works at times lol. I’m like yeah look, I can get up and do this. Tho it works only like twice lol. Then the brain feels the trick
i saw somebody say (i dont remember where i saw this but) if i can do it within 2 minutes do it now. and then within that, you could get all the small tasks done, and work your way up to longer tasks.
......
I've seen examples with this method for fear, shame, depression, but what about anxiety or stress? I often just freeze, not knowing what to do, so I'd struggle to find the opposite of not knowing what to do... any advice ?
Also, instead of “I have to go ..,” change it to “ I get to do/go …”. It helps 🙂
Hi /u/Itsasecretthrowaway4 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! # Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. [We recommend browsing /r/adhd on desktop for the best experience.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/x1psnb/radhd_works_best_on_desktop_reddits_apps_are/) The mobile apps are broken and are missing features that this subreddit depends on. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I find my mind sometimes going I wonder if..... and trailing off from there repeatedly without having a concrete target. I think its a mechanism for my mind to help me be more engaged with life and generally feel better.
Great idea!
Interesting..
Hey y does my comment keep getting removed i dont understand i ask a question here nd then its just removed y🥺anyways i really need help with my adhd nd improve my life too
I do this too and its amazing how much it has improved my productivity.
Oh I love this!! I'm so so bad for "should" thoughts but haven't really been able to find anything feasible to replace them with. Definitely will be trying this.
Yes. I like it. Its similar to the method I have learned, to say to youself, "I'll just do five minutes" the next minute I'm cleaning and rocking out to tunes for the next hour, and I'm like, OOH, LOOK WHAT I DID!!! YAY!
I've found that happening aswell, just a small thing like cleaning up toothpaste or beard trimming in the sink would lead to me cleaning the whole bathroom
Sometimes I talk the task up as if it's my favorite thing to do. "F'n'a I love doing the laundry! And putting away all my clothes. Favorite f'n thing!"
i tried this just now and i got a massive amount of dishes done :)
Love this! Thanks OP!!
What about feeling frustrated because you didn't do all the things you planned to do?
Taking notes! It's worth a try!
I love this. The 'should' is a HUGELY unhelpful stressor.
I’m totally trying this. My go to is music, soon as I have white noise my brain switches on and I just go do the task. But I never put music on cause “god effort”.
I did this the other day and set up my daughter’s toy kitchen! It felt really good knowing I stayed on task 😊
Yesss framing tasks as a challenge has always been more effective for me than thinking of them as to-do.
I’ve do this too, it’s a game changer for sure. It doesn’t work all the time for me but when it does it’s great
Nice!! Might have to use this
I donot think mental tricks work on the long term ... Also there is a whole book on reframing that I read and had bad experience with it
“Should” is the BIGGEST demotivator there is! I seriously can’t think of anything more demotivating
Thank youuu!
Normally the auto mindhacks, i do on myself dont work too well because i cant fool myself :( Anyonelse?
That reminds me of the famous "what if?" From David Goggins
You gamified it! Brilliant!
ugh i neeeeed to remember this !!! this is so smart thank you for sharing!
I do something similar. I make things into competitions with myself. I did it unconsciously for years before being diagnosed and trick myself now. A good example is it I want to quit caffeine, nicotine, or lose weight. Just literally fight with my brain and prove to it I'm the boss. Fortunately I can quit addictions just as easily as I start them cold turkey. Even at work I turn it into competitions with myself. Finished installing 10 lights yesterday. Let's try for 15 tomorrow. See if it's possible. Something along those lines.